Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool

July 19, 2022 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

02:21:22

E401 Nikki Glaser

Nikki Glaser returns to the show for the third time, chatting with Theo about their coming-of-age stories, escort etiquette and what happens next in a post Roe v. Wade world. Nikki Glaser is a comedian, actress, podcaster and host of the show “FBoy Island”. Her new special “Good Clean Filth” is out now on HBO Max. ------------------------------------------------ New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com Podcastville mugs and prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com ------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: Click-Up: Get 15% off at https://ClickUp.com with the code THEO Ritual: Visit https://ritual.com/THEO today for 10% off your first 3 months Mint Mobile: Go to https://mintmobile.com/theo and cut your wireless bill to $15 Blue Chew: Try BlueChew FREE when you use our promo code THEO at https://bluechew.com Manscaped: Get 20% off with free shipping at https://manscaped.com with promo code: THEO Upstart: Check your rate today at https://upstart.com/theo ------------------------------------------------- Music: "Shine" by Bishop Gunn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Large

Audio Only |

Scroll

Time	Text
	You know, a lot of protein powders are not, they don't, they're not giving you what you need.
	You don't know.
	You're like, what's in it?
	Does it have everything?
	Because you don't want to have to do a protein powder and then this and a little sack of these, little jubilees or whatever, different things, little, and you got to put a little bit of this in your this and that.
	You don't want to do that.
	You want to get it all at once, and that's what ritual does.
	Ritual's essential protein is delicious plant-based protein powder with three distinct formulas designed to meet the body's changing protein needs.
	They have one for if you're, you know, you're hitting the gym.
	They have one for if you've just had a child.
	They have one for if you're getting older and you're aging and your bones are making noises at night.
	Ritual can help you by providing you with the protein formula that you need.
	Ritual even offers a money-back guarantee.
	If you're not 100% in love, send it back.
	You won't want to.
	Visit ritual.com slash theo, r-i-t-u-a-l.com slash th-h-e-o for 10 off your first three months.
	Imagine if you had an extra day every week.
	If you want that bonus day, more time to work on that novel, to cook healthy meals, or just binge some good television for yourself or with your pup or your family.
	Now it's possible with ClickUp, the productivity platform that'll save you one day a week on work, guaranteed.
	Click Up is the one tool to house all your tasks, projects, docs, goals, spreadsheets, and more.
	ClickUp is built for teams from one to 1,000 plus.
	It's packed with features and customization options that no other productivity tool has.
	So you can work the way you work best.
	Whether you're in project management, engineering, sales, marketing, or HR, ClickUp has easy to use solutions that create a more efficient work environment.
	One of my biggest issues, efficiency.
	That can change use code Theo to get 15% off ClickUp's massive unlimited plan for a year, meaning you can start reclaiming your time for under $5 a month.
	Sign up today at clickup.com and use code T-H-E-O.
	Hurry up.
	This offer ends soon.
	We have new be good to yourself teas in summertime colorways like banana, salmon, and more.
	Check them out at theovonstore.com, baby.
	Get that hitter.
	Today's guest is back for her third time.
	We've had some real moments.
	And she has a new special coming up on HBO called Good Clean Filth.
	I am, I really, I loved this conversation, and I think you're going to love it too.
	It is my friend, comedian, Miss Nikki Glaser.
	For me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind.
	Shine that light on me.
	I'll sit and tell you my stories.
	Shine on me.
	And I will find a song I've been singing just for you.
	And I'll be moving way too.
	All right, Nikki Glazer, good to see you.
	Good to see you too, Theo Vaughn.
	Yeah, being alive.
	What's going on?
	Just in town, you know, doing press, stuff like that.
	Got a special coming out.
	Oh, you do?
	Half Boy Island 2 also coming out.
	Okay, right.
	And so both of those are on Netflix?
	HBO.
	HBO Max.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	They're back to, like, I didn't plan it this way, but my special was supposed to come out in March.
	I shot it in November.
	And I don't know about you, but like, I can't watch myself ever.
	I hate looking at myself.
	So the editing process was so tedious and I put it off so much that it had to be pushed to July because I couldn't get it edited in time because I couldn't watch myself.
	I literally was like frozen.
	Have you ever felt that way about watching your stand-up?
	Yeah, I always, I mean, I feel sometimes like I don't, it's just such a tough way to capture stand-up and to try and get it right in a, like in a, or just get the exact thing you want in a night.
	Even though you get two chances, for some reason, I make the same mistakes twice and you go, why couldn't I just have done it the way I always do it?
	It's like, it's, I never, but I never listen to myself and I never watch myself after.
	That's why I like stand up, you just do it.
	And then you like, it was live.
	If anyone like calls you and like, oh, this thing you did wasn't good, you can go, well, in my head, it was good.
	There's no proof of like, you can't analyze it.
	Yeah, I get, oh, I think there's, I think there's, well, that's something that's, I felt like was always nice about everything.
	You know, like you used to never be able to analyze everything.
	It was like, you know, I think about this sometimes, like a moment used to have so much value.
	Like there's no real, like a moment feels like it doesn't have value anymore, like a real moment, because like if it's not captured, it started to feel like, hey, don't capture this.
	It used to be like, hey, don't capture this.
	This is important.
	This is like, you know, put your cameras away.
	Yeah.
	And now it's like, hey, let's not have this conversation until we get rolling.
	Yeah.
	Like we just sat in silence here.
	Like we didn't want to have any kind of any friendship.
	And no, there was like a nice greeting and then it was like, let's just save it.
	But there's something nice about that because we want to be, we want it to be genuine.
	We want people to see like what is really going on.
	Right.
	Like us, we want to save our actual energy so people can see, okay, this is when they really started talking because you and I didn't talk about it.
	I stood up.
	I gave you a hug.
	Yeah.
	You sat down and then we waited.
	Yeah.
	And then we waited.
	It's like we wait until, okay, is it.
	I did like a meditation kind of for however like it was like a minute really kind of just yeah because on the way over I was planning on doing a meditation then I get lost in my phone and so I had a couple seconds while the TVs were being set everything was set up and I just was like just focus on your breathing I did with my eyes open obviously because that would be weird but do that hard kegel baby push some freaking just tense up everything like yeah like just I don't I don't know what I did but I just centered myself and I was just like whatever happens happens and
	don't regret anything you say it happened for a reason anything you don't say it was meant to not be said all that bullshit yeah it gets scary I used to feel less scary about podcasting and then I think I started to just get in my head so much me too yeah wait why we should be more free I know because we have more people watching yeah you know I don't know what it is I think some yeah some of it probably became that some of it could have been ego for me I don't or fear you know because I think ego is really ego
	is just like fear in like a nice cape with a comb yeah you know um but what's your fear like what's your fear with podcasting if you could kind of pinpoint what's the what's the thing you have now what's your like biggest fear I always like to do that like okay what's my biggest fear okay and then what happens and then what happens oh yeah I think it's that people show all your life you know I think you want you know even if you don't realize it you're seeking as a comedian maybe you're seeking validation and
	then they show up and you're afraid they're gonna leave you know yes or they're gonna look closely and go oh wait this is not what I thought it was this is yeah yeah this guy's a perv or this guy's a you know yeah loiterer yeah a what loiterer you know just hanging out oh yeah dude I used to do a ton of loitering that was a big thing in our area because they didn't have a lot to do so those signs were directed at you because I always wondered who's just loitering like what does it even mean soliciting loitering those signs I never really
	understood we didn't solicit I admire the solicitors at least they had they were making money yeah we was out there just milling around bro just freaking feeling our penis between our legs you know or not feeling not touching it but just you know we were just out there just you know just seeing what the wind had to say you know just out there just milling around like you kind of stand in front of the post office and act like you owned it or something just bullshit yeah and no phones i mean that's what loitering no phones just staring
	into the air yes and what's yeah what did we do i i know that's like a very cliche question nowadays but what did we do when we were waiting for something well you know it's interesting because i'll notice sometimes i'll have feelings like if i go eat by myself sometimes i'll leave my phone in the car now it's like all right dude i'm just gonna see what god wants you know what i'm saying baby i'm gonna be out there you know i'm gonna be out of here in mother nature's laundromat baby you know what i'm saying with no coins you know
	i'm gonna see what could happen i could see doing that with a friend but like by yourself and what do you what do you do well here's the part that feels crazy the crazy part is when you think okay if other people look over here and i'm just thinking or looking into space i now seem like a like a crazy person yeah i seem like someone oh that guy is not that guy's not doing well that guy is just got kicked out of the church it's that kind of look you know like
	oh why would a man be eating by himself with no phone with no phone unless he was um unless he didn't know about phones or he lost someone he wasn't you know he couldn't fiscally afford to keep his phone anymore yeah and but you're nicely dressed too which is confusing as well because no phone should match a different look and that's where then i think people go oh he was with the church he got let go and he's sitting here in shame um or just got out of prison yeah maybe i don't i don't be
	hard to get a phone i i don't think i have that look no but you feel that's when i notice i'm like oh my god if i sit here what is the feeling is it a feeling that i'm missing out or that i'm no it's that that doesn't feel normal anymore no and that used to feel real normal yes you know the chinese pull this up zachary the chinese um if you take their picture they get angry at you what do you mean like just like
	a stranger no something more like do china want us taking their picture do china yeah do the chinese there we go like getting their picture taken yeah let's be realistic okay well i understand not wanting your picture taken if you don't know it i used to do that on on the subway oh that's interesting then why do chinese people take photos of everything i remember just being in china i wonder if maybe it was malaysia and
	we tried to take a picture and they said no and i remember our teachers would teach us that they don't like their pictures taken because it captures the soul who believes that picture taken captures the soul man there you go that's that's the google who believes that pictures capture the soul mayans okay that's damn kind of close to malaysian but not but do you feel like over time okay with yeah and
	the mayans who knows what they were you ever see do you ever see a picture of yourself where you don't know what's being taken and you have just a look where you're like whoa i that my soul is in that where you just have like a dead look that just a moment that captures like really what you're feeling in that moment like you just you don't know like um where it's just i think we have these things i've learned about it in some class i took once where i was paying attention and um you have flashes we as humans need to communicate and they're like microseconds long but
	it will show i could be like smiling in such a good mood and if i'm in a bad mood you for a flash you'll see my real truth of like discomfort or anger whatever it is and it's just a quick flash but it's enough to send the person that you're talking to the message without them actually knowing that you did it and sometimes those pictures catch that but mine's usually just like a dead stare just like yeah just kind of sad kind of a sadness do you get sad i mean who doesn't oh yeah i spent too much time getting sad i
	realized i realized i was getting sad and then i was uh getting stuck in my own sadness.
	You know, I was like, why am I sad?
	I was asking that too much instead of just doing things to not be sad.
	Man, I was just about to ask you, what makes you sad?
	So I don't know if you want to answer that, but like, you've given a lot of thought.
	Like, what's something that'll go trigger it and go, you know, spiral?
	You see something?
	Loneliness.
	I think probably getting older sometimes, seeing people with families, if I don't have a family, that kind of stuff sometimes will get me, you know, like, but then you really like kind of look at the, you know, and you're like, oh, that kid's going to prison in fucking seven years.
	You're like, I do not want little Jonathan, you know?
	Yes.
	Yeah.
	But I do think it's interesting how it's like almost that we like even friendships now, it's like recorded and put out.
	People, it's like, I wonder if in like 20 years, people will listen back and be like, oh, listen to these friendships on tape, you know?
	Oh, yeah.
	It'll be like, or, you know, oh, wow, let's go listen to some friendships like, or like human, like if podcasting, if it gets to the point where humans don't interact anymore.
	Oh, yeah.
	What does it sound like when they used to talk to each other?
	Yes.
	Or what is it like?
	Oh, what about a hug?
	Let's go look at some old videos of people hugging.
	You know?
	Or somebody tickling somebody.
	You know?
	Oh, my God.
	Do you like being tickled?
	I don't mind it, dude.
	But when I was growing up, they had.
	Yeah, I miss tickling.
	Tickling was such a part of childhood.
	Getting pinned down.
	I used to love doing it.
	I used to love, like, there's something about, it's the worst feeling in the world.
	And a lot of the porn, sometimes when I'm watching porn, there'll be like tickling videos.
	And I have no interest in that.
	It's not like a sexual thing, but I guess it's a whole genre of porn.
	Oh, yeah.
	The tickling stuff.
	Yeah.
	But it relates, like, just people tied up being like, like laughing girls.
	Yeah, I hate it.
	Now, what do you think you, um, what do you think you don't like about tickling?
	I mean, I used to love it as a kid because I think it was probably just like touch.
	Yeah.
	Like it was just like, I don't think I got enough as a kid.
	I really didn't.
	My mom hates when I say this on things, but I just don't think I got enough human touch.
	So I think I liked when me and my cousins or me and my sister would tickle.
	I used to love to like wrestle.
	I just wanted like to be touched and like someone trying to get me.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Tickling felt like somebody I think was going to be able to like, I think it started to feel like, when does it end?
	It's almost too much.
	Yes.
	It's too, it feels too exciting.
	There's a mix of like, it feels too exciting.
	I'm going to shit.
	I think there's a little bit of that.
	Yeah, you might like fart.
	Yeah, something like that.
	Like somebody's going to get the truth out of me.
	Oh, yeah.
	A sound or something is going to come out of me.
	Laugh.
	Why do we laugh with tickling?
	Why is that?
	It's so weird.
	I think it's that a sound's going to come out of me that I don't want someone to hear, that I didn't create.
	It's so vulnerable.
	You're just like, that's really vulnerable.
	Yeah.
	I do compare it, though, to, I always used to say that tickling was like masturbation in the sense that if someone else does it to me, I'm laughing.
	I can't, I can't control it.
	But if I do it to myself, really, I feel stupid.
	I'm just like, I see it coming.
	I think part of sex is like, or part of being turned on or is the unexpected.
	Ooh.
	You know what I mean?
	So now I don't struggle with it as much, but like I never really understood why people, how people could masturbate and not see it coming in the same way that like this doesn't do anything to me.
	But if anyone were to do this to me, I'd be like, like it would, how is that?
	Because I can predict it.
	So masturbation, I'm like, I know what's going to happen here.
	Yeah, masturbation gets kind of, masturbation really runs its course.
	You know, I met this gal one time at a library and she had, she didn't have any fingers on one of her hands.
	She had like a, I don't know what it was called.
	A nub?
	Yeah, but it was more.
	Almost like when you do crab legs and you get all the going.
	You take all the legs off the crabs and it's almost like a little, just like the hand meaty part.
	It was like that thing that Thor has now.
	I just saw it the other day.
	What is it?
	I just saw the movie though.
	That super hammer.
	Yeah, this gal had a real super hammer on her.
	And bring up Tom Dempsey, too, if you can.
	Bring him up.
	He's a famous guy.
	What does this have to do with masturbation?
	Well, so I remember I met this gal at the library and then we wanted to get together.
	Bring him up.
	There you go.
	You met a girl at the library?
	When is this video?
	This was nine years ago.
	Okay.
	I love that it's not 10. But that's Tom Dempsey right there.
	He's got that freaking hammer.
	Look at that claw hammer.
	Zoom in on that hoof, baby.
	Wait, that's crazy.
	He died, unfortunately.
	And he had a 73-yarder.
	Okay.
	Oh, no, he died at 73. So you met this girl at the library nine years ago.
	Right.
	And I remember she would like kind of like, and we got involved in sex, right?
	Yeah.
	And so she would like kind of like pick up a girl at the library?
	How do you pick up a girl anywhere and then get involved in sex?
	I really don't understand this.
	You just have a vibe?
	Did you know right away, like, this is happening?
	No, I sat down and she was kind of cute and we were talking.
	We both were in the library.
	So right there, you know, things probably weren't going great at the overall.
	I think if you're at the during, you know, at that time, you know, the library hasn't been like a real hotbed of.
	That's why I asked the timeline because I go, nine years ago, yeah.
	Even then.
	Yeah.
	It was.
	There's phones around.
	And especially even in Los Angeles, man, a lot of people, the library out here is just a lot of people.
	I mean, we saw a dude try to climb into a fucking book.
	This fucking homeless dude tried to get into one of those big atlases, you know, trying to take a vacation the long way, you know?
	But she would like play with herself, kind of.
	I remember this girl would like kind of play with herself with her.
	And she had a stump.
	With her unlimited hand, she would kind of play with herself.
	And then she would kind of, this is, she would kind of like beat this, like beat the top of her uvula, whatever it's called.
	She would like hit it with the club with the, it was almost like a dance, like treble and bass, you know, it was like she was like remixing her own puss.
	I mean, I don't know.
	I don't know what happened.
	Oh, and then I remember it was like, it was a, it did, you know, a lot of women, sometimes some women will have, it just, it had a very violent odor to her vagina.
	Oh, yeah.
	Every time she'd hit it with that hammer, it would just, I knew another like waft.
	Oh, I knew it was going to be a lot of, you know, man, my toes would just curl up and I was like, I can't be, I can't be a part of this.
	So was this something, was this a one-time thing or was it a repeat thing and you noticed that this odor was not getting remedied?
	I can't remember if it was one time or two times.
	Yeah.
	But we ended up separating.
	Right.
	Because of the odor, you think?
	It was just a lot.
	It was a lot of stuff.
	I think we didn't really get along that great and we barely even knew each other.
	We literally met at the library and then were trying to get involved sexually.
	How do you go?
	I'm not being obtuse about this.
	I really need to know how you go from library talking to like, let's go have sex.
	Did you go on a date?
	Did you go like, was it, was there just something in the air that you both knew you were going to have sex with each other?
	Like, I don't understand.
	I think we might have met for a drink.
	Okay.
	Something or a coffee.
	Okay.
	Maybe.
	And then.
	Did you ask her about what happened here?
	Like, how long before you found out?
	No, I don't like to ask about that kind of stuff.
	I usually say something like, oh, I think it's pretty cool.
	You have like a unique hand or you have a, you know, like you have a, you don't have a leg or something.
	I think that kind of stuff's kind of fascinating sometimes.
	Oh, I love it.
	Yeah.
	But I like the story behind it because I think most people don't ask them.
	And so I like to go ahead and go, what's going on there?
	But that's a scary question to like.
	Yeah, and maybe I didn't, you know, I don't know.
	But I like that you, you at least acknowledged it.
	You know, a lot of, there's a lot of wireless providers that forget how a family is made.
	They forget.
	They just, they're not thinking of that.
	They're thinking of individual users.
	But Mint Mobile is doing it differently.
	They decided to shake up the wireless industry with their brand new modern family plan.
	Each line starts at $15 a month and you only need two lines to get started.
	No matter how big or small your family is, you deserve to save on wireless service.
	For anyone who hates their phone bill, Mint Mobile, they're offering wireless for just $15 a month.
	All plans come with unlimited talk and text and high-speed data delivered on the nation's largest 5G network.
	And Mint Mobile's modern family plan lets you mix and match data plans so everyone gets the amount of data that's right for them because a baby don't need a million gigabytes, baby.
	A baby might need six gigabytes, get a breast emailed or get a milk emailed.
	To get your new wireless plan for just $15 a month, including the Modern Family Plan, go to mintmobile.com slash Theo.
	That's M-I-N-T-M-O-B-I-L-E dot com slash T-H-E-O.
	Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash Theo.
	You know, debt is something that's, it weighs on you.
	You know, you're working your job and you got your hourly pay or you got your salary and you're just thinking, man, some of this is already gone.
	I don't like that feeling.
	I don't like that.
	I don't like that dirty Dracula of debt that's just sucking things out of me in the distance.
	If you have high interest debt, it can be even harder to ask for help.
	But help is here.
	Upstart-powered personal loans can help you pay down high interest debt all online with simple and easy to understand payment terms.
	That's right.
	Upstart has helped over 1.8 million customers on their path to financial freedom.
	They'll do it.
	You can check your rate in minutes for loans between $1,000 and $50,000 without impacting your credit score.
	That's key.
	Don't wait and check your rate today at upstart.com slash Theo.
	Get a better interest rate for yourself at upstart.com slash Theo.
	Check your rate.
	Don't forget to use our URL.
	Loan amounts will be determined based on your credit income and other certain information provided in your loan application.
	It's not all about that credit score.
	It's not all about your income.
	They take into account more than that.
	Go to upstart.com slash Theo.
	Okay, so you met for a drink and okay, that makes more sense to me because I feel like some people just meet and they just like, no, and then they just start going at it.
	Like I've never understood if you get a, like if you get a hooker, like if my, I don't know why, like if you get an escort, my friends that have done that, I'm always fascinated like what, so they walk in, who makes the first, who makes the first move.
	Do now that I understand it and I've asked enough questions, I guess they come in and they sit down on the bed next to you and they just start like rubbing your leg.
	And then things usually progress from there.
	But like that first moment of like going from like, hello to like touching each other's genitals and like kissing, I don't know how that happens.
	Most of them, it seems like take their gum out first.
	And then do you talk about what's going to happen beforehand, the rate?
	Or is that all?
	I mean, look, for me, it's happened when I've been high on cocaine.
	I get, I started interviewing hookers or whatever online or whatever.
	And then next thing you know, you're, you know, the saddest is when you're like, you're negotiating the rate that's like the side for like 75 bucks off.
	And you're like, this is, this is not going to end well.
	I don't want to hook up with someone that's like, oh, God, this guy's so like giving him a discount.
	Doesn't that take something out of it?
	I'd want to pay more, I think.
	Yeah, that's, well, that's an overall great attitude.
	You know, I, I just, you know, I, but I guess when you're high in cocaine, you're not making the best decisions on.
	Yeah, and I didn't have any money when I was right, right, right.
	Okay, that makes sense.
	And so then, yeah, I think, yeah, but usually they take their gum out.
	One of them was real angry one time, and I just paid her to not be, just to go.
	And a lot of times for me, I get, it's like, it's, I get so, I'm so out, like, I'm so like, um, kind of freaked out by the time they're because you have to like hide everything.
	It's it's alarming.
	Yeah, and you have a long time before they show up.
	So, the impulse to like, I'm horny, I'm high, I have them come over.
	Then, 45 minutes, an hour passes.
	And in that time, sometimes are you like, have are you, can you sustain that excitement?
	And then they show up and you're like, I have to do this.
	You're kind of like, I think it's a lot of fear, and they a lot of times seem like they're wasted or something.
	I'm trying to think.
	And do they look a lot of times what they looked like in the ad?
	No, it's definitely more of a Ross.
	It's more like you get like the Ross version of whatever you kind of like was in the photos a lot of times.
	But then it's just people don't want to put their real selves out.
	Yeah, that makes sense.
	But yeah, most of the time, you know, and I've even talked to a lot of them.
	They say it's like a lot of, you know, a lot of guys, it's a lot of guys that are high.
	And then they go over and there's not even a lot of sexual interaction a lot of times.
	Because when you're coked up, doesn't your, you're weenering is not doing anything.
	Do you convince yourself it is going to work even though Coke dick, everyone knows this is a thing?
	And obviously you've probably had it happen before.
	Is that not in your, is your performance level even a factor?
	Or is it just like, I'm paying for this so it can be whatever I want it to be?
	I think.
	Do you want to show them a good time?
	Are you trying to make them come?
	Are you trying to like stand out as a client?
	I'm just thinking of like what would go through my head of like, I want this person to remember me.
	And I've never thought I want to stand out as a client.
	That's insane.
	Like be the best he's ever had.
	Like a sex star is so pedestrian.
	It's like, oh, every day the same thing.
	One time this you want to be memorable.
	I don't know.
	Wait, one time this girl.
	I want to be completely unmemorable.
	A lot of times I've put on sunglasses and stuff because I've already been high.
	Yeah.
	Or I've been like, you know, I think a lot of it is the allure too.
	It's like, I'm high on cocaine.
	We need some chicks.
	And it's like, there's no way to get chicks at like 3 a.m.
	Yeah.
	If you're just like alive on, you know, if you don't, you know, and you're not like in a place where there's like awake chicks, you know?
	So it's like you have to get, you have to reach out to awake chicks.
	So basically you need some girls with insomnia in the middle of the night.
	It's just a sleep clinic.
	They're really just awake chicks.
	That's all.
	It's not even.
	It's like a diner.
	Yeah.
	But I would say that 66% of the time or even 80% of the time, it's been like I've probably had maybe, I would say probably, I don't know, five, six experiences in my life.
	And 80% of the time it's been a negative experience.
	Oh, wow.
	What was that one good time?
	Because if we're talking 80% five times.
	I think one time the lady was just really, really nice.
	Okay.
	But other times, yeah, it's like a lady, you know, one time a lady had a gun, a guy with a gun hanging out outside.
	And it was like, I can't, I can't even get an erection.
	Like if there's like, you know, like broken glass around.
	So if, oh, for sure.
	Dude, if I'm hard and somebody.
	If there's broken glass in the vicinity.
	If the neighbors are having a party and somebody chips a wine glass.
	Like a damn meat ghost, my dick is gone.
	Okay.
	My dick is gone.
	So it's over.
	And the girl that was nice, was she just like nice afterwards?
	And it was like a little bit.
	She was just nice.
	She was just nice.
	She just seemed like a nice gal.
	Yeah.
	And I'm sure they're so relieved when it's, I mean, I don't know what you're like in the circumstance, but you seem, you're, you seem like a nice guy.
	Like even in that state of mind, they're probably relieved you're not going to murder them.
	I mean, every guy is a gamble.
	There's so much fear in all that moment.
	Yeah.
	Unless you're like with your but like we had I feel like I'm doing all the talking no no no this is fascinating no no no I want to know so you you've you've gone in with other guys on it before and had two or one show up well I used to live with a family member that was an exotic dancer you know and not exotic like Joe like uh like in a cage or something you know with like mange or something you know just like a stripper dancer yes lady of the you know burl
	you know burlesque but with tits and is stripper a bad word I mean it this is not yeah exotic dancer though yeah yeah I mean my she had an LLC and everything so it was like have you ever seen her perform I mean she's a family member no but we looked similar and every now and then there would be like a businessman that would look at me in a strange way and I would be like and I would know that flash like you're talking about that flash of truth yeah it would just hit me like this guy's having some you know he's a familiar it's like have
	I met you before I'd be like no you haven't give back to your wife you know I'd say shit like that under my breath but um were you sad when you found out your family member was dance was it something that was like oh we see this for her or was it like you got you can't do this no because I think I think she kind of like took it in like an empowering type of way I mean I know there was probably some behind this you know once I later got older and realized like oh we're messed up and that's why you know you know people are
	showing their body or we're out we're out here you know desperate for some type of attention yeah so I've always kind of felt like stand up to me is emotional stripper yes that's what I feel like the things I talk about the things I say like have are so they're like you know they're full fully like what you know some strippers only do topless what's it called when they're like yeah I feel like I've exposed myself like I expose myself like asshole everything like I feel like I sometimes do that you know metaphorically in
	a way that's like who could no one's gonna love me because I talk like this or like yeah if it gets back to someone that I've done this or said this thing to a family member of my boyfriend or like they'd be ashamed and sometimes you yeah I feel that way on I feel like oh why did I do that that was gross and then other ways it's like oh it's really freeing and it's like fuck what anyone thinks I don't know I struggle with it But I'm sure,
	you know, at least I can like age into this, but not even like as I get older, I'm like, stop talking about sex and all the things that were like a little bit cuter when you were younger.
	But it's like, I'm not, I don't think I'm, I'm not doing it to like, I'm not doing it so people like think I'm hot or to like turn men on.
	That's never been like my goal.
	And if it does, I'm always like, oh, God, like, I'm, I don't like that energy around.
	I don't like when guys come up at meet and greens and are like, hey, hey, can you roast, can you roast me?
	Like, I, first of all, we, that, that guy and I would never be compatible because that's a guy that like wants me to stomp on his balls with a stiletto heel or something.
	You know what I mean?
	Like, that's a guy that likes to get, like a guy that wants to be roasted and is like horny for it.
	It's not going to work, but they, some guys do get horny for it, but do they?
	Oh, yeah.
	There are some guys that like love to be, like, the fact that they watch my roasts and you can tell they show up being like, they sit in the front row, just like so eager, like, please, please tell me of a small fucking dick.
	Yeah, well, they like it.
	But then how?
	Why?
	What do they want out of that?
	They want it.
	What they maybe don't want, they maybe want somebody to.
	It's very popular.
	Why they want that?
	Yeah, I mean, like, that's a very, that's a huge genre of porn of just like being dominated and being told, like, you little pussy bitch, look at your fucking stupid dick.
	And, like, just yelling at them.
	But I don't like.
	Get your dick never went to school, boy.
	You know?
	Get your dick back out there at work.
	Yeah, I don't, I relate to, like, I like the, I like the other side.
	Like, I enjoy, I don't like being made fun of in bed or sexually or called like, you're an ugly, like anything mean about me, but I like being dominated or being told, like, um, just feeling like powerless a little bit.
	So I get, I get what these guys want, but I, that's not, it's the opposite.
	I'm the opposite on stage of what I would want in a relationship.
	So anyone that's like, I'm really horny for like, I watch her stand up and I'm just like, God, she's so fucking hot.
	I'm just like, it would never work between us.
	But you've been, I'm sure you've hooked up with some fans though, huh?
	No, never.
	Uh-uh.
	No, no, never.
	I really haven't.
	I just don't, I'm not, I just feel like I, it's not that I'm not honest up there and it's not exactly what I want to say and what I want to do, but I feel like in a relationship, I just want to be, or in a sexual scenario, I don't want to be in control.
	I don't want to be in a position of power.
	I don't want to be the one talking.
	I want to be like a quiet whole.
	Wow.
	Like I just don't want to, that's a lot.
	I do that too.
	I feel like because stand-up is all about control.
	We write our own stuff.
	We're the only ones on stage.
	We get, we have, we decide what we write.
	We, we're the only ones talking.
	We overpower anyone.
	We don't have a band.
	There's no collaboration.
	It's a control thing.
	And I think that, I think in sex or in a lot of ways, we just look for ways to get out of control because we're like tired of being in control.
	So that's the last place where I want any control.
	I don't want to think about anything.
	It's so nice.
	Yeah.
	That's the one time where it's like, even during massages that I pay for, I feel like still a pressure to like respond to them or like stay awake or talk to them or like not fall asleep.
	There's always pressure.
	And I feel like in sex, if you're really connected with someone and like have that dynamic, you can, I can really like disappear and not, it's almost like disappearing in a way that's probably not healthy because you're like trying to get out of who you are and like not be in the room.
	But I think that's so fun to be able to do that and not be like to get high from sex without drugs or whatever.
	That's, I mean, if I'm not smoking weed and I don't drink anymore, but I go in and out of smoking weed, that's like, that's my high.
	And then I want to do that all the time.
	I mean, I just like fucking switch things.
	I mean, so you're saying like, okay, so you're saying like during, so you like being kind of your submissive.
	Okay.
	Yes.
	So then here's what I think is interesting is I think there's different reasons why men and women then get into probably comedy.
	For women, for men, I think the original thing is I want to be seen by women.
	I want to be validated.
	You know, I want, you know, Sarah to look at me or I want Angelica to, you know, see me and think, oh, there's something about him.
	Yeah, and it works.
	So for women then, what is that?
	Because if y'all aren't out there trying to trap.
	Oh man, I'm trying to get seen, but I'm trying to get seen and heard.
	And so for women, it's more of a business almost sense?
	I think it's about, I think it's about wanting to be heard and feeling like I just felt like growing up, if I kind of like really pull it apart and figure out why I do it, I think it's like, I felt like a weird kid.
	I never got to the things I would say would always make people go like, ew, like what?
	And like look at each other concerned, want to get me help.
	So I just learned to like not talk.
	And also I thought that if I ever talked, boys would call me ugly.
	So if I ever said something, it would make, it would make people look at me and remember that I existed.
	And then they would call me ugly.
	And then that's like, I mean, because it happened a couple times enough where it was like, okay, I learned my lesson.
	Like do not talk because the boys that are like praising enough.
	Yeah, just and the boys that liked me, honestly, I look back and I'm like, they were the ones that called me Ellen when Ellen was like, had just come out and was gay.
	Did you seem like a gay woman?
	Yeah, because I didn't like boys.
	I did a lot of gay looking stuff.
	No, I just didn't like boys.
	I did, I liked boys, but I didn't want to talk to them.
	I didn't want to kiss them.
	I didn't want to date.
	I mean, I wanted to, but I didn't know how.
	And so I just never had boyfriends.
	And so I think that they were just like, Nikki's gay.
	And so they called me Ellen.
	And then like, you know, just.
	But were you doing hand jobs and stuff?
	Were you proving yourself?
	No, dude.
	I didn't do anything.
	Wow.
	So you weren't proving that you weren't gay.
	No, I mean, I didn't.
	I definitely didn't think I was because I love Jonathan Taylor Thomas like a lot.
	But he's almost a woman.
	You're not wrong.
	Zach Efron too.
	I mean, they're handsome guys, but they're, you know, to get to that, you know.
	Zach Efron was my first, like, I would say my most recent that I was just like, Jesus Christ.
	And I looked at his face one day.
	I'm like, he has a woman's face.
	Like, he's a really pretty guy.
	So I don't know.
	I definitely somewhere on the spectrum.
	But no, I like dudes, but I was too scared of them because I just, I thought I would be bad at things.
	That's why I'm so interested in like, How do you make a first move?
	Like, how do you go from library to sex?
	Because to me, even now, I'm like, how, if you're not drunk, how do you make a first move?
	How do you go from like, we are just people talking to we are going to put ourselves inside each other is just so wild to me.
	And I was just too scared.
	I couldn't, couldn't do it.
	I didn't kiss a boy until I was 17. Wow, really?
	Yeah.
	And it was just because my friend literally like brought this guy in the room and was like, you're making out with him and like sat him down and was like, you two, go.
	And I was like, thank you.
	Someone's making me do something.
	So I feel like in sex, when I'm submissive or like in that kind of role and someone's making me do stuff or, you know, with like my consent, like there's safe words and stuff.
	But if someone's making me do something, I can do anything.
	I'll do anything because I'm a people pleaser and it's not my fault.
	If I do this wrong, well, I didn't even want to.
	You made me do it.
	If I am not good at this thing, well, you said I had to.
	It's like, why should I be good at this?
	This is the first time I'm doing it.
	You're making me do this thing.
	So I have an out.
	Oh, so it's almost like you, you like, you kind of play that damn Velinda Strett or just yeah, a little bit tied up and just like, I can't, I mean, I used to have a joke about it, but I liked being tied up a lot of times because I wouldn't have to do anything to the guy.
	And not because I was like lazy, but because I didn't want to like be bad at things.
	I just always thought I just had too much, I would overhear boys and hear them talk about girls and be like, oh, you know, she gave me, like, she scraped my dick with her teeth.
	Too much teeth.
	It was always that kind of stuff when you were young and it would ruin that.
	Grew up on my dick.
	If you're a high school student out there, boys.
	She left freckles on my dick.
	Somebody said that one time.
	That is the worst.
	That's the way you will not get pussy is if you talk around girls that you want to fuck about girls that you have slept with and you disparage them.
	You might think it, because I get the psychology of guys.
	If you like a girl, you talk badly about other girls so that this girl feels like, like, oh, I don't like her.
	I like you.
	But girls, for me at least, I would hear that and say, he's going to do that to me.
	So I'm not ever going to touch this guy because I don't want to be the girl that gets made fun of behind my back.
	I remember my buddy one time got the first BJ in our area, right?
	And I mean, people were fucking fired up.
	Wait, what is that?
	We're talking your area.
	Seventh grade.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Yeah.
	That was around the same point.
	So he got BJ'd up and everybody was fucking, you could hear people cheering in the damn distance.
	It was like, you know, you could hear his ancestors like, heat that ass.
	You know, he daddy.
	23 and he was lightened up.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	You could see, I mean, Betsy Ross just put another star on the flag, you know, like people were excited, right?
	Yes.
	So then the story came out that people started hearing about it.
	Yeah.
	And then the gal's parents heard about it.
	So then the gal and her parents went over.
	The parents called my buddy's parents.
	Oh my God.
	And this poor girl.
	Because they were real pretty religious.
	And so they said, well, we're going to come over there and talk about this if people's BJing.
	And if our child's BJing, we're going to come over there and talk about it.
	So they drove over and my buddy was like, dude, I remember talking to him on the phone right before.
	He's like, I have to go sit in there.
	Oh, my God.
	And they want us to tell them everything that happened.
	No.
	Here's the crazy part.
	Here's the craziest part.
	They made them show, not like physically show them like with their sexual parts, but like, okay, show us how you were.
	Show us how you were.
	So then the gal is, because my buddy let me put the phone on and let it be just under the table in there when the meeting was going on.
	My God.
	So because I think the parents wanted to make sure that everything was in, there was nothing like forced that happened.
	Okay.
	So they're having it basically reenactment.
	Right.
	Then here's the crazy part.
	They send the kids out of the room so that they can talk about it.
	And I don't remember exactly, but I swear my buddy.
	give him another one another play job laughing laughing laughing laughing While they were talking about it, man.
	That's when you got to fucking beat that hammer, son.
	I mean, the seventh grade, I remember the first girl that gave a boy, eighth grade, the first girl.
	And it was just like, it was out.
	I couldn't believe it.
	You blew the top off the world.
	Your mouth on a penis.
	Like, I've.
	All the chicks were like, oh.
	And all the guys were like, yeah.
	I mean, it was so titillating.
	I wanted to know everything about it, but I was like, God damn it.
	I haven't even kissed a boy.
	I'm years away from kissing a guy.
	A friend of mine just put, I remember sobbing the first time one of my close friends sucked a penis.
	I cried so hard because I knew that I would have to do it someday.
	And I also knew that I lost her.
	Like we don't have anything in common now.
	If you can do that, it was like my friends who rode roller coasters.
	I wanted to so bad, but I was too scared.
	I just couldn't do it.
	And I would just sit at six flags and sit on the bench.
	Janet's gone.
	Yeah.
	Yep.
	That's how I felt.
	She's gone.
	And I lost her.
	I really cried, like I mourned it because I just felt like I'm getting left behind.
	And I did.
	Like all my friends got boyfriends were like hooking up, getting their pussies eaten.
	And I just had never even kissed a boy.
	And I would be like, just, but I knew everything.
	I would ask every detail.
	So by the time I did that stuff, I knew exactly what to do.
	I was not, I was not nervous by the time that I got to the place where I was.
	You're like the librarian of it, kind of, it seems like.
	You were kind of the professor.
	At that point, you were.
	Yeah.
	Yes.
	I knew everything.
	And I didn't get my period till super late.
	And I was, by the time I got my period, all my, I knew everything about because my friends, I would ask every detail.
	I put in a tampon like I was like an old grizzled aunt.
	Like it was like I'd been doing it for years.
	And you, as a girl, you don't start with tampons.
	You start with like pads or like toilet paper.
	And you're like, am I dying?
	Why am I bleeding?
	But I was just like, oh, I know what to do here.
	Cause I just knew because I had asked so many questions.
	And I think that's what I still have is that like curiosity about sex.
	Like even though I have it and now I'm in that world, I still am just like, I just want to know every detail.
	I just think it's fascinating like how we get from being clothed to unclothed and like licking each other's privates.
	It's just so weird.
	Yeah.
	You got to get, you get, I, you got to get stupid.
	Like you, that's what horniness does.
	It makes you kind of dumb.
	Well, yeah.
	And when you think about that, horniness is built into you.
	I mean, when you're a child and it starts to go off in you, I mean, it's basically like you're sitting there just pretending that you're not just full of fireworks all the time.
	Did you know what the feeling was?
	Because I didn't know what it was.
	I was just like.
	Oh, yeah.
	I remember being horny, bro.
	and I'm by I don't know what it was, I didn't know to have shame about it.
	Like, I didn't know that this was a feeling.
	Like, I would just watch Dave Matthews storytellers on VH1 and like rock back and forth on my heel and not really know, like, sweating and getting like real horned up and do it in front of my parents.
	Like, I wouldn't even know that what I was feeling.
	I was so out of touch with, like, what that was.
	Do you remember, like, the first time you started getting the?
	I remember my buddy William would, like, drag his body across the carpet with like front down, you know, with the front side down.
	And just, he would literally just like in the military crawl all around the fucking house getting hard, you know?
	And I mean, you know, yeah, you'd see like we'd be watching an episode of like Little House in the Prairie and like, you know, they'd get in their swimming, you know, long johns and damn, there goes William just damn elbow crawling, bro.
	He'd be off.
	He'd do two laps through the kitchen, bro, before he'd come back to us.
	Lieutenant Danning.
	He just couldn't handle it.
	He's just keeping his front just flush on the carpet, you know?
	Yeah, I mean, well, it's interesting that that.
	So that happens inside of us.
	So that's a thing that says, hey, we want to have sex.
	We want to procreate.
	And nature wants it to happen kind of sometime after that, probably.
	Nature.
	Yes.
	You know what I'm saying?
	So that's nature's plan, you know, is people doing sex when they're probably 16 or something or 14, you know?
	Oh, yeah.
	That's nature's plan.
	Sure.
	So then we come in with our human plan and we say, well, these are some of our rules and stuff.
	And it's like, okay, well, that's when a lot of like illegalities happen, you know?
	Yeah.
	And sex issues and stuff like that, you know?
	But I feel like.
	I remember it.
	I remember, yeah, somebody blew, you know.
	Oh, then I remember I ended up getting a BJ one time.
	First one?
	Yeah.
	And we met out.
	Oh, I remember we were meeting in the woods.
	It was at a party.
	Yeah.
	I was like, let's go meet in the woods.
	And Louisiana has wood woods.
	It's not, I mean, there's like spiders.
	There's like dragons.
	There's like dead bitches out there, probably.
	You know, there's pirate ships.
	There's a lot in there.
	So you meet in the woods.
	But we met in the woods and it was getting damp like where we were meeting.
	It was getting real muddy.
	So, I mean, I remember being, oh, we were slogging and dude.
	And then I remember it getting even a little bit more like almost like probably a couple inches of water.
	Oh, my God.
	Where are we meeting?
	And I'd gone kind of the wrong way to meet.
	So I'm like, you know, I'm like out in damn, you know, I'm almost in South Carolina.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Like, I really, you know, I'm in the backdrop of where the crawdads sing.
	You know what I'm saying?
	It's really like, I'm passing boats.
	And you don't have phones.
	How do you know where to meet this girl?
	Dude, I was just following the possibility that I was going to get a BJ.
	It happened?
	I would still be walking if the possibility had never left my head.
	And so I finally, we finally got to each other.
	And by that point, I mean, I had like locus on me.
	I had like, I was a damn ecosystem, you know?
	Like, I was certainly, I wasn't doing great.
	You know, there was like scientists texting me.
	There was like, oh, my God.
	You know, it was really bad.
	You know, deciduous.
	Oh, there was moss growing on the north side of me.
	Like, I had barely made it to this.
	I was three years older when I got to her.
	When I finally got there, it was illegal for her to give me the blowjobs.
	That's how long it took, man.
	Was it awesome?
	Was it like as good as you had thought it would be?
	Because, I mean, I'm guessing this girl is like a younger, like you're on the younger side of things.
	It's probably one of her first two.
	Maybe, you know, maybe she doesn't know what she's doing, but was it just so great?
	Well, by that point, other kids had come in looking for us, you know?
	Oh, okay.
	By that point, by the time we finally met up, there were other kids yelling in the game.
	Because you were missing out.
	Oh, it was crazy.
	Oh, it was crazy.
	There was a lantern, I remember.
	I'm like, somebody had a lantern out here.
	There was a lantern.
	There was beagles.
	Oh, there were two beagles.
	You know?
	It was getting really, really bad, you know?
	And so we had to shut it down.
	Okay.
	And then another time.
	So then we rebooked it for a couple of weeks later when someone else had a party.
	Yeah.
	You know.
	So.
	So you knew it was going to be a blowjob.
	Yeah.
	I knew it.
	Because she had maybe done it before.
	Yeah.
	And she was like the one that you knew to go to for that kind of thing.
	But I also liked her, though.
	Oh, yeah.
	That's sweet.
	So I really, really liked her.
	And I think I was also, there was embarrassment because she'd done some blowjobs.
	Yes.
	So you thought, did you.
	I like her, but I'm afraid of what other people will think if I like her.
	Oh, yeah, because she's a slut.
	Well, I don't know if she's a slut, but she'd done some blowjobs.
	Right.
	Well, I was saying slut isn't like people might think she's, and then what does that mean?
	And then you can't.
	Yeah.
	Are you one of these guys that if you're dating someone, you don't want to know about their history?
	You don't want to, you kind of want to convince yourself.
	You kind of want to be in denial of their past.
	Even though you know, like you just don't want to know about Sniff.
	I don't care anymore.
	That's good.
	Because it's like, unless they were like work.
	Yeah, I don't think I care really.
	I think it's more now about what the connection is, you know?
	Yeah.
	But then I remember me and this gal, we befriended somebody so we could go to their birthday, right?
	Like we kind of like because we needed a spot.
	Right.
	So we ended up at this nerdy girl's birthday, right?
	Met her at the library, I'm sure.
	Neither of us even really knew her and we're at the party and we're trying to use her for her guest room.
	Oh, people are trying to like just play games and stuff and it was water balloons and like it was really, it was still like a be they were real, they was more premature, you know.
	And so we were trying to get a sneak off for this BJ, you know, and they're doing like pen the tail and the donk and just things where it's like, we got to get this clown.
	Yeah.
	And time was ticking.
	It was getting later in the day.
	Like there was a pony.
	There was a pony I never.
	Oh my God.
	Oh my God.
	So it's like, we got to sneak off and get this BJ in somewhere around here.
	And so we snuck off behind this tree.
	And it was like, they don't really have trees wide enough to get a BJ behind them where I'm from, you know, without somebody seeing it.
	Thin birches.
	Yeah, it's a lot more.
	What's the thickest tree in Louisiana, you think, Zach, if you can pull something up like that?
	Because you can really get blown behind one of these.
	Okay.
	You know.
	No, search only for thickest.
	That taxodium dystictum, huh?
	15.90.
	What is that?
	It says girth.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, it's by girth.
	We're talking meters here.
	I assume diameter.
	So, well, I guess these people couldn't afford one of those.
	Right.
	So, because that's really wide enough almost, especially at that age.
	In California, you got the redwoods.
	You can fucking have an orgy behind one of those.
	Oh, dude, you could build a car max behind one of them.
	But anyway, I couldn't.
	And the kid's mom came over.
	Oh, shit.
	And was like, y'all are blowjobbing.
	And I was like, I'm not.
	And then the girl felt bad when I said, I'm not.
	Oh.
	And then I felt bad because I wasn't.
	Like, it was her idea.
	No, I wasn't.
	She was doing it.
	Oh, right.
	They're blowjobbing.
	I'm not.
	I'm just standing here.
	She came up.
	I was just trying to get some air.
	No, not that she came up.
	Like my penis was just wandering around the air.
	You can't get...
	Like, you're getting.
	Oh, man.
	Well, so then we got busted and that was a bad issue.
	And then probably about, I think it was a couple years later.
	Yeah.
	A girl gave me a hand job into a small waterway.
	And like a stream?
	Everything is outdoors for you guys.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I think of the people I knew didn't have big indoors.
	Yeah.
	So it was like, if there's not a lot of room indoors, you got to.
	So into a small waterway, you were like looking over a small, bobbling brook?
	No, it was larger than that.
	I mean, you could catch something out of it.
	All right.
	And so you got a hand job out of that into the stream.
	Into the stream.
	Yes.
	So scared.
	Yeah.
	It scared me.
	What scared me?
	Because I would never be able to get that semen back for a second.
	No, really?
	But hadn't you ejaculated before and felt the same way?
	Or did you try to put it back in then?
	Well, I remember we jerked off one time and my dad made us bury it out in the yard.
	No way.
	What?
	Yeah.
	Wait, he caught you jerking off and he bury your semen in the backyard.
	So you in your hand.
	Not even in the back.
	I was in the side yard.
	Wait, that is, why?
	I don't know.
	He said that's God's and that's where it goes.
	Oh my God.
	Theo.
	Pretty cool.
	That's crazy.
	You got something in your pants, baby, that's bugging you, that's itching, that's growing.
	It's probably hair.
	It's probably hair you bushed out, baby.
	You Georgian and George W and right there in your pants and your crotch.
	Taking control of that body bush is important.
	That's why Manscaped is sponsoring us.
	They're here to help.
	They'll help you tame that bush without hiring people that have knives and weed whackers.
	Whether you're looking to go bald like an eagle or just to need a little trim, Manscaped is dedicated to helping you level up your full body grooming.
	When you trim your hair down, your package looks taller and longer.
	Put a damn graduation cap on your wiener.
	It's just basic landscaping, that's how it is.
	If you get the performance package purchase, you get two free gifts.
	You get the shed travel bag and the patented high performance reduced chafing manscaped boxers.
	They have a bunch of other products on their website as well.
	You can check them out.
	But make sure to use our code.
	You get 20% off in free shipping with the code Theo at manscaped.com.
	That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com.
	Use the code Theo.
	It's time to level up from the Amazon to the Amadong with the ultimate bushwhacking tools.
	Whack that bush from Manscaped.
	Blue Chew, baby, you got to pep that wiener, baby.
	You got to pep that wiener, daddy.
	And that's Blue Chew.
	They'll do it.
	Blue Chew's tablets combat all forms of erectile dysfunction and can help men gain extra confidence.
	For when it's time to perform, baby, you send your wiener off to war, you got to peel him up.
	Blue Chew's licensed medical providers work with you to find the right ingredients and strength for your prescription.
	It's a unique online service that Blue Chew offers.
	They have the same active ingredients as Viagra and Sialis, but it's in chewable form.
	You snack that baby.
	Snack that baby and up your wiener.
	Snack that baby and up your wiener.
	That's right.
	You can benefit from extra confidence.
	It's time to visit Blue Chew.
	And guys, here's a special code for you.
	Try Blue Chew free when you use our code Theo at checkout.
	Just pay $5 shipping.
	That's bluechew.com, promo code T-H-E-O to receive your first month free up that wiener, baby.
	That's a thing.
	Like there are some guys that like, I think, have an issue with coming.
	And you should because it, like, when you come, it fucks with your limbic system.
	And I mean, it, it also makes you the, the interesting thing I found about when I was, I was like reading these books that about like the male orgasm, the female orgasm and how much it fucks you up.
	And how I, you know, I just had so many experiences where I slept with guys too soon when I really thought that I had waited long enough.
	They really liked me.
	This was, this was, we're going to the next level.
	This was actually making us like, we're going to be boyfriend, girlfriend after this.
	I didn't get the word of it, but it was like, this is in the bag.
	And then we'd have sex and then instantly they would change and like some, they just weren't into me anymore.
	And they kind of Yeah.
	And it was about, and they would sometimes try to not come because they knew what was coming on the other side of that.
	There was nothing I did.
	It was that they came.
	And then I found out biologically, because we used to like live in tribes and just have sex with everyone and no one like not everybody.
	I'm sure there were some people in the tribe that weren't.
	Yeah, you skipped a couple.
	Yeah.
	Like, oh, a little Randall over there.
	Yeah, let's leave him, dude.
	That guy's over there fucking eating chia seeds out of his belly button.
	I think I'm a fashion fucking him.
	But we used to.
	I'm sure within reason, you used to just like have sex with everyone because you got to make a lot of babies for the fucking drugs.
	Totally.
	You had to get more goods to be able to survive the winter.
	Yeah.
	Cause and babies don't live.
	So everyone's fucking everyone.
	So your body, when you come as a man, your subconscious, like your caveman brain, whatever it is, is telling you, don't, do not come with this girl again.
	Like you already got her.
	If she's going to get pregnant, that's the, you've already done it.
	Don't drop a second load in this woman because that would be a waste of your sperm.
	So don't, that's why men afterwards have this like, you know, flight response of like, get away, because it would be a waste for you to fuck someone twice within the same like ovulation period.
	And that's, and this whole book was about like not making it so like you, if you want to keep a guy interested in you, just don't let him come.
	Wow.
	Ever.
	And they'll be obsessed with you.
	And there is some truth to that.
	I mean, like, even I, I feel that way in, in relationship.
	I'm, I'm scared of cum now because I've, on the other side of it, when a guy comes, they're, even if they're like my partner at the time, there's just a lack of interest in me that was like, they were pawing on me before, so into me.
	And then afterwards, it's as we all feel after we are satiated.
	But I don't like, I don't like that to go away suddenly.
	It felt like, oh my God, then that was fake or something.
	Sometimes I'll be like, please don't come because I want you to like crave me forever.
	I always want that to be there.
	I hate when it goes away.
	Dude, that's a great point.
	Maybe that's because I'll say this.
	Whenever I would ejaculate into my hand or whatever, it always felt like that wasn't supposed to be outside.
	That's one thing that I always felt like.
	Yes.
	It's like, this doesn't feel like it's just supposed to be outside of me.
	Because it's a waste.
	That was that semen is to like make a baby and now your body has to like make more.
	You just like wasted this thing that was going to keep you going, keep the human species going.
	And you just blew it.
	Like your job as a man is to make sure that goes into a vagina that is fertile and you blew, you've, you failed.
	So there, of course, there would be some kind of like disappointment or shame on the other side of that subconsciously or even consciously.
	You just blew it out here in the back of a school bus or behind a Shoni's or something.
	Now you're just riding there on the bus next to your seamen and you're just like, all right.
	That's interesting though.
	Because I feel the same way after I have an orgasm, but my thing is that I get sad because it's going to, I get sad because I want to feel that again right now.
	And I have to wait now to build it up again.
	And I'm like, it's almost like after I like to wait to eat until I'm really hungry so that the food tastes better.
	Like I love to wait.
	I'm a pleasure delayer.
	And so I always, after I come, I'm always just like, man, the most fun part of that whole thing was up until it happened.
	When it happened, it feels good.
	But really the best part is the anticipation.
	That's why I love anticipation.
	I love when I see the waiter bringing my food.
	Like that is, that's a better feeling to me than when I'm actually eating it, I think.
	I like on Christmas, I notoriously as a kid, I would never open my Christmas presents.
	I would just, I would hoard them and be like, because I didn't want Christmas to be over.
	The saddest day of the year is December 26th.
	I might argue the saddest day is December 25th, the afternoon after Christmas presents are opened.
	Because people are crazy.
	Before that, it's like, what, what could be?
	And now you know what is and it's fine.
	It's Nintendo and you're psyched and you're playing duck hunt with your cousin.
	But before that, who knows what it could have been?
	Wow, that's interesting.
	I like to think of what if.
	Right.
	And I like to know what.
	Yeah.
	Maybe that's some of the differences right there between men and women.
	You like to know what.
	I like to know exactly what's going to go on.
	Yeah.
	I don't like there to be a lot of room for, I think that scares me, you know, if there's like a lot of like what could happen.
	I think that's just some of the difference between men and women, you know?
	I think that's why like you can see a male orgasm, you know, it's like definitely in a women orgasm.
	You're like, maybe.
	Yeah.
	We don't know.
	Yes.
	But, you know, it's more like up in the air is what I'm saying.
	Even if you go to that, you know?
	Yeah.
	This lady said something.
	What you got here, Zachary?
	You had a video you wanted us to see?
	Yeah, while we're on this topic, there's a Utah state rep that's getting a lot of flack for this kind of hot take about semen.
	Oh, man.
	That I clearly don't trust women enough to make choices to control their own body.
	And my response is I do trust women enough to control when they allow a man to ejaculate inside of them and to control that intake of semen.
	So that may be inflammatory, but I think as a legislature, we have the responsibility to create a legal framework that is friendly and supporting rights.
	So she's saying you can control how much semen goes in you.
	No, you can't.
	No, you can't.
	Well, because.
	No, I mean, like, men are stronger than us.
	Sorry.
	It's like, that's the bottom line.
	Like, we, all of this is about, if we were as strong as you guys, this would not be an issue.
	Like, nothing, it's, we're the weaker sex physically.
	I mean, some of us can work out hard enough and there's jiu-jitsu to use your body strength against yourself.
	But like, generally, we cannot fight you off.
	If you decide in the middle of sex to hold us down, it wouldn't take much.
	It doesn't take much.
	Even if we're so fast and we work out every day, a guy who doesn't work out in a quick sprint can catch us.
	You guys are faster and more powerful.
	So no, we can't control.
	If you want to come in us, you can come in us.
	Oh, dang.
	Well, thanks.
	First of all.
	Second of all.
	I didn't say may you.
	Oh, yeah.
	That old bathroom trick.
	No, I never.
	I'm not doing anything like that, man.
	Of course not.
	I will.
	I mean, I will not, I Will like to even go and ejaculate in the other room, you know?
	No, that's not a bad idea because you don't associate it with the girl.
	And so you might still have that in you to be like, I'm going to fuck her.
	And so you might still be interested in her.
	That's like actually one of the tactics they talk about in this book I read about male orgasms and avoiding them.
	Is like, if he has to come, like, don't have him not associate it with you.
	And then he'll still like you.
	Hmm.
	Because it's about like.
	Some of that I think makes sense, you know?
	But yeah, sometimes I feel so bad about all of the, you know, just all the ejaculate or whatever that I left in different places and just shouldn't have left.
	Do you feel like it's like a part of you?
	You feel like it's like.
	Yeah, sometimes I would even drive through my old neighborhood and even look at that spot where you buried it to see if a tree grew.
	Oh, I didn't think about that.
	A tree where you could maybe get a blowjob behind it someday.
	A tree that's strong enough to hide two kids.
	I mean, this is all checking out.
	Theo, your dad made you bury your semen when he caught you the first time you got caught masturbating.
	You had to take your semen and bury it in the yard.
	Like, of course you have issues with like a like feeling like, but yeah, I mean, and it goes, it spreads from there.
	I mean, like, everything we do is because of something that happened in our childhood.
	I know it's a child lesson we learned from our parents who were just like doing their best, which wasn't really that great.
	Oh, I saw one time, it reminds me, actually, there was this kind of ratchet chick.
	You know, I was into like real ratchet kind of chicks for a while.
	Nice.
	Huh?
	I don't know.
	I just liked it, you know?
	And she had earrings like on her, like on the sides of her.
	Wait, on her labia?
	Yeah.
	Like hoops?
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	Okay.
	It was cool.
	Never heard of that.
	I didn't know it could even exist.
	Because you always think of like clit piercings, which seems really painful.
	But yeah, that makes sense.
	Just like the labia, like she was pretty ratchet.
	She had earrings on her pussy.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	And it was like, definitely, like, you could see it like eating popcorn at a ball game, like front row at an NBA game.
	You know what I'm saying?
	No, I don't know what you're saying, but like it was definitely, I mean, it looked like it had like, I don't know.
	Are you, do you, do you, I've talked a lot about this before and I'm, and I am always curious.
	I don't care anymore about, I used to be very paranoid about like, what if the guy thinks my vagina is ugly?
	Like if it's not like perfectly like tight and just like a little line.
	Like, do you care about that stuff when you, are there certain vaginas that you're just like, like, or is it just like, I'm horny.
	This is fine.
	Whatever.
	Like, because, yeah, I just want to, I feel like men, men and women have so much insecurity about our genitals.
	You guys more so size.
	Us is also size, but it's like, if it's, we just don't know what other women are have down there.
	And so we, we are scared.
	Ours is just grotesque compared to it, or at least I'm speaking for myself.
	The only one that I, you know, the only time I've really had some bad experience with some vagina was if, you know, if it's really has, if it, if somebody has an ill vagina, or a sick vagina, like somebody's, you know, has a, you know, if there is, that's a tough thing, you know?
	Yeah.
	And I think it can even be the same for men if some of the men's wiener stink, you know?
	It's like gingivitis, like they don't even know it's like a chronic thing.
	It's a bacterial thing.
	Yes.
	Yes.
	And I'll even send a friendly text sometimes like, hey, this isn't to be rude or anything.
	I love hanging out with you, but, you know, but this, I mean, the tough thing was that one, yeah, the girl with that little, you know, just that damn, the little drummer girl or whatever.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	When she broke out that little barumpa bum bum, dude, that little drummer girl.
	That shit, that was, that was too hectic, man.
	I wanted to literally, you know, I don't know.
	A lot of this stuff's interesting, man.
	How's your vagina doing?
	How are you doing?
	Are you dating?
	Are you a lot?
	Are you dating?
	Are you?
	Yeah, I have a boyfriend.
	Oh, good.
	Yeah, I'm back.
	A guy dated for like, man, we were together three years off and on.
	And then we took a five-year break.
	And then we've been dated.
	We dated for like about nine months.
	And then we made it official, I think, like four months ago.
	But like we went to, we went to couples therapy before we were even a couple because I was like, I just don't want to do this again because we always just break up and get together.
	It's at the point where our families are just like not taking us seriously.
	And so we're doing it.
	You're like guns and roses almost.
	Yeah.
	I don't like just.
	Just like rumors you were getting back together never happened.
	Yes.
	An appetite for destruction.
	Yes.
	Yeah.
	What about you?
	What's going on?
	I'm actually taking a little bit.
	I'm not dating, trying not to date for 30 days.
	Oh, that's nice.
	No, no, not do any dating for 30 days.
	Are you on apps and stuff like that?
	How were you dating before?
	DM slides?
	After shows.
	Meeting some women occasionally, meeting women in real time.
	You know?
	Yeah, but I think it's just, I think I've had this kind of like, I didn't realize that I've had this kind of software kind of running.
	Like I need to have some interaction with a woman, right?
	Like whether it be a text exchange or a pornograph or watching a pornography or watching even a drawing of pussy, anything like that.
	I need to have some interaction of woman, you know?
	Yes.
	Buying a wig or something, looking at it, you know, different kind of stuff where you could be like, you know, I need to have some interaction of woman.
	That where it's like the possibility of a connection of intimacy, whether it be just a female interaction, like what could be.
	Something, yeah.
	Because I'll notice like I like I'll sit at home, no drinking and stuff like that, you know?
	So I've been, I think I have almost like 90 days sober right now.
	Congrats.
	Thanks.
	Pretty cool.
	Damn.
	And I'm realizing, and I'm not saying I'm not, that I'm not going to stay in this program, but I realize when I sit there, or I realize also when I just sit there, a lot of alcoholics, they think, I need a drink.
	I need, I want something to drink.
	I realize for me, I want to interact with a female just to know that a female will interact with me.
	Yes.
	Yes.
	That's it.
	It doesn't have to be about sex.
	It doesn't even, but I need there's, that's my drink.
	Yeah.
	You know, oh, yeah.
	So it's like I realize, oh, that's my drink.
	That's my alcohol is that is some sort of validation or acceptance from a woman, setting up a date, saying, hey, I'll, you know, or calling a girl that I care about even, you know, just it's any of the, it could be anything on the spectrum.
	But not a, not a platonic, it's like romantic interest.
	Yeah, romantic, but even sometimes platonic can be part of it because it'll like, it depends on what need I have at that moment.
	If I have a need where it's like a sexual need, then I'll do a date with a girl who wants who's looking for to do sex.
	Or I'll do pornography.
	If it's I just want to flirt, then I'll just flirt.
	If it's that I want to talk to someone I care about or who cares about me, I'll do that.
	But it's like I notice I kind of, and a lot of it's normal behavior.
	Yeah.
	But it's not normal when it's like the second I start to feel a little bit of uncomfort, that's the thing that I do to solve it every time.
	The second something will like, but before, you know, before when I was single, like the second one would drop off, instantly need to replace it with another.
	Oh, this guy's not writing me back.
	Find another one.
	Make sure you're still fuckamable.
	Make sure you're still validated, honestly, like that someone wants to stick their dick in you.
	Even though like I could post a picture and someone would write some disgusting thing that would make me feel that way, but you want it to be someone who you would maybe entertain the idea of doing that.
	But it's, I know that itch where you just just sometimes just going on the apps and matching with someone, you get that hit of dopamine of just like a connection, just seeing the connection.
	I don't even need to talk to them.
	I'm like, okay, that guy would.
	That guy would.
	And I'm a fucking, I'm terrified of having sex with people and meeting up with people.
	I would just go in and a lot of people would fuck you.
	You know that.
	Right.
	But and but for some reason, I need, I don't know, but I still crave that.
	I mean, and also you, you start to age and you go, oh, I feel it slipping away.
	It's not, it, it's not as, um, it's not as apparent anymore.
	And then you start to feel it go away.
	And then you're like, well, I'm eventually going to get old enough where I hope, I really hope no one wants to fuck me.
	I don't want to be 90 and having people like you stuck for me.
	You know what I mean?
	Like that, you're vulnerable.
	You're 90. It reverses.
	No, you don't want anyone being sexual.
	Like, I don't want to be sexualized when I'm 90. It's like you're a baby again.
	That's why we don't, I don't want anyone to want to fuck me because I can't fight you off.
	I'm like a fragile old woman.
	So you want to be like not sexual, but that's scary to me is like, I'm a dying battery of hotness.
	Everyone is a dying battery of fuckability.
	And like you can plug yourself into little like portable chargers here and there, but those are going to die too.
	And you're going to, you're eventually going to have to age.
	That's scary to me.
	Oh, that's been a very scary thing for me, even in the past few years, just getting older and feeling like, oh, yeah.
	First of all, I have to be an adult too.
	I got to do adult stuff, you know?
	Taxes and stamps.
	Yeah.
	And looking people in the eye when you talk to them.
	Oh, God.
	Yeah.
	Is that hard for you?
	I think all of that kind of all that kind of stuff has always been a little tough for me, you know?
	But yeah, I have the new thing of like on an airplane, I really like to like curl up in a ball like on the window and I put my foot up on the thing and I don't, I make sure not to disturb anyone.
	And I put a sleep mask on and I have like a, you know, jacket over my head.
	And I'm just like, I'm 38. Like this is not, this is not, that's an, that's a child's thing to do.
	Right.
	This is not okay.
	Like where I still want to behave like a little, like a child, like the eye contact thing, like sometimes I just don't want to make eye contact with people.
	And, and I go, that's a thing I did when I was 12 when I was scared to look an adult in the eye.
	Like, why am I still doing this?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I think it's all of those ghosts of being a child.
	You know, that's all we all become is just the haunted house for ghosts of our youth.
	Oh, yeah.
	I'm fucking so stuck at 15. Are you?
	That's like every time I talk to my therapist about like my fears about you have, I just have fears of like boys being mean to me and being like, if I reject a guy, they'll be like, well, I didn't even want to fuck you anyway.
	You're old and disgusting.
	Like they'll say the meanest thing back.
	Which we know guys that do that.
	Like this season of F-Boy Island, that's my biggest fear for these girls that like these three girls sign up for the show and then on the other side.
	And what is on their kids fucking each other by the beach?
	Yeah, man.
	That's pretty much like it's it's 13 and 13 nice guys.
	So 13 guys that are like looking for love and 13 guys that are like there just to like get the money because if you get chosen then you get money.
	You also get the girl.
	But then if you're an F boy and so you're there to like trick girls, but the girls don't know who is who.
	But my biggest fear was like these girls are going to eliminate an F boy who's been pretending to be nice the whole time.
	And then when they do, the guy's going to be like, I didn't even think any of you were hot anyway.
	Fuck this.
	I can go get, you're all fucking sixes.
	And that was my biggest fear.
	And these girls are just so hot that they, they're just like, and they have confidence.
	Like, and they're 10 years younger than me.
	So I just, I just assume anyone 10 years younger than me has less confidence than me.
	I've like worked hard to have the amount of confidence I have, which isn't much.
	But they don't care at all.
	These guys are so that will say the meanest shit.
	And they still like them.
	And no, they still, they're just like, bye.
	Whereas I would be like, he just said the thing that I've always thought about myself.
	Like, that's why I will not read YouTube comments on this video.
	I will not, I only read Instagram comments on my own stuff because it tends to be nicer, but I don't read a Twitter anymore.
	I don't read YouTube comments because I'm so scared a man is going to call me old.
	Like that's my new fear.
	That's only in the past like five years.
	That happens to everybody, though.
	It happens to everybody.
	Yes.
	Oh, yeah.
	But how do you feel when someone calls you out for the thing that like you think maybe no one's noticed yet looks wise?
	Does it bother you?
	I mean, it has to, but does it, does it like land you in a like I get super depressed.
	Yeah, I think it kind of hurts my feelings, I think.
	Or it like enforces fears that I have probably.
	I don't know.
	I mean, the things that I get probably most uncomfortable with are probably my hair, you know.
	That's crazy because it's so good.
	I feel that interesting.
	Yeah, I think so.
	You have a hairline.
	Every man I know, all they talk about is hair.
	I didn't have hair put into.
	You did?
	Yeah.
	Wait.
	It hasn't grown in yet.
	Well, it's just your own hair from the back.
	Yeah.
	Oh, my God.
	It's so good.
	And it hasn't grown in?
	No.
	I mean, you, you're, I know maybe you put work into it, but it's, it's paid off.
	It looks good.
	Oh, thanks.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	You have nothing to put on it.
	Things like that I get nervous about, I guess.
	I mean, I think being funny, I think the tough thing for me is like I went through like some pretty severe burnout a few years ago and I kept working and I didn't know that I was supposed to stop and my career was just kind of getting good and I'd worked so hard and I didn't know what to do and I didn't really have, you know, you talk to people and they're like, you got to strike while the irons, all this kind of stuff, you know?
	Yeah.
	And I'd always had a good work ethic.
	And so it was just like, oh, you just keep working, you know?
	Saying no to stuff is so hard.
	It was hard.
	And I loved, you gave me, when we talked to each other about doing this, I loved, I mean, we don't have to talk about, but you saying like, hey, just let me know if you're doing other podcasts so I can time it.
	And I was like, oh, yes, I don't have to do any, like I'm doing Theo's podcast.
	I don't have to accept any other podcast because I'm doing Theo's podcast.
	It's a reason to like, you gave me a reason to not have to do, because if I come to town, I'll just say yes to fucking everything because I got to just strike by the, I'm only here for a couple days.
	I love, you gave, you essentially tied me up.
	And I was like, oh, I guess I can't give you a hand job.
	I'm tied up.
	Like, it's, it's just a trendy.
	It's not free.
	It's not tied enough.
	I need boundaries.
	Yes.
	Yeah, we need boundaries.
	How do you say no to things now?
	Well, sometimes it's tough.
	You know, a friend is asking to be in his movie next month and I'm thinking about it.
	But then I just got off.
	You know, I've been touring for like 16 years and I just finally stopped.
	Don't you love when people are like, so what's this tour?
	How long is this tour going?
	And you go, the rest of my life.
	I just name it a different thing every year, but it never stops.
	Maybe I'll take a week off to go film something, but we don't stop.
	So you took.
	Well, I just finally, you know, I just said, I don't, I don't want to keep adding dates.
	You know, I had a huge date in Vegas.
	They were, it was the most I was ever going to get paid for a show.
	And I said, I just, I'm not doing it.
	I said, I just, I can't keep go.
	Because here's the thing.
	If I'm not feeling great when I keep putting myself out there, it's the same as.
	You're going to catch on.
	Well, then I catch on.
	It's like, it's like I'm just using myself.
	It's like.
	Yeah, you're like raping yourself, kind of like.
	My wellness, it's like, you know, God gave me these gifts to be able to feel comfortable and be humorous.
	And like, instead, it's like, you know, it's like whenever you got to the bottom of a bowl of a weed and some kid would keep smoking just like the dirty glass at the bottom.
	Like, Ernie, quit.
	Yeah.
	Fucking hitting this shit, dog.
	This shit's been empty for a month, dog.
	Get a job, dog.
	I mean, I do that with weed when I get, like every six months when I have to quit is when I find myself like smoking resin.
	That's what I was doing.
	I was just smoking just to fucking resin myself.
	Yes, yeah.
	I do that all the time too with stand-up.
	And then you're, you're bad because you're tired on stage.
	You resent that you have to do it.
	You're, all you're thinking about is when you don't have to do this anymore and what you're going to do afterwards.
	And then you're, the audience, some, they know, they know that.
	And then, yeah, maybe you might make the most money you've ever made on that one gig, but they won't come see you again because they go, I just paid so much and this was not.
	Not that great.
	Yeah.
	And so I'm trying to like, I'm just trying to make gigs fun because I know that if I went to go see my, like Taylor Swift, if I, if I had in the back of my head that she didn't want to be there at all, even 1% was like not feeling it, I wouldn't want to go.
	I want my performers to like have fun.
	That's why I do not go.
	I don't like going to see plays because I feel like I would be so bored doing the same thing over and over that I can't imagine they're having fun.
	Like on, maybe on opening night, but like on like a long, like Broadway, when they're doing months and months, I'm like, they can't change it up.
	At least for stand-ups or for like musicians, they can change up the set.
	But a play, I'm just like, oh, God, I, I project that.
	And now I know from talking to actors that they're like, no, I like doing the same thing every night.
	And it does change for me.
	But for some reason, I project like, oh, every night the same thing.
	Yeah.
	Totally autopilot.
	Well, yeah.
	And I can't enjoy it.
	Well, I think, and also it's a reason why, you know, I do this other podcast, King and the Sting.
	And it's one of the reasons why I have to take breaks from that.
	It's why I started having guests on here more instead of just doing solo because I was just getting burnout.
	I didn't want to put my not best self out there.
	And then also I want to be able to have the energy for the shows.
	That's the part I like the best, getting to meet people after.
	So it's like, you know, it's just like I had to monitor, like, it's just been tough.
	And I didn't realize, I thought like, oh, you just keep going.
	People want to see you.
	I was a people pleaser.
	Like, I wanted, it's the same as like being at the lunch table when you're a kid and you like get your buddies to laugh.
	You're like, oh, I just want that.
	You know, this just keeps getting bigger.
	Well, this is all we ever wanted.
	And now people like actually like us and want to come see.
	Like, how could you say no to that?
	And also the meet and greets.
	Like, I love meeting fans.
	And at this point, it's like when you do meet and greets, it's not just like random people that just came to the club to see you.
	Like they're actually people that like you and like have good boundaries.
	Like I like my fans now, but sometimes I'm like, you got to understand I can't do it.
	I want to meet you guys, but it's just, it's too exhausting.
	And you, I wouldn't want to meet someone who didn't have the energy.
	I would never want to put out someone that I was a fan of if they didn't want to do it.
	Right.
	Like I, and it makes me mad when people are like, you canceled the meet and greet.
	I'm like, do you want to meet me when I'm tired and I don't want to meet you?
	Is that, don't you wish I would cancel that?
	I'll give you your money back and I'll love to meet you another time, but why would you want me to do something I don't want to do?
	Yeah.
	But it's hard because I do want to do it.
	Sometimes I'm just like, God, can I just go to a town and do meet and greets?
	Yeah.
	Because a show and a meet and greet is, and then do a two show night.
	That's four shows.
	I know.
	It's a lot of energy.
	Well, that's a weird thing.
	It just becomes, well, it just, it's a lot of like putting yourself out there.
	You know, and it even goes back to what we're talking about in the beginning.
	It's like, how much of me I got, yeah, I just kept putting myself out there until it wasn't even about whatever I had.
	I quit feeling like myself a couple of years ago.
	I'm just starting to get moments where I feel like myself again.
	Good.
	But yeah, it's you it's just fear, you know, a lot of fear, and you don't want to let people down.
	That's another thing, being a disappointment and being and being forgotten.
	You think, oh, if I don't take this show, you know, your agents will be let down, and then the people will be let down, and you might be forgotten.
	And someone else is going to be doing stand-up that night, and they're going to get this much better than you because they had one more gym session.
	Because it's like going to the, doing stand-ups, like going to the gym.
	So not doing sets every fucking night, which is why I moved to St. Louis because it's not like a comedy town.
	So I'm not like, there's not places I'm dying.
	There's not great places.
	There's clubs there, but it's a little bit of a far drive.
	I moved there to get away from the pressure of doing stand-up every fucking night because I come here.
	I'm here for five days and I have like five sets every night because I can't turn them down because, you know, I don't, I, because it's a gym session and because it's a, like, I'm going to get better and I can't stand passing up an opportunity to get better and to be loved by strangers.
	Yeah, I feel you, man.
	It's that quiet hole, you know?
	Yeah.
	And then feeling like, oh, well, they don't really know me, even though I'm so honest.
	I mean, you're so honest too.
	Like the fact that you can even say like, oh, I've gotten an escort this many times.
	It's been like that kind of stuff.
	People don't talk about it.
	And they rely on us to talk about it so that they can go, oh, maybe I'm not a bad person because I've gotten an escort.
	Okay, Theo has two.
	Like that shit is important for us to share, but there's some times where I'm like, man, pull it back a little bit.
	No one, people don't need to know this.
	And you have to, I, there are very few things that I keep private, but I have a couple now.
	But before I was just like, anything, I'll say anything.
	And I don't even know if those things that I've deemed like private, if there's not a time where I'd be like, this is just too good not to share.
	Yeah.
	This podcast isn't going well.
	Let me just toss this one out, this gem.
	Oh, yeah.
	You know, like.
	I had a hooker one time, an escort, you know, or a bit, you know, I think, I don't know if she was.
	We should bring that back.
	I like it.
	She might have had an S Corp, actually, too.
	I have no idea what her business abilities were, but she came over and just made me ended up making like a carrot soup at my house.
	Oh, yum.
	That's naked?
	She was in.
	I wasn't attracted to her when she got there.
	And I was doing drugs and everything.
	I remember I had on fucking like this headdress kind of thing.
	Somebody had like this, I'd been to this tribal, I did a casino show and they made me a headdress.
	Nice.
	So I had that bitch on, dude.
	I was geeked up out of my brain, bro.
	You know what I'm saying?
	So she made a carrot soup.
	She just saw a cuisine arn and some carrots.
	Yeah.
	And she thought she wanted to take care of you.
	She's like, yeah, you got an hour.
	You don't seem like you're doing well.
	I was like, how can you tell?
	Indoor Native American.
	What's giving you that clue over here?
	Was that the one good experience, the one nice one?
	What's giving you that clue?
	The headdress and the bloody nose?
	Jesus Christ, Theo.
	I'm so glad you're 90 days.
	And she made the, but none of that was even.
	Those are just kind of some of those times are kind of fun times.
	Yeah.
	I mean, they're great stories.
	Thank God for all that.
	Yeah, that's true.
	And now somebody ruined the cocaine.
	You can't even do it.
	Oh, no, you can't.
	That is a thing.
	Man, I never got into cocaine, but that's got to suck.
	If some, you know, I'm into weed.
	I'm into like, oh, I'm sure.
	There's part of you that still wants to fucking risk it.
	Because that's another thing about it.
	It's like, oh, you don't think I'm willing to fucking risk it all?
	Yeah.
	I mean, fentanyl is basically, you know, it's really the Alex Trebek of fucking dope, you know?
	It's like, you know, it's like saying, this is the five.
	Do you want to put it all on the line?
	How are, you know, it's a Pat Sayjack of drugs or whatever.
	It's like, are you willing to risk it all?
	You know?
	It's suicidal.
	It's like, it's Russian.
	That's another way to look at it.
	Yeah, it is.
	But I know what you're saying, man.
	Like, I have a compulsion.
	I have a compulsion with the Lord.
	Well, listen, like, sometimes I, like, I have a compulsion to cut myself.
	Like, I only did it once in my life, but there's sometimes that I just feel a certain way and I just really want to cut myself.
	And I don't do it because I know that I'll have to live with the consequence.
	That's not something that I can, like, erase.
	There'll be a scar.
	There'll be something.
	I never understand that with women.
	I don't know what, I don't know what it is either.
	It's for me, the only time I cut myself was when I got caught shoplifting and I didn't get in trouble for it.
	They let me go and no one knew about it.
	And I had to, I had to punish myself.
	I don't know what it was, but I had never had the compulsion.
	I didn't understand cutting.
	I remember Lucy did it on Seventh Heaven and I was like, what is this?
	And for some reason, it was just exactly what I needed.
	And I just went to it without even thinking and I did it.
	Yeah.
	And man, I mean, I have so, so many people cut themselves.
	It's a very common thing.
	And it's a, I, I feel the desire often.
	Instead, now I just Google people who cut themselves to hear about their stories and read about it because not so I can like watch it happening and feel like, oh, I'm doing it.
	It just, I think that it just helps to see people that feel as sad and fucked up as you do and just know you're not that weird.
	And so sometimes like it's soothing to me to just like watch videos, not of people doing it, but of people talking about it.
	Same with suicide.
	I mean, I think that's the same thing of like, I like, I see in your eyes when you're like, sometimes I just want to fucking risk it.
	Like, so what?
	Like, I feel the same way about suicide for me.
	It's like, I think about it a lot.
	It's my go-to response when I'm feeling sad about myself or about the world.
	Like I get, I just think about killing myself.
	And it's like literally soothing.
	Like I will just go to bed and just like smile thinking about the option.
	And I'm not going to do it.
	I know like I've made a pact with myself as much as you can.
	Never going to do it no matter how much I want to.
	But man, that like just.
	That doesn't sound safe though, Nikki.
	No, I know.
	That's why I talk about it because if I don't talk about it, that's when it can get out of control.
	But I feel like if I'm honest about it, I've never attempted it.
	I've never planned anything.
	I've never written a note.
	Like I've honestly have you written a note or not?
	No, no.
	I mean, the first step would be cleaning my apartment and like getting my affairs in order so that my parents wouldn't have to like deal with that stuff.
	And even that is like, that's really, I mean, I used to have a joke about it, but honestly, a lot of times my apartment's so messy.
	The idea of even like my mom would have to deal with my death and have to like clean my apartment.
	And like the EMTs would arrive and see like, look at this.
	Jesus Christ, you lived like a fucking hoarder.
	Like that judgment on the other side of my death, I would need to already be in a case.
	If I'm killing myself, I'm killing myself in a cash.
	Yeah, I want to make it like as easy for people, but that's not possible, and it's never going to be easy.
	And I will literally never, it's no, it's not possible to make it easy because you will always leave behind people that it's not emotionally easy.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	It's never going to be no matter how much you think people are going to be better off without.
	Like, take it easy, Bub, you know, sorry, or whatever.
	Yes.
	No, they're not going to be like, all right, I'm going to take it easy since he's dead.
	But so many people think like, oh, they'll be better off without me.
	You know, like, that's the thing.
	And like, it's committing suicide is a disease.
	It's the end of a disease.
	It's like, you know, stage four.
	It's like, it's a terminal illness.
	So no one like, I don't ever blame anyone who commits suicide because I feel like they really don't have a choice.
	That was.
	No, they're trying to relieve yate whatever pain is inside of them.
	Yeah.
	And the pain is in them so much, they're like, the only way to stop this pain is to stop the where it lives, which is inside of myself.
	You know, it makes sense.
	Yeah.
	But it's.
	But let's talk about something else.
	Is it okay?
	Oh, please.
	I'm sorry to even get on that.
	But I just want to say that like if you have thought, if you have thoughts like that out there, like seriously, it's, it's a part of a disease.
	Your brain is like fucked.
	You're not, because I would get into, whenever I get into that, let's take it suicide at that.
	Any negative thought about myself, sometimes you like believe, I believe like, oh, this is the truth.
	Like sometimes I don't want to take my antidepressants because I'm like, they're lies.
	I really see the truth and I don't want to feel better because this is the truth.
	The world is shit.
	Climate change.
	I'm old.
	No one cares about me.
	I'm not funny.
	I'm not like, I'm not that interesting.
	I, no one really loves me.
	And I know that if I take a pill, I won't feel those thoughts.
	But sometimes I'm like, then you're just dumbing yourself.
	But really, I have a sickness.
	I have the flu for my brain.
	And I'm thinking that the flu is like right and it's not.
	Oh, that's interesting.
	Yeah.
	So if that helps anyone, or maybe if that makes anyone feel worse, please call someone.
	There's always someone that will talk to you about how you feel.
	Yeah.
	I mean, it's hard to tell in every moment on a, like, if you're helping people or hurting them, you know?
	But that's just.
	I think that's sharing the shit like as dark as it is.
	I think it's got to help.
	Because whenever I find people like talking about stuff and I go, oh, their life is probably perfect.
	Not that anyone ever thinks that my life is perfect, but I just find that I always want to know when people, I just want people to be more honest about how they struggle or insecure.
	You know, sometimes I look at girls and I'm like, project so much perfection onto like these models.
	I'm like, God, they never get sad.
	Their homes are probably so clean and perfect and their skin is just glowy all the time.
	And I just am so jealous and so resentful.
	And then I hear that they like hate the way they look.
	And part of me goes, fuck you, bitch.
	You hate the way you look, you model.
	But then I don't know.
	At the I kind of feel like it, it actually helps me because I go like, well, this is just a sickness because clearly this girl is like, she's not of the right mind.
	So maybe I have a little hint of that.
	Yeah.
	Maybe I'm not seeing myself clearly.
	Well, I think that's what's really interesting is that as much footage and everything as we have now of ourselves, that we don't see ourselves clearly.
	Dude.
	Somehow we've lost this huge perception of what even the value of being human.
	I mean, I think it almost goes back to like we were talking about about the moment.
	It's like it doesn't feel like we're enough anymore.
	It feels like even, I thought about this the other day.
	It feels like it used to feel like 20 years ago, if you died, it would really mean something and it would matter and it would really have like a longevity to people.
	And now that doesn't really feel it feels like people would get over it pretty quickly and the world would move on.
	That's what it feels like.
	It feels like so much faster than it would have, even those closest to you.
	And not even because they would want to, but just because of how whatever's happening to us as a species.
	Yeah, you got to move on.
	And you do.
	No, you do not have to move on that quick if one of us dies.
	No, you don't, but like you kind of do because what do you, you're never coming back.
	If I die, dude, I'm renting out a holiday in for like seven years.
	People can come there whenever they want and think about me or look at maybe leave images or something in there.
	People can come look at them.
	Maybe leave like a little, you know, a little replica hand with no fingers on it, you know?
	Yeah.
	And people are going to beat themselves with it.
	I don't know.
	But here's the crazy part.
	I bet after like a week, nobody would even come.
	No.
	For anybody.
	No, you're right.
	For anyone.
	But I think that.
	For anybody.
	I mean.
	I mean, I just recently went to Columbine because I just, I don't know what happened my freshman year of high school.
	It was very just, I was just morbidly curious, I guess, about it.
	I was, I've always been fascinated by it.
	I read a few books about it and I'm like, I'm, I love, I don't, I hate to say I love Columbine, but like the way that some women are obsessed with murders and we go, oh, they're murderistas or whatever.
	And it's like, cute.
	That's you.
	That's me.
	But for like, for Columbine, 9-11 a little bit, like I'm, my high school was bookended by Columbine 9-11.
	And so like, but I went to Columbine and I, it's so weird to go to this place where this like, this thing happened, go to the memorial that is on kind of right off campus.
	And it's just like, no one else is there like memorializing it.
	Like I thought there would be like crowds, but it's just like, no, this is the, the students that go there don't even think about that.
	Like maybe they do, but it doesn't seem like it was like in the air there.
	It's like they've moved on and I'm still like, how is everyone here?
	Like, I just thought that everyone knew that I was there to like check out where things happened and no one cared.
	There was, I saw a cop car and I'm like, oh, they probably patrol this area so that people don't come and like, you know.
	And he's not just, no, he's just like a cop car at a high school, like any other.
	He's a new for directors.
	They got a new Duncan put in around the corner.
	Yeah, but people move on.
	Yeah.
	And I remember one time a friend of mine died and I was, I had too much, I had a busy week and I had too much going on.
	And I remember thinking, I can't, I can't cancel this thing that I have to be happy for and like on for.
	And I just put a bookmark in my feelings because I go, he's never not going to be dead.
	I can do this later.
	Wow.
	Like I, it doesn't need to happen now.
	I can literally just save this for later.
	And I just didn't feel anything, completely shut myself off to the sadness for a few days and was able to do that because I just rationalized like, I have all the time in the world.
	He's never coming back.
	Like, so I think that's killing him by later.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	That's what everybody, everything feels like that now.
	But I wonder what happens as a society if you get all those unprocessed feelings and all that.
	I don't know.
	And I think we're just learning too, you know?
	And also we store everything now in this third party.
	There's like a third party to existence.
	It used to just be you and God or, you know, you and the universe.
	Oh, now there's the cloud.
	And now there is this other, yeah, there's this other kind of mirror, but it's also like a mirror that has, you feel like somebody's behind it with a control a little bit.
	You mean like your social media presence?
	I just mean all of this, everything, us recording it, you know, all of it, how we record everything.
	Yeah.
	You know, it's like, I'll record this and then I'll watch.
	We never watch any of it later.
	It never means it's like, it's like the moment.
	I don't know.
	It's just something about the moment used to matter more to us because we didn't get so many of them.
	Now it's like you can open your TikTok and get a thousand moments from other people and look at them all and whatever.
	And so the moment doesn't have as much pictures.
	Like we used to take pictures and like you get them developed and it was an event to get them back.
	And now we don't even print pictures.
	We don't hang pictures up.
	They're just in our phone.
	And that was and then, yeah, half 99% of them will never make it out.
	Never be seen again.
	And it's like, it's just.
	And then we're all doing that instead of being, you know?
	I sometimes look at my own Instagram feed.
	It's like we all work for Sony kind of.
	We kind of, I mean, I think we do.
	I think that's, or whoever owns Sony.
	But it's like, sometimes I look at my own Instagram feed and I'll get jealous of myself.
	I'll be like, God, she's like, I'll forget I'm almost looking at myself and I'll go back far enough where it seems like a different person's life.
	And I'm like, God, she has it all.
	She's killing it.
	And I'll have that moment of like, fuck, I'm doing it to myself.
	Like, so when I do it to other people, it's got to be a lie because I remember that day I was not happy and I look like I'm killing it.
	Oh my God.
	She does everything.
	She's so busy.
	She works so hard.
	I start getting like threatened by my past self.
	And then I always run the risk of like when I post something like, I don't want to look like I'm like, look at me, but I also need people to look at me.
	Yeah.
	And I'm always mitigating this like, I hope people don't think I think I'm cool, but I also want people to think I'm cool.
	But you can't like my biggest fear that I always think is like, I just don't want female comics, mainly female comics, to screenshot this and text it to each other in a mass text of like making fun of me and being like, look at how sweet she thinks she is.
	She looks, she thinks she looks hot here.
	Isn't that sad?
	What is she?
	What's going on with her?
	Yeah.
	That's what I think about.
	Really?
	You think about that, huh?
	Oh, yeah.
	Like my peers, my funny peers who I look up to, you know, talking about me because we do that.
	I mean, and when I do it, it's always when I'm threatened.
	It's always a girl showing her body in a way that I'm like, oh my God, I say, I say, oh, this is so sad.
	But really, I'm like, I wish I could show my body like that and be that free and like not care what people think.
	Who is more threatening to women, you think?
	Other female comedian women or other men comedians?
	I think it's a totally different thing.
	And so it's kind of hard to compare the two because it's such a different kind of threat.
	But female comedians, like we, yeah, we definitely are threatened by one another.
	And I think it's podcast is more conversational nature of what we're doing now and sharing.
	And like, it's made me a lot more open about like my insecurities and being able to tell Wick, like, I need to mute.
	I need to mute you sometimes.
	Like, I need, I'm, sometimes I, you know, telling Taylor Tomlinson, like, I, like, I sometimes don't watch your clips because I don't want to know how funny you are because it makes me feel insecure.
	Or I like, I, I, being able to say, it's so embarrassing to say that, but like, it's just true.
	And it's not, and it's not helping anything.
	But yeah, I think that we, I know, yeah, there's tons of female comics that have, I mean, my biggest, uh, my, the worst interactions I've had in comedy have been with female comics.
	Like I was pretty badly bullied what, like, in stand-up when I first got into it, like almost bullied out of comedy when I first started and just looked up to this girl that was on the scene.
	Like only wanted to be her, had nothing but reverence for her.
	Did not even consider that.
	I mean, I was not a stand-up that like thought I was good when I first started.
	I was not one that was like, hey, asking the headliner to watch my set.
	Like I was embarrassed because I knew I was bad because I just started and I knew that I was going to get better.
	Did you work with the girl or no?
	You know, we were in the same scene in St. Louis and like she was the top dog on the scene.
	So funny, a little bit older.
	And she just hated me, just hated me, thought I wasn't funny.
	And then she also thought Tommy Johnnigan wasn't funny.
	He was, we were kind of like the two young comics in St. Louis.
	And that's when I knew like, oh, I'm probably funny because if she thinks Tommy's not, Tommy's just, I knew Tommy was funny.
	So I was like, oh, she just thinks anyone who's funny is, isn't funny.
	So that, that made me feel better.
	But she, she just like spread lies that I slept with people for stage time.
	And I was a fucking virgin at the time.
	Like I literally had never had sex.
	And I was, she's saying I was sucking dick for stage time.
	When I was turning down stage time, I mean, there were guys, there were headliners that came through and they would offer me guest sets because they probably liked me and I was funny enough.
	But, you know.
	Have you ever blown an Indian guy before?
	No.
	No.
	Why?
	I don't know.
	No, I haven't.
	Not yet.
	Bucket list.
	You got to get out there, huh?
	It's weird.
	Sometimes I think I feel like I can't even, I never, I feel like Indian people don't even have penises.
	I feel like I never even like even in porn.
	I never even.
	Yeah, I guess I don't see much Indian representation in porn.
	They don't.
	Indian people.
	Yeah, it's like I can't even imagine.
	I can't even imagine an Indian guy with a penis.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	I can for some reason.
	I'm like, I'm into it.
	Yeah.
	What else?
	We want to go through a couple of news topics.
	I'm trying to think if there's anything else we want to talk about.
	I feel like we covered everything.
	Did we?
	This is good.
	I mean, not like everything.
	It's been a good conversation.
	How do you think it's been, Zach?
	All right?
	Oh, yeah.
	You're about an hour 40, right?
	Would you like to tell us the truth, Zach?
	Would you ever be like, this was not your best?
	And then just take it out later.
	I don't think you would.
	I would tell you the truth.
	That's be good.
	Okay.
	No lols at all.
	Okay, that's good.
	Still don't know if I'm believing.
	No lols, like no lols.
	Yeah.
	L-U-L-L.
	Yes, yes, yes.
	Okay.
	This is a story we were talking about.
	You were talking about DMs earlier.
	Nozier Cat is calling out Noah.
	This guy from Stranger thinks he plays Will.
	I guess she DM'd him trying to hook up with the guy who plays Eddie on the show.
	If you're familiar.
	And he shared their DM thread, and she called him out saying it's kind of weasel shit.
	Isn't this kid 17 that she DM'd?
	Yes, but she's DMing him.
	About.
	With the guy who plays Eddie's.
	I still think it's like.
	I mean, he's a child, so don't get mad.
	And also.
	It's a little strange.
	Just DM the guy that you're into.
	This is the guy she was trying to hook up with.
	Looks like Winona Ryder.
	Okay, I don't watch this show, but...
	I can't read that.
	What was her first?
	Noah, can you...
	You tell Joseph to hit me up.
	Wait, no.
	Does he have a girlfriend?
	And he goes, L-M-A-O-O-O, slide into his DMs.
	Okay, is IG on Twitter or Twitter?
	He doesn't have a DM to slide into.
	Okay, so she would have.
	Oh, and then he sent her it right here, ma'am.
	See this one?
	Oh, he called her ma'am.
	Ouch.
	That is cold.
	And I think it's strange she went through a why do you because sometimes people will do this thing.
	They will say, hey, what about your friend?
	But they're really.
	They're really going after you.
	Oh, no.
	That was my first thought, too.
	I don't want to make any accusations.
	I'm not making accusations.
	I mean, that stuff's just very realistic.
	How old is Doja Cat?
	They got a writer name.
	TMZ loves to say, or they got a writer age.
	These publications love to say a woman's age.
	Doja Cat is.
	26. Okay, 26. Sorry, that's...
	And she also may not have known how old this guy is.
	Yes, maybe, but give it a goog.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I think, oh, do you ever worry about that girl screenshot and your stuff?
	What girl?
	Because just any girls like you DM, maybe, like, you know, fans.
	Yeah, I've never seen.
	I'd never have sent anything really in obscene or nothing.
	You know, my buddy, I used to use a dick pic for, you know, two times I sent it, but it was my buddy's, my friend Jason.
	Oh, that's good.
	Did it look like yours enough that it was like, okay, to use?
	Or were you just like...
	I need a dick pic.
	Hey.
	Yeah.
	And like, hey, can you, you know?
	And he's kind of.
	He's 17. And he's looking for work.
	He's 17. Well, let's get some real news.
	Is there any cute adult news going on?
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah.
	So Elon's walking away from his Twitter deal.
	Twitter's threatening.
	What a waste of all of our time.
	How can we get this guy buying it?
	Really?
	Why?
	He's having twins, apparently, with someone.
	I know one of the people who works for him.
	How efficient is he if he's having fucking twins, dude?
	You got to respect that guy.
	Efficiency.
	Two birds.
	Yeah, I was just annoyed by this.
	This is like when people say they're retiring and then come out of retirement.
	And I go, we wasted so much energy talking about you buying Twitter and now you're not.
	It's like, God, can I get that time back?
	I know.
	But it's like, you got to set Twitter free.
	It's just way too far left.
	Like it just caters to way too much of one side of all views.
	I feel like it just seems like a, because here's what I was human.
	He's going to make it better.
	I hope he doesn't.
	I hope he gets it and then just kills it.
	Oh, that's.
	Yeah, you're right.
	I mean, I would, I'm already pretty much done.
	Because print is kind of dead.
	Yes.
	So once that's gone, what are we going to do?
	Then it's just going to be video stuff.
	I just think it leaves us in a better spot because that's the only place you can easily go and just get all these other like quick replies and like thoughts from people.
	It's like, you know, the other social media platforms, there's not as, it doesn't seem as easy to do that.
	It's like, you know, you could pull some comments off of Instagram feeds, but that doesn't feel like things don't catch fire.
	Right.
	Ideas don't catch fire as quickly as Twitter.
	Right.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	You're right.
	That's a good, that's an interesting perspective of he would have run it into the ground.
	Yeah.
	And now that's not going to happen.
	Right.
	And then I don't know if there's another one that gets people's like where they can quote people as much and as easily with print.
	And so then it like kind of sets us free from all that.
	So I feel like the best thing that he could do, Elon, if that's even your name, which it probably isn't, but is buy it and kill it.
	You know, you know, what do they say?
	Kill birds or whatever?
	Or don't, I don't know what they say, man, but do it.
	What else do we have?
	Oh, we got the Roe versus Wade, you guys.
	They overturned Rover's.
	Wait, was there more news?
	Yeah, I mean, Louisiana is one of the places where they just put it in.
	They had a.
	They banned it?
	Yeah.
	Same with Missouri, where I live.
	I'm shocked kind of that this happened.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	It's sad.
	I, for the first time ever, like, I hearing people say, you know, don't tell a woman what to do with her body.
	Like the people that believe abortion is like literally killing a baby, like, I kind of see their point.
	If you believe that it's a baby at a certain point, like late-term abortion, I don't think any, I wouldn't be for that.
	And I'm very pro-trading.
	And how late do they do it?
	I mean, if it's real.
	There should be a line for sure.
	If it can smile or something, I think you can't do it.
	I don't know how they see that.
	I think if it can smile.
	You know what I'm saying, though?
	Like, if it can, like.
	Yeah, I mean, there should be a line, but then it's like, okay, if you miss a day before that line, is that not like what when is what's the fucking line?
	But there needs to be one.
	But I do see for the first time when, you know, people, people on the pro-choice side are saying, don't stop trying to control a woman's body.
	I mean, I believe that that is what they're trying to do, but I think that people that are pro-life, a lot of times, they just think you're killing babies.
	And I kind of, Sarah Silverman used to have, I think, a bit about like seeing little girls with signs outside of an abortion clinic, you know, picketing with their parents.
	And these little girls literally think they're in there stabbing babies, which is like, of course you would be against that.
	So I don't, I don't blame people that really think it's a human life and are against that.
	But I really think this is about like wanting to punish women for being sluts.
	Like it's like you, you chose to, you wanted to fuck someone.
	And I don't know.
	This is me kind of going a step further.
	I think men want to punish women who don't fuck them.
	So, oh, you want to fuck someone other than me?
	You're going to have to keep the baby then.
	You stupid slut.
	I think it's punishing women for being sluts.
	Men love sluts when they're sluts for them, but they fucking hate sluts when they're sluts for other men.
	And I say sluts as like, that's not what I'm calling them.
	That's what I think men think.
	I don't know who you're talking about.
	Yeah.
	Men think women just love dicks and them so much when really we have sex with men a lot of times, not because we love dicks in us, but because we want men to like us and to protect us and we want to give you guys what you want.
	What does it feel like?
	Does it feel like you're having like your, like you like after you've eaten dinner, does it just feel like that, but in your vagina?
	Oh, like stuffed, like literally like Thanksgiving.
	Like, um, sometimes if you like have a lot of stuff in you, but no, it does not feel like, it does not feel like you're like, oh, I'm going to throw encouragitating.
	No, it feels like, I guess you just like don't know what it's like.
	I'm not trying to feel like anally.
	I'm just trying to think about it.
	That's the only thing that we can share is what anal sex feels like.
	That's the only thing men and women can go, I know what you're talking about, which I kind of like about it.
	Is that why you think women and gay men get along well?
	No, but that is interesting.
	But I do, I do like, I, I do like talking to gay men about anal sex because I enjoy it.
	And I like talking about like, isn't it great?
	And no one like fucking knows how great it is.
	And you guys like have to do it because you don't have anything else, but like also like you're not doing it because you're like, I guess this is all we have.
	Like it literally feels good or they probably wouldn't do it.
	But they should be able to find another way to do it also, dude.
	They can redesign a damn fucking living room in a heartbeat, but you can't.
	They don't need to find another way, dude.
	It feels so good.
	Well, then that's fine.
	Yeah.
	It really, like, if you find a way to make it work, it can really work for you.
	Yeah.
	I um not interested?
	Well, I remember they had this group for a while.
	It was like trying to get, they had this gay group in our area that was trying to get, it was like, we want to know what it feels like to have a period or whatever to like to partner with women.
	So they would wear in tampons in their bottom.
	And for like four years.
	That's not what it feels like to put in a tampon.
	Yeah, it was crazy, man.
	And they were like trying to get, you know, get people on board with that.
	I was like, dude, I ain't doing that.
	No, I would not suggest that.
	That would be a dry tampon.
	Like, there's nothing worse than putting a tampon up your vagina when you're not bleeding.
	It's like dry.
	That's what it would feel like up your asshole.
	That's terrible.
	Yeah, this guy.
	Yeah, this group was.
	No.
	This group was idiots.
	They weren't even, I don't know if they even had a flag or if they were sanctioned or whatever.
	It could have just been some pervy gay dudes, you know?
	I cannot believe that that's a thing.
	Like in solidarity.
	Oh, yeah.
	Really?
	All right.
	Oh, my God.
	They used to have a lot of fun.
	I'm trying to think of what it feels like.
	They used to have a group called, I've talked about this before, but they used to have a group called FAG Fist Fights, right?
	That would come to the bars in Louisiana.
	It was gay men, and they would come and fight and fist fight, and you'd pay to go watch.
	Wait, okay.
	So they would, but it was it just like boxing?
	Yeah.
	Gay boxing.
	And you would pay to go watch it?
	Yeah, we'd go there and drink.
	You'd go and drink and watch, you know?
	And it was erotic.
	Were they enjoying it in an erotic way?
	Did you think it was like a sexual thing?
	They were beaten.
	If there was anything straight left in any of them, I think they'd beat it out of each other.
	Was it like a self-hating thing, you think, as gay men?
	I don't know.
	Because they couldn't be themselves.
	I don't know.
	It reminds me of this kid that I grew up with, and he dated this gal who I think was a lesbian, probably early lesbian, you know?
	And he would always, he had like, she would like bruise his penis up and it would like, he would always show us, and it was like, dude, I don't think.
	She likes that.
	Yeah.
	Fuck.
	Never heard of anything like that.
	I mean, she was bruised.
	I mean, yeah.
	This kid Bradley, and he used to be a referee.
	Did he like it?
	Because there's something that I'm saying.
	I think he was happy that somebody was touching his penis, but I think he wished it was somebody else.
	Oh, man.
	Yeah, it looked like she had just, you know.
	That is the thing about penises.
	Like, you just asked me what it feels like to have a penis in you.
	Like, you don't, you can't understand what that feels like.
	And you even said before, like, just loitering with the, you know, having a penis between your legs.
	Like, that is wild to me that you guys have that just like swinging all the time.
	And that also the thing that blew my mind about penises when I first encountered them was that they go, I thought a boner just was like 90 degrees.
	I didn't know they could go like all the way up.
	And I love that they can just be like, I love a flaccid penis.
	I love playing with them.
	I think they're so fun.
	I like to just hold them when they're flaccid.
	And I know guys don't like that because it's like, oh, I'm small, but I just love, I just think they're so fun.
	Well, I'm laying down.
	If I squeeze my penis for long enough, I'll go to sleep.
	It's comforting.
	It's good.
	Yeah.
	It's good.
	The same way I think women do that with our tits.
	Just like hold it.
	The guy just gets to go do this.
	And it feels like I get why that is exciting to men.
	And I just get to do it in my mind.
	Well, it feels like you're holding on to like the chain of life a little bit.
	You're like hugging, you're nurturing yourself.
	Like, again, I didn't get touched enough as a kid, I don't think, and I, in the right way, you know?
	Yeah.
	And so.
	Yeah, same, I think.
	Let's look at a little bit more.
	Yeah, so if this starts to happen, though, if they shut down the what's going to happen, do you think?
	Like, how do you see that playing out?
	Just women getting them illegally.
	Right.
	It's just going to be something for the elite.
	They're just, or, and they're just going to do it in unsafe methods.
	And so there's still going to be abortion, but it's just women are going to die.
	Streets back.
	All right.
	Fuck, that is so fucking funny.
	It's going to get risque out there.
	Die streets back all right.
	Honestly, that makes me feel so happy that out of all of that, all of this that makes me so sad, you can make that joke.
	And like that wouldn't exist without this happening.
	And I'm grateful that that joke can exist.
	It doesn't make it worth it, but that, that fact that I'm always, I'm going to tell everyone about this joke and that will bring a little bit of joy to this very scary time to just go back streets, back.
	All right.
	Damn.
	Yeah, with this abortion stuff, man.
	What if they start going back to those way?
	No, it's so.
	Yeah, I've never had one and doesn't look like I'm ever going to be able to, I live in Missouri, so I can't get one anymore.
	But I, you know, you just, I'd be, I'd find a way.
	So people are then going to drive across state lines to get them.
	If I needed to.
	So it's going to be like little abortion wagons or whatever.
	Like it'll see like a train of just like spent broads rolling through town, you know.
	You know, just like legs hanging over the side of the thing.
	It's just like, we're taking them all up.
	Yeah, we're taking them all up north, you know?
	It's not breaking.
	I know.
	Oh, man.
	Yeah, no, you can go to like...
	Oh, my God.
	Oh my fucking God.
	There's just going to be Greyhound buses full of freaking, just breast milk leaking out the back of it.
	Just charter, just like the fucking gestation charters, LLC, just like all kinds of crazy LLCs opening up.
	Just trucking these freaking.
	Just trucking these cock serving brands.
	You're contributing to the narrative.
	Oh, look.
	It's so sad.
	It's ridiculous, man.
	It's like, have you ever had a scare?
	Have you ever had...
	I don't.
	No, like, I won't even have sex two times in a row with the woman because I don't want the possibility of, since I got off a first time, of any more semen getting in there.
	Oh, my God.
	It's like you're like buying two lottery tickets.
	You don't want to double your chances.
	Oh, yeah.
	I don't want to single my chances.
	Whoa, dude.
	Do you pull out?
	Is that your way out?
	Do you use condoms?
	I don't know.
	I don't regularly use them, but I have used them for sure.
	Yeah.
	I mean, I use them when it's necessary.
	Yes.
	Yes.
	Man, but you're rich now, man.
	If I like jumped off a building and landed into a vagina on the street, I would use a condom.
	Okay, but like, do you worry that girls are going to try to keep it in, try to find the cum, put it in them?
	Uh-uh.
	I go.
	I'll go to, I'll, I'll.
	You know, Drake puts hot sauce in his condoms.
	I'll keep it far away.
	Oh, I'm from Louisiana, dude.
	I wouldn't be shocked if people have done a lot of that shit.
	I wouldn't be surprised if some of the booyah bass out there.
	You got to worry about that shit.
	I know, man.
	Girls do crazy stuff.
	I just don't even want to ejaculate anymore.
	I just don't even know if it's safe in this.
	It's probably best for your mind not to.
	Like, it fucks you up.
	Go back to my old neighborhood and just yard out for dad.
	Yard out for dad.
	I can help.
	I mean, your dad's still alive?
	No, no.
	No.
	Okay.
	God, I really want to get to the bottom of what that reasoning was.
	Just giving it back to the earth.
	Yeah.
	It wasn't about shaming you, though.
	It wasn't like, don't you fucking do this again.
	No.
	He just said that's God's.
	He put it back.
	Oh, fuck.
	But that's how it is.
	My love's come.
	But yeah, what do you think will happen?
	Would you go get one still, you think?
	Or would you do you think it's going to create?
	Because I guess if the idea is that I get how religious people, I get if they are overtly religious and devoutly religious, I get some of their, like you're saying, I get their mindset.
	I can understand people's mindsets on it.
	Yeah, right.
	I can too.
	I can even understand the mindsets of the men who are just like, God, women, if they really were able to harness their sexuality, they could destroy us.
	We should probably fucking put some sanctions on this because, you know, Bill Clinton sacrificed.
	Think of what Bill Clinton sacrificed to get a blowjob.
	Like, really think about that.
	Because his balls were full one day and a flirty skirt walked by the office and he sacrificed everything that he had worked so.
	He got to the top position and he put it all on the line for a blowjob and then another one and then a fucking cigar up a pussy.
	Like if women were really able to harness what we could do to that power, how defenseless men are to wanting to come, we could take over the, like, that's some powerful shit.
	So of course I'd want to control that if I were a man and saw my livelihood and my sense of power and self being threatened by women and their bodies.
	I'd want to fucking try to, if I was a bad person and wanted to like a selfish person, a narcissist, I'd want to control that.
	I even understand that logic.
	And I think that's where it comes from.
	But some guys, I think, honestly, he also was just in the White House.
	I think like he just got in the Oval Office.
	I think there's something about guys, like if you just get into a new room, it's like you want to kind of ejaculate in it.
	Like, dude, I'll stay at a Hampton Inn, bro, and I'm not in there 40 minutes before I'm like, I got to spill out in here.
	Wait, you just said you don't like to put out your, like, you, but you want it out.
	Oh, I'm talking about as a child, you know?
	Right.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	But as an adult, I think as a man, you're, you're like, you know, I'll.
	Stake your claim.
	Yeah.
	Oh, dude, I'm 75 minutes.
	You know, where's the most common hotel room based on when you have common hotel rooms?
	Comforter, like the top sheet, no, on the floor, I think on the floor, okay, good to know.
	What do you think?
	Yeah, I would think, like, I would just like if I were even myself, I just kind of like smear it on like the pillowcase or so, like wipe my hand, like on a pillow I'm not using and just like something I know is going to get washed.
	Oh.
	Or like a toy, I'll just like rub it in the sheets.
	Dude, one time this girl had stayed over with me at a hotel, this awesome girl, and she had gotten her menstrual cycle.
	Yeah.
	And I didn't know, I had to go to the cleaning lady and say like, hey, you know, I don't know what to do.
	Do I pay for this?
	You know, that's nice of you or whatever.
	You know, oh, they got it.
	They don't.
	And she was like, I don't know where she was from, another country, right?
	And so I didn't know what, I was like trying to like, I was like, the, and I was just like, how does he, you know?
	Yes, yes.
	And I don't think she understood.
	I did give her 20 bucks.
	Yeah, yeah, that's good.
	Throw 20 on if it's messy and looks like a crime scene.
	Like, yeah, hush money.
	So what do you think is going to happen?
	Because I was in Santa Monica the other day having breakfast with my friend, who we've talked about having a kid together also.
	And she, oh, and a parade went by, a get out of our pussy parade.
	It was like a protesting parade.
	Yeah.
	And it was really cool to see people protest.
	It was real crazy.
	That was really cool.
	Is it get out of our pussy talking to men or talking to the baby that they have in there?
	It's a good question.
	Okay, so a parade's going by.
	You're with this lady that you might have a baby with as and as friends.
	I like it.
	Okay.
	And yeah, this lady kept going.
	I mean, there was a lady just screaming, get out my pussy.
	You know?
	Get out my pussy.
	And I was like, I could not even imagine anybody ever being in this lady's vagina ever.
	Yes.
	But I'm not saying that it hasn't.
	And I'm not saying I have no idea what her life is like.
	But I was like, whatever, whatever gets out of her pussy, I wish it would get into her mouth because this lady is a fucking god.
	Yeah, sometimes it's like, I think that women get so mad that they feel like it's like trying to silence us and, you know, put and control us.
	So like, what's the opposite of that?
	Being so loud, being so offensive, like doing, doing the opposite.
	Like, I don't know.
	When I was, I was on the road with Bert when Roe v.
	Wade got overturned and I had already had planned on taking my shirt off at some point on the tour with Bert as just like an homage to Bert, just like a funny thing that, because he kind of joked, like, it'd be funny if you took your shirt off.
	And I was like, oh yeah, like, I never do that.
	But I was like, I would do that.
	That's kind of funny.
	And then Roe v.
	Wade got overturned.
	And I don't know.
	We were in the South and it was kind of like, I think I told someone on his tour, like, I might like take my top off.
	And they're like, you have to cover your nipples.
	Like, like, it's, we could go to jail.
	Like, you could get arrested for that.
	And for some reason, that like, so Bert can show his nipples, but I can't.
	Like, it made me mad.
	And I kind of, and I ended up taking up my shirt.
	And it was just to make Bert laugh and like make everyone laugh.
	But it was like, there was something about it being naughty and being like, it's, first of all, I didn't want anyone to think I was doing it because I want to like look hot or like want to titillate.
	I was really doing it for laughs and just a fun thing, but it felt a little bit like, fuck you.
	Like, sorry if you, if you're turned on by me or if these are like a burden to you.
	Like it felt like a fuck you in a way that it didn't intend, kind of like a bra burning.
	Like, I'm going to be loud and proud.
	And like, sorry if this makes you uncomfortable.
	Sorry if there are kids here.
	Look at my fucking tits.
	And I, I had a bra and it was totally covered, but there was something about like, man, if I wanted to take a mushroom off and show my nipples, I couldn't.
	That's kind of weird.
	That is weird to me that like, that's super weird.
	They, there's like, they've, um, on TV, I think there was like a, a trans person getting top surgery.
	And they like, you know, as they're before surgery, flat chested, uh, pre-op, they show the whole nipple and everything.
	The second they put an implant in, blur, like the second it becomes a woman's tit, not okay.
	And there's just, and I get it because it is distracting.
	Like we don't want to turn men on and like they're, they're, I'm not, I'm not saying but yeah, I really do feel like there's something in me that's like, man, I want to fucking do a topless special, not because I want to be like, look at my awesome tits, but to be like, fucking deal with it.
	And if Bert can do it, and it is freeing.
	It's fun to take your shirt off on stage.
	There's something so vulnerable about it.
	Like we were talking about stripping.
	There's something like, I don't fucking care what you guys think of me.
	Take me in.
	Look at me.
	I like myself.
	There's something.
	Yeah.
	There's, there was something about it that wasn't, look at me, I'm hot.
	It was a little bit of a fuck you.
	And I don't know how to define that, but I think I had something in common with that fucking woman screaming, get out of my pussy.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, that is funny when you go.
	I don't even think you could carry a child at your age.
	But like, I like it.
	No one's talking about your pussy and they haven't for a while.
	But I like that you're so upset about it and you're making, you're ruining my lunch.
	That's, you know what?
	And now that I, now that I hear you say that, I'm like, you're right.
	You're like, if you're going to protest, it has to be.
	It has to be annoying.
	Right.
	It has to be in your face.
	Like, I always, I'm vegan and I post vegan shit all the time.
	Then I'll say this.
	That lady did a fucking good job.
	Yeah.
	We're talking about it now.
	Like it's making it because as a vegan, like I, I fucking used to hate vegans.
	They're so annoying.
	I thought they always thought they were better than us, constantly reminding us of like animal suffering, putting things in your face that you're like, Jesus Christ.
	And then one day it fucking worked.
	They got through.
	They were annoying enough that I go, honestly, I can't deny this anymore.
	I got to go vegan.
	So I, I post it all the time.
	And it is a little shamey of like, listen, I was once you two.
	I used to think this way.
	I used to be in denial of it.
	But tell me, watch this video and try to eat a pig today, later today, and see what happens.
	So because it worked on me, people being obnoxious, I used to make fun of vegans.
	I used to fucking hate them, resent them.
	Oh, God.
	And now I'm one of them.
	And it's Because they were so obnoxious.
	So you got to be loud.
	That's a good point.
	You got to be loud.
	You got to be annoying.
	You got to have people hate what you're doing because otherwise you're not going to get noticed.
	Yeah.
	Especially these days.
	But it's hard because all I want is to be liked.
	I don't ever want to be annoying.
	I hate that.
	I know, huh?
	I never want to be people think like she thinks she's cool or like she thinks she's.
	Yeah, I just, I, I, and it's, it's, you know, it's ironic because I talk into a microphone for a living and no one else can talk and I make, make people listen to me, but I'm so scared of people thinking that I'm annoying or that I want attention or something when clearly I fucking do.
	I know.
	That's fascinating.
	Well, it used to be a different level of manageability before there was social media stuff.
	It was just like, I'm good at my craft.
	Come see me do it.
	And now every time you put something out, there's a risk that it's like maybe they'll see that I'm not and they won't come see me do what I'm actually good at.
	I don't post any stand-up clips.
	Literally none.
	I've done three hour specials, four half hour specials.
	Like I have hours of stand-up.
	I could be all over TikTok.
	I could kill it with my clips.
	I cannot put them out there because I'm scared that they're going to look closely and see I'm actually not talented.
	Whereas if you just see trailers for things or you see pictures of me doing stand-up, who knows?
	I could be the fucking, I know I'm funny.
	I know I kill.
	I, but then there's a, a part of me that thinks I'm a imposter, you know, and that I'm a charlatan, that I'm tricking people.
	Yeah.
	So, and it's scary for me to even admit that because I'm like, please don't go look closely.
	Please, just, just think I'm funny.
	Like, don't go analyze it.
	I do the same thing to comics.
	Like, you know, you watch some comics and you go, God, this fucking guy sucks.
	And look at all his tricks.
	And like, I'm scared of people doing the same thing that I do.
	I got to work on what I do and my judgment of people.
	And then the self and then me worrying about what everyone else thinks will go away if I stop because I'm just doing, I'm scared of doing, of people doing to me exactly what I do to them.
	Damn.
	Right.
	Yeah.
	Look, I appreciate your honesty.
	Were we ever going to date?
	I don't think we ever were.
	We never even talked about it, huh?
	No.
	And it's like, but I've always like just, I mean, you're the funniest fucking person and you're real as fuck.
	And I love that you've taught, you're like, anyone who's in recovery and struggles with that shit, I'm like, so, I'm just like, so into it.
	And cause it's like, we have to operate on a different level of honesty than a lot of our peers.
	Like, you think you're honest, and then you get in recovery and you're like, well, I wasn't really being.
	And I think it's like carried over into my stand-up.
	I don't know if it helps sometimes, though.
	What do you mean?
	Because it gives you more stuff to evaluate yourself on.
	Like, or doing podcasting, sometimes it's like, man, now there's so much more like, you know, sometimes I used to think I was being kind of like, I'm sharing what's going on with myself.
	And then when I get really like judgmental, it's like of myself or like in fear.
	It's like, man, look at all this.
	I can't believe I did this to, like, I put all this out that, you know, it's like, I don't know.
	It gives like, it gives that fear another like punch of like, you shouldn't have done this, you know?
	Yes.
	You're too overexposed.
	And then they use it against you.
	Sometimes you'll get vulnerable and say something that you're like, you know what?
	I'm going to put this out there and share this thing I don't usually share because I'm with my friend and it just feels safe.
	And then you find that fans will watch that.
	And the second they get, they, they, they start using it against you.
	They'll say like, we're worried about you.
	Are you suicidal again?
	Like you said you were on Rogan or like, and then you go, or they'll, you know, yeah, I just have found that sharing too much, I forget I share certain stuff and then it comes back to haunt me with fans just knowing too much.
	And they don't, they shouldn't know things my only my best friends or my sponsors know.
	But for some reason, I'm giving them that.
	Why?
	And why wouldn't they feel close to me?
	Of course they would.
	They're listening in their ear to me say like things that their closest friends don't even tell them.
	Of course they feel like they, they're worried about me.
	I hate when people worry about me, man.
	Oh, yeah.
	Isn't that the fucking worst?
	Yeah, it's like, I'll fucking worry about me, you idiot.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I worry about you.
	You don't know me and you're trying to get closer to me by, and I get it.
	I've been worried about it.
	It's like, I'll fucking worry about me.
	You know, it's like, I'm the one who worries about me.
	That's where my thought is.
	It's just like, I've worried about me this long.
	I don't need you to come do it.
	That's where my thought goes.
	And it strikes me as pity and it strikes me as someone like talking about me behind my back.
	Me being like a, I don't, I don't know.
	I just like growing up in high school and having like an eating disorder, always having people having meetings behind your back of like, what are we going to do about Nikki?
	Like, and then finding out later, like the whole school is meeting about me and all my friends are having conferences with my parents and like that kind of stuff.
	If you'd have been eating one wiener, nobody would have said, you know what I'm saying?
	There's nobody.
	They would have done a demo in the fucking living room in front of our parents.
	But there's no conference about that.
	No, there's never.
	You're starved from nutrition.
	People are like, we got to discuss this.
	Yeah, it was getting too hot.
	But you're out there carving up on freaking little Henry's nutbag.
	Nobody says a word.
	Any more news we got to discuss, Zach, or what?
	I mean, you kind of hit the big hits.
	I can pull something out.
	The big hits.
	We got Doja, Doja Cat Slime.
	And that Rover.
	I just wonder if it's going to go all the way through.
	I wonder if this is also becoming a thing where it's like everything's kind of not working now.
	It's like the airlines aren't working, right?
	Like everything that the post office doesn't work anymore.
	It's like every kind of like the environment.
	Right.
	Yeah.
	Like the air outside.
	It's so, so hot.
	Yeah.
	And this is just the beginning.
	It's fucking scary.
	Everything's breaking down.
	Yeah.
	And we're all kind of just like pretending that it's not.
	We're joking about it.
	We're like commenting on it here and there, but it is terrifying.
	Things are fall.
	Like it's like it feels like, or also things are just kind of going along and there's so much media that is about fear.
	That's where, that's what I can't, I can't figure out which one it is.
	I think it's probably a mixture of both, but I think for, I don't know, it's, I really don't want to read about the climate anymore.
	There's no good news.
	There's never any fucking good news about polar bears.
	There's never an animal news story that like makes you feel good.
	There's maybe like that dodo account or whatever, and you read about a rehabilitated pit bull or something, or like a fucking donkey who's friends with that.
	The other day had of two parrots killing a cat on Twitter.
	Yeah, I mean, it's just fucking unreal.
	It's so hot.
	Thinking about having a kid, I'm sorry.
	I'm s.
	You can't not have a kid because it's so hot.
	You can get your fucking lazy ass off.
	You can't not have a kid because it's too hot to have a kid.
	They're not going to be able to go outside and you're going to have to hang out with them all the fucking time.
	That's what, listen, this isn't about me being like, my child will never get to experience a safari and get to swim in the ocean.
	It's like, I'm just, I don't want to deal with a child during like the end times.
	And I don't, I don't want to go.
	I don't want to be around a kid 24 hours a day in a fucking bunker without electricity.
	That would suck.
	Would suck me.
	Get out of my bunker.
	Yeah, that's what I would be yelling.
	Dude, those are the kids we need to get rid of, like four-year-olds.
	Who cares about the damn zygote?
	I'm like, have you spent 40 minutes with a two-year-old?
	We need like a two-year-after pill.
	Dude, that's the motherfucker I can't.
	Yeah, I want to adopt like a teenager.
	Yeah.
	I think I'd be a great mom for like an eight and up.
	I want to talk to kids about life.
	I want to like listen to their feelings.
	I just, I can't.
	I don't want to play.
	I don't really want to play.
	I don't want to go outside.
	It's too fucking hot.
	Too hot to adopt.
	That's your new special.
	That has to be your new special.
	She has a new special coming up on HBO Max.
	It's called Good Clean Filth.
	It comes out July 16th on Saturday.
	It's on HBO on Saturday, July 16th.
	And then it'll be on HBO Max.
	And then, yeah, F-Boy Island season two.
	F-Boy Island season two.
	Yeah.
	And I have a daily podcast.
	And a daily podcast too.
	Yeah.
	Monday through Thursday, Nikki Glazer podcast.
	Wow, it's daily too, huh?
	Yeah.
	Because weekly, I don't know.
	Every time they would come up, I'd be like, oh, God, fuck another.
	Like, it would just, it would feel like I do one and then be like, yes, I get a break.
	And then the next one would just show up.
	And I'd be like, God.
	So I was just like, just make this every day.
	So it's not something you dread.
	It's just the way life is.
	And I love it.
	It's my favorite thing to do.
	Yeah.
	It's good.
	I'm grateful that you're here.
	Thanks so much for that.
	I'm grateful that you're here.
	Thank you for having me, Theo.
	I really appreciate it.
	So fun.
	Nikki Glazer.
	Now I'm just floating on the breeze.
	And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
	I must be cornerstone.
	Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.
	I can feel it in my bones.
	But it's gonna take a little time for me to step that for me to step that park.
	Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song I will sing it just for you And I've been looking
	Moving way too fast on a runaway train with a heavy load of past.
	And these wheels that I've been riding on, they're once so thin that they're damn near gone.
	I guess now they just weren't built to lay.
	Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
	The answer may shock you.
	Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
	Sometimes I won't.
	And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
	You have three new voice messages.
	A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
	I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
	So great.
	Hi, Sweet.
	Is it there?
	Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
	John.
	I'll take a quarter potted with cheese and a McFlurry.
	Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
	I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
	Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
	Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
	Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

▲