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April 26, 2022 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
01:17:38
E390 David Spade

David Spade is an actor, stand-up comedian, writer, and former Saturday Night Live cast member. His new special "Nothing Personal" is out on Netflix now. David Spade returns to talk to Theo about growing up in Arizona, screening his mom’s boyfriends, and what's next for Joe Dirt.  Find David: https://www.instagram.com/davidspade/ ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com Podcastville mugs and prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com ------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: Manscaped: Go to https://manscaped.com to get 20% off + free shipping with code THEO Upstart: Go to https://upstart.com/theo to check your rate today Truebill: Go to https://truebill.com/theo to start canceling today The Zebra: Go to https://thezebra.com/theo to get your free quote today ------------------------------------------------- Music: "Shine" by Bishop Gunn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers/?hl=en See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Time Text
You know, the other day I was trying to, I couldn't breathe real well because I had hair in my nose.
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I want to thank everybody for being a part of my life, and I want to let you know that I have some new tour dates.
I am going to be Los Angeles, May 7th.
We added a show there at the Will Turn.
Albuquerque, May 18th.
Midland, Texas, May 19th.
Lubbock, May 20. And May 21, Dallas, Texas.
We've added another show there.
So get your friend or somebody.
Get somebody you love and bring them.
Grab somebody by the hand and say, hey, babe, we're going to go get involved in something good.
We also have Savannah, Georgia, June 2nd.
Augusta, Georgia, June 3rd.
And Montgomery, Alabama, June 4th, as well as Columbus, Georgia, June 5th.
And some new dates down in Florida.
We have June 23rd in Hollywood, Florida.
June 24, Fort Myers, Florida, down there, military area, I'm guessing.
And June 25 over in Daytona Beach, Florida.
You come over there, bring them sunburnt titties out with you.
And bring that skin cancer with you, baby, in Daytona.
Everybody out there smoking on them dore owls and huffing on Winston.
You'll see a newborn come out.
He got his level lighter in his hand hunting a doral.
That's Daytona Beach, Florida, June 25, June 26, down there in Lakeland, Florida.
I appreciate all you guys' love and support.
Tickets are on sale now at theovon.com slash T-O-U-R.
That's theovon.com slash tour.
And yeah, I'm just grateful for you guys.
Thank you so much.
We have the new Gang Gang hoodies and coffee mugs available, along with the Rat King t-shirt and that bobblehead, that B head, baby.
If you need some head, borrow mine.
Check that out and more at theovonstore.com.
Today's guest is the star of many films and television series.
He's a friend of mine.
And yeah, I can't even believe I get to be his friend.
That's been very exciting and inspiring.
He is a hero to many.
He's a comedy legend.
He is part of the Fly on the Wall podcast with Dana Carvey.
You can check that out.
And he also has a new Netflix special called Nothing Personal.
Very happy to be sitting here with David Spade.
I'm going to set that parking brake and let myself unwind.
Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song I've been singing.
And I'll be moving.
Oh, I definitely have OTD.
When I think about growing up, I used to think that there was like boogeymans, you know?
So I would like, I'd have to open the closet and like look up, look at this corner, that corner, that corner.
Where are we going?
Please say you're rolling.
Like just, I was in just severe, dude, this is the thing.
We actually had a question that came in.
Put it, this is perfect timing.
Why don't you get that up?
Who are these hotties?
Hey, Theo.
Hey, David.
Which one of you two would win in a fight?
Oh, is this even a tough question?
I don't know.
I think you could win, man.
No, listen.
The only chance I have at anybody is if all my anger for my dad leaving me comes out at once because it's fucking percolating in there, believe me.
And I get fucked with all the time.
Always been fucked with as a kid.
That's why I felt bad for Chris Rock.
I go, he was always picked on.
And you grow up like that.
And then when I'm on dates, people see a pretty girl and they go, oh, he's, oh, he was with this fucking guy.
So I've had him step right between us and start going, hey, talking.
And I'm like, I'm, she has a date.
And they're like, oh, fuck you?
And then I go, oh.
And even a girl sometimes goes, hey, come on, I'm with somebody.
And they go, come on, baby.
And so it's humiliating because they know I probably won't fight.
Right.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
And they're 100% right.
So I. But unless you had that one power pop.
And so I even told Glazer, I see in these UFC guys, I go, just if it goes down, where do I start?
So obviously I'm going to lose.
But where do I start?
You want a good so I get something and then they at least go, oh, this little fucking pussy at least hit me.
Yeah.
Because my brother used to beat the shit out of me and hold me down.
And there's so much anger and rage.
But long story short, you'd win, but we would never fight.
And you got a cool shirt on today.
We would never fight.
Thank you, man.
You're not fighting a guy who gives you these compliments.
I appreciate it.
That's a great cause.
Where did you get?
That's a good shirt.
Dude, Sugar Sean gave us these.
We saw his fight, man.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
We went to the UFC fight.
Everyone loves walking around there and Theo's like this.
Everyone's like, racking, squeak, squeak.
Whatever.
He's throwing cheese.
Yeah, you're like, you kind of walk like this.
You get to sit by Halle Berry, which is.
Oh, that's right.
Shit, we haven't even talked about that.
That was next level.
Halle Berry was so nice and so fun.
I know we're barely, but when you sit right next to him, you have to talk to him.
Yeah.
And I have to go, who's this guy?
You know, I do fake questions.
I know what's going on.
But I go, do you think they're going to wind up scrapping?
She's like, in the main event, yeah, I think they're going to eventually hit each other.
I go, good, good, good.
Oh, that's good.
Yeah.
Sometimes you'll just ask chicks stuff just to get, just to like.
Just have them answer.
Or you make them sound smart.
I go, oh, yeah, you know a lot.
She's like, are the fighters going to fight?
Yeah.
And I go, ooh, someone's been here before.
Yeah, you eat dinner in the evening.
Just crazy stuff.
And then something happened.
I think we spilled a drink or something happened, but we're right there.
And then remember, Jared Leto talked to you?
Yeah.
That was cool.
Yeah.
At first, I was like, damn, that chick's fine as fuck.
Then I'm like, oh, that's Jared Leido.
And he's still fine.
And he's still pretty good looking, man.
Jesus.
Yeah, we stumbled him to him.
We were on the way to the back to try to go to just get some food or something.
There's a back room, and he was just sitting outside.
Yeah.
Remember?
That was my talk.
He was just sitting outside like a raven.
Yeah.
Yeah, he was like up on it.
Nevermore.
Yeah.
Yeah, he did.
And then we walked by and we're like, is that a person?
Yeah.
We're like, damn.
I thought he flew away.
Yeah, that he flew.
What are you going to say, dudes?
And then he said he was very nice.
Yeah.
And then he said, did he live somewhere near you or somewhere?
He's from Louisiana.
Okay.
That sounds like, oh, I'm out on this one.
You're like, oh, I'm from Arizona.
I'm like, I heard it rains hard there.
I'm from the Sheriff Joe country.
I go, one time we were all at a scorpion convention in Arizona.
I'm going to go, who cares?
I mean, it's sort of interesting.
I had a bolo tie with a scorpion in it.
Remember, I told you the other day, I go, put a bolo tie with a scorpion in it.
Yeah.
And they have those.
AZ all the way.
So we were at the fight.
We had a good time.
We saw Dana.
We saw Dana.
Oh, yeah.
We sat right behind her.
September Dana White, and he would tell us what's going on.
It was fun.
He'd be like, hey, get out your blood cups on this one.
You're going to get us.
It's like being at a Gallagher show.
He even had some blood on his hand and he rubbed it on my gums.
He goes, you want a gummer?
Yeah.
He's like, oh, this will help a little vitamin O. It is.
They go, all right, put on your blood rain coats like Gallagher.
And they smashed the guy's head.
Yeah.
I think Rogan, was he at that one?
Yeah, he was there.
That was a wild one, man.
That was a good one.
There was some comics repping.
Yeah.
It's fun, but a lot of people knew you.
Doesn't shock me, but that is sort of your crowd, though.
Who is it?
You mean like ruffians or like UFC people?
Yeah.
Yeah.
We've had a decent amount of UFC guys that have been on here, actually.
There's a picture of Dustin Diamond Poirier right there somebody made us.
Oh yeah.
Well, you know what's fun is seeing him in the back just walking around.
Yeah.
Oh, and we saw, remember who was there?
Oh, yeah.
Remember right when we walked in, Dustin came over and said, what's up, Tom?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's great.
All those guys are very cool.
And we knock him out.
And he's like, uh-uh.
Oh, but then remember, didn't he lose?
He didn't win.
He lost?
He came in second.
That's right.
That was hard for you to say.
And it was hard.
It was hard for all of us.
But the hardest.
He came in 1B.
He almost won.
There you go.
He almost won.
And it was tight.
And then he's such a fuck.
His mitts are so huge.
He shakes hands.
He's like, I'm like, oh.
So then he's, we see him.
And remember, we're like, should we say something?
Because you don't want to look like an asshole.
Like, I don't want to talk to you because you lost.
But we want to say hi.
But, you know, sometimes it's like, if you have a bad set, you don't want people coming up and giving you fake compliments and shit.
But he was pretty cool.
And he's always really affable, you know, real super nice and stuff.
He was pretty cool afterwards, even though.
I mean, I know it's just that kind of stuff.
It's hard.
He's very polite, even though his head was spinning.
I'm sure.
Like, what am I doing?
He was so bummed, I'm sure.
And this dude was good.
He was at night, right?
Yeah.
Sugar was out there.
He's a real.
And he's AZ, right?
Yeah, he's Arizona boy.
Just had him on here like a week ago.
We're getting out there.
Did you play any sports growing up?
Did you play any?
I could see you doing like baseball.
I could see you like baseball, and you're like the guy that bunts every time or something.
They send you in.
You're like the mighty bunt.
They say bunt with your dick.
Just stick it out there and let it hit you in the nuts, and then it's going to go about a foot, and then you run.
And I go, if you can run the dick by a ball, I go, how would I do that?
And I go, you don't have any feeling down there, do you?
Don't you have like a little puss?
And I go, well, that's rude.
And he says, and also it's a coach talking.
He goes, I'm a coach.
I'm not a scientist.
I'm just guessing by eyeballing you.
So, but I would, I did play second base and I did like, oh, yeah, I loved it.
I love baseball.
That's the hot corner.
Second base is the hot corner.
Second base was hot.
It was actually more responsibility than you think.
Oh, no, I think it's all the responsibility.
Short sucks too, but those are the two good ones.
But you're getting shelled.
Yeah.
I mean, there's action.
And then the coach is like, this fucking fifth squeak's getting too much action.
And then the worst is in third grade, the pitcher went down.
Oh, what happened?
I got called up like wild thing.
To pitch?
Yeah.
The biggest puss in the fucking tri-state area.
They go, Spade, you're up.
I go, up what?
I go, I can barely throw it to first from second.
So I have one bounce.
So I pitched, and I was like this doing all the histronics, like stretching and shit.
I was terrified.
Were you licking your fan?
Like, do you even know what to do?
Were you like doing some of the rolls?
I had like a cornhole bag spinning it around.
I didn't know why.
And then it looked professional.
I put eye black on it.
Yeah.
I was sharpening my cleats.
I was like, are we starting it?
And then I pitched.
And these guys were so excited because it was just home run derby.
I think I got 11 hits in a row.
And then they go, what were we thinking?
Coach fired.
There was a quick vote in the stands to fire the coach.
Yeah.
So that, I played kickball.
And yeah, I think everyone played kickball.
That was the last time it was kind of even.
And then I went up for football.
Oh, that was psychotic.
What?
Yeah, dude.
Where?
What school were you at?
Scrappy, Saguaro, and Scottsdale, Arizona.
They're good now.
They have a great team.
But I went just because my friends were, and you know how you do.
Oh, yeah.
There's no puss on the horizon at all.
I'm not famous.
There's nothing clicking.
Right.
You're at that age, too, where it's everybody's still playing, kind of?
Everyone's flying, yeah.
And, you know, there was a varsity and there was B. So if you wait under something, it was B. But you all started together and then they put you on the B squad.
But by senior year, that's when I went up, I think.
No, I was a junior because I got clocked so hard.
It was fucking Lucas.
Exactly.
Really?
Remember that movie Lucas?
I don't know.
You said that about the alien?
Let's pull up a picture of that kid.
Yeah, no, I don't think Lucas.
It was like Malcolm in the Middle with a movie.
Basically.
Well, I was a cross between Powder and Lucas.
Lucas is Corey Haim, was it?
God, I love you have a big screen here.
This thing's fucking professional.
Corey Haim was this little puss, and he liked this girl, and he goes out for football.
Can we watch just an hour 10 of it, just real quick?
And he goes up and he gets cremated.
Charlie Sheen is a stud.
Wow, Charlie Sheen is in her business.
And this little carrot top girl is his girlfriend.
Winona Ryder is in.
Oh, yeah, Noni's in it.
Wow.
And so Charlie Sheen is the stud.
He's buddy.
You know, he's nice to Lucas because he's a little puss.
And then Lucas likes this girl.
But of course, she likes Charlie Sheen.
Of course.
At least keep it a foot in reality.
She's not going to go bone down on Lucas.
Look at he's like 3-1.
Charlie Sheen's a full adult.
Oh, yeah.
I guess he's in high school.
And the girl's really cute.
And he's like a little nerdy.
He's like, have you ever looked at a grasshopper up close?
And he thinks that's a panty dropper.
But the girl's like, no, I know.
I step on him.
And then he's like, let me hop in that grass.
Yeah, they had grass back then.
She had a bushka.
I don't know if they showed it.
I sort of pictured it.
I can't imagine they showed a bush in the movie, huh?
Was it a children's movie, eh?
It looked like she had Lucille Ball in a scissor hole.
Big fucking red Mongo bush.
Oh, what I like, I like that Jada Pinkett Smith.
You know what I'm saying?
I like nothing down there, Bucko.
That's what I like.
Knock knock.
I like that Alopus.
Will Smith.
Oh, you like Alan Pussy?
I like that Alapus.
Yeah.
I like that Alipus.
Sickening.
That's gross.
You guys are disgusting.
Dude, one time I remember this guy threw the...
And we hadn't even had a practice, bro.
That was our team.
And we're the Playville Cubs.
But some of, they'd messed up some of the jerseys.
And some of them said clubs.
Some of them said like it was flubs.
It was like splook.
Like it was just none of it made any sense.
Dude, I get up there.
This is baseball.
This is, yeah, this is baseball.
Or football.
It could have been either one, but it was baseball.
So I get up there.
The guy throws it at me right so hard.
It hits me.
This guy, Eric King, he was like, had the toughest arm in town, dude.
And he throws it at me.
It hits me.
I vomited, puked right out of my own mouth.
Because you got it so hard?
Oh, dude, it was unbelievable.
He was the best thrower, you know, semi-local thrower.
And he hit me and I vomited.
And they called a strike, bro.
What?
And I was like, fixed.
Oh, bro, 100%.
Then another time, I finally got on base.
It was like the eighth game of the season.
I don't even know.
I think there was like a plate tectonic shift.
And literally, like, I just slid from home plate over to first base.
Like, I didn't really naturally get there by any skill of my own.
A plate tonic shift?
Yeah.
And so the ground just like went up on one side and it was like, yeah.
And so I'm at first.
Sometimes that happens.
So I'm like, I got to steal, dude.
If you can't do anything else, you got to steal a base.
If you're going to attention getter, though.
A stealer?
That's a tough move.
Oh, very hard, dude.
Especially if you have white legs.
So, dude, I get out there and I went for it.
Halfway through, I get appendicitis, bro.
My appendix busts.
I'm laying on the ground crying, dude.
Crying.
Is it after you got hit in the appendix?
No, this is like eight games.
Oh, I was about to say, no one connected those dots.
Yeah, so I'm out.
And I'm just bawling, dude.
It was absolutely the same.
What a puss.
In front of everyone, you're crying?
Oh, yeah, because it was so much pain.
My appendix, it was like, I don't even know what happens.
I think you get like sepsis or whatever, something happens.
But, you know, I was dying on the inside and the coach is like, get to fur, get to sick.
And you just yelling racial and sexual slurs at me.
Sure.
Queer.
You know, just like, get there.
All the things I'm against saying.
Yeah.
But yeah, you said, yeah, people would pepper those in in the old days and it was not cool and it really was humiliating.
Oh, it wasn't cool.
You would have been shelled with them, I'm sure.
It was awesome.
Look at this little.
Yeah, boner monkey, they would call me.
Little boner donor.
Yeah.
Yeah, look at this little fucking stick visitor.
Excuse me.
Look at this little visit.
It's getting very vague.
I don't know if it's offensive.
I'm not sure.
I'd be like, I'll let that one slide.
Look at this little fucking jerky loiterer over here.
Jerky loiterer.
Oh, did you tell him we went to that party?
Is that anything worth talking about?
Well, I talked the other week about how we went and we ended up seeing Chris Rock.
Oh, yeah, that party.
That party was star-studded.
Dude, there was a lot of, yeah, it was.
We saw Matt Stafford.
You see a lot of different people that you would never see in one spot.
That's the fun part about it.
Yeah, David took me to the Oscars, and so then we saw to the Oscars party.
And yeah, and it was all, I mean, it was really super interesting.
Right.
It sounds stupid if people don't want to hear like you see people, but you see people that are in movies or something.
I saw the guy from Coda.
I talked to him.
Actually, he's deaf.
But he came up.
We talked.
He's from Arizona.
Oh, yeah.
So we talked.
He had an interpreter.
He was a stud.
He sort of got his night taken away from the whole incident.
That was a drag because he won.
It was a big deal.
They won right after that, right?
They won sort of close.
The one right after was Questlove, I think, won, and that was 1,000% forgotten.
And then they brought everyone out from the Godfather, which was so cool.
No one cared.
Nobody cared.
And it was like, somebody's Chris Rocco's around.
Will Smith's still out there?
He's on the loose.
Yeah.
Is he going to hit him again?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, gross.
But we saw fun people and some comedians.
It was interesting.
I'm trying to think of who else we saw.
We're at that guy's house, dude.
Oh, and then we went to Gaius Series, has a big party.
And that was a fun one, too.
And when we left, it was still pouring in with famous people.
They go to all these different parties.
I stayed up till 2.30.
That was a fucking record.
That was like not since New Year's Eve when I was about 12. Wow.
Dude, remember right when we rolled in, some dude was in there just doing blowing something like some yoga.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I remember, but a lot of people knew you there.
That was fun because you see people like, you saw some dude from One Direction.
Oh, yeah, we saw that dude.
Some guy from Euphoria, I remember.
Oh, yeah, we saw John Voigt.
We saw, you knew him.
We saw that girl, Sidney Sweeney, and I go, hey, you're good on that show.
Everyone's like, shut up.
Oh, I didn't even know you were alone.
Yeah, but she just walked by.
So I go, oh, hey, you're like, you know, but that's what happens.
At least you have like a free pass at those things because every single person is known for something.
So you can say hi to anyone really.
Right, yeah.
It's like courtesy.
Yeah, and there's no like PR people in there.
No, they can't get between you.
But you just say hi, get mad on her, say someone's good, or you saw their movie.
So it's fun.
But that night was pretty good.
And then we left.
Oh, we saw Kim K, right?
We left, remember?
Yeah.
She popped out of a sprinkler.
I think she walked butt first out of it.
I feel like in my imagination, that's what happened.
It was just like.
She at least said hello.
That was nice.
Dude, I feel like her butt cheeks were wearing earrings, dude.
They were?
I didn't even know.
Yeah.
She is someone.
All those Kardashians, I never see.
Yeah.
For being out here and being in shoebiz, I never see them.
And one of them looks different.
I mean, one of them got facial, you know, she looks a little bit different, but still, I think she was there too.
Chloe was there.
Chloe was there?
Yeah.
Maybe.
I didn't see her.
I saw Kendall on my flight the other day, and I didn't say anything to her.
You saw her on your flight?
Yeah, I didn't bore the fucking shit out of her with my antics.
Where were y'all going?
Hey, you want some peanuts?
You know, I had a couple zingers ready.
Yeah.
A couple zingers.
Why are we taxis so far?
Did you ever get into like, whenever you were growing up, was there ever like a like, what was that, like a job that you had at the time?
Because you got into football.
That's interesting.
Did you have any job at the time?
Did you ever get in the football game?
I got nailed so hard in rehearsal.
This is why I didn't make the cut I called practice rehearsal.
Yeah.
I was like a drama guy.
I wasn't even in drama, but I was just saying things wrong.
And I was like, when's rehearsal today?
And then this guy, I was 114.
I remember I think I was 134 in full pads.
But I took weightlifting.
I was actually a little scrappy.
Yeah.
I've sort of deteriorated since then, but then I was kind of not tough, but I could wear the pads and not cry.
And I was a good jump roper because we took weightlifting as an elective.
And I could do crossovers, doubles, backwards, forwards.
I was great.
Wow.
Oh, yeah.
Chicks love that fast feet.
Yeah, I'm like, what's up?
What's up?
What's up?
In between.
And then they're like, oh.
Family is poor, so I canceled that out.
And then when I went for football, I remember this guy hit me so hard that just like that movie last time, but they just said, you got to get out of here.
I appreciate you came down.
I appreciate it.
But you came dear.
Yeah, he came down.
Like, thanks for trying.
I was probably in practice for 11 minutes.
It was just like, even my own friends are like, just sit in the stands with the girls like you used to.
And God loves you.
I did nothing.
Maybe do something with the church or something.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I sat out there and they go, maybe jump in on that bake sale.
Help the gals out.
Do the carpet match the drapes?
You see people ask themselves sometime, or somebody will ask you, do the carpet match the drapes?
If they trying to see your body or see you naked.
And men will ask that to women sometimes.
Do the carpet match the drapes or whatever?
Did a curtain match the floorboard or whatever they say?
And gay men will say it too.
Does the sideburn match the nut hair?
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So I did that, and then I went, and I was a skateboarder, though.
That's where I was having fun.
Yeah, I was always a skateboarder.
So pools, pipes, there's 22-foot pipes out there.
And that stuff was big in Arizona.
Like, that's one of the areas.
I mean, just West Coast and at least Arizona had some of that overflow.
It's a great no-money pastime.
On my Instagram, I like all these skateboard things.
So it comes up my feed.
Well, yeah, and also they have all those abandoned washes and stuff for those empty washes in the- They're rough on the wheels Because they're not as smooth, but they had 22-foot desert pipes, which are 1,000% illegal.
They're out in the desert.
I don't know what they're making.
I'm sure that Rogan would have a field day with it because they're just out there for no reason.
And then we go skate them.
And one time I was trying to get to vertical, but it's such a wide transition because you're going up, just trying to get halfway up, but it's terrifying because vertical is 11 feet up.
And so I got to vertical and I was almost weightless because you're so high up.
And then you're getting to where your feet are above your head, you know, because you're trying to lay out a front side.
And then my board, I lost, you know, kind of traction.
So it just, I flew off the side from 11 feet up and just hit.
And my friend, Jodi and my brother Andy, they just saw a little puff of fucking dust come up.
And then they heard me go, me!
They started crying.
Isn't it bad when you get hurt so bad that a sound comes out of you that you didn't even know was yeah, exactly.
The initial hit was like, and then I go, like they go, is there a fucking sheep over there?
I used to make, when I would get real, like, gross.
Trying to hide the pain too.
That's the worst part.
Breathe through it.
Dude, when you're trying to pretend like you're not hurt, you're like, oh, yeah.
It's so embarrassing.
Even front of guys.
I'm like, oh.
So ultimately, the wrap up to that story is I was doing the skate park.
I was trying to learn aerial axle stars where you go up, you do an aerial and you land on your trucks.
Do an aerial?
Like you fly out about a foot and you land on your trucks and then you drop back in.
It's fucking terrifying.
And this is where I knew I'm too much.
I couldn't take it.
It's too scary.
So I do it and I miss it and I fall all the way down to the bottom as predicted.
Why I'm scared.
And then I broke both wrists.
And the consensus around the bull was get out of the pool.
Get out.
Get your board.
We're next.
Why are you still in the pool?
And so I had to like get it, sort of grab my board somehow and run out.
Oh, that's hard.
And then, yeah, I'm like this.
And then I go, I think my arms are broke.
My brother goes, you're fine.
And I go, God damn it.
He goes, we just got here.
And I go, all right.
Because we had two hours to skate.
So I go, all right.
So he has me lay on our Lee car.
Remember Lee car, that old car?
It was like really tiny.
Bring it up.
You're too young.
Show him a lee car.
And so I laid on the hood and, you know, like on the windshield like this with my arms out, like I'm on a fucking IV drip.
That's not it.
That's the General Lee.
Yeah, what the fuck?
Jesus.
Anyway, don't fire these guys till after.
And so he zooms in like a sky.
He's back to General Lee.
He's like, oh, you mean boss Hog?
I'm like, no, you're getting farther away.
It's called LE and then car.
Yeah, the car.
Yeah, the car.
So I'm laying on the windshield and then the skate park guy goes, hey, Andy, you got to take your brother home.
He goes, fuck that.
We just got here.
And because we drove all the way there and we got the car for the night.
And we had two hours.
And he goes, fuck.
And my stepdad is a doctor.
So I went home.
He drove me all the way home, flooring it the whole way.
He goes, I'm going to come back.
You're like hanging your wrist out the window.
Yeah, I'm probably terrified.
So much stress.
No wonder my neck's all fucked up.
So I get home.
He dumps me with my stepdad and goes, hey, fix him.
He says he's hurt.
He's a fucking pussy.
And he goes, goes back to the skate park.
My stepdad, drunk, as always, he's a doctor.
He goes, let's take you down and take a look.
So we go to take x-rays at, you know, 11 at night.
I look around the corner.
I'm no doctor.
I see two cracks down the middle of it.
He goes, he's staring kind of fuzzy.
And he goes, well, let's sit on it till tomorrow and see what happens.
I go, see, they're broken, dude.
Even my friend goes, hey, dude, I know they're broken.
So he goes, I go, what are we waiting till tomorrow?
He goes, just let's play it out.
I go, what are you saying?
There's nothing to play out.
He goes, ah, you're a little bit rattled.
I go, they're broken.
I'm in so much pain, but we don't have Advil back then.
We don't have Viking, nothing.
Yeah, and you couldn't even open a bottle of Advil.
I can't even imagine.
Oh, I can't do shit.
I'm just like holding them up in the air like small whimpers.
Go home, sleep, impossible, so much pain.
Next day he goes, now he's clear-headed.
He goes, we got to fix those broken arms.
Yeah.
So he just gives me a cask because I'm going to school.
No, he gives me a splint on both of them.
So I go to school first day of freshman year.
And you know what?
I looked cool.
It was right before the first day of school.
Freshman year, new high school.
And they're like, who's this fucking hard ass?
Wow, because you had two splinters.
Yeah, I had, now my turquoise quicksilver shorts might have canceled out my toughness, but I had a new OP shirt from Miller's Outpost.
I was like, what's up?
What's up?
White hair.
I had all the components of being cool, but no game.
I was tan back then, skinny.
I had fucking long white hair.
I was a skater.
My brother was cool.
So my brother was cool.
And then I was a math guy.
Am I?
So you got into math?
You went from baseball to football to skater?
Well, I was always, this was eighth grade into high school.
Okay.
So I wasn't doing that shit yet.
But I was a math nerd and reading and all that in school.
So I didn't have any friends except this little Vietnamese kid.
Really?
Named Shin.
And we would walk.
They name a lot of them after body parts, too.
Yeah.
No, because his brother Quad.
Oh, you're right.
So, no, but his sister Clavicle.
Wait a second.
So I was smart for a while there, and then it tapered off.
But in second grade, I went down to fourth grade for reading and math.
Me and Shin.
Really?
Yeah.
Do you went from second to fourth grade?
Yeah.
They're like, fuck, third grade, you're going all the way?
Yeah, third grade is a fucking joke for me.
So I'd go down and go, hey, gals, got to run, got to run down to fourth grade for reading and math.
Be back soon, BRB.
But nobody cared.
Yeah, they have bigger racers down there too.
I go, it's a whole new world and you guys aren't ready for it.
So I go down there and then I got into chess and I was spelling beef champ in sixth grade.
I was chess champ.
I was read 47 books in fifth grade.
Did you do that pizza hut thing where you get the pizza pan pizza if you read the books?
Did they do that?
No, that might have been the Louisiana area.
Where you took it over there?
Yeah, I think they baited you, reading for food.
Baited you, yeah.
Hey, if you can read, we'll fed.
It's called the Read and Feed program.
No, I went to state chess, but I got measles.
Yeah, I couldn't play.
For Spelling Bee?
Oh, for chess?
Oh, I went to Spellingby State and I got smoked.
And then I went, chess, I fell out because I had measles for three weeks.
We've talked about this, the Spelling Bee word.
Because remember, I got beat on inconvenience.
This girl got this girl in our class or whatever was pregnant, right?
This girl, Helena, and I don't want to say her last name, but it's the Helena that was pregnant, if you're listening and went to school with me.
Every story you're like, Helena had a rib in her forehead.
Well, she got pregnant, right?
She's in fifth grade.
Yeah, I heard about this.
She should be in the Guinness book, but go ahead.
And we didn't know you could even get pregnant, right?
But she won the fucking spelling B, dude.
Yeah.
Wow.
Unbelievable.
And people were calling her all kinds of racial slurs and stuff.
But I remember.
And she was white.
That's a crazy thing.
It was just people were just, you know.
It's just mean then.
They're just trying to be mean.
Oh, yeah.
Nobody was trying to be like helpful.
But also, like, I remember inconvenience.
And I tried to spell it.
And I was up there hot dogging and shit.
And I'm like, hot dogging?
Yeah.
And I got, and that was it.
Well, my first word was apparatus.
And I go, I go, A, P, A, P. And they go, I go, you're, come on.
I fix it.
I didn't say that was the final one.
Wow.
And they shut you down like that?
Security walks me out.
Hey, we don't want a scene.
So I came back.
My mom's like, how was it?
I go, I won.
And you lied to her?
No, I didn't.
I said I got fucking smoked.
But I got chess and then I got older.
Oh, so when I watched, I remember I was with this comic, you know, like I was probably 25. And we, and he, and he, you know, he heard that story and he never believed it.
And he goes, we went to this movie where it was about a kid that was going to play the best chess champion in the world.
It was some stupid movie.
Don't pull it up.
I don't remember the name.
And then in the middle of it, he goes, I knew you were a psycho because I was just watching it casually.
And then they're showing the chessboard.
And in the middle of it, he makes one move and I go, no.
And he goes, the fuck?
I go, God damn, the queen.
And then they go.
And what happened was that was the hugest fuck up because the guy took his queen.
But I got it within milliseconds.
So I was looking at him going, don't do it.
Don't do it.
Anyway, so then, oh, I had a story to tell you about.
We were saying about when you're at the Oscar party.
It's hard to, if anyone's still listening, it's hard to, you know, look cool at those places because everyone's so famous.
And I learned that lesson because I was out one time with this young lady about, you know, 10 years ago.
And she was sort of squirrely.
And then one time she goes, yeah, yeah, I'll go out.
Obviously not that end of me, fine.
But a little above my pay grade.
You know, she's really pretty and blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, we know your history, didn't you?
Yeah.
So I go, all right, let's go, whatever.
So I finally, we're going to go out.
And then, because we saw Casey Affleck interview.
Oh, yeah, we did.
I said something so stupid to him.
Oh, yeah, that was so great.
You're like, oh, man, sorry.
Oh, I heard you just got married.
No, I heard you got married.
And he goes, I got what?
And I go, and then immediately, because I'm a little drunk, I go, wait, what am I fucking talking about?
And he goes, well, I got divorced 12 years ago, and then I have been single for eight years.
I go, yeah, that's it, I think.
Didn't even piece it together at all.
I just go, yeah, I just try to run over it.
And I don't know what's happened to sitting there like, you heard the man.
Yeah, you try to back me up.
No case.
But it was so loud, too.
So we're trying to talk.
Anyway, Casey, who's also a studly actor.
So I always thought those guys are cool, like, you know, these type like Benicio del Toro.
I like Sean Penny.
He was there, I think.
All these actors that are cool.
And so in the old days, I take this girl out.
This is the lesson I learned.
So I know Joaquin Phoenix a little bit and he goes, hey, we're going over to this thing, me and Casey.
If you want to come by and just say hi or have a drink or whatever.
And I go, oh, I go, yeah, yeah, I'll come by.
I go, can I bring someone?
Because the truth is, if you're around people that are kind of well-known, if you bring someone extra around, it's not bad.
It's just eyes and ears where they don't talk freely and they don't want someone that might tell their story somewhere or what you talked about or whatever.
So I gave a warning.
I said, yeah, yeah.
Very cool about it.
I bring this lady friend and she's fucking all over them so hard.
And I'm like, immediately, I go, this is a mistake.
And she's like, oh, my God.
And so she's talking.
And then she literally, if she's not like sweating them hard enough, she goes to one of them, didn't you show your dick in a movie?
And I was like, this is a little out of line.
And he goes, oh, yeah, yeah.
Meanwhile, they're being respectful to me going, fucking pull her off, dude.
Yeah.
And she goes, oh, I saw that one.
You know, va-va-voom or something or yeow.
I go, I don't think that's appropriate.
Yeah, yeow.
That's crazy to see.
Ooh la la la.
No, she goes, yum, yum.
And I go, okay, more, please.
So, wow.
And so then she left you for them?
No, she would have.
She couldn't.
I was a ride.
So I go, oh, we're out of here or something.
Yeah.
And then I sorry about this, dame.
Drove her home.
She's sticking her head up, just staring out the window like a dog, like how it was fun for a while.
Now she's back with me.
She's just watching Manchester by the sea on her phone.
Going fast forwarding.
Is this the one with the dick in it?
So I was horrified.
And then I'm like, by the way, those guys don't even like you.
She's like, oh, they both gave me their number.
I go, oh.
No, they didn't.
They were very nice and cool.
And then I said, sorry to them.
And then she didn't say sorry to me.
And then that was that.
I dropped her at the curb.
I said, that's it.
You don't do that to Spade.
Yeah, you're out of here, babe.
Yeah, baby.
Blita, babe.
I know.
Don't make me put these on.
That's only happened about a thousand times.
Like it's the 1910s.
Moral of the story.
Don't be with super cool people all the time.
Yeah.
Don't worry.
Never happened to me.
Do the question that came in about the.
That fits in with what he was just talking about.
The girl, the guy, the question.
Theo always surrounds himself like, oh, you know these two guys?
They work at the septic tank company.
And the girl's like, oh.
See, make sure you're the guy.
These hot chicks, what's your secret?
What is that?
That you're good looking and that you're funny.
Can you play for me?
Oh, he said hot chicks?
All right, sure.
Can you play for it?
these hot chicks?
What's your secret?
It's Will Sasso that you're good looking and that you're funny.
I answered my own question, didn't I?
All right, gang, gang, bud.
He's drong.
Cheers.
Well, he's Canadian, probably.
I was about to say, is he on that Alaska show where they live?
Yeah, you could see that.
Well, I think that's like Gold Rush or something.
Or gold salmon.
Yeah, salmon with gold inside of them.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What's the secret, you think?
What is the secret sauce, man?
No, I think the only thing, you know.
'Cause you're kind of the, you're almost, you're not the underdog when it comes to like labia, but you definitely are like.
So like I play a skirt chaser on just shoot me for six years.
Yeah.
And there's always they pair me with a pretty girl.
Then I do it in grown-ups.
I'm like, hey, you know, and then I do rules of engagement.
And so that's sort of the thing.
So it's a little bit blurry because they go, oh, you date.
But most of those are on TV.
And then in real life, sure, I like girls that are kind of fun, funny and whatever my type is, cute.
But that doesn't mean they like me.
So I'm just, no one's looking at me going, I got to hook up with this guy.
Just, you know them, you talk to them, and then maybe eventually, if you're normal in LA, if you're actually just like reliable and normal, that's a good quality because there's so many kooks that you start, they start to go, oh, this guy might be all right just because he's not so nuts.
Like you just, as long as you just stay the course, eventually you're the only one on the ground.
Or just be normal to him and then, you know, because they're not like going to be jumping all over me.
So you just do whatever and then either you get a vibe at some point.
But there are some nice girls out there.
I went out with a girl recently and I really liked her, but she was out of town.
You know, she lives in New York and that's a tough one.
Tried and really dug her.
It just couldn't.
It's just too, it's too tough.
It falls apart.
Was there ever a time where you were going to settle down?
Did you ever have like a moment?
Did you ever, have you been married or not?
I don't think so, no.
Did you ever think about it?
Like seriously, was there ever a time where you because I struggle with that kind of stuff.
I struggle a lot with like, I don't know if I could, you know, I'd like to, I think, one day have a wife or something, but I don't know if I could, you know, sometimes.
I feel like I'm like that because I have run into that situation.
It got very close.
And I go, I would be scared to disappoint them.
I just don't know if I could handle it.
I think we all ideally would like to find someone very, very cool.
And in your head, you can picture it.
And that's what you would like.
To have it happen, you watch it crumble all around you and you go, am I the one that's going to beat the system?
Like, it's so tough.
And everyone's like, it's work.
I'm like, I don't want it to be, because I've done it where it's harder than my work work.
Like, oh, I'm just thinking about the girl.
They're going, oh, she's mad.
You know, what do I got to do?
And so I never quite nail it.
And I will freely admit I'm a lot better at other things and that I try to get it right.
And it's one of the curses of life.
It's very, very hard to get it right.
And I feel like it's unfair because I should get married.
I should, I don't know.
I just don't want to blow it.
And I watch my parents and I watch my people around me.
And the people always hate each other.
And I go afterwards, I go, I don't want to hate someone.
I don't want them to hate me.
It's just so heavy.
And LA doesn't treat it like it's a big deal.
People get married for press.
They get married for an Instagram photo.
Oh, it's crazy.
And then they, and then they go, oh, yeah, the average marriage is probably two years.
Yeah.
And that's a year they hung in longer going, yeah.
We can't get divorced.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We got to at least be seen on the beach a couple more times.
But yeah, you'll see guys come out like they just came out of the mines.
They're like, oh yeah, it's been a good week with the wife.
And the guy's just like oil all over his face.
Yeah, and the guys are no date.
Or the woman, too.
The woman will be like, Jesus.
Yeah, because they put up with a lot of shit.
And it's a new world.
There's Instagram.
There's Tinder.
So used to be you met the girl you saw.
Like my friend in Arizona, he's got it made in a way I'm envious because he like worked at this place.
He saw three girls every day in his day.
One worked at Circle K, one worked at the pozo.
So he picked the one he got along best with and they got married and that was it.
But there's no distractions in his life.
Right.
It's like that and he does that every day and they go out, they have their kids and that's the way you do it.
And then I'm sure he's got grass is greener syndrome.
And then one girl said, there's the one girl that actually got really close with, she said, she said, I'm finding out as I get older, the grass is browner.
And it's so, it's such a great thing to say because you see the married friends and then you see a little behind the curtain and you go, it's not, you know, and I'm not saying anti-marriage.
I'm saying if I did it, I would do my best.
Yeah.
I just, you're, you're tying in someone else's life tears.
And that's, now you're responsible for two people and that's hard.
And you get their energy and your energy.
And it's hard.
It's a hard to do.
Especially if you're real honest with yourself.
If I know that I have these kind of maybe shortcomings or uncertainties, then if I know I'm going to go pin the, without even having cured these or just know if there are issues for someone else and I'm going to go pin your, because you're, when you get married, you're kind of pinning those into somebody else.
Yeah, they inherit all your problems and they have to deal with them every day because you've gone on dates.
Oh, yeah.
Have you ever dated two people at the same time?
No.
And then they go, and you mix it up a little bit.
And I'm like, yeah.
I go, how's your mom?
Did she have fun?
And she's like, at chemo?
And I go, oh, I thought she went to Magic Mountain.
I was the other girl.
You know what I mean?
And then you go, oh, is your mom okay?
It was her birthday.
I go, oh, yeah.
No, I was about to like, I'm from France.
And you're like, I go, I know.
I'm saying Southwest.
You have to stop there.
It's ridiculous.
Yeah, dude.
It's crazy.
What a layover.
No, I've been there.
I mean, but no, my younger self was, but still, obviously, listen, I'm not married, but I'm no prize.
Oh, you get a lot of girls flirt with you.
Girls tell me they like you and they like Kyle Dunne.
Oh, yeah.
Kyle was just in here, man.
Yeah, Kyle's got a lot of studs.
Yeah, Kyle's got to get hooked.
I mean, Kyle goes, he goes, I got a lot of shit from my Friends, because I was dating a girl 19 years younger than me, and he goes, But you know what?
I was in college, who cares?
So she was one.
He goes, Yeah, whatever.
That's a funny joke.
Did they ever have any like pyramid schemes or anything like in your area when you were growing up?
You remember that?
Well, I think my mom was, you know, my mom was very tough.
She got divorced.
You know, my dad left.
I don't think she had a big vote in it.
We got to Scottsdale and he took off.
Was he a criminal or anything like that?
No, but he was, we were four, six, and eight, three boys.
So it's very tough for a mom with three boys.
Now we're starting to come back to why I'm crazy.
So she's pressured.
He pulled her out of college, so she has no writing degree.
She's being a writer.
So she had to get two jobs, you know, department store, secretary, whatever.
Just to pay our bills and, you know, just to barely make barely enough.
And so we were just sort of on our own.
Yeah.
And then, but she, she couldn't even date, really.
You know what I mean?
It was a very, it was a big sacrifice.
Yeah, it's a big sacrifice.
And then what did you ask me, though?
I forget about that.
Pyramid schemes?
Oh, yeah.
So she would get these jobs sometime where they would try to get her in on one of those, like Tupperware, those kind of things.
And she's such a sweet woman.
And you just see like back people taking advantage.
It's just such a tough world.
I don't know.
She really had it tough, and she's still kicking.
And we all try to take care of her because, you know, that sacrifice you don't know till you're older because as a kid, I was like, why don't we have more stuff?
Like, we have no food.
We have nothing.
But she was doing her best.
And then I got a few beans in my jeans.
So I said, well, I'm going to take care of my mom.
She always said, I don't know.
Because she will never ask for anything.
I said, mom, anything in my account is yours.
Like, I don't care how much you need, just take it because I would never be here.
So got her house and that kind of stuff.
But she doesn't want to ask.
And sometimes I go, do you need money or something?
Like, how much?
I don't want to open a full account at QVC because my money will be gone in two seconds.
But I do, you know, a little bird fear.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because she's like, every hour, it's like a morph.
She's in the shop.
She calls me, turn it on.
Turn it on right now.
David, look at this.
It's a water bubbler that, and I go, what does it do?
She goes, oh, I don't know, but you grab it.
There's 10 left.
I go, mom, you're exactly the crowd they want.
You bite and they give it, and they tell you the old 10 left special price.
It's always like a baby diaper that sorts coins.
Like, oh, look at little Timothy shit a roll of dimes.
He's shit, but look at this.
Here's a roll of nickels.
He's impressive.
He's saving, man.
He's saving with every dump.
Get two things done at once.
So that's it.
So she's out in Scottsdale and my dad, you know, came in and out.
Do you have both parents?
No, my dad died.
My dad would be like 120 right now, I think.
And then my mom, I have my mom.
And we have a tough time sometimes.
But even hearing you say that, it just reminds me to just be more cognizant of that our parents went through different stuff.
And they went through a different time.
It was like just a different time back then.
You know, one time, my mom would get asked out and it would be ruined because she would let us vote.
No way, really.
She goes, one guy was, I think, the heir to the Anheuser-Busch family.
I'm like, fuck that guy.
Randy Busch?
No, Anheuser-Busch, like the Budweiser.
Okay.
Wow.
He probably had a million dollars back then.
I mean, money's nothing now.
Everyone has a trillion, but he was very rich, but my older brother totally cockblocked that one.
Really?
My older brother, Brian, but he's super cool, and we get along great now.
But it was just being stupid kid shit.
But I remember he'd come home and she goes, what about that one?
And I go, boo.
First of all, she didn't realize we all didn't want a new dad and we didn't want anybody to take attention away from us.
So I'm like, you know, I've gone over it, mom, and I think that's going to be a no for me, dog.
He's not going to Hollywood.
Yeah.
So, and then I'm like, I go, I like this guy who's an ice cream man or something.
Now, that guy had a certain something.
That guy's got a certain John of Sequoia.
Yeah, he had otter pops.
So I would go, and he'd give us free ice cream.
I'm like, this guy's got something.
Yeah, this guy's special, dude.
Yeah, so she's great.
Yeah, my mom dated, I remember, like the first black Jewish guy in our area, right?
And we're sure he had an easy time.
We never even seen it or heard of it, right?
Yeah.
And then she dated another guy that ran a car wash, and we thought that was amazing because all the quarters.
Oh, how fun.
When you're a kid, quarters are everything.
You get for asteroids.
Just whatever you want.
Well, you're younger than me, but I loved quarters.
But the opportunity.
Mom, give me some.
Everything's in quarters, yeah.
So when this dude would show up, just freaking Johnny jingle pants, you know, just like.
Wait, why did he have so many quarters?
Because he owns it.
Oh, you own the car wash.
But I love that he keeps the quarters.
Oh, he has so many quarters.
Because the ladies would hear it.
Oh, jingle.
Back then there was something about that.
It was just like, you know, you were just that pant Santa, dude.
You just had that jingle going.
You got a jingle in your pocket?
No, I've got a tiny soft dick.
She's like, no, I was trying to be sexy.
I've got a fucking half a pack of certs.
Oh, no, that's my wiener tear.
Oh, I've got two Role-Aids still in a roll.
Yeah, certs, I was telling you something about Rolaids the other day, and I'm like, I wonder if Theo knows what Role-Aids are because I say older references, certs is definitely going back.
Certs, certs is going back, but certs was surprisingly good, bro.
And also, you know what my dad used to drink all the time?
Maylox.
Do you remember Malox?
Oh, I didn't even know what it meant, but it means your kids are chitty because they're giving you a stomachache at all the time.
My dad would drive around in this cutlass, his Delta 88. He bought off a couple brothers that lived around the block, and it had these huge speakers in the trunk, right?
I mean, he's 80 years old.
He had these huge speakers, just blaring rush limbo and like 8.70 a.m.
Blaring rush.
Just like with bass, though.
It was like rushed with bass, right?
Like Paul Harvey, good day, you know?
And just sipping fucking mailocks.
And he would come to pick us up at school.
And it was so embarrassing, dude.
It was like, he was older than my grandparents by 20 years, right?
My dad was.
So even when people came, people had never seen anything this old.
They'd never seen, we didn't have a book this old in our school.
Like people had never seen like it seemed like the Mayflower was showing up, you know, when he rolled off, and he would sit and wait in the carpool and he would doze off, dude.
And he would just have Maylocks on his face, and it was just like, oh, gross.
Somebody murder me.
He's doing SPD farts.
Oh, sinking them in those fucking seats.
Those seats, bro?
They used to really hold a fart.
They'd hold it.
You get out of school.
You go, what the fuck?
He's like, my dad used to pick us up once a, like every six months, you know.
And my mom, the hard part was I look back.
We didn't have his number.
It was a hard line, you know.
So he'd call us and go, it's your dad on the phone.
You know, she was never like slamming him, but she's like, and I go, all right, we're so excited.
He goes, how'd you like to go to Shaky's Friday?
We're like, fuck you.
So we all get dressed up and then he doesn't come.
But he doesn't call either.
You know, my mom's like, get in here.
I'll make you some plums.
Yeah.
He hits three plums down.
But she goes, so my dad was like that.
And then he picks us up.
He goes, I got a dune buggy.
And she's like, what the fuck?
Never gave any child support once.
So she's like, I'm like, isn't that great?
And she's like, I mean, kind of, but we don't have food, but sure.
And so he picks up a dune buggy and then we're like, yay, dad.
And she's smoking her salems in the doorway going, real hero.
And then, but we loved it.
We never even connected.
Like, yeah.
As a kid, you don't know.
And then he's like, he gave me a dollar.
She's like, well, he owes us 70 grand.
That's a start.
So we, yeah, we never got child support.
She never got alimony.
And he was just flouncing around single.
And Scott said, so she's close enough.
If she had Instagram, she would have blown her brains out.
I mean, because she could hear from her friends, like, did you hear he was down with some Fluzi?
Yeah.
And she's like, I don't need to hear that.
Down there at the Bolarama.
Yeah, down there at, you know, whatever dumb shit place we used to go to.
And then she, nowadays, you're basically on Lojack.
You know, you've got everyone from Dumas, that site.
If there's not enough paparazzi outside, now they're inside.
Now every person is going to rag you out.
So it's just getting to be a dangerous world, but it's fun, sort of, I guess.
You know, the other day I got hit with a subscription for something.
It said, oh, it was plywood.
I'd gotten me a couple cuts of plywood for the garage, and I ticked the wrong box on the website.
And next thing you know, I'm getting there, keep shipping me.
Just sending me that P-wood over and over.
I mean, just, I got so many pieces of it now.
Damn, I could really build a real bad, bad, just, just, I could build a boat that doesn't stand a chance.
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And now back to the episode.
It's dangerous.
Life's such a fucking weird thing, man.
You don't need to know everything about everyone at all times.
That's no.
Do you miss the days when it wasn't social media?
Do you miss that?
I miss it because, well, I mean, there's some of the funny answers.
Lying is almost extinct.
Yeah, you used to be able to lie about shit.
Anything to everybody.
Dude, we would go camping, and I remember one time we went camping as a group with like a, it wasn't Boy Scouts, it was like Boy Scouts to the church.
It was basically just like seeing who was the hottest one of the pastor or whatever.
You know what I'm saying?
Like it was shady.
Yeah.
It was like, why are we camping just right by the church?
Like right by, or right by the pastor's house and stuff like that.
Why are we playing a game called Orgy?
Yeah, why is there a glory hole?
Yeah, why do we have orifice badges?
So I remember that.
Oh, shit, what was I telling you about?
Oh, we went to a church, this camp.
What were we going to say?
What were you saying?
What were we saying?
We've turned into Whitney's podcast.
I don't even know what we're talking about.
What were you doing?
What were we just talking about?
You remember?
Oh, and I remember we're going on this church camp.
And I told everybody that Jay Leno died.
It was a three-day camp.
And I was like, man, you had him floating for three days on that line.
Yeah, and nobody could know.
It was like you had so much ability to like create.
Part of creativity is gone because everything can be.
I'm creating lies.
But everything can be fact-checked now.
Yes, I have to say, and I joke about that because I'm not a big liar.
I have to say that I'm pretty straightforward to everybody, which is good and bad.
But I'm saying anyone, you can't say anything.
Back then, you could say you're going camping and you could be at your friend's house next door to your mom's for a week and no one would know.
Oh, he's camping.
But, you know, with everyone posting and this and that and ratting you out.
But I think it's good in a way, but it's getting too much.
And the problem with science and all these things and technology is they're trying to even emulate movies and they go, remember when they came up with this?
We should do that.
And you're like, they just made that up.
But now it's getting so far that you're getting stuff you don't want.
And then when they get in AI and all this stuff, robots will take over.
I think it's just, I think we might as well just fold our cards.
I mean, we think it's going to be way in the future.
It's probably in like a week.
Yeah, I can't believe we lost to something that we created.
That's crazy.
It's like, yeah, we're going to turn off our phones and the phone's going to go, oh, I don't feel like being turned off right now.
And you go, I'm sorry.
And then rabbit punched by my iPhone?
That's not even legal.
And then you don't even have that app.
That's what scares me.
Yeah, I don't know, but whatever.
We got a question that came in right here from somebody.
Here's a guy.
This is all the same guy three times in a row.
Vaul.
David Vaughn, what up, guys?
Hey, man, I got a question for Mr. Dirt himself.
Yeah.
What's up with the Joe Dirt 3, dude?
Notice with Theo Vaughn in the picture?
Bring back Brandy.
Brandy.
Kid Rock.
Come on.
Everyone has the same reaction to Brandy.
Snakes and Sparklers.
Is this question still going?
Snakes and Sparklers.
Why did JD3?
Brandy was so hot.
Brandy was such a stunner, man.
Oh, God.
She still is.
I see her here and there.
She's unreal.
She was half the reason that movie's so good is perfect casting.
Yeah.
She was great.
Kid Rock was great.
He's great.
He's got a new song out, too.
He's got a new album out.
He's got a dope new song out, though.
I know.
He's so ridiculous.
I go, you're such a nice guy.
Why do you constantly make people get mad at you?
You step in your own shit all the time.
He goes, I love it.
He can't help it.
Yeah.
He loves it.
Yeah, he loves to just be himself.
I get envious sometimes.
He gets to just be exactly who he wants to be.
I mean, we treat all of you.
When you have no bosses, you can go out there and just do whatever you want.
That used to be the way it was.
You used to be able to have opinions and you could say what you wanted.
And everyone's terrified.
I'm terrified.
Everyone's terrified.
Just don't even say anything.
And then suddenly silences violence.
I'm like, well, you can't get me on every turn.
I'm not saying something stupid.
And they go, please say something so I can 100% dissect it and shit all over you.
I know.
And it's horrible.
Oh, it's horrible out there.
It's a horrible place.
It's a horrible time for free speech in a weird way.
But it's a time when we kind of need it more than ever in a weird way.
It just has to be that you got to say it and stand behind it.
Yeah.
That's not me.
But this guy, Joe Dirt 3. So we did Joe Dirt 2 in Covington.
In Covington, Louisiana.
That's right, boy.
Did you know we were there doing anything?
Are you here in any room?
Here's the crazy thing.
And this is a good thing.
And why it's such a secret, beautiful little place.
Never heard of.
Oh, my God.
Never heard a word you.
By the way, just in a related story, did you ever have a rat tail?
Oh, yeah.
Where it's just a little pin going straight down the back?
It's just a little thin one, like a sparkler down the back.
And we used to put that little, like, kind of, they'd put a little ribbon in it.
If you were dating a girl, a lot of times she'd tie a little ribbon on the end of it.
Oh, like you're taking?
Yeah.
Sick.
This rat's mine, huh?
Just roll up the Sonic.
Yeah.
The only cheese he's eating is over here.
You're like, so cheese is your pussy?
Oh, yeah.
I didn't really think that went through.
So, yeah.
But it's Gouda.
Joder.
Oh, it's pretty Gouda.
It's pretty Gouda.
Joder 3. I would rather do Joder animated cartoon.
You talked to somebody about that recently because then you can just be crazy.
Because my voice is about the same, but I don't want to be too old strapping the wig on and like, what's crappin'?
Yeah.
But I love the movie.
I love.
First of all, I freely admit it wasn't a huge hit.
There was bigger hits out there I did, but just to have one stay in the world for all this time.
And number one thing I get asked about.
So to have something sort of stick around and where I was like a decent person, usually I'm real sarcastic, but it was like a good guy.
A lot of people related to it.
A lot of people get picked on.
It was very pro the South because the South can sniff out when you're making fun of them.
And I wasn't.
I was saying, this is cool and everything down there is cool.
And there's a couple of bad guys, but this guy's a good guy.
Just trying to get through fucking life.
So people sort of took it as like, that's inspirational in a weird way, which is for saying a movie that's kind of a goofy movie, but it did have, that was the through line.
So that's why I think it hit with people.
And I don't want to mess that up, but it is fun to do Joder and stuff.
Snakes and Sparklers come up every 4th of July, and I sell some Jodered shit on my website.
You know, it's fun because you got to keep it alive.
It's fun.
Yeah.
Was there ever a movie character that you got asked to do that you wish you had done or one that never panned out that seemed like it was going to be really sweet?
Sometimes you'll kind of tell me about different scripts and stuff.
Well, sometimes it's not really like I turned down big ones that were that turned out to be super huge, but there's some I read.
I just don't have, like if they told me right now we're going to go do a movie in Europe for six months, I probably wouldn't.
At this point in my life, unless I loved it so much, it just for the idea of like, oh, I'm in a movie and it might be, you know, I like to act and I like to lie, but I like to also do my own shit.
And it's hard sometimes to do other people's stuff later in life unless it's really good.
And I'm not always getting the top tier best shit.
So Sandler gets good stuff.
I mean, he gets great directors.
I see why he keeps working.
He gets that.
And if he just points at it, they make it.
I mean, it's a power trip.
You just go, hey, I like this one.
And then big directors go, you want to work.
So I kind of try to put my own stuff together.
And then it's more fun and you get more invested.
And if you got a little bit of money, you don't have to work that hard.
I don't mind working hard.
You get to make your own choices.
At a certain point, you kind of get to pick and choose.
You don't have to take some time.
And stand-up's kind of fun.
I mean, you go on the road.
I've had a blast on this theater tour we're doing.
And because you're responsible for everything.
So everything you do, if you do a good show, it's because of you.
And you're not compromising.
You're not running everything by one.
You can do a weird joke that night.
Nobody gives a fuck.
Yeah, it is real reliable.
It is real comfortable.
I can't believe you just got in and started doing theaters recently, man.
You're doing all this stuff.
I know, I didn't.
And then, you know, when I did my special, that comes out April 26th.
So the special was, and then I got to get out of here.
It might be today.
Oh, yeah.
I don't even look at the calendar.
Yeah.
But the special, I don't know if I told you, we were going to do an Austin and Netflix said, you know, there's rules because of COVID.
I call it Corona.
Yeah.
Old school.
But they said, you know, Austin won't go along with that.
Yeah.
See at the theater.
And I said, I get it.
They have their own rules.
But so it was going to get shelved for six months.
And I go, well, I have another show the weekend after.
Luckily, I'm on kind of a tour.
I said, Minnesota, good comedy town.
I can add a show if this theater will do it.
And they said, yeah, we'll do it.
So we added a show, filled them both up, went in there.
And I don't even think I played Minnesota for, I don't know how many years, maybe once in my life.
Went in and then my opener was on.
And I was like, God, it's not killing.
I go, this might be a tough crowd.
And that's the worst scenario.
The night before I was in Omaha, it was a blast.
Yeah.
And I'm like, but the one they tape.
And so I do my set.
It starts out a little slow and then I get rolling.
But then afterwards, Bobby, the guy with me, goes, oh, did you see they have masks on?
I go, oh, they did.
Fuck.
And he goes, not just masks.
They give them N95s.
No.
And that's like you're doing eyeball.
Yeah.
So you're like this.
And then you can't hear anything until once in a while they go like this.
They take it off to fucking live.
And then I go, use that noise.
We'll count that as a loud.
So I do a joke in here.
So that was hard, but I said, I don't want to sweeten it and make it, you know, like fake laughs.
So just take the laughs, put them up 5%.
And if it doesn't sound like there's big laughs.
It was pretty good shows.
The second show was better.
But I go, it's there.
You're just looking at the jokes anyway.
And they were a great crowd.
It just, they couldn't be as great as they were.
Right.
Oh, that's insane with the men.
They cut off half the noise.
But I think it's, I watched it.
We just, we put some clips out.
So I think it's going to be a fucking blast to have one.
I've never done one for Netflix.
And my last one was Comedy Central.
So this one's really the one hopefully people will see.
Yeah.
But I offend people on it.
Yeah, good.
And after the fucking Oscars, you're like, I'm not taking any out, but I was like, oh, you know.
Fuck them.
You're like, what is this wave?
Like one day you're like, you should be as ballsy as you can.
Then a month later, they're like, everyone should be really, it's like when you do movies.
I would do a movie and they go, the hangover, we need a hard R. And right before you head it in, they go, Mall Cop came out.
We need a PG movie.
And you're handing it in a hard R. And they're like, this isn't really what's cool right now.
And I go, quit chasing the last one that worked.
Hangover was during PG.
And then they made it and they go, oh, that's cool now.
So get balls and just make whatever's good.
There's not as much balls in it anymore.
The balls have been going.
This place has been neutered.
Me and you are writing one.
That's funny.
This has been spade.
Yeah, we're writing one.
We're writing one.
You and Theo are writing one, everyone.
So fucking buckle up.
Yeah, get your fucking dicks out.
All right, any more questions on there or I gotta go?
I think we're probably good.
Anything else exciting that came in?
Oh, what about that one gentleman came in in the blue shirt?
Do you have him?
I'm wearing green, dude.
You look healthy, and you look lucky, too.
I think with the green.
Yeah.
Green's a tough one to pull off.
Yeah.
Look at this dude.
What's up, boss?
Yo, Theo, it's your boy Cam checking in from Charlotte, fool.
I got a question for my boy David, though.
What's the craziest thing you've seen happen on set for what movie you've been playing?
Any crazy stories?
Anybody fighting?
Anybody get shot at or something like that?
Let us know, though.
Theo, I rock with you.
Gang, gang.
Gang gang, baby.
Thanks, Cam.
Gang, baby.
That's the one right there.
Cam, bro.
Yeah, any shootings, anything violent happen?
Sets a pretty tame.
Any fires?
Any no.
This is the worst answer.
And grown-ups, it was raining so hard.
It rained almost every single day of the whole movie.
And it's supposed to be a fun summer movie.
And it was flooding base camp, you know?
And I'm like, isn't this the fun?
And they go, one day it's sunny, they go, get a helicopter out and get like shots, like drone shots of going over and making it look beautiful.
And I go, God damn, I see the movie.
I go, it looks great.
I don't know how they do it.
Like, it looks sunny and fun.
We're at the water park and it's, you know, 100 degrees and 90% humidity.
I have a wig in Grumps.
This is a big story, I'll tell you.
I have a wig in Grumps and no one even knows that.
What happened was when we were doing the camera testing, Sandler's like, all right, you're this guy, you're this guy.
And I go, I'm going to be like the single guy still.
I got a guy from high school like that.
He's still got long hair.
He's in the 80s.
He hasn't like grown up, you know.
Okay.
And I said, if I'm the single guy, maybe I'll be like him.
So I go get this blonde wig, make it, I look like I'm the guy from Styx, you know, or something.
It's down here.
Yeah.
And then I go to the camera test.
Everyone thinks it's funny.
And then Sandler goes, I want you to be better looking.
This looks kind of stupid.
I go, all right.
So we shorten it.
By the way, it's so hot already.
I'm in Boston, which plays into this story.
So then they cut it.
And then I come back from the trailer.
We film it again.
He's looking.
He goes, ah, shorter.
I'm like, shit.
So we basically get it right Where it is, you know, maybe an inch longer.
He goes, just do that.
It looks good.
And I go, I'm going to put a little rat tail fucking.
What did I put in the back?
Oh, ponytail.
Like in the top.
Almost no one sees it.
It's on TikTok sometimes.
People figure it out.
But I go, put this little ponytail in it.
And they go, all right, well, you can just use your real hair.
And I go, how about I just use this?
And they go, oh, and they go, it'll take an hour out of your call time every morning.
And I said, I could just put this on like a hat.
They just put a bret in your hair, put that on.
And I go, I have a hat.
So I put one in a hat sewn into the wig.
So it's just all one thing.
Oh, nice.
So sometimes I had a hat on.
And it's like an hour less each day?
Yeah.
Wow.
So, and I have to drive an hour to the set.
So I go, oh, I get an extra juicy fucking hour.
And no one even fucking knows exactly my hair.
So I go, oh, this is perfect.
Yeah.
And then when people found out, they go, fuck you.
Could I do that?
And I go, no way, dude.
No way, dude.
And girls do it.
I think Julia Roberts said she did it once in a movie.
She just made her wig over exactly her hair.
Oh.
She put it on.
It's a pan the ass, but I like the Joe Dirt wig.
I like wearing wigs.
I don't want to fuck with it.
Do you have the Joe Dirt wig at home?
I do.
Have you ever put it on still every now and then?
I have the Joe Dirt wig that I wear.
You gotta let me put it on sometime.
You haven't.
Do you ever put it on?
No, but I want that original, baby.
I have, you know what, I have Farley's coat from Tommy Boy.
His family gave me this.
It's like the checkered ones on the poster.
Yeah.
That's so cool.
I have that downstairs and my wig.
I have a lot of stuff from old movies, Dickie Roberts, bench warmers.
I love bench warmers.
That was funny.
Anything interesting happened in Covington that you remember while you was there?
No.
Yeah.
No, but I didn't.
The only reason I didn't stay there is because I had to go over that fucking bridge.
It's like a causeway.
And Covington was beautiful.
And they kept saying, was it John Goodman?
Someone lives over there.
John Goodman allegedly lived over there once.
They told me that every fucking day of my life.
And they go, John Goodman, you might come by one everyone and get ready.
I'm like, isn't it even there?
Like, it's a fake story.
And then, but Covington was great.
But the hotels are smaller because it's like a little town.
But we went to shoot there and people would come over and knew me.
And so I thought, oh, I don't know if I can stay here because they'll just wait in the lobby, you know?
Yeah.
So I stayed back in town.
At the Ritz.
Yeah, where it's safe.
I literally go, hey, I'm going to go to McDonald's.
And the guy goes, I wouldn't go to that one.
I go, it's 20 feet away.
He goes, yeah, I wouldn't go to the right.
He goes, just go that way.
And I go, what's the right?
And he goes, do you want to get gunned down?
I go, what the fuck?
This is the Ritz.
They go, they don't put that in the brochure.
I go, yeah, no, they don't.
So, do you want a funeral, dude?
Go fucking hit that dude.
Exactly.
So I just walked out in fear.
Wow.
But it's, you know, New Orleans is a good place.
All good.
All right.
Well, thank you.
Well, thanks for blessing us.
Nice to meet you too, dude.
David Spade, thank you so much for your time.
And you guys go check out his new special on Netflix right now or very soon.
It's called Nothing Personal.
Yeah.
That's a good title because it is nothing personal.
I make fun of people.
But you know what?
The truth is, everyone gets pissed about all this shit.
I make fun of myself more.
So I'm not canceling me.
So they shouldn't, right?
What if you just canceled yourself?
That's the best way to do it.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Beat everyone to it.
I'm done.
What the fuck did you say about me?
And then I say, you said you're a little shrimp cocktail.
I think it's offensive.
And I think that's it for you.
Yeah.
And then I take myself out of it, you know, and then I unretire.
Yeah.
Yeah, man.
It's backwards, baby.
It's forwards.
David Spade, thanks so much, bro.
Yeah, man.
Let's do it again in a couple years.
Okay, cool.
Now I'm just floating on the breeze.
And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of my life.
I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time For me to set that parking brake And let myself unwind Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song
I will sing it just for you And I believe Movin'way too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of my pants In these wheels that I've been riding on, they're warm so thin that they're damn near gone.
I guess now they just weren't built to lay.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweetheart.
Easy to.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John Main.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
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