Fear and Anniversary Special hosts celebrate their 53rd episode while plotting a toilet-papering stunt at The Yard's studio, citing alleged labor violations. They recount personal health crises, including ventilator time in Paris, and debate menstrual anatomy alongside Austin's elaborate gift-giving to Cutie. The conversation shifts to consumer rants about $77 Starbucks prices and missing Instacart orders, before launching into a conspiracy theory that "Barbieheimer" is a psychological operation forcing a pastel toy film against a noir drama. Ultimately, the episode critiques predatory corporate pricing and modern marketing tactics while reflecting on how shared media consumption creates temporary social cohesion amidst capitalist realities. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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One Year Anniversary00:01:28
All right, here we go.
525, 600 minutes, 52 weeks in a year.
That's right.
Talk about love.
Talk about love.
Talk about how musical is that?
I have absolutely zero clue.
I don't even know.
Why did you know 500, 25,600?
I just know that's the amount of minutes in a year.
Like, I just know that.
He's not a fan of musicals.
He just has autism.
Yeah, yeah.
I just knew that.
And I know that, like, everybody always says, like, there's a song that tells you how many minutes are in a year.
Anyway, there's also 52 weeks in a year, but 53 episodes if you want to get to an entire year.
That's right.
This is the one year anniversary of.
We made it a year.
Podcast formerly known as Fear and Maulding, now known as Fear.
And we unveiled our first episode on top of a boat.
Yep.
Yep.
And our 53rd episode on top of the yard.
Yeah, we said.
So how did this go down?
We broke in here.
They have no idea.
Not even a joke.
No, not joking, not kidding at all.
They have no idea we are recording this.
They'll be finding out that we are recording it on their set when this gets released on Monday, which is what, tomorrow?
Tomorrow.
Which is tomorrow.
Unveiling on a Boat00:16:00
Yes.
Tomorrow is when they film, too.
So I'm going to toilet paper their tree and they're going to be like, oh, somebody got up to some suspicious things.
Yeah, master marketing plan, by the way.
Amazing.
Amazing.
This way they have to talk about us on their relatively successful podcast that we're kind of destroying.
Absolutely.
No, I mean, we're winning the hearts and minds.
Yeah, it's not even close.
I mean, I was at QT's midsummer concert and I was talking to a lot of people about podcasts and they said we were former yard fans, now Fear Ann fans.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
And I look at this set and I'm like, the set is so good.
They must be compensating for something.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Lack of personality, lack of character.
No women.
We do have that.
No women.
Yeah.
No women at all.
I'm always happy to be the token.
In fact, we came in here clearly signage indicating no women, women with crosses through them.
It was very weird.
Women's bathrooms.
Especially no pregnant women.
That was interesting.
They had like the sign with the no pregnant women allowed here.
Yeah, no, they are, they're definitely violating multiple California labor laws in here.
Absolutely.
Plan B just to enter.
Yep, it's true.
It's absolutely true.
It's really messed up.
It's really messed up stuff.
The truth that you need to know.
But we're not going to spend.
No.
We're not going to spend our one-year anniversary shitting on a podcast that's not as good as ours, even though they have a much nicer set, apparently, which we came here to kind of fuck up.
And they make a lot of money, probably more than we do.
We're bankrupt.
Did you know that?
Are we?
We spent all our money on Paris and Tank.
We are not.
I didn't go to Paris.
Okay, well, you're not bankrupt, but I'm.
I'm all the money in Paris.
I paid everything out of pocket.
Yeah.
So I don't know how that works.
We were talking about how I'm Nostradamus and I always predict everything that's going to happen.
Your Paris trip was terrible.
I actually, we had a great time, actually.
Didn't we, Hassan?
My rib was broken.
Okay, look.
That's not even like a Nostradamus situation.
I was like, we're there because that's...
I wasn't like, oh, yeah, Will, you have to come to Paris.
It's going to be great.
You literally told me Twitch is not going to pay for my ticket, but they already have me up for a meeting greet.
And I think that's messed up.
I asked Twitch to compensate you for your travel and room and board, which is more than fair.
And they said no.
So I was like, okay, well, then he's not coming.
Well, look, I'm a bit different than Anglo.
I was on a ventilator for a couple weeks.
A ventilator.
I was on a ventilator.
I suffered a very traumatic index finger injury.
Yeah.
I almost didn't make it.
But I'm so happy to be here to tell my tale.
Yeah.
We got a lot of other things to talk about, too.
I know.
No, but let's keep talking about that.
Let's keep talking about your ventilator.
I was on the ventilator.
It was every episode.
Shoot, I think it was traumatic.
Look, look, I can move it now.
I got full range of motion.
Doctors say I'm a miracle.
I want to talk about Austin compensating.
Why did you get us coffee and food today?
What do you mean?
What are you guilty of?
That is weird.
Yeah.
That's odd.
You asked me.
I did not even think of that.
You know what?
I've been reflecting.
I'm doing too well.
I've been reflecting a little bit.
And, you know, I think I've been a bad friend.
So I'm just trying to be better.
I'm going to be a better person.
You breaking the mic at QD's concert was peak.
I didn't mean to break the mic.
I haven't broken this one yet.
So I think.
I might end up breaking this one because unfortunately, I'm sitting on the Ludwig seat and he's short.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, should we talk about who our yard proxies are?
Yeah, I'm Nick, evidently.
No, I would be Aiden.
I'm definitely Aiden.
I would be Aiden, I think.
But you're not Aiden C.
No, I'm not an Aiden seat because this is my better seat.
Well, I'm definitely a slime.
And I'm in Slime Seat.
Which makes a lot of sense.
Yeah, I'm a slime guy.
Are you really Ludwig?
Well, in this crew, it's one of them.
I guess.
I don't know.
What would you say, QD?
I think, I don't know.
I think Nick is very clever.
He's very witty.
I think I am.
Straight edge.
Clever and witty and straight edge.
You're pretty straight edge.
What do I have in common with Aiden other than both of that variety?
And you're friendly.
He's also more victim and more athletic than you.
I'm just kidding.
Look at him.
Oh my God.
I'm going to receive it as a joke.
No, no, no.
He literally took a beat and went.
You gave me a sociopathic stare.
Yeah, five seconds.
That was Netflix making.
I'd like to be clear here.
If anybody here is a sociopath or like serial killer, it'd be Will Neff.
Yeah.
Yeah, everyone knows.
What?
That's the obvious one.
We've all thought that.
Yeah.
There's two things Will Neff would be amazing at.
You'd be the best serial killer, and you'd also be the best woman.
Listen.
Wait.
He would be a better woman than me.
No.
No.
What?
No, no, but like, okay, a little context here.
It took a minute to hit.
No, no, no.
A little context here.
Before we spoke, Cutie's obviously clearly the best woman here.
Oh, okay.
Until Will Neff is in the room.
I want to make it clear.
We were talking about.
I'm too tired to be a woman.
Of all of us.
I was like, Cutie was, can I talk about what you were talking about before?
Yes, I'm on my period.
Yeah, she's on a period.
She's normal and natural and beautiful.
Don't say it like that, you dumb bitch.
Wait, what if it kiss me off?
What is he supposed to say?
He's like, it's icky.
I'm not saying normal and natural and beautiful.
It's part of the fucking Hallmark cards.
You guys talk about cum like it's the best sauce on the planet, but you can't casually talk about a period.
What do I talk about?
All of you talk.
I love cum.
I mean, yeah, you're being quite homophobic right now.
I love cum.
I actually have a cum-based story.
Wait, before you let's talk about cutie's period first.
No, I want to.
It's like my show ADD.
All of us are.
Cutie, which is having a very normal, natural human experience right now.
A beautiful one.
Beautiful one.
I'm wanting to kill myself.
Some say the hardest job in the world.
Having a pair of people.
Yes.
That's the hardest thing.
I think you're mistaking that for childbirth.
Okay, well, that's mom.
Okay, they're both up there.
I'm having cramps.
But we were saying that if all of us were women, Will would be the best one.
Fair.
Not excluding Cutie because she's obviously the best one.
Of the men, you would be the best one.
Of the men.
I would by far be the best one.
And why would that be?
I just have that genetic.
Yeah, you would carry myself.
And you would use your sex for.
I would seduce.
I'd be a big-time seducer.
I don't know what kind of woman I would be.
Like, I don't even know how I would be.
I'd be like, oh, I see my house from Russia.
I'm Sarah Palin.
I'm sorry.
We need to pause.
What the fuck?
Was that like a Jamaican?
No, no.
I want Jesse.
Sarah Palin.
Sarah.
That was Halin.
Oh, I can see my house from Russia.
I can see my house from Russia.
Or I can see Russia from my house.
I can see Russia from my house.
You betcha.
You betcha.
Do you know this line?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, this is a very common Sarah Palin line.
Yeah.
She said I can see Russia from my house.
Oh, famous.
I can see Russia from my house.
In the 2008 campaign.
Yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was living my life being awesome.
No, okay, look, Will, I was.
I was in America.
Look, I would venture to say I was in.
All three of us voted for Sarah Palin specifically as vice president.
Now, look, I would venture to say, you were 15 years old.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I was into politics before I saw it was.
That's 100%.
100% I was into American politics before you were.
You'd be Sarah Palin.
I was campaigning for John Kerry in 2004.
Okay, I wasn't in the country, but as someone who wasn't in the country, I was still very much tapped into American politics.
You don't know shit about the 2004 election.
American decisions.
Yep.
Okay.
We can't get political.
We can't get political.
Sorry.
I don't want to get political, but also what's John Kerry's big controversy.
Big controversy?
John Kerry?
Don't look at anyone else for help.
Wait, who's dick?
Oh, come on.
I know this one.
The boat.
Yeah!
Swift.
You fucking idiot.
What else?
What other shit?
What was John Kerry's?
What did John Kerry portray himself as a counter to Bush?
Look, we don't have time for that.
Big time Warvet.
Also, double down.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
Is the KFC double down?
Wait, hold on, really.
How the hell do I not know this?
And I was paying attention.
Let's go back to Cutie's beautiful period.
I use jumbo extra huge tampons.
What about you, Will?
Wait, what?
You have a heavy tune.
Wait, dude, I just wanted to make.
No, those don't exist.
This podcast is off the rails.
Wait, first of all, jumbo tampons don't exist.
Wait, really?
Jumbo extra huge.
I mean, there's regular and like there's like.
What if you have a heavy flow?
Well, there's regular and super.
Jumbo extra huge.
No, I think it's regular and super.
I think.
Super.
That's where they just take a caulk gun.
No, but you came in here.
That is quite regular.
You came in here, cutie.
Like a wrecking ball thing.
And you were like, my cervix hurt.
No.
What was it?
My uterus.
Uteris.
Why would it be her cervix?
I don't know.
That would imply that she's having crazy sex with love and stuff.
I'm not going to lie.
We do have the advantage of watching that naked show on the Patreon last year, and we learned all the parts of the vagina.
I'm so glad that I know.
You watched that without me.
Also, wait, hold on.
We watched that without you because we're homophobic.
And two, cutie knew less about the woman, like the anatomy of a vagina than Will and I did.
That's true.
They said that.
I still don't get it.
I finally get it.
I finally get it.
Labia majora is the outer lip.
Why don't they just get the best?
Like the vagina shell because it's not the lips.
Yeah, but they're not.
The labia menorah is actually like the lippy list.
Yeah, but what's the dingling?
That's the labia menorah.
The labia menorah.
Majora is like the shell.
The majora is like Barbie pussy.
Menorah is like meat flap.
Wow.
Yeah.
We watched that naked show, and this one girl had a particularly long dingling.
Oh.
Menorah.
And that's the menorah.
Also, a menorah is the device that candles are placed into during Jewish high holy.
Without labias, just the menorah.
No labia.
I'm so happy.
Okay.
It was confusing.
And they should chase.
Catsoles are so much simpler.
I don't think they are.
I think that there's definitely some prep work.
No, you just don't know because you're a fucking selfish top.
I'm not a self.
You have no idea.
I'm a son.
The amount of effort that bottoms have to go through.
No, I'm going to tell you something that I've never told anybody.
Okay.
Every bottom that I've been with is so shocked at how I am so eager to pleasure them.
Oh my God.
Dude, this is like when Andrew Tate does.
They always tell me that love.
Do you douche?
I don't douche.
Why would I douche?
So you don't do the prep?
No, because I'm topping.
So I'm just saying.
But yeah.
He's exactly.
No, I know there's a large changing subject.
No, but I'm saying I'm not a selfish top.
I'm sick and tired of this.
You pulled a Donald Trump and you went to the bottom.
Many people are saying I'm the greatest top they've ever seen.
I want...
Look, I get pleasure in the person I'm with having pleasure.
And so if they're not enjoying the experience and they're not getting off, I'm not enjoying it.
This doesn't negate what.
This has nothing to do with anything.
Back to your heavy flow style.
No, I don't.
Your cervix.
My cervix.
And the jumbo.
My cervix has a heavy flow with a jumber extra huge tampon.
That's right.
Do you guys know what a diva cup is?
Yes.
A diva cup?
Yeah.
Just to take a guess.
A cup at which you...
But divas, I feel like this is some sexist thing.
It's got to be sexist.
Go ahead.
How dare they?
Go ahead.
Explain to us what it is.
A diva cup has got to be like a...
Diva is a negative connotation.
Maybe a cup at which you just kind of throw down there and to what?
I don't know.
What do you do with that?
A diva cup.
Well, we're talking about periods.
So it's got to be something about a period.
Or I was pivoting away from periods because I'm sick of extra huge jumbo large tampons with a heavy flow.
I mean, you went from period to diva cups.
I'm going straight face.
Don't give me anything.
I was thinking like the D.
That wouldn't make sense to have a period into a cup.
Dude, he nailed it.
He did.
That's what it is.
Wait, really?
That's what it is.
When I first found out about Diva Cups, I was shocked.
How would you have a cup of diva?
No, it's like a little cup.
Oh, it's reusable.
Are you diva cupping?
It's better for you.
You're going to diva cup for the Patreon and report back.
I'm diva cupped in my life.
Have you?
Yeah, it's actually, they're very dope.
Can you wait?
Can you sell it when you get full?
It's actually more comfortable than a tampon.
I'm not kidding you.
So where does the blood go?
Okay.
In the cup.
So it's inside of you.
So it's a cork, essentially.
Oh.
Yeah, so it's a silicone cup.
It's like a bloop, and then you put your, you fold it like a taco so it has an angle and then you shove the angle up there and then it goes like this and it like suctions against your cervix, I believe.
So it's like a wine decanter.
How do you pee?
Because it's a different hole.
It's a different hole.
That was a joke.
That was a joke.
No, I mean, it wasn't seriously.
I don't understand how it works.
How do you shit?
How do you shit?
Well, I know that, but like, it's all in the same area.
Wouldn't it get in the way?
No, the cool thing about Diva cups, I haven't used one in many, many years.
Oh, interesting.
Cool thing about it is you can leave it in for like 24 hours because it's just a cork.
But when you take it out, it's like, and I'm not even kidding.
People in my community have told me that like you're supposed you're supposed to wash it.
It's reusable.
And the way that they've washed it in the past is like they put it in the fucking dishwasher.
No, that's crazy.
That's insane.
No, that makes sense.
Is it like a shot glass?
No, it's like a little silicone cup.
You just use the bathroom sink.
You don't need to use the dishwasher.
So we digress.
You're having a particularly hard period.
I just have a bad crank.
It just seems to me.
So when she came in here, I was like, wow, being a woman is so tough.
Yeah.
It is harder.
Yeah.
I think it's like talked about.
It's hard.
So that 30-minute aside led there.
Well, thank you.
Well, one time at my old corporate job, I was doing an interview with a woman and she stood up and just blood gushed out of her.
Was she a free bleeder?
And I was like, free bleeder, you guys have these like old frat terms for no, that is not a frat term at all.
She's a free bleeder, bro.
What the fuck do you think we talk about?
No, no, no.
He's not wrong because the diva cup does seem weird and also sounds like, oh, a diva.
Free bleeding is also a terminology not created by like fucking frat bros, but by like a frat bro term.
Yeah, Tramp.
She's a free bleeder.
Unhinged is a small sliver of like people who consider this activism, but like free bleeding was like this unhinged, tiny, marginal sliver of a movement that refused to utilize like tampons or pads or a diva cup and just kind of let it rise.
That's wild.
That's wild.
As a part of like feminist activism, but like not necessarily, this is not representative of anything really.
Free Bleeding Diva Cups00:14:22
But they did that and they called themselves free bleeders and they were just fucking.
I can't believe we're talking about period.
God, that's a good name for a podcast.
On our one-year anniversary.
So the woman stood up, blood gushed out of her.
I thought she was having a miscarriage.
I was like, oh my God, are you okay?
Like doing it?
Holy shit.
Like freaking out.
Was she fat?
Is that why you thought she was having a miscarriage?
Jesus.
Blood out of her, Hassan.
That's not because she was pregnant.
She was wearing a skirt.
And it's just, I don't know.
Oh, my God.
And then, and then she's like, oh, my God, I was wearing a Diva cup and it flipped.
Sometimes they flip.
And then you lose everything.
Wait, there's so much blood, though.
Did she not have any panties for the corporate interview?
I think she did, but it's just too much.
She crazy.
She played flip cups.
She played most dangerous flip cups.
That's the biggest downfall of Diva Cups is sometimes the suction doesn't.
Was this a job interview?
Yeah.
Did she get the job?
I don't remember.
But if your legs are crossed, man.
If you cross your legs, it can essentially add an air bubble where the suction cup is.
And then if it flips, it just pours out.
Yeah, kind of.
Oh, no.
That's very sad.
Yeah.
So that is why, ever since that, I was like, I'm never trying a Diva cup against me.
The more you know, scary.
But this actually is important because this is why we have two additional co-hosts now.
You know what I mean?
Like when we first started.
You wink at me?
Austin winked at me.
It was supposed to be when we first started.
I'm going back to the.
I'm going back to the theme of like this being the one year anniversary.
Like when we first started, it was just you and I.
We started two years ago.
Yeah, we started two years ago in the middle of the pandemic, right?
She planned.
We have to ask you guys.
You've added Cutie and I to the crew.
Who's better?
Do you regret it?
Yes.
Absolutely.
Every day of my life.
Really?
Absolutely.
Do you miss it, just the two of you?
Yes.
And now you can't go back.
Yeah, you can't do that.
I mean, you could just not have invite me.
Would literally get we would get uh no, she's fine.
Oh, it's me.
Oh, oh, well, you know what?
You're gonna regret that.
I'll be right back.
Oh, see, I told you he's deflecting.
He's leaving like Toto.
He has coffee.
Should we talk about the experience while you're gone?
Wait, what experience?
Yesterday's shenanigans.
Yes, we're gonna talk about it.
Or should we wait for you?
Talk shit about you.
Okay, we'll wait for you.
One thing I want to bring up: two-year anniversary, I had my dad send me a photo that I wanted to give out of him wearing the Rothies.
Oh my god!
Oh, the Rothies.
So this is before your time, even before Fear.
And when we were doing Fear and Maulding, we got locked into a contract with a not-so-great production company.
And they worked us like a workhorse.
They didn't have any times that we could shoot at that were like good and normal and reasonable.
So we shoot at like 6 a.m. on a Wednesday morning.
Yeah.
And yeah, they kind of treated us like the ugly stepchild.
Yeah.
They're like, yeah, go in at 6 a.m. where no one can see you.
Don't say hi to Sarah Silverman.
Don't look at her direction.
Don't look at her eyes.
Look at her direction.
And then, you know, we would do it and they gave us so many fucking ad reads.
Dude, I went back and I don't even know if you'll remember this.
We did an episode with Tony Hawk.
Oh, that was so awkward.
And Tony Hawk, and I forget the name of his like cohort, but the guy who like is an co-owner of Liquid Death, I think.
The bald guy.
Yes.
They bailed on being in the studio at the last second.
So they were going remote.
Yeah.
And they clearly had no fucking idea who we were and they didn't want to be there.
And they were just promoting the skateboard with Tony Hawk's blood in the paint and liquid death.
And it was one of those things where I really liked Tony Hawk and I was really excited for the episode.
And it was horrible.
I think it's one of the worst things I've ever made.
And it was painful.
It was really bad.
And you can go back and watch it.
And it's one of the most painful things.
They have no idea who we are.
They don't care at all.
And Tony Hawk's co-host had just come out as bisexual.
Yeah.
And his audience was being enormously shitty about it.
And so like Hassan and I kind of turn into like younger brothers and we're trying to be like supportive of the fact that he's queer.
And you could just tell he's like still in a really not great place about it.
It was so, it was very weird.
Yeah.
So we get to the end and our producer.
This is the moment I knew we had to make a new podcast.
Our producer comes in over the line and it's during the pandemic and her like kids are running everywhere in the background.
And she's like, that went great.
What did you think?
And I, I don't know if you remember this verbatim, I said, that is one of the worst things I've ever made.
I'm ashamed.
I don't know if we should release it.
And I think this podcast should come to an end.
Wow.
And then, uh, what does this have to do with anything?
What are you doing?
Oh, my God.
I told you he was compensating for something.
Wait, I'm so confused right now.
Cutie.
No, this is like Mac and Always Sunny, where he comes in, jacked one episode, is like, hey, guys.
And they're like, what?
Cutie, cutie.
Stop saying cutie.
What?
I pissed me off.
I went to Tokyo.
Oh, my God.
And I was, you know, months ago.
I went to Tokyo and I came back with a sticker.
Bro, he's been holding on to this.
He's happy about this whole thing.
For so long.
I'm so happy.
Decided that I would surprise you.
I don't want you to be my woody and dress up as one of my favorite Disney characters.
I will allow this.
And I wanted to sing you a song.
That's there's no fucking way.
Want to sing you a song?
Yay.
Does Woody sing any songs in the movie?
No.
Okay.
The studio does not have good shelves.
And I also brought you some gifts.
But first, I wanted to sing you a song.
He's been holding this in.
You've got.
Wait, You can't.
You can't just go into it yet.
He's been.
Okay, let me set the stage for a second.
I think like our last episode of Fear End wraps up.
Austin sends me a text message.
He goes, Hasan, you're going to be receiving a package at your home.
And I said to him, okay, sure.
He's like, don't open it.
And I was like, fine, I won't open it.
Package sat there for like, what, two weeks now almost?
Finally, he grabs it in the middle of the AOC stream while I'm like, he runs inside in a panic while I'm doing the AOC stream.
Runs out.
Had no idea what was in the package.
Yesterday, he spent the entire day on stream leading up to the AOC stream complaining about YouTube commenters getting genuinely mad at him for his gift.
Being terrible.
Like, he is.
This sticker was an abomination.
I thought it was funny.
It was supposed to be a joke.
But you know what?
It was a bad joke, and I'm a bad friend.
No!
Cutie, this song.
This song is for you.
You've got a friend in me.
That's not hilarious.
You've got a friend in me.
Doo-doo-doo.
You're far and avoided and boot had a nice warm bed.
Just so remember what your old pal said.
You got a friend in me.
You got a friend in me.
But do do boot doot do.
So, cutie, I went all the way to Paris, Disney.
Completely redeem yourself.
And I got you a lot of wonderful gifts.
Not the backpack.
What about the bag?
Not the backpack.
It's mine.
Oh, the backpack is yours.
It seems like.
It's broken.
I wouldn't want to give her a broken gift.
Oh, okay.
And my shaving kit's in here.
First things first, I got you some authentic Disney Paris popcorn.
I love that.
No, it's from Disney Paris, popcorn.
Thank you so much.
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Oh, God.
Oh, he's breaking the mic again.
And then the next thing I got you now.
Godfrey.
I went to Paris, and what better representation of Paris than Minnie Mouse and the Eiffel Tower.
Wow.
Look at that.
Huh?
Thank you.
Oh, yeah.
Another one.
All right.
And now we know.
We know you like to cook.
What am I supposed to do?
We know you like to cook, cutie.
But what are you going to cook?
I don't know.
Let me tell you.
I got you a cookbook from a Ratatouille cookbook.
And it has all the recipes, and it's all in French.
So I hope you know how to speak French.
But Ludwig does.
Yep.
And here we go.
Now, Cutie, you must be asking yourself, what am I going to wear while I'm cooking from this Ratatouille thing?
You got us all costumes?
I got you a ratatouille chef's hat.
Oh, okay.
Look at that.
And Jesus Christ.
A ratatouille.
Is that a baby pig?
No, it's an apron.
Oh.
So I got you all these gifts.
It's giving sexist.
I do have to say.
Like the mini mouse.
No, it's not giving sexist.
It's giving divorce dad.
The mini mouse thing was like fine.
And now he's like, here, here, here, cutie.
Learn to cook.
Wow.
Where you belong in the kitchen with a rat on your head.
All that is for you.
And you know what, Cutie?
I want to say something that I'm having a difficult time with, but the backpack is also yours.
You don't want the backpack?
No, it's okay.
You can keep it.
Okay.
How are you going to carry all that?
You need the backpack.
This is very noble of you.
I tried, and I, look, admittedly, the bit kind of fell apart.
No, this is very noble.
No, this is.
Because I hired a musical accompaniment for this, but we had to move the podcast, so they weren't able to come.
Was it just TJ?
Yeah, it was TJ.
I hired a musical accompaniment for it, and he actually didn't hire him.
He was going to do it for free.
But anyway, I brought him on.
He was going to show up, but then he couldn't because he had a gig today.
But we were going to do it yesterday.
And also, I did hire a Buzz Lightyear, but they also couldn't make it.
It was like a kids' party, Buzz Lightyear.
It didn't work out.
Thank God.
That would have been really awesome.
That would have been awkward.
Was he supposed to hang out with us?
They would have left.
I was just going to sit next to me as I sang to you.
Wow.
But anyway, I wanted to make it up to you.
I got you a sticker in Tokyo.
People in the comments were legitimately upset, they call me a piece of shit.
Man.
People were saying that I was an awful human being.
Yeah, these are the types of people who think movies are real.
Okay?
And you're upset at those people, which is ridiculous.
I wonder what he's going to do to make up for his Toto performance now.
Oh, God.
Okay.
Okay, we're going to talk about that.
Wait, wait, wait.
Let's segue out.
Austin, thank you very, very much.
It's very nice of you.
It's definitely over the top.
For the record, podcast listeners, we were just trying to use that, because I didn't go to Japan.
We were just trying to use it for content.
And Austin did produce content by giving me a sticker.
And that was more important than anything else.
But you know what?
I successfully bullied him into giving me more.
No, I actually took a lot of effort and a lot of care.
I walked around Disney Park.
I tried to do some.
I didn't just pull anything random.
I tried to buy some things that I felt would.
The cookbook is great.
But okay, and by the way, can I explain something?
The food, the popcorn, I think it's cool because that was actually in Paris.
I bought that.
It does.
That's French popcorn.
It's sealed.
And it's sealed.
I haven't opened it.
I didn't even take a bite.
I thought about it, but I didn't take a bite.
It's a nice cookbook.
And I don't know.
It's much better than the gift you gave me, which was a broken rib.
Okay.
So, look, all right.
That was.
Look.
Significantly better gift there, I think.
Look, and the woody thing, it kind of didn't really make sense, but you know what?
No, I like it.
I tried to do it together.
But let's get into the pressing issue.
Yes, the pressing issue.
Why did the stills of you from yesterday look like shots from Schindler's list?
The black and whites literally look like Schindler's list.
Okay, look.
Yesterday, first of all, I went out on Friday night.
I was hungover.
So I show up at Cutie's wonderful event.
Oh, wait.
Let me butt in here.
He didn't just show up at Cutie's event.
Cutie Cinderella hasn't told us what we're supposed to be doing.
I am, you know, a responsible adult, so I did not go out and drink that night because I was like, well, it's going to be just never go out and drink.
Okay, well, I'm acting like a fucking cinnamon.
I was going to go party hardy last night, the night prior to the event.
Yeah.
And I chose not to, okay?
You know, my best friend John Mayer hit me up.
He said, hey, you want to go on a bender?
Oh, my God.
Son.
And I was just like, nah, dog, can't do it.
Got to do something else for my bestie, Cutie Cinderella.
Don't know what it is.
Could be, you know.
Bank robbery.
Could be bank robbery, which is which would have been very crazy.
You guys were very excited to be.
Acting as the Dog00:09:25
We were very excited to rob banks, Stalin style.
Anyway, so I'm on my way.
I'm on time, which by the way, you know, everybody, fuck you, for everyone who always says to Son, you're never on time.
I'm on time.
Sure.
I get a phone call as I'm circling the venue trying to figure out exactly where it is.
Get a phone call from Austin.
He goes, hey, how far out are you?
I was like, oh, I'm literally pulling up to the venue.
And he goes, oh, well, you know, I'm like 13 minutes away.
And he said eight, but he ended up being later than that.
But it's fine.
He's like, oh, I'm eight minutes away.
I was like, okay, so why are you calling me?
He goes, oh, I thought you'd be late.
So I could, while still being eight minutes late, I could go and get coffee.
I could stop somewhere and get some coffee for myself before I came through.
Look, if he was going to be late, I was going to just arrive at the same time as him.
It's already, we're not starting without him, right?
You already knew.
I know.
You and I run things similar.
If Ahsan is there, we're not starting without him.
I was actually fine starting without him because I was going to cast the play and then it'd be drama that he got Dorothy.
Oh, but he wasn't there.
Fuck.
Okay, so I would have just been.
Dorothy and the dog wouldn't have been there.
Well, the dog wasn't there most of the play.
Yeah, okay.
True.
Am I wrong about this by the way?
I cannot tell a lie.
We made eye contact multiple times.
And I was in the stands and he was on stage.
I could not help but crack up laughing at how miserable.
Okay, so I got casted as the dog for the time.
I thought it would be funny.
Yeah, literally second most stage time in the entire play.
And unfortunately.
Okay, so I got casted as dog and I got put in this extremely hot dog costume.
I didn't realize I was hungover.
You're so unlucky with air conditioning.
I was hungover and I had to be on my hands and knees for two hours barking.
Okay.
This was crazy.
I thought you weren't a song.
Can I say something that's crazy?
Can I say something that's crazy?
First of all, I'm not even mad at cutie because it was fucking hilarious and I'm looking at the photos.
But you know what's fucking crazy?
Oh my gosh.
All right.
First of all, as I sit here dressed as Woody, okay, dedicating myself to my friend.
I don't see what the fuck are you guys doing, huh?
So dang.
Look at you guys.
This is why I got us.
Okay.
I go.
No, yeah, I get people, everybody, coffee, okay?
Right?
And I go on stage, and I'm on my hands and knees in a sweaty dog costume for two and a half hours, and I'm the diva.
I mean, you were not.
You were on stage for maybe 30 minutes.
No, come on.
That's an exchange.
Oh, we can go back and go back and look at the VOD.
You also weren't using your knee pads, and they would have helped you a lot.
They kept falling off.
You also took off your costume.
I did.
It ripped.
It ripped.
I was shirtless.
I left.
I left the event.
So Austin, I'm directing, right?
I'm trying to pay attention to the script.
And I can just hear Austin in the background during the play.
And someone's like, are you going to get up there?
And he goes, don't even talk to me.
Don't even ask me about it.
No, I did not say that.
I really?
And I'm like, oh, my God.
I made all my friends.
I left thinking everyone hated the experience.
No, no, no, no.
I don't think, no, I don't think they said, are you going to get up on stage?
They said, no, it pissed me off.
I remember what that exchange.
Uh-oh.
It pissed me off because I was sitting there and they were like, they're like, oh, yeah, everybody's doing great except maybe Austin.
I was like, don't even talk to me.
Who said that?
I think it was Peach, but she was clearly joking, but I was in a bad mood.
Because she's like, you know, when you're clearly doing the best you can, you're on your hands and knees as a fucking dog for The Wizard of Oz.
What I should have done, a good director, I should have switched you with Peach because Peach wanted to be the dog so bad.
No, it was perfect.
Cutie, I want to say this.
I want everybody to know this.
I was cranky and hungover, but I am so happy that you did that.
Because the pictures and everything was amazing.
You guys did slay.
We slayed.
I was the perfect role for that.
And look, I told Cutie this.
I texted her.
You were the murderer of vibes, Austin.
It was not the murderer of vibes.
It was perfect.
Really?
Yes, I thought everyone hated it because you hated it so much.
I was the dog.
I was on my hands and Will, if you were the dog on your hands and knees for two and a half hours, you would be just like, he would have been the sexiest dog you've ever seen.
He would have been like, oh, no.
Cutie made the right decision.
Me being a miserable dog.
I guess we'll never know.
I guess we'll never know.
I guess give you?
Okay, this is.
Forgive me.
You're not inviting the baby guys.
So here's what's going on.
Here's what's going on.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with what just happened, Cutie Cinderella put on what I like to call teaching Hassan American classics in cinema.
I'm converting all my friends to theater kids.
Where I'm not a fan of Wizard of Oz fucking sucks.
I did not like it.
As a film person, The Wizard of Oz is fucking sucks.
Also, apparently the original Wizard of Oz like killed a bunch of the cast.
Yeah, yeah.
Because they were using asbestos.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, one of the munchkins hung themselves.
They kept all the munchkins segregated.
You know, the big wedge building in Culver City?
That was like the Munchkin Ranch, where they kept like...
They put them in a ranch?
Yeah, like because they were like subhuman people.
They kept them in their own building.
That's insane.
Yeah, no, no, no.
And then Judy Garland, like, they gave her eating disorders and they kept her pumped on pills the entire time.
That's how I felt.
Yeah.
No, no, no.
There's nothing about that story that I think is compelling.
I don't think it's particularly well written.
It's not a good story.
I think the entire show is built around Somewhere Over the Rainbow, which is like one of the great musical songs ever, right?
I will give it that.
Off to see what I'm doing.
Somewhere.
No, that song sucks ass too.
Somewhere over the rainbow is great.
The rest of the show, total dog shit.
I don't understand.
Like, the entire time, she's like, she hates fucking Kansas.
Kansas, like, everyone's treating her like shit.
And then she's, like, desperately trying to go back to Kansas when she could have just like stayed in La La.
Like Fort Miner would say, you don't know what you got till it's gone.
And that's what Dorothy feels.
Do you actually like The Wizard of Oz?
I think so.
I thought it was a great event.
No, I don't.
I'm not talking about the events.
It's totally separate.
I'm talking about the movie.
I think you're disparaging Cutie and her event.
Shut up!
No, you're trying to pass blame.
Yeah.
Shut up, dog.
I grew up.
It's probably just nostalgia.
I grew up loving The Wizard of Oz.
So I just, it has a special place in my mind.
That was the only thing she was allowed to watch in the middle of the day.
Can we get it?
Even though there were wizards.
Can we get it out there that I think that my performance as a dog, the misery played into my character?
No.
We were all miserable.
What do you mean?
Oh, yeah.
I'm so sorry, Hassan.
You had to be on your hands and knees as a dog.
No, I will clarify, though, for YouTube.
The event was awesome.
The Wizard of Oz I am talking about is the original film.
Not Hassan's Dorothy.
Junior.
No, no.
Okay, first of all, my rendition of Dorothy with the transatlantic accent was great.
I thought you played a great Dorothy.
Also, you look kind of hot.
That was very weird.
You kept saying that.
No, like, I'm not even unironically.
I have a take that I hope you all agree with.
Okay.
What is it?
The Wiz is better than The Wizard of Oz.
You mean?
Michael Jackson, The Wiz?
Yes.
I haven't seen the Black Wizard of Oz.
I've never seen it.
I've never seen it.
What?
I haven't seen it either.
Oh, I will say.
Racism abound.
I have no idea where you're going.
Racism abound.
I don't suppose that.
I haven't seen Wicked.
Oh!
Did that bug zapper actually just bug zap?
Yeah, it does that.
Wait, is it like a real - that's a real buzz.
It's a real bug zap.
Okay, let me inform you guys.
Michael Jackson did a version of The Wizard of Oz that is absolute gasoline.
All the tedium of old transatlantic's like, somewhere blah, blah, blah.
Turns into, ah, come on, whiz.
I love that.
But you know who he is?
It's just fucking, it's heat.
It's hard.
I'm going to watch it.
It's good.
There's also this weird movie called Return to Oz where they like cut off people's heads and shit.
Yep.
And it's like, it's like Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.
That sounds way sicker than The Wizard of Oz.
Well, I've done the musical things.
Wicked was great.
Wicked was great.
I have heard Hilarion.
Why do you keep making me play lead roles when I don't know anything about the shooting?
He's a pretty good actor.
Yeah, you're a good person.
You're a pretty good actor.
He's a pretty good actor.
Not as good as me, but I mean, if you go look at the story of that dog and what he had to endure on set of Wizard of the Oz, you would know that I was changing it.
Wizard of the Oz.
Wizard of Oz.
The Wizard of Oz.
If you go look at the story of that dog, look it up.
That dog had a miserable life.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, they treated the actors now.
In fact, the dog, had that dog been alive today, that dog would have appreciated that performance.
What's something that the yard would do?
What do they do on their thing?
I don't know.
I never watched their podcast.
By the way.
By the way, us being here and breaking into their studio and we're going to teepee their tree is a direct consequence.
The Miserable Life of Toto00:05:32
I gave them the option.
I said, blow job.
Oh, my God.
Oh, the blow bang.
The blow bang.
Wait, what?
We offered them.
We challenged them.
We challenged them.
We said, look.
Forever ago.
I don't know why.
This could have all been avoided with one simple blowjob.
And it didn't happen.
You were going to blow all of them?
Yes.
No, they didn't.
I thought they were blowing you.
Whatever, one or the other.
You're fine with either.
I was okay with both.
And that didn't happen.
And so here we are, Yard.
Well, look what you did.
Look what you did, Yard.
Look at us.
We did do another challenge recently.
What's that?
We did the fast food challenge.
Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah.
By the way, thanks for the invite.
You wouldn't have to do it.
Dude, you would have been so bad at that.
You would have...
Your performance as the dog would have looked like you, your most heroic moment.
Excuse me.
I am an eater.
I know how to eat.
No, you're not.
It wasn't an eating dick.
No, you would have killed it off.
I did great.
Excuse me.
My projectile vomited fries.
You told me that you had to go.
You were telling me that you had to go.
Like, you were mentioning that you had to go to the ER several times.
Okay.
Wait, let me explain something.
You did mention that you were going to go to Earth.
She did, except she rose up to the extent.
She pulled herself up.
At first, I thought cutie, bad idea for having cutie in the forest.
No, she was the guzzler.
She fucking clutched it in the last package.
In like the last prize.
Yeah.
You know what?
I guess we'll never know.
Okay, no, we can do a play-by-play.
We go to the Chick-fil-A.
We go to the Chick-fil-A.
Cobb salad sandwich.
Okay, I know.
Love you.
Cob salad sandwich has, unfortunately, not grilled chicken in it.
I would have done it.
I just ate a spicy chicken sandwich the other day.
Okay.
You would have eaten the cop salad sandwich with the 30-calorie competition.
I would have sucked it up.
I don't believe it.
I don't save you.
I just ate a spicy chicken sandwich.
Okay, Whopper Jr. Would have done it all.
If this was a challenge, a food challenge, I would have bit the bowl.
I would have gotten worried about yourself.
I wouldn't have drawn 5,000 calories.
I wouldn't have counted the macros.
It's fine.
If it was a competition, why would I enter into a competition?
He's doing the classic armchair quarterback, and he's like, Yeah, if it was me, I would have ate 6,000 calories.
Everybody in the comments knows.
No, no one agrees.
We know you better than they do, and we have no faith in you.
You know how hard it is to maintain a body like this?
I would like to say that I'm sorry.
I did not know that you would have participated.
I would have participated.
He should have just been the driver.
To be honest, I did not know that cutie wanted to participate either.
I would have been the drive.
You know what?
I felt left out.
It was a yard versus the fear end, and I wasn't even a part of it.
It wasn't even mentioned.
You were mentioned.
We talked about you.
Oh, yeah.
Talk shit about me.
Yeah, a lot.
Because everywhere we went, I was thinking in the back of my mind, what would Austin do if he was faced with the challenge of having to eat anything that's not just grilled chicken?
No, I eat other people.
You're also like a picky eater, too.
Yes.
You are a sneaky picky eater.
Excuse me.
Hold on, Hassan Piker.
I went to an Omakase restaurant and ate eel a bunch of sushi that you would have not even fucking touched.
Yeah, but could have you eaten?
So until you can sit at the sushi bar with a with a with a world-renowned sushi chef as they cook Ross or they talk you talk so much Ross on the way.
Okay, it was awful, but you know what?
I sat there and I endured it with your brother.
Where the fuck were you?
Yeah, I spent time with your brother.
Where were you?
The only thing I don't me and Mariah.
The only thing I don't eat is seafood.
Other than that, I'm fucking tanking shit.
What about 10 cartons of fries?
Would have done it.
Six chicken fingers.
I've done that.
Ice cream and half a jamoca shake.
I would have done it.
And a raspberry chicken.
I'm not really strict on my diet right now anyway.
I just don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
Because you have.
Why am I being abused for being a healthy eater?
Because you and I have body dysmorphia.
It's normal for me to have it because I'm actually fat.
You're already shredded and you were literally like, you're so insane about your diet, which you're supposed to be in order to maintain that body fat percentage.
You have the best body on the fear end.
You have the best body on podcasts.
We should have made you the driver.
I want to see you.
Look at me.
I'm dressed as woody.
I ordered everybody Starbucks.
I can't believe you.
He did a premeditated act of kindness so that he could just fucking be ruthless.
I just want everybody to see what I have to deal with now.
That's so caddy.
I love that.
I want to go back to how cutie would assume we would be as women.
Oh.
Are you ready for that, creatively speaking?
Creatively speaking, I think, Hassan, you would be a very unhappy woman.
I am an unhappy man.
I think you would have a lot of.
Yeah, you would have a lot of issues.
All the things that make you appealing as a man would make you unappealing as a woman.
I hate how that happens.
What are we gruff?
You are barbarous.
Yeah.
I don't think you'd be very feminine.
I'd be very butch lady.
Yeah.
Hey, give me that chicken salad.
I think Will would be a very popular woman.
Yes.
She would be.
Will would be a bit of a slut, but it's positive.
Also, I feel like you would be the popular girl.
Exploiting Your Money00:04:16
And you would definitely not associate.
I feel like I would delay that.
You would be a very manipulative and conniving woman, though.
I would gaslight the shit out of people.
I think as a man, you're not.
You'd be an evil woman.
Yes.
You're like, you got potato farmer hands as a man.
Yes.
Which plays into you overcompensating and trying to be as nice as possible.
Sure.
As a woman, we're assuming the potato farmer hands turns into potato farmer titties.
Well, all the women in my family are very attractive.
That's what I'm saying.
Like you would be like a buxom, you know, childbearing hips type lady.
Austin would be a Karen.
And you would utilize.
Yes.
Yes.
Oh, fuck.
Yes.
No, I would not.
No, I would not.
Everybody calls me a Karen.
I do not complain that often.
Oh!
We have to ask a question.
Marriott Cobalt.
What's that?
Oh!
Marriott.
Oh.
Cobalt.
Okay, okay.
Let me let me say this.
You are not the highest level in Marriott.
Yeah, I know.
Turns out is a secret level, apparently, known as Cobalt.
Yes, I learned this in the chat.
Why are you such a broke bitch?
I didn't know that there was a secret level.
I spent all of his money on my Disney present.
I did spend a lot of money on it.
I am a Marriott ambassador, but not a Cobalt member.
Cobalt is invite only.
Yeah.
By the way, you have to invite by the CEO, and I don't know Marriott.
They're Mormon.
Do you know them?
The secret message is the CEO.
Do you know the CEO?
You know there's a Book of Mormon in every room in Marriott.
Did you know that?
I didn't.
You should read it.
Oh, my God.
For the Patreon content of this episode.
Yeah.
Using that confessional booth.
Yeah.
Can we have you call Marriott headquarters and ask to be Cobalt?
Sure.
There's no way they're going to not know what that is.
You think even the employees don't know what the secret level is.
I will call them and ask them if, yeah, I'll do that.
So what is the secret level?
I don't know what that endures, but there's also, Delta also has one that I've called Delta 360.
So you have, you're double fucked.
Yeah.
You have dedicated your entire life to being a good consumer.
And both these corporations that you have basically like signed your life away to, you've done fealty.
My day will come.
I don't think so.
I think my day will come.
Cobalt.
I think.
360.
I think you've, there's a, I heard, little bird told me.
Oh.
Have you complained too much?
No.
I don't.
They just blacklisted.
No, I'm not.
I blacklisted 360.
I am.
I don't complain.
I haven't even come.
I can't even remember the last time I complained at a hotel.
I really can't.
I can.
When?
The picket line?
When the United States is a good picket line.
No, I didn't complain about that.
The cookies.
I know I didn't.
The picket line.
No, the cookies were a long time ago.
That was a $35 cookie.
That's an abomination.
That you ordered the next night as well.
I did, but look, it was who pays 30?
I ordered a cookie.
It was 35 bucks.
Who pays 35 bucks for a child?
I was also on the phone with Austin earlier today, and he was like, $77 for Starbucks.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Yeah.
Come on.
Yeah.
$77.
It is a lot.
I paid $80 for this.
Joe Brandon's America.
$80 is like...
I don't think that's Karen behavior.
That's $80.
No, it's just crazy.
I agree with that.
Like, $35 cookie is crazy.
$80 for Starbucks is crazy.
And my DMs are open.
And I've been trying to do this, but nobody DMs me with their problems.
I am a consumer advocate.
I don't want consumers.
Consumers are often taken advantage of by predatory corporations.
They want to exploit you for your money.
Remember, your business to these corporations is not a privilege.
It's earned.
And they have to earn your business.
They don't have a right to it.
They have to earn it.
And that's what I believe.
And you should get all the value out of the world.
You know what's fucked up?
You could have helped me.
So I ordered the scripts for Wizard of Oz from Staples so I could have a few hours highlighting and stuff like that.
They're supposed to be picked up by a courier and brought to me by 6 p.m. 7 p.m.
Earning Corporate Business00:03:28
No one, nothing.
And Staples closed at 9.
So I call Staples.
I'm like, hey, where's my scripts?
I'm panicking, so I'm doing all of this stuff.
And they're like, oh, I don't know.
A courier picked it up.
I said, okay.
Can you like track that?
Because it said the Corey was supposed to deliver by six.
They're like, no, you have to call Instacart.
So then I call Instacart.
Instacart's like, we can't do anything.
It was ordered through Staples.
So then I call Staples and they're like, yeah, we can't do anything.
And so anyway, long story short, I got them reprinted.
You had to get them reprinted.
So you never didn't get them until now.
Never found what happened to the first editions.
No clue.
So there's first edition scripts outside.
Wait, wait, so they didn't, you didn't get your.
Did you get your money back?
No.
Well, you got to get your money back.
Well, what is she going to nickel in that?
How much was that even?
It was $230.
It's a principal.
It is.
$230?
Come on.
What is she made of money?
All right.
I have a question I want to ask everybody.
Conspiracy theory.
Barbie Heimer is a fucking psyop.
What does that mean?
Psychological operations conducted oftentimes by the military to change people's attitudes about a certain thing, you know, make them go crazy.
Do you think I can make my own atom bomb at home?
There's actually a famous story, America Me Up, cue the fucking eagle.
It's called the Nuclear Boy Scout.
Have you ever heard the Nuclear Boy Scout?
Okay, so there was this guy in America.
I'm going to condense it a lot because you don't fucking care.
I do.
He was a Boy Scout who started reading about all the machinations of making an atomic reactor and what it took to make them.
And he went out and started collecting Glow in the Dark Paint, which actually had trace amounts of like enriched uranium.
Oh, wow.
And he made a nuclear reactor in the trunk of his car.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, because I've been watching, I've been watching this.
Are you trying to make a nuclear bomb?
No.
I don't want to accidentally do it.
You can't.
You can't accidentally do it.
Well, finding it.
Finding the enriching uranium is the hardest ball.
Yeah, no, that took him like months of like scraping glow in the dark paint.
And I don't even think that you have enriched uranium and glow in the dark paint anymore, man.
I don't think you have anybody.
Oh, well, it was, I've just been watching videos about Oppenheimer, and it feels pretty simple to make an atom bomb.
No.
You're not wrong.
No.
No, when you look at it, it's like you literally enrich governments like North Korea is taking them forever.
Oh, no, it's just taking forever to launch it to a warhead.
Yeah, the ICBM stuff is the hard part.
Yeah, it feels like all you have to do is ballistic missiles.
No.
You make yourself a little ball of the stuff.
You go on the space needle and you drop it.
No, it doesn't work that way.
No, you can use it.
If you drop the ball of enriched uranium into a location, it most likely would not compress the enriched uranium far enough for it to actually explode.
Oh, I just want to hear another because the proton needs to break another part of the psyop.
Gino Nolan has another brother.
He has two brothers, one of which is a killer whose codename was Oppenheimer.
Christopher Nolan?
Yes.
Wait, what?
Yes.
Christopher Nolan had a brother that's a murderer.
Yes.
Whose code name was Oppenheimer?
Wait, what was he doing?
Was he killing people with political?
I don't know that.
I'm just giving you the information.
Wait, why is it a Cyclops again?
Psyops.
A PSYOP.
Why is it PSYOPS again?
Because I don't.
Okay, so Barbieheimer, right, was this thing that all the TikTokers and the Zoomers started doing.
The Barbieheimer Phenomenon00:04:36
I think it was planted there by advertising agencies who were like, wow, this is going to be a big weekend for film.
But these two movies are going to compete against each other unless we start doing this like crossover event, right?
So they start paying people to promote Barbieheimer, right?
It was cooked up in like a Don Draper madman style advertising.
It was like the scrimmage shake.
Yes.
And disseminated to the public.
And here's the thing: everybody's like, double feature, double feature.
That's not how double features work, you fucking Philistines.
When you go to a double feature, it's the same type of movie.
Sci-fi double feature, horror double feature, romance double feature, because you want to get in a cut.
You want to get in a groove.
It's like jam-band.
It's lyrical jazz, baby.
But you don't go from the pastel toy commercial that is Barbie into the crushing noir fucking drama that is Oppenheimer.
You will not enjoy that.
It is breakneck.
No one will have any fun.
I don't think people are even doing it.
I think now, no, people did do it because now this weekend, as of today, not including Sunday, is the fourth biggest opening weekend for film ever.
But I like it.
They both benefited from it.
Absolutely.
But they're also like Titans in their own right.
You know what I mean?
Like both of these movies were going to be very successful.
I want to see regardless.
I like it.
It's felt because then you're anti-strike.
Because I'll tell you this.
They pushed back the strike by 12 days.
Why?
So they could release it.
Who's that?
So they could get the actors.
They could get the actors to do promos for the film.
The promo that was Barbieheimer.
They were planning this from the beginning, man.
They started planning it right after 9-11 and it came out here.
Okay, here's what I'm going to say.
That's right.
Here's what I'm going to say.
He's right about this.
The studios absolutely.
Not 9-11.
He's right about this.
The studios absolutely were basically negotiating in good faith while simultaneously knowing full well that they were inevitably going to shut down Toss with like a ridiculous counter.
Yes.
They were just trying to hold out for as long as possible because Barbenheimer weekend was going to be a massive blockbuster hit because it is a multi-hundred million dollar project on either side.
Killian Murphy actually walked out of the premiere.
Yeah, the red carpet.
Yes.
Why?
Because at midnight it flipped to the strike.
And it was in the UK.
He's so cool.
It's so cool.
I mean, I would do anything for him.
Killian Murphy is very hot.
I'm really fucked in Oppenheimer, and I'm very excited.
I digress further.
Okay.
Everybody said Titans in their own right, right?
Titans in their own right.
We have completely forgotten that one of these movies is a fucking toy tie-in, right?
It is the same thing as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and we look at that and we go, how ridiculous.
I did too.
But we forget it's toy tie-in.
The other one is like this sympathetic view at the guy who basically fumble fucked his way into ending life on this planet eventually.
No, no.
I think we're all going to die from a nuclear bomb.
Yes.
Really?
Yeah.
It is.
You literally just talked about North Korea's launching nuclear missiles from a slingshot.
As soon as they figure out, it's going to be North Korea then.
I don't think it's going to be North Korea for a while.
You're going to hear a bang, then a hot wave is going to hit you.
And if your skin doesn't peel off your body, then the radiation is going to fry you.
I just.
Fuck.
Life is.
Yeah, take that in.
Start playing with Barbies.
Get on board the Science.
Wait, you think we're all going to die in a nuclear explosion?
I mean, there is a clock.
There is a new doomsday clock.
Can we stop it?
No.
It's moving too fast to midnight.
Wait, what do you mean?
Okay, like, look, I mean, can we just like, are we going to, is it going to be in our lifetime yet?
Yes.
Could happen.
I mean, it's.
See, this is why we need to disarm it.
It's definitely worse than ever.
That's why I'm like Sarah Connor, okay?
I've seen the future.
I'm trying to end the Terminator apocalypse.
We just need to.
So here's what I'm going to say about all of these things.
And the reason why I like it is because I'm old.
You like it.
Ending the Apocalypse00:04:06
And as an old guy, I feel like this is the first time where marketing campaigns have actually been able to tap into such a broad audience that back in the day when we were young, there would be these like blockbuster titles that would come into the world.
Yeah, you go to the drive-in.
Everybody would like get together because like the entertainment mediums were more condensed, basically.
And I'm not talking like there was only three channels on the television.
Like that's not what I mean.
But still, the internet wasn't as vast, right?
So people all would like get excited to go to the fucking movies to watch a goddamn movie that just came out.
And it would be in the collective psyche for a brief moment.
Yeah, we'd all be like, you're a capitalist.
And I feel like...
You're a capitalist.
No, I think that's fake, man.
Because ultimately, what it represents is this.
At one piece of time, we forgot how to market to Zoomers, right?
We didn't know how to market to them.
They were impenetrable because they could smell out bullshit.
We didn't know how to manipulate social media.
They were beyond it, man.
Everything was farcical.
Fuck yeah.
I'm not going to buy your pets.
How do they market now?
Now we have Grimace and Barbieheimer, and we've learned how to control these Zoomy Zooms and make them buy the same way that the fucking Pepsi generation was out there fighting the man, sticking it to Coca-Cola.
Yeah, yeah.
These people have never fought the man.
Anyway, so listen, my point is this.
I didn't fall.
There is a level of social cohesion that comes from living in a societal formation that is good.
Unfortunately, under a capitalist structure, that social cohesion is becoming more and more atomized, which I think is a problem.
So it makes me feel kind of good to see everybody getting together and being like, well, let's have a conversation about let's have a conversation about this one particular piece of cinema.
Straight up.
All cinema across the board is going to reflect the capitalist realities that we exist under.
It's going to normalize it.
That's just how media, that's how the medium works.
Hassan Piker, big toy commercial guy.
All right, that's our time for this episode.
I forgot to ever sell my AMC stocks, so I'm happy everyone's AMC stocks?
You bought a shooting, you should keep it and Dogecoin and BB.
Oh, yeah.
Keeping the tree real quick.
Let's keep it in the tree before.
And then we're going to do even worse shit to their studio behind the paywall.
That's right, at patreon.com.
At patreon.com/slash fear and have you guys never TP'd anything?
What the fuck's going on?
I thought we needed a good, I thought we needed a good conspiracy theory.
I like it.
I love conspiracy theories.
I'm not even sure if I believe it, but it's good content.
Yeah.
Awesome.
Oh, God.
This is, are you getting this on camera?
I love people being like, Barbie's so anti-capitalist.
Like, no, it's not.
It's still a fucking toy commercial.
You're absolutely right about that.
But I think that's enough.
Is this enough?
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Well, anyway, we're going to the Patreon.
Behind the Paywall, we're going to do even more fucked up shit to their studios.
Behind the Paywall We Go.
Is that okay?
Yes.
Behind the Paywall We Go.
We're going to have a big orgy right here.
Yep.
Big orgy.
All right.
Somebody rub your butt on someone's mic.
That'd be funny.
Happy Eagle.
I'm going to fart in Ludwig's mic.
I'm going to sniff Aiden's chair.
That'll get him.
Yeah, that'll get him.
Yeah.
All right.
All right.
See you behind the paywall.
Peace.
Did I?
It moved significantly.
It looked like it wanted to.
It looked like it wanted to break, but it didn't.
That's not regulation.
God, if you had gone through their slide, that would have been so iconic.