| Time | Text |
|---|---|
|
Fucking Goat Dinner
00:14:22
|
|
| He's really starting to grow on me. | |
| It's like walking a dock. It's quite easy. | |
| Like, now he knows me. He just keeps up a long cycle. | |
| Gary, come on. Shaggy. | |
| Come on, Shaggy. See? | |
| I think everyone should have a pet goat. | |
| You know? Even the name goat is fucking cool, right? | |
| Because it means greatest of all time. | |
| So in my opinion, if you haven't got a go, go out and get one today. | |
| Come on, chap. | |
| Ooh, you're making me live. | |
| Whatever this world can give to me, It's you, you're all I see. | |
| Ooh, you're making me live now, honey. | |
| Ooh, you're making me live. | |
| Oh, you're the best friend that I ever had. | |
| I've been with you such a long time. | |
| This is where we do workouts, Cora. | |
| Get that fucking thing out of my face. | |
| No, no, he wants to see how we work out. | |
| He doesn't want to see anything. | |
| If he's going to live here, Tristan, we have to show him how we live. | |
| Sorry to interrupt your workout. | |
| Look, can you just... | |
| What is this? What is this? | |
| This is called a weight bar. | |
| So we go up and down. | |
| Alright? Can you stop eating the rope? | |
| Concentrate for a minute. Get that fucking goat out of my gym, or I'll fucking kill it. | |
| I'll kill and eat your pet for you. | |
| I don't give a shit. Get it out of my gym. | |
| Listen, he doesn't mean it, Shaq. | |
| I fucking do. Come on, Shaq, he doesn't mean it. | |
| See what I mean, baby? Live and let live. | |
| I'd never threaten to kill Trisky's pet. | |
| Come on, Shaq, let's go. | |
| What the fuck is wrong with that boy? | |
| He's 35 years of age. | |
| What is wrong with him? | |
| I think he's gonna grow on you. | |
| I'm gonna kill this fucking girl Turn around in the empty city, turn around in the empty | |
| city, turn around in the empty city, he makes me turn around in the empty city, turn around in the empty city, | |
| turn around in the empty city, he makes me turn around. | |
| I'm gonna kill this fucking girl. | |
| Oh, he's dead. | |
| Yeah, he's dead. | |
| Tristan, what have you done? | |
| T. Training. | |
| T, there's a goat roasting outside. | |
| Is that Rory's goat, T? Did you see any other goats in the house? | |
| It's the only goat I've seen. | |
| I told him. Goat's shit on my floor. | |
| He put it in my fucking cars. | |
| Slumbered over my ass in seats. | |
| Fuck Rory. Fuck Rory's goat. | |
| Tristan's gonna be devastated. | |
| I don't give a shit. Can't keep a goat here. | |
| Go to one reason and one reason only. | |
| Today Shaggy's going to fulfill his destiny. | |
| We're going to eat him. I'm going to eat him, yeah. | |
| I told him I'd eat his fucking goat. | |
| You did tell him. | |
| You warned them. | |
| I made good on my promises and my threats. | |
| Hello Roy. | |
| Hey DJ. | |
| How are you today? | |
| Are you fucking kidding me? Fuck, no way. | |
| Rory. Has he cooked my fucking goat? | |
| Rory. Has he cooked fucking Shaggy, bro? | |
| I'm sorry, Rory. Hey, is that goat? | |
| It's goat? This, this is a goat? | |
| Yes. Oh my fucking goat. | |
| Is this Tristan's idea? Fuck! | |
| Rory, I'm sorry. Bro! | |
| Rory! Did you know about this? | |
| No comment. Where is he? | |
| A few moments later... | |
| Rory called the cops on Tristan for being a meanie. | |
| Yeah, that's right. Because Tristan killed his goat. | |
| Tristan is a meanie. Yeah. | |
| If I go back to jail, could you call the cops? | |
| Well, I mean... Told them everything you've done, mate. | |
| You know? Cold-blooded murder. | |
| Very selfish. We had a whole game of UNO set up for tonight. | |
| You're boohooing because Tristan killed a goat that we can all eat. | |
| Exactly. Well, it's just the way it goes, mate. | |
| Seven years for killing the goat. | |
| Nice. Now they're here. | |
| There's a laundry going on. Shit. | |
| Hope Greta Thunberg shows up. | |
| Shit. Tristan, I'm sorry. Roy, it's all your fault. | |
| Shit. Sorry. We're not mafia though! | |
| We just basically look like them. | |
| We look exactly like a crime man. | |
| Yeah. And people are like, it must be. | |
| They're big and strong and they have all these hot women, all these fast cars, all these armed guards. | |
| Ratchet's really nice. You wish you'd been to jail. | |
| No, I don't wish I wasn't going to jail. | |
| I wish I was going to jail. You think I want to hang out with fucking Rory and have whiskeys? | |
| No way. He's coming in now. | |
| Take me to jail. We go to jail. | |
| We can eat the pig. There we go. | |
| Speak for yourself, I'm having to go. | |
| Nice. That would be a useless sacrifice of a good goat. | |
| You know, I'd be way better for my liver if Tristan goes to jail. | |
| Yeah, because if not, it's St. | |
| Patrick's Day, bro. And he's already talking about getting the whiskeys out, right? | |
| I've been avoiding this. I can't believe he's fucking Irish. | |
| His granddad's Irish. | |
| That's enough. He's not even Irish. | |
| Good. Right. That's how I'm gonna do it. | |
| So then you're next to just control the thing. | |
| I want to make this window. | |
| But where? | |
| I want to make this window. | |
| So now let's see if fucking Rory can go. | |
| No. | |
| No do. That sucks. | |
| No do. | |
| Rory, don't be like that. | |
| Come on, let's eat, bro. | |
| Yeah, exactly. | |
| Come and eat with us. You eat goat all the time. | |
| You don't actually care. I buy dinner basically every single time. | |
| So you bought dinner for once. | |
| We're all thankful. Thank you, Rory. | |
| Thank you, Rory. We were just beginning to get close. | |
| Don't feel bad. | |
| You're lucky my mum didn't curry bear you. | |
| You're super lucky Nigel's mum was here. | |
| Yeah. Honestly though, Rory, this is one of the best dinners you've ever bought. | |
| I feel like he'll be part of you forever if you do. | |
| Come on, Rory. Fine, I'll eat some of Shaggy in his honor. | |
| Pass me a rib. I did tell you, when you showed me that goat, I said, what's G gonna do when you used to use the goat? | |
| You said G was ripping the fuck. | |
| Well, G's about to eat him, because whatever's left of Shaggy isn't going to G. Because G's a real pet, not some fucking stupid goat you managed to pick up from fuck knows where down the road, shitting all over my fucking house. | |
| Come on, there's no need to be like that. | |
| There is. Fuck your goat. | |
| Fuck your goat. | |
| He's slobbered over my Aston Martin seats. | |
| Why was there a goat slobber in my Aston Martin? | |
| Oh, I was showing him the cars. You haven't seen that. | |
| You didn't see that yet. I was showing him the cars. | |
| I was showing him around. I was trying to teach him tricks. | |
| I was trying to toilet train him, but you didn't give me enough fucking time and now look at him. | |
| This is what he's good for. He would have wanted it this way. | |
| I don't think he would, Tristan. | |
| I don't think he would. Just try some. | |
| Just try some. Alright, fine. | |
| Let me try some shaggy. | |
| What should I have? | |
| Is that a rib? Bro, take a bite. | |
| Worth every penny, worry. He does taste good. | |
| Alright Shaggy, I'm gonna eat you in your honour. | |
| Good. Rory's sadness really complements this fine food. | |
| You can taste his misery. | |
| My misery tastes good, does it? | |
| It tastes absolutely awesome. Yeah, you bunch of fuckers. | |
| You know what? He does taste fucking good though, I'll be honest. | |
| Why did you bring a goat into this house and think I wasn't going to eat it? | |
| Because I just felt like we needed a new pet and I was spicing things up a bit, you know? | |
| Take the edge off, mix things up. | |
| What are you bringing next? | |
| Lamb, pig, rabbit, overeating. | |
| I actually did have a plan, but now I'm starting to think twice. | |
| Horse? Camel. | |
| Oh, you think I've never eaten a camel before? | |
| You'll eat my camel? I will eat your camel. | |
| A million percent. I'm at a lose-lose here. | |
| There's no point in me bringing any more pets into the house, is there? | |
| Well, I don't mind. | |
| It says on the food bill. | |
| But you hired one of the best chefs as well. | |
| I've noticed that. Well, I mean, don't I hire the best chefs every day? | |
| You think this is in tribute to your stupid fucking pet? | |
| Because it isn't. I don't give a shit about Shaggy. | |
| But I order the best chefs to cook my food every single day because I'm fucking rich, Rory. | |
| Yeah, well, I just felt like he was a waste of money in the end because... | |
| Look what's fucking happened to him. | |
| And I was literally just starting to teach him things. | |
| He was starting to learn. You can buy dinner for once. | |
| It's fair. You've never bought dinner since you came here. | |
| So finally you provided the meal. | |
| We appreciate it, Rory. Are you thankful, guys? | |
| Is everyone thankful? No. | |
| Goats are demonic. Delicious and demonic. | |
| Nice. Okay. | |
| Yeah, good suck. Good suck. | |
| I'm saying I would have eaten something better, so you kind of spoiled dinner tonight for us. | |
| We've settled for this, because it's what you bought. | |
| You did the grocery shopping. | |
| Alright, fair enough. I can own that. | |
| I can own that. So, I got you all a shit dinner, is that what you're saying? | |
| Basically, yeah. I'd be eating better somewhere else if you didn't bring this stupid meat into the house. | |
| Well, I mean, he's here now, so let's eat him and get rid of him and Jake and eat what's left. | |
| Is that more shaggy? | |
| He was a big goat, bro. | |
| Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of meat, right? | |
| It was a huge goat. | |
| Yeah. There's a lot of food. | |
| It was also a huge part of my life. | |
| You didn't account for that, did you, Tristan? | |
| You know, I'm not even that hungry, so... | |
| Not even that hungry. | |
| I organize the butcher, the slaughter, the chefs, everything. | |
| I'm honestly not even hungry. | |
| A few moments later... | |
| It's all for you. Bailey. | |
| I mean, you can't not have a Guinness at St. | |
| Patrick's today, right? St. Patrick's today. | |
| Where's that fuck Patrista? You killed my goat. | |
| And now I need Guinness revenge. | |
| We are celebrating with Guinness. | |
| Let's go have some beer, Alex. | |
| Let's go! Let's go! | |
| I love beer! | |
| Thank you, Guinnesses baby. I think that's a good start. | |
| Good warm up. Good first round. | |
| Me and Trist will do 50 each, so, you know, I think we could start slow. | |
| Well, Alex did tell you you need a beer. | |
| I'm so confused. | |
| Smooth. | |
| Nicely done. | |
| Alex, you need a beer. | |
| Let's do it. The sign does say, my doctor says I need a beer. | |
| Oh, sorry. You're getting 20? | |
| Yeah. What's for you? | |
| St. Patrick's sandwich. Oh, okay. | |
| Cool. Let's do this again. | |
| Drinking it already, T. Sorry. | |
| Justin, are you in? Someone pass me a beer, please. | |
| Don't leave me hanging. Happy St. | |
| Patrick's Day, gentlemen. Happy St. Patrick's Day. | |
| Cheers. Cheers. Oh, we're pounding it. | |
| Are we playing this game? | |
| I'm not playing this game. | |
| I know this game. First night I'm here. | |
| Every time I'm here. Don't laugh. | |
| I know what you're laughing at. Just one. | |
| He laughs because he gets no beef. | |
| Nobody calls him gay. | |
| I quit. Call me gay. | |
| I've quit. For religious reasons, Andrew doesn't drink. | |
| So he just finishes one. But we drink religiously. | |
| No. You're delusional. | |
| That's not how this works, Nigel. | |
| You know better. That's not how this works. | |
| You pound this beer and 30 seconds later there'll be another beer. | |
| They're already loading the beers! | |
| I'm not going to do next one. | |
| Not like that. No, no, but you could do this one like that. | |
| I'll do this one. Look at them. | |
| Have some respect for your Irish ancestors. | |
| According to the BBC, people who look like you were the founding fathers of Iron Man. So... | |
| What? | |
| That's not allowed, sir. | |
| Here's fucking go. | |
| Nice! Listen, as a ginger, even though you're not Irish, you should embrace your ginger heritage. | |
| How do you know? I'm not Irish. | |
| Bro, to be fair, you probably are. | |
|
Rocking Tomorrow's Coffee
00:06:30
|
|
| At some point you probably love, bro. | |
| With the red hair? I'm pretty sure if I went to 23andMe, it would just say, white trash. | |
| Trailer Park. Trailer Park. | |
| Are we doing this for real? | |
| Every time. First night. | |
| Now it's civilized. This might be the most casual thing we've done. | |
| No, no, no. Now it's civilized. | |
| This is a fake out, watch this. | |
| No, it's acting up, we're acting. | |
| Meanwhile... | |
| I'm not neck and tennis with you guys. | |
| Hold on, the real Irishman needs to sit down. | |
| But look, there's good iron levels in this shit. | |
| Load up. Yeah, that's the proof. | |
| What are you gonna do? | |
| Might have a sparkling water. | |
| Maybe a coffee, if I'm feeling adventurous. | |
| But not an Irish coffee, just a normal one. | |
| I'm so disappointed behind this camera. | |
| I'm not doing this shit. | |
| What do you mean? I refuse. | |
| No, every time I come here, the first night, I get so shithoused that I don't come out for the whole next day. | |
| It's all LL Cool J's fault. | |
| We'll keep it civilized. Well, if you want to be gay tomorrow and sleep, that's not my fault. | |
| Let's ask the Irishman. Bro, look at that. | |
| I'm done, I'm done. | |
| Keep them coming! I'll tell you exactly what's about to happen. | |
| I'm going to say, hey Tristan, I don't think it's a good idea that I get turbo shitfaced because I'm only here for a couple of days and came to see you and he's going to say, okay. | |
| And at first, he's just going to call me a pussy. | |
| But then, he's going to be like, you know what? | |
| I thought I had a friend. | |
| He's going to tug at my fucking heartstrings and then I'm going to threaten to go sit by Andrew. | |
| Andrew's going to laugh the whole fucking time. | |
| But with Andrew... I am actually not a pussy, so I'm going to drink, not because he's pulling my heart strings, but because he called me a pussy. | |
| What's that? No, no, no. To be fair, I actually can see. | |
| You made it very clear. You've got a podcast in the morning tomorrow, yeah? | |
| Yeah. And business is business, and I don't come between a man and his business ever. | |
| I still didn't realize this was a business trip. | |
| I thought you were coming to see your friends. I told you. | |
| Oh, so it's the business trip. | |
| That's cool, bro. Just sleep in my house and shit and conduct your business. | |
| Cool. I thought, you know, I thought my friend Justin was coming to see me. | |
| Turns out Rory's business partners in town, everyone. | |
| We can't drink! Watch out! | |
| Rory's business partners in town! | |
| Bailey, Bailey, let me explain something to you. | |
| This is how this generally goes. | |
| Yee-haw! There he is! | |
| There he is! There's the Justin I know a lot of! | |
| Works every time! | |
| Works every time! It actually does. | |
| It's complete horseshit. I should have never shown up. | |
| Should have never came. Then Andrew just sits there and laughs the whole fucking time. | |
| You can't argue with these motherfuckers. | |
| They've been in court for a year. Let's go out of jail four days ago. | |
| Justin, I got out of jail for you so you could come see me. | |
| Right, right. That would have been next. | |
| Oh, it's all coming. | |
| One of my favorite things to do is get downed. | |
| Let's say I got the first eight and it's a bad day. | |
| I got one of Tristan's. | |
| I love this. | |
| I got that TT. | |
| Magic. | |
| You know what I mean? | |
| That's number four. | |
| And he put it down in your face. | |
| And he put it down in your face. | |
| I'd like to say I'm above this. | |
| What are we doing bro? | |
| Oh no! | |
| Oh no! | |
| This guy don't worry. Not a lot. | |
| Not a lot. You say it's his and my mate. | |
| What are you saying? Number three? | |
| It'll be fair enough that you can't participate. | |
| Yeah, number three. I'm trying to wait for you guys and have a nice civilized time. | |
| Before we push the pace, then I'll follow and I'll drag you guys forward. | |
| One of the strong stuff. | |
| Cappuccino. Like having a coffee with my friends. | |
| Might wash it down with some sparkling water. | |
| Two years, not a drop. | |
| Not a drop. Can't be tempted. | |
| Don't want it. I know you miss it. | |
| Not at all. I'm on a different spiritual plane. | |
| Tapped into a higher reality. | |
| I find my happiness and peace. | |
| My whole life is chaos. When your life is boring, you want chaos. | |
| But when your life is chaos, you want peace. | |
| There's no more beautiful feeling than boredom. | |
| For me to wake up and go, I'm bored and I have nothing to do. | |
| That's amazing. I don't want to fill it with madness. | |
| The police have already arrested me. | |
| Bitches are crying. Kid here, kid there. | |
| Bills to pay. Ferraris, Lamborghinis. | |
| Nope. Coffee. | |
| Nice boring night. | |
| Cheers! Can't wait to watch Netflix and go to bed. | |
| It's going to be great. Who's your mate? | |
| Who? Your mate? It's your mate. | |
| No, it's your mate. It's your mate. | |
| That sounds great, Andrew. | |
| I'll drink with Tristan. I have no idea what to talk about. | |
| I'm telling you what's going to happen now. | |
| You're going to finish these pints. Another round of pints are going to come. | |
| Then they're going to say, whiskey's Irish. | |
| And they're going to start doing Irish whiskey. | |
| Become intolerable and annoying. I'm going to drive off at my Aston Martin. | |
| They're going to sit here thinking they're geniuses. | |
| It's 9.30. By 10.45 we're all going to be hammered drunk. | |
| They're going to come home around 11 and start screaming and singing songs and knocking on my door. | |
| I'll end up going to a hotel to sleep and leave them. | |
| And tomorrow morning... They're not going to be half as enthusiastic as they are right now. | |
| When Irishmen are proud and glad of the land where they were born | |
| Oh son, I see that men read too, upon this day When I was just a lad like you, I joined the IRA | |
| Up the rock, get up the rock, get up the rock, get up the rock | |
| We're on the road again, to the place we all belong Try to read on the wall, the pure, you know, and soulful | |
|
Half a Step Ahead
00:02:18
|
|
| signs On the hill, on the beach, on the phone | |
| The boys of the old brigade I'm quite a little bit late, I'm half a step ahead | |
| But I hope you take your first breath, something that you never made | |
| Once you're in the city, you'll believe it I'm quite a little bit late, I'm half a step ahead | |
| But I hope you take your first breath, something that you never made | |
| Once you're in the city, you'll believe it tip at the box yeah | |
| Thank you. You know what? | |
| All I got. All I got. | |
| Thank you. Thank you. Happy San Francisco Day. | |
| Thank you. | |
| No! The fucking ball! | |
| You're wasting time. | |
| You have 19-year-olds making millions while you're busy playing video games. | |
| Traditional education is too slow. | |
| You need to take life seriously now. | |
| Right now, I'm currently 2K to 2.5 to 3K a week. | |
| I mean, I'm only 19 years old. | |
| I show my parents, like, oh, this is how much I'm making. | |
| Like, I don't really need to go to college. | |
| They saw the paycheck and whatever he's doing is working. | |
| I'm 13 years old and I've made approximately $10,000. | |
| New lectures daily on the new cutting-edge technologies and business practices. | |
| All on a world-class custom application. | |
| Hustlers University is the most up-to-date financial, educational platform on earth. | |
| And you get to choose your weapon. | |
| Artificial intelligence. Copywriting. | |
| E-commerce. Client acquisition and more with unrivaled student success. | |
| 20 to 22,000 a month. | |
| 500 pound a week to build it in 60 days a 60 grand revenue business. | |
| You can learn from literal millionaires how they made money and they teach you how to do it. | |
| $4,000 in four days. | |
| Unbelievable. Endless ways to make money. | |
| I've done just over like 160k revenue now, six months later. | |
| By the time you're done with it, you can be out in the ocean selling fish water. | |
| Join the fight against slavery. | |