This Past Weekend - Theo Von - #609 - Chris Distefano

Sept. 10, 2025 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

01:29:24

#609 - Chris Distefano

Chris Distefano is a stand-up comedian, podcaster and host from New York City. Check out his podcast “History Hyenas” with Yannis Pappas available everywhere. Chris returns to talk about the new art of predator hunting, his thoughts on who could be the next mayor of New York, and why he’s locked in on being more present every day. Chris Distefano: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdcomedy/ ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ Moonpay: Head over to https://www.moonpay.com/theo to sign up Morgan and Morgan: Visit https://forthepeople.com/THEO to see if you might have a case. Morgan and Morgan. America's Largest Injury Law Firm. Sonic: Redeem the BOGO Sonic Smasher offer once a week in the app or online now thru 9/29: https://www.sonicdrivein.com/menu/burgers/sonic-smasher/ Perplexity AI: Ask anything at https://pplx.ai/theo and download their new web browser Comet at https://comet.perplexity.ai/ ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn Bishop Gunn - Shine ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Trevyn https://www.instagram.com/trevyn.s/ Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Time	Text
	Today's guest is a stand-up comedian out of New York City.
	He's performing this Thursday at the Madison Square Garden Theater on 9-11.
	I'm thankful to have him back in studio, the recently engaged Mr. Chris DeStefano.
	Shine on me and I will find a song I've been singing.
	I love DeStefano.
	You're pretty good.
	Yeah, dude, is ra I guess race is racism still alive.
	Do you think?
	What do you think is really going on with racism?
	With racism, what I really think is going on is I think that it's turning around now, and now it's pretty much just whites and blacks coming together to be racist against the Chinese.
	You do?
	Yeah.
	So that's what I think is the is the nice thing about racism is we're kind of everybody's teaming up now.
	You know?
	And so it's about a common enemy because it used to be white versus black, but that's not at all what it is anymore.
	And Latinos have been absorbed up into white, and it's everything is just not Chinese Americans, just chuck people from China.
	Okay.
	That's where it seems to be going now.
	Well, the uh some black folks were beating up the Chinese during the COVID stuff.
	Remember that?
	That was the big thing.
	That was I have, you know, I have a lot of friends, obviously, by my haircut, you know, and you've known me for a long time, but I have a lot of friends who are in the NYPD.
	Um, and I have an honorary police badge just for the my just because of the way I look.
	I was just given one.
	You know, like some people get like uh honorary doctorate, like Bill Cosby, the G, OG.
	I got an honorary NYPD just because of my look.
	Oh, I could see you breaking that out, like in a bat men's bathhouse or something like that.
	Everybody down.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And mouths open.
	Yeah, you know, I'm on a big group chat with like 30 cops, and anytime there's like a protest, they'll just they'll just be they'll they'll just start writing CS.
	And I'm like, what the hell is that?
	And they're like, cracking skulls.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Just start coming out.
	Coffin time.
	That's what it is.
	Yeah.
	But I think that um you really think that because I racism, like, you know, it's just it's gotten into like when I was young, it was like, I don't want to say it was nice or whatever, but it was just it was easy.
	It was like, yeah, okay, everybody was a certain thing, and you kind of got to pick them out and you knew who was gonna pick on you type of thing.
	Yeah, but then people started getting so mixed.
	It's like you almost need um like a calculator.
	You almost you're like, well, what is I, you know, what I'm only gonna be racist against a half of this person or a quarter of them.
	It's like it's just too confusing now.
	Right.
	Well, it's too confusing.
	It's like when you started doing fractions when you were like in fourth grade.
	And it's also like everybody is every race and everybody's every gender, and everyone, like I have it even in my own family, because you know, I got my kids are half white, half Latino, and you know, I have a 10-year-old daughter and a four-year-old daughter, and there's even division there.
	Like my 10-year-old has chosen to be more Latina, and my four-year-old's chosen to be more white.
	That's what's up.
	And and so I'll have my four-year-old multiple times, multiple times.
	My four-year-old has, you know, because she's they're learning these kids are so damn good on the iPad now, multiple times.
	My four-year-old has been fully on FaceTime with ice agents trying to get my 10-year-old locked up.
	And then it's like, you know, do you put them because I and I put them in time out, but you're like, is that enough?
	And timeout is what the government's trying to put them in.
	So you're like, is it just like a practice?
	Like, you know, I think these days for I think for Latino kids, you gotta make timeout intense.
	Right.
	You know, you it to at least get them ready in case they get picked up.
	That's what actually, it's funny you say that.
	That's what I've been implementing in my house.
	I have a little room in my uh basement.
	Alligator Alcatraz.
	Well, uh, we actually call it Guantanamo Bay.
	Yeah.
	And so we have it set up.
	We have like a little video camera there.
	We put them all in, you know, masks when they go down there.
	And it's a whole thing to get them set up because the truth is, man, is if one one of my children has chosen to be white, and one of my chosen children has chosen to be Latino.
	That's on them.
	That's on them, and it to cause division with, you know, my wife and I, like I have to now choose, you know, and obviously I choose white.
	Yeah, you know, as you have.
	I don't, I mean, have I mean, I think I these days I am on the uh the fence, you know, or like how how do you say the fence in Spanish?
	Bring that up.
	La fence.
	You think that's French?
	No, you used to.
	Now, do you think she's cute?
	How old is she?
	For real, right?
	But no.
	But what's it with we're in we're in Tennessee, so I don't know what's this, what's the age?
	I mean, I'll say it excuse a little, but nothing to drive down here for.
	I just want to say I love Celsius.
	It's not like the old days.
	I might I'm gonna need some today.
	Really?
	Oh, you're not feeling?
	I'm sorry, man.
	No, I'm okay.
	Let's go through some of the stuff you've said already because Yeah, I do think you know, these days they're picking up so many people for so many things that at home timeouts should be more extensive for these kids.
	It's gotta be more intense.
	You gotta put them under a bright lamp or something like that.
	You gotta, you know, tape their feet to the floor and tickle them.
	Like you gotta do things that are gonna prep them.
	Well, yeah, and also too, I like I prepare my children, you know, for because you know, for like uh kidnappings and things like that, because with all the Netflix content and just content in general that needs to come out, you have to think that networks and streamers are gonna start to just do things for the content.
	So they will just let a serial killer loose or just pay a dude to just kind of get out there and kidnap kids so they have the story.
	So you have to, you know, my kids want to get into acting, so maybe that's the way.
	Well, you know, they just started a lot of those uh pediophiles that they're busting of it air at Target.
	You've seen these TikToks.
	No, that's it.
	What the beautiful thing have you seen them?
	I haven't because I've been off social media.
	I'm not on social.
	I've I've I've went away.
	I just let my kids go on it.
	That's fine.
	I just let them, I just let them kind of get all the energy out on social media, let them make profiles, talk to whomever they want, and I'm not on it.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Oh, you gotta keep the breadwinner safe.
	Yeah, dude, I gotta, you know, my brain gotta be here.
	Yeah.
	Um, no, dude, I was thinking that there a lot of uh the pediophiles that are now, I guess they always now it's not even cops busting them, it's just like dudes busting them.
	It's like regular dude, they'll just wander up on a guy and they're like, So who you here to see, you know?
	Right.
	And it's just some guy, and but the you know, the guy has been flirt flirting with a child online, a pro a hypothetical child.
	The other guy who's busting him has been sitting around pretending to be a child, right?
	Making sexual advances, or I don't want to say that entirely, but communicating sexually with uh a hypothetical adult, because at that point they don't know they're online.
	Which both sides of it, like definitely the predator is that's it, that's a crime.
	The other side also has to be a little bit weird at a certain times.
	Like the psyche that happens if all day or six hours a day for four days a week, you're sitting there pretending to be a child and like responding to like sexual advances of adults has to be kind of weird.
	It's yes, but then they get them to these places, and instead of busting them, now they're doing things where there's physical challenges and they let them go if they can complete the physical challenge.
	Yeah.
	I mean, it's kind of a genius move because it's like it's kind of like you know, um uh American Ninja Warrior meets Chris Hanson.
	Yeah, which is kind of dope.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah, it's kind of interesting because we have to get to that level.
	But I think, yeah, I unfortunately now everything you you gotta know what's content.
	Everything in some ways is content.
	So what I like to do is I I don't film it, I just do it for the great greater good.
	Is I there was a dude in the um local uh Buffalo Wild Wings in the mall near my house, and what he was doing is he was sitting in the stall and he had little can he had cameras coming out of his pants up onto his shoes, shooting up, filming up, and he would look for little kids.
	I mean he's slide the camera under the body.
	He would slide this shoe under and it would be just taking snapshots and videos of little kids on the toilet.
	So what I would do is I would go in there and I had to uh uh you know, I call it a fake baby penis, but it was just my actual penis that looks relatively you know, like a baby penis not circumcised, kind of just there.
	I actually still have the umbilical cord.
	It kind of looks like an Audi belly button.
	Yeah, you've seen it before.
	Yeah, exactly.
	So and I still got the umbilical cord, so I just had them, I I would just have them take pictures of my you know, baby dick and balls, and then we bust them like that, and I wouldn't even call the police, it would just be my friends from the group chat.
	I would just say CS.
	And they would just start cracking this dude's skulls.
	And then that's how we'd get them off the streets because you do gotta think I agree with you.
	You know, these people that expose the pedophiles, it's like you're not a pedophile, but you're also not doing it for the greater good.
	It's like I think there has to be some weird psychological thing that has to mess with you after a while.
	Um, bring up what some of the uh those pedophiles that were completing the challenges and stuff.
	Can you do can you see that?
	You're you look a kind of beefy, dude, uh up in the shoulders, like you're stronger now.
	I have been in, I've been in the gym.
	Yeah.
	I'm feeling tired, though.
	Do you think you have early stage COVID?
	What do you what are you tired from?
	Do you think?
	Bro, I don't.
	You have to first of all fully believe in COVID to even get it, I believe.
	100%.
	But they're just getting stronger.
	That's great.
	And then they let him back in the lot.
	It's like they're just getting stronger.
	Yeah, well, that's they're getting some of them are doing hurdles.
	One guy had to eat like 40 eggs, and it's like, okay, now he's now you got mad protein, and you can grab any kid you want.
	Well, it's just it they're getting stronger.
	So do you think then the solution is obviously to give the kids guns?
	Would that be the solution?
	I don't know.
	I know that's gonna be.
	Because that's what's gonna happen is the first active shooter's gonna go in with a plan and get shot by the students right away and just feel like an idiot.
	What if they had a dude named Guantanamo Bay, right?
	B A E, and he was just like this gay dude in the like in Guantanamo that was just like slurping everybody, everything's fine.
	Dude, I would I would want to get arrested.
	You would be that you'd be a great guy to be Guantanamo Bay.
	And I know how to play both sides in order to play Latino and gay.
	Easily I have both dudes living inside me right now.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Well, I think I mean, yeah, I think look, if that's how you feel, I'm not, I'm not, you know.
	I'm uh I don't know.
	I'll tell you how I feel about that.
	So my pronouns are he, nosotros.
	Yes, he no sort.
	Wait, no soteros.
	What's just treating nosotros and vosotros?
	Vosotros means um us.
	What is nosotros mean?
	We got it.
	I think that's it.
	Oh, vosotros means you.
	Sorry, I think it's formal.
	Can you hit that accent?
	Because I'm God, no, dude.
	I'll have two kids right now.
	Yo, do you want kids, man?
	Yeah, I want some.
	I want to get into that, dude.
	But I do want to also ask you, though.
	Um, yeah, what did you think about?
	Oh, they just had that Drewski clip that came up.
	I want to talk about that.
	About do you see that?
	Um, no, but I'd love to see it.
	It's it's cool to not know what's going on in the world at all.
	And it's also cool to catch up with you when I don't even know what's going on in your life.
	Well, this is the kind of thing that's happened, and we will get into that because I know last time you were here, we had a huge conversation for two hours.
	It was Valentine's Day.
	We talked about love.
	We talked about where we were at.
	That must have been years ago, dude.
	It was a couple years ago.
	You've had some um you've had some big things happen in your in your life.
	Yep.
	Where you uh have been forced into marriage by a semi-ilegal alien, and we're gonna talk about that.
	Yes.
	We're gonna talk about that.
	But first, I want to talk a little bit more about race and race baiting.
	Okay.
	Um, cross-racial behaviors right here.
	Uh, this is a clip that of a white male, let's see, um, that Drewski put together.
	Okay.
	Here's the love.
	Here's the honor.
	If you can't come in her, come on her!
	Yeah!
	Or the U.S. I think this is a Jason Kelsey impersonation, also.
	Look at this.
	Hey, Joanna.
	Hey, come on.
	You didn't learn to your nano.
	Cedar point.
	Hey, you lost, Bob?
	No, I'm going to the race.
	What right?
	NASCAR race.
	You going to NASCAR?
	Yes, sir.
	Okay.
	You ain't lost, is you?
	What is this?
	Do you think that kind of racism happens that much really?
	Or this is more like in movies type shit.
	It's in.
	I mean, look, dude, I live in New York, so I don't know what it's like in the South, but I know racism exists.
	I also know that it's kept alive by the media and the internet and all that stuff because there's so many people that make so much profit off it that you're like, but I mean, I think that's fine.
	I mean, Drewski doing that is is just like a good bit.
	But I should be able to then fully dress black.
	Well, that's where I'm going, right?
	Because at this point, it's like, yeah, this is hilarious, right?
	Like, I thought the part with the black dude was great.
	So it's so it's tough to watch because you're like, is he now perpetuating this thing that that I don't I don't think that shit happens, dude.
	Like, you know what I'm saying?
	I grew up in areas with a lot of racism, you know.
	I've dabbled in it.
	Sure.
	But I I don't see that kind of I mean, I think you see that shit like in a time to kill an old movie.
	Or like, you know, like in the heat of the night, you know.
	And that's just my percep perception.
	But I don't even know if a lot of my black friends would say that they see that kind of shit.
	Maybe they do, though.
	Maybe I'm completely blind.
	Maybe.
	But I think at this point it's like you could do that.
	Somebody could do a black face if they wanted to.
	Right.
	To create humor in it.
	Do you think so?
	I mean, I guess you can you can try.
	I think you could try whatever you want.
	You could try.
	I think you do it up.
	You try whatever you want.
	I don't have me personally, I wouldn't do it.
	Not because of just because I don't have the comedy behind.
	You wouldn't look good as a as a as an African American.
	Exactly, dude.
	And I all because I got a lot of skin tags.
	So even if I went like blackface or black full body, because I I would most likely just go black chest.
	Oh, I go black arms and legs, and I get out on the court and I'd ball.
	Right.
	And I would keep the face right, but I got a lot of skin tags and moles and stuff, so it wouldn't look right.
	But I think every in the name of comedy, I say give it a try.
	Yeah.
	That's why with Drewski, I mean that was funny to me.
	Give it a try.
	Any white person that's offended by that is just, you know, they're kind of Guantanamo Bay in a way.
	Yeah.
	You know?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	In a way, dude.
	Everybody's kind of just a little bit sensitive.
	And you really start to feel better about your life.
	I think ultimately when you come.
	Well, again, I won't want to, I don't generalize anything anymore.
	Me specifically, I started to feel so much better and happier when I just got off social media because I was like, oh, the regular all the racism and drama, it's all happening in the comments of people that you don't know.
	Any anybody, I've made a decision in my life.
	If I don't know you personally, you don't affect me at all.
	Positive or negative.
	You could tell me how great I am, doesn't matter.
	You could tell me how much I suck, doesn't matter.
	You could t call me any name in the book, don't care.
	Unless I personally knew you.
	If you, Theo Vaughn was like, hey, Chris, this, you're a f or whatever.
	Exactly.
	Well, dude, I mean, that's that's how we talk, man.
	I would just I would just look at my last text from you.
	Yeah, facts, facts.
	But no, I just think I like I love this in the name of comedy.
	I think it's the kind of comedy that's fun and that you need.
	Yeah.
	And I think like if somebody were doing something messed up and that is racist, I think you can feel that undeniably.
	To me, you can't be racist and funny.
	It's one or the other.
	Like you can't, you can't be hateful.
	You can't be you can't be racist and hateful.
	Like they're like, you know, like Hitler, Hitler wasn't funny.
	You know what I mean?
	He was racist, but he wasn't funny.
	Well, who might have been a little funny, but you know, the racist stuff he'd he was doing wasn't funny, but he could have been funny outside his racism.
	That I don't know.
	Did he have a sense of humor?
	Will you bring that up if Hitler had a sense of humor?
	Yeah.
	I think he did.
	Um, nature of Hitler's humor.
	Hitler's humor was often sarcastic or offensive, sometimes involved pranks directed at his associates.
	Examples include telling politically charged or racially derogatory jokes at public events and meetings and making light of aggressive or threatening situations.
	His jokes tended to reinforce Nazi ideology.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	Or humiliate perceived enemies.
	Well, there's memes online of him and uh Gring, who was the head of the Lufois for the Air Force, them just laughing.
	That's a lot of times in the group chat that gif will get sent around with Hitler and Goof and Luffy and uh Goring just laughing.
	Well, they're probably off work for a little while.
	Yeah, I mean, you can't you're not on all the time.
	A specific example of Hitler's humor is the elaborate prank he played on his foreign press chief, Ernest Hung's Humpstangle.
	Hammstengle.
	Hamstangel.
	Putzel.
	Hitzer convinced Hamstangel that he would have to parachute behind enemy lines during the Spanish Civil War as part of a dangerous mission.
	Hamstangel terrified and confused, spent hours circling the German countryside by plane before the pilot revealed the truth and landed safely.
	Another account concerns Hitler's cold willingness to use jokes to humiliate or intimidate others.
	For example, Hitler reportedly joked with Ermann Goring.
	Goring, Mr. Head, guy.
	That to make the people of Berlin happy, he should jump off the radio tower.
	A joke that became wildly told and led to harsh punishment for those who repeated it publicly.
	That's the thing.
	I don't know if you ever done comedy in Germany, but they tell you you go to do comedy in Germany.
	You cannot make fun of Nazis.
	You can't, you can't do any of that.
	Really?
	Like you can't make any jokes about it at all.
	They just don't want to hear about it.
	They said you could get deported for that.
	I was like, you mean make fun of it like you mean like don't condone it or like don't make fun of the Nazis because that's what you guys like, fuck what?
	Like you guys are proud of that.
	And he was like, it's up to you.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	It is have to you.
	It's yeah, which sounds a little bit risque, right there.
	Right.
	Yeah.
	Nazi humor is heavily restricted and can be considered illegal for comedians in Germany, especially if it involves Nazi propaganda symbols or Holocaust denial.
	Right.
	Due to strict laws prohibiting such content.
	Huh.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, dude.
	Oh, you know who was about to go to Germany who was uh Jim Jeffries is about to go there.
	Yeah?
	Yeah.
	And why why didn't he go?
	I think he said he that he has uh issues with audiences there, like he's selling everywhere in Europe except for some reason, not in Germany.
	Well, it seems like they don't have the best sense of humor, right?
	It seems like because they went through a lot, and I feel like but I when I did my shows there, I did a show in um Munich, and they were having fun, man.
	Yeah.
	They were having fun.
	You just you, you know, like, you know, you you stay away from the Nazi stuff, you don't make fun of them, and if anything all fails, you Judan, Juden, which is Jew, do a bit about that.
	Really?
	It's all good.
	You know what's interesting.
	What do you say?
	Juden?
	Juden.
	I yeah, I was I was calling myself Judan Foster.
	Like Judy Foster.
	I was like, Judan Foster, and they were laughing at that.
	Like, God, she's not aged well.
	Yeah, yeah.
	She's on hormones.
	I do kind of look like a lesbian a little bit, right?
	You look like the lambs have been screaming right in your face.
	Yeah, bro.
	I know.
	Some people will tell me that.
	Oh, I was thinking Jody Foster.
	Jodie, that's what I said, Judan Foster.
	Oh, Judy.
	But I yeah, Nell from Nell.
	Remember Nell when she was just like uh he's going to burn on the green.
	Her born in the woods.
	Mel Carter?
	Well, no, Nell, Nell, there was a movie Nell where she's raised by wolves.
	And she just has a full bush.
	Oh, I don't like that kind of shit.
	You don't like pubic hair?
	Huh?
	When you have to manipulate all those vaginas before you had this comedy career, though, you have to uh run into some bush.
	We used to talk about that a lot.
	I'm not against it.
	I believe in like if I were a time traveler or something, yeah.
	Right.
	I'd get used to it.
	You know?
	Um because it's only recently.
	How long did women have bushes for?
	It's that it's hundreds of thousands of years.
	But the whole thing about women not having bushes just started recently.
	That's the thing.
	And that who knows what the effect of that is on children.
	Yeah.
	Also, circumcisions, too.
	Like you can cut the foreskin straight off your son's piece, and that's kind of a new thing.
	You don't know what that's gonna do to him.
	Oh, they're mailing some of those over to those tech lords in Israel.
	I think they're chopping.
	Those are fucking gummy bears for those guys.
	Because they can you can be pedophile there, and they don't they eat it.
	I mean Israel?
	Yeah.
	Sweet.
	I think you can go there.
	I was supposed to go to Chicago tonight.
	Maybe I'll go to Tel Aviv, baby.
	Don't go.
	You have two kids, dude.
	You don't want anybody getting the wrong idea.
	Oh shit.
	And you're jacked.
	You're like, oh, this guy's beating three challenges.
	Yeah, you think so?
	I had a blueberry muffin today, too.
	I put protein in everything.
	Let me see what this says.
	Women do not stop having pubic hair.
	Trends in grooming and styling of pubic hair have changed throughout history, with the 1980s and 1990s bringing a boom in grooming that included styles for being bare.
	But 2010s and 2020s saw a resurgence of the natural bush style.
	Um, it's definitely interesting that that that kind of took on.
	Who was the first woman to have uh bare pubic hair?
	Like who fully shaved it?
	Yeah.
	I mean, that's like the first person that had a convertible open.
	You're like, Whoa.
	Yeah, the first person to think to shave that.
	It is impossible to definitively name the first woman to have fully shaven pubic hair publicly, as it was historical practice long before the advent of modern media and documentation.
	Okay.
	So it's been around for a long time.
	Right.
	In ancient Egypt, Rome and Greece, for hygiene status and beauty.
	Upper class Roman and Egyptian women, for instance, use tools like pumice stones, razors, tweezers, and sugaring to achieve hairlessness.
	Wow.
	So if you had like a bunch of hair or you had like a 50-pound test rope coming out of there.
	Yeah.
	Dude, would you ever shave your head with a pumice stone?
	That would look dude.
	Do you think he'll shave your head?
	One day when I have children, and once my wife leaves me.
	Yeah, that's when you'll do it.
	Yeah, because then I'll go to court for alimony and be like, oh, he's not doing good.
	We gotta let him keep a little bit of money.
	Now, is that full?
	Is that your all your real hair?
	Oh yeah.
	Dude, that's it's crazy, dude.
	I actually got great hair.
	I've been shedding recently this past like month, dude.
	Really?
	Yeah, a lot of times people will shed in like August and September.
	So you didn't get that in Turkey.
	That's your natural hair.
	Now I've had hair taken out of the back and put into the front once.
	Oh, good.
	How did that feel?
	I don't think I needed it.
	I think I actually was going through a ton of stress and I lost hair, and then it all like a lot of it grew back.
	Yeah, and I like that the way it looks with a hat is pretty good too.
	You you look good.
	There's somebody, somebody out there right now, woman right there out and has bush, has grown out her bush and cut it like that.
	Hundred percent.
	I guarantee there's a lady out there with pin straight pubic hair.
	She's probably most likely Asian.
	They have the straightest hair.
	And she's made it into that because she's a fan.
	You know?
	That would be nice.
	Sometimes people come to shows and they'll have like fun wigs on and stuff.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, but if you had a woman that had that just solid hair, I mean that thing braided in it, just like it looked like a damn the chin of a professional wrestler.
	Great, you know, in the 80s or 90s.
	And looking at you, I don't know if anyone's inside me if anyone's ever said this before, but you have the kind of look, you have a very unique look where you look like you're from the past, but also from the future at the same time.
	Has anyone ever said that to you?
	Or have you ever thought about that?
	You look, think about it.
	Think about it.
	People watching, take a look at Theo.
	He looks like, you know, obviously, like could be in the Civil War, like a Civil War painting from the past, but then he also looks like a woman from the future.
	Hey girl.
	Right.
	Yeah.
	Oh, I look like a black woman from the future, dude.
	Yo, it looks great.
	And I'm happy that I'm seeing it now, dude.
	Yeah, bro.
	This bus is late.
	Hell yeah, dude.
	Where's my chick?
	I can't wait.
	It's crazy, man.
	I'm happy we're doing this.
	Oh, dude.
	We used to have, I remember there would be like this drunk black woman when we're our school bus would go by, she would come in and bang on the driver's side, which is not even a door, it's just a window, right?
	For the driver of the bus, and she'd be like, Where's my check?
	Like, like that lady was like the bus driver's supposed to bring like her government uh money or whatever.
	So dumb.
	What the fuck is going on?
	Yeah, well, how I don't have your check lady.
	She yelled at us, kids, we'd be out looking out the window because you'd be curious.
	You'd be like, tell him motherfuckers I need that money.
	Right.
	And what are you supposed to have money in your pencil case?
	We don't have any money.
	Yeah, dude.
	We're kids, man.
	Yeah.
	Yo, you want a baloney sandwich with no crust?
	You think any of us have money?
	We all got picked up within the same three blocks on this bus.
	Yeah.
	Bitcoin hit an all-time high of 124,000 in August, which is pretty wild considering that last year at this time it was about $60,000.
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	This fall, Sonic is bringing football fans the burger they deserve with the Sonic Smasher.
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	Legendary move.
	Just like the buy one, get one free deal on Sonic Smashers.
	Offer valid once a week in the app through 928.
	Gotta hurry.
	Offer ends.
	928.
	Oh, damn, dude.
	What's going on, dude?
	You have a show coming up at uh Madison Square Garden.
	Yeah, the well, the theater at Madison Square Garden was supposed to be the arena, but then the ticket sales dictated to go to the basement, baby.
	That's all right.
	Now you know what happened?
	I bit off more than I could chew.
	About six months ago, I put I said they came to me, they're like, oh, a show on September 11th.
	Um that's lit.
	That's lit.
	So they said, you know, want to make it a day.
	So I said I I had done 2023.
	I did Radio City and Theater at MSG back to back night.
	So they were like, let's try the arena.
	You know, because I'm from New York.
	Yeah.
	And then the ticket sales, they were just not moving.
	And like everybody, like I had an opportunity, I had a decision.
	They were like, look, you could either wait, we see a a huge increase in ticket sales a week before ish.
	That's the way the trends are now for certain people.
	Or they were like, you could just pull the plug right now and we can move it downstairs to the theater.
	And I just said, you know what, man, I'm gonna I know me, I know my brain, I know my heart.
	I'm gonna carry a lot of stress for six, seven months.
	And I said, me doing the arena is definitely a goal and a dream, and we'll try again.
	But a lot of it was just ego, so I was like, move it to the theater, and now the theater is all but sold out, and I haven't stressed about it in six months.
	It's gonna be amazing.
	Family's gonna come, and then I, you know, I'm gonna I'm gonna detonate a suicide vest at at the end of it.
	Oh, take everybody down.
	You needed some sort of fireworks at the end.
	Yeah, um, also inviting people into the city on 9-11 is a wild move.
	It was a wild move.
	Yeah, I it I I made a ton of mistakes, but I had a manager back then who had a ponytail.
	So we were making wild moves back then.
	So we're not together anymore.
	He's still my boy, but I was like, yo, dude, because he told me he booked me for this, the arena on 9-11, and then he told me to hold 5 p.m. the same day open because he thought I could do 15,000 seats and at a stadium in Forest Hills, Queens.
	So he thought I could sell 30,000 tickets, and I sold like 2,000.
	But he said it, but when he was saying it to me, it was crazy because he was like, you know, obviously on Coke, and he had the ponytail and the glasses on, and he was wearing bathing suit shorts and like uh like a button up top, and it was December.
	And he was eating a fruit cup, yeah.
	And he was eating a fruit cup, and he was like, I get you could do it, baby.
	He was like, I know you could do it.
	I know you could do it.
	So you get pumped up, and then he put me on this arena tour, and then we have to cancel them all.
	Yeah, yeah.
	So I like him.
	I respect him for really, you know, swinging, but you know, we have the same agent, but my agent was like telling me from the beginning, was like, this is a dumb idea.
	And I said, dude, look at him.
	He knows what he's talking about.
	Look at his ponytails, sleek, he uses herbalescence.
	I'm like my agent was like, All right, dude, the guy has two barrettes in it.
	Yeah, come on, dude.
	I was like, look at him.
	He wears a child's headband.
	Yeah, dude, this guy is legit.
	I said, I might fire you and hire him.
	And then after a week of the ticket sales, you know, agent was like, pull it.
	Pull it.
	Yeah, and then he was like, fire the job.
	Yeah, so we're still cool, that guy, and I are still cool.
	I hope he's still alive.
	Um, but I'm at the theater there, and then uh, and but you know what, man, it's one of those things, and my little daughter taught me my well, my older daughter, my 10-year-old, because I was a little bummed about this because I was a big moment in time for me.
	I was like, Oh, daddy's gonna get to do the arena.
	I almost wanted to do the arena at MSG because it would almost set me free.
	Uh, because that was my only real goal I've ever had to do comedy.
	A lot of guys, you know, girls, they bees they do comedy for all their different reasons.
	My only reasons I ever left my physical therapy job was to do the arena at MSG and to have a sitcom about my father.
	Those are the only things I've ever cared about.
	So I almost felt like if I could get that one, it would almost set me free because the everyday stress of this of this career, sometimes it, you know, it it plays with you.
	Because you had the sitcom, right?
	Well, I had a sitcom pilot.
	So but I'm hoping I still I have one in development now, so I'm hoping that I could get that one and just suffer at least one of the two and then set the sights on the arena because I don't I don't know that I'm a guy that does stand up forever.
	I'm not I'm already mentally being like it's it's very difficult for me to go on the road and be away from the family.
	Yeah, when I started this, I didn't have a family, but now that I do, I'm like, man, this weighing the so I'm looking for real opportunities to just stay in New York, you know, that's where I live.
	So my kids are and my wife and kids.
	So so but so but my daughter, what she told me was I guess she had just learned it in school.
	I was like upset when we had to pull the arena because it was like this whole big exciting thing for me.
	The daughter was upset.
	Well, my daughter was well, yeah, because I mean, you know, she's got upset because she has to tell her friends in school, like my dad's a loser, right?
	So she had to say that.
	So she told him that, but then she was like, But she said to she said to me uh when I was upset about it, she was like, Oh, it's all right, Daddy.
	She was like, remember, in in this life, there's no losses, just learning.
	And I was like, nice.
	That's it.
	Wow, she said that?
	She's well, I say my daughter, but it was actually Giannis Papas, who I do the history hypnous podcast with.
	But he looks like my daughter.
	Oh, yeah.
	That's what's going on.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Because my daughter looks like Maurice.
	Oh, it's a beautiful.
	Those are the first words.
	She went, yeah.
	Yeah.
	So me and Yanna, so we got the history hyena's pod.
	And so it's back.
	It's back, bro.
	We we came back about a year ago.
	Him and I, him and I, you know, we we we kissed and made up.
	Um, well, we 69 each other, and then and then uh, and dude, this has been some of the most fun I've had doing comedy again because it's is it's you're talking with your with your friend about history, what I love in New York City, which I love, and it's a place for me to stay in New York, and we really just have a lot of fun uh doing the history of high units together.
	Oh, that well, that I learned.
	That's the thing.
	I like sitting next to someone where I'm actually learning and laughing.
	So that's it.
	That's it.
	I mean, really, the premise of the show is you know, we talk about a history topic, but he typically knows much more than I do, and I'm kind of learning through him and peppering and jokes and all that stuff.
	But it it's it's great.
	And uh Yeah, just getting to see you guys back together is great.
	Also just being like I mean, I think you definitely realize as you get older, it's like, you know, having some connectivity, being around your friend is like one of the best things.
	And this is out every week.
	Every single week.
	We we come out every Thursday.
	Awesome.
	And my message is is if if me and Giannis could patch it up, Israel-Palestine, so can y'all.
	I saw the tagline actually for History Hyenas now.
	It says two chat GPT sluts.
	Yeah, because it used to be two Wikipedia slutts.
	But that comes see history in a different way.
	Yeah, that comes see history in a different way.
	Two chat GPT slutts that come see history in a different way.
	Yeah, dude.
	And and on our on our Patreon, I don't know if you guys do Patreon here, but on our Patreon, dude, like that we've we've just been him and I have been going crazy because basically, you know, when we first did this show, the rules on YouTube were different, right?
	Like in 2017, 18, 19, YouTube wasn't as strict as it is now.
	So we almost almost are kind of feeling like the show that we used to do for free on YouTube is uh can only exist on the Patreon.
	And the show we do on YouTube is definitely dope.
	But we are like, man, dude, we we came out and we put out these episodes that we thought were good, and YouTube just kept dinging us.
	Yeah.
	So we're like, yo, now we got we can only have fun on the Patreon.
	But you know, for me, man, uh it's it's it's I'm solely focused.
	Like I have I never had goals in this, and I never I was always flying by the seat of my pants, really for my whole life, but now I'm like so laser focused on anything I can do to stay in New York City and make as many of pickup and drop-offs at my kids as possible.
	That's what I'm looking for.
	So like the idea, even if you you know, somebody came to me and said, I'll give you X amount that'll change your life financially, but it's a world tour.
	I would say no.
	Yeah, I would say I can't do it.
	Time has literally become more valuable than money to me right now because of my because I think my kids reach that age where I'm like, oh, when they're little, it's one thing, but when they're older and you're missing everything, you're like, oh, okay, hold on, hold on.
	What's the priorities?
	And then you like the kids.
	Like, I think if the kids hit four or six years old and you're like, uh-uh.
	Yeah, dude.
	I got a buddy, his son, right?
	And bless him.
	Bless him, Benjamin.
	That's my buddy's name.
	And his son, he named his son fucking Benjamin.
	I'm like, you fucking loser.
	He didn't even think about it.
	What a dick.
	He didn't even think about the wife was unconscious or whatever because of the the breath was it's a black guy, and he's like, Yeah, it was a hot birth.
	And he's like, just give him Benjamin, you know.
	And he goes, and I'll change my name.
	And the nurse's like, no, you don't, that's not how you do it.
	Like, he thought you could do it, like, if he names a kid Benjamin, then he's not Benjamin anymore.
	I'm like, yeah, this fucking guy should not have a kid, right?
	Right.
	But yeah, it he's at the point now.
	He's like, dude, me and my kid have nothing in common.
	I'm like, dude, it's not how it works.
	It's not like you got put with a roommate like your first year at like Nickel State or something.
	I mean, you're just doing your best, you know.
	Yeah.
	You have to be the leader in the relationship.
	But yeah, I think if you get to a certain point and your kid is just like, you know, he's not doing at least pulling a little bit of weight.
	It's gotta be kind of tough.
	Well, that's the thing.
	Well, uh like I said, my daughters are, you know, they're motivated, as I said in the beginning of the show.
	I mean, my four-year-old has got, you know, a point of view.
	She calls legitimate, says, I'm racist against Latinos, and I call ice on my own family.
	Yeah.
	For me, it's country first, and I trust, I loved, I mean, every password on my phone, on my keylock, Any you want to break it to my house or break into anything I own.
	You want my bin, my bank pin password.
	You know what the only four digits that it would ever be.
	You know what they are?
	000.
	1776, baby, the year of this country.
	And my daughter, my little one, takes that.
	And then my older one, you know, like I said, she's more Latina.
	Extortion.
	Extortion, gang violence, things like that.
	And they are, and they've picked lanes, which I really respect and love.
	I like that.
	Look, and then and then the but there is a little division because obviously the older one is is pro-Palestine and the little one's pro-Israel.
	I like that shit.
	Yeah.
	Well, I think here's one thing, dude, is a lot of like Latinos, too.
	I saw, I actually, actually, one of your daughters sent me a picture, and the I the pro ice one.
	Yeah.
	She's had a tattoo on her back and said, This ice don't melt on it.
	Yes.
	No, for real.
	It's crazy, right?
	I know.
	Dude, she literally all she wants for Christmas is she asked me when I told her I was doing your pod.
	She was like, oh, cool.
	She went, bet, bet, bet.
	That's what she mostly says, bet, bet, bet.
	She said, bet, bet bet.
	And then I said, and then, and then she gave me like a little piece of paper.
	And she was calling something, she can only communicate really with her mom for some reason.
	Like I can I don't understand her words.
	And she said that when my wife translated, she said, Oh, she wants uh Charlie Kirk signed CD.
	Oh, okay.
	So I guess because she's they're American, you know.
	I don't know how you if you know Charlie Kirk or whatever.
	Never met him.
	I've certainly seen videos of him.
	I think he's uh uh I I am impressed with anybody who can think and speak at the same time.
	Yeah, and that's one thing that's to me is become one of the most impressive things.
	Guys like him, Ben Shapiro, Jordan Peterson, yeah, Joe Rogan, who can confidently speak at a valid speed, yes, and communicate effectively, dude.
	That's it.
	I am like a the second I open my mouth, I am just somebody who's drunk driving my throat.
	Yeah, but you like it's very risky.
	But you know what, dude?
	But you that bro, you know what's crazy?
	We've been doing this for like roughly an hour, and you've said risk K three times in three different contexts, which I respect and like about you, and I've always liked that about you.
	Well, first of all, Risk A also is an urban girl that I went to high school with.
	And I hope she's doing well, Risque Wilson.
	There was two kids that I went to high school with, their names, they were brothers.
	Their names were Majestic and Scientific Map.
	Nuh-uh.
	Yeah.
	I well, I didn't go to school with them, but they play basketball in a school around the time I was playing basketball, and those are two interesting brothers' names.
	I love that.
	You like that?
	Yeah, I just love that uh I think in black culture anything could be your name.
	That's true.
	Like we get like one out of about 110 names.
	Yeah.
	But in black culture, it could be it's fucking dude.
	The guy on the Jets was named DeBrickshaw.
	Yeah.
	DeBrickshaw Ferguson.
	His first name was DeBrickshaw.
	I met a girl her uh her son was named No Dante, right?
	She's like, I was gonna name him Dante, but I knew he was gonna be misbehaving.
	So I wanted to put no in front of her.
	Yo, like that's freaking that's genius, man.
	Um let's talk a little bit about what's going on in New York.
	I know right now you guys have mom Donnie.
	Do you think he'll be able to, he's running for mayor, right?
	He's probably gonna win too for mayor.
	He is, but that's why I've packed up and left New York City.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Well, I live with suburbs.
	Okay, so you've already left.
	Yeah.
	But what's that heat up there like?
	What's like what's going on?
	Do you notice any of it in the air or not?
	Um, I think um Donnie, you notice that people are starting.
	The New York Post, which is the only one I mess with, the New York Post really goes after him hard.
	Oh, they do.
	So there's a little bit of fear mongering, I think, amongst the media.
	Um, I do think that he probably has good intentions, but I think like most of us think is that you know, New York City is a city that you need millionaires and billionaires.
	And if you drive them all out with the tax with the tax hikes, then you're just gonna lose the the city.
	So I think that's the fear.
	I think I understand what he wants with, you know, people should pay their everybody should pay more fair taxes.
	I'm all with that.
	But he, you know, he has an idea of like raising the millionaires' tax millionaires, billionaires, like to like a level that they're just because I know people it's easy for people to say, oh, but they have so much money.
	It's like, yeah, but that's their mindset, how they got so much money, they never thought like that.
	So you're not gonna change some like 55-year-old like white dude's mindset, like he's about that money.
	So if you want him to stay and keep contributing to the tax burden, you gotta make it appetizing for him, or he's just gonna go to Florida or Tennessee or somewhere else, or she or they.
	Well, let me establish him a little bit.
	So Zoran, he is what ethnicity is he?
	Pakistani, I think, Is he or Indian?
	Zoran.
	You don't want to mess that up because Pakistan and India are you don't want to mess with the Zoran.
	You know, no.
	No way.
	Oh, yeah.
	There's Mom Donnie.
	He was born in Kampala, Uganda.
	Uh, yeah, to an Indian family.
	Okay, Zoran Mamdanny, the Democratic nominee for New York City mayor and current assembly member, centers his politics on affordability social security nets, freeze rents on rent stabilized units and triple affordable housing construction, aiming for 200,000 new units in 10 years.
	Increased enforcement against exploitative landlords and establish an office of deed theft prevention for homeowners, especially in black and Latinx neighborhoods, Alphabet City, double funding for public housing preservation.
	Yep.
	Distribute baby baskets with the central goods and resources to all New York City parents.
	Increase New York Cinema Wage to increase New York City minimum wage to $30 an hour by 2030.
	So he definitely kind of has this like uh for the little man.
	Yeah, that's what he's thinking about for the little man, which I respect, but I just don't know if New York City is the city for it.
	I just I don't know.
	I honestly don't.
	The thing is, I really don't know.
	All the stuff is above my head.
	Yeah.
	I've just I've just left the city.
	All right, you're out.
	My well, yeah, well, because Do you think the city changed over time?
	My girl wanted to leave and she's Latina.
	You know, that's the thing, is like people think, I think people think like, oh, you know, the media has made everyone think like the white people are just the worst, and we're the only ones who you know don't want this or that, but it's like yo, the Latinas, bro.
	If you've ever put like a Google translate at a Puerto Rican barbecue, woo.
	They're unhappy.
	I mean, bro, you'd think you'd be like, okay, senor Hitler.
	Oh, you know what I mean?
	Like they they go in.
	Against Israel?
	Urbody.
	Oh, they oh, they so everybody catches it.
	Oh, the Latinos.
	Oh, the Latinos have a lot of uh they have some racism a little bit.
	Oh, yeah.
	That's good enough because you kind of don't know if they do sometimes.
	Like you know, there's like black and uh Latino gang violence.
	Yeah, but you don't hear much about it otherwise, you know.
	But that's yeah, black guys, old school black guys, very racist.
	Yeah, everybody's kind of racist, man.
	Yeah, you could you could you know, people are tribal too.
	It's like that's what it is, tribalization.
	Everybody wants to make it all race.
	It's like, you know, there's like there's like a lot of black crime in places.
	Like I I'm not racist because I don't want to be in some of those places.
	Like I had a friend one time who was trying to get me to come to like um this clothing shop that they had, and there's a lot of crime there, and it's young black kids attacking people, yeah, stealing car carjacking shit.
	I'm not good, I'm not going around.
	It's like no, I'm not risk.
	It's like that doesn't make me racist.
	I just want to preserve my own life.
	I'm just trying to live, baby.
	But I but I think more and more now, from again, the little sense, just talking to people, not on the internet, just like in real life, of every race.
	More people getting sick of it.
	More people like, yo, let's move past it now.
	Not everything's gotta be racist, sexist.
	It I think the me too, I mean not to meet the pandemic.
	I think it like kind of it hit its fever pitch, and now it kind of like broke, and it's just like people like I'm exhausted by that.
	Don't don't talk to me about that.
	Yeah, I agree.
	I think people see that it's also like this thing that they try to get like uh different political groups to fight over.
	It's all a smear, it's all like, hey, fight over this shit while everything else disappears.
	Like you know what I'm saying?
	So people again starting to get to know about it now.
	Yeah.
	But I think it's interesting to have guys that are different, like get it.
	I'm always the underdog fan, right?
	Right.
	I'm always the underdog fan.
	Um, he's not the underdog, though.
	I don't think I think it's pretty clear he's gonna win.
	I mean, you got Governor Cuomo who uh who's running against him, right?
	He's running against the city.
	It's a roll those people in the nursing home.
	So he's trying, he keeps trying to get Mom Donnie into a nursing home so we can murk him.
	Got Curtis Sleewa, uh Silwa, who's got the beret, which I would vote for him.
	I I understand, but I can't, he won't take his hat off.
	Let me see.
	Bring up Silwan that.
	Yeah, so that's the problem is Silwan won't take the hat off.
	So I can't have you as my mayor with that hat on.
	You know what I mean?
	Like, I just if he took the hat off, I think he'd get more votes, but he refused.
	He wears the full suit with that hat on.
	Oh, yeah.
	He's kind of like the muffin man.
	Let's get a look.
	Let's get a little bit more of them.
	Can we get some audio on him?
	Yeah.
	Lyft an Uber.
	And they are constantly being threatened with perverts who come up to them, sexually harass them.
	Men for the most part don't have that issue.
	Pat, I'm in all 350 neighborhoods, all 472 of the platforms in the vast city subway system.
	I'm the only candidate in this subway every year.
	What are you talking about?
	He acts like he what do you what is he the fucking he is he the lord of DoorDash drivers?
	Yeah.
	There's no way he's in all those places.
	Can you imagine?
	He looks like fucking, he looks like Isador Dash, dude.
	He looks like the great Chancellor of Doordashian.
	Dude, he and he's just yelling about perverts and Ubers.
	Dude, they should have a show called Keeping Up with the Doordashians.
	Yeah.
	That'd be crazy, dude.
	We should make it.
	Should we piss that?
	Yeah.
	Well, I think we're just let's just do it.
	Let's just do it.
	Keep it up with the Doordashians.
	And it's just a family that DoorDashes, and they're just pissed about it.
	They're like, oh, I'm taking these rich motherfuckers on the upper east side.
	It's fucking like, oh, I just delivered Ben Stiller some tater tots, you know.
	They're just fucking pissed, everybody.
	They're like, oh, Dershewich wants his waffle fries shaped into a kid's pelvis.
	You know, you're like, that seems a little risk.
	Yo, this is the fourth time.
	Risque.
	Oh, it does.
	Dude, I love it, man.
	Keep it going.
	Thank you.
	Let's get a counter up there.
	Keeping up with the Doordashians is a hit show, bro.
	Wow.
	See, that's what I'm saying, dude.
	You think your mind is not there.
	You keep saying your mind needs these little mental resets, and that's how you're able to get such good bits, and you're taking little breaks, which is what more people should do.
	You take little breaks.
	That's what I was saying.
	This old that old dude that I was telling you about about the muffin who told me he doesn't stress about the muffin.
	He told me he's 98 years old because he takes little breaks.
	He was like, Oh, when you put your kid in the car seat, put in the car seat instead of just going right back to the driver's seat.
	If close the door, yell some slurs, right?
	Breathe deep.
	Put drive the car into a garage, shut the door, keep the engine running, and then you leave.
	No, he said, take a long walk around the car.
	Take five seconds to breathe and reset.
	You got your baby safe in the car seat, and then don't just jump right in the driver's seat and start driving.
	Take five seconds the long way.
	Find little breaks throughout the day.
	And that's what you do.
	You take little breaks.
	I like it.
	Like reset schism instead of racism, reset.
	Resetism.
	Or like recidivism, but it's reseticism.
	I like it.
	You know what I'm saying, dude?
	Thanks, dude.
	Get a little reset.
	I haven't seen you in like two years.
	I know, man.
	It's crazy, dude.
	I can't believe that uh that it's been that long, you know.
	I think time just gets like kind of going and then things get kind of hectic.
	I know are you home or you're on the road?
	Are you staying?
	Is your goal to stay home?
	Like my goal is to stay home?
	It is now, you know.
	I've been on the same tour for almost four years.
	So you're off it now.
	I have uh we're doing a uh taping a special in um to New York at the Beacon.
	Beacon.
	Best theater.
	You're doing it for Netflix, Al Jazeera, Hulu.
	Netflix.
	Nice.
	I would do it for Al Jazeera.
	They didn't make an offer, but uh I'm going to Saudi Arabia.
	I could hit him up.
	You're going to that comedy fashion?
	Yeah, should I have not?
	Oh, hold on.
	No, no, no.
	That's great.
	Let's get into that in a second.
	Um, but no, yeah, so we got that coming up.
	And then I don't know.
	I'm part of me wants to maybe do a show like in Hawaii just so I can also go on vacation.
	Right.
	But then part of me is like, I just don't know.
	Like, like I started like, yeah, like lose.
	I just like recently, like I I just like um I think my nervous system's just shot, you know.
	But do you like being home like here?
	Like, do you like being in the or do you like to travel still?
	No, I do like it.
	I like being home, and I want to be able to do more creative stuff.
	Like, you know, um, I'm trying to see if Drewski wants to do a do try to do something together.
	Right.
	Me and Spade made a movie that we're gonna put out.
	We're editing right now.
	So there's a bunch of little things that I'm trying to do, you know.
	Yeah, dude, you and Drewski would just do it like he Drewski would just be that character.
	You guys could just be brothers.
	You could do keeping up with the Doordashians as a as a movie.
	Yeah.
	And you two are the Door Dashians.
	I think you want to find a family that likes to Door Dash.
	And it's a family affair.
	Right.
	And it's keeping up with the Doordashians, or it's just like these funny, like, you know, in the babies in the backseat and he's eating a couple of the tots or something.
	Yeah.
	Dude, one of the guys who works with me is actually, I'm doing um Chicago tomorrow, and he's gonna work with me on the show.
	He does DoorDash in his spare time, and there's been multiple times where he's done Door Dash orders while I'm on stage.
	He does his time, and then he knows he's got about an hour while I'm up there, and he does some DoorDash.
	The kids hustling.
	He's told me too what the trick is, too.
	Like they all eat for free, the DoorDash drivers, because like, you know, when they get hungry, they'll just eat somebody's McDonald's or KFC order and then just kind of never deliver it, and then let them take it up with DoorDash, and DoorDash will usually just refund their money and then reorder it, but they got they ate the food.
	Because it's not up to that.
	Like he said there's no system.
	It's not like they know, oh, this guy, this driver took it.
	They just line up the DoorDash deliveries and you just take it and you take the receipt and no one's checking.
	No one's like scanning you as the driver in.
	So you could do whatever you want to the show the man right there, dude.
	Now somebody doesn't get fed, somebody and their kids do not get fed.
	Right.
	They're in splitting up a yogurt or something at home, which is tough to do, dude.
	But my boy's point was the drivers don't make any money either.
	He's making like eight dollars an hour.
	So he's like, what about him?
	Now I gotta eat your food.
	Some people they love doing DoorDash.
	It's fun.
	Oh, here's some stats right here.
	Let me see.
	Um, as a U.S. food survey found that nearly 30% of food delivery drivers, including those on Doordash, admit to taking a bite of food from customers orders it at least once.
	Dude, Mark Norman will take a bite out of your food.
	I've seen him do that multiple times at the comedy.
	Potato skin.
	Jews.
	He's the best, dude.
	He's a fucking best.
	Is he number one or what?
	You guys, I think y'all's personalities in New York are so fun, dude.
	Louie was just in town, Jim Norton was here.
	Yeah.
	Did you have Louie and Jim come on the show?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	And it was just like, oh.
	Dude, Jim Norton, Jim Norton.
	I I've been, you know.
	You and I met each other by Jim Norton.
	Opie and Anthony, dude.
	You would go way back.
	And it you, and then, and then half the people we used to do the show with are dead for all the fucking everybody just dropping dead.
	Vic Henley.
	Yep.
	Chef Carl, Ruiz.
	Damn, sucks.
	But you know, rest in peace.
	But they um, but Jim, dude, he said this bit, him and Anthony Cumia did this bit the other day that oh my I mean, I they like reposted.
	I had to text Jim, like I almost crashed my car from laughing.
	Because by the way, like, you know, love this pod, but you know how like we do this, like this is our profession, and even sometimes comedy can't be as cathartic for us as it is for the audience because like we get stuck in in, you know, if you listen to some dope comedian or like you laugh, but you're like, man, you kind of have this self-reflection, like I should be better, blah, blah, blah.
	Uh Jim Norton's got a new pod called uh Jim Norton's Pod Can's Save You.
	And it's I I listen to it like I'm an audience member.
	Like it's it's my cathartic.
	Like I wait each week, I listen to the episodes.
	When they have the episodes on that, an episode, old school one with Colin Quinn and Rich Voss, where it's like that old opium Anthony energy, like from the early 2000s, it just hits me in a way where I'm like, oh, this is the gift of comedy.
	Like I was going on go, you know, if you're going through stuff in your life, you're depressed, you're sad, you need to laugh.
	That's the pod I go to.
	I've got to start listening to that.
	Jim Norton can't save you.
	It's one of to me, it's it's like Jim in all his glory.
	But this bit, I came across it, and I was dying.
	I kissed my friend's grandmother, which I know is trying to write.
	And it was like it was like a little peck in our lips touched.
	And uh I'd be lying.
	Those lips were thinner and drier.
	You have a little contest.
	I would be lying if I said I wasn't turned on.
	I was a little turned on.
	I like to taste the Gerrital.
	But and I just I couldn't, I couldn't do anything about it.
	Because I'm like, you know, then they close the list.
	That's awesome.
	That's my you know.
	I I don't know when it said close the lid, I just it just hit me because I thought the bit was just about kissing his grandma.
	Oh, 100%.
	I didn't and and but that's the kind of humor, you know, that I like.
	And I used to, it used to be one of those things where you know, I understand this subjectivity of comedy now, and how if I think it's really funny and you don't, or vice versa, like that's just okay.
	Like I used to get upset if I saw not the whole audience laughing, or now I'm just like, oh, okay.
	Yeah, that's it.
	Comedy can't be for everybody.
	Everybody's comedy can't be for everybody all the time.
	So I'm I'm accepting of that now.
	Yeah, it's just like this is where I'm yeah, if I'm still trying to make something for everybody, then that's not gonna be great.
	Trying to just be true to myself the best I can.
	Uh yeah, but those guys are so I mean, right?
	Those guys are funny at a level that's way funnier than I feel like.
	I mean, way funnier than I'll ever be, and way funnier than I think we are now.
	I think you always feel like the generation before you is funnier.
	Well, like if you sit at the comedy cell and you ever get stuck at the back table with Jim Norton, Colin Quinn, Rich Voss, those guys, and they start hammering jokes, and then it comes to you, and you nine times out of ten, I don't have anything to say.
	Yeah.
	And then you just get abused.
	And it real and you realize, hey, with this game, it's uh ticket sales, money, fame, fortune, all those things are whatever.
	Though there's a part of it that's great, but it's like just pound for pound, fuck.
	I've never seen a group that can hit it like those guys hit him.
	Yeah, I just never I've never seen a group that that 90s, 2000s, tough crowd, New York, Keith Robinson.
	Yep, Keith Robinson, all those guys.
	Old school Nick DePolo, Patrice O'Neal passed away.
	You know, I never met Patrice, but he he he was, you know, uh obviously amazing.
	Geraldo, those old school New York guys.
	Can't even imagine 'cause there was a time where I was like, you know, people, you know, you And Schumer was in there.
	She was so funny.
	She was with that crew, yeah.
	I mean, she was so good.
	You know, and now I feel like with comedy, I feel like um, you know, it's just it's things things are different now, and I just feel like gotta just do it.
	You know, we have like these niche little audiences.
	I'm ha I've I've convinced myself at times to try to be happier with less.
	You know, I'm trying.
	Try to dude.
	I was getting a massage the other day, and it was by a man.
	I prefer a man a lot of times.
	100%.
	I don't like but does he he doesn't do the happy ending though?
	You don't go that far with that.
	I don't let anybody I'm not driving across town so some loser can jerk me off when I can do it myself at home.
	Yeah, I'm not going to do it.
	And no offense.
	Uh if you're a masseuse, you're not a loser, whatever.
	I don't mean that.
	I just mean like the places I go, it's not like nobody's been to a school or like in a beauty school.
	You know, there's not a hot rock in the room unless it's fucking unless it's in an eight ball in somebody's pocket.
	You know, there's no right, it's not that kind of shit.
	It's just like the light bulbs kind of working and somebody will fucking run up your back.
	You don't know if it's a bug or a little Vietnamese woman.
	Dude, but it helps you.
	Same thing.
	Yeah.
	No, I'm kidding.
	And then I don't help you.
	No, dude, I had an uncle who fought in the war.
	Oh, dude, I don't give a shit.
	I haven't decided what side I'm on.
	Right.
	But here's the thing, it's like, okay.
	I I went in there and the guy, I paid him up front.
	This guy's such a great guy.
	And I go to two massage places.
	There's one in um in Westwood that I go to in Los Angeles.
	It's called Siri Foot Spa.
	Mm-hmm.
	And it's amazing.
	And then there's one in Nashville that I go to called Crest Foot Spa.
	Nice.
	And both.
	Why'd it have to be a foot spa?
	Like, what is that about a foot spot?
	Because you just get the feet done.
	No, but I'm just saying, if they'll get into your feet, they'll get into the rest of you.
	That's true, dude.
	You know what I'm saying?
	If you start with how, you know, they say you don't know a man until you walk a mile in his shoes.
	But if you're able to knuckle the history out of a man's feet, 100%, then you know a man.
	Yes, sir.
	My toes, I got my toe next to my big toe just crosses over like that.
	They're called hammer toes.
	And I was telling my wife, I was like, I need a paternity test on that baby.
	And I was saying it like that.
	As soon as while she was giving birth, I was like, I need I need to know that mind.
	Oh, for sure.
	Yeah, and she and and I kept saying that, and then they slap me.
	She slapped me, my girl, in the middle of the childbirth, and then she was like, look at that baby's feet.
	Right.
	And then my daughter has the same toes as me, dude.
	They're crossed over.
	What's a that's the way it is.
	But so my daughter, so I feel bad because my daughter, because my wife's feet are very flat, like almost like a princess Fiona foot, and then my toes are crossed over.
	And I'm just hoping that my daughters don't have a mix of both our feet because girls should have nice feet.
	Guys, it doesn't matter if your feet are.
	My feet look like that.
	My feet look like they're on the wrong leg.
	Like my right foot's on my left and my left foot's on my right.
	That's what it feels like.
	And looks at the toes in different areas, but you got shit hidden.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, it's bad.
	Yeah, somebody gives you directions, you're still fucked.
	Yeah.
	My feet'll go the wrong way.
	It's it's like you never get like wet your iPhone, and it's like you're hitting a thing and it's going over there.
	That's what my feet are.
	They're like wet iPhones.
	Yeah, you're like soaking your feet in rice at night.
	Yes.
	Get them calibrated.
	Yeah, dude.
	But yo, speak, I I need to get work start working on the massages and the care part of it.
	Can't just go in and do push-ups, pull-ups, and sit ups at our age anymore.
	It's like you need the care.
	You need a massage a week, isn't it?
	I'll do too.
	Like right now, this week I'm trying to get extra ones, just like um, I got a couple busy weeks coming up, and so I just gotta like now's the time I gotta tap in and just see if I can, you know, make sure I'm taking care of myself.
	And I'm fortunate enough to be able to do it right.
	Like, I know some guys, they have families, they're working every day, you know, like uh, you know, they work like uh daytime hours, so it's hard to find time to go.
	So yeah, I just feel lucky that I that I'm able to go do it.
	But yeah, I like to go into that joint where it's low key, dude.
	They used to have a place in LA, give a dude 40 dollars, two Viets would fucking beat the shit out of me.
	Yo with the fucking Via Kongs.
	Uh I don't know.
	I didn't see their cocks, but I knew one of them look heavy.
	Yeah.
	Or he looked like his stomach was tight because it was moving around a big cock.
	You ever see somebody like that?
	Hundred percent, dude.
	Like not even in good shape.
	You see their abs and like, what the fuck?
	And then you see, like, oh, he's fucking, he's carrying, you know.
	Yeah.
	He's got a couple pallets full on him.
	Kobiyashi, the hot dog eating champion, he was always sh shredded because he had that, you know.
	He's got that dang on him, you think.
	He's got that 100%.
	He's got that Nathan's.
	Ooh.
	Oh, that Nathan's is long and lean.
	Full and nitrates.
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	Yo, I knew you weren't gonna I knew I knew you weren't in LA.
	You were an LA guy, but I knew that you were gonna come back home.
	You knew you were gonna come back home.
	Yeah, because I feel like I just feel like you um you belong here.
	I'm not from here.
	No, no, but in the Oh, in the realm here?
	Yes.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, man, I think you're right.
	You belong in the like a 200 mile radius, and it's here.
	I feel I feel really nice here.
	I feel lucky to be here.
	I feel like we're in a like I do feel like Tennessee is like a place that's uh it's caring, it feels more normal, and it's like um and it's fun.
	And it's like I don't know, everything doesn't feel like it's for sale.
	Yeah, like it feels there's uh a genuineness to it all here, where not everything is about entertainment here.
	You could, you know what I mean?
	Like you're an entertainer, but your neighbor's probably not.
	Yeah.
	We're in LA, your neighbor probably is, or if they weren't at some point they wanted to be.
	So it's it's it's it's a tough thing to always be around that.
	Well, in Hollywood, I think I mean, Hollywood's even losing a lot of the film industry.
	Bring up what's causing production to leave Los Angeles.
	Tax credits, AI, um, earthquakes, tsunamis.
	Dude, Beverly Hills looks like Saudi Arabia.
	Um, let me see.
	States like Georgia, New Mexico, and Nevada, plus countries such as Canada and the UK offer healthier tax incentives.
	Uh, the cost of living and operating in Los Angeles has significantly increased.
	Hollywood endured major strikes because of and a lot of that's because of greed.
	Yeah.
	Um, the aftermath of COVID-19, which a lot of them helped push through the fucking celebrities and bullshit.
	Yeah.
	So it's nice just to see a lot of this shit coming back in the bite people in the ass.
	Studios are cutting production budgets and scaling back local projects due to declining streaming numbers, reduced programming by networks, and a fall in box office revenues.
	Wildfires.
	I mean, yeah, they dude, the fact that they didn't even have water in that reservoir.
	The fact that there's issues with like hundreds of millions of dollars they raised from fire aid that's not even going to people that have out.
	It's like, what is even going on?
	That place just feels like such a scam.
	And I think people with uh heartbeats are starting to kind of realize it.
	And now I don't mean like that's just Hollywood I'm saying.
	I'm not talking about the people really that are there.
	I mean, they know what who I'm talking about, but it's not like the everyday people that that's just there that's hustling that love their neighborhoods and shit.
	I'm not talking about that.
	Right, right, right.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Uh oh LA OGs.
	Yeah, I'm just talking about how Hollywood, how they're losing that industry.
	And yeah, and maybe some guy like Mom Donnie will come along there and they'll start to like, you know, it'd be nice to see eventually that people that don't have all the means get to have more of the things.
	You know?
	Right.
	Because it starts to get gluttonous and it starts to get kind of sick.
	Well, it starts, and then you look back at history.
	That's why I love history so much and do the history pod, because you look back at like the French Revolution, right?
	In the 1790s, that's what happened, man, is the way wage gap started to get crazy and the rich just kept getting richer, and then what and then they just storm the Bastille and they cut off the King and Queen's head.
	Marie Antoinette, let them eat cake, but she supposedly didn't say that.
	Well, she definitely didn't say that.
	But and then they cut off the king, King Louis's dome piece in the beginning.
	If you ever seen the movie Napoleon with Joaquin Phoenix, that's the first scene that they show.
	And that's that wage gap is starting to broaden just like them days now.
	Dude, I want to be on a horse with the revolutionaries.
	Yes.
	And I know that I've made money in my life now and it's different, but I'll never have money in my heart.
	And yeah, I want to do some things that towards the end of this year and next year that are gonna start to like create ways to like give back, help people like figure things out, you know.
	You should buy your whole neighborhood solar roofs, solar panel Tesla roofs.
	No, people money wrote are fine.
	Go buy for the in the hood then.
	They don't they what are you gonna fucking charge their guns at night?
	No, but I think there is great ways.
	But I don't know.
	I thought about going back to my old neighborhood.
	We got a bunch of cool stuff in in the coffers, and some of that's just jokes.
	Um did you see that Ro Connor, he's a Democratic congressman from California.
	Okay, and Thomas Massey, who's like the who drove here in a truck that he lives in.
	Crazy parked it outside.
	I'm in that bitch drinking fucking raw milk with him that he got out of a goat by his home.
	Whoa.
	Oh, yeah.
	Did you get sick after?
	Uh I mean, I didn't get well.
	I was like, you know what I'm saying?
	I my eyes wouldn't open that that far in the morning.
	They open, but just not that far.
	But yeah, um, but anyway, they come up with this petition.
	Uh it's a bipartisan effort, it says right here in the U.S. House of Representatives launched in September to force a vote on releasing all federal files related to the Jeffrey Epstein case.
	The petition takes the form of a discharge petition, which allows a resolution or build a bypass regular committee procedures and be brought directly to the House floor for a vote.
	I mean, don't you think it's crazy that they won't release this?
	What do you like?
	Do you have a take on what do you think is going on with all this?
	With the Epstein stuff?
	Yeah, I mean, it just seems like how could they not like does it feel like our government is protecting pedophiles to you?
	I mean, probably, but again, I don't know because there's so much mismatch, like there's so many things happening here.
	So you look here and vice versa, that I really don't know because you know, the whole thing was about those missing second or second or uh one or two seconds of the Epstein uh tape, and then they just the government just released the tape unedited, and there's nothing that happens in those two seconds.
	So there's nobody that came in or came out of it.
	Now, could there be some more advanced technology we don't even know about that they're just making things happen?
	Probably, but I don't know.
	I really don't know.
	I try there are times where I find myself going down a rabbit hole of it, and then I try to take myself out and say, how does that even if they are protecting pedophiles, how does that help me or hurt me in any way, shape, or form?
	It's like, dude, just go make your kid an avocado toast.
	Yeah, just go literally try to Right, do the next right thing.
	I just try to I try to make it small.
	I try to make my life small now, man.
	I'm like, yeah, I don't know, dude.
	I I don't know, Epstein, I don't know Trump.
	I I've never met these people, so I can't have them affecting my life on a daily basis.
	I'm like, what are my kids gonna do, man?
	I'm like, you know, like that's what's important.
	Should I help?
	Yeah, how can I help my kids learn how you what you know we my stepson can't, you know, he's he the way he throws a baseball, it's like we gotta fix that.
	Oh, yeah.
	You know, my daughter, you know, Shotsy throws it.
	Yeah, dude.
	She wants to do cheerleading and she keeps falling off the pyramid.
	So I'm like, you know, man, I want to do, I wanna, I want to get into this, but I'm also like I don't have time, dude.
	Like my one of my kids is eight years old and still in a diaper.
	So I gotta fix that.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah.
	So that's what I do, and either none of us do it or all of us do it.
	That's what I say.
	I tell my you know, you know, I don't tell my kids that I tell my but I tell my kids other gems where I'm like, do the right thing even if nobody's looking.
	Do the right thing.
	You do the right thing even when no one's looking.
	Like Spike Lee.
	Exactly.
	So you do the right thing even when no one's looking.
	So you know what I mean?
	And that's what my and that's what my daughter, I think that's what my daughter does.
	I mean, you know, with the whole ice stuff.
	Oh, I think it's obviously at least she's involved, and at least she has some political or social awareness.
	That's what I'm saying.
	I don't right.
	But you you have to make time so that they do.
	Exactly.
	So I keep the space.
	I'm gonna pivot right here.
	I want to talk about you.
	Because last time you were on, we had an extensive conversation.
	I think it was Valentine's Day or Valentine's Day was coming up, and we talked about love, and we literally talked about it for about two hours.
	You got engaged finally for the second time, is that right?
	Second time.
	First time we did it, it was like, you know, because we had a baby so quick, and I I wanted to do it, but it was really just Catholic guilt wanting to do it, and then we split up for a while.
	And that's what happens sometimes.
	You split up with someone, and then you you know, you kind of realize what you got, you know that saying you don't really know what you got until it's gone.
	It's gone.
	And then so that's what her jazz and I have been together now for Jesus, 11, 12 years, and you know, we're we're getting engaged because we got engaged because you know, we got kids, you know, we got three kids.
	Yeah, and you're a family now.
	We're family now, and I said, What like my three kids or two kids?
	Two well, two biological and one extra kid, one extra kid.
	Right.
	Do you believe how does love change over time for you guys?
	How is it changed?
	Well, I realize that it's not a feeling, it's an action.
	That's how it's evolved to me.
	You've told me about that.
	But wait, like tell me a little more.
	Meaning, like to me, the the first sense that I felt any time I ever saw what the what I felt when I first saw Jasmine, the very bar you guys were at a place.
	We were at it was yeah, it was a volleyball bar.
	Yeah, called Place to Beach in Brooklyn.
	And I was a pun.
	And I yeah, and then I felt and they got shut down uh because they were selling the fake vaccine card.
	Yeah, oh dude, like yeah.
	There's nothing like meeting an illegal alien at a fake vaccine card shop.
	Yeah, okay.
	If your marriage doesn't start out like that in America, then fuck you.
	So she um so I felt this feeling like when I saw her, like she like stopped me in my tracks, like this like feeling I can't, I still like indigestion or something, but in your heads, yeah.
	I thought I was having a heart attack.
	I thought maybe because me and my boy Pat, we were in like so much uh pepperoni, and so I was like, oh, maybe it's that maybe it's finally catching up to me, a Pepto Bismol, nothing worked.
	And then so, and so I realized like that was like I thought that was love, but that was more of like an infatuation, that was more of like a lust that was more like me just taken in by her beauty, like the you know, that oh yeah, and so that's powerful, that's necessary.
	And then I went through with that feeling for years, thinking like that was love, and then we would have all these problems, and I was always looking for something else.
	I was always pushing her away, then I'd get close to her, she'd push me away, and all these things.
	And I realized like, oh, these are just that that was that wasn't love.
	Love to me was in action.
	What I realized was all these years later that the real love was her and I coming back together after, you know, a big fight, her showing me so much loyalty, me showing her loyalty, her being there for me when the things were not going well for me.
	All those things were that's the love, the action, love is an action.
	And I and I see her do that for me because I used to think, I used to think that she, you know, I I I would always be searching in my my brain, uh being a bit of a perfectionist, as as you know, we all are.
	I think in comedy, like we always want everything to go right.
	I would always say, Oh, you know, she's not she's not uh perfect.
	Um, so I gotta you're looking for something else.
	Your brain is always like, what's the next best thing?
	What's the next best thing?
	And then you know, at some points you you say, okay, I can go get this or get that, and then looking for what's perfect, what's perfect, and then I realize at some point it hit me, I was like, Oh, she actually is perfect because she's she's taking me in from all my imperfections.
	She's understanding how imperfect I am and still accepting me anyway.
	So that's that is like someone who's perfect because a lot of people wouldn't do that.
	A lot of people would have just thrown me to the side by now and been like, hey, figure it out.
	Because she knows I love my kids, she knows I'm always gonna take care of her.
	Right.
	You know, so it wasn't about the money.
	It wasn't about, oh, I I need a man on my life, it's about specifically me.
	She's taking me in for my imperfections.
	So for me, that that makes her perfect to me.
	And And after all these years, I've realized that all that and the action of love and and you know what we have with our children and building a family, like there's nothing your life is happening right now.
	And I have like a perfect life right now, and I don't live in the zero-sum game anymore.
	It used to be if my career was down, I'd be unhappy.
	If if if I wasn't feeling in uh if I was feeling out of shape, I'd be unhappy.
	One thing could make it all unhappy because I was playing zero sum.
	It's either all or nothing.
	I don't do that anymore.
	I'll say some things in my life are up and down, everybody's life.
	It's all it's all in flux.
	How were you able to adjust that?
	Like, was there something that happened that made you sort of see that?
	Because that's pretty powerful to hear about, man.
	Because yeah, I think I I've I've certainly had that.
	Like one thing will affect kind of how I operate for the rest of the day, and then or affect how I think about myself.
	Well, I think children, uh, that's why it's important.
	You know, in my life personally, people do what they want, but uh for me, uh abort or your kids, whatever you want to do in New York City, you could kill them all up to I think till they're 18.
	I think you can have legal abortions.
	I that's what AOC said.
	Or you can send a kid to Gaza and the uh the Israel killed.
	Mom Donnie's gonna make it 21, he said.
	Is he?
	That's what he said.
	That's what the platform some people are voting for that.
	You can abortions up to their kids are 21.
	So um, but what I felt like, you know, how I learned all that is literally just by like listening to my kids and and watching what my kids kind of want for me and expect from me.
	And I and I realize that you know, you you could spend your whole life thinking about oh, what's gonna happen tomorrow?
	Always being, you know, always being um, you know, there's something's better, gonna something's better on the horizon.
	You can spend your whole life like, and then your whole life goes by.
	So I realized to like be in the like nothing's better to me, like what's better than you know you know, a Lamborghini or selling out a world tour or having sex with the hottest girls, like, you know, just sitting in the grass with your kids, like that, and it it's not for everybody.
	And I and also at times it's not even for me.
	At times I'm sitting in the grass with my kids, I'm like, this sucks.
	I want to go drive into Lamborghini.
	But the butt but it's not a zero-sum game.
	Exactly.
	But you're saying, but those moments that I do have when I am fully locked in.
	I'm always chasing that.
	If I'm chasing one thing, I'm always chasing that these I've had feeling throughout my life of being locked in with my family.
	I've never had a euphoria like that.
	I've never been happier than that.
	And it doesn't happen all the time.
	At times I'm home with my family trying to say find that feeling, and and I just can't, you know, find it.
	But I don't beat myself up about it anymore.
	I'm like, yo, just come keep coming back.
	Giannis and I, Giannis talks to me a lot about going back, life is coming back to the present.
	Always come back to the present, always come back to the moment.
	That's what that's your job.
	Come back to the moment as as much as you can throughout the day.
	Come back to the moment because it's all happening now.
	I I try to be where my feet are.
	Like there, there was a time when I was talking to you the last time we spoke about love and on Valentine's Day, half of my brain was with you, and then half of my brain was probably back home at my kids or you know, what I was doing after that or my show, but now I'm fully locked in just with you.
	I I I've that's one thing I have definitely can feel I've gotten better.
	I just I'm where my feet are.
	I'm fully with you right now, and then when I leave, I'll I'll fully be with you know, the driver, and then I'll and then you know, when I speak to my family, I'll fully be with them.
	You know what I mean?
	And then I'll fully be with uh Asian dude in the bathroom at VNA Airport, baby.
	Yeah, right?
	Because that Viet Cong's getting me, yeah.
	I got those camera shoes.
	So that's so that's how I feel.
	I don't know if I explained it correctly.
	Round trip to Saigon.
	Yeah, Guantanamo Bay.
	So I don't know if I explained it right, but that's what it is.
	Well, I think it's funny you said when you say something that it's like, yeah, I let my mind like uh I'll have a thought and then my mind will multiply it.
	Right.
	Kind of.
	I'll have a feeling or one bad thing will happen, something that's not my favorite.
	Well, because the brain is gonna go towards connection because that's the connective tissue.
	That's why they say those mushrooms uh or acid, one of them is good because they say it wipes away your opioids.
	I can't which one that's what they say, one of them.
	Something on Joe Rogan said that.
	Yeah.
	I don't know.
	But but that but that feeling, it's like this thing where I thought I was thinking about this the other day, like the you know, like to be happy.
	You mean Giannis were having a conversation about this, and he had he had different feelings, but I was kind of saying, like, you know, faith to have you gotta have faith.
	Like, you know, people talk about hope and all that, but I feel like faith is is to me is better.
	Like it's faith is on a creator and like hope is just hope is just gay faith.
	It's just exactly hope is gay faith.
	That's the merch.
	So faith, so I we have you gotta have faith that like tomorrow will be better.
	So it kind of goes against what I just said, but on the same hand, it's like simultaneously.
	I think this balance of life is have have faith.
	You know, we we had to get out of the caves, basically, as you know, Neanderthals.
	We were getting at you have to get out of the cave, like to go survive and advance and all that.
	So it's like you gotta have this faith that there's a better life outside the cave by also acknowledging simultaneously that what you have in the cave is enough.
	It's so it's a it's a delicate life, it's just bounce, you know what I mean.
	Dude, my uncle, he used to tickle us, right?
	And the only way he had him stop you had to say the n-word to get him to stop.
	Right.
	Right.
	That's my I have a same uncle like that, and the only way he'd say it's not tickle, but you say the N-word's the only way to get him to come.
	So when he has to, because he wants to give uh, you know, like donate a sperm.
	Oh so he wouldn't be able to do it.
	The prostate wouldn't work, nothing.
	So, but because he's got such potent sperm.
	So if you yell the n-word, he'd bust the nut.
	And then that's how he was able to get back to his community by helping some of the ladies who were infertile make uh more babies.
	Oh, you yelled the inwards to the whites will pop out, you know.
	They they're like, what's going on out there?
	Right.
	Um he's black.
	Your uncle's black?
	Yeah.
	That's good.
	I have one black uncle.
	I actually had a Puerto Rican uncle for real.
	Um he passed away.
	He was dope, dude.
	He um, true story, somebody robbed my mom coming down the block, and they were robbing women, taking their purses.
	They took my mom's purse and multiple other ladies' purses, and then they would sell uh, you know, like uh take their money, and it was the running out of the back of a bodega that you know they had like steal their money, sell their stuff, whatever, sell their license.
	I don't know.
	And my uncle would go to that bodega and drink beers and chill, and he heard them talking in Spanish about oh, they just took this lady's purse.
	And he was saying like to himself, he's like, Oh, I think I think that's my sister-in-law, right?
	So he didn't like this guy already, so they got drunk, and then he brought him, he had a whole um craft, like uh, like a uh uh like a tool shed in my garage, and he had uh he he took this guy back to the garage.
	He thought they were just gonna drink beers or whatever, and then he tied him up and he put on a welding mask and he welded the skin off his knees for stealing from my mom.
	And then he gave my mom all her money back and all that, and he had fossilized this guy's knee skin.
	Fuck.
	Dead serious.
	He was crazy, dude.
	Fuck and he would drive me to the ball.
	He would drive me to school.
	He's dead, though.
	That guy.
	Yeah.
	I mean, I was a little kid, they didn't tell me till I was an adult.
	I don't I feel bad for everybody in that.
	Right.
	Yeah, but the guy was robbing purses.
	He didn't kill him, he just melted the skin off his knees.
	I I think sometimes you gotta have some serious measures.
	Um yeah, man, I you know, I I like finding that, yeah.
	Finding love and committing to it and realizing that the rest of the stuff is distraction, you know.
	Yeah, but also too.
	I mean, I say all that stuff, but I also don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
	Right, but you know what you're talking about for you, and you're trying your best.
	I don't think you can say that.
	You know what?
	You know what I mean?
	Maybe you seem insane.
	No, but you know what I've been realizing too, like just about me.
	I mean, like, you know, because I'm only me.
	Like, there's moments of the day almost every day where I'll have some like intuitive, I'll say something like so intuitive and tight, but I'll say it like only once in a while does that get captured on the camera.
	Like when I'm supposed to be doing my job here, I'm just babbling.
	I don't know what I'm talking about.
	But I'll like get on the plane tonight and have a conversation with the person next to me, and it'll be like next level.
	Yeah.
	On.
	And so I I wonder about that.
	No, I think people say you ever do that.
	Oh, yeah.
	I have conversations in my head.
	I'll listen back.
	Um after I get like, I'll be listening to the edit of an episode, it's watching through.
	And uh, and I'm like, why didn't I ask that?
	They should have asked this.
	That's insane not to ask that right there.
	But I think it's just where your brain is and what you can handle and what you like do and and and take on at the moment.
	Um, did you see there's a clip of a woman took a man into the mall and made him walk?
	He cheated and she made him walk with a sign on.
	Do you see that?
	This is awesome.
	He's a cheater.
	Cheetah.
	And this guy has a sign on it says I had a two-year affair.
	Ask me how it says.
	He had a two-year affair while I had his second baby.
	We intentionally had a second baby, and he was having an affair the whole time.
	This feels real to me, do you?
	If yeah, it feels real, but to me, it's like Is this valuable?
	Do you think is this the kind of stuff we need to keep marriages together?
	No, I I I would I would uh you know get a divorce, dude.
	You don't want to be with her.
	Well, he should have gotten a divorce than to go ahead and have a more family.
	The good thing about like, you know, my lady is if if if that you know, if I ever had a two-year fair, which I haven't, but if I ever had a two-year fair, she would never do this.
	She would punch me directly in my spleen.
	Yeah.
	She would hip, she would, that's what would happen for that.
	Like she would find an organ, she's good, and she's lefty.
	Oh, their flyweights are welcome.
	She would hit it with the probably with the ring on.
	So she'd hit me hard in the spleen, pancreas, something like that.
	And she would just, that's what I would do.
	I'd have a kind of shit blood or piss.
	For a little while, yeah.
	But then she would probably make me plantonos or some, you know, dish, the Maduro's just the smash plantanos.
	She would make it for me maybe a couple of nights later.
	Yeah.
	She'd be all right.
	But see, like what this is like this, I don't like, you know.
	And also, I mean, there's a part of me that also doesn't believe it.
	I just, because of how much content is out there, I just don't believe that it's always real.
	But you know, she uh Why would he go do this?
	She just, if her if it's not real, her acting is pretty good in this video.
	Well, he's you know, I mean, he I mean, yeah, that's bitch boy behavior.
	I mean, I would never Well, here's the thing.
	They brought the baby.
	Is the baby real?
	Can you zoom in and see if the baby's moving at all?
	Is that yeah, I don't know.
	Doesn't even look like there's a baby in there.
	Oh, there it is.
	Yeah, there's his feet.
	So that's pretty real.
	Who's gonna give somebody a fake baby to go make this?
	Yeah, and that's kind of whack.
	Like if you got to see your parents, I don't think, I mean, I get what she's trying to do, but it's whack all around.
	I mean, he's whack, she's whack.
	They both just look like they suck.
	And they both do look like prototypical podcast fans.
	Yeah, these are exactly what the fans of the podcast look like.
	These kinds of people, you got a fat older lady and just a skinny guy who looks kind of dirty.
	She's not even older.
	Yes, she is.
	What she looked like he's 25.
	Too old, baby.
	Wow, bro.
	Too oh, oh, you owe.
	But what did she tell him?
	You have to do this or what?
	She probably said you have to do this or what, or I'm gonna like I well, see, that's the thing, because normally it's like, oh, or I'll tweet out your messages, I'll contact this.
	I see.
	So whatever she was gonna maybe blast him.
	Yeah, but but this is worse.
	I'd rather that.
	I'd rather I'd rather that then go ahead.
	Tell everyone you've ever met because I don't want to do this.
	Yeah.
	I don't believe, and I bet you if you scroll through the comments, uh most people are saying this isn't real.
	Let's see.
	I don't think it's real.
	Let me see.
	She entirely emasculated her husband, she should have just left him.
	Do you believe like how many of these comments do you think are real people?
	And have you ever commented like on a video?
	You're right.
	It's all a mirage.
	Right?
	Like it's all a lot.
	I feel like it's getting to the point now where it might be like over 50% of the people that comment on your stuff are bots.
	Well, especially with AI, it's like they can make so many things robots.
	Like AI is so capable of like act more human when you comment.
	Like you can do all that.
	It's like we're watching a like it's kind of crazy to think that our reality has become science fiction.
	Right, but I but it's the reality on the social media platforms.
	And on the science fiction, no, our reality is become fiction.
	But then what's science fiction?
	Smart fiction.
	Which this is which it really is, because it's definitely like tricks us a lot.
	Right, dude.
	I know, yeah.
	I don't uh I don't know, dude.
	I know Jesse Smolette's probably innocent.
	I watch a Netflix documentary.
	Oh, do you think I could play Jesse Smollett in a bio biopic?
	Well, I told you, especially from the future, because as you said in the beginning of the show, you're a black woman from the future.
	So I think that you could.
	And I think I um I think that you could play Jesse Smolette and you could play the attackers who are the Nigerian dudes.
	One of the I think you play uh any of those three.
	I think you're a good actor.
	Thanks, dude.
	Even though I've never seen you act, but I have a feeling that you're a good actor.
	Feelings mean a lot.
	Dude, remember when you said uh on OP and Anthony or the Opie show all those years ago that I look like a deaf guy that goes to the gym.
	Bro, we had so much fun in there.
	Dude, that was crazy.
	And you know what's crazy too to watch that video.
	If you ever like you more you, like you watched that, you could watch that clip, and you know, just think about like at that point in your career, like you were kind of struggling.
	Oh, yeah.
	Or you well, you said you were struggling.
	We thought, you know, you you were like, I remember us going have lunch, and you're like, man, like there was, I think you had done a show the next weekend in Sacramento Punch Down.
	You had forgotten your pants.
	Yeah.
	And you had to take the opener's pants.
	Oh, that's a true story.
	Don, the guy Don DePedo, you had to take his pants.
	I remember.
	Yeah, because you didn't have pants, dude.
	And you were in sell barely any tickets at the Sacramento Punchline, and then blew up.
	That was so much fun going in there.
	Dude, going in there in the morning, going in that building and getting to go in there.
	Oh, it's great.
	There was like you were in there.
	Barby Lee used to go in there and eat bull dick.
	There were heroes in there.
	Bobby ate bull dick.
	Yes, he ate bull dick on Opie Show.
	I don't know if he was a show.
	Yeah, there's video of it him eating bulldick.
	And then Harold Stern was there.
	Remember, he was down the hall.
	You know that New York Cirus XM building.
	It's not like that at all anymore.
	There's like a ghost.
	There's nobody.
	I mean, Opie and Anthony's not even a show anymore.
	Jim doesn't have a show anymore.
	Howard Sternstell has a show, but he never goes in.
	Sway in the morning.
	All those shows.
	Nobody goes in anymore.
	I think we gotta start going into the buildings again.
	I don't like it.
	Oh, it like I don't think working from home is I don't know that it's gonna last.
	But here we are doing it.
	Let's pull up this one clip right there.
	Bobby's bullshit testicle.
	Yeah, I was here for there.
	And the chef did put olive oil and some salt on it.
	Ooh.
	Wow, this is 10 years ago, see?
	Ooh.
	Bobby.
	Is that real?
	That's real, dude.
	I was sitting across.
	Then he ran out.
	That's okay.
	It's not gay if you're starving, dude.
	You're starving.
	And this was before bad friends.
	He was also at this time in 2016 telling me his career was felt like dead in the water.
	And now look how things can change.
	He's one of the best bad friends you could have right there.
	Oh, he just pulled the nuts off of it.
	Yeah, he pulled the nuts off.
	Yeah, and he ate.
	Oh, and he bit into him.
	He ate into the nuts.
	He vomited it.
	Yeah, I think he runs, he runs out of the he runs out of the studio, and I I went after him, and he stuck he was vomiting for real.
	Yeah, that's a Christmas carrot right there.
	Yeah, see, look, he ran out.
	He ran out.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Um he's dead now, Carl, unfortunately.
	I know.
	So is Vic Henley right there.
	Vic Henley, yeah, unfortunately.
	Um, I think the one thing you would that we can count on, man, is just love.
	It's like that's what you I think like that's one of the messages I feel like from our conversation today.
	It's like you know, there's a lot going on in the world.
	You focus on the things that are in front of you and the things you can handle, and that is really what's important.
	Make your life a little smaller.
	That's what I try to tell my kids, man.
	There's so many things going on in the world.
	Yeah, take little breaks.
	It's like I there's travesty happening all over the world.
	You can't fix everything, but you know what I mean?
	You could sweep up in front of your crib.
	You could sweep up in front of the house, take the garbage out, you know.
	Tell your neighbors to try not to be Nazis if they can.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah, do the right thing even when nobody's watching.
	All that comparison is the thief of joy.
	Mm-hmm.
	Hope is my hedge, faith are my facts.
	I am okay.
	Hope is gay faith.
	Hope is gay faith.
	Faith is also a big time name for gay women.
	Ooh.
	Gay ass faith.
	We next time we talk, we should talk about how certain names could lead people down certain uh sexual paths.
	My name, well, Christopher, my dad, he purposely calls me Christopher and not Chris because he believes that if a man goes with their full first name, that means they're gay.
	So he will, he's he basically calls me gay.
	Okay, like as a joke, but he calls me that he calls me Christopher.
	It's really like he's saying you're gay.
	So and Paul, they're sorry, dude.
	I gotta interrupt you, but we gotta uh you have to go or you're gonna miss your play.
	I gotta go.
	I gotta go to Chicago, dude.
	Um, dude, I love you.
	History hyenas is back, people can check it out.
	Um, you're on tour with some tour dates.
	We'll make sure we put them all up and talk about them in the beginning.
	And uh, I love you, man.
	Good to see you.
	Love you, brother.
	You too, man.
	Now I'm just falling on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
	I must be corner stone.
	Oh, but when I reach that round, I'll share this piece of mine I found.

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