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March 17, 2022 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
01:15:12
E384 Brotherly Love

Theo talks March Madness, Irish haircuts, autistic leaders, and getting caught doing self touch. Happy St. Paddy's Day.  ------------------------------------------------- Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://theovonstore.com Podcastville mugs and prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com ------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: The Zebra: Go to https://thezebra.com/theo to get your free quote today HOP WTR: Go to https://hopwtr.com to get 20% off + free shipping with code THEO Upstart: Go to https://upstart.com/theo to find out how Upstart can lower your monthly payments. Allbirds: Go to https://allbirds.com and find your perfect pair today. Mint Mobile: Go to https://mintmobile.com/theo and cut your wireless bill to just 15 bucks a month. Peloton: Visit https://onepeloton.com to learn more. ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------- Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------- Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips ------------------------------------------------- Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Producer: Isaac https://www.instagram.com/isaacheckert/?hl=en See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Happy St. Patrick's.
How about it?
Happy St. Patrick's, baby.
You can, you know, it's, if you celebrate St. Patrick's, I want to wish you well with it.
If you've ever found yourself in a shiny green hat vomiting outside of a 7-Eleven, then you are probably Irish.
If you've ever, if you hit about the age of 50 and you have the same haircut as your wife, that's an Irish staple, I feel like.
What else?
Oh, a lot of Irish men and women, as they age, they got the same tits on them.
If you notice that.
They similarly jugged up.
You know, you see them, that's a popular Irish thing.
You hit 50, 55, you and your wife, who's almost your buddy now, you know, they just, they kind of morph into the same being, it seems like, or twins almost.
And they double-titted.
They got the same tits.
But happy St. Patrick's Day to you.
What else?
A lot of closeted gay happens during St. Pat's.
Because men, they get the tights.
It's a lot of liquor.
They're carrying around the in New Orleans at the St. Patrick's Day parade, they'll carry this thing of flowers.
And then the men get drunker and they start kissing each other on the face even at some point.
And I don't know what at that point, that's when I would usually drive home.
But some men keep going and the parade keeps going.
And I don't know what happened.
I just, you know, you just hope for the best for those guys.
You know, you hope somebody gets them a sandwich or kind of helps them because you'll end up damn gay and not even want to be, you know, and it wasn't a plan when you started out in the morning.
And that is St. Patrick's Day a lot.
What else?
Oh, dude.
So the other day, I'm ordering, I guess what I want to talk about is autism.
You know, I'm ordering some cottage cheese at a breakfast place.
I'm ordering some cottage cheese.
And it's, you know, it's a rare choice.
It is what it is.
I ordered it.
The guy goes, I don't know if we have cottage cheese, but let me see what I can do for you.
That's nice.
That's a sweet guy.
So I wait.
He brings over a bowl.
He brings over a bowl.
And it's like three or four pieces of cheese cut up in a little bitty squares and shapes kind of just, and he just kind of stacked them all in a little bowl.
And I just, I mean, the shit just, I'm grateful.
You know, I didn't want, that's not how I, I didn't want things like that, but the guy made an effort.
But I think what we're starting to see more and more is autism.
You know, we're starting to see it more as a, it's a positive in this, because here's what it is.
A lot of big business owners now, you know, Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, they have autism.
You know, nobody wants to flat out say it, but if you're part computer, part person, that's always what autism was.
Autism was that, you know, you know, it was Danny Calculator.
It was that dude who you would start talking.
You would reach out to shake his hand and he would kind of shake, he would shake your hand with his eyes.
You know, he would like kind of just look, look at you, look down, look up, look down, look up.
Like he was, you know, he's part computer.
It's built into him.
And those are people that are starting to rule the world because the world is becoming more man and more computer.
It's, you know, we're emerging.
It's that man, you know, it's that man-pewter, you know, that compumin.
You know, it's that middle ground.
You'll put your hand in a woman's pants and she'll have a damn, you know, a quarter of a keyboard down there.
You know, and you'll just start typing in, you know, C-L-I-T or, you know, Labby or whatever, however you spell it.
You know, you don't even, you're not even really touching the genitals anymore.
You're just typing in the words of it.
You know, uh, uh, uh, you're just UH, UHH, U-H-H.
Until they, you know, I'm just saying we're starting to, we're, we're seeing the merging of people.
And that's what, you know, it's just, and those are people that are going to rule the world because it's, it's just, we're becoming more of both.
We're becoming more computerized, automated, ATM, blender.
You know, you just, so just being a human is not, it's good, but it's old-fashioned.
These people that are doing it all now are people that can see both worlds at once.
And sometimes you get the Jeff Bezos.
Sometimes you get the sometimes you get the Elon Musk.
And sometimes you get Patrick.
You get the dude who brought me, who cut up four pieces of cheese into a bowl.
You know, it's a light autism.
It's not helping anybody really, but, you know, it helps, you know, it's it's it works at a diner a little bit, I guess.
Anyway, I don't know exactly what I'm talking about, but I never have.
And I'm grateful to be here with you today.
And I mean that from all of my A orders.
Let's hear a little bit of this.
Come on.
We're going to take it back, baby.
Camel.
I'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could I be so far from my home and my mind is somewhere else.
But when I find it, I'll have you wither it.
Come on, baby.
I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.
I can feel it in my bones.
Let's go.
But it's going to take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind.
Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my story.
Shine on me.
And I will fly.
Find a song singing just for you.
Oh, there we are.
That's Shine by Bishop Gunn.
You know that.
And that's that old hitter.
And that's the one that started it off for us.
And here we are 384, 383 episodes later.
Gang, baby.
Good to be with you today.
What's going on?
Not much, man.
Not much.
Really just kind of checking in with myself, you know.
You know, some of them like to ask myself, well, how are you feeling, man?
You know I do.
You know, I'm not, you know, I'm that feeling ferret, baby.
I'll scurry all across my damn, you know, I'll just, you know, I'll really, I'm right there on my feelings.
If you need my feelings, I got them just for you, baby.
Yeah, I like to ask myself, what's going on?
What am I feeling?
What am I thinking?
What's got me excited?
What's got me scared?
You know, where's my head at?
Where should my head be at?
I don't know.
But I like to ask myself those things.
What's going on?
How are you feeling?
And then answer myself.
Well, sometimes I don't want to answer myself when I'm feeling good.
Sometimes I'll get into that little that spin cycle of I just want to be feeling bad, you know, that permanent pressure.
But sometimes it's like, hey, I'm all right.
I'm all right, baby.
I just got four pieces of cheese cut up in a small bowl, son.
You know, I'm doing good.
I just met a girl.
She's got two keyboard titties.
It's, you know, I'm living.
I'm fucking in the future.
I'm doing good.
We're emerging, I wonder, are we becoming more robots?
You know, you see these people that have the that have, you know, half a calculator behind their eyes and they're more operating system than they are heart.
And you're like, you know, you start to wonder, are they the next evolution?
Am I just out here living in the stone age with my feelings?
When three generations from now, it'll be, you know, it'll all, you know, they'll have our feelings almost will have been taken over by some type of or crossbred with a gigabyte and and uh and you'll press a button on your hip and you'll smile.
You know, I just I don't I don't know what the future is gonna be like.
I don't know, but I believe that autism is that gray area where we're starting to see maybe because it used to be somebody at autism, like damn, Ricky's fucked up, you know.
Oh, damn, Ricky's over there licking that snake.
Ricky's licking snakes.
But now, you're like, damn, you know, Ricky's licking snakes and he's running a damn app.
You know, he owns four apps.
So you're like, well, he really, he's doing well, you know.
He started a damn pet co on his phone all because, you know, or he started selling leather goods because he learned the, you know, he just tasted that texture for so long on the back of that rattler.
And next thing you know, he's out here vending damn purses, you know, Fendi purses or something.
You know, you know, he's out here, you know, making milk snake, you know, he's out here making milksnake skin sandals for deaf children or whatever.
And he's, you know, he won an Academy Award or whatever.
And he's got autism.
I'm just saying, I don't know.
I don't know anything.
And I never have.
So what's going on?
I'm trying to think of what else is going on.
Not much.
I saw some music the other day.
Went and watched some singer-songwriters.
I'm enjoying my time out here in the Central East right now.
March Madness is here.
Dude, I love March Madness.
I love it.
I love watching the games.
You know, basketball starts at like 10 a.m.
God, I love that.
I love that.
You know, I love that you can kind of be at work, but, you know, you're cheering on colleges you never even heard, Belarine, Colgate, Ithaca, you know, you know, Wes Wego State or whatever, Gulf Coast Community, College, Tech, Sunday school.
Go Ravens.
You know, you're just, you don't even know what's going on.
You're buying merch and shit.
You know, it just, you're dialed in and there's just great basketball all week.
And I love that.
Yeah, what's going on?
I'm going to get myself a piano.
My birthday's coming up.
I'm going to get myself a piano.
I'm looking forward to that.
You know, I've wanted a piano for a long time, so I'm going to have that bitch.
And yeah, that's kind of what's happening in my week, really.
Yeah, I got up this morning and I went over to the gym.
You know, I get up and do a routine right now.
I get up and I make a I do prayers and then I do a gratitude list and a meditation.
And then I get into motion.
I get moving, baby.
I get, you know, wiener first is kind of my motto.
It's like sometimes you can walk where your body, your shoulders are first or your face is first.
We used to have this one fella.
He always kind of looked like this.
Like his nose was always first.
Looked like he was always smelling booty, you know, body gas or something.
Or sniffing, you know, that butt hash.
You know, if somebody had been, you know, chiefing out their own butt doing gas, body gas and fighting.
You know, fighting.
If somebody had been doing any of that, he you dumb.
He walked like he had nose first, you know, this fella Steven.
Like he was always, like he was a detective for body gas, poop gas, butt, butt hash.
You know what I'm talking about?
Gas, but so some people walk like that, nose first.
Some people walk knees first.
A lot of Indian people, if you have a friend who is a Far Eastern Indian, not Native Americans, who are pretty much my new favorite people too, I want to say that.
So, but anyway, if you are a Indian, you know, like, you know what I'm talking about, an Indian dude, trucker or gas station guy, IT guy, engineer.
Sometimes they almost look like black guys, but they're not.
You ever see a black dude, but he has regular hair?
You're like, what the fuck?
That's an Indian dude or Bangladeshi.
And they won't tell you if they're one or the other.
You got to ask them.
You almost have to tap on them and ask them.
And Indian people, they walk sometimes knees first.
It's hard.
It's very, they will do it.
But my new thing, wiener first, if you got that wiener, if you are leading with that vestibule of seed, baby, that wiener, then you telling the world, hey, get this, dad, you know?
That's what you're telling the world.
You're saying, hey, you're going to come at me?
I'm going to give you this serving right up.
And there's something powerful about that.
To walk with your loin, with That bag, baby.
You know, with that bag and branch, baby, with that bat, with that bat and satchel, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
With that root and them seed buckets, baby, there's something powerful to say, you know what?
I'm putting it all forward.
There's something powerful about that.
And Native Americans did that.
They walked.
They're very, the posture is right there.
You got snout, genital, knee, and that shit was lined up.
And maybe you'd see that the penis would be just ahead, just winning the race.
You know, like they're coming out of this and a nose and this and this and this and the penis and this and the knee.
Penis.
You know, and there's something powerful about that.
And I'm one-eighth Pontiac.
A lot of people didn't know that.
I am one-eighth Pontiac.
We got the chart back or whatever.
Somebody spitting something, you know.
Or my sister banged somebody and they got tested.
I don't know what happened.
But I am 1-8th Pontiac.
And I'm happy about that.
We got some great calls that came in.
You know, I want to let you know also right now that we're currently actually, you know what?
Let's go to this call that came in right here.
What's up, Phil?
My name is Victor.
I actually saw you in Chicago.
I'm from Chicago.
I saw you at the Chicago theater.
What's up, Victor?
And Victor is a great name because it means champion.
It means first place leader, trophy boy.
You know what I'm saying?
That blue ribbon monster.
That's Victor, baby.
That's Victor.
Onward.
I was a tall Mexican with blue sweater.
I don't know.
Oh, I did meet a tall Mexican after the show.
And they're rare.
I mean, when you meet them, you know it.
I mean, you damn want to steal a piece of their hair, you know, because it's they're that's that chupacabra, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
You don't see a tall Mexican.
Name 44 tall Mexicans.
You know what I'm saying?
It's just, they don't have it.
And they're trying.
You see a lot of Mexican people these days, they fucking upward.
You see them meet somebody, and if they're not 5'4, they're not fucking them.
And I'm sorry about my language, but that's just what's going on, baby.
Let's hear the call.
I was wondering what you think about, you know, them Ukrainian brothers, you know, getting absolutely fucking blacked by Russians, you know?
You know what I'm saying?
And what do you think about the president of Ukraine denying a write-out?
He said, I don't need a write-out.
I need bullets, bro.
I think this guy's fucking dick and huge, bro.
Like, this guy fucks, man, you know?
Look, baby, I'll say this.
They're bangers, baby.
The Ukrainians are bangers.
And those people, man, those frozen Far Easterners, baby, they about that bout.
Them people like to cigarette smoke and try and knock each other out, bro.
It is a ice-cold culture.
They have, I remember seeing, not seeing, but hearing descriptive stories of children playing with stone dolls over there.
And you'd see a drawing of like a five-year-old girl carrying a, you know, four-pound stone doll that she got for Christmas or whatever.
So when your first baby doll, that bitch weighed four pounds and it's made out of stone and you got to keep it in your bed at night or even if you put it in the garden and a bird shits on that thing, baby, that's a, and you still carrying that thing to church?
I mean, you are a lot of tough people over there.
And yeah, you know, I think it's a, you know, it's kind of a travesty to see that there's so much violence.
But yeah, they want to eastwood it out.
They want to bang it out.
That dude's saying, mail me a bullet.
You could put a bullet in the mail of that dude.
He's ready to use it.
And, you know, I don't know enough about the situation.
But I just know that we're going to try to help where we can.
And actually, right now, we're running a 25% off sale on the out-of-gas collection from now until this Sunday, March 20th.
And proceeds from the sale will go to the World Vision International Ukraine Crisis Fund.
I have a friend that works for that organization.
They're a great organization.
They really focus on helping children.
And they have this Ukraine-specific crisis fund.
So that's where it's going to go to.
If you don't like that charity, that's totally fine.
Put your efforts somewhere else.
We're going to make a donation as well.
Well, that's what we're going to do, man.
You know, and yes, I mean, war is just damn.
It's just people want it all.
You know, you see people, they want it all.
And I think Putin, he wants to go out.
He wants to go out that banger.
You know, he's kind of that fifth year senior right now.
And he's like, I'm not going out without using all the toys.
I'm not going out without using all the toys.
He's that toy bear, you know?
And he opens up his toy chest and it's all missiles, baby.
It's missiles and strong knives.
He's got a knife that have a damn missile in it.
You stab somebody and then a missile shoots them.
Like, damn, just stabbed him.
But that's who he is, baby.
That's who he is.
And he is who you thought he was.
You always knew it.
The dude's shirtless.
He's out there fucking.
You know, he's, you know, he doesn't have a lot of heart.
And he's from another era.
But Ukraine's saying, let's bang, baby.
Let's make it three out of five.
You know, Herb Dean's trying to step in and they're saying, nah, nah, nah, nah, let it go.
Let it go.
I'd love to see Bispang and Anik commentate it.
Because I wouldn't be surprised to see Ukraine make that comeback.
And our thoughts and well-wishes and prayers with everybody over there.
It's a lot of travesty going on when you see war happen.
And in a second, we're going to take those calls.
We had a lot of people call in about the masturbation and if they had ever had a sibling, if they caught a sibling masturbating, how that had fared and what that's like to grow up being a victim of visual sibling masturbation.
Seeing victim.
So, all right.
I want to know, what would you do if you didn't have any high interest loans?
And it's a good question because some people don't know.
Some people, they might make themselves a steak dinner or get a steak for the kid.
A kid had never had a steak.
I remember I had my first steak when I went, I think I was 16, 17. Somebody, daddy, cut me a piece of steak or left some on his plate because he got drunk.
And I ate it.
Well, what would you do if you didn't have high interest loans or credit card debt?
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If you need help, you got to get it.
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I want to tell you about all birds.
And I'm not talking about gulls and pelicans and everything.
Toucan and sparrow.
Talking about the shoes, man.
You want to feel your feet fly.
Put on the new allbirds, Tree Dasher 2. I love my allbirds.
I love them when I go to the airport.
I put them on.
You know, if I'm going to a casual business meeting, which a lot of business meetings are now, and they're casual or semi-casual, I think.
And that's how you do it.
You know, and I don't know what semi-casual means.
It might mean you have a little bit of an erection.
But I don't know that.
And don't quote me on that.
But you can quote me that the Allbirds Tree Dasher 2 is a great shoe.
And it's a running shoe now.
I've frequented the casual pairs.
But the running shoe is different.
It's for outdoors.
It's for taking on your goals out there in the spring and feeling it, letting nature say, hey, I'll meet you outdoors.
I'll meet you halfway, Mother Nature.
Let's go for a jog.
Their light, more responsive foam adds spring to every step.
Extra traction grips the pavement.
They have FSC certified tensile liocell.
That's right.
Eucalyptus tree fiber built into them.
Dang.
So if you're running on a trail, you're putting nature on nature, baby.
Shoelaces made from recycled plastic bottles.
Go to allbirds.com, the new AllBirds Tree Dasher 2. I love my All Birds.
I really do, and you will, too.
Yeah, we had this call that came in.
I want to play this sucker.
Hey, CO.
My name is Big Daddy J. Big Daddy J, brother.
And appreciate your call, man.
Onward.
I'm calling all the way from Walnut, California.
Runatonia.
Walnut.
And, you know, it's a nut.
Walnut is a nut you don't hear much about.
Peanut really has a lot of the, they kind of, they got a lot of the acreage.
Walnut is kind of that all, you know, it's kind of that unorthodox, strained looking nut.
It looks like a damn nut out of your body, a body nut.
You know, a sack nut.
That little seed, baby, it looks like a real body nut.
But yeah, anyway, I don't know what I'm talking about.
Onward.
Hey, man, I just wanted to say I love the podcast.
I love the comedy specials you got on Netflix.
They're hilarious.
And I wanted to ask you, if you don't mind blowing up the spot, what's the name of the ayahuasca retreat that you went to in L.A.?
I've been feeling a need to go and get that done.
Gang, Baby, I appreciate you asking, and it's a secretive place.
That's the thing right now.
You know, it can't be legally done in America, I believe, unless you're a church.
Let me see.
It says right here: the ayahuasca plant itself is not illegal in the United States.
However, the active ingredient, DMT, is, as it is classified as a Schedule I drug, which is the same category as hair on an ecstasy.
Man, I can tell you these things are way, ayahuasca is way different than that.
Ayahuasca has been decriminalized in Oakland, California, Santa Cruz, Denver, Colorado, Washington, D.C., and Cambridge, Massachusetts.
This means you won't face prosecution if you possess or use a psychedelic brew, but only in these cities.
And I don't know how much of that is true.
I don't know if that's really the best information.
This is just off a random space on the internet.
Let me read one more.
While it is true that only the two main Brazilian ayahuasca religions, Unayo do Vegetal and Santo Daime, have secured legal protections for sacramental ayahuasca use in the U.S., and those legal protections do not yet formally extend to anyone else,
today there is a growing movement of churches asserting their rights, either by formal petitions or heel-digging perseverance, to use psychedelic sacraments as part of the free exercise of their religions under the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution and the Religious Freedom Restoration Act.
That's really interesting.
This article is also from 2020, so that doesn't really help us.
Let me see if I can get anything more recent.
Seattle's psychedelic revolution has arrived.
Decriminalization means shrooms have officially taken root.
Oh, interesting.
You know, I'm going to have to do a little bit more investigative on this.
I'm going to have to do a little bit more investigative.
From what I believe and have heard, you have to be a church to administer the drug.
You have to be a church.
I know there's a lot of groups that are fighting and pushing for it.
The group that I did it with is fighting and pushing for it.
But in the meantime, it's got a trap house vibe to it.
And it's really fascinating.
You go and you wear all white and you sit there and you are in this group.
And I didn't know anybody when I went.
And you drink one plant and then a little while later you drink another plant and you sit there and you just start like meditating.
You just start having a thought and then it becomes a story.
And then the story, you start to realize that it's not just a thought you're having.
It's a sometimes kind of a realization.
I don't know.
I'll go more into it.
I'm going to think more about it.
If you have any questions about the ayahuasca, send in or about my experience, send them in, and I'll try to do an episode about it, specifically about it next time.
I know last time we put this question on, it was a very interesting question as to the time in men's life about their body and their semen.
And I want to just hear that question right now.
Here it is.
I'm sure there's probably, if there's anybody out there, if you ever had a brother, you accidentally seen your brother masturbate or something, you know, and I'm not trying to be, you know, nasty or whatever, but I'm just curious, the effect it has on you.
Can you still look at him the same?
Is everything still okay between you?
And if you saw him, do you tell him?
You let him know that?
Or is that a private thing?
And, you know, or if your brother saw you, how did you handle that?
You know, how'd you handle that?
And we had a lot of interesting calls, man.
And I find this stuff to be fascinating.
And some, you know, some people will say this stuff's homoerotic.
I don't find that.
But I find it interesting to get a bead on how we learn sex and what it means and how we, you know, I've had taboos at things in my life where I was like, oh, I can't talk about this.
I can't share this.
I can't say things that I'm into or not into.
I'm afraid.
I've always had an intense nervousness around sex, so it's almost felt like this just crazy game of freeze tag where it's just like, you're it, you're it, you're it, you're it, you're I've never handled it super well.
I get so damn excited.
I'm like one of those fainting goats, you know.
I'm like one of those fainting goats, baby, when it comes to the sexual and the full sexual, baby.
I got that fainting goat energy.
You know what I'm saying?
I'll be in there.
I'll be bleating and hammering and I'll be eating garbage.
You know, I'm that goat, but damn, son, before I know it, a couple thrusts in and the clock strikes midnight and I'm faint.
You know, I faint.
My energy gets so heightened up, I can't handle it.
And my brain shuts down.
But anyway, let's get back to you guys.
Sorry, I'm hogging all this.
That was the question.
And you guys had some great calls that came in, man.
I want to hear a couple of them.
Here we go.
Gang, gang, P.O., this is Zach.
What's going on, man?
Zach.
And that's short usually for Zachariah, I believe.
Or Zach Z-A-C-H Zach, maybe even.
I think it's somewhere from somewhere else.
So let's hear it.
I was just listening to your episode the other day, and you're talking about, you know, learning to beat off and stuff and getting like caught by your brother or whatever.
I never got caught by a family member, but I got taught by a fella down the street from me.
And he taught me what masturbation was.
And then, you know, back in middle school when you were figuring that out and all the homies found out, you know, we all found out together how to beat off.
You know, one guy learns, he starts telling his buddy, he's like, yo, you got to try this shit.
And the next thing you know, bro, it's a Friday night.
We're having a sleepover and we're all hanging out, watching some freaking pornography together.
Just beating off.
Oh, yeah.
The devil's video game, baby.
You know, that little spunk Bowser.
You know what I'm talking about.
Fighting that damn inner enemy.
Onward.
Just a bunch of freaking 12-year-old dudes just getting there.
I mean, nothing's coming out.
We couldn't come yet, but, you know, we were trying.
Anyway, look, gay or nothing is just, you know, you boys found out how to beat off.
You're like, dude, this shit's sick.
Anyways, bro, love the podcast.
Love you, man.
Gang gang.
Gang, baby, this shit's sick, bro.
Dang.
Bro, we were at Randall's and we were beaten.
Yeah, baby.
Look, I mean, it's all interesting.
How does it come into your life?
How do you learn it?
Is it in a comfortable space?
Is it an uncomfortable space?
I'm sure if you and all your friends are out there just dry, you know, you know, beating, but not even saying it, not even, you know, just like the damn blue man group out there.
You know, you guys are doing, you know, you're putting in the work, but nobody's, you don't really know, you know, you're not, you just, y'all ain't getting nothing out.
That's the damn blue man group.
Hell, that could have been how the blue man group started.
A couple dudes beaten, and there's no, you know, no geyser and, you know, no spout.
And the next thing you know, they damn turn blue and they start a band.
Yeah, I think, look, of course, there's nothing gay to nobody unless there's a gay dude who was in the group.
If that's the case, then that is his, bro, he saved the sheets, that guy.
If you have a friend who isn't married and he's never had a girlfriend and he wears a bed sheet every Halloween with the eyes cut out and it's the same bed sheet, then that dude is us, that dude was an undercover gay dude who was in y'all's friend group.
Because he probably started taking art classes.
He's drawing the reenact, drawing those scenes.
I mean, to him, that's everything.
But yeah, it's interesting.
How do you learn it?
I remember somebody at school one time said the word dildo, and I didn't know what it was.
You know, and I knew a lot of words.
I was a word boy.
You'd see me sometime running down the street, a damn preposition fall out of my bag, or an I-N-G, or a, you know, L-E-D, or a damn, you know, you know, you'd see a damn onomatopoeia just roll, you know, fall out of my shirt sleeve or something.
I was a word boy.
And man, yeah, you see, what are they talking about?
I don't know.
But that's one way.
Look, I think that's insane to see people just using a damn air rifle to some of y'all shit, you know.
That's insane to me, but that's how you learned it.
I mean, I remember I had, I had found some nudie magazines, titty literature, you know what I'm talking about, titty literature, baby, you know.
And I'd found them on the top level of my brother's closet.
And dude, I got out there and at the same time, I found a little bit of Alizé liquor.
And that shit was peach flavored or something.
Something beautiful, beautiful flavor.
You know, a flavor they didn't have a lot of flavor back then.
You had peppermint, you had strawberry.
You had lime had just come out.
And people were all crazy about lime, you know.
You'd see husband, you know, spousal killing.
Somebody choked the spouse to death.
He wouldn't share the lime, you know.
He kept the lime in his truck, you know.
So when peach came out, people were fucking keyed up.
You'd see people caught keying each other's cars and yelling, you're a pussy, out of their vehicle when they were driving by and shit.
People didn't know how to handle the energy.
Because nobody'd seen peach before as a new flavor.
And damn, when it hit the scene, people were gassed up.
And I got up on that.
It was the top level in my brother's closet and they had some nudia magazine and some liquor.
And I'd never had nair one of them, bro.
And I crack open one and I crack open the other.
And next thing you know, I'm, you know, touching myself to the magazine and sipping on the liquor.
And then I'm sipping on, one point I'm sipping on the magazine, dude.
I'm trying to pour the titties into my mouth and I'm touching the bottle.
I just got all damn confused.
And then at one point, I blacked out and fell off that shelving unit.
You know, like a damn, you know, I fell off a child.
I landed a man, baby.
And I was blacked out unconscious, erect, and had liquor, peach liquor on my breath.
Amen, baby.
That's all I got to say.
Let's Take another call.
You guys had some great ones.
The hotline, as always, is 985-664-9503 onward.
Hey, this is Stevie King calling out of New Jersey.
Stevie D out of New Jersey.
And some people can't even spell their last name.
Isn't that, you know, and I'm not saying that sad, Stevie.
I just, you know, we're here for you, buddy.
Stevie D, thank you, brother.
Onward.
Just calling to tell you what it's like to have your brother walk in on you, you know, jerking it.
Not only did my brother catch me jerking it, but also my sister and my mother did as well.
Not at the same time, although I think that might have actually been better.
But yeah, anyways, it's fucking horrible.
It's exactly how you would imagine it.
You know, it ruins not only that day, but a week, possibly 10 days of your life.
Just feels pure shame.
You know, your brother tries to pretend everything's okay, but you know it isn't.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, your brother's no, you know, he's no, you know, Benedict Cumberbatch or whatever.
He's no Brad Paisley.
He's not a great actor.
So he can try to pretend all he wants that everything's fine, but it's the reality is seeping through the seams that he knows that you are, you know, touching your body in such a unique way that semen's coming out of it.
And that is, that's a lot, man.
It sounds like a lot anyway.
Onward.
My mom was probably the worst of because she walked in and I was just sitting on a bed, staring at a laptop, naked, sitting there, crisscrossed applesauce.
Oh, Native American style.
Now, you got to respect that a little.
You know, I'm 1-8th Pontiac, baby, and you got to respect a man who gets back to his roots to get back to his roots onward.
And, you know, it really just made me take a good look at my life.
But, yeah, it's exactly as bad as you would imagine it.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can imagine.
That I can see when all the family sees it.
When all the family gets the hang of that, when they all get to, and then they're talking, you know, they're talking about it.
You know, they're going to the movies, and after the movie, they're walking to the car, and one of them's like, oh, you know, remember when.
Hey, this is Stevie D. Remember when Stevie D was bursting himself over there?
You know, and then the other one's like, he was bursting himself by me, you know.
So, yeah, I'm sure that they have had a real hoot.
Now, I'm sure you've given them a lot of joy.
Now, at the time, very traumatic.
Especially your sister and mother to see it.
I mean, don't you know to lock a door?
Don't you know how to damn close a door?
What do you, you know?
And who sits there in Native Americans?
I mean, I guess I, you know.
You know, I'm sorry I'm really judging here, but I just, you know, I just, well, here's what I would do.
I think you should at one make some joy out of it now.
I would have them all bring a scorecard to the table one day.
Y'all are at dinner.
You have dessert.
Have a pudding.
Have a pudding.
And be like, look, guys, on the count of three, I want you to all rate me on how you felt like I was doing as a master boutur.
And then they all hold that card up.
You get a nine.
You get a six.
If your sister gives you a ten, dude, then you guys, then that's on her now.
If your sister gives you a damn 10 on turbating, that's on her.
So I think, but that would add some levity to it and really bring it off that high cliff of, you know, Stevie D's a per, you know, Stevie D. He's a perfect.
All right, let's get in another one here, right here.
Homeward.
What's up, baby bear?
This is John from sunny LA.
I'm just looking out my balcony enjoying a cup of coffee and I'm responding to the brothers in masturbation question that you have.
What's up, John?
Thank you for calling, man, from Los Angeles, and we appreciate you.
And if you're drinking coffee and you're looking out the window, y'all must be damn rich, baby.
If you got a window in a French press, son, damn.
Y'all must be damn rich.
Your daddy must have damn done something, huh?
Let's hear more.
My brother actually taught me how to masturbate, and we're best of friends, man.
I think I was like 11. We shared a room, and he was awake, and he woke me up, and he's messing around, and I'm like, yo, Tony, what are you doing?
He looked at me, man.
He said, I'm masturbating.
It feels so good.
You've never masturbated?
Damn, Tony, huh?
Homer?
I was like, I don't even know what that is, man.
So right next to him, he sat me down.
He taught me.
And being 11, man, with those boners, I couldn't get enough of it.
I was going into school.
I was like, I'd sneeze and I'd crack a boner.
I can't believe Riley doesn't, Riley doesn't.
He's got to be walking around full-tiled, baby.
Yeah, I mean, look, Riley Mao is a homeschooled kid, and who knows what happened to him?
And who knows what God wants for him or if his parents are, you know, trying to detour him off a God's bus path.
I don't know.
You know, this is fascinating to me that your brother, it is fascinating to me that your brother taught you how to masturbate.
I'd never, I've never heard of that.
And at first I'm thinking, man, this guy's, this is, this is, this is not good.
But then the more I'm thinking about it, I'm like, this is maybe this is how it's supposed to be, you know, because otherwise, who teaches you?
You know, some creep over there, some guy selling sugar syrup or whatever.
You know, some guy's got you in his truck or something.
He's a trucker, he drove off the interstate.
He's putting Tootsie rolls in you and Michael Grutch's mouth.
And now he, you know, and now y'all all dampened up over there.
You know, you don't even know anybody.
Maybe it's the brother's responsibility.
Maybe it's the brother's responsibility or the father's responsibility.
That's a great, I wonder how they used to do it in native culture.
Because that's where we're missing all of literally all of these beats, you know, like we're missing this connective tissue that we allow everything to be made taboo and then we and then it's profited off of.
Products are created.
It's like if my brother taught me how to masturbate, I use the same style as him.
You know, it's like people would know us by our style.
If, you know, say a cop saw somebody jerking off near a building and they just see the shadow, they could, oh, that's the, you know, that's how they're, that's the family style, you know?
I mean, I just, that's fascinating, man.
You know, I think a good response on this, what do you guys think?
985-664-9503.
Is it a brother?
Is that a good idea?
It's a brother's responsibility to teach their younger sibling how to masturbate.
The father might not be because that's, but I don't know.
Yeah, I don't, it's not, you don't do it to them, but you, I don't know.
Have somebody's father taught them?
I don't know.
Some of this is just really interesting to me, man.
You know, I learned from a magazine and then I found a dirty movie and I put that bitch in and next thing you know, I'd ejaculated and I felt horrible.
I didn't know what was going on.
And I felt ashamed.
There was nobody I could ask.
My dad couldn't even hear me.
I remember he was 82 or 83. And I tried to ask him something and his fucking heart pressure went up and he couldn't drive his car.
And I remember he pulled the car over and I thought he was so sad that I'd asked him.
And it had nothing to do with it.
He was just senior citizen and just had decided he couldn't drive anymore.
And I'm just sitting there and I just, I don't know, just a lot of bad shit.
But anyway, his brother taught him.
There you go.
That's one way to do it.
All right, we're going to get to a few more.
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Okay, let's venture into a few more of these.
Interesting here when we do stuff about sex and that.
Embody sex.
Okay, here we go.
Yo, what up, F-O-Gang Gang?
It's your boy Jeff I coming to you from Long Island, New York.
Jeff I, and that's a rare name, baby.
I is a unique last name as a fighter, Jessica I, a UFC fighter.
Beautiful and tough.
Gang, onward.
Just want to let you know that I'm a huge fan, and you're a huge inspiration to me of actually having my son May 25th, and I'm actually in CEO, and the name is definitely derived from a huge inspiration of you.
And I just wanted to say that you've had a huge impact on me and my life, and I thank you for everything you've done for me over these past couple years.
Man, thank you.
That's very, that's very awesome.
That's exciting.
You know, I feel that's very sweet of you, man.
I appreciate it.
And I'm happy and excited for you guys and your child.
That's beautiful, man.
Y'all got a little son and Theo.
It's a good name.
You know, I'm just happy for you onward.
But yeah, one crazy fucking story.
Just have on the sincere most recent podcast, Teenage Easter.
My little brother, he's 13 now, so we have a pretty decent age gap.
I'm 25, Lowe and I'm 26. And a couple weeks ago, when he was sleeping over the house, he left his phone open.
And I'm not the type of person to invade anyone's privacy, but it was literally open on his browser history.
So just out of curiosity, I peeped it.
Okay.
Onward.
And I was definitely fucking scarred for life.
I felt like I had to wash my eyeballs out with Cloron Sublease after I saw his history, man.
I mean, categories from slamming granny and fanny to foot jobs to double penetration dildo rides, man.
I just don't see how a 13-year-old is, you know, interested in something like this.
You know, I'm just a simple guy.
It's like the big booty, you know, some big tips categories.
But I just want to know your thoughts on these youngins getting access to pornographic videography.
Yeah.
Oh, well, it's heartbreaking.
You know, I mean, it's heartbreaking to see that these youngsters are all porned out.
You know, the category, it's just too intense now.
When I was young, the categories were different.
It was like, you know, tits across the street, you know, or like, you know, chick with cough and big tits.
You know, that would be, you know, or two chicks with a cough, you know, women, coughing women with tits.
You're like, oh, this is going to be good.
You know, or lawyer's wife or woman with asthma with, you know, with tits, you know, or woman chasing squirrel with strong labia.
You know, it was just a different time.
It was a different time.
And now the levels of pornography out there, it's in, you know, it's insane.
You know, woman fucks building, you know, and you're like, whoa, that thing's three stories, you know, damn.
You know, that thing's got a car dealership in the bottom.
I mean, is she going to be okay?
You know, it just, there's a lot more health concerns out there now.
And to know that the young bucks are seeing it, man, I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know if it's okay.
I don't know if it's safe.
So that, you know, it's just a different time now.
I mean, I remember we had when we learned about Teddy, you know, we had a fellow that had soft hands.
I mean, just so soft, you know, just like his hands were just probably 40% polyester.
And he just had the softest hands.
And I remember we would get him to put his hands like this and to get a pencil, half a pencil, and get the eraser sticking out.
And he'd do that after school with that eraser sticking out.
And you'd go over and you'd feel on his hand on the, what was it, a nipple?
And one of your other buddies who was in choir, he would whisper titty in your ear, you know?
So it was just, it was like this perfect storm.
You could feel this soft kind of nipple thing and he's singing titty and you got this, just this robust sense of feminine, you know, of a breast.
And that was porn.
You know, we had to all meet up.
It was just joining for it was just, you know, and now it's just, I mean, you know, there's just no God in it.
At least we were together and there was a little bit of unity and you had to, you know, get a pencil.
Yeah, I mean, that was all it took for arousal for us.
And now the waters are deep.
The waters are deep and the waters are devilish.
You know, and sometimes you need God's help, man.
I would maybe take your brother over to the church.
You know, and I'm not saying beat his ass at church, but, you know, maybe get out the car and hit him once and see if God wants you to hit him again.
You'll know immediately.
Because sometimes the older sibling has to come in and be God's hitman.
You know, sometimes the older sibling has to come in and be God's hitman because if not, what's next for the boy?
You got to ask yourself that.
And when I say you have to, you have to.
You're the brother, man.
But dang.
And also, I don't want him teaching little Theo.
That's me.
Now I'm in.
Now I'm in.
I don't want him teaching me this shit.
You know, nine years from now, his little net, you know, my uncle is going to be, you know, he's going to be, you know, what's he going to teach me?
You know, it's just, I don't, what's he going to get me for Easter or whatever?
I don't need all that shit.
I'm only nine.
So just take care of us, man.
Take care of us.
And congratulations on the new kiddo, man.
I'm excited for you guys, baby.
Gang, gang.
Oh, man.
We got one more call right here.
Hey, Ziovon.
This is Tyrell.
I'm just driving home back to California.
And I was listening to your podcast.
Thought I'd hit some stuff off my chest.
Tyrell, baby.
Thank you for calling, man.
And it's good to get some diversity on the pod, baby.
We love you guys, dude, and we know you are good, folks.
Onward.
Just driving home back to California.
And I was listening to your podcast.
Thought I'd hit some stuff off my chest.
You know, I've been single for quite some time now.
Haven't been having sex in the last, I don't know, two years.
And I just need some advice, man, on how do I get back in the game?
How do I, you know, get my willie wet, if you will.
Appreciate it.
Love what you're doing.
Keep it up.
Later.
Gang, baby, you're trying to get that hitter, baby.
And I feel you.
Look, first of all, you got to get a woman or something that has, you know, something that's willing to let you get inside it.
And legally, I think it has to be a woman or man.
But I would, you know, I don't know where you reside on the sexual spectrum.
But it has to be one of them.
So I don't know how to get back out there.
Are you dating?
Did you give me any more information?
Let me listen one more time.
Some stuff off my chest.
You know, I've been single for quite some time now.
Haven't been having sex in the last, I don't know, two years.
Okay, now that's a long time, and there's a lot of asexuality going on.
So, you know, but sometimes you go through patches and you don't need to feel like you have to have sex all the time.
That's something that's crazy.
You know, that's a crazy thing.
Because once you start that fuse inside of yourself, like, I got to have, I got to get it, I got to meet girls, girls, girls.
Dude, that shit got lit in me years ago, and that thing is a nightmare.
And mine's finally starting to quell a little.
So I don't feel that constant need like I need approval.
Because that fuse will get lit and it will just keep going.
And it's not even you.
You're just acting on this impulse.
So first of all, you're coming from a great place of peace.
I'm choosing.
I would like to get that damp, baby.
That labia.
You know what I'm saying, bruh?
That little smut mitten, dog.
You know what I'm saying, bruh?
That's not holster.
So I think you got a great shot, dude.
I don't know how to just get back in just to sex.
I think it's kind of easy.
People are doing sex all the time.
Even though I read an article that animals aren't even having sex anymore.
So that's, I don't know what that's going to be like in the future.
You know, you go to pet stores and there's just videos and shit and just reenactments in there of just our little stuffed animals.
I have no, you know, a lot of scary stuff going on.
But if you, if you have any suggestions for Tyrell, how to just get sex, I mean, go get you a little hooker also if you want that.
I guess I don't know enough to know what you want.
But if you just want to get the willy wet, then I think you could, you know, you could go to another country and get you a little hooker.
You know, that titty for hire, baby, you could do it.
Or talk to somebody.
There's a lot of women out there these days who are open to sex just to help somebody out.
But I don't know.
If you have a suggestion for Tyler T, you can hit the hotline 985-664-9503.
And that's a good...
But yeah, how to just get some sex?
Damn, just, you know, look, I bet if you ask 40 women, two of them will say yeah.
A lot of people don't care, you know, that sex isn't as important to them or that just not as much of a hang-up for them.
So, and I haven't seen a picture of you or a drawing of you.
So I don't know much about you, but you sound like somebody that somebody would fuck.
To be real honest, let me listen again real quick.
I haven't been having sex in the last, I don't know, two years, and I just need some advice now.
Yeah, you're driving across California.
You can drive.
You can talk and drive on the phone at the same time.
Somebody will fuck you, bro.
I think.
Yeah, somebody will for sure, dude.
So I think just stay active, man.
Stay alive.
If somebody has a great suggestion for Tyler, you can also offer for Tyrell.
Sorry, brother.
985-664-9503.
Damn, Will Wade got fired.
LSU basketball coach.
That broke my heart.
Okay.
What's going on with me?
I'm good.
You know, some stuff on the personal side.
We'll get into it on another episode.
You know, trying to feel good.
I washed my hair.
So, yeah.
You know, I think I'm going through some spaces where I'm kind of Having some new feelings about stuff, and that feel, you know, I'm trying to see what that's like.
Trying to pay attention to my feelings.
Yeah.
So, kind of maybe where I've always been, but really grateful to be here today with you guys.
Really grateful that I get to do this and I get to spend time with you.
And we get to share things in our lives that are fun or interesting or weird.
Or somebody's weird.
Or our weird.
We're lucky.
You know, we are lucky.
And I feel grateful for that.
I'm going to be putting some new tour dates out.
I'm excited.
I don't know what they are yet, but I'll probably announce them next week.
We have the fundraiser for World Vision for Ukraine for relief efforts.
And it's going to go, I think a lot of the money specifically goes to help children.
So I'm really, really excited about that.
And yeah, and if you're struggling with something, man, just know that you aren't alone, you know, and don't feel alone.
I love you.
And just keep going.
You know, just keep going.
Just get to lunch, get to dinner, get to bedtime.
Sometimes we got to just take the small steps.
You know, and we take turns.
One day one of us is leading the other, and the next day the other one's leading the other.
But that's what a gang is, baby.
That's what a gang gang is.
So y'all be good to yourselves, bruh.
You deserve it.
And I'm going.
You know what?
I'll just finish the song that we started out with.
This is Shine by Bishop Gunn.
Thank you, everybody, who hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.
You guys be good to yourselves, man.
You deserve it.
Gang.
And now I've been moving way too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of my past.
And these wheels that I've been robbing on, they're warm so thin that they damn it.
I guess now they just weren't built to last.
Yeah, I'm going now to make sense of what I can, of where I'm going, and where I've been.
Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my story.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song I was singing just for you.
And I will find the words to help you make it through.
If you call my name, I'll sing it to you.
Oh my gosh.
Shine I'll sit and tell you a story Shine on me I will find a song to sing it just for
you shine Yeah, baby, when we share stuff, man, it just Yeah, when we share stuff, it's good.
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