| Time | Text |
|---|---|
|
Lambo Tire Trouble
00:04:10
|
|
| Good shot there from Tate! | |
| A lot of people say girls love money and that's not entirely true. | |
| I'm not sure if that's true. | |
| So this is the Lambo garage. | |
| There's real good music. Alright Andrew, can you explain what has happened? | |
| Pass me the Doritos. | |
| There's a cut in the tire or something and it's... | |
| you can't repair it. | |
| I'm trying to find a Lambo tire out here as well. | |
| Your life might be a series of unfortunate events. | |
| Unfortunate events. It is. | |
| That's my life. It's just one never-ending series of unfortunate events. | |
| Might be. It just might be. | |
| But unfortunately, I also don't have Doritos. | |
| To make the matters worse. | |
| Now we're fuggers. So we're back in the game. | |
| Back in the game. Boom. | |
| Fixed. How do you fix fuggers our money? | |
| I don't know. How do they do it? | |
| That'd be ass. | |
| I could sit around and wait a lot longer. | |
| My friend can come with something tomorrow. | |
| Bullshit. Yeah. Thank you. | |
| What's happening? | |
| The tire that we had repaired on the Lambo, we're trying to go home. | |
| It's late to young again. So we're about to get stuck on the side of the motorway. | |
| Tristan's driving the Lambo. | |
| I'm in the past. And it's leaking again. | |
| So I'm trying to think of some highly advanced Double Dragon, Triple Shinobi maneuvers. | |
| I can't think of any. | |
| Right now we're trying to get to the next gas station, 24 kilometers. | |
| It's race against time Racing time Time call why is it the same wheels leaking again? | |
| They just fixed it. Yeah. | |
| Fucking ass. It was just some random tire. | |
| Saints sized tire and put it on. | |
| I'm Time Cop. My name's Time Cop. | |
| Time Cop. Time Cop is on the case. | |
| Time Cop. Correct. Time to wake up and face your music. | |
| So we've given up. | |
| The biggest Red Bulls money can buy. | |
| Everything bad for you. Ice cream, cigarettes, you name it. | |
| Let's do it. That time you woke up and faced the music. | |
| Luke's living in elephant world. | |
| I am. I am actually an elephant world. | |
| Now you gotta eat elephant food. This is elephant food. | |
| Guys, we got Oreos. | |
| Good. Just to place this song on repeat. | |
| It's true. He keeps saying it's my favorite song, but it literally hurts my brain. | |
| And it gets stuck in your mind. | |
| It does. | |
| Bang, bong, bing, bing bing bing bing bing bidi bing bing. | |
| I won't use it. | |
| All the times I've heard it, my mind is just weird. | |
|
Ding Ding Bong Bing
00:02:29
|
|
| All the things I do. | |
| I just sit in this room, drinking badly made gin and tonics. | |
| I'm rich. | |
| I don't have to do this. | |
| It's true. Tristan, let's allocate half of the indulgence to put together the most crazy kick-confidential episodes ever. | |
| Fucking nuts. | |
| Let's try and buy tickets to the moon. | |
| Let's fucking rent prior planes, a boat. | |
| Let's go completely insane with the take-off engine. | |
| Nothing makes sense anymore. | |
| The end. | |
| The end. | |
| Ding bang ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding. | |
| Ding bang bong. | |
| you So I'm trying to get in here Oh, this is a three-story building I Want to fuck some bitches find some bitches we can fuck Yes. | |
| No. Yeah, me and you need to fuck some bitches. | |
| No. Now, we can find bitches now. | |
| Or in general. You just start thinking some bitches. | |
| They have to be pretty. Pretty bitches and they have to come here and we'll fuck them. | |
| You understand? Alright, good. | |
| What day is it today? | |
| Monday. On Friday, we're going to fuck some bitches. | |
| So start talking to some bitches and saying, me and my man are going to fuck you. | |
| Okay. The things I do are too good. | |
| The Red Pill Men's... | |
| They don't believe the level that you can operate at when you're actually a G. They don't. | |
| They don't get it. They're like, oh, where would you hold frame? | |
| What? What you need to do is you need to... | |
| Stop being a dick. | |
| Bing bong bing bong bing bada bing bong bing bong bing bong bing bing. | |
|
Emergency McDonald's Meeting
00:05:39
|
|
| It's an emergency Luke. So I came into your room, woke you up, and I'm going to tell you what happened. | |
| So I came into your room, woke you up. | |
| Yes. Told you about the emergency. | |
| I quickly got dressed. I had no time to brief you on the situation. | |
| So we're just going to have to go and deal with it. | |
| If you're combat ready, that's all I need. | |
| Combat readiness. That's what's important. | |
| But it is an emergency situation. | |
| An unprecedented emergency like we have never seen before. | |
| So is this like an emergency meeting? | |
| No. No, no, no. We didn't have time for a meeting. | |
| This is an emergency maneuver. | |
| Emergency action. Straight to action stations. | |
| So now we're doing emergency maneuvers. | |
| No meetings, exactly. Because there were no meetings. | |
| We had no time for meetings. | |
| I'm feeling this just like an emergency meeting. | |
| What do you mean? | |
| But in the car. | |
| What do you mean? | |
| What's an emergency meeting? | |
| A meeting we hold in case of emergencies, yeah. | |
| No, no. | |
| We never hold them in emergencies. | |
| They're never dire. | |
| They are. | |
| They never have been. | |
| Every single time they are. | |
| They never have been. | |
| They always have been. | |
| No. | |
| Well, this is a real emergency. | |
| Steven Molley News Twitter. | |
| This is a real emergency. | |
| Steven Molling who's Twitter. | |
| Yeah. It's such an emergency on the speed. | |
| They got his YouTube. Now this week, God's Twitter. | |
| Yeah. Damn. I saw that this morning. | |
| Damn. Now he's not a person. | |
| Boom. Wait, whoa. | |
| I thought this was an emergency. | |
| It is an emergency. What do you mean? | |
| No, no, no. Face masks. | |
| They'll tell you to wear a fucking mask. | |
| Fucking mask? | |
| Right. It's an emergency. | |
| Emergency McDonald's. Wait, what? | |
| Emergency McDonald's. | |
| Emergency McDonald's. Yeah, look. | |
| It's 8am. If eating food isn't the most important thing in your life, then you've got your priorities wrong. | |
| You'll die if you don't eat it. Yeah, you'll die. What's not an emergency about this? | |
| Emergency McDonald's. Emergency McDonald's. | |
| Every day from now on. Yeah, every time we must wake up earlier and earlier. | |
| Emergency McDonald's. | |
| Yeah, really get our day started right. | |
| The breakfast starts at 4.30am, so we can get it. | |
| Are we taking this at home or are we eating it all in the car? | |
| We're eating in the car like a bunch of losers. | |
| Alright, good. Are we going turbo? | |
| Obviously. No, no, no. | |
| Turbo. Yeah. Three of everything. | |
| Okay. Three of everything. Pancakes. | |
| Yeah. Luke, I'm a stone cold loser. | |
| So this was the emergency. | |
| Yep. Emergency. Yeah, where's the coffee? | |
| You won't be! This still doesn't feel like an emergency. | |
| Luke, it's the biggest emergency we've ever had. | |
| Ah, she knew. | |
| Coffee! Okay. | |
| What? If there's no coffee, there's no coffee. | |
| I don't care. No, beef them! | |
| No, I didn't, because she probably didn't hear me. | |
| Because I realized when I said coffee at the fucking teleprompter, she'd actually know what sauce I wanted. | |
| So you fucked up! You're a fuck up. | |
| Thank you. So you fucked up the emergency? | |
| Can we trust some tea in emergencies? | |
| No. Now we know in emergencies, it's just it can't be trusted. | |
| What are you talking about? You didn't order coffee. | |
| What do you mean? Fuck you guys. | |
| I don't need to buy you coffee. | |
| Try and eat shit. It's an emergency. | |
| Yeah, exactly. The more coffee you eat, the less McDonald's will be able to consume. | |
| So you faggot. It's McDonald's coffee. | |
| McDonald's coffee. And then we have to go in order. | |
| One of these each. Okay, all right. | |
| Let's work together. All right. | |
| Let's work together as a team. | |
| One of these each. All right. | |
| Let's start with this. Start with this. | |
| A few moments later. | |
| I now understand that McDonald's is not good. | |
| It's not good at all, is it? | |
| It's not an emergency. McDonald's isn't an emergency. | |
| What's happened? Andy, what are you... | |
| Has he lost his mind? | |
| McDonald's may have immediately made Andrew lose his mind. | |
| Corona. No. | |
| What do you mean? McDonald's gave him Corona. | |
| He was trying to protect us, dude. | |
| You're not scared of Corona? It's a new emergency. | |
| Emergency of the morning, number two. | |
| What do you mean? No, I'm not scared of Corona. | |
| Second emergency of the day. | |
| Second emergency of the day. | |
| Today's emergency day. | |
| Alright. Today can't be emergency day. | |
| Anytime anyone says emergency and wants to do something, everyone has to say yes. | |
| Agreed. It's emergency day. | |
| Today can't be emergency day. | |
| It is. That's not real. | |
| We're watching Steven Seagal movies. | |
| Isn't it real? What do you know? | |
| It's not real. You don't know anything though. | |
| Our emergencies aren't real. | |
| Emergency day can't be a thing. | |
| They're real emergencies. Super real. | |
| Right. This may be the last time we all see each other alive. | |
| I'll have a Cohiba Talisman and eight gin and tonics, please. | |
| Eight gin and tonics? Yes, please. | |
| Tristan. Why do we need eight? | |