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Aug. 23, 2022 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

01:52:19

E405 Bobby Lee

Bobby Lee is a comedian and actor who hosts the podcasts TigerBelly and Bad Friends. Bobby Lee returns to This Past Weekend for his fifth appearance. He and Theo talk about the single life, the movie they're shooting together, what they'd say to Kim Jong-Un and a lot more. ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com Podcastville mugs and prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com ------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://www.amazon.com/stores/CELSIUS/ShopNow/page/95D581F4-E14E-4B01-91E7-6E2CA58A3C29 Manscaped: Go to https://www.manscaped.com to get 20% off with code THEO. Express VPN: Go to https://www.expressvpn.com/theo today to get an extra 3 months free. ShipStation: Go to https://www.shipstation.com/ to get 60 days free with code THEO. Babbel: Go to https://www.babbel.com/theo to save up to 60% off your subscription. ------------------------------------------------- Music: "Shine" by Bishop Gunn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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	I want to let you know I'm upstairs with the return of the rat tour.
	And I'll be coming to your city October 11th and 12th, Wichita, Kansas.
	We added the 11th at the Orpheum Theater.
	So get those tickets.
	October 13th, Omaha, Nebraska.
	And October 14th, Denver, Colorado.
	The first show is sold out.
	We've added a second.
	We may even add another one.
	Let's see how it goes.
	Go to theovon.com slash T-O-U-R to get tickets and make sure you go through that link so you get accurately priced tickets and don't get hit with that upsell.
	Thank you guys so much for your support.
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	Thank you so much for your support.
	Today's guest is a man that just, I mean, just makes me feel so much dang joy when he's around.
	He just makes me sprout this damn just happy tits, just lunge out of my chest when he's around.
	He just brings that out of you.
	He's a special guy.
	He's originally from another continent, and he's always welcome here.
	This is his fifth time on this past weekend.
	You may know him from Mad TV, from his countless film and television appearances, or from his astounding podcasts, Tiger Belly and Bad Friends.
	I'm grateful to spend time with him and I'm grateful for him as a human.
	Today's guest is Mr. Bobby Lee.
	Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song I'll be singing to you Shine on me
	Well, you know, when I've dated white girls before, every time I date a white girl, it just feels a little extra special.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Like I won in some way.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Do you, um, why do you date a lot of whites or not?
	I haven't had love.
	I haven't made love to a white in years, dog.
	Wow.
	Yeah, yeah.
	The first girl you ever made love to, was she No.
	Yeah, yeah.
	She was fat first.
	Damn.
	Yeah, yeah.
	She was fat first.
	Dude, I got food poisoned one time looking up with a big girl.
	Did you really?
	Yeah.
	No, I think she just had so much food in her and it poisoned me somehow.
	Oh, you ate that.
	You ate the box.
	No, no.
	Did you eat the box, dude?
	No, I didn't.
	Did you shoot the box?
	Bro, there was no...
	You know what I'm saying?
	It was.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Everything had been kind of...
	Yeah.
	But.
	I mean, I've always wanted to make love to a plus-size model.
	Ooh, I could see one there.
	Like, they're beautiful, but there's more.
	Oh, yeah.
	There's more beauty.
	Oh, yeah.
	Well, there's a lot of, like, you see those plus-size models with the lot of them on the beach and stuff now.
	I like it.
	Yeah.
	Think about all the decades when bigger women just had to stay inside and didn't want to go outside.
	What do you mean?
	It just breaks my heart if you just like.
	Now they can, is what you're saying?
	Well, now it's more popular, bigger women being out and about and being in bathing suits, you know?
	Well, back in the day, if you see like paintings at the museums and shit right there, back in the day, that was the sign of like beauty.
	Oh, yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	Diabetes or whatever.
	Ruben-esque.
	Yeah, they liked it back then.
	Yeah, the lady would be laying by a stream with like an apple or something or a little ham.
	What's always grapes, right?
	Yeah.
	All that sugar.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, all that sugar, dude.
	All that sugar, dude.
	Dude, I remember we used to go to the library when I was young and we'd look at those art.
	You know, I'd look at the art of the drawings.
	Wait, wait, you.
	Library, not a museum?
	Oh, no, not a museum.
	I feel like you've never been to a museum.
	You've never been to one.
	You've never paid a ticket to go to a museum.
	Oh, I did go see Body World, that thing where they cut people in half, you know, and they have the bodies in there.
	That's not a fucking museum.
	It's like a thing.
	It seems like it.
	Yeah, yeah.
	It's like a one-man.
	Those people are Chinese, all the people that are in there.
	What?
	Yeah.
	Well, who's Chinese?
	You know those people in the body world exhibits where they cut the bodies?
	You can see inside the bodies and it's all like...
	You bring that up.
	Let me show you these people, man.
	Well, it's like a snuff film?
	No, no, it's like an activity, I guess.
	So this is Body World.
	You go.
	Look at the bottom right.
	You go.
	So that dude, what you're telling me right now is that dude's Chinese.
	Yep.
	He just doesn't have any skin, bro.
	I'm just saying here.
	Just because they don't have no skin doesn't make it look...
	Look at this guy.
	Because it's yellow?
	I'm not saying that, man.
	You are leading to that.
	Yeah.
	But that is, I think, but these people, they buy them out of China, apparently, because these are real bodies.
	They just take some of the skin off.
	Oh, that's a real human being?
	That's not like a clay thing?
	No, that's real.
	Oh, fuck, dude.
	That's body world.
	You can go see it, and some of them are like on horseback.
	There's all kind of stuff they're doing.
	Javelin, look at that one right there with a javelin.
	Look at that guy.
	He's telling me that guy.
	That's Chinese.
	Yeah.
	For sure.
	And that dude is Chinese, bro.
	Look how Chinese he is.
	He's so fucking Chinese right now, dude.
	Damn.
	And they sold him.
	They sold his body to this exact.
	I mean, it's just kind of crazy, you know?
	Yeah, man.
	Like, there were still slaves.
	Not that I'm a proponent of that or I support it.
	But what, like, if you could get a slave, where would you get it from?
	Ooh.
	That's a good question, right?
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah.
	I mean, I've thought about this a lot.
	My first instinct is Mexico.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	I just feel like they work hard.
	They can be out in the sun.
	You know what I mean?
	They can't do the shingles and then the bushes.
	Oh, that's true.
	Right.
	They just do all kinds of stuff.
	They know how to do everything, bro.
	They can't be out in the sun.
	They have to be out there to survive.
	Yeah, yeah.
	But they're also the latest immigrants, really, is Mexicans are the latest leg of immigrants in American history.
	So immigrants are always the ones that are out there doing whatever.
	Right, right.
	You know?
	Yeah, yeah.
	Like you guys had your time.
	Who's the you guys?
	Asians.
	Asian people.
	In general.
	Yeah.
	When was our time?
	You guys were those rail babies, dog.
	Weren't y'all?
	Yeah, but the Irish did it too, bro.
	Oh, yeah.
	Damn.
	Was there beef between the Asians and the Irish?
	I wonder?
	No, they got along, I think.
	You have to be out in the sun like that.
	Yeah.
	Do you think they drink lemonade?
	Oh, dude.
	I always think if they drink lemonade.
	And then after they're done with their shivs, the Chinese give them opium.
	And they party.
	Dude, don't you want to be...
	God, we'd be back there.
	Chang, ching.
	Ching chong.
	Why does it make that sound?
	That's the worst.
	No, because when Asians do it, we make that sound.
	That's how they got the name.
	You know that?
	Is that how they?
	Yeah, that's.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Isn't that crazy?
	Yeah, that's how they do it?
	Yeah.
	With the real ching wong.
	And then after our shift, we'd probably like go to the fucking den and smoke opium together.
	Oh, God.
	And our souls, that's when you're so when you're high on opium and somebody else is, that's when your souls come out and mingle.
	You think so?
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah, man.
	And we would just look at each other, huh?
	Or would you close your eyes, you think?
	I'd close them a little.
	To make it look like mine?
	I didn't say that, but I mean, you know, I just want you to feel at home.
	Yeah, but back to the, back to the, the, when the women were fat back in the day.
	Oh, I used to go to the library.
	I would get the book and I would like, it was whenever I like was first having those times where you would like press your wiener against something and it would feel so good, you know?
	What do you mean?
	Like when you first started getting like a lot of feeling in your wiener, like just like when your wiener just felt like it just had so much tendency in it.
	And I would press, I would get a book and I would, it would be like those drawings of the pictures of the women, like Rodin or whatever the man's name was, the artist.
	You mean Rodin is a...
	He drew those women.
	Oh, I thought it was like the fucking...
	No, Godzilla's buddy.
	Rodan.
	Oh, Rodan, yeah.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, whatever that guy's name is, Lonnie Rodan or something.
	Who is it?
	You bring him up.
	And I would.
	Just put in Rodan and see what comes up.
	Just Rodan.
	That's what comes up with the Rodan?
	Oh, no.
	Don't Lonnie Rodin.
	Just put Rodan in.
	Oh, Lonnie Rodan's a brother, huh?
	This is a white guy.
	Just put Rodan in.
	That's that?
	That's Rodan, dude.
	Oh, that is it.
	That is an innovative.
	Is that the guy?
	No.
	No, do O-R.
	R-O-D-I in, Bub.
	Oh.
	There we go.
	That fool.
	Look at those stick.
	I mean, that's when bitches had whiskers.
	So would you jerk off to the book?
	I would close the book on my wiener until I like reached orgasm.
	I would, like.
	In the library.
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	Can I say something I did, dude?
	I don't know if I got in trouble for this, but so when I was in high school, I used to like do math my freshman year.
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	And what I would do, I get really horny.
	Yeah.
	And I'd go to the library and there was these medical books.
	Oh, yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	Like skeletons and stuff.
	But sometimes they would have a titty or whatever.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Like a medical titty.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And I would sit there, I would ditch class, and I would sit there, and I would move some of the books to the side to see if it, because it was like a dead end.
	My aisle was at the dead end where the medical books were.
	And I would just lean against the wall and I would scoot to see.
	There was no cameras back then, right?
	Yeah.
	And I would jerk off to these medical books.
	Oh.
	Because I couldn't afford porn back then.
	I didn't know where to even get it.
	Like, I didn't have a car.
	When you're freshman, you don't know how to get it.
	Oh, you have to drive.
	That's back when you had to drive to porn.
	People, like, children now don't understand.
	Don't get how hard it was to see even a drawing or a sketch or even somebody who'd make a little pussy in the mud, you know, or like a mold of it.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Dude, back then it was freaking.
	If you saw any hole, it would feel, you would go, you get hard.
	Oh, dude, I remember seeing like they used to have these crawfish holes.
	Pull that up.
	Crawfish houses.
	Crawfish houses.
	There you go.
	Google in on them.
	Zoom in on one of those mud little things.
	Right there, dude.
	So these are things that crawfish live in, right?
	That looks like a dick.
	Well, find a shorter one.
	Scroll down a little.
	No.
	Yeah, right there.
	No, right there on the left.
	Oh, I see now.
	Right there.
	I see it.
	Oh, no.
	Oh, shit.
	That's a dick, dude.
	That one's that time of the month.
	No, go back to right there.
	That's a good one.
	So they have something like this would be everywhere.
	These are all over Louisiana, and this is where crawfish live in by the ditches.
	They get the little houses.
	And somebody wrote in good pussy next to it?
	In the dirt, yeah.
	But dude, it was, I mean, there was nothing more.
	It was like it was such an adventure once you were looking for.
	I used to bicycle probably four to five miles to get to my buddy's house, his family's house.
	Yeah, and his dad would keep porno under the sink.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	And I would go in there and tell him I was doing a number two for like an hour and a half.
	Really?
	It would take you that long to jerk?
	No, but I would have to, I would just be, there was like 11 books.
	It would take so long to get through all the information.
	Yeah.
	My friend Alan Meadows, right?
	His dad was like, collected porn, but he would hide it.
	But the fun was in the hunt, like the beach or bunny.
	Right, right.
	And then like one time we found like a magazine behind the cereals.
	Oh, you know what I mean?
	Like it was like, you know what I mean?
	And I found it.
	I found it.
	Right.
	And then we would take turns going to the bathroom and jerk off.
	It would only take like five minutes because it was like, you know, we're kids.
	You know what I mean?
	Oh, those are such good times.
	Now you click on the fucking computer and you see Donkey Pussy and stuff.
	Oh, man.
	Yeah.
	I never seen that thing.
	God, but because there's other things you can click on.
	That's true.
	That's true.
	There's many options outside of Animalia.
	But the crazy thing was it used to feel like if you had the porno, then it was your thing.
	Now when you're someone with pornography video, with porno video, it seems like there's 7,000 other dudes watching at the same time.
	That's the part that seems kind of gay to me if I'm looking at porno video.
	That's why I look at the views.
	Really?
	Yeah, if it's one view, I'm okay with it.
	You know what I mean?
	But there's like four or five hundred views, I feel a little weird.
	You know what I mean?
	Like sharing.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	See, that would make porn real if they made you see all the people that were watching it at the same time.
	Oh, like a Zoom meeting?
	Yeah.
	You know what I do now is I'll go through porn and I'll go, like, you know, there'll be like 50 boxes, right?
	Oh, yeah.
	But then they have ratings.
	And usually, like, I go to the site called Team Skeet.
	You know what I mean?
	And they have like 95%.
	That's a pretty good number.
	And I'll go through and I'll jerk off to the one that has the lowest number.
	Oh, holy.
	Because I feel bad.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Like, I'll go, why is this girl 60%?
	She looks fine in the little thumbnail.
	And I'll press it and I'll go, yeah, I know why now.
	Why?
	Does she have asthma or something?
	Or like, are there a certain, why would somebody have 60%?
	Why would asthma be a thing?
	I wouldn't.
	I feel like it would be hard for me to ejaculate if somebody's having an asthma terror.
	That's true.
	That's true.
	I can't ejaculate if somebody's having trouble breathing.
	No, I think the numbers are based on, or the rating is based on how the girl performs.
	And usually if they're hot and the rating is low, it means that they're like, there's this one girl that was just literally not there.
	She was just going, she was like doing this.
	Oh, man.
	Oh.
	And just nothing on her face.
	You know what I mean?
	Wow, like on drugs, you think?
	Or just like she had like a...
	Like nearsighted?
	What?
	Or like, what do you mean?
	Like on drugs?
	No, no, no, not on drugs.
	No, it's just, it's probably like either it's like she doesn't want to be there and she's doing it for the money.
	It's really sad.
	Yeah.
	Maybe nearsighted.
	Yeah, I wonder how much we'd be talking about.
	I don't know.
	And you brought it up.
	I don't know.
	I remember.
	I regret Donkey Pussy.
	I regret saying that.
	Oh, yeah, and you should.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, I've never been around anything like that.
	We had a buddy that used to, he would, you know, come and knock on the door if animals were fucking, you know, it's animals not far from us.
	And if there was animal sex going on, he'd come and knock on the door.
	And would you go check it out?
	This guy, Frankie.
	I went the first time, and after that, I knew something was wrong with him.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	He would always try to, he had like a boomerang.
	Somebody got him like a boomerang from another country for like Christmas or something one year.
	Australia, you think?
	I don't know.
	I don't remember.
	I don't remember where.
	Probably Australia, man.
	But he would always try to hit the animals that were, you know, he had like a...
	He was just out there.
	That's weird.
	I didn't like that kind of stuff, man.
	We had people around us that would always kill chickens and do stuff like that.
	Dude, anyone that like tortures an animal or hurts an animal, I just, I cannot.
	I'll hang out with them.
	Yeah.
	But I can't get real intimate.
	Yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	Oh, yeah.
	Like, I'll go bowling.
	Yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	I'll go bowling or like, you know what I mean?
	I would do like, you know, batmitting.
	Yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	Like a casual day on a Sunday, right?
	If they know they torture animals.
	But you ain't, we're not going to have dinner or all that.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah, we're not going to do a three-course meal.
	I'll do a spot with them or I'll tour maybe.
	Would you tour with that guy?
	I mean, you're kind of doing a lot with them.
	Yeah, yeah.
	No, but I wouldn't hang out after the tour.
	You know what I mean?
	He's like, hey, you want to go look for girls?
	And I'll be like, I'm going to do my own thing.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, I'm not going to be in a photo with them.
	Yeah, no photo.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Would you like, if you were like, let's suppose like you offered a movie, co-lead with a guy that you just know was an animal abuser, would you do the movie?
	Like that guy, Armel.
	Who's that guy?
	Armel Hammer?
	Armel Hammer.
	Army Hammer?
	He was people, not animals.
	Abusing people.
	What's worse?
	People or animals?
	I mean, I've met a lot of people.
	I'd say probably animals.
	That's worse to me.
	Because people have choices.
	Like, don't burn me.
	Yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	But a dog can't go, cook, cook.
	Is that what a dog says?
	I don't know.
	If he does, that dog's racist, dude.
	I'll tell you that.
	What if a dog goes, yeah, that's better, right?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	That's an owl.
	Right?
	That's a racist owl.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Oh, cook, cook.
	Oh, that's crazy, dude.
	Dude, if I walked by an owl and he did that, I'd probably get mad, bro.
	You would die laughing.
	Can we say that?
	I can say that.
	But you're not even.
	We didn't even say it.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, you're saying coo, cool, right?
	I'm saying cook.
	Hard cage.
	I'm doing hardcodes.
	You're not doing anything.
	If the owl, though, went, Chinaman, then I'd be like, oh, that's, dude, dude, that?
	That's, because that's not what he does.
	Right.
	You know what I mean?
	He had to force that.
	Chinaman, Chinaman.
	I'd be like, what the fuck?
	Racist owl, bro.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Oh, damn, dude.
	I wonder if animals do get racist, you think?
	Oh, probably, man.
	Yeah.
	I like pit bulls don't like me.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Wonder why?
	I think because they like black people.
	Yeah.
	Is that a bad thing to say?
	No, pit bulls love black people.
	They love black people.
	Yeah.
	They love women and kids.
	But Asians, I don't think they like Asians, man.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	Every Pitbull just growls at me like that.
	Damn.
	And has it always been like that?
	Damn, they're really wild, bro.
	Wild.
	The whole animal kingdom.
	I think if Noah's Ark went by your house, it would just be a bunch of dude.
	Imagine if I was Noah, right?
	I was on my ark and they were all doing that.
	Oh, yeah, they were.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Every time you turn your back, they think you don't know which one it is, but they're animals, so it's easy to tell.
	Even the elephants are going with their little paws and they're doing this.
	Look, he brings his trunk up and just one eye.
	Dude, dude, that'd be so funny.
	You know what?
	If I was, I would probably just leave the boat.
	I would just be, I can't handle it.
	All the fucking animals are being racist.
	You know what I mean?
	That'd be fucking terrible.
	You know what I mean?
	I mean, it would be something, dude.
	It would be something, dude.
	Yeah.
	You know, it's silly to do things the hard way.
	And I've learned that over the years, man.
	Doing things the hard way.
	I tried to do a dang, build a water fountain in my yard, and I didn't have any water or anything like that.
	It's silly to try to open a package with your hand when there's a box cutter two feet away.
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	I've been having this dream.
	I've been having this dream where I keep spending time with Dennis Rodman, which is crazy.
	Oh, that's in North Korea?
	I don't know where he is.
	I can't really tell.
	It looks like Huntington Beach.
	But that's been kind of crazy to me.
	Because we're doing a movie together.
	Can we talk about that or no?
	We did talk about that you and I wanted to do a tour in North Korea or what?
	Oh, I think if we toured North Korea.
	Well, how do we get Shim Shin Lim or that's a magician?
	It is?
	Yeah, yeah.
	Shin Lim?
	What's the guy's name?
	Young Jock?
	No.
	No, no, no.
	Give me the dictator's name in North Korea.
	John.
	No, don't just look at it.
	Don't Google it.
	Okay.
	You know what, this.
	Little John.
	No, no, no.
	No, I know what it is.
	Young John.
	No, no.
	Can I give you the first name?
	Yeah.
	Kim.
	Oh, Kim Jong-john.
	Kim Jong-john.
	Kim Jong-yang.
	Yeah.
	Kim Jong-un.
	Yang-young.
	Yang-yang.
	You're acting like those fucking ass.
	It has a yawn in it.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Whatever it is.
	I know it has a yawn in it because every time I hear it, I get tired.
	Kim Jong-yeon.
	Yeah, yeah.
	What is it?
	Kim Jong-un.
	Kim Jong-un.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Un.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Kim Jong-un.
	I remember we were on set.
	You were like, how do we get...
	Yeah, yeah.
	And I'm like, dude, can we do the scene, bro?
	But we shouldn't do the scene because we need to go to Kim Jong-un.
	I know, dude.
	Bro, imagine if we rolled up there.
	But how do we get him?
	Here, I'll make a plea right now.
	Mr. Oon, Erlun, Mr. Oon, my name's Theo.
	This is my friend, Bobby.
	And we want to say that we are proud of you.
	Ease up.
	All right.
	Yeah, yeah.
	You're an American, bro.
	Ease up.
	Sorry.
	We want to say that we know a lot.
	We know about you.
	And you've got a lot of fans here.
	Talk about it.
	You have great hair.
	Love the hair.
	A lot of it reminds me of like a strong haircut.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Talk about Militario Oh and you got Beautiful Like a Yeah, man.
	You got cheeks for days.
	You got them little, yeah, you got them fucking frisky jowls, boy.
	Yeah, yeah.
	You know, just like a damn little damn panda that's just had a couple sugar pieces.
	Yeah, you probably have a cute penis.
	Oh.
	No?
	Well, I don't want to end up seeing it if we go, but I'll take a peek.
	Yeah, yeah, we'll take a peek.
	It probably looks like a minion.
	Yeah.
	Right, right?
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah.
	That'd be cool, dude, right?
	If he pulled it out and it fucking did that with the little goggles, bro, he would put pencils.
	We get him goggles and a little fucking like overalls and we'll put on his dick.
	Yeah, we want you to have a minion party and we want to come to it.
	We would like to be ambassadors from North Korea to America.
	And what we would do is what would we bring?
	We would bring some of your DVDs.
	We'll bring a lot of cool magazines and stuff that you guys don't have.
	DVDs, high-speed.
	Ebony.
	I bet you they don't have ebony, dude.
	Or jet.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, dude.
	We got ebony, jet.
	They don't get it there.
	We'll bring pictures of black friends that we have.
	Yeah, yeah, like who?
	Donnell Rollins.
	Yeah, Donnell Rollins.
	Ian Edwards.
	Ian Edwards.
	Yeah.
	And even we'll bring whatever you want, but you invite us and we're your guys.
	Yeah, and will we work?
	Huh?
	Would we work?
	I think we're only going to stay for like a week, I think.
	But what would that be like, though?
	I think it would be sucky, dude.
	You think?
	Yeah, because it's like, first of all, the food.
	Imagine the food.
	It can't be good.
	He's an emperor.
	Yeah, he's not going to be like, oh, come eat my food.
	Yeah, he will.
	No, he won't.
	He's not going to come into my bed and eat my food.
	He's not going to do that.
	You think he's going to make us go somewhere else?
	No, he'll probably go, you stay hotel.
	We send, you know, food.
	Right?
	And then we're going to eat like cat meat?
	What the fuck do they have there, bro?
	I don't know.
	You know what I found out, though?
	Don't check this out.
	This is a fact, I think.
	I bet they have like Marie Calendars or something, right?
	What do they have in North Korea?
	A chain restaurant?
	There's no chain restaurant in Korea, dude.
	We love a chicken papaya.
	No, they don't have fucking Marie Calendars.
	Do they do?
	There's no way they have it there, dude.
	You don't think they have a Mic'ib?
	Yeah, yeah.
	We like the McAib.
	Is that a McDonald's in North Korea?
	I think it's like their version.
	But you're right.
	They don't have like fast food.
	They don't have fast food there.
	No corporations go there.
	What?
	Yeah, dude, I find.
	So you imagine the home cooking.
	It's all home cooking.
	Bro, I want to say a couple of things about things I know about North Korea.
	No, but check it out, dude.
	Number one, meat is hard to come by, right?
	And sometimes they eat people.
	It's sad, right?
	And then the second thing is, did you know that they have factories there?
	They only make crystal meth.
	Jeez.
	And you know what they give the workers their compensation?
	What, like boxing gloves?
	No.
	Have you seen that meth boxing?
	No, no, no, no.
	They gave them more meth as their work compensation.
	Which is smart because it's like they just keep them working.
	And then what they do is they take all this crystal meth, they put them on these boats, and then they go to the Philippines and then to these docks, and then it's shipped to black markets and countries.
	Black markets?
	Like, what do you mean?
	What do you mean?
	Like, black markets.
	Uh-oh.
	Yeah, I'm not.
	Oh, no, I'm not saying.
	No, I see what you're saying.
	Like, you think that it's like at a Vaughn's in Compton?
	You mean like fam dollar?
	No, no, no.
	Black market is a thing where it's like, you know what I mean?
	I don't even know how to explain it.
	It's like underground marketplace.
	Oh, okay.
	Like a dark alley or something?
	Maybe it could involve that, you know what I mean?
	But like, you know, human trafficking is in the black market.
	Oh, damn.
	Damn, you know what I mean?
	But I guess if, yeah, I guess if I'm human trafficking or being human trafficked, I would probably want to have math.
	If you were with Kim Jong-un, though, and he's like, honestly, he goes, you people are going to die unless you suck it.
	Who would go first?
	Let me think for one second.
	I would go first.
	Bro.
	I'm volunteering.
	What?
	Because, dude, I can't have the dude nut.
	I can't have him anywhere around me.
	I heard he nuts early, dude.
	They shoot those missiles at any hour for no reason.
	Oh, you think he would not?
	You think I would go first and he would nut and he'd look at you and go, no need.
	You know what I mean?
	He did the job.
	You know how angry I'd be?
	I would just be like, what the fuck?
	You know what I mean?
	Imagine that.
	God damn, I did too good.
	I did ball work or whatever.
	You'd be like a little squirrel, dude.
	What do I think?
	Well, I'm just saying, boy, if you catching that damn Jaundice nut out there out in Noco, bro.
	Yeah, yeah.
	But, bro, if you took that semen and saved it inside you, that would be our movie.
	What do you mean?
	You get Kim Jong-un's seed.
	And I have to hold it in my mouth?
	Yes.
	Because we have to get it out of the country.
	Bro, how long?
	It seems like a couple of days.
	How long, bro?
	Bro, bro.
	It seems like a couple of days.
	We have to have a plot.
	Dude, you have to have at least like, yeah, I mean, enough to have a good story arc.
	All right.
	How about this?
	I'll keep it in my mouth, but I'll give you three hours to...
	Oh, come on, bro.
	I have to breathe.
	Huh?
	Well, we could get you one of those oxygen tanks.
	Oh, what do you mean?
	Huh?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, one of those, like, just a little, and we'll, with the, on the little stroller.
	You stick the things in the oxygen tubes, and then you take electrical tape and just zip my mouth shut.
	Well, we can't make sure you have to, we also have to kind of pinch your throat so you don't swallow.
	Because, dude, if we get that.
	Oh, imagine.
	Dude, do it for me.
	We're in the trunk.
	I swallow it accidentally.
	Oh, my.
	Imagine.
	You hit a bone.
	I'd be so fucking mad at you.
	Then we'd have to get it out of your stomach, dude.
	This whole thing is the movie because if we get that DNA, then we can create another one of him.
	Why would we want to do that?
	Let's create a Daniel DeKim or a Jimmy Oyang.
	I don't know.
	Because I think then you send that one there to make him...
	Wow.
	We would have to grow that one fast, though.
	We could do it.
	See, what you're saying to me is, okay, let's just do the scenario.
	Take it over to Elon Bust.
	He'll grow it.
	Right.
	We go to his palace.
	Okay.
	We do the introductions.
	Right.
	Now, the first two days we get there, we're going to have to party our balls off, dude.
	So we're going to lose our sobriety.
	We're going to have to wear like robes and stuff, probably.
	All the women.
	I would lose my sobriety for that.
	I would.
	Yeah, there's so many different scenarios.
	There's probably 10 scenarios where I would lose it, and that's one of them.
	That's one.
	Yeah, yeah.
	It would be sucky, though.
	I would feel so sad partying with you in North Korea.
	But we'd bring a big book with us and do a meeting every now and then.
	But we're drunk.
	Yeah, but we tried.
	Okay.
	So we're there.
	We're partying for two days.
	Oh, yeah.
	And we're wearing robes, dude.
	And everybody's, and look, dude, we don't know what anybody's talking about.
	Right.
	Look, they keep talking to me and I point at you to translate and you don't know what they're talking about either.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Then we go to the thing that...
	Now, do we volunteer blowing him or does we wait for him to...
	Yeah.
	I'm not going to bring it up.
	What do I do?
	It's part of the movie.
	I think you got to know it's coming.
	No, I'll do this.
	Just keep your mouth open a lot?
	A little bit.
	We're having a coffee with them.
	Not full on, but you're just subtly, you know what I mean?
	You look, I love your palace.
	And I go, yeah.
	Right?
	Yeah.
	What is that weird?
	I feel something down below.
	And I keep going.
	Right?
	Yeah.
	And sometimes I'll do this.
	I bet he's got that little pickled corn thing.
	Bring up one of those.
	Pickled corns.
	You know what I'm talking about?
	No, man.
	That little thing that they put sometime in a damn drink or something at a fancy place.
	Right there.
	Third row, sixth pitcher.
	Seth's fifth.
	Oh, baby.
	Pickled corn.
	Oh, wow.
	Wow, that's what it is.
	That baby corner.
	Yeah, dude.
	You think that's what it looks like?
	I think he's got that dirty little amber jack on him.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Oh, yeah, dude.
	So then he'd go after dinner, coffee, he'd go like, okay, you both blow.
	Who go first?
	I would volunteer.
	Well, I think we'd have to draw a straw.
	We have to do something to make it.
	So then that's part of the movie where it's like, how is it going to happen?
	Oh, we have that like competition.
	Yeah, something.
	We'll do like montage of competitions.
	Okay.
	You know what I mean?
	We're picking straws or sticks or the thing.
	Like a dick cathalon.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And then we cut to, we're on a track and we're running.
	Yeah.
	You know, cut to, we're like, you know what I mean?
	Doing hurdle.
	Just one hurdle.
	Yeah, doing one hurdle.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And then I lose, obviously.
	And then we cut to, I'm blowing him.
	I pep talk you.
	But you're in the corner.
	I can't do it within the room.
	What if I hide behind him?
	I'll be able to see you.
	Dude, imagine, dude, it's like enough pressure.
	It's humiliating for me.
	I'm sorry, man.
	What if I'm trying to think where I could be?
	I'll tell you where you're going.
	But if I'm not in the room, I'm going to believe it that it happened.
	Oh, that's true.
	Okay.
	I'll let you be in the corner of the room on a chair.
	Yeah.
	And I'll wear something different.
	You won't even know it's me.
	Yeah, yeah.
	How about this?
	You put a sheet over it and you're like, we'll cut out the whole.
	Oh, come on.
	No, because I want a whole KKK vibe.
	That'd be weird.
	But if it helps you, man, I'll help you.
	It'll help me.
	It'll help me.
	Then I'll do it.
	Right, right.
	So then I do it.
	I hold it in my mouth.
	Right.
	And I go, then you have to talk from now on.
	Ooh, yeah.
	I cannot talk from now on.
	Yes.
	Yeah, yeah.
	It's like, see no evil here, no evil.
	Bring that up.
	Give me the Gene Wilder Richard Parrot movie?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Yeah.
	See no evil here, no evil.
	Bring it up right here.
	Just click on it.
	Yeah, click on it, dude.
	I love that movie, dude.
	Yeah.
	One of them's blind and one of them's deaf, right?
	Just click on.
	There we go.
	Yeah, yeah.
	There we go.
	It's a weird movie.
	Yeah, one of them's blind and one of them is deaf.
	So, um...
	I love that movie.
	So I'm holding my mouth.
	You're doing all the talking.
	Right.
	And now I got to get us out of there.
	Right.
	And he goes, it's bedtime.
	It's bedtime, boys.
	So now we have to go and he wants us to sleep in his bed, right?
	No.
	Because we got to sneak out of there.
	Ah.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	So we got to sneak out of there.
	How about this, though?
	How about this?
	All right.
	I get a Bill Cosby pill.
	Okay.
	You know what I mean?
	Because I know a guy.
	All right, that has a fucking, Okay.
	He has these purple pills, right?
	Yeah.
	And you put one of these Cosby pills in his drink.
	Because I can't have him like...
	Mmm, mmm, mmm.
	I'm going to watch, you know, me, movies on my iPad.
	Yeah, he probably will, too.
	I bet he wears a diaper, too.
	You're just sitting there just hoarding.
	Hoarding, right?
	Oh.
	So we got to get that guy out.
	Right.
	So you have to.
	If you don't do that, I'll be so mad.
	I'll sing him.
	I'll be like, hush, little baby, don't say a word.
	And he's something in Korean.
	We sneak out.
	Do you have a plane ready?
	Do you have a plane ready?
	Huh?
	Why can't I just, dude, let me just, can I just ask you?
	Do you have a plane ready?
	Yeah, let me ask you something.
	Yeah, go on.
	Why can't I just go put it in my mouth?
	I got to go to the bathroom and spit it into a jar or like a little receptacle.
	Why do I have to keep it in my mouth?
	Because you have to keep it in a condition where it would actually be able to live.
	I know, but what if I have, like, I could probably go to Elon Musk or somebody and go, can you make me a fucking cum receptacle for Kim Jong-un?
	That's going to keep the cum alive.
	I guess.
	I just don't understand why I have to keep it in my mouth the whole time.
	I don't know why I had to blow the dude.
	That's true.
	That's a good point.
	That's a good point.
	But since you did.
	Since I did, I should keep it in my mouth.
	We got to make a movie about it.
	All right.
	So then we got to get you out of the country.
	Oh, here's how you do it.
	Don't they not eat pork or something?
	Can you Google that up?
	Don't they eat pork, dude?
	What animal don't they eat?
	We can disguise.
	They eat every animal.
	There's not an animal they don't eat because we could disguise you as that animal.
	Right.
	Oh, I see.
	Well, you could disguise me as like a panda's hacky.
	How about a red panda?
	Oh, because they're extinct, right?
	No, there's a couple around.
	So, yeah.
	So you would be like an endangered species.
	Yeah, yeah.
	A red panda.
	Yeah.
	Right.
	And so I'm wearing the outfit.
	I still have it in my cheeks.
	Right.
	Right.
	And I'm like, I can't communicate.
	And you're going to be losing weight too because you're not going to be eating.
	For how long do I have it in my mouth?
	I mean, it's going to take at least probably 72 hours to get to the border.
	You definitely have to keep – Well, yeah, we're going to have to do a lot.
	You can't make me laugh.
	Oh, that's true.
	You can't make me laugh.
	You can't.
	No emotion.
	Okay.
	It's just focus.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I get in the thing.
	Locked in.
	Like Ram Peterson.
	Yeah.
	Jordan Peter lost.
	I'll listen to Jordan Peterson on tape.
	That'll motivate me.
	Yeah.
	And Ram Das.
	Ooh, well, I like Ram Das.
	You know what I mean?
	More spiritual.
	Just keep expanding.
	Yeah, I like Ram Das.
	He's good.
	He's good, right?
	And then we get to the border.
	Then I can spit it out.
	We have scientists on the other side.
	Oh, they're waiting.
	Oh, they're waiting.
	I spit it out.
	And I need Listerine.
	I don't know if they have that in South Korea.
	They have Listerine.
	They have some form of it.
	You think?
	100%.
	Okay.
	Yeah, they fucking clean their mouths there.
	Okay, cool.
	All right.
	Yeah, so you got Listerine.
	Now you're cleaned out and you're back.
	Right.
	And now we come back to America and we are heroes, dude.
	How?
	And now we have to raise him in the sequel.
	I know in the sequel we raise him, but we have to raise them fast because you're saying that we have to replace a grown, we got to grow ours to replace him.
	We can't have a kid go up there and replace him.
	Right.
	So we have to have some, we have to put fertilizer.
	I don't know how they do it.
	We got to grow them fast too.
	Yeah, we're going to go.
	How do we grow them fast?
	I don't know.
	Rice balls?
	I don't know.
	I don't know.
	I don't know what.
	You know what I mean?
	Maybe a lot of rice balls.
	I don't know.
	I've seen people that eat a lot of rice krispy treats, dude.
	I mean, they're just fat.
	I think the movie needs work.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, yeah.
	You're right.
	We put Liam Neeson in it.
	So close with the movie.
	We're so close with a fucking great movie.
	Oh.
	Yeah, we just needed a little, you know.
	Yeah, dude.
	Fuck.
	That's all right.
	We got time to think about it.
	How do you think this movie is doing that you and I are doing?
	I think it's interesting, man.
	I mean, first of all, it's been interesting to do a movie for me, and I wasn't going to do it unless you did it, which is kind of crazy.
	You're creating that on the wire, huh?
	I know.
	We were tuck-holling each other like every five minutes going, are you going to do it?
	Are you going to do it?
	Are you going to do it?
	I don't know.
	And we're doing it.
	I just feel like it's, I feel like it's right.
	The cast is right.
	And I just feel, you know what?
	I'm proud of you because you're killing it.
	Oh, thanks.
	You really are.
	Thanks.
	And I, obviously, because you haven't done a lot of movies, right?
	Yeah.
	So there was a kind of like, oh, what is he going to do?
	But you're like being real, being very funny.
	And I think this will be good, man.
	You do?
	Oh, yeah.
	If it sucks.
	Dude, I saw that fucking last take, what Johnny did, and I watched the camera.
	It looks so cinematic.
	Really?
	Oh, my God.
	It looks so good.
	Dude, your character is so crazy.
	Yours is too.
	Why is my character crazy?
	I mean, he just like.
	He's been through so much, though.
	I know.
	But yeah, dude, I think that scene with the chicken wings is hilarious.
	It's so ridiculous.
	I watched from that editor thing or whatever.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Where like you're chasing the guy and stuff.
	Yeah.
	All right, we'll see what happens, man.
	But yeah, man, I think, yeah, it was so funny because on Friday, we'd be like, all right, let's talk on money and see if we want to do it.
	And then on Monday, one Monday, we're like, oh, we're not doing it, dude.
	And then next Monday, like, we're in.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, it's weird.
	I just feel like it was like kind of meant to be, I don't know.
	I like the guy, Laje.
	Yep.
	And it's about a sober living.
	Laj is the director, and he wrote it.
	It's fun, man.
	Look, it's fun, and I'm glad I get to try and just learn it around you because it's like, you know, you wouldn't let me mess up if I was really doing bad.
	No.
	And Johnny Knoxville's in it.
	Mo Amer.
	It's interesting.
	Yeah.
	Mo Amer, who else?
	Oh, Gate.
	Gate is cool.
	Yeah.
	Dumbfounded.
	Gate is crazy, isn't he?
	Like Dumbfounded?
	Yeah, yeah.
	Who's better looking, me or Dumbfounded?
	Oh, I don't know.
	Probably him, I think.
	That hurts.
	Does it really?
	A little bit.
	But you know what?
	In a different way, you're better looking more in like a historical way.
	Old?
	I wouldn't say old.
	I would say you're very like, I feel like you have that look that has been through time.
	Yeah, that just, because I'll tell you what, we went to a club last night after the store.
	Did y'all?
	And he goes, let's go to this Korean club.
	You guys went?
	Yeah, I went.
	And do y'all always do that?
	What is it like?
	What's it like when you see another Korean?
	Do you?
	You should have gone.
	They would have loved you there.
	But if you see another Korean, do you know immediately that they're Korean?
	What do you mean?
	Like, do you know?
	Well, he has a friend that looks Filipino, so sometimes you don't know.
	You know what I mean?
	He had like, you know what I mean, monkey eyes.
	Oh, he had all of it?
	Yeah, yeah.
	He had the Filipino round eyes.
	Oh, they were bulging out.
	You guys got those crescents, baby.
	Yeah, we have crescents, right?
	So him, I was like, you're Korean?
	He's like, I am.
	And I go, wow, that was shocking.
	But he looked good.
	I'm not saying that I'm not making fun of him.
	I look handsome.
	You know what I mean?
	But I went to the club and there was this guy who that day had performed in front of 60,000 people.
	And his name is Jay Park.
	He's like this huge Korean rapper or singer.
	Wow.
	Right.
	So I was there at his table.
	Right.
	He's a huge fan.
	I don't know why.
	He's back in the, when he was when he was a kid, he watched Mad TV or whatever it might be.
	But so I hung out with the table, but I realized that night that I'm never going to get laid again.
	Really?
	Yeah, because women, they don't look at me.
	They think that I'm like their accountant.
	Really?
	I'm being real, dude.
	An accountant where, dude?
	On like a shipping dock or something?
	Like a wooden.
	Like a wooden shipping dock?
	No, like a...
	I'm an accountant for like, you know, Bungie, the gaming company.
	For what?
	Like a kind of...
	I feel like it would be like, hey, kind of like a...
	Yeah, but still an accountant nonetheless.
	That's true.
	That's true.
	But they look at me like, like not in a viable way.
	Oh, yeah.
	And they look like, you know, oh, no, not you.
	You know what I mean?
	I just kind of feel it.
	So it's like, I might be alone for a while, bro.
	I'm happy about it.
	I don't give a shit.
	But do you show up?
	Because here's sometimes this can happen too.
	You show up to a thing.
	It's like a night.
	It's like a festival, not festive night.
	People are excited.
	And you show up with kind of like this.
	I get scared in those type of environments, kind of, and I show up with a lower energy.
	And so then I seem like the weird guy, you know?
	I think, yeah, I do have a weird, because I can't do my Bobby Leeisms in a club environment.
	You know what I mean?
	Because it's loud.
	People are walking around.
	So I'm just kind of like, you know what I mean, like biting my nails and I'm in the corner.
	I'm in the table.
	I'm like where, I'm at the table where everyone wants to be.
	Right.
	Finally, I get to the table, but now I'm like the dad.
	Yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	So I'm just sitting there and, you know, all these girls wanted to take photos with Jay Park, Right, and dumbfounded, right?
	And every once in a while a dude, it's always a dude, some older Korean dude.
	I'm a big pen.
	Oh, right.
	To me, and I'm like, oh God, you have a dick, dude.
	Oh, my God, this is so sad.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, but it's like, and they're older, and what are they wearing usually?
	Khakis.
	Oh, golf shirt.
	Khakis, golf shirt, right?
	Oh, God.
	Perm.
	Get it.
	You know, Koreans perm their hair.
	Yeah, Korean dudes perm their hair.
	Pull it up, Rodney.
	Yeah, Korean perm.
	Yeah, Korean guys perm their hair.
	Oh, man.
	All my uncles did it.
	They all got their perm.
	Yeah, because they didn't like the straight A's.
	Korean guys.
	Korean male perm.
	Do male.
	Wow.
	Like that dude down there.
	And Korean, a lot of Korean women look deceased, don't they, in the skin tone?
	What do you mean?
	They have a very deceased-looking tone on them.
	Like that guy right down there in the third row.
	Who is he?
	You had the red-headed kid there.
	Oh, to the left.
	One more.
	Anyway, that guy right there.
	Yeah, that.
	Wow.
	Like, old Korean dudes do that too.
	Like, Jack Hollow.
	Yeah, they want to, like, you know what I mean?
	Yeah.
	They want to look different, you know what I mean?
	They do, huh?
	Yeah.
	When it's like, because you ever go to a Korean spa, we have straight pubes.
	Really?
	Yeah, it's like your dick isn't shock.
	Oh, my God.
	So it's like, ah, you know what I mean?
	And the hairs come out.
	Oh.
	Yeah, yeah.
	They don't really, like, if I plucked one out right now, you wouldn't think that that was from my fucking genitalia era.
	Oh, my God.
	Yours curl?
	Yeah, mine curl.
	Mine kind of seem, I mean, they seem anxious, I feel like, but they're curled.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Most of mine are curled probably from sheer anxiety, probably.
	But you don't shave yours?
	Huh?
	I trim mine down now.
	Can I just show you?
	Huh?
	Yeah.
	Oh, wow.
	Look at the bone part, bro, dude.
	It's acne.
	Damn, bro.
	That's pure acne, bro.
	Damn.
	Oh, I thought that was the penis.
	No, dude.
	I rock harder than that, dude.
	Oh, thank God.
	Dude, I would kill myself if that was my penis.
	Would you kill yourself?
	I mean, it's a pretty big zip.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Yeah.
	Dude, if I had like that little red bump as my penis, oh, forget it.
	I'd be a monk.
	What's the smallest a penis can be?
	Can you bring that up for me, brother Bear?
	What's a small?
	They can be pretty small, bro.
	Yeah, do adult male, too.
	Adult male, yeah, yeah.
	Go to images?
	Smallest penis in the study is about 1.6.
	Good images.
	Yeah, let's go to images.
	Let's see if they give us anything.
	Okay, nothing.
	Nothing.
	You know what's better?
	Put in micro penis.
	Really?
	Yeah, I've Googled it before.
	Why?
	Oh my God, look at that, dude.
	Look at that little one right there.
	Yeah, that.
	Wow.
	Bro.
	Would you kill yourself?
	Zoom in on that, huh?
	Would you kill yourself?
	Okay.
	Wow.
	Oh, my God.
	Oh, poor guy.
	Right?
	Can you zoom a little more?
	Wow, look at that.
	Wow.
	It looked like a boiled peanut.
	It looks like it has a little two eyes and a little face on top.
	It looks like a boiled peanut.
	It doesn't it?
	It looks like a boiled peanut, dude.
	Oh, my God.
	Oh, my God.
	Imagine that.
	Would be nice, though, is you could probably play with yourself and nobody would even know.
	Yeah.
	Well, you would just rub it like a clip.
	You know what I mean?
	Like, that's how you drink out.
	You just rub it like that.
	Yeah.
	Dude, you have to have, to get a woman with that penis, you'd have to be Jeff Bezos.
	Yeah.
	That's what you would have to offer.
	I'll give you a mansion and a yacht because this is nothing.
	You'd have to be Elon Bezos.
	Right.
	What do you think about that, Zach, that wiener?
	It's a tough life, for sure.
	It's a pretty tough life.
	Yeah.
	I'm sorry for the other image.
	That was an accident.
	It's okay, man.
	It's dangerous.
	You got to understand it's dangerous ground that Google searched.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Yeah.
	You know what I would do?
	You know what I would do with that?
	I would transition.
	You would?
	Oh, yeah.
	I would forget it.
	I would just turn that into a vivage.
	Oh, that's a great idea.
	And then you'd have the nicest little vagina.
	Yeah, it would be nice.
	All you would have to do is because usually what they do when they do the transition, right, is they take a penis, they cut it in half, and they tuck all the penis and everything inside the body.
	But with that, I wouldn't do that.
	I would just keep it as is and just build the vagina around it.
	And that would be my clit.
	Ooh.
	Wow.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah.
	And just imagining, it almost sounds like a very, it sounds like a delicacy, you know?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Dude, new man.
	So how about this?
	You meet a great guy, right?
	He's a cool guy.
	Who?
	Huh?
	I'm not telling you who he is because I don't know who he is because it's just a magic.
	It's a magic person or made up fictional.
	So you meet a great guy.
	He's really, really cool.
	You love him.
	You end up falling in love with him.
	Gay love.
	Yeah.
	And then he says.
	DeLante.
	Daylante.
	I want him to be Delante Jackson.
	Delante Jackson.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Okay.
	So you're going, yeah.
	He's a mulatto.
	I know what you're doing.
	Yeah, yeah.
	He's a mixed boy.
	He's a mixed boy, yeah.
	And he gets a sex change.
	Do you still continue to see him?
	Wait, I don't get the fucking scenario.
	So what you're saying is, I'm dating Delante Jackson.
	I'm not gay, though.
	All right.
	That was a test.
	That whole thing was a test.
	I know.
	What you're saying to me is this.
	If I was dating a black girl by the name, a mulatto girl named Delicia, Delicia Jackson, and she goes, I'm going to be Delante, and I'm getting the operation.
	Do you stay?
	I would leave.
	You would?
	First of all, making a penis out of vagina is probably so difficult.
	Really?
	Because unless you have a lot of vagina.
	Yeah, I guess you have, because what do you do?
	You borrow fat from your leg or something?
	Yeah.
	Or you have to have a lot of vagina.
	Wow.
	You know what I mean?
	A lot of vagina meat.
	Because they got to really jangle that thing up.
	Yeah, they got to jangle it up.
	Damn.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And I don't know what that's going to look like.
	Also, she's probably going to take hormones and her voice is going to get deeper.
	Yeah.
	Or testosterone is that testosterone.
	Yeah.
	And she's going to grow facial hair.
	At that point, it's going to be, nah.
	Right?
	It's just tough because I don't know what the future holds for you.
	You're going to like Chris Spencer.
	I don't know what the future holds for you guys.
	I know nothing.
	There is no future.
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	Dude, do you really think so?
	Because you're living a single life now.
	Yeah.
	Does it really bum you out or no?
	I'm sorry, man.
	I just didn't know if it's tough because you said you went to that party with the guy.
	I didn't go there to meet women.
	I'm trying to like get out in the world because I'm sober.
	So it's like, usually what I do is I'll do the clubs, go straight home and watch TV.
	Right.
	And now I'm just going, I'm 50. Do I go out and try to mingle?
	Right.
	So I went to the club.
	You know what I mean?
	And also it's like, you know, with dumbfounded, in a Korean club, you don't wait in line.
	Right.
	I went into an elevator, zipped up right to the booth.
	I mean, it was like, you know what I mean?
	The treatment.
	Oh, yeah.
	Right.
	So I went up there and stuff.
	And it's all Koreans in there.
	Some halfies too, but mostly you see one white dude always alone at the bar.
	And what's he doing?
	He's.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	And no one's talking to him.
	Like a wook?
	Yeah, he's a wook, dude.
	Wow.
	Yeah, dude, that's the fuck.
	That's what the term is.
	I never knew what that term is, and we just created it.
	We did?
	Yeah, and a white dude that wants to be an Asian.
	Oh, yeah.
	He's a wook.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, yeah.
	So there's a wook at the bar.
	These winks.
	Yeah, yeah, these winks.
	Say.
	We're going to go to jail.
	No, we're not going to jail, dude.
	We're not.
	Okay.
	No, no, no, because we're just creating terminology for the folklore.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, for people.
	We're creating words, right?
	Oh, there's nothing yet.
	Some wink hanging around.
	Wearing a Jeremy Lynn jersey.
	Yeah.
	Right.
	This got a stop, man.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And he's got like a Dragon Ball Z tattoo on his arm.
	You know what I mean?
	Like weird, right?
	And he's just like there, right?
	And he's got like, for some reason, just extra boba in his pockets, right?
	Just loose boba.
	You know how like Tater talks, but he just uses boba and he eats it in his pockets, right?
	And he's sitting there and like, obviously he likes Asian women.
	Yeah.
	He wants to be Asian.
	It's like that one white influencer who got his eyes operated on to look Asian.
	No.
	Yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	So it's like, I don't know who it was, but a guy did that.
	Like he wants to, he's going for a white man.
	He's a white dude that wants to be Asian and we a wook.
	And we just created the fucking word, man.
	He's fucking.
	Yeah, that dude.
	Ali London.
	Ollie London.
	Ollie London.
	Look at him.
	And do you guys accept these types of people into, do Asian people easily accept folks like this into their culture?
	Or is this considered a taboo move, kind of?
	What do you mean, accept?
	Like, he's not going to be like, you know what I mean?
	If we have a ping pong tournament, he's not invited.
	I'm just saying, you got fucking Ramen Dolazal over here.
	And is that accepted or not?
	That's what I'm wondering.
	Yeah.
	I don't know.
	Like, if I saw that dude, you know what I mean, roll up in the club, I would just be like, I would be scared.
	Yeah.
	Because he looks like fucking He looks like MSG MGK.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, he doesn't look...
	He doesn't look, you know what he looks like?
	A 50-year-old woman who just got Botox.
	That's what she looks like, right?
	Like any 50 or 60-year-old woman that gets Botox.
	Yeah, go to that other picture where he's wearing the purple shirt down one.
	Yeah.
	Down two, down three.
	Down more.
	Right there.
	Purple shirt.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	This honestly looks like this beautiful girl named Sarah that I dated one time.
	Yeah.
	But that dude, it's like, I think his parents are very disappointed.
	I should have been a better guy to her.
	But yeah, I think her, I think, I don't know what leads someone to want to be so Asian?
	Do you think they're obsessed with the culture?
	Do you think they're obsessed with the look?
	Yeah, people are really obsessed now, like, of the culture because of, you know, because, you know, Korea has a really cool musical scene.
	You know what I mean?
	The K-pop song.
	Oh, yeah, it's huge.
	It's huge, global, you know.
	I did a movie with this guy, Henry Lau in Thailand.
	And he would, one time he goes, hey, come to my hotel because he stayed at a different hotel.
	And I walked over there and I saw 300 tents of girls sleeping outside his hotel.
	And then when I walked toward them, people would give me rice cakes.
	Right.
	Give this to Henry.
	Right.
	And I go, I don't think he likes rice cakes.
	I think he likes pussy cakes.
	You know what I mean?
	It's like, if you have a pussy cake, you know what I mean?
	Imagine me giving fucking Henry Lowe rice cake.
	What the fuck is this shit?
	You know what I mean?
	So anyway, I would bring rice cakes to him.
	And I'd be like, people just live there.
	Wow.
	Right.
	And the kind of power.
	And I made the very big mistake.
	So it was a movie I did with this guy.
	Right.
	And so I get a call going, we're doing a press conference in LA.
	So it was like, I'm not kidding you, a thousand kids, mostly white, right?
	And I kept saying backstage, I go, can you just bring me out first?
	They go, no, no, no, no, no.
	Henry, go up first.
	Right?
	And I got on my hands and knees.
	Yeah.
	I go, please, just put me up first.
	Is that a cultural thing or what is it?
	No, because I just knew what was going to happen.
	Oh, yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah.
	I knew what was going to happen.
	If they said, Bobby Lee, I would get cheers.
	Yeah.
	Not a lot, but some, right?
	And then Henry Lauha, right?
	But that's not what happened.
	It went, Henry Lao.
	And when they said Bobby Lee, you couldn't hear it because of the fucking noise.
	So I walked out and I got the residual of his claps.
	It was fucking embarrassing, dude.
	Damn.
	Yeah, it was terrible, dude.
	They're like, who's that accountant with Henry?
	Yeah, yeah.
	That's what I look like.
	Like his publicist or something.
	Yeah.
	Oh, it's fucking terrible.
	But those people have fucking weight, man.
	It's powerful, dude.
	Why do Koreans, why are they so, why do they get so, do they, do Koreans get more obsessed with pop icons than Americans do?
	Yeah, but they're only obsessed with pop, right?
	Like Billie Eilish, you know, Harry Styles.
	That's Clint Eastwood, they don't care.
	They don't know who the fuck he is.
	Okay.
	You know what I mean?
	They can't even say it.
	Wow.
	They would go, couldn't, what?
	And I'd go, Eastwood, right?
	They wouldn't know.
	Wow.
	Like, if you told them, like, who's Robert Mitchum, they would not know.
	Who's Steve?
	Robert Mitchum?
	He was an actor.
	The deodorant guy?
	No.
	Yeah, he was an actor for the 50s.
	Or any, like, any, like, like, for instance, I've been to Korea.
	Right.
	They, no one knows who I am.
	Really?
	Dude, it was like being invisible.
	Like, it reminded me of what it was like in high school.
	Oh.
	Just like, oh, no one knows me.
	Like, when I walk around in LA, I mean, I get recognized maybe.
	It's not, I don't live for it, but 10, 15, 20 times, you know what I mean?
	People go, love Tiger Belly, this and that, right?
	I don't feel as invisible, right?
	In Korea, dude, they don't give a fuck about me, except for the artists.
	Like, there's this guy named JYP who's like the puff daddy of Korea.
	He flew me out there last time to do a music video for him.
	You know what I mean?
	I was in a music video for a band called The Wonder Girls.
	Dang.
	Yeah, yeah.
	So I flew off for that.
	So they requested me, but all the civilians, I had to wait in line.
	No one said hi.
	It was like, yeah, they don't give a fuck.
	That's interesting.
	It feels like what it was like in high school.
	That's such an interesting comparison.
	Because the whole reason, I don't want to get like, but the whole reason, it's like, I don't know about you, but growing up, and even in my early 20s, I felt invisible.
	You know what I mean?
	Like, I remember I lived with this guy named Calisto.
	He was a handsome Mexican dude.
	Oh, wow.
	He sounds like it.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And we would walk into a bar and one time a woman just walked up to him and started making al of them.
	He didn't even say, hi, my name is Calisto, nothing, right?
	And I walk in so invisible, you know, I just felt like, I don't know, like I didn't exist almost, right?
	And so you just kind of pursue this thing to like express yourself, you know?
	Yeah.
	This comedy thing, you know what I mean?
	And it's like, I finally got to the point, you know what I mean, where, you know, I don't feel as invisible.
	I feel like I'm a part of the world, I guess.
	It's so sad to even think that I even need to do all this to feel that way.
	You know what I mean?
	It is, but it makes sense, though, man.
	Especially what you're saying.
	It's like, I can really relate to that.
	It's like.
	Did you feel invisible?
	Oh, man.
	I realized that like, like, my mom never looked at me very much or she just worked all she was gone.
	And my dad wasn't around.
	So, yeah, I think I felt like nobody ever saw me.
	Like, man, nobody even knows, nobody that I care about or anything even knows who I am.
	You know?
	Yeah.
	Like, I would give anything.
	I think as a like a child, I'd give anything for somebody to just look at me.
	You know?
	Like, man, if somebody would have just sat and looked at me.
	Yeah.
	It's like, would I even have done this job?
	Sometimes I think about that.
	No, honestly, if I had like, I feel like normal parents that like listened and goes, how do you feel today?
	Or, you know what I mean?
	I adore you or give me a hug or any of that, right?
	I don't know.
	I'd probably be different.
	I'd probably be like, you and I would probably be working for, you know what I mean?
	Amazon in the warehouse.
	Delivery guys.
	Delivery guys or something.
	But we'd have a woman, we'd have kids paying mortgage.
	This sounds horrible, though.
	I don't know if it sounds horrible, it sounds hard, though.
	It sounds really hard, especially given the way that you go.
	Like, it sounds so hard for me to get in.
	It's like it's been so hard for me to trust the affections of anything in the world, like, really, you know?
	It's like, so I've always had that issue of like, I used to say sometimes that I would, if I, if I jumped off a cliff, if I heard a woman's high heels, like, I would find a way to get back up just to see her.
	Like, doesn't make any sense.
	So you're on the Golden Gate Bridge, and you're about to jump off because you kill yourself.
	And I do jump.
	You do jump.
	In mid-air, you hear high heels.
	You would do what Princess Leah did in that one movie and just go back to the ship.
	I would find a way to get back up just to see if that woman would give me attention.
	Yeah.
	Like, I would find, it's like there's something inside of me that would give anything to have, and it doesn't even have to be like sex.
	It just has to be some sort of attention, like a look, or just to see if they see me.
	Yeah, a girl that's saying, I see you, you matter, and I care about you.
	Yeah, or even if she says, look, I don't like it, but I see you.
	Yeah, that.
	I see you.
	I would even accept that.
	Yeah, I would accept that too.
	Yeah.
	Like, hey, you're not my fave, but I see you, Bucko.
	You know?
	That I can almost live with.
	Yeah.
	Do you really, you don't feel like you had that as a kid, huh?
	No, I mean, I tell this story sometimes where this really kind of sums up my childhood.
	When I was eight years old, we lived in Minnesota.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Adina, Minnesota.
	Really?
	Because you know what else happened up there?
	Yeah, Highway to Heaven, bro.
	I get it, dude.
	And I lived in Adina, Minnesota.
	Dover Drive was my street.
	And I remember I didn't have a lot of friends.
	So one day I went, I was like eight years old.
	And I go, mommy, daddy, could I have a pet?
	And they go, oh, what kind?
	You know, I go, a cat.
	So they got my cat, a kitten.
	And I remember that summer, okay, I get emotional even thinking about it.
	I named him Tom because it's like, I didn't know anything else.
	Tom and Jerry was a thing back then.
	It was good?
	Yeah, so I named him Tom.
	And I remember being in the garage because he wouldn't be let in the house.
	We had like a little pen in the garage.
	And I would play with him all day long for weeks.
	And then one day I left and came home and Tom was gone.
	I was freaking out.
	Where's Tom?
	Where's Tom?
	And my dad looks at me and goes, he no longer here.
	I go, what happened?
	I put a pound.
	No.
	And I go, why?
	Mommy, allergic.
	And then I started crying.
	And they go, stop crying.
	And then they left the garage.
	And I remember sitting there, tears.
	There's no voice like, you know, no compromise.
	No, how do you feel?
	You know what I mean?
	No reason why.
	No reason why.
	There's no voice, right?
	And I just had to take it.
	I was powerless, right?
	And I just, that's like my upbringing in a nutshell.
	Like, I just felt like no one heard me.
	And so that's why I learned to act out.
	I learned to like, you know, be funny and do shit.
	But it's like, that's why I have seven animals now.
	Wow.
	You know what I mean?
	Because it's like, I, I love, you know, I love animals so much.
	And it's like, I don't know.
	I just, I'm just compensating for that.
	You know what I mean?
	I don't know what happened to that kid.
	That cat, but it's just like, it just sums up like why I am the way I am, I think.
	You know, I get so angry even thinking about it.
	Oh, dude.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah.
	And when he died two years ago, fuck, how long did he live for?
	Until he was 80. And I loved the man.
	I do.
	I love him.
	You thought about your father?
	My dad.
	Oh, you mean you were thinking about the cat?
	I thought Tom.
	I'm sorry.
	That's really funny, dude.
	I'm sorry.
	My dad.
	You know what I mean?
	When he died, I remember like, just look at my brother and my mom.
	They're just bawling.
	You know what I mean?
	They're just on the ground, rolling around, you know what I mean, in tears.
	You know what I mean?
	And I literally was just looking at not a tear in my eye.
	I was numb.
	I was like, this is fucking weird.
	What do I do?
	So I put sunglasses on because I knew my uncles and aunts were coming in, right?
	Because I wanted to pretend like I was like emotional about it.
	But it's like, I didn't feel anything.
	And it's like, I love him.
	I miss him.
	But it's like, I know, I just have all these unresolved feelings toward him, you know?
	And that's, you know, it's like, I would never do that to my own child.
	You know what I mean?
	Never.
	And he also beat us and all that stuff.
	But it's just like, I don't know, man.
	It's weird.
	I haven't really fully worked it out.
	But I mean, there's reasons why I'm so fucked up, I think.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah, man.
	I'm sorry that that happened to you.
	It's all right, man.
	I really am.
	No.
	That kind of shit's heartbreaking, man.
	That like stuff like that happens to kids.
	Do you think, because I have things like that too, man.
	Sometimes there's like so much anger built up inside.
	Some days I'm, a lot of times I'm okay.
	And then sometimes I'm so angry.
	You know what I got?
	I finally realized the other day why I was angry.
	I realized, because I've always had like a lot of like anger against, I think against my mother.
	I didn't really know my dad that good.
	So my mother's the only parent left.
	And I get angry sometimes because she missed out on me.
	That's what I feel like.
	Yeah.
	Like she missed out on like whoever I was or whatever was unique about me or not unique or whatever my feelings were.
	Like she missed out on all of it.
	You know?
	Yeah.
	It just.
	She's still alive, right?
	Yeah, she's still alive.
	I've seen I've seen photos with her.
	Yeah.
	Do you help her?
	Like if she needs help and stuff?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I help her out, you know, like with help support and stuff like that.
	You know, I'm grateful that my mom, I think she did the best she could.
	And I think it's like, it makes me sad also that my mom probably got treated that, you know, she only knew what she needed.
	It's a cyclical thing.
	It's so fucking worse.
	It's a cyclical thing.
	Yeah, because my parents had it worse when they grew up.
	Way fucking worse.
	You know what I mean?
	I mean, I could tell you fucking crazy stories that they told me, but it's like, you know, but here's the thing, Theo.
	I literally still wouldn't change it for the world.
	Because without all those past experiences, right, I wouldn't be who I am now.
	And I think I'm pretty cool.
	You know what I mean?
	I mean, I'm a fucked up guy, but it's like, you know, I honestly look in the mirror and I go, you know what, dude?
	I'm so proud of myself for some of the things that I persevered through, you know?
	I mean, this business is hard.
	You know what I mean?
	There's a lot of rejection and a lot of like, am I going to make it?
	And this is years of, you know, now, you know, you have the internet and, you know, people do TikTok videos and they do different ways to make money.
	But when I was coming up, right, you had one way.
	You do the clubs, you become an opener, feature, headliner, you get TV spots.
	Hopefully you get a sitcom.
	And that's pretty much it.
	Yeah.
	Right.
	And it's like, I just so proud that I was like, I came to LA with no money.
	I didn't know, I didn't know anybody from show business.
	And I crawled my way to where I am now.
	And there's, you know, there's a resilience to that, I think.
	You know what I mean?
	I always downplay it.
	And I have low self-esteem, but it's like, but at the end of the day, I'm a fucking warrior in a weird way, right?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	It's like I did something.
	Because a lot of people that have had my kind of upbringing, they turn to drugs.
	They don't get sober.
	They perpetuate their behavior and they become shitty dads themselves or whatever it might be.
	You know what I mean?
	But it's like I chose to get sober frequently during my life and try to read books to help better myself to be a good guy.
	You know what I mean?
	You haven't given up.
	I'm not going to give up.
	You never give up on yourself.
	Yeah, no, no.
	And the resilience of it, but it's like, it's a tough business.
	And so I wouldn't change anything for the world, would you?
	Let's be real because you're Theo Vaughn.
	Yeah, I think it's, well, I think it just goes back to that one thing that it's like, if I didn't need attention, if I didn't need, like, I remember a lot of my high school girlfriends and stuff, I kept, I'm still keep in touch with their mothers, you know?
	What do you mean?
	Like, I'm still friends with their mothers.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	It's like friends with them.
	Yeah.
	Like, even more than I talk to the girls, it's like, there was just such a pattern, you know?
	It's like, I just wonder, like, if I would have been, yeah, I would have been different.
	But so some of I think that makes me sad, but no, I don't think so, man.
	I think it's probably the same for you.
	It's like, I chose like, if something in the world isn't going to see me, then I'm going to take the hardest thing the world has, supposedly, which is stand-up comedy, and I'm going to fucking make you see me, you know?
	Yeah.
	I'm going to make you see me.
	It's almost sometimes I think I needed everybody in the world to love me just because I wanted to get my mother to love me.
	It's like I just figured eventually it will get back to her.
	Yeah.
	And then I'll feel some type of way, you know?
	And I'm not trying to get into self-pity either.
	I got to be aware of that because I get into self-pity.
	No, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	No, yeah.
	But I think, man, you're a, dude, there are times people come on, take a picture of like, can I get a picture with you?
	And they'll be like, can you try and look more like Bobby Lee in the picture?
	They will literally want me to be like, they're like, can you squint a little?
	Can you fucking dress like you sell time shares at a carnival?
	They're like, can you help me?
	I get girls going, you are the most beloved.
	I have girls on my DMs going, you're all right, but can you introduce me to Theo?
	Oh, yeah.
	And it's like, everywhere I go, it's like, I don't know a single Bobby Lee fan that isn't a huge Theo Fawn fan.
	Yeah.
	It's like, I feel like you and I kind of cross.
	We're very similar in many ways, don't you think?
	Or no?
	Well, I think especially in this way, like even we're just talking about, you know?
	Yeah.
	It's like, that's one thing that I know in you is that, you know, we both have this similar, a lot of issues with women.
	Yeah.
	And wanting to be seen and people that love us.
	Like you have so many friends, man.
	It's like.
	You too.
	And it's like, you know, listen, I don't want to talk about the past, but I just want to say that I believe, honestly, I think my life would be not as cool without you in it.
	I, you know, watching you rise, becoming friends with you.
	And I don't know, just watching, you have such a unique voice and to see it blossom.
	I just saying that I just feel like everything happens for a reason.
	And you're around this people, certain people for a reason.
	And it's like, I don't know, I just wouldn't change any of this.
	You know what I mean?
	Even your best friend, Brendan Schaub, you know, people online are like, you know what I mean?
	Do you hate Brendan?
	What's going on there?
	Or there's like people attacking me because of that little thing that I had on with Brendan.
	And then they, you know, at the end of the day, it's like, I love Brendan.
	I love you.
	I love everyone.
	You know what I mean?
	We just had a little conflict.
	You know what I mean?
	But at the end of the day, I wouldn't change any of it for the world.
	Even my breakup with Kalila, it's like, you know, it's just a part of life.
	And, you know, we broke up in the most loving way possible because I love her.
	And she's, in many ways, the love of my life.
	You know, she really is.
	I love her more than I've ever loved anyone else.
	You know what I mean?
	She's a part of my life.
	And, you know, if I if I was sick, Kalila would be the first person to be by my bedside, you know, and vice versa, you know?
	So I know I just wouldn't change it.
	You know, I was a little depressed earlier today, but, you know, yeah, I still wouldn't change anything, really.
	How about you?
	Honestly, man, every time I hang out with you, I feel lucky.
	That's what I feel like.
	I'm with Dick Sucking Fest.
	You already blew a fucking emperor, dude, for no reason.
	If all we're doing now is if we've notched down to verbal blowjob, at least we're doing better.
	But no, man, every time I'm around you, I feel lucky to be around you.
	Yeah, yeah, it's cool, man.
	And I think the world for you.
	I think we should get this is a good opportunity to force Fox.
	Yeah, fucking Fox.
	Okay, so I want to let people know.
	Theo and I, let's just talk about this real quick, okay?
	So we get a call, what, a year ago?
	Yeah.
	Theo and I separately get a call a year ago from Fox the Network.
	Fox the Network.
	Right.
	And they're like, the president of Fox, our huge Bobby Lee Theo Vaughn fan, and he would like to see both of us together on a TV show.
	And we're like, whatever.
	We don't, you know, I mean, we don't even know if it's real or not.
	But one day we have to zoom with him.
	Yeah.
	One day we got to zoom with the man.
	With the man.
	And other women, too.
	And great women.
	Nice people.
	Everybody.
	Very nice people.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, the best.
	But I remember 10 minutes before the pitch, we called each other and we're like, what are we going to?
	What's our idea?
	What's our idea?
	And we came up with it.
	We came up with two in 10 minutes.
	Yeah.
	Do you remember that?
	Yeah.
	And then we think, oh, this is not going to work.
	But we went into Zoom and we pitched it and they liked, really liked one of them.
	And they gave us a deal.
	Yeah, they gave us a deal to be detectives.
	Detectives.
	And we, but the deal hasn't closed.
	We don't know what the fuck is going on.
	It's been eight months.
	It's been eight months.
	We want to get going on it.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	Or we'll take it somewhere else.
	Yeah, so Fox either get it or...
	Or not get it.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And I'm serious.
	We're going to fucking seal this fucking thing.
	Yeah.
	Because we don't want to do it because it's some place.
	We want to do it because we want to do something together.
	Yeah.
	You know?
	Yeah, yeah.
	We want to do something together.
	You know what I mean?
	And if a place supports us, then that's awesome.
	And we'll support them.
	I think I do feel a little unsupported that it's taken this long.
	It's not.
	This is the way these things work.
	That's why I don't do that kind of shit.
	But I would with you, though.
	Well, I mean, the whole reason why we're doing it is because we want to go to Hawaii.
	Yeah, that's true.
	So our whole thing was this.
	We're like, whatever it is, we just make it Hawaii.
	Right?
	Because I just imagine like, even if it's shitty, right?
	We're in fucking Hawaii.
	You know what I mean?
	And then you and I could pod there or whatever.
	You know what I mean?
	But like, you know, Hawaii definitely.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah.
	Two single guys in Hawaii with a TV show.
	Oh, God.
	Oh, my God.
	Crying at night in a meeting together.
	Yeah.
	Eating katsu all night and fucking, you know what I mean?
	Whoa, no cat from me.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Okay, we're not doing that.
	It's different.
	It's different.
	It sure it is, dude.
	Doesn't sound super.
	It doesn't sound super different, man.
	Yeah, dude, that shit with Brendan, though, is fucking crazy.
	That was like the worst game of Clue I'd ever seen in the world, dude.
	When you guys did that thing, it's like he had like these files and the full, and you guys had like missing people.
	There was some guy beating kids on Reddit.
	I can't even get into my Reddit.
	How do you beat kids on there?
	That was the fucking, the whole thing was unbelievable.
	The whole thing was unbelievable.
	And I was just like, you know, I don't, I don't want this shit to be fucking happening.
	But it was retarded.
	I know.
	I know.
	It was pretty retarded.
	Yeah.
	I mean, the things they were saying was like, I had, I wouldn't even know, I didn't even know what the fuck they were talking about.
	I was like, what, Reddit?
	And what's going on?
	You know what I mean?
	And they kept, you're the one.
	I'm the one.
	What?
	You know what I mean?
	I don't have a computer.
	And then it's like, I remember like, here's the funny thing.
	Brendan doesn't own a computer.
	I know, I know.
	He doesn't own a computer.
	He doesn't.
	And then I remember Delia calling me and going, Delia goes, you don't own a computer.
	And I go, I know.
	Right?
	He doesn't know that.
	Yeah.
	He thinks I'm a man.
	I don't even know how to log into anything.
	You know what I mean?
	Anyway, you know what I mean?
	And I saw him.
	I've seen him a couple times and I've been very cordial.
	You know what I mean?
	Hopefully, we can do this.
	You know what I mean?
	And get back.
	But it'll take a while, I think.
	Oh, I think you guys are.
	I mean, I've never heard him have any animosity.
	I don't think he ever does.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Vernon never really does have any animosity towards anybody.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Which is crazy to think that he came from a fighting world where they had that so much animosity.
	That's something that's always interesting about him.
	But he's one of the hardest workers that I know.
	But that whole thing was just fucking absolutely retarded.
	I'm like, is everybody retarded?
	And now it's like, it was like the game of clue, though.
	It was like, somebody did it in the fucking in a mop closet with a bad server.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I didn't even know, you know.
	Yeah.
	It was also like I was at the time when they made the calls, I was on set shooting something in Oklahoma.
	It was like, it really just, the timing was really weird.
	And it's like, whenever somebody's like, you know, accused me of something I didn't do, right, it feels like traumatic almost.
	Like, because it's like the way they were talking, you know what I mean?
	It's like, you know, they were like, bully is the wrong word, but they were just really adamant about it.
	And they had a lot of feelings behind it.
	Well, they believed it.
	I don't think I think they kind of maybe still do.
	I don't know.
	Well, I don't think they was making it up.
	You think they still believe it?
	I don't know.
	I don't know.
	I feel like they still believe it.
	Bernard and I haven't really spoken about it much.
	Yeah, I try not to talk about it either.
	But I don't know, but I thought the whole thing was just hilarious.
	I mean, it was, but it was interesting, too.
	It's all, it's all like the world is just a, it's all this, it's all this crazy just drama, this play, and we're just taking different paths through it.
	It was fucking pretty cool.
	But you know what?
	I kind of, I wouldn't not change that either because it's like, you know.
	No, we've been really lucky.
	We're lucky.
	Yeah.
	We're really lucky.
	And it's funny because sometimes I used to think, man, sometimes it's like I was like, man, if I laughed more as a human, then I would be out in the crowd enjoying the show.
	Sometimes I want to be the guy in the crowd, just having a good time, but I felt like I never even could be that guy.
	So I had to be the other guy.
	Yeah, yeah.
	You're right.
	Like when I'm in a show, are you having a good time?
	Sometimes I am.
	I look at the people in the crowd and be like, oh, man, I wish I had like the patience and the just ability to sit and be just like enjoy something from someone.
	Like sometimes I don't, I struggle with that, I think.
	Or I don't know.
	Sometimes I'm envious of the people in the audience having a good time.
	Yeah.
	I definitely have to force myself into doing things because I'm trying to like become, I really want to change that about myself.
	You know what I mean?
	Because generally, I don't even show up to anything.
	I see you working on it, man.
	You've been doing a lot of podcasts.
	You're staying busy.
	You did the movie.
	You're staying a lot.
	Not only that, I've been going to like premieres and stuff.
	I've been invited to premieres.
	I've not gone to a single fucking one, bro.
	I don't want to sit there.
	I don't know what to say around the people.
	Yeah, you get nervous, bro.
	You get anxious, huh?
	I get so anxious.
	And then it's like, but what I've been doing, dude, this has been working for me, dude.
	The last two years, what I've been doing is, because usually like when I'm on a set, I go, in my head, I go, they know.
	They know I'm not talented.
	Or I go, I don't want to talk to the producers or the director because I don't want to burn any bridges.
	You know what I mean?
	Or if I feel uncomfortable, I'm not going to say, but I've done the reverse now.
	I've gone up to them.
	I go, what do you think of this?
	This is my ideas.
	I become friends with them.
	I treat them like anyone else, like a fucking comic or whatever, right?
	It's gotten so much better for me.
	Wow.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Now I feel way more relaxed.
	I feel a part of the process.
	Dude, when I did fucking Harold and Kumar, this is 20 years ago, dude.
	I had never taken an acting class, bro, right?
	And all of a sudden, I'm being flown to Toronto and I'm on set.
	And there's this, I've never seen cameras like that before.
	And I had some lines, you know what I mean?
	Some chunky things I had to say.
	And I remember I spent three days in my hotel room writing every single word down backwards and forwards so I wouldn't forget.
	And then when I was on the set, I remember I didn't talk to anybody and I was petrified.
	I couldn't breathe.
	And they would go action.
	And I would just do it.
	You know what I mean?
	And then like, I wouldn't ask, you know, is that right?
	Should I do it again?
	You know what I mean?
	I just was not even there.
	I wasn't even present.
	That's like metering sex, I feel like.
	They say action and I just do it real fast.
	Yeah.
	How long do you last?
	Oh, man.
	It'll be real.
	Oh.
	I would say probably four minutes.
	Wow.
	Is that enough?
	That's not enough.
	Four minutes?
	Maybe five, maybe five?
	What time of year is it?
	Oh, it depends.
	If it's colder out, I'll stay in there.
	Yeah.
	What you do is this, my move.
	You go, I'm about to come, I'm about to come, and you pull out.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	And you know what they call that?
	They call it edging.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, yeah.
	When you're about to come and you don't do it, so you're on the edge.
	Oh, and then what do you do?
	Then you pull out.
	You scare your neighbors.
	You pull out, right?
	And you go to the bathroom.
	You wash your face.
	You let it go down a little bit.
	And you come back for the second round.
	And what are they doing the whole time there?
	Do you put the TV on or something?
	No, but maybe have the Kindle.
	Maybe reading something.
	I don't know, you know, but like, I don't, No, but what you do is you say, you be honest, and this is yours.
	I'm about to come.
	I don't want to come yet.
	You pull out.
	You just go to the edge of the bed and just give me a second.
	And you go back in.
	And then go to round two.
	My point is that you have the opportunity to stop.
	Or is it when you're in there, you just have to keep going?
	I feel like I'm like those Thai miners or whatever that couldn't get out.
	It would be the soccer team.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	The Chilean, Chilean miners.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I mean, them boys, you got to respect them, dude.
	I know.
	Dude, they stayed in there.
	I would have died.
	You think?
	Dude, if I was at Thai soccer team and I was in a mountain, like in the fucking caverns with water and stuff, and imagine you're claustrophobic.
	Okay.
	It's dark and now what?
	I would probably take a shot.
	You'd be the leader.
	All right.
	There's no gas.
	And you tap me on the shoulder.
	There's no gas.
	Huh?
	Why is there gas?
	There's methane gas in the bottle.
	Oh, there is?
	Let's see a picture of them.
	Look at them.
	Pick out which ones we would be.
	All right, dude.
	Let's zoom in on these boys, all right?
	Yeah.
	Oh, that's you on the right.
	Zoom in on that one on the far right.
	Yeah, that's me and Down.
	Oh.
	But you know what I would be like?
	I wouldn't even be like that.
	Do you ever see Rambo 2?
	Rambo 2?
	Yes.
	Rambo 2. And remember he hid in the cliff?
	Right?
	A soldier walked by and his eyes popped out.
	You thought he was a part of the cliff.
	I would be like a part of the cliff.
	Okay.
	But we got to go.
	We got to get out of the cliff.
	Right.
	And I would probably undo myself.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	No, no, Theo, you undo me.
	Right.
	And you would like scratch off the sand.
	Oh, it's the sand in your.
	Okay, so you're hiding, even though it's just us down there.
	Now, I'm number 20 down over here.
	The guy that looks a little bit scared, but he's going to come through in the end.
	Right there, right there.
	You're that guy?
	Yeah, let me see him.
	Zoom in on him a little bit.
	Let's let these boys live a little.
	Gang.
	No, no, gang, no.
	No, that's us too in the back.
	Okay, let's see.
	No, so I'm back of that, those two right there.
	Ooh.
	We're holding each other, dude.
	Okay.
	Right?
	I'm the guy in the front.
	You're holding me in the back.
	Okay.
	Right?
	And then we're like, well, we're Asian, so what do we desire?
	And what pervert took this picture and probably sold it online immediately, I bet.
	What if there was a pedophile that went down there?
	Dude, I used to work at a summer camp.
	This man would take pictures of us every day, right?
	I got a new job as a security advisor or whatever, counselor.
	And so I'm out there with my crew of kids, five and six years old.
	We swim every day.
	This man's taking pictures.
	This guy, Mr. Bill, talking to him and stuff.
	So I go get paid on Friday, and I said, man, what is Mr. Bill, when do we get to see any of those pictures?
	And I'm like, who the fuck's Mr. Bill?
	And I'm like, the guy that's taking pictures of us at the pool every day.
	I'm like, we don't have any pictures, Mr. Bill.
	Really?
	100%.
	So you think he was jerking off to your opponent?
	We're all down there posing with the pictures and doing all that.
	Are you being real?
	Yeah, we had no idea.
	Yeah.
	Okay, so that's you and me.
	We're in the cave.
	Yeah, when do we get out?
	Well, you wake me up.
	I'm sleeping.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Hey, Tongo.
	Is that your name in it?
	Yes.
	Yeah.
	What's my name?
	Huh?
	Ramrock.
	Tongo and Ramrock?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Tongo, get up.
	Yes.
	Yeah.
	What are we going to do?
	Oh, Ramrock.
	I don't know.
	I was sleeping.
	Okay, go back.
	Right?
	And then what I would do is I would test the water.
	Okay.
	Every hour I would go, I dunk my head in to the water.
	Because what happened was they swam right.
	Right.
	And then the, and then like what a swell came in and filled all that out and they couldn't get back.
	Right.
	So I would test what happened.
	Don't tell me what happens.
	I don't know what happens.
	What do you mean?
	Don't tell me what happens with them.
	I know there's a document.
	I want to read it or whatever when we get out of here.
	But keep going.
	I don't know what the fuck happened to them.
	Okay, good.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I don't know the conclusion.
	I know they lived.
	Oh, fuck.
	Are you killing me?
	You didn't think they lived?
	Oh, you're just like my ex-girlfriend.
	She just can't not tell you what happened.
	Yeah, they live, bro.
	Dude, obviously they lived.
	Who took the fucking photo?
	Some people.
	It wasn't a pedophile.
	It was the people that rescued them.
	Oh, you think pedophiles are only above ground, dude?
	You're out of your mind.
	Oh, there's a ground pedophile?
	I think so, bro.
	They do ground work?
	I'm sure they do, man.
	There's some pedophile doing group work.
	Oh, wow.
	No, that was the rescue team.
	They took the photo, and then they're like, what's up?
	What's up?
	This guy's going to see him.
	Why is he so mad this way?
	His asthma, I think.
	But he seems like he's in a bad mood or something.
	When I came in here, he didn't smile at me or nothing.
	Maybe something said something.
	Well, I'm not a big enough guest.
	Is that what it is, bro?
	No, I was just checking the camera.
	I know, but when I came in here, in the first place, you weren't smiling or nothing.
	I'm trying to focus on the thing.
	I got cameras, got focused, make sure the audio is good.
	I just, you know, I'm excited, personally.
	Excited.
	He's focused.
	Nice.
	How long have you been working with him?
	Zach's been working here probably for two months?
	One year, but yeah, close.
	Oh, damn.
	No worries.
	My bad.
	He got bad.
	He got bad.
	But as full-time.
	Yeah, two, three months.
	Okay.
	Here we go.
	So he wasn't working.
	That's what I meant.
	That's what he meant.
	Did he go to Nashville with you?
	Grateful to have him.
	No, he does not.
	Him and Colin work here.
	You know what I want to do is I want to go to Nashville.
	You're not coming back out here, right?
	Yeah, I am.
	You're going to move back out here?
	Oh, I don't know.
	I'm going to go test out Austin for one month in January when Joe's club opens up.
	Oh, that's right.
	Should I test it out too?
	It would be fun.
	There's three stages there, four.
	Once his opens up, there's four.
	Do you want me to get an Airbnb?
	Get an Airbnb for a month, dude.
	What if you lived there for one month?
	But can we live together?
	Yeah.
	Tim Dylan has a house.
	We can rent a house.
	I'm being real.
	Do you want to?
	How do you say RBM?
	Airbnb.
	I think if it's from a black guy, it's Airbnb.
	Yeah.
	You know?
	Like Airbnb.
	It's RBNB.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	So if we got a, so we went to Austin for a month, Airbnb, right?
	We would do spots around town.
	Do shows.
	Do shows.
	And do you think that would be fun?
	I think that would be fun.
	Be cool.
	I want to do it.
	Work on material.
	Do you really?
	Yeah, I really do.
	I think not a month, maybe two weeks.
	Okay.
	But get an Airbnb with two rooms on whatever.
	Yeah, or more than two rooms.
	And one month, I'll just get it for a month.
	We'll hit up Tim Dylan and see.
	He has a house there.
	Yeah, I know he does.
	I saw my money.
	So it's nice.
	He has a cat.
	He has like a cat.
	Yeah, he's got money, dude.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Let's look at a couple news stories before Bobby gets out of here, man.
	Yeah, well, big one is we had the Kids Mullet Championships happen this weekend.
	We had a lot of people posting about this with you, Theo.
	All right.
	I kind of want to look through some of these guys if you want to.
	Since Bobby stole my style a while back.
	So we'll scan through some.
	I know who won, but we'll scan through some.
	Well, can we judge of who won?
	Yeah, yeah.
	All right.
	So I'll go start here.
	Hell yeah, dude.
	All right.
	This one's good, dude.
	You know what I like about this one?
	Doesn't Bobby look like Ron Jeremy, though?
	I got to bring that up right now.
	If you don't play him in a biopic, Ron Yatame.
	Dude, you said that as an improv line in the movie, and everyone laughed, and it hurt my feelings.
	Did it really?
	Yeah, because he's like an old, fat, shriveled-up man.
	Now he is, but let's see him when it is.
	Dude, Ron Jeremy, 28 years old.
	He's still not.
	He looks like Machete.
	Yep.
	Okay, can you find a decent-looking picture on now?
	There we go.
	There we go.
	Get that fucking.
	So you think I look like that right now?
	God, yeah.
	All right, good.
	I can take that.
	God, yeah.
	All right, dude.
	I can imagine that stanger you got in your pants, boy.
	Yeah, yeah.
	I mean, you got something.
	The cop asked for your ID, just break that thing out.
	God, he's in so much trouble right now, though.
	Bro, every pitcher he's in, he's like just...
	How sad it is?
	Look at the prison shots.
	Really?
	Like, the court shots.
	Ron Jeremy in court.
	Oh, where does he do in court at Hannibal Lecter's house?
	I know.
	Dude, bro.
	What?
	That's his life in prison.
	Oh.
	Man, that's what you get for 10,000 pussy.
	Oh.
	That's the price of 10,000 pussy.
	It is, huh?
	Yeah, yeah.
	The price of 10,000 pussies.
	What a great documentary name.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	The price of 10,000 pussy, and that's what you get.
	You can't have that much.
	I feel like when a man gets too much, the universe just goes, you get monkeypox.
	You know, they do something.
	We'll see you.
	Yeah, we'll see you.
	Yeah.
	That's true.
	That's a good question.
	You got to be moderated, dude.
	You know what I mean?
	I take what I need and I don't take more.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	So that's.
	All right, go ahead.
	Let's go.
	I agree.
	Last time I gave a guy back some of the money he paid me to do a set.
	Yeah.
	I said, do you like this one or what?
	I think Brock is coming in hot here.
	I think it's kind of a basic, kind of thicker white.
	Look at the side, dude.
	Three lines.
	That fisherman's son.
	Look.
	Look at the four lines on the side.
	What does that mean?
	I don't know, but it's like if he did that himself, he's talented.
	I'm sure his mother did it.
	Oh, here we go.
	Ooh, Callan.
	He's got some accusations against him, but great guy, though.
	Also, his hair's receding at that age, dude.
	I don't know, bro.
	Look, which makes it even more likely that this is Brian Callan.
	Yeah.
	No, I think that he's a beautiful kid, though.
	Oh, here we go, dude.
	Dude, that's my son.
	I would love that.
	Would you want that?
	Oh, dude, that'd be great.
	I would lift this kid up.
	I'd throw him so fucking high in the air, he'd never come down.
	Or I'd just give him tasks, like, go get the squirrels.
	Yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	Okay, Papa.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	And you'll go bring like three or four squirrels.
	We'll boil them.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, dude.
	I love that.
	Oh, catching.
	Now, this dude, Destiny, you could tell he's got something in him.
	Yeah, he's got something in him, dude.
	You know, he's young, but I bet.
	Hold on, hold on, man.
	Yeah, let's go back to fucking.
	Jesus Christ.
	He's like, you could see in his eyes.
	Look at him.
	Yeah.
	You could see he fucking means business.
	And when he gets older, it's straight teeth.
	Oh, it looks like he took some Of his teeth out just because he wanted to.
	He is a gangster, boy.
	Let's see somebody else.
	He's out of Lawton.
	Eli.
	Oh, shit.
	Okay.
	Jewish guy showing up out of Hogensburg, New York.
	You think he's Jewish too?
	100%.
	Italian, I would say.
	Actually, I think he, you know, who he looks like is the guy.
	Man, my brain's been so bad.
	No, you know, I know what you, you know, to me, you know what she looks like?
	What's that woman that was like, oh, like she did the, she was a madame for the prostitutes?
	Elaine Maxwell.
	No, Fleisch.
	No.
	Heidi Fleisch.
	Heidi Fleis.
	Wow, Heidi Fleisch.
	That looks like a young Heidi Fleis.
	Ooh, I like that.
	I like that.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Looking up Heidi Flice.
	See?
	Heidi Fleisch.
	Yeah, he does have Heidi Fleis vibes.
	Yeah, Heidi Fleis vibes, bro.
	And also, he looks like, who is the famous podcaster that we've all been on his show?
	Adam Corolla on the left.
	It looks like Adam Corolla.
	Adam Corolla, dude.
	Yeah.
	I can't remember.
	He likes Mexicans in that fucking photo.
	Does he?
	I don't think Adam likes Mexicans.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	I want to be Mexican.
	Go on.
	Please, brother.
	Oh, Emmett.
	Oh, Oliver Tree.
	Oh, yeah.
	A young Oliver Tree.
	Dude, he took that straight out of that O-tree, boy.
	Oh, yeah, dude.
	What's up, Ollie?
	Dude, O-Town or O-Tree?
	Pick one.
	What?
	O-Town?
	O-Town, bro.
	I don't know what that fucking means.
	The band, O-Town?
	I never heard of it.
	All right, bring up the next one.
	Emma's good, though.
	Emmett's good.
	Out of Carthage, huh?
	Yeah.
	Whoa.
	Another Emmett.
	Tim Dylan, dude.
	Oh, yeah.
	A baby Tim Dylan.
	Oh, this dude will suck.
	Start a skateboard right here, this little buddy.
	Yeah.
	Out of Menanone, Wisconsin, boy.
	He's going to turn out to be a promoter.
	Yeah, dude.
	Ryan Monarch.
	Oh, he's going to promote a damn honey bun into his pocket, I bet, if he's smart.
	I like it.
	Good luck, Emmett.
	Epic.
	Epic, dude.
	What a cool name, too.
	Out of La Joya, Texas, yeah.
	Now, this almost seems, I worry, Epic might be one of those kids because it's that he goes on to really live this lifestyle.
	He gets a motorbike next year.
	Right.
	It gets intense, and he just, you know, it's a lot of pressure, and he could end up on drugs.
	Yeah.
	Good luck, bud.
	Good luck, Epic.
	All right, let's see two more and then we'll pick a winner here.
	Yeah.
	Oh, look at the tongue, dude.
	Jack is cute.
	I don't like the tongue.
	Don't look at the tongue, dude.
	That's weird.
	Yeah.
	It looks like I was a photographer.
	I was like, can you do one without a tongue?
	I mean, you're a kid.
	Why didn't the photographer go, we'll choose another one?
	You know what I mean?
	Okay, yeah, let's move on.
	Let's move on, dude.
	Just to stay legit over here.
	Oh, wow.
	And he almost looks honestly like he doesn't want to be doing this.
	Yeah, like he was forced to get the haircut.
	Yep.
	Yeah.
	So I'm going to vote no one, Jameson, just because they did this to him.
	Like he won't even look at the can, you can tell.
	Or maybe it's like the second photo could be like, why'd you take the sunglasses off me?
	Oh.
	A little bit.
	But look at the mouth on the first one.
	And I'm not looking at it.
	Don't look at the mouth.
	Never mind.
	Move along.
	Man, that shit is bad, dude.
	Oh, this guy's like fucking 40. You can't have a 40-year-old in there, dude.
	Yeah, but yeah, and let's still, dude, we all know this guy's Scottish and not American.
	Yeah, yeah.
	This dude definitely looks like one of the characters.
	That's William Wallace, bro.
	That's fucking straight up Braveheart, dude.
	This guy looks like one of the characters in the newsies.
	Let's keep it moving.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Let's keep it moving.
	Oh, Leva.
	Yeah.
	This dude will sell you some fucking land in his bedroom, bro.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Yeah.
	Lincoln.
	I'm out on Lincoln.
	Yeah.
	He seems like he took it in the sun, too.
	This almost seems like things aren't going to work out.
	Well.
	Latino, huh?
	You think it's Latino?
	Masson?
	I don't know, dude.
	Really?
	Fremont?
	Yeah.
	This dude definitely's huddling.
	Just tug the back of that head.
	He knows somebody that's picked a damn strawberry.
	I'll tell you that, bro.
	Beautiful guy, Masson.
	Actually, looks like my mother a little bit.
	Beautiful.
	Onward?
	How many are there?
	There's so many others.
	There's more.
	I can tell you the winner if you want.
	You want to know the winner?
	Bring up my favorite one.
	Emmett, the other Emmett.
	Oh, no, the other.
	What was the other one?
	Parkinson's or whatever his name is.
	What's his name?
	We have Rustin, Emmett, and Bailey.
	Rustin.
	Bring up the little guy like the first one I told you if you don't mind.
	Right there in the middle on the bottom.
	Rustin.
	Nope.
	Right there.
	Bam.
	That's a good one, dude.
	This little fish.
	We never even saw that one.
	This Tater Hunter right here, little Rustin.
	Yeah, that's a good one, dude.
	From Pocahontas, Arkansas.
	And look at him doing work right there.
	He's already working, dude.
	I love it.
	Changing attire, dude, on his house.
	That looks like a meth lab.
	All right, who do you think won?
	Dude, I mean, I'm going to go with the Oliver Tree hair.
	Wow.
	With the fucking cut?
	Bolt cut?
	I like that.
	That is a very country cut, too.
	You can tell that his mother did that cut.
	Go in on that.
	It's Emmett on the second row in the middle.
	Zoom in on him on the left side of his haircut.
	It's clean.
	Yeah, it's clean and dirty at the same time.
	You can tell somebody did that at his house with scissors.
	I've had that cut.
	Yeah, yeah.
	That's a good cut.
	That bangs, the bangs.
	You can tell.
	I'm going to go back out.
	I'm going to go with my boy...
	I'm going to roll with...
	Oh, that's cute.
	Yeah, he's cute.
	Dude, you picked the phone with the tongue, bro?
	I just wanted to make it up to him by being nice.
	I just feel like I don't know what's going on.
	Okay.
	What happened, brother?
	So is the champion this year?
	Champion was Emmett.
	Damn, dude.
	Emmett, that's his daddy right there?
	Nope, that's just a guy.
	Okay, so some random guy, bro.
	This guy's up to no good.
	Let's see that guy's video real quick.
	Damn.
	Little man, mullet boy, Emmett Bailey wins the competition.
	$2,500 check.
	Hopefully he gets a lot of endorsements.
	That little shit, his hair, give me one of them swirls with that mullet.
	Whoa, yeah, buddy.
	Turn it up in the USA.
	Oh, this guy's going to jerk off in his own gas tank, I bet.
	That's that kind of pervert.
	I've been around that dude.
	They used to tell you your truck will run better if you come in.
	All right, I got one more news for what was that last thing that came up, and then we'll get Bobby on his way, man.
	We got a couple things.
	We had the one more thing.
	Okay, what was we knew one more thing?
	We had the island and the strippers, the story.
	I like the island.
	Yeah, so let me pull this up here.
	Did you read about this?
	No, I don't know anything about islands, bro.
	Miami is experimenting with a plan to move all their homeless people onto an island.
	Dude, that's a great idea, man.
	I guess it's Virginia Island, which is like off the key somewhere.
	It hasn't started yet, but they're putting it in motion.
	They're going to put them all there, I guess.
	What?
	First of all, Miami has become, there's so much wealth down there that this is the kind of thing you're going to start seeing, man.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And then people, tourists are going to, there are going to be tourist boats going out there to see them.
	I would go to that fucking island.
	Yeah.
	Like, I fuck Miami.
	I don't feel good with all the glitz, Gucci, all that shit, man.
	Let's go to the fucking homeless island, bro.
	Right.
	And get malaria or whatever.
	They could get those public diseases there.
	Oh, yellow fever, everything they have it.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	But then there's going to be probably like a gift shop or something on the island.
	You're going to be able to get a picture taken with a homeless guy.
	Right.
	Or like an Ewok statue made out of meth scabs.
	You know what I mean?
	They could make art.
	You know what I mean?
	Like folks the art.
	You know what I mean?
	You know what I mean?
	Like, you know, a tooth necklace.
	Right?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Dude, that would be cool, that gift shop.
	Dude, if we got to run a gift shop on a homeless island.
	Yeah.
	But dude, you're going to have, you know, those crap, if they don't also ship drugs out there, they are going to swim back.
	Dude, you would have to.
	You're right.
	What would you need to do to keep them happy?
	I think you'd have to put up barricades and hide drugs in the middle of the island.
	But would you helicopter?
	I would drop them in.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	Wouldn't you do that?
	I think you'd have to.
	Yeah.
	Just helicopter in what, like, you know, weed for sure.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I mean, alcohol for sure.
	Opiums.
	But how much is this going to cost?
	It sounds expensive.
	And especially they're going to stay alive for so long out there in the summer, which they should.
	They all want them to stay alive, yeah.
	But yeah, if you don't have proper program stuff out there, they're just out there on an island.
	They're going to be fucking killing each other, dude.
	It's going to be like Zelda, Breath of the Wild.
	Yeah.
	Or that movie, Escape from New York.
	You ever see that movie?
	What, you've never seen Escape from New York?
	I haven't seen that.
	And I couldn't watch the boys.
	I tried.
	I didn't like it.
	Yeah, but Escape and New York.
	Oh, God, you have to watch it.
	Can I tell you the premise real quick?
	It's much like this.
	It's basically In the Future, right?
	And Kurt Russell plays Snake Eyes.
	Okay.
	And basically In the Future, New York City is now one large prison.
	So they just built a wall around New York City.
	And everyone that's a convict and a gang member, they just live there.
	And that's it.
	They just, you know, so like when you're there, you have to survive.
	Oh, wow.
	Right?
	But I think it's going to be a lot like that, where you build a gigantic wall around the island.
	You have to ship You know what I mean To fucking food Or whatever And it's just like And Anything goes, man.
	You think it's going to be scary for those people that live there?
	I mean, if there's no clinics or fucking police or, you know what I mean?
	If they just let them run wild, they're going to open 50 to 100 tiny homes, and then they're going to have services there, they say, but they don't go into a lot of specifics.
	But there are going to be like 50 to 100 tiny homes.
	They were experimenting with this in Venice, too, if you're familiar.
	Tiny homes, yeah.
	That's a tiny home, man.
	Like the little hide and go seek or something.
	Yeah, yeah.
	I would put something like a creation juice place.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	So they get Aesai ball.
	Like, you got to do something healthy.
	Like, you know, like ginger shots.
	Right?
	I would have one, right?
	If they want to get healthy.
	Right?
	Ginger shots.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	Some homeless.
	Yeah, wheatgrass.
	Wheatgrass.
	I think you've got to have crops for them to work.
	You need to have some sort of farming system, sustainable food.
	Yeah.
	They're going to have severe sunburn and skink.
	I don't know.
	But also, I could see them filming it and putting it on some kind of closed circuit television, and we all pay for it.
	It's an extra live fee type of thing.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	You know what I'm saying?
	That's where we're headed.
	It's getting weird.
	I mean, we're literally reading an article.
	They're going to put homeless people on an island.
	Wow.
	That's how Australia got started, man.
	They put criminal people on an island.
	Yeah, that's what they did, right?
	And it's great now.
	So maybe it is for the best.
	Wow.
	You think they'll have children out there and stuff?
	Oh, dude.
	Yeah, if you don't, there's, you don't see them grow up, but they have them, you know?
	Yeah, yeah.
	All right, so we could have, but maybe this is a good idea.
	And in California, what do we do?
	Catalina?
	Yeah.
	Or the desert.
	Catalina's a fucking dump.
	Let's put them out there.
	Make it cool with that carousel or whatever.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Let's be realistic.
	It doesn't feel like you're even on an island.
	I know.
	It's so weird.
	This is like fucking Irvine, but like in front of the water.
	There's no like tropical trees.
	It's just an Irvine hill.
	It's terrible.
	Yeah, it's like a shit.
	It's a shithole.
	It's a shithole.
	It's one shitty section of a zoo.
	There's bison there.
	There's no real Native Americans.
	They charge you to get out there.
	I hate it.
	There's couples breaking up on the way there that are going for their honeymoon.
	It's fucking unbelievable.
	Fuck Catalina.
	That's what's going on.
	Well, so I'll see you tomorrow morning.
	Oh, yeah, huh?
	Yeah.
	Fuck, we got to be there early.
	7.45, man.
	Really?
	And that's every day, Monday through Friday.
	No, I'm only there three days this week.
	Yeah, what happens, you know?
	You're not.
	My guy leaves.
	My guy doesn't leave.
	I have to do it every day.
	But you get to really do.
	You shine.
	You sit on that baseball field.
	I didn't do nothing, bro.
	I had no line.
	But all the shots were hilarious.
	No, no, no.
	Oh, my God.
	Anyway.
	With this one?
	Oh, yeah, maybe.
	Dude, there were so many good ones.
	But thank you, Theo.
	I love you.
	And everyone forced Fox to pressure the show.
	I'm proud of you, man.
	I love you.
	I love you, too.
	And we're going to go to fucking Austin in January.
	All right.
	Let's try it out, bro.
	How great.
	What if we opened up Joe's Club?
	Maybe he would let us be the opener for the first week.
	Yeah.
	That'd be great.
	I'll see if he will.
	All right, bye.
	All right.
	Love you, Bobby.
	Now I'm just footing on the breeze.
	And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
	I must be cornerstone.
	Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind.
	I found I can feel it in my bones.
	But it's gonna take a little bit of time.
	Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
	The answer may shock you.
	Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
	Sometimes I won't.
	And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
	You have three new voice messages.
	A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
	I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
	So great.
	Hi, Sweetheart.
	Easy deal.
	Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
	John Main.
	Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
	I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
	Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

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