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Aug. 30, 2022 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
01:47:56
E406 Nick Swardson

Nick Swardson is a stand-up comedian, actor, and screenwriter who is currently on the “Make Joke From Face" Tour. Tickets available at http://nickswardson.net/events/ Nick Swardson joins This Past Weekend for the third time to talk about shoplifting, writing movies, getting spanked as kids, and his near-death experience. ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com Podcastville mugs and prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com ------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors.  https://www.amazon.com/stores/CELSIUS/ShopNow/page/95D581F4-E14E-4B01-91E7-6E2CA58A3C29 ShipStation: Go to https://www.shipstation.com/ to get 60 days free with code THEO. BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month at https://betterhelp.com/theo RocketMoney: Start canceling your unused subscriptions and save money at https://rocketmoney.com/theo DraftKings:  Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app NOW and use promo code THEO to get TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS in FREE bets INSTANTLY when you place a five-dollar bet on any football game! Minimum age and eligibility restrictions apply.  **If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA).   21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA(select parishes)/MI/NH/NJ/ NY/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. New customer offer void in NH/OR/ONT-CA. $200 in Free bets: New customers only. Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 wager. $200 issued as eight (8) $25 free bets. Ends 9/19/22 @ 8pm. Early Win: 1 Early Win Token issued per eligible game. Opt in req. Token expires at start of eligible game. Min moneyline bet $1. Wagering limits apply. Wagers placed on both sides of moneyline will void bet. Ends 1/8/23 @ 8pm ET. See terms at sportsbook dot draftkings dot com slash football terms. ------------------------------------------------- Music: "Shine" by Bishop Gunn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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I want to let you guys know I'll be coming to town with the Return of the Rat tour October 11th and 12th in Wichita, Kansas.
They still have tickets for the 11th at the Orpheum Theater.
October 13th, Omaha, Nebraska.
That's sold out.
And October 14th, Denver, Colorado.
Those shows, I believe, are sold out.
We're going to add some new Omaha and Denver dates.
They'll be, I think, either later this year or in the spring.
So if you weren't able to get tickets, we'll put some new ones up soon for the Return of the Rat tour.
Thank you guys for your support.
You can get your tickets at theovon.com slash T-O-U-R.
We have new be good to yourself teas in new summertime colorways like banana, salmon.
Check those out and more, Theovonstore.com.
Today's guest is hitting the road with his new make joke from face tour.
He's been here before.
He's based, he's from Minnesota.
He's that cold baby.
And he's been on Reno 911, Grandma's Boy, and he's led a real interesting life of debauchery and hilarity.
I'm excited to have him back, my friend, comedian Nick Swardson.
Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song I've been singing I'm going to stay!
Shine on me All right, what's up, dude?
What up, Nick?
What's up, get your fucking window?
We're called the effing cops, dude.
What's up, man?
What's going on?
Dude, I haven't had a drink in two months, so I've got that sober energy.
Is that true?
Yeah, I'm fucking sober Kai.
Wow.
Yeah.
So you really, so two months, no alcohol?
No, I had one drink for a celebration, but then I just stopped it at that, which is rare.
So you had a drink within the past two months?
Yeah, but it was once.
I don't count that.
What counts to you as drinking?
40 drinks at a night.
Wow.
Yeah.
Have you ever had that?
I have.
I remember one time I did a show in Miami.
And I don't know if you've ever done this, but I had one.
Oh, I've been to Miami, dude.
Well, you've been to Miami, but I had one show.
It was like a college gig.
And I fucking stayed for a month.
Damn.
I just stayed at a hotel for a month.
And my opener, Patrick Keen, super funny.
And after like two weeks, he's like, what are we doing?
And I'm like, Miami, bro.
And he goes, yeah, that's great.
I've got to go home.
Like, I have like another job and like a life.
And I'm like, oh, yeah, right.
Okay.
And then I got him a plane ticket home and I stayed another two weeks.
Just drinking.
Just drinking, just chilling.
And I remember the hotel bartender.
I'm not bragging about this, but kind of.
The hotel bartender goes, Mr. Swartzen.
And I'm like, yeah.
And he goes, you just drank a whole bottle of gray goose today.
And I go, okay.
And he goes, yeah, how you feeling?
And I'm like, I'm good, dude.
I'm like, can I get another cocktail?
And he's like, yeah, all right.
And I fucking just ripped Miami up, dude.
Gray goose.
If you drink a whole bottle of gray goose, you become an endangered species, I think, at that point.
Yeah, I think I started to get feathers on my janies.
Fucking, yeah, dude.
Shit got real.
I was waking up in an egg.
I had to like come out and shit.
It was crazy.
You've never done that?
I've done that many times where I've done a gig.
And it's always fucking Florida.
It's like when I told you this, when I told you, I went to Key West for supposed to be 10 days.
During the pandemic.
Yeah, and I was there a year and a half.
And you ran up.
I heard that you ran up a bill at the hotel there that was like astronomical.
It was insane.
I stayed at a resort on the beach for a year and a half.
And it cost, I heard a million dollars.
I don't think it was a million, but it was a lot of money.
If you tipped, did you tip?
I always tip.
I'm really good at tipping.
I think it's important.
What do you think it was?
When you say a lot of money, how much was it?
I mean, it was definitely probably half a mil for sure.
But I feel like it was more than that.
It might have been.
I kind of don't want to know because I just went into the ether of just and then just listened to live music and shit.
But how, so, because I remember a time I came and met you.
I was in some city.
You were performing there.
I was performing there.
And I came and saw you and you were day drinking at a hotel.
Yeah.
And not like at a pool party.
It was like a dark, like, it was like kind of like a dimly lit.
Is this like a bar in Star Wars or something?
Yeah.
Were there just creatures or were there people there?
I didn't see any bartender.
I do remember a hand would come up every now and then.
Oh no.
It would just conjure up a beverage.
Oh my God.
Just witch magic?
Yeah.
Or like the hand from Adam's family would just come in and fucking...
Dude, stay away from hands.
If it's just a hand, it's up to no good.
But yeah, I remember going to meet you at a hole.
You were like, yeah, come over.
We're partying everywhere.
We're hanging out.
And I got there.
I'm already there.
And I think it was football season, and it didn't even have any TVs in it.
And I was like, this is.
What?
Really?
That's weird.
That was, because I remember being like, oh, that's, because I know you're a Vikings fan.
I was like, that's weird.
And there were like cavernous things lit.
There was like torches.
It was a weird thing.
Oh, my God.
Who was I with?
Frankenstein?
What the fuck, man?
What is wrong with me?
I felt like, is this probably like a geologist thing?
It had a very Indiana Jones meet, like, I mean, I do sober living.
Right, okay.
That's interesting.
I do hunt for treasure when I'm on tour.
I do try to find treasures, so I do end up in some sketchy snake spider bars.
Did you?
So you quit, you had to quit drinking.
I had to take a timeout, yeah.
But yeah, I like pick and choose.
Like, I've gotten to the point where, like, Labor Day weekend, like holiday weekend, I'm going to drink.
Okay.
You know what I mean?
But then I won't go like bonkers because I'm going on tour this fall, starting after Labor Day.
And I remember I'm going to not drink as much as I used to because it got so, I would just get caught up with fans and going out.
And then there was one time, a couple times, there's one time I sincerely did this.
I walked out on stage in Louisville, Kentucky.
And this is genuine.
I walk out and I go, dude, not only is this my first time in Louisville, this is my first time ever performing in Louisville.
And this guy goes, no, you were here last tour.
And I'm like, yeah, I know, but not this theater.
And the guy goes, yeah, it was this theater.
And I'm like, it's great to be back in Louisville.
Good to see everybody again.
But it's because the time before that, I don't drink bourbon.
And I went out and people took me into just ripping bourbon.
And that was just one of those alcohols where it's just a switch.
It's just, bye.
Oh, yeah.
Next thing you know, you're trying to fucking just suck off your knees.
Yeah, man.
You're trying to fucking blow your knees and a possum just starts fisting you and you're like, fucking game on.
Yeah.
So, I mean, and then Chicago is one of my favorites.
I love Chicago for a minute.
And I went out until six in the morning on Division Street.
And I was in such a blackout, but I do remember like windows, you know, like when you remember just little vignettes.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Like little commercials.
Yeah.
So one of my little commercials was I went to McDonald's at six in the morning and I peed my pants and I was so hammered and I peed and then I ordered a shitload of food, like way too much on this tray.
And then I turned around and slipped in my own pee and then threw all the food all over the place.
I wiped out, panicked and ran out and then had to find my hotel.
I had just gotten in.
I had no idea what was going on.
And then I woke up, did sound check, and my tour manager was like, what does that smell?
And I go, oh, God, yeah, I pee myself.
And he was like, what the fuck?
It's a Mick Bladder, dude.
That's a fucking Mick Bladder.
I can't believe you.
Dude, I saw a guy pee actually in a, like, this is insane.
I remembered this, man.
This was growing up, dude.
We had like two.
I don't know if we had two homeless guys, bust, but we had like one gay guy and everybody like, that guy's homeless, you know, because he didn't have a wife and kids.
And he was like, they just immediately equated him to homeless.
I mean, it was like, you know, that was the times, you know, 1940?
I was just saying.
Oh, look at this homeless guy, you know?
He's perfectly dressed.
He's like, what?
No, I just don't like women.
Nope.
You're a degenerate homeless person.
Get off the streets.
He's like, I own this shop right here.
We sell flowers.
Whatever, homeless.
Whatever, that's hilarious.
But I remember this other dude had peed.
Remember they had those McDonald's have those trays, you know?
Bring up a McDonald's tray, can we?
You know what I'm talking about?
I know what you're talking about.
It was a tray.
Yeah, the brown one.
They used to have the brown one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's what I'm talking about.
Yeah.
So this guy had peed and would just get a perfect like balance.
And he would carry it?
It was a trap because whoever came in the second you touched it, the piss would come off.
Oh, I like that.
Fuck.
Why did I think of that?
So, but obviously, so it sound like, I mean, you've obviously had some issues with drinking, you know?
Yeah, I've gone up and down with that.
I mean, there's no secret there.
Yeah.
How bad did it get?
Like, what was one of the times where you're like, damn, this is.
Because it's just a sneaky thing.
I mean, half our audience, I think, probably doesn't, you know, or struggles with all kind of shit.
Yeah, for sure.
I mean, it's interesting.
I've always tried to find a balance because I never thought I was like a raging alcoholic.
Like, when I would drink, I would drink, but I never craved it.
You know what I mean?
It wasn't one of those things where, like, I'd gone to AA meetings and stuff and I would hear stories.
Like, go to an AA meeting just to hear some shit get real as fuck.
I mean, there were people that, A, would do like eight to 10 meetings a day, which is fine.
This isn't me judging anybody.
But, like, there was, there were people that couldn't walk past a bar.
There were people that couldn't even look at an empty, like people tell stories about being at a wedding and they couldn't even look at an empty champagne glass without having like a full panic attack.
Yeah.
So, I mean, I was never at that point.
I would just like get into a, you know, if I had time off, I'm like, well, I'm just going to get drunk because it's fun as shit.
Like, there's a, there's also a contingent of people that drink that do enjoy it.
Like, I didn't start fights.
I wouldn't be rude.
There wouldn't be like that when you meet somebody and they get drunk and all of a sudden they're racist now.
And you're like, oh, God.
Like, that type of shit.
I just always had fun.
Yeah.
So that was kind of the catch-22.
It's like, when you're like that, you just, you just have fun with it.
Yeah.
Dance and shit and fart.
Yeah.
That's true, man.
I guess there is.
I guess if you're, if you're having, if it makes you have fun, it's tough to like, you know, curtail it back.
Yeah.
The late Norm McDonald, who was one of my best friends, he had so many great drinking jokes, but one of them he goes, and I'm loosely paraphrasing, but he goes, yeah, my uncle's an alcoholic.
And my mom was like, yeah, your uncle's, he's got a disease, alcoholism.
It's a disease.
And Norm goes, well, as far as diseases go, that's a pretty good one.
Like, hey, Uncle Rick, what happened last night?
Well, I went out and my disease kicked in.
I ended up laughing all night and then had sex with a stranger.
Love that take on it.
Sweet Norm.
Yeah, that is a good take, man.
Yeah, I think if you can have, I think part of the alcoholism is that you don't have, you Get so down about whatever you do, you know?
It's like, yeah, totally.
Instead of just being like, oh, I had a great time, they're like, you know, you start going through all the things in your head of like, oh, this and this, and now it makes me feel, you're just too like sensitive almost, you know?
Yeah.
You have a sensitivity to not just the alcohol, but to whatever you of being out of control, I think.
Yeah, totally.
And if when you get to a point of like drinking and driving, it's fucking horrible.
Like, I don't even know how people get DUIs then with like Uber and Lyft and shit.
What's the furthest you ever drank and drove?
Being from Minnesota, it's probably...
Dang.
From L.A. Dude, I don't know how I did it.
Woke up in my car with a fucking bunch of dolphins.
I don't know what happened, man.
I mean, nothing like of length.
I mean, I have friends who have been blacked out.
We would do last call in LA and they would drive to Vegas after last call.
So that's, just so you know, that's like four hours.
But that's drugs, too, probably.
I know.
My friends, those guys, that's a funny thing, though.
Do you have like friends that casually do cocaine?
I have friends that are like nine to five or so on the weekends.
They fucking get all zippied.
And then they're back.
And then Monday, they're like, what's up, Jerry?
Yeah.
How's accounting?
Or whatever people, you know, that have jobs.
I don't know.
Yeah, I think I do probably know some people like that.
That always fascinated me.
A, are they lying?
But also, I mean, I don't know.
I can't do that shit, but I mean, I've done it, but whatever.
Yeah, that's just insane that you like go to a place and just stay there.
It's interesting.
I know, but it's like fun.
Yeah.
Or it's like, I'm not, you know, it's just, I don't know.
Why not?
Oh, it's cool.
A lot of times I feel bad that I have to leave certain places.
Like, oh, I want to get to know this place a little bit better, this town, or see what's going on, you know.
So when you tour, we both toured forever.
And you just, you live in Nashville now.
Yeah.
And I was living in Key West.
So if you could settle down at a town.
You weren't living, you stayed at a hotel.
Yeah, but I mean, probably for a year and a half.
Okay.
I mean, that's a residence.
I would say.
I knew everybody.
It got fucking crazy.
It was like Mayberry on mushrooms, dude.
When people, every day would you go to the hotel room next door and be like, hey, I'm Nick.
I'm your neighbor.
Would you say that?
Yeah.
Yeah, I knew the mailman, even though he didn't bring me mail, he would just bring me coupons and I felt like I was involved.
I knew everybody.
It was fun as shit, man.
That is nice in Key West.
Yeah, that's it.
I remember one time I was just in such a good mood and I had some cash.
I mean, somebody owed me money and they drove down from Minnesota to give me money that they owed me.
But it was cash.
It was like 10 grand in cash.
So then I just was cash happy.
You know what I mean?
So I was tipping fucking everybody.
Like my friends that play at the bars down there, I would request a song and I'd be like, hey, play this.
And they'd be like, no, we're not playing Country Road by John Denver again.
And I'm like, I know, but and I would just keep giving them.
There's three of them.
Let's fucking, come on.
What are we doing?
Take me home country fucking road, man.
But I gave, there was like some like kind of homeless, not teenagers, but just younger people kind of like, you know, just.
Oh, yeah, I know what you're talking about.
Yeah, like kind of kids or something.
Punk dudes, you know, probably in their 20s.
Like, what do you mean, like art students or something?
I would, I would, I'll say that, but I don't know.
But they were just kind of like, they were just chill.
Like they were beach homeless.
Like they were just like people that like kids that spray like dude, we had this kid named Todd drawing something.
We had this kid named Todd that drank a fucking can of spray paint, dude, which is so hard to do.
He drank like a cocktail.
drank it.
He just was like...
Oh, so he, what's that called?
Like huffing or something?
Just having to say he drank it.
Yeah, just having paint.
I mean, because he, yeah, it wasn't gas only.
He got paint.
God.
I know.
Pretty fucking cool.
That was back when people didn't give a fuck, you know?
That's really not giving a fuck.
Yeah.
I feel bad for him.
Was at least a throat color, so it didn't.
Oh, he was all, he would never really handsome anyway out of the gate, but I think that's part of his thing.
He's like, I'll just fuck.
He's like, I'm just going to paint my fucking grill.
That is awful.
You see somebody riding that can, bro, it fucking makes you hard, bro.
Why would it make you hard?
Because you know what somebody's going through when you fucking get there with them.
So how long did you guys date?
I never dated, dude.
It's just, that's no contact homosexuality.
Right.
That's just admiring, just admiration.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think that's a word.
Is this guy still with us?
Like, out of respect, I'm going to stand here and get hard for you.
Right.
It's an homage to you.
I'm not sure.
I don't know what happened to that kid.
He was always.
I don't know about no.
He took a thing again.
He did a hit of gasoline one time.
He's just fucking that kind of guy.
Did he not know about vodka?
Did anybody tell him?
Like, hey, what was his name?
Todd.
Todd?
T-O-D-D.
Yeah.
Not T-A-H-D.
That's a classic Todd move, by the way.
Some names you just affiliate with shit like that.
You're like, Todd.
Yeah, and all of his teeth didn't kind of fit in his mouth.
Something was, I don't even know what he was.
So he's like, I'm going to make him blue.
No, he just got on that can, baby.
All right.
But I'm saying people have used all kinds of drugs over the years.
Oh, dude, there was one fucking...
So the punk dudes by the beach.
So they were always like, so cool.
They were like, what up, Nick?
And so one day I'm like, just, I got a buzz.
Yeah.
And I gave them like four or five hundred bucks.
I'm like, hey, guys, you know what?
Go have fun, huh?
Yeah, but I was so dumb.
Get your mom some sandals, huh?
Yeah.
Why don't you go buy your mom some sandals and maybe throw it, throw dad a dream catcher?
Yeah.
Let's fucking go.
You guys want some sandy's?
Get some food?
No, they didn't do that.
So then the police that became friends of mine, they rolled up my friend Dave.
He's like, Nick, did you give some homeless youth a bunch of money?
And I go, yeah, man.
They're really cool.
They're really fun.
I gave him like, yeah, a couple hundred bucks.
And the guy's like, yeah, don't do that anymore.
And I go, why?
He goes, we just arrested all of them.
They just went on a crazy like bender, drug bender, and just ran around naked, I think, and like broke into a lighthouse.
I don't know what the fuck they did, but I got like reprimanded.
And I was like, right.
So they didn't spend it at, they didn't give it to the church.
Okay.
Yeah, chickets rogue, dude.
Well, that's I got that tattoo right there, rogue.
Does that say it?
Yeah, dude, did that literally show your tattoo?
It looks like a place where you go and pick out a font for like a wedding thing or something like that.
You know what I'm saying?
I was gonna marry that paint huffer.
We gotta get it.
I decided I was going to do it.
Bro, you're all Helvetic up by your elbow, dude.
That shit did stop.
Ow, fuck.
Yeah.
Jesus.
God damn it.
You do jiu-jitsu, dude.
You just lost to the fucking, the lightest black dude I've ever seen in my life.
The robot from Short Circuit.
This is his dick.
Holy shit, man.
What's going on?
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Fucking Stephen Siegel, dude.
Dude, flock of Sagals.
We were talking about Steve.
We had dinner with our friend David Spade last night.
We loved him, man.
What an adorable lawn gnome that guy is.
Yeah, you know, there's just something.
You just want to fucking just.
You just want to pick him up and just throw him into a ceiling fan.
You know what I mean?
Just happy and then ka.
Meep.
And he's out.
No, we love David.
And we were talking about him and David are developing a movie together.
Yeah, we wrote a movie.
You wrote a movie, but you're developing it.
Yeah, developing it sounds like we're just thinking about it and smoking weed.
No, it doesn't.
It sounds like you're developing something.
Really?
Like when you're developing like a development, like a building, you're developing it.
So you're not like just sitting there like a building would look cool there.
Okay.
Yeah, it's coming into fruition.
Okay.
All right, that's fair.
Thank you.
Yeah, because I read the script.
It's really funny.
It's like Joe Dirt meets Dumb and Dumber with you and David.
Yeah, it's good.
And it's like a love story.
But it's not an annoying love story.
No.
It's like a buddy story.
Yeah, it's like a buddy story, and then he's trying to get love, you know?
And what do you think about that process?
Like writing a script?
Because it's such a different muscle.
I've been a writer since I was 24. I wrote Malibu's Most Wan.
I had Bench Warmer's Grandma's Boy.
And it's really interesting, don't you think?
Because it's fucking hard as shit.
You really need discipline.
And it's hard to like...
So you've got to, it's a compromise.
I'm writing a movie right now with the director of Grandma's Boy, Nick Gusen.
And it's still hard because you want to keep funny shit, but you also are like, oh, this doesn't make any sense.
Yeah, I mean, there's like, it's hard.
First of all, it just takes a lot of time.
It's like, I have to like settle my brain from like stand-up or from like AA or from like.
Well, you have tons of shit.
I mean, you have podcasts.
You have so many things.
Right.
And you have to have enough like energy and creativity to sit there and work.
You know, just, you just go back and forth.
You put it in.
You're like, okay, this kind of works.
This works.
And then you get the whole thing done and you're like, okay, we have too many jokes.
We don't have enough reason why this guy wants this.
And you have to have a reason in a movie, you know?
Yeah, you've got to like, because the thing with Dumb and Dumber, which is one of my favorite movies, and the thing that makes it work, and I was telling Spade this last night, because I read the script, it's really funny, but I'm like, you need a little bit of like motive and heart, a little bit more, because Dumb and Dumber, there's a scene.
Corazon.
What?
Corazon.
What does that mean?
Spanish heart.
Heart.
Oh.
Heart in Spanish.
I like that.
Thank you.
Yeah.
But there's a scene in Dumb and Dumber where Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels are arguing about something in the apartment and about going to find the girl.
And Jeff Daniels goes, I'm sick and tired of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And Jim Carrey goes, you know what I'm sick and tired of?
What is it?
He goes, I'm sick and tired of being a nobody.
I'm sick and tired of eking my way through life.
And it's really sincere and really dead serious.
And most of all, I'm sick and tired of having nobody.
Doesn't that guy say that?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think that's it too.
And then you just go, oh, these guys aren't stupid.
They're real people.
And like they have feelings.
And then you go with them on that journey because you root for them.
And that's such an important scene that people don't realize makes that movie is when you really care about them.
Know what I'm saying?
We'll be right back with more from fucking Carrot Top.
Yeah, more from white.
Carrot Top.
More from White Oprah.
Yeah, it's been interesting, man.
And David has so many jokes, so he loves the jokes.
So he's like, we'll get together and we'll write.
And he'll be like, I'll leave there with like 70 more jokes in, no more storyline.
Yeah, that's the trick, dude.
You got it.
Because I've worked with David a billion times.
It's so funny.
And he always wants the joke, but you gotta get the story down and then put the jokes around.
Ow, fuck, the robot attacked me.
But just so you know, that's an insight into screenwriting and comedy writing.
Insight?
We didn't fucking tell these people anything.
Yeah, we did.
I did.
We did.
What?
What the?
Fuck you.
Was it, Zach?
I thought so.
Okay, tell us what you learned then.
Fucking mullet out of your ears.
Fucking wigorny weaver.
Dude, I will fucking do a line and fuck your cousin, dog.
Why don't my cousins have monkeypox?
Well, bring it on, dude.
Yeah, didn't you think that was a serial when it first came out?
Monkeypox, a lot of people are calling it zoo aids.
A lot of gays are calling it zoo aids.
Is that true?
Fuck yeah.
I'll adopt that term.
Yeah.
That's funny.
Zoo AIDS.
My God.
Who wants to freaking.
Dude, who wants some fucking zoo aids?
wants to huff at least.
Dude, was...
Speaking of zoo aids, go Vikings.
This is a shirt company, Minnesota on a stick.
Because everything goes on a stick there.
What did you guys just got?
Do you guys have Herschel Walker?
No, do you guys still have what is that guy who they caught putting that stuff in his trunk that one time?
Curatop.
Put stuff in his trunk?
No, Brad.
What's his name?
Y'all's quarterback.
Brad?
Oh, Brad Johnson?
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, we don't still have him.
No, I think he works at fucking PF Changs now or something.
Oh, does he really?
I think so.
I have no idea.
Dude, I saw Rufio at PF Changs.
Working?
It was dark in there.
He could have been.
He literally popped out of the wall with a freaking ponzu saw.
Fuck yeah, he did.
I remember there was some actor that got shit on in the like TMZ or something about having a waiter job in LA.
And everybody would like get really pissed off because it was like, dude, why are you shitting on somebody for just grinding?
Sometimes shit dries up and this guy needs a job.
Yeah.
I respect that.
By the way, I love PF Chengs.
When you're on the road, is there like a go-to restaurant when you're touring?
For me, if I can find a PF Changs, I'm not sponsored by them yet, but let's change that PF.
Yeah.
So, I mean, you know, do you fuck with Cheesecake Factory?
No, I don't do anything like that, dude.
I like to eat a Jimmy John.
Yep.
I like Jimmy John's.
I like to have a nap.
And then I eat spinach and maybe chicken.
Okay.
I keep it pretty the same thing every time almost.
All right.
Gets pretty boring sometimes, but sometimes we'll stop at some diners, but a lot of diners have changed over the years.
They're not the same.
Like you go in now and it's like a Greek diner where they have like breakfast, lunch, tire care.
Yeah.
You know, jean jackets.
Yeah.
It just like, yeah, like unlimited denim for dessert.
And you're like, this is insane.
Have a fucking velour buffet.
I can't digest any of this, dude.
They still have crystal Pepsi.
Yeah, my cousin has everything.
Yeah, my cousin has two pockets and a zipper stuck in his throat.
It's like, we can't even go out as a family.
You just get, they put, they do operations.
You get a zipper mouth.
It's fucking nuts, man.
Hey, good morning.
You know, you just too much, man.
Unzipping your kid's face.
Yeah, you can get an old wham t-shirt for dessert.
Yeah, it's like they've just, everything's like, it's like, I don't know, it's all like, it's hard to find some of the good mom and pop places like they used to have.
They've all changed.
A lot of them are now like a Greek and Lebanese, which is fine, but there's just not just a breakfast diner.
It's not like two eggs and a sausage, you know?
It's like, now there's like somebody in that playing a sitar in the corner.
Yeah.
And there's like casting spells.
You don't know what's going on.
Yeah.
They're selling like one of their daughters in the bathroom.
You said they're trading her up for cash.
Yeah.
You start crying spiders.
You're like, what the fuck is going on, man, dude?
Stop the music.
Jesus.
I just wanted a hash brown.
I just wanted one hash brown.
You order a hash brown and some dude named a black dude named Hash comes out there and you're like, what is everything's just changed, you know?
Yeah, it's different, man.
It's just a different world out there.
Yeah, I do like mom and pop.
That's why I like bars like that too.
You know what I mean?
That was kind of the annoying thing about the pandemic was that all the chain restaurants stayed open, but all like the indie restaurants and mom and pop places took a hit.
We should have bailed them out.
All the die bars and stuff, you know, it's like, that's what's important, I think.
Fuck.
If I can rally that.
Talking about bailouts, man, I was just seeing that.
What do you think about the Christian Bailout?
Christian Bailout?
I don't know.
I don't know why that came into my head.
Oh, you mean Henry Affordable?
You mean who was the guy that played Indiana Jones?
Carson Ford?
Carson Ford?
Who is that?
Harrison Ford?
Yeah, Harrison Ford.
Carson Ford?
That sounds, isn't it like an auto dealership?
What select?
I don't know, man.
I don't know.
You freaked me out.
Okay?
Yeah.
I did.
You fucking drank at a bar for a year and a half in Key West.
You hung out with people that drank spray paint.
Yeah, one kid.
That's enough.
I didn't hang out with them.
I grew up with a lot of people.
I drank out with millions of people.
None of them drank spray paint.
That's just insane.
But I mean, bless him.
It doesn't sound that bad.
You've had moonshine, right?
You had to have had moonshine.
I've had at least half moonshine or crescent moon.
I don't know if I've had a full fucking thing that makes your eyes natural.
No, I'm not a fucking werewolf, dude.
I'm not going to drink a full moonshine.
Oh, they have that stuff will make you wake up inside of your cousin, dude.
That's shit.
You know what I'm saying?
You'll have a family reunion and a uterus.
God.
You'll wake up with a fucking four tires on your body, you know, on bricks and a lawn.
Good lord.
Dog living in your butt.
Dude, you're fucking Brick Moranis.
Get me out of here.
What am I doing?
That's not an airbag.
That's a fucking condom filled with fucking jizz.
Good God.
No, thank you.
Dude, speaking of...
Isn't that weird with guaranteed money?
Kirk Cousins is guaranteed $80 fucking million dollars.
Don't you think that's weird?
Like, why would you even want to do good?
Oh, I think once you get that money, it's hard to want to do good.
That's what I'm saying.
because then all you want to do is stay alive.
You're like, as long as I'm alive these years, then I'm safe.
I get the money.
Yeah.
I get the lunches and the dinners.
Yeah.
Because otherwise, you're just, you're like, damn, you know, I didn't stay alive or I got hurt or whatever.
You're not going to risk it all.
No, you're not going to do anything, but you're just not.
You know, if you throw an interception, you're like, oh, well, that happened.
Yeah.
So you should lose money for interceptions.
Should lose money.
Should lose a million dollars.
You throw an interception.
Are you going to throw a fucking interception after that?
Nope.
You're not.
But you're not going to throw a pass after that.
You're going to call run every single play.
Yeah, but that's fine.
It's bad if you don't have a running back and you just hand it off and then just throw it down.
What position and what sport could you have honestly played, man?
And when you really look back at your life, you know, and what sport did you think legitimately in position you had a chance to play?
The closest, probably defensive line then.
Yep.
When I was three, I was at the top of my game.
Yep.
And then downhill, huh?
But yeah, I could still probably play for the Vikings.
No, I mean, I was an athlete up until everybody started growing.
Oh, 11. Yeah.
So like around, I was like pretty solid at baseball.
I played soccer, tennis, basketball.
And then everybody started growing.
And then I was fucking, where's that weed at?
Oh, really?
This is sports.
Yeah, there was always that kid who like didn't want to, he's like, oh, instead of just, they didn't want to admit they didn't want to play sports, like, oh, so I have to have something to do to offset that, you know, so I'll do weed, you know?
Right.
But you get to a point when everybody starts growing.
Like in middle school, then I was just like, oh, I can't.
And I thought I was great.
I did, but I was really late.
I was like the runt of the litter.
You know what I mean?
Ooh, like Charlotte's Webb.
Tricky.
Yeah, it was like Charlotte's Webb, dude.
Who was like, was that the pig?
Yeah, little Randall or whatever his name was.
What was it?
Did you bring a picture of that thing?
Was it Rick Santorin?
What was his name?
I don't know.
Dude, did you see the thing about...
You were an athlete, weren't you?
Did you play a play?
You played basketball.
Oh, you did?
I played basketball, yeah.
Do you still play?
I was good.
I could dunk at one time, man, which is kind of crazy.
Not like really good.
You could dunk a donut?
Oh, yeah.
And then I turned into a werewolf.
You could dunk that.
I mean, that's like every guy's dream or girls, sorry.
But I mean, that's like, to dunk is like the sh.
I can't even imagine that.
That's very few girls' dreams, okay?
I know, but I'm just trying to be inclusive because I'm fucking a good guy, man.
Did you see?
No, but no, but dunking, remember when they had the hoops that you could adjust and like bring down to like seven feet?
And then every killer.
The white hoops, you mean?
Yeah, basically.
Yeah.
Yeah, everybody was excited.
Somebody invented that, the white hoop or whatever.
Yeah.
Like they keep making more sports to try and make sports for white people.
You notice that?
It's like, look at this beach dunking or whatever.
And it's like fucking four and a half foot goals, you know?
Do they really?
Oh, yeah.
Or it's like, look at this.
I saw the other day, there's like a paddleball.
It's like a pickleball?
Pickleball.
Pickleball is hot right now.
Pickleball, yeah.
Pickleball is fun as shit.
Pickleball's fun as shit, but it's definitely like, hey, let's go over here and do something white before other people get over here and do it better than us.
I can see that.
I feel like it's a little old.
It's old white.
Like, I don't want to run that much.
It's like lazy.
I mean, it's still really fun.
I like pickleball, but it's.
The people I play with are young.
Are they really?
I mean, yeah.
I've played with 16-year-olds.
Where is this?
Tennessee, Venice.
Tennessee, Venice?
Tennessee, Venice, Tennessee.
Yeah, I played in Venice.
I mean, yeah, anybody can play it.
I don't know.
Yeah, so don't just say it's for old people is what I'm saying.
Well, I already did.
So fucking cancel me.
I don't know what the fuck's going on anymore.
But yeah, I mean, I don't know.
It's a fun sport, though.
Yeah, it's fun.
There's a sport I saw the other day where they are, there's, what's the thing where you hit the ball around and it spins around the post?
It was like a game back in the day.
Cucumber ball.
No.
Tether ball.
Tether ball.
There is team tether ping pong now.
Look it up.
That just sounds like somebody was on acid and made a sport.
I'm telling you, this is the kind of stuff that's going on, Nick.
Tether.
What is it?
Team Tether Ping Pong.
Can we look it up?
Dude, what about Extreme Erect Chess?
Have you played that?
Fucking naked erect.
You jump out of a plane and you got to fucking play chess.
That's huge right now in Dubuque.
Here we go, right here.
Team man.
These UFC guys, and then there's like handball ping pong.
Is that kind of what you're talking about?
Right here?
No, this isn't it.
This is.
What is that?
I mean, look, just come out of the closet if this is a thing.
I'll tell you about this.
Just play with a scrotum instead of a ball.
Yeah.
And then I'd hate your fucking chest.
Dude, the gayest thing I ever saw in my life, right?
Or rumored to be gay.
Was David Smade eating?
I remember there was, I was at a Hampton Inn, right?
I go outside.
It was one of the, when they'd done the upgrades in like 2005 or seven.
Which they were all late on those upgrades, those hotels.
I thought they did it.
For me, they seem to roll it out well.
But I remember that I went and there was three men in the hot tub playing frisbee together.
And it was like they were this far from each other.
Oh my God.
And it was just, and I don't know if they were gay men or not, but it was like, I felt like it was like they were, it was like a little Bermuda triangle where if you got in there.
You're going down.
Yeah.
You're going down.
Yeah.
There's.
Because that, I mean, to me, that is a like, that's like a thing of saying, hey, we're gay without saying we're gay.
Right.
Like, if you're throwing a frisbee in a hot tub, right?
I mean, you're not, you can.
It's a little, well, it's weird, gay or straight or anything.
It's a little weird.
Were they white people?
Yeah.
Yeah.
One of them looked kind of Hispanic or something.
Right.
Something was, you know, had happened to him.
Yeah.
But that's, yeah, that's interesting.
But that's, um, was it a cock ring?
No.
Or was it a frisbee?
It was a cockring.
If they were just passing it around and then playing horseshoes with their boners where you throw it like ring toss and you got to fucking land it.
So that would be gayer than that.
Than the other frisbee thing.
That's true.
What about us?
Oh, what about the, did you see the thing?
What was the thing with the bailout that just happened?
With the.
You're talking about student loans, pretty much.
Yes.
Did you get student loans when you were growing up?
No, I went to barely graduated high school.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, I should have gotten a loan for college.
But, I mean, I just know of it.
My brother went to college and he was fucked by student loans like forever.
I mean, I guess everybody is.
I don't really know.
So they have his bailout program go up on it and it wasn't Christian.
Do you see what's going on?
Well, it's basically just like the aftermath now of Biden saying that he's forgiving the student loans 10 grand for everyone.
It's like now basically the question is becoming, is it legal?
And people are going to challenge it in court because they're saying, you know, hey, if I paid off all my loans, what about me?
Right.
Any relief for me?
Right.
So, yeah, do you think because that's where people are upset?
It's like some people are like, well, I sent my kid to college.
I saved money to send him to college or her to college.
And now I've paid that money off.
Right.
And so if someone didn't do that and they have debt and you're just, that's where it's becoming an issue.
Right.
I mean, I can see that, but it's also, those are different situations, though.
I mean, some people might be really, there's got to be extenuating circumstances and factors of why they couldn't pay it off.
Oh, yeah, I think so.
But some people are just saying like, well, do I get compensated for money that I have?
Should there be like a legitimate claim?
Yeah, that's what it seemed like would be the solution to me is you also offer some, but then how far back does that go?
Well, that's the thing is that brings up a bigger picture.
You know, everybody can be upset about stuff like that.
I mean, some guy is 100 and like, I was the first guy at Yale.
Yeah.
And I paid off my $10 fee.
I want $10,000.
And some guy's like, I was a slave.
And they're like, you're white, buddy.
And it's like, oh, fuck.
My bad.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't know.
I don't know how to solve that.
I think just don't go to college.
I don't know.
Start a YouTube channel.
I don't know.
Whatever.
It's a new world now.
But I mean, yeah, I mean, I can see that.
Because student loans, I don't even know.
I don't even know if my brother's paid it off.
He's a fucking idiot.
Yeah, I pay.
I mean, it took me probably, I mean, I just paid Man off, I think about two years ago.
But it's a long deal for people.
So I can understand people wanting to, but then at a certain point, you're like, where does it end?
It's tough.
It's like, like, I think of it like someday there's going to be a thing where it's like, there's going to be a pill where it's like, you can live forever.
Right.
But they're going to, right?
Okay.
Say there's a pill one day you can live forever.
Okay.
But they're going to say, they're going to say, hey, it's for only 40 and under because whoever's the ruler at that point, they're like, we don't really need these old heads, you know?
Like you stop at a certain age.
You can't buy it after 60. Right.
And it's just going to be that cutoff where it's like, oh, fuck, you know, like sometimes you just have to, there just has to be the thing where it's like, oh, they get this break and I, you know, but we don't think about it like that.
Nobody wants to think like, oh, I'm happy that these people get their debt reduced.
I paid mine, you know, nobody thinks like people usually think, oh, well, they got, they get this.
I should also get this.
Right.
Which makes sense.
It's just we don't really think the other way very often.
Well, no, and nobody really wants to be happy for anybody else.
But it's like, I'm like that.
If I'm at the bar, I'm like, why do I have to pay my bar tab?
Why can't they pay for it?
Because I've spent a lot of money here and maybe I should get compensated.
Yeah.
That's what I think.
What about all the money I spent drinking deciding not to go to college?
Yeah.
All the money I could have saved and did save.
Do you regret not going to college?
No, fuck no.
Yeah, fuck that.
I mean, you know, it seems cool.
What would you have been, you think?
carpenter or something?
Like a...
I would have gone to Harvard and majored in Carpentry with a minor in PF Changs.
Damn, really?
That's possible.
Dude, I could see you being a chef somewhere.
You ever considered a chance?
I would want to be a chef.
I would also like...
I want to be a teacher.
Oh, wow.
Because I just thought that would be cool.
And it's similar to stand-up where, like, you have an audience, but you also can help them do the right thing and be good people.
You know, I mean, that was my thing is I just thought that would be fun.
You get summers off and shit.
What grade would you teach, you think?
I couldn't fucking do anything smart.
Six or under?
No, I mean, I'm fourth?
I'm not a blob of clay.
I'm just fucking.
Seven gets kind of hard.
I don't know, like nine maybe, eight?
Where they're like going, I don't know.
Nothing like I couldn't fucking teach like trigonometry or some shit or pickleball.
But dude, nine, everybody's got cum in their bag and everything at school.
Like what?
Nine is shady, dude.
Every dude that's come into your class stayed up all night freaking spanking it in his bed.
Did you go to school at Alcatraz?
No, dude.
Fuck.
My God.
I went to Human High School, dude.
I don't know where you went.
You went to grade school on Epstein Island?
I'm just telling you.
Jesus.
I didn't see it like that.
I just thought it fun.
I just thought it when I was happiest.
Dude, I grew up in the damn skeet belt, bro.
I'm just telling you.
No shit.
Ninth grade is a real skeeters play.
They were nice.
They were fucking tossing miracle whip in people's faces like a fucking silence of the lambs person.
This is skeeters parrot.
Dude, ninth grade, you were just making ski.
I mean, what else were you doing?
No, I said nine, age nine, not ninth grade.
No, I was talking about ninth grade.
Oh, no, what the fuck?
No, I said nine years old, like third grade.
Oh, dude.
Oh, not grade nine.
Oh, no.
Thank God.
This got pretty sick.
Yeah, no, not at all.
No, like fun, happy children guide them to fucking be happy.
What?
And have a nice life.
I don't know.
I just thought it would be fun to be a teacher.
Okay.
Because it's like doing standard.
You got like a crowd.
You got fun.
Like I was like the cool teachers and like the cool school bus drivers and the cool, you know what I mean?
I just thought that was fun and cool.
What about spankings?
They just, did you ever get spanked before?
Yeah, my dad used to fucking beat me.
Really?
Not like full on, but like he would take a wooden spoon and shit.
And like you learn from that.
I don't know.
Dude, they had, they just got in Missouri.
Do you see this?
Missouri School District reinstates spanking as punishment.
Where's that at, Zach?
It's Cassville School District.
Catsville.
Cassville.
Catsville, you know.
That sounds like a lot of rules don't apply there.
A lot of things are coming back in Catsville.
I don't think it's just spanking.
I think there's some witchcraft.
Can you zoom in on it a little bit so I can see a little bit more of it, man?
It's a town of 4,000 just outside of Springfield near the Arkansas border.
But yeah, so they, I guess, basically they realized that it was within the code that they could do it.
So I guess a teacher started doing it, and no one said anything.
They realized it was within the code?
Yeah, man.
Within God's code.
I want to read the Catskill code.
Sure, there's a lot of fucking topics on there.
Let me go back, Zach.
Go back, please.
But it is something that has happened on my...
They have, like, I'm sure they have other shit.
So it says down here, it's allowed.
Parents were recently notified of the policy in June, and it's allowed only as a last resort and with written permission from parents.
Oh, that's true.
The parent has to approve that the teacher.
Okay, all right.
At least there's some.
Yeah, I just hope Albert Pooh Holes isn't your freaking teacher.
That's the thing.
I remember, did you ever get spanked?
Not in school.
Really?
No.
Did you at Alcatraz?
Yeah, I got spanked two times, man.
Whipped your fucking nutsack?
Oh, dude, we had one man, this man, Spanky, what was his name?
Spanky?
No, this man named Lawton McKee.
Bring up a picture of Lawton McKee.
Where the hell were you going to find a picture of Lawton McKee?
Huh?
Lawton's kind of a cool name, though.
The web, Lawton.
Oh, so he's spelled like Law.
L-A-W?
Yeah.
Oh, I thought it was like L-A-U-G-H-T-O-N.
Like Lawton.
It's kind of fancy.
Okay, what did he do?
See if you can see a picture of him.
I can't see shit.
He's the second row over there to white guy far to the right.
Right there, yeah.
What's the deal with this guy?
This dude used to spank us, man.
That guy?
He's on the internet?
Why?
Look at my stupid.
Why?
He's a fucking legend, dude.
That guy spanked you?
Oh, that guy beat me to, he really beat me into freaking decency.
Oh, my gosh.
And they would also, if he was bad, they spank him.
He had one tooth that was rotting in his mouth.
Look like a damn up.
What?
That guy looks like...
This looks like Ken's boyfriend from Barbie.
Oh, this.
Oh, dude.
Let me zoom in on him a little.
That's not even him, dude.
Yeah, that guy's never spanked anybody.
That guy does own a leather swing set.
Go over the top left, those people hugging.
That's him.
What is that?
He had that one.
Yeah, he had one large yellow grill piece in the front.
Looked like one of those miner's lights on one of those kids that got trapped, you know?
He just had a candy corn smile.
Oh, he had that fucking smile lamp, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, the smile lamp.
He could trick-or-treat year-round, bro.
He really had that built-in, you know.
He could go into the depths of the earth and trick-or-treat.
Yeah, bro.
He could hunt octopus.
He could go to middle earth and try to find doorbells.
Yeah, he had that little glow, baby, inside of his grill.
Yeah, the glowworm.
He had a glowworm grill.
Good gosh.
Yeah, no, I never.
But he would spank us, man.
What?
He would spank you.
And he would even Because I'm just trying to remember what he would do.
He would, you know, he would have you hold onto the desk like that and he would spank your butt with that paddle.
And then they had another man named Bill Brady that used to spank me over at a different school.
Other schools joined in on hurting you?
Oh, they all let you spank when I was a child, man.
Let you get spanked.
They'll just hand you off.
Well, you were at that school.
If you were bad, you got freaking spanked.
That's back when there was a little bit of trust in the system, you know?
Okay.
So that's what this place is saying, that they're going to go back to that.
As long as the parents give permission.
They give permission.
They're all going to sign off on that, by the way.
Oh, that'd be like a heartbeat.
And then that'd be great if they had like a meter of how hard you can do it.
Like a spice level.
Yeah, give them a second.
At a restaurant.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Give them a debomb.
Give them a de-bomb.
Give them a fucking splatter, Gores.
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Yeah, did you ever get hit with a switch?
That was one thing I never.
We never did that.
That's like very witchcraft, huh?
I don't know, but that was one thing.
I remember Adrian Peterson, the running back, got busted switching his kid.
That ruined it for you guys.
Hit his Jennies or something.
Oh, really?
Yeah, it was, like, bad.
But I guess he was like, that's how...
And black kid, probably big Jenny's, easy to accidentally hit.
That's a valid point.
Valid point.
Healthy Jenny.
When you're swinging it triple the Jennies on a kid, what do you, you know, it's not, it's, you know.
Yeah, you don't haymake your Jennies, dude.
That's not what we do.
What's the, um, when do you lose your virginity, man?
Fuck.
15. Really?
Yeah.
It was pretty...
Was it cool or not?
It was all right.
It was kind of confusing, but exciting.
But also, it was like, it was on a church retreat.
Were y'all indoors or outdoors?
It was outdoors.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What about you?
Mom was outdoors as well.
Well, I was 17, you know.
It's a solid age.
And it was outdoors behind a bowling alley, actually, that just got cordoned off or whatever it's called.
Cordon Blue?
They stuffed it with bacon, you think?
No, they just shut it down.
The bowling alley?
Or your penis?
The bowling alley.
Okay.
God shut my penis down years ago.
Dude, you were filming fucking Small Lebowski?
Filming Smallville over there.
Good God.
On a church retreat?
That's crazy.
Dude, we were fucking, I mean, we were just shitty kids.
Really?
What was we doing?
Oh, my God.
We were doing drugs and we were going to church retreats.
And was God out there or not?
God was not present.
He peaced out on our trips.
We were stealing everything.
Where were you?
Fucking Minnesota.
We would go stealing cheese from each other.
We would stop.
Yeah.
Our cheese butt plugs.
No, we would pull, like stop at a store and we would fucking just.
Just loot?
I mean, just covert.
But yeah, but we were high as fuck.
I mean, we were just crazy.
Yeah.
It's terrible.
And why was the church driving y'all around?
And I didn't understand.
We were going on like a retreat to whatever we were supposed to do.
I don't remember.
Yeah.
Yeah, it was pretty.
Yeah, we went rogue.
But I mean, you know, shit.
When you're a teenager, you just, you just, there's no rules.
You're just fucking bonkers.
I remember I got caught stealing.
I stole to impress this girl one time.
This girl showed up with tits and we'd never seen them.
Right.
You know, we're like, Jesus, you know, we were looking on maps.
What is it?
You know, and she had damn tits on her, brother.
How big were they?
Oh, big as you.
I mean, you couldn't even see them all at once.
You had to kind of back up and get your buddy to look at the same.
Good God.
Maybe they was big.
So what?
You guys were in the circus?
They were big.
Now I was at YMCA.
Okay.
Summer camp.
And Mr. Brad would come out there, and he was losing his hair.
And he'd come out there and make us do like little tricks in the pool and shit, bro.
I think he was probably something was wrong with him.
Yeah.
But anyway, this girl came.
Her name was Bridget, I think.
And I think she actually died a couple years ago.
And I hate to say that, but I do believe that.
Do you believe it or it did happen?
It happened.
I don't want to say it.
I just don't want to say her life.
I don't want people going looking at her and commenting on her thing or whatever.
Her dead boobs.
Yeah, dude.
I mean, bro, they had to have a casket with two Easter baskets off to the side of it, baby.
Oh, my God.
She had them fucking lurkers, baby.
You know what I'm talking about?
They're just trying to turn into the blob and like trying to get off of her body.
Oh, bro.
I'm on the porch.
I'm going to ring them more bells, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
I like that.
She had them freaking big speakers and 22s on her, baby.
Those were the first cowbells.
Oh, yeah.
She had those.
She had some fucking buff utters.
A couple buffets, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
You got to open buff utters to fucking strip clubs.
I'll just put one of those nipples in my damn butthole, brother.
She really had those things.
Yeah.
What was that talking?
Oh, we got, but me and my buddy got busted stealing somewhere trying to impress her.
What did you steal?
I stole this hat.
It was like the dumbest hat.
It was like a sock hat, and you put it on, and it was just like this tall sock coming off your head.
Was it for her tits?
It was just to be cool, you know?
We sold her from like a Claire's boutique.
Yeah.
And I remember she saw us getting cuffed, me and this other kid.
Oh, you got full on busted.
Yeah.
They cuffed you, so you had to wait until they called the cops.
Security could cuff you.
Did you point at her tits and go, this made me do it?
No, but that would have gotten you off for sure.
You're like, was anybody working with you?
You're like, yeah.
There's two accomplices right there.
Punch and Judy.
She had them freaking, wow, boys.
She had them freaking them cowboys, you know.
Freaking moon balloons.
God damn.
Damn, brother.
Man.
You got bought.
Is that still on your record?
Can you go to Canada?
I can go to Canada.
I just don't think I can go to like the mall in Slidell, Louisiana.
We used to go camp out.
I doubt that's open.
We'd be so excited to go to the mall.
We'd go over there and camp out.
We'd get a tent.
We'd go to the mall of the day and we'd camp out at night and then go again the next day.
Did you think there was going to be a line to get in?
Were you paranoid about that?
No, it was just far to get over there.
And so it was like, you know, we drove probably 18 miles to get over there.
So we didn't want to, you know, drive back and drive back.
Right.
So what would you do immediately when the mall opened?
Just go in there.
Just go in there and just run around naked?
No, just be by the AC, be by the fountain, make wishes, go to the shoe shop, go to the, you know, poster store.
They had a big poster store in there, I remember.
I know.
You know, when posters were big?
Fuck yeah, I do.
Would you get?
I was like obsessed with just, I'm such a sports freak.
So my whole wall was athletes.
Like Steve Setzer, like old Minnesota Vikings.
It would be Vikings, and then some athletes I just thought were cool.
Like, everybody had a Bo Jackson poster, you know what I mean?
He was just, he's fucking Bo Jackson.
Oh, God.
Dude, I had, you know, all those dudes.
Yui Blab, you know what I mean?
Could you be black, you think?
Could I be black?
Like, could you handle it?
I don't, I don't know.
I don't know if I could handle it.
You couldn't?
Probably not.
But I did grow up.
I grew up in the inner city.
So I was like hip to rap music and all that shit and playing hoop and shit.
And I remember I had, I was 12 years old, 12 to 13. And I had a short dogs in the house poster.
The album was one of my favorite albums.
Too short became a buddy of mine.
But I had that poster over my bed.
And my mom was like, oh, look at that.
They're dogs.
That's fun.
It was all these dogs like just fucking chilling like Oak Town.
And she just had no idea.
And then there was another rapper named Paris.
And I had a poster of him.
It said the devil made me do it.
Bring him up.
Paris.
See what it is.
But I thought it was bad.
I mean, he's black or white.
He was black.
But my mom was like, oh, Paris.
Dude, remember, this was before they had any Mexican people.
Remember that?
Before, I think they had Mexican people.
But not in a, they didn't have a ton.
You know what I'm saying?
It used to be like the way.
Do you remember growing up?
There wasn't a lot of Mexican people around.
Like, not in Louisiana, not in Minnesota.
I mean, yeah, I mean, I don't know.
Seven Mexicans from your childhood.
Gary.
Yeah, there you go.
And Gary is a my friend Salvador, I grew up with.
Okay, that's one guy, dude.
And he's probably from, I'm not going to, I'm just going to guess, El Salvador.
I never asked him about that, I think.
I just didn't want to know.
Yeah, I'm not saying anything about it.
I'm just saying it's just interesting how pieces change over time.
Yeah, I know what you're saying.
But it was funny.
Did we see him, Paris?
Did we see him?
Yeah.
Oh, you did?
I didn't get a good look.
I'm sorry.
Oh, there he is, huh?
But yeah, posters are the shit, dude.
Like, growing up with posters, it was a big deal.
Posters were so good.
Remember when you got a poster and you put it up?
Did you put up the pins in it or you put the little yellow tack stuff behind it and tack it directly to the wall like a poor person?
I did, I think, I don't know if we had stick'ems back then, that tape that had, was sticky on both sides.
Oh, we didn't have that.
Yeah.
I think that was one summer where we were affluent.
Yeah.
And then it was fucking Tic Tac.
Downhill?
Yeah.
It's funny because I still did that.
My place now, I'm 45 years old.
And I found this poster.
It was an old James Bond poster, vintage.
It was really cool.
And I put up my living room and I hammered it in.
I didn't frame it or anything.
And my roommate was like, bro, what are you doing?
And I'm like, putting up this poster.
And he goes, what are you going to frame?
I'm just like hammering it.
I'm like still that.
I just, I don't know.
I know.
Literally, so I still do this shit.
My buddy, Jason, it's open for me.
Uh-huh.
And he goes, we did the gig and I go, okay, I'll send you a check.
And he goes, what do you mean?
And I go, I'll mail you a check for the gig to pay you.
And he goes, it's Venmoi.
And I'm like, oh, right, right, right.
But I was still going to go through finding an envelope.
Oh, I remember there was something with you.
One time I had to send you some money.
You're like, yeah, just mail me a check.
I'm like, yeah, that's right.
How do I even do that?
Yeah.
It's so stupid.
Yesterday, I remember looking for stamps.
Looking for stamps.
What am I?
Fucking Opie from Andy Griffith's show.
Right.
It blew my, I picked up a pencil and I was like, no way.
It's like going back in time.
Yeah, they're little time machines.
Yeah.
Dude, imagine when they had a feather with fucking ink.
That's how they signed half of our documents and our history was just fucking and then dip it in some witch blood and then sign it.
Somebody's like, oh, look what I got you for Christmas, a package of pens.
And it's just like, oh!
Oh, do I eat this chicken?
No, you're right, right with it.
And then fuck it.
Yeah, that's how they grew up.
I'm not wrong.
Sex, dinner, and then literacy.
And then we draw a picture of a butthole.
Yeah, that's how people rolled.
Dude, did you know that no two buttholes are the same?
I did not know that.
Thank God.
That'd be weird if I was like, yeah, no, I know.
But isn't that really interesting?
I don't know how this is.
Bring that up, brother.
Where was this?
Huh?
Did you learn that from Spade?
No, man, it's the fingerprint of the gods, baby.
The B-hole, son.
How can they prove that?
That back jaw.
Why are we pulling up a picture of it?
We're not doing a picture because we'll get fined or whatever.
Who came to that conclusion?
I knew this.
It's funny.
I knew this.
Yeah, of course you did.
Can you just let's get some intel.
Can you click on something with some decent information on it?
I'm trying to find some science here.
Okay.
Oh, by the way, back to hotels.
I don't know.
We were talking about it earlier.
This is a true story about travels.
Okay.
And I remember one time I was going to Vegas, and I would go every year, 4th of July, me and my buddies, and we would get fireworks because they're illegal in Nevada.
So I was like, dude, we're always paying a lot of money to stay in Vegas, like get a nice room at Bellagio or something.
And then I'm like, dude, what are we doing?
Why don't we stay at the travel lodge?
It's like 50 bucks.
And we said, we're not even in the room.
We're in Vegas.
So they're like, yeah.
So we drive to Vegas, get in the room, check in.
Where is it?
How far from the strip is it?
It's not far.
10 minutes, maybe.
That's so far.
And so, if that, maybe five.
And then we get in the room and my buddy goes to use a bathroom.
And I put some my shit down.
And he goes, let's get the fuck out of here, man.
And I go, what do you mean?
We just got here.
And he goes, nope, tell everybody we're leaving.
And I go, we just got here, bro.
I'm tired.
And he goes, okay, go in the bathroom.
There's diarrhea on the wall.
Oh.
On the wall.
And was like a message or something?
No, I wish.
It was just confusing.
It was just like splatter.
But it wasn't like, hey, put all your money on red or something that would have been a hot tip.
Yeah.
You know, the Colts are going to win the Super Bowl.
Diarrhea.
No.
It was just diarrhea.
And then I was like, oh, that's why you don't get a cheap hotel room.
You know?
Wow.
I don't think all travel lodges are like that.
But that did happen.
So hopefully they cleaned it.
But I was, then we went to the Bellagio and I spent like $1,000 for the room.
Damn.
It would have been great if there was diarrhea on the wall in that room, too.
Dude.
But it was like a bunch of money against the wall with diarrhea.
And you had to like.
Yeah.
That would have been cool, though.
Like, take your chances, kind of.
Yeah.
Totally.
I'll tell you the craziest story that I ever heard.
Jesus.
This is the craziest story that I ever heard, right?
So that happened to somebody while touring on comedy.
So there was a man, right?
And he was a comedian, and he had another man who was an opener, the opener, right?
So after a show one night, the headliner, like this lady, like this hot chick just B lines up to him, right?
And it's like flirting with him at the bar in the lobby and blah, blah, blah.
She's like all over him.
She's like, let's go back to my place and hang out, right?
And he's like, he felt like it was almost like a little too like aggressive.
Like this almost feels weird.
Right.
So she's like, let's go back to my place and hang out.
And he's like, no, no, you know, let's just go back to my hotel.
It's not far from here.
So they go to his hotel.
They start making out in his hotel room.
And she's like, let's get out of here.
I got some drugs and stuff back at my place.
Let's go.
And it was like 40 minutes away where her place was.
So he's like, no, I'm not going to do that.
It's already like 2 a.m.
or whatever.
I'm not doing that.
So he, she like gets violent, throws a book at him in the hotel room.
Like it was a Bible or phone book, you know, the two books they have.
So then he kicks her out of the room.
When she's leaving, she stops at the opener's room, right?
Because she knew where he was, what room he was staying in.
Right.
She gets the opener up.
They leave and go out to her house, right?
Wherever it is, take a taxi out there.
She and him start making out in some room.
She's like, let me put some handcuffs on you.
So she handcuffs him to the bed.
They took some drugs or something that they had at the house.
She starts giving him a blowjob.
And then she passes out, right?
So he's like chained to the bed trying to wake this gal up, you know, this blowjobbing gal.
Right.
You know, who's on, you know, break or whatever.
You know, he's trying to wake her up.
Some headlights come across the window, right?
Right.
And like go across the wall, like somebody pulled into the driveway outside.
So now the dude is like, what the fuck, bro?
Like, what is going on?
And he hears a door open to the house.
So he's in there chained up.
The girl's just like asleep in his lap.
A guy, an adult man, walks by, walks by the front of, walks by the room.
The room door is open, the hallway, walks right by, kind of peeks in a little bit, goes in the kitchen, starts making some food, right?
The dude's chained to this bed, bro.
Oh, my God.
He's got a half of a blowjob.
He's still trying to wake the girl to get a quick rest of a blowjob or to get out of there, right?
So the guy sits in there.
He hears the man sitting in there watching television and eating.
Oh my God.
The dude comes back in a little while later, picks the girl up, takes her out of the room, carries her out of the room, right?
Then comes back into the room with the dude and asked him what was going on, right?
And the kid tried to tell him, like, you know, I just, this is what happened.
This is what happened.
And the guy finished blowjobbing the dude.
That's amazing.
Let him go, right?
Right.
And told him if he ever came back onto his property or whatever, he was going to fucking kill him.
Or if he ever caught him with his daughter or something again, he was going to kill him.
Right.
It's a happy story.
So then anyway, the kid gets to like a payphone or whatever and calls back to the hotel.
And the other convoc who kicked the girl out, got in a taxi or whatever, and came and got him.
Jesus.
That's the craziest story I ever heard.
That's crazy.
That's pretty crazy.
Wait, I got a pee so bad.
You do go pee somewhere.
Yeah, pee outside or pee in the bathroom.
Yeah, that's pretty insane.
So there was a similar thing my manager told me about his neighbor.
And they were like in their late 60s, maybe 70. And him and his wife, the neighbor and her husband were really kinky.
And she got into like a leather swing to get fucked or whatever.
And he had a heart attack while she was in the swing.
And she couldn't get out.
He had an orange neck.
And then she started screaming.
And then my manager at the time, he went over to the house.
He heard her and went in and saw her in the sling.
And they had sex.
And I go, did you fuck her?
And he was like, no.
I'm like, bullshit.
And he goes, no, I had to revive the guy.
And he didn't die.
But I'm like, he fucked her.
But I just thought that was funny, too.
She was just sitting there like fucking Brian Callan.
You know what I mean?
Just waiting to get drilled by fucking Shaw.
Just sitting there.
Fucking Shob.
Thief or Sutherland.
That's what I call him.
Dang.
No, I'm kidding.
There's a bit about Shob, like, I guess he said, people say he stole some fajita joke from me.
Did he?
I don't care.
It was just funny.
I know Brennan.
I don't care if he did, but I doubt it.
I mean, he's had fajitas.
Yeah, a lot of people have had fajitas, yeah.
But I haven't seen, I don't know if I've even seen, I haven't seen that joke.
It doesn't come to mind.
No, I mean, who fucking cares?
But no, but it is getting funny.
So watch out when you get in your leather swing.
Yeah.
Don't fucking yell for help, man.
Just die.
I remember one night, some girl wanted to have sex, and we were so high on cocaine, I just laid there like a fucking owl.
And it was just so just spinning your head around.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can't, dude.
Cocaine sucks.
I remember every time I would do it, panic attack.
Yeah.
Because I like going to sleep.
I like passing out.
I don't want to fucking be up more.
If you need a fucking zip to go like a couple more hours drinking, I guess.
But I realized why I liked cocaine was because, or why I like it.
I mean, you know, I'll always love it.
You know, it'll always be my second or fourth or third love.
Yeah.
But third is not dangerous, but okay.
Because it's faster than beer.
I don't like drink.
I don't want to like beer around about how I feel, you know?
It's like when people are like, hey, man, we should drive to Saturn.
Yeah.
Like, I'm going to fly.
Yeah.
I'll see you there.
You know what I'm saying?
But it's like, I want the thing.
I want it, whatever the feeling I want.
I want it now.
I don't want to, you know, I don't want to meander around the lit, you know.
It's too risky out there just milling around having a beer.
Yeah.
I want, yeah.
Yeah, you want to just get there.
I want the police in my fucking nutsack immediately.
Oh, wow.
All right.
You know?
But yeah, you want to, it's like a flight.
You want to get there.
Yeah, I want to get there.
You want a half-hour flight.
You don't want six hours.
You want to fucking be.
Yeah.
You want to fucking build a stadium or something.
Yeah, that's why I realized I like because it was just like, it was just faster and more effective.
That's everything else about it I hated.
Panic attacks, you know, not being able to look at people, you know, fucking sweating, driving and doing cocaine in your car when you were young.
Right.
You know, all that kind of shit.
Fucking some dude tried to trap me in a bathroom one time and was, I think, trying to be sexy or something.
And I remember that.
I would think so.
You know?
I would think that would be his motive.
But it was like drug-induced, you know, because there's a lot of drug-induced homosexuality that happens.
You know, people get high and then there's more tendency for gay.
They go dick diving.
Yeah.
Don't they?
Yep.
I mean, it seems like it's more of a popular thing in the world.
Or you can at least blame it on that.
You know what I mean?
So you can be like, dude, I drank a gallon of Molly and fucked your whole university at that party.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Professors, everything.
The mascot.
Nobody was safe.
on my fucking bone.
Do you...
What was the story you were telling me that you were going to tell me about?
The craziest drunk story?
Did you tell me it?
That was the one about the leather swing set.
Oh, yeah.
Or the leather sling or whatever it is.
I mean, it's not up there with Cockrang Frisbee hot tub.
Well, that, I guess.
That is so funny.
It's so weird.
Good God.
But yeah, I mean, anyway, I'm excited to go on tour and experience.
Yeah, so tell me about some of the tours.
So are you going to be sober on the whole tour or no?
I don't know.
I'm going to try.
I'll probably cave a couple.
There's certain cities that are, you know, when you look at a tour and you're like, oh, this town is going to be tricky to like, if I, I mean, to not drink in Chicago is hard, but I'm only there for one day, so that helps.
But to not drink in like Nashville, that's going to be tricky.
There's certain cities where San Diego is tricky.
Vegas, obviously.
That's a lot of, and how many cities are you going to?
I'm doing like 30 right now.
Okay.
NickSwartzon.net for tickets.
Are you touring this year anymore or no?
Yeah, got some shows coming up.
Where are you going?
San Diego, Denver, somewhere else.
Denver's great.
The altitude, though, goddamn it, dude.
I get fucked on the altitude every time.
If you're going to a place with altitude, drink water.
Like, I know it sounds like stupid or whatever.
Drink a lot of water before you go and when you're there.
Yeah.
Because it's, I got, I just did six shows in Denver.
They were amazing.
I love Denver.
But dude, I got sick as shit.
I was throwing up in the green room every day before the show.
I was just dreaming to it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The only reason I asked about the drinking stuff is just because I'm always curious about that kind of stuff.
I'm curious about like, you know, the effect it has on people.
How do people manage it?
Because our lifestyles are also different lifestyles.
You know, way different.
It's different than a normal lifestyle.
You know, like we usually get into this business because like, you know, we have different ways that we feel okay in the world.
And, you know, there's a lot of people in our industry that like, you know, battle with substances and stuff.
It's very normal for comedians.
It's very normal.
I just want you to know why I ask about that kind of stuff.
Yeah, of course.
No, it's a valid question.
And I've dealt with so much shit in the past.
Like I said, you know, I almost died.
Yeah.
And I didn't know this.
For people that don't know, I almost died.
I was in the hospital in Denver and I was there for three and a half weeks.
And there's people that have quadruple bypass surgeries that are in and out in four days.
And I was there for three and a half weeks.
And the doctor told me I had a 10% chance of living.
And then when I got out and I got better, they had lied to me.
I was supposed to be dead.
So my family flew in to say goodbye to me.
No.
And they told me that you have a 10% chance.
And then my sister was like, yeah, they lied that you were going to, you were supposed to die.
So that's a trip, dude.
When you experience something like that and then you come back to life, essentially, it just changes your whole fucking Stee mindset, dude.
Cause you're just like, oh, I'm like now living on borrowed time is how I see it.
So how long once that happened?
Because what you got taken, were you at a place and collapsed?
Did something like, what was it, what happened?
I flew into Denver.
I got sick at my hotel in Minneapolis.
And then I was like, whatever.
I'm used to that.
I was throwing up like bile.
Then I got on the plane, drank on the plane, threw up into my carry-on.
So then I got off the plane.
I'm like, shit.
So then I hadn't eaten or anything.
So I ate like.
Have you been, were you drinking?
I just kept drinking, but I kept vomiting.
And it was more and more painful.
And I had a pain in my stomach.
But I had a pain that was different.
It was like pain, like fire pain.
Yeah, and I kept trying to drink through it, and then I'm like, oh, this, no, something's horribly wrong.
And I went to the medic at the airport and they're like, oh, you need an ambulance.
Medic at the airport.
Well, yeah, they have like somebody.
You know what I mean?
I'm like, hey, something's wrong.
Wait, was it that express spa or whatever?
No, it wasn't like a massage chair.
I didn't sit there and like.
No, I grabbed a human at a ticket counter and I'm like, hey, something's wrong.
And the guy looked at me and he goes, oh, I needed an ambulance.
They called me an ambulance and I went to the fucking ambassador.
You got ambulanced out of the airport?
Yeah.
Where does it pick up at departures or arrivals?
I don't remember, but I think it was departures because they thought I was going to heaven.
Oh, damn.
Yeah.
Jesus was my pilot.
He was like, and did you have a beer at the airport?
I was drinking vodka and I just kept going and throwing it up.
And I'm like, okay, this is, I can't get through this.
I drank a Gatorade, threw it up.
I had a banana.
So you were puking up bile.
What's after bile?
More bile.
And then blood.
Yeah, and then blood.
So then it was blood at the hospital.
It was fucking gnarly, dude.
It was like, it was, I'll never forget.
Then I don't even remember a whole week.
They were telling me about what I was doing.
And the nurse was like, yeah, you were like throwing haymakers, trying to throw, like, you were watching wrestling on your computer.
Yeah, it was crazy.
But there's pictures of it.
There's pictures of me with like, they had to like put mittens on my hands.
You wouldn't drink?
Yeah.
No, so I wouldn't pull the IVs out.
Really?
Yeah, it was fucking bonkers.
So you went crazy.
Yeah, essentially, like, I totally lost my shit.
And the altitude was a big factor in that.
What?
Fuck no.
Dude, I love, like, you tell these crazy stories.
You're like, I drank 70 drinks.
I'm fucking.
Yeah.
You're like, but there were some Raiders fans there.
And that's kind of the thing that made things strange, man.
Yeah.
No, I drank a gallon of house paint, but, you know, there was a drizzle.
There was a drizzle outside.
Yeah, it was, yeah, it was a cloud.
It was cloudy.
Yeah, I didn't plan on that happening.
Do you think you could, because you could, if you, because you probably, I mean, at that point, you get cirrhosis.
Bad things happen to your body.
Yeah, I mean, I came really close, but I didn't.
I mean, I'm fine now.
I mean, obviously.
So did they say you can drink again or you can't drink again?
Well, it was the doctor goes, if you have another drink, you're going to die.
So I was like, well, that doesn't make sense.
But I'm like, okay.
So then I rehabbed and then got, you know, better and then got really healthy.
And then I went and got a checkup three months after and the doctor was like, oh, yeah, a different doctor back in LA.
And he's like, yeah, you're fine.
Everything's fine.
And I'm like, what?
And he goes, yeah, it's all, yeah, everything's back.
Your liver's back.
I mean, I was like, really detoxed hard.
Well, your liver can rebound.
Yeah.
I mean, you can get to a point where it can't, where I've had a handful of friends where that's happened to.
But I mean, you can push it and then you've got to really dry out.
So I did vitamins and fucking milk, fissile, everything just built back up.
And then I still waited another six months.
And then COVID hit and quarantine.
I went to Key West.
And I'm like, you know what?
I'm just going to, it doesn't make sense.
So I had a cocktail and then I was fine.
And then I drank again.
Which sounds dumb.
I'm sure people are like, oh, you're a fucking idiot.
But I didn't drink.
Like, I was drinking very rogue.
I mean, I was just boom, shots and just completely stupid.
Wow.
But now like, you know, I can have a cocktail.
I can do stuff like that.
But you do have to be really careful.
Do you think you can have a cocktail?
Yeah, I did.
I told you.
I had like a cocktail when I wrapped this movie, Buddy Games Part 2, Hard R. Yeah.
So we celebrated and I had a cocktail and it was fine.
So yeah, it is interesting, you know, with the levels of, you know, what people can do because some people can't.
They have one drink and then they wake up in a fucking prison.
I don't know.
Most of your stories sound like that, you know?
I know.
But I don't know.
I somehow made it knock on.
Oh, you're a fucking, yeah.
I mean, you're resistant.
You're like, yeah, you're like the ghost of Fudd Rucker's past.
I am, dude.
You keep going.
I'm the ghost of future chilies.
What chain restaurant is the one that's time to fucking shut it down, dude?
I don't know.
I haven't eaten anywhere in a while.
Long John Silver's?
Didn't they peace out for a while?
And then they kind of made a mini comeback?
And then people are like, no, I still have blood in my snow.
They merged, I think.
They're still out there.
Yeah, I think they merged with Boot Barn or something, something crazy.
Boot Barn.
I don't know.
I mean, at some places, I don't want to say because I don't want to get...
They're still going.
I don't see a partnership.
I'd love to see LDS versus LJS, bro.
Long John Silvers versus Long John Silver.
Latter-day Saints.
Oh, the Church of Latter-day Saints.
Yeah.
That would be a battle.
That would be a battle.
I'd love to see more battles like that.
Things are getting weird out there.
They had – what was the thing with the drivers or the – This is crazy.
What else that's going to happen?
Okay, so thefts of Kia's in Hyundai's are soaring like 800% because there's a TikTok trend, and there are no videos of it, obviously, but there is a TikTok trend where you can basically hotwire a Kia with just like touching the USB port or touching it with like an aux cable for your car, you know?
And then kids are sharing how to do it with the hashtag Kia Boys.
So it's just like, I mean, everyone with Kia or Hyundai, you gotta lock yourself up right now.
It's happening.
God.
Yeah, my friend got a Kia stolen.
That's funny.
Not funny, but like.
Oh, you can jumpstart it with an earring, dude.
What?
Yeah, it's like a huge design flaw.
You just make contact with something in there here.
I'll show you.
There's screen grabs.
Oh, that's a nightmare.
There's screen grabs of it here because they disabled the videos, but you just touch something in there and then it goes.
And they haven't fixed it yet.
It's unbelievable.
Oh, that's brutal.
If you're out there, don't fucking do that.
Good God.
Why, like, you know, why make people's lives worse?
Stealing somebody's fucking car?
They probably have family.
You know what I mean?
Kia Sophia.
Dude, Kia Sophia is also a black girl that I would.
Kia Sophia Behem was a black girl that I went to school with.
Is that true?
Yeah, so they should easily pay her for this, right?
Yeah, they owe her money now.
Yeah, that's crazy.
Also, I don't know.
I've never owned a Kia.
You ever borrow your parents' car without them knowing?
I've stolen my parents' car.
Yeah.
I crashed my dad's car.
I've crashed both my parents' cars.
Why?
What happened?
I got drunk and went to buy drugs.
I got drunk and went to buy drugs at night when I was in high school.
Now, what kind of drug are you talking about?
Weed, huh?
Weed, yeah.
Yeah.
Now when going for weed was like, we're getting some fucking weed.
Oh, it was so exciting, man.
Yeah.
My friend Chris, I would knock on his window late at night, and he'd be like, want something?
And he would give me like 20 bucks worth.
I remember I loved weed so much, I sold my dad's penny collection.
I went and cashed in those booklets?
Yeah, those books.
All the Midwestern things that your parents have.
Yeah, it's not even enough to buy weed.
I think I bought like a half of the seed.
Bring those up.
Bring up the penny collector books.
My grandmother had these.
Oh, there they are.
Yeah, because when I was a kid, he had a ton of them, too.
With an Indian head or whatever.
Yeah.
I think the rare ones I was able to cash in for more money.
I doubt that.
I doubt it.
Oh, so sad.
I know.
It's a fucking asshole.
I know.
We've all done this.
You're a kid.
Like, don't be an asshole.
I was like, I think back, I'm like, God, what did you do?
This was worth $895 right here.
We've all done this, Nick.
And what'd you do?
You borrowed the car and what?
I would drive to go buy the weed.
But my dad's, one of my mom's, I got too high and then went off a ditch.
And then my dad's, I turned into a telephone pole.
Because, you know, in the Midwest, it's like there's ice when it snows after it snows.
And then I hit an ice patch and went and then into a telephone pole.
And these guys were chasing me.
I think they were like kind of thug dudes.
Oh, yeah.
And I thought they were going to kill me.
And I crashed my car and then they pulled over and they're like, are you all right?
And I'm like, no, it's my dad's car.
I'm going to fucking die.
And they're like, all right.
And it's drove away.
Yeah.
Look, we stopped to help, but no, they were like, we're going to fuck this dude up.
But then we're like, oh, no, his dad's going to fuck him up way worse.
Yeah.
It's like, the fucking father fury.
Just Jenny's.
Just Haymaker to the Jan Jan.
It's crazy now how with that car theft, people could, when a burglar learns something, they can now put that out.
It's like, here's a way where you can.
It's like.
Why would you pay it forward?
Right, but I understand you wouldn't.
It's weird.
It's dumb.
It's not helpful to society.
But this is the kind of thing that people are just thinking like, this is how you can do it.
You know, this is how you can steal a car.
Yeah, it's crazy.
Are you on TikTok?
Yeah.
What do you do?
We're on there.
We just share stuff, experiences, and moments from the show.
Okay.
But they had another.
It's just interesting how there's like this vigilante.
There's like vigilante social media for like if you're doing something bad or something good.
They had another story with, bring up the story with the lady that followed.
You know what I'm talking about, Zach?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This was on Reddit.
This got a ton of views.
But basically, this business owner, she was robbed and found the person who did it and found him on the bus and followed them home.
This video is one minute long, so just give it a watch.
Yeah, business owner follows Thief on a bus, follow her home, confronts her ass.
So what did she steal?
Watch this.
She left and got on the bus, which my employee notified me about.
So I drove to meet the bus.
Guys, okay, so this raggedy ass bitch just came into erotic and stole from my store.
That's it.
Stole from my store.
Okay, stop.
Don't touch her.
And we're going to follow her to her house because she says she's going to pay for it there.
Right?
Yes.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
So enjoy the ride.
And we'll let you know where she lives.
Let's play a game called Look in the Thief's Purse.
Let's see what she has.
Stop.
Oh, she also took a skirt, Justin.
Did you see that?
That's the girl right there.
You raggedy bitches.
She's so close.
You're looking at me like I'm crazy and you smell for me.
Imagine the shock on a thief's face and they got it.
Don't steal from small businesses, Okie.
Okie?
It's Chinese.
Oh, okay.
But wow.
That's incredible.
Good lord.
That's what it's just, it's interesting that like we're becoming our own police.
It's like the police there almost like the secondary part of the policing.
It's like.
Well, yeah, it's just people taking it into their own hands and using social media to call people out and go like, fuck this.
Yeah, but it's like that for every, it's like just this, there's like this, it's like that for everything.
It's like that on both sides.
It's like that on if you're the criminal or if you're the victim.
You know, it's just interesting how there's like social media provides this vigilante sort of comeuppance.
Yes.
Comeuppance access.
What word am I thinking of, Zach?
Am I making any sense?
Come upence.
I mean, justice.
We're talking about, you know.
Right, it's justice and injustice, but it's either way, it's like.
Well, that's a catch-22 of social media, and that's like the extreme dichotomy of how it's like, it can be the best tool ever, or it can be a very negative tool.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
We'll be right back with more.
That's fine at it.
But yeah.
White Opras, dude.
White Opras would be the best band name.
That'd be a sweet trilogy movie.
The Black Steadmans.
What else?
Anything else in the news, Zach?
I just wanted to see if there was anything else we wanted to chat about.
I'm excited for your tour.
You're going to 30 cities.
You look honestly better than I've seen.
You look great.
We hung out last night, man.
I just feel like your energy is good.
I'm just happy for you, you know?
Thanks, man.
No, it's great.
And it's like, it's fun.
I got everything out of my system.
I mean, the thing about COVID is I just kind of evaluated my life.
And I'm like 45 years old.
Where am I going to, what's my next chapter?
You know what I mean?
I'm like I've already done a lot, you know, but I want to just do something where I don't know.
I just came to terms with a lot of shit and a lot of baggage and why I was drinking so much and like why, you know, so I drank in Key West and then just came back full throttle where I was like, okay, I came, I went home and I'm, I looked around my place and I'm like, why do I have all these shoes?
Why do I have these clothes?
I sold my Rolex.
I sold my diamond chains.
I sold everything.
I sold half my shirts, almost all my shoes.
I'm like, this is just, like, just minimalize my life where I'm just like, I just want to, you don't need that much.
So I gave it away.
I didn't, you know, I just was like, here, you know, have this.
I gave it to, you know, groups at, you know, Goodwill type places.
Rolex you gave to him?
You sold it.
Fuck no, I sold that.
Yeah.
Sold that.
We probably had a payload crossbow.
Jesus.
No, I didn't.
But yeah, I just sold it.
That sucks.
I'm like, what am I doing?
So now I just, I only, I've got a couple biking shirts, and then I have a fur coat and a speedo.
Yeah.
Because I feel like those can do both weathers.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Did you see Aaron Rodgers on Logan?
That was just interesting.
They talked about.
What did he say?
They talked about all kinds of stuff.
I can't wait to just feel the fury of football season.
My first show is Pittsburgh opening day.
I'm excited in September.
Your first show is on opening day of football?
Yeah.
On a Sunday day, which I'm so stoked because I've only been to Pittsburgh a couple times.
Where's your Sunday?
Sunday.
So I'm fired up about that.
It's going to be fucking bonkers.
It's such a great football town.
I love good football towns.
Shinley Park, dude.
Yes.
Shinley Park, the freaking Dan Kane.
I love Pittsburgh, dude.
Yeah, what is that?
Sandwich Place?
Premani Brothers?
Oh, Pramani Brothers.
Yeah, they got all kind of good stuff over there.
It's a great place.
Thick lady out.
I saw a thick chick one time catching a bus in a Jerry Olshansky jersey.
Bring up Jerry Olshansky.
Bring him up.
This is the kind of woman you want over there.
I go to Permani Brothers last time I was there and I was like, hey, can I hold the cheese?
And I had them hold, like, a bunch of stuff on it, and they looked at me.
They were excited that I was there, and then they were, like, disappointed that I...
I can't have Dairy.
You said Jerry Oshansky?
Yeah.
Olshansky?
Olshansky.
What's his name?
Dairy is his name?
It's Dairy or Jerry.
I'm allergic to Dairy.
I just said that.
For the Stillers.
Jesus Christ.
Well, no, that's Jerry.
Pittsburgh Steelers.
Is that Olsky right there?
Old Jersey is always great, too.
Huh?
Jerry Olsowski?
Yeah, there you go.
They pronounce it different.
That's Polish.
Yeah.
Beautiful.
Yeah, so I'm excited.
I'm excited for football.
It's weird when there's no football.
Yeah.
But you're a Saints fan.
Well, yeah, you know, they've played some story games over the years.
Yeah, we've had great games.
Yeah.
And then the next season, we won with Kyle Rudolph in the end zone.
We got that last minute, last second catch.
I don't know if I remember that one.
Yeah, that was a year.
I think it was a year after.
And then we still don't have a fucking Super Bowl.
God damn it.
What are the Saints at?
They have one or two?
We have one.
You don't have one yet?
No.
You don't have a Super Bowl yet?
You guys won against Brett Farr when you got the bounty gate shit.
I think you guys won that year.
But all of that, you guys have been there since the beginning.
Weren't you in the second Super Bowl?
We were in four Super Bowls in a row.
We lost.
You lost all of them?
Yeah.
We don't have a Super Bowl.
It's insane.
It's awful.
The Bills just lost their punter.
Did you see that guy?
He got accused of rape.
Yeah, I saw that.
It's crazy.
Yeah, it's crazy.
Dude, the Bills, I mean, like, there's teams that I root for.
I mean, if the Bills won, I'd be happy, you know?
Oh, yeah, I really like the Bills.
They've gone through hell in high water.
Buffalo.
Yeah.
Heartbroken.
They had the tight end Dawson Knox, his brother, passed away.
Yeah, that's awful.
Did they figure out how he died?
I don't know.
Yeah, that's terrible.
I don't know if they did.
I think he did.
It said that he died in his sleep.
Yeah, man, that just broke my heart.
Yeah, that's terrible.
And then you have to go out and play.
I know.
When you see those games where they're like, yeah, his mom just died last night.
He's got a pitch or something.
Yeah.
You're like, oh, my God.
Did you see the Mantai Teo documentary?
No.
I think you're the one that told me about it.
Yeah.
It was like the Catfish documentary.
It's unboxed.
I want to see it because I remember when it happened.
Well, yeah, they had this.
So there's, yeah, there's a guy.
He grew up playing football.
And there's a guy who turns into a woman.
And she's the one who was pretending to be this girlfriend the whole time.
It's a trans, or cross-dresser or trans.
I didn't really go into it.
Okay.
So the person who was faking him, pretending to be a girl, was actually a guy.
Is that illegal?
Turned into a girl.
Okay, so the guy became a girl.
Yeah.
Okay.
The guy became a girl and just catfished him for a long time.
And he just had really, he seemed like he just has kind of very simple Christian beliefs.
Not simple, but like, you know, basic philosophies of faith and like, obviously some gullibility, you know, but fuck, I've been catfished before.
It's very spooky.
But I mean, the story is unbelievable.
And then they kind of like champion the girl.
Like she was like coming into her own.
It's like, it doesn't even like, they're like, but it ruined this.
It like didn't ruin it.
Yeah, well, it definitely marred this guy's life.
There's a documentary about it that the guys now fucking has to deal with.
He dropped to the third round of the NFL draft and he was a Heisman candidate, remember?
Yeah, I remember that.
Yeah, no.
And at the end, they're like showing the girl dancing.
It's like, but at least I would, you know, it's like, this is how I learned to come into my own.
And it's like.
What genital trickery?
Yeah, but it's crazy that Netflix like kind of championed her like as if yeah, I mean, come on, that's not cool.
But then Teo said, you know, he's very much about forgiveness.
And it was fascinating.
It was just like, man, I'd have been way more T.O. There would have been genital warfare.
Yeah, because she pretended also then to be the brother of the girl he was dating or communicating with.
And then she's like, she called as her own brother and said that the girl was dead.
Then called back a few weeks later and said, she's back.
Yeah, she's back.
What?
So now he's into zombies or what is going on?
Booby-doo, bro.
The whole thing.
Dude, booby-doo.
Oh, it was.
Booby-dookie.
Oh.
Yeah, that's weird.
I'll check it out.
Have you ever been catfished?
By a catfish.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Fucking, but, you know, it was hot.
It was a hot fish.
Big mouth.
I was like, game on.
And it turned out it was a salmon.
Oh.
I'm like, this motherfucker.
Salmon can't be choosy, dude.
Exactly, man.
Salmo.
No, I haven't.
I'm not a big internet person.
I just think it's weird.
It happens for some people, but I don't know.
I got catfish before, man.
Yeah, of course you did.
You grew up in a fucking swamp on Alcatraz.
That's true.
Was it fried catfish or breaded?
Oh, it was blackened.
Ooh, you know what I'm saying, brother.
I know what you're saying.
I think we all do.
Did it go the distance or what did you do?
No, I ended up talking to the person on the phone when I was about to go into a Panera bread.
And I stepped out and took the call, and it was a man.
It was a black male and trying to pretend to be a woman.
And I'd been texting with this gal for a while, and then it was like, wow.
You know?
Did you guys still hit it off?
No, I was nice for a little bit because I had a couple minutes to kill anyway.
I don't even like Panera.
And I had a couple minutes to kill anyway.
And I was like, you go to Panera Bread a lot, by the way.
I don't like it.
People always are like, let's meet at Panera.
And I'm like, it's bread, dude.
It's basically like, it's like a library for fat.
You know, it's like, I don't want to go in there.
Dude, yeah.
It's like, hey, want this apple?
Want all this bread?
You want a cookie with your bread?
Want some bread with your bread, bread?
It's too much bread.
Hey, you want this hat, this bread hat?
And your fucking cousin's wearing a damn, he has a PITA vest.
Yeah, it's stupid, man.
I remember I got a bread turtleneck there.
And I was like, why did I buy this?
I would just eat around the turtleneck.
It was stupid.
There's a fucking band called bread.
I've never even heard him.
My nephew hurt his back.
They put a fucking tight baguette around his neck.
Oh, my God.
Like, Jesus.
Yeah, my dad lost his leg, and they gave him a fucking whole baguette as a peg leg.
And then birds, you know, just kept eating his leg.
It was a nightmare, dude.
We went through hell.
The whole thing's insane.
Yeah, no, it's scary.
They need to stop.
I don't know if we've covered everything.
Anything else you think we need to hit, Zach?
Any good news going on?
We hit a lot of it.
The last thing I was going to pull up, and you just mentioned this earlier about like, is it even worth going to college anymore?
Is there was a study that one in four Gen Zers plan on being an influencer.
Wow.
Oh, my God.
And shockingly enough, in this study, the men think they're more likely to be influencers than the women.
And they're relying on it more.
But do you see where the...
Right.
I was talking about this with Joe Rogan that they have, at one point, it's going to come to the fact that you're going to have like everybody's going to have like a gig economy or is going to be an influencer.
You're going to have like two Uber drivers holding each other at gunpoint to get the other person to be there fare.
You know, it's like everybody's going to be an Uber driver or everybody's going to be an influence.
Like, watch me right now.
You know, subscribe to my tits, you know?
Like, get in my, like, we're literally going to be fighting to have the other person be the consumer.
I mean, we already are, but if more actual jobs go away, you're going to have people holding, subscribe to my pussy, you know?
Right.
Yeah.
Subscribe.
Subscribe to my butthole.
It's different than everybody else's.
But I mean, how many things can you influence?
I don't even, it's such a broad term.
It's like you're an influencer.
So what is that?
You're just going to have billions of people just dancing.
And then, you know, I don't understand.
Well, that's a good point, too.
And also being an influencer, people are just on social media.
So I think that's all that this means.
I mean, Zach, in a way, that's kind of all they're saying.
It's like they could just be kind of saying that.
Yeah, I mean, they're basically just saying that, like, I guess when they're looking at their future, I think these kids are realizing that they have to grow up like monetizing themselves in apps, which is like kind of fucked up.
But yeah, I mean, we still need fucking doctors and lawyers.
Like, go to school.
Fuck.
I mean, I just couldn't do it because I didn't have the money or the grades or the brain.
Yeah.
But if you're smart, you know, fucking go to college.
I'm not shitting on college at all.
I mean, if you utilize it, and it's tricky for kids, it always has been about what do you want to do and you're 18. You're like, I don't fucking know, dude.
But I mean, hopefully, like, you can find, hopefully college can, if you're open to it, find you a path of like, you know, finding something that you want to do that can, that college can facilitate.
Yeah.
I don't know.
College just seems, it seems fun because I love college sports, watching hoop and football.
And if, like, I see the games, everybody's all fired up.
My buddy went to, my brother went to Madison and you watched Madison like, the house of pain, and they play and they all jump around.
Like, that would be fun just to go to college for that.
Oh, yeah.
I think that's one of the things.
Just only to go to football games.
That's one of the best experience, I think, over the years of traveling to do comedy is sometimes being in a city or a town where there's a good college game on that next day and you stay an extra day and you go.
And you, I remember you applied to Cracker Barrel to go to college there.
Well, I applied to their technical institute.
Right.
You know, it's where they make a lot of.
It's where they make a lot of the condiments.
Yeah.
You know?
But isn't that crazy, though, that that's, it's like i even noticed my little niece the other day got a separate channel like started her own like separate channel and it's just like well this is this is just what it's part of life it's like you have to have this other existence that means almost more than your actual existence what do you mean like metaverse shit i mean it's well your five yeah like your your your
your existence of online your personality if you right you can create a future yeah i mean you can create a life or a life that people see you they think you live you know what i mean right but that's it's like that's become it feels like if that many people are going to think that they're going to be influencers if then you're like that's going to be a big part of don't judge me as a person judge whatever this idea of me is that i'm presenting you know right but people also thought like that people guys
were going to have hair like motley crew there for the rest of their lives so i mean shit goes in and out we'll see let's see we'll see what happens did we cover a lot yeah we did bruh i think we did um nick swartson where can people uh jokes from my face tour make joke from face make joke from face and then um yeah nickswartzon.net as all my dates real nickswartson on instagram here we go right here yeah dude look at that beautiful and then it's bleeding into next year i'm adding more dates i'm at mobile alabama which i love atlanta
um vegas i'm announcing and then working on kans city st louis some other places man it's super fun man it's a fun show i love this act i'm retiring a lot of stories and it's it's fun as man so you seem really motivated yeah i'm fired up man yeah it's good good yeah so and then i got three rated art comedies coming out reno 911 christmas the binge 2 which is based on the binge movie with vince vaughan sequel and then buddy games 2 which is buddy games that we did um
that did great over quarantine so and then i'm writing this movie with goosen the director of grandma's boy and then you're developing the movie with david so we got some shit in the fucking pipeline dude trying to stay busy trying to stay alive nick swartson i love you man and i'm happy for you and i'm glad that you seem healthy and um yeah i want to come see a show dude come to a show anytime man yeah and we'll get a switch and just hammer each other each other's agenda oh dude i want on stage that's what i'm talking about dude
only uh one of a kind beehole right here you can't beat him nick swartson thanks buddy yeah bud now i'm just falling on the breeze and i feel i'm falling like these beef i must be cornerstone i'll share this piece of mind i found i can feel it in my bones but
it's gonna take ladies and gentlemen i'm jonathan kite and welcome to kite club a podcast where i'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events stand-up stories and seven ways to pleasure your partner the answer may shock you sometimes i'll interview my friends sometimes i won't and as always i'll be joined by the voices in my head you have three new voice messages a lot of people are talking about kite club i've been talking
about kite club for so long longer than anybody else so great hi sweet is it deal anyone who doesn't listen to kite club is a dodgy bloody wanker jar main i'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a mcflurry sorry sir but our ice cream machine is broken i think tom hanks just butt dialed me anyway first rule of kite club is tell everyone about kite club second rule of kite club is tell everyone
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