Art Bell celebrates his 50th birthday with a $3,000 laptop (100 MHz, 540 MB) and studio black crepe decor, while musing on 1945’s chaos—Roosevelt’s death, Germany’s surrender, and the UN’s formation. He debates Bosnia’s U.N. troop mission amid Serb dominance and Gingrich’s criticism of Clinton, mocks O.J. trial hysteria (including a coma patient’s fixation), and dismisses media claims about missing Russian nukes ($12B lost NASA assets as exaggerated). Callers speculate on black helicopters, government debt ($5T–$45T), and nuclear threats targeting Tel Aviv or San Francisco’s porn industry, while Bell defends flag-burning protests as historically divisive. The episode blends humor, conspiracy musings, and his enduring belief in talk radio’s role amid global unpredictability. [Automatically generated summary]
And I have never in my life received such a wonderful birthday present as the one that I got today.
It's a real whizbanger.
Now, you guys, you know, I'm tied tightly to the information superhighway.
We've got a bulletin board service up.
I utilize heavily online services, the internet.
I'm just all over the place.
And these accesses require, of course, a computer.
I've also undertaken to write a book, as you know, and that process is underway.
So the demands, as you can imagine, on my one computer have been overwhelming.
Everybody wants a piece of it.
Everybody always wants to be on it.
So for some time, I have very much wanted a laptop computer.
And I went to Hong Kong, and every time I got the opportunity, when I was there, I would go into a store and I would look at these beautiful laptop computers, many of them running possibly as much as it seemed like $1,000 less than I could get them for here.
The problem was, of course, they all had names that were indecipherable.
And my thinking, and I believe I'm correct, was that do not buy a computer, no matter how good it looks, with a company name that is indecipherable.
Because when you get it back to the United States, nobody would be able to decipher it.
So if you ever had a problem with it, you would be up the proverbial creek without a paddle.
And in other words, it'd be a piece of junk if it broke.
So I didn't buy one.
So then I came back here to the States and because of the actually increased pressure on the computer time, I spent time looking for a computer back here.
And they have some buttes.
Oh, they've got some butts.
But I looked at the price tag and you know, I'm comfortable.
I'm not.
By the way, in case you're curious, I'm not rich.
I looked at the price tags and I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
I mean, yes, I actually had the money and I could have done it, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
I mean, that's a lot of money for a good laptop, and I wanted a good laptop.
So, my network, on the occasion of my 50th, and I need to thank Alan, of course, at the network.
I need to thank everybody who had anything to do with this at the network, how they could have known, maybe through my wife, who agonized over my watching, endlessly going down rows of laptops, shaking my head, trying to figure out what to do.
I don't know.
But Alan Corbeth and company at the network sent me a laptop computer.
Not just any laptop computer, mind you, but the laptop of one's dreams.
You know, we're talking, for those of you who know about computers, we're talking about 100 megahertz clock speed here.
We're talking about a 540-meg hard drive.
We're talking about an 11-something or another-inch screen in full blazing 640 by 480 times 256 color.
And, you know, just the top of the line, modem connections, I could go on and on and on and on.
But a top-of-the-line laptop, so there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, that is my big present, which sits in the other room presently charging, waiting for me to begin cracking the manuals open and trying to figure it out.
Of course, that's half the fun of it.
So that's my big birthday present, and it is a biggie, and I love it.
So I have been, shall we say, taken care of.
In addition, my wife has seen fish for some reason.
This will tell you something about my wife's sense of humor.
The entire studio, when I came in here, is draped in black crepe.
Black crepe.
And there's a little, normally where my picture of Shannon Dougherty would reside.
That too is hung in black crepe.
And in front of it is a little cut out of a tombstone which says appropriately, R.I.P., Arthur William Bell, June 17, 1945, dash question mark, see you on the other side.
So that's my wife for you.
Plus then, she took all the birthday cards that you have sent and has pasted them up all over the place.
And one of the postcards, or one of the postcards, very nice birthday cards was sent by, looks like the Norseman from San Diego.
But there are some facts about the year I was born that I thought would be interesting.
The history of 1945, my year.
President Roosevelt died in 1945.
Truman was sworn in as president.
Hitler committed suicide in Berlin.
Germany surrendered unconditionally.
That never happened.
Nobody surrenders unconditionally anymore.
The United Nations formed.
Whoa, there's a high point.
Japan surrendered.
Nuremberg war crimes trials began.
Truman requested national health insurance.
Another high point.
Pan Am announced route get this round-the-world flight in just 88 hours at a cost of $700.
You'd go around the world in 88 hours at a cost of $700.
Can you imagine?
Academy Award winners.
Picture.
The lost weekend.
Actress Joan Crawford.
Mildred Pierce.
Actor Ray Miland.
The Lost Weekend.
Prices.
Now, this is from the year I was born.
A postage stamp was 3 cents.
A bread pound loaf was 9 cents.
A quart of milk was 16 cents.
A gallon of gas, 21 cents.
The average price of a house?
$10,131.
And the minimum wage was $40 an hour.
So I guess all of that was in scale, wasn't it?
But yesterday's house is barely an economy.
We can squeak by with it kind of car today.
So that gives you some idea of the scale of the change since I've been born.
Actually, it's frightening.
Now the news, that's pretty frightening to Bosnia.
Bosnia.
The battle to free Sarajevo is on.
And guess what?
The Bosnian Muslim army has made some progress.
They're actually making progress.
They are cutting Serb supply lines.
The Serbs are spread thin.
As a matter of fact, most of the troops thought they had the whole war won.
About a year ago, they got 70% of the territory.
Their morale is low.
Soldiers have been deserting the Serb army.
The Serb army is threatening them and saying you will be back by July 2nd, or else.
You can imagine the or else.
Sarajevo is being shelled from the high ground surrounding the city.
Serbs still hold that and outnumber Muslim artillery very seriously, about five to one.
But I'll tell you something.
The Muslim army is making inroads.
The Serbs may be in trouble at the economic summit.
Only questions for our president, not about the economic summit, but about Bosnia, about the quick reaction force that's about to go in.
Questions about, Mr. President, isn't it really true that we're contributing to genocide by in effect not assisting one side?
And he didn't have a very good answer for that at all, kind of stumbled around a little bit and talked about our European allies and the rest.
At any rate, the quick reaction force.
Now, the president, in the strongest terms, endorsed it.
And one of his aides earlier in the day said, and furthermore, we will pay for part of it.
Now, that aide may have spoken a little bit soon.
Because while the House and Senate leadership seems to have agreed, no problem, we'll pay for it.
They told the President, see here, we may be the only guys who are going to vote this way.
In other words, Mr. President, we really don't think you've got the votes.
We pay one-third of all the cost of whatever the UN does.
Are we going to pay a third of this?
I don't think so.
So the president had to backtrack on that one and said, well, we should pay for it, and I'll do everything I can to encourage them to pay for it.
But he certainly had to backtrack.
Gingrich says the president is not consulting with him.
Mr. Gingrich says, as a matter of fact, that he had better and more substantive talks with the president of France all year long than he's ever had with President Clinton.
President Clinton does not like foreign policy.
It's obvious.
He doesn't even like to talk about it.
And we've heard that again and again.
Imagine that.
Speaker of the House says he's had better and more substantial foreign policy discussions with the President of France and the U.S. Woohoo, how embarrassing, huh, Bill?
Anyway, the U.N. is going to send in more troops, and one can only sit and ponder why.
What are they going to do when they get there?
The U.N. troops that we've got there now are what?
Peacekeepers.
The clear implication there is that there is some sort of peace to keep.
Well, there isn't.
All there is is war, more war.
Even our president yesterday was forced to admit, hey, there's nothing we can do.
Sit and watch.
So why pay good money to send good human beings into the middle of somebody else's war to watch and be in harm's way?
In other words, I guess I'm asking, what is the mission?
And if there is no mission, then why are we going?
Does that seem reasonable?
O.J. Simpson.
What a day in court yesterday.
Rarely, ladies and gentlemen, have I seen Marcia Clark.
I mean, she was at her wound-up, wounded, whining best.
Marcia Clark was absolutely beside herself yesterday.
There are actually, there were a couple of high points in the court yesterday.
That was one of them.
As a matter of fact, the president of the Allen, the president of the Allen, president of the network, Alan Corbeth, called me, and he said, are you watching this?
I said, oh, yes.
Marcia Clark was just absolutely livid.
What's occurred is the defense basically is trying to argue that if a mistrial occurs, there is a particular legal precedent that at that point takes over, they're arguing, preventing the retrial of O.J. Simpson.
In other words, if it goes to mistrial, they're arguing he walks.
Anything else would be, they say, double jeopardy.
And so you will hear them use the term jeopardy, constitutional jeopardy, at that point attaches.
So they're trying to argue that if there is a mistrial, and you know we're close, that O.J. Simpson gets to walk free.
Well, it's like somebody lit Marcia Clark's fuse, and she absolutely went crackers, and it is, frankly, kind of entertaining to watch.
Then there's the other part, the glove.
What a terrible idea.
Christopher Darden, to me, who always looks like a guy who is about to go over the edge and jump across the room and strangle somebody.
I mean, he's got this sort of gleam in his eye.
Anyway, Christopher Darden had the hot idea to have O.J. Simpson put on the much-discussed gloves.
And you'll recall from the previous day, it was probably a bad idea because the gloves, of course, didn't fit.
So O.J. Simpson has the luxury of struggling with the gloves, trying to get the gloves on his hand.
And obviously, the jury can see these gloves don't fit.
Well, this is a very bad moment, of course, for Christopher Darden, who had the bright idea.
He's sitting there kicking himself.
He came back, and first thing out of his mouth to the judge was, yes, we have something we must cover right away.
And the judge inquires, what would that be?
And he said, shrinkage.
We must talk shrinkage.
So they did.
They brought in a supposed expert, a vice president of a glove company, who seemed to say that, oh, yes, blood, and then put in a bag 10 to 15% shrinkage at least.
And, you know, they tried to do best damage control they could.
But the fact of the matter is that the remaining image and the struggle with the jury, without question, is the image of OJ trying to get these gloves, you know, the glove that would fit the hand, trying to get them on.
And like Cinderella or Cinderella's nemesis, there was no way that glove was going comfortably on that hand.
And frankly, for the prosecution, it just didn't look good at all.
So to me, that's the enduring image, and the prosecution got hurt by that one.
Tell you, Darden looks like a wild man, doesn't he?
Chechnya, the government of Russia has told the Chechen rebels, get this now, it will pay any amount of money, any amount of money, if they'll just release the hostages being held.
And by the way, now we think there may not be just hundreds, but thousands being held about 100 miles north-northeast of the Chechen border.
Now, these hostages, of course, were not taken to retrieve money.
They were taken to force the government of Russia to get its soldiers the hell out of Chechen territory.
And in case you're wondering whether or not they're going to accept money, the leader of the Chechen rebels holding these hostages is the last of his family.
All other 11 members of his family were killed together in a recent Russian attack in Chechnya.
So the odds of these rebels taking any money and letting these slim none and minus, I would say.
Late news from Reuters: Russian troops reportedly have stormed the hospital where Chechen rebels are holding some 1,000 hostages.
That's what they say now.
About 200 hostages, many ill or suffering from shock, were reportedly freed from the hospital after troops moved in, and both sides were said to have agreed to a brief ceasefire Saturday to let women and children leave.
Sure wish we'd done that at Waco, huh?
Anyway, the rebels had said they were prepared to kill hostages and blow up the building if demands, including the withdrawal of Russian troops from breakaway Chechnya, weren't met.
The only story they had on Oklahoma City last night was an audio recording of the explosion or what it sounded like directly across the street.
And it sounded exactly like you would think it would, a big explosion.
Big.
One.
Sustained.
At least that's the way it sounded to me.
So for whatever it's worth, they ran that and no other story.
Now, a quickening update, if you will.
You tell me there are now at least 22 people known dead in the large earthquake southwest of Athens, Greece.
Last night at this time, I think we reported about eight dead.
I saw them pulling one child out of rubble.
There was a very rare, very rare earthquake right near the Vermont-New Hampshire border, about 10 miles of St. Let's see, 10 miles south of St. Johnsbury, Vermont, or about 40 miles west-southwest of Berlin, New Hampshire, at 6:13 a.m. Mountain Daylight Time today.
Only a magnitude of 3.8.
But this is one of those rare areas in the country where you're not supposed to have earthquakes.
You're hardly ever supposed to have earthquakes.
So, who knows what's going on?
Something.
A lot of people feel it.
I'm one of them.
I've got quite a bit on the militias this morning, but I'll tell you what, it's Friday night, Saturday morning.
Well, I wouldn't go as far as say I lived for the OJ trial.
But once again, today I found myself glued heavily to it.
And it's beginning to get very interesting again.
And Marcia Clark, as I said in my setup, she was really at her absolute wound-up best.
unidentified
Oh, she was great.
But I have to tell you what is the tough news in South Carolina.
What?
A woman was in a car accident there two or three months ago and was in a coma for two or three months and came out of the coma and all the news wires and networks back there carried this.
Her first words upon awaking from the coma were, has OJ been set free yet?
The first words out of her mouth when she would come out of a three-month coma.
Let's see, do I believe that or not?
Do I believe that or not?
Well, I might.
I might.
There it is.
I admit it is.
It's been boring at times.
You know, a lot of the coroner testimony over the last couple weeks has been boring.
But the O.J. Simpson trial, and I'll not be ashamed to admit it, is fascinating.
The twists, the turns, the emotion, the anger, the theater, the drama, every bit of it is there.
And I was reminded yesterday as I watched Marcia Clark jump around like she had been wound up, and somebody threw the switch, and the Marcia Clark doll started doing her dance.
And, oh, she was just, she's really wound up.
And I think it was Alan Dershowitz that was her main target.
And when she got done, Dershowitz simply stood up and said, Your Honor, I'm not even going to honor the ad hominem attacks by Miss Clark.
I'm going to respond only.
And then from there, he went on.
He was quite good, by the way.
And it's not, look, I want to say this because a lot of people feel I'm attacking Marcia Clark.
And I suppose it constitutes a kind of an attack on her character.
But I've got to tell you, in a lot of ways, I feel sorry for her.
You look across the aisle at the talent on that defense team, and it is the best money could buy.
I mean, if you wanted to pick the best lawyer from each category of expertise, they've got him sitting over there.
And Dershowitz was a good example yesterday.
I mean, the guy is brilliant.
You can like or hate Dershowitz, and many hate him.
But he's brilliant.
Brilliant.
And all of this talent lined up against Marcia Clark.
So in some ways, I almost feel sorry for her.
On the other hand, she really can get going.
And yesterday, she was just absolutely at her best.
It's a rather big book, and it's kind of involved, but I think if you look at it, you'll, you know, you stay up late, so I hope it doesn't send you reeling.
By the time this is all done, sir, this may make the Kennedy conspiracy look like a child's story.
unidentified
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, it almost seems, though, as if maybe possibly the FBI has joined forces with five and nine.
Of course, I'm not so sure that four actually ever claimed that this was John Doe number two, but it was a possibility, and they had essentially eyewitnesses to that effect.
Well, all we can do, I guess, is hope that time and good investigation work and all the rest of it will tell, and we'll find out the real answer.
But this is beginning to gather to it all the earmarks of a story that we will simply never know about.
As you know, John Doe number one is not saying a word.
I mean, this guy has his lips sewn together.
He's saying nothing.
We don't know about John Doe number two.
There are a million stories out there in the big city, and most of them different, including the FBI's.
The FBI had the misfortune the other day to have to admit that what they were calling John Doe number two had nothing to do with the bombing.
Moreover, was not even in that truck rental agency on the day that their other witnesses who ID'd McVeigh, supposedly there, claim both of them were there.
So the FBI kind of shot a hole in the credibility of their own witnesses.
Yeah, when they started out, they were pretty much just, I guess you'd call it New Age music, but they've kind of branched out more into jazz fusion and stuff like that.
But their early work is a lot, you know, really reminiscent of Cusco.
Your grandmother memorialized the occasion by saying, I think little art has found his calling.
How right she was.
From early on, it was ham radio, ham radio, and more ham radio.
It seems to me that the only time you emerged from your radio shack during those teenage years was to take pot shots at the neighboring mailboxes with the BB gun your father finally allowed you to have.
It's a strange but wonderful experience to awaken to the sound of your voice wafting across the airwaves from the high desert of Nevada to the eastern tip of Long Island.
Needless to say, we're all bursting with pride at your phenomenal success.
Well deserved after 30 years of hard, hard work.
Parents do tend to reminisce, and I'd like to share one anecdote with your listeners.
A barn for Barbara Ford, a big bedroom with a closet of her own for your sister Tina, and a radio shack on the third floor for you.
After managing to talk to some fellow ham and getting him to give you a huge Japanese antenna, you climbed up on the roof of that three-story house to install it, as I watched it in abject terror from below.
Obviously, you have survived the experience and have gone on to phenomenal success in your chosen field.
I'd like you to know how much I treasure your frequent phone calls, the wonderful fax machine you sent us, those lovely flowers that arrive on special occasions, all the things so important and endearing to mothers.
I'll close by saying how much I love you and to express the hope that the next 50 years will be as exciting and rewarding as the first 50.
I called to let you know that my mom died in 1991, February of 1990, and I used the inheritance I had to buy my station.
And so I would love to have heard a message like that from her.
And I thought what your mom said was wonderful.
And so I think I can't, I'm 40, and you're 50, and I can't give you any advice because you're older than I am.
But I will say this, that you're very fortunate to have your mother there to give you a message like that because I really, sometimes I really, really miss my mom.
So, you know, I'll tell you, if this is any comfort, and it ought to be, I personally, through all my investigations and all the weird things that I look into, I am convinced there is an afterlife.
So it's not like your mom doesn't know what's going on.
You know, you always say you never edit your calls or they come through, but you're real quick to cut people off and make your point with them off the air.
Let's just ask, is it fair to characterize a government that hands its citizens a $5 trillion debt, and that government's on the gold standard, and the amount of gold available in the world at this time is $1 trillion.
And if that government handing its citizens a $5 trillion debt, basically throwing open its borders And fundamentally, with the debt and the push for multiculturalism.
And I understand there is a birthday greeting here from the man that you just heard from, Ross Mitchell.
So if it's here, here it is.
unidentified
Happy birthday, Art.
This is your offstage announcer, Ross Mitchell, reminding you that old people like to give good advice and solace for no longer being able to provide bad examples.
He's from one of our original affiliates, one of the early affiliates as the network began to blossom, KOH, which then became KOH, K-K-O-H, 50,000 watts on 780 and remains a very strong good affiliate in Reno.
That's voice of Ross Mitchell.
Thanks, Ross.
Back to a caller I've had on hold.
Thanks for holding, sir.
You are back on the air.
unidentified
Thanks for allowing me to hold.
Well, I've got to get a Cusco tape.
I've been enjoying sitting here just listening to that.
Anyway, as I sit here looking at the San Diego Union Tribune today, I've nearly half a page on these militias.
And again, the thought occurred to me that occurred to me last night as I listened to you, as I try to put myself in their mindset and just try to get inside their heads, and it's scary.
But what has me concerned is as they begin to perceive, there seems to be a growing tide of perception that we are somehow now a people with a government turned against us.
Well, okay, maybe they're not so shadowy, but, you know, I mean, here's the point that I'm getting around to, though.
I began to see in this, and maybe, and this kind of scares me, the seeds of what might be a natural progression in the life expectancy of a government.
The reason I bring this up is I just heard a report on television that Michael Jackson is going to apologize for these lyrics in his new song about Jews and all this kind of stuff.
Yes, he's going to apologize because Steven Spielberg has distanced himself from Michael Jackson, and Army Archer has said he's not his friend anymore because of the lyrics.
In other words, A, I don't think there's much of it that goes on, and B, when it does, American citizens tend to take care of it themselves.
I mean, look, most people are red-blooded Americans, and there's a lot of people, as they see somebody burning flag, they're going to go up and plant their knuckles squarely in their face.
It's one of those kind of deals.
You know, so I don't know that the flag needs constitutional protection.
And it limits government, does not limit individuals.
And my suggestion is, and I've suggested this to my congressional delegation, that we just the Congress bless a few flags, those on city buildings, other government buildings, post office, whatever, and the other flags will just be representative of the official flag.
That'll take the wind out of the sails of those who would burn the flag.
I mean, after all, is a flag that comes out of a manufacturing plant any different from the flag I may draw on a napkin in a bar one night and burn that?
It isn't, because the flag being manufactured is not blessed as being official.
This flag-burning amendment has now come out of committee.
On general principles, I don't object to it.
And it stinks when someone burns a flag.
I mean, it's just real.
Everybody, most people, most Americans feel the same way.
You burn the American flag.
You're a slob, you know.
You're just a total slob.
And I don't know if we need a law about it, you know, generated by a constitutional amendment.
Because as I said, and I really mean this, you know, most Americans would get so angry when they would see it that, you know, the reaction or the physical condition of the person burning the flag, I think, would be in great question if done in a crowd.
Hey, I do not agree necessarily that the proof exists that he burned it down.
It burned down.
Now, just when you asked, you're going to get an answer.
There were mistakes made on both sides.
What I said was, I wish to hell somebody had made some kind of deal or that Koresh had let the kids out before the assault at Waco, and I stand by that.
Yes, sir.
unidentified
Well, yeah, I think we can all stand by that.
I just hope that no one got the impression there that you were taking on the U.S. government for not letting the kids out because they tried to get those kids out.
Well, I'm sorry, sir, but soon, sometime soon, you'll be able to be right back to the days of our lives and all the normal fare that I know that you...
unidentified
Hey, I'm telling you, that's why I don't watch CNN, because I don't like soap opera.
Okay, listen, I was wondering since you decided to write that book, I hope I'm going to hold you to your word, and you're going to have to autograph it for me once it comes out.
Going into the third hour of the show, still kicking.
I'm starting to feel better by the minute here.
Just better by the minute.
Now, this has been a very, very, very unusual day and morning for me.
Yes, it is my birthday.
And I again want to thank everybody up at the network.
They gave me this incredible computer, a laptop computer.
It is the laptop computer of my dreams.
And the network gave me that for a birthday present.
My wife has decorated my entire studio room in black crepe.
It's a little eerie.
Black crepe's hanging all over the place.
There are black balloons, black balloons in the back.
And there is a little cut-out RIP, Arthur William Bell, June 17th, 1945, dash question mark.
At least that's blank, thank God.
And says, see you on the other side.
I'm not sure about all of this, but my wife did a wonderful.
And then there are all the birthday cards up on the walls and everything.
Oh, it's great.
And then at the midnight hour, they walked in on me, handed me this group of cartridges, you know, broadcast tapes, and said, you're going to be playing these.
And so far, I have played a greeting from my mom.
You stations just joining missed it.
My mom had a lot of things to say about me, including some early things that I did that I wasn't supposed to do.
But it was great.
And then, you know, I play this song, Midnight at the Oasis.
Then I had a birthday greeting from Maria Muldauer, who sings Midnight at the Oasis.
I may play that again before the morning's over, too.
But right now, I have, and I haven't heard these, ladies and gentlemen, so I take no responsibility for whatever happens next.
The following comes to me from the Chancellor Broadcasting Network.
And so I'm going to push the button and we'll see what happens.
unidentified
Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
I am too sexy for my love.
Too sexy for my love.
Love's going to leave.
Hey, Art.
You didn't think we were going to let the big 5-0 slide by unnoticed, did you?
Well, it ain't going on there.
This is Alan Corbett, president of Chancellor Broadcasting.
I want you to know, big guy, now that you reached the Big 5-0, and I'm speaking from someone who experienced the same sensation approximately three weeks ago.
I want you to know that all of us here are wishing you the very, very happiest of birthdays.
A very, very successful 50th year.
All the best to you.
And people are just so excited over here at the network that everybody wants to get their two cents in here.
And I've invited, oh, just several of your closest personal friends.
Well, it just wouldn't be prudent to miss this opportunity to wish you a very happy birthday from George and Barbara.
You're a great guy, Art.
Hey, Art.
I think it's just nifty that you're 50th.
This is Beth Butler in Affiliate Relations.
Hi, Art.
Happy birthday.
This is Kathy Price in Customer Service, who helps all your customers with their tape orders.
Wanted to let you know that I'm so happy you have Gordon Michael Scallion on so often.
Happy birthday, Art.
This is Corky.
I hope the next 50 are as great as your first 50.
Happy birthday, Art, from Sherm Simmons at the flagship station.
Happy birthday, Art Bell, from Christine Wallace.
I'm Kathy's assistant, wishing you all the best.
From a little man with a big heart, this is Ross saying, Happy birthday, Art.
Happy 5-0, Art from Tim Caswell in Affiliate Relations.
Happy birthday, Art.
Here's Brian Bright Sailor from Engineering.
We keep you on the bird.
Hi, Art.
This is Miley Reed.
You know, that gal that's supposed to fax you your logs every night.
Have a really nice 50th birthday.
Hey, Art, have a fantastic 50th birthday.
This is Steve Burgess in Affiliate Relations, keeping you coast to coast.
Happy birthday, Art.
This is Jennifer with the flagship station.
Happy birthday, Art.
Julian Hudson, Director of Affiliate Relations, 200 affiliates just around the corner.
Happy birthday, Art, from Berlin Beard, Bordock.
What?
What's...
What's that lights in the sky?
Hey, who are you guys?
Hey, wait.
Who you?
Happy birthday, Art.
This is Jim Oakes, copywriter.
You know, you don't look a day over 49.
Yo, baby, Art.
This is Ann Fredenberg, the better half.
Hey, happy birthday from all the sales staff from the flagship station.
Happy birthday, Art Albine, from Roy Mastens.
From your flagship station, this is Kathy Perrot, Promotions Director.
Art, happy, happy birthday.
Thank you, Maddie, 50 years old.
I hope you'll get red and green with a fly on the day.
I love your sexist voice.
When are you coming to see us?
Hi Art!
It's Yuta.
Your favorite sales director.
That mint.
Happy 50 years old.
And the rest I can't tell you.
Speaking of the quickening, Art, happy 50th birthday from the morning crew here at KOP East Office Radio Network, Chancellor Broadcasting.
Yeah, we'll use your name.
We appreciate it filling in for you, even if it took all three of us to fill your shoes.
Call us anytime you need us.
Art, you are the greatest jubilant.
You have reached me in a place where others have failed to reach me.
Yes, it's true.
I listen to you from my little inner space.
Art, you're the best, man.
Happy birthday from David Masters.
Ah, yes, Artville.
Happy birthday.
50 years old, Art.
You're 50 years old.
I even talked to Ramona.
Guess what?
She told me you're not as good as you once were, but you're as good once as you ever were.
Regular guy says, Happy B-Day.
Hey, Art, 50, sexy.
Isn't that what they call an oxymoron?
Well, I guess when I'm 50, I'll look at it differently, too.
Happy birthday, Art.
Stephanie Smith.
Happy birthday, Art.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Love your show, Art.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm the guy that listens to it 9,000 times, pulls out all the commercials, so we can sell the show again.
I better love it.
Happy birthday, Art, from Roger Hogel, your unsung hero.
All right, in commemoration of your birthday, I'm doing something I would never ever do before.
Sit behind a microphone.
But because it's your birthday, happy birthday from Delaney Conrad, technical director.
Hey, Art, happy birthday.
This is Alex, KB7HCO, 73s.
And by the way, I'm glad you made it to 35.
It's okay.
50 doesn't mean anything.
It just means that you've lived an entire half of a century.
Happy 50th birthday from Daniel New Board Off.
Hi, Art.
This is Omar over at CBC.
I'm the guy who cuts all your promos.
Happy 50th birthday.
Hey, Art.
This is LTH, better known as Little Tony Howell.
If you have any problems with this production, call Alan.
It's his fault.
No, I produced it.
And, well, since you're listening to this, I'd like to play you a compilation of all of my best commercials.
Well, until they've done something that would justify our thinking poorly of them, we should not automatically think poorly of them, in my opinion, simply because they choose to fly.
Yeah, when I was in college, I learned that in ancient China, they had a law that said that no one could work for the government for more than three years before they had to transfer to another government post.
Government Lifespans00:04:08
unidentified
And they kept all their bureaucrats moving around that way.
And it was designed that way to cut down on graft and corruption with the assumption that the longer a bureaucrat's in office, the more cushy he gets with everyone.
You know, and so when I heard the discussion earlier this evening about The average lifespan of a government. I immediately thought of this because there have been times in Chinese history where the government was pretty much solid and unbroken for hundreds and hundreds of more years than we've been around.
And I think that we have a situation now where there's too much specialization.
I don't think, you know, with the age of computers, I think it should be possible for someone to hold a government job for a finite period of time, say five, six, seven years, maybe, maybe a little more.
Thank you very much for the call, and good luck with whatever direction you morph.
unidentified
This is Premier Networks.
That was Art Bell hosting Coast to Coast AM on this Somewhere in Time.
Networks presents Art Bell, Somewhere in Time.
Tonight, featuring Coast to Coast AM from June 16th, 1995.
Happy, happy birthday, Art.
This is your off-stage announcer, Ross Mitchell, and I just hope I look as distinguished as you do when I reach your age.
By the way, the Smithsonian was wondering if you could send them some baby pictures for a display they're planning on the evolution of the talk show host.
Art, here's to many more years of stimulating talk radio, continued success, and rapid growth of the Art Bell show.
And as you paddle up the river of life in your leaky Kentucky, remember, Art, growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you did not commit.
Or as George Orwell said, at 50, every man has the face he deserves.
The only comment I would have on that are, I agree with most of what you said, except that I don't think most of it had anything to do with paying for $700 toilet seats and $2 billion for a B-2 bomber and also NASA.
But look, sir, the stealth technology coming, the Star Wars technology coming, I firmly believe that all of these things are what finally just caused the Soviets to say, you know, we give and basically toss their cards down on the table.
I really believe that.
So we invested, yeah, all right, so there's some toilet seats or coffee pots or ashtrays or whatever.
But if you deducted all of that, you know, little waste junk you were talking about, it'd still be a lot of money.
unidentified
Okay, one thing I read in Time a while back to see what you think about this.
NASA has $12 billion worth of assets that they don't know where it's at.
Now, to me, that's just waste that I had nothing to do with.
I just wanted to remind you that the 50 years is just the chronological order of your husks aging and has nothing to do with you, which is an eternal being.
Still, you know, I mean, there's little bumps and stuff in the road as you get older.
There are little bumps, but hopefully you acquire the wisdom as you go to deal with them with some temperance.
And I think that's what you begin to acquire as you get older, some temperance.
I will admit, when I was younger, I didn't have very much temperance, as a matter of fact.
Actually, very little temperance.
I was very intemperate, very.
I have a lack of patience.
I have a very strong drive for a lot of things, and I have a very big lack of patience with those who don't share that drive with me.
And so I'm not, you know, I tended to be a very non-tolerant person.
Not exactly a Barbara Streisand, but, you know, close.
And I think that's one of the reasons her politics aside, I always admired her.
She is such a driven, focused, and I'm sure a lot of people would say very bad-tempered kind of woman, but she knows what she wants, and she goes and she gets it.
And I'm kind of that way, too.
And when you're younger, you're not very tolerant of people who get in your way.
unidentified
All right, now here is yet another birthday greeting.
And there's so much I want to tell you about, but real quick, they're going to show game one of the cup finals between the devils in Detroit tonight on TV.
And I just wanted to say that I have a friend, my neighbor, his birthday was Thursday, and I was just bringing him up because he went through something bad here at the park that I live by.
And I guess, well, he got shot, and he only has one lung.
I was just bringing it up because his birthday was Thursday, and yours is today, you know, and I was just bringing that up.
Well, another station here, the CBS affiliate, Tale 9, they reported tonight that this guy that they had, they interviewed him, and they completely cleared him because co-workers, supervisors, and his time cards all verified.
Well, at least I bet you everybody in Oklahoma City is just switching back and forth like crazy between Channel 4 and Channel 9 and this channel and that channel to see who's saying what and who's knocking down whose story, who's standing by theirs.
It's the battle of the newsrooms.
unidentified
The first I ever heard about that it wasn't this guy was just tonight.
So I guess I was expecting to hear more about it from your callers, but I haven't yet.
And how his uncle did it, it's like, okay, you know, he brings his brother over, and they get, you know, go outside, do whatever they do, come back, and as they're coming back, that's when he goes, he calls his uncle Mama, and he says, Hey, Mama, where are you?
And he all of a sudden, this cream pie comes at him, and he's just laughing up a storm.
His brother is standing there absolutely horrified.
It would take a psychologist many years and I'm sure thousands and thousands of dollars to, in the end, get some answer, which probably wouldn't be true anyway, about why he wanted that pie in the face.
And but I tell you what, just within the week, driving past one public building, I saw a gentleman who in our age group, I'll put it that way, an older gentleman who was holding one of the flags that's folded in a triangle shape.
And let me tell you all that, again, I don't, there's not a lack of support from me for the flag-burning amendment.
I just think, and this lady's story really exemplifies why I say what I'm saying.
I don't think we need it.
There are things to concentrate on.
There will always be nerds who will burn the flag.
But, you know, the American people aren't going to tolerate that.
This is one of those situations that honestly will take care of itself.
I mean, there are a lot of Americans out there that, believe me, if they see some jerk burning our flag to insult our country, believe me, fists will meet noses and the situation will take care of itself.
And frankly, if it's come to the point where we need a special law to protect the flag and the people won't do it anymore, then I'm not sure what it means anymore anyway, if you follow me.
I'm almost wishing I was in Oklahoma City so I could tune into all your local TV newscasts and watch it all.
unidentified
Well, there are a lot of conflicting things, aren't there?
Yeah.
The other day when I called in and you had that mic on there, at the beginning of the broadcast, he said that he wanted to denounce anything said about McVay or the other guy speaking any languages.
And then he turned right around and I caught him when I sat there and said, I had witnessed it on a newscast here.
And then he goes, oh, oh, oh, I forgot about that.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I've been listening to you for about three years and learn a little at a time about you, and I think you should be really proud of your life.
So in other words, what you do is you take what I send you, you add tones, you add commercials at the breaks, you do all kinds of things for the stations that get the program out there, right?
And he's the only one that was not heard from on the tape for the very reason that many of us who work these hours in previous times have been ignored, even overlooked.
Because we work these hours while the rest of the world runs around like little chickens with their heads off.
That's from Salt Lake City, home of the Olympics, the Winter Olympics in 2002.
Very controversial.
There are people up, I hear, up in Salt Lake City signing petitions not wanting the Olympics, wanting to stop it.
Do you know why?
Because they feel it will change the very nature of Salt Lake City.
That more Californians, weird Californians with big money, will move in, boost up the rate of real estate, generally ruin the neighborhood, and generally ruin Utah.
And so there's a movement up there, I understand, that wants to stop the Olympics based on the fact that it'll bring unwanted growth.
The song that I've been using to represent the desert, generally I play it, you know, on Saturday mornings, just about now, or near now, is that Maria Moldauer song.
And you know the one I'm talking about, about the desert, midnight at the oasis, and all that.
It may well be that a good year for talk radio, or maybe for me personally, won't involve necessarily bad news, but a lot of times I do think that good talk, talk radio means bad news.
It's not a universal truth, but it's a partial truth.
And when there is division and there is controversy, it feeds talk radio.
Obviously, it feeds on it.
And so it is going to be a good year.
And I hope that doesn't mean that it's going to be a bad year from a difficult sense for America as a nation.
Yeah, I think the government, the country, is safer from government tyranny and foreign invasion with the militia, contrary to some judgmental, egotistical hypocrites who say different.
Well, that would be the basis of a whole show, whether or not America is better off with the militias, and maybe we'll pick up on exactly that theme next week.
That would make a good program.
Whether they really are better, more positive, or more negative with regard to America's future.
Did you see the hearings?
unidentified
No, I didn't, but I do know that they're not breaking any laws, and what I'm saying is based on that principle.
Well, yeah, but the warhead is a bad part of the missile.
unidentified
Well, yeah, I realize it's business end, you know.
I got you.
Well, you know, I mean, I've worked with a lot of people in the ranch and stuff, and they've like 80% of the pornography that comes in America comes out of San Francisco.
And I figure if there's any place that deserves a nuclear warhead, I mean, it's San Francisco.
I want to thank everybody at the network, everybody who has anything to do with the program, and as you heard earlier, if you were listening, they are a legion.
They're really, there's a whole bunch of people who make all of this possible.
And they sent me the birthday present of a lifetime.
I love my laptop.
Thank you.
And to my mom, my dad, Lynn, just everybody, Maria Muldauer, everybody who sent greetings, thank you.
Even those perverted individuals who sent the Gration Plus Geritol and Fixident.
There was some sort of decent thought behind it, I suppose.
Well, that'll be it.
I must go.
Clock says I've got to go.
Sunday with Dreamland, the human-reptilian connection.
You definitely don't want to miss that.
And we'll be back with a regular syndicated show Monday night, Tuesday morning.
And by then, with the pace of world events, anything could happen.