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July 23, 2024 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

01:39:12

E518 A Mall Cop

Gus Parsons is a security professional who worked for 10 years as a mall cop in San Diego, CA, where he was born and raised. Theo is joined by a mall cop to talk about everything that’s going on behind the scenes at America’s malls. They chat about the training process, dealing with drunk Santas, and what’s really been going on at Hot Topic. Gus Parsons: https://www.instagram.com/micdupwithgus/ ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ BetterHelp: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp — go to http://betterhelp.com/theo to get 10% off your first month. BlueChew: Go to http://bluechew.com and use code THEO at checkout to receive your first month free - just pay $5 shipping! Gametime: Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code WEEKEND for $20 off your first purchase. Zocdoc: Go to http://zocdoc.com/theo to find and book a top-rated doctor today. 50 Fires: Go to link.pscrb.fm/theovon-2307812 to listen to the 50 Fires Podcast. ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Producer: Cam https://www.instagram.com/cam__george/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Time	Text
	I got a few tour dates to tell you about Wallingford, Connecticut, Portland, Maine, Bangor, Maine, Moncton, Canada, Las Vegas, Nevada.
	We'll be back for the USC LSU football weekend.
	Oklahoma City, Northern Little Rock, Springfield, Missouri, Kansas City, Missouri, Sioux Falls, South Dakota, La Crosse, Wisconsin, Green Bay, Wisconsin, Moline, Illinois.
	You can get tickets for those at theova.com slash T-O-U-R.
	Thank you so much for your support.
	Today's guest served 10 years as a mall cop.
	You know who I'm talking about, that fella that's just looking all beast mode outside of the Cinnabon, baby.
	You know what I'm talking about.
	That Build-A-Bear badass baby.
	Mall copping.
	We get into it all.
	The stories, the stealing, the sex.
	Hey.
	Grateful for his time.
	Today's guest is mall cop Gus Parsons.
	Shine that light on me.
	I'll sit and tell you my stories.
	Shine on me.
	And I will find a song I've been singing just before.
	And now I've been moving way through.
	Gus Parsons, thanks for coming in, man.
	Hey, shit, I'm glad to be here, bro.
	You've worked in security for 20 years, right?
	Mall cop.
	Mall cop for 10 years.
	10 years.
	Wow.
	Did my tour.
	Did you?
	Yeah, that's great.
	And how do you get into mall copping?
	Basically, zero education, no goals in life.
	No, it's, you know, it's just one of those things that kind of just happens, you know, like I started off doing other security and then just turns into like, hey, I need a job, you know, and a full-time job at that.
	And mall security is usually one of those ones like, hey, man, can you breathe?
	I'm like, yes, fully functional.
	And they're like, you're hired, you know?
	So that's how I got into it.
	Was your father in mall copping or was it, is it a, it's not a.
	Okay.
	My dad was actually a bus driver.
	Oh, he was?
	Yeah.
	That's cool, man.
	I've ridden on buses and I like it.
	I mean, the fact of us wearing uniforms in the family, that's a thing.
	Oh, it is?
	It's not military.
	You know, bus driver, security guards.
	Yeah.
	So you get a job at the mall, right?
	So where's the first mall you clock in at?
	The first one I ever did.
	Yeah.
	It was called Horton Plaza.
	It was downtown San Diego.
	No longer there.
	Rest in peace.
	But it was a three-story mall, had the theater down there, had all the kids hung out there at the time because the buses went and connected all through there.
	Who told you to get a job as a small cop?
	Did you just...
	Yeah.
	I wasn't into the whole labor thing.
	I did the little side jobs, building swimming pools, just being out in the sun.
	Stuff I'd been doing.
	What do you mean being out in the sun?
	Like what, hitchhiking or whatever?
	Yeah, you know, it was a hard job.
	No, you know, just like labor, you know, like hard labor, you know, digging and trenches and like I said, digging swimming pools and stuff.
	It just, I'm too fat for stuff like that.
	So when I got into like the mall cop thing, it was kind of supposed to be a lazy job for me.
	And it definitely wasn't a lazy job for me because I still come from the era of chasing people down.
	Okay.
	And that used to be fun.
	What, as a mall cop, you mean?
	Yeah, yeah.
	Well, first of all, what is the training like?
	Oh, here's your, here's the mall.
	Here's the clock in.
	Like I said, you can still breathe, right?
	I'm like, yeah, okay, well, you're fully functional, you know?
	Training with that is just more like.
	You don't have to have like a, there's not like a physical requirements to be a mall cop.
	No, they actually will give you a segue if you can't meet the physical requirements.
	Yeah.
	Like, oh, you can't walk that fast.
	Well, here's, here's some mobile wheels, you know, like, here you go.
	That Paul Blart shit's real.
	It's very much real.
	Like a lot of people make fun of it and stuff.
	I'm like, actually, those are for the mall cops who can't get physical.
	Wow.
	And that's embarrassing.
	I've gotten on those things and actually chased people as a joke.
	Like, oh, they're stealing.
	I'm like, oh, watch this.
	You know, it's embarrassing for them.
	They're running through the mall and you're just like coastal.
	Oh, exactly.
	That look right there.
	Well, segues are so ridiculous.
	Because the whole, every time you're talking to a guy on a segue, he's like, all right, man, I'll see you guys later.
	And then he just takes, he's just like, fucking.
	Or you get those real professional ones and do the full spin on you.
	And they're just like, yeah, that's yeah, all that.
	But the training-wise, man, it's not much.
	So there's no training.
	So there's no like, but there's not a, there's not like where there's boot camp or anything like that.
	Oh, not no more.
	Okay.
	I think that was the 70s security guards.
	I used to learn from those tough guys.
	Did you?
	Oh, yeah.
	Punch them in the face.
	I'm like, well, we can do that.
	Like, we're not cops.
	I'm like, when you find out as a security guard that you're not a cop and things change, you're like, oh, I can do some shit now.
	But that was back in the day.
	Now you just have to kind of watch them steal and run off out the mall.
	And you're like, hey.
	Well, what do you mean when you watch them, when you see them?
	Like late, okay, so as of like the past 10 years now, you know, everyone's got cell phones and a stick up their ass.
	So it's like, hey, I'm trying to steal from your store.
	Don't touch me.
	So now some guy who won a case, I don't know however many years ago, now it's like, you can't chase them.
	You can't touch them.
	You just have to kind of monitor their stealing.
	Like, hey, man, put that Gucci belt in that pocket.
	It's showing, you know, like you got to kind of escort them out the mall.
	So what do you, but do you can't, can you even, so what's your, what do you used to be like, stop, fucker?
	Yeah.
	Can you even do that?
	No, you can't even say that.
	You can't say fucker.
	You just say fucker.
	Fucker, you know, like you say stop.
	They're like, hey, you can't tell me what to do.
	I identify as go, you know?
	Oh, shit, you know?
	So there's no training?
	No.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	So there's no training.
	Do you shadow anybody when you first start?
	Like, yeah, you'll go in, you'll shadow a couple of the guys that have been there a while.
	They'll show you what stores to stay away from, what stores are cool, more or less, just doing the whole rounds.
	A lot of time you would have, some malls would make you like scan in every 10 minutes through the place.
	But then we just kind of figured out if you just took a picture and then went to the copy place and made a copies of those and had a sheet, you can just sit in the office and scan those things if nobody's watching.
	So, as soon as your shadow leaves, that was pretty much it.
	Oh, so you're saying like a QR code?
	Yeah.
	Like at each place, you'd have to scan as you're moving around the mall.
	Yeah, so every day you'd have to go and check in, like, oh, I'm at the baby gap, you know, here.
	And then you just have to keep checking in as you go through the mall to make sure that you've secured the whole place, stuff like that.
	Like, I'm at baby gap, I'm at Bed Bath and Beyond, I'm at Rocco's Tacos or whatever, and just around the bin.
	Yeah.
	So we just take a picture of the barcode, send it to our email, put all the barcodes on a sheet, printed it, and then we had it in the office.
	So you could just sit there and just scan them every few minutes?
	Yeah, we put timers on our cell phones and stuff.
	Like, hey, how long do you think it would take us to get from here to here?
	One guy was an idiot.
	He would scan them all in a row.
	And one time our supervisor came and he's like, hey, speedy, like, how are you doing this?
	And he's like, and we got caught a little bit, but yeah.
	Wow, that's a good hack, bro.
	We have a lot of hacks at the Mawai.
	We don't?
	Hell yeah.
	When you pull up, so when you start, when you first start there, were there like old heads working there?
	Like, what are the different types of mall cops?
	Oh, man.
	Okay.
	So you got your pant booters.
	We call them pant booters.
	Those are the security guards who did not make it as a cop.
	Their uncle or their step uncle was a cop, so they wanted to be a cop.
	So they come in, they got the whole vest on.
	Everything's tucked in nice.
	They got their pants tucked into their boots.
	You know, they're ready for combat.
	And it's like, bro, it's a mall job, you know?
	So you got that guy.
	And I will tell everyone that you know that guy.
	We all work with that guy.
	Then sometimes you get the little thug dudes that are just like hanging around just because they need a job.
	And that's not, you know, I'm not being discriminant, but that's, it's very true.
	We get a lot of little thug guys that do security.
	It's great because they're the ones that usually bring the weed for us, you know?
	So it's always like, fuck yeah, love you guys.
	So those guys are usually ones like, you know, and that's not a race.
	That's just the little ghetto guys that always come.
	They don't do their job.
	Shirts untucked.
	They're like, eh, we just do the bare minimum.
	You know, if someone's stealing, let us know.
	Yeah, those guys always look like they are going to get some girl pregnant.
	Or they already have.
	The girl from Cinnabon's usually pregnant.
	Is she?
	Hell yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	It's in the oven, baby.
	Hell yeah.
	Both with bun and that.
	Two buns going at once.
	Drizzle it.
	Okay, so and so those are the main two types of cops.
	You feel like the mall cops?
	And then there's just the average Joe.
	Like I would have put myself in the average Joe category, like, you know, just the dad who just needs a job.
	But there's that guy.
	There's the real Paul Blark kind of type, you know, like no girlfriend, no wife, you know, lives at home with mom, can't wait to go play video games type guy, you know.
	Like almost like the guy that never left the mall in a way.
	He grew up in the mall and was like, I'm going to get a job here, you know, like never left.
	He's never played here.
	Yeah, malls are awesome.
	I'm getting that 10% discount.
	Malls are awesome, dude.
	I remember in our, we used to go to Slide L, Louisiana.
	They had a mall there.
	Bring it up, see if it's there.
	You'll see some images of it.
	And they.
	So this is a North Shore Square Mall?
	Yeah, there's the doors.
	We'd go in, dude.
	And we'd camp.
	They let you camp right outside by the parking lot, like in the medians.
	So we'd get dropped over there on Saturday.
	We'd hang out at the mall and then we'd sleep in our tents.
	And then Sunday, we'd go back into the mall, dude.
	And they had a church service in there, too.
	And we could just go do it all right there.
	Get you some lunch, get you on some of those little shaker chairs.
	I loved it when those first came out.
	I was there for that.
	Like, I was there for that evolution of the mall chair.
	Were you?
	Yeah, they just popped up one day.
	We're like, what in the lazy is this?
	You know, like, it was great.
	You know, so all of us would be on our break just if I can vibrate now.
	I'm like, you can't do that.
	I'm like, shit, if I can't, it only costs a dollar, you know?
	Yeah.
	Hey, whisper something nasty to me, right?
	You know, segue.
	You're like, oh, yeah.
	What was the uniform like that you guys had?
	It's just a basic cop knockoff.
	I refused to wear the Mountain Me hats because what is it?
	The Mountie hats.
	Oh, Mountie hats.
	Yeah, we call them Mountain Me hats, you know, from, but no, some malls will literally make you wear a Mountie hat.
	And it's like, why?
	Like, we're in the fucking mall.
	We're not like.
	Who are y'all?
	Yeah.
	Like, I don't know if you could, yeah.
	See, like, that's literally how a lot of mall cops will dress.
	Yeah.
	Why do they even make y'all look like that?
	I have no idea.
	That's one of the most ridiculous things.
	Whoever did that, you really hate all of us.
	Yeah.
	Whoever, like, because there's an ultimate mall cop out there who's just like, I'm going to make this the worst uniform ever.
	And it's funny because you get those little ghetto dudes are like, they come in and they're like, yeah, I'm here to work.
	And you're like, okay, well put on your little mountain hat.
	And you're like, oh, shit, you know?
	Why is the hat?
	Do you think it's just so people know immediately who is there to help them if they need it?
	I suppose, but it's just more of like a target.
	Oh, yeah.
	You know, it's like at the, we're already getting called ren of cops and everything else.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	You know, it's like, sorry.
	I'm shit.
	I don't give a fuck.
	Yeah, I don't care.
	Me neither.
	But I've been called f ⁇ s all the like.
	Oh, yeah.
	But now they're like, oh, look at this f ⁇ in that hat.
	Yeah.
	It's like, you're like, fuck, man.
	I couldn't do that.
	I feel like you got me there.
	Yeah.
	And you're like, we were good.
	Now the hat.
	Fuck me.
	And it's like, you can't even deny that.
	You could argue back with like, oh, you're a f ⁇ .
	Well, look at your shoes.
	And then all he has to do is go, you have a mountain hat on.
	Yeah.
	You're Canadian.
	And then on top of it, here's the worst part.
	Some malls will do the stripes and like, I've been here for two years.
	I got a stripe.
	You know, I got me a little lieutenant stripes.
	Like, lieutenant of what?
	The fucking food court?
	You know, like, who cares?
	But those are some of the mall.
	I've dealt with a few malls.
	And one of the malls I had to deal with the Mountainee hats and the stripes.
	They give you stripes for how many years you've been there?
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	And one guy had like six.
	I was like, you need a fucking life, bro.
	Like, all decorated, look like a general and shit.
	Serious, huh?
	And then he was the one on the Mountaine hat who had, like, if you look at him, they have like these little like ropes or something that's on.
	I don't know what they're actually called.
	His was gold.
	Out of every, like everyone had black ones.
	They were gray hats with black.
	He had to have a gold rope.
	Because he was the leader or something?
	He was just there.
	He wasn't even the supervisor.
	He was just there the longest.
	Yeah.
	It's like, okay, like, you know?
	10-4, yeah.
	And, and what kind of, What kind of tactical gear do you guys have?
	It depends on the mall.
	It depends on how they want you dressed.
	I've had to do the whole get up to where I, like, I've been an armed security guard.
	So I've had to wear guns and stuff and the holsters and bulletproof vests and all that just because of what was going on in the situation.
	And those are fun.
	It's fun to dress up like G.I. Joe because, you know, I'm 45. So it's like I get to play out a little kid fantasy songs.
	I'm like, man, I kind of want to do this when I was a kid.
	Now I'm just like, yeah, fuck you.
	You know, all teched up.
	When I worked dispensaries, I used to work a lot of dispensaries this past 10 years too.
	We were all teched up and tacked out and looking like SWAT and shit until the real cops came and they're like, what are you doing playing dress up?
	Wait, are mall cops allowed to carry weapons?
	At one point we were, and then one point we were not.
	We were allowed to carry batons and what, pre-rolls or whatever?
	Yes, basically.
	It's like, it's either I'm going to beat you or here, smoke this, you know, fuck.
	You guys had a baton?
	Like, my era was like the last era of being able to carry a baton.
	And what's funny in California, like, say you fucking come running out and I have a gun and a baton.
	If I shoot you in the leg, I'm good.
	If I hit you with that baton, LA riots all over.
	There you see.
	Wow, the baton, was it heavy?
	Oh, yeah, it's about an eight-pound stick.
	And there were some guys that actually teach you how to use the baton and stuff.
	And it's like, they get you on this wrist thing and bend you all up.
	And you're like, oh, shit, can I just hit him with it?
	You know, like, nah, you have to use it tactically.
	That's what they said?
	Did you ever get to hit somebody with it?
	I threw one at somebody one time.
	Yeah.
	It was like right out of the fucking movies, too.
	Did you hit him?
	In the legs, and he tripped and he fell, and we beat the shit out of him.
	It's okay.
	It was a long time.
	How long ago was it?
	Oh, shit.
	Shit, early 20s, so like 2020 or 2003, maybe something like that.
	What's the statue of limitations on that, do you think?
	Mall abuse or whatever.
	Non-sexual.
	Those are the best, though.
	10 years.
	You're good.
	Yeah.
	You're good, dude.
	All right.
	So I threw this baton at this guy, right?
	Now he was running out the store.
	Somebody's like, hey, you know, thief.
	And I was like, and I swear to you, I don't know what movie clicked in my head.
	I was like, grab your baton, throw it.
	I just threw it and I said, and it made the little noise and everything, clipped him in the leg.
	He tripped.
	And I was like, like in my soul, I was like, I fucking did it.
	And by the time I like realized that my guys were already on him, I'm like, yeah, that was awesome.
	But yeah, you do that now.
	You're going like as a security guard, you might go to jail.
	Yeah.
	That sucks.
	Well, now it's so crazy.
	Literally a thief can be like, watch this asshole security guard try to stop me from getting what I need.
	And you're like, you just totally rephrase stealing.
	Right.
	Okay.
	And why are you fucking filming this?
	Like, yes, things have definitely gotten really ridiculous out there.
	That's for sure, man.
	So outside of the baton, did you guys, was there Taser ever?
	Was there any smoke screens or smoke bombs or flares or baby flares or anything like that?
	Not smoke bombs.
	We used fart bombs.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	The little like fart ones.
	If the crowd was like too much, it wasn't a legal tactical move, old school move.
	But instead of like, you know, like, hey, everyone, clear out, we wouldn't say shit.
	Just throw one of those fart things on the ground or something.
	Oh, the stink bombs.
	They were called stinking bombs.
	We throw a stink bomb on the ground, cleared.
	Not a word, not a fucking word out of our mouth.
	And were those government-issued or whatever?
	No, those were out of the ice cream truck on the way to work.
	Oh, they sold them there?
	Oh, yeah.
	The ice cream truck?
	Oh, yeah.
	You're like, let me get a bubblegum ice cream and some stink bombs.
	Those are the good ice cream trucks.
	And they had the cap gun still, you know?
	Gang, yeah.
	I didn't know they had all of that.
	Yeah, we just got the sweets or whatever.
	I don't think ours had kind of a, you know, violence section or whatever, semi-violence.
	This security guard filmed all his farts for six months.
	You ever meet him?
	No, but damn, where is he at?
	That's a fucking, that's a goal.
	I'm going to go seven.
	He got fired for it.
	Paul Flart, he called himself.
	Why would he get fired?
	I don't know.
	You can't fart anymore.
	Are you kidding?
	Anything, man.
	He really did.
	Oh, yeah.
	By the way, this is that dad I'm talking about that works.
	I love this dude.
	And he just...
	His hair and his mustache.
	One cool thing about a ball is, though, honestly, it's got the perfect acoustics.
	It really does.
	For a fart to just rock the freaking Casbah in there.
	Especially if you have like that back alley of like behind the stores where you do all the deliveries.
	You can get some good echoes in there.
	Oh, yeah.
	It's a real farter's paradise back in there.
	So take me on a typical mall shift, man.
	You get there, you.
	Get there, clock in, clock in, usually take a shit or go smoke because we don't do that for free.
	You have to do that on the clock.
	You got to get paid.
	Did you have a strategy meeting or anything like that?
	Yeah, we used a little powwow.
	All right, guys, you know, we're going to have a good day today.
	Get out there and do your job.
	Our powwows for mall security wasn't that much.
	Really?
	Is there ever any intel that comes in that's like, hey, we got this to worry about?
	Or there's like a drug group passing through or anything?
	Yeah, sometimes we would get like a stack of papers on our thing and there'd be like pictures of like some random Asian dude stealing like cologne or some shit and you're like watch out for you know him and they're like okay and you know you never see him ever because he already done stole so there are those moments though where you get like a paper and you're like hey maul's most wanted or something and he walks by you and you're just like fuck yeah you know this is my moment right here really yeah and then like take me on one of those kind of so you like okay so sometimes they'll make a big deal out of it like hey there's this mall guy
	he's going around he's stealing a bunch of shit here's pictures of him okay um like the wet bandits or whatever hell yeah shout out wet bandits um but something like that you know i'm saying like a guy that's made a name for himself um props stealing from malls yeah we had one guy who was i bring up the clone thing because he was actually a cologne thief uh He would steal all the samples without the lids and shit.
	So he would get all these samples and just run off.
	But sample baby, huh?
	He was Asian?
	Yeah.
	Oh, God.
	He was, yeah.
	I actually bought some from him after the fact.
	Seen him on the stolen ones from him?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, they're only 15 bucks.
	I seen him on the trolley.
	I was like, hey, dude, were you the one stealing cologne?
	He's like, yeah.
	Which one do you want?
	And I was like, fuck, man.
	Let me get that CK1.
	Well, CK1 wasn't too bad, huh?
	No, it wasn't.
	Not at all.
	They had some good colognes back then.
	I remember they had aqua...
	Aqua de Gio, dude.
	I'm actually wearing the black Aqua de Gio right now.
	Really?
	Yes, sir.
	They came out with black?
	Yeah, it was a darker little bottle or something.
	Wow.
	I felt, I just was always so ashamed of myself as a child.
	I never felt like I deserved to smell good.
	No, you even wear cool water?
	No, cool water was for brothers or kids that were fucking, you know?
	I wasn't wearing that.
	What would I wear?
	I would sometimes get some old spice from my dad, and then I would also put like, what would I do?
	I would rub like, what was it that had kind of, oh, deodorant.
	I would just put deodorant on the outside of my arms or like right here or whatever.
	Cause my mom taught us, you know, we watched my mom do perfumes or whatever.
	Okay, so you're at work.
	You guys have had a strategy meeting.
	We got the paper.
	We see, we'll just use, we'll say Bobby Lee stole some fucking cologne.
	So we're like, all right, cool, Bobby Lee, he's the fucking guy.
	Perps.
	What do y'all call it?
	Is there a term y'all use?
	This fucking guy.
	Yes, man.
	This fucking guy, man.
	We're going to get him.
	No, we didn't like, a lot of us didn't try to use the whole cop terms and stuff like that because then you kind of look like the douchebag, you know?
	Right.
	So we just leave it to the guy who tucks his pants in his boots.
	Like, the perp is here.
	It's like, Bobby Lee is here.
	And that's all it is, you know?
	Yeah.
	So literally the one day that the perp walked by, I kind of was like, holy shit, this is him, you know?
	That's him.
	So I radioed it in, you know, did my whole gus to the headquarters and they're like, what's up?
	I'm like, yo, Bobby Lee's here.
	And they're like, no shit.
	I'm like, yeah, we'll watch you.
	Come here.
	So they started watching him on the camera.
	We started following him.
	And they're like, just let him steal first.
	And this was back in the day of like, we can touch you, grab you, throw you, you know?
	Yeah.
	So we followed him into like, I think it was Macy's.
	And he walked right into Macy's and he had no hesitation.
	He started grabbing clone and started putting it in his belt.
	You're watching him.
	Yeah.
	From how far away?
	Like were you guys strategically located somewhere?
	I actually took my shirt off because I just wore dickies.
	So I don't know if you guys know what dickies are.
	There's black pants.
	Totally, dude.
	Yeah.
	So I just wore dickies.
	I did.
	Mexican freaking wedding wear.
	Yeah.
	So as soon as I took that off his white shirt and dickies, looked like I was from San Diego, you know?
	So I was walking by.
	And he's doing his thing, man.
	So you're undercover pretty much.
	Yeah.
	I did a lot of undercover work at the mall.
	Take your shit off.
	You just look like an SA from MS. And he's like, get to go.
	And so I see him.
	He's stealing the shit.
	And I call back and I said, what are we doing?
	He goes, grab him.
	Fucking just grab him.
	We grab him.
	Who grabs him?
	You see him?
	I grab him.
	No, I grab him.
	Okay, well, take me in.
	You're making the move on.
	Did he see you coming?
	Did you come in from the back?
	He actually saw me walk by.
	He kind of gave me a nod.
	And I was like, because I gave him the look like, hey, man, steal that shit, bro.
	Right on, you know, like, keep going.
	I never was like, I would never give myself away.
	So I walked around and as soon as I said, grab him, I literally just walked up, grabbed him by the shoulder, said, hey, man, you're coming with me.
	You know, I gave him the whole like, you're coming with me because it was my first time actually just like apprehending somebody in the act.
	And how long have you been in Malkop at that point so you got to apprehend this guy?
	Probably about three years.
	Wow.
	So I was just waiting.
	It was my moment.
	Waiting to grab this guy.
	Fucking snatched him up.
	Hey, man, you're coming with me.
	That's what he said.
	I was like, hey, man, I was like, hey, man, you're coming with me.
	The whole, like, the whole just nine, you know, I was like, you're coming with me.
	Lifted up his shoulder.
	I was like, what do you think you're doing?
	And he's like, he just looked up and goes, oh, I'm sorry.
	You put him on the ground?
	Yeah, I tripped him on his leg.
	Cause we were backing up and he trying to lead forward.
	And any type of movement you do away from me, you're resisting.
	We're fucking going down.
	So as soon as I pulled him back and he went a little forward, I just snatched his leg.
	We went down.
	I think one of the bottles broke because it just started smelling like fucking cologne badly.
	Guilty.
	Yeah.
	It literally, I was like, oh shit.
	It's because when we were in the office writing him up and the cops were coming, he just smelled like whatever cologne broke on him.
	Everybody in there smelled, yeah.
	Yeah, but like aftershave or whatever.
	But it was literally one of my best moments as a mall cop just because I was like, I got him.
	I saw that, like, I saw the picture and within an hour, there he was.
	And I was like, my fucking golden goose, you're mine.
	You know what I mean?
	So it was good.
	I loved it.
	Now, do you then have to go prosecute?
	You have to do a citizen's arrest.
	You do a citizen's arrest.
	You do all that.
	So you guys take him where?
	So you guys take him into a back room.
	Do you have him wrapped up or tied up?
	No, we just put a zip tie on his hand.
	I had these big ass industrial zip ties.
	We usually used to leave them on this hook.
	We never used them.
	We only used them if we brought somebody into the office that needed one.
	So I was just like, hey, man, stick your hands out.
	And then he's like, he looked at me.
	He's like, oh, shit.
	I'm like, yeah.
	And I was like, are they too tight?
	And he goes, no.
	I'm like, oh.
	And I zipped them a little bit more because I didn't want him, you know, it's like, fuck him, you know?
	Oh, that's crazy when you're asking if they're too tight.
	It's obvious that, yeah.
	Like, this is.
	But he, you know, he's.
	It's like a little tighter.
	Won't you, you know, you know, he felt some shame that day.
	And I was like, I bet.
	The clone bandit was mine.
	We never saw him again, you know.
	And do you then turn him over to the police?
	What's that like?
	That's, that's the lame part.
	You got to call them.
	And it's like, they're not rushing to come handle this, you know?
	So nine times out of ten, you're sitting there with Bobby just shooting the shit for like two hours.
	You know, like, so, man, why do you steal?
	And then by the time you've already like counseled him, you want to let him go.
	I actually wanted to let him go, but it was already in, like, we were already in motion when I was like, bro, you fucked up, you know, like, I already had to fuck you up.
	And now the cops are coming.
	The first 10 minutes, it was like, they're coming to get you, man.
	You're so fucked.
	You know, 20 minutes in's like, are you thirsty, man?
	You know, so about, literally cops took about two hours to get there.
	And by the time they got there, they're like, all right, so what's going on?
	It's like, oh, this guy was stealing, blah.
	He's, he's the clone bandit.
	You know, we got he's like, Okay, so come with us, and then that was it.
	It was like there was no fireworks at the end of this show, you know.
	It was, it was pretty, that's why I said it's pretty lame when you call them to come take them away because it's like you want them to drag him out and beat the shit out of him, too, you know.
	Just give them a little extra.
	Fuck them, you know, fuck yeah, fuck them.
	Fuck yeah, dude.
	You gotta, somebody has to get beaten.
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	And then what about like, what did y'all's relationship with the cops like, you know?
	They didn't like us too much just because we were a waste of their time, you know, calling them for stupid shit, stealing and all that.
	Because if you catch somebody, like back then, if you caught somebody, you had to hold them.
	You know, it's different now.
	You don't even call the cops nowadays.
	I don't even know what the fuck they're doing now.
	But they had that entitlement because we are cops.
	Oh, they show up like your big dogs?
	Oh, yeah.
	Do they look at you?
	Yeah.
	What you guys' relationship like?
	Is it simpatico or no?
	It was just like those movies.
	What does empatico mean?
	Do you know?
	No, actually, I don't.
	Yeah, look it up real quick.
	Do you mind?
	Kind of threw me off on that one.
	Sorry.
	No, you're good.
	I thought it was Spanish.
	Likable and easy to get along with.
	Okay.
	No, we didn't definitely get along.
	It was like out of those movies, you know, when like the detectives are all sitting, like, so like the regular cops are there.
	So say we're the regular cops.
	We got it going on.
	It's our area.
	And then the FBI walks in.
	They're like, all right, guys, we're taking over.
	Go handle the perimeter type shit.
	And that was our relationship with them.
	There was always like, it wasn't too much like, oh man, thanks a lot, guys, for doing your job and, you know, defending our country at the mall and shit.
	It was just more like, fuck.
	And fuck what, man?
	Like, I was not doing anything.
	Now I'm doing something at the mall.
	Yeah.
	You know, it's like, and I actually had a cop tell me one time, this motherfucker, I forget his name.
	I had to give him a whole description of what was going on.
	And the problem was, is we didn't even have the guy.
	We had to just give a description of the guy who stole and the things he did to the car because he poured like some bleach on a car or some some dumb shit.
	So we're giving him all this description and he literally turns at me and goes, yeah, if I wanted to be a mall cop, I would have been a mall cop and walked away.
	I was like, fuck, man.
	And what was he having issue?
	You guys were having issues with communication?
	No, he just, the list of shit that I was giving him, it just got too long for him.
	He was like, okay, so yeah, I get it.
	I get it.
	So what was he wearing?
	And I was like, I told you that in the beginning, you know, I was like, you could have cut that conversation off when you found out he was 5'2.
	You know, it's like, but I. But some of it has got to be crazy.
	Like you got, you, you know, you have a Chinese guy or whatever pinned up against the wall for like, you know, getting a pair of loafers or whatever.
	And then the cop has to cut.
	He's like, what the fuck are we doing down here?
	Yeah.
	Trust me, we were not on their radar of crime.
	You know, I feel.
	So they wouldn't clue you guys in, like what was going on in the community and stuff?
	No, we didn't get no updates or nothing like that.
	Like, no, they were like, oh, there's, like, we would know if there was a rapist in the area or anything or anything.
	No, fuck.
	They didn't care about us.
	You know, and you would think they would tell you if there was a rapist somewhere because, I mean, first of all, one of the few places that everybody kind of goes sometimes is the mall, right?
	Pretty much.
	If you're a rapist, you still go to the mall.
	You have to.
	You have to buy clothes.
	Well, you got, I mean, you just, everybody goes, you know, so it's like, that's the kind of shit to me.
	It's like, you think you'd give those guys at least just information because they're just standing around all day.
	A lot of cops will use our parking lots for the hangout.
	You ever seen where like two cop cars like face each other?
	Yeah, that was our, like, and you can't go near them.
	You can't go, hey, Jim, what's going on?
	They're like, fuck away from us.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	It was weird.
	Like, they had this like whole bubble around them because they would always park in our parking lots.
	Yeah.
	Every mall I've ever worked at, there's always a pair of cops that will do the whole facing each other like, you know, shit.
	Yeah, huh?
	These two cops touching fronts or whatever.
	You just like, fuck yeah, guys.
	You know, but they didn't want us coming near them.
	We were never allowed to talk to them or anything.
	So we would just let them be in their little bubble.
	What type of overall crime goes down at the mall?
	Like, what type of crime are we talking about?
	A lot of stealing.
	Really?
	A lot of stealing, of course.
	And do you see people steal sometimes?
	Like, you'll see them.
	Can you tell after a while?
	Anybody could be a thief?
	Anybody can be a thief.
	Anybody, man, I've seen moms, you know, stick shit in like kids' backpacks, you know, on camera.
	I'm like, what the fuck is going on here?
	You know, anybody can be a thief.
	I've seen a group of sweet old Mexican ladies, you know, like, oh, and they're like, they're inviting you over for dinner and shit and this and that and the other.
	And you turn around, they're stealing the fucking car.
	You're like, whoa, you know, like, like, anybody can steal from the mall.
	Like vandalism, that's not, that's not really like a everyday crime.
	It's more of a crime when someone like gets thrown out of a store and you want to like break their door, kick their windows in and shit, thinking you did something to a corporate company who's got millions of dollars.
	Like, oh, I broke your $100 window.
	It's like, all right, cool.
	We're just going to replace that.
	You know, those are the crimes that we get at the mall sometimes.
	Fights.
	Fights are good.
	Really?
	Yeah, mall fights are good.
	Do people go to the mall to fight?
	You mean meeting at the mall to fight?
	Or you're saying just things happen at the mall and a fight happens?
	Like gang versus gang, you know, two different.
	Oh, yeah.
	Where at?
	Where was this at?
	Down in San Diego.
	In San Diego.
	Oh, yeah.
	Back in the day, like malls were always like where everyone just conjured up, you know, all the gangs, all the crews, everyone, like after school or the ditch parties would go there.
	And some groups just didn't get along, you know?
	And next thing you know, you got this big fun riot brawl in the middle.
	And back then, you were allowed to get in it and fight with them and throw them down and stuff.
	And those were fun.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, here's a mall.
	These are kids.
	Yeah, there's a lot of kids off of school.
	These kids nowadays, man, they're ruthless.
	They're sick.
	I was working a high-end department store, and this kid literally walked right up to me.
	He goes, do you work for the store or the mall?
	And I was like, why?
	And I could already tell he's about to steal all these Gucci belts.
	I'm like, why?
	He goes, because if you work for the store, you can't touch me.
	And if you work for the mall, you can't chase me.
	And I was like, fuck, bro.
	Like, it's all you then, you know?
	Fucker stole belts right in front of me.
	I was like, get out of here, man.
	Like, because you can't do anything.
	Does he can't piss you off?
	A little bit.
	Just.
	It feels disrespectful.
	Yeah.
	Like, right in your face.
	And you're like, that's trash.
	It's like, fuck you, you little fucker.
	It's trash.
	Just because you can't afford the belt, you know?
	You don't come here and steal it.
	And also, then if you're stealing something that's just a good and it's not like an, it's, it's a want, right?
	It's not a need or something or a snack or something like that.
	Milk, bread, or something, oysters like that, then you're not, you're, it's your own choice at that point, you know?
	Pretty much.
	It's not you like needing to survive, you know?
	You don't need a Gucci belt to fucking pay your, you know?
	Yeah, you can't eat a Gucci belt, man.
	Who's at the mall anymore and how has that changed over time?
	Oh, man.
	So from the early 2000s till now, it's definitely a huge change.
	Everyone back then went to the mall, no matter what.
	Oh, yeah.
	I mean, you had the grandma, like in the morning, in the beginning in the morning, if you find the right mall, like I worked at a mall in Minnesota and that mall had like little mile markers through it.
	And you get the whole old person group coming out and do their power walking and shit.
	Oh, yeah.
	I love that.
	And so those are the days where you would see that transition about 9, 10 a.m.
	where all the old people leave.
	And then you get the adults coming in, you know, like get the sales and shit.
	And then once noon hit, if it's a weekend, then the kids start piling in.
	It's fucking, you know, the mall was functional back then.
	It was like people watching was fun fucking back then, you know, like it was fun to watch.
	Now, I feel like nobody cool goes to the mall.
	And it's not like, I'm not saying it like that.
	It's just like, you go to the mall now for like direct service.
	You're like, all right, I'm going to here to get this and I'm leaving.
	A lot of people don't hang out at the mall no more.
	It's not like, let's go to fucking Cinnabon and grab some Wetzel's pretzels.
	You know, shout out to Wetzel's pretzels, by the way.
	By the way, if you notice, Wetzel's pretzels, you can only find in a mall, I swear.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Think about it.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	That's cool.
	Wow.
	Mall food.
	Yeah, mall food is definitely something.
	Yeah, dude, the mall was such a place.
	I mean, we would sleep overnight outside of there.
	Hell yeah.
	We would, yeah, your friends, you'd go.
	I remember during summer camp, one of our field trips would be to the mall.
	We'd all go to the mall.
	People would wish in the fountains that were at the mall, you know?
	They'd have, yeah, what else would we do there?
	Yeah, just going to see the different stores, walking down the mall.
	You stop at that candy store that had all the different candies.
	You'd go in the bed bath and beyond or the candle store and do that.
	The Disney store.
	The Disney store.
	The Disney store, dog.
	The fucking Disney store.
	That shit was fucking clutch.
	Mexicans love that store too, eh?
	Fuck yeah.
	Why, bro?
	Why, though, really?
	I liked it, bro.
	It's not racist if it's true, and I stick by this.
	If you can't afford to go to Disneyland, then the Disney store was the next best thing.
	They had little fucking things.
	I love the Disney store, man.
	The Disney store was so good, bro.
	The original Disney stores.
	They still have them, but the OG Disney stores, when they were like, hi, welcome in.
	And Tinkerbell would come flying by.
	And you're like, fuck it, I'm here.
	Dude, it was that.
	You're right, bro.
	There was nothing like the Disney store.
	We used to get, they used to have like the shirts with the characters coming out of the pocket kind of thing.
	Goofy would hang off.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	That was a big thing, man.
	I'd remember I'd get my siblings Christmas gifts and stuff from there a lot of times, nightgowns or something.
	You could get your sister like something she wanted, you know.
	Oh, dude, yeah.
	Yeah.
	Hey, one time.
	Hey, no bullshit.
	One time, me and my friend Young Dave.
	Shout out, Young Dave.
	Love you.
	YKD, Young King Dave, not that guy that died from smoking weed, huh?
	No, no, no, man.
	You know what I'm talking about?
	Yeah, I heard about that.
	Young King Dave, bring him up.
	Pull up Young King Dave, bro.
	R.I.P.
	dude.
	Smoking big doinks.
	He died from smoking weed, huh?
	Yeah, yeah.
	He was like smoking one.
	He smoked a joint backwards or something, and he had asbestos or whatever, and it killed him.
	What?
	Dave James, Young King Dave Nixon, passed away at 19. Where was he always smoking out?
	This is years ago.
	His manager, Chris Clemenza.
	I used to message with him for a while, but I was a big fan of him.
	Oh, wow.
	Smoking big doinks out in where did he say?
	Play the audio?
	Out here in Amish, smoking big doinks in Amish.
	Fuck yeah.
	Big old doinks.
	He'd be smoking big doinks out there in Amish, dude, and he'd get um and he died.
	Damn.
	He had a he smoked.
	He just smoked all the time, I think.
	And I want to say he died.
	I want to get this right.
	What did he die of?
	Do you know?
	Play that one more.
	Play one more where he's smoking a joint.
	We used to have guys like that work security with us.
	Really?
	Oh, yeah.
	They were the best.
	They always bring the weed.
	It's fucking nice out.
	Who's trying to chill?
	Smoke some loud, feel me?
	Fuck yeah.
	I got loud.
	Hit my lung.
	Either DM me or hit my line, bro.
	I got loud.
	I'm trying to smoke.
	Just smoke it then.
	You know, but yeah, that was a beautiful time.
	Oh, a collapsed lung is what got him.
	God.
	Jesus.
	Complications from a collapsed lung.
	He did have loud, dude.
	He blew his fucking.
	Yeah, but that also comes from all those vapes that kids smoke nowadays.
	And adults smoke them too, like me and other people.
	You smoke a vape?
	Let's not say that.
	But yeah, I do.
	I've been on and off it.
	You know, you try your best.
	But yeah, shout out YKD, bro.
	I just, yeah, he was like one of the first dudes to kind of go viral.
	And he was always smoking big noinks out there.
	And that's what killed him.
	He would literally drive all over just meeting people to smoke weed and shit.
	What a great guy.
	He got too big to get in his car or whatever.
	He was always eating.
	There he is at a mall.
	Hell yeah.
	What's he saying?
	Hey yo, KG, where the bitches at bro?
	He almost died right there.
	They got Nathan's in a mall?
	That's a great fucking mall.
	So yeah, just seeing something like that is great, man.
	But go back to the Disney story.
	Yeah, let's go back.
	Oh, dude, yeah.
	Start from the beginning of that, man.
	Oh.
	Dude, when you walk in.
	Yes.
	And it had that smell.
	It had that good Disney smell.
	Well, it was very organized.
	Things were kind of pricey in there a little bit.
	So it had like some esteem.
	You could get something small like a keychain, but you could get something like ice skates or something, you know.
	Oh, yeah, a princess dress the whole nine.
	All that shit.
	If you had a child or a little daughter or somebody, you could take them in there.
	That was a pretty high-end store, I felt like, for the mall as far as children's paraphernalia went.
	Hey, that, I'll never forget that bundle of plush.
	There was always like a big area of like all the stuffed animals and shit.
	Oh, man, I used to just kind of give it a hug, you know?
	Yeah.
	They had that nice stuffed.
	Now, Disney showed up with a quality stuffed animal.
	I think Applause was the company that made a lot of their stuff.
	The parent company or whatever that made the stuffed animals.
	But yeah, dude, when the Disney store came, we got kicked, me and my friend got kicked out of a Disney store inside.
	I don't know.
	If you remember the little theater that was inside for kids to kind of like crawl in and there was like, they would show old Disney movies.
	Inside there?
	Yeah.
	Oh, it's for children.
	I didn't go in there.
	Yeah, well, I slid in there one time to roll a blunt real quick and hurried up, got that done.
	But then I got stuck watching the fucking cartoons and the later was like, hey, keep it moving, guys.
	Yeah, dude.
	Sorry, we're just like Mickey Mouse, man.
	Mall type shit, homie.
	That's what it is, dude.
	Yeah, what other stores?
	Now, what about Build-A-Bear?
	Were you there when that came out?
	Yeah.
	And what kind of clientele would you see over there, brother?
	Mostly the white folk.
	Was it really?
	Yeah.
	Build-a-bear is a white thing?
	Yeah, yeah.
	I would say so a little bit.
	You know, it's an experience.
	It's fun.
	You know what I mean?
	Here's a store for you.
	Sharper Image.
	That was the fucking jam right there.
	Sharper Image was like by far.
	I think Sharper Image was the reason I got a mall job, actually.
	No, no shit.
	Oh, yeah, it was where the future, it's where Elon Musk was born.
	Yeah, bro.
	Sharper Image was.
	Wasn't he born in a Sharper Image?
	This was our Elon Musk.
	Yes, right.
	Sharper fucking image, dude.
	You would find a hair dryer that could sort coins and massage your feet.
	Yeah, and massage your feet, tell you your blood type, and tell you if your mom was being a B-I-T-C-H or not.
	And then they would have like a remote control car that you could never have fucking afford.
	Always.
	Yeah.
	And it was like, it was like the best one.
	I don't even know what that is, but I wanted it.
	Oh, they had every, dude, because everything in there, it was like all, none of it made any, like it was a ridiculous.
	They had like a wallet that could grate cheese.
	They had like, what?
	You know, they had like those things you'd put your women right there.
	What is that?
	Little foot spa.
	Foot spa, at home foot spa.
	Those things that everybody bought and never used.
	Never, never, ever.
	But sharper image was it, dude.
	They'd have like weird little like, what is this?
	Premium innovative defrosting tray.
	You could just set your meat out on a tray and it would defrost.
	That's called a counter.
	But they sold that bitch fucking 100 bucks.
	For real.
	Sharper Image Premium Innovative Defrosting Tray, dude.
	What else did they have?
	Sharper Image Warming Foot Massage.
	Fucking my mom had those right there.
	Really?
	Did she use them?
	Yeah, they smelled after a while.
	Oh, yeah, definitely, dude.
	They fucking rank.
	Ugh.
	Yeah, but Sharper.
	Oh, oh, that was it, too.
	The hanger dryer or whatever it was, there was a hanger for your clothes that would blow out air and shit.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, a lot of it was ridiculous shit.
	This right here is a Sharper Image Closet Ionic Air Purifier.
	That's what I need.
	So between two of your shirts, you can put an air purifier?
	That is the dumbest thing I've ever seen.
	Sharper Image seems like, I have this invention.
	Yeah, it's not going to work out, but we have this store for you.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Everything there.
	Now, the chairs were the big thing, though.
	You'd go in.
	That's the reason you went.
	And you'd look at the lady and she would give you a look as to whether or not it was just a, it wasn't a yes or no.
	It was just, you could tell if you were allowed to go eat in that chair or not.
	Yeah.
	You could tell.
	It was either they were going to help you out or they just gave you the look.
	Yeah.
	You know?
	We're your parents.
	Yeah, they'd say something like that.
	Kind of passive-aggressive, but direct.
	Yeah.
	Who are you here with?
	Myself and this chair.
	What stores do different ethnicities frequent at the mall?
	Where do Mijente go?
	Where do Mejicanos go?
	Seize Candy.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Porque.
	Free candy.
	Free samples.
	Oh, wow.
	You walk in, they give you a fucking treat.
	Hi, welcome to Seas.
	Butterscotch.
	You're like, fuck yeah.
	Seize candy was the lick, man.
	Seize candy had everyone there.
	Yeah.
	Seize candy, huh?
	Hey, seize.
	You got to understand, though, seize candy was just a reason for us to go get free candy.
	And Mexicans love sugar, yeah?
	Fuck yeah.
	Wow.
	Good gifts, too.
	I used to live down in Mexico.
	I used to get boxes of candy all the time.
	I'm like, wait, are you saying something?
	No, no, no.
	It's good.
	I'm like, fuck it.
	Let's do that.
	Yeah, the peanut brittle there is pretty nice.
	I will say that.
	They made a beautiful brittle for a while.
	I don't even know if C's candy is still open or not.
	Oh, yeah, they are.
	They are.
	Oh, yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	Giving out them free samples daily.
	Where else do the Mexicanos go?
	Ooh.
	Back then, let's see.
	I forget the name of the store.
	Oh, remember KB Toy Store?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	They didn't go to Toys R Us.
	They went to KB Toy Store because it was cheaper.
	Mmm, respect.
	Yeah.
	Man, I went there.
	I love KB Toys.
	Yeah, I remember seeing it.
	I don't know where we would, I think we need a lot of times to get our toys over at Walmart, I think.
	But what about the brothers and sisters?
	Where do they pull up at?
	Oh, shit.
	Bed Bath and Beyond.
	No.
	Lotions.
	Oh, fuck.
	Smell goods.
	Smell goods and lotions.
	Lotions for Shotions, bro.
	Yes, sir.
	Damn.
	Yep.
	You could fuck.
	Oh, yeah.
	There was tons of lotion.
	God, they had all kinds in there, too.
	All kinds.
	Dude, remember when, okay, so Black People went to Bed Bath and Beyond.
	Do you remember at Bed Bath and Beyond, bro, when they came, there was, was it Bed Bath and Beyond?
	I think it was.
	Maybe it was at Sephora.
	They had these lotions that started to smell like cookies and shit, dude.
	Oh, yeah.
	And they'd never had it before, and people were going crazy.
	I actually, you know what's funny is I remember that year, the summer, girls were walking by smelling like candy and shit.
	Like, yeah.
	What is this?
	This is nice.
	You know, I think it was Bed Bath and Beyond.
	There you go.
	Christmas cookies, man.
	Body lotion.
	God, that was good.
	Shit was nice.
	Shit was nice, bro.
	It was like the new cocoa butter.
	Yeah.
	That was Bath and Body Works.
	Bath and Body Works.
	Ah, Bath and Body Works.
	Yeah, Bath and Body Works.
	That's what it was.
	That's what it was.
	What about the Indians, Bangladeshi, Muslims, all that?
	Where they pull up at any high-end stores.
	Really?
	Yeah, they were the high-end people.
	The dads always walking with their hands behind their backs, moms with their purses out, kids spending all their money.
	Oh, yeah, 100%.
	That's Asian.
	Yep.
	What was up at Hot Topic, dude?
	Ooh, Hot Topic, man.
	Who hung out there?
	That was a different corner.
	So my hot topic era was the real emos, the real little grungy ass kids that came in there and shit.
	You know, it's all like Sailor Moon now, but back then it was.
	Yeah, man.
	Like they would come in and make black makeup all over their face and shit.
	The beautiful baby.
	Oh, the beautiful baby.
	Maryland man.
	The real Maryland Madison kids.
	You know what I mean?
	The people that would eat their parents if you gave them a half hour.
	Fuck yeah.
	And if they didn't buy you something from Hot Topic, it was real MFers.
	Hot Topic was it, right?
	Yeah, man.
	I loved Hot Topic.
	And what's funny is I grew up very urban, very like hip-hop and all that shit.
	But Hot Topic was definitely a vice of mine.
	Yeah, it was, man.
	It really was.
	It was like when you went in there, you're like, what's going on?
	Am I old enough to be in here?
	Is this something just my older brother and sister can go to?
	That was crazy.
	And they also had music in there.
	Yeah.
	They had CDs.
	This was back when they had CDs and shit.
	And so that was different because people would be there.
	If you're there picking out music, then your brain's in like a music space.
	So you might get a shirt that goes with a bang, you know.
	Yeah, because you're like, there was a bunch of like ICP albums there.
	Yeah.
	That's who we used to hang out with at Hot Topic, like the Juggalos of San Diego.
	Yeah, I used to love it.
	Hot Topic was like that, man.
	Hell yeah.
	Any other store really?
	What about structure?
	Remember that store?
	No.
	Oh.
	Look at you.
	Blasting the pad.
	Wow.
	Miller's Outpost even.
	Dude, Miller's Outpost was like about Arizona and shit.
	Miller's Outpost turned into what?
	Anchor Blue or something like that?
	Really?
	Yeah.
	I didn't know.
	Anchor Blue was like the first time you could buy like baggy pants and shit, you know, because I was like, fuck yeah.
	But Miller's Outpost was definitely one of the stores that all the trendy kids went to.
	Like everyone popular went to Miller's Outpost, got Gencos and shit like that.
	Yeah, dude.
	Fucking Levi's.
	They had the suede vans there.
	Yeah.
	Dude, I'd never seen a Miller's Outpost until I lived in Arizona for a little bit.
	And that's when it was a little bit different.
	What do you guys see on the cameras?
	And did you guys ever catch anybody having sex or anything like that?
	Man, so I actually have a good story about that.
	We've seen a lot on camera.
	I've seen people getting had.
	I've seen it all.
	Oh, yeah.
	That's one vote for Trump right there.
	Hell yeah.
	But we had a direct incident with one of our guards.
	Okay.
	and what rank was he?
	He was a no-striper.
	No stripe.
	He was a no-stripe.
	He was a baggy pant, Dicky-wearing guy like me.
	Good guy, though.
	But he was messing around with the girl from Cinnabon.
	He was.
	Yeah.
	Was she cute?
	Eh, she was all right.
	She was a Cinnaboner.
	So one day I'm watching the cameras, and on the cameras, I noticed she's going to the car.
	And I'm like, that's not our guy.
	I think it's the movie theater guy, you know?
	Wait, what are you talking about?
	I'm confused.
	Okay, so the girl from Cinnabon, we were watching her go from Cinnabon to the parking lot to her car.
	Okay.
	But she was walking with a guy.
	Oh, she's walking with a guy to her car.
	I think he was the employee, one of the employees from the movie theater.
	She goes in there.
	We could clearly tell they're doing some shit.
	He leaves.
	Within five minutes, somebody else comes walking up.
	It's our guard.
	He gets in the car.
	No.
	They start doing their thing.
	Was it a Honda Accord?
	It was Nissan Ultima.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Ultima.
	For sure.
	So they do their thing.
	And we're just like, me and my other guy are like, no fucking way this is happening.
	Like, she's on her break.
	You know, she's doing all this on her break.
	Oh, so she's on her break.
	She met up with movie dude.
	They're hanging in the car.
	He leaves.
	Five minutes later, y'all's boy shows up.
	The other guard shows up.
	Does his thing.
	Somebody from your rank.
	So we call, he gets in there and I was like, hey, man, I got to show you something.
	And I was like, hey, you know, we saw you go.
	And he's like, yeah, but I know you're not going to say nothing, right?
	You know, I'm like, yeah, but rewind.
	He's like, what the fuck?
	So we start, you know, talking shit to him and all this stuff.
	But I go up to the Cinnabon girl and I was like, hey, I watched everything that happened.
	She was like, please don't say nothing.
	I'm like, Cinnabon for life.
	So I got free Cinnabon for life.
	But yeah, my boy and the movie guy taxed the same girl in the fucking in a half hour period.
	Saw that on camera.
	And do you think it was full sex or you think it was oral?
	It had to be full sex, the second guy.
	No way.
	Why?
	He came out adjusting his pants and she came out like adjusting her shit.
	The first one, she was going to like, you know, wiping it up.
	Oh, yeah.
	She probably just needed free passes or something, you know?
	Oh, yeah.
	You know, that's probably when what's that movie that killed Paul Walker?
	Fast and Furious?
	That's probably when Fast and Furious 3 came out.
	Have you...
	What else would you guys...
	Do you guys ever...
	I thought it was an accident.
	This just shows how they can follow people with the mall cameras.
	You can do this too.
	We used to do it all the time.
	The security guard watches two men and a woman on store security cameras load items into a cart like this wallet that she's convinced are about to be stolen.
	They've got a cart full in their, in a U-Haul truck.
	Damn, a whole U-Haul?
	In a U-Haul.
	In a parking lot.
	She watches as they casually go through this store, even taking time to sample some cologne, but accumulate more and more items in their cart.
	They're about to go.
	Sorry, they keep coming.
	They're about to exit.
	They're like slotting their exit.
	As the security guard waits for police to arrive, she's still on the phone with 911 when the woman pushes the cart full of stolen items out the front door.
	Yes, they're going to go right now.
	I got to go make the apprehension.
	She's the one in purple chasing the woman with the cart.
	See, that's so you can run out and yell lost prevention, though.
	Yeah.
	Do you guys do that?
	I've done it a couple times.
	Yeah, what do you do?
	What's that like?
	What's it like now you see somebody stealing?
	Take me through it.
	Nowadays, today, someone's stealing, you pretty much just grab the description of them, all that.
	Can you call them a pussy or anything like that?
	You can, but you just like be wary of the cameras around you, you know, because everyone's got a cell phone nowadays.
	And it's like, you could literally lose your job over saying that.
	It's like fucking bullshit, you know, because I do want to yell out that shit.
	Yeah, the guy's a thief, or the woman is.
	Yeah.
	Definitely have had my moments of, hey, please stop.
	Don't do this.
	You're going to fuck up.
	I literally have your license plate and they'll just turn around like, fuck you.
	And it's like, okay, man.
	Like, you just have to follow them out, you know, and you're just kind of escorting the thievery.
	You know, nowadays you're just escorting them.
	Now kids are coming in like 20 at a time, filling up trash bags.
	And you can't stop that.
	Nowadays, man, you just have to really escort them out, you know?
	So now thieves almost get security guards.
	Yeah.
	To make sure nobody touches them on their way out.
	Right.
	To make sure nothing else.
	So I don't want anybody else getting involved here.
	You're almost trying to keep other people safe that are there, that sort of thing.
	Yeah.
	Like I'm trying to steal professionally here, man.
	Back everyone up.
	I'm trying to have a clear path to my car.
	And it's like you give them that, you know?
	Even one time Louis Vuitton had me work.
	I was working at the Louis Vuitton store in the mall.
	Oh, hell yeah.
	And we had a protest.
	Protest came and they started.
	What?
	Fur.
	Like something about fur, like, because Louis Vuitton kills animals or some shit, blah, blah, blah, all that horse shit.
	But then they're all wearing leather Nikes and I'm like, you guys are fucking up, you know?
	But the.
	This is it.
	Oh, this could have been in a different mall.
	Yeah, they're from like Afa or some shit like that.
	They do this like weird ass Instagram post for everyone to meet up and then they'll come They do that.
	They come in with the fucking bullhorns and shit, right?
	And they say stop with the fur.
	Yeah, fur kills or something like that.
	But I didn't let him in my door and this fucking put her megaphone right here.
	And I literally, like, you have cameras and everything.
	And I'm, and I'm just burying like all my hate for everything I've ever had in my life.
	She just has a sound going right in your face.
	Yeah.
	And then she'll turn it around and then she'll let the siren out because we had a rope.
	It's like, well, we're going to let you go so far.
	It's like, I don't cross this rope.
	You don't cross this rope.
	But She had the fucking bullhorn right here.
	And it's like, I don't condone hitting women at all, but I want to shove this bullhorn down your fucking throat right now.
	Yeah.
	You know, and there was a point in time where one of the guards came and he saw me shaking.
	He goes, are you going to hit her?
	I'm like, since you said it, no.
	You know, but if you wouldn't have said it in the next minute, something might have fucking happened.
	You know, and those are things you can't do.
	20 years ago, I'd have snatched that bullhorn, threw it across the fucking mall.
	Oh, yeah, for sure.
	100%.
	But it's stuff like that nowadays.
	It's like protesters, they get away, they're throwing fur and fake blood at you.
	And you're just like, what are you supposed to do?
	And how much do you guys get paid an hour?
	20 bucks an hour.
	Fuck, come on, man.
	Yeah.
	It ain't nothing, man.
	If you get hit by blood and fur and shit, it's like, what?
	We're ready.
	We're ready.
	We're ready for war.
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	Ever catch anybody having sex in any of the dressing rooms?
	Oh, yeah.
	Hell yeah.
	Hell yeah, dude.
	I did it too one time.
	Did you?
	Yeah, New Orleans.
	Okay, I was going to say, it wasn't that, you know, this one place because you do look familiar.
	No, we've caught two people on camera going in, and you can clearly tell they didn't go in with anything.
	And the girl was like, you know, giving the gist, I'm going to fucking suck your dick.
	And then I was like, she's doing blowing in there?
	She's doing all probably blowing and blowing.
	Can you hear it?
	Can you see?
	Is there a camera you can see in there?
	No, not at all.
	Not at all.
	You could clearly see him walk in and she was like, yeah, I'm going to suck your dick.
	And I was like, oh, she's going to suck his dick.
	And we creep up.
	You know, we don't make it.
	No, we creep up.
	We listen, get our little perv on for a second, and then fucking beat on the doors really hard.
	And then, you know, it's just, oh, you know, something, you know, like, deuce, you know, like, you know, but definitely I've caught many people in the act, many people, all races, all genders.
	Caught two gay dudes one time.
	That was an experience for me.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Like, what did you see any action?
	Sword fighting?
	No.
	You saw two wieners at once in your own line of vision?
	Yeah.
	It was at Horton Plaza.
	Horton Plaza is down in San Diego.
	It's not there anymore.
	No, that's the Horton Plaza.
	Yeah.
	So it was inside the theater and theater called and said, hey, there's something going on.
	We need males to come into the bathroom and handle this.
	So I get in the bathroom and I hear giggling and I almost feel they wanted to get caught.
	Yeah.
	Because when I opened the door, it was almost like they were paused and then like, oh, sorry.
	And I'm like, uh, can please stop.
	And what, they had their wieners out?
	Yeah, both of them.
	Oh, wow.
	Unfortunately, one was hard and one was not.
	Oh, wow.
	That was really looked.
	Yeah, I had to.
	Like, it was, I mean, you didn't have to.
	I mean, at a certain point, I think if you see the rest of somebody's body is naked, you know the wiener is right there in the middle.
	You know, when you walk in and something and it's like, oh, oh, oh.
	Yeah.
	It was a, you know, that three-step part of like, hey, guys, dicks.
	Okay.
	Get the fuck out of my bathroom now, you know, but I feel they wanted to get caught 100%.
	Well, there is something weird.
	If you see somebody naked, immediately you need to know if they have a, like you, you like, you can't even help, but there's something inside of you, I guess, maybe.
	I don't know.
	I don't know.
	Probably like competition.
	Is it bigger than mine?
	You know, like.
	You think, no, I think you just don't.
	I don't know.
	I remember I was in, uh, We were in New Orleans.
	My girlfriend, we went into Victoria's secrets, right?
	We went up in there and yeah, we both snuck in there and then just started having a little bit of SEX, boy.
	And we were young, and so it was, you know, it was so, you know, and I like it.
	It was fun when you're young, it's fun to just do a little bit of fucking or whatever.
	And it's, yeah, it was like, yeah, sober sex is for children.
	I've always said that.
	And anyway, it was just, that was awesome.
	I miss her a lot sometimes.
	And, you know, what else?
	But was there other sexual instances you guys would say?
	Oh, yeah.
	A lot in the parking lot.
	A lot of go in the parking lot.
	A lot of employees after work in the parking lot.
	What?
	Doing sex in cars?
	Oh, yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	We caught somebody behind the trash can of the dumpsters one time.
	Like, they coordinated to go take out trash together because the guy told me he goes, yeah, I told her to take out trash at like 8.30 and we met.
	Yeah, it's Romeo and Juliet.
	Fuck yeah.
	And the gross thing is like it was the food court trash can.
	So it smelled like food.
	And I was like, you couldn't use the one that uses plastic and cardboard?
	Oh yeah, it's Recyclio and Juliet, dude.
	God.
	Oh, yeah.
	I like that kind of dumpsters, though.
	Oh, yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	It's hard for me to stay erect if there's broken glass around or like a bad trash smell is rough, you know?
	The smell of other peed kind of throws it off, too.
	Oh, dude, I remember, so Wiggers kind of remember them.
	Oh, yeah, I was one.
	Yeah.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah, yeah.
	Right on, dude.
	Yeah.
	I had a black stepdad.
	I have a black stepdad, so grew up in that, you know.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And everyone's like, you're a wigger.
	I'm like, how?
	There's a real one at my house.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Well, but they started at the mall, I think.
	Oh, yeah, 100%.
	Yeah, like back in the day, I feel like if you needed a wigger or you needed a ginger, you went to Foot Locker or Lids.
	I feel like that's where they kind of, that was like their junior college.
	I've been called that my whole life right now.
	I love Lids.
	Oh, bro.
	Lids is a definite place for you to roll up and see what was kind of wiggering around the area.
	Oh, yeah.
	Malibu's Most Wanted was always walking through Lids.
	It was great.
	And those were the ones.
	Yeah, that's where God kept most of the wiggers, I feel like, was Foot Locker and Lids, dude.
	Yep.
	Oh, 100%.
	100%.
	And JCPenney's.
	They hid out in JCPenney's.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Because that's where all like some urban clothes were at, you know?
	Yeah.
	So they would get them on sale.
	They knew where the sales were.
	What happened as malls started to decline, man?
	Did you notice any of that in your time?
	Yeah.
	You could definitely tell like over one summer, about 10 years, 15 years ago, it was just like not packed anymore.
	It wasn't fun anymore.
	They still had the big movie blockbusters coming out, but people weren't lining up to see Spider-Man no more.
	Once you see the theater die out, I think that's when the mall is done.
	Once the theater starts going and you can't draw anybody in there, because that's theater has always been like the hub of why you go to the mall sometimes.
	What are you going there for?
	I'm going to the movies.
	But as soon as that decline started, it just you can see like, and it's sad when you see like empty stores in the mall, you know, like, oh man, I used to go there.
	And it's like, well, it's not there anymore.
	It's like, put something in there.
	And they'll put like a phone store in there.
	Or they just, now Apple's like 20 stores deep.
	And you're like, who cares?
	You know?
	Yeah.
	Or it'll be like Kumal's magic shop or something.
	It's like, fuck it, fuck, homie.
	I'm not going.
	Yeah, if someone's dropping you off at the mall to learn magic, dude, you are being sex traffic, dude.
	Yeah, you're being set up for something.
	I mean, that's easy, right, guys?
	Yep.
	But what about during the holidays?
	Did malls always stay busy at the holidays, guys?
	Yeah, they did.
	They did, for sure.
	Because once, like, like you said, once the decline happened, stores started doing more sales during the holidays, trying to get the attention out.
	And those were the times it's like the holidays for the mall was great because it's like traffic.
	People were out, having good times and stuff.
	Like, you know, mingling.
	Yeah, it's fun.
	And that's the best.
	And that's the best thing about the mall.
	They're blasting that music, man, 24-7.
	It's like, ah, yeah, it feels so good.
	And with the holiday mall thing, it's, I wanted to go back to that.
	Like, get rid of Cyber Monday and put it all back in the mall.
	Put the holiday sales back in the mall.
	Let us fight.
	Let us terrorize doors that, you know, like, I missed the real Black Fridays.
	Yeah.
	The real Black Fridays are gone.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	The true Black Fridays of sitting out all night and you open that door and two Black Fridays, I got into a fight.
	Okay.
	Yeah.
	So Black Friday was crazy for you guys.
	Oh, yeah.
	Black Friday.
	How would you prepare for that?
	Would you guys like, did you, yeah, like, would you guys have to do any special training before Black Fridays or did you guys get up early that day?
	What was that like?
	To be honest, a lot of us would do actual stretches like for Black Friday because we knew we had an 18-hour day.
	Some of us who were smart enough ate right, ate correctly, stretched out a little bit because we knew we were going to fight, especially if you were, if there was a target at a mall, like if there's a target set in the mall, that target was the worst place for Black Friday.
	Everyone was lined up.
	They're rushing through.
	They're punching you.
	They don't give a shit about nothing.
	But the OG Black Fridays, man, I miss those.
	Those were the fighting days over like something.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	And those were like, and those were the first remnants of you can't touch anybody.
	You know, the OG Black Fridays were kind of like the start of don't touch anybody.
	Just let them fight over that fucking blender that's only two bucks.
	Right.
	You know, and you let them go at it.
	Well, it used to be you could buy like a coffee make, they'd have like a coffee maker that can tell if your cousin's gay or not.
	You know, and he'd be like, well, who cares?
	But yeah, we got to get that.
	And they would fight over it.
	Yeah.
	Or they'd have like a water purifier that can tell, that can guess your like weight or whatever.
	It's just like shit that's like.
	One lady, one lady, one Black Friday got beat up outside because at the time, I don't think they understood the system of layaway.
	So like the actual store didn't understand what they got themselves into.
	So this lady goes up and everyone's in fucking line for the electronics.
	Everyone's fought already now.
	I've lined everyone up, calmed everyone down because the electronic department in the store wasn't open yet.
	They were waiting two hours to put everything on sale.
	This lady goes and asks, How many PlayStation or how many PS4s do you have?
	And they're like, Oh, we have 100.
	I remember hearing like, We have 120.
	She goes, I want to put layaway on all 120 because it was only like five bucks a layaway.
	So she's like, How many cameras do you have?
	Okay.
	And so she spent like, I don't know, like two grand on layaway and bought out damn near everything that people were waiting in line for.
	So by the time like even the second person, like, so I can't get a PlayStation.
	They're like, no, as soon as they put it on layaway, they have to take that exact item and put it in the back.
	So it wasn't like they can reorder anything.
	That was like, whatever was out was out on sale.
	So this fucking lady put all this shit on layaway.
	She gets out and people down the line went and met her outside and asked her like, hey, are you going to sell this stuff?
	Like, is there any way we can get into it?
	And she's like, no.
	And started walking away.
	And they beat the shit out of her.
	And I shut the door and walked away.
	That's greed.
	Yeah, I was like, you deserve that one.
	Because she was one that – You can't go on Christmas.
	You're telling me you are, you, how old was a woman?
	Oh, she was in her 40s.
	Good.
	You're telling me, Miss 40s, you're going to use 120 PlayStations.
	You're getting beat up.
	You're getting fucking beat up.
	You're getting beat up.
	And that's the kind of shit we need.
	Vigilanteism.
	Here's a video right here.
	Black Friday Stampede.
	Oh, payments.
	We've got Victoria's Secrets.
	And this is whites hunting panties right here, boy.
	There we go.
	So, A lot of fucking thong.
	Hell yeah.
	God, that thong in there.
	Bro, remember when the thong came out?
	Google, when did the thong come out, bro?
	Because that changed everything, bro.
	Everybody became a hoe right then.
	When did the thong come out, bro?
	The thong swimsuit.
	I'm talking about the thong panty, bro.
	Like, when did it come out in Walmart to make you feel uncomfortable?
	Because remember when, I remember there was a time when they were actually out in Walmart and you'd walk by and you'd feel, oh, shit, I don't think I can walk by this aisle.
	1990s, it said, looks like they debuted in 74, but really caught on in the 90s.
	Let's go to, yeah, go get it.
	Okay, 74, go to there.
	The Thong makes its official debut with Rudy Gurniech's invention of the Thong swimsuit.
	Yep, 2002.
	A year later, this style was being sold as underwear across America.
	That's in 74. In 1990s, Thong underwear hits the mainstream.
	That's what happened.
	Marketed widely as a practical undergarment to pair with slim fit jeans to best avoid visible panty lines.
	Yum, yum.
	The 1995 Victoria Secrets hold its first public runway show led by models Stephanie Seymour and Rebecca Roman, igniting a consumer thong frenzy, dude.
	2002, over 120 million pairs of thong underwear were sold in the U.S. alone.
	That's when I was at the mall.
	Really?
	Yeah, those are the years I was at them.
	Like, those are the good days, man.
	Because I was 22, so you had all those young-ass women coming out of college buying the fucking was like five for 30. Oh, yeah.
	I would definitely, I would be, I would be in there, I bet.
	It was a sniffer's dream.
	Was it?
	Would you guys ever go in there and do some Pervy shit?
	We wouldn't, but we would catch the people that were.
	You know.
	Were there some lurkers in there in Victoria's Secrets?
	What was that like?
	Because that was Victoria.
	Was that where the babes were at?
	Where were the babes at in the mall?
	Victoria's Secret.
	Okay.
	Victoria's Secret.
	We got a call one time about a Pervy dude in Victoria's Secret because I guess they're allowed to try on the panties and they put a little panty, like whatever they do to put a little panty liner in to like block the, you know, the clam and the jam.
	So I guess they, when they take the panties off, it's not like they go throw them in a washing machine.
	They just put them back on the rack.
	So I guess the guy caught on to where they were putting those panties and he would go by and just kind of, oh yeah, these look good enough.
	Yeah, get that good whiff in.
	Make that fucking, make your wiener walk forward, baby.
	I like that.
	Yeah, I, dude, yeah.
	I understand.
	I think it's, um, and would you guys have to go and talk to that guy?
	Yeah, unfortunately.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Like, how do you, what do you say there?
	I actually used my, my own words.
	I said, hey, man, what the fuck are you doing in here sniffing underwear like that?
	And he's like, I'm not.
	I'm like, bro, you are in here sniffing panties like a fucking pervert.
	Why?
	He's like, and he started walking away.
	I said, hey, bro, don't come in here no more.
	Stop grabbing handfuls of panties and sniffing them.
	We see you.
	And then he walks out and I swear he said this under his breath.
	He goes, I'm still going to do it.
	Really?
	I was like, well, he's dedicated.
	Yeah, you got to respect that, man.
	But he was definitely one of the only ones that I actually encountered.
	I've heard plenty of stories.
	Like, there was, there's Victoria's Secret Girls used to tell us stories all the time about like, oh man, this guy used to do like a run-by-sniff or girls would like, if they pull up their panties or they would hold panties in the air to look at him or something, a guy would like drop his wallet or something, you know, a quick little sniff by.
	And he's like, yeah, we see a lot of that here.
	I'm like, why don't you say anything?
	Like, sometimes it's funny.
	Sometimes it's really pervy.
	I'm like, it's all pervy.
	It's all pervy.
	But at the same time, I guess it could be funny if you just see somebody hit a knee and a sniff.
	Yeah.
	And what would they do is try to sniff, smell the woman?
	The butt.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah.
	That'll get you.
	Sniffers are weird.
	Yeah.
	Well, it's, you know, humans are 40% animal or something.
	And they do it, you know?
	So I don't think it's crazy.
	No.
	But it's, yeah, it's an art form.
	I don't know if it's an art form.
	That's crazy.
	But yeah, it seems weird.
	I think it should have been something back in the day that got frowned upon.
	Like, hey, you can't be sniffing Sally's ass.
	It's like, whatever.
	Yeah.
	Have you ever had to protect like a mall Santa or anything like that?
	Yes.
	Or what's it like when the mall Santa's come?
	Take me through some Christmas time lore.
	Okay, so the Maul Santa situation is always a fun one because eight out of ten times, he's a drunk.
	Really?
	Oh, yeah.
	you will honestly get a Santa guy that comes in there who dedicates his life to be in Santa all year long, who can't wait to go to the mall to do the Santa thing.
	And then you got guys like me who are like, fuck, I just need a job for like the season.
	It's like seasonal job, you know?
	But I've had guys literally pull up drunk, you know, like, hey, where do I go?
	I'm like, who are you?
	Santa.
	It's like, oh, come on over here.
	The Santa, the drunk Santas were always fun because they had the drugs.
	They had the weed.
	And they were the funniest with the kids because they were the nicest.
	The guys that actually did the Santa full year, they would get irritated through the first two hours.
	The drunk ones would be like, hell yeah, I'll get you Ferrari with anything you want, you know?
	So I used to hang out with those Santa's during the season.
	I'll get your mom a half pound of cock.
	You feel me?
	That's crazy.
	That's stupid.
	Actually, you know, I've actually heard a Santa hit on a mom.
	Yeah.
	And he should, dude.
	He said, I got a present for you to unwrap.
	Oh, Santa should get every, the first guy any woman should want is Santa.
	Who's your husband?
	And you're like, you know, he plays for the Mets or whatever.
	Like, bitch, my husband is Santa.
	We had Santa on the podcast.
	Show a clip of that guy.
	Let's just get a look at him.
	He was amazing, man.
	Oh, he's got the full.
	Look at him.
	He got a championship belt on an area.
	Look at him.
	He is the world champion of Santa's.
	It was so cool to meet him, dude.
	We were excited.
	How long did he do it for?
	He was in the game, I think, 26 years.
	He did mall Santa stuff?
	He was sanding.
	He done all types.
	He done it from everywhere across the globe, from Guam to Connecticut.
	Yeah, he'd done everywhere.
	And what was it like?
	Anybody ever, any issues with mall Santas or anything like that?
	One Santa had to get fired his third day, and I think because he fought a parent because the kid asked for something and the parent was going like this, trying to tell Santa, like, tell him no, tell him no.
	It's like Santa's not allowed to say no.
	You know what I mean?
	Well, the kid was just asking for like toys, like basic ass toys, but I guess the kid was a bad kid and this was supposed to be a lesson to the kid, but the parent didn't let us in on the fucking, on the jam.
	So the kid starts telling Santa like, hey, you know, I want this toy, this toy, this toy.
	He's like, oh yeah, this, that.
	And she's like, no, tell him no.
	And like, you can see him kind of like, okay.
	So he keeps going on.
	Then the dad walks up and he starts still telling the story or telling what toys he wants.
	And the Santa starts just eyeballing the dad because now the dad's like doing this.
	So the kid gets up and now the dad walks over and says, hey, man, we're telling you fucking no.
	And he's like, hey, I don't know what you're telling me no to.
	He's just asking for toys.
	And the dad kind of just did like this little backhand do it.
	Like he's like, shut up.
	Just kind of backhand.
	It literally, a transformer.
	He went from Santa to whatever his name is.
	Santa.
	Because he stood up and literally, as he stood up, the beard, the hat, and everything just kind of came off.
	The whole top.
	He's like, what?
	And they just started fighting right there on the spot.
	He's like, Santa started hitting him.
	I kind of stepped in the middle, pushed the mom back because the mom started clawing at us.
	And then the kids, like, he, the kid literally standing there going, what did I?
	He yelled out like, what are you hitting a bite?
	I just want to know.
	Fuck, you know, but he literally yelled out, what did I do wrong?
	And I'm like, oh man, like in my head, I'm like, you didn't do nothing wrong.
	It's your fucking parents, you know?
	Yeah.
	But I, and later on, and the cops came, the parents were explaining that we're trying to teach him a lesson.
	We brought him here because we want to talk to Santa and all this shit.
	And I'm like, well, you ended up getting your ass whooped.
	Yeah.
	So what's the lesson here?
	Yeah, you shouldn't, you can't attack Santa because he has met, because he's the best.
	That's why.
	Yeah.
	And bro, you don't know who's under that Santa, you know?
	No.
	No.
	Let me ask you this.
	Would you hit on women during the mall?
	Because it's probably hard.
	Here's what I would guess would be tough.
	A woman shows up at the mall.
	She's attractive.
	You feel attracted to her.
	But then how do you not just chase her?
	Like not chase her on the mall?
	But you know what I'm saying?
	A mall is just people are going in a certain direction.
	Even I remember when I was young and I'd be at the mall.
	You'd kind of be following a girl around the mall.
	Mall stalking?
	Mall stalking's real.
	Is that what it's called?
	Mall stalking.
	Mall stalking.
	And as a mall cop, you can definitely get away with it more than just being an average Joe.
	Yeah.
	You know, because if you're like just following a girl in normal clothes, you're like, fuck's going on.
	But no, we, we used to mall stock back in our days.
	You know, girls would show up and it'd be nice too because like it's kind of weird because we had our own little groupies because they think we like, oh man, he's a security guard.
	He can get us backstage like to what?
	You know?
	Yeah.
	The best we can do is probably sneak you into the theater, you know, and that right there was money back in the day.
	Girls loved us for that.
	Really?
	Yeah, because it was, it was a kind of a scam because I would walk the girl up to the movie theater and I would know half the people anyway, but most of the time I'd walk up and be like, hey, she left her purse in the theater.
	I'm just going to walk her in and make sure she gets out.
	And they're like, oh, okay, Gus, you're all right.
	And I'm like, so what movie would you like to see?
	Easy numbers, man.
	Easy numbers.
	But yeah, mall cops actually had their own little groupies around.
	It was great.
	Ever getting laid from a woman you met at the mall?
	Nah.
	Yeah.
	Really?
	Nah.
	No.
	I never pursued too much.
	Like, I never pursued the clientele.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Just because you never knew where that was going to land.
	Oh, yeah, for sure.
	Sometimes you see like an attractive woman and they're just shopping at the wrong store and you're just like, oh, yeah, good on that.
	You know, sometimes that just fucks everything up.
	Yeah.
	So do mall cops have enemies?
	Do you guys have other mall cops?
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Other mall cops.
	So there would be beef on the force?
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	If you have, so say you have mall cops.
	Say you have mall cops that like they're on their day off and they come to your mall and they make it known that they're mall cops.
	Now there's just that beef and you see them walking around because sometimes they'll come here like, oh, we wouldn't do it like that.
	Oh, you guys do it like, oh, well, we do it like this.
	Like now we have beef.
	Fuck your mall.
	Fuck your whole mall.
	Yeah.
	So there was mall beef.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	Oh, Wow.
	Oh, yeah.
	Anything has beef.
	You know what I mean?
	But mall caught beef was funny.
	Would you guys ever do like a volleyball team or anything like that for your mall?
	Was there any like?
	No, I did try to get a softball tournament going between the mall guys one time.
	I really, I'm not kidding.
	I really try to get some softball shit going.
	Go out there, get drunk.
	And if things lead to the ninth day and we fight, we fight.
	You know what I mean?
	But yeah, I was trying to organize some things.
	Trying to have some fun, you know?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I think you have to.
	I remember at a waffle house one night I've been using or whatever, and I was in there, and I almost had a team put together to fucking play another Waffle House.
	Oh, shit.
	Yeah.
	And then I don't know what happened after that.
	I think I might have fallen asleep or something, but it was just, yeah, people were.
	Hey, when you get them on board, though, that's the best.
	Oh, that's when it's the best, dude.
	What about ever have a lost child situation there?
	Oh, shh.
	Yeah.
	Ever had a kidnapped child situation?
	No kidnapping situation.
	An attempted kidnapping happened on my day off.
	Wow.
	We all heard about it.
	I'm not going to say it wasn't like a major thing to where somebody got out and like snatched a kid, but I guess a lady was going around courting kids, so to say, like if the parent would walk away, the lady, I guess the lady was walking up and just kind of like, oh, do you know my son?
	Have you met my son?
	Oh, I think you go to school with him.
	He's over there.
	And I guess she was just like listing random names.
	And just a kid goes to elementary.
	It's like, you might hit one of the names.
	Oh, James is over there.
	And I guess on the camera, one of the kids like looked up and said, oh, James, and went to walk towards.
	And the mom's like, hey, where are you going?
	And if the mom wouldn't have looked, I think that would have been it for the kid.
	But no straight out by kidnapping lost kids all day.
	Out of a five week or out of a five day like schedule for the week, four of those days, you're going to deal with a lost kid.
	No way.
	Guaranteed.
	Guaranteed.
	What happens?
	What's the major cause of that?
	Parents just being like just too into what they're doing.
	Kids just running off, not paying.
	And like, I have a toddler, man.
	These kids are, they're just fast.
	You know what I mean?
	They're fast as fuck.
	And once they take off, that's it.
	You know, like sometimes it's not the parents' fault.
	Sometimes it is the parents' fault.
	Like, I can really back it up.
	Like, it may be not, but usually is.
	I've had kids on the opposite side of the mall where the parents were literally like inside like JC Penny's and this kid bolted through the whole mall.
	Damn.
	Made it in other stores, made it all the way down.
	And now he's just sitting at a toy store by himself.
	And that's the truth.
	He was literally sitting in a toy store.
	And when I found him, he was sitting there playing with a toy.
	And I was like, hey, his name was Jacob.
	I was like, hey, are you Jacob?
	And he looked up.
	He goes, yeah.
	Because he was like seven or eight.
	He was, you know, like, he was old enough to know like, fuck my parents.
	Yeah.
	I'm going to go to this toy store.
	Yeah, I'm going to do my own shit.
	Dad's not doing well or whatever.
	Nope.
	Wow.
	So that's got to be kind of, is it scary or does it just get so repetitive that you're like, oh, this is probably the same thing, you know?
	Still scary.
	No, to me, it's scary because one, I'm a parent and so it always sinks in like, don't want to lose your kid.
	But then you always want to slap him in the back of the fucking head like, dude, pay attention to your kid.
	You know?
	Oh, 100%.
	But, you know, the worst ones is during like the Black Friday, like the holiday seasons.
	Yeah.
	Because it's not like one kid.
	It's multiple kids that are missing.
	And it's like, they're not even missing.
	It's just so crowded.
	You're not paying attention.
	And do you have to do an intercom thing then or no?
	Oh, yeah.
	What do you do?
	What do you say to that?
	You're just getting over the line.
	If the parents of Jacob or there's a lost kid, he looks like this.
	And within, if you go over a PA system, within a minute, you know, a lot of parents will start perking up.
	You know, like if you have a human heart, you start perking up and looking around, just kind of check your surroundings.
	And we usually get the call, like, oh, he's over here playing with fucking toys, you know?
	And you're just like, I'm going to go get Jacob.
	Yeah.
	The food court.
	What's going on there, man?
	Food courts.
	You miss it?
	Yeah, I miss the OG food courts, like Sabarro's.
	Sabarro's pizza was so good.
	Love it.
	It was good and horrible.
	But it was a lot of people's first taste of Italian.
	It was.
	Bring it up.
	Bring up Zabarro's.
	Zabaro's was good, man.
	They had a lot of bread at it.
	That's what I like about it.
	I feel like it was hella bready.
	I mean, it's pizza, but still.
	But God, yeah, Zabaro, you're right, dude.
	What the fuck am I talking about?
	The bars were so damn good, dude.
	So good.
	And also, you didn't know what that – there wasn't – Get the second, no, no.
	Yeah, get that one.
	Right there.
	That's the one I went to.
	God, it looks good.
	Right?
	I can just smell Sabaros.
	Zabaros, dude.
	And I loved it too.
	I love Zabarros.
	I love maw food because you don't have to wait long.
	It was just like, what do you need?
	What do you want?
	And then you just go down this little jail line and you're just like, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, pay, and you're out.
	And would you guys eat there every day usually?
	Pretty much, yeah.
	Especially because once you get like, once you make friends with everybody, you're getting discounts and you're getting hooked up because you're not telling on them because they're doing shit in the parking lot.
	So, you know, yeah, we ate there a lot.
	It gained a lot of weight.
	Did you?
	Oh, yeah.
	Especially when Rubio, we had a Rubios pop up at one of my malls.
	And I thought that was like, okay, I'm going to start eating fresh and eating better.
	Fuck no.
	Tortillas all day.
	It was great.
	Fuck yeah.
	Rubio's.
	Rubio's in a mall is good.
	Yeah, Rubio's is pretty good, man.
	They used to have a McDonald's in my mall.
	And I know it's weird to say.
	It's kind of frowned on.
	It's like, why would you take out the McDonald's?
	And it's like, because everyone would go strictly to McDonald's.
	Because if you put a McDonald's in the mall, it's just like, you know, like malls to a flame.
	But doesn't that help?
	Because then at least the malls are around the freaking other stores.
	Yeah, but they just, I guess McDonald's just takes all the business from all the food court places.
	Oh, because kids, because it's food court, if you're with kids, it's always up to the kid where you're going, you know?
	And they're like, McDonald's, you know, it's like kids will always say McDonald's.
	Yeah, especially if they're at the playground.
	Yeah.
	And Miss Fields, did they have that?
	Oh, Mrs. Fields.
	They had the cookie cakes.
	Remember those?
	Those are fucking good.
	My mom would always get those for us for our birthdays.
	Oh, man.
	Dude, bring that cookie.
	Yes.
	Yes.
	So speaking of Miss Fields, in my day, we actually used to get these cookies after they were closed because a lot of these places, they can't like sell the shit the next day or it goes bad or whatever.
	I've eaten probably 100 of those fucking birthday cookies in my life.
	Yeah.
	Taken them home, cut them all up, hand out to friends and shit.
	I've showed up to like friends' houses with fucking three or four of these cookies.
	Like, is it your birthday?
	I'm like, nope, Mrs. Fields was closing.
	You know?
	You have two cakes that say, happy birthday, Chad on them.
	You're like, who the fuck is Chad?
	Who gives a shit, but happy birthday, Chad?
	What mall store had the dumbest employees?
	Oh, shit.
	Or what mall store was just like, what mall store was whatever.
	It was just like, what are we?
	What is it?
	FYI?
	Is that a store?
	FYE.
	FYE?
	DVD store?
	Oh, yeah.
	That was a weird thing.
	It's like, what was that?
	It was like the, it was like, it was like all the fake, yeah, it was like all the fake movie buffs worked there.
	Like all, like, it was just like, it was just a weird store.
	Like, they had the weirdest employees there.
	And no disrespect to them, but you guys were weird.
	It seems weird, though.
	Because it's like, like, you wanted to work at Hot Topic, but you weren't cool enough to work at Hot Topic.
	You wanted to work at like the music trader or even the movie theater.
	And you weren't cool enough to be like, and this was like, all right, fuck it.
	Here, work at FYE.
	This is like the leftover shit.
	Yeah.
	But to be fair, FYE had a lot of good finds.
	Like you could find like the most random ass shit there.
	That's that.
	Like a scarface porn.
	You're like, hell yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	That's respectable.
	What store had the hot chicks?
	What store had chicks in it usually?
	The Victoria Secrets, Amber Cromberry.
	When Amber Crombie and Fitch came out, I did not go into that store for almost the first year.
	Like even as an employee working at the mall and they would tell you to go do wellness checks on your stores, I would not go into Amber Crombie and Fitch.
	Why?
	I didn't fit in the clothes.
	I just, it's just one of those things, man.
	Oh, yeah.
	It was only for attractive people.
	Like models.
	Like, it was for models, dude.
	So I did not walk in there.
	And the one time I did walk in, I was like, so this is where all the women are at.
	Gotcha.
	Gotcha.
	But Amber Cromie and Fitch was just a little intimidating, you know, for myself.
	It was.
	I was a Miller's Outpost guy, like I said.
	Well, Amber Cromie and Fitch, too, dude.
	And they'd have like naked children on horseback.
	Remember when they came out with all those photos and shit?
	I thought that was J. Crew that did that.
	I don't know who it was.
	J. Crew is one of those stores, too.
	You're just like, am I a pedophile or am I a medium?
	You know, like you just couldn't even – No.
	That was the weird part.
	Yeah, you felt weird.
	Oh, yeah, look at it.
	Yeah.
	Straight.
	And they would have models.
	And sometimes they would have live models standing out.
	They're like, come on in.
	Yeah.
	That was weird.
	I worked at one for a little while.
	I worked in the back, though.
	Back with the sloths.
	Back there ringing the bell for whatever, you know?
	Ringing the church bell or whatever.
	It's lunchtime, y'all.
	Let's go.
	Get your six packs.
	Back in the seam room.
	Yeah, fuck.
	They would let me out sometimes to wash people's six packs in the front.
	I had to oil them sometimes.
	But with the spray, I didn't have to do the towel thing.
	It was just like, you know?
	Bet, dude.
	Bet.
	What were the best things about being a mall cop?
	The leniency of not having like a boss hanging over your head sometimes because with having the badge, you were able to go places and nobody would fucking question you.
	And flat out, I'm a pothead.
	So the best thing about being a mall cop, and I think why I stayed there so long was because I had so many hiding places.
	I had so many like resources for free food.
	People watching was great.
	You know, it was just like those small things, but the majority of it was just not having somebody breathing down your neck 24-7 because you were like your own boss.
	You know, a lot of mall cops are a lot of mall security.
	It'd only be like one or two guys, you know, four at the most if it was like a busy mall.
	It's like one or two guys.
	And the one guy that's walking around.
	In the platoon or whatever?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	And then it's just like, I'm just by myself, you know, and that's always good.
	It's just always good.
	Until somebody makes a call of a lost kid or some shit and you're like, I got to go.
	Would you ever be, would you be high a lot of times?
	Most of the time.
	And if any security guard, if any fucking security guard at a mall says that they weren't stoned or not stoned or doesn't have a pin in their pocket, now you're not a real security guard.
	You're not.
	Oh yeah.
	Security, stone 24-7.
	I will never hide that fast.
	Wow.
	That had to be so scary.
	You get to call for a missing kid and then like 30 seconds later, you forget what you're looking for and you just buy Aunt Annie's pretzel or whatever.
	Oh shit.
	And the mom's like, if you found him, you're like, who?
	You know, like, I don't, I'll admit it.
	Okay.
	So I'll admit one time.
	Yeah.
	I was getting really high in the parking lot and a call comes over that a boyfriend had shown up to one of the stores and the girl had already called the cops, already told the managers.
	So we were aware of this boyfriend that was being abusive.
	So I get the call.
	Hey, Gus, girl's boyfriend's back.
	This and that.
	Can you head towards the store?
	I 100% was like confident that I was going to make this call.
	I was like, yeah, no problem.
	No problem.
	I'm going to be there right now.
	I'm on my way.
	I'm actually walking.
	But I was in the parking lot smoking.
	I put my radio down.
	I go back to my phone.
	I go back to the blunt that's lit and I start scrolling through my phone thinking, all right, let me just hit this a couple more times and I'll get out of here.
	About 10 minutes later, a call comes, says, hey, the police are coming now.
	The guy hit the girl.
	And I'm like, oh, shit.
	Oh, fuck.
	I fucked up.
	So I'm putting it out.
	I'm fucking putting the sanitizer on, fucking clone and everything, deodorant.
	And I'm fucking running towards the thing.
	And the first thing I do, Theo, I can't make this up.
	I looked around.
	Nobody's watching.
	I take, I had these little scissors in my, I had this like little knife, but it had the scissors in it.
	I took the scissors and I cut my pants and I took dirt and I went like this and I came up limping.
	Like, where were you?
	I'm like, I fucking fell and I tripped and I rolled my ankle.
	And I was calling you guys, but nobody was fucking answering me.
	And they're like, are you okay?
	I'm like, yeah, I'm fine.
	Totally lied that I rolled my ankle and fell because this girl got hit by her boyfriend.
	Damn.
	Yeah, to this day.
	I'm sorry.
	Nah.
	To this day, I feel bad.
	Yeah, you should have been there.
	Should have been there.
	Should have ran to the thing, but I didn't think that was going to happen.
	But then that's not true.
	You were hot.
	I guess you didn't think it was.
	Yeah, you didn't think it was serious.
	I didn't think he was going to go in and hit her.
	Yeah, yeah, you're right, my bad man.
	Because it was like the stories where he was just coming up and yelling at her for like rent money or whatever the fuck he was asking.
	Because he's asking for, he kept asking for money.
	But I didn't think he was going to hit her.
	But the story went and he got, she got in his face and they started doing this and bumping each other.
	And he had pushed her and like hit her or something.
	I was like, fuck, I would have been there for that.
	I would have so been there for that.
	But instead, I was watching fucking videos.
	Can't win them all, man.
	Nah.
	You know, and I bet there was a lot of ones that you won.
	Gus Parsons, Mall Cop, we appreciate you, man.
	Thanks for keeping things secure.
	And yeah, man, thanks for spending your time with us today.
	I appreciate everything you've done for me, man.
	I can't thank you guys enough.
	Oh, yeah.
	It's been a blast, man.
	Thank you so much.
	Now, I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
	I must be cornerstone.
	Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.
	I can feel it in my bones.

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