| Time | Text |
|---|---|
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Worst Booze Joke
00:01:33
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|
| What time does yours say? | |
| Mine's set wrong, no doubt. | |
| No, mine's ten minutes past eight. | |
| You know what Pooset is, don't you? | |
| My favorite, the Palenka. | |
| That is definitely Palenka. | |
| I might have to drive today. | |
| It's a bad idea. Nice. | |
| No, it's horrible. I'd rather eat the cup. | |
| That's the worst booze on the planet. | |
| No, I saw the cups. | |
| Palenka may be the worst booze on the planet. | |
| It might be the worst booze on the planet. | |
| But somehow, it becomes a joke when you're in the Romanian villages and you always end up drinking it. | |
| It is funny. Because I hate this shit. | |
| I truly do. Really? | |
| It's like with beer or wine. | |
| You just need to find the right wine. | |
| What'd you say, bro? Oh, you don't know the code. | |
| Yeehaw. Pour the shit. | |
| Get the fuck out of here. He doesn't give a shit. | |
| I don't give a fuck. He's not complaining that he hates it. | |
| He's just making it as a matter of fact. | |
| He's just saying it's disgusting. And you know what I will say? | |
| I've lived in Romania eight years now. | |
| I've drank a lot of Palenka. I will say that it doesn't grow on you. | |
| Whiskey grows on you. Like, I like the taste of whiskey. | |
| Yeah, acquired. Palinka is not the acquired taste. | |
| It always tastes like this. | |
| Absolute trash. Cheers, bro. You know what? | |
| Cheers. That horse's ass smells better than this alcohol. | |
|
Good Morning, Two Shots of Palenka
00:02:32
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|
| Wow. Nobody else? | |
| All right, we'll get fishin' out the first one. | |
| Whoa! I'm needing Jesus this morning, bro. | |
| We're going to church drinking palenka. | |
| So, this is the Romanian way. | |
| Yeah. Don't shit on my traditions, you American scum. | |
| Village practice. | |
| Palenka church. Village practice. | |
| No, that is actually how they do it. | |
| 🎵 Bailey, you've missed out. | |
| In this perfect setting, I'm telling you, two shots of Palenka hits. | |
| I don't want any more Palenka. | |
| It's 9 o'clock in the morning. | |
| But two shots of Palenka gives you a nice morning buzz. | |
| You're missing out. T, absolutely not. | |
| No way. No, Justin, no, no. | |
| I'm not having Palenka. | |
| I said two shots! | |
| Three is the lucky number, guys. | |
| Good morning. Two shots of Palenka. | |
| Good morning. This is fucking horrible. | |
| The donkey quit on us. | |
| And he left with the fucking Palenka. | |
| And we're in the middle of some field. | |
| No, fuck that. I'm getting the Palenka. | |
| What do you mean? | |
| That's the least of our warriors. | |
| We're in the middle of nowhere. If we're going to sit out here in the middle of nowhere... | |
| Now hear me out. With my security guards, there's two seats in that car. | |
| And there's six men here. | |
| So, you guys all fight to death for the extra seat. | |
| The guy with the gun is definitely winning. | |
| Bailey, you're going to have to sit in somebody's lap. | |
| And that's Alex. Come on, Bailey. | |
| Let's go! Nice. | |
|
Marcel's Gambit
00:11:13
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|
| Nice. How much? | |
| One bullet. One bullet. | |
| Bulletproof is here. | |
| Now we're talking. | |
| Hey, hey, hey. | |
| Now we're talking. | |
| Now we're talking. | |
| Well, the thing is, you know, lots of billionaires have private planes and all that kind of stuff, | |
| the fancy supercars, the big guys, and as a billionaire I thought I'd up the game a little bit. | |
| So I now take private trains everywhere. | |
| There's no guests on this train. | |
| It's just me and my people. My train. | |
| That's how I roll. I'm Romanian now. | |
| Would she like one? | |
| I asked her and she said, what is it? | |
| Six, please. Not five. | |
| T, no one wants palinka. | |
| Absolutely no one. Where are we? | |
| We're in Romania. In a traditional... | |
| I don't know. | |
| Romanian restaurant. Okay. | |
| What's your point? He's trying to upset me with hot chocolate, so I'm switching it back to Romanian. | |
| Marcel, what have you done? A nice, calming, soothing twist in Romania. | |
| Yeah, he agrees with me. What did I say? | |
| What did he say? Fucking no, bro. | |
| Does anyone know? You have to say, yes, this is it. | |
| This is it, like Michael Jackson's last score. | |
| Some make it like 60, 70 degrees. | |
| Those are strong. This is like 50, 55. | |
| Marcel, I was super cold before I drank that. | |
| Now I feel really warm, so... | |
| It's your booze blanket. | |
| We make it from our apples. It's apples. | |
| Great. It's disgusting as well. | |
| Everything's gross. Yeah, from the grown man that wore hot chocolate. | |
| You okay with that? | |
| It is what it is. | |
| I hear it. It's remaining. | |
| I can't see Tristan is like the zoo similar | |
| Civilization II. So when you'd start off, you had your little civilization and you didn't want to go to war because your army wasn't that big. | |
| So you could do trade deals or do peace deals with people. | |
| So I'd do peace deals with like the French and the English and the Vatican because you had a peace and you could not worry about that border. | |
| If they start getting mad at you, they'd send their emissary and their emissary would be like, we are a little unhappy with our trade agreement. | |
| And you knew in the next couple turns they were going to attack and you could be prepared for it. | |
| You do peace deals with them. You never did peace deals with the Zulu. | |
| Because the Zulu would say whatever they wanted. | |
| It's fine, yeah, we're great. | |
| And then the next minute they invaded your whole border. | |
| Without warning, without an emissary, in the game. | |
| Zulus were uninteresting. | |
| You couldn't do these games. Of all games I've ever been interested in playing, that would be the most interesting. | |
| Interesting. Don't do deals with Tristan. | |
| He said just that. Interesting. | |
| He's the Zulu. This is how it goes. | |
| Marcella stuff. Fall into the trap. | |
| You should just go to war with them instantly and annihilate them because there's no point. | |
| Good luck. So, what's good? | |
| It was absolutely wonderful. | |
| Thank you. You better hope and pray. | |
| Because if he finds out what you said about him, I'm not, listen, you've been my friend for a long time, but I'm not looking to get to a fight where I'm definitely going to die alongside you. | |
| Normally I would, against any other man. | |
| If anyone else came for you, I'd die with you. | |
| Road dogs for life, day one. | |
| But when Ted... | |
| You better hope and pray. | |
| My gut tells me that buying windshield wiper fluid from the gas station is not a good idea. | |
| Why? I don't know. | |
| It's a Romanian gas station. | |
| There's no way it's a good idea. It's supposed to be acid, is it? | |
| Romanians are cheap. At worst case, it's just going to be plain water. | |
| Lying to be something else. | |
| They're not going to make it anything more dangerous or better than what it's supposed to be. | |
| I just clean my own windscreen. | |
| You see that? People think I'm not a man of the people. | |
| They go, oh, he's a billionaire. Must live this privileged life. | |
| I clean my own windscreen sometimes on my one of 200 Audi, Audi, Kia, RS7, one of my 54 supercars. | |
| I'm a man of the people. Yeah, but fire's warm. It's very cold. | |
| It's very cold. So I need to make a very big fire? | |
| There is no size of fire at which I will look and say, that fire's too big. | |
| Someone might get burned. | |
| Tristan might get burned. | |
| I think I'll give a solitary fuck. | |
| I am the fire. I will build the fire so large that our problem is only that we are too long. | |
| Too hot. Maybe dead. | |
| There's a lot of trees around here. | |
| Have you noticed on the way in? Plenty of wood. | |
| Also, we've got enough ice to put the shit out in here. | |
| That's right. Me and Marcel, we've got ice, so it's fine. | |
| You know, if there's any problems. Can we see your one? | |
| I don't like either. I don't like either. I have to avoid drinking. | |
| The saxophone made one, and it's interesting. | |
| Do you have the enchanted amulet? | |
| Yeah, I do. Has first seen it yet? | |
| I have not. Maybe if you display the enchanted amulet, he'll understand why you can't drink. | |
| He's scared to hug his necklace all night. | |
| See, that's how you know he didn't go to the mage. | |
| Sorry. Sorry, bro. | |
| You don't get it. It's cool. | |
| You're just scared to have a drink. Did you go to the Encharting Forest? | |
| Yes, I did. Did you find it? | |
| The Saxophone mage. And then did you go to the merchant? | |
| Yes. And get the oracle? | |
| Yes. I did all those things. | |
| No, you didn't. I put him there. | |
| Where's your holy point, sir? | |
| Lichtenstein Castle, where the elves hum at me from the forest. | |
| I have more experience with these things than you. | |
| I have more experience with mystic forest creatures than you do. | |
| And you dare sit here next to me? | |
| Because you're too scared to have a sip of beer? | |
| I need to see your... | |
| Where's your amulet? Used to be a somebody, Marcel. | |
| Used to be a contender, Marcel. | |
| You were once a name to be feared. | |
| Oh, Marcel's coming out. Shit, Marcel. | |
| He's gonna have to pace. Everyone's gonna have to fucking get on their game. | |
| Stage one. Attack's the ego. | |
| Sorry. Cheers, Marcel. | |
| We just did a happy family cheers. | |
| Come on, drink with us. She's already done! | |
| Marcel, why would you insult Justin's wife? | |
| Of all the things, first my sister, then his wife. | |
| The ultimate insult. | |
| Let's go. | |
| Marcel. Drink yours and show me how it's done. | |
| I will, but... | |
| Let's go, Marcel. | |
| That's perfect. You look like a gnome. | |
| I'm actually refusing today. No. | |
| No. That's creepy. | |
| First full baby. To being real men, baby. | |
| First full baby, that's your first one. | |
| Third. It's my third! | |
| It is, 100%. Me and him did one before you, but you started in your room. | |
| Then we did the once again, then we did that one. | |
| No. You said one, I'm sticking to one. | |
| I didn't say one. Juice. | |
| It's juice. I cannot drink it, Twister. | |
| I cannot drink it. You have to drink yours of ourselves. | |
| You have to drink yours anyway. Super easy. | |
| I'm not even saying this. I'm saying to you as a non-drinker. | |
| It's easy. It's like juice. | |
| It's like juice. It's actually like juice, bro. | |
| It's easy. I would admire you. | |
| Give me a sec. | |
| I will take another one of these. | |
| I will take another one of these for you to drink that. | |
| Deal? No. He'll drink another one of them if you drink that. | |
| That sounds quite a good deal. | |
| Very good deal. I'm not sure who's going to drink with him. | |
| We'll work that out later. It's super easy. | |
| That's juice. Bro, you're right. | |
| You're right about Marcel. People do change. | |
| People just... I know. They're just... | |
| He spread his wings. | |
| He flew away. He moved on. | |
| Yeah, he's just too good for guys like us. | |
| You want to sit around and drink for that good old time with your buddies, you know? | |
| He's done. He's done. See? | |
| It's like juice. Done. | |
| You know what? | |
| I think we should legitimately let him off the hook. | |
| Bro, I feel like I'm actually going to throw up. | |
| Wait. That would be gay. | |
| You don't want to catch AIDS, do you? | |
| Yeah, can't catch AIDS. Bro, I thought you were going to back me there. | |
| I was so sure you had one back. | |
| Alright. I forget my friends. | |
| We're not your friends! | |
| We all lied about it being freezing cold. | |
| You're liars and charlatans. | |
| They told me this little sob story. | |
| It's cold outside! And then something about being gay. | |
| Something about gay bar. And then here we are, and I'm perfectly fine. | |
| See this? You can't even see his fucking face. | |
| Of course you can! Out here looking like Sub-Zero. | |