Some of our favorite moments from 2024. Thank you all for the support. Onward...
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They're teaching parents how to search your kids' room to find drugs and gun stuff.
Yeah, did you see this?
You can look at the jewelry box.
A jewelry box of this nature, maybe a simple jewelry box, but if you look through it closely, you don't know what your child may be hiding.
For instance, a gun.
That's from the state of New York.
Make it scary as fuck.
Hold on, hold on.
Start it up.
Yeah, this music is crazy.
You scared the fuck out of these people.
It almost seems like the story before Castlevania starts it, like on a video game.
A jewelry box is a little bit of a game.
Yeah, this is the opening menu.
But if you look through it closely, you don't know what your child may be hiding.
For instance, a gun.
Look at picture frames behind you.
Cameras.
Try to determine what's taking place.
Behind a picture frame, you can find bullets.
You should always, in your child position, that's where you find bullets.
A video games.
Look through it.
Look through his knapsack.
You might find a grenade.
In addition to a bull.
Something simple as a crackpipe.
Something simple as a baby dog.
It's great as a kid.
Secret.
Bro, this is a mayor.
That's unusual.
Like a pillow like this with a button is a perfect invitation to hide something.
I've felt something bumpy.
I will reach in, see what it is.
Just listen.
God only knows.
I'll tell you this, man.
Those DoorDash people see some shit.
You know, in India, they have a cast of people called the Untouchables.
Do they really?
Yes.
You just can't fuck with them.
You can't go near them.
You see them and you look away.
That is kind of.
Don't take offense to this.
But it is when I encounter a food delivery person in the wild, I look away.
No, I will look away.
You don't feel like you're one of them?
A food delivery person?
No.
There's so many other jobs.
I just feel like if you're delivering DoorDash, I just inherently...
I love them as a person.
They're a child of God.
But they're in so much pain.
A lot of times you can see they're in pain.
I can't see.
Really?
They're just listening to Scott Stap usually.
I don't feel like.
I think some of them are in pain.
They're just, it's tough.
It's a hard.
I just, it's hard for me to see and look at.
It's just hard for me to look at.
And we got a love fella in the house today, Riley Mao.
How are you, brother?
Doing well.
Have you blasted that corn stalk yet?
You popped that corn stalk?
Or what's going on with your daddy?
How's your love life, Bubba?
Get us the latest, man.
Well, I almost had something happen yesterday.
No.
Yep, it was during the Super Bowl.
A friend of mine invited me.
Okay.
And we were hanging out and everything was great.
And this other guy shows up.
No, so you met up with the girl?
No, yeah, we were just at a bar.
Okay, you're at a bar?
And a dude showed up?
Yeah.
No.
Yeah, I saw him and I knew something was going to happen.
And what was he wearing?
Was he dressed pretty well?
He just had slacks on and nice jacket.
Fuck him.
I mean, that's...
Yeah.
Oh.
So he rode in, right?
And, okay, so he shows up.
Now, what do you do?
you posturing a little or what happened?
Are you, You know, I'm sitting next to her and everything's going great.
And I get up to use the bathroom.
And once I get back, he...
Go and make toilet.
That's normal.
Go on.
And he's in my seat next to her.
What the F?
A white guy?
No.
Wow.
Wow.
A mixed guy?
Yeah, more darker.
Okay.
A lot of the black girls in our town and stuff would get knocked up by the black guys at a young age.
Yeah.
So all of our black girls disappeared at around 13 years old and got pregnant.
Yeah, and they weren't.
And they're different.
And then they come back and they're just different or they just like, yeah, they have a child now or they have like baby milk on their shoulder or whatever.
Like they were just more advanced.
Like the black kids in our school were more sexually advanced.
They just had sex earlier and stuff.
So I think that was intimidating.
The black girls were intimidating because they had more experience.
Yeah, it's funny.
Sometimes you do talk to a black guys.
He's like, I got head when I was 10. You're like, what?
Like, for real?
Sorry, dude.
It's okay.
This place just went out of business for good.
We were 16, 17 when we hooked up.
Coming at a carnival?
Yeah, she worked for somebody, and I was working out there, and she worked for a friend of mine, another family.
Let me dart that balloon, huh?
She was actually pregnant when we hooked up already, too.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow, that seems crazy cool.
It's definitely odd, but I don't know.
And we're still friends that I still, I mean, Ray Kwan, her son, works for me now.
Yeah, yeah, really?
Yeah, her son works for me.
Was there drug use out there?
A little bit.
Yeah, just a little bit.
So most of the time I'm the server.
You're on the line.
Yeah.
I like to be on the line because I know how fast I could go.
Even if I drop stuff, you know, I just keep on going.
Oh, yeah.
You know, just keep on going.
Just like your lunch lady, Annie.
Well, she was, we had a couple of good lunch ladies.
We had this one lady we had named Sarge, actually.
And she was, I think, a, she loved ladies.
I'll say that.
Oh, yeah.
We had this other lady, Miss Mon Creeff.
She'd always be like, make sure to get your spedaged.
That's what she called.
You spedagetti.
Get your spedaged.
So she would yell at us.
That's funny.
She'd be like, get your spedaged.
And instead of saying cake, she would say like, this is crazy, but she would kind of say like, cack.
So she'd be like, and get you a cut of coconut cack over there.
See, I think we all have to be a little nuts, you know, to be over there so long around our buddies.
You know, most think I am a little off, but it's okay because I've accepted that long time ago.
Dude, Shoni's Inn, bro.
I remember for $11, you could stay at the place, right?
For $15, you could stay and eat, right?
So it was that $4 up charge.
You got that buffet.
Shoni's had an inn, and we would go, bro.
And they also had this premiere buffet for like $2 more.
You could go.
They had like this kind of roped off area of the buffet.
And down there, they had fucking salmon or whatever, you know, damn pick, you know, special pickles, salmon, honeydew.
Honeydew melon.
Like, I never, shit, you'd never seen fucking gay watermelon.
You know what I'm saying?
They had all the special shit.
When you're a kid, all that shit's nice until you get old and you're like, why am I eating this shit?
I'm going to fucking die.
Look at the people around me.
Look what they look like.
And here I am with them about to die.
Now, Willie, what would it take to get you to cheer for another team?
That is a question I would like to know, man.
What amount of money would it take?
Couldn't take no money.
I'm a diehard or tired.
What amount of p would it take?
No pushing or nothing.
I'm a diehard or tidetra.
Now, what if a woman came, and I'm talking a lady came over from Texas A ⁇ M. I'm talking a lady rides up in a Corvette, Willie.
What the tits look like?
With some of that fucking, that real, that real, she got some titties, look like two angry dogs trying to chew on your cock.
Tell me this.
She got that cooter on her, that aggression.
Yeah, but I seen some of them at the airport.
Yeah, baby.
And what do you now?
Oh, man, did some of them have one?
You got the body.
Praise God, baby.
Had one now that a choke of mute.
Yeah, baby.
That's what I'm talking about.
It was a nice building.
They did have a pool at the building.
That was pretty cool.
And I was learning to play guitar at the time.
And so I would go in there.
He'd have some, every now and then he'd have a chick stay overnight, go in there and play Tears and Hidden.
The song about Eric Clapton's son dying.
You know what it's about?
Yeah.
That's a song you would play while the guy was getting son falling out of a window.
No way.
How was it?
Somebody's in the military?
No, he was like a little ass kid, dude.
It's a tragic song.
Oh, dude.
I'm sorry, Eric.
He's alive, yeah.
Oh, man.
So your friend's dad, who's giving you shelter, is getting pussy with one of his eight Viagras.
And he has to battle.
That Viagra's up against that old man's LED and the saddest song, one of the saddest songs of the 90s.
A poor rendition, by the way.
There's no way you were good at it.
You're butchering it.
And it's saddest shit.
I saw you.
Bink, bink.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Bink, bink, bink, bink, bong.
Oh, so my bad.
You know.
Dude, but I would go in there and one time after they would request you to come back.
Wow.
You were the fucking, you were the music for them fucking.
There used to be a show.
It was like Amish, something Amish.
Like something Amish.
And they just wondered.
Something Amish.
Just one dude.
Kept like mowing his grass.
He had to use that old school cutter, and he's like, this sucks.
I was adopted.
I'm not even supposed to be Amish.
He said, I'm not even supposed to be.
Yuri Dude is fucking hilarious.
It's like a flight that never takes off.
You're just sitting there.
Man, I wish you could pick your cases.
Like, I wish they had like a menu like, oh, here's the cases they're doing today.
Because then I could see if I want to pretend like I'm racist or not to try and get out of it.
Oh, yeah.
You got to dress.
Yeah.
I roll right in there and tell them I'm racist.
What t-shirt are you wearing?
And last time they're like, we have so many races here today.
We still have to ask you guys a couple questions.
We got to filter through that, see how racist you are.
Like we just go and grab a random group of 100 of America's dumbest people and be like, hey, sit in this room.
We're going to use 10 of you to solve this murder.
It blows my mind.
Well, it's the craziest part about it is.
This bitch works at a Leslie's pool supply and now they're fucking in charge of a murder.
Now they're trying to figure out who killed Kennedy right here.
And some guy's like, I don't know the difference between a cucumber and a pickle.
And you want me to decide on this jury?
This is a Fud Ruckers manager.
You ever been in a pyramids game?
No.
I've been in a couple.
My buddy won his family's football pool.
It was like their NCA, their college football pool they did every year.
He won was like $600, dude.
He was so excited.
He could have changed his life.
And instead, his mom convinced him to buy a Christmas village of like rare Christmas village houses.
Oh, yeah.
They're back.
They're back.
They're happening right now.
My buddy to this day is.
He's big into Christmas houses.
No rent.
Renting much.
The tenants don't make much noise.
And the streetlights are always on.
Electric bills are low.
Running into a lot of issues, but God, that just broke him, man.
He never recovered from that.
Dude, I met a dude yesterday in Tennessee.
He said he took out an $800 of life insurance policy on his wife.
I'm like, $800?
That's pretty insulting.
Well, yeah, that's what I felt like.
When I say I know them, I was probably a kid and there was people that worked around Where I live with my, and I think they did crack.
That was a rumor.
Wow.
But I don't really know what crack does.
It's a functional, like the my pillow guy.
Um, he did it his whole building the pillows, you know, really?
Yeah.
Oh, so good things can come out of it.
Like, they're also crack success stories.
You know what I'm saying?
Oh, wow.
Is that what the secret is?
It's like cracking.
It's like they dust a pillow at crack before they ship it.
People are like, yo, this is the best fucking pillow I've ever had in my life.
This is my pillow.
You can't add that shit.
It's like crack bae, that guy like this, you know?
He just.
There's a guy on the assembly line just like, as they pass.
I was going to say, probably, I wish meth had like a birth control aspect to it.
Oh, man.
But I would go white claw.
I think it does.
I think when you smoke meth, just everything dries up.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah, maybe that's true.
I never smoked it.
I always wanted to smoke crack.
I never got to smoke crack.
God damn.
It's.
Did you ever smoke it?
Oh, yeah.
Really?
Oh, fuck yeah.
No way, dude.
Damn.
Dude, you know, my body figured I was tweaking and like, you know, and they showed me how to, they're like, you got a light bulb?
And I'm like, yeah.
And so they showed me how to take the little silver thing off the bulb and you can take it out and then you put some warm salt water in there and switch it around.
You get all that white shit off the bulb.
Then you got a nice clear bulb.
So then you kind of just tap some shit down in there and you can burn it and smoke it.
So whatever.
I hit the shit.
Woo!
All of a sudden, where's my guitar?
I want to play guitar so bad.
So for two days, I sat there playing.
Two fucking days.
I didn't eat.
I don't even think I pissed.
It was insane.
And then two days later, somebody finally snaps me out of it by knocking on my door.
It was my friend Brendan, Brendan Lauer.
And I hear the knock on the slider door and I'm like, oh, fucking I put my guitar down.
I'll be right back.
Like, don't, like, I hate to leave you.
Like, oh, you know, I wanted that guitar so bad still after two days straight of playing it.
And I'll go open the door and my friend Brennan's there.
He's like, what the fuck's all over your face?
And I'm like, what?
And I go in the bathroom and I look in the mirror and my face is all green and I'm like, oh, fuck.
Like, I thought it was like from the meth or something.
It was like, oh, no, my skin's turning green.
And it was from like the sh, I was playing my guitar for so long that the bronze on my strings had like gone to my fingers and I had touched my face.
Wow.
And so I had green shit on my face from my guitar strings.
And I was like, I was so twacked out, you know, I didn't know what the fuck was going on.
I took this girl home from the bar the other night.
I just, something caught me, you know.
It was just different.
Something different about her, you know.
She was kind of shy, but I liked her.
So I got her home and when we pulled her pants off, she had nipples on her butt cheeks, man.
It was so strange.
I didn't know how to feel about it.
Nipples on her butt cheeks?
Wow.
How to feel about it?
Feel about it with them hands, baby.
What are you talking about?
Those are extra tits, bro.
Now, I wouldn't motorboat them or you're going to end up in some dirty oil.
You feel me?
But those are extra tits, brother.
It's great to challenge yourself and to push new limits and go to different heights.
You know what I'm saying?
And be tough on yourself.
But you also got to give yourself some grace.
That's where that balance come in.
Yeah.
So if you down in you all the time, how is that going to make you feel?
Down, depressed.
Oh, my goodness.
Now I got to do this.
Now I got to do that.
Now I got to revert to this.
Versus like, man, like, if I'm like, okay, I didn't fail.
Okay.
I'm not the only person to fail.
You know what I'm saying?
Okay.
How I get up out of this?
You know what I'm saying?
Who I need to talk to to get up out of this?
You know what I'm saying?
Like a lawyer, usually.
You're never supposed to say you're competitive, but I want, you know, there's been a lot of music biopics.
Yeah.
And I wanted to do a great fucking job, man.
I love Bob Dylan.
I love this artist.
None of this is for granted.
This little misconception about actors too in acting.
You can have a cushy job on a TV show.
If you don't give a fuck about your work, it could be a great lifestyle, right?
You're making like high six figures, maybe low seven figures, and you're just showing up when you want.
If you give a fuck about what you're doing, these are long ass days.
You know what I mean?
These are 14 hour days, six days a week sometimes, you know, three months.
Look, I know people got it way harder, but I want to feel that grit.
You know, I want to feel it.
You know, I hope people don't laugh at it.
I fucking really, I feel like I'm the hardest working man.
Anyway, maybe I shouldn't say that, but.
No, you respect what you do.
Yeah, because you got to.
What else is the point?
I talk about this to friends a lot.
Like, this is too weird a lifestyle to be nonchalant about.
Yeah.
Why do this?
Yeah.
If you're not going to go as hard as possible.
What do you guys see on the cameras?
And did you guys ever catch anybody having sex or anything like that?
We've seen a lot on camera.
I've seen people getting head.
I've seen it all.
Oh, yeah.
That's one vote for Trump right there.
Hell yeah.
But we had a direct incident with one of our guards.
Okay.
So.
And what rank was he?
He was a no-striper.
No stripe.
He was a no-stripe.
He was a baggy pant, dicky-wearing guy like me.
Good guy, though.
But he was messing around with the girl from Cinnabon.
He was.
Yeah.
So the girl from Cinnabon, we were watching her go from Cinnabon to the parking lot to her car.
Okay.
But she was walking with a guy.
Oh, she's walking with a guy to her car.
And I think he was in.
I think he was the employee, one of the employees from the movie theater.
She goes in there.
We could clearly tell they're doing some shit.
He leaves.
Within five minutes, somebody else comes walking up.
It's our guard.
He gets in the car.
No.
They start doing their thing.
Was it a Honda Accord?
It was Nissan Ultima.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ultima, for sure.
So the company starts growing, right?
And in addition to people helping each other get jobs, people were helping each other, people were starting relationships on there.
I went on dates off of Craigslist before, you know?
Good.
I mean, I would use casual encounters too, you know?
It's like that was sometimes I met a girl one time and we watched a Nets game and made love, honestly.
And she let me sign her cast, right?
And I was like, you know, and it was, we had a great time.
I think we, I think we dated.
Well, there's, there's no accounting for taste.
Yeah.
But I'm glad.
I'm glad.
Yeah, I know who wants to be a Nets fan.
I need Caleb Presley biblically.
And that's your best friend.
I just texted with him today.
Festival guy.
I have a crush on him that's like...
It's bad.
Because he's another SEC boy, right?
Tennessee.
He went to North Carolina.
Yep.
He went to North Carolina.
Why is he?
He's like a Volunteers fan.
But he is a Volunteers fan.
He says he played at North Carolina.
He didn't.
He's a liar and a cheat.
True, but he's handsome.
It is true.
And he is extremely unique.
You guys are similar, I think.
You guys are doing a really nice time.
You think?
We look a little related.
Oh, I think so.
Maybe it's true.
You guys both have blue eyes.
Yeah.
You have blonde hair.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I have the same facial hair as him.
Oh, damn.
Have you been married before?
No.
No.
It was your first marriage.
Yeah, I was with, I've had three really long-term relationships.
I had already felt so fucking terrible about cheating on girls.
I always got caught.
Inevitably, I got caught.
And those were the, like, I can remember those phone calls and trying to explain why it didn't, you didn't care.
Those are anything worse than that.
Oh, my God.
Well, it's tied with driving to someone's apartment to tell them that you're breaking up.
I mean, those, those two for me are like, I've had a lot of motorcycle injuries.
I'd take them a million times before I'd ever drive to someone's apartment and just say, like, I think we're in different places.
Yeah.
And they're like, no shit.
Sometimes I have a tough time feeling proud of myself.
Do you know what that, you know, and I think I've had other people calling our show that have talked about that, you know?
What do you think it is?
I don't know.
I feel like I almost feel like it's just, there's a disconnect.
Like it doesn't even land on me.
Or I feel like maybe if I feel like I'm proud of myself, like if I actually feel proud of myself, it'll go against some script that I've always had written or some thing that was always written inside of me.
You know, it's like it, it's almost like it wouldn't, if I wrote on the wall of myself, I'm proud of you, it wouldn't even fucking show up on the wall.
What emotion would you feel if you saw that?
Like what emotion would I feel if I saw what?
I'm proud of myself.
Would you go bullshit?
Would you say be pissed off by it?
Would you be annoyed?
Would you just no, I think I feel ashamed of myself for even thinking it.
That's interesting.
And it produced an emotion in you just now when you just thought about it.
I saw that flash in your eyes.
It was just a little bit of water.
Oh, yeah.
A little bit of fluid.
Oh, yeah, dude.
Fuck.
We crown you every week.
All right.
Beautiful.
No, it's okay.
But yeah, we don't have any shame about that.
Oh, you shouldn't.
But I'm saying liquid leaving your body in a public place as long as it's through your eyes is not a problem.
That's what I'm talking about.
Don't ask, don't ask.
All this deady stuff going on, man.
What are you...
You never were in his.
You met him, right, but never went out, right?
Is it scary when people get to a level of wealth that they can kind of have anything?
Yeah.
Right.
But there'll be like 50 servants, right?
Five people to answer the door, six people that just specialize in toast, right?
Just ridiculous shit, right?
And all of them, like, how do you live like this?
You know, because it's bad enough.
Like, I have too big a house.
And so you have to have people there to clean it and stuff like that.
And there's no privacy just with that.
And there's people that'll have like 10 people in the house at all times.
Yeah.
And I don't see how they live, right?
Dude, I remember when I first got a clean lady to come once a week, I helped her like the first month.
I felt horrible.
Dude, Trump.
Yeah, man, insane.
Took the hit, though.
Oh, it was crazy, dude.
Yeah.
That image, him yelling, fight.
Yeah, fight.
My God.
I didn't know.
Put that on the American flag.
Yeah.
You know, put that right where the stars are.
This fucking dude.
Now, this could be easily an actor.
That's me.
That is me.
Me with one of those silicone masks on from him.
It's like the Guy Fieri hat that you buy at the store that comes with the hair.
His face is going, well, he was up there.
We was yelling.
They didn't know.
But we could hear him.
So we walked up.
Oh, it is a fake hat.
Probably five to seven minutes of Trump speaking.
I'm estimating here.
I have no idea.
He's got chew in, too.
He's got chew stuck in his neck.
We noticed the guy crawling, army, you know, bear crawling up the roof of the building beside us, 50 feet away from us.
So we're standing there, you know, we're pointing at the guy crawling up the roof.
And he had a gun, right?
I'm going to call this dude up.
Go do something, dude.
Yeah, what are you doing?
You're pointing at him for two minutes when you fucking just finishing a beer.
Fucking 50 feet away.
God gives you one chance to be a fucking hero.
And instead, you pop open another fucking bush light, dude.
Both of these gentlemen are just interesting creatures.
These are actors, dude.
This is a fucking, the backup, dude.
They got this dude off of Timu, this announcer.
Look what he's even using to interview him.
Yeah.
That's a mop in a microphone.
That's a Swiffer.
What is the current immigration policy?
Is that a fair question?
As you can see.
So it depends on, so again, it's so vast.
Like, are you coming over here as a tourist?
Then you get a visa for six months.
So if you come here to work, you got to get a work.
You got to have a passport and a worker visa.
Now, there are so many types of visas from, you know, from entertainment to family to work.
And it really just depends on what it is you're after.
If you're coming here and you have a valid passport and you want to be a tourist for six months, you get a tourist visa and you get it stamped and you fly in or drive in.
You come to the port of entry and you're free to move out the country for six months.
If you overstay, then you could be deported.
So why do people not want to use the pathways, the legal pathways to immigration?
It takes too much time.
The line's so long.
You're my mother's absolute favorite, dude, just because this is why she's probably never heard any of your music, but because you say what you want to say.
I came out with middle fingers on my CDs, like running my mouth.
It's like, I always say, and I sound redundant probably, but I haven't changed.
The times have changed.
I've been doing the same thing since day one.
Dude, you know what?
I think that's really true about you because sometimes I think some things you say, I'm like, it seems like the, sometimes I'll be like, that seems kind of outdated, but the truth is just the times have changed.
I was talking cash money shit since I was broke when I was young.
Yeah.
I've talked cash money shit.
I probably came out of the womb talking cash money shit.
Yeah.
And they're like, it's a boy, it's a girl.
It's somebody talking shit.
That's all we know.
Crazy, dude.
Just because like, I mean, obviously, like, so many people tell you all the time, just, you know, Dr. Fielder, just so much of just like, I mean, my brother would beat me, beat me to you guys's music.
That's crazy.
Yeah.
I was the drum dude.
I was a snare for my brother.
And it was awesome, but it was loving, you know, like, how bad was it like when addiction hit you guys' band and stuff?
Was that pretty crazy?
When you're looking around and you're seeing the guys in your band, everybody's this close from not waking up again.
You know?
You know, that kind of shit.
And, you know, and you've reached a level of like doing crazy shit.
Like when you're shooting fucking Jack Daniels in your arm because you ran out of heroin, when you could just drink the fucking jack and be like, just fucking drink.
We're out of heroin.
But if we shoot it, it'll be fucking better.
It's just alcohol.
Like when you're doing dumb shit like that, we're like, I think it's someone's going to die here soon.
Like we should all, and we did it as a band.
We were like, you know, we'd take handfuls of fucking halcyons, they were called, and then we'd fucking go out for the night.
But those are all, these are all fucking like downers and sleeping pills.
So like, who does that?
We're doing such dumb, dangerous shit that everybody was like, all right, that's it.
We're all going to do this together.
And we just, it was like 89, we all went to fucking rehab.
Together?
Dude.
Different rehabs, but yeah.
For me, I was mixing so much stuff, so much stuff.
This kid was all over the fucking place.
But you can hear it in the music now.
Sometimes we go back for laughs and we'll listen to some of the shit I made when I was like in psychosis.
What would you say is the most fucked up you ever were for an album?
I want to die in New Orleans.
I think mine is.
I was literally in psychosis from doing so much speed and downers, bro.
I thought Southwest Airlines was trying to kill me.
You told me that story.
I thought Kyle took a life insurance policy out of me for $70,000.
This motherfucker is that, bro, that's the most New Orleans shit ever.
Somebody takes a life insurance policy out for $700, bro.
Just for want to make it their truck payment.
That's the fucking most New Orleans shit, bro.
I remember that.
We were in New Zealand when he told me that.
He thought that they were putting a hit out on us.
He thought like...
I put them through hell, bro.
At one point, I was starting to get really impatient with it because I was tired of explaining that this insane theory wasn't actually happening.
I thought he had my phone tax.
This is one time he quit Suicide Boys on Twitter.
I don't know if you remember that.
Oh, I remember.
And I remember where I was.
At the time, he had just bought a condo in Bradenton, Florida, outside of Sarasota.
And I can't get in touch with him.
Kyle can't get in touch with him.
And we decide let's go out there.
Let's just press him.
Let's be in person.
So long story short, we fly down there, rent a car, drive to his apartment.
And he doesn't expect us.
He doesn't know we're coming.
We go upstairs and I knock on the door and he's like, one second.
And I think to myself, like, man, I just flew out here.
Fuck that.
I'm not waiting a second.
I was like, bro, I'm here.
What's up?
Like, what's the problem?
And he was like, give me a second.
He had to go to the bathroom, do his little thing, catch my drift.
And then we came outside.
He was ready to talk.
And this long story to say, I was trying to like see, I was like, is he fucking with me?
Is he lying to me?
Is he thinking I'm, does he think I'm stupid?
Or does he actually believe this shit?
And is he fucking crazy?
Yeah.
So I had to sit him down.
I was like, bro, this Southwest thing, do you think that the board, like of like the people on the board of Southwest sit in a boardroom?
Southwest Airlines.
Southwest Airlines and they discuss how we're going to assassinate Scrim from Suicide Boys.
And he looked at me dead in the eyes, the most serious look on his face, and he goes, yes.
And I lost my mind, bro.
I took my phone and I threw it on the, I was trying to hit the grass, but I hit the sidewalk.
The fucker sparked it.
And that pissed you off even more.
Yeah, yeah.
I thought they were trying to kill me because my brother had bootlegged one of our tracks because he was bad off on dope and sold it to this person for like 800 bucks, but actually didn't give him the song and just scammed him.
And I thought the person he scammed was the son of somebody on the board of Southwest and they were just going to take me out.
To speak on the other side of things, I'm thinking what is coming out of his mouth, is it real or not?
Come to find out the story of his brother stealing a song and selling it is true.
And I'm sitting there and I feel bad because I'm like been calling him a liar in my head and all this shit.
And then I find out it's true.
So then I'm like, all right, so is all of this true?
I still refuse to believe that the board of Southwest is meeting to discuss his assassination, but I had my brother and my family, bro.
It was a crazy fucking time.
Bro, I was very convincing.
There's a guy living at our house at the moment.
And he was like trying to get off work to just come down and just say hi.
Oh, and just mill around?
Like the loitering, they call it.
Yeah, yeah.
I think you guys, loitering must be a British thing, huh?
Because we wouldn't say that.
Loitering.
What would you say?
We'd be like, oh, yeah, stalking.
Well, stalking is more like once you've loitered and you see something in the window, you know.
You see something, you see a bit of tits in the distance or something.
But yeah, that's stalking.
Yeah, yeah.
And then it's breaking and entering, you know.
And then it's marriage, usually.
If you have a way with Words, I think.
Here's a couple of Viettes right here.
Bring them up.
And this is Yan Mare.
Damn, this fucking kid is risking, bro.
full allowance this week.
God damn it.
Yes.
Look at his face.
How does he even know how to feel all this?
I got a game on tour right now.
This kid could also be 40 years old, dude.
We don't know what's going on, bro.
Unreal if that's a real person and not AI.
No one's going to know.
The kids aren't going to remember this fucking guy.
Dude, most people can't even see that far.
How far can people see usually?
What do you mean?
I'm just saying, like, how far can somebody see?
The average sight distance for a person with normal vision is about three miles.
Get fucked, dude.
When standing on a flat surface with their eyes about five feet above the ground.
That is bullshit.
I thought it was like 70 feet or something.
Why are you asking this question?
I'm not sure exactly, I guess.
We were just talking about David Spade, average read.
I just got a cyber truck, too.
Oh, you were telling me that?
Yeah.
You got it?
Yeah.
How is it?
It's wild, bro.
I mean, for one, you feel like you kind of work at Lowe's kind of a little because it feels like you're supposed to be like delivering something to somebody, but you never drop it off.
What do you put back there?
I don't.
Well, no, it's just the whole car feels a little bit like an appliance.
Yeah.
So it feels like sometimes somebody's just going to open up the back and just put a TV dinner in it.
It just has this like kind of, or just put a load of laundry in there, just press a button.
It has an appliance-y kind of feel, but then it makes this sound when you go fast and it literally feels like you're going into the future.
Nice.
And some people don't know what it is.
Like there was a guy who like, I don't know if he was homeless or not, but he just, he just seemed really homeless.
And he, he was like, what is it?
What is it?
You know, and then he just kind of started yelling at it and just cracked a beer open.
And I was like, God.
Being married to a gay man would be fun because there's a feminine energy to him that would be like almost like having a girlfriend.
Oh, it's the largest Pomeranian you can have if you're a woman is a gay husband.
Yeah, I like it.
That's what I said.
I feel like that would be your type if you dated black girls.
I'm willing to date a nice black girl.
Yeah, yeah.
What is, I mean.
A black girl that's nice?
What does she look like?
Like, describe her.
Just tall, kind of.
Has some booty on her, bro.
Yeah, I knew that.
I knew that.
And some of the titty went into the booty.
I was like, damn, this is a whole...
I'm trying to imagine that.
It was just a...
Like Coke bottle shape.
I mean, she looked like the letter S, bro.
Yeah.
And she was really pretty eyes.
Yeah.
Nice.
Soft spoken.
Looked at me twice.
One time I hung around for a long time for the second look.
But it still counts.
It was a little weird at that point.
It still counts.
But yeah, it was a little weird.
And I waved and I walked off, bro.
And the wave was what fucking fucked me up.
What type of fucking guy waves?
See, that's going to turn black women off.
I know.
You don't do that shit.
You got to be a little bit gangster.
You got to be straight up.
They want straightforward, especially coming from you.
You know what I'm saying?
One of our white brothers in the community.
I think more black women want you to be, you got to be more assertive.
Not too much, because you know how y'all get.
But y'all got a meter.
None of that turn back the clock shit.
I'm a modern day soldier, brother.
You get what I'm saying?
Oh, yeah.
Like, yeah.
100%, buddy.
None of that going back to the 1800s bullshit.
I'm saying, like, be assertive as if, like, 20. Yeah, 2012 and up assertive, right?
You're fine as hell.
You are beautiful.
Yeah.
And I would like to see you soon.
That works.
But you got to be, you got to give them a little.
They want to feel the oomph.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm a colonel of this motherfucker.
You get what I'm saying?
Yeah, what's your kiddo like?
I don't know if I...
Oh, it's a baby.
It's a girl.
Were you there when she was born?
I pulled her out of the coochie.
No, you didn't.
Yeah, you did.
They let me bring my katana in.
What kind of shoes did you wear?
Close-toed, obviously.
I don't know if there's anybody.
Close-toed shoes.
I think that's what God wants.
Yeah, you'd have to.
Anybody that wears open-toed shoes to their child's birth is obviously, first of all, a Jimmy Buffett fan.
Well, fuck yeah.
Well, that's the one exception.
I think Jimmy Buffett could wear thongs to the child's birth, I think.
Well, what are you supposed to wear?
Like, oh, I was saying, I pulled her right out.
No way you did.
By the head, I did.
I got gluffed up.
And they let you do it.
There's not somebody there.
Is there a lifeguard or something?
Well, I don't know.
My doctor was such a baller.
And is the mom awake during this?
Yes, sir.
Okay.
She's full awake.
She's not on her phone or anything, is she?
She's on Clash of Clans.
Oh, that's amazing.
You can see him right there begging for a sip.
Yeah.
He's in.
That's Deep Roy, isn't it?
That's not a child.
It's deep, right?
And Roy's getting...
She's just beyond.
This is a new headshot.
Yeah, headshot.
So Deep Roy has pretended to be an infant.
This is going to be a newspaper article.
Whitney Cummings was actually Deep Roy.
I wouldn't be surprised.
There's a lot of...
Little people are going undercover.
They just had the Russian girl who spake to The family to be able to eat and survive.
So they're just going to have to, you know, and Whitney, because Whitney is busy.
She's busy.
That's the thing with Whitney, a great mom and everything, but she's busy.
She's got a lot going on.
So she might not notice if her son is Deep Roy.
She might not notice if she's got Deep Roy.
Oh, if you got a fucking young baby who's just in an Elvis outfit.
She might like how quickly he's growing.
And like, she might be like, well, my baby's so impressive.
He's speaking.
He's speaking Hindu.
He's dressed like Elvis.
Yeah, he's doing great.
My God's done a great job.
I mean, how would you approach that?
I was a kid.
Your wife is allergic to the fucking, you know what I mean, cat, and I'm your kid.
Be real.
Don't do comedy.
Don't do comedy right now.
Okay.
I would probably get a shot.
I'm your dad.
I'm your son.
Okay.
Hey, Dan.
Bubby.
No, no.
Do it.
Sorry, just do it like me.
Wait, you don't have to have an Asian accent.
I don't know what country.
No, no, no.
You're you.
Okay.
Got it.
I didn't know what you were in.
I don't know where you're going to have an Asian accent.
I didn't know what country we were in.
No, who's American country?
Who is a fuck?
Well, give me a setting then.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You have to be that specific?
Yeah, you're just okay.
You live in Nashville.
Okay.
Your wife is Wyatt.
You're my son.
Yeah, I'm not Asian.
All right.
Make believe that I'm your biological son.
Okay.
Right?
Yeah.
Hey, daddy.
Hey, Chucky, what's up?
I don't know.
The people don't even get thought of anymore, it feels like a lot of times.
And here's the toughest part I think, Bernie, is as a person who has felt like in their life, maybe their father died in a war, their grandfather died in a war, and they've been tried to pay their taxes and be a considerate person in their town or their country.
After a while, those good people start, it starts to erode a little because they don't feel like, and they lose their sense of purpose.
Man, when you lose the fabric of your society, a lot of people, that's how they, they didn't even realize it.
A lot of us don't even realize that's, we identify as an American.
And when you realize, well, America, it's nothing, but it's a, it's a shell LLC for fucking big corporations, then what am I?
I'm just a, I'm just an idiot.
You know, you almost feel ashamed of yourself, you know, or you can, you know, anyway, just, I don't know.
A lot of that stuff just, I just don't see how people think that that's good or how you're going to still be able to get people to buy in.
Theo, I think you said it better than I did.
I mean, I agree with you.
I think a lot of people are ashamed.
They're giving up.
They're hurting.
Yeah.
Many of these people have fought and died or their families have fought and died in wars.
And they're good people.
And maybe they're, you know, nurses and business people.
Yeah, anything, crossing guard, male.
Exactly.
They believe in their community.
Yeah.
And meanwhile, they're getting ripped off by people on top politically and economically.
Well, even the radio, like you're saying, it's like you used to have like a newspaper and it meant something.
Your community meant something.
It used to be that your grandpa worked at the factory and they made the table that you have in your home.
And so everything had a story to it.
There's some connection.
And now it's like we're buying stuff from countries that they're making it.
They don't care.
We're using it.
We don't care.
There's no story.
Nobody has any like, there's no, there's no thread.
You know, the thread just gets thin.
That's a very profound point you just made.
And so how do we get it back?
You know?
It ain't easy.
Yeah.
But I think you hit the nail on the head.
And you don't drink or smoke, right?
I don't drink or smoke.
You never have?
No, I never have.
I had a great brother who taught me a lesson.
Don't drink.
What was his name, Donald?
His name was Fred, Fred Trump.
So I never had a cigarette, and I've never had a glass of alcohol.
And my brother was incredible.
He would tell me, because he knew he had a problem, and he'd say, don't ever drink, don't ever smoke.
He'd always add smoking because he did smoke a lot.
Did you guys ever do anything fun together, like one nice memory that you have with him?
He had a great talent for flying.
He was a pilot.
Oh, sweet.
And he loved it.
Did you ever fly with him?
I did.
I flew with him.
He was a great pilot and very talented.
Other pilots would come to his house to study with him.
Watch him fly.
And he was really talented at that.
But ultimately, he had to give that because of the alcohol.
He had to give that up, which was a hard thing for him to do, but he had to give that up.
I saw where you had your mom was out and you congratulated her on, she almost has 10 years of sobriety, you said?
That's right.
Yeah.
In January?
January of 2025.
She will be 10 years clean and sober.
What was it like growing up with an alcoholic mother?
And no judgment against your mother.
This is just to look at it, right?
Yeah, sure.
I appreciate that.
Yeah.
What is that like?
Like, is it hard to make a connection with your mom?
Like, what are some of the side effects of that on a child?
Even as a young kid, I sort of very neatly divided the world into like three categories of people, right?
There were the helpless people, the victims, the people who needed to be helped.
There were the bad guys who were preying on the victims.
And then there were the strong people who sort of stood up for everybody else and stood up to the bad guys.
That's like, you know, that's overly simplistic.
But definitely, you know, I saw my mom growing up very much as this person who was kind of a victim and was being preyed on by bad people, right?
And then the person who was sort of looking up for us and standing up for me, especially was my grandmother.
And I think that attitude of, you know, some people are just not as strong as we wish them to be.
And I probably went into the Marine Corps.
I was pretty whiny, pretty resentful kid, was pissed off at my mom, was pissed off at all these other people because I didn't have the things that I thought I should have.
And then eventually, yeah, there's me when I was much, much skinnier, much better looking.
The Marines, dude, that was the original Ozimpic.
That's right.
There's a lot of Asians for Trump out there.
Do you know that?
How do Asians feel about Trump?
Let's say it, man.
Can I say something to you?
Yeah.
I'm not the president of Asians.
You seem to think that I'm their leader.
Like every month there's a gathering, right?
And I get all this information from people.
Yeah.
And then I go out to the world, I'm their spokesperson or something.
I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
You're like Kim Jong.
No, not Kim Jong-u.
You're like a smaller version.
You're like Scam Jong-here.
There was one lady that covered the Trump thing.
I think this was an Asian lady.
Do you see the thing?
Covered the time that we interviewed Trump.
This is kind of self-aggrandizing or whatever.
Oh, here we go.
But that's not even all.
Trump has wooed this hyper-masculine online culture deeply.
During a recent podcast with the comedian Theo Won, instead of talking about economy or immigration or healthcare or the global conflicts, they discussed cocaine addiction.
No.
Did you eat?
Did you really?
Cocaine addiction.
And some people are just food, just real creeps when it comes to eating.
You know, I've had owl.
I don't know if you can say it or not, but.
No, you can't.
Well, I didn't.
You just did.
I didn't have it.
You ate an owl?
You just said you did, though.
Huh?
You just said you had an owl.
Did he not just say he had owl?
I didn't do it.
Wait a minute.
I think he said eagle.
Yeah.
No, I didn't say eagle, dude.
And if I did, it was a wigged eagle.
I don't need bald eagle.
No, but I did have, we had an owl.
My sister grilled up two owls.
You just said you had a little bit of a drink.
What's your problem?
Ronnie did it.
No.
That's what I'm saying.
I eat anything.
You're a freaking owl eater.
A bald eater.
He didn't have a lot.
Didn't have a lot.
There's not a lot to him.
That's the trick.
He didn't swallow.
You didn't inhale.
You know, Thanksgiving, it's interesting that even time says, hey, hold on.
I need you to give some thanks.
I need you to, you have to have some gratitude here.
You know, and I think that, to me, that's pretty fascinating, that that is a speed bump that's been put into our calendar.
It's just built in there.
You know, it's a comma that says, hey, care, right?
Care about the things that have happened to you.
You know, find things to have gratitude for.
And see, I want to think about those today and just things that I'm thankful for.
I'm thankful, yeah, being able to whisper.
That's a big one.
I'm so thankful for that because otherwise everybody in your family would just wouldn't know how you felt about them.
You're asking me what I've been up to.
I've been visiting schools.
Now I have to like look at real schools because my oldest daughter's going to turn five.
So that's like kindergarten.
So she has to get to like the real school system.
And we were looking at this one place and they have plainclothes just like guards now with guns.
So it's kind of sick.
I was like, dude, I really want to retire and become a plainclothes, just walk around a school, just grow like a ponytail and just be a teacher.
That's all you do all day.
You carry a gun.
You just wait for like some nerd to pop off and you just blast them.
Dude, that would be honorable, man.
What if you start tripping in your head and thinking that somebody's like, some kid is like plotting and stuff?
Like, I'm like the true detective.
I'm Russ Cole of School Security.
I'd have to wait till they pop.
They'd have to pull out first.
I'd think you would set a kid off.
I feel like you're going to say that.
No, I'm sad.
You're saying like, get like all tripped out.
Like, damn, is this kid getting paranoid?
Like, I know these motherfuckers.
Damien's up to some.
I know he's packing.
No, I would just wait.
I would chill.
I'd do my thing.
And the moment one of those motherfuckers pulled out the steel, I would just be there ready to die and just walk him down.
Oh, God.
That's your job.
So Beast Games, that's the show.
Yeah.
So before this, we were shown on episode one of a show I have coming out December 19th.
Yeah, you said there's a lot of world records that were broken in the shooting of this series.
Yeah, 40 Guinness World Records.
Wow.
Yeah.
We have like so many plaques now that we have up on our wall.
I'm basically making a wall out of Guinness plaques just from the show.
What are some of the records you guys broke?
Most contestants ever in a show, largest cash prize in a show, most cameras recording at once in a show.
Most people, which you saw.
Yeah.
And a show, like, most money given away in the first episode of a show.
Just like stuff like that.
Yeah.
Oh, that's the most people probably since 9-11, I would think.
Oh, my gosh.
We might have to take that out.
Yeah, and I shouldn't have said that.
I'll say something else.
Yeah, I haven't seen that many people at the same time.
Wait, why was there a cut before you say what you're saying right now?
Oh, there's just we needed something.
You had to use the bathroom.
Yeah.
Just had to use the.
Yeah, I'd already soiled the conversation.
Oh, that's the most people at once that I'd seen since I was in the parking lot of a widespread panic concert, you know?
But that was LSD.
That kind of works a little.
Yeah, I think that's, honestly, you should keep the first one.
There we go, dude.
But if I've done one thing well, it's what I call failure.
And that is I ran for sophomore, junior, and senior class presidents.
I lost three times.
And based on my track record, I decided to run for student body president where I went on to wait for it, lose.
I've started nine businesses.
Seven have failed.
I can't tell you how many women in Whole Foods and other places and other retail establishments I've been rejected by.
But the reason I get to live the life I lead, the reason I'm with a very high character, attractive person, is because I have always been able to endure rejection.
And that is the key.
That is the skill.
Because one of the great things about America is we don't embrace failure.
That's bullshit, but we tolerate it.
If your business fails, but you're a good person, usually your investors will back you again.
And if you approach a woman and express interest and she's not interested, you're both going to be fine.
And show me a guy.
Show me a guy.
You know, we all know that guy.
You think, okay, he's a nice guy.
He's modestly successful.
He's not that attractive.
And he's with just such a high quality woman.
That guy is not afraid of rejection.
That guy cycled through nine women who said, get the fuck away from me.
Yeah.
Before he found that one woman who gave him a chance to be funny, kind.
She was drawn to his smell.
She liked the way he treated his parents.
The key to success in America is what Winston Churchill said, and that is the willingness to fail or your ability to fail and not lose your sense of enthusiasm.
There was a study done in Australia.
I used to work in palliative care as a doctor looking after dying people.
You know what the top regret of dying people was?
That they didn't have the courage to be themselves.
And the third top regret was that they didn't have the courage to express their emotions.
They pretended to be happy when they were not and so on.
So the question for the rest of us is do we want to wait till some terminal illness wakes us up or should we just confront the fact that in so many ways we're afraid to be authentic because we're so afraid of being rejected?
You've really taken over America.
Dude, you've kind of become like a stitch in the American flag.
I feel like you're like this thing that everybody feels like they can believe in, you know?
There was a time last year and I just like had a prayer where I was like, I want to be happy.
I want to travel and I want to meet people.
And God answered me like crazy.
Like, really?
Yeah.
Wow.
And you really were praying that?
Yeah.
No, he humbled me for sure.
Wow, man.
That's powerful, huh?
Yeah, no.
Power and prayer.
You're going to pay me to go fucking relive my life.
Like, if you said, hey, Sean, you want to go hit the restart button?
Like, fuck you.
Really?
Fuck no.
The school system's like, oh, Sean, like, he's just a bad kid.
They don't realize him up till three o'clock in the morning.
Like, you know, late.
I mean, fuck, dude.
I remember.
It's hard to stay up late and learn.
Dude, I remember, like, laying in bed.
Like, I remember I stopped believing in God, man.
Like, fucking, like, I had fucking, yeah, it's crazy shit, dude.
Crazy shit, man.
Yeah.
It's okay, man.
It's a lot of that said, dude.
I used to be scared at night.
Like, I used to stand up.
Like, I heard when I was a kid that, like, if you peed around your, like, animals could pee somewhere that other animals wouldn't come.
You know what I'm talking about?
You know what I'm talking about?
Huh?
Have you ever heard that?
Yeah, I'm sorry, bud.
So, ah, man.
I'm sorry, buddy.
That's all good, dude.
We don't have to talk, man.
I can just sit here with you for a minute.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Six seconds.
I can just sit here.
We can just sit here.
Nah, it's all good, dude.
Six seconds.
Just process it.
I think some hard things that people don't understand, like trauma, you know?
Yeah.
Sometimes it just comes out.
Like I remember, I have a hole in my gum.
Yeah, when I was a kid, I used to scratch my gum.
I have a hole in my gum.
Just from being nervous and stuff?
Nah, just anxiety, you know?
Yeah, even to this day.
Yeah.
I mean, in the day, dude, like, I'm a grown-ass man.
I don't give a fuck.
I mean, you could post this.
I don't care.
Oh, dude, I don't have any.
No, it's all good, dude.
I mean, it's what it is, dude.
Like, it is what it is.
Like, people understand.
Like, when I talk about, like, oh, I kill a man.
It's like, you don't understand, dude.
Like, when you go through that level of trauma, like, you just view the world differently.
Anything new in the dating world?
Uh, kinda.
Yeah, what you got, you little squirrel buddy?
What happened?
Well, back in March, I had a little incident with a girl.
You had an incident?
I met her at a bar.
And then went home with her that night.
And now, Riley, at this point, you've still in your ejaculatory promissory note with the Lord is still intact, right?
Correct.
Okay.
So what happened?
Did you end up, I mean, like, how did it end, dude?
You know what I'm saying?
Like, did you end up, you know, creaming that little nugget or what happened?
I did.
No, what?
Riley Mel.
God, baby.
Congratulations, dude.
I don't see a lot of that.
Come over here and shake my hand real quick.
I just want to shake the hand of a man that's come recently this year.
Congratulations, man.
Thank you.
Good to see you, brother.
All right, go back.
Well, sniffing that cocaine all over town, honey, don't let my deal go down.
Hey, hey, buddy, let the cocaine be.
It was meant for horses, not for men.
Doctor said he'd kill you, but he didn't know when.
Hey, hey, buddy, let the cocaine be.
Yeah, tell it to me, tell it to me.
Drink corn liquor, let the cocaine be.
Hey, hey, buddy, let the cocaine be.
Yeah, tell it to me, tell it to me.
Drink corn liquor, let the cocaine be.
Hey, hey, buddy, let the cocaine be.
Wow!
I'm walking up the field, going down the main, trying to find a nickel for the buy cocaine.
Hey, hey, buddy, let the cocaine be.
be It'll burn out your nose, just read the goddamn cocaine, I'll kill you dead.
Hey, hey, but let the cocaine be Yeah, tell it to me, tell it to me Drink corn liquor, let the cocaine be Hey hey, but let the cocaine be Yeah, tell it to me, tell it to me Drink corn liquor, let the cocaine be Hey hey but let the cocaine be gonna
do It's killed my friends, it's gonna kill me too Hey hey buddy, let the cocaine be There's some of you people you think you're tough Sniffing that cocaine just like snuff Hey hey butter let cocaine be Well tell it to me, tell it to me Drink corn liquor,
