| Time | Text |
|---|---|
|
Big Mistake Revealed
00:03:46
|
|
| In every room in my house I have weapons. | |
| Various throwing and fighting weapons. | |
| I think we've discussed this in our earlier tape speech, but this is my little axe. | |
| I've got like four of these in this room. | |
| So you have to come at me. | |
| Pull out my sword. | |
| What the fuck are we doing in my house? | |
| Anyway, back to the point. | |
| We're going to talk about the time I went to jail. | |
| So I'm going to talk about it because when I was in jail, I read a book. | |
| So I was last arrested four years ago, I think. | |
| Why? | |
| Doesn't matter. | |
| But when I was in jail, they gave me this book, you had a choice of three books to read. | |
| And I chose this book. | |
| And it was the worst book I ever read. | |
| I can't remember the name of it. | |
| If we can find out the name of it, that'd be really good. | |
| So it's about, it probably shouldn't be that hard if you Google it. | |
| It's about a woman who was a UN negotiator. | |
| And she got fired, but you don't know why. | |
| So she's living in a New York apartment. | |
| She has some boyfriend, but she's not happy with her life because her boyfriend doesn't fuck her properly. | |
| Because every girl who's not happy with her life and needs more adventure ain't getting enough dick. | |
| Because if they're getting plenty of dick, they're fine. | |
| And anyway, she really regrets how she got fired from the UN. | |
| And she keeps talking about this big mistake she made to get fired from the UN. | |
| I made such a big mistake. | |
| I got fired from the UN. | |
| I made such a big mistake. | |
| So anyway, then some guy from the UN comes along and says, we need you back. | |
| You're the best negotiator ever. | |
| We're going to give you one more chance. | |
| And she goes to negotiate this fucking bullshit thing. | |
| Blah, blah, blah. | |
| She keeps talking about the big mistake the whole way through the book. | |
| Turns out that the guy from the UN wasn't really from the UN. | |
| He's some terrorist who gets her to negotiate on his behalf. | |
| Some garbage. | |
| Anyway, then she starts talking to the real UN guys. | |
| Blah, blah, blah. | |
| I've just created a super weapon. | |
| Look. | |
| A sword and an axe combined. | |
| I should patent this and become even richer. | |
| And it detaches, I think. | |
| Anyway, so this super fucking negotiator hoe keeps talking about this big mistake. | |
| If only I didn't make this big mistake, I could still be working for the UN, whatever, whatever. | |
| Anyway, it turns out, eventually they reveal after about 400 page buildup of what this big mistake was that got her fired from the UN. | |
| She was negotiating for the UN between two warring tribes in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. | |
| And she fell in love with and fucked the leader of one of the tribes. | |
| So she was no longer neutral and impartial, so she could no longer negotiate between the two. | |
| Your white bread ass from New York Who went to college and university and got a job as a UN negotiator, went to the jungle, and fell in love with fucking Mutombo, who doesn't speak English, with his big black ding dong, and got dicked? | |
| And I've been reading this shit for 400 pages, and now she's like, oh, it was a mistake, I regret it, blah blah. | |
| What kind of game can Mutombo even have? | |
| He doesn't even speak English! | |
| He's a warlord. | |
| You're negotiating between two warlords. | |
| He literally runs around and kills people with machine guns for fun. | |
| And when you met him, you were like, oh, wow, he's so charming. | |
| What kind of hoe? | |
| What kind of ratchet ass hoe would fuck Mutombo? | |
| So I'm reading this book and I finally get to the realization that the whole time, the heroine, the main character is just some stupid hoe. | |
| Some dumb hoe who fucks some guys you shouldn't have fucked, of course you shouldn't fuck African warlords. | |
| Whether you're negotiating between two tribes or not, you should probably not be fucking African warlords in general. | |
|
Dumb Hoe Realization
00:02:17
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|
| And this moves on to my broader point. | |
| Women are fucking stupid. | |
| Fictional ones, real ones, doesn't matter if they're on TV or in a book, they're fucking dumb. | |
| Women are dumb. | |
| We know it, we're not supposed to say it, but it's fucking true. | |
| Because I guarantee you, whoever wrote that shit, wrote that book, thought, obviously he wanted it to be as realistic as possible. | |
| He's like, let me make this book, make it as good as possible. | |
| What's the kind of stupid dumb shit a woman would do? | |
| Oh, oh yeah, this is the kind of dumb shit. | |
| How many women out there are fucking dudes they shouldn't be fucking? | |
| Loads. | |
| And do you know how I know that for a fact? | |
| Because loads of them are fucking me! | |
| And I don't give them shit! | |
| There's no future with me. | |
| There's no love from me. | |
| And here they are. | |
| Proof. | |
| Women. | |
| Are dumb. | |
| So here on my phone I have my list of Tate speeches. | |
| We just talked about Batumbu. | |
| I've got another one. | |
| Pro-arranged marriage. | |
| How I believe in arranged marriage. | |
| Have we done that one already? | |
| I don't think we have. | |
| So I'm going to combine two Tate speeches. | |
| Because the last Tate speech about that UN negotiator who proves my point exactly. | |
| Women don't know what's good for them. | |
| Women ain't got a fucking clue what's good for them. | |
| But do you know who does know what's good for chicks? | |
| Their father. | |
| I guarantee there would be less divorce, happier families, and a better society as a whole if the women could only marry the men their father says they could marry. | |
| You're giving women this free choice shit. | |
| When is the last time a woman made a good choice? | |
| If they make the choice of a good man, they're miserable because they got a pussy. | |
| If they make the choice of a G, they're miserable because they got a G. Women are just miserable. | |
| Just unhappiness. | |
| And they end up being a skat, running around, just fucking everyone, trying to find the perfect guy. | |
| By the time they get a guy that could have been the perfect guy, they're 30 dicks deep, so their head's all messed up. | |
| So then even though they got the guy they once dreamt of, they can't keep him anymore because they're dreaming of that gangbang they had. | |
| Oh, I wish I got gangbanged again. | |
| This is boring. | |
| Mr. Two Pumps. | |
| This is shit. | |
| We need to bring arranged marriage back. | |
| That's the solution. | |
| So when I become president of the world, Lord of Earth, and I say arranged marriage must be brought back into society, and people ask me why, I'm gonna get out that book and I'm gonna say, read it. | |
| Look what this bitch did. | |
| She went to school, she went to college, she was educated, she worked for the UN, she was smart, and she could not resist big black ding-dong! | |