| Time | Text |
|---|---|
|
Who Uses Siri?
00:02:20
|
|
| Thanks for watching. | |
| I'll do it twice. | |
| I'm upping the visual effects, as you can see. | |
| Right. | |
| Do you wanna know how you can tell if someone's a dickhead? | |
| Instantly. | |
| If they talk to their phone. | |
| Who the fuck on the planet actually uses Siri? | |
| I'm serious now. | |
| This is a serious question. | |
| Who have you ever seen? | |
| Hey Siri, can you Google the nearest gay sauna? | |
| What kind of bullshit is that? | |
| It doesn't matter. | |
| Firstly, it's not more convenient. | |
| In no realm is it more convenient. | |
| The number of times it's going to mishear you, and you're going to have to do it again, is not proportional to the fractions of a second you're going to save, as opposed to just typing it in. | |
| Especially if you're in a noisy environment. | |
| It's not convenient. | |
| So let's fucking... First, let's cut that crap. | |
| The only people who are doing it are some kind of fucking weird, fucked up sexual predators Who think, yeah, you heard me, if you use Siri you're a sexual predator. | |
| There's no other reason you'd possibly use it. | |
| Because you're trying to fucking attract some attention and show to the world how technically savvy you are. | |
| Oh look, oh hey Siri, how do I hide my identity in child sex videos online? | |
| It's bullshit! | |
| No one should ever, ever do that. | |
| In fact, in the history of my fantastic life, I think I've seen someone do it maybe twice. | |
| I remember being on the train seeing some dude Hey Siri, talking away. | |
| Motherfucker. | |
| I've never been so tempted to just like, you know, like on back. | |
| I was thinking I could jump over all three rows. | |
| Fly over that granny's head with an elbow and BAM! | |
| Take him out. | |
| For life. | |
| There's no need to do that shit. | |
| Now what's worse than Siri is, as you'll notice, I have an Android and an iPhone because I'm a G and I've got it all. | |
| A Lambo, an Aston, a Bentley, a Range Rover, an iDroid, an iPhone. | |
| Big dig. | |
| Anyway. | |
| What's even worse than Siri is fucking Android have come along thinking, maybe people use Siri. | |
| Let's make one Bixby. | |
| Fuck is Bixby? | |
| So now I'm on my Android, I'm trying to do something, I press the wrong button, Bixby chat! | |
| I don't... Siri's bullshit, but Bixby is some serious bullshit. | |
| You're never gonna see anyone talking to Siri, but you're DEFINITELY not gonna see anyone talking to fucking Bixby. | |
|
Why Bugging Yourself Is Worthless
00:03:25
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|
| What does Bixby know? | |
| Nothing. | |
| While we're on subject of all this talking bullshit, I'm tired of everyone trying to make me buy, because I've had a few fucking dorks come along and say, Tate, you know, you should buy one of them Amazon Echos so that the CIA can spy on you. | |
| Do you know how difficult it used to be for the intelligence agencies? | |
| Let me tell you something about my father. | |
| Five times Armed Forces Chess Champion. | |
| As you know, he's a world-level chess player. | |
| My father worked in the CIA for years, and he has told me stories which I'm not going to tell you on YouTube, and I will tell you now. | |
| My father was literally a spy for the CIA, and they used to do insane things that you wouldn't believe, even inside of a coat hanger, to bug a room. | |
| Do you have any idea how difficult it is to bug a room? | |
| It used to be extremely difficult to bug a room, and now motherfuckers are bugging themselves. | |
| Oh, the Amazon Echo! | |
| Let me just put it there. | |
| And it listens to me 24 hours a day because every time I say, Hey Echo, it hears me. | |
| So it listens to me 24 hours a day. | |
| And I put it on charge and put it right in the middle of the room so it can hear me. | |
| And I trust that the CIA and all these other intelligence agencies are never, ever, ever listening in. | |
| Even though Google have been proven, along with Apple, to have all our personal information Ever. | |
| And Facebook has our personal information ever. | |
| I'm still going to spy on myself because instead of clicking play on my playlist, I want to say to Amazon Echo, can you play Britney Spears? | |
| What kind of fucking moron are you? | |
| Just click play on a playlist. | |
| Do you have to bug yourself and give up your entire personal fucking privacy because you don't want to click play? | |
| Is it that much more convenient? | |
| I refuse to believe it's more convenient. | |
| I'm a multi-millionaire. | |
| There's been times in my life... | |
| I'm sitting in a room with pure scumbag criminals with a million dollars in cash and 20 big booty hoes and a bunch of unlicensed firearms. | |
| The last thing I need is fucking Amazon Echo listening to my fucking conversation. | |
| And if you're sitting here thinking, oh well, I don't do those kind of things, so it's fine for me. | |
| No, it's not. | |
| Because we live in an era of absolute destruction upon the modern Western male. | |
| And I'll tell you something, one day when there's a girl around your house, You've just been out, you're drinking, whatever, whatever. | |
| You're sitting there drinking, you give her a kiss, say, I'll come to the room. | |
| Oh, I don't know. | |
| Oh, come on, come on. | |
| Oh, I'm not sure. | |
| Okay. | |
| And eventually she agrees and goes with you. | |
| And then she turns around and accuses you of rape later on. | |
| You can say, well, she, I asked her to come and eventually she agreed and they listened to your Amazon Echo. | |
| And she said, well, she did agree, but she did actually say no. | |
| And then she agreed. | |
| And then it fucking put you in jail, some Amazon Echo bullshit. | |
| There's like six girls in this house and they won't shut the fuck up. | |
| All some Amazon Echo bullshit. | |
| You're gonna be sitting there going, was it really worth it to play my music a millisecond faster? | |
| Is it even quicker to say, Amazon Echo, play Backstreet Boys quicker than Click and playing your fucking Backstreet Boys? | |
| No! | |
| Talking to devices is stupid. | |
| Bugging yourself is fucking stupid. | |
| Talking to, hey Siri, hey Bixby, anal dildo, largest anal dildo on Amazon. | |
| Hey Amazon Echo, huge anal dildo, get a fucking life! | |
| I hate that shit. | |