Theo’s back with another solo episode. He recaps his recent shows in the heartland, reflects on the weed in Louisiana growing up, and discusses making love to a best friend’s mother. He also answers your calls and gives advice on how to follow through with good choices.
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Music: “The Come Up” by Eddie 9v: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jHN09U2420
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You know, I used to go to the water park by my house growing up.
And it wasn't real close to us, but it was, you know, close enough.
You couldn't go barefoot over there.
You had to put on shoes.
That's how far away it was.
And we go to the water park.
And it wasn't, I mean, it wasn't much of a place.
You know, the biggest attractions out there, they had a water slide and they had, allegedly, they had the coldest root beer in the area.
You'd go in there and people would be like, it ain't that cold.
I can handle it, you know.
You know, people drive down from the north, you know, from Canada and Saskatchewan, you know, Michigan.
They drive down, I can handle it.
I can handle it.
And they drive down there.
And I remember you'd go in the general store over there at that water park.
It's called Lando Pines.
And you'd go in the general store there.
And man, it was when you even opened the door to that general store, it was frosty in there.
You'd see the Polar Express go by in the distance.
All aboard Willson.
And you'd get in there and you'd be barefoot because you'd just come from the, um, you'd just come from the water slide in the pool.
And you'd be barefoot rocking around in there.
And it's so cold.
I remember as a child trying to get back close to the cooler where that root bear was.
And I remember hugging it.
You'd hug anybody who was near.
Help me.
I remember there was an old woman by the baked beans one time and I just damn got right up in between her legs for a minute.
Just trying to get to that root bear.
And you'd get finally, you'd get back near the thing and you'd have you two or three of us kids pulling on that root bear on the cage it was in.
It was in like a big cage, a big glass cage, a big aquarium.
You know, because it was just, it was so powerful and so cold.
And you'd have to pull on that door and get your little buddy, help me.
Terrence, help.
Help, Terrence.
And little Daniel will be over there on the other, he'd be pushing against the damn door.
He thought he was helping.
And he's over there just, you know.
He's leaning on that back.
Like, dang, come on, man.
And finally, you get it open.
You get that door open.
Santa come walking out that bitch.
I mean, it had been, you know, it was cold in there.
Santa come out.
You'd have a damn, you know, a little damn penguin come walking out that bitch.
And he'd been in there looking at pornography.
And you're like, damn, you know, how can he even touch himself?
He just got them two rudders on him.
He don't even have, he can't grip nothing.
But he was doing it anyway.
You could see the shame on his face.
But he'd get that glass door open and all these root bears would be sitting there.
You could barely see it was so cold.
This fierce coldness is coming at you.
And the lady at the counter was like, close the door.
And you grab one, dude.
It took all the energy you had inside just to grab one and lock on to that can.
And at that moment, you damned the makers of the root beer.
Because why they put it in this cold, the can is cold.
And you got, and then you bounce that thing all the way up to the register.
You and your friend, tossing it to each other.
You set it on the desk, on the counter.
And that lady would be like, you know, 65 cents.
And that lady would be like, you know, 65 cents.
And mommy giving you a little bit of money.
And you put your money up there and you get it.
And you'd walk out of there, man, and just out into the distance.
Out into that, just back into the world, the warm world.
And you'd gone on an adventure.
You'd gone and you'd red, you'd gotten something.
You'd gotten a piece of dang.
You'd gotten you a thing.
You'd gotten a, you'd had a journey getting there.
And then you're just so cold.
And then you couldn't take your hands off the can.
I remember one time my hands got stuck to the can all day.
Just, you know, I look like a, you know, like one of those guys outside of a Macy's or something at Christmas, you know, trying to, you know, beg for money, shaking that can.
You know, I couldn't even just couldn't get my hands off of the can.
I couldn't uncan my hands.
Those are the days, man.
That's what I miss about summer.
I miss going over there to Lando Pines.
And you'd wander, and sometimes they had red root beer.
It was this Barks root beer, and it was red, red.
And you'd sip that, and it'd make your lips all red and pretty.
And you'd wander out into that, you know, they had a lot of weird perverts out there, baby pediophiles out there living out there barbecuing.
You'd see a guy in the distance out there, you know, putting damn lotion on his arms and grilling up a couple of Johnson's brats.
Like, damn, what's he, you know, that guy had a family, you know, and just putting cologne on.
You'd see a man putting cologne on by himself and grilling wiener's and grilling Franks.
God.
But those are the days, man, I missed that about summer.
I missed that about being a child when everything was an adventure.
Those days of even just being out there at Lando Pines Water Park and walking into that cooler and getting you a cold root beer.
You know, everything when you're young, everything was an adventure.
And I miss that.
You know I do.
Let's get into it.
Come on, baby.
We're going to make it, guys.
We're going to make it.
I'm going to make it.
So are you.
I'm on a coma.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Feels real good after I've been so blue.
Mm-hmm.
I'm on a coma.
I'm on a coma.
It feels so good to have a brand new view.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
89 volts.
Well, I just broke off with my baby.
Now I can finally get the love in you.
Mm-mm-mm-mm.
Yeah, yeah.
It's on a coma.
Well, I just moved up to Lucky Street when the mayor came and said to me, You're on a coma.
You're on a coma.
And it's plain to see between you and me.
We got so much lovin'and chemistry.
It's on a coma.
It's on a coma.
Well, good things keep on comin'.
And there ain't gonna be no runnin'.
No, I'm on a coma.
Mm-hmm.
Come on.
Wow, right there.
And that's Eddie 9 Volt.
And they're singing the come up.
You know, and that's what you have to believe that you're on the come up.
That's a big thing.
Believing that there's something, that you are on a forward turn.
That your projection overall is upward.
You got to believe that.
You got to believe that.
I hope you do.
If you're feeling like you don't, I hope you're able to just to remodel that.
And don't listen to yourself for a second and listen to me.
And let me tell you that you are on the come up.
You are.
You are.
And whatever you're going through or dealing with or been dealt with.
You know, you playing blackjack with the devil, baby.
That's a life is just it.
You sitting right there.
Hit me, hit me, hit me.
You know?
And then bust.
Damn.
You know, it's just, so whatever you've been dealt or you, whatever you dealing with, just slow the game down.
Look for the waitress.
Order a water.
You're going to be fine.
You're going to be fine.
Man, oh, I got to go see Hank Williams Jr. last night out here in the Central East, baby.
And if you haven't seen this man, you know, Thunderhead, baby, you know what I'm talking about.
This man, he's a real Rostabout.
You know, he's a real, he's a real, he's like a, like a, he's a, I mean, he is just a damn super honky.
That's what he is, baby.
He's a real, he's got, I mean, he's got music.
He's got music built into him.
You know, you pat him on the back, a damn ballad will come out of him.
I bet when they burped him as a baby, I bet, you know, a couple of B-flats fell right off his tongue.
I mean, that fell, he just, he's got this gumption in him.
And a lot of you guys know who he is.
You know who he is.
You know, he's a legend.
He's legendary.
And he's legend non-dairy.
He's lack, you know, he's probably also a lactose-free legend.
Because I don't know if legendary is, I don't know what that, I don't know if that's cheese-based or what it is.
But he is.
He's a whisper.
He's this whispery, whisky whisker cat.
He's this, he's kind of this fat cat that's never been neutered kind of, you know, he just, it was interesting to watch him.
It was really interesting to watch him.
I've gotten to know some of his family over the years mildly, you know, just by acquaintance.
And anyway, I got to go see him play live, and that was quite a treat.
Him and Dan Auerbach from the Black Keys were over there and a lot of other beautiful women and men, I think.
And somebody else was on stage.
I think it was a woman or man.
It could have been a man.
It could have been a thicker woman.
Not sure the angle I was at.
You know, I don't know.
But anyway, beautiful music and just a good time.
And also, I'll tell you what else I got to see.
I got to see you guys.
I got to see you guys.
Went out to Albuquerque over there.
I haven't talked to you since that.
Albuquerque.
Somebody's like, welcome to Albaca, Care Care Care.
It's like, how many are in Albuquerque?
I said, man, I'm happy to be here.
He goes, where?
And I said, and they trick you because they want to hear you say it.
Because they know you can't say it well because nobody can, because they can't also.
And the man said, I said, I'm happy to be here.
And the guy goes, where?
And I was like, Albert Kikki.
Albert Kikki.
Kikki.
Hey, Kikki.
And the guy's like, oh, you mean Albeki?
The whole day, they don't even, if you look at it on the map, it says A-L-B-E-R KKK.
And then it has a bunch of just dots.
Like, what is it?
One of the Q's has a line going over the top of it.
You know, like unlimited Q's or whatever.
Damn, you know.
And one of the Q's, if you look real close, you can see him over there carrying a couple other little Qs on his little, you know, his little hip or whatever that thing is, little goiter, whatever Q's have on them.
But damn it.
And Albuquerque here, that place is, that place is insane, bro.
I never seen anything like that, bro.
The people, thank you, first of all, for coming out.
The show was good.
That one was, it was a little tough in that venue, I felt like, but it was good.
And I was just so grateful.
I mean, people came out.
They got babysitters.
They drove.
They made this effort.
And they came to see me, man.
And that's what I'm saying.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for that support.
And I mean, they had dang everybody.
People are like, dude, they got aliens, man.
They got aliens, bro.
They have a lot of, they got like area quince unos out there.
Hey, dog.
You believe in area quince uno?
Like, what?
Yeah, dog, you know what I'm talking about?
Aliens, papa.
Like, what, dog?
Like, que paso, pero?
Oh, dog, I'm talking about aliens, dog.
You like Area 51, dog?
You know what I'm talking about?
Area Quinceiuno?
And I'll be...
Bro, I fucking...
And the aliens are the people, bro.
We went into the Loves gas station because everything shuts down in Abby at probably about midnight or probably at 10 p.m.
Bro, we had to walk because one of the Ubers, the man said, I ain't coming over there.
I'm like, all right, fuck my.
You know, we'll figure it out.
We'll do old-fashioned.
So we walked, you know, the original Ubers, baby.
You know, I'm talking about feet and kneecaps, baby.
That freaking ligament, that, you know, them little ligament, you know, them bangers, baby, them lifters, legs.
I'm like, all right, we'll use these bitches.
And so we start walking.
First guy we see has a sword.
Okay, that's wild.
Guy had a sword on him.
He was a grown man, too.
And we just didn't want to kind of, he was, he was a lot.
He was walking around, but you could tell he was asleep.
So he's one of those sleep swordsers.
So it was just one of those, he's almost like one of those, like on a game, on a video game, if you don't get close to him, they don't know you're there kind of.
He was like, that.
So like, all right, let's just maneuver around this little guardian of the Greyhound.
He was basically guarding a Greyhound station.
But anyway, what was I talking about?
Oh, Albuquerque, yeah.
But everybody there, they talk about the alien, but the aliens are there amongst the people.
It's so mixed in.
And we went to a gas station and this guy in there was just walking like, just like he moved, like his head, he kept moving his arms up above his heads while he walked.
Like, oh, dog, I'm looking for some Rolos.
I'm looking for whatchama call it.
And everybody there had a parole officer with them.
And that blew my mind.
But that's solid police work.
And thank you.
That was great, man.
Over there in the Abbey.
That was great.
We saw that.
What else happened, man?
Yeah, I tried to do meet and greets after the shows in most of the city.
I tried to pop out and say, hey, if I have the energy for it.
And we made it over there through Midland and Lubbock.
And we made it over there through, where else were we?
Dallas.
Beautiful, man.
You know, thank you to all the Texas.
And then we, you know, this past week we made it through Georgia and over there to Alabama.
But what else happened?
Oh, also in Albuquerque, they're like, dog, you got to try the chilies, dog.
Have you had the green chilies?
Dude, somebody, that place is crazy, dude.
I went, I went to like this meeting there.
You know, I got 51 days sober right now.
So that's where I'm at.
And I'm feeling very grateful for that.
And so I went to this meeting.
And the other, dude, I know you're not supposed to talk about what happens in meetings.
That's fine.
I was at a meeting once.
Then I'll say it like this.
And it was just me and someone else.
And the man was hitting on me, bro, in there.
Like, dude, I'm trying to get sober, dog, not gayed out.
You know, so it was just like, dang, bro, you got to watch that stuff.
So if you're at a meeting and a guy takes his shoes off, dude, and he started doing that cat's cradle thing with his shoelaces.
He took them out of his shoes and was doing cat's cradle with them.
I'm like, God, you know?
But in Abbey, they always want you to try the green chilies.
People are like, dog, my cousin got attacked by two guys with lightsabers, you know?
But have you had the green chilies?
Like, that's all it is there.
It's like, man, my friend got run over by a Volkswagen, but have you had the green chilies?
People are like, dude, man, my wife fell off a building last week, and it was, you know, nobody knows what happened.
I was up there with her, and we got an argument, and she went off the edge.
And damn, have you had the green chilies, man?
Because they are good.
So it's just that kind of place.
It's that green chili belt over there.
And look, I will say this.
They are good.
Everybody in Albuquerque seem like they are waiting for a Greyhound bus, even if they're not at a Greyhound station.
I feel like everybody has luggage.
Yeah.
Everybody like has a ticket.
Like, I'm waiting for the train.
And they're just, there's not even near any tracks.
It's just a unique area.
You know?
Even birds are like, man, fuck, dog.
What the fuck is happening here?
But I'll say this, the people that came out, beautiful folks.
And thank you guys for having me, man.
I really appreciate it.
Then we made it through Lubbock and Midland and over to Dallas, and that was amazing.
And then, what else?
Oh, we went to Savannah, Georgia.
We got a lot more things to talk about.
A lot of great calls came in, man.
And I'm feeling good.
And I'm feeling good.
And I want to thank you guys for your support.
I want to let you know that, oh, I will be in Florida in two weeks.
You can see me over there.
June 23rd, Hollywood, Florida.
June 24th, Fortin Myers, Florida.
June 25, Daytona Beach, Florida.
And June 26, Lakeland, Florida.
Yeah, and I also want to let you know that we have the NBA Championships are going on.
You know, it's Dallas and Golden States.
And you can join the finals action with DraftKings Sports Book.
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What else?
Oh, I want to say protein powder can be intimidating.
You know, sometimes you open up a can and you hear guys in there and they're, you know, they have baseball bats and they're really, you know, they're talking smack and stuff.
And you're like, oh, this protein powder sounds is intense.
But the fact is we all need protein.
A great percentage of your body is protein.
Think about that.
Look at an animal, touch it.
What's that?
Protein mostly.
It's not just about muscles.
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Thank you for supporting the podcast.
And just thank you guys for coming out, man.
Just seeing everybody's faces, getting to shake hands with people.
And just to be in the same room, you know, I wish I could just spend the hour to get off the stage and just walk around and just give a damn hug to everyone.
But we did what we could.
And thank you to everybody that came out.
Where else?
What else can we talk about here?
Oh, the bus broke down, that bastard.
Now, that thing had some, I mean, it was, I mean, that thing looked like it was just made out of dang, you know, like it would just like, it would just have that dirty diaper vibe from the jump.
It was, I know there was a pair of men's boots, small men's boots under my bed.
And it was interesting.
I thought they was children's boots when I saw them.
I said, this is children's boots.
And it's a little creepy to have children's boots under your bed on a bus.
It's, you know, strange.
And the bedding looked like they had just beaten it out of Clint Eastwood.
Like somebody tied it up and they just punched him so many times that a damn, you know, bedroom set popped right out of his skull.
It just had an old, you know, an older motif, kind of Western, kind of, you know, kind of like somebody, you know, I don't know.
I bet it felt like something bad had happened to Native Americans in the area of the blanket.
That's what it felt like.
It felt an old blanket.
Anyway, they had children's boots under the bed, but on the back of the children's boot, it said men's on it.
And that's when you got to really question what's going on when somebody's writing men's on the back of a children's boot.
So.
So anyway, what else do we have, man?
A lot of people came out.
People with damn tits, people, one leg, no leg, half.
Dude came out half a head.
Dude came out no teeth, bro.
Lost all his teeth, he said.
For two years, he's had no teeth.
And beautiful.
Beautiful dude.
I don't know what he also, he started saying something else.
I had no idea what he said.
Because the teeth help a little when you wording out.
But that fella came out.
A couple of people with wet hands came out.
I remember that.
Oh, people left gifts, a lot of nice things, this and that.
And then we hit also some other places out there, Savannah, and Augusta, Georgia.
And that place, I mean, some of these towns, you get out, I mean, Augusta, there's nothing downtown.
There's not even a go.
You can't even, they don't even do Montgomery, we went to, Alabama, you know, and that's Rosa Parks country over there.
And Rosodum Park somewhere else because there's nobody downtown there either.
That place, I mean, they didn't even have ghosts.
Even the ghosts are gone.
They used to do ghost tours.
And now I saw a thing that ghost tours closed.
Even the ghosts have left.
And that's when it's, you know, when not only do humans leave, but then even the spirit, you know, you know, that there's a, there's a bus full of, you know, just realms and ghosts leaving town.
I'd love to see the cops pull that bus over.
just stops and there's no, the license and registration is just nothing is sitting there.
But yeah, man, just great shows.
Thank you to everybody that came out.
A lot of great energy, just beautiful folks.
And I wish I'd have gotten to say to everyone in person, but just a lot of kind messages and things that I did hear from people.
And so thank you.
What else, man?
Oh, my boy Tit Ernie came out growing up.
This fellow we grew up named Tit Ernie.
And he was tight.
Boy, his body was just damn, I mean, just condensed like a damn Twix, bro.
You know, his spine was real narrow.
You know, like one of those kind of fat orange extension cords.
That bitch was real.
I mean, it was a, just a, you know, it was a, just a, you know, it was that, it was a, it was a lean portal he had on him.
He was just real, his whole body was tight and condensed, you know.
If he lifted his right arm, you know, to shake your hand, his left leg would go up.
He was just, his whole body was just real condensed like that.
And they call him tight Ernie, baby.
And he's, you know, he could hear, I mean, it's sounded, and when he, his windpipe was tight.
He was, you know, he had that tight pipe on him.
And when he talked, it was, he wind, how you doing?
He gon' tomorrow is my birthday.
I mean, like his daddy had just damn fucked a flute.
You know what I'm talking about?
Somebody in that family, you know, got a little risque with a, what is it, with a woodwind.
You know what I'm saying?
You know, somebody definitely, somebody was, somebody was putting wood into a woodwind, baby, in that family because that dude, fucking damn, boy.
And I grew up with that fella, man, so it's just crazy to see him.
Some folks brought him out because he can't drive.
He can't handle that steering wheel.
You know, watching him drive, it's like if you see somebody put one of those, the club, they used to put the club on their car on the steering wheel so nobody'd steal it.
That's like watching him drive.
He's just so tight and concise.
You know, he's just built like a damn, you know, he's built like a, let me look at these Woodwind instruments.
Winter nine wilderness.
Oh, yeah, he's built like a damn oboe or a bass clarinet, bro.
There you go.
But yeah, great times, man.
Great times.
What else happened?
Everything, man.
You guys had some calls.
That's really what I want to get to.
I want to get to you guys calling in and just hear what's up with y'all, you know?
But yeah, I'm just trying to stay alive and stay happy and stay well, man.
And I hope that's the same thing that you are doing.
I know you are.
What else do we have?
Some calls came in.
Let's just get into a couple.
I felt like it was something else fun I was going to tell you, but might have forgot it.
Oh, the bus broke down and they gave us a new bus.
They got us a new bus.
Took a couple days.
But we drove for like nine hours just in the back of the bus.
No power, nothing, just hot in there.
Just bacon.
I mean, just, you know, like somebody, just like the toaster, you know, just like a little toaster.
And that bitch, I got out of that thing.
Finally, I wanted to put damn butter on my back and eat my ass, bro.
You know what I'm saying?
Dude, it just, you know, I wanted to put a dang little preserves up and down my legs and back because I was lightly, just a little bit browned on the outside, brother.
You know what I'm saying?
Affirmative action, baby.
That affirmative action stroller.
That's what we were in because I was just baked when I got out that bad Boy, I was browned out.
Praise God.
Now, before we get into the calls, let's get into a little bit of news, a little bit of intel, baby.
And you know what I do for my news, baby?
I take my news straight out of the nearest Asian, baby, right off the press, baby.
God's freaking publishing company, bro.
You know what I'm talking about?
There is, that's facts.
That's all facts.
You freaking get to know a good Asian person, and that's facts, son.
Xerox ain't got shit on a good Vietnamese friend, bro, or Polynesian.
What you got there, Rally Mao?
Nothing much.
Great to be here.
Yeah, nice to hear you today, man.
You sound your voice sounds a little bit deeper.
Say something for me.
Hey, Theo.
How's it going?
Yeah, it's interesting.
Have you been doing any different activities?
You know, did you give a birthday?
Have you been eating anything that would make you sound strong or doing anything like that, manly stuff?
You've been watching any fights or Westerns, anything going like that in your world?
I've been drinking lots of protein powder, eating lots of protein.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
And what's got you doing that?
I'm actually with a trainer.
He's been working out with me.
Oh, that's great, man.
And what are some of your long-term goals with fitness?
Just to, you know, be fit.
Don't get fat.
You have a fat family?
I do not.
Praise God, brother.
Ah, it's hard to trust a fully lean family, I've always thought.
If I see a family and everybody's lean, it's hard to trust everybody over there.
What else is going on with you, man?
Do you feeling good?
I did have a kidney stone.
You did?
I did.
Wow, and what do you think it was caused by?
Damn, baby, that's the Lord's fruity pebble, dog, and you had that bitch, huh?
Yeah, I have no idea.
I'm supposed to find out from the doctor in a little bit.
And how big was it?
They let you keep it?
No, they didn't let me keep it, but I caught it, and it's like very, very small.
Wow.
Like a pebble.
Hmm.
And what did you do with it?
You turned it in?
Yes.
Wow.
Because I don't know if those are catch and release or not.
I don't know what the legal, I don't know what they let you do there.
I don't know what the Park Rangers or whatever would do with that.
Because I'd be damned.
You get pulled over and you got five or six of those in your car or whatever.
Yeah, we had a buddy in high school.
His dad had them.
He took him one out at a party and drank three of them.
And then he had to get them surgically removed out of his pantas.
So what's up with you and God, baby?
How's God treating you, Riley?
He's great.
Isn't he?
He is.
He really is, man.
Man, he has just all the silverware, brother.
I know that.
And when I just need something to pick me up, he's got a fork, a spoon.
I mean, I need something to just ding, you know, just slice right into my damn heart.
He's got a knife.
Praise God, brother.
In the news, what do we got there, Riley?
Anything happened in the news?
Let's see, a Disney worker ruined a proposal.
Oh, really?
Let me see.
Do we have a video?
Is that here?
Yes.
Let me look at this.
And you know what it is, man.
And I don't want to say this, really, and I don't know this.
But a lot of Disney is known.
It's really a hotbed for a lot of gay men.
Go work.
It's their first step out into a place where they're really, I think, you know, a lot of, it's a mecca for gay men.
It's basically the whaling wall in a lot of ways.
Or it's like, what's another mecca rally?
Like a popular place people go to.
Build a bear.
No, that's, you know, like a popular place that people go to.
Like a, you know, a national monument or something.
All right.
Thank you for the help, brother.
It's, you know, it's like a Disneyland has long been a hotbed for, it's like a, it's kind of a homoerotic sort of a halfway house for young gay men, I believe.
Have you ever heard this rally?
I have.
And there you go.
And so I don't want to, I don't know what this is.
Maybe this guy doesn't believe in opposite sex marriage or something.
I don't know.
So I'm not accusing anybody.
I'm saying that that could be something that has occurred.
There could be some opposition to that in that realm.
You also, maybe they just don't let people get married there.
Because if you notice, a lot of the different cartoons don't have parents.
They want you to believe they all magically occurred and there wasn't any sex, you know?
Nobody wants to think of like a wet, what's a popular Disney character, Rally Mao?
Mickey Mouse.
Nobody wants to think of a, you know, Mickey Mouse covered in amniotic and little, you know, maybe a couple duties under him or whatever from a crazy birth, you know, from coming down the damn, you know, the Thunder Mountain, Mom's Thunder Mountain.
So, praise God, baby.
But yeah, I guess the man said no.
He said, you go on out of here and come back with a fan, come back with a pretty little, come back with a buddy or something.
Who knows?
I don't know, but they're not letting them do it.
And it's kind of bummer.
I think if you you see that in the wedding video, it just promotes Disneyland.
But maybe they'd have people doing it all day, so that could also be an issue.
What else we got, Riley?
Let's get into one more news story.
Um, let's see.
Oh, some TikTok pediatricians urge people to stop sharing dangerous baby formula recipes.
Okay.
And were you baby formula, Riley?
Do you remember?
Were you on the bag or were you on the tit?
I don't remember.
No recollection?
No.
Even if you purse your lips a little, does anything come back to your memory?
No?
Nothing to mind.
Well, they say, yeah, people are making dirty baby formula on here.
I'm not shocked.
You know, people are doing stuff on TikTok.
On TikTok.
People doing bad stuff on there.
Everything.
Fake gasoline.
All kinds of shit.
People say they came back from the past and shit on there.
Time travelers, all this shit.
People believe it.
People believe it.
And, you know, I guess it's, you know, I think if you go in there to get a recipe for, you know, a booyah base or a good soup, that's quality.
But if you go in there to get a damn something to put into a damn newborn, and you're going to put a damn 98-octane into that bastard, or put something that, you know, has afrin in it or something like that, that's poor choice.
That's poor choice.
What else?
Okay.
Let's do a couple more ads and we'll get into some calls, man.
We had some great ones from you guys.
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All right, let's get into a couple calls here from you guys.
Thank you.
And as always, the hotline is 985-664-9503.
Theo, it's Jonah from Seattle, Washington, man, and I just – And Jonah is a name of a famous whale, too, if you ever looked at that in the Bible or in, I don't know if it's in the Bible or if it's just outside of the Bible, but Jonah was a famous whale.
Onward.
In Seattle area, man, we get pretty crazy with the weed, man.
You know, I grew up, ever since I was 13, been smoking weed.
And it's definitely an area of my life that, you know, nothing wrong with it, but it's an area in my life I want to grow in because I can tell it's definitely taking a strong grip on my.
Oh, yeah.
Weedle.
It's comfortable.
It's comfortable.
It's like walking around with a, you know, just a pillow just, you know, party.
It's like a pillow party.
Hey, I'm having fun.
My brain's kind of fun.
Looks cool.
Looks cool out here.
What's going on?
Oh, I lost my job.
Oh.
Oh, all right.
Oh, Dunkin' Donuts.
You know, that's weed.
Let's hear it.
My life, you know, and I definitely don't know how it is in Louisiana.
I was wondering, out there in Louisiana, man, what does it look like dealing with the people who are always stoned?
Do you even see them?
Well, look, brother, I'll tell you this: man, I grew up in Louisiana, and it's a beautiful place, dude.
If you believe in beauty, then you believe in that state.
And it's one of the top 50 states, and it's Louisiana Purchase.
We did that.
So half y'all would be Canadian if we hadn't done the deal.
You're welcome.
But I want to say this.
I remember weed was fun.
Weed was fun back in the day.
You know, you get that swamp gas, baby, and it start huffing it up.
And that shit was brown, bro.
Some of it had a damn gator claw in it.
Or a damn little falcon, half a falcon nut in that bastard.
Weed, a little Louisiana weed, baby, damn.
That thing, bro, you take a hit of it and the water level in your yard would rise.
That shit would, whoo.
That shit was thick, boy.
That shit was thick.
You know, that thing, dude, you damn, I mean, they had just trimmed, baby.
That shit was that fuck, you know, that fucking, that, they trimmed those Reggie bushes, bro.
And you hit that slam Jordan, dog.
You know what I'm saying, baby.
That shit was salt.
And I love getting high as a child was great.
I don't care where you were.
You know, dude, I remember the weed, you get a bag of weed on it, and if you didn't want to smoke it, they'd have a damn recipe for you.
Make you a little bit of A2 faded, you know?
Some, you know, get you a little bit of just that gumbo.
Just that freaking, get your brains all, you know.
You'd have your brain just fucking looking for itself, bruh.
You know, you could feel your brain looking for itself, dog.
That shit gets you gassed up.
That shit will have you singing the national anthem, bruh.
That shit will have you singing a national anthem to a spice rack, dog.
That's that Louisiana swamp gas.
Yeah, getting high in Louisiana was fun, man, as a child.
And getting high anywhere as a child is great.
If you can do it, do it then, and do it well.
And do it high.
And I remember we used to be over at my buddy's house, and we used to get high over there.
And his daddy wasn't super, his daddy wasn't super fond of gays at the time.
He wasn't anti-gay.
He just didn't know anything about it, and it made him real uncomfortable.
So me and my friend, my other friend, we'd go outside, we'd smoke weed.
I'd come back in early to the house.
I'd be the first one back in, and I would go to my buddy's dad.
I would know about that kind of gay trigger he had.
And I would just tell him, I'd be like, hey, Mr. Mike, you know, they were kind of being a little, I don't know what they were doing, sir.
They just, I saw them kind of like, you know, somebody took their shirt off for no reason outside.
I just, some of this stuff has just made me uncomfortable, right?
So then my two buddies would come back into the house, stoned out the gills, baby.
I mean, just fucking fish food.
And baby, they wasn't doing well.
And now suddenly my buddy's dad is grilling them about being gay.
And they don't know that I told the dad the stuff.
So I used to love that kind of shit, man.
Creating ambiance.
You know, creating ambiance that, you know, that shit was just so good.
That shit was fun, baby.
Those are the good old days.
You ever done anything like that, Riley?
You never smoked any weed, have you, Bubba?
I have not.
And are you afraid, do you believe that getting high could lead people to homosexuality?
Possibly.
I mean, there was a lot of drug-induced gay activity when I was young, but that was higher octane drugs.
You're looking at methamphetamine, you're looking at stuff like that.
But low-grade branch dope, I don't know if that would get somebody all the way to the, you know, onto another fellow's peg or sweat wallet, you know?
If it's women.
Let's hear more.
Let's get another call that came in, man.
VO, this is Josh from Australia.
My topic is nipple piercing.
I've just recently started dating this girl, and she's got two nipple piercings.
I don't really know what to think about it.
I haven't read too much into it.
But I also want to know what your thoughts are and the listener's thoughts on chicks or dudes with nipple piercings.
Like, what does that say about someone?
Look, man, I think it says, for one, that they got no excuse not to have a spare house key on them.
That is for sure.
They should be able to usually get one extra hanging on there.
So that's not a bad deal at all.
Never get locked out.
Oh.
That nipple piercing, I think it's kind of, it definitely seems sexy on a woman when you think she's got nails right through her tits.
You know, that's really, there's something erotic and almost biblical about it, you know, because they put God on the cross, baby.
So everybody kind of has had their moment in the, you know, in the metal sun, if you will.
So I don't think it's insane to want to get pierced up and put holes in your body or something like that.
And I think if a woman got it, you know, I actually made love to a woman recently and she had, she was really, she had some piercings on her.
You know, she had them hooters really, she had them, you know, I mean, she'd taken them hooters to damn Home Depot, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
She had some real, you know, she had some real metallurgy done on those things.
I mean, there could have been a welder hanging off the bottom of one of them bitches, baby.
She had them things.
She had some real, you know, she had some, one of them had a damn door knocker on it.
You know, that thing was hello.
So, so yeah, I like them.
I like them.
And on men, I think it's crazy.
You know, I remember one time I was doing a tour somewhere in Africa with military, British military, I think.
And I fell in there.
He pulled out his wiener and he had a big piercing on it.
And it looked insane, bro.
And I think the guy was, you know what I'm saying?
I think the guy had smoked a little too much weed, if you know what I'm Saying, bro, you know what I'm talking about.
So, praise God, brother.
What else, man?
We'll do one or two more calls here.
I appreciate you guys, as always, hitting the hotline 985-664-9503.
Here we go.
Okay.
Hear me out.
I've been watching your podcast for a while now, and how would you take this?
I don't even know how to word it.
I don't know what to do.
I fucked my best friend's mom, and she won't leave me alone now.
And now I don't know what to do about it.
So.
Well, I think it's a question of what kind of friend are you, brother?
You know, if you made love to your buddy's mother, of course she's going to like you.
Because if it's your best friend, he likes you.
You're best friends.
So you're just, you know, he came out of her, so you're going back to the, you know, you're going back to the front porch of his creation and hanging out there.
So yes, the mother's going to like you.
The kid likes you.
You know, your buddy likes you.
So I think you got to just hit for the cycle, dude, and be a damn stepdad, brother.
You know, step up to the plate.
Who else are you going to date?
You're going to date somebody across town?
Somebody that's working over there at the Dunkin' Don.
It's at the drive-thru or something?
Somebody that's, you know, some weird person that when they go to a restaurant, they like fill their hand up with like salt or sugar and dip their finger in it while they're waiting to eat dinner and lick it and then lick the salt or sugar off?
Who are you going to date?
Somebody like that?
Are you going to date your best friend's mom and go in there and be a champion, not only for her, but for your friend?
Imagine that.
Imagine one day you sit down with your buddy and say, hey, man, I love you so much as a friend that I'm going to take care of your mother for the rest of her life.
When you come over, I'm going to grill for you.
You know, I'm going to get angry at you.
I'm going to fucking try and make you rake the yard.
And I'm going to fistfight you in your mother and I's own yard.
What do you want?
What does God want?
Thank you guys so much for the calls, man.
I love you guys, man.
All right.
All right.
Let's take another call here.
Hey, D.O., this is Ivy from Eden, Oklahoma.
Went to Tulsa to see you recently.
I loved it.
It was great.
Thank you, man.
Thank you for coming out.
And thank you for spending your time over there.
Yeah, that was exciting, dude.
That was an exciting night.
Homeward.
I was just wondering if you had any advice.
I let the mother of my child down recently.
At least I have been for the past two years.
And I was a drunk.
I'm finally realizing everything and trying to be better.
But apparently it's too late.
So, you know, if you had any advice on how to keep on going, man.
Love you.
You helped me get through the hardest things.
Thank you so much, Dio.
Thank you, bro, for the call, man.
I'm sorry that you're suffering.
But also, I'm glad that you are.
You know?
And I say this, this is why I say that.
Because, you know, it sounds like you have some realization now.
You're able to get some perspective, maybe, that the way you've been operating has investment servicing you or those you care about the most, you know.
You know, I don't have a wife or child or anything like that, but yeah, it breaks my heart because I know it breaks your heart, man.
You know?
I know it breaks your heart to see you make the choice to not choose them.
And that I can relate to.
You know, I can relate to making choices that don't serve you or me, you know, or, you know, I can relate to making a choice that I know isn't good for myself.
And I do it again and again.
I can relate to that, man.
So that's where I'm going to try to relate to you at.
For one, thank you for even thinking to bring this up.
You know, because I'm sure a lot of people struggle with this kind of stuff.
And I say that I'm glad you're getting, you know, I'm glad you're suffering.
I'm not glad you're suffering, but I'm glad that you're having some realization because there's some realization there in that suffering.
There's some perspective.
Because we need that.
We need something to adjust the perspective enough so we can see that the operating we're doing isn't doing us well.
And if I'm not operating well, then that means that there's something wrong with the operation or the operator.
That's me.
There's something unaligned.
It's not wrong.
It's just something unaligned because I'm not choosing the best choices that are making me feel good.
And so I got to adjust.
And for me, that's where, you know, going, leaning back into my program, 12 steps, that kind of stuff helps immensely.
It does magic behind the scenes that you can't even quantify.
And it takes away that shame.
That's what I hear in you, too.
I hear shame.
I hear Shame, man.
Damn.
And shame is what shame is that trick.
Shame is a trickster.
Shame's play, you know.
Shame plays a dirty trombone, dog.
That's a little soil soldier, dog.
That's all he's got in that music maker is sod, bro.
Because he's a dirty.
Shame is a dirty, because you start feeling your own shame and that keeps you stuck.
Shame is a mud.
It's a real mud.
So anyway, man, I'm saying a lot of that stuff because now you have some perspective.
So now you can see you got to make some adjustments so that you're making different choices towards the people you care about the most.
And it's possible.
That's what I'm going to tell you here.
I'll take these off too.
I don't want to be talking serious with you and not be able to see you as best I can.
You know, it's hard to choose love sometimes in the world.
It's hard.
It's hard.
And I don't know why you're not doing it in your life.
I don't know why.
But there's a lot of people out there not doing it.
You know, I've not done it a ton.
There's areas of my life I'm not doing it.
I'm choosing something else and I don't know why.
And you know what?
I don't exactly have to figure out that why.
What I do have to do is just get myself into a place where I'm choosing the things I need to be choosing.
And so that's where I believe that a 12-step program can help you out because that has been the best success that I've had after all the things I've tried.
That program I feel like has best given me the opportunity and the different feelings inside to have a new experience.
And it's not over with the gal.
That's not over.
She can't tell you that everything's going to be okay right now.
That's not fair.
That'll keep you in the same spiral.
You know, if she throws a life preserver into the toilet, you're still in the toilet.
You know what I'm saying?
Baby, you know, we got to get you into a damn bird bath, dog.
That's where we got to get you.
So just don't be hard on yourself.
Just try not to be hard on yourself.
And I think try something different.
You know, I think trying a 12-step program will help a lot.
Let me listen to the end again so I can hear just again in case I missed anything.
For the past two years, I was a drunk.
I'm finally realizing everything and trying to be better, but apparently it's too late.
So, you know, I was wondering if you had any advice on how to keep on going, man.
Love you.
And the advice will start to come from a higher power and from the program.
So that will help you.
You'll get it.
It's interesting.
It'll start to get built into you.
You just keep going to meetings and keep listening to people.
And I would go to speaker meetings.
You can go to them on Zoom first if you feel more comfortable.
And because once you start to feel like you can keep on going, then you're going to feel like you can go further.
But first, you got to feel like you can go.
And then it will all evolve, man.
I promise you.
I promise you.
You will have other opportunities with this person, with this child.
You will have all of that.
You know, all those things are possible.
But now, if you know that something's wrong and you continue to do, you continue to do it, then you are kind of choosing to suffer.
You know, you said realized it.
You know, you realize these things.
So now you have knowledge.
So once you have that knowledge, if you continue to do it, then you are choosing to suffer.
You know, and sometimes you may make that choice, but if it's a continued thing, man, and I'm just saying, I'm not judging you.
I've done it.
And that's where self-pity starts for me.
I continue to stay in these loops and I don't even recognize it.
I just continue to want to have some reason to suffer.
And I just don't want to see the same thing happen to you, man, that's happened to me before.
So anyway, just don't feel alone, brother, and just keep your head up, baby.
You know?
Because you're not alone, man.
I mean, there's probably 500,000 people listening to this that are thinking of you.
And that want you to try.
You know?
They want you to try.
You know, and I want you to try too.
I know it's hard, man.
It's hard, bruh.
It's hard to fucking try, especially when you have, there's a feeling inside of you like the world never it never tried for you.
This world never fucking tried for me.
But that's, that's just a feeling, man.
You know?
And God gave you like a beautiful child or whatever you believe in gave you a beautiful child, man.
And you got a voice.
You have the ability to care about yourself enough to call.
You have gifts.
You have gifts, man.
And I believe that you can do it, brother.
I believe you can have a new experience.
And that's what I want for you because it seems like that's what you want for you.
So anyway, man, I'm not trying to preach at you, but just letting you know that you're not alone, baby.
Gang.
And I know right where you're going to end up, bruh.
The same place we all are.
You know where it is, bud.
You want to come up, baby.
Thank you to everybody that came out and saw me this week.
Montgomery Augusta Columbus.
I'm on a coma.
Yeah.
Feels real good out there.
I've been so blue.
Feels on a coma.
I'm on a coma.
Feels so good to have a brand new view.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm on a coma.
Well, I just broke off with my baby.
Now I can finally get the love in you.
Come on, baby.
Yeah, yeah.
You're a coma.
Well, I just moved up to Lucky Street when the mayor came and said to me, you're on a coma.
Oh That's 89. Vote with the come up, man.
You got to be good to yourselves, huh?
You deserve it.
Take care of yourselves.
Thank you for loving me when I can't even love myself at times.
I'm grateful to be a part of this.
I really am.
And yeah, we tried our best on those shows, man.
I'd say probably six out of eight of the shows on the past two weeks have been really just lights out.
A couple was just almost lights out.
You know, I'm kind of a perfectionist, and that's okay.
You know, it's definitely this, you know, this show has really picked up a lot of steam.
So I'm grateful to be out there and get to see you guys in person, baby.
And be good to your sales, baby.
gang.
Well, good things keep on coming.
And I ain't gonna need no running.
Oh, I'm gonna come up.
I just got home and now I'm back.
I got so many people wearing.
Ohio, Atascalusa, women know I'm on a coma, yeah.
There's nothing really more to say, yeah.
I keep the kids around.
Yeah.
Well, let me ask me what I really want to do is just come right back.
Make love to you.
I'm on the cum up.
I'm on the camera.
Yeah, that's 89 vote.
You guys are checking out if you get a chance.
And we will be back next week.
We got a great guest coming in.
And then we'll probably hit a solo episode after that.
And that's it.
You guys take care, gang.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweet.
Easy deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jermaine.
I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McLeod.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
