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May 3, 2022 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
01:28:50
E391 Shane Gillis

Shane Gillis is a stand-up comedian and podcaster. His comedy special "Live in Austin" is available on his youtube channel.  Shane Gillis returns Find Shane: https://www.instagram.com/shanemgillis/?hl=en ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com Podcastville mugs and prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com ------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: Manscaped: Go to https://manscaped.com to get 20% off + free shipping with code THEO ShipStation: Go to https://www.shipstation.com Get a free 60-day trial today with promo code THEO.  Keeps: Go to https://keeps.com/THEO to get your first month of treatment free. Babbel: Go to https://babbel.com/THEO for up to 60% off your subscription.  Draftkings: Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app NOW, use promo code THEO, throw down $5 on any UFC 274 fighter to win, and get $150 in free bets if they do. *If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 1-877-770-STOP (7867) (LA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA/MI/NJ/ NY/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. Min. $5 deposit required. Eligibility restrictions apply. See http://draftkings.com/sportsbook for details. ------------------------------------------------- Music: "Shine" by Bishop Gunn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Well, thank you.
We can do it.
You can do it.
And we can do it together if we want.
I'm doing some shows, and that is May 7th.
I will be in Los Angeles.
We added a show right in Los Angeles here for the Netflix is a joke festival.
That's at the Wiltern.
Albuquerque, May 18th.
Midland, May 19th in Texas.
Lubbock, Texas, May 20. Dallas, Texas, May 21. And a show has been added there and selling well.
Almost sold out.
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Savannah, Georgia, June 2nd.
Augusta, Georgia, June 3rd.
Montgomery, Alabama, June 4th.
Columbus, Georgia, June 5th.
If you have friends over there in Georgia or people that love Georgia, you tell them about it.
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Grab your tickets at theova.com slash T-O-U-R.
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Thank you guys so much in advance for your support.
And I look forward to seeing you on the Return of the Rat tour.
Today's guest is a very talented young man.
And he's a great comedy man.
And he's so happy he's here today.
And he has his own podcast called Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast.
He has his special live in Austin, which has over 4 million views on YouTube.
Happy to have him return to this past weekend, my friend, Mr. Shane Gillis.
And let myself all wild shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song I'll be singing just so.
I'll see you next time.
Shane Gillis, man, your life, you're getting busy, man.
I am busy.
Yeah.
I mean, you're getting busy, man.
Do things start feeling a little bit different?
Because I feel like you're kind of becoming like the guy, you know?
Thanks, man.
Like the handsome Tim Dylan.
I am.
I was going to say, yeah.
The second part had to be because the handsome.
I was like, wait, what?
Like the Tom Selich meets Tim.
Yeah.
Yeah, a little more.
Yeah.
I don't know.
How did you feel when it happened for you?
When it was the come up?
Because it makes me uncomfortable.
Yeah, that's an interesting question, man.
I don't think you know that it's really happening to you.
Like it's happening, but it's, I think the funny thing is more of it's happening for other people in some ways.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because they're all watching it.
Yes.
But the way you, the way that I noticed it started to seem for me was like people would kind of stop me and I was like, oh, this is interesting.
I don't know if I'm going to be able to not be seen in some types sometimes now, like in some ways, maybe.
And then people started coming to the shows and that was the part.
That's it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like occasionally, like occasionally I'll get a pop on an intro and I'll be like, oh shit.
Like this is new.
This is crazy.
Yeah.
Oh, yes.
Oh, that, you know what?
That's actually exactly.
Yeah.
First time I got one, I did a guest spot.
It was right after I did Rogan the first time.
I did a guest spot on Tim Dylan's show.
Yeah.
And it was like a surprise guest and I got a pop and I was like, oh, what the fuck?
People are crazy.
I thought, oh, this is good.
Because the next night I went back to Philly and I did a spot on DeStefano's show in Philly, which is where I'm from.
And I was like, I'm going to get another pop.
We got a guest spot for you, Shane Gillis.
I walked out and it was like, I was like, damn, I thought I had something going.
And it was just you clapping by your hands.
Yeah, he's just like, this guy's great.
Yeah, dude, that's when it is.
I think that's when it is.
You know what?
That's really the perfect thing.
It's like, yeah, it's like when you're going on stage and you're like, oh my gosh, there's people like they'll say something you've said before.
They'll yell out a term.
Dude, we were doing a storytelling show last night.
And, well, two weeks ago.
Oh, because last night.
That was at the Nashville Comedy Festival.
At the Wild, what is it?
Wild West Comedy Festival?
No, I think it was just Nashville Comedy Festival.
Yeah, at Nashville Comedy Festival.
It was at the Rhyman, and it was a storytelling show.
It was Ari's show.
And like two seconds into my set, because I was like opening with some material, I said two words.
I was like, I like history.
And this guy was like, do a story.
I was like, dude, you knew two words of my material?
That's new?
You psycho?
Then he came up after he looked like hell.
He was like, that was me that yelled at.
I was like, you ruined.
Yeah.
Don't give me a high five.
Yeah, why do these people always, there's always that guy.
He's like, hey, I was the guy that ruined.
I was the one who fucking yelled and ruined your shit.
Remember me?
There's always that urchin.
He's like, hey, he like slides up.
It's almost like this, it's like it's always some real.
I wish you could see this dude.
He looked like a miner.
He looked like a 49er.
Oh, yeah.
Like beard.
Like, hey, I came up.
And his bro were fully decked out in Titans gear.
Everything Titans.
Yeah, Titans.
It was crazy.
Titans condom.
Bros, though.
For real good bros.
Definitely a Titans.
Oh, I bet he had a Tanny Hill condom on.
Dude, I bet.
I bet.
You know, Rob Baronis hit a tree not far from here.
He used to be a field goal kicker.
Yeah.
And he hit the upright.
Rob My Baronas.
Yeah.
And he hit a tree?
How's he doing?
He's gone.
He's in heaven.
He died from hitting a tree.
He got heavened out.
Yeah.
That'll do it.
He hit that wide right, bro.
He hit the upright.
Damn.
Yeah, it's kind of a.
It's terrible.
It's like lore around the Nashville area.
It's lore.
It's where Rob Baronis hit a tree.
Yeah, and they even have his initials on the tree, too.
Really?
Still.
What was I going to say?
Oh, yeah, dude.
So it's, yeah, you're just, this is kind of it.
You know, where you get busy and then you can sell tickets.
And I think that's the amazing thing is that people want to come see you.
It's like, because it's almost weird with comedy.
You get going in it and you're just doing it and it becomes just about the comedy.
And then you realize, wow, people want to come see me.
Like there's something about me that they, sometimes it's not the comedy, I think, especially with podcasters and especially with your story kind of like being the like, you know, there's a whole fuck SNL type of energy out there in the world anyway.
And I think that you add that with your, you're, you know, just being insanely funny.
And then it's like, oh, I want to go see this guy.
And then people with podcasts, they like the person.
They want to see the person.
Yeah.
It's, it's, yeah, it's crazy.
Yeah.
It happened pretty quick.
Yeah.
So like, cause it's no tickets forever.
And then all of a sudden people want to show up and like, ah, like they yell your dad's name out.
You're like, all right, take it easy.
Ronnie's son.
Chill.
It's Ronnie's son.
I'm trying to do stand-up.
Yeah.
This isn't the podcast.
It's fun, though.
Do you think sometimes people don't know when they come if it's going to be like the podcast or if it's different?
I find that sometimes I find that some people are like, oh, I thought there's songs after the show, somebody's like, man, I thought it was going to be like the podcast, you know?
And I almost feel bad.
I'm like, dang, you know.
Sorry.
Yeah, I wish I could make it.
It's not as good.
Stand-up.
Podcasts are funny.
Stand-up is me doing something.
Yeah.
Like doing my little art.
Yeah.
But man, yeah, congrats on everything, dude.
It's awesome.
It's funny because I even look at you and I even get like just gel.
I'm like, oh, the, because the funnest thing is when people are getting to like getting to know you, you know?
Yeah.
And I mean, obviously, I still have a ton of people getting to know me.
I'm not saying like I've made it or nothing, but.
You could say that, yeah.
Like you stay busy enough, you know, but the funnest part is, yeah, when people are like, oh, Shane Gillis, you're the Shane Gillis.
I wonder if that's, because that's how I feel about like my buddy, some of my friends are still doing like open mics and hanging out in Philly, and I'm like, damn, that was the best.
Oh, yeah.
Like now, I wonder if you're just having the same thing where you're like, no, the best was when it started.
Oh, yeah.
Because if this is the best, I'm going to be sad.
Yeah.
Because if this only gets worse from here, I'm already pretty bummed out.
Yeah, that's true.
I'm not doing great.
That could be something.
That could be something.
So, dude, because you grew up in Pennsylvania, man, you grew up out in, were you like in Amish country?
Did you ever have any interaction with the Amish?
There's a lot of Amish around.
Wow.
Yeah.
Lancaster, I was like 30, 40 minutes west of Amish country.
But they're around, dude.
Did you ever get approached by them?
Because I could see you being like, I definitely, if I'm Amish and I'm a, you know, I don't want to say a milk drinker.
Yeah, yeah.
But if I'm somebody that's close to that udder.
They'd be getting milk.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They saw me.
Yeah.
That guy's a jug of milk, obviously.
Like, that guy's 8% right there.
Yeah.
No, but you'll see him.
We used to yell at them when we were kids.
What would y'all say like?
Nice fucking horse, dumbass.
Get a car, you fucking idiot.
No.
He drive past them.
It was fun.
Now I look back on it like, that's very inappropriate.
The crazy part is people that yell out like, queers.
These aren't gay people.
Still, that's lovely.
I mean, they're gay for wood.
They're horriphobic and I don't stand for it.
Yeah.
That's funny.
Yeah, yeah.
Driving by an Amish dude in a buggy and be like, you fucking homo.
He's got to be like, what the fuck?
Oh, dude, a couple black dudes called me the N-word a couple months ago, dude.
And it was like.
That kind of brightens your day a little.
I felt, you know, I was like, you promised.
You know, I didn't know what to say.
That's so cool, that you guys.
Like, say it again, man.
It's cool when you guys.
Yeah.
We like it.
I remember when I was young, somebody was throwing rock.
Me and my buddy were fishing.
It was a black friend of mine who's, I think, in jail for murder now, man.
My friend Devin.
But he were fishing and some white, some racist white dude or somebody racist who looked white from where we were, was up on these train tracks and starts throwing rocks at us and yelling the N-word, right?
And so I jump out and I'm like, not me, dude.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, at least fucking.
Yeah, don't get me.
I'm getting the wrong guy.
You're going to hit me with a rock.
But that shit was wild.
Dude, the Amish every once in a while get smoked by like trucks.
Uh-uh.
Dude, they're driving horse and buggies.
The truck driver will go wide right and just splatter them.
Rob Baron.
Horses and shit.
It's bad.
Really?
And they hit him.
And I guess, oh, oh.
Would you rather get hit from the back with a truck or from the front?
Like, definitely from behind.
Boss.
Definitely from.
I don't want to see that thing coming, dude.
You don't.
I don't want to have one second to be like, oh, here it comes.
I just want to just fade to black.
That'd be nice.
What sound would you make?
I said, I don't want to think about that.
Wait, am I in a car or I'm just getting?
No, you're just walking.
You're out there walking.
Something's not going good.
Yeah.
Something's gone wrong.
Yeah, something is wrong in walking out there.
And I'm walking, and yeah, I definitely want it to be from behind.
Yeah.
I don't want it, dude, because if you see it coming to your last, you know, you're going to be trying to get out of the way at the last second.
That's going to be your last thing you do.
And the saddest part, if one of your friends saw you, because you probably put your hands up.
Yeah, he put his hands up to try to stop it.
Like, you see that idiot?
A fire truck hit him.
He put his hands up.
Yeah, you would, dude.
Of course you would.
Yeah, that would be tough, man.
It'd be tough to figure that out.
So was there a lot, was there Amish people like in your, like, was it a, was there, like, would y'all go to any Amish markets?
I'm just trying to wonder some of these.
There's Amish markets and shit.
Oh, Branks.
I didn't really go to those, but they have, we have like Mennonite kids in our school.
Wow.
Yeah.
Chick that would wear like a bonnet.
Yeah.
They were like, because there's, there's, there's levels to Amish.
And there's Mennonites that I don't think follow like the no electricity and shit, but they'll like drive.
The only color their car can be is black.
They can drive it like twice a week or some crazy shit.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Oh, dang.
They're not all like strict, no electricity, no this.
Yeah.
Oh, dang.
So they got some like Batman Mennonite kind of stuff.
Yeah, there's a lot of those guys.
Damn.
I didn't realize that.
They're flying, dude.
They're out there.
Yeah, we tried.
I know we tried for a while to get a real Amish or somebody semi-Amish on here, and we couldn't do it.
I was at a football game in Indiana.
There's a lot of them in Indiana and Ohio, too.
And these dudes were just on Rum Springer, fucking tailgating with us.
Wow.
And they were getting wrecked, dude.
Damn.
And they were jacked from all the fucking work.
Oh, yeah.
Just getting hammered.
Just idiots.
They were doffed.
Oh, they could build a birdhouse with their tongue.
They're still building everything.
The Amish, they'll build a damn.
They were like.
And they speak with a crazy accent.
Really?
I can't even do it.
I don't know.
They call us the English.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
I didn't know that.
For sure.
And they look at themselves as religious, but they don't look at themselves as like English or anything.
No, they think we're the English.
They're the, I don't know what the fuck they are, Germans?
Damn.
Yeah, they're wrong.
Yeah.
They're just wrong across the board.
For some of the women, did y'all see some of them Amish?
Nice babe.
It's rare.
But if you see a hot Amish chick, it's like, damn, that's good.
That's my queen.
Yeah.
She's in a beautiful flowery dress.
Yeah.
No one's touched her.
Oh.
What a sweet angel.
Stinks like hell.
You think they smell good or bad?
No, they smell bad.
Oh.
Yeah.
They do smell bad.
I hope that, well, yeah, they're not going to care.
Oh.
Yeah.
They don't smell great.
Yeah, there's something kind of romantic.
I feel like there's some sense of romance about it.
Yeah, for sure.
Because I think you always romanticize like a woman with a pail of water and, you know, and you can help her.
Hey, I'll be, you know, let me help you.
I'll build us a boat or something.
You know, like, I feel like, and you can almost, you could use anything to get some excitement.
You could be like, hey, let's, you know, have you ever done this?
And you just do like the Dougie for them or something, you know?
You just do like something like, have you ever done the soldier boy?
You just do something like that.
Yeah, you do something crazy that they've never seen.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They've never even seen it.
You're incredible.
This is going to be a hit.
This is a hit.
Yeah, this is a hit.
It's going to be a hit.
Yeah.
Like the soldier boy hit that.
Even if you just do this, smash hit.
And they're like, oh my gosh.
I've never even thought of doing that.
I just think some of the ways you could hit on Amish women would be insane, dude.
For sure.
Or if you did this thing, you know, like, oh.
They might burn you.
They might burn you.
You might get lit up.
Even if you do Soldier Boy, they might burn you.
They might be like, dude, that's witchcraft.
We're not having that here.
Imagine how peaceful...
You think it's peaceful being Amish on the inside of him, or you think it's...
That's the thing.
Like you were saying, it might be great.
Yeah.
Just fucking working, doing real work, like farm work, building shit, and then you go to sleep.
Ooh, yeah.
I don't know.
And you don't, no one around you is fucking doing good.
Yeah.
So that helps.
You're not on Instagram.
No.
But I wonder if there's an intense fear missing out because you're seeing, you see one car go by and something, you know, there's a little, you know, there's some woman with a bathing suit.
You've got to lose your mind.
Yeah.
You're just sitting behind a horse going fucking four miles an hour down that fucking highway.
Convertible flies by.
And something you just smell like.
You hear one second of cool music.
Yes.
What the fuck was that?
Yeah, yeah.
What the fuck, dude?
And dad's like, get your eyes back in your head.
Samuel.
You're like, Jesus, dude.
Why are we doing this?
This sucks.
It must feel like you're on the most insane Halloween ever, I feel like.
I mean, yeah, if you ever get it, and they do rum spring it, and that's as long as you want.
It's not like one year.
Some of them stay out for like 10 years, have a regular life, and then they're like, back to Amish.
Guys, I gotta let y'all know what I mean.
I'm going back.
Yeah.
Brick is probably fucking sick.
You just burn out in real life.
You just go so hard.
Go as hard as you can, get addicted to shit.
Yeah.
Then you're like, dude, I'm going back to the farm.
I bet when you roll back in there, though, I bet people are coming up and smelling your breath.
Wanting to touch you.
Like, what was it?
What was it like?
Yeah.
I've been doing cocaine.
Edward was at Rum Springer.
Look at him.
I've been doing cocaine.
Yeah.
It's crazy.
You know how much we get done around here?
Yeah.
Oh, that's fascinating, man.
See, I wish we didn't have nothing like that growing up, dude.
We grew up actually, they had like an adult store near us sometimes, and sometimes they would throw like boxes of stuff that was like defunct in the woods.
And so we'd be back there.
People would come back with all kinds of sex toys and shit with pine needles and stuff on them.
But we didn't have anything like, and we had black people, white people, but we didn't get any almost mythological creatures when you go.
You know what I'm saying?
It's a real.
Pull up an Amish, brother.
Can you pull up a Land Dutch, I think they call them as well?
They are, yeah.
It is just a different, they're just doing a different time period for no reason.
Which is, it's just unbelievable.
It's 1820.
It's like, why?
Yeah.
Oh, it's beautiful.
Now, see the horses.
Lancaster is beautiful, though.
That area where they're at.
Oh, yeah.
It's awesome.
Well, and also, I wonder what happens if they see the horses having sex.
Does that set, you know, is that an awkward time for everybody?
I wonder.
I bet they don't give.
I don't think they, I think they're like, great, more horses.
Oh, I think they're, yeah.
They're not thinking of it like us like porn.
No, like, dude, he's fucking the shit out of that horse.
That's awesome.
I wish I could do that.
Yeah.
It's not like Mardi Gras New Orleans.
There's a video of Mardi Gras New Orleans, like there's a cop on a horseback and another cop on a horse and one horse.
Which I think is the gayest thing you can.
It's almost bestiality, too.
If you're riding shotgun on a horse fuck, who are you?
You notice God still know you?
That's the part that really gets me.
What was that time period?
We actually had a question that came in about a time period.
Was this it?
That's beautiful.
Yeah, let's go with it.
Shane Theo, what's up?
It's Jesse Boone coming to you from Atmore, Alabama.
Love both of y'all.
Love both y'all's content.
Love both of y'all's specials, but podcasts.
Keep it up, fellas.
I love it.
Shane, I'm a history nerd.
Get the sense that you're a bit of a history nerd.
Got a question for you.
Two questions, really.
One, what's your favorite period of history to read about or listen to a podcast about?
And two, when and why haven't you started a ripoff of the old history of hyenas, a la Chrissy Chaos and Yanni Poppy?
Love you guys.
Gang, gang.
Gang, baby.
Thank you, brother, for the question, Mr. Boone there.
Yeah.
I mean, World War II is the easy one.
That's the cool one.
Everybody likes that one.
And is that the one?
Who were they killing in that?
Was that Jews or not?
It was?
Yeah.
Yeah, I got.
They killed everybody, though.
Oh, they did.
But they got it pretty bad.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
They got Jay'd out, yeah.
Yeah, that was a rough one for them.
They don't like that stuff.
World War II.
Yeah.
Oh, trust me.
Every book at the airport's about it.
Yeah.
I get it.
Yeah, and yeah, I feel that.
I like the Civil War, though.
The American Civil War.
I love it.
Yeah, bro.
You ever go to the Nashville battlefield here?
Dude, we used to do, when I was growing up, we used to do CWRs all the time, man.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, we'd be at them, man.
We got to do the drum a few times.
What else?
I got to be like a soldier.
I used to go to CWRs constantly.
Do you really?
Yeah.
Because of Lancaster.
I was in Gettysburg.
I grew up right next to Gettysburg.
Dude, the reenactments were fucking crazy.
Fucking, we should have fucking won.
I love up now.
You guys stunk, dude.
We fucked you guys off.
When we took the gloves off, the North just rained down on them, dude.
Well, you know where we fucked up is we kept a lot of the brothers out of the fight.
Yeah.
Obviously.
Obviously.
If we'd have had a plan to get, I think it did, you know, get a little bit more, get a bit more urban.
Yeah, we kept it way too, I think, honkied out.
Yes.
Yeah.
Towards the end, the union was like, get the brothers in also.
Yeah.
Shit started, got bad.
But you guys had a lot of, I don't know why you guys won.
I guess we probably had some disorganization.
No, you guys, the South was much better.
The generals were better.
It was organized, but like Lee and fucking Stonewall Jackson and Longstreet, those guys were beasts.
That's why they were even in the fight was because of how good they were.
Oh, wow.
Because the union outnumbered them more industry, more guns.
But they just didn't have that streets.
They didn't have that smarts.
They had pussies at General.
Yeah.
Allegedly.
I don't want to besmirch these guys.
But I could say probably maybe they had some real nerds up there.
I could see that.
They had nerds.
Well, they were all West Point guys, but they were all like, there's a guy named McClellan who just wouldn't.
Oh, yeah, George.
Yeah, he just wouldn't attack.
Yeah.
They're like, you got to go.
Lincoln was like, go, dude.
People in the woods are yelling, boo.
Oh, that's crazy.
Sherman and Grant, dude.
Sherman came down and gave you guys what for?
He got fucking lucky.
Pull up a picture of Sherman, huh?
Mr. Sherman, the Civil War.
Who's the man?
Let's get a look at him.
I have his picture hanging in my house.
Do you really?
You got Sherman and Grant.
And Custer.
Oh, George Custer?
Yeah.
And he was the one Dayton Indians as well, I think.
That's the one with his arms crossed, crazy hair.
A lot of DIY, man, a lot of Dayton Indians yourself.
They had a lot of those dudes out there.
A lot of them, you know, dipping in the cornmeal if you don't say them, brother.
Bro, what would you be doing?
I mean, I don't know.
You just get done committing an atrocity.
You're not going to want to have some sex?
Yeah.
At this point, you're done.
Right, you're done.
You've sold your soul.
You are evil.
That's a good thing.
Let's go.
Once you go evil, then you're in evil.
It's like normally I wouldn't just grab this lady.
Yeah.
But I did just kill a family.
Yeah, you're right.
Damn.
It's time to go.
That's crazy.
Once you go full evil, you're full evil.
I never really thought about that.
You know, we had a guy that live across the street from us named Brad, and I think he killed his mother, who was our favorite lunch lady, Annie.
Dude, and we loved her, dude.
And she like, one of her hands shook or both of them shook.
And she would like get the food and it would just wait for the food to get to your plate.
It was like one of those guys that used to drive the dynamite trucks back in the day, you know, on the rocky roads.
It was just unbelievable.
And then the grandson came.
Well, he, I think they thought that if they killed her, she was going to get, they were going to get the apartment.
And they didn't get it.
No, the landlord kept it.
Somebody else.
The landlord was like, that's not how this works, dude.
Yeah, dude.
Just bad fucking people.
This is in fucking medieval times.
Yeah, it was just a lot of them.
Kill them and be the heir to this apartment.
Yeah, just bad organization, man.
But yeah, dude, I can't believe that.
The Civil War would have been insane.
Dude, I have had these dreams where I go like undercover boss into like, I don't want to say slavery, but like I'm like an undercover boss like in a, like amongst like a slaves, you know, slave group or something.
I don't know what they like, I don't know what the correct term is, you know, but I always had these dreams where I go undercover, that show undercover boss or something, I think.
Yeah.
You know?
Oh, okay.
Yes, I get it.
Sorry.
Took me a while.
I was just worried about where this was going.
Yeah.
So you're saying you would want to be a plantation owner that's like undercover bosses.
No, I'm not saying anything like that.
Okay.
What I'm saying is it would be undercover boss.
No, I'm saying I have had dreams where I go undercover boss and like a, and I'm like a foreman at like a like a like a I don't know what you call it, like a During slave times, yes, yes, and what are you saying?
So, that would be a plantation, yes, okay, yeah.
So, you would want to be the boss of the plantation?
No, I don't want to be, but then how could you be the undercover boss?
Because I'm having dreams where you do undercover bossing where they like send the boss to work at the plantation.
I get it, right?
Okay, do you want to be the undercover boss or are you just dreaming it up for the moment?
No, no, it's not a dream.
It's not like in my, you know, like 20. You wrote it down?
You woke up like that.
That was a great idea, dude.
I'm going to get this done.
It's not on a vision board.
Yeah.
It is just, I have apparitions in my head while I'm resting.
Yeah.
You know what I'm talking about nighttime dreams.
Yes.
So you want the owner of slaves to, and how would he be undercover?
What would he have to do?
No, you're suddenly undercover.
I just keep in the dream, I'm undercover, and I'm like, oh, what do you guys want to do today?
You know, but I'm seeing if anybody wants to sneak out or escape.
So it's like.
I'm doing it like for bad reasons.
Yeah, I'm like Secret Shopper.
You know what I'm talking about?
You know what I'm talking about, Secret Shopper, where people come in and they order the food, but they're not really there to eat.
They're sneaking around for somebody.
Sure.
Yeah.
I thought you were going down there to check on morale and be like, how's everybody doing?
Oh, yeah.
If you were going down to be like, any of you motherfuckers trying to leave?
Look.
Let's just order that Nazi pizza that we ordered last time you were here.
This isn't good, man.
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You see somebody and you ask them something and they don't know.
And they do know, but they can't even...
When you play that, they do charades.
You know, they'll tell you, what do you want for lunch?
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Here's a young man, and this guy seems like he has a lot of problems.
Let's get a question from him.
Hey, what's up, Shane?
It's Austin calling from Denver.
Just want to know, who's the bigger patriot?
You or Theo?
Let me know.
Gang Babe, well, I think with historical accuracy, it's obviously you.
I mean, you know more even about civil war reenactments and stuff like that.
I don't know.
I'm kind of, I don't know.
I don't know enough about your patriotism.
I believe that I like tradition.
You know, that's where I'm at, you know.
So I really like tradition.
I like, I think tradition is important to keep a country a country.
Yeah.
So I think a lot of our tradition gets killed off these days by people that are fucking lames.
Yes.
So I think, yeah, honestly, that sounded more patriotic than anything I would ever say.
Really?
Yeah.
Like I would even do, I remember sometimes I would do the Pledge of Allegiance like this.
Oh, shit.
That's crazy.
I had a kid.
I remember in high school, my buddy would sit down during the national anthem, a guy I knew, chubby white kid, every day.
I'd be like, get up.
Yeah.
Get up.
So mad that he was doing that.
So mad.
I was a kid, though.
I was like, you better stand up.
I just saw Saving Private Ryan.
I love the sniper in that movie.
Get up.
Yeah, I think there was.
I mean, I like, I don't know.
I guess I'm just also, I grew up with a lot of traditions.
So you kind of get used to that stuff and you think it's important.
Yeah.
And it keeps people associated with one another.
It's like you can relate to other generations because you have similar things that you've all done.
But I don't know.
I mean, to me, that kind of sounds pretty important.
But I don't know who could be a real Patriot.
But my favorite movie is The Patriot next to A League of Their Own.
So, yeah.
I love that movie.
I've seen two people.
This is crazy.
I had two flights.
I had a connecting flight.
On the first flight, I fell asleep.
The guy in front of me was watching A League of Their Own.
The second flight, I like came up from another nap, and the dude was watching League of Their Own.
And I was like, is this the same flight?
I was like, did I dream?
It's crazy.
Who's watching that?
Yeah, it's a great film.
Yeah.
Me or people that like to also maybe listen to this show.
I remember my sisters rented that.
Yeah.
And when I was a little kid.
And it came in the white case.
Remember?
Fuck this movie.
I don't want to watch this movie.
It's fucking girls.
It's stupid.
And then I watched it and I was like, fucking nice, dude.
League of their own rules.
So good.
Dude, we went to Rockford, Illinois recently, did a show there and got to go to the town and go to the museum and see like all the old equipment and attire and stuff.
Really?
It was pretty cool.
I believe there's one woman left.
Can you see, is there anybody still alive from Rockford Peaches Championship?
Rockford Peaches Championship?
Yeah, I was want to see if anybody's still living from it because they had one lady and they kept wheeling her out at events and it was getting dicey.
It was like, it got rough.
Some of the last pictures, she just had like a bake sale.
And bro, I don't even know if she's alive, dude.
And there's just, somebody's playing like a radio.
It's like, we are members of the y'all.
She just, bro, there's nothing left in the tank.
What you got there, buddy?
Margaret Wiggleser?
A peach.
Oh, January 2019, the last living local Rockford Peaches.
Oh, R. Helen Waddle.
Who's had some health scares.
At her 90th birthday, and Angie Argomato.
Wow.
Angie Argomato.
Dang.
That's crazy, boy.
Your name's one letter short of anger.
It's A-N-G-E, they spell it.
How did you know you were funny when you were young?
Did you know you were funny?
What was going on with you?
Yeah, I knew I was funny.
I was kind of a dickhead growing up.
Like in school and shit.
Yeah.
I always had fun making fun of people.
Oh, yeah.
Talking shit.
When you're young, that's the best way.
I loved it.
Yeah.
Yelling.
Yeah.
Class, school, what's better than being funny in school?
Farting in class?
I never did.
Farting you did it?
Oh, I used to, yes.
Wow.
And dude, my one buddy used to fart.
Yeah, he used to really do it.
And he would come up to you and be like, it was a funny joke.
He would walk up to you and go, who do you want me to pass this gas to?
And he'd go, you'd pick someone and he would walk up to their desk, fart on the desk.
How fun is that?
Dude, he used to shit differently.
In high school, he would shit differently.
He would come up a different way to take a shit.
And me and all my friends would come in and watch him.
Like sometimes he would hold himself up from the top of the stalls and drop it in.
Oh, yeah.
He'd plank at the top with his ass down.
And we got in trouble.
A teacher came in.
It was like, what the fuck is going on?
He was holding himself up.
His face was dark red because it was so hard to do, dude.
It was hard to do.
It was so hard.
He would drop like one drop out.
We'd be like, yo, let's go.
People were screaming.
A math teacher came in and was like, what the fuck are you guys doing?
Get out of here.
We all had to run.
You're like, divide this bitch.
He's just shitting.
Yeah, dude.
There is something amazing.
Shit is like such magic because it's like, you can just make shit come out of your body.
It's almost like doing magic, you know?
I bet the first time nobody had ever seen it, somebody was like, had just opened their eyes and had never eaten.
And then one guy would already eat and rolled up.
And he's like, hey, watch this.
Like, that's insane.
I bet that was really pretty, pretty powerful.
Yeah, when you're young, you're like fascinated with it.
I remember like you watch animals, shit.
You're looking around.
You're like, damn, shitting's crazy.
Everyone's shitting.
I would watch myself shit.
I remember sticking my head, like as a kid, trying to watch.
And really seeing, yeah.
Poop's coming out of your body.
I mean, the fact that something's leaving your body that you didn't.
I didn't know how it worked.
And I was like, oh my God, dude, I didn't, I didn't, maybe I've been eating this in my sleep.
Yeah.
I was like, have I been eating this in my sleep?
You ever shit outdoors?
Yeah.
It's a tough one.
I've never done it.
You never shit it out at all?
I've never shit outdoors.
My buddies have, and I hate it.
Oh, you hate it?
Anytime I've been around it, it's just the worst.
It's the worst.
It smells so fucking bad out of water.
Out of water?
Yeah.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
Not in the toilet.
A dump is catastrophic.
Yeah, I think it kind of depends on where you do it and how you do it.
Because I got a feeling you've shit outside a lot.
Oh, well, dude, when I was young, they had this kid in our town named Mario.
And he died, actually.
He drove his boat into an embankment, which is insane.
And R.I.P.
Man, I feel so sorry for him.
His mother was a librarian and beautiful guy.
He was Italian, I think, or semi-Italian.
Yeah.
And he would defecate in his yard.
And I was younger than him.
And for us to be friends, I've told this story.
He'd make me bury the poops in his yard.
And so I was always over there, you know, shoveling around.
And his yard had a lot of silt.
I think it was like alluvial soil.
Okay.
So I was always over there, you know, moving, you know, and sometimes you'd get too many in one area and he'd make you move them to another area.
You got to move the bodies.
Oh, like I'm John Wayne Gacy or something.
Oh, that was a nightmare.
Like, how did he talk you into that?
Oh, he's one of those kids that didn't even blink.
He was just had just like sheer electricity going on.
He's a dude to come over to my house.
Yeah.
Well, if he's like, if you want to hang out here, you're going to do this.
And I was a kid, you know, so I remember getting a lot of looks at, you know, at that kind of work.
And.
Yeah, you can judge for that.
Yeah, but myself, I did Mount Kilimanjaro one time with a buddy, and I remember for an extra $150, the Sherpas that go with you will build you a little duty tent because otherwise you got to just defecate in the wild, you know?
And there's other things shitting out there.
You know, there's a lot of animals out there.
You're in Africa.
Yeah.
So there's, you know, it's weird when you're out there shitting, you can feel other things shitting in the distance.
It makes you, it's got a real Royal Rumble type of vibe.
You know, you're not the only one in the ring, you know?
And so I remember being up there for an extra $150, they'll build you that little, you know, they'll get you that little, yeah, that just little duty domicile.
You know, they'll really construction you up a little shit hostel.
And so, yeah, we did it.
And thankfully, we were able to go in there, you know, but there was a couple times where we couldn't.
And we would do it outdoors out on the, on the mountain.
Yeah.
Kind of nice.
But yeah, I guess that school lunch table was the most fun.
There was nothing more fun.
Do you have to go to church?
Than that time.
Sometimes.
Yeah, I went to Catholic school, so we always had to go to church.
A fart in church is, I'd have to leave.
If I heard someone fart, I'd be like, I'm so sorry, everybody.
I'll never stop laughing.
Because then the rest of the time it's quiet.
So the only thing you can hear is that off the pew from across the room.
Just a burnt.
Broom it down.
You hear it.
I'm just like, oh, no.
I have to leave.
I have to leave.
Wow.
Yeah.
Something like that was so magnificent.
Well, I had this one fella in our class.
He would always walk.
We had this chalkboard that was close to the wall and he would always walk back behind there and people would forget that he was back there.
He'd stay back there for a few minutes and then he would just fart so loud.
Like the class would carry on.
It'd be eight minutes later, the teacher would be giving and he would, you'd forget it was such a, it was trapped in this little sound space.
And it would just surprising a room with a fart.
They didn't know you were there is fucking hilarious.
That's genuinely bad because you'd startle a teacher.
An adult would be like, is somebody back there?
Yeah.
Farting.
Who's back there?
Somebody else.
Who's back there?
Who's back there?
Somebody's farting.
You got to walk out.
A fucking dumb grin on your face.
And you're like, I don't know what happened.
I don't know what that was.
High school, if you're young enough and you don't give a fuck about high, or if you're in high school and you don't give a fuck about it really, and you're kind of smart enough to get it.
You're unstoppable.
You are unstoppable.
You can do anything.
Because the teachers know it's bullshit.
It's fucking bullshit, dude.
Yeah.
Yeah, because they barely finished it, and all they're doing now is teaching it.
Yeah.
I always wish I could go back and just be like, dude, I promise it doesn't matter.
Yeah.
Go why?
Go fucking nuts here.
Because I was still afraid because my, you know, I'd get like hit, you know, by my dad if I like fucked up.
Oh, wow, really?
Yeah, not like, not if for me, it was hard, but he wasn't like beating me.
But it was like, that was always like, if I got like a detention or something like that, I was like, fuck, my parents are going to fuck me up for this.
Damn.
You know?
So, like, I didn't care about the teachers or school.
Yeah.
I was like, there is a looming physical punishment for this fart.
Damn.
So you had a little, there was some skin in the game.
You hadn't really won it.
Yeah, I got, I actually got the belt once because my friend, the same guy I've been talking about this whole time, Dusty, he farted.
We were doing Stations of the Cross, which they just go around and talk about each thing Jesus did on the way to getting crucified.
And so it's like, it's pretty serious and everybody's very quiet.
Oh, yeah, it's like the first 48. Yeah, and he farted so fucking loud.
And I just exploded.
I was crying.
And my teacher kicked me out and I tried to defend myself.
And I was like, Dusty farted.
And she was like, that's two.
You're suspended.
And I was like, I'm going to, I started crying outside.
I was like, I'm going to get my fucking ass beat.
I got home.
My dad, I remember like it was yesterday.
My dad was cutting the lawn in the back.
And I just walked out and stood on our back porch and held up the pink slip.
He just let go of the mower and it turned off.
And he walked in and I ran to my room.
And he was walking up the steps, slapping the belt, dude.
Yeah.
That's awesome.
And I was like, he didn't even hit me, really.
He was just like, it scared the fuck out of me.
Damn.
It was terrifying.
And it's kind of crazy.
He's a good guy.
He's a good guy.
He's not a good guy.
Look, I think you got to beat your kid a little.
Or spank him.
If you didn't like hit me hard with the belt, that would be fucking wild.
Well, when you also think about what a dad could really do, like right now, you could have a seven-year-old or something, right?
Yeah.
Fuck him up.
If you really wanted to, you could annihilate a seven-year-old with a belt.
You could do like a fatality.
Yeah.
You could like take his arms off.
Yeah.
Goro.
Just like a wishbone.
Oh, what'd you get?
Oh.
Yeah.
You could do that to a kid.
Damn.
That's insane, man.
Here's a guy right here.
He seemed like a pretty safe guy.
And he's got a question for us.
But I would say, yeah, let's answer that fellow's question.
the toughest time to be, or a time I would really enjoy.
Civil War would be so, Civil War would be so like, I wouldn't want to live in any other time.
Right now is the only time.
You think?
Maybe the last like 30 years.
But yeah.
What about maybe like the 70s, you think?
Yeah.
70s could be.
I think 70s might have sucked, dick.
Let us be lovers.
I don't know there was real big orgies in this.
Yeah, I'm not an orgy guy at all.
Oh, you'd be the fucking place where we need to meet up.
You're the tall guy.
Meet it, shave.
Meet it, shake.
I don't want to be near any of that stuff.
Yeah.
I think if I was back then.
You'd be there with a camel back on?
Dude, if I was back then, I'd know I'd be one of the dudes that was like, fucking hippies.
Vietnam's good.
I know that's who I'd be.
The calf slicer, baby.
That Peruvian necktie, the banana split, the hard scarf.
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Hey, Shane and Theo.
This is Colton coming at you from Kearney, Nebraska.
I was wondering, who do you guys think would win in a cage fight with you two against each other?
Maybe to the death?
Maybe just the first one to get pinned.
I don't know.
It's up to you guys.
Anyways, gang, gang.
I think you would probably.
Warry Wire.
I think it'd be a good fight.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's an interesting thing to do to a guest on a podcast.
Have a guy on be like, oh, let's take some questions.
Do you think you can beat me up, dude?
Well, that's true.
What the fuck?
Yeah, I didn't think about that.
Sorry, man.
No, it's totally fine.
And I didn't even know we were going to have this question, actually.
I think, I don't know.
Again, same thing with patriotism.
I've never seen you in action.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But I've got probably 100 pounds on you, so that'd help.
Or hurt.
That's a good point.
Yeah, it could be interesting.
I think it'd be a good match.
I think so, too.
Yeah, that's cool.
Yeah, I'm trying to think if there was anything else that was super...
Like, we would go spend time...
Like, I'm just trying to think of times that were really, really funny when you were young.
Like, what was the most...
Then it's about being cool.
Yeah.
There's a certain level of coolness that kind of comes in then as well.
There's a lot of fun being mean to your friend who's trying to be cool.
Yeah.
That's fun.
Like when you see a kid trying to pick up a girl, it's very fun to be like, you're gay for trying to do that.
Yeah, I'm trying to think of other things that were great when I was young.
I mean, so much of it was fun.
Field trips, bro, when you would go on field trips.
It was nuts.
It was nuts.
Yeah.
Just on the bus on the way to the zoo with your bros and girls.
That was when it was nice.
When you started getting horny.
Yeah.
And then you'd go on a field trip and you'd be like, nice, I'm sitting with the girl.
Yeah.
Yes, this is so cool.
We're going to kiss.
Oh, you're like, damn, Melissa's sitting with Shane.
That's crazy.
Crazy.
Yeah.
How'd that even happen?
What a come up, dude.
Yeah.
And you're like, damn, he's really changing, I guess.
And then other guys would feel so defeated.
You're like, I'm still sitting here with freaking Marcus.
Yeah.
You know, this dude's ugly.
Yeah, but they would have more fun.
Actually, no, I would have a, that was so fun when you started dating for the first time in your life.
Like, yeah, that shit ruled.
Now it sucks.
I'd rather hang out with the bros.
Yeah, it definitely gets.
If I was on a field trip, I would hate it if I was sitting with my fucking girlfriend.
Oh.
Yeah, that's true, huh?
It is interesting.
Yeah, you go through these phases where it's like one is kind of better than the other.
When you're really horned out, bro, when you got your hormones rolling in your body.
Damn, man, them bitches.
Yeah.
I can't believe it.
Yeah, you can't believe it.
I can't believe this is so sick.
Yeah.
Holding hands.
Slow dance.
Bro, when your teacher would come over and lean over to tell you something, you would see an edge of a fucking tit.
We had these.
I would almost throw my dick off of my body.
It was crazy.
I couldn't handle the pressure.
We had a lady that was like 70. She was like 70 years old.
Huge tits.
Great tits.
But looking back at it, it's like, damn, that's crazy.
I was horny for that lady every day for like four years.
Wow.
Every day, I'd just stare at this lady's old giant tits.
Yes.
Yeah, and teachers would try to dress as unseductive as possible.
Which made it even harder, dude.
Give me that.
I need to see that.
Yeah.
I want that B minus tit.
I don't mind that.
I like a good, totally covered woman.
Yeah, me.
That makes me even more horny.
See, that's why I could really see you.
I could almost see you look like an attractive Amish woman if you had the bonnet on and the full regale.
You look like fucking Rosie O'Donnell in League of their Orange.
Oh, damn.
Dude, you know who just messaged me the other day?
It was Roseanne Barr.
Hit me up and sent me a D. Really?
Yeah, I texted her.
I don't think she texted me back, actually.
I wish she would.
I used to want to tour with her.
That'd be awesome.
So cool.
That would be cool.
She was so cool, man.
Yeah, so now are you moving into theaters in some spaces?
Do you like that?
What's up?
I haven't headlined a theater really, actually, at all yet.
Yeah.
I think that's going to start next year.
Wow.
And we're working on that right now.
Yeah.
Actually, this year I'm doing some theaters in England and Ireland.
Oh, wait, I saw that.
You're going to the Shepherd.
Those are actually, yeah, it'll be my first.
Dude, that's a good one.
It'll be my first one.
Yeah.
Wow, bro.
Yeah.
That audience is going to flip for you.
I hope.
That'll be cool.
Dude, that's so cool.
Yeah, I'm excited about that.
Are you going to Scotland as well?
Yeah, Glasgow.
Glasgow, that's where I went.
Yeah, yeah.
It's probably the same run.
Yeah, it probably is, man.
The first time you did it, it was probably.
It's got to be the same promoters, probably.
Yeah, we get, well, they let me pick, I think, at Edinburgh and Glasgow, and I picked Glasgow.
It's just more working class over there, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm doing like Manchester, Leeds, Glasgow, London, and Dublin.
Damn.
Yeah, that'll be cool.
Then Australia, which I've never been over there.
How's that?
Oh, the best.
Do not come back.
And give yourself an extra week over there, bro.
I mean, I was there for two weeks doing shows, but I should have taken like a week and just stayed.
Yeah.
Maybe I will do that.
Yeah, because it's so hard to kind of get back over there.
Yeah, I know.
I'm excited about it, but I'm already mad about the flight.
Yeah.
It's going to suck.
Yeah, well, I think there's just a way to manage it.
Do you have trouble with the flying and traveling and stuff?
Are you kind of okay?
I don't mind the flying, but I usually fly first now.
I'm big, dude.
If I sit coach, I'm literally, I feel bad.
Right.
Because I'm the guy when you see me walking down the fucking aisle, you're like, please don't sit next to me.
You know what I mean?
Or at least in my head, that's probably right.
If I was somebody and I saw me in the big long jacket, you fucking sit next to me, dude.
You're not going to fit.
Yeah.
So I feel bad.
So I'm like, I'm afraid to touch the person next to me.
I sit like this for like four hours.
I'll have my shoulder.
Yeah, it sucks.
Yeah, I do that too.
I would used to actually lace my arms under the seatbelt in front of me like this.
That's right.
Put them both in.
Yeah, it's a good way to keep them there.
Yeah, does it keep them there?
And because I was usually tired and I would be an erratic sleeper like that.
And so I didn't want to hit anybody while I was kind of laying there.
Yeah.
I was losing it.
Yeah, the first class flights to Australia are like $20,000.
Is it really?
They're crazy.
Well, I definitely noticed this.
Anything that's expensive is now extremely more expensive.
Like inflation's gotten crazy.
And I think they're just billing everything out the wild.
Like even I noticed now if you get like a suite at a hotel, like a regular room might be $180,000, $160,000.
A suite now is like $900.
You're like, it's just crazy.
I mean, it's just, I don't know.
It's a lot, man.
Yeah, I hope it doesn't continue to suck.
It would really blow if we got into like for real hyperinflation and like shit did go bad.
What could happen?
Do you think you could handle yourself?
Do you have any preparation?
No.
Do you have any...
I don't have a gun.
I live in fucking New York.
I'm going to go on.
Can you have, you can get a gun there probably.
Yeah.
Probably maybe not an Alphabet City.
Yeah.
Maybe not even there anymore.
Yeah.
New York's, if shit started to go bad, I'd get the fuck out of New York.
Right.
That wouldn't be, that'd be probably the last place in America I would want to be.
Or get on a ship, too.
There's a lot of ships leaving out of there.
Ships would be good.
People don't think about that.
I asked somebody one time, where would you want to be if the world was falling apart?
And they'd be like, I'd get on a ship and go like a couple hundred yards off the coast.
I'd be like, yeah, great idea.
And just come back in when you need snacks.
Yeah.
Or fish.
Yeah, it'd just be like your vending machine.
Yeah, what else was I going to do?
Nashville would be good for that.
This would be a good area.
For what?
Shit started going pretty bad.
But you're centrally low.
So there's a lot of people that can really attack you.
Yeah.
You know?
I think anyway.
Has it been weird after the COVID ended in New York?
Has it been weird?
Has it been normal?
Did you find yourself missing the pandemic at all?
Yeah, I missed the pandemic a lot.
I left New York.
I was just at my parents' house a lot.
Shit ruled.
I was down in the basement playing video games.
I had an old Xbox 360 with the NCAA 14 on it.
I played it for like six months.
Oh, yeah.
Mom would make dinner.
It was wonderful.
God, that is nice.
It was great.
And it was nice not fucking drinking every day.
It was nice hanging out, not going to bars, just fucking sitting at home.
I mean, I could do that now, but.
Yeah, do you, do you, I feel like I missed it too.
I feel like I missed it was less people on the roads.
Oh, that was the best.
If you weren't scared of the pandemic.
It was the best.
It was the best.
Dude, I drove across the country at the beginning of the pandemic.
It fucking ruled.
Did y'all stay at campgrounds?
No, I just, I went by myself.
I drove out to fucking Stanhope's in Arizona.
Oh, wow.
It was the best.
No one on the road.
Gas was fucking 30 cents.
Yeah.
What was it like going to Stanhope's?
Is it pretty...
It is?
Yeah.
I was ready to go back to my parents' basement.
Yeah, I don't know.
It's fun.
They're the best people on earth.
Oh, yeah.
They're like the most loving people, but I was tired.
It's a lot, huh?
You know, I was a guest.
I felt fucking weird.
I was there for like a month.
Oh, what?
Yeah, I overstayed pretty hard.
And were there any clues that you should have left?
No.
I was like, I should leave.
I'm going to leave.
And they're like, you don't have to.
You don't have to.
This is fine.
There's a guest house.
I was just there.
Oh, dang.
Was there a pool?
No pool.
But it would get weird when I wouldn't hang out.
Like, if I spent like a day or two just in the guest house, that was weird.
So then you feel like, yeah, you know what?
And then I'd come out and they'd be like, does he fucking hate us?
Oh.
Like, no, I'm just hungover.
I'm not you guys.
Yeah.
I'm trying.
It's hard.
And you're in the desert, dude, doing partying or drinking anything in the day.
It's like twice as hard on you.
Yeah, you wake up.
It's just like, oof.
I used to be able to hear my eyes click open because they were so dry when I'd be so dehydrated out in the desert.
And it would click open.
What do you think about that Elon Musk and Twitter, man?
I like it.
What's the holdup?
What's the holdup?
I don't know.
Is it just because he's going to put Trump on?
Oh, is that what he did?
You think that's what his plan is?
I'm sure he would.
I think he's going to be like, we need free speech.
I think he's just going to open the gates.
It's going to be kind of like that.
Yeah.
Maybe he'll destroy Twitter if he does that?
I don't think he will.
I think Twitter will be fucking nuts.
You can do anything.
I know.
If Twitter really, you could do anything, because it's really, it's an extremely, it's like an alt-left app, basically.
Yeah, it kind of is now.
It feels like anyway.
Maybe it's not.
I don't know.
I mean, they, yeah.
I mean, didn't they have like the head of the Taliban still on Twitter?
Oh, yeah.
Trump was not?
Yeah.
That's a good point.
It's like, what are we doing?
And how much, I wonder how much hype they lost when they let Trump go because Trump was a fucking, I mean, as ridiculous as it was.
He carried Twitter.
He carried it.
Now my favorite thing is his old tweets.
Yeah.
You ever read those?
Yeah, so good.
It's so good.
He's like, Robert Pattinson needs to leave that dog of a woman.
She's going to cheat on him.
I know it.
It's just crazy.
He's talking about the Twilight kids.
The best was when Barstow, Dave Portnoy interviewed him and was like, oh, about the tweets and stuff.
Do you ever kind of proofread it before you put it out of it?
He's like, you know, sometimes you kind of just rattle it off and then you go to bed.
He was tweeting.
That was him.
I was just down there.
I was just in Mar-a-Lago.
Oh, I saw that picture.
Did you get to meet him?
No, I saw him, though.
He was hanging out.
Really?
And there was like no one else there.
And somebody was talking to me about his tweets.
Like, they were with him tweeting and he would just sit there and be like, send it.
Send the fucking shit.
Just a shitstorm immediately.
So dope.
50 articles immediately.
So crazy, man.
Dude, do you, what was Mor-a-Lago?
Like, was it real fancy?
It was extremely fancy, but it's small.
It's small.
It's not as big as you'd think.
Can you get a, it's a motel, a hotel room?
No, you can't.
You got to like get like.
I had to get like clearance.
Yeah.
Like the day Before they had to get like my name and all that shit.
Wow.
Yeah.
Because I got some shows coming up in Florida.
I wonder if I could go there.
I bet you could.
Wow.
I bet you could.
It's crazy.
There's like a guy with a machine gun at the front door.
What?
What is it?
I think it used to be like a club.
You can join it.
It's like $200,000 a year for membership.
And there's golf too.
There's no golf course.
It's like a spa and a restaurant.
Oh, wow.
And that's about it.
And two pools.
Yeah.
And he just lives there, basically.
Damn.
So that's the fun part.
You get to see him walk around occasionally.
He plays the music.
He plays music.
He DJs.
No, he doesn't.
He DJs the music at Mar-a-Lago.
It's crazy.
And what kind of stuff does he choose in?
Is it in like Chingy?
When I was there, it was Hotel California.
Yeah.
Which is crazy.
And that's also like the most whitest old dude songs.
And then it switched from like shit like that, and then it went to like proud to be an American.
I swear to God.
And then it would go back to that shit.
It was like the Beach Boys.
Dude, I'm shocked that more black dudes didn't like Trump.
I think low-key, every black dude kind of fucking loved Trump.
I think so.
I think that's a, yeah.
Because he made.
Kodak Black chills there.
Oh, he does.
At Mar-a-Lago.
Wow.
Because he was all, I mean, in the end, he's kind of about bitches and money.
Yeah, that was it.
You know?
Yeah.
That's a good president.
Yeah.
Give this guy the keys, dude.
See what he does.
By far the most entertaining president.
I don't even know if being president even matters anymore.
It feels like if you're in politics now, it almost feels like it's just ridiculous to even be in it.
Yeah, it is kind of embarrassing.
Yeah.
You look like a dork, dude.
Yeah, it feels like it's not that important because Biden's clearly dead.
Oh, I cannot.
At a certain point, it's kind of not cool that we put a guy out there who's not away, dude.
It's kind of sad.
Yeah.
It's like mean.
Right.
That's what I feel like.
Like, this is the only way we can win is him.
Right.
And it's like, this is kind of going to embarrass this.
He's going to ruin his whole legacy.
Well, every time he goes up there and speaks, you can just tell, like, you know, you can see an old guy when he's not doing real health.
Yeah.
You know?
It's fun to see him when he's on, though.
Every once in a while, there's glimpses.
Oh, shit, he's still got it.
Yeah.
He's firing.
I've heard he's a super nice guy, man, from people that, from friends of mine that know him.
But I don't know.
I never knew a lot of politicians.
Every politician in Louisiana got busted for sex crimes or embezzlement.
That's good.
That's who you want.
You want someone that's like, I'm taking fucking wild risks.
Yeah.
I'm trying to get it done.
Yeah, that's true, honey.
I think it's the only real way to be.
I think you want like a real, you want that Jesse James in there.
Yeah.
Do you, I want, I want, I kind of wish people would start voting in insane, just create the wildest person you could think of.
The last two have been fucking nuts.
That's true.
Trump was wild.
Yeah.
Biden's crazy.
Yeah.
These are two crazy picks.
Yeah.
The last eight years, we've had a leader that's like half, you know, half the country's like, dude, what are we doing?
We've made some wild tours.
We're like the Cleveland Browns.
Just shuffling two quarterbacks.
First round.
Donald Trump.
It's like, God damn it.
He's a bust.
We're rolling through.
Fuck it.
Do you think he'll run again?
I don't know.
I think if he does, Rob DeSantis won't run, the guy from Florida.
Right.
But then I think DeSantis, it seems like DeSantis is going to run.
And then who the fuck are the Democrats going to go?
Like, who are they going to pick?
I don't know.
They're going to have to go with.
They did Biden again.
If they were like, dude, four more years.
He's fine.
He's just laying down somewhere.
They're like, he's our guy.
He's sharp as shit off camera.
He gets nervous.
They do need to try.
It's laughable, but they could.
It's fucking laughable, man.
I hope they get Hillary.
Oh, wow.
I hope they get Hillary.
Dude, if we get Trump Hillary.
Oh, again, the rematch.
I'll go crazy.
Look, I was like, I didn't vote for Trump.
I never voted.
I didn't vote for Trump.
This one, I'd be like, Trump's got to win this.
I'd be so pumped, dude.
Oh, that'd be exciting, dude.
Yeah.
It'd be a good battle.
Oh, I think it would just be so good to see them, too.
Get to see them talking shit again.
Oh, so good.
Yeah.
That's the kind of shit the best part.
I wish that the president had to pick a vice president from the other.
It had to be like from the other part.
I always wish that Trump and Bernie had to be on the same ticket because then it's like you have this, they're going to have to figure shit out.
You're going to have to have some real conversation.
That's what Lincoln did with his cabinet.
Did he really?
Yeah, there's a book called like Team of Rivals.
He just got everybody he disagreed with.
Yeah.
See, right there, you're a better patriot than I am.
I think that's a good idea.
I mean, I had an autograph hacksaw Jim Duggan poster.
That's pretty good.
That's honestly, that's kind of more patriotic.
I don't know.
I mean, he was a construction worker, but I don't know if that's more patriotic.
I'm a construction worker.
You know?
Yeah.
But that's something.
Do you like wrestling now?
Not as much.
I mean, I don't go watch it.
No.
No, have you been recently?
No.
Well, Soder took me to one like four years ago.
Yeah.
I'd never been to one.
It was actually fucking, it's cool to see.
Yeah.
In person.
You're like, holy shit, this is real.
It's a real production year.
You guys are getting fucked up.
Oh, I saw a Mexican father and son, and combined, they were probably 8-4.
And they were, it was when The Rock came back.
It was the night where The Rock came back.
It was like 10 years ago.
And when he came out, they were both standing there holding hands, bawling, crying.
Damn.
And it was nice.
That's nice.
Oh, it was beautiful.
That's what I was just saying.
I just saw, I just watched WrestleMania.
I haven't watched wrestling in years.
Yeah.
And Stone Cold came out and I was instantly just like, holy shit.
This is so sick.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm afraid I can't get into it because that would be, I don't need that.
Well, yeah.
I don't need to be a wrestling fan.
What can you take on?
Yeah.
I can't take that personality on.
At this point?
Yeah, it'd be bad.
There's not a lot of pros.
Now, I will say this.
You remind me, bring up the big boss man.
I think you look a little bit like this guy.
People bring that up.
I'm a big boss man's son.
I see that.
Yeah, I could bring it up.
If you look up big boss man, policeman wrestling.
Yeah, I do look like the big boss man.
But it's funny that we look through things that the lens with racism, because at the time it didn't seem racist.
It's not like we didn't know, but my black friends wouldn't not watch wrestling.
It would be like Farouk would be out there and the big boss man would come out with a fucking stick, a police stick.
I mean, I think there's certain places shit.
Yeah, I mean, you don't want to play this in Minneapolis.
You don't want to play a lot of big boss man reruns.
there's certain places you want to do stuff.
What is his finishing move?
The big boss man.
I don't know what he would do.
Yeah.
But yeah, it's just fun.
Yeah.
That's fun as shit.
But the old promos, like, they'd have a fucking, like an Arab dude come out and be like, Iran's the best.
America can suck our fucking dick.
The whole crowd would be like, you motherfucker.
See, that's one thing I love about.
I love it if a crowd wants to change USA.
In other countries, you're allowed to have so much more like, this is our country.
But here, the media, I feel like you try to say.
Yeah, they've told us to chill the fuck out.
Right.
Our media tells us.
We're the only ones doing that.
Totally.
Other countries.
No, I mean, now saying chill the fuck out, but like other countries are like, they're not.
We have flags everywhere.
In America.
Everybody in America is like, America is the fucking best.
Or at least that's how it used to be.
Yeah, that's how it used to be.
Yeah.
Now it's a little more like, actually, we have a pretty troubled history.
Yeah.
Like, yeah, go to fucking any other country, dude.
Yeah.
Look into anybody's history.
I'm not saying it, not, you know, not saying it doesn't matter, but yeah.
They're all a little dicey.
Yeah.
Well, being a lot, existence has been a dicey run.
Yeah, it's been pretty bad.
Yeah.
I think, you know, I don't know.
I mean, I just, you know, I do my best.
Did you ever do OP in them show?
No, by the time.
No, I was late.
I did Anthony.
I did Kumiya's show.
I did Jim and Sam, shit like that.
Oh, yeah, Jim and Sam.
Ever OP?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's a bummer.
I've seen you go on there.
It was fun on there.
Yeah, it was wild on there.
Yeah, dude.
I had so much fun in there just sitting goofing around.
I just felt like such a, just a, it just felt like a real goofy.
And that's what it was also nice back then when you'd be exciting to be on a show.
You'd be like, holy shit, I got to do serious accent today.
This is fucking crazy.
Yeah.
Now if it's like, oh, fuck, I got to get this podcast.
Fucking radio.
Yeah.
Oh, the radio, yeah.
The radio really, really, it's not on the really.
When I was just starting, I was like, damn, so sick.
I got to do radio, not a big deal.
Yeah, but remember what the radio station is.
I'm not doing it.
Yeah.
I'm not doing it.
Dude, it must be crazy.
A lot of comedy.
I guess I haven't gone to them morning radio in a long time.
Thank God.
I mean, it's a blessing not to have to go, but remember how hectic it was if you got into a place, you get on the late flight sometimes or you get the early flight, you get there, you have to go straight to the radio station, and then you had to try and get a nap in after that, which is fine.
6 a.m.
It's all this fucking 6 a.m.
radio.
And you go in, they don't care at all.
Half of it, they're like, so what was SNL like?
Every now and then in Florida, they would care.
Florida likes their radio.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Florida still loves their radio.
Calta?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And they had Rochester, New York had a good radio station.
There's still some markets that were pretty sick.
Yeah.
But it was different, man.
I just hated waking up.
Yeah, so hard.
Did you ever...
It was like when Celton first came out, and I fucking missed it.
And they were furious.
Oh, really?
People were so pissed.
Yeah.
What do they?
It's okay.
Yeah, it was bad.
Oh.
It was a day where I was supposed to drive myself over there.
Okay.
So that was a thing.
I got to do one Rogan show and I didn't know that I was going to go up first, right?
So we're just standing there backstage and he's like, you guys ready to start the show?
And we're like, yeah.
And I'd just been kind of like getting busier, you know?
And so like, I think I was probably somewhere in my head.
I'm getting a little bit full of myself or something, you know?
And so then he just gets on the mic and I just assume that somebody else is there and they go up first.
And then he's like, ladies and gentlemen, DOM.
And I walk out there and I'm like, oh, fuck.
Oh, shit.
It's like 3,000 people.
Most people I'd ever been in front of, people are still sitting down.
And I'm like, oh, Jesus.
And part of the lights, they were still on for some reason.
It was just, no.
Oh, it was so hard, man.
It was so hard.
That was fun, though.
That was a nightmare, bro.
I mean, it was awesome.
Yeah.
And it was super cool, but it was just hard.
Yeah, that sucks.
I've had to do that a couple of times.
Yeah.
Where like you're on the road with someone big and they're like, all right, you go first.
God, I shouldn't.
Yeah.
No.
But you're like, of course.
And then you get off stage and fuck, I should have killed.
Right.
But people were literally sitting down and they hated me.
Yeah.
Oh, that was the feeling I had.
Fuck off the stage.
Oh, dude, I wanted to get out of the.
And then I don't only want to get out of the place.
You want to get out of the whole city.
You want to get out of the tour.
You want to get off of the earth when it goes real bad.
Was it, was working with Louis pretty cool?
Yeah, it was awesome.
That was like a dream.
Did he approach you about it?
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, it was cool.
He saw me perform at the cellar one night and he was like laughing and I was like, damn, that's crazy.
And then like two days later, I got an email from his lady that was like, do you want to come work on the tour?
Wow.
I was like, yes.
I was pumped.
Was it when you were, was it, did you feel real inferior with his comedy?
Because his comedy is so unique and good.
It's sometimes I'll watch and I'm like, oh, man.
Yeah, for sure.
I mean, but he's one of those like, he's so good that I'm not even comparing.
You know what I mean?
Right.
Like, if it was somebody like our age and they were murdering and I wasn't even close, I'd be like, motherfucker, I actually, I don't like them now.
Like something crazy like that.
Yeah, yeah.
And that, but with him, it was like, yeah, he's, I think he's the best ever.
So I didn't, yeah, it was cool to watch.
Yeah, he is.
I mean, it's just, man, he's so good.
I just watched.
He just ran his, I was with him.
He ran his new hour for the first time after his special.
I was with him the night he ran it, and he was like, it's funny because he was like nervous.
He's like writing and like, how do I, just killed the first time he ever ran it.
That was when I was sitting in the back like, fuck.
I'm not even close.
He hadn't even ever practiced it.
He had run it.
He had definitely done like spots.
But it was the first time he ran it all together.
Yeah.
Someone said that he made, and this is a rumor that I heard, $13 million on his special selling it online.
Yeah, probably.
I believe that.
I wonder if that's true or not.
I believe it.
It's probably what, like, 10 bucks, 20 bucks?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Yeah.
Because how many people have to buy it then?
A million.
Oh, yeah.
Good call.
Hang on there.
Yeah.
Something like that.
Because I remember asking my agent about it.
He's like, no fucking way, you know?
Yeah.
But the agents want you to think that because they want you to sell your special to a to a also he was running ads.
Did you see any of those?
Uh-uh.
Louis was running, like, he bought ad space on TV.
He was running infomercials.
That's amazing.
For the special, good for him.
Or like funny.
Yeah.
Damn, he's so creative.
Yeah.
Do you find it easier as you've gotten more popular?
Do you feel like it's gotten easier?
Do you feel like it's gotten more complicated?
Has anything changed for you, you think, as far as I think stand-up-wise, it's definitely easier, which is kind of a problem.
Right.
You know what I mean?
Right.
Like, people just like to see you, so it's not even about what you're doing.
Yeah.
This bitch sucked.
And they're like, yeah, there's something about the element of surprise.
Yeah.
Yeah.
There's something about being surprising.
Did they have a lot of, I'm trying to think of something that could have happened when you were young.
Oh, do you remember the first man you ever saw that could have been homosexual or anything like that?
And you guys were kind of shocked by it.
I guess I didn't know because it was priests.
I knew something was weird.
I just figured it was because he was a priest.
Oh, yeah.
He like spoke with an effeminate voice.
Oh, dang.
But I remember being a kid and being like, maybe it's just because he's a priest.
He's different.
Oh, yeah.
Like, God loves him so much that he just has so much love in him that some of it's coming out towards men or more of it than usual.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think that was it.
How about you?
The first guy you saw that you were like, damn, definitely.
Well, they had a mentally handicapped guy in our town and people would be like, that guy's gay, you know, and he wasn't.
He was mentally handicapped, but nobody knew because he rode like a woman's bicycle.
And so people were always yelling gay at him and stuff like that.
But he was mentally handicapped, you know?
And he would kind of come by the school a lot, but I think it was he was like child-minded.
Yeah.
So he would just try to be by the school and stuff like that and be friends with other boys.
And he wasn't gay at all.
He was just his genetics were gay.
We had a guy like that.
You know, he was straight, but he was just mentally unwell.
I had two guys like that.
I had one guy who used to ride a tricycle around.
It was sick.
He had a tricycle with a customized license plate on the front with his name on it.
Was he gay?
It was John.
He would try to get you.
He would come up and be like, do you like pancakes?
He'd be like, yeah.
Yeah.
Like, you want to put pancakes in my pants?
He'd be like, dude, John, what are you doing?
I wasn't even afraid as a kid.
I'm going to use that.
I was just like, this guy's wild.
I didn't even think that it was like he was trying to rape.
I don't know if he was.
I don't think he was.
I think he was just having fun.
Breakfast love.
Saying wild stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't want to put that on his name.
I think he was just riding his trike around talking shit to people, which is a pretty good life.
Oh, dude.
Yeah.
If you're living like that, I think living large, it's definitely one way to go.
Getting a tricked out tricycle.
Yeah.
If you're a mentally handicapped man and someone hooks you up with that, and then you just get to ride around and say whatever you want to like kids.
Oh, yeah.
No one had a problem.
You'd go up to kids and they'd be like, that's John, dude.
He's wild.
Yeah, he's wild.
Remember that?
Before everybody was a creep, it was like, that guy's wild.
He's wild.
He has a good time.
Yeah.
Just riding around a tricycle to a neighborhood.
Yeah, I'm trying to think if we had like a guy, I mean, we had some pedos and stuff as I got a little bit over alleged guys, you know?
Yeah.
I always give a pass to the mentally handicapped pedos.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
I can't be mad at them.
Well, I'm sure there's, and I've heard of this, that there's a lot of guys who would let mentally handicapped guys jack them off or do, you know, do sexual stuff.
That's not great.
Yeah.
No, but to like to get it out.
No, for them.
Like the guy wanted to.
So it's like to help them, you know, I hate to say to help them out, but it's like, you know, the guy wants to so bad and you are trying to help the mentally unwell, I guess.
Now that I say it out loud, it sounds fun.
Yeah, wait.
Crazy.
It's totally crazy.
Hold on.
Someone's like, I think this mentally handicapped guy's horny.
I'll take care of it, guys.
No.
I'm going to let him masturbate me.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
Fuck, man.
Fuck.
People are fucked up.
I didn't even think about that.
I always thought like, yeah, man, I totally see what you're saying.
But now that I really put it on, you know, put pen to paper, it's pretty bad.
Here's a question that came in right here.
Hey, Theo.
Hey, Shane, gang, gang.
Was wondering what you guys thought about taxidermy.
I got my Impala right there.
And then got my Ramhead right here.
Ramhead, that's the bathomet from Matt Shane.
You can talk him into getting one.
You guys down for it?
Bringing the outdoors, indoors?
And what kind of taxidermy would you guys like?
Good question, man.
You know, a lot of, you'll see in the urban community, they do a lot of human taxidermy.
You've seen that recently.
A lot of that stuff's been put out there.
Like a brother, you know, they have him standing by the door at his own funeral.
At a funeral, yeah, that's awesome.
That's just pretty live, man.
Putting a blunt in his fucking hand.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's a good way.
Black people do pretty dope shit like that.
Like, black people were hella fearless, I think, when it comes to death.
White people are a lot more like traditional with it, I think.
Yeah.
And black people sometimes will get a lot more avant-garde.
Those African funerals?
Dude, holding the casket, like dancing and shit.
Yeah, shit's so hype.
That's a decent way to go.
Fuck.
Wasn't New Orleans pretty cool about it?
Oh, yeah, they have like parades and shit.
Yeah, they got good second-line parades and stuff like that for weddings and funerals.
You know, people will come out and celebrate.
You can hire these guys, and they'll come out and play, and everybody kind of gets these towels, and you dance a little bit.
And you're just like, yeah, it's a really good time, man.
My brother's out there in their tuxedos cruising.
To answer that guy's question, my girlfriend, her dad hunts like crazy, like African animals.
So he's got like a taxidermy room of like all that shit, like the Impala and all that.
And I'm going to get them.
He's going to give us two.
If he passes away?
No, he's giving them, he's mailing them.
Oh, wow.
Do you get to pick them out?
You already picked them out?
I think they're ones he didn't like, but they're awesome.
You know?
So I'm going to have two of those in my apartment.
Wow, that's pretty cool, man.
Pretty excited about it.
Yeah, it is nice.
Yeah, well, I'm trying to think.
I almost bought a Buffalo not long ago.
I was price gouged.
The man I thought was price gouging it, but it was a buffalo head.
That's awesome.
Yeah, we'll see.
I bet it's still there.
I thought about driving by, but that's something I thought about.
Wait, he's got it.
It's in a store.
It's in a store, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Do you notice different loves as you get older?
Yeah.
Definitely.
Like the first time you fall in love, it's like crazy.
I was at college.
I was like, I was such a fucking weirdo.
I was like, emailing, I was like, emailing her.
Should we get in a fight?
I'd be at work after.
I'd be like, You motherfucker.
Oh, yeah, sending like crazy, yeah.
Yeah, it was because email was like, it was almost like a text message back then.
Yeah, there was no I'd have to check my emails, see if she got back.
Oh, she didn't.
I'd send another email.
That'd be the worst.
Yeah.
How about you?
Are you in love?
No, I'm not in love.
I've definitely been in love.
I would like to be in love again.
Yeah.
You know, I think it definitely gets different.
It gets different.
When you're young, that young love, man, do you ever buy flowers for a girl or anything like that?
Do you ever do any crazy stuff like in front of a group of people?
You're like, dang, that dude must be in love.
Trying to think.
I went to a basketball game once and like gave a flower to a girl at the game, like when she was in the stands.
I did that.
And it was like people were yelling.
You know, people were yelling the N-word, dude.
I'd be on your ass.
Like, it was like.
I saw a dude do it.
Yeah.
Even though I have done it.
If I saw someone else giving a flower to a girl, I'd be like, pussy.
It'd be so fun.
I think I yelled pussy.
Yeah, it got soft.
Bro, it was so crazy.
And I had so much acne at the time.
I was afraid to move my face because I thought a lot of the acne would pop out of my skin.
That's crazy.
Oh.
How'd it go with the flower?
Did she like it?
It went fine, man.
I feel like it doesn't work.
Like anytime you go crazy like that and like try to do an over-the-top romantic thing with a girl you're not dating.
Oh, yeah.
Like if you're like, I want to date you, I got you this bouquet.
Yeah.
It's like, no.
She's not into you.
Oh, dude.
They had, I remember, I used to work with this one guy named Thomas, and he sent this girl the biggest cinnamon cake ever.
And I'm like, what is a cinnamon cake?
First of all, and now it's insane.
And she thought he was insane.
Yeah.
He sent it to a bar she worked at.
So she gets to her bar check and there's a huge sent you this.
Do you know Thomas?
Yeah.
She's like, barely.
You got me a cake?
He has to sit there waiting.
Like, I wonder how this is going.
He's probably loving that fucking cake.
He just gets a text like, never call me again.
Fuck.
Sitting back, launching a cake and sitting back and being like, this is going to go well.
And then never hearing from the woman again.
Just drop it.
You forget about it.
And now you can't even go to the bar anymore.
Oh, never again.
That's the craziest thing.
Never again.
That bar's gone.
You got to burn it down.
You got to go that night and set fire to it.
Oh, man.
I'm trying to think of anything of another time.
I wrote a poem to a girl once.
Oh, definitely.
In like seventh grade.
Yes.
This is the worst part.
This is like, this is one of the most embarrassing things I've ever done.
Yeah.
It keeps me up at night today.
I wrote a Bible verse on the back of it.
I gave it to her.
And my friends found it before she got it.
Or she got it and gave it to my friends.
It was like, look how weird this dude is.
I walked into school the next day and my buddy was holding it.
And I was like, dude, I'll fight you.
Like, dear eye.
I was like, don't, don't show that to anyone.
And he already had?
Oh, of course.
Of course.
Disaster, bro.
A Bible verse.
Which one was he, remember?
Yeah, it was, fuck.
It's so bad, dude.
It was like Song of Songs.
It's like a love book.
Oh, yeah.
It's a book of the Bible that's about like people falling in love.
Yeah.
Bad, dude.
Sixth grade, I was like, I love God.
Yeah.
I loved being Catholic in sixth grade.
God is my girlfriend.
That's one year, dude.
That guy.
I remember that guy had a shirt on.
It took a lot for me to tell you that.
Oh, dude.
Well, I'll tell you, I used to steal a fucking child's bike from my neighbor's yard and I would bike over to this girl's house.
It was like four miles, right?
Yeah.
In the middle of the night to go over there and like kind of suck on her breast for a while.
That's fucking great.
Yeah, but then I have to bike all the way back.
Bro, it would take a bike four miles to suck tits.
Are you crazy?
Your story was awesome.
My story was the most embarrassing thing I've ever done.
You rode a bike to suck tits?
Yeah.
That shit's awesome.
How old were you?
Oh, you were young?
That shit's awesome.
Oh, no.
Well, I was probably, yes, 15, 15. That's as good as it gets.
Yeah.
God.
And those tits were good back then.
Yeah.
Remember how good a tit was?
Child tits?
If you were a child.
Yeah, of course.
Bro, child on child tits?
What was that, dude?
Right when they got tits?
You were like, dude, she's got the biggest tits in the class.
She's a whore.
Dude, that slot with the huge tits.
You have no idea what being a whore was.
You're like, whoever has the biggest tits is a whore.
Oh, I remember I called my bus driver a dildo.
I heard the term and I didn't know what it was.
And I'm like, you're such a dildo.
And then I had to go to the principal's office.
And the principal beat us.
That's back when they used to beat you.
He could hit you.
They probably kept that going in Louisiana for a while, right?
I think they stretched it out.
They went a little late.
They got into like the Obama administration.
It was still extra innings on that.
But I remember going to the principal's office, man, and he would freaking rat.
Oh, he'd rattle.
He had that big paddles.
Yeah.
I remember the principals had paddles.
Yeah.
It's what gave them a lot of their power, too.
I felt like.
Now they're fucking.
What are you going to do?
What are you going to do?
Yeah.
I'm Italian.
They don't have any real power.
Nothing.
That's awesome.
I mean, I can see how that worked.
Yeah.
Having a fucking stick behind your desk, threatening to hit a child.
Did y'all have different clicks and stuff at y'all's school?
Yeah, for sure.
Yeah.
Regular clicks.
Although it was a Catholic school, so you couldn't.
We had a uniform.
So it was hard to really express yourself.
Yeah.
But the goths found their way.
Yeah.
They hit you with like some eyeliner or something.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But yeah, everybody's wearing the same fucking thing.
Oh.
I actually liked it.
Yeah.
I mean, I hated having to have clothes.
I had to watch this jersey for three days.
Yeah.
I did see it before.
It was the first time I wore it last time.
Oh, good.
And I've never, I've wanted to wear a jersey for a long time.
And you did.
And now I'm doing it.
Yeah.
I'm glad you did.
I'm overdoing it, though.
Oh, dude, I'll tell you this.
One night, so I talked about this girl I met at a coffee shop who I tried to like, it got so embarrassing and I'd ordered this omelette or whatever.
And then I'd still sit there and eat it, even though like I had, like, I tried to ask her out, but I think I didn't get the words right.
And she said something and I couldn't even hear it.
And then I got nervous and just walked away.
And so then I'm just sitting there with this omelet and I had, and I, and the way, just, just the pain of just sitting there eating the omelette.
And it's just me and her.
You're not hungry at all.
You just getting rid of it.
The only reason I went there was to talk to her and I couldn't do it all right.
Anyway, the next time I go back in there, it was like three months later, after everybody had eaten the cinnamon cake.
And she's like, oh my gosh, people called here and even called my boss.
Oh, shit.
And I was like, wow, that's crazy.
That's awesome, though.
Yeah.
They're like, you never should have divorced the Rat King.
That's what they say.
Like, divorced?
Yeah, it's crazy.
That's pretty hype, dude.
That's wild.
Well, shit, man, I know you got a tour going on.
You know, I don't want to keep this thing alive any longer than it feels like.
Bro, I'm so hot.
I feel bad, bro.
Dude, congrats on all your success, man.
And where can people, if they haven't seen your tour, they want to come see you?
ShaneMGillis.com.
Okay.
Yeah.
Excellent.
Yeah.
Go check out Shane if you haven't seen him.
You know, there's just nothing like him.
I think there's nothing like watching somebody who's having so much fun.
And that's what I notice when I'm watching you, man.
And yeah, thanks for coming and hanging out, man.
I appreciate it.
Good, man.
Good.
Gang, baby.
Now I'm just floating on the breeze.
And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind I found I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that park and break and
let myself be moving way
too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of my past.
And these wheels that I've been riding on, they're walls so thin that they're damn near gone.
I guess now they just were built to lay.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweetheart.
Easy to you.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John Main.
I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh, no!
*BEEP*
I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kai Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
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