I'd have to go and fucking sit on the desk and talk to everybody.
Talk to everybody where I want.
This is the lair.
It's where the magic happens.
This is where your girl was last night.
I'm living that good life.
You know what's cool?
I think that knife is something.
That's my, that's my overt weaponry.
I've got hidden weaponry.
You know me, I'm that guy with the blicky.
When I sleep, I put the war room cameras on my TV.
So if I hear any noise and I wake up, I can check the cameras, who's where.
So check this, you try and break into Tate's house, right?
I'm sleeping.
Bitches.
Three bitches.
I wake up, I hear a noise, check the cameras, I see people.
I can reach for the Glock.
I can get up and say, you know what?
Them motherfuckers wanna fucking go.
You wanna go, let's go.
I swear, the day you see me walk outside, this is a watermelon story.
Remember the watermelon story?
Yeah, I do remember the watermelon story.
Here it is.
And I'm a watermelon on your ass.
I come in naked in my underwear.
Hey!
Try me.
You can try me.
That's not it.
Obviously, we have free security guards here at the compound.
But I got hidden panic buttons, because we own casinos.
You can't own casinos.
When you own casinos, you have two kinds of security.
I have two forms of security, right?
So, I've got the official security, which you press the button and the official security comes.
And the unofficial security, you press and they roll up strapped just to hurt people.
Like, if you really piss me off, I press the other button.
And I got those buttons around the house.
So, behind those flowers, I can... I come out with the sword.
Two minutes later, my boys rolled up strapped.
Come at my house!
Come at me!
I'm a mob boss now!
You ain't gonna come to my house and take my shit, no.
Someone's dying.
Probably all of us.
It'll be a fucking bloodbath.
It's one of the coolest things about being rich.
Would you like coffee?
Sure.
Have you ever woken up in bed, Luke, and thought, I don't want to go outside because outside my brother and my cousin exist and they're both pricks.
So I'm going to stay in my room, have my morning coffee, leave my door locked and just basically refuse to exist anywhere outside of my room.
Have you ever done that?
No.
That's what I do.
Remember that day when I was refusing to talk to you?
Yeah?
I had cough.
Well, we're talking about rich people shit.
Thank you.
I want all the peasants and peons and the broke boys.
All the commoners.
I want to give them a rundown on which rich people shit is good and which rich people shit is bad.
Because people are always like, if I go rich, I just sit on a beach.
That's why you'll never be rich, bro.
Like, that's your life goal?
Your life goal is to just sit on a beach and do nothing?
What a shitty life goal.
My life goal was to build a compound in an Eastern European nation.
Get security, have ninja swords, hidden weapons, 26 supercars.
Those are my life goals.
Unlimited females, diamond watches, all this cool shit.
What are your life goals?
To go to Spain?
Geeks.
My machine's giving me hot water, not coffee.
Luke, have you cursed my machine?
I may have.
Maybe I need to force it in.
Oops.
Went too deep.
Real jeez, no.
Try again.
Let's try again.
That felt more real.
Let's try again.
This is your coffee, Luke.
Thanks.
This is my cursed coffee.
Boom.
In the game.
Nespresso.
George Clooney ain't got shit on me.
Come on, George.
Come on, Clooney.
Say something.
You gotta say shit to me.
I don't listen to you.
You're a pussy.
Anyway, the peasants, the peons, the people who are not at my level of success are never ever gonna get here.
And they're sitting around dreaming of things.
So I have to tell them which things are actually good, which things are actually bad.
So yeah, you're all hoping, yeah, one day I'll get to sail the beach.
That's why you're broke.
That's why you'll always be broke.
Your life ambition is to do no work.
My life ambition was to do more work, have more things, build a bigger empire, get a fucking huge house, and loads of cars, and Romania, and swords, and too many girlfriends.
You'd be fucking crazy.
Your life ambition?
Ooh, cocktail, isn't it?
dork, geek.
Here you go, Luke.
One for you, one for me.
Thank you.
It's alright. Cheers.
Cheers.
Bye.
So, uh... Seeing our bitch doing fucking nothing is not a life goal.
And if you think it is, you're a pussy.
The next life goal, which is shit, or rich people think which is shit, is champagne.
Champagne is the most overrated crap. Yeah, I buy a lot of champagne.
In fact, fighting for the bitches.
I buy champagne to buy more than everyone else to prove that I'm the big G. Top G. If you watch the emergency meeting, you will know that my new name is officially Top G. You know what's funny?
What's funny is, I know exactly what I'm talking about all of the time.
I'm that guy.
Going up?
Going up?
That's it, you're a tough G and a dog.
A tympan is never slipping, I'm out here making too much fucking money.
G, G, G, G.
G, G, G.
to keep making Mukbang videos.
Fruit.
Thank you.
I'm the Top G. So if I walk in the club, I pull up in the most expensive car and I buy the most champagne and I leave sober with the most girls and go home. Top G. But champagne ain't no selfish shit.
Caviar?
Literally.
But I'm not allowed to say that.
I saw the eggs.
They were all men.
I saw what was going on.
So it's a tight container.
Too close for my liking.
Caviar's bullshit.
While we're talking about rich people stuff, let's move on from rich people stuff.
Let's talk about all stuff that's overrated.
Now I'm thinking about it, my mind is racing with the huge amounts of things that people seem to enjoy that are massively overrated.
Life is over.
Besides supercars, flexing on the broke boys and building an empire, everything's overrated.
Traveling.
I'd love to go traveling.
You'd love to go to Spain and sit in a hotel, walk around the streets, have a coffee, have a cocktail, look at a church.
And then you'd like to fly to Italy, go to a hotel, have a coffee, walk around the streets, look at church.
Woo!
Traveling!
Geek!
I hate traveling.
I would travel for money.
Yeah, I'm traveling all the time for money.
Tate, please come here.
I'll give you three million dollars.
We can open this big business.
We can conquer Earth.
Please come.
And I have to get up, get dressed, and get on my jet.
Maybe I'll come.
But I ain't coming for a fucking holiday.
I want to look around.
Oh, this is lovely.
Traveling is gay.
Love is bullshit.
Building an empire in one place is cool.
It's much cooler for me to be here with all my hidden guns, and panic buttons, and cameras, and swords, and bitches, and coffee machines.
That's much cooler than any fucking traveling.
I got straps in my wardrobe, bro.
Look at the wardrobe.
Show them the wardrobe.
What suit am I gonna wear?
What fucking gun?
Bro, I'm a G, like that.
I'm gonna say it right here in case the police roll up.
You're not allowed guns in Romania.
But you are allowed guns in your shooting range.
So I need my house registered as a shooting range.
Bruv, you don't know me.
You don't know guns.
There's a shooting range over there.
Well, they're a shooting range.
I'm a shooting range.
Well, how are you a shooting range?
Because I'm the fucking top G. If I can open a casino, you think I can't get the paperwork to be a shooting range?
This is a business establishment.
And I'm a shooting range.
And if you come to my fucking house, you're the target.
But, We're going a little bit off here, because I'm trying to talk about things that are overrated, but I'm too busy flexing!
Let's talk about the most overrated thing on Earth.
There's two things that are probably the most overrated on Earth.
No, three things.
And they all involve sex.
The three sexual activities that are all super-duper overrated.
One.
Threesomes.
Now, I know what you dudes are sitting there going, oh, a threesome would be great!
Cuz you never fuck this.
All I did was threesomes were basically my cardio for my fight career.
All I did was threesomes.
It was like I used to pray for the days.
I had one bitch.
Please is not too.
Oh for fuck's sake.
It's time for bed.
And there's two of them.
They're still here.
Threesomes are annoying.
Now you got two kinds.
You got the ones where the girls are really into it.
They're okay.
But usually it's both of them like you and they kind of half like each other.
And now you're just gonna fuck two hoes.
There's legs everywhere.
Like, you're trying to fuck one bitch, this other bitch looks bored, she's gonna f*** her out.
Pick her f*** out and shit.
It's law!
It's like all this effort, like, trying to, like, f*** her, f*** back and forth.
It's bullshit!
Threesomes suck.
And I'm an expert at them.
I know exactly how to do them.
It's like a new art.
If you've had one or two threesomes, you can't do threesomes.
When you've had 500 threesomes, you know the game.
I know how to do it where they like each other, hate each other.
I know how to do it.
They hate each other, and they hate me.
I know how to do all of it.
But they're shit.
Threesomes are a pain in the ass.
You don't get to enjoy it.
It's like taking a beautiful bottle of whiskey and some premium vodka and putting them in the same glass.
And you're just kind of like, I got a little bit of this, a little bit of that, a little bit of titties, a little bit of pussy, but this is just nasty.
It would have been better just to have some vodka, sober up, Then have some whiskey.
Next sexual act, which is bullshit.
Sex on a beach.
I know you broke boys don't know about this one.
When you're traveling around the world in jets and bubble, you're on the beach, some bitch, some hoe, just finds you on Instagram.
Oh, hi.
You're so rich and sexy.
Yeah.
Sit on the beach, some bitch.
Sun's going down.
You're chilling.
And you're kind of thinking, you know what?
This is a little bit romantic.
We're just sitting on the beach.
It's you and me.
She starts, like, hugging you, trying to hope she gets fucked, and I'm just like, there is no way I'm getting... There's sand and shit, dirt, like, fucking rocks, dirt.
And she needs to be so romantic for me to grab her and, like, have sex with her in the surf of the waves.
I know another reason these broke boys don't know about this is because this is... Obviously, I don't go to private beaches.
I don't go to no fucking broke boy beach with kids and shit running around.
No, I'm on private beaches.
It's just me, her, beach.
Have you ever been on an empty beach before?
Oh.
Shut up.
She's all like...
So romantic.
I know what you want.
I'm getting sand in my fucking dick, sand in my hand, sand in my face, sand in your hair, sand in your pussy.
There's gonna be sand everywhere.
There's nothing sexy about it.
Too many movies.
No.
You know what?
It may not seem very sexy for me to go to you.
Stop right there.
Get up.
Pack up.
Go.
Uber.
Hotel.
Check in.
Get new keys.
I didn't bring my key.
Go into the room and then fuck you.
You may not think that's sexy, but I guarantee that's more sexy than covered in fucking sand.
It's trash!
The last sexual act that actually takes the biscuit as the shittest sexual act in history is sex in the shower.
I don't know where these chicks, what movie they saw sex in the shower in.
Because it defies the laws of physics.
Did you know that Luke?
Sex in the shower, my G. Defies the laws of physics.
Because with the running water, the natural puss juice gets taken away.
Like, when I say sex in the shower, this also counts for jacuzzis and pools.
Fuck them all.
And, like, the puss is drier than ever.
Because, like, it's water everywhere, soap and shit.
And, like, it's hard to get it in.
And then, like, I'm big.
They're all small, but the shower's small, so you're kind of like this.
And then, like, you have no grip because it's all slippery.
And she's like, oh, yeah.
It's not sexy.
It's not romantic.
She's trying to kiss you.
There's water in her hair.
I just want you to say, turn off the shower!
Get dry!
Go to the fucking, go to bed!
It's fucking out of control.
This shit is out of control.
Sex in the shower has never been good, ever.
It's the worst thing.
So this case, Petra, is supposed to be about... What the fuck was it supposed to be about?
Basically, I'm the Top G. And if you're not watching the emergency meetings, you won't know what that's about.
But you should.
And for anyone who wants to test my Top G credentials, you can come to my house any day.
If you get past Security Layer 1 and Security Layer 2, you get to the final fucking boss.