| Time | Text |
|---|---|
|
Croatian Casino Gambit
00:11:38
|
|
| And obviously she's still upset. | |
| So, fuck Amy Louise! | |
| Cheers guys! Because we're gambling. | |
| So we're gamblers. Yeah, gambling. | |
| Where? Some casino in Croatia. | |
| All right. Casino Aikido. Casino Aikido. | |
| So let me explain what happened. | |
| We went to the casino. They told you to stop filming. | |
| We went to the casino. We lost 25,000 euros. | |
| Nothing's on camera because we're not allowed to film. | |
| When we left the casino, I said, should we even film? | |
| There's no story here. | |
| We just lost loads of money. Let's just go home. | |
| We went back to the hotel. | |
| Because we're fucking G's, we had these girls at the hotel. | |
| We're sitting with a bunch of women, drinking loads and loads of booze, super, super drunk. | |
| I took my jacket off, and guess what fell out? | |
| This. A 1,000 euro chip. | |
| Yep. It's now five hours. | |
| It's like four in the morning. | |
| They're going to let you in. The casino's probably closed. | |
| But now I can't sleep knowing I have this 1,000 euro chip. | |
| So now we have to go back to the casino. | |
| Even though it's probably closed. | |
| To try and make all 25. | |
| Imagine the story. | |
| If we make all the money back. | |
| They got them. With this one chip that I forgot. | |
| Tristan, we're going to bring them bankrupt. | |
| We're not. No, they fucked up. | |
| They should have let us left. | |
| We're going to do it. We're not. | |
| We had to try. | |
| We'd be cowards. Tristan, they're so fucked. | |
| I'm sleeping. No, no, no. | |
| Hear me out. No, no, no. I was asleep when you knocked on my door and told me you had that shit. | |
| Yeah. And who's still here in the cab? | |
| So we're going back to the casino. | |
| They're fucked. And we're going to make it all back. | |
| They shouldn't have let us leave with that. | |
| Make it all back. | |
| Allllllllllllll back! | |
| So what did you come with, what did you leave with? | |
| Tell me the truth. I'm Rayman. | |
| You know Rayman is poker is bullshit. | |
| He might be fucking Rayman. | |
| All the games are closed. | |
| All there was was poker. I'm actually super good at poker. | |
| I actually know the statistics. | |
| I know the odds. I know the chance of getting that 10. | |
| What did you win? I turned a thousand into three thousand and then you said we've been here for three hours. | |
| That's not worth two thousand. That is what happened. | |
| So now we've left, and now we've got to get up in about an hour and a half, and we're hammered drunk to drive 11 hours across the road. | |
| Yes. Correct. | |
| But I made us money. Yes. | |
| You did. No, sorry. Oh, no. | |
| Actually, he should just play poker forever. | |
| Exactly. I'm getting- Tristan- You're down big. | |
| I remember- Already from gambling. | |
| I remember being on my phone. I looked up. | |
| He had a little bit of chips. I went down on my phone for probably two hours. | |
| A good two hours. And then I looked up and he had way more chips. | |
| So you losers think a thousand dollars an hour is good money. | |
| It's not bad. It's not bad at all. | |
| It's not bad money. It is bad. | |
| Why don't we live here? See? | |
| We should live here and I should play poker professional. | |
| Yeah. He plays poker. | |
| We just sit around. Boom! | |
| Tristan, do you admit I'm the poker genius? | |
| You don't stay here, and I'll see you there. | |
| Do you admit my name is Vladimir Scorpius? | |
| No, it's my name. No, that's my name. | |
| Shit, no, wait, wait, wait, wait. | |
| I just want a poker. His name might be fu- Alright, so Tristan, is Vladimir Scorpius bad or good at poker? | |
| He doesn't gamble. That's a lie. | |
| That's a fucking lie. | |
| I'm Vladimir Scorpius. | |
| That sounds like a good fucking poker game- poker name to me. | |
| Yeah, he admits it. Without saying a word, he admits it. | |
| Hour and a half sleep, Luke? | |
| How you feeling? Horrible. | |
| Hour and a half sleep, plenty of body. | |
| I was rain man at fucking poker. | |
| I'm actually extremely good at poker. | |
| I'm very, very, very good. | |
| Literally. Tristan wouldn't let me play any longer. | |
| I think you would've got all. | |
| Man, I would've. Could've made us trillionaires. | |
| Those fuckers weren't ready for me. | |
| Take all their money. | |
| All in, all in, all in. | |
| They're all shitting themselves and bitching. | |
| Who's the crazy man? This is all I have left. | |
| I just fucked them up. | |
| I don't give a fuck. I don't need money. | |
| You think I need money? The last thing on earth I need is money. | |
| I have so much fucking money. | |
| So now we're headed back on the road Back on the road Oh , oh | |
| Oh Three, two, one, go! | |
| Hey! | |
| Let him go first. | |
| Yep. And goodbye. | |
| Man, this thing's otherworldly. | |
| 765 maybe. | |
| This thing's completely otherworldly. | |
| 765. Let him go. | |
| I let him go. You get a head start. | |
| I let him get a head start. And I had to go show him something about why McLaren's are McLaren's. | |
| They're unreliable, they're a pain in the ass to drive, but they are the fastest cars. | |
| Funny. They're the fastest. | |
| They're the fastest. That's all you care about. | |
| You can't compete. So as usual, we're stopped by Border Patrol. | |
| They super don't like us. | |
| As usual. Nobody like us. | |
| Another Border Patrol drag race. | |
| Let's go. We need good grip on the ground. | |
| Good grip. Good grip. My muscle has that on the ground. | |
| Yeah. It couldn't grip. | |
| A rolling race, we've done rolling races. | |
| Completely different. Hungarians have constructed us to race each other. | |
| Yes. It was a demand. | |
| I'm here in place of Frank's race race race. | |
| Off the motor pass. | |
| Off to Budapest. | |
| Another border crossed. | |
| This one I at least filmed a little bit. | |
| Eat faster. I know. | |
| Eat faster is bullshit. What do you mean? | |
| We haven't slept at all. We've been driving literally all day. | |
| We just get here. And you say, Luke, go inside, order fast. | |
| Yep. For why? | |
| What's the reason Tristan? Because we go get to the club and eat there. | |
| Girls meet us. What do you got? | |
| Homosexual? Yeah, no. | |
| I just want to eat nice food. | |
| And chill. Yesterday. | |
| Yesterday we drunk loads. | |
| I'm not a bunch of girls. Got hammered. | |
| Went casino. Lost 25,000. | |
| I'm out with different girls. I forgot we did that. | |
| Found our different girls. Found 1,000 in my pocket. | |
| I went. Turned into 3,000 in poker. | |
| Went to bed at 4. Got up at 6. | |
| Drove 11 and a half hours across Europe. | |
| Now we're here. And you want to go to the club? | |
| You want to... What do you mean? | |
| Yeah. It's fucking weird. | |
| No, I'm the weird one. | |
| Yeah. I'm the weird one. | |
| What do you want to do? Sleep? | |
| What are you? He's right. | |
| Owl? He's not right. | |
| He's right. We don't need sleep. Cowards need sleep. | |
| Normal humans need sleep. It's the right thing to do, Luke. | |
| It's not about wanting. It's about what you have to do. | |
| I don't want to go far, but I also know that I don't want to go far. | |
| I live life in the fucking fast lane. | |
| It is actually the fast lane. | |
| People don't understand. It never ends. | |
| That's because we have a flight back to Bucharest at 6 in the morning. | |
| Can I have three vodkas, please? Thank you. | |
| What is this? | |
| Alkoboos! | |
| Welcome to the real world, bro! | |
| I'm going to be dancing with my mom. | |
| Another one. | |
| The sleep is the power. | |
| I'm Brad Justice. | |
| I'm Brad Justice. | |
| What? | |
| Andrew is Brad Justice. | |
| Brad Justice. | |
| Brad Justice. | |
| I'm Brad Justice. | |
| I'm Brad Justice. | |
| Brad Justice. | |
| I'm Brad Justice. | |
| He's Brad Justice. | |
| He's right there. | |
| I'm Brad Justice. | |
| Another one. | |
| Woo! | |
| You got a toothbrush? We're going to London. | |
| Do you hear that, Doug? I'm coming to London! | |
| Door opening. | |
| Door opening. | |
| Door closing. | |
| Door closing. | |
| Door closing. | |
| Door opening. | |
| Door opening. | |
| Door opening. | |
| Door closing. | |
| Two whisky and coke, that will be. | |
| Door closing. | |
| Door closing. | |
|
Tale Of Victory
00:03:01
|
|
| What's your telegraph name again? | |
| Gentlemen, gentlemen! Tale of victory. | |
| Victory? Jesus is a victory. | |
| It's a tale of defeat. God knows. | |
| I was almost defeated. So, a moment ago I was walking through this fine establishment down at the luxurious hotel bar at the Bulgari Hotel where we're all smoking these fine Cubans. | |
| And a blonde girl looks at me. | |
| I look at her. Eye contact, eye contact. | |
| I'm thinking, what do I do? So I make a move. | |
| She says, oh my god, I know you. | |
| I thought, fuck. I hate when this happens. | |
| I hate when this happens. | |
| And I woke her. | |
| Where's Amy? Where do I know you from? | |
| She goes, oh, it's me. It's Amy Louise. | |
| Now, honest to god, I've never heard a fucking name Amy Louise in my entire life. | |
| Then she divulges, are you still horrible? | |
| So it could have been me. | |
| But I was thinking, I think I know what's going on here. | |
| I said, you know what? I think you've got me mixed up with someone else. | |
| I mean, in the meantime, you've shaved your head. | |
| My hair's now the length that it was when she met you. | |
| She said, let me look at your Instagram, and I'll tell you. | |
| So I opened my Instagram, I'll show her the picture. | |
| The first thing she does is put on a picture of me and Andrew together going, who's this? | |
| I said, that's my brother. Tell your brother he's horrible. | |
| I said, well, you know, I actually like my brother. | |
| I think he's lovely. And I began to walk off because she was a bit swayed, you know? | |
| Typical English girl. And as I walk off, her last words were, what was it? | |
| Tell your brother he's an asshole. | |
| Tell your brother he's an asshole. He probably hears that a lot. | |
| Over to you to explain exactly why the fuck that woman was talking about. | |
| Thank you. I'm very sorry we can't find a place on earth I haven't fucked something. | |
| I'm sorry, gentlemen. | |
| But yeah, Amy Louise, a long time ago. | |
| And she got FDB. And obviously she's still upset. | |
| So, fuck Amy Louise. | |
| Cheers guys! | |
| Cheers! | |
| Cheers! | |
| So, I'm here with my friend, the guy who's going to be doing this. | |
| He's going to be doing a video on the new iPhone 11 Pro Max. | |
|
Failed Tech Dreams
00:05:48
|
|
| It has completely failed, hasn't it? | |
| But it's a shame, because it literally was the height of civilization. | |
| Didn't someone just die us today? | |
| Oh yeah, someone got chopped off. | |
| Yeah. | |
| And Hyde Park, yeah. | |
| Good job, bud. | |
| Yeah. | |
| But in London everyone just pretends like, oh, it's mine. | |
| Won't affect me. | |
| It does look nice here, but I also am actually on edge. | |
| You should be. Literally. You should be. | |
| And in London you shouldn't walk on your phone either. | |
| I know three people had their phone snatched in their hand on moped. | |
| So you don't want to lose your phone, it's not worth using. | |
| Man. | |
| Why do people live here? I mean, it does look nice. | |
| Don't get me wrong. This does look very nice. | |
| It's nice and everything around it is just decaying. | |
| Thank you. | |
| Thank you very much, brother. London was the height of Western civilization. | |
| It was the capital of the largest empire in human history. | |
| To say that London is shit, no. | |
| London was literally the number one premier place on the planet. | |
| It's become shit. So now we have remnants. | |
| It's a shame. | |
| It's a shame. I like England. | |
| I like the British. | |
| I like London. I'm half English. | |
| But I just understand now that it's failed. | |
| It's failed as a nation. | |
| It just has failed. So it's a shame. | |
| But there's little pockets. | |
| The pockets of... | |
| And this is where people go, right? | |
| People stay in their penthouse. They'll come here. | |
| They'll come here. The chauffeur will wait for them. | |
| And they'll be alright. But if you're living day-to-day life like we do, run around, get boozy and stuff, you're going to get in trouble. | |
| If we were in London and we were careful enough, we could avoid the crime. | |
| We definitely could. Go to certain bars, certain places. | |
| If you want to be like us on the street boozing, random movies, random hoes, her ex-boyfriends around, that kind of random shit, you get in trouble. | |
| You can't do it. What are we doing? | |
| We're driving to Ibiza. | |
| I fucking love the cannon, Ron. | |
| We're driving to Ibiza. | |
| No one remembers it. | |
| No one understands. No. | |
| If we make it without getting arrested, it'll be a miracle. | |
| A miracle. A miracle. | |
| A miracle. I thought they said go right. | |
| I mean, go straight. I didn't know. | |
| Go. Oops. I didn't know. | |
| Oops. Must have got someone. | |
| Go over here. Also fun, yeah? | |
| They're going. I have no clue. | |
| I don't know. That definitely means go straight ahead. | |
| No problems. Nobody likes us. | |
| We don't care. | |
| We don't care. What happens this year? | |
| Another year! Okay, so there's a question. | |
| What flavor do you like? That's what I've said, normal. | |
| And the intro has said, anyone would pop it out for. | |
| The original? Yeah, we've not had that one yet. | |
| No, but that's just the original one. | |
| Oh, it's just normal one? Yeah. | |
| So... What is this? | |
| Before you drive super cars to Ibiza, you need to get really drunk. | |
| Is that the trick? That's the system. | |
| Before you drive, you got to get drunk, right? | |
| To relax. Listen, I don't get in the car unless I've drank. | |
| That's right. Nice. | |
| Road booze. Road booze? | |
| You don't have road booze in America? | |
| San Francisco? | |
| They don't have road booze in America. | |
| Cowards. Amateurs. Road booze. | |
| That's right, make our own route. | |
| To the fields, to the trees. | |
| I'm not even driving. | |
| Why do I need road tubes? Welcome to the room. | |
| Passengers need to be as calm as the drivers. | |
| Exactly. Keeps you calm. Is that how it works? | |
| Cheers! | |
| Cheers! | |
| There's parking tickets on all the cars. | |
| Thanks for watching, bye! | |
| All of them. | |
| What are they doing? | |
| Nobody likes us. | |
| What about the law? Andrew... | |
| They need to move the jar. | |
| You don't get it yet. | |
| One day, you'll get it. | |
| Trust it. | |
| My cigar's starting to fire. | |
| you Tristan, there's no gasoline here. | |
| Thank you. What are these? | |
| Gas. Fuck. | |
| Fuck that. So it's cancelled. | |
| It's cancelled. We've drunk loads of booze and we're supposed to be leaving today to drive around. | |