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June 6, 2023 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

02:41:56

E447 Trevor Wallace

Trevor Wallace is a comedian, actor and content creator known for his stand-up and viral sketches online. He also hosts his own weekly podcast “Stiff Socks” with co-host Michael Blaustein. Trevor Wallace returns to This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von to chat about growing up horny in the suburbs, dating app nightmares, playing the Tik-Tok algorithm, the golden era of internet porn, bargain hunting with Gary Vee, crashing a Kyle convention in Texas, vape life, and much more. Trevor Wallace: https://www.instagram.com/trevorwallace/ ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ Morgan & Morgan: If you’re ever injured, visit https://forthepeople.com/thispastweekend or dial Pound LAW (#529). Their fee is free unless they win. BlueChew: Visit https://bluechew.com and use promo code THEO to receive your first month FREE ShipStation: Visit https://shipstation.com and use code THEO to get your FREE 60-day trial. Keeps: Visit https://keeps.com/theo to get your first month of treatment FREE! ------------------------------------------------- Music: "Shine" by Bishop Gunn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek&ab_channel=BishopGunn ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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	I want to chime in about a new tour date we have in Austin.
	We have added another show there.
	Sunday, June 11th at 7 p.m.
	at the Bass Concert Hall, and we will be there.
	I'll also be in Edmonton, Alberta, July 14th, Guilford, New Hampshire, Guilford, July 20th, Windsor, Ontario, August 18th, Niagara, Falls, Niagara.
	I don't want to say that.
	I don't want to upset any people.
	August 20th, and Toronto, Ontario.
	Toronto, sorry.
	August 27th.
	Get all your tickets at theova.com slash T-O-U-R.
	Today's guest is one of the most entertaining men on social media.
	He's been here before.
	I love getting to spend time with him.
	He has his studio right upstairs from ours.
	And it's just great to know that there's such good creative energy in the building.
	He has his Stiff Socks podcast.
	He tours.
	And he's one of the most creative young men in the game.
	Today's guest is Mr. Trevor Wallace.
	Shine that light on me.
	I'll sit and tell you about stories.
	Shine on me And I will find a song I've been singing I'm gonna sing And now I've been moving Kelly rolling, baby.
	Kelly rolling.
	We rolling.
	You seen me, Kelly rolling.
	They hate Chamillionaire?
	He's like an investor now.
	Dude, Chamillionaire, Chamillionaire was office in our first studio.
	What was he doing in there?
	In the same building.
	He was just Chamillin, I guess.
	I don't know what they do.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Yeah.
	Last I saw, he's just a big investor in a bunch of business shit.
	Yeah, he wasn't in the trenches anymore.
	You know, he wasn't.
	No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
	You know what the trenches are?
	I've heard of them.
	Yeah.
	Now, I grew up in a suburb.
	We wish we were in trenches.
	Really?
	We always thought we were in a gang, but like nobody would check us.
	Like, that's how you know when you're a suburban.
	Like, you could just say you're in a gang and everybody, all right.
	Like, nobody was like, which one?
	People would just be like, oh, me too, man.
	The time you guys meet.
	We had a meeting time for our gangs after math on Tuesdays.
	Yeah, like, if your mom picks you up from the gang, it's not really.
	Exactly, right?
	Right.
	And then she offers a ride to everybody else.
	Do you need a ride home, Riley?
	Oh, your mother's coming?
	She's a sweetheart.
	Like, fucking mom, stop, dude.
	Mom, stop.
	Stop.
	We call him fucking Gunner.
	You know, she's not even using people's code names.
	Right, right, right.
	Yeah.
	And then when your mom walks away, you look back.
	You're like, fucking bitch.
	I used to cuss moment.
	Did you ever cuss at parents?
	I used to cuss them all the time.
	No, I think we would sometimes spray paint obscenities and stuff on the mama's car.
	I remember.
	We'd tell her other people.
	Big words?
	Huh?
	Like big words or just like kind of small?
	No, just things like queer or whatever.
	Like things that didn't even really relate to her.
	It was just.
	Would people honk, be like, I'm with you.
	I mean, I don't know what people like.
	Some people, I think, showed up there at night, like thinking it was like a club or whatever.
	Like sometimes you go out there in the middle of the night and be a couple of gay dudes.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	People are knocking on the windows and be like, where do I Venmo?
	Where do I Venmo?
	Yeah, we had a spray paint that was like meant for just like, all right, but it washed off.
	So you could spray paint in somebody's car and then they'd lose their mind, but then they'd rub right off.
	Oh, that's sick.
	It was fun.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, they had this thing bust.
	People would put like a sliced meat or something on somebody's car at night.
	Oh, a shark.
	Oh, bologna.
	Bologna would take paint off a car.
	Yes.
	They have like a Honda Civic rolling around with just smallpox on it.
	It looked like somebody had done cupping on the back of it.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	On the hood.
	Damn, that civic's really working on itself.
	It's trying to find its inner core, you know?
	Got his chakras right.
	Yeah, it seemed like, yeah, it's like.
	I forgot about that.
	Oh, yeah.
	And somebody, if you really hated somebody, you put three or four slices on them.
	I mean, you would charcuterie up a damn the front of a Ford escort.
	Oh, yeah.
	If you hated somebody in the area.
	Right.
	You know, they fucking, you just gotta.
	But then the birds would pull up and be like, oh, shit, we got a charcuterie board right here.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I mean, there was one, there was one that would like turn somebody's grass a different color.
	You feel like Cheerios in it.
	Or did you ever do forking where you put a plastic forks in somebody's lawn and you snap the handle?
	That was most fucked up because it just break a lawnmower.
	Oh, really?
	You break it and then at the top you break the handle so you can't really get them out.
	We were just bored and didn't have drugs.
	Yeah, it sounds like a very low risk gang.
	Yeah.
	Did y'all have a name or anything for the gang or not?
	I don't remember.
	I just remember the initials were TFE.
	I don't remember what it stands for.
	The fucking English or something?
	I don't really know what it was.
	There's definitely a fucking in there.
	When I found out the F-word, the first time I said it to my dad, I called him a fuckhead.
	I didn't know, I knew the power of fuck, but I didn't know how to use it.
	Oh, yeah.
	So my dad said something and I was walking away from the table on my way out.
	I was like, whatever, you fuckhead.
	Then I just heard the belt coming off.
	Oh, yeah.
	Did you just hear the fondling with it?
	And I was like, oh, boy.
	Then you run to your room.
	It's like, he knows where you're at.
	That's the worst thing.
	You only had one place to go.
	And you're cornered.
	You get your ass beat.
	Papa no.
	Papa no, dude.
	It sounds like it sounds like very.
	What century was it?
	The early 90s.
	I was going to say.
	Early 90s.
	Papa no sound kind of.
	But I just try to make a connection so he wouldn't hurt me.
	Oh, yeah.
	Father.
	Yeah.
	Father.
	Tis I. Your loving son.
	If I made a connection, maybe it wouldn't hit me as hard.
	Yeah, father, it's not meant to be, father.
	It's me.
	Your dementia's kicking in.
	It's your good old pal, Trev.
	Do you want to be in the gang?
	Yeah, I remember one time my mom broke a paddle over my ass and I started laughing.
	Did you really?
	Your parents really abused you?
	They would spank you.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	It was a classic white family.
	But like, they would do that and then they'd be like, I'm only doing this because I love you.
	And they'd like hit me.
	Fucking hit me.
	Talk some shit, you know?
	Don't throw some soliloquies and it's like, hai coupon.
	Yeah, it is.
	I guess I think the thing about running to the room that is such the because as a parent, you have to be like, How dumb is this kid?
	They ran to the only place, and it's the same thing you did as a kid.
	You're like, How have we not learned?
	I just think that that was like our safety.
	It's like, I'm in my room.
	You can't, you can't get in here.
	Yeah.
	You'd be like, watch me.
	We didn't have any locks on the doors.
	You didn't?
	I had to jerk off just with the safety off every night.
	Just with God was your lock?
	Yeah.
	Just hope.
	And the light used to crack through the door.
	So I'd be like, oh, I'm going to bed.
	I'm going to touch myself.
	So I'd go to bed and then I'd put a towel.
	Most people do this to hide like smoke from weed, but I wasn't cool.
	So I put the towel under the door crack so the light wouldn't shine through because I was touching my head.
	Smoke from that freaking rub.
	Smoke in that cock.
	Just in case you were freaking, yeah.
	In case you just did it so well, you just started native and out.
	Yeah, exactly.
	They knew what was going on.
	They knew what was going on.
	Dude, I remember when a have you ever laid on your back and put your legs in the air while you jerked off?
	That's like the fucking thing you could do.
	I would never do that.
	It sounds like you might have done that.
	I haven't done that.
	You want to?
	No, I don't want to do that, dude.
	Wait, so you're saying this guy's team.
	When would you ever need to be in that position?
	You're laying on your back and your feet are in the air?
	I don't know.
	I just remember.
	I just troscopy right there.
	Yeah, I just remember seeing this very alarming drawing or something on a website.
	It could have been on a website or even like the side of a dumpster, which was like an early website.
	Oh, yeah.
	Like before they had websites, people would like write message for help on a dumpster, you know?
	Of course.
	That is true.
	You know, like my son's gay or something.
	On a dumpster?
	Is this recycling or yard waste?
	Neither.
	It's for my son.
	Can you pick what position you're going to colonoscopy in?
	Oh, well, I've wondered a little bit.
	I mean, you know, and I've long thought that a lot of misbehaving children or kids that are really bad were born doggy style.
	I've heard that.
	I feel like that's what's the most like wholesome missionary?
	Probably just jerk off into your hand and give it to her.
	Like however you want to insert this into you.
	Oh, that's very, that's like a Valentine's.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	That's like an old school Valentine's.
	Where people walk thousands of miles to get it there.
	The seed, right?
	Yeah.
	Here you go.
	Postmates.
	Postmates for Cheryl.
	Nut in the hand.
	If you were to have a kid, what position would you want to be?
	What's it called when you conceived?
	Yes.
	Well, that was what I thought.
	I thought years ago, and I've long thought that children conceived in doggy style positions are more likely for things like crops.
	They got a dog in them.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, they just.
	The labradoodle.
	something about it.
	Yeah, I think if you throw...
	Yeah, I mean, the kind of kid where why their parents are making love, you fucking...
	That's that dog, baby.
	That's that dog right there.
	You think, what do you think the type of kid would be if the girl's on top and then that's how it's conceived?
	You think the kid, maybe it's like tall, maybe a little like posture?
	Good posture.
	I definitely think good posture.
	Straight, I don't like people with good posture.
	It feels like they know something that we don't.
	Well, it feels like they're working for somebody.
	Yeah.
	It feels like somebody who's trying really hard to blend in and be a human.
	Yes.
	And like if you asked him what his name was, he would know it.
	He would say it like too quick.
	Rick Robert.
	Rick.
	Yeah.
	I'm Rick.
	It would have a question mark.
	I'm Robert.
	Rick.
	Robert.
	Yeah.
	And it's just like this.
	I don't know.
	It just feels weird.
	I'm Rick.
	Like they start, like the, it starts glitching afterwards, like, you didn't get the update or whatever.
	Yeah.
	Like, he's probably like trying to read a bowl of alphabet soup.
	Like, he could really quickly if he wanted to.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Just start yelling all the letters.
	I'm Rick.
	And then he's like, starts, like, if you don't get the update, the guy gets gay or something.
	He's like, I'm Rick.
	Like, what?
	How much does the update cost?
	Because the update costs like $59.99.
	Well, you can also like hack updates.
	But then if your son, like your good postured son, is now a gay son.
	Everybody's like, oh, you can't afford to make your son straight.
	You won't get the update.
	I think it'd be more expensive to make your son gay.
	I think it's an upgrade to be gay.
	Yeah, that's true.
	You get better style.
	You always have energy.
	You ever seen a gay dude yawn?
	Yeah.
	Uh-uh.
	Just always on.
	Dude, I've never seen a gay dude yawn.
	They're just too pumped.
	They just got life.
	Also, I just, I think you need a couple gay dudes in your corner because they're just opinionated.
	They will give it to you straight.
	Like, like, like, bro, like just as, like, every dude at Barstool, like, you could ask them a question.
	They'll be like, yeah, bet, for sure.
	Aha.
	But you can be like, oh, yeah, is this a good outfit?
	But yeah, for sure.
	But like a gay dude will be like, good outfit for what?
	Dumpster diving?
	And you're like, right, that right there.
	I need that in my life.
	Right.
	They'll put you in check.
	Right.
	Yeah.
	Like, fighting your stepdad?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Did you ever run away from your parents when you were a kid?
	Oh, dude.
	I remember I ran away.
	Yeah.
	I ran away.
	What would you pack?
	Would you pack anything or would you use a raw dog life?
	I remember the second I was born, I remember being across the room.
	You got shot put it out?
	I ran away.
	There it goes, Steel.
	But the cord is still on?
	Oh, dude.
	I think I remember tying the cord like the nurse's foot just to keep people occupied.
	Oh, like you're surfing?
	Like, no, just to confuse them, you know?
	Oh, really?
	Because that thing's a fucking house arrest.
	I wonder how many babies think that's their dong.
	Are they like, damn, I'm packing them?
	Out of the gate?
	Yeah.
	And the doctor's like, oh, no, we got to cut that one.
	And then we got to cut the other one.
	Yeah, I don't know.
	I do remember, I remember trying to run away, man.
	I remember going to the post office because I thought somebody could mail me somewhere.
	You were a light baby?
	In our town.
	No, I think when I was like probably 10 or something like that.
	11. Okay.
	Just rode my bike over there.
	And I remember thinking that somebody could mail me somewhere.
	Maybe not 10, maybe 11. With the bike or no?
	I don't know.
	I just remember finally getting to the post office.
	It wasn't that far, but it was like maybe about five miles.
	And I got there.
	And I was like, the first person that I saw that looked nice or like concerned or whatever.
	Somebody combed their hair.
	I was like, I got to get out of town.
	Where did you want to go?
	Anywhere.
	Yeah.
	That's funny.
	Just go to the post office, send me anywhere.
	Yeah.
	My dad had a friend who robbed a bank on a bike when he was 14. Oh, yeah.
	Which is hilarious.
	That's the same mentality of running to your room when your parents are about to hit you.
	You're like, where are you running to on a bike?
	Skate park?
	I don't like Kmart.
	You're really anywhere.
	Yeah.
	But he got caught.
	He did?
	Yeah, they just put a stick and a spokes.
	I don't know how they caught him, but yeah, dude, as a 14-year-old on a bike, like you're going to get caught.
	Oh, yeah, they had two brothers in our town.
	They were twins, or if they were, they weren't twins, they were brothers.
	And they did a drive-by shooting on a bike in our town.
	Bear Bear.
	One of them named Bear Bear, and I don't know what the other one named.
	Was it a tandem bicycle, or they were just riding next to each other?
	A tandem drive-by would be hilarious.
	Moody or something.
	Maybe Bear Bear and Moody.
	But they were brothers, and one of them was on the handlebars.
	Yeah.
	And he did the shooting.
	Oh, on the handlebars?
	Yeah.
	It's honestly kind of cute.
	I think it would be so hard because like – Yeah, and you're kind of already balancing yourself up.
	That'd be kind of tight.
	Oh, that'd be sick.
	How do we see that in the South where dudes will just on a dirt bike or like Atlanta type shit?
	There's your wheelies on, just like on a dirt bike through town.
	That makes me feel, you know, good.
	I like seeing that.
	Well, that's the new, like the cavalry's coming when you see a batch of like, yeah.
	Because you'll see some of that.
	And that is one of the most, there must be something about those, those bike riding, because that is the most diversifying thing.
	People, all ethnicities come together to do those things.
	The wheelies?
	Yeah.
	That is true.
	I was just in Indianapolis over the weekend.
	There was a whole bunch of that.
	It's just a red light and somebody pulls up.
	Sounds loud as hell for no reason.
	That's the worst, dude.
	Yeah, I was out there at Gary VCon.
	Have you ever met Gary?
	You went to VCon?
	Yeah, I went there to go film a video.
	It's bizarre.
	How was?
	Yeah, I talked to Gary.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I talked with Gary about it online, but it started once it was named VCon.
	To me, that was a, it seemed a little, it made me kind of wonder what's going on.
	What am I getting involved in?
	It was, it's exactly picture VCon right now.
	That's it.
	Whatever you're thinking about, what are you thinking about?
	Yeah, like people bothering people about money.
	Yeah, it was a lot of like bright colors and people who may have not seen a tit in a while.
	Oh, yeah.
	I didn't even talk about it.
	I mean, look, Gary's a very nice guy and he like fires these people the fuck up.
	The funniest thing he said, we watched his speech on the last night and we walked in at a random part and I walked in on him going, fuck your grandparents.
	And I'm like, that's the energy I need in life.
	I'm like, they are past R.I.P.
	Love you both, but like, fuck them, you know?
	Like, that's just where he's at in life.
	Yeah, he and I, like, oh, I mean, I totally respect kind of a lot of people.
	I respect him too.
	I respect his acumen, you know?
	Yeah.
	I think, but he also like, but he tells people crazy shit.
	He'll be like, you know, oh, you got to, like, there's videos of him like meeting a guy in a park and the guy's like, I sold all of our silverware.
	I sold my baby high chairs.
	I sold everything.
	I made $720, you know.
	And Carrie's like, he like hugs him.
	He's like, that's great.
	The guy's like, yeah, we're not staying.
	We're living in this park.
	We're cutting down all costs.
	And then it pans out and him and his family are living in a fucking park, right?
	And then Gary's like, you're doing wonderful.
	He fix it over.
	And he goes, that's from me to you.
	You got to start from the bottom to be at the top.
	And you were too humble.
	He talks like just like a crazy person in front of a 7-Eleven, but he's so convincing at it.
	Like, if you walk past a guy at 7-Eleven, be like, fuck your grandparents.
	You'd be like, sure.
	Right.
	I get that.
	But then you get one of those tiny headsets, like the little TED Talk ones.
	And I'm like, yeah, you know what?
	Fuck them.
	I agree.
	He makes a lot of good points, but it's just good stuff.
	Well, I think it's you, all there's always people that are giving like guidance and inspiring people.
	Inspiring is nice because I think it's hard to get inspired.
	And so if Gary Vee inspires you or whoever you find that inspires you, you know, that's great.
	No, he was very good at it.
	He could say anything and you put like enough of an emphasis or like an exclamation point every couple words and you're in.
	Yeah, the guy's like, are you still using silverware?
	He'll ask me, are you still using silverware?
	Like, I was like, yeah, yeah.
	He's like, you could sell those.
	You could easily sell those silverware and be up $25, $28.
	Exactly.
	You know, yeah, you have to put food in your mouth of your hand.
	Yeah, you ever see the videos of him going to garage sales?
	They're the funniest thing about it.
	It's insane.
	Dude, I mean, he's almost, he has like $150 million to his name, but he'll go to a garage sale and be like, how much for this Ficus treat?
	And they're like, oh, $7.
	And he goes, I'll give you four.
	And they're like, oh, well, I mean, okay, we really need it.
	We just need a liver transplant by Tuesday, right?
	He'll do that.
	And then he'll walk away and be like, fucking got him.
	That was a steal.
	Dude, it's, it's hilarious.
	That was, I made a video about this because that's why we got connected.
	Really?
	Yeah, I made a video kind of just talking shit how he like literally just lowballs poor families in like Des Moines.
	Yeah.
	Like he like hardballs them.
	Like he'll walk up and they'll be like 100 bucks for this and then I'll be like, let me play hard to get goes to his car, rips some K, walks back and he's like, we'll do 68. Carrie, please, our son is, our son has one tooth.
	He's been eating applesauce out of a tube for eight years and he's like, I'll give you three.
	It's electric.
	I like your son.
	Yeah, I love that type of energy, though.
	Good.
	But he also, he was born like with wine.
	He was like from a wine fortune.
	So that's the only thing, like, I'm not knocking it, but it's like, has it always just been, has he always had money?
	Like, is it really, I don't know.
	Is it really, if you don't have any money?
	I forget the backstory, but I think there was something where like he like started the family business, something with the winery.
	I don't really know what happened, but yeah, I don't know, dude.
	He was convincing as fuck.
	And it's like, you want to laugh, but then you leave there a little fired up.
	You ever been to a black church?
	Oh, yeah.
	Dude, those get you fired up.
	They're so much better than regular church.
	They got a drum set.
	Yeah.
	I've been to regular.
	I'm Jewish, but I went to like regular church a few times.
	And I was like, but after going to a black church and then going to that, I was like, this shit is boring.
	Oh, dude, black church is definitely, yeah, you like.
	You feel the Lord.
	Oh, you feel the Lord.
	And somebody will splash fucking hot grease on your back during the middle of it.
	Like, you don't even know what's going on.
	Like, you don't know if somebody just ripped open like a lunch plate real fast or if some lady just like whipped her hair.
	Like you'll see a black lady.
	She'll have a fucking plant.
	She'll be watering a plant in her hair during the fucking sermon, dude.
	People are dressed up.
	You're giving you a grape or something.
	Oh, everybody smells good, dude.
	The Lord will pass through the room.
	Dude, at one point, like, I wanted to give more.
	I already donated, but I was like, send that bitch back.
	I want to donate more.
	Oh, yeah.
	What's the ball?
	Whatever.
	I don't know.
	But this shit, it was like three hours.
	And I mean, man, it had an arc.
	Start out slow.
	You feel the closing bit.
	Then it was the grand finale.
	And I just want to throw my wall in the damn air and be like, I'm converted.
	And then just throw it up there.
	Oh, I'll throw it up.
	Fuck my bar mitzvah.
	Yeah, yeah.
	I'll throw my fucking dick in the air and catch it in my mouth, dude.
	You know what I'm saying?
	If it, if it, if the, if it, if it calls for it, but I'm like, if God calls for it, if God calls for that, if that's what I mean, I've been in him.
	Well, the first funeral I ever went to, man, was a black guy.
	How did he die?
	He died.
	He was the biggest guy in our town.
	His name was Ricardo.
	Buff or just kind of large?
	He was buff.
	He was like a man-child.
	It was like as if you saw like a nine-year-old child, but he was like, I mean, he was probably 6'4.
	Damn.
	And I bet he weighed.
	He was 9?
	He weighed 2. No, he looked like a nine-year-old, but he was probably, I guess we were in 11 or 12. Maybe he was 6'2 ⁇ , 6'4 ⁇ .
	He might have been 6'4 ⁇ .
	He was the biggest.
	He was the biggest kid in our town.
	He was, you've never seen nothing like it.
	They didn't have it.
	You know, when you saw it.
	He should have just been the mayor.
	Oh, he was.
	I mean, he definitely.
	He could fucking keep the sun off of you.
	He was fucking big.
	I bet he would fuck shit up and dodgeball.
	Oh, dude, he was just, he could do whatever he want.
	The birds knew him.
	The birds knew him.
	I mean, you see a bird come fucking.
	You knew him.
	He was fucking big, dude.
	He was big.
	How do you pass?
	He was playing basketball.
	It was like a little league basketball game.
	And I think 11 and 12 year olds.
	And he had a heart attack and died.
	Really?
	Was he on Natty or was he on the Roids?
	He wasn't on anything.
	He was just on just two miles.
	I think he had his heart.
	They said he had an enlarged heart.
	I don't know what that means.
	What does that mean, Zach?
	I thought you looked that up.
	Just the heart of a grown man and a young boy's body.
	It could have been it.
	I wish I had a grown man's penis when I was 12. Do you?
	Kind of.
	Oh, you don't want to.
	I had that.
	You had that or you have it?
	I had it as a child.
	You were packing as a child?
	Yeah, did you get another?
	Where the fuck would I know that?
	I was born with an adult's genital, yeah.
	Just, damn, ball and penis or just ball or just penis?
	I think it's the whole thing.
	Wow.
	So when did you know that?
	Like, when did you look down one day and you're like, oh, I'm packing more than the average?
	Oh, I remember seeing other, I remember seeing some other kids like wieners and not even noticing.
	And then my wiener I felt like looked like Florida.
	And I was like, oh, damn, dude, my wiener, like, people are going to show up on my wiener in the summer.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	You're like, is that Alabama in there too, dog?
	We're packing.
	And I just remember like, just being so uncomfortable.
	Yeah.
	Cause, and I remember sleeping at night and feeling it under my body.
	Really?
	And it was just a nightmare.
	Do you have to like tucking in and shit too?
	Yeah, it was embarrassing.
	Embarrassing?
	Yeah, because you were just abnormal.
	No kid, no five-year-old's like, yeah, who's got a big dick?
	You know?
	And if they ask that, they're definitely not five.
	The 48-year-old man on the internet, who is big dick?
	Also, other five-year-olds enter.
	So did you grow into it or are you just steady packing?
	No, I just grew into it.
	Oh, wow.
	But yeah, I have some abnormality.
	But let's look at that in large heart.
	I just want to know what it's called.
	In a large heart in a child.
	I've lost two friends actually to basketball playing hard with enlarged heart.
	And in large heart, cardiomegaly.
	What is it, Zach?
	Well, it says it's usually caused by another condition.
	Like it's a side effect, but it can be caused by damage to the heart muscle or any condition that makes the heart pump harder than usual.
	And then.
	Hearts just be gone.
	That's crazy.
	Every day he working.
	He never taking Labor Day off.
	It may also be a sign of a prior heart attack.
	Is that run in the family?
	I think so.
	Heart attacks do?
	Isn't that crazy when something runs in the family?
	You're just like, you just have to take that with a grain of salt.
	Like, oh, all right, breast cancer runs in the walls, genes.
	Cool.
	Yeah.
	Oh, my tits don't.
	Can men get breast cancer?
	Don't clip this.
	I don't know how fucking the human body works.
	What do you mean?
	Like, can men get breast cancer?
	Or do you got it?
	You can?
	Yes.
	Okay.
	Do they call something different chest cancer?
	I've got something.
	I don't know what it is.
	You ever felt something in there?
	Sometimes when I drink too much, I feel like I have it.
	I'm like, I don't know where my liver is, but I feel it beating extra today.
	Oh, yeah.
	If your liver is beating, then yeah, you probably need to take it in.
	Sometimes I just get pain in the middle of my chest.
	And then I remember a girl's dating at a time.
	She's like, oh, it's heartburn.
	I was like, is it?
	It's been three days.
	I think it's just like, it could just be your bitch signal.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Like, you could, we could just be a little bit signal.
	IBS, I'd be bitch signaling.
	I'd be bitch signaling.
	You got pain right there?
	Sometimes, dude, yeah.
	What happens when you wake up?
	Is your body just good to go or you just got pain?
	No, I think these days I fucking want to vape or are you off the vape signal?
	Go down on a stranger.
	That's a woman.
	In what order?
	Either one.
	I think just you want something to kind of get you going.
	One of the first porns I ever saw was a girl smoking a cigar out of her pussy.
	Oh my God.
	Really?
	And it was like...
	It was like an advertisement.
	But I remember I was just so young.
	I was just like, I was turned on for both reasons because I wasn't old enough to smoke, but I also wasn't old enough to stroke.
	Come on now.
	So I saw the cigar and the vagina and I was like, those are both so cool.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, it was wild.
	Oh, wow.
	Yeah.
	Because I feel like there was always some kid who, like, like, you knew he would show you porn, but then his older brother would be like, yeah, but you want to see that pussy smoke a hookah?
	Like, he had the next level.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Yeah.
	You want to see this labia throw a grenade?
	You're like, damn, okay.
	This laby is in a hot tub making lasagna.
	He's like, oh, you want to see this uvula eat a half a bag of Skittles?
	You're like, damn.
	Yeah.
	But like, I feel one dude always had the porn, but like somebody close to him had next level porn.
	Yeah, you want to see this urethra do a zen?
	You're like, right.
	Oh, right.
	Yeah, all right.
	The six milligrams?
	Oh, shit.
	Yeah, I feel like for whatever reason, like that was like drug dealing back then was like, it's like, yeah, somebody, somebody always had like, oh, you know, whenever you buy weed, they're like, oh, this is the best in town.
	Somebody would always be like, yo, it's the best porn you can find on some random website.
	Really?
	You could go to whitehouse.com and it was porn because the white house was like.gov is like the official one.
	But like, I remember you, oh, we got a head nod.
	See, producers always know that porn life.
	Yeah, I was like the oldest church in the book in like 2001.
	But that was so cool because my parents just thought I was doing homework every night.
	Exactly.
	They're like, oh, this motherfucker just loves George Bush.
	No, I love being off to Bush.
	What are you talking about?
	Because you could just go to whitehouse.com and your parents wouldn't associate the two.
	Wow.
	See, when I was a child, they didn't have internet.
	So we had to, you had to fucking get somebody who knew something about some cooter.
	You had to fucking have somebody tell you or somebody describe it.
	Yeah.
	Or like you'd lay in the dark at night, and one guy, his job is to kind of try and make the sounds of like a vagina so that other people could enjoy it, you know?
	Yeah, yeah.
	Or like your boys.
	If you were doing a sleepover, you know?
	Yeah, of course.
	Or like one of your boys buries you at the beach and then he puts sand tits on you.
	Oh, yeah.
	You ever do that?
	And he put the two seashells over it so it's like scantily clad.
	Yeah.
	And then you have a little sand, like some of the sand just starts to like elevate above your wiener.
	Like, damn, brother.
	But if you can move earth with your wiener like that, boy, that's positive.
	My God, I bet some dad would look over and be like, that's my boy.
	That's the tectonic plates, though.
	Like, is that the earth just doing there?
	It's getting bricked up.
	Like, when there's earthquakes, the Lord's fucking bricked.
	Yeah, or just creating a vagina or something.
	Bumping and grinding.
	It's got to be, huh?
	So you didn't have internet.
	I feel like my early on-porn days was like, girls gone wild.
	Like, do you remember those commercials where the girls would have the stars over their nipples?
	I don't know what it was.
	Like, we had all seen.
	Yes.
	It was like, what was, like, we just needed to know what was behind that star.
	Like, we knew what a tit looked like, but I'm like, I need to know what those look like.
	And whatever happened to that guy who created that site, Joe, what's his name?
	I think he's in jail.
	Yeah, I heard that.
	I think he actually.
	That or like probably Tucson or something.
	Yeah.
	Tucson, which is basically just outdoor jail.
	It's free play jail.
	Yeah.
	It's like no bars jail.
	Yeah.
	It's like you can roam, but do you want to?
	You just stay at this chili's all day.
	Yeah, dude, I used to go to school in Tucson, man.
	Did you?
	You went to Dirty T?
	I went to Santa Rita High School, man, for one semester, and people would always fist fight in the car wash dog after school.
	You box, dog?
	You box.
	We did body blows at our school.
	Body blows, no face shots.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah, so you could just punch each other in the torso a bunch, but no face.
	Oh, it sounds like a really tough gang.
	Yeah, dude, that's how we found the leader of our gang.
	But one time, I ducked down, a body blows got hit in the face, and that was on me.
	You took a body blow in the face?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	That was on me, though.
	Because I ducked.
	I was a bitch.
	Oh, yeah.
	Dude, I'm not tough at all.
	Oh, bitching will really fucking...
	It can really, it won't ruin it.
	It'll be interesting.
	Oh, dude, people knew I was a bitch.
	I was wearing really.
	Yeah, because I'd wear like Heely's with no heels.
	You know, they'd be like, what are you wearing those dumbass shoes for?
	You can't even Heely.
	So the wheel on the back, but no wheel in it?
	Yeah, no wheel.
	It was just an empty area.
	Like, I was just like, like, anytime somebody's like, you want to go body blows?
	I'd be like, no, please, no.
	I don't want to do this.
	We do tech deck together.
	Yeah, if you say, please, no, that's bad, dude.
	Dude, I remember one time I accidentally, I went to hit a guy in the shoulder and he ducked and I hit his nose and he had a bloody nose.
	And then he kept fucking with me all day in science.
	And then he's like, this Saturday, we're going to fight.
	I'm bringing my brother.
	Meet me there.
	And I didn't show up because obviously I didn't have an older brother.
	I had an older sister with a fat rack.
	So I'm like, what the fuck am I supposed to do?
	And then on Monday, he's like, yo, you didn't show up.
	I'm like, yeah.
	He says, let me just pencil in this ass beating real quick.
	Did you fight a lot grown up?
	Well, one thing at a time.
	One thing at a time.
	Oh, sorry.
	What are we talking about?
	Trevor Wallace is here.
	Oh, yeah.
	Thank you, man.
	Thanks for having me.
	Yeah, yeah.
	It's fun to see you, bro.
	You're still crushing it on socials.
	I don't see how you keep doing it.
	I don't know, man.
	But you keep doing it.
	I'm trying to.
	It's amazing.
	I want to find out about this Joe guy, and then we can.
	Oh, the guy from Girls Gone Wild.
	Yeah, Girls Gone Wild.
	That's what I checks out.
	Long story short, he filed for bankruptcy, moved to Mexico, and there are allegations that some of those girls were underage.
	So he's kind of just floating, it seems like.
	Wow.
	He looks like that, and he's married to a woman, Abby Wilson.
	I think they're estranged, according to this article.
	Because there was a big expose on Girls Gone Wild last year, I believe.
	So since then, there's some extra heat on it.
	What does estrange mean?
	They don't like each other anymore.
	Oh.
	Yeah, separated from each other.
	So, because, yeah, remember that was the crazy, and that was like where kind of they had like the girl.
	It was almost like where kind of bang bust started a little bit.
	When they have girls in the van or something sometimes and like, show your tits.
	They'd be like, I don't want to, but I will in a minute, right?
	And then they show me, they put the stars over me.
	Well, censor.
	Yeah, that was like, because now TikTok is, it's kind of that, but without the tits, they just ride up to a hot girl and be like, what's your body count?
	It's like, well, fuck all that.
	Put the stars on the tits.
	How do you pitch that idea?
	You got to be coked out as hell to go to your boy and be like, you still got that?
	You still got that camcorder?
	I know.
	I got that partying, dude.
	I've ran into girls who got on this, who are on Girls Gone Wild over the years.
	Like, yeah, I was on Girls Gone Wild a while back.
	They were just smoking out of their neck holes.
	Oh, yeah.
	They're like, yeah, somebody fucked this hole into my neck.
	I'd be like, you have a lung problem?
	They're like, no, somebody just did sex right into my neck.
	I just needed more holes, more ventilation.
	Put the drop top in the throat.
	For a convertible right here?
	Would you put that in there if you could just close it without anybody noticing?
	Yeah, I think so.
	Yeah.
	Might as well.
	I think the human body should be upgraded.
	I got a pee so much.
	I'm like, how can I get more storage on my phone, but not in a bigger bladder?
	Oh, definitely.
	I need at least half a terabyte of one of my legs for this piss.
	I also think my brain is at capacity.
	Oh, God.
	Because you got to kick out memories from like fourth grade just to learn how to parallel park at some point.
	But that's vital memories in fourth grade.
	You found out like National Geographic had tits in it?
	Oh, dude.
	When we saw them long, they had a set of long darts in one of the National Geographic episodes.
	Because it was the first time you saw a black tit in the area.
	Just a tit in general.
	Well, yeah, there wasn't a lot of like, first of all, the porn, when I first saw it, it was very, it was like people, like it was people that had the same kind of haircut, kind of having sex from far away.
	And there was a lot of music in the background.
	You couldn't even really hear the people.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	So there was a lot of like, you don't even know if that music was from you or the TV.
	It was just coming from.
	They did more with the soundtrack back then.
	Like they cared more about the music and the ambiance that went with it.
	They said the tone.
	Than like hearing what the people were saying.
	Yeah.
	And then it evolved.
	So you get some of that, but you didn't have your phones.
	You couldn't just play porn wherever.
	So if you went outside or left the television or whatever, there was no porn.
	At that point, you had to see somebody that could do some art or you'd have to, you know, we've talked about it before, but somebody had chiseled a set of tits into a like a birch that had been hit by lightning, just like half of a tree by us.
	Oh, that's great.
	And so people would go out there and just cream out to that.
	And would you like try to like hide the tree like you were to clear your browser history?
	Like, would you try to like like undiscover it?
	Like that way nobody else could see it?
	Maybe somebody had like leaned a branch or something like that.
	Just to hide it from, you know, because you don't want to like, you want to gatekeep a little bit.
	Yeah.
	That's my porn.
	Yeah, this is mine, but you'd get back there and you'd, you could tell other people had been back there.
	There'd be a cigarette or half a can of Beanie Wayne.
	Oh, yeah.
	Somebody chiseled, I came here in 1993.
	Somebody just, like a heart and it was just like Rick, but it'd be like Rick plus, but also just Rick again.
	Rick plus Rick Dick.
	Damn.
	Yeah, Rick.
	I feel like when you were younger, you didn't look for porn.
	Porn just found you.
	Like you wouldn't be looking for it.
	Like you just open up a book and you're like, oh, damn, I got tits on page 48. It blew your, I mean, you would get porn wherever you could.
	Like in science, Sex Ed was such a, like people would dress up.
	I mean, I were, you know, people would wear their Sunday best, but we're a cologne to sex.
	You know, it'd be like, you guys knew when it was?
	Well, yeah, you knew the year that it was.
	And you were like, God, are we ready?
	And I remember people outside of the fucking classroom, like slapping each other in the cheeks.
	You know, it's one guy putting ice on another guy's like neck and back.
	You know, it was crazy.
	He threw his neck out when he learned.
	Tomorrow's sex.
	He's like, oh, fuck.
	Yeah, like Mike Brown was his coach.
	He was like, it was his, like, he had a corner man.
	Really?
	You know, get in there.
	We didn't get no like lead up to it.
	It was just like, all right, class, get your dicks out.
	It's sex ed day.
	Like, there was no build up.
	Like, we just learned, like, we had no idea.
	Wow.
	So they just sprung it on us.
	And then we'd have to play it cool.
	Do you remember the first time that you were attractive to a woman?
	I do.
	Or were you always the kid that was like, kind of got the girls some?
	No, I never, I never really got a lot of women.
	I do remember the first time this, like the first girl that came back with a rack after summer, that was like, that was big.
	That was like when they built a new like Tesla charger station in town.
	You're like, everybody knew about it.
	This girl, Jamie, she showed up in sixth grade and she was racked out.
	And like, it was a talk.
	The teacher was like trying to talk about like long division.
	We're like, fuck all this.
	Have you seen the C Cups?
	Yeah.
	Fuck all this.
	Even the teacher was like, goddamn.
	Yeah.
	Have you seen the square root of them fucking those fucking lung nuggets?
	D squared, yeah.
	How much can how big can tits be on a, and I don't want to say on a child because we've said this kind of stuff before.
	But this is what we're looking up.
	Do you understand what I'm saying?
	All right.
	See, this is the problem.
	Go incognito.
	Yeah, see, that's what you have to do is before you type and say for a podcast and then colon and then do it.
	This is your internet.
	Yeah, or just because I'm not curious and I'll never look anywhere.
	You got to open the browser, just Chris Hansen with two Glocks.
	You interviewed him, yeah?
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	Yeah, the guy stopped hundreds of pedia files, man.
	Yeah, there was an episode where his friend walked in.
	Uh-uh.
	Yeah.
	He's like, oh, fuck, is that so-and-so?
	That's got to be tough.
	Yeah.
	What happened, Zach?
	Yeah, I don't have details on this question yet.
	What do you get if you put that in?
	The Texans Children's Hospital breast development questions.
	Okay.
	Well, this is kind of like what you said.
	If you go back one page.
	Oh, here's a good question.
	Why are my breasts big?
	First of all, it should be plural at a young age.
	But that's kind of what you had, but with a wiener.
	That's true.
	So imagine going to bed one night and you can't lay all the way down because you suddenly have tits.
	That's got to be crazy for a girl.
	You can't get massaged.
	You can't do anything.
	You're just up.
	You're just always planking.
	Oh, yeah.
	That's crazy, dude.
	Whole life is a plank.
	Yeah, I don't know, man.
	Dude, I was a late bloomer.
	Yeah.
	I remember in PE, everybody had like deodorant and like armpit hair.
	Dude, so I had this like giant stuffed animal in my room.
	Probably made love to it.
	Definitely made love to it.
	And I used to cut the hair off it and put it in my armpit because I wanted armpit hair that bad.
	Just see what it looked like.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah.
	What color was it?
	Blue was black.
	So it didn't match any of my ginger tones at all.
	But I'd put water on my armpit and then I'd put it in there.
	And I'd look in the mirror and be like, dude, this could be me one day.
	Yeah.
	And I still do that to this day.
	I love that.
	It's amazing.
	Yeah.
	You weren't a late bloomer.
	If you had implants, arm hair, armpit hair, if you had armpit hair, implants.
	Oh, dude, I was just putting Rogaine on every morning.
	Is that old spice?
	No, it's Rogane.
	Dude, I distinctly remember, like you said, when you went to PE and somebody had deodorant for the first time that was a kid, it blew your mind.
	You're like, oh, now we have to get deodorant.
	This is where I learned, like, okay, yeah, I use deodorant.
	Like, what do you use?
	You know, when you start, you would name like dish soap or something.
	You would name it.
	Like the wrong thing.
	Yeah, exactly.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I remember just, I wanted to.
	Yeah, like Reebok.
	What do you guys use?
	Reebok?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	What do you, Roland?
	Is that axe?
	Yeah, I know.
	I use a machete.
	Every day I saw somebody doing that.
	Like, I remember the first day I had armpit sweat, I was excited.
	I was like, this is puberty.
	It's knocking.
	You know, I remember when I had like a little like blonde mustache.
	Yeah.
	I was like, I'm not shaving this shit.
	I'd rather look like I sell used Taquitos with this mustache.
	Yeah, dude.
	Oh, especially on a guy like, I think red-headed guys are guys that lean Auburn or gins.
	Yeah, lean more red.
	Or gangers, they call them.
	They are, you guys are almost adopted into the black community.
	I feel like you guys are.
	We do get shit on a lot.
	No, no, a lot of like wiggas, as they say, which is a popular term from the past 100 or 150 years.
	You guys are often, they're often gingers or gangers.
	Yeah, I do feel that.
	Yeah, my first job, I was the only white guy there.
	When I first moved to L.A., it was like 80 black dudes and me, and it was one of the best jobs of my life.
	They respect you guys a lot more, I think.
	Let's pull up Wiggas and see what they've been doing, if you don't mind.
	Let's see where they pulled their S-Corp.
	What have they been doing?
	Been selling whippets.
	And just click on images and let's see who we get.
	Yeah, that's what is this is where the Girls Gone Wild guys should be.
	Is that Hollywood Wiggers?
	What is that?
	Wait a sec.
	Yeah, that sounds like...
	That does look like him.
	San Diego does have a high breed of this.
	Now, there you go.
	Where do you think spawns this person?
	What city comes to mind when you think of this?
	I think of Little Rock.
	Oh, yes.
	Little Rock.
	Something about that.
	Yeah, my friend Justin is from Arkansas, and he likes to gun down them gobblers over there, but he said that there is a lot of wig-esque.
	So what are these behaviors that are also on here?
	This has nothing to do with the white guy with the orange Camaro.
	Let's go to this diagram.
	I guess there's also a popular diagram called the Wiggers diagram.
	Well, what is that?
	It's a standard diagram using cardiac physiologically named after Dr. Carl J. Wiggers.
	Dude, come on.
	Carl J?
	Dude, you got to go by just Carl J at that point.
	So people are going to learn about this in school?
	I don't know what this is.
	I mean, dude, our chart looked way different.
	It was a ginger dude.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And it cross-sectioned with the UNC basketball tier.
	And he had a yo-yo and a vape for some reason.
	That'd be so funny if you open up that page.
	And he drove a Honda Civic dude, which was the number one car.
	But he, like, chipped off the word Civic and put like BMW logos on there.
	There's nothing better than that.
	When somebody takes like the Chrysler 300, puts like a Bentley logo on it.
	Those people come off insane, but I respect it.
	Oh, I respect that too.
	It's just like you're, because that's all the car is sometimes is just an extra emblem, you know?
	Yeah, 100%.
	What was your first car?
	My first car was a 1984 Ford Escort, and I paid cash for it.
	Somebody stole the passenger seat.
	They just didn't want you in that carpool lane or what?
	I don't know what the issue was.
	I just remember picking people up and they had to get in and there was going to be a bus.
	It was like a bus.
	You were in the bus, you were the bus driver up front and the people had to walk past you.
	Did they pay you a fare?
	Like, all aboard.
	Just one seat in the back.
	Just one lady.
	You're like, oh, let's get back there.
	But so I want to talk more about that.
	Yeah, whenever you hit purbity, man, that shit was wild.
	I remember.
	It feels like, you ever put a mentose in a Diet Pepsi or Diet Coke?
	Yeah.
	And it starts to bubble up at first?
	That's what it feels like your body's doing.
	It's starting to bubble up at first.
	I think I remembered, I'm trying to think if I remember getting body hair, maybe a little on my chest, like in the crack of my chest.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, I got a few of those.
	Oh, right here.
	You get that happy trail.
	And that's, you want to keep it.
	You can't wait to go to the pool and take your shirt off.
	Yeah, dude.
	Some people even put a little barrette.
	A lot of the brothers will put a little boret on it.
	A little bow tie down it?
	Yeah, just something small.
	Nothing crazy.
	Yeah, exactly.
	You know, just something chill, something to flex a little.
	I grew up in kind of like a white and urban area.
	So you'd have, dude, I remember they had a handicapped dude, a black dude, and he was, his legs didn't work, and they had braided his fucking legs around each other.
	Yeah, you should.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, you know, that's what I would do.
	Or I put underglow on them.
	On my legs.
	Like on the bottom so they shine a little.
	Personally, yeah.
	Because then it looks like the Lord's carrying me, you know?
	Right?
	I've never seen a wheelchair with underglow.
	But if your legs had it, wouldn't you be like, oh, he's not walking because he can float?
	I don't know, man.
	I just, I saw a car with underglow recently driving from the IE, the Inland Empire, and it brought me back.
	Like the Spinner's era.
	I think they should have pimped my wheelchair.
	And that's just me trying to help out.
	Them spree wells.
	Yeah, well, you'll see sometimes there's a lot of dudes who are in wheelchairs.
	They'll do that dolphin where they kind of pull up and let the wheels be, yeah, yeah.
	You know?
	Those dudes know what they're doing.
	But again, but if I spent my life in a wheelchair, I'd get bored after a while.
	I definitely want to.
	You think?
	I think so.
	I definitely want to learn the tricks.
	Sometimes I'll pretend like this.
	Even if I'm at a dinner or something, or like I'm being at a table for a while and people don't, you know, I'll kind of do this, you know?
	Looks like you're about to start a bobsled.
	Yeah.
	Just for fun.
	Yeah, just to let people know that you could be if you needed to.
	But yeah, I think I'm trying to remember to what that was like.
	It's crazy that like puberty happens to your body and you don't even, you're not like documenting every day.
	It's like it's, cause it's unreal.
	Yeah, it feels like you're just waiting in line and eventually it's like the Lord being like, you better get some pubes.
	But it's a slow process.
	It's not like you walk up to the front door and they stamp your puberty card.
	It's like a slow, a little bit of this, a little bit of that.
	The voice cracks, if when you're voice cracked in class, I mean, that was one of the worst days of my life.
	Especially late.
	Oh, yeah.
	I was at 17. You're getting your ass beat at noon for sure.
	Yeah.
	It's crazy.
	Yeah, that man would start to fucking break out of you.
	It's almost like the incredible Hulk when he breaks through the clothing.
	It's like when snakes shed a little bit, but it's just the manliness is coming out.
	Yeah, you'd be like, can we go get some?
	I'm trying to fuck.
	You know, just like, like, whoa, whoa, what happened?
	And then you try to do that voice again, but you can't do it.
	You're trying to get back to here.
	Yeah, you couldn't do it.
	You tried to get back.
	You could never do it.
	You remember coming to school and one kid had like just gone way past puberty?
	Like he was like seven.
	Dude, he had like arthritis.
	I'm like, you missed like 19 stages.
	He had a beard.
	Yeah, he had a beard.
	And that kid always had a bad beer then.
	Dude, there was a guy, his name was Chuck, and he had a full facial hair in ninth grade.
	And he was dating an eighth grader.
	And he, this is a hilarious story.
	And if you're from my hometown, you know the story.
	He was dating this chick and they did anal and she had to miss school the next day.
	No way.
	Yeah, this is ninth grade, bro.
	I'd barely even seen one of my cocks.
	Like, I was so nervous.
	So people must have been freaking out.
	Dude, this guy was like Dan Bilzerian of ninth grade.
	I was looking at him like, tell me your secrets.
	Oh, and he used to not wear boxers.
	He'd wear just denim, just denim on dick.
	No boxers, raw dogging it.
	Oh, my.
	Raw dogging that denim, dude.
	It was crazy.
	But the girl literally had to miss school the next day because she couldn't walk.
	No.
	And he works at a restaurant now, but yeah, he does.
	Yeah, he's serving it up.
	But that guy was so many levels ahead of puberty than I was.
	It was crazy.
	Oh, when you heard about the first guy that had sex, kind of like, I remember we came back from seventh grade and some kid had had sex, apparently, like on a pool chair or something.
	Yeah, it was always outside.
	And people were losing their mind.
	People didn't know what to do.
	People were like trying to like install a pool at the school.
	Like people had.
	It's signed my beach ball.
	Yeah, everything.
	Just banana because they just, it's like you want to get as close to you can as you can to sex, you know?
	Well, it's like the first person that went to the moon.
	Everybody was just like, tell me how you did it.
	What was it like in there?
	Like, could you really like bounce around?
	Did you feel like yourself?
	Well, I met the guy that did it, man.
	The green screen?
	Buzz Aldrin.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	You met him?
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	What did he say it was like?
	You think it was real?
	Well, I'll tell you this, man.
	I remember this.
	When I looked at him, it didn't seem like he'd been to the moon.
	What gave it away?
	Just something.
	He was describing it like a 12-year-old talking about tits.
	Yeah, it was pretty cool.
	It was bouncy.
	You know, they were bigger than I thought.
	But I could handle it.
	You didn't see it in his eyes?
	Yeah, they're just something.
	He's just, I don't know.
	You know what I'm saying?
	If I met somebody who'd been to the, who'd been to the Galaxy or whatever, I would know.
	Right.
	Well, it's like somebody like, if I told you I've been in jail, you would look at my body and be like, you have not.
	Right.
	You have picked up a friend from Juvie, but that is the most.
	But there's something about like an energy.
	So I see what you're saying.
	Yeah, maybe you zoomed with like a PO or something.
	Yeah, but you haven't been.
	You haven't done it anytime.
	I shook a man's hand who's the data guy.
	So that was the thing for me.
	And I'm not discrediting the space program or NASA, but that's just what I thought.
	My grandpa used to work for NASA.
	Yeah, he was a veteran and worked for NASA.
	Really?
	He was like the manliest guy.
	He always wore the same outfit every day.
	He was jacked to like 65, worked for NASA and fought in war.
	I was like, that's crazy.
	TikToker.
	Like, what?
	Like, this guy has lived a legacy.
	Yeah.
	One time I saw him eat an orange with the peel on, whole thing, like an apple.
	And the thing he said after was like the most badass thing.
	He was like, when you're in the war, you have an option.
	You can either like peel your orange and, you know, take your eye off what's going on, or you can risk getting your face peeled by a caliber.
	I'd never heard something so cool in my life.
	Wow.
	Yeah, it was really cool.
	He's a great man.
	Was he?
	Yeah.
	And like, if I like ever disrespected my mom, he like my mom had like a bodyguard.
	If I ever disrespected my mom or said something like, I don't want to eat the fucking frozen peas.
	He tastes like shit.
	He'd be like, he'd always put something down, right?
	And then be like, don't you treat my daughter that way.
	And I could just, he wouldn't hit me, but mentally he did.
	Yeah.
	He was the manliest man I knew.
	Fuck, that's amazing, man.
	What was his name?
	Bert.
	Bert.
	That's a good name.
	Yeah.
	No, he was, he was awesome.
	Wow, man.
	That's really neat, dude.
	And how did he pass away?
	Age.
	Oh, Bert.
	Yeah.
	Super cool, man.
	And he fought in the war.
	So he would, he would always say crazy shit in the car.
	And I was too young to notice at the time, but my mom would always be like, you can't say that anymore.
	You shouldn't be saying that anymore.
	I'd just be sitting in the back.
	It was like a live Jerry Springer.
	It was awesome.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Like, I remember watching football with my grandfather, and he'd been in one of the wars.
	And the guy would like, they'd be like, the guy ran a slant or whatever.
	And he'd be like, if a slant runs by here, they'll fucking know what's going on.
	Like, he would say crazy shit.
	I'm like, whoa, dude, that's not.
	You know, you just, anybody that kind of fought in the war, I try to make a joke about that on stage.
	I'm talking about it.
	Like, anybody that fought in the war, like you're just kind of okay with them being like slightly a little prejudiced or something, you might be like, you're just like, ah, they're in the war.
	They fought for the country, you know?
	But if they didn't, like, if they didn't fought a war and they said the same shit, you'd be like, yo, fucking pull that man's life alert.
	That's fucked up.
	But if you noticed how to use a bayonet, you're like, you're right.
	You know, this is between him and the Lord right now.
	Don't intercept what he's trying to think.
	I don't know.
	Dude, it is kind of crazy how, like, like people that, like, serve the country and help protect the country and, like, establish the borders and like, um, they kind of throw them by the wayside as they get older because, like, they're like, or here's what I'm saying is, it's interesting how, like, like, our parents might have like different views than like probably a lot of younger generation has, right?
	Um, probably a lot of more old-fashioned views, but their parents, like, went off to war to like protect like the, the free, the safety of the nation and stuff like that.
	So when they're like pissed off about the border, it's like you kind of have to respect where they're coming from.
	If they had a parent that died somewhere defending the border, you know what I'm saying?
	Or like establishing the land of America.
	It's like that, a lot of times that stuff gets so like not even factored into the way that people behave.
	Like, yeah, I could understand if one like my mom feels certain ways about like protecting like the freedoms of America and like defending our border and like looking out for America first.
	If she had a grandfather or a father that was gone for fucking eight months or a year out of her life because he was out defending it or whatever.
	The problem is when there's the disconnect, when after generations, it fades away.
	You know, if your dad was that guy, then it's very strong to you.
	And now when you have the child, it's like, it gets less and less.
	And now it's like, I hear about the war and I'm like, yeah, but like, what about the TikTok algorithm?
	Like, that's the war I'm fighting.
	Yeah, what about war?
	Yeah, Minecraft.
	Exactly.
	Yeah.
	Somebody who's like a better gamer now is like better than like who was that general during like Iraq or something that was Colin Powell or Petraeus.
	Yeah.
	Daniel Petraeus.
	Petraeus now is like the same as like some, who's like one of the best gamers right now?
	I know Ninja was big or like all the FaZe clan dudes.
	Like Shinobi or somebody, you know, or whoever.
	What if gang, you know?
	Yeah.
	It's that disconnect where it's like, it's, well, I mean, it's like now it's like I've done a lot of like college shows and 80% of the audience wasn't alive for 9-11.
	And it's like you say 9-11 to them and it's just like a date to them.
	And it like blows my mind.
	But it's like, yeah, that was me learning about World War II.
	I don't, I don't know.
	I was in a nutshell somewhere, balled up, waiting for my draft.
	Yeah.
	So it's just a time thing, I think, but it is bizarre.
	it's crazy too, how we just don't even like reflect, yeah, it is wild how much things change, and then how like we kind of don't take into account what other people, like what their generation was like, you know, it's almost like you're they're suddenly like wrong just because they're getting older or because um like times have kind of changed, you know?
	Yeah.
	But anyway, what else can we talk about that's a little more fucking normal, dude?
	What else is going on in the news, Zach?
	A lot of stuff, huh?
	Yeah, we got a couple stories here.
	I guess a former bodyguard's launching a ride-sharing app where the drivers will be armed with guns.
	Oh, I heard about this in Atlanta, right?
	Yeah, yeah.
	I would use that, but I would go to places where you wouldn't need bodyguard just to just feel cool.
	It's called Black Wolf.
	Black Wolf.
	Wow.
	An app designed to riable Uber and Lyft recently launched in Atlanta and is about to drop in New York.
	Carrie King Brown revealed he created the app as a necessary evil who are mostly on the news getting robbed, getting raped, the average person.
	Well, yeah, who else is it going to be?
	Senators?
	You could take down a senator pretty easy, though.
	But who else is going to be?
	Animals or something?
	Yeah, that is interesting.
	Where would you take this?
	Like, what's something you'd be going to?
	Like, if I was going to be like a Kid Rock conc.
	Yep.
	I mean, easily Memphis, dude.
	Shout out Memphis.
	A Raiders game?
	Raiders game.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, I think that.
	I think maybe like a Kid Rock cover band concert.
	Oh, yeah.
	You know?
	Yeah, I could possibly see it needed for that, too.
	So what happens?
	They just send you with the driver with a gun?
	Because I think most Uber drivers, if you go to like Sacramento, probably just have a gun on them.
	Yeah.
	It seems like the drivers are specially trained.
	Like they mentioned one of the drivers is a private investigator and previously worked as a bodyguard.
	So it's not that just they have the gun.
	It's like they're professionally trained protectors.
	Okay, got it.
	So what I'm creating is a necessary evil.
	It's a necessity, it says.
	Brown is no ordinary driver and he's no regular man with a plan.
	He is a private investigator and has worked as a bodyguard for celebrities and politicians.
	He wants to share his own brand of executive protection with the world.
	So this is one of those things I think you're starting to see like, you know, like there's too many insanely rich people out there, I think.
	Yeah.
	You know, walking around.
	Right.
	I think there should be a cap on how much money that you can make.
	Then what?
	You lose it and then get back up?
	Like if you overshoot in 21?
	Oh, yeah.
	No, but here's what happens.
	I think they then like sis, like the town or wherever you're from, let's you get something like named after you.
	Like there's some like, there's some value that's given to you because of the way you're creating stuff or you have to give more to your employee.
	Like, I don't know, something like, but I think part of it is like you're just starting to see like a lot of rich people are probably getting scared of people that are like shooting at them.
	What do you think?
	I mean, yeah, that's a huge problem here in LA.
	Like rich people are getting robbed all the time.
	Oh, yeah.
	They wear like a Rolex on Rodeo and somebody runs up and grabs it.
	Yeah, that's the people are going to get this.
	It's not going to be, he says it's for regular people, but what regular person is going to get that?
	Yeah, unless they're going to prom or something.
	They don't want somebody else hitting on their chick or something.
	Yeah, I don't know when, I don't even know when I would like use that.
	Like when I would feel like, oh, fuck, you know, maybe Black Friday show up to Walmart.
	People be shooting over flat screens.
	Oh, shooting over an air fryer.
	Yeah.
	So maybe I'll pull up with that there.
	Yeah, I think it's just, well, it's going to become, first of all, it's going to become a niche thing that rich people are going to do.
	So rich people who have a ton of extra expendable income, they just want to spend it any way they can to look even richer.
	If you could hire somebody to be with you at all times, who would it be?
	Would it be like a bodyguard, an escort, maybe like somebody who knows a lot about like zoo animals?
	What do you think it would be?
	Ooh, that's a good question.
	I would need like a middle, like somebody, like a really buff mom, I think.
	Oh, I'd hire like a total wigger to hang out with me all day.
	Like my boy Brian Purvis that I grew up with, dog.
	Who's Brian Purvis?
	R.I.P.
	man.
	Oh, what happened?
	No, he's not dead, but he is in jail for so long that it's like...
	He's interesting.
	Nobody on the outside is going to get to know him, you know?
	That is wild.
	If you're in jail for life, he's kind of hard.
	That's him?
	Yeah.
	Oh, wow, he got the...
	Yeah.
	He's got the, I got that good Molly on him.
	He got those moon rocks, yeah.
	Oh, so what happened?
	Attempted murder.
	I could just, I would like to hang out with him, bro, or just like some real, like, just some dude that's real, like as real as it can get.
	Like he's always rubbing his hands.
	Yeah, somebody that's as real as he can get, bro.
	Some dude that has to move his head side to side like this to either move forward or to come up with a good idea.
	Yeah, you ask him what's smoothie he wants.
	He's like, ah, yeah.
	He's thinking about catalytic converters and shit.
	Yeah, he doesn't blink unless he sees you blink.
	He's fucking.
	He has to remind himself to blink.
	On his hand, it says blink.
	And he goes, Yeah, his whoop bracelet fucking goes off.
	Yeah, yeah.
	He always knows a good ICP playlist.
	Oh, dude, his house arrest bracelet.
	Oh, yeah.
	It's got the Wu-Tang logo on it.
	It makes a special beep when he walks through a grocery store entrance.
	That's how he does Apple Pay with an ankle monitor?
	Yeah, it's crazy, dude.
	He just puts his fucking, his British knight up on the...
	Yep.
	I've been arrested, man.
	I didn't know that.
	We was at a house somewhere and the cops came in and they went upstairs, right?
	This is the crazy thing.
	And they bring a kid down from upstairs.
	Everybody's high downstairs.
	You had no idea who the kid was?
	No.
	And everybody's like, who the fuck here as a kid?
	Nobody had a kid, right?
	It was, we were kids.
	right.
	They bring like a sleeping kid with like a, Do you think they tried to plan it on you?
	It totally seemed like a- Oh, it was a Cokehead.
	Yeah.
	These kids were funneling kids.
	But like, yeah, with the kid, it was like he was like rubbing his eye and he had on like a little night gap.
	I mean, yeah, it seemed like something out of like a Charles Dickens Novel.
	Yeah, I was going to say, kids are always rubbing their eyes in movies.
	Yeah, so it seemed really like a setup in Mississippi, and so we had to go stay in for the night.
	I'm trying to think if there was another time.
	I feel like I did another time.
	I got put in the back of a cop car for taping a house in eighth grade.
	Suburb shit.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	Where the gang was at?
	Dude, fucking Charmin Ultra.
	Fucking hard Charmin.
	Yeah, single ply.
	Wow.
	Single ply.
	Some of you went through some shit.
	Yeah, a little.
	Nah, it was a little bit.
	Some shit went through you.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Fingers went through some shit.
	Yeah.
	But I was, remember, me and my friend Matt had, I had a backpack on.
	And if you see any kid with a backpack at four in the morning, he ain't going to school.
	So the cop just pulled over, and I had like four rolls on me, just Charmin.
	Yeah, my parents are probably more so pissed that I was throwing the nice toilet paper.
	Yeah.
	But yeah, the cops were like, what are you doing?
	And then I had to go wake my parents up.
	And then my parents had to go talk to the cop.
	And my neighbor at the time was the sheriff.
	That's the only reason we like got anything.
	They're like, oh, shit, I know your neighbor.
	That's, that's the shit, you know?
	Yeah.
	And so they just, I don't know how that helped, but yeah, that was it.
	That's all I did was wake up my parents.
	Like, it was a cop downstairs.
	Like, the fuck?
	That was it.
	Damn.
	That was such a weird time as a kid when you had to go get your parents up at night.
	Remember that?
	Oh, yeah.
	Because you'd have to open their door, go by there, and you knew they were asleep.
	Right.
	And it was that moment where you're like, how do I time where I knock?
	Maybe they're like not like, maybe I'll give them an extra five seconds to sleep or something.
	Yeah.
	How do you like?
	And then you're like, mom?
	Yeah.
	She's like, you have another nightmare?
	No.
	There's a squad car out front.
	Cops are here.
	Yeah, and your dad was in some weird PJs and dick was probably flopping out.
	What the fuck are you talking about?
	Yeah, it was weird.
	I don't think I got in trouble for that.
	I think it was just, I don't even, I don't even remember what happened.
	Yeah, all that time was just interesting, man.
	What were we talking about on the news?
	It happens?
	Atlanta.
	Oh, yeah, Atlanta.
	So, yeah, I'm just wondering, yeah, I think you're just going to start seeing more rich people get like special services.
	Yeah.
	Just to spend their money because they have to.
	I wonder if it's just going to get so mainstream.
	Like, imagine where, like, these dudes aren't doing any combat.
	Like, these dudes are trained tactically to like fuck somebody up, but now he's dropping somebody off at LAX.
	Like, I get bored.
	I'm like, I know how to shoot a gun.
	Why are you making me drive to American Airlines?
	Well, and at a certain point, those guys are going to want to shoot guns.
	Yeah, I think they should.
	So they're going to want to pop off on somebody.
	They're going to want to.
	Yeah, can you get the trunk for me?
	They're going to want to put a piece into somebody.
	They're going to want to put a free filling in somebody's fucking rib cage.
	Yeah, because I think they're just going to be like loading in that car.
	Like, I want to fucking hit someone.
	Yeah.
	Or they might start some beef.
	Well, shit's getting weird.
	Now, I notice when I walk up to a car now, it used to be you could walk up, tap on something, tap on the window, or ask somebody a question.
	Seems crazy to do now.
	Doesn't it?
	Yeah.
	Bro, the other day, I'm walking up to a car and I was like, oh my God.
	Well, you also look like somebody who's going to sell you some like fake fish tickets.
	Oh, yeah.
	You know what I'm saying, bro?
	Or some fake mat or some fake fish.
	Y'all fuck with these?
	It's just a hamster with a fin on the back.
	So wait, what were we saying?
	I cut you off.
	I'm like, it's either modest Yahoo or Mahi Mahi, dude.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	You're buying something.
	Yeah, so you walked into a car and what happened?
	I didn't mean to cut you.
	But it spooked me out.
	I was like, oh my God, if this person would have just drawn on me and shot me, there would have been a case for them that this guy came up on my car, whether or not I had a weapon or not.
	It wouldn't have been just like an open shut thing of like you shooting a stranger.
	Right.
	You approach my bubble.
	Remember that?
	And people say, get out of my bubble.
	That was some mom shit.
	But so what do you do if you're like at a red light and somebody like walks up to your car?
	Do you keep your eyes on the road or you talk with them or you just look forward?
	It is weird.
	Like you, you just stand there and you like pretend you're at the wheel and you're just like pretending that they're not there or do you interact?
	I mean if they come up to the window of your car like who are they?
	Why would someone do that?
	Just somebody looking for money.
	Okay.
	Blowjo.
	Well, that's almost different because you almost are kind of expecting it.
	In that moment, I feel like at a stoplight, you're kind of looking around.
	I think for me, like there were cars in a parking lot.
	They were parked.
	And what happened was I thought I walked up to, we had a rental car.
	I thought I walked up to the rental car.
	I walked up to the wrong car.
	But I walked up and kind of like was by the, I mean, I'm like right by the glass.
	There's somebody sitting in that car.
	And I'm like, if that person, years ago, it would have just been like, oh, I'm so sorry.
	It's an accident.
	But now it's like their windows are all tinted, everything.
	So it's like, I don't know.
	It just felt like if they shot me, it wouldn't be, it wouldn't be crazy.
	Yeah, you're like last words would be like, I get it.
	It does feel like the brain just trains you that anytime like somebody comes up to your car, you should be like, oh, like, like fight or flight immediately.
	But everybody's scared now, I feel like, and we're building up this.
	But sometimes you go to like a real small town and they're like the opposite.
	Like you walk up, they're like, do you need something, honey?
	I remember I was doing a show.
	That's a good point.
	I was in Butte, Montana, and there's a population of like 456, maybe 454 today.
	But I was walking from the Walmart to my hotel and this lady drives by.
	She goes, do you need help?
	And I was like, and like, this is like very early in my career.
	So I thought I was like hot shit.
	And I was like, oh, maybe she recognized me.
	I was like, no, what's up?
	She's like, oh, anytime you see somebody walking in this town, it means something, you know, something bad happened.
	And I was just helping you out.
	And that was that.
	No offers of sex or nothing.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I think that that's a good point.
	So I'm thinking from more like a city perspective.
	Where was this at?
	This was in Phoenix.
	Okay.
	Yeah, there's a lot of walking up cars out there.
	But I just had never thought that before.
	I'd never thought that before.
	Like if somebody will, if I walk up somebody's car that they would, if they did shoot me or I just had never thought that there was that much fear in the air or like weird energy and like uncertainty.
	I think people are just very nervous about what other people are capable of.
	Yeah, that is true.
	I think everyone's just like on the heightened senses.
	Yeah.
	I think some of it's because you see a lot of clips of people like beating people up on like Twitter and stuff.
	Do you ever see any of that stuff?
	No, of course.
	Twitter is just tits and people getting knocked out.
	Yeah.
	Which is pretty good combo.
	It's like the new Spike TV.
	Where the fuck is Spike TV?
	I miss that shit.
	Mancers, every time it'd be like, my girlfriend is talking too much.
	It'd be like, fucking divorce that bitch.
	And Spike TV, we'll be back to you after this Jack Lynx beef jerky commercial.
	I miss Spike TV.
	That was just like creatine for the soul.
	Dude, Spike TV was so fucking good.
	It was like, they had like cat, like, I don't even know.
	They were like, oh, watch this guy get his, get a root canal done with a forklift.
	And he does it himself.
	But they had the show A Thousand Ways to Die.
	Oh, I never heard it.
	You ever see that?
	They would just find random cases around the world, then they would hire reenactment actors to be like, yeah, be like, this guy was climbing the Christmas tree to try to put the final thing on the ornament and got, you know, electronic the cock.
	Yeah, it was a really weird show.
	They would just reenact how random deaths would happen.
	I wonder if there's like one actor that does a lot of the death reenactments, you know?
	Oh, there he was the go-to guy on call.
	Yeah.
	Now he's just at a bar like, you ever seeing a thousand ways to die?
	That was me.
	Yeah, it was me.
	40 of them were me.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	What other shows does Spike TV have?
	I just remember the name and the feeling associated with it.
	Well, they had early UFC, I think, was on Spike TV, wasn't it?
	Was it UFC or just a bunch of dudes fighting in front of a red lobster?
	I think it could have been either one.
	That's Maine that you're talking about.
	Yeah, there's nothing better than a Raw Street fight.
	You ever just been driving by to see a fight?
	It may have been a ring cam from Maine.
	Exactly.
	Yeah, dude.
	Bro, I was in New York the other day, right?
	So there's like two home, there's like a homeless dude and what we thought was like a regular dude.
	Like we're sitting outside of a cafe.
	And I don't go to cafes, dude, because they're gay, right?
	My buddy wanted to go.
	Yeah, I was going to say, I can't see you sitting there sipping a little cappuccino with a pinky out.
	Yeah, I was just, dude, I was buying Coke and then selling it to other people.
	I don't do it anymore, but I'll middle a few Grahams, you know, to keep me hype, right?
	Right, just to stay cool at the cafe.
	Yeah, what can I get for you?
	An eight ball.
	You want it iced?
	So we saw some dudes and me and my buddy Kevin were like, all right, well, let's go see what's going on here.
	So we get up from our little table.
	And the tables in New York are like small, especially cafes.
	How fucking small is this table?
	Yeah, it's insane.
	I do like the arguments when you're like sitting at a table at a restaurant in New York.
	You can hear the people like directly to your left and right.
	Couples aren't doing well in New York.
	No.
	Which I get there's a lot of hot people.
	I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with that town either.
	Oh, dude, everything that walked by, I wanted to put my face in it, you know?
	It's an insane scene.
	I couldn't imagine feeling like I was in a comfortable relationship in that town.
	Like you're both walking and be like, wow, that girl's so hot.
	And she's like, wow, that dude's so hot.
	And you're just like, ha, okay, I can't wait to go back to Easter with your family next weekend.
	Yeah.
	Fuck everybody.
	Oh, dude.
	It's just like you just want to fucking, you know, you just want a damn pink eye collection, you know?
	Like, you're fucking willing to.
	And you get it the organic way, too.
	Not what you need to do.
	Yeah, not a fart on the pillow, just fart on these goddamn eyelids.
	Oh, damn.
	Yeah, I'm putting these things to sleep, honey.
	Yeah, it's hot town.
	So we heard two homeless dudes.
	Wait, we thought it was a homeless dude and a regular dude fighting.
	So we go over.
	Not fair.
	Right.
	For the regular dude.
	He'll get his ass beat.
	Well, we didn't know what was happening.
	So we cruise over and then one of them, they're beating each other with toilet tissue with a bunch of packet of shit tickets, right?
	So one of them's banging the other dude up with this, with like an eight pack of shit tickets, dude.
	And we're like, oh, dude, hey, what's going on here, guys?
	And it was a black guy and a white guy.
	And we're like, what's going on here, guys?
	Who was what?
	I can't remember who.
	And then at that point, we realized, oh, both of these guys are home, or like kind of crackheads or whatever.
	Yeah, you know, like, or they were drug induced.
	Were they having fun, though?
	That kind of sounds funny.
	No.
	It sounds like a street pillow fight.
	It did a little, but then they apologize.
	They're like, we're so sorry.
	They kept cursing at each other and kept hitting each other with toilet tissue.
	Damn.
	But it was weird because we went from thinking like, all right, let's step in here, see if we can help out or what's going to go on to, oh, fuck.
	Both these guys are fucking mentally unwell.
	Did you see the fight at Disneyland last week?
	Yeah, a couple whites, huh?
	Yeah, I love a good public fight.
	It's so funny.
	Well, I always thought that this was a black thing until white people, so this is basically cultural appropriation now.
	White people fighting.
	Well, fighting at Disney World.
	They'd had one group of black people that had done it pretty well a while back.
	Remember that, Zach?
	Yeah.
	And they do it at places that matter, like Space Mountain, like fun places to watch a fight.
	Yeah.
	But what's worse?
	Like proposing at Disneyland?
	Be like, will you marry me?
	Or fighting at Disneyland?
	I think proposing at Disneyland is worse.
	Fighting is like, that's free entertainment.
	Oh, I love how they have matching t-shirts.
	That's hilarious.
	This was over, like, where to take a picture, by the way, is people finding it.
	You just ride as you walk in.
	Uh-uh.
	They all have matching t-shirts.
	Wow.
	That's the best ride there.
	No ride would get you.
	No, that's true.
	Oh, this is Mace Mountain, dude.
	This is a bunch of thick whites fucking spraying each other with that no-sight sauce, homie.
	people are fucking going down.
	Yeah, dude, that's fucking...
	What started that?
	Was it over a photo?
	Oh, over a photo.
	That's literally what it says.
	Good job, Drevor, for reading.
	There's something nice about being in a group fight like that where there's a lot of like energy in one space.
	Look at that chick rolling in.
	Yeah.
	Dude on the bottom has to just move states.
	That guy is getting his ass whooped.
	Imagine that's your dad.
	That's crit.
	See, this is what I don't understand.
	this point, at some point, do we ever cut off the gene?
	Do we say, hey, we're not going to let their...
	Okay.
	Like, the DNA, we've seen what it can do here, what it can do there.
	Like, we're getting an idea.
	At a certain point, do we ever say, hey, you guys can't do any more DNAing?
	The whites?
	No, any groups of people or like at a certain point, do you lose your DNA privileges maybe based on your own success, but your own there has to be, there should be some level where you lose your DNA privileges.
	Okay.
	Yeah, like if you keep a three-strike type of thing.
	Something.
	Like a fight like that, you're done.
	I think you get a strike for sure.
	Yeah.
	And if you get your ass beat, it's two strikes.
	Okay.
	The guy on the bottom down there, I mean, he is protesting Disney from day one.
	I mean, that's crazy.
	Do you stay at the park after you get your ass beat?
	Well, you're probably arrested.
	I think you probably stay.
	Well, they didn't know that the video was out.
	Who knows if they even got arrested?
	They have a jail at Disneyland.
	Oh, they do?
	Yeah.
	Oh.
	I haven't been, but they'd be crazy.
	Crazy.
	Dropping the soap there.
	Crazy.
	Let's get a quick little.
	Oh, boy.
	Somebody's getting goofy in that ass.
	I don't know, dude.
	I'm trying to think if you had to make love to one cartoon, who would it be, bro?
	The girl from Futurama, Lola, she had three tits and one eye.
	That's a great combo right there.
	Let's bring her up.
	I think it was three tits and one eye.
	I wasn't really looking past the.
	Oh, she only had two tits?
	Yeah, it was only two.
	No, she had three.
	Bro.
	You're thinking of total recall.
	Yeah.
	I'm thinking of a good night.
	She just kind of does something.
	It's like the purple hair.
	Like, she would be a bartender at a place in Hollywood and wouldn't look at you.
	And that's hard to do with that eye.
	But she would like...
	She wouldn't look...
	You know?
	But also, I'm going to say this.
	Having one eye, there would be something so nice if somebody had one eye.
	You ever really try to look at somebody in the eyes?
	Just one.
	I'm doing it right now.
	Like, but in both eye, it's almost impossible because you can't.
	You don't know where to.
	Yeah, there's always a little bit of.
	Somebody told me a trick for like interviews.
	You stare in the middle of the nose, like the, like right in between the eyes because it looks, you can't really tell.
	But also, I think one eye is kind of seductive because imagine you do like one of these to her cheek and she like blushes and like the one eye goes out.
	That's pretty hot.
	But that one eye is bigger.
	And imagine if she starts crying and one big tear comes out.
	Oh, wow.
	That could break an iPhone.
	Yeah, it would.
	You got to get a bowl of rice and everything.
	Who is your cartoon you'd go for?
	Let me think.
	The cartoon that's, oh, Jessica Rabbit, huh?
	Jessica Rabbit does it.
	Yeah, she does it for a lot of people.
	God.
	Yeah.
	Boy, I just wanted to draw my own dick on her.
	I remember when I saw that.
	Oh, what about Lola?
	I thought she was a real woman.
	I was like, mom, we have to go meet her.
	Oh, do you know how many wishes?
	My mom she's on for Christmas?
	I'd like to beat you in the yard if you don't calm down.
	Is that what happened if you got too horned up?
	Your mom would just beat you in the yard?
	Oh, dude, my mom, if we were lucky, she'd get a can, she'd get some canned beer and go sit in the yard for a while.
	God, sometimes I wish somebody would beat my ass when I get too horny.
	It's time bad.
	Like, if I just start swiping on dating apps, I wish somebody would just punch me in the back of the head and be like, go write a new joke.
	Oh, you're right.
	Yeah, it would be good, huh?
	You think about that?
	Horniness slows down.
	It takes up so much of your time.
	Look at that.
	How much horniness does.
	Dude, my therapist literally told me the other day that I should try jerking off to get these thoughts out of my head.
	And I was like, where the fuck did you get your degree at Arizona State University?
	Because I was like, Tom, I was like, I feel like sometimes I like, I'm going on dates.
	I don't know if I just like the attention.
	Do I like, I don't want to waste anybody's time.
	But like, do I like these people or is it just the attention?
	And he's like, well, before you like start texting people back, like, just jerk off.
	And it was like such a simple, it's the only time he's ever given me an answer.
	Usually he has questions.
	He'll be like, well, how does it make you feel?
	Why does it make you feel?
	But this is the only time he's like, just touch yourself.
	And I was like, damn, bro.
	And I did.
	And it works for about 38 minutes.
	Wow, really?
	Creeps back in.
	So you got that half-life.
	So you're, you come back around pretty quick.
	When you make love to a woman, are you willing or able to make love again the same night?
	The same night, yeah, but it's got to be like a full like family guy episode.
	Like it's not, like it might, I don't know.
	Like, here's all I go, I can get back up, but the nut ain't replenished.
	You know?
	Yeah.
	So I'm like in a car driving downhill, but there's no engine in there.
	Oh, yeah.
	But I'm driving.
	So it's almost like the engine's off, but you're still going down.
	I'm coasting.
	Yeah.
	But there's no, there's no rev power.
	Yeah.
	And then I got a lie.
	I'm like, oh, I finished.
	And then didn't.
	So I'd be faking it too, ladies.
	Oh, I remember the first time I ever did sex.
	This lady.
	How old were you, by the way?
	Well, two things happened.
	One, one, I tried to have sex with a girl and I just got close to her and just e-jacked all over.
	Damn.
	And I just churned out, baby.
	You just built up.
	Oh, God, boy.
	That's probably for the best.
	You could hear a fucking wolf howl.
	That shit was pure, brother.
	That's uncut nut.
	Oh, it did, yeah.
	Straight from the Pacific.
	So how close was she to you?
	She was probably four inches away from me in bed.
	I could just feel my body getting closer to hers and just closer.
	And then I just, and I was like, are you, is everything okay?
	Are you okay?
	And I was like, I didn't know what had happened kind of.
	How'd you get out of it?
	I said, we should get out of here, right?
	And then I know what I said, dude.
	But I got so scared and nervous that I made her climb out of the window.
	Anything to take your mind off the fact that you pre-came.
	Yeah, I was like, you got to get the fuck out of here.
	Why?
	The dogs are out front.
	The dogs are barking.
	Yes.
	I was like, you have to get the fuck out of here.
	And there was nobody else even at our house.
	So it was like, she's going to go through the window.
	Yeah, that's crazy.
	And then, yeah, so that was the first almost.
	And then I ended up making love to this girl behind the bowling alley in our town over there.
	Bowling alley is kind of a seductive place.
	A lot of like this action right here, these three fingers get a lot of work.
	Then all of a sudden, you know, she's bowling a perfect strike on that.
	We were outdoors behind the place.
	There's actually, if you pull it up on.
	It's still out there.
	There's Tiffany Lane's, it was called.
	I would love if the first review or like, it was like Tiffany Lane, where Theo Vaughn got his cocktouch.
	Is it in there?
	Oh, my God.
	Honestly, somebody did it.
	I'm here because of Theo Vaughn who lost some of the precious at the bowling alley so long ago.
	Oh, this is real.
	Yep.
	Tiffany Lane's bowling alley over there.
	They gave it five stars, too.
	Temporarily closed.
	You should reopen it.
	We should.
	Oh, really?
	That wouldn't be a bad idea to reopen.
	You should.
	What would you call it?
	Theo's Nut Hut?
	Tiffany's Lane.
	Tiffany's.
	Tiffany's slane.
	Yeah, I think you should.
	You remember when the punchline in San Francisco was going to close down and then Chappelle was like, here's a bunch of money to keep it open?
	You should do that with this place, Tiffany Lane.
	What was the review on there, Zach?
	I don't know if we read it.
	they said I'm only here because Theo Vaughn lost something precious.
	That's so funny that that's, you have such, You have the best fans, honestly.
	Really?
	They're great.
	All the shows that I've done with you, they're so, they're just excited.
	They're just happy to be there.
	Oh, thanks, man.
	And the energy just, but it feels both because I don't know.
	I love doing any of your shows.
	And anytime, and last time I did this past weekend, a bunch of positive comments.
	And yeah, it's just a great fan base.
	They just all, they're there for not only you, but each other, I think.
	And I think a lot of the clips I see on TikTok are a bunch of really funny stuff, but also people will clip like the moments where you're just real.
	There was one recently we were talking about, you're like, I don't know if I'm doing my to-do list or I don't know whose to-do list I'm doing.
	And all the comments were like, dude, I fucking sympathize with, I feel this.
	This is like the real Theo.
	So people respect you on both sides, you know?
	Because if I open up and be myself, like not that I'm not, but like if I really open up and I'm like, this is what makes me sad at life.
	People are like, man, shut the fuck up.
	Go make a video about Celsius, you idiot.
	So for you, it's like, I think people are like 360.
	They love Theo 360.
	Oh, interesting, man.
	And look, I know people do care about me and all that.
	And I'm just fabricating all that stuff.
	But I think like, you know, if I post anything that's not like a sketch or stand-up, you're like, the fuck is this?
	Yeah.
	Go back to making videos of porn stars, idiot.
	But I think people just love you so much for anything and everything you do.
	Thanks, man.
	It's really cool.
	There's a lot of special fan.
	Yeah, a lot of special people out there.
	I noticed it too.
	A lot of nice people come out, will leave nice things, leave nice messages, have a lot of good interaction with people on socials and stuff.
	Just a lot of people struggling with different things.
	I think also probably since I'm older than you, like you'll have probably more times like that in the future where you'll get into spaces in your life.
	Like, you know, you're still making sure that people, and just like I am, like you just, you know, you want to make sure that people accept you or whatever, you know?
	It does feel like that a lot.
	But yeah, I think that when I did Nelk, I just did a Nelk podcast.
	How was that?
	It was good, man.
	I like being around.
	I'm kind of fascinated by their business.
	It's hilarious.
	And what they do.
	And they keep like kind of axing people from their fucking pod.
	Like people kind of disappear.
	It's bizarre.
	It's like everybody in there is like, is a boyfriend and girlfriend?
	And then they're like, we're fucking done with that bitch.
	And the next week they're like, we're back together.
	But now he's done with that.
	Like, it's just an ever-changing door.
	But Kyle's the one that like remains the same.
	And then everyone else kind of rotates around him.
	But dude, I mean, like Nelk podcast is, and I would gladly do it.
	Hit me up.
	But I remember I took like two days off social media and the first thing I opened was my phone.
	It was Donald Trump being asked about iced spice by Kyle.
	And I'm like, what?
	How do we get here?
	And Donald Trump's like, iced spice, what a woman.
	Great hair.
	Love the bush.
	It is, you know, I think sort of merged.
	That's how it felt.
	It was like a U.S. president is doing a podcast alone is a wild topic.
	But to be doing the Nelf Boys podcast, where they're doing like, it's like, all right, up next, Donald Trump.
	But first, Blue Chew, does your dick not work?
	It's just, it's what you said.
	It's worlds combining.
	And we're all turning into the WWE.
	I mean, even the UFC now has merged with the WWE.
	Everything is kind of, you know, you have celebrities fighting boxing, like everything is kind of merging in a weird way.
	Everything.
	It's like.
	And you think that's good or bad?
	I don't know.
	That's the thing.
	I don't know what it is.
	It's hard to get.
	It's hard for me.
	I have a tough time seeing like the, like, the, like the patterns and a tough time seeing like the bigger picture things.
	So I'm like, what is kind of going on?
	Do we feel like things are getting better or more unique?
	Do we feel like we're just becoming like, I don't know, America doesn't really feel like a big thing anymore.
	Like when I was like, America was like the biggest thing there was, dude.
	It was like the biggest company in the world was America, right?
	It was like, we're the biggest company in the world.
	Number one on the Dow Jones, baby.
	Yeah.
	USA.
	That was it.
	But now it feels almost, and maybe it's just because I live in California, it almost feels like in, and I, this isn't a political statement, but doesn't it feel weird to rep America a little bit?
	Like if you just see somebody wearing like a USA t-shirt, you almost look at them and you automatically associate who they are politically and like who they are and like how they eat pussy and like how they shoot guns.
	They eat it from the back.
	Yeah.
	They're pulling hair like it's a goddamn trucker.
	But it feels like, but like there's nothing wrong with you loving the American flag.
	No.
	There's nothing wrong in it at all.
	Right, because you'd see a guy then with a Brazilian flag, you'd be like, yeah, that guy loves his country.
	Exactly.
	But then you'd see a guy with the American flag, you'd be like, oh, this guy might be some right-wing politico guy.
	But that dude could be sucking cock like it's fucking, you know, on some Joey Chestnut shit.
	You know, so you don't really know what or where or how or why, but like something about the USA flag, you think you know that person specifically.
	Well, that's when it starts to feel like that something, like there must be the dark artists that kind of run things, whoever they are.
	Or if there is, they, you know, they've definitely started to dissolve the idea of what it means to be American to a lot of people, you know?
	But at the same time, it's like you have people expressing all their rights and opinions when they're lucky enough to live in a country where you can express your rights and opinions.
	It's a great place.
	But it's only because those things have been like fought for and the government has been kept enough in check.
	Yeah.
	And the, you know, things, it's only because like, because easily you could be Cuba or you could be, what's another place?
	Europe?
	Europe.
	Paris?
	Where they don't, or you know what I'm saying?
	You could be another place where you don't have the freedom.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Russia, dude.
	My family's very Russian.
	It's like, I was, I told somebody the other day, I was like, I kind of want to go back to it.
	They're like, right now, I was like, yeah, what's up?
	They're like, what do you mean?
	What's up?
	Have you heard of anything about Russian Ukraine right now?
	You dumbass?
	I'm like, dude, I get all my news from Laffy Taffy's and Snapchat.
	I'm not doing well in the head, brother.
	I don't know what to tell you.
	But like, I think we take it for granted, fucking USA, you know?
	But if you see a guy with a Ford F-350 and it's a wrapped USA, you're like, oh, this guy.
	This guy really means it.
	This guy is on a first name basis with a lot of hooters in town.
	Well, I definitely think there's like some traditionalism, but there are people who like use the flag now also as like, I'm going to use the flag as my way of showing how conservative I am.
	Or I don't know, but there's also like liber, like people that have liberty or like, what is the new thing?
	It's libertarian?
	Libertarian.
	Ozempic?
	Do they use the American flag a lot?
	I feel like they do.
	I feel like they...
	That's hilarious, dude.
	Yeah, that's like fucking...
	And people would be knocking at the door, like, you got it?
	I heard a girl at a bar maybe a month ago.
	She goes, I think I'm going to Mexico next week because Ozempic is $800 cheaper.
	I was like, that sentence alone.
	And I was just looking at it.
	I was like, why do you have to be so goddamn hot?
	That's like, if I said that, people would be like, you're an idiot.
	But I heard that and I was like, I could see through the red flags on this.
	Like, going across the border to get diabetic medicine so you can look thinner, it's a wild time.
	Yeah.
	So the same way that we might say like a USA flag might look weird on somebody because it's too patriotic, dude, they're looking at LA and be like, you fuckers are addicted to diabetic medicine.
	Right.
	Pussies.
	Yeah.
	Put it in your zins, dude.
	Let's fire up.
	Yeah.
	I don't know.
	And most of our, like, the military that protects our country or keeps things like, you know, will protect us if need be, they are, they have the American flag on their fucking uniform.
	So it's really weird to get people who are like against America.
	Like, why have we created a people that are against our own flag?
	That's the fucking weird thing to me.
	It is bizarre.
	It's like being like, I fucking hate Arby's, but then you're doing work out in Arby's.
	Yeah, but you're wearing a big hat.
	Where did that come from?
	Where did they get all of this giant ass cowboy hat?
	There's a comedian that used to have that joke.
	He was like, oh, do you think Arby's is just a, oh, do you think there's somebody who thinks Arby's is just a place where they sell big hats?
	Oh, God.
	That was an old joke somebody had.
	You know what Arby's stands for?
	RB's, roast beef.
	Yeah, RB.
	That's why it's RBs.
	Isn't that crazy?
	It is cool.
	That's some shit that blows my mind more than it should.
	Oh, you know?
	Yeah, that's the kind of shit people don't know who like the seventh president was, but they know that.
	Right.
	It's like when you're a child and they do this, got your nose, and you're like, hold the fuck on.
	You better slow down there, brother.
	What are we doing here?
	Give me that back.
	Yeah, I found out RB's was RB's like recently.
	Yeah.
	I didn't know a pickle and a cucumber were the same thing until I was 22. Oh, yeah, that does blow your mind, doesn't it?
	Nobody tells you that.
	We're learning about Volvo's and goddamn sexual ed.
	Dude, remember when Jolly Ranchers came out?
	Dude, I was thinking about- I might have been past my.
	But do you remember?
	I mean, you got people.
	Because a candy had never lasted that long.
	No.
	I want to tell you that.
	Before that, they'd had fucking candies.
	They'd had mints and they'd had damn.
	Even when you break it down, it's still tough.
	Oh, God.
	You couldn't even fucking.
	You had to hire a man to fucking almost chew on it for you a little bit and then put it back in your mouth.
	God.
	You remember when Yogurt Land came out?
	Not Yogurt Land, Pinkberry.
	Yeah, Pinkberry.
	Pinkberry had the world by the goddamn sack and a half.
	And what happened?
	It was tart yogurt.
	And everyone's like, what the fuck is this?
	Our brains couldn't comprehend it.
	And it went under?
	I think they're still out there.
	But like at the time.
	Yeah, I saw one recently.
	Yeah, they're out there.
	They are.
	But at the time, our brains were like, why is this ice cream tart?
	Yeah.
	And the world just couldn't comprehend it.
	It was like Burger King chicken fries.
	Yes.
	So goddamn good.
	And they were paying, and we just had Brianna chicken fry on, actually.
	Oh, nice.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, she's great.
	Yeah, she's interesting.
	I remember in Dallas, a girl, this was like years and years ago, maybe like 2017, she DMed me before the show.
	She goes, you can pour chocolate sauce on my titties.
	And before I was getting off stage, I was like, hold up, before I get out of here, I remember this DM.
	Where's the chocolate sauce titty girl?
	And she's like, woo!
	And then we hooked up with that night and she had some Franzia bags on her.
	And I'm talking aged, like fine wine.
	Great.
	She DMed me like maybe like six months ago.
	I was like, thinking about you.
	I was like, I'm thinking about them.
	Damn.
	God.
	But something like that, like that's a DM where you're like, I can't not not answer this.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Sometimes it's cool if you have a chick just kind of lean off the bed and hang one tit off the bed.
	Man, like it's looking for an iPhone charger.
	I sound like that.
	Yeah.
	You think if you were a female, you'd have more ass and more rack?
	Dude, I think if I were a female, I would just probably wouldn't leave the house.
	I'd probably get nipples put onto my butt cheeks and just go all tits, no ass.
	All tits, no ass.
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	That would.
	All tits, no ass.
	You had that just unlimited tits?
	I kind of like it because it comes around.
	You know, like up front, front of parents, people are like, yeah, whatever.
	That's just Theovana, whatever your name is.
	And then you walk away and they're like, oh, damn, I've misspoken.
	You know, because up front, you're just chilling.
	Then on the back, you got the hemi.
	If you saw that bra in somebody's ass, you'd be like, my God, they're doing that well.
	It's like a Lamborghini.
	You got the engine in the back.
	Yeah.
	Got the Hemi up on those legs.
	I love that, man.
	It's fun.
	You know, it's cool that people have an ass and tits, man.
	I love.
	What do you got, Zach?
	What's up in the news over there for you?
	we're watching this video on this girl did a She's an Asian woman.
	She changed her face to look like Kobe Bryant, and it's pretty crazy.
	So there's a debate.
	Is this blackface or not?
	You tell me.
	Yeah, I mean, immediately, yes.
	No, you think?
	I will say this.
	This looks like a lot of the portraits that you've seen drawn of Kobe around town.
	I haven't seen really many good portraits of Kobe, which is fucked up given how great he was.
	Let's see her one more time.
	This is like Kobe Bryant you saw him on like Hollywood Boulevard.
	She looks like Charlemagne in like 20 years, I feel like.
	Do you think this is considered blackface?
	Not to me, it's not.
	It might be considered Laker face.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Western Conference face, but I don't think this is black face.
	How do you...
	I mean, dude, this is...
	You're Asian, dude.
	Some Asians don't even talk to each other, dude.
	If you've been to China, bro, it's 70 billion people not even talking to each other.
	That's crazy.
	It's unbelievable.
	I feel like that's how my brain works.
	It's like 70 million thoughts, but nobody's aligned.
	Nobody's connecting.
	Nobody's, you know, running it past each other.
	What are people saying?
	Are they into this or not?
	I don't think so.
	I mean, first of all, it has 16 million views, 17 million views.
	I mean, if that's what you got to do to get those views, I don't know what to do.
	I mean, people are saying it's blackface.
	Well, here's what I think.
	She's going to be on the Nugged Boys podcast tomorrow.
	Yeah.
	At a certain point, Blackface was...
	They were doing it because black people weren't allowed to be actors, so they painted white people as black people.
	Oh, I didn't know that.
	She's trying to look like Kobe.
	How else would she do it?
	Don't.
	And then someone said, I feel like she's just displaying her makeup art talent.
	Blackface is really a reach here.
	Yeah, maybe that's what I think.
	This looks a little artistic.
	I don't know.
	It kind of uncomforts me if a kid who really loves a black athlete can't be the, I mean, I guess you can just by having the jersey.
	But like if they wanted to, like, cause a kid, if he has no malice in him and he's not trying to like do anything bad, I don't know.
	At a certain point, uh, yeah, I think people, if you have the jersey, people still get the gist.
	Nobody's wearing just a Kobe jersey and they're like, I don't believe you.
	Then you just pass them a can of paint and like, you know what to do.
	Yeah, mean it.
	But then here's the crazy part.
	There'll be some black people like, oh, you ain't fucking real, bro, unless you paint yourself up.
	You know, and then next thing you know, the guys.
	You can't win.
	Yeah, the guys, yeah, that's the thing.
	You can't really win because there's always that part of you that's like, oh, there's always that part of black culture that's like, oh, you ain't real enough, you know, unless you go all the way in.
	And then there's always that part of the culture that's like, oh, this is too much, bro.
	You fucking using cultural appropriation.
	I think if she wanted, you just go half.
	She could just do half.
	Yeah, there you go.
	You know, that way, like, if somebody's like, that's offensive, she turns like this.
	And like, what do you mean?
	Like, ah, but then the crowd that's like, oh, that's not folding a boom.
	Yeah.
	Kind of like a flounder.
	And she's Asian.
	If it were a white person, maybe it gets looked at a little bit differently.
	This person is an Asian person.
	They don't know what they're doing.
	She doesn't even know Kobe Bryant passed away.
	Yeah, she probably doesn't.
	And also, is this Kobe Bryant?
	Let's look at this fucking person.
	It looks more like maybe like Ron Artest after he's been doing a lot of Equinox.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I would say that it looks more like, I mean, yeah, the more I look at this, this doesn't look anything like Kobe Bryant.
	this looks like No, they're all a little off, huh?
	Right.
	That would piss me off.
	Yeah, this looks like Ryan.
	Yeah, I think you're right on the run or test.
	I don't even know who this looks like a black guy that would work like in an office or something, like a FedEx brother.
	Do you ever seen that guy hooping at a gym and he's wearing all Michael Jordan head to toe?
	It kind of looks like a little bit.
	There should be a video.
	He's like hooping out like a 24 Fitness.
	What else we got, Zach?
	Heard of news.
	California's about to ban Skittles.
	Really?
	Other candies, yeah.
	Oh, this is interesting.
	Yeah, apparently they're kind of toxic.
	I fucking love Sittles.
	So Skittles, Pez, hot tamales.
	This is going to happen.
	And many more popular candies.
	The California Assembly last week will only pass Assembly Bill 418 sending the legislation over to state senate.
	As long as I don't ban TikTok, I don't really give a fuck what they ban.
	Skittles is just funny.
	It's like we have vape-flavored Skittles.
	Hot tamales too, though.
	Skittles-flavored vapes, you know.
	Well, I guess they're linked to cancer.
	That's a big thing.
	Skittles.
	Skittles.
	I mean, allegedly, that's why this is all kind of.
	Is this our generations putting Coke in Coke back in the day?
	You know?
	Like, was there cancer in the Skittles and they knew it or whatever?
	Yeah.
	What if?
	I mean, I think I'm like, this is just, some things just change over time, you know?
	If the chemicals are bad, then they're bad.
	Who knows?
	What's Skittles slogan?
	Taste the rainbow.
	Oh, well, we should get rid of that first before we do anything.
	Yeah, especially on the heels of all the, remember, all the Bud Light stuff, which has been so crazy for them.
	Aren't they doing like a camo can to like combat it?
	Yeah.
	I think they just do both.
	It's camo rainbow, a rainbow camo.
	And just say, fuck the free.
	It would look like a four loco, honestly.
	Yeah.
	I miss a good four loco.
	It's crazy how many.
	But then also, the craziest thing about the Bud Light thing is all they did was send that girl some beers, right?
	Or that guy, Dylan Mulvaney.
	I don't even know what happened.
	They sent him some beers.
	You know, like sometimes like brands will send you stuff and they'll put your name on it or try to make it personalized to you so that you'll share it or make it a social thing.
	That's what they did.
	That's all they did.
	Yeah.
	But Mulvaney took it and said, oh, they made me a spo.
	Like Mulvaney is the one who blew it up.
	All they did was send a little gift thing.
	What did the can?
	I don't think they paid Mulvaney or not.
	What did the can look like?
	Or that was the one.
	That's it right there.
	Oh, wait.
	I didn't even know what the can look like.
	For some reason, I thought it would.
	Huh.
	Yeah, that's it.
	They just put her picture on a can.
	So she then blows it up and then people, you know.
	Now it's just so much bigger than what they like.
	Unbelievable.
	The joke is so much bigger than what it actually was.
	The only person it really behooved was Herm.
	Yeah, and I mean, Dylan probably made a lot of money off this.
	And exposure.
	Oh, of course.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I believe that he's a gay male that's looking for clout, but I don't know that definitely.
	It's just something that I believe, and I could be wrong.
	What do you think, Zach?
	Yeah, I don't know.
	I mean, the thing is, people thought that this was being distributed nationwide.
	No, it wasn't.
	And it wasn't.
	So it's kind of a perfect example of misinformation.
	Like, people didn't take any time to read into it further.
	It's just the joke was so much bigger than the actual story that now anytime you see somebody drinking a Bud Light, you're like, oh, I better keep my pants on.
	Or if I'm down, you know, like the joke.
	It's fun now, too, you could buy somebody a Bud Light if it's getting late and you think they're gay.
	Yeah, I mean, now it's like, it's past the point of the controversy, but now it's just like funny at Bud Light.
	It has nothing to do with Dylan.
	It's more just like, like, it's funny, like, send a group of dudes on a bachelor party out of Buffalo Wild Wings, but like, hey, can we send them around a Bud Lights?
	And then they get in, they're like, oh, what?
	I guess we're going to suck each other off now.
	Just start going after it.
	Like, it's funnier now than the actual controversy, I think.
	Yeah, I agree.
	Yeah, I agree.
	It's almost just funny now.
	It's like a funny thing.
	It's crazy how quickly something goes from being like real serious to funny now.
	It's like it used to be that that probably would have taken two years.
	Well, now it's just the name Bud Light is a joke in the same way that the name like Kyle or like Chad or some of these big or Karen, these big meme names are just forever implanted that.
	So now you'll never think of a Bud Light again the same.
	And we'll be 93 in our chairs with Dimension, be like, fucking Bud Light.
	And just talking to a Brick wall, you know, Benjamin's gay, you know.
	We're just running our laps in our head of thoughts.
	What else we got, Zach?
	What else is going on?
	I can tell you this: last night I was at a fireplace and a moth landed on the corner and then he just flew directly into the fire.
	I was like, You are looking for the wrong light, brother.
	He's his time was done.
	I saw him land.
	I was like, damn, he's awfully close to the fire.
	He contemplated it maybe like four seconds and then just beelined right into the flames.
	It's kind of sad, but honestly, I respect it.
	Yeah, well, I mean, I think it's a lot of people how like addiction happens.
	It's like you want something, you feel it makes you feel warm.
	It's a good light, and you're like, I'm going all the way in.
	Think about that.
	He's like, I'm fucking done with light bulbs.
	Give me the brightest, hottest shit you can find.
	I want all the smoke.
	Yeah.
	God.
	I kind of respect him a little bit.
	I might get him tattooed on my bicep.
	Yeah, Mothy?
	Dude, I saw one time I was in church and a woman, a butterfly came and landed on her face at church.
	Really?
	And she said, oh, that's my son.
	He visits me every year.
	He died this time like seven years ago.
	Wow.
	So it was at this Crystal Cathedral in Orange, California.
	And the doors of the church open, like the whole wall opens so that butterfly, so that like you can just, the organ is like right there.
	It's just beautiful.
	It's always nice.
	And this butterfly came all the way in and landed right on her cheek.
	She said, that's my son.
	He died in a motorcycle accident.
	And he comes and visits me.
	Well, I would start tearing up on spot.
	It was crazy, man.
	I got some pictures with her.
	I got to go look and see if I had to do that.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah.
	I got some pictures like this.
	And she just got the butterfly.
	Did the butterfly ever come to you at all?
	No, it kind of stayed on her face for probably about 15 minutes.
	Wow.
	And then it left.
	That'd be cool if you and the butterfly became boys.
	Just left right out the same way it came in.
	Yeah.
	Could be interesting.
	Yeah, videos like that would make me tear up.
	Also, yeah, when's the last time you teared up, you think?
	Oh, man, probably recently.
	Yeah.
	You know, just a lot of stuff in my personal life and just kind of just figuring, I'm just trying to figure out like what and who I am, I guess.
	Like I know very much career-wise, but I think internally, you know, like I'm 30 and I'm like, I don't have a family.
	I don't really know what's going on.
	And it's like, sure, I can drown my life out with work.
	And, you know, I can always be like, I have more tour dates, make more videos, edit this.
	But it's like, it's those moments where I'm sitting still.
	I'm like, what?
	What am I doing this for?
	Who would I want to share this with?
	Damn.
	I don't know, not to get deep, but I probably like that.
	Or if I see a video of like, you know, somebody coming home from the war and surprising their son at a baseball field, that'll give me every time.
	Or it's like the Wiz Khalifa song.
	See you again.
	Those always make me cry.
	Those are those, man.
	Or like the dad walks into the baseball or to the classroom.
	Oh, I watch those anytime I need to adjust my feelings.
	Those are the videos that I go to.
	Those always make me feel.
	Just feel.
	I just feel right there.
	Those are great.
	You know what videos I love watching for the opposite reasons?
	It's Stolen Valor videos.
	You ever seen those in the airport?
	When the guy's like, Phil Winner, he's like, oh, you serve too.
	Nice.
	Where'd you serve at?
	And the guy's like, St. Petersburg.
	And the guy's like, really?
	Because if you did, it'd be on your left shoulder.
	It starts going at him.
	And then he's like, Stolen Valor.
	The guy just trying to get a free Cinnabon at the airport.
	I'm fucking, God, it's so funny.
	It's such a loser thing to do.
	Oh, it's the, when people do Stolen Valor, they should make them have to do a week of boot camp.
	Oh, that's like, that's their punishment.
	Dude, the videos are just so funny because it's like, what are you trying to do it for?
	They always look like the guy at the top left.
	Yeah.
	It's always at a restaurant, too.
	Restaurant or the airport?
	Because they're trying to get like a free meal or something?
	Oh, yeah, that's what they're using it for.
	Yeah, that or like respect or something like board the plane first.
	That's just too many hacks, man.
	If you're hacking the world this much, you got to shut it down, bro.
	Yeah, it's just, I don't know, man.
	There's better ways to do it.
	Like, don't wear, like, like, I would just wear a t-shirt that says like Oregon Donor.
	Somebody will help you out.
	Yeah, that's a good point.
	And that's not stolen valor.
	If you aren't, maybe it is.
	The craziest stolen valor is when you see somebody wearing like a Travis Kelsey jersey.
	And they're not, it's like.
	And they're not Travis Kelsey.
	Yeah, but the video is always so funny because you can tell they did their research up to a certain point.
	But they're not even as healthy as Randy Travis.
	Yeah, right.
	Bring up Randy Travis.
	Yeah, they're so funny to me.
	And God bless Randy Travis.
	He's an amazing singer.
	He has a disability.
	What is it called?
	He's got something.
	Oh, they're not.
	Lou.
	What's he got?
	Lou Gehrigs?
	Maybe Lou Gehrigs, yeah.
	Or somebody, Gehriggs.
	What's he got?
	He had a stroke.
	Oh, he had a stroke.
	Damn.
	My bad.
	But he's got, yeah.
	Yeah, but if you see somebody in a rant, yeah, in a Travis Kelsey jersey, and they're not even Travis Kelsey.
	They're not, yeah, and they're not even Randy.
	They're not even like, you know.
	They're not even Travis Pastrano.
	Yeah.
	And he's deceased, didn't he?
	No, no, he's alive.
	Yeah, he's very.
	Yeah, so they, so anyway, that kind of stuff to me is some real stolen valet.
	What makes you laugh or what makes you cry?
	Well, let's do both sides.
	Well, I mean, what you're saying, I think about like not knowing like what's going, like, what am I doing this for?
	Fuck, dude, that shit can.
	I find my emotions get really high like that.
	And then I kind of calm myself down.
	I'm like, it doesn't matter what, if I don't know the answers today, that's fine.
	And then I can like walk myself through, but it starts off high.
	Then I like walk myself through it.
	Yeah.
	And then I saw that moth go straight into that fire.
	I was thinking about this last night, actually.
	I saw a moth go right into the fire.
	I was like, damn, maybe that's, I don't know.
	Everybody has their own journey.
	Whoa, whoa, brother.
	That moth was not feeling it.
	But yeah, I don't know.
	I think that's, I usually feel that, and then I can walk myself through it.
	And I go, that's fine.
	It can keep going.
	That's the thing.
	If you don't get an idea of what you want to do, then whatever you're doing will just continue.
	I noticed that for myself.
	It's like I work all the time.
	I mean, last night I'm messaging Zach at freaking midnight about something.
	It just can't shut the brain off.
	I'm the same way.
	And I'm so, so thankful that I knew what I wanted to do at a young age.
	Like the fact that I'm more lost in life than I am with career, it's a blessing because the other ways it can be just, it's just a different way.
	Yeah, I mean, the Trice is always greener.
	It's like you have the perfect family relationship, but you're fucking, you know, you work at H ⁇ R Block and you're like, I wanted to be a balloon animal artist.
	Yeah.
	And now you're in the bathroom blowing up goddamn Trojans, making snakes.
	Oh, yeah, drug muling, dude.
	Yeah.
	So, I don't know.
	I don't think I ever have to know what's really going on.
	You just take it day by day.
	Oh, yeah, dude.
	I think sometimes, bro, but I notice if you don't have an idea or get an idea, at some point, you'll just continue.
	Like, I just continue to work.
	My life continues to be kind of the same cycle.
	Some of it is because, like, of like just being late to figuring out what's going on with myself, you know, whereas now as I do start to look a little bit more like I want a family or I'm alone by myself and it's like, man, after a while, this gets boring.
	Right.
	You know, or you want to have somebody to share like a nice time with, you know.
	But then you have a family and you go to Disneyland and all of a sudden some dude's swinging on you.
	Yeah.
	And then you're like, God, I wish I was fucking single.
	So there's no, you know?
	There's no perfect way.
	There isn't.
	And that's what I think you find out just through time.
	You just find out what you like and what you don't like and you try to tend to what you like as much as you can.
	Yeah.
	Do you think you would ever leave your wife and children?
	Definitely.
	Respect.
	Would you ever leave your wife and kids?
	I believe that if I don't want to.
	I'm going to say that right now.
	I do not want to leave you guys.
	Wherever they are.
	Yeah.
	And I. Dude, I used to write postcards to my kids like that.
	Like years ago, I'd write postcards.
	Even though I didn't even have them.
	Where would you send them?
	Just to my own address and like save them for my kids for when I get older or whatever.
	That's crazy, right?
	Did you have their names already picked out or it'd be like insert name?
	I can't remember if I put their names first.
	I think I just put.
	Dear name here.
	Yeah.
	Lil Vaughn, something, you know.
	Yeah, little Vaughn.
	Gertrude.
	Yeah, I can't remember.
	Or unborn or something like fucking weird.
	Yeah, yeah.
	But because I think part of me always wanted probably to have children, but I could never see any way how I was going to get there from where I was where I was at.
	Well, what happens with me, I was with a couple recently and they've been together for five years.
	They got a kid on the way.
	And hearing them talk made me realize how far away I am from where they are in life.
	You know, they're like, oh, we're getting married next year.
	We just had a kid.
	And like the way they would talk, like she would start talking and then he'd be like, do you want, should I finish the story?
	Because you're telling me you're wrong.
	I'll finish the story.
	Then they're like going back, they're like arguing with each other.
	Then they bring it to you.
	And like, I was so disconnected to where those two were at in life of a family.
	And like, you know, if a family was like a, like a pie chart, like they had so much more pie than me.
	Like I had just a little sliver.
	Yeah, you were more a la mode, huh?
	Yeah, I was on the side.
	I was a little, I was a little raspberry on the side just hanging out.
	Well, I think, but also for some people, there's different paths, you know, and it's hard to battle with whatever your path has been.
	You know, it's like, I felt like when I was a kid, like I just didn't have like a lot of affection and stuff at home.
	But then as an adult, like you're saying, I got a lot more like affection is from strangers, you know?
	So it's almost like you just never really know what the path for life is going to be.
	So, you know, you might like Robert Downey Johnson or whatever just had a kid at 79 years old, right?
	De Niro.
	Robert De Niro.
	Did he really?
	Yeah.
	He backed up down there?
	No, he just had a kid, man.
	Wow.
	Yeah, Robert.
	Well, how old your dad was old.
	My dad was 70, yeah.
	So you were doing, so he was following in the footsteps of your father.
	Yeah, I mean, my dad, I mean, and this is nine years later, that's crazy.
	I remember my dad would tell me stories about kids in his village, like eating dirt, village starving.
	That's how you know his old village is crazy.
	There he is right there.
	He's still pumping.
	Is that his wife?
	And he's hammering on that mixed yam, homie.
	Yeah, look at that.
	His lady.
	Oh, yeah.
	Gang, baby.
	Damn.
	I feel like after he busts one, he does like, he like hops on his glasses and like polishes on like a silk t-shirt.
	Yeah.
	What's the, oh, that's good.
	What's the best post ejaculate move?
	I would say finger pistols or a ganer flip into a hot tub.
	The flip where you run back when to, what is that?
	It's a forward-facing backflip?
	That's crazy.
	If you come and then just do a ganner flip into a body of water, you get knocked up and that son is addicted to vape early.
	Oh, dude.
	Here's the crazy thing.
	These days, somebody who can do a forward backflip, like you're saying, is looked at more prestigiously than somebody who's serving in the military.
	Oh, dude.
	I mean, if I see you do that, you're in my will.
	I don't give a fuck.
	You earn part of what I earn forever.
	You're more important than my agent and manager.
	Bro, it's so crazy how one little thing that somebody can do.
	Yeah, what's the craziest thing?
	I think, oh, one thing that's crazy is if you say I'm going to the restroom, you go hide in their apartment.
	Just anywhere?
	Yeah.
	Just in the pantry, eating nibiscos?
	Well, you hide and they have to go look for you like, oh, it's hiding.
	This person is a fucking psycho.
	I'm definitely taking plan B after this person.
	Yes.
	And then you forgot it's your apartment and they just leave.
	Stand there for seven hours.
	What do you think?
	What do you think a girl would get the most turned on?
	Like what moves do you think you could do that would like, she'd be like, oh my God, Theo's so much more attractive than I thought.
	Like what's a move besides hiding?
	I don't know.
	I don't have a lot of strong moves.
	I think I like the Wi-Fi.
	Maybe kissing on the neck a little bit I like.
	Yeah.
	On you or you to her?
	Me to her.
	I like kissing on a woman's neck, probably.
	Unless you got too much perfume on there.
	Oh, yeah.
	God dang.
	Some ladies put that shit on, bro.
	Right.
	Your tongue goes numb.
	You got fentanyl on your neck.
	I know, damn, bro.
	Some lady, that shit is too much, bro.
	It's a little heavy.
	But I like it.
	The next day, if the pillow kind of smells like her, that's some shit where I'm like.
	That's nice.
	That's life.
	That's wife.
	That's nice stuff.
	That's how, like, I met up with my ex a couple months after we had broken up.
	And that scent was the same scent.
	And it brought back so many memories.
	It's just associated, you know?
	Yeah, we had a chick at our school that used to go to school and she put that orange bathroom cleaner.
	You know, that smell that's in all the bathrooms.
	Fabulosa?
	Oh, no.
	No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
	It was just very generic orange bathroom cleaner.
	I think it was called that, too.
	Generic orange bathroom cleaner.
	Yeah, something just like a government.
	Bit of bisco, yeah.
	Yeah, it was a government scent.
	She'd put that shit on.
	Oh, Aja?
	And I would smell it.
	No, no, this is way too commercialized.
	A lot of that.
	Uh.
	And she would put it on?
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	Maybe that was it up one.
	Smelling like vitamin Up one and to the left.
	Something like that.
	Eco orange, yeah.
	Yeah.
	She put that fucking eco orange on at school.
	I like the scent of the pink soap they got in the schools.
	That stuff's good.
	That stuff was nice.
	It tastes like Robotussin.
	Oh, you're not supposed to taste it.
	But.
	I used to huff a lot of things as a child.
	God, yeah.
	There you go right there.
	Get that one you.
	Yeah.
	that's the stuff we're looking at.
	Yeah, but the scent to that reminds me of the dentist's office, but like in a good way.
	Advantage chemicals, it was called.
	Dude, they did not put any fucking work into that name.
	Like, it's a contest, dude.
	Advantage chemicals.
	You just knew you were going to lose.
	That's at a crime scene.
	You pour that over a dead body and the body just disintegrates.
	Oh, that's that Dexter sauce, homie.
	That's all that is.
	What other news we got?
	There's a ton of stories on there.
	Can I go pee real quick?
	Yeah, let's go piss, man.
	Take a break.
	What else?
	You've been dating?
	What have you been doing?
	Because last time we saw each other, we went to Young Gravy's, remember?
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah.
	I saw you with Young Gravy.
	I was seeing a lady at that point.
	Yeah, I'm kind of just trying to figure things out right now.
	I'm really just, I'm filming a special in July, so I'm really just trying to focus on everything just comedy related right now.
	But it's hard because, you know, like you said, you're like, man, I like going on dates.
	It's fun.
	It's like, it's fun kind of building up chemistry with people, seeing if it's working or not and whatnot.
	But sometimes, yeah, you just like you have a show and like you meet a really cool chick and you're like, all right, let's feel this out.
	Like sometimes you don't even want to date, but somebody gets brought into your life and you're like, oh, let me explore, let me see what's going on here.
	Do you have a process for not wasting your time and their time a little bit?
	I think I'm getting...
	Do you do a call first usually?
	Do you do anything like that or you just kind of...
	No, I wish...
	I know some people like FaceTime before, but that's so weird.
	It feels weird, but if it saves everybody the time.
	That's true.
	I don't know if I have a plan.
	I should have a better plan.
	I need to start to have a plan, I think, if I want to get a wife and family.
	Not that I can choose what's going to happen because you don't know what's going to happen.
	But I think I should have at least a little bit of a pattern I'd like to follow to help myself.
	Yeah, I kind of feel it out.
	Just like you can kind of feel it through texting, like what type of person that is.
	But like some people talk to, they got it all mapped out.
	I don't have like that.
	They're like, first date, you go to drinks.
	It's an easy in.
	It's an easy out.
	Second date, park, free, cheap, get out.
	Third date, then you have food.
	It's like, it's all mapped out.
	I kind of just feel it out.
	Yeah.
	Like, I'll take a girl to a steakhouse four minutes in, and I'll be like, we don't need to be here.
	Yeah.
	You know, or she'll say something.
	She's like, oh, we could have just watched the sunset.
	You're like, that shit's free.
	You're like, steak, miss steak.
	God damn, send this back.
	It's medium rare.
	And send me back.
	I don't really have a process.
	I don't know.
	I don't really know what's going on in life a lot of times, really.
	Yeah, I think it's, well, it's just interesting, especially these days, I think we're all so like on social media.
	We're all on, like, we're constantly being entertained by stuff, right?
	Correct.
	There's so much entertainment.
	Like, you can turn on your phone at any point.
	You can see like an amazing goal being scored.
	Someone battling something severe in their life.
	Somebody doing a GoFummy.
	Somebody lost their arms, legs, and head I saw the other day.
	Some guy lost his arms, legs, and head.
	You can also watch a man getting head.
	In a thing.
	Yeah.
	And you can do go funmy for both.
	It's crazy how much stimulation your brain is throwing at you all at once.
	It's the best of everything.
	Right, all in a few minutes.
	But then you shut it off and you come back to whatever your regular life is.
	And usually I think in that time when your brain would have been kind of processing what's going on in your own life, because your brain's kind of a processor, right?
	It wants to organize things.
	Of course.
	Your brain wants to organize things.
	Like that's its like modus operanda.
	Like that's what it does.
	It like notices patterns.
	It organizes things so you have the best, most comfortable way to live and survive, right?
	That's like what its whole job is.
	So I think usually when we're relaxing or resting or giving our brain time to kind of process and we're not just constantly entertaining, then we are able to have more things figured out.
	Whereas I think now when we're just doing constant entertainment, you're not getting as much figured out like in the background.
	You're never giving your brain a chance to openly think.
	That's why.
	You got to return the books.
	It's like, you know, at the library, you see all the stacks of books that were returned.
	Yep.
	And you're like, damn, the book I really like could be in there, but I don't even know.
	We're not giving our brain a chance to return new books.
	We're just fucking opening up millions of fucking books.
	There's not anything on the shelf anymore.
	Exactly.
	Tons of books.
	And throwing books to the shelf and they fall right off.
	Dewey Decimal is shooting up in the corner.
	One division hasn't been talking to in a long time.
	That boy turned an ketamine ASAP down by the Hudson.
	But that's really kind of a neat analogy.
	I didn't think about that before, but that's kind of what it's like.
	It is.
	Because all those thoughts are in your brain, but you're just, you're distracting it with social media.
	And I mean, it is wild.
	And that's why like people fucking lose their mind, you know, on a plane before you can't take off and there's no like, there's no like Wi-Fi yet or you can't open up your laptop.
	The dark 11. They call it that dark 11 minutes.
	Oh, do they?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, but that's who you are in that 11 minutes is who you really are.
	Who you are when your phone is dead, that's who you really are.
	When you're just sitting there at an IHOP with a dead phone and you got to make eye contact with the lady with one eye, I'll take the flapjack and what the fuck happened there.
	But like those moments, it's like I did that last night.
	When I was sitting by the fireplace, I didn't have my phone and I just wanted to just, I just wanted to, I've been traveling so much, I kind of like lost my own narrative a little bit.
	And I just was like, what is important right now?
	What do I want to focus on?
	And I just stared into the fire and it's just like, I had every thought that I've been neglecting.
	It felt nice.
	It's kind of like when people do mushrooms.
	It's like those thoughts get brought to the surface.
	I'm trying to think of one of my favorite times on mushrooms ever.
	I like being on a bird scooter, a little buzz.
	I know that's illegal, but it feels fucking.
	Is it illegal?
	I feel like they only work if you have a buzz.
	Dude, I remember when we were children, they had, we did some LSD or mushrooms, right?
	Or one of the two.
	Or LSD.
	And we went to the Waffle House, and it was the first time we'd seen a gay dude, right?
	Or alleged gay or whatever.
	At Waffle House?
	Yeah.
	Or just in general.
	I can't remember.
	But it was the first time we'd seen a gay dude like this close to like a kitchen, right?
	And it was, they had, or it was like the first time we'd seen like a gay dude with like a menu, you know?
	Okay.
	So my buddy started just laughing so hard.
	We were just on drug, right?
	We were laughing so hard.
	The guy thought that he was choking, right?
	Because of how he was laughing.
	Like he was like laughing so much.
	He was like almost spitting up.
	So he starts doing the Heimlich maneuver on a dude that we just thought was gay.
	So now the whole restaurant is like, what's going on here?
	Let's almost say restaurant.
	This is where like this is normal waffle house behavior.
	This is where people, and in our town, like they had a long bridge near our town.
	It was the longest bridge in the world for a while, and it dropped off.
	One end of it was by our town.
	Nice.
	And the, so the police, everybody they caught on that bridge drunk drive and they would drop off at this waffle house.
	So it was like a fucking.
	That was your drunk tank?
	Was a waffle house?
	Yeah.
	I mean, if I was drunk, I would definitely stay.
	So it was like a booze.
	It was actually smart.
	Yeah.
	It was a booze zoo for fucking just derelicts, you know?
	So anyway, but this alleged gay dude is just fucking hung at my buddy who's not.
	He already coughed up and he's still gone.
	Oh no, he's good.
	He's good.
	They just turn out maybe not.
	And I'm like, is this dude really at EMT or is this dude just having like kind of like a fit of gay or whatever?
	You know?
	But he was pumping on my homie pretty good.
	Waffle House, you walk in there sober, but you sit in that chair long enough, you feel a little bit.
	You don't know what drug it is.
	If it's an upper or a downer or just life, but you feel that.
	Oh, it's that fucking margarine buzz, homie.
	I fucking love Waffle House.
	There was a donut shop in my hometown where if you used to flash them your tits, you get free donuts.
	They never did it for me, but they did have.
	God, I love that.
	But like, I was always wondering, like, do they do a by size?
	Like, what if you showed your tits and like, all right, here's a donut hole?
	I'd be like, damn, I got fake tits for no reason.
	But yeah, like, if you had some knockers, they'd be like, here's a bear claw.
	It's kind of crazy.
	That was the original Girls Gone Wild.
	God, I'd show my...
	When I was a kid, so good.
	In our neighborhood, if you had respect for something, you'd take your shirt off.
	Yeah, what is that?
	It's just like a thing.
	It's almost very native, I think.
	You would.
	Alpha?
	Yeah, or no, not alpha, just like you wanted them to, like it was a sign of respect.
	Like a standing ovation, but for your body.
	Yeah, because I think back in the day, we didn't have clothes on all the time.
	That's true.
	Who invented clothes?
	Can you look it up?
	Some fucking idiot, probably.
	That's what I'm saying.
	You want to see less tip?
	Unless it was like a parent, then I get it.
	But like.
	Yeah.
	The Neanderthals.
	Oh, Ronnie Pants did it, huh?
	The first known humans to make clothing.
	Neanderthal man survived from about 200,000 BCE to about 30,000.
	Wow, 170,000 years.
	Did they do it because they were cold or they were just too horny?
	During this time.
	Maybe tried celibacy, and he's like, bro, you got to cover those nips up or something.
	During this time, the Earth's temperature rose and fell dramatically, creating a series of ice ages throughout the northern areas.
	When was the first clothing made?
	Can you go down to that?
	Who was the first boy?
	That's 200,000 BCE.
	That's what they said.
	Okay.
	And what was it?
	Can we look and see what it was?
	It's got to be like a leaf.
	The first clothes were made from natural elements, animal skin and furs, grasses and leaves, and bones and shells.
	It was often draped or tied.
	However, simple needles made out of animal bone provided evidence of sewn leather and fur garments from at least 30,000 years ago.
	Oh, wow.
	Did they even have...
	You think you could?
	100%.
	I think so.
	How do you roll up?
	When do you roll up?
	Not in the middle of the day.
	It's hot as hell, right?
	Because somebody's in a cave.
	Like when are you flexing it?
	Probably if I was, you know what I would do?
	I'm going to go get some water, right?
	Go to the well.
	No clothes.
	Not come back with the water and the clothes.
	And they'd be like, oh my God.
	I'd be like, oh, yeah.
	Oh, oh, this?
	Oh, the water or the outfit?
	You know, like a little, like, subtle, like, oh, which one?
	Which one's dripping?
	You know?
	Which one got that water, Shoddy?
	Who went now?
	The town caveman?
	I don't know.
	When would you do it?
	I don't, that's a good question, bro.
	I think if you roll in around dinner with a special deal, like a little dessert or a little dessert.
	Yeah, fruit or something.
	You bring a fucking apple they never seen, dude.
	Everybody's smashing, bro.
	And dude, back in the day, there was no way to let people know you were happy except to probably jerk off.
	Oh, I'm sure if you brought...
	What about stick figures?
	Or like the...
	Kmart?
	Hieroglyphics?
	No, dude.
	Somebody.
	What is it?
	Maybe.
	If you're stuck in a room, you're stuck in a cave, right?
	You're in there by fire and somebody brings an apple and you've never fucking seen one and you take a bite of it.
	Oh, that would do things to me.
	I still feel that way.
	A cold Granny Smith, I would take that over sex a lot of days.
	Cold Granny Smith, a little bit of peanut butter on it.
	Come on now.
	She'll never leave you unread.
	Do you DM a lot of girls that you think are attractive?
	Or you hit you up?
	I usually wait until people DM me.
	Because I'm so scared of rejection that I have sent a DM to a hot chick that I thought was pretty cute or something.
	And it fucks with my ego because if I hit them up and they don't respond, then I'm like, oh, all right.
	Maybe I'm just invisible.
	And who knows?
	She maybe is dating somebody or she's not into super sexy buff guys like me.
	Like, who knows what the flaw is?
	Yeah.
	But what about you?
	Do you?
	I sent, let me think, I sent Bruce Willis's doll and his daughter's a DM one time and she didn't write me back.
	But how did that, did that do anything for your ego?
	Or were you just like, damn?
	No, I saw her at a party and I'd seen her before.
	I just thought she was really neat and had just.
	That's a rejection for me then.
	You know, visually, I was very, you know, stimulated by her.
	She didn't say anything.
	No, what did you say?
	I said, oh, good evening.
	I said, oh, good evening.
	There's bugs in here.
	I said, oh, good evening.
	All right, what do you say?
	Oh, damn, he's got a lot of them.
	I should have went through the catalog.
	I didn't know that I had.
	Somebody will get back to you.
	Her?
	Rumor?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	That's her name?
	Rumor?
	Yeah.
	That's crazy.
	Yeah, beautiful.
	Or she, you know, attractive lady.
	I don't know her that well, but she just had.
	I just saw her somewhere and yeah, so then I sent her a DM, but that's okay.
	It's like, you know, that's life.
	What are you going to do?
	It is.
	And you don't know why they didn't respond or whatever.
	She may be married.
	Her dad has been sick.
	She also may have zero interest in me, she may not even.
	You don't know.
	Yeah, it could be anything, dude.
	You're basically just throwing, you're just wishing into the world.
	That's really what it is.
	Yeah.
	And it's kind of for like a dater, get to know somebody.
	So I don't know.
	That's pretty.
	That's okay, though, right?
	Who are the people you're dating?
	Are they people you kind of meet out and about?
	Or are these, you know?
	Let me think.
	A gal that I met at a comedy show.
	Okay.
	But the tough thing is, yeah, you start to look at your schedule.
	You start to look what that's like.
	You start to look at your own ambitions.
	Like, you know, David Spade and I are trying to get that movie done.
	And not to name drop, but people know that.
	And that's what we've been working on.
	And so it's like, that's awesome.
	Well, if I have to go do that, how long does that take?
	And then, you know, people keep, or I want to go tour more.
	So that's probably going to be the rest of this year and next year.
	Yeah, I feel insane when a girl's like, we should get drinks sometimes.
	I'm like, yeah, yeah.
	Are you free in four months?
	I know.
	You're like, sick.
	She's like, no.
	And if I am, I'm dating somebody else.
	But in some weird way, you're like, okay, that's when I'm like here or something.
	Do you ever do chocolate Sundays at the Laugh Factory?
	They book you for a first impression, but it's like two and a half years before.
	They're like, are you available in 2048?
	And you're like, yeah.
	If I'm not dead, I'll be there for my three minutes.
	But I remember like 2015, I signed up for it.
	And thank God it took so long because I was trash then, probably slightly less trash when I did it, but like ended up doing well and you got passed and everything.
	But it's like, it was like a two and a half year wait.
	Yeah.
	It's just so funny to be like, are you available for this?
	You're like, huh?
	Who has plans for that?
	Oh, so I'm going to be enlisted for that.
	My bad.
	Yeah, that's the future, man.
	The future is so weird because it's like we know it exists, but we don't.
	The future, just like a moving walkway of the mall.
	It's just going to keep going.
	No matter who's on it or who's off of it.
	It's just going.
	The future is so.
	Because we know so much about it based on what we know from the past, you know, like, or we assume.
	That's the thing about the future.
	It's this big bowl of assumption, you know?
	It's this fucking grandiose play of assumption.
	So we've assume exactly what's going to happen based on everything that's happened.
	But then that's the goal.
	I think that's the dope ass thing that the future can do, right?
	If the future is a fucking real vibe, right?
	If he's like Trick Daddy or something.
	Oh, it's got a couple of tricks up at sleep.
	Yeah.
	You know, like, oh, flying cars.
	No, here's a flashlight.
	You're like, I'm not mad.
	It kind of works.
	It's kind of better than a flying car.
	You ever used a flashlight?
	Nope.
	I never have.
	Man, have you ever used it?
	I have.
	It's sad.
	The post.
	Does that blink after it's full or whatever?
	What?
	Is that crazy or whatever?
	No.
	My litter robot for my cat does that, though.
	Oh, it does?
	Yeah, after I come into the litter robot.
	No.
	But the post-nut regret is insane because you have to clean it out and you're like in a sink.
	There's dishes you haven't washed in three weeks and you're just in there scrubbing away.
	You catch a glimpse of yourself in like an old fucking shiny cup looking at you.
	Can't you take it to the cleaners or whatever?
	You could probably put it outside and like water it down.
	There has to be a place to mail it or something, you know?
	I think prison.
	They'd be pretty happy with that.
	Dude, we really want to get an inmate.
	If anybody knows an inmate or has a familial inmate, we would love to have a pen pal, I think, in here.
	Oh, a pen pal would be cool.
	And preferably, I would love for them.
	I don't want to say what they're in for, but tell me.
	I'll do.
	Give me a clue.
	Yeah.
	We're going to do a little miming there.
	Yeah, yeah.
	A little game of clue right now.
	I feel like it has to be a good crime, huh?
	Yeah, definitely.
	Because I feel like even, I mean, I would just be so curious to even talk to somebody who's ever murdered somebody.
	I know.
	I've always wanted to.
	The crazy thing is we probably have.
	The dude in a fucking juice shop.
	Hey, are you next in line?
	Oh, yeah.
	Cool.
	This guy's killed somebody.
	Yeah.
	You go first.
	Have you ever talked to somebody who's killed somebody?
	Oh, yeah, dude.
	I got a friend who killed somebody.
	On purpose?
	I don't want to say.
	Well, good.
	Legal reasons.
	But he's, yeah, honestly, bro.
	And he said it's awesome.
	Why did he do it?
	Well, I think we know why he did it.
	Why?
	I don't know.
	But if you're like, was it on accident or not?
	And he said it was awesome.
	I don't think any accidents are awesome.
	He said it was awesome.
	Now you have to know him and know what other stuff I think he thinks is awesome.
	You have to have your own idea of what is awesome.
	You have to be like, you know, if you could be a stunning Steve Austin fan, anyone would say that?
	This is awesome.
	Was that him?
	So I think there's a lot of elements that can go into that.
	Is he in jail or no?
	He is.
	Or we don't have to get into that.
	Yeah.
	I don't want to snitch.
	I don't want him coming after me.
	That's all I'm saying.
	It was an accident.
	He's vibing, you know?
	What else can we talk about?
	What else do we have in the news, Zach?
	A German surgeon was fired because he had a janitor help with an amputation because no one was available.
	That's healthcare, bro.
	German surgeon fired you.
	They getting anybody.
	I saw something recently.
	Maybe you can try this.
	There's a dude got fired at a hotel.
	A manager snuck into somebody's room and sucked their foot.
	Mm-hmm.
	That was in Nashville.
	Bring that up.
	Was that really?
	Yeah, Bubby.
	Did you talk about it already?
	I know.
	No, never talked about it.
	This was in Nashville?
	Yeah.
	Does that resonate living there for a couple years now?
	Oh, wow.
	I guess Toe's a sort of nightmare.
	Let's go to the...
	Yeah, David Patrick Neal, three first names, 52, was arrested Friday after a hotel guest, Peter Brennan, awoke around 5 a.m.
	on March 30 to find the night manager indulging his apparent foot fetish.
	Wow, what does it say he did?
	Brennan reportedly screamed when he found Neil sucking on his toes and immediately recognized him as one of the two hotel staff members who had been in his room the previous day to help him with his TV.
	First of all, if you call a man from the front desk to come help you with your TV.
	Yeah, you're kind of asking for it.
	You are giving low-key, you're giving low-key gay, you're giving a lot of low-key gay.
	You're giving a lot of like, oh, maybe you could come in and suck my toes because think about it.
	He was in his room.
	Oh, my TV doesn't work.
	He probably has his shoes off.
	The night manager is like, Yeah, okay.
	What do you want to watch?
	Yeah.
	TNT?
	No, let me see them TN feet.
	Yeah.
	And he kind of saw him like dabbling right there, wiggling.
	He's pointing, oh, the remote's over there.
	Yeah.
	That's all it takes, man.
	What else does it say?
	Anything else, Zach?
	Let's see some more information, huh?
	Did you go to jail for that or you just horny camp?
	All my life, you just have that sense of security and that sense of peace, right?
	It's not like you're camping and you have to kind of keep one eye open.
	You have a security that's yours.
	When you close your eyes, you feel like you're safe and you're protected.
	And it was a complete violation.
	Who are you?
	Why are you in my room?
	It was almost like a dream.
	Upon further investigation, Brennan, his attorney, found that Neil had a lengthy rap sheet that included voluntary manslaughter conviction for shooting his roommate during a fight in 96. Well, the toe sucker shot someone?
	Yeah.
	So he's grown since then.
	He has.
	What would you do if you were asleep in a hotel in Nashville somewhere sucking on your toes?
	I mean, look, I'll say this.
	it's hard to get a foot off.
	Okay, so maybe the dude is just really...
	He needed that.
	You know, as somebody who wasn't breastfed as a child, and he just needed some stuff.
	I think you got to let him go for a little bit.
	Yeah, I would.
	Because what's going to happen next?
	Like, where do you go from that?
	Yeah, was your toenail going to grow a little bit?
	Yeah, I would give him a few.
	I would do like two or three like, oh no, what are you doing?
	Because then I could also see if I'm into it.
	Because you're already going to assume.
	You're already going to make bank.
	You might as well dabble and see if you're into the, you know, the foot fantasies.
	Trying to think if anything like that's ever happened around you.
	I walked into a room one night and there was a big guy sitting on the bed already picking his feet when I walked into my room.
	They gave me the wrong room.
	Did you say anything or just, oh, I'm sorry.
	I did that.
	Backed out.
	Yeah.
	Respected what he was doing.
	Understood it about 4.15 in the afternoon.
	I get it.
	Picking his toes.
	Yeah.
	But then again, if you were the night manager, you would take that as a sign of flirtation.
	Oh, you're picking your toes when I'm here to fix your TV.
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	Well, now that's another thing.
	See, there's things that people take.
	Everybody's idea of what is flirtation is different, right?
	So I think if you're in your room, you're chilling, a dude, you're like, hey, something's wrong with the TV.
	He comes up and he's being even, say if that guy, the night manager guy or the night manager guy is thinking immediately.
	Of course, if you're a gay guy who likes sucking on people's feet and a guy calls you to his room, the first thing you're hoping in your head.
	Oh, yeah.
	Well, also, that's what I'm saying.
	Is that this dude wants me to launch all over his back, right?
	So too foreign watching porn, hotel manager fixes TV and something else.
	Right.
	It's not too far down the pipeline.
	Not crazy at all.
	He might have taken some melatonin the night before, still been a little off in the head.
	So I think, yeah, if some of, yeah, so some people, they read signs wrong.
	Correct.
	Especially if you want the signs to be a certain thing.
	That's what's really interesting.
	Right.
	And dude, that's what likes, that's what like fucked me up with like rejection and dating.
	And like, that's why I'm like, so like, I don't hit on women.
	I just kind of see if they like come to me because I'm scared.
	Cause I remember I went to a movie and I saw Jackass 2.5 in high school with this girl I thought I was vibing with.
	We saw it in the middle of the day, matinee, you know, balling on a budget.
	And we like held hands during the movie.
	Afterwards, I kissed her in front of her car, Pontiac.
	And I was, I was geeked.
	And she was driving?
	She could drive?
	She had one of those, yeah.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	So, but when I got home, I remember I was so excited.
	I was unloading the dishwasher because I was a chore my mom would make me do.
	And then I got a text.
	I was like, hey, I always don't want to confuse you, but I always just saw you as more of a friend.
	And I think about that to this day.
	Damn.
	So now, like, that's where my rejection fears come from.
	It's like, you make that move and she's like, oh, no, like, I, no, I totally saw you just as, like, a friend.
	And you're like, oh, my bad.
	Like, I don't, I think just the embarrassment fucks you up.
	Oh, yeah.
	I remember, I mean, when I was really young, my mother rejected me so much that that kind of stuff really hangs over onto a lot of relationships.
	Right.
	But I'm trying to think of with actual girls.
	Yeah.
	Some kids locked me in this one girl into a closet and they kept saying like, you f ⁇ s need to kiss or whatever, right?
	You and a girl?
	Huh?
	Yeah.
	That's like the straightest thing you could do.
	Oh, it was insane, dude.
	So we didn't know what to do.
	So that was scary.
	What do you mean you didn't know what to do?
	Yeah, they're like, you queers better make out or we're going to beat the fuck out of you, you know?
	And so I didn't.
	Were you paying these people to say that to you?
	And we both lived in like the same neighborhood.
	So we had the same haircut, dude.
	So it was like, that was the part that was just fucking crazy because I didn't know if like we were both like.
	You didn't like to scramble for a beanie or something to cover up her hair?
	I just didn't know if we were like trans by hair or whatever.
	Like I didn't know what was going on, you know?
	It was like just.
	What if you made out and just turned into one person?
	So that was a lot, dude.
	I remember that.
	And just the fear of having to make out while people are banging on the door and threatening to fuck you up if you don't kiss.
	That's crazy.
	What'd you guys end up doing?
	Kissing, I think.
	I don't even remember.
	I don't know.
	I just remember being so fucking, just scared, you know?
	And then, but yeah, as I got older, yeah, I think just, you know, I never got to be like my buddy would always be the one who was inviting the girl to the dance.
	And he always had the girlfriend.
	I always had to go with like the friend of the family.
	Yeah, I was always like the wingman by accident.
	Yeah.
	It'd be like my friend, I start talking to a hot girl.
	And then it's like the two plus ones at a wedding that hit it off.
	It's like the guy and the girl both know the people getting married.
	And then there's just two random people that are like, I'm Ted.
	I used to bang his dad.
	I don't know.
	There's no correlation.
	Yeah.
	I'll never forget.
	I asked the girl.
	I just posted on my Instagram the day.
	I asked the girl when I first moved to LA, like one of my first weekends out, my friend's talking to the hot chick.
	I'm just talking to the girl.
	And I was like, oh, what do you do for work?
	And she goes, no.
	And I was like, all right.
	No is crazy.
	Not even N-O-P-E.
	Nope.
	Yeah.
	No.
	Cool.
	Two letters ruined me.
	That was 2017.
	I still think about it.
	No is no, but no is crazy, bro.
	An unexpected no will ruin you.
	It'll rock your world.
	It'll fucking, well, I think a lot of women, I don't know if they realize like how much as a man it is.
	It's hard for us to fucking get up there and put the balls out there.
	That's why like I commend anybody that does it, whether you take an L or not.
	Dude, the other day, I'm in New York City, right?
	And thanks to everybody that came out of New York, we did like a show in the round.
	Oh, in New York?
	We were out in Westbury, New York.
	Oh, wow.
	And Glenny Balls came out.
	Oh, nice.
	No nonsense Keith Peterson came out.
	So anyway, it was awesome.
	How big was that?
	It was like maybe 2,200 or 2,400, maybe.
	Beautiful.
	So it was cool, man.
	It was really, and it was just, it was great.
	I would go back there in a heartbeat.
	But I do, yeah, I was always the friend of a friend on the dating thing.
	And I think a lot of it was just no lack of confidence.
	Because when I look, it almost makes me like, I wait for chicks to ask me out sometimes, but I know that then you end up getting, you don't end up getting sometimes options of who you want.
	You end up getting options of who wants you, which isn't bad.
	Right.
	Because sometimes it may be a better path for who wants you might be, get you exactly where you want to be.
	But are you always then, is there some feeling of like, oh, I'm not asking who I want?
	Okay.
	Does it make sense or not?
	No, it does.
	It does.
	I kind of like if I kind of like that a little bit because then they are at least under the maybe assumption of like, oh, this is Theo's life.
	I know Theo.
	I love Theo.
	Oh, he does a podcast and he tours a crazy amount.
	Like they know baseline level Theo.
	But when you go on like, Rya, I'm not on there.
	I can't get on either.
	Really?
	That makes me feel better about myself.
	God, I've been on there for like 12 fucking months.
	Waiting and just like, dude, I made a fake Instagram called Ryao2A's and I just DM girls.
	I'm like, yo, DM Treford.
	Dude, I don't know what the fuck's happening.
	There's people who are like valet attendants for like the Beverly Wilshire who are on there.
	It's insane.
	Biden's on there, I think.
	Life Alert and fucking Raya, his two go-to apps.
	Yeah, but I'm not on there.
	And it's kind of good, I think.
	I think being off the apps is probably helpful.
	Yeah, I'm not on any of them.
	Yeah.
	Well, I just see like how people's body movements are without an app.
	It's like animalistic.
	They're just like, right, right, right, right, right.
	And they're just like looking so much for like that stimulation.
	It's like, I'd rather something either happen in real life or somebody kind of come to me because then they're like, hey, like, I see what you do.
	I see what you're about.
	And I like that.
	Versus if you're on an app, you're starting baseline.
	She's like, what do you do?
	And you're like, oh, I'm like to you, you're Theo Vaughn.
	You're so clearly who you are.
	You know exactly who the fuck you are.
	And then you tell somebody who's disconnected in this world and you're like, oh, I'm a comedian.
	They're like, oh, like, like, what do you do?
	And you're like, oh, my God.
	Like, I like, like, just imagine explaining your tour schedule to somebody who just found out you did stand-up.
	They'd be like, wait, wait, like, there's so much to unpack.
	So if somebody already knows, like, oh, you're always doing your podcast, you're always on the road, you're always filming, like, they kind of understand, they know what they're signing up for, maybe in a sense.
	And I don't want to sound pretentious or anything, but it does feel like somebody might have done their research a little bit.
	Yeah.
	You know?
	Versus if you're just on a date and it's just generic, like.
	Yeah.
	Well, if I mean, you might almost have to get on a blind date to have somebody, because these days you can look somebody up and see some stuff about them, even though sometimes it's better not to do it.
	Oh, yeah.
	I had a girl tell me before a date, she went on the internet, typed in Trevor Wall's dick size.
	Nothing popped up.
	But I'll tell her.
	It's 12, 12. 12, 12?
	Yeah.
	12 by 12. It is, really?
	It's a CM, baby.
	CM.
	It's a centimeter.
	12 by 12. It's a gross.
	It's 144.
	It depends on how crypto is doing.
	Let's be honest.
	But she just, she told me that while we were on the date, she's like, yeah, I like to look up the guys you want dates with.
	And I looked up like your dick size.
	Just see if anybody talked about it.
	Wow.
	Nobody had.
	Yeah, I think.
	Because they were left speechless.
	Gang, bro.
	Having that wiener when you're young and having that fucking peace on you is really, it's crazy.
	And especially if you're so lonesome as a kid, it becomes your only fucking way to make yourself feel good.
	That's what I remember.
	A little stress ball.
	I remember just feeling so horrible about myself that the only way I could make myself, because it's an explosion of feeling good.
	It really is a stress ball.
	A penis is a stress ball.
	Stressed out, touch it a few times.
	Wow, I'm not going to be able to do it.
	You had an unlimited.
	You know, dude, I remember getting scared I was going to run out how much I had in me too.
	You know?
	Ugh.
	And you know what's crazy?
	You never really do.
	And then you hit 78 one day and all of a sudden, well, unless you're De Niro.
	Yeah.
	What do you take for that?
	Oh, I think you just fucking.
	Herbal life?
	I think you just take a nap and then fuck.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Is there an age you think you'll be done being horny?
	Oh, yeah.
	65 probably.
	Anybody, I think.
	Once you can retire.
	To me, if people are real older and they're fucking, to me, it seems like a lot.
	Somebody asked me recently if my dad still fucks.
	And I was like, I don't want to know.
	Yeah.
	But some days he comes in a little too calm.
	And I go, were you playing the back nine or are you playing the back?
	What are you doing, pops?
	I wouldn't ask him all that, dude, if he's doing that.
	I would never ask.
	I would never ask.
	Yeah.
	I think one time I went, my stepdad, I lived with his family in high school and I went with them and the dad and I did a Mardi Gras parade.
	And he told me that he got a little recently and it fucking blew my mind.
	Kind of crazy.
	Never suspected him, though, but it was just crazy to hear it.
	What else we got, Zach?
	Any news?
	This woman says she's allergic to running.
	A lot of people are giving her shit for this.
	She had a reaction trying to catch a flight.
	Oh, she got a UTI.
	That's all that is.
	This is the New York Times.
	God damn.
	The swelling has swelled.
	I just had a reaction.
	you go back to that dude I Wow.
	That was like watching porn back in the day where the photo would load, you know, percentage-wise.
	Because that came in out of nowhere.
	At first, I wanted to be like, all right, you're being annoying for no reason.
	Then I was like, you can be allergic to anything, just not me.
	God.
	Oh, there's footage of her running.
	It is funny how people like, sorry to cut you off, document everything on TikTok now.
	In court, they're watching TikToks, but well, here's me documenting my rash.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, it's like, bitch, that's a TikTok.
	Okay, that doesn't necessarily, if you put it to music or whatever, what does she say in this thing, Zach?
	Can we see any of this?
	She was running on a delayed flight and then made a TikTok about how you can be allergic to running.
	And this is proof of that.
	It's because she had a reaction to it.
	That's not like something I would have said in like eighth grade PE when they're like, all right, run the mob, but I'm allergic.
	Once we got on the plane, she started breaking out into hives.
	And this is what happened last time when her throat started closing.
	She popped a few bandadryls, hoping it would go away, but it didn't.
	Gang, gang, hives.
	Did she just say gang gang?
	She ended up having to quietly use her EpiPen.
	We didn't let anybody else know because knowing America, they were charging hours for no reason.
	I think this confirmed our doubts that she's allergic to running.
	Thankfully, she was fine and it was just a little drowsy after.
	What a full circle moment.
	That is crazy.
	Do you think that we're getting so soft people are allergic to running?
	I think that is the environment that we're headed into as a species.
	Yeah.
	Well, I do think that's something that you could challenge a PE teacher with.
	Or you got to run the mile.
	I'm allergic to the mile.
	What do you mean?
	You're going to question what I'm allergic to?
	Yeah.
	Just like you're allergic to your wife.
	Where's the last time you saw her?
	Start flaming the PE teacher.
	Bro, that's the problem with everything.
	Nobody, here's one of the issues.
	With everything, nobody wants to follow what the kind of basic guidelines are for everything.
	Like when I was a child, there was a template for everything.
	There was how you did it.
	You stood for the Pledge of Allegiance.
	You didn't even know anything.
	Maybe you knew a fireman.
	Maybe your mom had fucking, you know, was trying to date a cop or something.
	That's the most you knew about the military.
	But you stood for the Pledge of Allegiance, right?
	You like you respected anything.
	You didn't question anything.
	And now we've gotten in a place where you question everything, but is it doing us any good, really?
	Because all it is is just watching people fight.
	And now nobody wants to do any jobs anymore because they're not respected.
	Well, also, I think it's the power of the phone, too.
	Because like a PE teacher can be like, that's not real.
	You have to run the fucking mile.
	But then you pull a phone out and they're like, well, now I could get fired for this.
	And they're like, oh, all right.
	It's like those videos where people are like acting crazy, like the Karen type shit.
	Whenever they see the phone, they either double down and go even crazier.
	I love when they go crazy.
	They're like, oh, hello, Facebook Live.
	I'm like, bitch, I'm on TikTok.
	Young ass is on Facebook.
	But they're always like, oh, hello, everyone.
	Who's watching?
	But you either double down or you back up and you're like, oh, I'm so.
	Dude, I saw a guy get kicked off a flight.
	This is a great story.
	This guy got kicked off a flight.
	I was coming back from Hawaii.
	And this dude, he was an older guy.
	And this was first class.
	I say this, you know, once a year after all the touring, I go to Hawaii.
	It's like my fucking chill out place.
	And on the flight back, this guy, first thing goes, do you guys have any vegan options for breakfast?
	Like 7 a.m.
	She goes, oh no, this is all we have.
	And it was some scrambled egg.
	And he gets mad and he tosses the menu in the air.
	And I go, we're about to pop off.
	You can feel that fucking, the little bit of Hulk Hogan.
	And this dude's like 70, right?
	Next, they're playing just kind of like ukulele, just kind of casual.
	And the TV screens, it's like, it's a preset.
	It just plays.
	It's like, it's a small world.
	It's just playing.
	And he goes, hey, can you turn this music off?
	Right.
	And I go, we're really bubbling.
	We're getting to something good.
	And then they go, we can't turn off the music.
	This is the most electric thing I've ever seen.
	He pulls out his iPad and he puts on Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin on full blast.
	And he leans over to his wife and goes, they'll never make music like they used to.
	And then eventually he's playing it out loud, seven minute song.
	And it's to the point where I'm like, this is a good fucking song, you know?
	And then essentially, like, they give him a couple warnings.
	And then this like Samoan chick in cop outfit comes in, grabs him by the shoulder, and his attitude shifts like crazy.
	And he's like, oh, I'm so sorry.
	I didn't mean to.
	And then he turns the music off and they kick him off.
	He leaves his wife there.
	But on the way out, on the way out, most badass thing he ever says, he goes, go on without me.
	You'll be fine.
	You always are.
	I was like, this is the most, it was like, what the fuck is happening?
	This is like the end of a fucking Gilf porn scene.
	But the guy got escorted and the wife didn't say shit the whole time.
	She's like, somebody give this man some fentanyl.
	Stop acting out, Robert.
	It was.
	Randy's going to Randy.
	Yeah.
	It was one of the most electric things.
	Damn, bro.
	That's hype when somebody gets thrown off.
	his change was so quick.
	And it was one of those moments where everyone else on the plane started looking at him like, oh, we're about to be in a I was exciting.
	You ever been in a moment like that where something's about to start popping off?
	Oh, dude, when I was last time I was in Hawaii, they had somebody died at breakfast, right?
	So let me think about what happened.
	So we're at breakfast, right?
	Because that's where somebody died at.
	Good meal to die at.
	Oh, I agree.
	Everybody's eating, right?
	Magic Johnson is there.
	Really?
	It was a nice hotel, right?
	Yeah.
	So same, right?
	Once a year, I take myself to a nice hotel in Hawaii, right?
	Which is a blessing, man.
	It's like I work super hard.
	That's what I do.
	So Magic Johnson is there, dude.
	And he's chilling.
	And some dude starts dying, you know?
	And some people know how to help people that are dying.
	So I kind of jump up and I'm like, oh, fuck, I don't know anything.
	I'm a comedian.
	Yeah.
	So I sit back down.
	I start plugging Bluetooth ads.
	So other people go over there and they put up like this partition around the dude's table, which you can hear him over there just pumping on the dude, right?
	They take the buffet stands and put it in front.
	Closed.
	That's kind of how they did.
	But then so many people got over there, they even had to move those.
	So you can kind of see the guy and they finally get him back up, right?
	But then he goes down again.
	And so they're over there.
	And then it's like he, it's a rap.
	So everybody's like, how long do you wait?
	How long do you wait till after somebody's like dead to eat again?
	Right.
	So everybody's kind of like.
	Can you get seconds?
	Right.
	There's nobody's like making a move.
	Does the waiter take his plate?
	Like, are you done here?
	Do you need a box or do you need to be in a box?
	What are we doing here?
	Wow.
	So it's like, what do you, so.
	What did Magic Johnson do?
	It was crazy.
	And I'm like, dude, this guy should have done something.
	Right.
	First name.
	Yeah.
	Or like that, you know, make a wish.
	The final thing is like, dude, Magic Johnson's here to send you off.
	Yeah.
	That'd be kind of cool.
	That'd be so cool.
	The last thing you see is like a couple pineapples of Magic Johnson.
	I'm going to assist you to heaven, brother.
	And then you don't die and you're just hanging out.
	And he's like, I'm going to go to my room now.
	Yeah.
	Kareem's an asshole.
	That's what I've always heard.
	It's crazy.
	Last time I was in Hawaii, the week I got there, somebody got their arm chopped off in a 7-Eleven with a machete.
	Oh, wow.
	Yeah.
	That's crazy.
	That seems like more Albuquerque type vibes.
	It really is.
	It's kind of like also like we get it.
	It's a personality thing.
	Now you have to walk around.
	What happened to your arm?
	Oh, it was a machete.
	Yeah.
	I get it.
	But it was crazy.
	Yeah, I met a cool lady from, I think, Oklahoma, maybe, and her daughter, she had lost an arm.
	She was a mail truck driver.
	And I met her and her daughter, beautiful ladies.
	And she had something had happened.
	The mail truck had fallen over.
	And she rolled over.
	It rolled over on her arm.
	And she didn't.
	that's crazy, yeah, she mailed her arm to heaven, I guess, or whatever, you know, or whatever, however, they say it.
	But she was missing an arm.
	I don't know what else we got, man.
	Anything else we wanted to talk about?
	I'm trying to think.
	How's work been, man?
	So you tour, you do you notice that there's other comics because you kind of got your start.
	Do you feel like in social media?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I started with stand-up, but social media is what kind of like put me in front of people.
	And then I used the people who are watching me from digital to be like, hey, I also do stand-up, come to the show.
	Yeah.
	And then just kind of like, you know, the first headlining show I did was in San Diego in like 2017 and like 112 people showed up.
	And I was like, oh, okay, cool.
	And then I quit my job and I slowly did one nighters and then I just kind of started building with videos.
	And just, and then by throwing myself in the deep end to headline, I didn't have 45 minutes.
	On my set list, I wrote crowd work.
	This was early on.
	You know how bad you got to be at that time to be like, all right, for the next five minutes, oh, cool.
	What's your brother's name?
	Like, I wasn't ready.
	So I just kind of threw myself in the deep end just because I was like, you know, if I'm going to take this leap, I got to do it now.
	Because then I can quit my job, pay my rent by doing stand-up and a little bit of videos, and I can just double down on myself.
	And that was six, fucking, I don't even know, almost six years ago.
	Yeah.
	But yeah, it's good.
	I'm filming the special.
	Yeah, where will that be at, do you know?
	The Paramount in Austin.
	Oh, yeah.
	July 14th and 15th.
	Saturday shows are sold out.
	We added a Friday and I think that's almost sold out.
	But TrevorWallsComedy.com.
	But you're doing like nine shows there, right?
	Yeah, we're going to be there.
	I think in like a week or something.
	Holy shit.
	Have you done that theater before?
	Next week.
	Yep.
	It's great.
	I've done it a few years ago.
	I haven't done it in a while.
	Yeah.
	Damn.
	How many shows are you doing?
	I'm so excited.
	I think we're doing nine?
	Ten.
	Ten?
	Nine shows.
	We just added another show.
	What the fuck?
	Is that two per night or is that just like 10 days?
	No, it's 10 days.
	I'm going to stay in Austin.
	Oh, roguing it up?
	Yeah.
	I'm going to spend some time over there and try to just see what I like about the city.
	Nice.
	It is.
	I was there on Sunday.
	It's a nice city.
	You were?
	I do like it.
	Yeah.
	So after Indianapolis, oh, y'all love this.
	We filmed at Gary VeeCon with Gary Vee did a video there.
	And then on Sunday, there was in Kyle, Texas, which is 30 minutes from Austin.
	They tried to break the record for most people named Kyle in one location ever.
	And I made that video a couple of years ago about like guys named Kyle.
	It was like this fucking just a kid who just loved punching drywall, drinking monsters, just like, just was a kid who definitely was neglected by his parents and huffed axe body spray.
	And then, so they were doing a Kyle meetup.
	And I was like, dude, how funny it would be if I went to this meetup dressed up as my Kyle character.
	She did it.
	I did.
	That was on Sunday.
	Yeah.
	So that's the video we're working on.
	Is that crazy?
	It was fucking nuts.
	But it's like, it was at the Kyle Fair.
	So there was like families and shit there, but there was also 1,700 people named Kyle registered.
	And you needed 2,300 to break the record.
	So they missed it?
	They missed the record.
	But dude, I'll tell you what.
	I've never seen that.
	Dude, that many Kyles, we could have fucking January 6th all over again, dog.
	We could have taken over a fucking vape shop easy.
	Dude, it was...
	Yeah, was there booths where they're like Kyle?
	Dude, there was a drywall booth where you could duck duck Kyle or whatever?
	Dude, I don't even know what the fuck.
	We were in and out of there pretty quick.
	But there was a drywall booth where you pay $5 a punch some drywall.
	It was like half families and just have dudes named Kyle with nothing better to do.
	Is it crazy to see that many people name one with one name in the same place?
	It is because they all look like they were Kyle's.
	They all look like...
	Yeah.
	Kyle.
	Yeah, just type in Kyle.
	Most common Kyle looking?
	Yeah, they all kind of look like they would, you know, they had Puka Shell necklaces at one point.
	Oh, yeah.
	And they got sunburn easy type of fellow.
	You know, it's not like blonde hair, but it's not brown.
	It's kind of that like.
	Yeah, just type in Kyle.
	Oh, yeah, there you go.
	So there's me right there.
	So if you go to Kyle, Know Your Meme, it's just my view.
	Oh, God.
	Yeah.
	So I made this video like maybe three or four years ago about a guy's named Kyle.
	And then, so I just was like, this would be such a funny video if we just went to the fair.
	And so we got a video and like, it was very, it was fun, dude.
	Anytime people see a camera and a microphone, they already get pretty like fired up.
	But then when Kyle see a camera, they're like, this is my chance.
	So dude, they were going wild.
	They let me on stage and I got to yell a bunch of shit.
	That's sick, dude.
	Yeah.
	I was like, it smells like Slim Jims and broken homes.
	And then they were like, all right, Trevor Wallace.
	It was fun, man.
	So that video will be coming out later this week.
	Were you ever approached by like barstool or anything to work with them?
	I've done podcasts there, but not like anything.
	To work for them?
	No.
	No, no, no.
	No, I never was.
	I don't know.
	Have any LA people like work there?
	I think it's a lot of East Coast people.
	I don't know why they don't have an LA office also.
	Yeah.
	Maybe LA's just fucking too pussy for them, dude.
	Damn.
	Damn.
	But they're good people over there.
	I know I said whatever, how their podcast clip stuff.
	You know, I think they're very aware of that, but they're good people.
	Everybody I met over there is really nice, dude.
	Caleb's awesome.
	All the KFC guys.
	Oh, yeah, dude.
	They crushed it over there.
	I mean, they kind of like, you know, they've created some neat shows.
	They got all types of characters that start to come out of there.
	I think that's real fascinating.
	Yeah.
	You know, I'd love to have sometimes more like characters to be involved in our world and podcasting and stuff.
	Sometimes it's hard to like facilitate all that, though.
	I mean, it's literally like a reality show.
	It's like they just launch careers based on the employees they work with, but it's really smart because people attach to the personalities instead of the brand.
	It's like, oh, we love Glenny Balls, but in loving Glenny Balls, you're loving Barstool.
	It's so much easier to get attracted to a personality than it is a brand.
	So it's really smart to do that.
	What else could we think about?
	Yeah, I don't know if I can even think about anything else.
	Did I ever tell you a story when I first met you?
	You were eating, it was an Oxnard improv.
	Maybe I said this on the last pocket.
	We'll just say it anyways.
	But the first time I met you, I hosted for your show in Oxnard.
	Oh, thanks, dude.
	And this is like 2015, 2016, and you ordered a salad.
	It was a tuna sashimi salad with lettuce, and you're like, I don't want any lettuce.
	And the lady's like, so you want the salad?
	And you're like, I don't want the lettuce.
	And then you were eating just raw tuna with your shirt off.
	And you looked at me and you go, it's crazy.
	Anybody can make a baby.
	And I was, I was like, such a fan.
	And I was just like, didn't want to overset my boundaries.
	And I was like, yeah, man, that is crazy.
	I didn't, I didn't want to like.
	It is crazy, man, when you think that anybody could fucking just accumulate into somebody else and fucking get a kid out of them.
	But that's all that was going through your mind.
	It was just such a funny just sitting there eating.
	Makes me fucking hard, boy.
	It does.
	Thinking about that.
	Thank you, man.
	Thanks for even checking in while I was eating.
	Dude, I mean, I was just sitting there.
	That was fun.
	We've done a lot of fun shows together.
	We did fucking Red Banks together.
	Yeah, dude, that was crazy, bro.
	I was losing my mind that weekend, remember?
	Really?
	Oh, well, I think your flight got in like 30 minutes before the show.
	But I was like losing my fucking mind.
	That was crazy.
	It was cold.
	It was during COVID.
	It was bizarre.
	It was bizarre times.
	Yeah, it was Red Banks.
	People were wasted.
	Oh, yeah, because it was outside.
	It was like the first event, let alone like a big name.
	Like you was there.
	They're like, fucking you.
	I saw one guy just throw a chair at another chair.
	I was like, what are you trying to fucking make less chairs?
	It was fucking awesome, dude.
	That was a fun weekend.
	I got to open your Will Turn show.
	That was awesome.
	Oh, yeah, dude.
	That was great, man.
	That was like the biggest feature.
	That was awesome.
	People were stoked.
	Really?
	At the time, yeah.
	I ended up doing one over the summer that was outside.
	It was like some stupid, like 5,000 thing that was unreal.
	I wasn't headlines.
	Wait, did you do Canada?
	Yeah, the Outside Lands.
	It was me, Michael.
	I'm going there.
	Oh, and Tom Segura.
	So we essentially opened for Tom Segura, but it was supposed to be Pete Davidson.
	It canceled.
	And then Tom filled in.
	And they're like, all right, you guys are still on the show.
	So you're doing it outside?
	Let me know how you think it is.
	God damn.
	I texted Bobby did it too.
	I talked to Bobby about it.
	Bobby said he liked it.
	It's fun.
	It's just different.
	It takes a second to get used to it, but like that big pop is still there.
	But it's not like as magnetic, you know, like electric.
	Damn.
	The laughs.
	It's like, you know, when you watch people vape and it just dissipates in the air?
	Yeah.
	In a comedy club, it gets a little smoky in there.
	Yeah.
	And laughs.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	People are just like, ha.
	It's not like you bomb, but it's just like people are like, ha.
	It's just weird watching somebody eat funnel cake while you follow your dreams.
	Oh, yeah.
	But the laughs just drift up.
	But dude, I will say Edmonton is very like ye-ye, like country shit.
	Yo, crush, dude.
	People might even get closer to the stage.
	If you were like, fucking come here and get a lick of daddy, people would swarm up front.
	Fuck yeah, boy.
	Like, fuck your table.
	Come sit up front, bitch.
	I think people would do it.
	I think people would do it.
	And is it big?
	Like, can you see everybody?
	No.
	Dude, it like, I honestly, like, it blew my mind that that was there many.
	That was there.
	I can't talk.
	That many people were just there.
	Like, it blew my mind.
	Like, 5,000 people just watching you.
	And you're like, just talking.
	It's crazy.
	Damn.
	I'm excited about it.
	I think I, yeah, it's the only outside show that I have, I think, right now.
	Also, I wasn't headlining.
	Tom was.
	So Tom, by the time he got on, was a little darker.
	So we were up there broad daylight.
	But oh, yeah, broad daylight.
	Dude, crazy.
	I mean, there's people, there's a lady like burping a baby in the front row.
	Yeah, I like that.
	You got better breastfeed.
	Yeah, like that.
	Like a simple title.
	God, I fucking love that.
	If something's on a tit near me, I'm fucking happy, really.
	Oh, yeah.
	RSCP1.
	I'm next.
	Oh, I'll be able to do that.
	I thought I jumped the line.
	Oh, I want to see.
	I just want to smell gasoline and fucking watch something fucking breastfeeding before we.
	You ever had breast milk?
	I haven't had a lot.
	But you have?
	I've probably had a little, I would say.
	You know, how can you even not get some?
	With everything these days, there's probably milk in it.
	Everything's cut with that.
	Something, dude.
	Yeah, you can't even get a pure line of cocaine without being like a little bit of fucking lactate.
	A little bit of breast milk in it.
	Dude, thanks for hanging out today, man.
	Dude, thanks for having me.
	Yeah, you can check out Safe Socks podcast.
	Yeah, yeah, we love to have it.
	I got to pop back over there sometime and check in with you guys.
	Please do, man.
	It's always fun, man.
	People love seeing our chemistry together.
	Yeah, same, man.
	It's been a blast over the years, man.
	You're so exciting to watch.
	And I'm glad that you and I are buds and that we have like, you know, the ability I can connect to.
	If I have a question, you know, can I ask you, you're always there for me.
	So I appreciate you.
	Yeah, dude.
	By any means.
	You called me recently.
	You're like, do people still use the word Riz?
	And I was like, yeah, you could.
	And then I looked at the comments on that video.
	People were like, they were like quoting it, like laughing.
	Oh, good.
	I'm glad to be your like millennial little fuck to the internet.
	Yeah, I got to have that plug-in.
	Exactly.
	Exactly.
	Thank you, bro.
	You're great, man.
	Thanks for having me.
	And I mean that about your audience when I said earlier, the best people.
	Yeah, man.
	I don't know how we did it.
	I don't know how we got a part of it.
	Just, yeah, there's a lot of special people.
	I think, you know, what you put out there attracts, you know?
	Real attracts real.
	And that's the fucking worst thing I've ever said in my life, but it makes sense.
	So we're trying to stay.
	Yeah, it's just, it's been interesting, man.
	But it is crazy, bro.
	I can't even believe it.
	This many people come out to shows.
	I think you're only getting bigger.
	I think your name is just like...
	You know, like people who are just so hot that when they don't look you in the eyes, it makes sense.
	Oh, yeah.
	And then the one time they make eye contact, you're like, do you know Theo Bond?
	You're like, yeah, this motherfucker is on.
	This dude is on.
	So congrats on that.
	You're going to keep, dude, 10 shows at the Paramount.
	That's crazy.
	Yeah.
	It's like 13,000 people.
	It's going to be crazy.
	Well, thanks, Trevor.
	I appreciate it, man.
	And thanks for spending time, dude.
	Trevor Wallace will share all of his socials and everything.
	Amen, brother.
	Best of luck.
	I'll see you out there.
	I'll see you on the date naps.
	Hell yeah.
	Trying to date each other?

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