| Time | Text |
|---|---|
|
Mr. Goode Takes the Ticket
00:01:58
|
|
| Oh I | |
| Oh | |
| Who? | |
| Who should take the ticket? Take the fucking ticket. | |
| Who should take the ticket? Mr. | |
| Goode. Mr. Goode, take the ticket. | |
| Mr. Goode will take the ticket. | |
| Mr. Goon always succeeds. | |
| Well, keep the tickets there so you don't do a Mr. | |
| Rory. It means tickets. | |
| Don't worry. I'm Mr. | |
| Goon. Mr. Goon's never failed. | |
| Never. Mr. | |
| Goon has never failed. Now let me go back to Luke. | |
| Now I'm Luke. Who does fail. | |
| Who I do occasionally fail. | |
| And now it is raining. | |
| Yes. I can do 100 miles an hour in the rain. | |
|
We're Fast Enough
00:10:39
|
|
| There's no way Andrew and Boris are actually going to do fast speeds in the rain in those cars. | |
| We're going to win them. | |
| We are going to win, aren't we? We are definitely going to win. | |
| I think we passed them a long time ago. | |
| Well, we always knew it. | |
| We did always know. Bentley is a racing legend. | |
| That's actually very true. | |
| It is true. I know. | |
| I wasn't joking. We're going to win the race. | |
| We are going to win the race. We have the better car. | |
| We have the superior vehicle. But feel that nice foot down, top speed acceleration. | |
| It's quiet like a tiger. | |
| It's quiet like a slow car. | |
| It's not a slow car. It can't be. | |
| If it was a slow car, we wouldn't be beating them. | |
| Racing is about speed. | |
| It's not about speed, is it? | |
| It's about strategy. It is. | |
| They have the mountain roads. | |
| Oh, mountainy, mountainy. | |
| They don't know about straight lines, highways, invention, human innovation. | |
| They're living in the 30s. They are. | |
| They don't get it. They don't understand. | |
| Times have changed. Sterling, we're going to lose the race. | |
| Why are we at the gas station? | |
| To collect more fuel for the race. | |
| That's what you need to win a race. | |
| But what if they have a full tank? | |
| I guarantee they don't have to fill them all day. | |
| We're growing far more economically than they are. | |
| True. And plus, Luke didn't have his power crunch. | |
| Isn't that right? I tried to tell Luke about the cereal. | |
| He didn't fucking listen. Luke never has to listen. | |
| So we get more energy. Yeah, of course we get more energy. | |
| For the race. We also need energy in ourselves. | |
| It's true. To win the race. | |
| Tristan, what do you need? I need Mr. | |
| Groon to somehow pay this. | |
| Don't worry, Mr. Goon's on the case. | |
| Mr. Goon is on the case. | |
| Mr. Goon never fails. | |
| Never. Never have failed, never will. | |
| So first things first, let's get the ticket thing. | |
| I don't like this. It's not this. | |
| Hopefully we didn't lose the ticket thing. | |
| No, we didn't. These are Mr. | |
| Goon. Mr. | |
| Goon never fails. We put the ticket in here. | |
| Now we give them money. | |
| Mr. Goon! | |
| Mr. Goon's on the case. | |
| Mr. Goon has never failed. | |
| Ever. Alright. | |
| Looks like the job for Mr. Goon's over. | |
| No more need. | |
| Hey Tristan! | |
| Sterling, are we actually going to win this race? | |
| I haven't seen anyone in about an hour and a half. | |
| I'll answer that question for you bro. | |
| Fuck no! Sterling, we've been on a supercar rally for two fucking days and the only time I've seen a goddamn Lamborghini is when we're at the hotel at the end of the fucking day, four hours after they get there. | |
| We're in last place, Rory. | |
| Look, I'll tell you why we haven't seen anybody else. | |
| It's because we stop to smell the roses. | |
| And more importantly, every time we see a beautiful girl, we ask her, hey love, fancy a bum? | |
| That is true. That is kind of true. | |
| We have been asking random fresh girls. | |
| We're doing far more important work. | |
| We're doing God's work. But in addition, we have to impregnate every village woman In every little French village. | |
| That's true. Who else is going to do it? | |
| Yeah, that's true. Well, clearly. | |
| That's true. Look, bro. Look, we've been in these villages all day. | |
| I've not seen anybody under the age of 75. | |
| There's got to be one. I've not seen one young woman. | |
| There's got to be one. And so, I honestly just think we're lost. | |
| Let's drive to La Bomme. La Bomme. | |
| La Bomme. Oh, we've got to find a girl that wants a bum there. | |
| Okay, so the truth is, the truth is, we are in last place. | |
| So we're going to lose the fucking race. | |
| We might lose the race, but... | |
| We might impregnate a village. | |
| I mean if we win. We definitely win if we impregnate a village. | |
| Touche. It's the only French word I know. | |
| Touche! Just get the ticket without the hat. | |
| I don't know. I'm Luke. I might fail the task. | |
| But I know one man who won't. | |
| Listen, Mr. Ruby. | |
| I'm going to do the task tonight of boozing so hard. | |
| Mr. Goon might be unavailable at night. | |
| No. Mr. | |
| Goon will let me down. Mr. | |
| Goon never fails. | |
| Mr. Goon has never failed ever. | |
| Mr. Goon has never failed. | |
| Are we the fastest race car drivers that has ever existed? | |
| Clearly, because we have time for picnics. | |
| Literally. So we picnic while they're probably doing some bullshit. | |
| Yeah, exactly. Because we're so fast that we have time. | |
| It's the tortoise and the hare. Yeah. | |
| We could stop and rest, but we actually still will win. | |
| That's what I mean. We're not going to just go to sleep here and just wait hours. | |
| Aren't we? No, we're not. | |
| No, Tristan. Tristan, we can't just sleep here. | |
| Good day. No. | |
| That is such a fast racehorse. | |
| Fuck, these Doritos are actually super fucking good. | |
| I could sleep and still win. | |
| I believe in myself. | |
| These are actually some of the best Doritos out there. | |
| Why are they so good? You fucked me. | |
| Rory bought it yesterday. | |
| So Rory fucked us. Because they're actually super fucking good. | |
| It would seem that way, yeah. Man, they're so... | |
| They must be driving so fucking slow. | |
| Literally. We're good to go. | |
| So Tristan and Luke got here first. | |
| And you know what they're going to do? What are they going to do? | |
| We got here before you, Bentley. | |
| Because you went on straight motorways. | |
| Boring. And we went through the mountain roads and had fun. | |
| On a car rally. And they think they won by skipping all the fun. | |
| Watch this. They're going to skip all the fun. | |
| And they're going to be like, oh yeah, but we got here. | |
| It's like bragging you came first. | |
| Oh yeah, I came in a minute. | |
| But you missed all the fun. Why? | |
| To be fair, Andrew, priorities. We need to have priorities here. | |
| So whose side are you eating on? | |
| We have to have priorities here. | |
| They skipped all the fun to get here. | |
| So it doesn't matter if they got here first because they're nerds. | |
| I took the long way because I'm a G. That's what I did. | |
| I went through the mountains. The hard roads. | |
| The hard roads. That's where I'm from. | |
| The hard roads. Where I'm from. | |
| You understand? That's what builds character. | |
| That's right. In my GT3, they fucking took the motorway cruise control like dorks, and now watch when we see them. | |
| Hi, guys. Shut the fuck up, Tristan. | |
| Tristan and Luke. Imagine the two biggest geeks you know. | |
| Two geeks. Imagine in your mind. | |
| Two fucking geeks. | |
| What are their names? Tristan and Luke. | |
| It's true, bro. | |
| We beat the shit out of the guys in that race. | |
| We wasn't racing. We weren't racing. | |
| Bro, who got here first? We left at the same time, yeah? | |
| But who said we were racing? | |
| We weren't racing. We took the hard road. We were racing, bro. | |
| It was a great race. I put in the text. | |
| We could show the text. The great race between us three. | |
| It was me and Tristan against you and Andrew, and then Justin Sterling and Rory. | |
| There was no race. And that's been first place, second place, third place, it looks like. | |
| Because I don't think Rory's here yet. | |
| You're a loser. And you know it. | |
| No, we're the super team. Now we're good. | |
| No problem. So one sec. | |
| So we already have drinks. | |
| We all have drinks now. Vodka and water. | |
| Vodka and Coke. And you're saying... | |
| I'm just saying, let's not bullshit every time we hand the bottle around and hit it before we drink our drinks. | |
| So we're drinking our vodka and mixed drinks and we're hitting this first. | |
| This is the chaser. | |
| The mixed drink is the chaser. | |
| Luke, was this your idea, Luke? | |
| I agree with Justin. I'm gonna tell you why I disagree. | |
| I'm gonna tell you why I disagree. Because there are certain members of this group who cheat. | |
| When they take sips. | |
| Yes, I saw the sip cheating last night. | |
| I don't want to accuse anyone, but they're black. | |
| They are black. Rory, sip. | |
| So what I'm saying is, let's take shots in these glasses, and then we can slam a shot and use that as a chaser. | |
| I want everyone to know at home that it's pointless ass. | |
| Whatever. Alright, pour a shot, swing it back, pass the bottle on the glass. | |
| Same glass. Oh. | |
| Fuck off, man. | |
| I'm not being second. Give it to me. | |
| Go, Marcel. Pass the cup as well. | |
| Same cup. Fuck off, guys. | |
| Here, Luke, continue to film it. | |
| Don't think your little hands is going to make you shout a little bit. | |
| That's all right. More moves. | |
| Yeah. Let's go. Up to the curve. | |
|
American Bacon Debate
00:02:17
|
|
| It smells horrible. | |
| I can smell it. I just shot by one. | |
| My shot's stuck. Yeah, that was wrong. | |
| That was wrong. Don't do that again. | |
| That's also- Yeah, that's not a chaser. | |
| That's not a chaser. | |
| Alright Roswell, you got yourself on that one. | |
| Oh... | |
| Laughter Oh, oh. | |
| Laughter That was scary. | |
| Alright, alright. Let's go. | |
| I got my shot. | |
| What are grits? Marcel doesn't know what grits are. | |
| He's clearly not blind. It's hard for me to have this conversation when I sound like a complete racist. | |
| Marcel, I know what grits are. | |
| So, you knew your story. Okay, that can't go with head completion. | |
| Yeah, I'm going to bleep that out. Bro, I can't believe this. | |
| It must be an American thing. | |
| Give me your card. Alright, bring them to the South. | |
| As an American, that would be unforgivable. | |
| And for the record, European bacon is absolute fucking trash. | |
| French bacon. We've only had French bacon. | |
| We had English bacon. It was shit. | |
| It tastes like ham. | |
| English bacon is superior to French bacon. | |
| English bacon is better than French bacon. | |
| No, it's not. Bro, it's all trash compared to American. | |
| What's better than French bacon? | |
| American bacon is superior. | |
| I ain't gonna lie. See, I don't know American bacon, so it's easy. | |
| I don't know any better. He doesn't even know what the Brit is. | |
| Yeah, you should know that. I've been to America a few times, bro. | |
| That's what I mean, bro. Is it nice? | |
| Is it nice? It's super good. | |
| It's nice, but also flavorless. | |
| It's weird. You're looking forward to the day of Mr. | |
| Goon? Stop talking to me. | |
| But Mr. Goon can never be wrong, Tristan. | |
| Yo, Luke, Marcel. Mr. | |
| Goon. Hi, Tristan. | |