| Time | Text |
|---|---|
|
Tristan's Selfish Sandwich
00:06:10
|
|
| Everyone's on smoke today. | |
| Luke's a professional drifter, so... | |
| You don't even know who that is, you fucking yank. | |
| He's gonna hate everyone at this house. | |
| Nobody, nobody tell you. | |
| So Tristan fucked us. | |
| Tristan's selfish. | |
| Andrew got things. | |
| He got things for all of us. | |
| Loads. | |
| I went to the random Asians by the side of the road and ordered loads and loads and loads of food. | |
| So everyone had food. | |
| Tristan disappears and comes back with one Subway sandwich. | |
| Well aware that I had ordered food just to feed himself. | |
| He's selfish. | |
| He's selfish. | |
| And the Subway Sandwich looks good. | |
| He just ate it all. | |
| Why did you do that? | |
| You know, I don't like iServices. | |
| You can't just do that. | |
| Yeah. | |
| Why weren't you like, you know what, this subway sandwich that I'm really going to enjoy and I look forward to, I'd like to also give this to my brother and my cousin. | |
| I thought of you. | |
| Yeah. | |
| He thought about us when he got his order. | |
| He just got loads. | |
| He just got unlimited. | |
| Characteristically unandrew-like boat. | |
| Fuck. | |
| And what is today's biggest sucker on Tate Confidential? | |
| Just admit you're a selfish talk. | |
| Yeah, just admit you're selfish. | |
| Just admit it. | |
| I bought this for you. | |
| You didn't call me. | |
| No, because you don't have two. | |
| They're two separate sandwiches. | |
| You don't have two. | |
| Andrew, I bought this for you. | |
| And you've been calling me horrible names. | |
| So now I'm going to eat it. | |
| He didn't. | |
| He bought it for himself. | |
| He bought it for himself. | |
| I did it. | |
| Unless there are three sandwiches, one for each of us in this car. | |
| There are no three. | |
| There weren't three, were there? | |
| No. | |
| Yeah, there were. | |
| That's what I thought. | |
| Because they were both for you. | |
| So excited. | |
| Most excited man in the world. | |
| Mr. Happy. | |
| Channel for you. | |
| Ah, there he is. | |
| There he is. | |
| Chelford. | |
| You gonna do that? | |
| Hey Abro, how are you doing? | |
| Nice to meet you. | |
| What a favorite. | |
| What a pleasure. | |
| How are you doing? | |
| It's great. | |
| More than I've been doing. | |
| Looking forward to it. | |
| It's gonna be fine. | |
| Well, yeah, definitely. | |
| I'm not gonna be able to do that, but it's still gonna be fun. | |
| What's your idea? | |
| Business idea. | |
| You have a business idea. | |
| Yeah. | |
| I'm chewing gum and zinning at the same time. | |
| Okay. | |
| The gum's gonna be fine. | |
| Come inside. | |
| I mean, a little bit of warm-up. | |
| Ah, warm's fine. | |
| Yeah, warm fine. | |
| Do you have a cigarette? | |
| No. | |
| We have zinn. | |
| No problem. | |
| You're a better man than me. | |
| Back to my business idea. | |
| Where's the nearest cliff? | |
| I want you to flip it from there down the hill. | |
| No, I'm not gonna do that. | |
| We're doing conflicting ideas right now. | |
| He needs to drift or off the cliff. | |
| But for content, it'll be good content. | |
| If he chews the gum, it'd be a good adverb on the way down. | |
| Bailey filmed. | |
| Bailey jumps after the car. | |
| You can film him chewing the gum as he drifts off the cliff. | |
| There must be a cliff here. | |
| Bailey. | |
| None of this is. | |
| There must be a cliff where he drifts the car off the cliff. | |
| You know? | |
| This results in both of us dying. | |
| We get filthy. | |
| The cameraman never dies. | |
| That's not true, though. | |
| It is true. | |
| No, Luke, it is true. | |
| The cameraman never dies. | |
| Where's the cliff? | |
| Intermediate, and then we go forward for the high zone. | |
| Okay. | |
| So I would love you guys to, you know, test your boundaries. | |
| Love it. | |
| That'll be good fun. | |
| It's a lovely thing. | |
| Thank you. | |
| Let's do it. | |
| I've been watching you guys on the TV program and suddenly, oh, you're out of the TV. | |
| You're out of the mobile phone. | |
| We're here. | |
| Well, Luke's a professional drifter, so I'm not at all. | |
| There's no one who can drift like me. | |
| Fuck those guys. | |
| I think they're good. | |
| He said, I'll beat them all. | |
| They're nothing. | |
| They're scum. | |
| Luke was saying that the whole car ride down here. | |
| I wouldn't mind here. | |
| You already high-rated now. | |
| We didn't even see you now. | |
| Great button with a blood splash car. | |
| I'm just amazed by Tristan's do-rag. | |
| Yeah. | |
| That's the most black thing I've ever seen you do. | |
| You want Marcel here, Mom? | |
| I'm all that black. | |
| What are you talking about, Marcel? | |
| Yeah, I don't think I'll do a 10. | |
| I'm on Hendrick and go. | |
| I've been in four serious car crashes, and I have a pathological fear of driving fast on the passenger. | |
| But you know what? | |
| Luckily, we have Luke. | |
| Ah, Luke! | |
| Luke! | |
| There you go. | |
| Everything is on the shoulder, my boy. | |
| They're going to do a professional's full-speed dangerous run, and Tristan obviously was in car crashes, and I'm obviously the superstar. | |
| And if I died, the whole thing's over. | |
| You got all the points for it today. | |
| All the lines. | |
| Did they get you? | |
| They're professional drifters. | |
| I have zero problem with that. | |
| Nice. | |
| I have completely zero issues. | |
| I don't. | |
| You're lying to me. | |
| I don't have anything. | |
| Your cousin's holding out on the cigarettes. | |
| I'm not. | |
| Look, we're not poor anymore. | |
| You give me a cigarette for me. | |
| No. | |
| You know what, Tristan? | |
| Remember the Subway? | |
| You're not my own cousin. | |
| Do you remember the Subway? | |
| He's selfish. | |
| And the Subway Sanders looks good. | |
| He just ate it all. | |
| Haley, so what you don't realize is just before this, before you came, he ordered Subway. | |
| Well, guess who he ordered for? | |
| Let's know. | |
| Yeah. | |
| Because you know Tristan, don't you? | |
| You know who he is. | |
| And one other person. | |
| No, and he ate both of them. | |
| I did eat both. | |
| He ate both. | |
| Yes, I did eat both. | |
| They were both for him originally. | |
| They always were. | |
| If they were for someone else, wouldn't he get three? | |
| No, I didn't. | |
| One wasn't for you. | |
| Watch out for the cliffs. | |
| Watch out for the clutch. | |
| You don't even know what that is, you fucking yank. | |
| Cliffs. | |
| Yeah, watch out for the clutch. | |
| You don't even know what that is, you fucking yank. | |
| Clutch, clutch. | |
| You can't even drive a fucking manual. | |
| You're a dumb fucker. | |
| Andrew's gonna do shit. | |
| I'm gonna do better. | |
| Everyone's on smoke today. | |
| No idea. | |
| No idea. | |
| I see you got it. | |
| Not quite. | |
| *Squeak* | |
| Luke, Luke. | |
| Yeah? | |
| We're going off a cliff. | |
| No. | |
| No, there's no cliffs. | |
| Luke, we've had enough. | |
| No. | |
| Life's we're done with life. | |
| All right, what was your prediction? | |
| Luke. | |
| Yeah. | |
| Luke's alive. | |
|
Bluffing To The Edge
00:05:16
|
|
| Bailey, I really feel him in these cars. | |
| Shit. | |
| Luke stole my helmet. | |
| Shit. | |
| No, but they should have brought you a helmet for that. | |
| I stole Tristan's helmet. | |
| I'll admit it. | |
| He stole your sandwich. | |
| You stole his helmet. | |
| I don't know if you realize this. | |
| What? | |
| I've got nothing left to live for. | |
| That's not true. | |
| He has plenty of things to live for. | |
| He's lying. | |
| He's bluffing. | |
| Oh, yeah, I'm bluffing. | |
| You might not be bluffing. | |
| Get in. | |
| Luke, any last words? | |
| If I die, it was Tristan's fault. | |
| Is someone there? | |
| That's a better idea. | |
| I'm here, come on. | |
| No air con. | |
| But do you see the nerd over there with his camera? | |
| That's the guy to hit. | |
| Let's go straight into him. | |
| Try and first lull him into safety. | |
| Get him away from the tires. | |
| Away from the tire barrier. | |
| First, we got to show off. | |
| Get some good drifting going. | |
| Some donuts. | |
| Get Bailey nice and safe. | |
| Nice and comfortable. | |
| Nice. | |
| For the kill. | |
| Bailey thinks I'm dying, but he doesn't realize we're after him. | |
| Right? | |
| That's the actual plan, right? | |
| Absolutely. | |
| Coming for you, Bailey. | |
| Keep trying to take my job. | |
| Sorry. | |
| Come on. | |
| That's love speed. | |
| The faster you learn, the faster you earn. | |
| The right knowledge applied at the right time can change your life overnight. | |
| That's why, last week in the real world, we launched a brand new learning center built to keep you ahead no matter where you are in the world. | |
| 13,000 plus buttons, constantly updated. | |
| Available in 13 different languages. | |
| Spanish, Italian, Chinese, Arabic, and more. | |
| Master every money-making method with step-by-step guidance from millionaires. | |
| Learn strategies that work today, not last year. | |
| No outdated courses, no recycled content, and real proven knowledge. | |
| For the first time ever, the real world is fully global. | |
| No matter where you're from, nothing stands between you and success. | |
| I'm a fan of the idea of $1.00. | |
| I know the type of money. | |
| I'm a dollar. | |
| The real world ensures you have the most up-to-date ways to make money, and now it speaks your language. | |
| The knowledge is here. | |
| The professors are ready. | |
| The only thing missing is you. | |
| Join the real world today and start making money now. | |
| I'm happy to. | |
| Who's my passenger, Bailey? | |
| I'll be your passenger. | |
| This is hilarious because Luke's about to drive and Luke's American and Americans are never taught to drive ever because Americans are scum. | |
| It's true. | |
| So you don't even know how to drive a manual car. | |
| I'm gonna have to explain to you how to drive a manual car while you're also trying to drift, which means that when you stop drifting, unless you put the clutch in, you're going to stall. | |
| Okay, that doesn't mean anything to me. | |
| It does. | |
| The clutch is on the far left. | |
| These words don't mean anything to me. | |
| How do I learn to first? | |
| There we go. | |
| There you go. | |
| So now you can let go of the clutch. | |
| Better than Tristan. | |
| Yeah, better than Tristan, because he stole because he's a faggot. | |
| Good point. | |
| So that's the brain. | |
| Okay, these have these have to. | |
| Come on. | |
| Okay. | |
| So now, to drift. | |
| Now's the hard part. | |
| Now I have to learn how to drift. | |
| The first thing I have to do is get out of um Okay, so which way's the tire go? | |
| Which way is the steering wheel go? | |
| Ah, and you put the clutch in. | |
| Nice. | |
| Yeah, yeah. | |
| Good. | |
| So you're gonna go. | |
| No, I've got it. | |
| I've done these before. | |
| I've done these before. | |
| I've ridden bikes. | |
| So I get it. | |
| I get the whole clutch thing. | |
| Okay, that's good. | |
| Now I need to learn. | |
| Okay, so now it's the drifting part. | |
| So which way does the tire go? | |
| Okay, wait, so first I'm gonna start in the turn, and then I'm gonna lose it in the turn. | |
| You can. | |
| And then I have to change the... | |
| Got it. | |
| Okay. | |
| Leave the rest up to God. | |
| We're already in first. | |
| Yeah. | |
| No need for brakes. | |
| Full lock it right and I'll pump the thrall. | |
| Oh Off the cliff old friend! | |
| Pretty good! | |
| Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice! | |
| Nice! | |
| We found a few more than ever we want! | |
| Ah, but clutch. | |
| Forgot the clutch. | |
| Forgot the clutch. | |
| You almost were with somebody. | |
| Forgot the clutch. | |
| Alright, admit we didn't die. | |
| Yeah, you're not the suicidal one. | |
| This is the safest I'll ever be in a car, mate. | |
| You're driving. | |
| This can't be the safest I'll ever be in a car. | |
| I'm driving. | |
| Come on. | |
| Yeah, at the end I got it. | |
| Because you were on a trotter. | |
| At the beginning, you were not on a trotter. | |
| Wash off, wash off all the time. | |
| But at the end? | |
| At the end, I felt it. | |
| Something of not being able to drift. | |
| Bailey, how you feeling? | |
| Nah, Bailey, you could get it. | |
| You could do it. | |
| You can't drive a manual. | |
| No, but he can figure it out. | |
| I can't drive a manual. | |
| Andrew had to give me a tutorial while I was sitting in there, because I forgot. | |
| At least you didn't crash. | |
| I know. | |
| Kristen didn't crash. | |
|
Can't Beat Me!
00:03:09
|
|
| Remind me again. | |
| Who crashed? | |
| Who crashed? | |
| It wasn't Luke and it wasn't me. | |
| I didn't crash. | |
| I attacked the tires. | |
| Yeah. | |
| To be fair, Luke promised me if I was going to crash to hit you. | |
| I'm a ninja. | |
| You can't hit me. | |
| No, in fact, our plan, which you'll see because I recorded it, was to do really good donuts, to lull you into a sense of safety, to where you started to try and get closer to the car. | |
| If I'm not doing something which is either extremely difficult or extremely stressful, I'm in a perpetual state of crippling boredom. | |
| And if I don't fight, if I'm not in a situation where I'm stressed but worried or concerned, I'm just perpetually bored, boredom's crippling. | |
| If you're an intelligent person and you've got a good brain on your shoulders, you can't just sit there for it. | |
| I bet you did. | |
| No, I'm a sicker. | |
| No, you didn't do that purpose. | |
| He's an open tapping something. | |
| Don't watch his shot. | |
| I think no matter what happens in this game, we can agree that Marcel's losers. | |
| Marcel lost. | |
| Oh, we agree. | |
| Marcel lost. | |
| Marcel lost. | |
| You've got to be in it to it. | |
| Marcel's not playing. | |
| Exactly. | |
| You've got to be in a twinned night. | |
| You're playing the balls. | |
| You've got to play the white. | |
| Sick. | |
| Stupid isn't really. | |
| I hit it too hard. | |
| I hit it too hard. | |
| You know the problem with ball? | |
| It's fucking boring. | |
| It's not boring. | |
| You gotta take the fun shots. | |
| Shut up! | |
| I've got the pink and the brown left. | |
| It's something your mum won't first. | |
| Wait, wait, wait, I'm in. | |
| Those shoes are like automatic. | |
| I've got the man who wears Crocs. | |
| Crocs are allowed. | |
| Nice. | |
| So I get two shots now. | |
| This game would be easier if I was good. | |
| Sure. | |
| Doctor Man trial and good. | |
| Aw, fuck. | |
| You would have hit that a little bit more to the right if we're going in. | |
| Shut the fuck up! | |
| Awwww! | |
| Oh. | |
| Fuck this game. | |
| This game sucks. | |
| This joke goes back further than when I hit my board. | |
| People at home don't know. | |
| This joke is my shot. | |
| It's too funny. | |
| I can't wait this is over, so I have to never play again. | |
| You guys play cool, I'm going. | |
| No, I definitely don't. | |
| I definitely don't want to play. | |
| You just hit it and do it. | |
| Good shot. | |
| Follow them. | |
| So it's a draw. | |
| Don't shake my hand, listen. | |
| You called me out! | |
| Just because you can't beat me. | |
| Just because you can't beat me at home. | |
| Okay. | |
| Let me say. | |
| It's on camera. | |
| I've never lost. | |