Grace O’Malley is a comedian and podcaster originally from Boston, MA. She previously co-hosted the Barstool show “Plan Bri-Uncut”, and has a new podcast launching next month. You can also see her live on her “Down for Anything” tour happening now.
Grace O’Malley joins Theo to talk about growing up in Boston before heading to NYC for comedy, how she found herself as the co-host of one of Barstool’s most popular shows, why she’s going solo now, and what she’s got planned for her new show coming to the Unwell network.
Grace O’Malley: https://www.instagram.com/gracekomalley
------------------------------------------------
Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour
New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com
-------------------------------------------------
Sponsored By:
Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit
https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ
Acorns: Go to http://acorns.com/theo to sign up now and Acorns will boost your new account with a $20 bonus investment.
BetterHelp: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp — go to http://betterhelp.com/theo to get 10% off your first month.
Blue Chew: Go to http://bluechew.com to try your first month of BlueChew for free.
Oracle: Go to http://oracle.com/theo to see if your company qualifies for this special offer.
-------------------------------------------------
Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn Bishop Gunn - Shine
------------------------------------------------
Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com
Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503
Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload
Send mail to:
This Past Weekend
1906 Glen Echo Rd
PO Box #159359
Nashville, TN 37215
------------------------------------------------
Find Theo:
Website: https://theovon.com
Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon
Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon
Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend
Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon
YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon
Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips
Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z
------------------------------------------------
Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers
Producer: Trevyn https://www.instagram.com/trevyn.s/
Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/
Producer: Cam https://www.instagram.com/cam__george/
Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
I will be in Nashville, Tennessee on May 3rd at the Bridgestone Arena.
You can get your tickets starting Wednesday, January 8th at 10 a.m.
local time with pre-sale code RATKI.
We also have tickets remaining in East Lansing, Eugene, Victoria, B.C. in the Canada, College Station, Belton, Texas, San Antonio, Oxford, Fayetteville, Tuscaloosa, Tallahassee, Winnipeg, and Calgary, Alberta in the Canada.
Get all your tickets at theovan.com slash T-O-U-R.
Make sure to go through that site.
And thank you so much for your support.
That'll still be the Return of the Rat tour.
Today's guest is an entertainer out of the Boston and New England areas of America.
And I got to see her backstage the other night when she was performing stand-up here in Nashville, Tennessee.
She got her start with Barstool Sports, and I've been a fan.
And I'm looking forward to get to learn more about her.
Today's guest is Miss Grace O'Malley.
I've got, um, I've got three younger sisters.
But I'm the Milkman's because I'm a redhead.
You're the Milkman?
I'm the Milkman's.
Oh, the Milkman's too.
Your mom's a whore.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Oh, damn.
I wish, I wish.
Oh, it's good.
Yeah, thanks.
I wish my mom would have gotten laid more, I think.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I think she was, I don't know if she was making love to maybe this auto mechanic one time.
I don't know.
He would always come run and look around at us.
Auto undercarriage.
Yeah, I think, yeah, he was just, I don't know what he was doing.
He might not even have been a mechanic.
I mean, it was in our town.
It was like, if you were greasy enough and kind of, you know, people would do mechanicking in their yard, you know, type of thing.
We're like, come drop the car off in my house.
And people would do a lot of like at-home mechanicking type stuff.
Like, tag your it.
You've got the car now?
Oh, no, just like, it was like, uh, like, people didn't have to have a real shop to be a mechanic.
Oh, gotcha.
All right, cool, cool.
You know, so people could just do it at home.
Oh, I never come empty-handed to anything, but I've been in limbo all day, so this is the best I can do.
I heard you're on again, off, again, quitting.
Damn, you brought me this.
Air bar.
I heard sometimes you're quitting, sometimes you're not.
But mostly you try to quit.
So I feel like an ass, but you're not empty-handed.
Very sweet of you.
This is very, yeah, it's almost like the first Thanksgiving or whatever.
You know, whenever they did that.
Yeah, so very nice.
Yeah, and I've actually been doing good about quitting.
I think the tough part is the worst thing about quitting is that you have to, every day you're like, I'm going to quit.
And then you don't.
And you set yourself up for failure.
Yeah.
It's a commitment that I just, I don't have the willpower to do.
Yeah.
Have you tried it or no?
I was supposed to start dry January yesterday and I just didn't.
Yeah.
I couldn't.
I didn't have the willpower.
Yeah.
And I had to stop this going on.
So we're going to try again today.
You got it.
Yeah.
It's another day.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's the thing.
January is a lot of pressure.
You know, it's a lot of pressure at the beginning of the year to get it all right.
Yeah, but for what, though?
Like, we're just new all of a sudden.
We're just going to flip it off.
Well, I think that's kind of the goal.
I think that's the goal.
It just feels kind of tough, you know?
Yeah.
It's a lot of pressure.
It is a lot of pressure, dude.
God, being alive is just damn, it's a lot sometimes.
You know, it just feels like a lot.
Grace O'Malley, thanks for coming in today.
Thanks for having me.
I'm super pumped.
I tried to play it really cool the other day, but I am a very big fan.
Oh, thanks.
So this is very sick.
Yeah, I'm a big fan of yours too.
You always just seem like a, just like such a human.
I mean, why not?
Like, I don't know what's wrong with half of these people.
It's kind of fucking out of control.
Things are.
I think, well, I think if people get into like the spotlight or get like popularity, popularity ego, all that stuff is super dangerous, you know?
Yeah.
And you don't realize it sometimes, like you can be getting infected by it or that like, or suddenly you'll try to super manage how you're perceived, which some of that's normal because you want to protect yourself.
But I think all of that's just, it's scary.
Yeah.
I mean, like, you just gotta, you gotta stay.
You gotta be yourself.
Yeah.
That's what it is.
You just gotta be yourself.
But if yourself is an asshole, then maybe you should change.
If yourself's an asshole, bro.
Yeah, because they got people out there now that are not even gay, that are being gay.
They have all types of people, like fake Native Americans.
Like every week they're busting one of these politicians for saying they were Honduran or something.
You know, just a lot of bullshit.
I know.
I wish I had the 23 in me to claim one of those things because I feel like if you can claim it, you can say it.
Yeah.
There's a lot of words that I can't say that I would love to claim to be able to say.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, I'm trying to think if you seem like, because what are you?
You are.
I am a mech.
So I'm Irish.
You're Irish.
Like pretty embreaded.
Yeah.
Okay.
Nope.
Yeah.
No judgment for me here.
Yeah, I think, yeah, Irish or some people are really fucking Irish.
Have you seen that video of that baby?
He's like breastfeeding and he orders another tit or whatever?
Oh my God.
No, I haven't seen that, but that's classic.
It's the most Irish shit ever.
Pretty much the way I was.
He like orders around for everybody in the room or something.
They're breastfeeding at like a family thing or whatever, like a birthday or whatever.
One of my worst jokes I ever wrote was like one of my first ones was that I'm so Irish that I was breastfed Guinness.
Yeah.
Stupid.
Yeah, but it is what it is.
Yeah, it's a rough one, kind of.
I told some rough, oh, oh, one of my first jokes was like, oh, I need a job, a blow job.
That's classic, though.
Come on.
It was pretty bad.
Thanks.
At least we have each other.
It was pretty bad.
So yeah, I stopped by the comedy club the other night and you were doing stand-up.
So how long have you been doing stand-up?
Because some of my audience won't know you.
So you're a podcaster and a comedian.
Yes.
Okay.
And how long have you been doing stand-up?
So I moved to New York in 2020.
I was doing it like here and there on like the streets because you had to do it like outside at the time.
because of COVID, because of COVID, yeah, yeah.
And so, I did it like on and off here and there, but started taking it serious around January of this last year, okay, of 2024, 2024, yeah, okay, yeah, and so what did that mean taking it serious, like just getting up more like getting into like the circuits or what?
Yeah, it's like an oxymoron saying taking it serious because it's comedy, but um, just like going up as much as I could, like networking, I guess, and putting myself out there kind of thing.
So I've been going up as much as I could, and uh Whitney Cummings ended up taking me on the road with her.
Oh, she's not kicking, my apologies.
Whitney did?
Yeah, she did.
Oh, yeah, that's awesome.
Yeah, so she put the fire under my ash.
Um, she came on.
I used to, I used to have a podcast.
It's no longer, but um, she came on as a guest and she was like, I fuck with you.
Like, you should, you should open for me.
And I'm like, you don't want to, you don't want, you don't want that.
And she was like, no, just, just do it.
Just say yes and it'll all follow.
So she put the fire into my ass.
I just grinded.
Wow.
And so you were just, now, was it like you were overnight, suddenly on stage, having to do a lot of time or no?
So she, she gave me 15, which turned into 20. And she just kept, I guess I was doing something right because she kept adding me to more cities.
So I was like, all right, so I guess I'm doing pretty good.
Yeah.
That was nice.
So you're from, originally you're from, where at?
I'm from Boston, but like outside of Boston.
Okay.
Yeah.
And do people from outside of Boston look differently at people than inside of Boston?
Oh, culturally, probably.
There was this thing in the 70s called busing where they brought African-American children into the city.
For schooling and stuff?
For schooling, yeah.
So some people didn't like that.
So those people, they left.
And that is, unfortunately, where I come from.
Oh, that's for your family.
You were birthed out of those people.
Yeah, those were those guys.
People make their choices, you know?
They have, yeah, they have, yeah, because Boston's interesting.
They got a lot of racism up there, you know?
Yeah, but it's not as loud as it is down here.
Yeah, in the South, it's more, the South has more of that kind of slave magic history.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We just have just little induendos of bad history and bad things we did, I guess.
It's still up there, though, for sure.
Yeah, it depends on what side you're on.
You should just meet my dad.
You'll see.
Is he a fireman or no?
No, he wanted to be a police officer, ended up being an electrician, but he fucked that up too.
What, doing electricity?
Yeah, he got electrocuted.
Oh, he did?
Yeah, on the job.
And he said he saw God.
He started to be a believer.
And Tyler Childers walked him into heaven.
Tyler Childers?
Yes, Childers.
Yes.
The musician?
The musician walked him into the Pearly Gates.
So that's my father.
You almost got to believe him.
Yeah, well, I mean, yeah.
But that guy's still alive, so I don't know what that illusion was with him.
That's true.
Not really sure.
Why would a guy who's not even dead come and help you?
That's nice of him.
It is really sweet, but that makes me, I was like, oh, that's pretend.
Yeah, that's when it got a little fictional.
Yeah.
Like you were having a bad dream, then you woke up and you were blasted.
Yeah, dude, being electrocuted, it's kind of under, it's not a, it's a, it doesn't get as much credit as it deserves, really.
I got got once by electricity.
A little fork in the outlet action?
No, when I was at a fair or something, I was, we used to go to the carnival down the street from our home or whatever.
And they had, they would let you ride the rides the day before the fair.
Oh, tough monkeys.
Yeah.
Nice.
So we're out there and we're doing it or whatever.
And they were just like plugging shit in and whatever.
And every, you know, and I tried to get off one of the rides and I like grabbed two different railings and I think I connected some circuit or whatever.
And so I was just like this.
Oh, shit.
Did your friends see a skeleton like the cartoons?
I don't know.
My friends, they kind of ran off.
They're like, oh, something's, you know, this isn't, we don't want to be involved.
Be a superhero.
Yeah, this guy's not doing good.
We don't want to be involved in it.
And some guy called me.
I think I f ⁇ ed it or whatever and kicked me in the bat.
And I was like, okay, he saved my life, but he still called me a f ⁇ ing.
So it was like, well, you know.
But that's what you get kind of around the carnival.
But that time, and then I was walking behind a food truck that was serving crab meat or whatever, which I don't trust.
That sounds really wrong, too.
Oh, it's yeah, I don't trust crab meat that's that close to like a gas tank, I think, you know?
Yeah, no, that's fair.
I think, uh, I think crab meat should be fresh from the ocean.
Yeah.
Like right from the ocean.
I actually, when we got here this weekend, I had, I had crab legs.
I'm like, what am I doing?
Yeah.
I've shit my brains out this whole last week.
Oh, yeah.
It's horrible.
Yeah, you're.
We're in land block right now, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't know what I was doing.
Never seen a crab anywhere around.
I've never had money before, so I was like, yeah, we'll get some crab legs.
This is sick.
You're as smooth as Tennessee shelfish.
Yeah, that's wild, dude.
I feel fucking stupid.
That's that new money shit.
That's fucking new money, dude.
Yeah, let's do the Krab Licks.
This baby's getting a grill, and we're getting fucking Tennessee Krable.
What else is wicked gay that I could get?
I'm trying to think of shit that we got.
Yeah, what was your first new money buy?
Oh, I got a fucking cyber truck was the only thing I've ever really gotten for myself that was like expensive.
Somebody was telling me about that, and they were saying that you thought that nobody would recognize you in that thing.
Oh, yeah, that's what I thought.
Yeah, I didn't think it was that big of a deal.
I thought everybody would have them, you know?
That's going to make people do many double takes.
Oh, it was.
Once at the car, second at you.
Yeah, it was horrible.
Or sorry.
Once at you, second for the car.
No, it was all horrible.
Well, whenever you first got them, I got home.
I ordered like five years ago, right?
Like it was, because it was a hundred bucks.
Oh, that's like putting it on the wish list.
Okay.
Right.
So for a hundred bucks, you could be like, I got a cyber truck coming.
It was online.
Which is on layaway.
Yes.
That's rich people layaway.
So it was like, yeah, I'm getting a cyber truck or whatever.
And then I kept like bothering Elon on Twitter to, where are they?
You know, give them, you know.
Are you guys on a, on a, on a basis of like talking?
Okay.
No, I don't know him.
I was just tweeting at him and stuff or like, you know, saying stuff like that.
And then finally, one day I got home, I'd been out of town for a few weeks and it was in my garage.
Oh, sick.
And so I was like, holy shit, dude.
And at first, when you would drive down the street, people would like, there were people cheering people at American flags.
There were Mexican people out there doing this and dancing or whatever.
That was crazy.
You're like, where are you?
I'm just so happy for you.
Where Mexican people come from, you know?
And you were just driving, but really they had like, we are the champions.
It was like gay people.
People were coming out of the closet in front of you.
You had girls splashing titties.
It was a lot.
Yeah, it was just a lot going on, you know?
And yeah, I did it.
I thought it automatically would have extra darkness on the windows, you know?
And it didn't.
So for a long time, I thought it was like, yeah, obviously it's, I can't, you know, I can just drop, you know, there was extra darkness.
And then, and then my buddy was like, dude, you got to get those things tinted.
I was like, oh, shit, man, they're not tinted.
And then, so finally, I did get them tinted.
Well, what was it?
Run DMC or the, or fuck.
I forget who it was, but they said tinted windows don't mean nothing.
They know who's inside.
Really?
Yeah.
So you're fucked.
And so is the guy who waited five years for a Cybertruck just to blow it up.
What a science experiment.
Oh, yeah.
Somebody just did that.
Yeah, bring that up, dude.
Actually, you know what's funny?
I thought about getting like a big fuse and putting it like hanging out of mine.
Yeah, that's a goodie.
Oh, he did it for 4th of July.
He did it for New Year's?
That's what it does look like.
It does look like a spectacle.
I think it was a political point in front of Trump.
Oh, in front of Trump Tower.
Wow.
And I think one person did die, so it's tough to find a joke there.
But I mean.
It was probably some Middle Easterns like getting a picture next to it.
People are always like, can we get this?
Can we?
And you're just like, leave me alone.
I'm going to blow a lid.
Yeah.
Don't come ask me.
But the problem is the horn sounds a little bit effeminate, too.
Does it?
Yeah.
If you hit the horn, like a couple gay dudes will kind of walk over.
Like, oh, hi.
You need something?
They still have prostitutes that work the streets.
Do they?
Yeah.
Not even.
You don't have to anymore.
There's just some good.
We're streetwalkers still in America.
Can you pull that up, please?
Because I've been looking.
I've told my friends before, I don't get laid much.
That's just a fact about me.
But I told my friends, just surprise me with a hooker one day and don't tell me it's a hooker.
A male hooker?
A male hooker.
They exist.
I'm not sure.
I think that they, yeah, definitely.
I mean, there's like Italian guys, if that's what you're talking about.
But what you're looking at overall.
Nevada has the largest commercial sex market in the United States when adjusted for population.
Okay.
Number of prostituted people.
Nevada has more than twice as many prostituted people per capita as California and 63% more than New York.
All right.
So they still have brothels there.
All right.
So I'm moving to the Nevada to get it.
There we go.
Yeah, I wonder what would that be like for a woman?
Because I've gotten a Lady of the Night or whatever they're called, mystical.
Yeah, just one piece of mystical puss.
Yeah, I got one in Amsterdam, right?
Where people go get them.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's like the prize.
Yeah, the red horse.
It is.
It's like the Istanbul of like, you know, midnight cooter or whatever, you know?
And so I went there and, oh, here was the funny part.
My buddy and I both of us like snuck, like acted like we weren't going to go there.
So we both like went off by ourselves.
Separate rooms, like, all right, man.
Night, bud.
And then saw each other there.
We're like, that's why you just have to embrace it and then just do a force up or something.
But here was the sad part of it.
You go in there and it seems like it's very alluring and the mirage of it is very compelling.
But you go in there and right when you go in their door, because they're standing out there and there's kind of some red lights inside of the room, you go in there in the main door and there's like a bouncer guy right there.
And he's very, you know, a tough guy.
And he says something real tough or something.
And then you kind of go like that.
And then you go into the room and it's very much like a doctor's room.
Like everything's kind of like covered in like paper or plastic.
It feels like.
Classy.
It feels like it feels very clinical.
Clinical.
Okay.
So it's routine.
It's like an appointment.
Right.
That's what it starts to feel like.
So the magic of like any like, you know, romance or whatever.
Are you looking for lust and love?
I think everybody probably.
You're looking for just like a wet willie.
No, I'm one of those guys who like would leave the strip club and be like, man, I think I'm, you know, I think there's a chance we're going to get her off the stage.
Are you going to give him a pep talk next time you go in?
Like, hey, Annabelle Magic.
We could put you in community college, babe, you know?
So much better than this.
You could be so much more.
Oh, wow.
That sure is something.
So I think it's very hard.
Like, I can't get an erection like around broken glass or I can't get an erection I'm realizing around like some environments like that that are so clinical Have you ever spent a night in jail?
Yeah.
So that's like exactly that.
How could you get right?
How could you get off that feels like jail?
Yeah.
With just a little silk.
Yeah.
That's kind of crazy.
Yeah, it's a slightly silky jail.
Silky jail?
I would go to silky jail.
Smooth jail.
Do you have a mugshot?
I don't know if I have a mugshot.
That's a great call.
That's a great question.
If I do, it's in Mississippi or Louisiana.
I'll have to check.
That's a good thing to look up for.
That would be sick merch.
Wow.
Is that supposed to be you?
Damn.
I'm sorry if you're a bad person.
I can't say something like one of those are me.
And then this one's just literally your headshot, not a mugshot.
Wow, yeah, that is a headshot.
Go back up to the bottom of the ship.
Oh, you're a tiny baby boy in that blue shirt one.
Very young, very impressionable.
There I am.
What did I do?
Oh, it was kitty porn.
Oh, no, kitty vids.
Yeah.
K-I-T-T-Y.
Oh, so it was meow.
Yeah.
All right.
No problem.
What about you?
You've been in?
No, I'm dying to, though, because I would like to amok shots.
I'd see you in there.
Yeah, it would be good.
I think I'd run that thing.
Like a McDonald's.
I'd see you in there keeping stuff in your bra.
Yeah.
And like, they come to me and they got to ask, like, oh, you want red dye number two?
Yeah.
You want some lipstick?
Because that's what the girls do.
And they go crazy.
Yeah, you want to watch McCall and huh?
You want me to thread your eyebrows with some, with some, I don't know what they'd use.
Yeah, you want me to hide.
But I'll find out.
Yeah.
And I'll be the head of the market.
Yeah, you want me to pull some Clairol out of your psycho.
Like people smuggling makeup in there or something?
Yeah.
I mean, is Claire all still makeup?
I don't know what that is.
You don't?
Not sure.
I could pretend.
Clairol.
I thought it was a makeup company, is it?
All right, sure.
Fuck it.
Do you, yeah, like, what is your, what does love look like for you?
What's your love life like?
Do you have a boyfriend or you don't have a boyfriend?
I do not have a boyfriend.
I am, I have said that too.
Sorry.
I've never had one and I'm 26. I know.
And it's like, everyone always does that.
And it's like, ah, rats.
Like, damn.
Every single time I'm like, oh, I should just let that person have that reaction because it is crazy.
It is crazy.
But I have to address it.
But it's also pretty special, though, I think.
Yeah.
When I find that Mr. Special Guy, it's going to be real good because I've waited this long, I suppose.
So, yeah, 26 years.
You haven't missed them.
Do you feel like you've missed out on some good ones or no?
No, no.
They don't really flock.
You'd be totally shocked that I'm not.
I don't really scream fuck me.
Like, I don't really have fuck me eyes ever.
So I think I'm more of like a bro to some people.
Like my way of flirting is like misogynistic.
Oh, like kind of, yeah, just being buddies.
Yeah, just being like, yo, dude, like, check out her tits or you can check out mine if you prefer.
Yeah.
Kind of thing.
Yeah.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
Yeah.
So I haven't had luck thus far, hence the male hooker.
Did you have a like a high school prom date?
He is now, I had to ask him.
He was a year older and he is now she and we don't I have is he straight still or in a woman or is he now a gay woman?
I'm having a hard time picking up the pieces because we don't talk.
You know those people you just have to be like fix the clues in and see what they're all about, like the little clues that they put out there.
And then I didn't go to my senior prom.
You didn't?
No, I was one of those.
I'm still waiting to get picked up for my senior prom in my head foolishly.
Yeah, one day.
Yeah, dude.
Yeah, that's definitely.
I got stuck after the prom.
This dude was crying and he had barred his, his dad had left him a long time ago and he barred his mom's business blazer and it had those shoulder pads in it.
Oh, classy.
Yeah, it was classy, but it was also just like a sign of the times, you know, of like young men being raised by single moms and having to wear their mom's business blazer to the prom.
Yeah, I guess I could have had it worse.
And it kind of broke.
It was like, but he was bawling about something.
He thought he looked like Damon Wayans or something, but some bullshit or whatever.
I don't know.
He was out of his fucking mind.
And I was trying to get laid, but also be nice.
So I was waiting to go see my girlfriend, but it was just a nightmare.
But this was your buddy?
Yeah.
I know I got stuck giving him a ride after prom.
Oh, fuck.
To this party, and he started just bawling.
Damn, it's not that bad.
Take it off.
Just wear the t-shirt.
Yeah.
Underneath.
But he's like, everybody says I look like Damon Wayans.
I don't want to have my own life.
And I was like, motherfucker, you don't look anything like Damon Ways.
Was he black?
Oh, no.
He was kind of like tan or whatever.
Like, bitch, you don't look anything like fucking Damon Wayans, dude.
You're a closeted homosexual.
Just fucking closets we can go to this party.
You wanted to wear that.
You bought it.
Oh, he loved it.
Yeah, yeah.
He looked nothing.
Was he balding?
Like, what was the problem?
He did have a skinned head and he had, you know, and he seemed kind of black sometimes just for fun.
But he was a great guy.
Dang, that's, yeah, I guess that's interesting.
Sorry to act like that about that.
No, no, that's actually, I think it's hilarious.
But now does it become a thing where you don't have a boyfriend because it's almost become a thing?
Does that ever happen?
Yeah, like I'm like too far in now.
So it's like, I don't really, I'm not looking.
I don't really give a shit at this point.
It's just, it is what it is.
If it comes, it comes.
But I would love to come one day.
And are you saving yourself for marriage type thing?
Are you still sexually out there?
I'm not there.
Well, I would be if I could be.
If I had it coming towards me like that, oh my God, I'd be a whore.
But I'm basically accidentally celibate, which is a beautiful thing, really.
You know, some women, they say, oh, it's so easy for a woman to get laid.
They can have whoever they want.
That's not true.
There are some of us that have really hard times.
Really?
I know a lot.
I feel like I could name at least five or six guys that would definitely make love to you that I know firsthand.
Oh, wow.
And have seen in the past two weeks.
You know?
Wow.
And you've got some cool pals.
Or just, you know, like, I mean, because, yeah, I don't even, yeah, but it's like, what am I even talking about?
Is that a crazy thing to say?
No, it's no, no, it's great to hear.
Actually, that just gave me a little bit of a boost.
Dude, yeah.
Are you kidding me, man?
I knew some people that would definitely probably knock you up even.
Hell yeah.
I knew some people that would just.
That would be amazing.
I was thinking about it the other night.
I'm like, you know what?
I'm so anti-having a kid, but I guess if I had one, I would have to have it because that would be my only shot.
Only shot at what?
Having a child.
Because if this one guy wants to bust it in, then I guess I got to put one out.
It seems like a sad thing to people, but this is just my life.
No, Grace.
It's definitely, you know, I think there's a lot of semen heading you away in 2020.
Oh, God, I can't wait to guzzle it down.
Man, it's going to be good.
But like, it's funny to not be a whore, but like really want to be.
Yeah.
There's something special about that.
Yeah.
Because most whores, they don't want to be.
They want to be known for something other than their hole or their body.
But then they're just out there slurping or whatever to feel decent.
Yeah.
But at least you don't have to do that, huh?
Yeah, I guess.
But, you know, mouth wide open.
I'll wait.
Somebody's a special day.
I don't either.
This is why I don't have a daughter, dude.
This one doesn't have a fucking daughter, dude.
What do you do if your daughter is like a tramp and you're the dad?
That's where you got to start.
Do you have a talk with them, you think?
Have any of your friends ever, they're like, damn, my dad had a talk with me because he knew I was like getting smashed so much or whatever.
Or doing a lot of sex or whatever?
I think when you start having the talk is when they develop more of a daddy problem.
There's nothing you can do as a father, I feel like.
It's just like their decision to be what they want to do.
Oh, I suppose.
I don't know.
I've never been a whore yet.
Yet.
So we'll see.
If you had a daughter, what would her name be?
Probably something from that Scarlet Letter book.
What are some names in that book?
Something from the sh, you know, the days when people used to die on long ship journeys type shit.
You know what I'm saying?
Hester, that's beautiful.
Hester, maybe, or Pearl.
Pearl.
Roger Chillingworth.
That would be one.
Maybe I name her back.
I only have a boy name if I were to have a boy.
Yeah, what do you have?
I got Danger, but we call him Danny.
Danger?
Danger.
And everybody in Boston named Danny.
No matter what their name is, it becomes Danny.
Yeah, it doesn't matter.
Yeah.
It could literally be Roger.
Danger.
Turn into Danny.
It's Roger, but they call me Danny.
Yeah.
But this kid, he has to, like, when he's filling out medical forms, he has to write Danger, but everybody knows him as Dan or Danny.
Oh, yeah.
I think it's good.
That's a cool name.
Yeah.
See that.
And he could get a cool job.
He could be, I'm trying to think of what he could be, anything.
He could be the caution sign when you mop the floor.
Yeah.
He could be a traffic guard.
I feel like I'm blowing this.
Am I blowing this?
This conversation?
Yeah.
No, I feel like it too.
Okay.
Do you feel like I am?
No, I feel like I'm blowing.
I feel like you're doing great.
I don't even think maybe I'm asking about the best things.
I think I'm too honest sometimes where I just have to be like, I feel like I'm fucking this out.
No, I think it's interesting because I never really, I don't think I'm not good at like, I don't talk to women that much about sex stuff.
So I think.
I never talk about sex.
I'm just trying my very best.
Yeah, thanks for trying.
Yeah.
I have no personal experience.
Dude, well, I'm like writing a book report on a book I've never read.
We're going to get somebody to come in here and just look, I'll do it like this and you guys just figure it out.
Oh, shit.
Dude, that's crazy.
You know, when I was growing up, I had a job cleaning out wishing wells over there in my parish.
And there weren't many of them.
Yeah, I agree.
You know, but I wasn't much of a worker as well.
But I will say this, that wishing wells, they bring in big loot.
You know, the Trevi Fountain in Rome collects over $1.5 million a year.
Yep.
What I'm saying is spare change really adds up.
That's why I want to introduce you to Acorns.
Acorns, this episode is sponsored by them.
Acorns is a financial wellness app that makes it easy to start investing with the money you've got right now.
You don't need to be an expert.
Acorns will recommend a diversified portfolio that fits you and your money goals.
You don't need to be rich.
Start with just $5 a day or even just your spare change.
And here's the best part.
Sign up now and Acorns will boost your new account with a $20 bonus investment.
Offer only available at acorns.com slash Theo.
That's A-C-O-R-N-S dot com slash T-H-E-O.
Get your $20 bonus investment now.
Paid non-client endorsement.
Compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns.
Investing involves risk.
The hypothetical calculations are for illustrative purposes only and are not representative of the performance of any Acorns portfolio and should not be used to predict the investment results of any customer.
Acorns Advisors LLC is an SEC registered investment advisor.
View important disclosures at acorns.com slash T-H-E-O.
Even if you think it's a bit overhyped, AI is suddenly everywhere.
From self-driving cars to molecular medicine to business efficiency.
If it's not in your industry yet, it's coming fast.
But AI needs a lot of speed and computing power.
So how do you compete without costs spiraling out of control?
Time to upgrade to the next generation of the cloud.
Oracle Cloud Infrastructure, or OCI.
OCI is a blazing fast and secure platform for your infrastructure, database, application development, plus all your AI and machine learning workloads.
OCI costs 50% less for compute and 80% less for networking, so you're saving a pile of money.
Thousands of businesses have already upgraded to OCI, including Vodafone, Thompson Reuters, and Suno AI.
Right now, Oracle is offering to cut your current cloud bill in half if you move to OCI.
For new U.S. customers with minimum financial commitment, offer ends March 31st.
See if your company qualifies for this special offer at oracle.com slash T-H-E-O.
That's oracle.com slash Theo.
I don't even know what to ask about.
Hey, I was your holiday.
Yeah, it's good.
It was okay.
I got a fever or something, you know?
And so I was like, everything was miserable kind of.
Yeah, I feel that.
I had an ear blowout.
I can't hear out of this one.
Really?
Yeah, like at all.
Were you guys out on the water?
I was on an airplane like three weeks ago and it just blew.
And this is just a nightmare.
I've never had it.
I can't hear.
Yeah.
It's pretty brutal.
But other than that, pretty classic of a holiday.
Good stuff.
You spend time with your family?
I did, yeah.
Nice.
Are your parents still married?
They shouldn't be.
They Can't afford the divorce.
They looked into it.
And so I'm just working really hard this year so they can get there.
Dude, that's such a great thing.
If at the end of the year, you actually have a big divorce for them.
I think they'll be stoked.
Oh, yeah.
It'd be really good.
And they still live outside of Boston.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Yeah.
And so you have, so just so my listener knows, so you, I know you, because we had Brianna Chicken Fry on, you guys had a podcast together.
Yes, yeah.
And it's called Plan Brie Uncut.
Plan Brie Uncut.
Yes.
And you guys don't have it anymore.
It's no longer.
It's no longer.
Yes.
And so you guys, and you guys had been friends for a long time.
Yeah, we were friends forever.
Since we were like in fifth grade.
Oh, wow.
Kid friends.
Yeah.
Oh, that's cute.
Since we were little baby children.
That's sweet.
That's sweet.
And have you guys kept a good friendship after?
I know that there's been like, I'm not trying to get into like the tumultuousness of things or whatever, but how does that stand today?
Because it must be tough to like have a business with a friend.
Yeah.
I was just, I've always just, like, in 2020, she got the job at Barstool and like had to move to New York for it.
And I was taking a semester off from college.
And she was like, do you want to come with me?
And I was like, yeah, fuck it.
Why not?
And so like, I door dashed on foot when we got there and stuff.
And like, she slowly but surely like was trying to get me a job at Barstool.
Oh, really?
So really hustling for you.
Yeah.
So like she like really like like stuck her neck out for me and like we ended up doing the podcast together after like a year of living there and it was just so much fun.
We had a blast.
It was always fun doing it.
Yeah.
A lot of yellow's clips are so great.
Dude, we would just shoot the shit, good banter.
But, you know, we're just, I think we're just going through a rough patch right now.
And we'll, I think one day we're going to figure it out.
But she's doing her thing.
I'm doing my thing.
And I still love her.
So I'm being a politician right now.
I'm trying my best.
You know what's interesting is I've had times where I was like, I was going through moments with friends and stuff, you know, and most of them evened out over time.
Yeah.
But the toughest part about it, like, was in the moment, like the times where we weren't getting along or we're having differences that I didn't have my friend at times.
That was really the shittiest part.
Yeah.
It was like, even though I would have like a leg to stand on about why I was upset about stuff, sometimes I'd be like, I'd be like, man, fuck Scott, dude.
I got to call Scott right now.
Yeah, right?
I couldn't even call my friend.
I'm so fucking fired up.
And you get done with the conversation.
You're like, oh, dude, you know who would really help me out with this?
Exactly who I'm talking about.
It's fucking brutal.
It's tough.
That was kind of the worst part sometimes was just hitting that type of moment where like, oh, man.
Cause it's hard to kind of have good friends, you know?
Yeah.
Do you still have pals from growing up?
Oh, yeah.
I got some good pals from growing up.
So, and then I've made more over the years, kind of like people go through things.
A lot of friends get married and stuff.
And since I'm not married, you kind of fall into this weird place where you just become like, you're just friends with whoever's not married.
Yeah, that's kind of fucked up.
Yeah.
When does that start happening?
I would say probably in your 30s, it starts getting where like, well, I guess it depends on where you're from.
Like where I'm from, Louisiana, people get married early.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so you lose a couple guys right out of the gate.
And right after they get married, their hair falls out immediately.
I don't know why.
Well, at least they locked it in beforehand.
That's true.
Yeah.
And maybe some of those guys know their hair is about to fall out.
Yeah.
They have an idea.
They're like, oh, I'm going to lock it in.
I'm going to get that.
I'm going to hold it.
Your bald dad is just having a conversation with him.
Hey, buddy, it's time to get that ring and put the knee down.
You're like, dad, I'm only 15. They always had that one kid that went bald way early, you know, and people would use him to buy alcohol.
They're like, what do you mean he can't buy liquor and be like, he's only 20. Like, he's bald, damn it.
He just took the out his 401k.
He's fine.
He rode here on his bicycle.
You think a fucking child is bald, damn it?
He's a DUI.
He already bought the boost.
That's why he's on the bicycle.
He's selling the liquor, damn it.
So, yeah, but I still have good friends from when I was growing up.
I think, yeah, and then I've met, you know, it's been like, I think like since I work in business where I kind of travel around stuff, you meet a lot more people probably than you do if you just stay in one, in a live in one town.
Yeah, I do think everyone should get out of their town at some point.
Oh, okay.
Because like, you don't know what you're missing if you don't.
Yeah.
Like, I thought everybody was Catholic growing up.
I never knew any Jewish people.
I never knew anyone who was different.
And I didn't find out until my junior year of high school that there's other religions.
Oh, yeah.
That's pretty retarded.
Yeah.
And you guys are, so Catholic is the one.
With the priests.
Okay, yeah.
The one where they're playing freeze tag with the kids, but they didn't tell the kids.
And that's where I thought I could get some.
But they only like the boys.
Oh.
Yeah.
I've been trying every angle for years.
Anything you put eye black on or anything?
I guess I could have shaved my head, but they see right through that with the tits, you know?
Yeah.
Oh, it must be horrible when a priest sees tits.
He's like, oh, fuck.
Good day, son.
You shall not be blessed.
I don't know what they say.
Oh, what are we talking about?
Fuck.
Yeah, I never been.
I'm trying to think if I ever been Catholic or not.
I might have been.
We were Presbyterian for a while, I know.
And then my mom got in a fight with somebody outside of the church once.
And so then we, I think we were, I think we were Methodists or six Methodists or something.
I don't know how many there are.
I got to ask my mom.
Is that like Mormon shit?
No, it's just like you don't drive far to the church, wherever that one is.
Okay, yeah, sure.
Like the closest church or whatever.
God, the lemonade stand church.
It was very, yeah.
Yeah.
It was, yeah.
It was like, okay, this is it, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
It was like that kind of.
Yeah.
But, okay, so now, so you ended up in New York.
Is that your first time you had lived in New York when you went there with Brianna?
Yes.
Yeah.
So I've been there for like four years.
Do you feel like you're fitting in there now?
Well, now with stand-up, I'm like, I'm like, oh, finally, I love New York.
Like, I needed like my thing.
And I finally found my thing.
Yeah.
And so I've been loving that.
And I was just too scared to do it.
I was just being such a pussy.
To get up on stage?
To get up on stage, yeah.
And like even give it a whirl, like open mics and shit.
I just wouldn't.
But you're so endearing.
I mean, one of the things that I always admire about you is just you being you is it's like immensely charming to like up like it's like uh you can't help but not like want to follow along with your world it feels like yeah that's just really sweet thank you yeah it's a it's it's it's great i I try to be like um like just myself and like open and honest,
but my problem is I do this accent and it comes out only sometimes.
Yeah, so I've got like this Boston accent, but it's sometimes it's on, sometimes it's off.
So people are like, you're doing a fake accent.
Like, I don't even know I'm doing it.
Right.
So I don't know who I am.
Oh, yeah.
It's kind of crazy.
If you don't know who you are, then you're a comedian.
Then most comedians don't know who they are because that's why they're putting on a show.
Some of the show is they're over time, they're trying to figure out who they are.
They're trying to manage this presentation that they put to the world, you know?
I think because like when they were young, maybe whoever they were didn't feel comfortable or whatever in the world, so they started making this them.
Yeah.
And anyway, that's a little bit meta, I think.
What was the, did you ever, like, was there ever a point in your life where you were like, oh my God, I want to be a performer?
Let me think about it.
I liked, I liked when people laughed.
I didn't, I didn't know, I didn't, I think I didn't know, I never really trusted people that much, but I knew if they were laughing that they couldn't not like me.
Yeah.
Like I feel like it would be impossible to hate somebody and laugh at the same time, kind of.
Yeah, because you can't fake a laugh.
Right.
You can, but you, but if you're telling, but I would know.
Yeah, I know a genuine laugh and I know a fake laugh.
Yeah.
And if you're just going to fucking hate me and be a dick, then you're not going to laugh in general.
And then I could wean you out.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's good.
Yeah.
So I think there was something like that for me probably.
Do you think you kind of had that comedian thing, like that, you know, that you wanted to be a comedian or do you think that you just wanted to be a performer?
Did you kind of know what it was, like where you wanted to end up?
And do you still know?
I've always wanted to do stand-up.
I just didn't think I could.
I didn't think it was an option.
And there's a part of me that like wishes that, and this is, I guess, serious, but there's a part of me that wishes I was able to get into stand-up before anything else because I just want to be, I don't want people to think I'm just like doing it for shits and gigs to have like this other thing.
It's like, that's what my main focus is.
And that's what I love.
It just so happened that one came before the other kind of thing.
And like, I wish I like, I don't know, got more of the reps in before people started coming.
Yeah.
Right.
Coming and coming to see you.
Which I appreciate people coming and seeing.
But like, I really wanted to get it right.
Yeah.
Like, I didn't even want you to say it the other night.
I was like, one day, one day you can see it.
Not yet.
It's not day yet.
But, you know, it's good enough to buy tickets, but it's not day yet for you.
No, no shot.
Oh, it was just cool to see you and your friends in the agreement room.
That was dope, dude.
And just like to see, like, just, I wanted to kind of see what your energy was about going up on stage.
And, and the room was buzzing, man.
People were so excited.
Yeah.
I think, especially with podcasts and stuff, I noticed this.
I've sat in the audience and watched some of my friends who are podcasters as well.
Yeah.
And you just want to kind of listen and be there in the room with them.
You're like, I just, that's my person or that's my friend.
Whatever it is.
I fuck with them.
I just want to be in the room while they're doing whatever.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know?
And I've done the podcast touring.
That shit is so easy.
Oh, you mean being on stage with just as your podcast?
Yeah.
Oh, I've never done that.
It's so easy.
You just, it's like you have segments.
You do the same thing every night.
You like, you can switch around with jokes depending on the crowd, but compared to stand-up, like it's a walk at the park.
It's like you're, it feels like stealing.
You're stealing money from fans that adore you.
It's like, it's not fair.
What?
But I never made any money off of it.
Really?
Barstool took it all yet.
Off your tour?
Yeah.
No way.
I had an interesting contract.
Yeah.
But I loved them so much.
Are you still working with Barstool?
I actually just recently left.
Okay.
So when you leave, so if you leave, that means do you still have your rights to half your podcast?
But you had a contract.
You got paid something annually.
Yeah.
So I had a salary.
Okay.
And that was kind of it.
And so I had the option to leave and I took it.
Was it a good salary?
It was decent.
It wasn't equated to.
Was it like $500,000?
No, nothing close to that.
No.
My buddy was maybe a little bit more, a lot of bit more, a whole shit ton more.
So there was discrepancy in power.
But she was doing another podcast and whatnot.
Oh, that's right.
So she was bringing maybe different fans from that also.
Yeah, yeah.
Got it.
So it's all relative.
Yeah.
And also some of that stuff is as much as it like, it's like, it's live and learn sometimes.
And I also didn't care.
I was just happy to be there.
Right.
Like, I was like, literally, I was stoked to just have the job.
Yeah.
So I was, at one point, I was working for free selling t-shirts, just paying for my own buttons.
Yeah, it was crazy.
I was like, yo, I'm just like really happy to be here.
Do it any way I can.
Yeah.
It's about to grind.
Oh, yeah.
And you know what?
I think no matter what, no matter what you get involved in, you have to go through that.
You have to go through periods of that.
And even with stand-up, you can't escape that.
It's like you just have to, you know, get it on stage.
We all, you know, it's like we all learn it.
I still learn it every time I'll take some weeks off and go back on stage.
It's like, God, this feels new and scary.
Yeah.
And my balls is hot inside of me.
That's the new thing I'm learning is because I haven't taken time off this whole year.
And with Christmas, I took like two weeks off and I fucked myself big time.
I was like, Jesus Christ, this is bad.
This is bad newspaper.
Those shows, I don't know, they were fine, but they weren't great.
I'll tell you that.
It was tough.
Do you have like a close or like, do you have it set up?
Are you telling stories?
Are you telling more jokes?
Like, what's your set like right now?
I'm kind of all over the place.
I'm trying to find my thing.
I'm doing half jokes, half punches.
The punches are corny.
Oh, some of the punches to the jokes are corny?
Yeah, I don't know if you can tell, but I hate my entire set at the moment.
I really think it could be a lot better.
But that's why I'm doing dry January when I hit the ground running.
Oh, for sure.
Now, do you feel like a comedian or do you feel like somebody that's pretending to be a comedian?
I feel like I'm pretending, of course.
You can tell it's brutal.
I'm like, I really want to be taken serious, but I can't even take myself serious.
Fucking fool.
I'm just foolish.
At least.
You know what, dude?
I'll pay to come watch you be dishonest.
I will pay $42 plus fees, okay?
To come to come to a room and watch somebody be dishonest.
It's like fucking sweating.
Come with the sweat through my pants.
I'm like, it's really not as bad as I'm making it out to be.
Hey.
No, but I think, look, there's something about honesty.
There's not as much of it in the world.
I would literally pay to go to a room and watch somebody be honest with themselves about what's going on.
I'm learning it.
I think we all pretend to be something until we get the hang of it.
Yeah.
You know?
I just, I mean, I look up to you.
I look up to like all, all, all your, all your buddies.
Well, we'd have been doing it longer.
We don't know what the fuck we're doing.
But you've got it.
And it's just, it's like so awesome to see.
I just, I can't wait for the day I finally get it, you know?
Yeah.
When did it click?
I don't know.
I mean, I think at like about 11 years, you start to be like.
I don't know.
There's some different moments.
I mean, thank you.
That's sweet of you to say that.
I mean, I definitely feel like I don't have a, like this is, like, it is my job now, you know?
Yeah.
For a long time, I didn't know if it was my job.
You know, I felt like it was, but you keep going home like at Christmas and you don't have a real job.
And you say, I'm a comedian.
Like, whatever, dude, you know, where's your husband?
You know, because everybody just thinks you're homosexual.
Yeah.
Until you get on some sort of television or platform.
Like, oh, he's actually very successful.
Yeah.
You should have been rooting him off.
Yeah, maybe we'll scratch out these pictures that we drew.
Actually, will you sign this?
We're actually a huge.
It's a poster that says, you're a f ⁇ ing, you held up at my show.
But yeah, I'll sign it.
Thanks, guy.
So yeah, I think there's like, so that kind of stuff gets tricky.
And then I think there comes a point where it's like, you don't have anything else.
And so it's like, whenever you give up anything else, like there were times I quit to do real estate.
There was times I quit and I fucked up like the third contract I ever did and I had to pay somebody's lease for like six months.
How'd you fuck up that bad?
And put myself as the guarantor or whatever.
That's crazy.
That just takes one John Hancock to pay six months rent.
I had to go live with my girlfriend and I'm paying rent for these other motherfuckers.
This is the worst part.
I was going through some weird shit sometimes and I would pee in the sink at night at my girlfriends because I didn't want to pee loud and wake up the family, right?
Oh, with the family.
Yeah, with the family.
And the cat would go in there and like mill around in the sink and fucking snitch me out.
The mom ended up knowing that I would urinate in the sink.
What's that talk sound like?
She said, has your boyfriend been peeing in the sink?
It's not the first boyfriend that's ever peed in the sink for her.
She's kind of into it.
The mom's into it.
I remember her daughter texting me, mom knows.
That's what she said.
But the pissing in the sink?
Who knows?
Whatever, Grace.
Whatever.
We're all going through it.
I suppose.
God damn.
You got, I mean, you're going to figure it out.
And I think it's interesting these days, I think, because I'll say this.
There used to be more of stairways for how people got into comedy, right?
There was like, obviously you got on stage, but then you got on different like little, like there was like a comedy central 10 minutes, or there was like these, now there's like dry bar and different groups like that, but there was other small groups where you did comedy sets that they put out there, right?
And now a lot of that's disappearing.
There was like, what was that late show?
There were some late shows where you would just sit around in a panel, right?
Where people would start to build their name.
Yeah.
And now I think just a lot of like podcasting has kind of become that.
It's taken the place of a lot of things.
That's true.
Yeah.
Whereas before there was like maybe more acting roles or things like that for comedy that because there's not even that many comedies now, like shows.
Not really.
No, not so much.
I think that's the new wave that they're trying to do right now is that they're trying to cast for a lot of comedy shows because there has been like a lull.
Yeah.
That's what I heard.
So I think that you have to have some place where you start to build, you know, that's like an entertainment outlet.
So I think podcasting is that.
I think it's just kind of become that.
Or TikTok or some sort of like just, you know, people's own social media.
You know, because sure you have the podcast, but then also the clips are kind of what bring people into your world a lot of times.
Yeah, that's true.
That is truly true.
I don't feel like I'm preaching at you, do I?
No, no, no.
I'm listening and I'm taking it all in because I need this.
Clearly, I need it.
I need all the information.
I know it's been a while since you had a man and you put this in.
But don't take any of my ideas.
No, no, don't take any of my, I'm not trying to give you any advice.
No, no, no.
That was the advice you gave.
Don't take anyone's advice.
Was it?
The other night.
Oh, good.
He said, oh, well, I just fucked that up.
Because that's even advice, huh?
Damn, what an idiot.
I guess I haven't podcasted in a while.
I'm pretty rusty.
I'm usually good with the banter.
No, you're always great.
I'm usually good with the jokes.
I feel like you're doing good.
Your sister's here.
Yeah.
Shout out, Nora.
What's up, Nora?
Nora's here.
We're trying to figure out.
So Nora just graduated from West Virginia University.
Wow.
And we're trying to figure out what we're going to do with her.
She needs a job, so I'm trying to think of what she can do within the realm of working together.
Do you have some skill sets, Nora?
I do.
I can edit.
She can edit.
Yeah.
So we're thinking she's going to be doing like the social media side of things.
Yeah.
So that'd be nice.
She's tagging along.
It's good to have someone that knows you very well.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And just find new things that are creative.
That's just like one of my goals I start thinking of for this year.
It's like, well, what things could I do that would be creative, like would seem like unique or that could try and be more creative?
What do you got so far?
Well, you have that movie is coming out.
Yeah, me and Davis Fader are making a movie.
You're making a movie.
It's in the process of being made right now.
We just have to, yeah.
We wrote it and we start making it in January.
What's the writing process for that?
Like, are you allowed to talk about it?
Yeah, we just, I mean, it took us like two years and we tried to get financing.
Nobody wanted to help.
And so we're making it ourselves.
Oh, no, shit.
Fuck yeah, that's sick.
So it's like, yeah, I think I thought, like, I never wanted to be an actor or anything like that.
And I don't really think that that is a world of mine.
But I thought, like, if I look back and I was like, I get a chance to make, I got to do something with David Spade, who I like idolized.
And you Skype and write?
We would write together.
Yeah, I've lived, I still have my apartment in LA.
Oh, gotcha.
So whenever I'm there, we've worked on it over the years in tons of ways.
Oh, fuck yeah.
But it's been fun.
I can't even believe it.
I definitely have learned a lot.
And we think that it's funny, you know.
But if I look, I'm laying in my deathbed or whatever.
Yeah.
I think it'd be neat to be able to say that I got to do that.
Absolutely.
And also that I tried to do it.
You know, because people may make it seem like you can't do this.
You have to have all these special people.
Like, I haven't had an agent help me.
Nobody's.
And so that to me is like the kind of shit that I like.
You don't think I can do this?
Watch me.
Yeah, fuck you.
I'll prove you wrong.
Yeah.
There's nothing.
The only thing difference between you and me is that you've done it already.
That's the only thing.
That's fair.
I don't know.
That shit makes me fucking activated for you.
Yeah, no, dude, you're locked in.
I love to see that.
I don't know why.
Well, you're excited.
You jazz.
I don't even know if I'm excited.
I'm just fucking angry.
I'm going to hide somebody's kneecaps in their ass, dude.
Dude, even Spade just faded people?
I mean, it'd be angry.
Look, if anything, I get to sit around with him for five weeks and laugh, and we have a good time.
It's so sick.
When do you know something like that's done?
I don't know.
That's the toughest thing is scariest is that like, you know, once you move on, you can't, there's no, like that scene or whatever is locked in.
Yeah.
You know?
And I'm not a great actor, you know?
It's like I, you know, I'm going to do my best.
I have a plan and I'm excited about what we wrote.
You also worry that if you wrote it now and it comes out in seven months, will any of the, will the jokes still be funny?
I'm sure.
That sort of thing.
I'm sure.
You guys have timeless, timeless humor.
He does.
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, dude.
But he's definitely.
So I don't know.
It's just a lot of little things you learn.
Like, oh, this is maybe why I don't, this isn't something that I love.
What did your mom get you for Christmas?
My mom, my mom got me a megaphone for Christmas.
And I got her a trip to Hawaii.
So a little different.
And her dad, your dad, too, to go to Hawaii?
That's what's kind of fucked up, I'm realizing.
But my father and I, we have a tricky relationship.
Really?
Yeah.
And do y'all have any brothers?
Does he have any sons?
No, even the dog's a lady.
So, yeah, the poor bastard, everybody always says.
But it's what he gets, he says.
I guess he was a fucking asshole growing up.
Was he to who, to women?
It must be, yeah.
He must have been a fucking prick because he says, I deserve it.
That's what I get.
Four women and a lady dog.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And what happened again?
He was in a fire?
What happened?
He was electrocuted on the job.
So he's the guy when the lights go off in the city, he turns them on.
And he got zippity zaps.
And now we're doing the same drugs.
He does ketamine therapy.
Does he really?
Yeah.
And he does his in a doctor's office and I do mine under the Brooklyn Bridge.
It's a little different.
Dude, my buddy Ernest used to do it in a car wash all the time.
He called me, I'm like, how are you doing?
He'd be like, ketamine is screening.
Wow.
And is your dad kind of a romantic guy still?
Do they have still a romantic relationship, your parents?
I'm just trying to envision him.
Just absolutely no.
Picture like any Irish guy with like a scally cap, about like yay high, wide, one dead tooth.
Oh, yeah.
The old Andrea Gale, huh?
Yes.
Chewing tobacco, but he doesn't care anymore.
It's just all in his teeth.
It's just all like.
It's like a fucking salad bar.
Confetti.
Confetti.
Tobacco.
All over.
Confetti.
It's like every day's a party in his mouth.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, like that guy that's fucking whistling tunes, just whistling the soundtrack of the departed all the time.
Just rehearsing for lines he doesn't even have.
He just always wanted to be a mobster.
Who is on your Boston Mount Rushmore?
We've got Ben Aflak.
Oh, yeah.
Matt Damon.
And then it used to be Marky Mark, but he kind of lost me because he wakes up too early in the morning and prays and gets too early.
Yeah, it got bizarre, but he was also selling liquor, too.
That was a strange, I was like, it's selling a liquor, but you're also up so early.
His hands are in too many baskets.
I don't trust him.
He has his hands in too many things.
Does he seem like, do you think he still has the pulse of the streets in Boston or no?
Nah.
I think he lost that.
He went full Hollywood.
He might have.
He lost us.
He moved to Vegas now, I think.
I think he lives in Las Vegas.
Yeah.
Nice guy.
Busy man.
Busy.
He's busy.
Done a lot.
He has.
And it starts early on.
Beating the shit out of an Asian guy, all that jazz.
He did that?
He did that.
Oh, I didn't do all that.
Oh.
You can't get caught.
He's not stopping Asian hate at all.
Yeah, and that's a shit.
Yeah, the brothers picked it up a couple years ago.
Remember when the brothers was zapping Asians everywhere?
Were they?
Yeah, Asians?
Your brothers or the brother brothers?
The brothers was zapping Asians everywhere.
And the news kept being like, Asian people are under attack.
It was like, yeah, my brothers.
It was the brothers and my father.
My dad just is sparky now.
Yeah, your dad's like that guy who just walks across the floor like this and he's like, uh, remember doing that shit to people?
Oh, yeah.
I would get people good.
I used to, my favorite thing to do to fuck with someone was pass the milk carton around.
Say, oh, you sit on it.
It's all right.
And then you give it to the biggest person and you know it's going to explode.
They sit on the milk carton and it opens?
Yeah.
People did that to me.
Really?
Yeah.
It wasn't me who was doing that to people.
Would you ever, would it open under you or not?
Always every time.
Yeah.
And I fell for it every time.
It was foolish.
I got jumped a lot growing up.
You did?
I did, yeah.
By who?
One time from a black man.
Oh, yeah.
That was good.
That was at a 21 Savage concert.
That's the old, yeah.
Yeah.
That's the Irish hello right there.
Yeah.
It was at a 21 Savage concert.
Yeah.
He was kind of windmilling me and I was pissing my pants, crying.
And then all of a sudden, 21 Savage said, yo, y'all wilding down there.
Y'all got to chill.
And I'm like, can you help?
It was crazy.
Were you wilding or you were not?
I was getting wilded on.
Okay, you're getting wilded on.
Yeah.
Sorry that happened.
You know, it was brutal.
And it was good, though, because my buddy didn't even try to help.
The girlfriend, the girlfriend of the guy who was punching me said, nah, just let it happen.
And she did.
She let it happen.
No way.
So there wasn't even any female support?
Uh, no.
It was just, yeah.
That's tough.
Yeah, no, it's quite the story, though.
I went to school the next day with a black eye from a black guy.
Yeah.
So that was nice.
That was kind of cool.
Yeah, like, oh, you, oh, then they say that's cultural appropriation.
You're like, give me a fucking break, dude.
I just pretend it was from sex.
I just keep bringing it back to that.
Well, I'm sorry that some, yeah, you got abused by a brother like that.
That's all good.
You could have got knocked up, though.
That would have been nice.
Have you dated a lot of black men over the years?
No, dating.
You haven't dated either?
No.
What?
Well, like, I've been on three dates of life.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Like, the last date I went on, he recorded inside my house.
So I said, I think I'm good for now.
Oh, for now.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Two weeks later, you're like, let's run it back.
You're like, yeah, dude, just lock your camera up, I guess.
Yeah, so that was brutal.
I got to think of somebody good at set.
Well, now that's set.
I shouldn't have said that.
No, sorry.
Another date I went on, I was talking about it on the podcast, keeping it very ambiguous.
I didn't want any feelings to get hurt, but he showed up hammered, and I thought that he was like just wicked, drunk, and slur in his words.
Well, it turns out he had a speech impediment.
And I didn't realize, and I didn't pick up on that.
And he sent me a very long text.
I have a speech impediment, and I don't know why very long.
Yeah.
He said, I didn't know why you didn't like the champagne I bought you at the dive bar.
I said, I'm sorry.
I guess we just want different things.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I don't have a good track record.
Well, yeah, I think you do.
I think it's just, you know, I think I have no idea.
Yes, Papa?
I know.
I'm not going to fucking tell you, dude.
It's quite all right.
It's just funny.
There's some fucking real dogs in here to smash you, Gracie.
Hell yeah.
Have you seen that girl?
Have you seen that girl got railed by like 150 guys?
Oh, yeah, I saw that.
I don't know how I feel about it.
I don't know what to do with that.
It's just a thing that happens.
She's almost like the evil connie of like pussy or something.
Yeah, she's kind of doing like magic.
Like, I don't know.
She's like adding time.
She's doing daylight savings or something.
Yes.
That's a lot of time spent.
Yeah, it just seems crazy.
And then what are you really doing?
It's almost just like, like if people are just running and just kind of jousting themselves into your vagina real quick and then we're running off.
It's like a mean greet with their dick out.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just like next.
Yeah, Lily Phillips is her name.
She's a gorgeous British OnlyFans.
British girl, yeah.
Well, I wonder if this is the thing you're starting to see because of OnlyFans, like people are having to start to one-up each other.
Yeah, well, this is going the extra goddamn mile.
Yeah.
I don't know if I would even enjoy something like that.
You know, like, I mean, even if you were doing it, you know, we're like, I'm going to make love to 100 women.
I'd be like, at like 11 women, I would definitely want to chill, have a Gatorade or something, get on the phone.
It's like, yeah, like, what's uh, I don't know why I was going to ask you.
Listen to some Scott Stab or whatever.
Did you see that Scott Stab, that their band has made more this year than they ever made before?
Who did?
I thought that was pretty interesting.
Bring that up, brother.
There goes my hero.
You know that song?
Watch it while he goes.
Yeah?
Blue Chew, baby.
New Year, same wiener, buddy.
You know it.
Blue Chew wants you to have better sex.
They do.
Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets.
These erection-enhancing tablets help men achieve stronger, harder, and longer-lasting erections for sex.
Blue Chew is putting its money where its mouth is and offering you a month free.
Blue Chew tablets are made in the USA.
The process is simple.
Sign up at bluechew.com.
Consult with one of their licensed medical providers.
And once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days.
The best part?
It's all done online.
That means no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations, no waiting in line at the pharmacy.
And we've got a special deal for our listeners.
Try your first month of Blue Chew free.
Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information.
And we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast.
Today's episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.
You know, it's a new year here in the world.
And that means that you might have the same problems.
That's what I'm noticing for myself.
I've got some of the same things.
And I'm not getting into self-pity, but I'm just noticing, hey, some of this stuff, I keep carrying it.
I keep carrying it.
I don't want to have this luggage anymore.
You know, I even met with a therapist today and was talking about some of those exact same things.
BetterHelp offers therapy.
BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient, serving over 5 million people worldwide.
Life isn't about resolutions that fade by February.
It's about picking up the pen and becoming the author of your own life.
And you can think of therapy as an editorial partner.
Write your story with BetterHelp.
Visit betterhelp.com slash T-H-E-O to get 10% off your first month.
So, yeah, those are my friends who were growing up.
What I didn't realize was one of my friends, she's a really big fan, and her boyfriend who was sitting next to you, he's an even bigger fan of yours.
That guy, I think one of his lips was sweating a little.
Yeah, he was losing it.
And she had her phone out and she did exactly what I asked her not to do.
And she had her flash and she recorded a video.
And I was like, she thought she was taking a picture.
Oh, that's true.
And she actually took a video and it was like three seconds long of her boyfriend saying, yeah, yeah, yeah, I think so.
Yeah.
That's all right.
Oh, but the scary part is you need to rerecord your whole conversation just because then you don't even know what you've said.
No, no, my gosh.
You say something crazy.
We're having a good time.
No, I would have had to delete that.
I was so upset.
You know, like you ask your friends to do one thing, which please don't do that one thing.
And they do that one thing.
Yeah.
I was like, oh, fuck.
That's being alive.
Being alive is they made it interesting.
Here, right here, Creed reached their highest calendar year earnings in 2024, grossing 64.8 million from 825,000 tickets across 55 performances.
Damn.
That's their highest calendar year earnings.
Is that ever?
Is there any more information with it?
So Creed's never been hotter than right now?
That's crazy to think because weren't they playing stadiums before?
You know what would be a good idea?
I've been saying this is there should be a comedian at the halftime for the Super Bowl.
It's a horrible idea.
Yeah.
I want to do it.
You do?
Yeah.
Grace, you would be.
I would fail miserably.
You think you would?
I don't know.
Maybe.
Give me, what, 11 years?
Oh, 11 years?
Yeah, I thought you were talking about net in a couple of months.
Oh, right now?
No, no.
God, no.
No, I could pull that, though, if I wanted to.
It'd be hard.
I think it would be way too scary.
It would do like half music, half.
You got to find like the good, happy medium between fireworks, music, and jokes.
It would be, yeah, I think it's like the worst thing that's ever happened in the Super Bowl thus far.
Fuck, it'd be brave of you.
I would pledge allegiance to that.
Salute on that.
There goes my intense.
There goes my hero.
Does Creed even sing that song?
No idea.
I truly don't.
Yeah, it says right there, Creed earned more money in 2024 than they did in any other year over the 30-year career.
Oh, so they've never been hotter.
Good for them.
My hero.
Oh, no, it's about Foo Fighter.
Oh, shit.
Then what's Creed?
Fucking who knows, dude.
I don't know if I'm supposed to say this, but I saw a kid rock the other night on New Year's.
He looked like he was about to.
Like he'd been through it.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
He looked like crack rock, dude.
Pull up that video of him from the other night.
Dude, no, I saw him with my own eyes.
Oh, you did?
And he looked like he was about to go out on a stretcher.
Is that always the thing?
Is that his kind of his deal?
That's not always a thing.
Oh, did somebody get a video of him?
Yeah, this is it.
He definitely.
He looked a lot worse upstairs.
He seems pretty healthy right there.
He looked like a good drinking night out.
He was shaking good.
You know what?
Was he singing?
I don't want problems with Kid Rock, actually.
He's the best at taking jokes and telling jokes.
Oh, good.
All right.
Yeah.
So he had a good time.
He almost met him for dinner that night, actually.
Have you ever spent time around him?
No, just that one high and by kind of thing.
You should do his comedy festival.
He does a comedy show here every year at the Rhyme is for charity.
Oh, no, shit.
It'd be fun to get along.
Oh, yeah.
If you wanted to, if you guys got to meet him and you guys got along.
I'm trying to think.
Do you think he'd fuck with me?
Yeah.
Are you fucking with me?
Sweetheart.
Yeah.
All right.
I'm fucking with you.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
I'm a fan.
All right.
Let's go.
I think you're...
Yeah, I'm just excited to fucking be along for the ride and see what goes on.
Yeah, thank you, man.
I'm really pumped for your movie.
That sounds like really exciting stuff.
So when do you start filming that?
We'll see.
January 10th.
Yeah, I don't want to think too much about it because I think it's what if it's horrible and then it's like you have to put it out?
Oh, yeah.
Just enjoy it.
Just enjoy it.
Don't talk about it.
Just do it.
Real G's moving silence like lasagna.
Yeah.
That kind of shit.
So that's the kind of shit we're doing.
I'm trying to think of.
You have a new podcast coming out or it's out already?
Coming out.
Okay.
Let's talk about that.
With a new network.
Have you heard the Unwell Network?
Yep, with Alex Cooper, right?
Alex Cooper.
Okay.
I never thought a day in my life I'd be a diversity hire, but it's all blonde hair, blue eye, pretty girls there.
Are you considered a diversity hire?
Yeah.
Why?
Because you're brewing red-headed?
Red-headed.
I just bring a different kind of flavor.
Oh, yeah.
Bay leave, huh?
Back bay leaf.
Do they have back bay leaves?
I think they might.
Grayson Malley is officially unwell.
So that means you're officially working with their network.
So that's happened.
That's happened, yes.
So that happened like right before the new year.
Did you know that was coming?
Was there...
You already separated from your previous podcast before this happened?
Yes.
And so that happened on I left Barcelona on Sunday and then I got the call Monday and we had paper signed by Thursday.
Wow.
So it moved pretty quick, which was kind of crazy.
And is it a better deal than you had at Barstool?
Yeah.
Oh, that's good.
Yeah, I'm excited about that.
You feel good about it?
I feel good, yeah.
Except the one thing I'm concerned about is I don't have health insurance anymore and I'm going deaf in my left ear.
Oh, yeah, that's true, huh?
So I'm going to have to figure that out.
And especially if you start taking on a lot of kicks this year, you're probably going to need some health insurance.
Yeah, right?
You know?
Maybe they need a couple of plan B pills and whatnot.
Oh, yeah.
Get you a little couple grams of plan B. Yeah.
I'll get it from Kid Rock.
Yeah.
Get it something from that ditch on you, dude.
He'll sell you something, bro.
Plan B should do a powder, huh?
Yeah.
How great would it be to do a line of plan B?
Shoot, I would fucking rip that left and right if I had the sex.
I'd do it.
Bye!
I had my first crazy fan bring me a bag of cocaine to my show the other night.
Yeah, that was good.
Oh, yeah.
They know I like this stuff, but they wrote, we love you so much on a bag of cocaine, which I thought was hilarious.
So cool.
It's just interesting.
Were you able to use any of it or not?
I preferred not to, just because circumstantially, it was unknown where the origin was from.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Yeah, dude.
My buddy's aunt used to fucking, she had that like a hole in her throat or whatever, and they used to boof cocaine right there.
That's fucking awesome.
That's sick.
Rocket that shit.
I want to get there.
Right through that little bird.
You got to be doing something, right, to get to that point.
Right through that birdhouse door she had on her neck, hole.
It's cuckoo.
Yeah, she had that little birdhouse door.
What else is going on?
What else is happening in the news right now?
We have not confirmed that the explosion was caused by very large fireworks and or a bomb carried in the bed of the rented cybertruck and is unrelated to the vehicle itself.
Oh, it could have been a fun time or terrorism.
Yeah.
Dude, the toughest thing about a cyber truck, what do you drive, Grace?
What do you drive?
I don't have a license.
You don't have your license?
I live in New York.
Oh, you don't need it, huh?
Yeah.
I used to have it, but I just let it expire.
I used to drive.
I used to drive.
And I had a Lincoln 2002 Lincoln presidential town car, which is either an elderly person or a pimp.
I don't know if you've ever seen those bad boys.
Very prestigious, yeah.
Yeah, three in the front, three in the back.
That was the fucking cruiser.
We loved that thing.
It was awesome.
Whipping that bitch.
That thing was classic.
Whipping work in that bitch, son.
That thing's awesome.
Yeah, it still smelled like my dead grandpa.
Oh, yes.
He's good.
All right, Papa.
Yeah.
He's in that bitch for the best.
I couldn't wait for him to croak to cop that thing.
You ever are.
Didn't you ever make out on your backseat of that car with any men or anything like that?
I mean, I'm sure you had some dates, huh?
We had plenty of room for it.
But I never did.
God.
And Nora, you don't coach her on dating or anything?
No, I don't know.
It's hopeless.
Well, it's fine.
I'm not worried about it.
Right?
I'm not worried about it.
But it's just been something that's been in your life.
Now, what if a man came along and he's looking for marriage?
Do you think that that's something you would actually consider, you think?
I mean, at this point, it's starting to be like, well, the older I get and the bigger reaction that I get when I tell people I've never been in a relationship is when I start to think, yeah, I think the next guy will probably be a forever.
Might be, huh?
He could be a real prick, too.
I got to lock it down.
He better be a prince.
He better be.
And there's got to be some.
I'm trying to think of, like, what's your ideal man or to even have it?
It's such a dumb question, isn't it?
Who gives a fuck?
Fuck it.
I'll tell this story.
I had a crush on Shane Gillis for a little bit.
Oh, yeah.
Big crush.
And I had met him at my work and I just word vomited.
I was talking to him and I dropped a sandwich that I was eating and he said, are you going to pick that up?
And I said, I got to go.
And I just left.
Oh, yeah.
That kind of thing.
And I just kept running into him.
You pick it up, white boy.
Yeah.
Well, I just got really nervous.
I wasn't playing cool at all.
Oh, it wasn't a stacked tactics.
No, no, I scrammed out of there.
But I just kept running into him that month, like a lot.
And it looked like I was stalking him.
And it ended with he hosted Saturday Live.
I was at the after party.
And I'm like, I'm looking at him.
I'm like, don't look at him.
Don't look at him.
And I looked at him.
I go, hey, congrats tonight, man.
He's like, yeah, thank you so much.
I said, yeah.
Bet you're going to get mad pussy tonight, bro.
Oh.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Peace.
You're not supposed to say that.
You're not supposed to say that one.
And he said, what did you say?
And I said, oh, see ya.
And I just left the bathroom line.
Dude, I bought him a beer because I felt like that.
No, I respect your fucking mood.
That's how I flirt.
Yeah.
You want this pussy?
You're never going to get it, Whitey.
Don't you come honky, honkying around this thing, around this little fucking kitty chamber, Whitey.
Yeah.
That's just like a really great example of how I operate.
Yeah.
So it all makes sense, right?
I feel you.
Sometimes I would get so nervous.
I followed a woman one time for like seven or eight blocks and I finally caught up to her and I was like, I was so nervous.
I just was like, I'm not following you.
That's what I said.
She fucking walked off.
Yeah.
I'm not following you.
Someone was uphill.
It was like obvious that I was fucking following her.
My face was all wet.
She started running.
Huh?
She started running fast.
Oh, she's moving quick, kind of, you know, with pace or whatever.
Yeah, Shane just won Cracker of the Year.
Oh, yeah, that's a huge.
This is a new one by him, right?
By Mr. A.B. I don't know.
What is this?
AB.
He did like a whole, like, he was giving awards out to everybody this year.
Oh, he was?
Yeah.
Antonio Brown?
Funny.
Yeah.
Funniest cracker.
Somebody said Winner got to use the N. That was his thing.
Winner got to use the N-word.
Is that what Antonio said?
One time or something?
I got a new goal for next year.
You do?
Yeah.
This is it?
This is it.
Cracker of the year.
Well, you get to say the end-word?
I think you can do it once.
All right.
It's not even like a month.
It's not that I want to.
It's just like, it would be a nice perk.
No, yeah.
There's got to be a prize.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I. I wonder if you could say it like in public or does it have to be alone in the shower or something?
I mean, you can, I don't, I don't say it.
I mean, I'll think it sometimes loudly or whatever, but you will not.
I'm not that guy.
Somebody in our town used to write it down all the time and throw it in, like put a message in a bottle and throw it out into the water.
And then it go downstream.
Yeah, and then like some dad and his kid are just walking along the stream and the kid finds it.
He's like, what's this?
Historic artifacts.
It's just sad that that kind of shit is just like unfortunate.
It's that kind of shit that's ruining our waterways.
That's what I'm saying.
Have you ever been in a contest?
Did you ever win like a most talented or funniest contest?
No, I've lost pretty much everything I've ever tried to do.
Crazy.
Crazy.
But you know, you can't let that stop you.
I lost class clown to some girl who dropped out of high school.
Yeah.
So we did them at the beginning of the year, and she was not there to receive the award at the end of the year.
You should have to be able to, you should have to stay in school to even be able to do it.
That's what I'm saying.
It wasn't fair.
And I don't think I was eligible because of just being a shithead.
I had like a 1.5 GPA.
Oh, you were not educated?
I was not.
I was too worried about having fun and cracking jokes.
Oh, so you were having a good time.
I was blasting off, yeah.
Okay.
I wasn't as much of a loser.
I just wasn't getting laid.
But I was cool.
I was having fun.
And were you getting wasted at parties and stuff and like having you?
Oh, absolutely.
People didn't like having me around because if you got stuck with me, you would be dragging me out of the woods.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I would fall flat.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
You were fucking just.
I was just, the party stops here, boy.
If the tree falls in the woods, you're going to hear it.
It's grace.
Yeah.
We used to have this guy in our town, this fellow.
He had, well, a lot of Irish, they've always equated the Irish with like, I don't want to say like a step up from having Down syndrome or whatever, but it's popular.
Right.
Like we had a guy in our town.
I've told this story before, but he had Down syndrome and his mom didn't know it, right?
Never got the paperwork or the blood test or whatever.
And so she just thought he was Irish, right?
She thought he's Irish and she's like buying him all this Boston.
This wasn't Shane.
Shane probably knows the guy, but this was just a local DS guy, you know?
Oh, but his mom would get him all this Boston Celtic shit and Notre Dame shit.
I was like, you know, and the train that came in our town didn't even go to Boston, so it would probably never go to Boston.
But whenever he would misbehave or whatever, they would put him in this baby crib, even when he was an adult.
And he had this thing where he just would not go out of it.
He would stay in the crib.
Oh, wow.
Like a play pen, not a crib, but like a baby's play little area or whatever.
And he would stay in it, even like, you know, 14, 15 years old.
Yeah, something like that.
What else did I see recently?
Oh, there was the LSD Diplo.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Diplo trips on LSD.
What is the most, I'm so curious.
What's the most conventional place, John LSD?
Right now?
Right now?
Please.
Oh, my God.
Hold on.
Please tell me.
Look at Anderson.
He's probably getting sick for me.
It could be gay for me.
Yeah, Diplo is definitely...
That guy loves to party.
Yeah, he loves to party.
That's so brave, dude, to go on live television on LSD.
Oh, my God.
I'd kill myself.
I really would.
That's so scary.
I would smoke my own nuts, bro.
I could not even find it, dude.
I would take my penis off and just fucking hide it in somebody's face, dude.
I could not.
I would freak the fuck out, dude.
He was playing it so cool, too.
So cool.
I would have been scratching my eyes out.
Yeah.
I can't.
I did it one time.
You did?
Yeah.
You did LSD when you were on camera?
Yeah.
I wasn't on camera, no.
I just, like, in general, did it one time.
I didn't like it.
Oh, only one time?
And where did you guys go?
It was after a long day of partying.
We ripped it at three in the morning.
So it was a really bad idea.
Yeah.
Really bad idea.
Oh, yeah.
So I won't be doing that anytime soon.
But Molly's a lot better.
She's a sweetheart.
I like her.
Oh, yeah.
Molly's the other one's shit.
Yeah, I remember throwing a bunch of rocks at a bunch of grass or whatever.
We thought there was like these little people in it or whatever.
And we thought we kept hearing them yell every time we throw the rock in there.
It was just children.
Oh, half my buddies.
In the morning, half my buddy's driveway was in that fucking.
We were all sweating and our shoulders were hurting.
Who was like the neighbors?
Yeah, just fucking just, they had like these elephantier things in the ditch.
And we thought that like we kept throwing these rocks.
I was like, listen, you can hear these people scream when you throw it in there.
Getting fucking devious on that.
That's not, you are not a one love hippie on LSD.
Oh, we threw a fucking eighth of a dump truck of driveway gravel into that ditch.
Started eating it and shit.
I'm trying to think of some famous LSD trips.
I mean, I had some good ones.
I had one where I like, well, it wasn't LSD.
I took mushrooms to a party.
And a lot of people had never taken them and I gave them all to them.
And I was like, let's play High and Go Seek.
And I just counted.
And they all went and hid.
And they were all alone with their thoughts.
I never looked for any of them.
Wait, that's classic.
I'm still never.
You are devious.
I've still never looked for them.
Yeah, fuck them, dude.
If they can't handle that fucking mountain lion, bitch, then get out of the fucking.
Can't handle their own goddamn thoughts, and they can get the fuck out of my face.
Then get out the forest, big dog, huh?
If you don't want to link up, then get out the food chain, bitch.
You feel me?
That's how you like tear your friends.
Like, who can handle it?
Who can handle being alone?
Who can do their drugs?
My favorite thing ever, I used to be with my buddy Jeffrey and Scotty and Nate.
We'd all be outside smoking, smoking dope or whatever, smoking flour or weed or whatever.
And I'd come back in a few minutes early and Jeff's dad would be always sitting in the house just reading the newspaper or whatever.
And I'd come in and I'd be like, Mr. Mike, they're like, let's go out of it.
I'll just, Jeff was being kind of, I don't know, like he just, he kept taking his shirt off or whatever.
And Mr. Mike had issues with like gay.
Gay.
Yeah, I saw that coming.
So the second I was like, he had his shirt off, whatever, he'd be like, you could fucking feel his fucking teeth just climbing over his tongue through the newspaper, right?
He'd be like, and so I would just plant that seed, dude, and I would just go, and they would come in, they'd be stoned out of their brain.
They'd come in the house, and he'd be like, Jeffrey, and you fucking have them come in there, just roast them for being homosexuals.
What are you doing out there with your fucking shirt off?
And Jeff's stoned out of his face, has no idea what's going on.
He'd stay in the house behind him, like, yeah, why are you being such a gay homo?
Oh, it was a good time.
I mean, it was just, it wasn't good.
You like throwing your boys under the bus.
I like fucking being the bus driver, and all the seats are under the bus.
Nice.
That's what I like.
And it's short, too.
Yeah, I just like that.
I like just creating something, right?
Like, let's see what happens here if we set this thing up this way.
Let's cause some chaos.
There was that one famous story.
Who's the famous?
There was two members of, I think, Fleetwood Mac that took LSD.
Oh, there it is.
The night that Fleetwood Mac lost Peter Green and Danny Kirwan to LSD.
Yeah, what was it?
What it did?
It's all amid a manic psychedelic party in a commune-like mansion.
Green, I think it's Peter Green is the guy's name, was drawn down into the basement and arrived out of the other side in tears.
In the band's eyes, he was distraught, despite Green claiming to have had an extraordinary experience and stating that he played the best guitar of his life down there.
Another member of the band present that day was Danny Kirwan.
Fate also besieged him that night.
Peter Green and Danny Kerwin both went together to that house in Munich.
Okay, that's where they were after a show.
Their one-time manager, Clifford Davis, recalls, both of them took acid, as I understand.
Both of them, as of that day, became seriously mentally ill.
It would be too much of a coincidence for it to be anything other than taking drugs as of that day.
Of fear, the rest of the band felt an intense sense of dread in that place and managed to scurry away with the two heavily intoxicated members.
While Green would recover and enjoy a creative life away from the spotlight despite persistent problems, things fared differently for Kirwin.
Danny had been a nervous and sensitive lad from the start.
He was never really suited to the rigors of the business, Mick Fleetwood once opined.
Touring is hard in the routine wears us all down.
One night while backstage this regression came to the fore, Danny was being odd about tuning his guitar.
Mick Fleetwood remembers he got up suddenly and bashed his head into the wall, splattering blood everywhere.
I've never seen him do anything violent in all the years I'd known him.
The rest of us were paralyzed in complete shock.
Damn.
He was wonderful, but he couldn't handle the life, eventually ending up homeless on the streets of London.
Wow.
Damn.
Sounds like a Tuesday.
Yeah.
That's what happens, dude.
That's my biggest fear.
Is it really?
It's getting schizophrenic.
Really?
Yeah.
It like freaks me out.
It doesn't even run in the family, but that sounds scary.
Yeah, I think taking a hit of acid or something, next thing you know, you're just, you don't, you know, you don't know what you're doing.
Yeah.
Actually, it might run in the family.
I got a cousin like that.
You do?
Yeah.
It's tough.
And it's a man or woman?
Both.
God, yeah.
Yeah.
That's a thing, dude.
I would just, I don't know if I could be a man and a woman.
Do you think you could handle it?
I think I do a good job already.
I'm saying manly shit to men to flirt with them.
Huh?
Like, yeah, fucking get some pail tonight, brother.
Like, what?
Yeah, huh?
Euclid, huh?
Patroya.
Let's go Brady.
Come on now.
Deflate these balls.
God.
Yeah, that's the unfortunate truth.
Who's on my Mount Rushmore, I wonder?
Yeah.
From where you're from.
Oh, from where I'm from?
I'm trying to think of my Boston one.
Oh, my Boston one would be Oh, please, please.
Oh, Will Hunting.
So you got him.
You got Tom Brady.
You got Dutch Smith from...
This is him.
Following an arson over the weekend, police say a teenager is responsible for all that damage.
He's watched 16's Nikki Cries.
Joins us live from the Central Pennsylvania newsroom with more tonight, Nikki.
Julie, a lot of people in Shimokin are upset that Dunkin' Donuts is closed because they didn't have anywhere else to go for coffee and donuts.
Today, we also learn new information about the teenage girl police charged with setting the place on fire.
Yellow tape surrounds the Dunkin' Donuts on West Sunbury Street in Shimokin.
The popular donut shop is closed until further notice because of extensive fire damage.
There's a lot of people that's definitely going to miss it.
No doubt about it.
A teenager is charged with starting a fire inside the restaurant on Sunberry Street.
Go further down.
They start interviewing people.
Oh, back up.
Many people who live in Shimokin are upset that Dunkin' Donuts is closed.
Now I have to rely on myself to go to maybe a Turkey Hill or something where I don't like their donuts.
I'd rather the donuts at Dunkin' Donuts.
And I'm kind of dealing with it, but I really miss Dunkin' Donuts.
I go there every day.
I get a chicken baker croissant or I get some coffee, powerade.
If I'm dehydrated, I sit there all the time.
If I have any like legal work that I need to do, I go there.
I meet with my attorneys there.
I'm going to miss that place if it don't open up.
A lot of my friends go in there, get the cold coffee, iced coffee, I guess it's called.
So the guy in the middle was like, yeah, I get stayed D.I. Grady, meet my attorney up there, my boy Dutch Smith.
He's on my phone.
He's on your motorbush.
Is he also on your team?
I feel like you know him.
The Dunkin' Donets over there.
I got to talk to my lawyers.
He's like, I got to do some legal work.
What are you going to do?
Legal work?
You got to go to dunks.
He's like, oh, yeah.
What do they call up there?
Cold coffee.
Iced coffee.
Ladylike.
That's good.
They call it cold coffee.
He's up freaking crazy first.
Like, oh, yeah.
Maybe at the dunks on 15th and 2nd.
We'll get some legal work.
We got some legal work.
That's so good.
And you know, he's not studying to be a lawyer.
No.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, you know he's not studying to be a lawyer.
can you do accents?
Do I do them?
Can you do accents?
Yeah, no, I can't really do them that much.
I don't think sometimes I wish I spent more time focusing on stuff like that.
Yeah, what about you?
I could just do Irish.
Yeah, yeah, pretty, but under pressure, it's pretty hard, but you really have to emphasize the arts, really.
Truly and honestly, yeah.
Truly, truly and honestly, yeah.
Are you going?
I do.
I do it a wee little bit, but here and there is a good party trick if you do it.
Oh, yeah.
But it's not really going to take me far in life, is it?
Think you're back to Ireland.
That's fine.
Yeah, I'm bad.
But I think maybe if I, it'd be fun to work on, I guess.
I don't know.
Yeah, I think I like it.
You did a good job.
No, thanks.
Have you toured in Ireland yet?
You got to wait.
No.
You got to wait.
I'm new ski.
Yeah, sorry.
What are we talking about?
I'm brand new.
Yeah, so which is probably why I have nothing to talk about.
No, you're great to talk to.
Oh, Grace Amalia.
I love, I'm glad I've gotten a sit and chat with you.
If you guys don't know Grace, now you probably do.
I think you have a good, I think, did we talk about your life enough, do you think?
Yeah, sure.
Okay.
Yeah.
Oh, did you finish college or not?
No, I dropped out.
You did?
Yeah.
But by the time I dropped out of college, I had a 4.0.
You did?
Yeah, I found out what Adderall was.
Oh, so you were using them.
So I needed it.
Yeah.
As it turned out.
The Irish need it.
What are the Irish missing?
There's always that thing, you know?
They're missing out on...
They don't know how to express it.
Oh, yeah, they can't, huh?
Yeah, they can't.
Yeah, it's like.
They just get you a fucking Edelman jersey.
Yeah.
They just hope that'll equate to love.
It's good.
Yeah, why can't they do it?
Well, sharing a beer in silence.
That's also supposed to be love in their eyes.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, why do the Irish have that trouble sharing love?
Maybe, and if people listen, they can hit the hotline too with that 985-664-9503.
And that would be great to just, I want to examine that next time we have a solo episode is why the Irish have that trouble expressing their love.
Do you think that they have it more than other cultures?
Let's think just to compare.
The Koreans can't do it.
They can't?
No, they can't.
No.
Is it tough love or is it just no love?
Well, there's a video.
You see that?
I think Steve.
Look up Stevie Weeby.
He just put that video up of him, Bobby, and their mother trying to do Christmas together or something.
Can you see that if you put it on his Instagram?
The Koreans, I don't think they can do it.
Bobby's the Asian representative.
Bobby is.
I want to say he may be.
You like it?
You like it?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Late at night, and I leave Duke here by himself.
He loses his mind, huh?
Oh, Bobby?
No, Duke.
Oh, why do you go to 7-Eleven?
Why do you go to 7-Eleven?
You have no snacks here.
I got hungry.
So there's a drink.
No, it was six in the morning.
So, what happened last night was therapy.
Oh, my God.
That's good.
This is like that game show, like that telephone game or whatever.
Can you see where Bobby comes in later or not?
Is there any?
Can you help me out?
Get further down, further, further.
Is there anything that's not?
No, maybe not.
The mother is very endearing.
I would love to meet her.
She's probably a star that I would like to meet.
Yeah.
Who's up there for you?
Who haven't you met?
And who, on top of that, who was your favorite thus far?
I don't know.
I got to meet Mel Gibson one time, and he was very captivating.
Yeah, that's wild.
It's very like you get drawn into him, you know.
You sit down and like shoot the shit with him?
Yep.
Yeah.
Yeah, I did get to one time, which is crazy because Patriot's my favorite movie, probably.
Was there anything else that we wanted to talk about?
You have any of our topics, anything you want to look at really quick?
I'm just trying to think, Grace, before I let you go.
Oh, wait.
So your new podcast.
Tell me about it.
Okay, so it is going to be coming out in February.
That's great.
Everything is completely up in the air right now, trying to figure out what the hell it's going to be.
But for the most part, the idea for it is the name's going to be Disgraceful.
And I'm going to have like guests on every week.
And for the first 15 to 20 minutes, they're auditioning to be my new co-host because I need a new co-host.
So that's like the niche there.
And then after that, hopefully we'll shoot the shit.
I'll get to practicing a little more and be a little better for that.
So what are you looking for in your co-host?
Do you already have a parameters?
That's the thing.
It's all just a gimmick.
I'm never probably going to have a host.
Oh, you're not?
We'll see how it goes.
But there is possibility there.
Possibility.
Like Alex suggested.
Alex Cooper.
Alex Cooper suggested that from Caller Daddy.
Yeah.
So I had pitched her my idea for this podcast and she's like, yeah, that's awesome.
But what if you did a podcast with like Blake Griffin?
I'm like, what?
So that's the idea that she has for it.
So we're going to figure out something somewhere in the middle, something like that.
Yeah.
That was just like a little behind the scenes kind of phone call.
So we'll see how it goes.
Will she have a say in it?
Will you have a say in it?
Will it just be, is it up to you?
I get final say.
Yeah.
So I think I'm going to stick to my guns.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think just trust your instincts.
Yeah.
Whatever your instincts are, I love them.
Thanks.
Right back at you.
They're fun.
Your instincts are fun to ride along with.
The Down for Anything tour that's going on right now.
Yep.
And despite everything I've said on this podcast, it is a good show.
So come on up.
Oh, yeah.
I believe that it is.
I almost stayed.
I wanted to say that.
I think I got nervous.
There were so many girls in there.
A lot of girls.
Yeah.
It's like a slumber party.
Yeah.
And then I just, my whole time, I'm just trying to make the boyfriends laugh.
Yeah.
Because they don't want to be there.
Oh, they do.
So I like really try my best to make them laugh the most.
You know what's so funny about comedy?
A lot of times you'd be on stage and it's all dates there.
And so you're like, so not only are you like the kind of like, if you're the lonely one, if you're the one that doesn't have a boyfriend or girlfriend, then you're also providing you're the entertainment, right?
They're paying for shit, but then they all have, and then you're like, oh, it just builds up this.
Sometimes they can build up this weird fucking resentment.
Yeah, totally.
I mean, um, I just did a New Year's Eve show, so everyone three, two, one, everyone's had a kiss, and I'm like, I'm still on stage by myself.
It's like a double whammy, fuck you.
I was like, this is what you're gonna do then.
You throw a couple fingers in the hoo-ha?
What do you do at that point?
I just, uh, I, I, I started, uh, I just grabbed the bouncer.
I just fucked him on stage there.
No, I started, I started shotgunning beers.
So I felt less lonely.
Yes, I swear to God.
There it is, Gracie.
We're gonna fucking, we're gonna send some cats your way this year, Gracie, baby.
Hey, yeah.
We're gonna send you a boatload of cats.
Yeah.
Fuck this year, that's for sure.
That's what it is, okay.
And why do they say cork up there in Medford?
Yeah.
It's just there's no way no, there's no, it's not, it's not a way for a woman to talk.
Yeah.
Yeah, dude, I was going in.
I had a show out right outside in Medford.
I don't know where it is.
Is that right outside of the city?
Medford, yeah.
Medford.
That's a town.
And I had a show right out there, and some guy's walking up with his wife.
They're eating a piece of pizza.
And he's like, Doris, that's the guy.
We're going to give him your pizza.
Give him your pizza.
And they're both eating.
You can tell they just gotten snack.
They're running over.
They're running a few minutes late.
I'm like, don't give it.
He's like, give me a fucking pizza.
Doris, he fucking pitched.
I love this guy.
I don't love you.
You're fucking going to see him.
I'm Doris.
So Doris gives me her pizza and then they go inside.
The guys just eat.
I'm like, what the fuck are you doing, Nick?
Oh, my God.
I'm just like, what?
Yeah, that's the kind of guys up there.
They'll throw their wives across a car to impress their boys.
Oh, yeah.
They give them all about their voice.
They're kind of gay for it.
Oh, they're guessing.
Yeah.
Just to get a whiff of Pedroia's fucking catch us mitt.
All right.
I think we've had enough.
I think we've had a good start to the year.
Anything that you're trying to push on yourself this year?
I know maybe love is in the air.
That's always in the air.
Yeah.
Anything else you're kind of like, is there a real goal that you have or something this year?
Get porked at least once.
Okay.
And then we'll go.
Getting slammed.
Now we talking.
We're talking, I'll take it wherever I can get it.
Oh, come on.
This is a Christian program.
Oh, here's it now.
My apologies.
So you're right at home.
Go ahead.
Yeah, no.
And then I'm trying to cut back on drinking.
I have a drinking problem.
You do?
I'm a functioning alcoholic.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, big time.
So I'm trying to kick back.
Okay.
I'm going to start with the dry January and see where that goes.
Oh, so you're tapping back in.
So for the rest of January, you're off.
Oh, yeah.
I missed the first day, but what are you going to do?
That's still December in some places.
Yeah, right?
In Holland, I think, yeah, they're behind.
Yeah, it's like.
I'm on Holland time.
Fuck it.
I'm on Holland time.
Okay.
What about me?
No, I'm going to try to be sober all year, I think.
But any New Year's resolution?
Resolutions, yeah.
I'm going to try to be more pertinent with my time.
Like, don't waste time in things that I know.
Like, I think with relationship stuff, don't waste like dating time and things that maybe don't have a chance kind of thing.
That's fair.
I don't know.
So stop dating girls with no personality?
Yeah, just if I know it's not really there, don't just kind of use, you know, use the situation just because maybe I'm lonesome or something.
Yeah.
You know, or like, don't, or just because I don't have anybody to go do, you know, just be like, well, just do shit by myself then.
So now they'll just be by myself or whatever.
It's not all that bad.
Right.
It's not that bad.
Yeah.
Do it all the time.
And then your nightmare is my everyday.
I don't know.
And then, I don't know, get out there and fucking do some sex maybe.
I don't know.
Something else.
I don't know.
I'd like to read a little bit more maybe this year.
Did you read a lot last year?
Not as much as I'd have liked.
But just because I want to have that slow time where your thoughts are slowed down and you're just kind of relaxing, you know.
It's like my brain gets so sped up.
Yeah, I can't.
I don't know how to slow it down.
Yeah, slow it down and maybe pray.
Pray, yeah, pray if I meet a wife or something.
2025, that's where I'm at.
There you go.
202Y.
Make it happen, dude.
It's good.
I like that.
Welcome to Come Country.
There you go.
Then you can hang out with your other friends.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We're coming up.
You got me a bride now.
Look at her.
Look at her.
She gives me peaches.
Doris.
Grace O'Malley, thank you so much for coming.
Nora O'Malley, thank you for coming too.
And cheers and blessings to you guys.
Happy New Year.
Happy New Year, man.
Thank you very much.
It was an honor, truly and honestly.
And same for me.
And best of luck with Disgraceful.
It comes out in February.
Yes.
Okay, on the Unwell Network.
Hell yeah.
Amen.
Hell yeah.
Now I'm just floating on the breeze.
And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind I found.