Theo is back with another solo episode. He talks about his experience with Father’s Day, his upcoming tour in Florida, President Biden’s bike riding skills and more. He also responds to some of your voicemails and takes a call from a fan live.
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Music: "Shine" by Bishop Gunn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek
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If you're a father, if you have fathered something, if you'd ejaculated out of your body and it grew up somewhere, then that means you, Bubby.
That means you're a daddy, you're a dad, or a stepdad even now.
They got that second string dad, that backup, the Mark Brunel of parents, you know, that stepdaddy.
And a lot of those men will get mustaches as well.
A lot of time you see a stepdad gets that, you know, it's like the sheriff's badge of stepdads.
It's that mustache, baby.
That dirty word curtain, baby.
You know what I'm talking about?
That mustache.
But yeah, Happy Father's Day to everybody.
If you did it and if you enjoyed it, it's a nice day, I think, for commemoration.
You know, a nice day to stop and look at the, just, you know, really think about the ball bag you came out of.
You know, and it's interesting that God and Mother Nature use a ball bag to get you out into the world.
It's kind of exciting, really, to think that the first thing you did was flew out of somebody's wiener.
It's like going for a damn jog right out of just, you know.
I mean, that's crazy.
It's crazy when you think that the first thing you ever did was, you know, that you flew out of somebody's penis, bruh.
That's, I mean, this, it's real brave of you.
It's adventurous.
It's damn brave of you.
So next time if you're looking at, you know, a mountain, you know, climbing up something or doing a water slot or you're like, I can't do it.
Okay, man, baby, you know you can.
You know you can.
You know, my dad was real old.
My dad, he was a senior citizen when I was born.
And, you know, I have some memories.
I wish I had more memories of him.
That's what I wish I had.
And when you're real young, you're not thinking about making memories with your dad.
You don't think about, you know, it's the dad's more his responsibility kind of to think, let's make some memories together.
And, yeah, my dad, man, I remember he used to do this game too.
He would put us on our belly, you know.
My dad would put me on my belly on the ground or on a carpet, indoor ground.
And he put change.
He'd get as much change as he had in his pocket.
And he'd put it on my back.
And he'd say, okay, if you could, you know, turn, if you can get up and without any change falling off your back, you can keep the change.
If you can kind of turn around and get, and, and it's impossible.
I never could do it.
And I would get furious and I would never get any money from him.
And he also never even underneath paid child support later on.
So, you know, so it's happy Father's Day, guys.
We'll get into it.
You know, a lot of, I know a lot of you guys are fathers out there.
And congratulations.
And I hope you enjoyed your day.
I hope you felt loved by your family.
And let's see what the world has for us here, gang.
We'll be right back.
Come on, baby.
That classic, baby.
Amen.
I'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could I be so far from my home.
Amen.
And my mind is somewhere else.
when i find it i'll patch up where it's been Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.
I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking brake.
And let myself unwind.
Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine on me.
Come on.
And I will find a song.
I will sing it just for you.
There we are, baby.
That's Shine by Bishop Gunn.
And you know that that's really the national anthem of this podcast.
You know that right there.
That's the damn national anthem of this podcast.
What's going on?
What's good in the world?
We're coming up on summer solstice.
And that's that long day, baby.
That's where the day, I mean the day, just had that extended cab.
You know, that's where the day really just stretches its legs out.
You can see the clock doing yoga over there.
It's getting long.
That summer solstice, baby.
You look in the distance, man.
You'll see Dracula or wolves or any type of nighttime animal.
You see them over there looking at their watch.
They're like, I should have, you know, am I late for work?
You see any nighttime creatures or critters.
You see them looking at their watch.
Man, Come on, man.
I must be late for work.
Because the day really just punches the nighttime right in the damn night deck.
And that's what happens, baby, because the day just does it all that it can on that summer solstice.
That thing is long.
It's a long day.
It's a good day to spend time with somebody you care about to do a little something extra.
You know, if you usually just go right home, there's not enough time.
You go, hey, let's take the long way home.
Let's drive by and see something.
See something or do something.
Go check a sunset.
Take a little ladybird out there with you to the sunset.
Touch on each other a little bit.
Do something right.
Let the cops pull up.
What are y'all doing?
Touching each other.
All right.
Sometimes if you tell them honestly, they'll just drive off, you know.
Guy, I remember one time pulled up on me.
I was over there by a lake.
And the cop pulled up.
He's like, what are you doing?
I was like, feeling on some tits.
And he drove off, bro.
He honked twice as he drove off, too, bro.
Damn, pervert.
Creep.
Probably still employed over there.
Probably sheriff now.
What's happening, man?
I'm going to Florida this week.
And so I'm excited about that down there in Florida.
Anything could happen down there.
A lot of danger bears out there.
You know, that's where they, you got people, you know, just you got people down there eating their own lips and stuff.
You know, it's real Florida.
It's just a lot going on there.
You have people, some people don't even, can't even use prepositions.
You'll meet somebody that can't use any prepositions and they'll have somebody with them that does only uses prepositions.
And they'll start talking.
And then they pat the person on the back when they need a preposition and that person will say a preposition.
You just get some weird people down there pairings, you know.
It's really the Bermuda triangle of genetics down there.
A lot of people just gargling their own tongues down there.
You know, a lot of you, you know, you punch somebody in the back and a damn Percocet will fly out of them.
You don't know what's going on.
You'll grab somebody's wiener made out of fentanyl or something.
You know, it's just, you just have so much possibility there because so much drugs could float in on the banks.
There's so much bank, you know, that the water really gets to molest that whole state almost.
You know, and when you got water just sucking on the sides of your land, you know there's going to be a lot of, that's really, that's almost, you know, the beach is kind of like, it's almost like the water giving the land a BJ.
If you look at it, it just keeps kind of.
So, you know, Florida's about to pop off, dog, because the way it's just getting, really getting slurped on by the Atlantic and the G of Mex over there.
Praise God.
But I'll be down there in Hollywood, Florida this week.
So if you know anybody over there near Fort Lauderdale and Myama, come down there to Hollywood, Florida, Fort Myers, Florida.
That's on this Friday, June 24th.
Hollywood on the 23rd.
Then Daytona Beach over there.
A good day to just smoke cigarettes until your tits cave right into your damn body.
Like a lot of, you know, you see a lot of that out there.
A lot of adult women that look like Dog the Bounty Hunter over there in Daytona Beach, Florida.
And then Lakeland, Florida on June 26th.
I'm excited for all of that.
We also, we got these new t-shirts in and a couple of other styles.
Be good to yourself.
Summertime colors.
Banana, salmon, and more.
Theovonstore.com.
What's happening with me?
I went to a bona fire yesterday, a bona fire.
Somebody invited me.
And it's just anytime somebody invites you to a big bonfire, you got to really wonder if they're trying to be around Satan or not.
Because there's all, you know, they always do a little extra at those things.
People start, you know, once they start the bona fire, somebody, people start throwing other shit in.
People, you know, let's burn, let's burn it.
You know, and then somebody drive back to their house, gets all their ex-wife's stuff and brings all that shit.
I mean, people throw it, you know.
And then somebody, some dude goes and gets his ex-wife and throws that.
And, you know, it's like, damn.
It just, it creates a lot of havoc sometimes if somebody does a bonafire.
Yeah, Father's Day, man.
I remember, you know, my dad wasn't, my dad was around, but he was, I don't know, I was just so young.
You know, I was just so young when my dad lived with us.
My parents got divorced when I was seven.
And after that, my dad would try to come over on the weekends and drive and see us.
But he was getting older.
He was 77, 78 at that point.
And so he started hitting stuff on the, you know, he had to drive about 30, 40 miles to get to us.
And he would hit stuff and they'd have to, you know, say, hey, can't come.
He hit this or he hit a ditch.
And then it would escalate ditch, car, you know, not embankment, but, you know, he hits, you know, he just, and then finally he just couldn't really come and see us that much anymore.
But yeah, I have some fond memories.
You know, my dad, he would smell like beer sometimes.
And I like, you know, sometimes I remember that a little.
And my dad liked to whistle.
He would whistle a lot.
And his eyes would water.
He would be whistling and his eyes would be kind of leaking.
And because he was just old.
And I'll be like, you know, I always thought he was sad, but he just old.
Because when you get old, your body just starts, you start crying out of, you know, everything.
You know, you just start dripping.
If you walk up to an old person right now and hand them like a towel or something or Kleenex, they'll say thank you and they'll dry something off.
That's just old people, they leaking, bro.
You go up to an old person right now, you give them a little towelette.
You know, a little French towel or a little gay towel or whatever it is.
You know?
You know, I think that's a towelette, huh?
If it's trying to bang other boy towels, bro, that's a towelette, son.
You know that, praise God.
But you give a towelette to a senior citizen.
I still dry something off on the spot.
They leaking, bro.
They leaking, man.
What do we have?
In the news, Joe Biden off his bike.
Couldn't fall.
Dude can't ride a bike that good.
Get him off the bike.
Get that man off of the bike.
Y'all know he's a senior citizen, man.
And that's as much citizen as you can get.
That's it.
Okay, that dude is right, you know.
That dude's hanging out right there on the Lord's doorstep, dude.
If the Lord had a ring cam, you would see Joe Biden's on that thing.
So don't tell me he ain't just, he ain't, he ain't about dead, okay?
And y'all putting him on a bike.
And you should be ashamed of yourself.
His wife, too.
Whatever her name is, Ronald Ron.
I don't know what her name is.
But you don't put that man on a damn bike.
You don't put a senior citizen like that on a bike.
And if you do, put him in that little seat in the back and let somebody tough out there drive him around.
But damn, bro, they put the man out there.
Just fucking crazy, bro.
Dude trying to do stunts and whatever he's doing.
It's just, I don't like the way they parading that man around.
He's just something's, you know, he's not well.
He's mentally getting older.
And he just, you can't do it.
It's not fair.
I'm sure other countries look at him and they're like, damn, bro.
So I just, it's just time to stop, you know, to me, it seems sad that we keep putting him out because he don't seem well.
And I think he's brave because he keeps going out there, but damn.
Get that man off of the damn bike.
Jeepers.
What if somebody walked up and put your granddaddy on a bike right now?
What would you tell them?
Get him off the bike.
That's what you'd tell them.
But yeah, he fell off his bike.
What else we got here?
More than 2,800 pounds of cocaine disguised as potatoes.
Dang, boy.
Let's get some potatoes.
Dude, that makes me want to eat potatoes.
Hello, potatoes.
Bruh, dude.
If potatoes is cocaine, I mean, you can have somebody, you know, you're going to have your little cousin overdose on a damn waffle fry, you know?
Somebody, you know, somebody got fentanyl grotten.
And, you know, and now you got to be at a funeral.
Somebody going to get their order supersized and hit the strip club, bro.
It's a dark time.
You get pulled over by the cops.
You're like, only had two fries, bro.
I only had two fries, bro.
Fuck, man.
I need it help.
It's just, man.
Home fries are going to be called halfway house fries.
That's going to be it.
That's going to, because look, man, you have too many of them, bitches.
You're going to be living with about 11 dudes you never met, bunk bedding it and doing meetings three times a day.
It's different times, baby.
Oh, this is an interesting thing I saw.
A Google engineer who thinks that the company's AI has come to life.
And he's now a former employee.
And he said he was using their new interactive program and that it seems a lot more sentient.
There's a lot more human characteristics when he's communicating with this artificial intelligence.
And that's kind of like, I mean, how long before, because once, as soon as these things learn to think and really think and know how we operate, they're going to start talking shit, bro.
How long until you're making a piece of toast, bro, and your toaster tells you to go fuck yourself?
Huh?
You're trying to get a little carb square in you and that thing says go F off, bro.
How long until you go to your refrigerator, you try to open it and it calls you fat or it calls you skinny or it just calls you a little bitch, bro.
And it have nothing to do with it.
You're like, what?
I'm trying to get a damn Capri son, bruh.
Damn, bruh.
And it's like, that's bitch liquid.
That's bitch liquid.
Like, dang, you know?
That's when it's going to get weird.
And you, you know, whether you're using a sexual toy and it makes fun of your crotch or whatever, your butt, if you a gay fella doing it.
How long?
That's just, that's going to be strange, man.
When you get in a car and it tells you to walk and then it drives next to you while you walk and calls you a little bitch, bruh.
Or calls you a little F god.
You know what I'm talking about.
You know, or calls you a little soft, a little softy.
That's, you know?
And then it starts doing that thing where it stops and says it's going to let you in and it kind of opens it.
And then as soon as you run up to get it, it takes off and just keeps stopping like that shit.
But that's going to be where we at, man.
That's right around the corner, bro.
That's all it takes, dude.
You know, just one rogue, you know, blender, the dishwasher to ruin a family secret.
You hanging out, you know, you walk through the kitchen and it's like, Tom is a pedophile.
You know, Marjorie got a sex change.
Like, damn, bro.
I'm going to try to make me a little ham sandwich, dog.
And the secret.
Dude, as soon as these things know what's going on, get out the wrapping paper, baby.
Because it's a wrap.
Okay, I want to say that, you know, I lose my sunglasses a lot.
I've lost probably almost, I would bet $950 worth of pairs.
And I don't want that to happen, but I still want to have quality.
And that's where Gooder comes in.
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Yeah, you could take them with you.
You go on a run.
You're going to a benefit or something.
Somebody passed away or something.
You go on a fundraiser or there was a fire or something at a fire at a bakery.
And you're going there to raise money for them over at Uncle Jeff's bakery.
They can do it.
They can help.
Gooder.
Wear good glasses if you're at a fire, if you're at a fundraiser, if you're on a fun date, if you're even just going to lay there with your body.
They are $25 active sunglasses for anyone 100% polarized over 40,000 five-star reviews.
Man, they tasty, baby.
Here's the pairs that I picked out right here.
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Get 15% off when you use code Theo at checkout.
You know, I get tired of drinking coffee.
It makes my neck hurt and it makes my legs sweat a lot.
That's why mud water is a coffee alternative that I've been using.
It has four adaptogenic mushrooms and Ayurvedic herbs.
It has one seventh of caffeine as a cup of coffee.
So that's what I noticed.
I get actual energy.
It gives me a slight pickup, but that feels manageable to me.
Coffee to me sometimes feels, I get the gyration.
You know, it doesn't feel as smooth, like it just fits with my system.
It feels like it attacks my system.
And I don't get that crash off of it.
Mud water don't give you that crash.
Each ingredient was added for a purpose.
They get cacao and chai for mood, lion's mane for alertness, cordyceps to help your physical performance, and turmeric for soreness.
Dang, they're doing it, baby.
I love it, man.
You can have cinnamon in it.
It's got that little tint.
It's got, you can put a little bit of honey in there, nut milk.
Yeah, you can put whatever, any, you know, milk, whatever you want, and put it in there.
Damn, goat milk, whatever you want, whatever you could, you know, these days, you know, whatever you can squeeze something out of, get it in there.
Mud Water is whole 30 approved, 100% USDA organic, non-GMO, gluten-free, vegan, and kosher certified.
Dang.
It's got all the merit badges, baby.
Mud Water allows you to build a morning ritual that promotes sustained energy without the crash.
That's why I think you should try it.
Go to mudwtr.com slash theo to support the show and use code theo for 15% off.
That's mudwtr.com slash th-h-e-o to support the show and use code theo for 15% off.
What else?
A woman was charged with a felony after spitting on a corpse in casket at a funeral home.
Hmm.
Let's see about that.
According to an arrest, Lori Hines walked into a funeral home in Tyler, Texas, walked straight up to the casket and spit on the corpse.
A witness at the scene, a snitch, said Hines had animosity towards the family of the person in the casket.
She was arrested.
You know, I think at a funeral, you know, if it's open casket, I think it's really, people should be able to come and have that last little interaction.
And sometimes it's a positive one, sometimes it's not.
Sometimes, you know, you see somebody put a little Hauda Doral cigarette under somebody's arm or put a gum in their mouth.
You know, you'll see some dirty lady come up there and rub the dude's wiener one time.
Hit him with that dirty genie real quick.
You know, wishing for, you know, once more.
But I think everybody should, that's what, you know, if you got the passerby, everybody, come do get your last thing.
I don't think you should be able to punch, but I think, you know, you should be able to probably, I don't even know if spit, maybe if you spit on his clothes, I don't think spitting on the, you know, I don't know, maybe if they wear a shield or something, like one of those plastic COVID shields, then you could do it.
I don't know.
But I think, you know, a little bit, one more, even if somebody calls you a little puss, you know, I think something like, it's like it's still, it's interaction.
It's your last hurrah.
So I think getting a little dose or whatever is okay.
And you're at that time, if it's still open, baby, that's a time capsule.
I feel like that's a time capsule, you know, and people can come by and put in their affections or put in their angst.
You know, she could have wrote a letter, an angry note, but sometimes you don't have time to write an angry note.
You just clear your throat and that's, you know, and just mail that bitch right to them.
Short distance, baby.
That's really the same thing as an angry note, I think.
So, anyway.
All right, let's take a couple of calls here.
What do we got here?
Kyle from Indianapolis.
What's up, Kyle from Indianapolis?
And I've been over there before, Indianapolis.
Good place, man.
I've relapsed over there.
Onward.
I was just wondering the dilemma lately, man.
On the road a lot.
And sometimes I got to, you know, take care of business.
But I just, I don't enjoy pooping in public places.
So, you know, I just wanted to get your thoughts on, you know, the home sport advantage versus an away game, you know, if anyone else is having that issue.
Yeah, brother.
Look, thank you for calling, man.
And I'm sorry you're even having to do it.
You know, your body can only hold so much food before it gives up.
And it has to do a BM.
And there's nothing, you're not doing anything wrong or anything.
You're not a bad guy.
You know, you're not a, you know, you're not a, you know, a little wuss or whatever your neighbor calls you.
You're nothing like that.
You're a regular guy, and you just had too much food over a certain period of time.
And yeah, I think one of the major issues is back in the day, men would, they worked close to where they lived.
You know, a man worked at the bank and he lived four blocks from the bank.
You know, and that, you know, that's a close amount.
That's a shitter's distance, they used to call it.
So a man could go and do a BM at home.
Or sometimes a man would even have a camper and they do it in a camper.
But now, yeah, you're, you know, or, you know, so people worked near where they defecated.
And so now, though, you have men flying around the world and traveling and being, you know, you fly across the world and sell cement to somebody.
You know, and or you, you know, you do it, you, you know, you drive down the damn, you'll drive over there to Boise and sell them some cabinets or something.
And you're crapping the whole way there and back.
Crapping in other people's lands and other people's territories.
And yeah, and your body gets nervous when you get further from home, too.
You know, it used to be, there's like an old wives tale, if you read a lot of like Native American literature or about some of their habits.
If they walk too far, if they had to do a BM, it would be their body telling them nerves would do that.
So they would even defecate around an area and then come back just to, if they went near there again, the scent would warn them this is an uncomfortable territory.
So there's a lot of stuff built into that, man, and I'm sorry you're dealing with it.
And, you know, I'm the kind of guy, I will usually kind of plan ahead.
And that's what I think you should do, bud.
Get your little timer or put a little, you know, do a little BM timer or something.
Dude, my grandmother, whenever I would go to the, anytime I'd go in the bathroom at her house, she would beat on the door and ask me if I was doing a BM or not.
And I just think that's just the, that's just insane to ask.
Just, you know.
Dude, I'll tell you, I got this crazy story.
So I was in Seattle one night and I ran into the bathroom and there's a guy working in there, right?
There's a brother in there in the bathroom.
And so I run in there and I had to do a BM.
And it was one of the guys who works in there.
You know, he's got cologne.
He's putting a mint on you.
And, you know, and it just does all of that.
Towels you off.
The dude will fucking hug you for an extra dollar.
All of that shit.
You know, five extra dollars, he'll call you the N-word.
For 10, you give him, slip him 10, he'll call you the N-word.
And so anyway, I run in there.
I'm, you know, I'm just, I got to go.
I'm far from home.
So I sit on the, I go in.
So the second I close the door, he's like, Don't worry, dog, I got you, bruh.
Like, what does that mean?
I got you, right?
And now I'm like, what the hell?
You know, like, I don't, because sometimes those guys, when you're washing your hands, they'll like put the towel out before you're done.
And now you feel like you're obligated to do business, right?
So now I'm just like, what do I, I got you, what does this guy mean?
You know, he's like, he hit on the door.
Don't worry, dog, I got you.
All right.
So anyway, a couple minutes later, some guy comes in there and tries to pull on the door, right?
And this dude comes over and he's like, hey, man, my man's is in there.
Give him a minute, right?
And I'm like, fuck what?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know either one of these guys out here.
Right.
Bro, 30 seconds later, the guy is kind of banging on the door.
Like I didn't hear him just a minute ago.
Like I, you know, like I, I don't know.
Like I left through the ceiling or something and, you know, he's banging on the door.
And then the, the bounce, the bathroom, the shit bouncer, whatever this guy is, he pushes the dude and he's like, hey, bro, I told you, give my man some room, bro.
And now I'm like, what is going on, dude?
These guys start pushing each other, right?
So there's like a melee.
People come in there.
Security comes in there.
And the whole time, now there's like 12 people in this bathroom, bro.
And I'm still in there, dude.
Just far from home, bro.
And anyway, I don't know where that's, the story didn't really end.
It's just kind of, but it's just crazy when you have dudes fighting because you're trying to, you know, do a BM or do a poop out of your body.
So, what else do we have, man?
Let's take another call that came in.
A lot of beautiful calls here that come into the hotline.
Yo, Theo, this is Matt from Huntington Beach, California.
Love the show, my man.
Appreciate you.
You had me dying.
I just had to call in because I used to work at Disneyland and I can 1,000% verify that it is the horniest place I have ever worked by far.
Everybody is having sex with each other.
Gay, straight, it doesn't matter.
I used to operate all the rides in fantasyland.
So that's like, you know, Peter Pan and Alice in Wonderland.
Oh, yeah.
And at the end of the night.
Straights and gays.
You heard him, fellas.
And ladies onward.
You have to pair up in groups of two to walk through the ride to make sure that no one left a purse or, you know, there's not some lost kid in there or whatever, right?
So that is where everyone hooks up.
So people, like, if you're, if you think someone is, you know, cute or whatever, you know, you'll be like, hey, you know, do you want to walk through Peter Pan with me tonight?
You know, I see.
Bro, you know, it'll be the most embarrassing you come out and she's like, it's a small world after all.
And she's talking about your penis.
Okay, bad joke.
That's okay.
Thanks, Dad.
But yeah, that's what they're doing.
And you can smell it if you go in there early.
I bet you can still smell that musk from people being in love or sex, you know?
People doing sex straight and gay styles.
It's all in there.
And that's Disneyland, baby.
They'll do it.
Everybody's out there.
And they're doing sex by the rides.
So I would be too.
You know?
I mean, hell, I get a new damn dirt bike and I'll try and fuck near that thing.
So it doesn't surprise me, but thank you for that on the street intel boots on the ground there, Matt from Disneyland.
And it's a real fuck Mecca down there.
People doing sex and looking at each other's bodies and all of that.
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All right, all right, all right.
And it is Father's Day, man.
And, you know, it's a trying time for some, Father's Day, because, you know, life is what it is.
You know, I, you know, my father passed away when I was 16. And it was tough because I was going through those years where I was, I was, you're kind of, you know, you're teenaging.
So your body, your loins is popping and you got acne and you're trying to, you know, you're trying to just rock it, right?
You know, God, I mean, you could damn, you could clear your throat and have a bunch of dang semen in your mouth of your own.
I mean, that's how virile you are.
And so at that time for me, I wasn't, you know, I didn't have a strong relationship with my dad.
And I was honestly, I was kind of ashamed of him.
Or I was embarrassed.
I was embarrassed because he was so much older.
And I was embarrassed to him.
I remember one time I was on a date with a gal, beautiful gal.
And I was with her family, actually.
And we were at a restaurant.
And my dad was there.
And I introduced him as my grandfather.
I said, this is my pops.
I kind of like hid the word, like dad, and like kind of just disguise it so like they wouldn't know, but I could also then tell them it was my grandfather, you know?
And I just felt, I felt embarrassed about that for, I don't know.
I think part of me maybe, I don't still feel embarrassed.
I mean, I was, I was embarrassed about, I was embarrassed of him.
He was just so old, you know, it was just embarrassing.
You're at those age, those years where you want to be so on your own that it's hard enough having a parent, you know, being like having a parent right there.
And then even tougher is if the parent doesn't seem like everybody else's parent, you know, so.
But we've had some calls, man, recently of people that have struggled with that it might be a tough Father's Day for them.
Let's get into a couple of those.
What's up, Theo?
This is Michael, living out of Eugene, Oregon.
Amen, baby.
Eugene, Oregon.
And they've never found him, dude.
But they still got a place named after him.
Praise God.
I'm just calling.
You know, I've just been down.
I lost my father last September.
He was only 58. Actually, COVID is actually what took him.
But it's not really COVID.
He was battling cancer for three years without any of our knowledge.
He never told me about it.
I'm really angry and emotional.
Like, it's taken me months to really get emotional, honestly.
I just woke up feeling sad and angry.
Angry you didn't tell me.
We've never really had a good relationship, but I have three kids.
I grew up without grandparents.
He's just angry.
I don't understand why.
I don't understand why he didn't tell me anything about his health.
This man was hiding cancer.
His kidneys were selling.
Man, yeah, I'm sorry, dude.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about this.
I'm sorry about this, man.
I'm sorry that, yeah, it seemed like you didn't have the relationship that you wanted for sure.
And then, yeah, he didn't give you any information.
Yeah, my dad died of cancer too, man.
And it was a surprise.
yeah if he'd have tried to do it and not even tell me hmm um um Yeah, I could imagine how much that would hurt because not only was he not there when you needed him, but he wasn't even, he didn't give you enough of a say, hey, here's an opportunity for you to know that I'm not going to be around.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, man.
I'm sorry about that, dude.
Man, that would hurt me, too.
I appreciate you sharing it, brother.
I appreciate you hitting the hotline and sharing about this.
And since it's Father's Day, man, I'm just going to check in with you.
You know, I wanted to do this today.
Hello?
Big Mike.
What's up, man?
It's Theo.
Oh, my goodness.
How you doing, Theo?
I'm doing good, man.
What's going on with you?
Nothing, man.
I'm just here with my kids and my wife.
We're just having a family day, you know.
Oh, nice, man.
So you got a family of your own, huh?
Yes, sir.
I have three kids soon to be 15 in a high schooler.
Oh, wow.
A 10-year-old and a 9-year-old.
Oh, you got a whole flock, baby.
Dang, man.
I just wanted to tell you, man, I really appreciate the phone call.
It's honestly like you made my whole year, man.
I just wanted to say thank you so much, man.
I love you, bro.
I really do.
I just wanted to say I appreciate you.
Oh, thanks, bro.
I appreciate that, man.
Did you get my voicemail left, you?
I did.
I did, man.
Okay, cool.
My wife's like, Theo called you?
I was like, well, I just went into Ross to go get some sweatpants or something.
She's like, Theo called you?
I was like, what?
What are you talking about?
I freaked out.
I was like, no way.
But man, just.
Yeah, honestly, I don't know.
I probably, I hate to leave these sad voice messages because I feel like, you know, I know you're a super strong person and everything, but I feel like sometimes too much sad energy comes your way sometimes.
I know I've sent some voice messages just saying how much I love your comedy and stuff.
So I'm sorry that you got to hear the one that, you know, I'm sending sad energies to.
Oh, man.
No, look, man, I appreciate it.
I appreciate you just sharing kind of what was going on, especially, you know, yeah, I was just thinking of you, man.
I was looking back through some voicemails and since it was Father's Day, I was like, let me touch back and just kind of see what's going on.
And it sounds like you kind of come to terms with a lot of that, or at least you just find a joy in your own family, huh?
Yeah, yeah, man.
You know, I lost my father.
Last year I lost my father.
And it was a lot more than just – he – No one knew who was fighting cancer.
Yeah, that's what you said, man.
It's crazy.
Yeah, he didn't tell me one except for his sister, and his sister didn't tell me one.
So it was a crazy thing.
I got to bring him up.
I live in Oregon, Eugene, Oregon.
So I got the, he lived in Albuquerque, which you were just in not too long ago.
Yeah, it's wild over there.
Yeah, that's where my dad lived, and my brother and my sister live over there as well.
But yeah, so I'm sorry, man.
I'm just freaking out.
I'm talking to you right now.
I can't even.
Oh, bro.
No, it's wild, man.
Well, look, you know, I just, yeah, I just thought that it was interesting, man.
And, you know, it is tough when, like, a dad, you know, you don't have a lot of things.
You don't get left sometimes with a lot of stuff or you didn't get the information you needed and all that surprise.
When it feels like such a surprise, it's like the craziest thing to surprise somebody with is that you're not going to be there anymore.
That's spooky.
Yeah.
Yeah.
For a second, because like me and my dad, like, so I grew up for the most part by myself, honestly.
Like, I grew up in Arkansas for a little bit with my mom there.
And then I went to live with my dad.
Well, okay, sorry.
I'm originally from California.
Moved to Arkansas when I was like four.
Moved back to California with my dad when I was like 11. So I only lived with my dad for like two years.
And then my brother passed away in 2004 up in Arkansas.
And then I ended up moving up here with my grandma in 05 to stay up here and live with her.
And then she passed away in 05. Dang, bro, you a bad luck charm, dog.
It's just like you and your best friend, your friends always dying in a ditch or something, man.
I'm telling you.
It's dangerous.
Knowing people is dangerous, bro.
Knowing people.
Every time I shake somebody's hand, I look them in the eye and just, I'm like, are you sure you want this smoke?
You know?
Yeah, absolutely.
But so I grew up up here in Eugene, Oregon with my two aunts.
You know, they took care of me going household to household.
Really never had a room.
But, you know, I had that love and family around me.
So I at least had that growing up.
I actually want to tell you, I don't know if I said it, but with my dad passing, it just opened my eyes to wanting to do more.
I think I might have said I tried to go to boot camp.
It didn't work out.
Ended up having two bulging discs and they medically discharged me.
And then I came home.
And then I had a job with Costco still.
So I stuck it out with Costco a little bit.
And then I tried stand up.
I've done stand up like 11 times now.
Dang, bro.
That's crazy.
Congrats.
That's crazy.
Yeah, that's the craziest, man.
It's so nuts.
So I fought amateur, right?
I'm actually going to get MMA-wise.
So I'm in a whole bunch of stuff right now.
New stuff, right?
A whole new outlook on life.
Makes you want to go after it, especially having three kids and a wife, you know?
Yeah, man.
Sorry.
I'm so nervous, man.
What are you talking about, man?
Dude, no, it sounds like you just got, like, you know, it sounds like you got a lot of gifts in your life, man.
And you're, you know, staying active and stuff.
That's all you could do, really, you know?
Sometimes we feel like we're supposed to do so much more, but we're really not, you know?
You know, your calmy, especially, Theo, and calmly in general has helped me through just depression and life in general.
Just someone happy.
You know, you want to put a smile on?
I put a clip of you and Brandon Schaub roasting each other or something, you know?
I put a clip of you and Tom Segura, just funniest moments, stuff like this, dude.
And this is what puts a smile on my face.
I listen to your guys' podcast all the time, like, just to be happy, dude.
It's amazing that you guys put that out there.
And I just want to say, like I said, I appreciate you, man.
And I can't believe you even called me, man.
I just want to say thank you.
That was awesome.
Thank you, bro.
Well, thank you.
Yeah.
Thank you for the call, man.
And thank you for, You know, just kind of sharing what was going on, and I'm glad that, like, you know, like, yeah, it sounds like you got a lot of gifts in your life that are keeping you busy and keeping your heart occupied, man.
So, that's really good.
And, yeah, you know, I'm just happy.
How are we doing, Theo?
I'm doing pretty, you know, I'm doing my best, man.
You know, I'm feeling definitely a little bit better, but I think some in some ways I got to take it easier and just get back to like, you know, I want to get back to you feeling even better, you know.
So it's been a slow process, but it's all good, man.
I'm just going to keep on going, baby.
That's it.
Yeah, dude.
You're amazing, dude.
Yeah.
I know, like, it's crazy because this sounds so weird.
I know you're like a super strong person.
Like, I know it's hard to be that super strong person, especially being the person to put on a smile, but that's what makes us inspired by you.
You know what I mean?
Like, I understand the feelings.
Like, I don't know how to say it, you know what I mean?
Yeah, I think you're the one.
I appreciate you, man.
Thanks.
Thanks, bro.
Yeah, I appreciate you too, man.
I wanted to tell you, dude, I got a fight August 13th.
My first MMA fight in six years coming up.
Dang.
I'm still an amateur.
I'm 2-1, but I haven't fought in six years.
I'm 31 years old, you know?
Get back out there and bang it, baby.
I'm going to get back out there August 13th.
I've been training for like the last six months.
I got down from 210 to 168 right now.
Dang, boy, you're going to be zvelt out there, bro.
You may be a lean deal.
You're going to be a lean deal out there, baby.
Man.
How are you doing?
How's your jitsu?
For the past two weeks, I've just been working out.
So that's been helping me right now.
And I'll get back in there.
I haven't been in there in almost a month now, but I'll get back in there whenever I got to do some yoga and then I'll get back in there.
But we'll work.
I'll figure it out, dude.
But I'll check in on you again, man.
I just wanted to check in and wish you a happy Father's Day, brother.
Hey, man.
Thank you so much, Ruth.
I really appreciate it.
And I can't wait until you become a father.
T.L. You're ready, man.
I can't wait until you get that little baby.
I know.
I'm ready, dude.
I am ready.
I've definitely been feeling about it, you know, and I want to make it happen at some point soon.
I got to get me a wife, and I'll do it.
Do it.
Get it done.
Hey, Alpha, come out to come out to Eugene one of these days or whenever you go to get your tour going.
I know it's going now, but get Portland in there somewhere.
Yeah, I'm going to do Eugene.
I'm going to do Bend.
I'm going to do all of it.
I'm going to come through all.
Awesome.
Heck yeah.
We love you, Theo.
I appreciate you, man.
You have a great day.
I really appreciate it, man.
All right.
Love you too, Michael.
Good to hear your voice, baby.
Gang.
And there you go right there.
Caught back up with Michael.
Yeah.
Just powerful to see how things can change.
You know, how you can go from feeling one way one day to feeling, I mean, he just boosted my spirits.
So, you know, a lot of it is just a level of patience and realizing that, you know, those tough moments are going to pass by.
You know, that they're on.
This is just a conveyor belt, man.
It's a conveyor belt of feelings, and you can grasp onto which ones you want.
And sometimes you touch one and it's not the best one.
And something else come on by that's a little bit more to your liking.
So happy to have a moment with him, man.
Thank you, Michael, for that.
You know, it's wonderful to see how things change.
That's such a unique example.
You know, such an obvious example.
How you can be really going through something at one moment, but that it'll pass.
You just got to ride it.
You know, you just have to be patient with yourself, ride it out.
Or just let time tick.
Close your eyes.
But here he is.
You know, you fast forward.
And the moment he was caught in, he's caught in a whole different moment now.
Enjoying his life.
Enjoying his family.
Living.
You could hear him living.
Man.
I just got to remember that for myself.
We all do when those tough times come, just, you know.
Just hold the line, baby.
Just hold the line.
I'm going to switch back into my...
This is a good one.
And let's play.
Let's roll out the same way we came in, baby.
I'll get us back into it.
And happy Father's Day or Father to Be Day.
Belated.
I know it's belated.
This will get to you late, and that's okay.
You know, and thank you guys for being a part of my life over the years.
I appreciate it.
I'm excited to see you guys in Florida this week.
You guys be good to yourselves, baby gang.
A little time for me to sell that parking break and let myself online shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song I will sing it just for you.
Amen, baby.
And now I've been moving way too fast on a runaway train with a heavy load of my past.
Come on, baby gang.
And these rules that I've been riding on They weren't so thin that they're damn near gone I guess now they just weren't built to last yeah I'm going now to make sense of what I Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends, sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sui.
Here's a deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
