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July 10, 2024 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

01:44:44

E515 Nick Swardson

Nick Swardson is an actor, stand-up comedian, and screenwriter best known for his roles in Reno 911, Grandma’s Boy, several Adam Sandler movies, and more. He has a new stand up special coming out on YouTube on July 18th called, “Make Joke From Face.” Nick Swardson returns to chat with Theo about how things have been going on his latest tour, the controversy that followed a viral video of him being pulled off stage (and what really happened) and big news about a new movie with Adam Sandler. Nick Swardson: https://www.instagram.com/realnickswardson/ ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ BetterHelp: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp — go to http://betterhelp.com/theo to get 10% off your first month. BlueChew: Go to http://bluechew.com and use code THEO at checkout to receive your first month free - just pay $5 shipping! ShipStation: Get a 60-day free trial at https://www.shipstation.com/theo. Thanks to ShipStation for sponsoring the show! Gametime: Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code WEEKEND for $20 off your first purchase. ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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	These are exciting, brand new tour dates during the LSU USC game.
	I will be playing that weekend in Las Vegas, Nevada.
	That's August 30th and 31st back at Resorts World Las Vegas.
	Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, September 25th at the PACOM Center.
	North Little Rock, Arkansas, September 26th at Simmons Bank Arena.
	Springfield, Missouri, September 27th at the Great Southern Bank Arena.
	Kansas City, Missouri, September 28th.
	Sioux Falls, South Dakota on October 10th.
	La Crosse, Wisconsin, October 11th.
	Green Bay, Wisconsin, October 12th in Moline, Illinois, October 13th.
	Get your tickets early starting Wednesday, July 10th at 10 a.m.
	local time with pre-sale code Rat King.
	General on sale starts Thursday, July 11th at 10 a.m.
	local time.
	We also have tickets still for Bethel, New York, Wallingford, Connecticut, Portland, and Bangor, Maine, as well as other places.
	Get all your tickets at theovon.com slash T-O-U-R.
	And thank you to everyone who's come out to support the show.
	It just keeps getting better.
	Thank you.
	We got new merch, guys.
	We have new colorways for the Be Good to Yourself t-shirts.
	We have Blue Jean, Granite, Bay, and Banana.
	Check all that and more at Theovanstore.com, the only place we sell merch.
	Today's guest is a comedian, an actor, an entertainer.
	You know him from Reno 911 from Grandma's Boy.
	He has a new special, Make Joke from Face, premiering on YouTube on July 18th, and he has a new tour going on.
	I'm grateful to spend time today with my friend, Mr. Nick Swardson.
	Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song I've been singing just before I've been singing just before Little Nikki, remember him?
	Yeah, of course.
	Who thought that was an idea?
	Well, the crazy thing was I remember- Oh, no, I think it was a bud.
	It was interesting, but I remember that year, we had a lot of like mentally impaired or mentals or whatever they call them or nugget love.
	Yeah, people say all different things.
	Yeah, a lot of times it's just like, yeah, if you eat all nuggets all day, you know what I'm saying?
	And you are in a small classroom, then it's, you are.
	It's like a commercial for fentanyl.
	Yeah, yeah, basically, yeah.
	So basically, well, they had a couple of issues in our area where they like had sprayed for bugs too many times.
	And so in the forecoming decades, you had a lot of little Nikki's running around.
	But at Halloween, after that film had come out, everybody was little Nikki.
	Yeah.
	I love Little Nikki, by the way.
	It's like such a great movie.
	But it's like, yeah, there were a lot of copycats where people, you couldn't tell if they were challenged or they were from the devil.
	And you grew up in Norland.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	You know.
	So like everybody like on Bourbon Street might be a little nikki.
	Oh, yeah.
	A lot of little dickies.
	Yeah, a lot of little nikkis.
	Suck off.
	One of my favorite moments, I was going to tell you this.
	I don't know if I ever did.
	Here, move this over here, little.
	Just know this way.
	Like, push it out.
	Hold on.
	Okay.
	All right, here we go.
	Me up.
	So back in New Orleans, the first time I was there, I was like 19 years old.
	You were?
	Yeah.
	What is this?
	Huh?
	What is this fucking avatar?
	What kind of production is this?
	I don't know.
	It likes you, though.
	I know it's that.
	Okay.
	Well, I'm into Black Dick now.
	Well, it's okay.
	It's also a season.
	I wonder if there is, yeah, like, Black Dick is, is it a seasonal thing?
	I don't know any.
	I haven't ever seen it.
	We don't know yet.
	Yeah.
	But it is a valid question because it's like Black Dick season.
	What would it be?
	Christmas?
	No.
	Halloween?
	Possibly.
	Yeah, maybe Easter.
	Ooh, Easter.
	Springtime.
	Or Black History Month.
	I mean, I think that'd be upper pound.
	Yeah, maybe.
	We should suck them all off.
	I'm not doing it.
	I'll support anybody.
	I will pat somebody on the back while they do it.
	I'll do it.
	Is that appropriate if you pay?
	Yeah, like.
	Yeah, like, how do you be supportive of your gay friends?
	I guess sometimes, like, you don't pat somebody on the back if they're BJing somebody, do you?
	That's not, that's being weird, right?
	That's not being supportive.
	I think that's being supportive.
	I think you're wrong on that.
	Okay.
	I think you're like, okay, you know what?
	You go, Gary.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	You get it, Gary.
	Praise him.
	Get it, Gary.
	Carrot Top.
	Guzzle, guzzle, guzzle, buddy.
	Yeah.
	Fucking.
	You play a little kazoo.
	Jizzle, jizzle, jizzle.
	Yeah, you play the fucking jizzflip.
	Jizzle bells.
	That's why I said Christmas.
	I think we're there now.
	Jizzle bells.
	Deck the balls with balls of cocky.
	Oh, Nick Schwartz.
	Yeah, I'm back.
	Good to see you, man.
	You fucking dude.
	Love you very much.
	Love you too, man.
	My New Orleans story really quick.
	When I was first there, and this, like, as somebody that drinks, the drunkest I've ever been, New Orleans.
	And I, I call it LaBarfe, where I walked on Bourbon Street and I threw up into my hands.
	No reason why I did that.
	Hands like this?
	Yep.
	Praise.
	And I vomited and then threw it in the air.
	And I've never done that before since.
	But like 19, 20 years old, I was like, yeah, this sounds like, and like when LeBron like throws powder like, you know, before the game.
	But I threw barf and I was like, and I call it the LeBarf.
	I don't recommend it, but now you know, you've been down there.
	Who dab?
	Oh, I've seen it brother.
	Well, a lot of times, if you, yeah, and you can even, there's a couple brothers down there, you give him a couple dollars, he'll backflip right through the vomit or whatever.
	There's a lot of like, there's like there's backflip and brothers will roll up on you there.
	Like, a backflip vomit?
	Give me $3.
	I'll fucking backflip through a through a vomit or stream or through some asbestos or something.
	Yeah.
	They got those hard hitters down there.
	Yeah, game on.
	Asbestos fucking shots.
	Yeah.
	Good God.
	Asbestos vomit.
	It's just don't do it.
	They're just playing that at like Chinese construction sites.
	Yeah, of course.
	Yeah, and everyone's dead.
	Everybody.
	Everybody suck me off.
	The thing I wanted to tell you, I'm really bummed out about it.
	Just let me just prevent, please.
	Okay.
	I thought of a movie, and it was already made.
	Oh, yeah.
	And it was a movie for us.
	And I thought it was like in the vein of Chardonnay or whatever the fuck.
	Chardonnado?
	Yeah.
	That's not that wise thing where it's a big glass of wine chasing them or whatever.
	I mean, it could be.
	But I thought of a movie called Llamageddon.
	And it was you and me Armageddon with llamas, and it's already been made.
	And I was really bummed out because I tried to find the spelling today.
	And they were like, yeah, that movie has been made.
	And I'm like, me and Theo, Llamageddon, kill Spade off immediately.
	David Spade gone early.
	First Spade fucking bonk.
	It's easy to, you just also need to just sit him on a chair that is a centimeter uneven.
	And his spine is.
	A cimeter uneven.
	A couple phone books.
	He brings his own chair.
	Yeah, he does.
	People don't know that, by the way.
	David Spade, God bless him.
	Well, rest in peace.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, that part, yeah.
	Yeah, he passed.
	But he has a bad spine.
	B-Y-O-C, dude.
	That dude will bring his own fucking chair anywhere.
	And the problem, here's what it is.
	The chair doesn't match the other chairs.
	That's the problem.
	It doesn't match at all.
	He has like a metal folding chair.
	It's like a cafeteria chair from the war or something.
	It looks like the Roaring Twenties or something like...
	Yeah, it looks horrifying.
	But it suits us back.
	There he is right there.
	Look at him with his own chair.
	Oh, my God.
	Go to my chair.
	What a gypsy?
	Go to my chair in that shot.
	Just show me.
	Look at my chair.
	That is Joe Dirk.
	Regular chair.
	And he brings his fucking homemade chair, dude.
	It's something he made at like church camp or something, he said.
	Yeah, I think it was like in like a petting zoo or something.
	What are you going to do?
	That's a petting zoo.
	The guy's a BLM activist, you know?
	Yeah, we praise him.
	Oh, we praise him.
	Good to see you, dude.
	That was the drunkest you'd ever been there in New Orleans.
	That was the drunkest where I was like, I mean, I've never vomited into my hands and threw it in the air.
	I didn't even know what I was accomplishing there.
	Like, what am I celebrating?
	Not dying?
	I think it's New Orleans.
	Like, you know, Nolins.
	Yeah.
	New Orleans.
	Yeah, Nolans.
	And they say, Nolan, baby.
	And then somebody's like, oh, we've run there.
	And then somebody get like hardcore about it.
	We've runola, bruh.
	And then you just have some of this be like, man, and they'll just give you an oyster and then shoot you in the head.
	And then they fucking fire hose your vomit.
	And they're like, all right, let Ronal baby.
	Yeah, we get eat my swamp pussy lips.
	The crazy thing about New Orleans is like, if you, if something bad happens to you during a, during like Mardi Grader or a parade, or if you have a stroke or have a child or something, you are.
	Or both.
	Whatever you're doing.
	A child that has a stroke.
	Whatever.
	You're going through it yourself.
	An ambulance cannot get to you.
	So you are fucking.
	You are fucking dead.
	You are either dead or somebody's alive.
	It's like, it depends on if you're having the stroke or the child.
	But yeah, it's just like people are, they'll start digging a grave.
	They're like, we can't even, the ambulance is like 40 blocks away.
	Yeah, they're like, yeah, you're gone.
	Say goodbye to your aunt.
	Well, I went on down.
	Your aunt Betty that's just like, I've got two aborts.
	Hurricane.
	Bye, bye, bye.
	And yeah, you're fucking dead.
	They're like, damn, the water doesn't work here.
	No shit.
	First of all, you were eight feet below sea level.
	The water was never supposed to work.
	It was never supposed to work.
	I remember one of my favorite times, I was at like fucking Jazz Fest or some nonsense, which is awesome.
	Yeah, Jazz Fest is awesome.
	But there was a police horse.
	I don't know if I ever told you this.
	There was a police horse and the horse had diarrhea on the wall of a hotel.
	It's like right off Bourbon Street.
	Oh, yeah.
	Diarrhea on the wall.
	So I thought, this is a long time ago, I thought it'd be appropriate to pull my pants down and pretend like I diarrhea.
	So I pulled in front of the cop.
	Oh, yeah, shit tricks.
	Yeah, shit tricks.
	You fucking know, man.
	So I pulled down a shit trick and the cop, I remember my friend had Polaroid.
	That's how back, far back it was, took a shot of me diarying on the horsewall.
	And the cop just looked at me and he just went, no, no.
	And I'm like, yeah, but it's funny, right?
	And he's like, yeah, I get it.
	Just fucking move along, man.
	It's just like patient zero.
	He's just like, no, I'm not move along.
	I'm not entertaining this.
	I'm not.
	And he didn't arrest me.
	Thank fucking God.
	But it was just like, yeah, that's not your diarrhea.
	Yeah.
	That's a horse.
	Okay.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	You're copying his diarrhea.
	Yeah, that's copywritten, basically, too, as well.
	I think it's shoddy written.
	The craziest thing is, that's New Orleans.
	You'll be eating in a fine dining restaurant, and then a horse just bowel blasts fucking one of the panes of window glass out because everybody right outside of the restaurant is just drinking hand grenades, drinking each other's blood.
	Yeah, they're having caviar, and then all of a sudden fucking splatiar comes out the fucking window.
	Joe Sarzona, they get you all right.
	Everyone's fucked.
	Oh, man.
	Praise him.
	Can you praise him, the baby God?
	And he's with us.
	What was I going to fucking say to you?
	Good to see you, dude.
	It's great to see you.
	I love you.
	I had a series of times in the order I would get drunk and go.
	Me and my friend would go.
	We would get too drunk and then we would just go start.
	We'd get under like one of the overpasses of the bridge there and we'd start vomiting together.
	But in between vomits, we would like just dab.
	Which other city?
	New Orleans.
	In between vomiting, like we would, because we would go through profuse bouts of vomiting.
	Cause like, you know, some of the alcohol, it's just like they've made it at home.
	Some of the alcohol is like.
	Right.
	New Orleans is.
	It's like hair filtered.
	They're like hair filtered.
	Pubic hair.
	That's the thing.
	It's pubics.
	It's pubics cubes.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	New Orleans is like, it's one of the cities where I'm like horrified where I'm like, oh, God, like what?
	Like Vegas I can deal with.
	Fine.
	But there's certain cities where I'm like, oh, God, how is this going to fucking play out?
	Yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	They just pull you into their fucking magic fucking voodoo.
	Well, it's a lot of big titties, a lot of gout, a lot of undiagnosed sunburn, a lot of mosquito bites, malaria, good food.
	Now that's one thing.
	Ebola.
	Yeah.
	Some.
	Yeah.
	Quarter cup.
	Yeah.
	Maybe a shot.
	Quarter cup.
	But it's one of those cities where it's just so much going on, but there's music going on, you know?
	Yeah, that's the thing.
	It's like the bar in Star Wars where it's like, oh, coop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.
	And you're like, oh, yeah, I can drink a vase of alcohol.
	It's not even like casual drinking.
	It's just like, oh, can I get a fire hose of a fucking thing called Hurricane?
	They had a hurricane.
	It's fucking debilitating.
	And they're like, let's run it back.
	Let's keep the drink going.
	It's a fucking sugary IV.
	It's just a diabetes falcon crest.
	Good God.
	All the drinks are just named after things that will just kill you around that area.
	100%.
	Can I get an AIDS bomb?
	Yeah, can I get a black on black crime with a splash of Chianti?
	Can I get a stabbed in the shadows?
	Possible?
	Oh, my God.
	Can I get a backflip through some fucking throat mist, homie?
	Throat mist.
	Can I get a machete to the dick?
	Shot?
	Dude, some shot names, it's way too...
	Or you'll have like Vulva Doberman.
	And you're like, that seems.
	Can I get a clit taco sandwich?
	What is that?
	No, it's got peanut butter and fucking bird flu.
	Whatever.
	Yeah, it's fucking horrifying.
	But like, what's a city where you're like, like, just touring?
	I'm like.
	You obviously have like, I mean, you spent a year at Key West, you know, in Key West.
	A year and a half in Key West.
	Okay, so I can't believe I fucking survived that, by the way.
	By the way, new tour, Toilet Head, this fall, NickSwartson.net.
	Really?
	Yep.
	Oh, nice.
	I have a whole new hour and then a new hour coming out on YouTube July 18th.
	Do you really?
	Yes.
	Let's go.
	Dude, not my first rodeo, dog.
	Bro, that's awesome, man.
	Rodeo.
	Rodeo.
	I was just in Las Vegas.
	I almost went and saw The Grateful Dead at the Sphere.
	I might go back this weekend.
	The show didn't get out early enough for us to get over there.
	We tried to get over it.
	We got stuck in traffic.
	Weren't you there when I was there?
	What hotel are you at?
	Staying at the Wynn Hotel.
	Wynn Encore.
	What do you do shows there?
	We did a show at Resorts World.
	Oh, okay.
	Yeah, that's a new one.
	Is that great?
	Yeah, I didn't stay at the hotel.
	The place, the venue, I thought was really cool.
	It was nice.
	The stage is like shiny, and you get out there.
	It feels pretty fancy, really.
	Yeah, I heard it's great.
	But it was good, dude.
	I do the Venetian now.
	Ooh.
	Yeah.
	So that's connected to the sphere, which is awesome.
	And I went to, and I saw you too there.
	Nuh-uh.
	Yeah, it was amazing.
	Now, would you say it's like, I had somebody this week and they said, I don't know if I would want to see a show somewhere else now because it's so interesting there.
	And they labeled themselves a sphere head.
	And I just never heard that.
	It was like, like, I've heard somebody be like a fan of a band, but never like of a venue that much.
	I was like, wow.
	Yeah, I disagree with that.
	Really?
	It wasn't like that?
	I thought it was an amazing show.
	It was awesome.
	But it's like the stage is so small.
	So it's like, you know, obviously it's very visceral.
	I mean, look at this, bro.
	Oh, my God.
	Is that what it was like for you?
	I'm erect.
	Did I film that?
	I doubt it.
	Is that who's there?
	Dane Cook?
	It's high quality.
	This does look like a Dane Cook special, huh?
	Bro, this wasn't unbelievable.
	Yeah, but I didn't have to.
	It's not enough.
	I don't live in a drone.
	I don't fly around like a fucking alien.
	That's true.
	Yeah.
	This is drone footage.
	We're looking at guys.
	You can't see it at home because you are you can see it at home, but some of you can't see it because you're listening on a radio.
	I mean, it was epic.
	You know who I want to see there?
	Wham.
	Whites against Mexicans?
	Yep.
	Nope.
	Wham.
	George Michael.
	Rest in peace.
	Oh, really?
	Are they doing a reenactment or whatever?
	I just, I pray for it.
	I think that's a weird prayer to have, but I want that to happen.
	For there to be a wham?
	Wham and We had a group called Wham in our town.
	It was whites against Mexicans.
	It was two dudes.
	That's the most New Orleans thing I've ever heard.
	Well, they just didn't have any mechanism.
	I think they kind of actually wanted Mexicans.
	They were just afraid to invite them or whatever.
	Right.
	And so a lot of times people pretend like they don't want it, even though they want it.
	You know?
	Like, we're whites against Mexicans, hey?
	Yeah, I mean, okay.
	Like, reverse psychology, you know what I'm talking about right, I get it.
	But it's like they could invite them, yeah, maybe just have a margarita, yeah, and enjoy your life.
	Well, I'm they, yeah, I mean, the group is affiliated for probably 11 months.
	I don't think they had a like charter, like a sponsor, yeah, they didn't have a sponsor, they have a charter, they didn't have like white cloth long term, yeah, they didn't have Brandon Schaub, yeah, they didn't have uh food truck is sponsoring Joe Jordan.
	You know, I love going to concerts and other events.
	I went to a Las Vegas Aces game the other day, and I really enjoyed that.
	And it was thankful to Game Time.
	That's where I got my tickets at the last minute.
	It makes getting tickets for concerts and events faster and easier, even if you don't buy tickets right away.
	Prices on the Game Time app actually go down the closer it gets to show start time.
	With killer last-minute deals, all in prices, views from your seat, and the lowest price guarantee, Game Time takes the guesswork out of buying concert tickets.
	You want to go see Dead Co.
	at the Sphere, or you want to go to a Las Vegas Aces WNBA game?
	GameTime can help.
	That's right.
	GameTime also offers the lowest price guarantee or GameTime will credit you 110% of the difference.
	Take the guesswork out of buying concert tickets with GameTime.
	Time app, create an account, and use code Weekend for $20 off your first purchase.
	Terms apply.
	Again, create an account and redeem code Weekend, W-E-E-K-E-N-D, for $20 off.
	Download Game Time today, last-minute tickets, lowest price, guaranteed.
	You know, podcasting has come with things I didn't expect, like having a merch store online.
	You know, originally we had, my buddy Kevin was just making the t-shirts out of his basement with his brother, who I think was drinking a lot.
	But that changed over time as things built and grew bigger.
	We needed some e-commerce help.
	That's what they call it.
	We started getting worried if things would be done right or how they would be done and if they would be done the same every time.
	That's why ShipStation helped.
	ShipStation helps those who own or run a business.
	If you run an e-commerce business, you already know shipping can consume valuable time and resources.
	ShipStation makes it easier.
	They're the multi-carrier shipping solution that integrates wherever you sell online and streamlines your workflow so your business can grow even when you're on summer vacation.
	Work less and ship more with ShipStation, the innovative tool that helps you turn your shipping challenges into opportunities for growth.
	Go to shipstation.com and use code Theo to sign up for your free 60-day trial.
	That's shipstation.com code Theo.
	If your business and e-commerce needs to evolve, Shipstation can help.
	I haven't seen you since, well, I saw the video that you had about the drink where you got just, what happened with the video?
	It was in Colorado, right?
	Colorado.
	It was Ari Manis was working with you.
	Yeah, Beaver Creek.
	Yeah, I just worked with Ari this weekend.
	Yeah, he's great.
	Yeah, he's great.
	He's really brilliant.
	Yeah, it was like the start of my whole spring tour, and it was a club day.
	It's to get ready for Toilet Head again this fall.
	NickSwartzon.net.
	Toilet Head.
	Floss.
	And we had a floss sound right there.
	So yeah, I took an edible 9,000 feeds.
	Yeah.
	And it was like, the shows were great after that, but it was like, yeah, it was a full brain fart.
	And I've rarely had that outside of New Orleans where I vomited and threw it into my hand.
	But yeah, it was just like a full brain fart.
	And I was on stage.
	I was like, oh my God.
	And the edible hit me.
	And I was like, fuck.
	And I'm like, on stage, you know what I mean?
	Like when you're live and you're like, oh, yeah, here we go.
	And I was like, just high as fuck and balls.
	So you were high.
	So you weren't drunk?
	No, I had a couple cocktails, but the edible is what really hit me.
	Oh.
	Was this, bro?
	That makes me so scared.
	I've had moments just where I can't kind of remember what I'm talking about.
	And even that gets scary or I'll have like a bit that maybe didn't go as well.
	And now I'm like, I start to feel like nervous.
	And then if I can't figure out my next step, I get super scared.
	So I can't even imagine if a new one.
	Yeah, it was like, but it was so blown out of proportion.
	It's like it wasn't like a disaster.
	Well, people were yelling, play like 10, play 10 seconds of it.
	Have you watched it?
	Yeah, go for it.
	Well, you did it.
	What are you saying right now?
	I'll say this.
	Let me ask you this.
	This is a weighted question.
	What?
	What?
	Okay, I'll tell you, Joey.
	All right, here we go.
	And somebody yelled, F***, too, and that was...
	I don't know if it was...
	Anybody here have a kid?
	What?
	Oh, my God.
	Regina was amazing.
	Okay.
	And my apologies to Beaver Creek.
	I'm not proud of that, but I was like, yeah, what do you say?
	It's so fucking high.
	What do you have to say to the people of Beaver Creek, who, first of all, they legalize marijuana there?
	Yeah, by the way, I'm not the first person to get high in Colorado.
	Yeah.
	Like, that's not, I'm not fucking aware of that.
	So what do you have to say to those people?
	Because, yeah, it's a tough, that's a double-edged sword, right?
	If you invite me over to Chocolatown or whatever, right?
	Right.
	And I show up and I end up getting diabetes or whatever, like black lung, whatever you get from eating too much chocolate.
	Billy Wonka invites you to the chocolate factory.
	Right.
	And he's like, suck my chocolate dick.
	And then you have diabetes.
	Right.
	The people.
	And it's on camera.
	Yeah, it's on camera.
	But the people in the town have some responsibility.
	The people that built the factory and let you have as much chocolate as you want.
	Yeah, they're making it.
	They're sitting there making it.
	And then they judge you to you.
	Get the fuck out of here.
	Yeah, that's what.
	You Wonka people, fucking bonkers, fucking tarn nation.
	So what happened?
	No apologies at Beaver Creek.
	Sorry.
	Yeah.
	No.
	Well, it's a beautiful area, too.
	And where were you at?
	You guys were at a theater there.
	Yeah, it was a theater.
	You're performing.
	You go out there.
	Did you know before you went out there that you were like, I should not go out there right now?
	No, I was like, I was totally fine.
	But like, again, like the edible hit me right when I was in the middle of my set.
	And it was a new set.
	So it's like, again, it's actually really great.
	Toilet head this fall.
	It's a solid endorsement.
	But I was like, oh, God.
	And it's like, if anybody's taking an edible, especially if you're in altitude like 9,000 feet, even if you're stone sober, it's like aggressive.
	You know what I mean?
	Like it hits you stone sober.
	But I took an edible with a couple cocktails.
	I was like, oh, no.
	And I'm like, God, here we go.
	And I remember the venue went to Ari and they were like, we're going to pull Nick.
	And Ari was like at my back.
	He's like, don't do that.
	Nick will figure it out.
	You know what I mean?
	Like, he'll just, he'll figure it out.
	It's on his first rodeo.
	And they were like, nope.
	And they pulled me.
	Yeah, because they cut the mic at one point.
	So then you're just talking.
	They can't even hear it.
	Yeah.
	I was like, oh, all right.
	Josie's on the bang.
	I was like, the fuck?
	Were people yell like what were.
	I don't know.
	you were kind of blacked out.
	I wasn't blacked out.
	I was just like, I didn't have my set list with me, and like, you know, people like, well, comment like that were in the crowd.
	I'm like, yeah, I could have gotten through it, but I think people were booing because they pulled me.
	I think they were like, what the fuck?
	Why is Nick getting pulled?
	But I think it was half and half.
	Yeah, because some people start yelling, get this F got or whatever off the stage.
	You can say Fagourney waiver.
	Yeah, get this.
	This Fagana.
	Fagana Kai.
	Yeah, get this beautiful little care bear off the stage.
	Somebody yelled that actually, which I thought was cute.
	Yeah, which was appropriate.
	When you got backstage, what was it like?
	What did the management say to you or something?
	They were like, yeah, so, yeah.
	And I was like, yeah, what?
	All right.
	Okay.
	That happened.
	Oh, yeah.
	I hate it when people don't even know what to say.
	Yeah, they were like, oh, hey.
	Suck you.
	Like, it was just ambiguous.
	I was like, what the fuck?
	Did you wake up the next day and you were like, what the?
	Because what happened after that?
	If the edible hit is probably pretty hard, huh?
	No, it was the best because I went and did two sold outs.
	All my shows sold out after that.
	They were awesome.
	Oh, yeah.
	Taking a test of that.
	At that point, people want to come and also see if you're going to fuck up as well, I bet.
	Yeah, so I did two shows in Aspen at the Belly Up, one of my favorite venues.
	People threw edibles at me on stage.
	I was on stage physically.
	I was covered in edibles on the stage.
	And then I did like six shows in Denver.
	It was like all awesome.
	So, oh, so you went out right after that?
	Oh, that was the start of my spring tour.
	So that was the initial show of like, that's how I kicked it off.
	And I was like, woke up and all of a sudden it was like 100 text messages and people were like, hey, man, you're in CNN.
	It was like so dumb.
	Yeah.
	I'm like, really?
	Like, we're going to blow this out.
	Like, like, TMZ called me.
	They're like, we want to comment.
	I'm like, for fucking what?
	I got too high in Colorado.
	I apologize.
	I'll do my own apology.
	I apologize to Beaver Creek.
	I love them very much.
	Very sweet.
	Are they sweet, though?
	If they got you all dumb, I don't know.
	Jury's still out on that.
	But they were nice enough to show up.
	And then, you know, who gave you the edible?
	I don't want to snitch on anybody, but somebody did it.
	You want the truth?
	Yeah.
	Abraham Lincoln.
	No way.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Well, he got so high.
	He freed all the slaves.
	Dude, he freed my brain.
	He did.
	How about that?
	He fucking unleashed the kraken.
	That's why we pray.
	Well, he should, yeah.
	And he unleashed the non-crackers as well.
	I know that.
	That's your short.
	He 100% did that.
	There's nobody like him.
	Dude, imagine what it must have been like for anyone like him, right?
	If everybody was racist at the time and he just rolls up and he's like, guys, crazy idea.
	I'm going to go to the opera.
	Just, I don't need security.
	No, I'm saying he's going to release all the slaves, man.
	Yeah.
	But he had to pitch that to his buddies first.
	Yeah, I see what you're saying.
	You don't just surprise everybody.
	Like, say, hey, everybody, cover your eyes.
	Right.
	And then ta-da.
	So he was the original magician?
	Is that what you're saying?
	I mean, I'm just saying he pulled a lot of brothers out of a fucking pretty tough hat.
	Yeah, he did.
	But that was a big top hat.
	That was.
	Those are fucking hard black dicks.
	You know, he kept his notes in that hat a lot.
	Yeah.
	A lot of that.
	And he was very tall as well.
	How tall was he?
	That's a valid question.
	How tall was his beard?
	I mean, his wife.
	6'4, bro.
	He was the tallest president, tallest U.S. president.
	So he can dunk, which brings it back to black people.
	Oh, he definitely obviously wanted a hoop or he wouldn't have released all these guys.
	Yeah, he fucking did pickup games.
	But there's no way you're not like, oh, fuck, I need some better competition.
	Yeah, we got to get these.
	He's like, let's go.
	These fucking white people.
	We got to get these brothers on the court.
	Oh, yeah.
	I'm sure James Madison or whatever.
	He probably fucking totally jammed on that list.
	Oh, my God.
	How hard did he dunk on Thomas Jefferson?
	Oh, it took his way.
	Did he dunked on him with the Constitution?
	He was like, give me this piece of paper.
	Bye.
	Fucking, but bye.
	Buh-bye.
	Wait, side note.
	So hold on.
	Sorry.
	I just got off the road and I did like three and a half months straight.
	Did you really?
	Yeah, three and a half months straight.
	Did you go to rehab for that three and a half months or not?
	Or were you really doing comedy?
	Dude, I was doing clubs working at my set.
	You were.
	So people are so bonkers.
	So like when you come to a show, awesome.
	Yeah.
	Love you.
	Oh, yeah.
	Let's not be bonkers.
	So these are two road stories where this guy, hotel bar at the Marriott.
	Awesome.
	This guy shows up and he goes, hey, man, are you Nick Swartzen?
	And I go, yeah.
	And he goes, can I have a drink with you?
	And I'm like, yeah, totally.
	Like, I'm down.
	Like, if anybody wants a photo cocktail, I'm down.
	This guy saddles up and he swear to God, I can't make this up.
	He goes, let me just say something.
	And I go, yeah, what?
	And he goes, I'm going to say the word n ⁇ a lot.
	A lot.
	He just told you straight up.
	Yeah.
	And I go, what?
	And he goes, I'm not racist, but I'm just, just so you know, I'm going to say that a lot.
	And I go, well, fucking no.
	You can't hang out with me.
	Like, what did you think my response would be?
	Like, get the fuck out of here.
	Yeah.
	Like, what would I be like?
	Ah, finally, somebody has the courage.
	Like, no, get the fuck out of here.
	Fucking weirdo.
	Yeah.
	Oh, some of that stuff.
	Yeah.
	Some of the, yeah, we.
	Some road stories.
	Yeah.
	Like, dude, I have so many.
	I'm like, oh, my God.
	Really?
	Oh, my God.
	Like, crazy people.
	Yeah.
	That just like, they just like, drunk chicks are the number one most bonkers outside of racist guy.
	But it's like there was one where I did a casino in Connecticut, and these girls came up and they were like, Hey, Sire Shop.
	And I go, Oh, cool.
	And they go, Yeah, funny.
	And I go, Thank you.
	I go, Do you want a picture?
	And they were like, No.
	And I'm like, Okay, well, pleasure to meet you.
	Thank you for coming to the show.
	And they're like, Yeah.
	And I turned around, was playing video poker.
	And they were like mad for some reason.
	They were like, Yeah, you know what?
	You're not that funny.
	Fuck you.
	And I was like, okay.
	That escalated.
	I'm like, yeah, I just, you don't want a photo?
	And they're like, no, go fuck yourself.
	And they walked away.
	I'm like, okay.
	Jesus Christ.
	So then the boyfriend comes up.
	This guy goes, hey, man, were you dick to my girlhood?
	And I was like, bro.
	I'm like, dude, I wasn't.
	I was like offered a photo, everything.
	Like, I was super nice.
	And he's like, okay.
	And I'm like, do you want a shot?
	Like, and he's like, okay.
	So he saddles up.
	So we do a shot watching Sports Center talking sports.
	And the guy goes, hey, man, you know what?
	You're actually really cool.
	And I'm like, yeah, I'm like a fucking real guy.
	Like, I'm just a dude.
	Yeah.
	And he's like, yeah, you know what?
	My girlfriend's a fucking cunt.
	He's like, just a fucking bitch.
	Can't handle her liquor.
	And I was like, dude, I didn't say that.
	And he's like, yeah, fuck that.
	Sorry about this.
	You're cool.
	Walked away.
	Dude, we had, I remember one time in that crowd, I said, all the ladies, close your eyes.
	All right.
	And then I was like, guys, if you could take your wife on a vacation and eliminate her while y'all are traveling, raise your hand.
	Right.
	And none of the ladies were allowed to look.
	That's amazing.
	And it was probably maybe about 1,800 people in the crowd.
	About 11 guys raised their hand.
	That's hilarious.
	And one dude even did it like this a little bit.
	Like, I think because he didn't trust his wife wouldn't see.
	So he kind of just did that.
	But it was like, holy shit, dude, a lot of women could go missing.
	Women could go missing so easy.
	I think that's one of the reasons it takes them so long to get ready, probably, because it might be last looks, you know?
	Yeah, we don't know.
	Yeah, that could be like in your coffin.
	That's what you're doing.
	You got your eyeliner.
	Put it on.
	Yeah, just saddle up.
	Put it on.
	Get your pageant face on.
	Judy.
	Janet.
	Maybe Janet.
	Maybe Corain.
	Maybe Katonkas.
	What's a good...
	One night I remember there was a gal.
	I went over to her place.
	Old timey term, by the way.
	A gal?
	Gal.
	Yeah.
	from fucking...
	It was fucking weirdo.
	I was in Philadelphia.
	And there was a gal, bro.
	And Kobe Bryant had died.
	And she made me sleep in this bed with her and a great Dane, bro, named Kobe that wore Lower Marion Jersey.
	What high school did he go to?
	Yeah, Lower Marion PA.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, was that Chicago or no?
	Philadelphia, Philly.
	Oh, okay.
	Oh, that's where he went?
	I didn't even realize that.
	I didn't know that's where that was, but I was in Philadelphia.
	It was after a show.
	Stayed over at this girl's house.
	Me, this great Dane and her all fucking shared a bed together.
	And the great Dane slept in the middle of us, dude.
	So I've never done any like G-A-Y-S-T-U-F-F, but that is, it's definitely when you're holding a fucking great Dane, it's like it's not racial, but it's like it's intriguing.
	It's intriguing a little bit, but it also feels like you're kind of like in a part of the zoo you shouldn't be in.
	Does that make any sense?
	I mean, kind of, but also it's like...
	I mean, look at this.
	Go back.
	Who is this, people?
	What?
	How big was the Great Dane?
	First of all, all your furniture's broken.
	Does this penis?
	Do you have a penis?
	Does he have a penis?
	Yeah, dude.
	If he rolled over, his penis just fell out of the bed and broke the back of a fucking full-grown cat.
	Oh, my God.
	It'll smash a futon?
	Oh, it'll break the back of a full-grown cat that's laying down there, dude.
	It's a fucking cat.
	His dick was a calf?
	He had calf dick?
	Bro, his penis had shoelaces on it.
	I'm like, that thing is.
	Shit laces.
	Bro, his penis had a little tag on it.
	It said U.S. 10.5, UK 11. I was like, oh, my God.
	You can get his penis at Costco.
	Fucking Woody got that fucking ramp on him, homie.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Oh, my God.
	So parking lot, Dick.
	Are you still drinking these days?
	Because before you weren't going to take a break from drinking, are you able to manage it?
	Because you had had, you know, you had almost died, didn't you?
	You went to the hospital or whatever.
	Yeah, I almost died.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, no, I manage it.
	Yeah, it's fine.
	Are there drinks you cannot have?
	I just like, I don't, like, I cut out sugar.
	So I just like drink.
	Like, if I do drink, it's like Tito's water.
	Like, it's pretty basic.
	But, like, I quit smoking cigarettes.
	You did?
	I never really did drugs.
	So, like, but like, I drank casually.
	Yeah.
	But, like, I don't go like bonkers.
	Like, back in the day, like, Key West was a year and a half of, like, fucking game on.
	Like, it was.
	And what were you doing?
	Because you were just hanging out at a hotel bar or something.
	Because remember, Dustin Poirier sent me a picture.
	Yeah, we talked about it.
	He saw you down there one time.
	Yeah, but I would drink because it was like during COVID.
	So I was just like over everything.
	I was just like, fuck everything, like the world.
	Oh, you're just down there counting Cube and swimming over, having a couple of fucking mojitos.
	Oh, dude, I was just sucking off fucking margaritas.
	And that's the guy's name.
	Margarita.
	Yeah.
	Game on, Wayne.
	No, and I was just like, I didn't really give a fuck.
	So I just drank like from 8 a.m.
	to 2 in the morning, 3 in the morning every day.
	It was amazing.
	But yeah, now I got my shit together and it's awesome.
	So you didn't go to rehab then?
	I did not know.
	Yeah.
	I mean, I've been there before, but that was like years and years ago.
	Yeah.
	I mean, hours ago.
	Yeah.
	I mean, we're in rehab.
	Yeah, we praise him.
	Well, now they have virtual rehab that People are going to.
	Have you heard of this thing?
	No.
	It's like through VR or whatever.
	Can you bring that up?
	Virtual reality rehab?
	You put on like, what is it, Oculus or something?
	Yeah, you put on something like that.
	But you'll have somebody at the bar and they'll go sit in the corner for like 40 minutes with fucking rehab on.
	Erect.
	And then they, oh, I didn't, I wasn't that close to the guy sawing it.
	I think you were.
	But.
	You fucking swamp possum.
	And the guy's like, I've been at rehab.
	I just got back.
	I'm like, you just fucking sat over there with your oculus on for 30 minutes.
	I mean, that'd be amazing.
	He's like, yeah, it's outpatient.
	I was like, all right, dude, whatever.
	Fucking calm down.
	How out are you?
	Fucking bunk.
	Way outpatient, dude.
	The virtual reality system allows participants to immerse themselves in a variety of settings and situations to practice recovery techniques, such as fighting off temptations, as well as to receive therapeutic support.
	Can you even imagine?
	I mean, I'm not laughing at it.
	God bless.
	I mean, we can laugh at it.
	Imagine.
	But also, like, sorry.
	No, what are some of these scenarios going to be?
	You put on the virtue of reality.
	Suddenly some guy comes in, right, with like a meth queen on his arm, right?
	Right.
	And you're just supposed to be sitting there just reading a book or something.
	And you're like, pick out who might have the eight ball or whatever.
	Like, what is the fucking...
	So it's like, if you have an Oculus, you could be anywhere.
	Yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	You could be at the beach, yeah.
	Yeah.
	And a little crab tries to bring you up.
	You could be at Margaritaville or some shit.
	A soma or something.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	They'll like sit there.
	Somebody shows up with like a fucking fentanyl snowman.
	And you're like, oh.
	Bills will be ringing.
	Josie's on it.
	Yeah.
	You're fucking DOA, dog.
	Dude, that's the saddest when there's fentanyl in the snow, dude.
	I think I heard about like that.
	Some of those, somebody put fentanyl in one of those cloud seeding machines or whatever.
	Oh, my God.
	That's a scary thing now, man.
	It's like.
	Yeah, it's like not a joke.
	Like, I'm not making fun of fentanyl.
	It's like fucking horrible.
	Yeah.
	But like, it can appear like in a cactus.
	Oh, you have no idea.
	There's even...
	Dude, we had a, I remember kids would like, not kids, but women kids, female kids would do like vajipin or whatever.
	And I was a kid, they put LSD into their vagina.
	What?
	And they would have chicks like just.
	On Bourbon Street?
	Yeah, and they'd be like, oh, no, this is more like in people's in like a safety of a home or whatever.
	You'd be like, oh, yeah, Teresa's vajipin, homie.
	And you'd be like, oh, fuck, bro.
	Hope she's all right.
	You know?
	What?
	That doesn't sound like a safety home.
	In the safety of a home, but you decided to say yes.
	You just put a bunch of drugs in your pussy hole in a fucking gutter.
	Bro, this is a safe place.
	Anyway, drugs in your genitals.
	Absorb it.
	And then, Brian Callan.
	Bro, but dude, that's fucking Lord's lockbox, dude.
	That's the original.
	Dude, you know that little that safe that's in the hotel room sometimes?
	The vagina was a lot of times people just hide stuff in their wife's vagina.
	That's the original escape room.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	She's trying to find a way out.
	Find your life.
	And that's an Amy Schumer joke.
	What else is going on?
	Dude, do you see all this stuff that's happening with Sketch?
	Did you see this?
	People were, you know, the What's Up Brother?
	No, I don't know what that is.
	Sketch is a streamer.
	He's known for his Madden streams, for just being like a one-of-a-kind guy.
	Oh, I think I saw him.
	Yeah, he was on your show.
	Yeah.
	And it was excellent.
	I've spent time with him over the past few months.
	We talk every couple of weeks.
	Just like, I mean, a gift.
	Sketch is a gift to the world.
	And so I guess allegedly he did, he had some, he did some OnlyFans stuff a few years back, and some of it may have been homoerotic, you know, or gay or men, you know, extra men, more than one man type of thing or whatever, or just gay.
	And you know what I'm talking about.
	And so this, all these pictures started coming up, things that people found in OnlyFans.
	And then I think everybody was just curious, is this really him?
	You have no idea now with AI or whatever.
	You have no idea what anything is.
	Right.
	It could be.
	And people.
	What did he say?
	Was it like genital warfare?
	I don't know, but people are writing some of the strangest things.
	Nick, what was that one tweet that I put in there?
	Well, I mean, like, what I don't understand.
	Like, is he like canceled or something?
	Well, it just, this shows the uncanniness of whenever people rip somebody on the internet.
	Yeah, it's like, what a broken record.
	It's like, good God.
	And I love Sketch.
	I support him 100%, no matter what it is.
	Somebody tweeted this.
	How could you at the Sketch Reel?
	I met you.
	I used to be a big fan of you.
	I was your biggest fan of all time.
	This is just kind of like a chubby kid or young Filipino woman who has tagged Sketch in this and is kind of calling him out, I guess.
	And they put a heartbroken emoji, right?
	So first of all, what is it, Matt?
	Why was he?
	Why are you not a fan now?
	He didn't have to, he doesn't owe you that.
	Like he had to tell you that he'd had gay activity or he had OnlyFans.
	But then here's what happens to this tweet.
	Somebody shares this tweet, tags that tweet, and adds to it quotes.
	It said, go lose weight, you fat f ⁇ ing f ⁇ , right?
	To this child, okay?
	Period.
	Oh, my God.
	Fucking fat shit.
	They were after that, period, which doesn't even have a noun in it, I guess.
	Or it might just be a noun, but it's missing.
	It needs a preposition.
	It needs something, right?
	It needs an adverb.
	Then after that, they came to so far you would think they come to the defense of sketch because they say, go lose weight, you f ⁇ ing fat f ⁇ .
	Comma Mick F ⁇ .
	Sorry, I left that part out.
	Period.
	F ⁇ ing fat shit.
	Then they double spaced and wrote, Sketch, the gay f.
	It's like what?
	Yeah, it doesn't make any sense.
	The internet is so bonkers insane.
	I'm like, so I don't read comments.
	I'm just like so over it where people like just chime in such insanity where I'm like, okay, like, but you're not, why even come to the defense?
	Like, what?
	Like, what are you, what are you saying?
	Like, what does anybody, it's like, it's so bonkers.
	Yeah.
	And why is this kid like it just like, why would the kid be looking for clout just to say, hey, Sketch, like, I used to love you, didn't tell, like, he doesn't know you.
	You didn't know him.
	It's obviously a picture of just some, a random stranger.
	Yeah, literally.
	That had met him.
	And then the other guy quotes, read it one more time, Nick.
	I can't really see.
	Go loose weight, you f ⁇ ing fat f ⁇ .
	Mick fuck.
	Fuck fat shit.
	Fuck sketch the gay f ⁇ .
	Yeah.
	What is the point?
	Imagine just spending your time just going like, I gotta, I've gotta chime this in.
	I'm like so over it.
	Like back in the day when I started making movies and I did Grandma's Boy and like Bench Warmers and I would read critic reviews, which weren't like that scathing, but they were like, hey, fuck you.
	You fucking suck.
	Yeah.
	What did I do?
	Let's try to make a funny movie.
	Like why?
	Like when people chime in, it's just like, dude, like, what the, what the fuck can you go make a movie?
	Yeah.
	You fucking tarred nations.
	Yeah, like, wow, this shit was such a waste of my time.
	This guy used to be funny.
	It'll say stuff like that.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	But it'll say that on like a baby announcement.
	It's like, you know, Hector's here.
	He's four days old.
	And people are like, yeah, I remember when he used to be funny.
	It's like, he's four days old.
	Yeah, he's a child.
	Like, people will comment.
	They just have no chill, man.
	People don't care.
	People want to chime in like at all times.
	It's hilarious.
	Like, I'm, again, like, I'm just like so over it.
	Like, sometimes I'll like read comments.
	You're like, hey, man, you're fucking old.
	Yeah.
	I'm like, yeah, I know.
	I'm 47. What do you want from me?
	What are you?
	C3PO?
	Yeah.
	Are you a challenging?
	Yeah.
	Are you Chewbacca?
	Yeah, what are you the Mayans or whatever?
	Yeah.
	Are you a fucking Egyptian princess?
	And also, first of all, the is mummied?
	Yeah, eee.
	Oh, I'm sorry.
	I'm not a mummy.
	Fucking.
	And here's what's dumb about mummies.
	They don't even make any sounds, dude.
	They kind of remind me of DoorDashers.
	They don't have any food on them, you know, because they're just kind of covered in the corner.
	Yeah, and they're covered in toilet paper.
	And then you ordered toilet paper, which is more ironic.
	Where you're like, can I get the toilet paper, please?
	Can you peel it off your fucking Egyptian mummified brain?
	And I do, and I feel for Sketchier.
	What was his comment?
	I sent him some messages this morning.
	Look at this.
	Open it on us.
	That was me.
	That was me.
	It's okay, though.
	I will tell you what.
	Okay.
	Two years ago, I did some stuff.
	I'm sorry if you've seen similar stuff.
	You know, I'm a changed person.
	Um.
	What is it?
	Um.
	What is it?
	I did not have sexual relations with that man.
	I'm just kidding.
	I did.
	Impossible.
	Walk away.
	Catch our back.
	Okay.
	It's okay.
	Um, what else do I have to say?
	I don't know.
	Thank you to all my people that have been sticking up for me.
	I understand if you're bad.
	Shit hit the fan.
	Okay.
	I was dealing with some addiction problems.
	What is he apologizing for having sex with a man?
	I hit the fan.
	Okay.
	I was dealing with some addiction problems.
	A dick?
	A couple of them?
	But what's the point after?
	The plan after was not very good.
	If I was alone and I was at my house, I probably wouldn't be talking to you right now.
	But people at FaZe, banks, especially, and my friends that I've made over the past couple years came in and they saved me.
	I don't know what I was going to do, but.
	Save him what?
	What the fuck?
	I think he was just scared.
	The internet really came after him.
	Yeah, don't look at the fucking internet.
	But I think in his case, it's hard.
	It's a lot of his life is built on there.
	And then also, it's like if something like that came out, I mean, you can't just pretend it didn't happen.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Like, it's so strong.
	He like blew a guy or who the fucking cares?
	Yeah, well, I don't care what he did.
	Well, no, there was just whatever it was.
	Take your wig off.
	Doing gay.
	Take your wig off.
	It's not a wig.
	It's a fucking wig.
	Some guy at the airport comes up to me the other day.
	He goes, that's a wig, isn't it?
	Yeah, it's 100% a wig.
	So you think this is a wig, dude?
	You're fucking wiggling weaver.
	I could imagine if you don't know something like that, you think it's private and then it goes out public.
	That would be very, that would be alarming.
	Yeah, it'd be alarming if it was like 1800s.
	Oh, I agree.
	I think it's ridiculous.
	I think anybody coming out of it would be a gay.
	Who cares?
	Yeah.
	Oh, I think it's ridiculous.
	Pussy and a dick.
	Oh, but you're a real intersection at that point, dude.
	I mean, it's both ears.
	It's bumper-to-bumper traffic.
	But it's just interesting just as he's making this statement.
	He's like, well, what else do I have to say?
	It's almost weird.
	It's like you're pleading for peace from this.
	From just strangers.
	Right.
	It's just kind of fascinating where we are in time that you watch somebody who has to make this plea.
	Even as he's trying to figure out what is he even asking for, you know, like what is he apologizing for?
	I agree.
	What the fuck?
	I agree.
	But I just think it's fascinating to see that that's where we're at in time where you're watching somebody apologize or whatever it is, right?
	Right, totally.
	To a screen.
	Yeah.
	because of the world that we live in.
	It's just, it's very interesting, I think.
	But who cares that he was gay?
	First of all, he was a Texans fan.
	Way tougher than doing some gay stuff.
	Way tougher.
	What the F?
	Oh, more dudes took down David Carr than did Sketch ever, huh?
	Yeah, he got sacked 73 times in his cookie season.
	Okay, dude.
	I mean, good God, he got sacked in his fucking mouth.
	Dude, that's what sacked me.
	And yeah, Sketch, I just want to say, man, yeah, don't just hang in there if you're feeling any type of way or, yeah, just keep your head up, brother.
	We love you, and everybody loves you, dude.
	And it doesn't matter whatever's happened or has it, or yeah, whatever, you know, we love you because of who you are.
	And yeah, and nothing will change that, bro.
	So just hang in there and know that people have your back.
	Some people probably have your front too.
	Some of these people are perverts.
	But just know I love you, bro.
	And I'm just one of the millions of people that do.
	So just hang in there, champ.
	Sketch me, love it.
	You're fine.
	Yeah.
	Don't stress about this nonsense.
	And yeah, if you feel like you, and now people do what they want, bro.
	Some people are gay.
	Some people are straight.
	Some people don't even know.
	Some people don't even have a sexuality.
	There's kids out there, not kids, but adult children or whatever, who don't even know.
	They're like, I don't even know.
	I like to go to the library or whatever.
	I didn't even know I had a wiener.
	You'll have somebody say that sometimes.
	Yeah, they don't even know if there is what a library is.
	Yeah.
	So they're going to go to it.
	Yeah.
	You'll even have a guy, yeah, being like, oh, look at this long pussy I have with balls under it.
	Look at these fucking fresh fucking labes.
	Look at how many labias do I have?
	I have pussies in my armpits.
	I don't even know what's going on anymore.
	Yeah, somebody be like, oh, look at this long vagina I have.
	Look at this vagine.
	Oh, I'm going to fucking bring this to bourbon straight.
	Throw some beads in my puss.
	We love you, Sketch.
	And sorry you're having to deal with that or if it's scaring you or whatever.
	I just can't imagine it would be very scary, you know?
	What is scary about that?
	A haunted house is scary.
	I think I don't think he's gay.
	It sounded like he had addiction issues and maybe he was doing it for money.
	So it was something he was keeping secret.
	And his fame really kind of happened overnight in the last six months.
	And everybody just who loved him found that out.
	A thing he doesn't have to be ashamed for, but he's already felt shame for it.
	So he was just scared.
	And it sounded like he was in really bad shape yesterday.
	But the streamers from FaZe Clan really supported him.
	And he went over there.
	And I think it's all good.
	I think he's only going to be bigger, to be honest.
	Yeah, I think that's what I'm saying.
	I just feel so much that he's scared.
	That's what makes me.
	But what are you scared of?
	It's like he's going to fucking die.
	He's fine.
	Right.
	But I think for a lot of people, it feels like the internet is the only be-all end-all.
	Like you and I are at a different age where it's not as much, right?
	We're different aides.
	But for the younger generation, I think that is it, right?
	Is that making sense, Nick?
	Right, that makes sense.
	Where it's like, okay, that's the jury of my life.
	Right.
	You know what I mean?
	where it's like, it's not.
	Right.
	We still have a little bit more of like, there's a human jury and there's an online jury, but I think it gets- I agree.
	You know what I'm saying?
	But the power of it is intense.
	I mean, even the power of just your video where they had, if you guys were drinking or had done edibles and whatchamacallit.
	It was like, look how much news, you know what I'm saying?
	It was like, yes, it doesn't matter, but the media doesn't fucking care what matters, you know?
	Right.
	But I didn't like hold a grain of salt to like when it came out like on TMZ, where it was like, Nick Swartzen is hammered on stage and whatever, like edibles.
	And I'm like, yeah, all right.
	What the fuck?
	Like, who cares?
	Yeah.
	Everybody out there just listening, don't worry about the internet and comments.
	It's fucking dumb and superfluous.
	Makes no sense.
	Yeah.
	Like, just move on, enjoy your life, be you, and don't kill people.
	Yeah.
	And when you, but I think when you're at times, if you're struggling with drugs, people will get into some wild stuff, you know, if people are out there.
	Everyone's done wild shit.
	What the fuck?
	Oh, yeah, I agree.
	You look back at your past.
	You've done some fucking nose nachos.
	Dude, somebody's had some nose nachos in their past.
	Some of those fucking...
	Yeah, fucking, fucking...
	Some of that fucking snout mustard, homie.
	You feel me?
	Fucking, that fucking dick mayonnaise.
	Oh, no, no, I'm good.
	I wanted some coke.
	Okay, Joe.
	Don't be that guy.
	No.
	That's like, oh, you want?
	I'm kidding, man.
	You want this wiener coke, homie?
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	Dude, you know what I saw the other day?
	Did I tell you I heard that Frederick Douglass was gay?
	Did I tell you that?
	Frederick Douglass, like the old black author?
	Yeah.
	There he is.
	Bro, hit that picture right there above one.
	How did that come out?
	Come on.
	Bro, you telling me, bro.
	And look, I respect.
	How did that come out that Frederick Douglass is gay?
	Bro, I respect fucking F Doug to the end, bro.
	Yeah, he's a legend.
	But don't even tell me, bro.
	He was like Lil Nos escape.
	He looks like he was the other member of Color Me Bad.
	Yeah, dude, huh?
	I want to sex you up.
	You know, TikTok it on all night.
	Sweaty genitals.
	Sweaty genitals.
	Bro, FDR.
	And I just heard that.
	I'm not saying that.
	That's something that I've heard a lot.
	Yeah.
	Did you grow up with them?
	How'd you even know that?
	No, there was just you would read it on places.
	You would read like little.
	Where did you read that?
	Just saw what's it called?
	No, when people write something on a bench or whatever.
	You know, Henry got fucked or whatever.
	You're like, well, geez, you okay with that?
	I don't like read benches and live by it.
	But benches used to be the internet.
	You didn't have the internet, dude.
	You had whatever somebody wrote on it.
	The bathroom walls and all that stuff.
	Yeah.
	That was the internet.
	Don't you know that?
	The original Reddit?
	I guess, yeah, that's, yeah, that's about Larry Sooks cock or whatever.
	You're like, oh, God, good to know.
	Gary's got that gay flu.
	Yay!
	Yeah.
	Motherfucker.
	Hit me up for free tires or whatever, like a 1-800 number.
	But that was the internet.
	It was the bathroom wall or benches, man.
	Yeah, that's true.
	You know what I was looking at recently, man?
	They had, there's gay animals out there.
	Like what?
	Name a couple.
	Here, how about this then?
	know some of them.
	Okay.
	You tell me which person.
	Let's go genre.
	Not specific animal.
	Because you can't be like, oh, Paddington bear or whatever.
	But I want like a genre of an animal or a species or species.
	That's the right.
	Is that the right spat?
	Spaces.
	Species, yeah.
	You tell me an animal.
	I'll tell you if it's gay or not.
	A panda.
	Not sure.
	Okay.
	Giraffe.
	Fuck yeah, dude.
	Yeah.
	Giraffe?
	Just dripping dicks.
	They got fucking waterfall penises.
	Oh, well.
	Just hang down.
	Well, that neck, too.
	A neck is just a long penis with sounds in it.
	It's like the Ron Jeremy of horses.
	And here's the trick about being a giraffe.
	Giraffe, your head and eyes are so far from your wiener that if a guy blows you or whatever, you can pretend it's not a guy if you want, right?
	Because you're so far.
	You can't see it.
	Like you're so far removed from it.
	Like if I'm up here and somebody's just, you know, whistling on my root or whatever, I can pretend it's whoever.
	But if I'm right here like a human, it's hard to not, it's hard to be in denial.
	You can see fucking Steve and Mark.
	Right, you can see somebody with a- Yeah.
	Look at this.
	Oh, yay, dude.
	Oh, whoa, hold on.
	That did not go well.
	Wow, that thing is poplocking.
	Whoa, homie, bro.
	She's crimson stuns.
	And that is how you meet a man out there in the woods, buddy.
	Okay.
	What if a lion's sucking your dick?
	How fucking sweet would that be?
	Well, giraffe, giraffe is no teeth.
	motif.
	The Lions just...
	It does.
	Okay.
	It does.
	It would nibble that thing down just like somebody just biting down a piece of thing, a mistletoe.
	Okay, I like that.
	Some vegetarian.
	Yes or no?
	Elephant?
	Gay or no?
	Elephant's no.
	Two just.
	Dude, what about if the trunk goes into your gym and then you can suck your own dick?
	So does that make the elephant gay?
	We don't know.
	What about, guess another one.
	Oh, Cheeto.
	No.
	They dress gay, I think, but I don't think they are.
	But they do dress gay.
	Or they dress either.
	They dress like 80s hairband gay.
	Yeah, like Italian women.
	Yeah, jersey housewives.
	Yeah.
	At a poison concert.
	Yeah.
	God, that's good.
	Yeah, they dress pretty gay.
	What about here?
	I'll tell you, I'll give you a clue.
	Nighttime, Halloween.
	Bats?
	Bats.
	Bats are way gay, dude.
	How are bats gay?
	First of all, they're hiding in the dark.
	You can't even see what's going on.
	Right?
	So if something just flies right into your wing or whatever, it could be like, oh, I'm a one, you know, like, that's the craziest thing.
	The dark is just this, it's the ultimate.
	Or it's also like, like, I'm sleeping upside down, but they're trying to suck their own dick.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	So what about Batman?
	Oh, it's dark.
	I'm going to fly into some other bats and just whatever happens.
	That kind of stuff.
	I'm going to fly into Robin.
	Yeah.
	Who's a fucking gay bird?
	Yeah.
	Oh, I'm not gay.
	It's just really dark in here.
	That thing.
	Yeah.
	Bats have that.
	I got it.
	Oh, right here.
	In wild little brown bats, males often mount other males during late autumn and winter when many of the mounted individuals are torpid.
	35% of matings during this period are homosexual.
	Wow.
	What does torpid mean, Nick?
	Yeah, what is torpid?
	I've never even heard that word.
	Mentally or physically inactive or lethargic.
	So I guess every man.
	It's like a K-hole, I guess, for animals.
	When many of mattered individuals are torpid.
	Huh?
	So yeah, so bats can be gay.
	Bisons, too.
	Bisons.
	Look up bisons being gay, please.
	That can't be right.
	Bisons, dude?
	Aren't they basically buffaloes?
	The American bison is a bovine mammal which displays homosexual behavior.
	Look at him right there.
	Full anal penetration between bulls has been noted to occur among American bison.
	Wow.
	Put in gay bison.
	And let me know where that bar is.
	Oh, that's gay.
	Sorry.
	Right there.
	Zoom in on that picture.
	Look at the kid.
	He's kind of off at school or whatever that area is of the yard.
	Right.
	And this dude is trying to holler at that.
	His dad.
	I mean, good lord.
	And that one's in blackface.
	I want to say.
	I mean, I don't know if that's okay to say or not.
	Well, faces can be black.
	So anyway, just want to go down a little trail there.
	Yeah.
	But yeah.
	That was a treasure trail.
	Yeah, I think the crazy part is just like, yeah, I don't know.
	I just feel for Sketch Hope that he's okay.
	He'll be fine.
	He's alive.
	That's all you want is to be alive.
	Oh, dude, totally.
	Good God.
	And even that's tough, bro.
	Sometimes if somebody was like, well, you want to be alive, someone's going to be active.
	I mean, yeah, but it's like, when I wake up every day, I'm like, fuck, here we go.
	Yeah.
	Christ in heaven.
	But if somebody right now was like, would you want to be alive or do you want to have a bison?
	Or do you want to have a really nice lunch?
	What does the lunch consist of?
	Four course lunch, soup, salad.
	From which establishment?
	It's a new place.
	Would it be in Nolins?
	It's a new place to be.
	It's a new place.
	Some Jambalazi and some, maybe a hurricane, and then Drew Brace.
	And then blue.
	He just comes out of the hums a dessert into your mouth.
	Dude, they used to have that restaurant called Lamberts with a throw the roll across.
	I love Lamberts.
	You've been there?
	Yeah, of course.
	Wow.
	Yeah, it's not my first fucking rodeo, bro.
	They would throw the roll.
	You fell to earth, you fucking wig gypsy.
	They'd throw the roll to you across town.
	I think Billy.
	Yeah, it'd be like a curveball.
	There it is, right there.
	That's the guy who'll throw the roll to you right there.
	Lambert's home of the throwed rolls, and they'll hum a bread over at you.
	Yeah, amazing.
	Right there.
	And that guy probably pays.
	Is that Kirk Cousins right there?
	It's Noxie.
	That's Kirk.
	Oh, yeah, that's an Amish dude.
	Oh, yeah.
	Now, this is way greater than anything Sketch did.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Yeah.
	I mean.
	Underhand tossing a bread roll to somebody in a full restaurant.
	I would take that guy over Kirk Cousins.
	Yeah.
	For the Vikings.
	But yeah, I just can't even believe that that's the biggest issue.
	I think him being a Texans fan for the past, however long they've been in existence.
	But I mean, they're exciting.
	I love Houston very much.
	Now, yeah.
	Yeah.
	But I mean, back in the day, yeah, they were just a little blunt.
	It was just like J.J. Watt was just trying to play every position and try to keep him alive.
	Yeah.
	Good God.
	That's why we pray.
	What else, man?
	What else is happening?
	What else is going on?
	I'm going on tour, Toilethead, NickSwartzon.net.
	Got my new special, July 18th on YouTube.
	Game on.
	And are you?
	Oh, I did see you.
	You're doing Happy Gilmore 2. You're doing Happy Gilmore 2. You're in.
	Yep.
	Wow.
	You're in.
	And you're going to play.
	I'm going to play Adam's Caddy.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	Super excited.
	Have you already read the script or no?
	There's no script yet.
	But we start shooting in the fall.
	Congratulations, bro.
	I'm excited about that.
	And then David Spade.
	I don't know what he's doing.
	I think he's homeless.
	David?
	Yeah, we pray.
	Do you know?
	Oh, there you go.
	Comedian Next Four announces he will play as Adam Sandler's Kennedy in Happy Gilmore 2. Yep.
	And how did that come to pass?
	Did Adam ask you about it?
	How does that work?
	He called me up and he goes, why?
	Why?
	Why?
	And I go, hey, what's up, man?
	No, he goes, hey, I'm doing Happy Gilmore 2. I'm like, oh, that's fucking awesome.
	Because he had turned it down for like decades.
	He was like, never wanted to do like a reboot of it or a sequel.
	And he was like, yeah.
	He's like, I don't have a script yet, but I'm waiting to play the caddy.
	And I'm like, yeah, fuck yeah.
	Amazing.
	So super stoked.
	Any opportunity for a Grandma's Boy 2, you think?
	No, I got off of Grandma's Boy 2. I turned it down.
	Really?
	Yeah, I just like sequels are so tricky, especially with comedy.
	So I was like, yeah, I just don't.
	I thought about it for a minute.
	The only sequel I ever wanted to do really bad, and I had thought of a whole concept, was Bench Warmers 2. So I really wanted to do that.
	And we lost the rights to the fucking movie.
	And they made some bonkers shit show of a sequel.
	But I had like a whole outline of it.
	That was the only one I would do a sequel to.
	Bench Warmers 2. Yeah, it's like Balls Fart or something.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, whatever.
	Mine would have been Balls Shart.
	So you'll be in that.
	That's awesome, man.
	In Happy Humor.
	Yeah.
	What else did I just see?
	I saw, oh, Steve-O is getting breast implants.
	Did you see that?
	Is he really doing that?
	I'm doing a show with him tomorrow night.
	Are you?
	Yeah.
	We're doing the Dr. Phil with Adam Rain.
	Oh, yeah.
	Feel them freaking B cups for me then.
	Yeah, I think he's going to get them for a couple of months.
	Is it a fundraiser he's doing it for?
	That's the most Steve-O thing ever.
	By the way, Steve-O's amazing.
	of them.
	But getting tits is...
	I don't know.
	Let me see.
	This says right here.
	Jackass star Steve-O confirmed this week he's going to undergo breast augmentation for a laugh during an appearance on the X5 podcast on Wednesday.
	The 50-year-old prankster said he's been thinking about getting a pair of fake breasts for years.
	I came up with the idea a few years ago to get a boob job and just film a bunch of legitimately funny hidden camera pranks with me in disguise in various disguises.
	I spoke with the doctors and I said to them, Candy Lee, the one thing I'm really freaked out about and bummed out about and would back out of this over is if I'm just going to be a mess afterwards.
	He's going to get D-cups.
	Wow.
	I wouldn't go that heavy, I don't think.
	Yeah, that's a little aggressive.
	Two months, it comes out, absolutely no issues.
	That's what the doctor told him.
	Wow.
	But D-Cups is aggressive.
	Yeah, this feels Like, why not just wear a prosthetic tit or synthetic?
	What is it?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, a few years ago to get a boob job.
	If you go through this, X5 will pay for that.
	Oh, wow.
	And I got it.
	Look, I just so happen to have my checkbook with me.
	No problem.
	It actually means a lot to me.
	Oh, my God.
	Wow.
	I'm going to see him tomorrow.
	So I'll ask him.
	I'll text you.
	That's incredible, man.
	Yeah, getting some breasts would be, What do you think, Nick?
	I mean, I don't think I want...
	I don't think I want that.
	I mean, that would be...
	Yeah.
	You're hauling some fucking weight.
	You got some mammaries right there, and you don't have a fake baby to suck on them totatic cons.
	You know what I'm saying?
	And there's no way you're not going to put your tongue on them a little if you have them.
	Well, no, you got to eat them out.
	Yeah, you want to be fucking nip.
	Yeah, I mean, I would definitely just juice box those little bad boys, you know?
	Yeah, but I want juice boxes in my test.
	Oh, yeah.
	So I want some Capri Sons and then sucking on a vacation following.
	Let me praise him.
	But yeah, I would for sure feel my would you get some?
	I don't know.
	It just seems like a lot.
	After the thing happened in Colorado, dude, people call you and like express concern.
	I was, I reached out.
	I was like, dude, what's going on?
	I know you hit me, Abby.
	You were like, what in the fuck?
	And I was like, God, I've already been through hell and back.
	I was like, yeah, I got too high in Colorado.
	I'm like, what the fuck?
	People are like, okay.
	Well, that's true.
	My bad, that was me.
	No, no, no, it's fine.
	Well, you know, you're a good friend.
	I was like, what's going on, man?
	No, it was a valid question, but I was like, you guys, like, people that like know know me.
	I'm like, they're like, yeah, okay, like, you're fine.
	You know what I mean?
	Like, I'm not like, you know, I don't, I'm not bonkers.
	It was just like a slip, you know what I mean?
	Where I was like, yeah, I just made the mistake of taking edible.
	And I still take edible.
	And I don't even do any other drugs.
	It's like people think like I'm some like cuckoo brain.
	It's like, no, I'm fucking, I know my shit.
	I'm smart as fuck.
	Did people start coming to the shows and wanting you to like do the same thing, like kind of trip out or whatever?
	Well, yeah.
	Like I said, like I did two shows sold out in Aspen.
	People were throwing edibles at me.
	And then so people afterwards were like, okay, what's going to happen?
	And I would address it on stage.
	I was very candid.
	I'm like, yeah, I had a bad day at work.
	You ever have a bad day at work and you end up on the fucking news?
	Yeah, that's a blast.
	But like my shows after that, like people can attest to that.
	Like Columbus, Omaha, Philly, Houston, like they're all great.
	Like my new set is fire.
	It's awesome.
	Nick Swartzen.net.
	You feel good about it?
	Yeah, I love it.
	I talk about Norm McDonald a lot.
	Oh, yeah?
	Yeah, I got three Norm stories that are great.
	Do you remember, did you ever go to his birthday party or anything?
	Yeah, I went to everything.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Where was one of his birthday parties at?
	I never got to go to it.
	Well, he would have ones at his house.
	Oh, yeah?
	Yeah.
	Oh, that's nice.
	But I remember one of my favorite moments is I was on tour with Sandler, Spade, and Schneider and Norm.
	And we were in Connecticut, Mohican Sun, and we were backstage.
	And Norm and I were in the hallway.
	And there was a security guard walking down.
	And he had a gun.
	Security guard.
	But like long hallway.
	So I saw it and I go to Norm, I go, hey, that guy's got a gun.
	And Norm is like really paranoid about death.
	And he goes, hey, what?
	A gun?
	That guy's got a gun?
	And I was like, yeah.
	And he goes in the sailor's dressing room.
	And it's, again, Adam, David, and Rob.
	And Norm goes in and he goes, hey, there's a guy with a gun.
	And Adam goes, what the fuck?
	Are you serious?
	Everyone's like freaking out.
	And I go, oh, no, no, no.
	I was, no, it's a security guy.
	I was joking.
	And everyone's like, what?
	And Norm goes, yeah, he said there's a guy with a gun.
	I'm like, yeah, I know.
	I was just, it was a joke.
	And he goes, why is that funny?
	And Adam's like, what the fuck is wrong with you?
	I'm like, no, I was just trying to mess with Norm.
	It's fine.
	It's fine.
	And they're like, that's a joke?
	Fucking psycho.
	And I just went to my room alone and just sat there and I was like, there's a guy with a gun.
	No, what?
	Not a gun.
	No.
	It's like, how do I do it?
	Teaching you how to do it.
	Do what?
	There's a guy with a gun.
	Yeah, no.
	It's like a little bit of a hesitation where it's like, and you got to do the hands.
	What?
	No.
	A gun?
	Yes.
	No, there's a guy.
	Oh, he's got a gun?
	What?
	The guy with a gun?
	Yeah, it's better.
	What?
	What are you called?
	What?
	The guy.
	He's dead.
	He's not a dead body.
	The guy with a gun?
	No, you're doing a dead body voice.
	The guy with a gun?
	No.
	Nah, guy.
	The guy with a gun.
	That's kind of it.
	That's better.
	That's better, dog.
	What's another impersonation you do?
	Anything?
	Morgan Freeman?
	I do a couple impressions that I will save for my new hour.
	I'm not going to spoil it.
	There he is right there.
	Look at that.
	What a fucking.
	Oh, Don Knots.
	I loved him.
	Oh, yeah.
	That was impromptu.
	It's not going well.
	I'm coming in your butt.
	That's the worst.
	Listen, man.
	Hey, your mouth was my toilet.
	That's the worst Don Knotts ever, dude.
	Not that bad.
	No worries.
	That's a Don Knott.
	That's Don Knott.
	I can do, oh, Morgan Freeman, you know.
	They said it would take a man 600 years to get out of this here prison, but Andy Duframed it in less than 20. That was Frederick Douglass.
	Oh, really?
	Where did him boys at?
	Yeah, that's Frederick Douglass, dude.
	No, you eat me out.
	Yeah, you know.
	What's something you miss about when you were younger?
	Is there anything you ever have nostalgia for ever, you feel like?
	Breaking things.
	Yeah.
	I remember like back in the day, like growing up in the 80s.
	Yeah.
	1980s.
	And I remember it was like, we would have like, okay, like go outside and play.
	Yeah.
	And I would just break things.
	I would find things in the dumpster.
	Remember dumpsters?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	And you would find like some light bulbs and then break those bitches.
	Maybe some fireworks.
	No, I don't know.
	The best was if you worked somewhere and they're like, I need you, we need you to take these fluorescent bulbs out.
	We just change those about and they would fucking explode and the powder would come out.
	Yeah.
	And then you would orgasm.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Did you, um, did you ever meet Michael Jackson or not?
	No.
	Damn.
	Not yet.
	Not yet.
	What about Spacey just did a podcast?
	Did you ever meet him?
	Kevin Spacey?
	Yeah.
	Really?
	I never did.
	I saw him at a party and he looked at my genitals.
	And that was fine.
	That's where he looks.
	Yeah.
	No, I never met him.
	He does a podcast?
	He just had a podcast.
	Is he like over his like?
	He just did one.
	Oh, is he over the allegations against him?
	I guess nothing ever happened.
	Oh, he has his own podcast going on with him.
	No, that was about his trial, not.
	Okay.
	Yeah, I don't know, like, who's canceled or what is going on?
	It's fucking weird.
	Oh, I don't think anybody's canceling where nobody gives a fuck.
	Who gives a fuck?
	Kanye got canceled.
	Nobody gives a fuck.
	The dude's still selling out tours.
	Nobody cares what somebody says in the media.
	Nobody even reads them.
	It's like.
	It's so bizarre.
	It's so ambiguous because you're like, what, like, who is, are they still, can we, I think you can kind of do whatever you want.
	It feels like, you know.
	I'm going to fucking fuck this plant.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	And then cancel me.
	That's fine with me.
	I'm going to fuck your wig.
	No.
	Yep.
	I'm going to take a shit on your wig.
	Don't do that.
	Shit wig.
	Don't.
	That's my next special.
	Buddy.
	Shit wig.
	Hey, shit wig.
	Dude, what's something?
	Tell me something else from like a, let me think of a good, oh, this was the best.
	This is the best touring story I ever heard, right?
	And I don't remember who told it to me, but they said that one night they were at, they done a show at a comedy club.
	They get off stage and their opener, they were both staying at the same hotel.
	They said right when they get off stage, some like this hot chick comes and rushes up and is like flirting with them.
	And they're like, and she's like, let's go back to my place.
	And her place was like 30 minutes away.
	So the comic was like, nah, let's just go back to my hotel room, right?
	So they go back to the hotel and she starts getting like super belligerent and is like throwing shit at him in the room and stuff.
	And like, let's go to my place.
	Let's go to my place.
	She's like, I have drugs there.
	And so finally the comedian's like, fuck, this is too crazy, man.
	And he throws her out of his room.
	She goes down the hall or when she's leaving somehow, she comes across the opener who was also staying at the hotel.
	The opener goes to, leaves with the chick, goes to her house, right?
	They take a taxi there or whatever.
	They get inside.
	The chick they're hooking up, they take some pills or the girl took a pill or something like that.
	The girl handcuffs the guy to a bed, starts giving him like a BJ, and she passes out.
	So now the dude's handcuffed to the bed.
	This chick is passed out on his lap, and he sees like some headlights come across through the windows of like a car pulling into the driveway.
	So he's like, oh, fuck.
	A man comes in, walks down the hallway, looks in the bedroom where this dude is on the bed with this chick, right?
	Goes into the kitchen or whatever, does something, comes back, gets the girl, takes her out of there, puts her somewhere, comes back in the room, tells the dude, if I ever see you at my house again, I'm going to fucking kill you.
	Blows the dude.
	I was hoping you were going to say that.
	Then lets him go, dude, and gave him all his shit and fucking sent him walking.
	The headlining comedian says like 5 a.m.
	He gets a call and it's the opener and the opener's at like a gas station or something 25 minutes away and needs some help.
	Oh my God.
	I don't know if that's a true story, but it was the guy who told it to me.
	I want to believe it's true.
	He told it was so it had all detailed.
	Yeah.
	Oh, that'd be the worst, dude.
	Why?
	The guy, did he come?
	I don't know.
	I mean, that's a valid question.
	Oh.
	It just, it's just that.
	You kind of have fucking multiple mouths on your dick.
	It just makes me sad that that's kind of stuff that's going on.
	The bait and switch type of thing.
	You're sad?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Do you cry over it?
	Do you weep?
	I wouldn't cry over it.
	But he said sadness.
	What bums me out?
	It doesn't bum you out that somebody's getting chained up at a house thinking they're going to hook up with a girl and then somebody's stepdad or whatever comes in and BJs them out No, yeah, well, yeah, if I only had a heart Yeah, no, it's amazing.
	What else?
	So one story I had so I had to do a gig in Philly.
	It was a casino.
	I had to go through Dallas.
	I had a casino in Iowa.
	So same day.
	So this is not a similar story in any way.
	Weird segue, but it was one of my favorite moments of the spring tour.
	So I go Philly through Dallas, Sioux Falls, drive to Iowa.
	Again, same day, key detail.
	So I go, and my flight's at six in the morning.
	I've got to make this show in Iowa.
	So I go to the airport 9 p.m.
	And I'm like, I'm just going to sleep at the airport.
	So I show up at 9 p.m.
	I'm like, hey, I'll just sleep at the gate.
	What airport?
	Philadelphia.
	Okay.
	So I'm like, I'll just sleep at the airport.
	And sleep at the airport?
	Yeah, I was like, I'll sleep under, I don't fucking care.
	Like, I'll just fucking sleep on the floor in front of the gate.
	What do you mean you'll sleep at the airport?
	My flight was at six in the morning.
	I've seen people sleep all the time at the airport.
	Airport?
	Yeah, I know.
	I'm like, whatever.
	Fuck it.
	So 9 p.m.
	night before.
	And I go, hey, can I just sleep here?
	And they were like, no.
	They're like, TSA is closed.
	And I'm like, oh, fuck.
	And they're like, we have a Marriott airport hotel.
	And I'm like, oh, okay.
	So I go to the Marriott, connected to the airport.
	And I go, hey, can I get a room?
	And they're like, no, we're sold out, oversold out.
	And I go, oh, motherfucker.
	I'm like, are you serious?
	And they were like, yeah.
	So I go to the airport bar at the Marriott.
	And I'm like, can I get a cocktail?
	So this couple that I'd met in Key West and they go, Nick, Swartzen.
	And I go, yeah, what's up?
	And they go, what are you doing?
	And I'm like, I'm fucking homeless.
	I'm homeless.
	I have no place to stay.
	I got to fly to Dallas tomorrow.
	And they go, oh, we're on that Dallas flight.
	And I go, oh, cool.
	And they're like, you don't have a room?
	And I'm like, no.
	So they're like, do you want to crash on our floor?
	So I just slept on this couple's floor.
	They were so nice.
	I literally slept on their floor.
	They gave me a pillow, slept on the floor.
	Oh, wow.
	And then we woke up four in the morning and made our flight.
	I made the gig and it was great.
	Did they, were they like flirt, like trying to be a swinger thing or no?
	No, not at all.
	It was just like, hey, do you want to crash?
	I'm like, I don't know what other comic would do that.
	Yeah, just sleep on a floor.
	And I vaguely knew them from Key West.
	They were really sweet.
	But I was just like, yeah, I'm just going to, yeah.
	Dude, my buddy Jiggy, he opens up with Impractical Joker sometimes.
	Okay.
	They're great, by the way.
	Those guys are awesome.
	Comedian.
	He was on a plane talking to a girl, flirting, having a good time.
	The plane ends up getting delayed.
	It doesn't leave the tarmac.
	He goes back to the gate.
	The girl kind of speaks a little bit of a different language, but the girl says, you can come and stay with me.
	So my buddy's like, holy shit, dude, I'm going to go stay at this girl's place.
	What are the odds?
	The girl, they get to the place.
	It's the girl's grandmother's house.
	Him, the girl, and the grandmother all slept in the same bed just watching a movie.
	What?
	Yeah.
	Any new pets in your life?
	I do not.
	I wish.
	Yeah.
	I travel so much.
	I love cats and dogs.
	I'm addicted, fully addicted to Instagram animal videos.
	Yeah.
	Like I spend maybe ballpark two hours a day watching animal videos and just sending them to people.
	My family.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	My friends.
	Yeah, there's something beautiful about that.
	There's something I love seeing a little animal.
	I got to meet some alpacas yesterday or not yesterday, one week ago.
	I mean, that's amazing.
	Where was that?
	It was in Utah.
	Just had a beautiful time.
	Forward to those alpacas a little bit.
	Right.
	I love alpacas.
	Here we go.
	My boy's got them.
	Hey, buddies.
	Oh, dang.
	Wow.
	Wow, bro.
	That's why.
	Quit smoking, homie.
	Dang.
	Dang.
	Beautiful.
	Wow, they're beautiful, huh?
	And their fur, that's good, brother.
	And their fur is so warm and soft.
	Their fur is so warm and soft, dude.
	And some of them look so weird.
	And look at this dude, John Rogan, dude.
	That was our bus driver.
	John Rogan?
	Yeah.
	Is he related to Joe?
	He grew up in the same town.
	Is that true?
	Yep.
	My favorite is I had lunch with Joe Rogan recently.
	And he had Genie sashimi.
	He brought a genie lamp and rubbed it.
	Genie came out.
	And Joe cut it up.
	Fucking ate it.
	Yeah.
	Oh, that's beautiful.
	Yeah, he's not afraid.
	Dude, I think sometimes I wish my fucking...
	I wish I had...
	No, because it would be so clangy when you were sitting down.
	Yeah, but not if you sit right.
	That's why you cross your legs.
	You wish you had more balls you could handle it or not?
	Or two's good?
	I think two's fine.
	I mean, ideally, I would like eight little fucking satchel.
	Little family, huh?
	Yeah, a little fucking hobo satchel.
	A little fucking stick with a fucking satchel.
	Oh, yeah.
	Like a little spider carrying their eggs or whatever.
	Exactly.
	Yeah, and then they spread and fucking disease.
	Yeah.
	Have you ever had STD or not?
	I have not.
	Not yet.
	Sure, dude.
	I'll be on tour.
	Nick Swartzen.
	Everybody lies, dude.
	You see that lady that hid those drugs in those burritos?
	Is that a euphemism?
	Drug disguised as Taco Bell burritos found during Traffic Stop.
	Great.
	Now I want Taco Bell.
	Thanks.
	Wow.
	You ever do some good blow back in the day, Nick?
	Ever?
	I was never a big Coke guy, but I did do it one time where it was like really good, like 20 years ago.
	Yeah.
	And it was like pure.
	And you guys have a long night on it.
	Do you remember that or not?
	I remember like doing it.
	It was in Atlanta, fucking ATL.
	I'll be there on tour.
	Nick Swartz.
	I just keep horring myself.
	No, but yeah, I went to some bar and I did blow with this fucking black dude, he's cool as shit.
	And then we talked philosophy all night.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, it was like one of those cocaine essations, yeah, it was just fucking chat sajack.
	We were just back and forth, and we were talking about the difference between Plato and Socrates, and then existentialism.
	It got really, yeah, it got bonkers.
	Yeah.
	Because I love transcendentalism and existentialism.
	I like Emerson and Thoreau and like I can talk, like all that stuff.
	But it was a great night.
	It was great.
	I got cornered by two brothers one time at a pizza joint, actually, out there in out there near Palm Springs.
	And they were the first people that ever talked about flat earth.
	Two brothers.
	You wouldn't expect that.
	You would.
	Yeah, you might be right.
	Yeah, you would.
	What was a pizza joint?
	It was at a casino out there.
	I was working at a casino and they had a pizza place in it.
	I don't remember the name of it.
	Okay, it was at a casino, though.
	It wasn't like a franchise.
	It wasn't like pizza.
	Yeah.
	I did a movie in southern Indiana.
	Yeah.
	And it was retarded.
	My friend Michael Rosenbaum's movie is great.
	It's called Back in the Day.
	It's awesome.
	Is it out yet?
	Yeah, it's out.
	It's on DVD.
	Oh, nice.
	Yeah, it's great.
	Great movie.
	But we were in Southern Indiana.
	And I go, do you guys have like a, like, what's a nice restaurant here?
	And they're like, we have a pizza hut.
	And that was their fancy place.
	And I was like, all right.
	So I went to Pizza Hut.
	But that was their, that was their bar.
	They were like, yep.
	Yeah, we have a fancy place.
	Pizza Hut.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Pizza is kind of like that thing wherever you put, whatever you put in it, it's still going to be, you can tell because of the roof, you know?
	It's almost like if somebody's trans or whatever, like no matter what you do, you know because of the roof what the original kind of structure was, you know?
	Right, yeah, totally.
	Like it could be a chase bank and you're like, yeah, but.
	Yeah, but what was it?
	We know there was breadsticks up here.
	Yeah.
	Also, like whatever hut is in the word, it's there's nothing classy about like, yeah, there's, let's go to sushi hut.
	No, I'm not doing that.
	Let's go to fucking China Hut.
	Yeah, yeah.
	That's not good.
	It's a hut.
	Or f ⁇ ing bistro.
	I'm like, that, I don't know if that's what we should eat at.
	Dude, we had a dude one time in our neighborhood.
	I knew we were talking about like kind of racial clothing or whatever earlier, but he had a hat, right?
	The hat said the N-word on the front, right?
	He sold this hat.
	It said the N-word.
	On the back, it said just joking across the back.
	So.
	Who the fuck sold that?
	I guess like an entrepreneur or whatever.
	I don't know what it's called.
	An entrepreneur?
	Or an entrepreneur, dude?
	Yeah.
	Hard entrepreneur.
	But it was crazy because at first I just saw the front of it and I was like, oh man, you can't.
	Go buy that.
	I was like, save me one, but I wouldn't make a lot of those, you know?
	Yeah.
	But then he goes, dude, no.
	And he turns around and says, just joking across the bat.
	I was like, oh, that's so weird.
	Yeah.
	I mean, it's just like one of those gimmicky kind of shirts or whatever.
	No, I get what it is.
	You know?
	Can you see that video where they find him?
	I thought he was a Yamaka.
	The mentally challenged guy, and they catch him.
	They accuse him of being a child predator.
	And then they make him wear a shirt that said, I went to meet up with a child and all I got was this stupid shirt.
	Can you believe that shit?
	Is that real?
	Yeah.
	Oh, that's amazing.
	People at Upnik?
	It's on TikTok, I think.
	But it's just, there's a lot of this child predator stuff now, you know?
	You see that guy, Vitali, and maybe in Bradley Martin caught a, they caught a Hollywood executive surprise.
	They surprised him at a pizza place.
	But it's crazy that just regular everyday citizens now are doing, have become officers, you know?
	Right.
	Here you go right here.
	What is your name?
	Boris.
	My name is Boris.
	Boris, what's your name?
	Shake my hand.
	What's the problem?
	What do you see with my daughter?
	You know how old she is?
	I don't know what I'm saying.
	You have no idea.
	No idea.
	You have no idea.
	What the fuck do you thought was going to happen here?
	I...
	I don't know.
	Pizza?
	Yeah, you don't know?
	How old is she?
	You know how old she is?
	I messed with her.
	She was 23. 23. Is that what the conversation looked like?
	She was 23 on a dating site.
	23. On a dating site?
	Yes.
	Yeah?
	Yeah, she was 23 years.
	How old is she?
	I have no idea.
	Lila, how old are you?
	I'm sorry.
	15. She was 23 on a dating site.
	That's good.
	She did.
	Yeah, that's Bradley Martin talking.
	Some of you guys can't see it if you're just on audio.
	But they just stopped this guy who, I guess, met up with a girl at a pizza place.
	But you're seeing a lot of this now, like vigilantes.
	Yeah.
	You're seeing it everywhere.
	Yeah, but why does it always come back to pizza?
	Yeah.
	It's a good question.
	Why don't we ban pizza?
	Yeah, because they open up a pizza sled hut.
	Did they lose their job, Nick, because of that, though?
	No, it just kind of went away.
	Oh.
	But did I thought Vitaly got kicked off a kick?
	I thought you were talking about the writer.
	I'm looking that up if he got kicked off.
	I don't know who that is.
	It's a streamer.
	These streamers, if it's a tough business, man, could you imagine that?
	Milanakis did it for a while.
	Yeah, I mean, he was like one of the originals.
	Yeah, Andy, like, started streaming way back in the day.
	I was like, what the fuck is going on here?
	Because he'd be crazy when you're around if he's just streaming.
	There's this whole universe going in, you know?
	Yeah.
	It's like you're literally stuck in the internet, it feels like.
	Well, you're just non-it's non-stop content.
	Right.
	So it's like, I can't.
	It feels exhausting.
	It feels super exhausting.
	Like, I am so tired of like just touring enough and like coming out like new special July 18th, but like you know, just touring and like doing my nonsense and like filming.
	But I can't imagine like non-stop, like having your phone like, yeah, hey, I'm here at the pizza hut.
	How old are you?
	Just like, oh my God.
	Dude, imagine if you're just trying to, this must be the worst part.
	You're sitting there, you're just trying to enjoy your meal.
	Right.
	And somebody next to you is a child predator.
	So now your meal's ruined.
	And you're in the background.
	Yes.
	So people are like.
	People are like, dude, I saw you hanging out with that child predator.
	You're like, hanging out?
	I was at table seven.
	Yeah.
	And they're like, Rick, are you affiliated with Gary?
	Who's fucking putting babies on his asshole?
	And what's in your new special?
	Is it tough to make a new special these days?
	I mean, it's hard as shit because it's like, and I think you know this, like you've done it long enough where it's like, when you have a new hour, so I have a new hour coming out again, July 18th, and then a whole new hour in the fall.
	So every time you have a new hour, it's so daunting where I'm like, can I think of another hour like after this?
	Like, I don't know if this might be my last one.
	I don't know.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah.
	Like whenever you think of a new hour, it's so hard to write like a good hour.
	Oh, yeah.
	I've had bits where I'm like, oh, this is, I'll never have another good bit.
	This is the best bit I'll ever have.
	Yeah, I'm always like, I'm done.
	This is my favorite joke.
	And this is what I got.
	And that's it.
	Yeah, totally.
	You know?
	But my new hour is fire, dude.
	Yeah.
	It's fun as shit.
	What are some of the things you're discussing?
	Like, is it about a certain part of your life?
	Is it about growing up or is it just stories?
	Or what is it?
	It's kind of like all over the place.
	Like, if you've seen my shows, which people have, it's like storytelling, one-liners.
	It's like kind of all over the map, like observational.
	Diarrhea stuff or no?
	There's a couple D-rays.
	A couple D-rays.
	I make sure my fans know.
	You show up, you're going to hear a D-ray.
	We're spraying it on the walls, homie.
	Yeah.
	Of course, poopy.
	Well, yeah, it's just crazy how there's like vigilanteism now.
	It's like, you know?
	Yeah, which is cool.
	But if it's warranted, you know what I mean?
	It's like, yeah.
	Like, what do you mean, like people listening to warrant?
	Yeah, like the band warrant.
	Jeez, my shit, my fuck it's fuck off.
	But yeah, if it's warranted, yeah, of course.
	Remember the first time somebody ever touched your genitals or not?
	Yeah, vaguely.
	Where was it?
	What count or whatever?
	It was at my family reunion.
	Ooh, yeah.
	Yeah.
	That's why we pray.
	Yeah, do we need more fucking gay animals?
	We need and we gotta support our gay animals.
	That's the thing.
	We have to.
	You know?
	Giraffes, if you see a giraffe, suck its dick.
	It's right there.
	It's hanging fruit.
	It's so big, though.
	You know how big it's going to be?
	Yeah, but why don't you just suck it up?
	What if you just suck it up?
	Dude, it'll rip your jaw open if he fucking moves over to the left or whatever.
	Yeah, why don't you get a new jaw?
	Why don't you get jaw implants?
	You're going to be in a neck brace because you try to blow some giraffe, dude?
	Yeah, then you have a great story.
	Yeah.
	And people are like, what happened to your jaw?
	Turtlehead.
	Giraffe dick.
	New special coming out.
	Our tour, sorry.
	Toilet head.
	Sorry, toilet head.
	Did you say toilet?
	Toilet head.
	I said turtle head.
	Sorry, man.
	I was in Vegas all weekend.
	My brain is rattling.
	His wig is off.
	My wig is off.
	July 18th, YouTube.
	Yeah.
	Joke from Face, then Toilet Head This Fall.
	Yeah.
	Game fucking on.
	And Sketch, we love you, dude.
	Hang in there.
	Yeah, I just can't believe that this whole time he's been a Texans fan.
	Yeah.
	Houston.
	It's a problem.
	Yeah.
	Praise him.
	Nick's Horton.
	Thanks for hanging out, dude.
	Love you, dude.
	Sorry if I was a little bit subdued today, man.
	That's okay.
	I'm fucking always subdued.
	Makes jokes from Face.
	That comes out July 18th on YouTube.
	His tour, Toilet Head.
	You can get out there now and catch him.
	Any more edibles on stage, Nick?
	You're done.
	We don't know yet.
	See how this plays out.
	Well, I wish it was a night when I could touch your body.
	She's my Gary Pie.
	Oh, yeah.
	Gary Pie.
	Dude, I love that.
	Oh, halfway there.
	Oh, Spade has no hair.
	Dude, Spade took me to his hair doctor.
	That guy's fucking 2,000 years old, dude.
	Oh, yeah.
	All right, cool, man.
	All right, praise me.
	Now I'm just fitting on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
	I must be caught in stone.
	But when I reach that round, I'll share this piece of mind I found.
	I can feel it in my bones.

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