| Time | Text |
|---|---|
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Andrew's Pagani Penthouse Needs Designing
00:07:53
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|
| I want both Bailey and Tristan to know, officially on camera, completely unrelated to these protein I hate both of you. Good, you mean Bailey poisoning the protein pancakes? | |
| No, I just genuinely... | |
| There's nothing to do with these pancakes. | |
| It's not even related. The scene doesn't even make sense. | |
| I want you to know that I actually hate you, and I actually hate you. | |
| Thanks. I hate both of you. | |
| You're one of our best friends, Andrew. | |
| No, I hate both of you. We love you and care about you. | |
| Fuck off. I don't know. | |
| I remember like two years ago when... | |
| No, you weren't even there. I went with your cousin to look at the Pagani penthouse. | |
| Where are we? Did you ask the time? | |
| No, I asked where are we. | |
| Oh, Pagani. What do you mean Pagani? | |
| Well, we don't have the Pagani yet, but... | |
| So I thought, don't really need a Pagani house. | |
| Sorry. Wait, a Pagani? | |
| Yeah. What do you mean? That's what I mean. | |
| So I thought, we don't have the Pagani yet. | |
| Don't really need a Pagani car. | |
| And maybe I should get Pagani house. | |
| What? Pagani apartment. | |
| So it's all finished because you get to decide exactly what we want. | |
| We've got our main man here, security, keeping us safe. | |
| The big G. So basically what I'm thinking is... | |
| What do you mean? What are you doing? | |
| What is this? It's like the most prestigious building. | |
| It's going to be the most prestigious penthouse, one of one, in Dubai. | |
| Because we have the Bugatti, so I decided I didn't need a Pagani, but I need something Pagani. | |
| So I've got a Pagani penthouse in Dubai, which costs much more than a Pagani car. | |
| Like, I know right now you're looking at it going, what is this? | |
| But when it's done with Pagani furniture, imagine, couch, hoax. | |
| Okay. Couch, hoax. | |
| Okay. | |
| A pool, indoor war hose. | |
| A chair, ho. | |
| Okay. | |
| A hole in the floor, next, just on the floor. | |
| A floor hoe. | |
| Floor hoe. | |
| Floor hoe. | |
| Floor hose? | |
| Floor hoe! | |
| We got hooks from the ceiling, and hoes can attach themselves by harnesses into a canyon. | |
| Sky hose. | |
| Sky hose! | |
| Okay. | |
| Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. And now they're finishing the insides and we have to design it. | |
| So we've got a fucking designer at 26 million dollar penthouse. | |
| Now we look like a designer to you. | |
| I know it's long. Life's so hard. | |
| I'm getting sick of this shit. Fuck can I? Come out of jail. | |
| Everything's good in jail. No one stresses me. | |
| I leave jail. Andrew, come get your room act. | |
| Andrew, your yes-go attack is ready. | |
| Andrew, your Pagani penthouse needs designing. | |
| Let's just fuck off. Let's not go back. | |
| Tristan, let's just quit. | |
| Let's go back to jail. Potato soup, cigarettes, push-ups. | |
| Life was simpler. Simpler times. | |
| All this bullshit there has to be. | |
| Andrew, Mr. | |
| Tate, we've given you the best penthouse in Dubai. | |
| You need to know what you want inside. | |
| If I don't fucking care, then I give a fuck! | |
| Yeah, it doesn't matter, does it? | |
| It's not going to be shit, is it? | |
| People at home think they've got stress. | |
| It's probably me. Yeah. | |
| Right, so... | |
| What I say we do is... | |
| Many thousands of square footage. | |
| Plus the glass dome, which is 90 meters high. | |
| Then we go to the globe. | |
| What do you mean the glo-? See what I'm saying? | |
| We're going to get like- What is this? | |
| I'm a new designer, and we're going to say, look, make my globe cool. | |
| It's got to have all lights and shit. | |
| The globe! The globe hoes! | |
| Globe hoes! Globe hoes! | |
| We can make it like a world, and we can start like from South America to all the way around to Russia to the Chinese region. | |
| Okay! Yeah, the globe house! | |
| What I think we do is we just make a list of all the rooms we want and then we send it to them and they have to do the floor layout and then they'll do a design based on like the walls will be made of carbon fiber and leather it's gonna match Pagani and then we'll get a matching Pagani car so the interior matches to the penthouse and then we can basically never use it and just Okay, smart. Not care about it. | |
| Smart. Super smart. | |
| I like it. So you have a list of rooms we need. | |
| What rooms do we need? | |
| Give me a bedroom, and I'm done. | |
| Well, we paid top dollar, so... | |
| We need a cigar lounge. | |
| Agreed. We're currently in the cigar lounge. | |
| Where are we going to design other penthouses when we're in the penthouse? | |
| We need a cigar lounge. | |
| Yeah, makes sense. | |
| Cigar. | |
| Pubcast Studio. | |
| Yeah, maybe one of them. Also, even an office. | |
| There's like six workstations. | |
| Editors and stuff. Lame for us, man. | |
| Just for like people. Work with like big computers, not laptops. | |
| You'll spend all your time in there, though. | |
| You call me a workaholic. I'm saying that we need it to be more casual or you'll sit at your desk the entire time and never enjoy the penthouse. | |
| Make the podcast studio big enough so that one side of the room there can be Alright, cigar room, podcast slash office. | |
| We need a restaurant. | |
| Okay. Which we can keep staffed 24-7 with a menu. | |
| Yeah. And we can call it Top G's. | |
| And we can walk to Top G's and put up a menu and say, can I have this? | |
| And the chefs in our penthouse will run away and cook at our restaurant. | |
| Sounds good. The Big Dung. | |
| Let's keep that as a living room area. | |
| Alright, that's the lounge. Is that it? | |
| Are we done? A bunch of bedrooms. | |
| Do we need like a library or something? | |
| Do we need a library? Can't our cigar room incorporate a wall of library-ness? | |
| No, because they have to be separate rooms because the smoke will damage the books over the years. | |
| We missed the books. The 1860s Bible that you have. | |
| The 150-year-old Koran. | |
| I don't want smoke. The Koran, of course not. | |
| If you met a man from the 1860s who wrote that book and said, am I allowed to smoke in this book? | |
| He'd think you were a coward if you didn't. | |
| Fine. The nice Koran goes in your room, then. | |
| Of course. But normal books, non-holy books, you know, in the cigar lounge. | |
| Is that it? Now bedrooms? | |
| So, cigar lounge with one wall of library, yeah? | |
| I mean, library-ish. | |
| You know? One wall of books in the cigar lounge. | |
| Podcast studio slash office. | |
| Restaurant. Lounge. | |
| How many bedrooms do we need? | |
| How many bedrooms do we need now? | |
| Two. Huh. | |
| Smoothies. We're gay now? | |
| Are we gay now? Maybe. | |
| It's a pretty good fucking smoothie. | |
| Take it back. Tristan, would you like the smoothie? | |
|
Smoothie Symbolism
00:05:35
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|
| I guess so. | |
| Look at you and your smoothie. You're such a fucking faggot. | |
| Tristan is the exact kind of faggot in the smoothie, isn't he? | |
| Okay. Talkin' to me. | |
| Talkin' to me. Is it a good smoothie, at least? | |
| No comment. Tristan is literally the exact kind of fucking homo who would sit at Mike and just hold a smoothie with his cigar and drink it. | |
| Stop talking to me. Embarrassing. | |
| You're letting us down. You're destroying the whole brand. | |
| You were the Red Bull World Champion. | |
| You were the inventor of red wine. | |
| Now look at you. You're the fucking smoothie like a girl. | |
| You're... You're... | |
| Pounding a smoothie. | |
| Admit you have a smoothie on the table. | |
| I'm not drinking my smoothie. Admit it. | |
| So now you're afraid of smoothies. | |
| Now he's afraid of me. | |
| The only thing worse than drinking smoothies is being afraid of the smoothie. | |
| What's gonna happen? You'll die? What's gonna happen? | |
| You go to jail? Again? | |
| You're a coward. You know the saddest thing I've always imagined? | |
| Imagine you're living in some war-torn country and a fighter jet bombs you. | |
| I always imagined it would be particularly sad to be attacked and murdered from the sky. | |
| Because I feel like, although drones and fighter jets and attack helicopters drop bombs from the sky, I would have loved to have a world where somehow that wasn't allowed. | |
| Where the sky was a peaceful place. | |
| You should be able to look at the sky and see hope and hope alone. | |
| When the bat symbol appears, it appears in the sky for a reason. | |
| Because the sky symbolizes hope. | |
| Here I am, inside of a nation with a language I don't understand, beholden to a justice system I don't understand, with my life hanging in the balance. | |
| Somebody is going to decide if my life is fine or if my life is completely over. | |
| Who is that person? Don't know. | |
| Why? Haven't done anything wrong. | |
| They've just decided to attack me. | |
| And I look to the sky and I think, maybe it's all going to be okay. | |
| Maybe it won't. Who knows? | |
| A lot of people are asking me how I feel. | |
| It's a good question. It's particularly a good question because I am the hero in everybody's lives. | |
| Anybody who knows me, when anything goes wrong, they call me. | |
| I'm the hero. I'm the Batman. | |
| But now, I have no one to call. | |
| I have people telling me, ah, you'll be okay, you're at top G. Will I? I don't know. | |
| But, If anybody can defeat this Matrix attack, it's going to be the Top G. Who else could it possibly be? | |
| If there was a symbol in the sky which were to appear like the bat symbol, it'd be the Top G symbol. | |
| And I think we need Top G back. | |
| I think he stands the best possible chance of escaping this Matrix attack, even though it's a level 10 Matrix attack and they're trying their very best to destroy me without evidence, and it's all a sham. | |
| Top G stands the best possible chance. | |
| So for that reason... | |
| I have summoned Top G. I've summoned Top G. Top G's coming back. | |
| He's the only one who can defeat this. | |
| Now is not a time for cowardice. | |
| We have the cigar. We have the Bugatti. | |
| We have everything. Now is the time for counterattack. | |
| For everyone who has lied about me and against me to suffer the consequences for exactly that. | |
| Top G's the one who's going to win this battle in the end. | |
| And if Top G loses, at least he loses like a hero. | |
| Because that's how he works. | |
| The Top G special, please. | |
| So, um, I'm going to be doing a lot of work on this. | |
| So, um, I'm going to be doing a lot of work on this. | |
| So, um, I'm going to be doing a lot of work on this. | |
|
Emma Driving To Bagatti
00:02:06
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|
| Good friends coming to visit. | |
| Rory, which I think everybody knows from Alltech Confidentials. | |
| What the fuck are you doing? | |
| Rory. I was upstairs. | |
| What the fuck? And I thought, fuck it. | |
| What the fuck are you doing? | |
| What are you doing? You look like a fucking idiot. | |
| Having a haircut. And then, here they are. | |
| And Dale was a good training colleague of mine. | |
| We used to fight back in the day. | |
| And they've come to see me while on house arrest. | |
| How you doing? All right, mate. Long time. | |
| Long time. Good to see you, man. | |
| It's too long. Good to see you. So, there's a gift here for you. | |
| Now, I hope you like it. | |
| So, there's a girl called Emma. | |
| Emma Harris. She paints cars. | |
| That's what she does. She was determined that she wanted to get this to you. | |
| So, we banged heads. | |
| We had it imported to England. | |
| Where does she live? She lives somewhere in the States. | |
| I've forgotten how whereabouts, but she was determined. | |
| So, I do need to credit Emma for this. | |
| But I think you'll like it. I think you'll really like it. | |
| Cool, I need a knife. | |
| It'll take a while to open that. | |
| You've got a key? | |
| You've got some keys, yeah? | |
| Yeah. | |
| Thank you. | |
| So it's hand-painted, so you have to imagine how many hours went into this as well. | |
| So I really liked it. | |
| I really liked it. So yeah, I was determined to get it to you in the end as well. | |
| Make my jail look nice, huh? | |
| Yeah. My house jail. To make Andrew's cell look good. | |
| The famous new daddy that everyone's after. | |
| Bro, let's take it out. | |
| In the wrong colour. Ha! | |
| It's got me. Look, it's me driving to Bagatti. | |
| That's my future life. | |
| When all this jail crap's over, that's going to be me, somewhere in Italy, doing exactly that. | |
| What do you think? Amazing. | |
| Thank you very much. I appreciate it. | |
| I'm going to make this future come true. | |
| I'm going to hang this up today. Thank you very much. | |
| You're going to hang it up today? Yeah. Cool. | |
| Excellent. Thank you. | |
| And what's the last one? There's your note. | |
| There's your note. We'll keep this up. | |
| Hercific acid coupled with sheer indefatigability makes me a fear to burn in any realm of human endeavor. | |