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Feb. 16, 2022 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
01:17:54
E380 Belated Valentine's

Theo returns with another solo episode to discuss his trip to the last Blockbuster on earth, ending up on a celebrity safari at his first Super Bowl, doorbell memories, and relationship cats. -------------------------------------------------- Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: theovonstore.com Podcastville mugs and prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com -------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: Keeps: Go to https://keeps.com/THEO to get your first month free Allbirds: Go to https://allbirds.com and find your perfect pair today Mint Mobile: Go to https://mintmobile.com/THEO and cut your wireless bill to just 15 bucks a month Peloton: Visit https://onepeloton.com to learn more -------------------------------------------------- Music: “Drunk Outdoors" by North Mississippi Allstars https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRyXT... -------------------------------------------------- Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 -------------------------------------------------- Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thisp... Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips -------------------------------------------------- Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Time Text
Good to be here.
Happy Valentine's Day to you and to yours.
Um I'm thinking about my buddy today, little Bobby Lee.
Beautiful little guy.
You know, he's really he's a he's Polynesian.
He's a little crustacean, he's a little cigarette koala.
And oh dude, he would he would breastfeed off a damn he'd breastfeed off a damn nicotine camel.
And I'm not talking about the actual cigarette.
I'm talking about the animal.
He'd suck the tit of a damn nicotine desert horse.
A camel.
Thinking about him.
What's going on, dude?
Oh, you know what I was thinking about?
The doorbell.
Remember when you were young, man?
You'd be at home.
You'd be living your life.
You know, maybe fighting with your sister, you know, or, you know, packing up stuff to leave home.
You were going to run away from home.
Or maybe you were playing cards or doing something.
You know, having a, you know, splitting up a caramel or something with your cousin.
And the doorbell would ring.
When the doorbell rang, everything changed.
Everything, the world, the world stopped when the doorbell rang.
Because it could be anything.
It could be Father Time.
It could be the postman.
It could be somebody wants something.
Somebody's here.
The world came.
Something in the world had stopped on your doorstep and pressed that button.
Hit that all call.
And you saw everybody in the family, even the dog.
Even if you didn't have a dog, a dog would show up and just hear the doorbell.
You quit fighting.
You could be killing your spouse.
And you'd put down the knife and say, let me see who's here.
Man, the doorbell changed everything.
Who is that?
It could be a package.
It could be somebody sending you something.
What is it?
It could be somebody wants to come play.
Hey, can Ernie come play?
Ernie don't live.
Who's Ernie?
We don't have an Ernie.
It could be anybody.
It could be God.
It could be your real dad.
It could be, we had a pedophile, dude.
He'd come and he's the nicest guy.
Nicest pedophile.
You know, hey, you want to come?
We're doing a kickball league.
And he'd be putting lotion on his leg and stuff like that.
They ain't got no league, bro.
You a pedophile, dog.
You know, but no thanks.
But thanks for stopping by.
You were still happy somebody came by.
It was just like a game show.
It was like, let's see what's behind door number one.
You heard the buzzer.
Let's see what's behind door number one.
And it could be anything, man.
I just, I missed that.
I missed that.
I just missed the novelty of it.
Just like, oh, because people don't do the doorbells as much anymore.
People have a ring camera.
People have fake dog bark.
Somebody get a fake Doberman.
And sometimes the battery, like, you hear that.
First of all, that Doberman sounds like he, you know, he prefer, you know, he definitely, that Doberman sounds like he eats his steak with a damn little knife and a little fork.
He sounds a little French, if you're being real honest, bro.
But remember that fake dope to scare people off?
And then we had a neighbor, the batteries got low on their fake Doberman, and it would be like, it sounded like an old guy just trying to, who had a GI issue.
You know, he was tracked up.
You know, he'd just been quesoed out, bro.
And he just couldn't, his body couldn't handle it.
And he couldn't pass bottom.
He couldn't pass nothing out of his bottom.
Because you had that low battery fucking Doberman in there.
Anyway, I just missed the doorbell.
And anything, just anything could happen.
When the doorbell hit, boy, and who was it?
What's going on?
People would run.
And I would have to stand on a chair and look out the peephole.
And my sister would just put her eye up to the low part of the door and just try and look through the wood.
Just like, just, you know, I'd be up here and she would just pretend.
I don't know what the hell she was doing.
You know, just being mystical or whatever.
But anyway, I missed, I just missed that God, that beautiful chime.
That just damn boy.
Just the Lord's freaking B flat.
And everybody came to the, who is that?
It could be, maybe it's our real dad.
Our brother used to call it, maybe it's our real dad.
Our brother used to yell at shit.
You know, and we would draw some, I remember one time we all drew pictures of what we thought our real dad looked like.
You know?
Just because, you know, at some point, everybody wants that.
You know, they want their real dad to come.
Even if they are, even if they have the real dad, they want that trade-in.
You know, they want that upgrade like they do at Enterprise Rentals, baby.
They want that Dodge neon or better.
You know, When it comes, they want that dad neon or better.
Gang, baby, good to see you guys.
Happy Valentine's Day to you.
I hope you love yourself.
And then I hope you can love somebody else, man.
That's important.
And yeah, I went to the Super Bowl.
I'm going to tell you all about it in just a second.
Let's get right into it.
Here, this is a tune that I love right here.
This is North Mississippi All-Stars, Drunk Outdoors.
There's no good drunk outdoors.
Ready to let the dance floor.
Let's go get drunk outdoors.
Now we're cooking with gas on the front burner.
Hot wind gas station down on the corner.
Cooking with gas on the front burner.
Remember to jump out the truck.
Let's go get drunk outdoors.
Ready under the dance floor.
Let's go get drunk outdoors.
Come on, here we go.
If you got money, you can get a little bit.
If you got money, get that hitter.
If you got money, you can get a little bit.
If you got money, get that hitter.
If you got money, get that hitter.
Get the hitter right there, baby.
That is North Mississippi All-Stars.
And that is Drunk Outdoors.
Let me see where they're touring right now so I can let you know.
I know they're supposed to be up in Bend, Oregon soon.
Up there I saw.
But North Mississippi All-Stars.
Okay, right here, they're going to be in Florida on April 9th, Utah on April 23rd, and then in New Orleans, May 1st.
They got some different shows coming up.
You can check them out.
NMALSTARS.com slash tour.
Beautiful crew.
And beautiful music, man.
People love them.
And I love them.
What's going on, baby?
Hope you good.
Hope you're good, daddy.
What's cracking over here?
Not much got up this morning, went for a run, you know?
Pretty cool.
Dude, is it just me or does everybody in every commercial now have just, you know, they got a one-legged person in it?
You know what I'm saying?
Like, I feel like every commercial recently, they really, they trying to wrangle in, I guess, they're catering to, I just, they got a lot of people that's, they missing a, you know, they on, they down a leg or whatever.
I feel every commercial, I turn around, like, damn, they missed that kid missing a leg, the mother.
You know, I just, I don't, maybe it's just something I'm noticing.
It's just like, damn, they gotta, this country, we gotta start getting legs for people, bro, overall.
You know, when I grew up, people had, you know, most people had two legs on them.
And now, I guess, according to advertising, they trying to, you know, they, I guess they don't.
So, anyway, yeah, but yeah, I went to the Super Bowl, bro.
And it was, I got it.
So this whole experience, this is crazy.
So here's what happened.
So Todd Graves came on the podcast a while back, a few months back.
And he's the Kane's chicken man.
And this fella, damn, he'll take a chicken and shape it into just a damn little, it look like a little isthmus of chicken, the way he does it.
And we'll put one on the screen here so you can see he make like a little, it almost looks like a little, let me look at famous islands.
Island shapes.
He make a famous island shape.
It kind of looks like, let me find one here.
I guess this one is pretty good.
He make a chicken looks like Mamotik Island.
He makes a chicken look like a Mamotek Island.
Or Molokini in Hawaii.
He got a real...
It's not a nugget.
It's like a nugget's daddy.
If a nugget's granddaddy showed up, you were like, damn, his granddaddy is here.
That's what Kane's chicken finger looks like.
It's just like a little...
That's what it is, baby.
You put your lips up to that thing.
Nah, God.
You could hear your freaking, you could hear your stomach just play a damn hem off that bitch.
I bet if you blew into a damn chicken finger, that one of them Kane's chicken finger, that bitch, damn, you play, oh, I bet a damn unicorn will run up if he hear the right note.
I just, they got a beautiful chicken.
Anyway, so I get invited.
My friend Cam invites me and I show up over at Beverly, Beverly Hills Hotel, I think.
And it's nice over there.
This is the place where Connor McGregor, where he, you know, bought steroids or whatever.
I don't know.
But this is, you know, he had been staying over there.
It's nice.
They got rich people in there.
I mean, it's, dude, if you just ran up and punched somebody in that bitch, there's a good chance that person probably would be really rich.
It's that kind of space.
You know, they got somebody in there.
Somebody in there drops $30.
They don't even pick it up.
It's not.
They cruising.
They got places to go.
So, anyway, we get there, and this is a real, I'm in a name drop.
This is, I mean, it was just a wild day.
They had, I get there, Coach Orgeron is there and a beautiful fellow.
If you've never seen him, he's like a damn Italian.
He looks like an Italian.
He kind of like, I don't know if he's Italian.
Is he?
He might be.
I don't know.
He looked like a beautiful, some type of a dog, like an American bulldog or something.
He just, and he's real grizzled up.
He's got that, you know, go tigers, you know.
He has that, he just grizzled up.
So the coach is there, that coach, Joe Burrow, in the deal, in the college championship.
I walk in.
There's like Nellie is there, you know, and Nellie, I grew up.
I mean, I put, dude, Nelly gave a lot of white dudes hope.
Real talk.
A lot of white dudes knew we couldn't dance.
We knew it wasn't possible.
We knew we suspected, I think, that God didn't want us to do it.
You know, you just, and then Nelly came along and you're like, damn, bro, God wants maybe does, God is willing to reconsider.
When Nelly hit, it just, it hit.
It hit.
So you got Coach O, you got Nellie, you got Mike Thomas, probably one of my favorite players from national football.
You got, I mean, just a real, dude, I can't, there's, I don't even know where to go with this.
Let me think.
It was just such a crazy thing.
So suddenly I'm in there, bro.
And all, you know, I get nervous sometimes around a lot of celebrities.
I get nervous.
So all I can see is the food.
Suddenly I'm just looking at the food and I'm over there.
You know, I'm picking up food and setting it back down like a catch and release program or whatever, like they do in the nature.
You know, I'm over there.
I don't know what's going on.
You know, I'm looking at stuff.
I'm making weird conversation, asking people like about the recipe or something.
I put a plate with four deviled eggs on it and I don't even like those bitches.
So now I'm wandering around with these deviled eggs, you know, looking like a real creep.
And I didn't want them and there wasn't a lot of table area.
So I could, that's what I hate if you're at a party or some type of mingling event and you can't set down your devil.
There's nowhere to set the, you know.
So you just wandering around with these deviled eggs, you know, like you're looking for a you, you know, like you, like you got Bealzebub's uterus on a little plate or something.
You working, you know, you working in, what's it called?
Gestation or something for Satan.
You juggling gestation on that little plate.
Because you got them D-eggs on you, bro.
You got them little them little hen rubies, baby, you know?
Anyway, so I don't even know who there's just a, it's a crazy group of people that's in there.
So I, uh, some of my friends introduced me to Mike, Mike Thomas.
I get to start talking to him, just talking about saints and stuff like that.
And then we all leave.
We get into a like a real cavalcade, cavalcade of vehicles, like nice vehicles.
Just some shapes I've never even seen.
One of them looked like a van that it looked like a van that had like a real rich daddy.
You know what I'm talking about?
You ever see one of those?
It's like a van, but there's really no even, I mean, I guess there's windows, but it's like, it's like a Mercedes van, and it looks like somebody's dead.
It looks like whoever fucked that van's mom had some money, you know?
Anyway, we get in there.
So I'm in there.
It's crazy.
One of the Jonas brothers is in there.
Nick or Randall or something.
I'm not even sure.
His spouse, Odell Beckham's, his spouse was in there, beautiful lady.
Odell Beckham Jr.'s brother is in there.
My friend Cam is in there.
Some lady I didn't know.
And some guy from Keeping Up with the Kardashians that had kept getting his kind of face remodeled, you know?
Anyway, we're in this van and they got a police escort.
So, dude, this shit feels like, I mean, it's fan, you know, it's crazy.
You know, I'm in there.
I'm just sitting in there enjoying myself.
Next thing you know, we get all the way up to the stadium, to the SoFi stadium.
And one thing that was rough, you could, from every angle you came in from the stadium, I didn't feel like you could see the stadium well.
There was no like good angle to see it.
They had so many fences up, like trying to block COVID and shit.
You know, it's LA.
So they got all of these, they got people out there with shields trying to keep COVID out and just ridiculous, you know.
A lot of ridiculous shit out there.
And so you couldn't really see the stadium.
That was weird.
Well, we got lost.
Our group got separated from we got separated from everybody.
We somehow we got separated because there was like a group.
It was probably like 60 people in our group.
And I'm leaving a ton of people out.
Oh, Logan was there, Mike Majillac.
Logan Paul, Mike Majillac.
Their producer, oh, Bob Minery was there.
You know, he's a voiceover guy and he's a funny guy.
And he bet on the game.
He bet $75,000 on a team that did not win.
So that was, you know, you could see him going through a lot.
He was changing colors throughout the game like a mood ring, bro.
You could just see him, you know, adjusting to the over-under as things went.
And then I think he really, at the end, he was really, I remember he shook my hand.
He wouldn't let go.
He needed somebody.
He needed somebody to be there.
So anyway, we get lost from the group and our group gets separated and we get stuck on the side of the street.
So we're stuck on the side in like a neighborhood.
The other groups all went inside and our group got separated.
I don't know what happened.
I think something happened.
You know, maybe a strong wind hit us or something and we got blowed off course.
You know, and next, that's how they, you know, and that's the difference between being Christopher Columbus and freaking, you know, Randy Columbus.
Nobody's ever heard of him, bro, but he was right there until the end.
A wind hit him and damn.
Next thing you know, he's lodged over there in Compton and just in a neighborhood.
And that was us, bro.
We got Randy Columbus, dude, right over off to the side.
So we kept trying to find our way into the driving around into the stadium.
We couldn't.
And so then we just got out on foot, man.
And it was just the wildest crew, bro.
They had, there's some famous singers that were there.
Sean Mendes.
Sean Mendes was there.
And if you've never seen this guy, man, he's like, I didn't know who he was.
I've heard of his name and I didn't know who he was because there's a lot of stuff I don't know.
And he was there and he's just a, you know, he's really, he looks like Salvador Dali's son, bro.
You know, he just real, look like an artistic kind of, like if a birch tree went to NYU, like NYU or something.
You know, he really, he just, you know, he's an artist.
And then they had this guy, Lion, I think his name was, Leon, from a band.
It was, what was it?
A famous band, Third Threes Company or something.
It was with Harry Styles.
And Harry Styles left them because I guess they were, you know, he was better looking than the other guys or whatever.
I'm not sure who else was in it.
Like Lil Ringo and somebody else was in the band.
Zane.
A guy named Zane, I think, or Zayd.
And yeah.
And Harry Styles said, damn, bro.
You know what I'm saying?
Y'all ain't really showing up in the mirror like I am.
So I'm out.
And he left them.
But anyway, great guys.
Anyway, so all of us and Jonas and Jonas's wife and Odell Beckham's brother and my friend Cam.
And there's this young lady, I don't remember her name, but so suddenly we can't get in.
So now we just start walking around.
So we're just wandering around, walking around the stadium.
Just wandering around.
And literally, like, you know, it was just crazy because these are people that would sell out stadiums and they're just wandering around.
Everybody's so focused on football that nobody even notices anything.
So that was just a cra it was just a unique, it was just an interesting experience.
That was an interesting experience.
It was just crazy.
Kyle Gurley came in, who used to play for the Rams.
Oh, no, Eddie Gurley.
I don't know, bro.
Dude, it was just like, it was just, the whole environment was just nuts.
And, yeah, it's so crazy because it was such a ridiculous time.
But then now that I share about it, I feel like I just fucking made it boring.
But yeah, I watched the game, man.
I was so bummed for Cincinnati.
Because if they win, bro, if Cincinnati wins, that does everything for Cincinnati, dude.
They remember that forever.
People can die.
People on life support would have just signed off last night if Cincinnati had won.
People said, signing off.
And they'd have gone back to the, they'd have heard the Lord's doorbell.
But, yeah, just not what happened.
And the Rams, LA will forget by Wednesday, by the time you're listening to this, LA will have forgotten that their team won the Super Bowl.
Not the diehards.
There's definitely some diehards out there, you know?
And there's a lot of Vatos out there, you know, that love Los Rams.
You know?
Oh, you saw a lot of it.
I mean, I felt like there were some points, I felt like we were some of the only white people in the place.
But damn, Cincinnati.
Imagine you flying home, bro.
And you just going back to what?
You know, I love Cincinnati, but you got to, you know, You get back there, they give you one more bowl of chili, dog.
You know, like, damn, damn.
So, I was just damn.
It hurt me that they lost.
It hurt me.
I really wanted them to win.
You know, it just was, and I don't know, it'll be an interesting climb over the years for Joe Burrow.
And, God, I just love that underdog vibe.
I love that underdog vibe, man.
So, but yeah, man, it was just a, the whole, it was just a crazy time.
This, the whole, I was just like, damn, what am I doing in here in this place?
There was this, you know, not that anybody's really different than anybody else.
And everybody was super low-key, man.
Nelly was cutting up the whole time, making people laugh.
That dude is hilarious.
Yeah, I don't know.
It was just interesting.
Everybody was super friendly and way, and it was kind of funny because you had like a lot of, you know, hypothetically fancy people.
But once we got lost and we had to just get out and walk just through a neighborhood and then just walk, it was just like, I don't know, it was just interesting.
It was just almost like a little bit of like, I don't know.
Because you had people that normally would be escorted in through private entrances and fancy.
And then you just had them just being totally regular.
And it was pretty class.
It was just, it was almost like a prank or something they would do on Ellen or something like that, it seemed like.
On Ellen DeGeneres, if you believe in her.
So, but man, I had a nice time.
I made some new friends.
That's what I did feel like.
So got to talk to Saints football with Mike Thomas, dude.
That's crazy.
You know, he's one of the best receivers ever.
And so I was just like a child, you know, and I felt like a child.
I've always felt like a child, though.
So, yeah, I'll tell you some other stuff.
Let me think about what else.
Let me tell you this, though, also, that this, what is today?
I don't know.
Doesn't matter.
Peloton, baby.
That's what I'm telling you about.
You got to keep fitness fresh.
You know, especially these days, all the commercials, even people with one leg are doing triathlon.
You'll see somebody with one leg going, beating their children now.
Where before that, you know, that kind of thing was reserved for somebody that was fully legged.
And now they doing whatever.
Everybody's got, you know, you'll see a one-armed person out there doing, you know, doing a chili, cooking a chili and stirring the chili with that hook, you know, just hooking out that meat sauce.
And it's just, that's the way the world is.
So what I'm saying is you got to keep things fresh with your fitness.
And the way to do that is to stay motivated and keep from burning out and doing the same thing.
You know, maybe you've been just doing running.
Maybe you need to do a little bit of archery.
Maybe you need to do, you know, do some pickleball or something like that.
Or just throw a heavy pickle back and forth with your cousin.
But Peloton is pushing you further with so much new stuff on the Peloton Bike and Peloton Bike Plus.
They have new classes, new music, new ways to keep your workouts fun and motivating.
One thing they do have now with Peloton is boxing.
They got like on the app, they got ways you can box.
They got ways that you can do yoga.
They have new artist series, music selections.
Peloton is adding fun, new artist series classes.
Workout to the music of a single artist for an entire class.
From your favorite hits to all the deep cuts.
From pop and rock to hip-hop and EDM.
There are over 100 artist series to choose from.
Peloton has a workout for every day and every schedule.
De-stress from a long day with 30 minutes of strength and 20 minutes of cardio.
Or do quick 15-minute total body class before work.
Go to onepeloton.com to learn more.
That's O-N-E-P-E-L-O-T-O-N.com.
Yeah, they got a lot of great stuff.
If you want to try something new, they have it.
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What else?
Yeah, I just look, man.
We had, what else did they have at the game?
They had a lot of little cupcakes.
These little, oh, I noticed you could just walk like from one suite to the next.
You could just, even if you were just in the regular area, you could just walk into a suite.
We walked into one.
It's a FedEx company.
Them package boys, you know, them overnighters.
They in there.
Them same day afternoon dogs.
They in there.
You saw them.
Those men look tired.
The same day afternoon guy, like, damn, they look, they'd been, they put in work.
The overnight guys did a little bit of the second, third day air, they were fucking those, they was comfortable.
They was comfortable.
But yeah, we walked in there and this thing was right next to Drake, the musician.
His thing was right there.
So I would look over and he's standing right there.
I said, damn, bro.
These people rich as hell, bro.
Somebody in there, they rich.
They rich, man.
Dude, if Drake even sneezed on me, I'd put on a neck brace.
You know what I'm saying?
Boy, that's what I would do.
If that dude even patted me on the back once, I'd put that neck brace on, baby, that whiplash.
But it was fun, man, watching the game, seeing all the hype.
I'd never been to a Super Bowl, and I never even thought about the Super Bowl.
You know, I never thought about the Super Bowl like as, you know, I remember growing up, we would stay.
It was kind of late.
I remember, I think one year, it was, I felt like it was late, maybe just because I was a child.
And it felt like it was late on TV.
And we watched it.
And I think it was the nine, the 49ers had lost, had beaten Cincinnati.
So damn.
But that's got to suck.
You fly all the way home and they just got another warm thing of chili for you.
It's nice, though.
I'll say this.
The best food, if you're going to be a team that loses the Super Bowl and you got to go back to a city, nothing goes better with losing, honestly, than a warm bowl of chili, dog.
And that's God saying that through me right now.
I know that.
Nothing goes better with losing than that warm bowl of chili.
Damn, bro.
That will help.
That will help.
But God, I wish they would have won it.
I wish they would have won it.
I want to tell you, we have still shows February 25th in Rockford and February 26th in Chicago and May 7th in Los Angeles.
Those are all still on sale.
What else?
You guys got some calls, and we'll get to those in a minute.
Yeah, dude, it was just, it felt pretty magical.
I felt just lucky to be there.
Like, you know, I guess, you know, a lot of people don't get to go to the Super Bowl.
And I called my good friend Will Teague right before I got, right before I was heading over there because we watched, I think, our first Super Bowl probably together.
We were neighbors.
He's a neighbor child.
And I called him.
I said, hey, man, I'm going to the Super Bowl, dude.
And it was just nice.
It was just, you know, I don't know.
Just cool.
I never thought I would go to a Super Bowl.
So just, yeah, it was just a real time.
It was a real time.
I'm pretty lucky to have just opportunities like that.
So, yeah, I guess I felt pretty grateful.
Not trying to brag about it.
Just, I mean, fuck, it was just bizarre, dude.
It was just the whole thing was bizarre.
And then we got stuck afterwards.
We couldn't leave.
The traffic is just horrible.
So we literally had to just hang out in the parking lot in the back for about two hours, just sitting there, just milling around.
It was like summer camp, kind of.
And it was funny because once everybody kind of became stranded, nobody was like a, nobody, like none of the celebrity people seemed like celebrities anymore.
They just, everybody just kind of seemed just like just pretty regular.
You know, it was like once every, yeah, I don't know.
Once we were all just kind of stranded, it was just like, it was almost like when the power went out when you were young and you just, you'd all have to come together and just be around, you know, you'd all have to come together and just be around each other.
When the power went out, because you kind of needed each other, it was just a little bit of like that.
It was like, fuck, we can't go nowhere.
This is, this is our new little America.
You know, it was like a new little America.
So, but that was my time, dude.
That was, you know, I don't do a lot of crazy shit like that.
That was my time, baby.
I was out there.
What else is interesting?
Oh, I went to see a block.
I went to a Blockbuster video.
This is about maybe a month ago.
I went and visited my ex-girlfriend.
She lives in Bend, Oregon, if you believe in that place.
I went and visited her.
And they had a Blockbuster Video up there, the last one.
And I couldn't believe it.
Right when I got there, some guy was dropping the videos off in the door, in the outdoor slot.
Some dude that, I mean, I can't, the overdue finds he must have had Steep Sprack.
Those overdue finds were upstairs, baby.
Them bitches was upstairs.
And yeah, and then you go in and it's just a flood of the past.
It's like the yellow that was kind of the yellow was a little bit stolen by the minions, kind of.
They kind of took that blockbuster yellow.
And it was just like the wooden, like the kind of prefab kind of wooden.
There was like, you know what I'm talking about, the wood, the paneling type of wood, you know?
It wasn't paneling.
It was like these like, it was like kind of plywood, I think, but it had like this like laminate over it.
And you just saw the movie.
You saw the thing, dramas, television, television was a section and it was just on DVD or C. I don't even know what the, what format it was on in there.
But it was awesome.
You just, and you saw so many titles.
That was the thing.
You saw all the titles.
You're like, oh, what is this one?
You know, Russian, you know, bomber or something.
Oh, Russian bomber.
I've never seen this.
And you read it.
You know, like somebody bombs a Russian.
That was like the synopsis to me.
Like, this shit sounds pretty bad.
You know, my stepdad would like it.
That's one of those movies, you know.
Like Jack Reacher 70, he would like that.
But yeah, one thing that was interesting, you got to see all the movies, went to the different sections, kids, adults, teens, and they had drama, violence, horror.
You go to the little section, like, oh, well, look at all these movies, you know?
Rambo, you know, Rambo, like a Rambo.
Remember that?
Or they'd have like bat attack and like two, you know, dangerous bats attack a family or something and, you know, outside of Des Moines, though.
And they're like, damn, they fucking, these bats are getting people.
Damn, these bats.
But the one interesting thing I thought about being at the blockbuster was you got to, you made a choice.
You had all the things and you made a choice.
You went and you were like, oh, this one looks pretty good.
I'll make this choice.
I'm going to chew.
There was just so many choice.
You could wander in.
You could choose.
Like it felt like you had so many options and you got to make a choice.
Whereas with the streaming platforms now, you turn it on.
The most you can see on a screen at one time is about eight or ten names.
And I don't really, and it feels like it's the same.
You could go through every section.
They give you the same, you know, nine options.
You're like, damn.
So that was one thing that felt interesting at the Blockbuster was that I got to make the choice.
I, you know, maybe I'd be in comedy section.
I'd be looking, see, you know, let me look over there.
You know, they got horror films or they got geriatric, you know, nightmare or whatever, putting nightmares or whatever.
And you go over there and look at that.
They got construction, you know, different shit.
And one area is just blueprints rolled up.
You could read them bitches.
You know, bad blueprints, a lot of stuff from probably like areas where there's like a high water table.
You're like, damn.
So if you know about blueprints, some of that shit can be very, very scary.
But I just thought it was interesting.
I felt so much more like I made the choice at Blockbuster.
Whereas with the streamer platforms, I feel like the choice is kind of made for you.
They're making the choice in the background.
You know, they're giving you these, here's 12 options.
This is, you know.
But at Blockbuster, it just felt like here's all the options.
And maybe because at Blockbuster, you're physically moving, so you're kind of wandering through the, there's more of like you doing an action to go choose something.
I don't know.
It was definitely, I just felt strongly like, man, I miss having the choice as opposed to what it feels like now more is that it gets, it kind of gets chosen for you.
You don't, it doesn't really.
But the screen, it's just, you know, it's just such a small screen that they're going to, they hit you with it enough, you might click on it.
But yeah, it was crazy.
The new releases and the P, the workers are up there and they're like doing the little thing where they take the thing off and make sure nobody's stealing and shit.
God, it was such a throwback.
And then they had the little candies.
They had the, there was always a couple of packs.
They had Nestle's, then they had the Nestle nugget bites or whatever.
The butterfinger bites when them bitches came out, dude.
I had a buddy broke into a fucking blockbuster and got six packs of those bites.
Got six packs of those bites, dude.
Of butterfinger bites, bro.
Damn, dude.
You'd have something, dude.
If your stepdad had two things of freaking bites, you'd fucking wake his ass up.
Get the fuck up, Stanley.
Get up, Darren.
Get up, bitch.
I want them bites, dog.
I want them bites.
When them bitches hit the scene, bro, when bites hit the scene, when Butterfinger bites hit the scene, bro, when Nestle bites, yeah, damn, dog.
You'd see people in their fucking backyards training their bulldog to go get one.
Get that bitch.
Get that bitch, Reginald.
Get that bitch.
Get that bitch, boy.
Get that bite.
It's a different time, man.
Motherfuckers was amped.
And then they had the other candy.
It was like the last, I was like, the package looks like kind of tropical colors, like red and yellow and blue.
You're like, what is that?
You know?
Yeah, so that was it, man.
That was it.
But it was just, yeah.
And the people, oh, I took a picture of the people working in there and they got upset.
They say you can't take pictures of the humans in there.
And they had a little spot at the back of the blockbuster.
You do a birthday in there if you want.
Get your friends over there.
You know, if you still got enough friends that'll come to a birthday that remember blockbuster, that's a little fucking, that's diced out.
What else?
You guys had some great calls, man.
You know, I just had to tell you about this Super Bowl experience.
It was just, first of all, the fact that just getting like lost and then getting lost on the side of the road and then just walking in through the regular entrance with all these people that have sold out stadiums and stuff, it was just baffling, man.
I was like, this is absolutely baffling.
What else, man?
Oh, I'll tell you about this right now.
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What is that?
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They don't have that brick and mortar, daddy.
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I want to let you know that hair loss is killing people.
They found a guy the other day in the woods.
He had all of his hair in his hands and he wasn't alive.
So you do the detective work on that.
Hair loss is killing people.
Dear God, they found a guy the other day.
People didn't know his name, nothing.
He had two sideburns in his hand and he was dead.
You do the math, folks.
Two out of three men will experience some form of hair loss by the time they're 35. Jesus Christ.
Is it fair?
Is it fair, huh?
Women get these big old tits and we out here with losing hair.
Is it fair, God?
It's me, Margaret.
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Yeah, we just don't choose anymore.
A lot of the choices are made by the machines now.
You know, with the doorbell leaving, you look at it and now they got the ring thing.
You can just look and see who it is.
There's no surprise.
You know, it used to be like every time the doorbell rang, it was like it was a surprise party, but you didn't know if the party was going to be good or bad or just neutral.
Sometimes it was just somebody.
I remember one time we opened the door, somebody just standing there said they accidentally rung it.
Said, all right, bro.
So you just never know.
But now with the ring thing, you see who it is, you know?
Now with the movies, you don't really, you know, they give you, you know, the options.
They really narrow it till they get you to get the one you want.
Oh, that'll do it.
You know, a lot of the streaming platforms, they'll even change the image on the thing of the film or the project until it catches your eye.
They'll use three or four pictures.
When they did the Netflix special, they would use three or four pictures and change it and see which one gets people's eye the most.
They want to get your eye.
This is different.
But yeah, I miss the element of surprise.
I miss a little bit of going into the place.
And also with Blockbuster, you drove over there.
You had to get your mom to bring you over there.
She'd be out there smoking in the car.
She'd be out there smoking and yell something.
Get something good.
And you'd be in that bitch.
And a lot of times she gave you money to get a movie and you got a game.
That was the crazy.
You brought that bitch back in.
Mom be like, what movie is it?
You'd be like, oh.
Oh, Double Dragon.
And then she'd beat your ass or something.
Or beat half your ass.
A smart mother leave you with half an ass to sit on.
I remember my mother whooped me so bad one time I had to ride home on all fours on the back seat because I just had too much damage on my ass.
Too much ass damage.
Praise God, baby.
Praise God.
What else?
We got some calls that came in.
Let's see what we got.
Here's a couple that came in.
Here we go.
Let's hear this.
What's happening, TO?
It's Ryan from up here in Louisville, Kentucky.
What's up, Ryan?
Up there in Louisville, baby.
And that's where my boy Lesiedric jumped out and surprised everybody at that party and stole all those purses, baby.
Praise God.
I hope he's doing well out there.
Let's hear more, brother.
Onward.
So my girlfriend and I have been together for about two years now.
We moved in together.
Oh, damn.
Okay.
So you did it like that.
Amen.
But she had a cat, and her cat was kind of an asshole, you know?
Yeah, man.
That's a cat.
So I was like, bitch, let me get a cat.
So we got me a cat.
Months go by.
That's, if she already has a cat, do you need a cat, man?
Like, why do you...
I mean I've never been I don't know I'm not letting some if my You keep your cat, Sandra or whatever your name is.
I don't want a cat.
So I'm trying to support you here, man, but let's hear more.
Yeah, cat.
Months go by, and now we break up.
No shit, dude.
You break up because you let that you, and I'm going to lose this.
I'm going to use this term loosely, bro.
It's a loose term.
You let Nat Mitch cat you up.
You was done.
The second you say, yeah, baby, I'll take a cat on your behalf.
What, dog?
You out here cat halfing for these hoes, baby.
Damn, you can't live like that.
God don't want you out there going home to some cat you don't even love and when you do that shit a woman sees that oh he willing to get that cat all right that's onward tell her to move out she ends up taking the fucking cat she takes her cat and my cat yeah you never had a cat bro don't you understand you never had a cat you was a pawn baby you was a
pawn you was a pet shop pawn you was a feel you they they they the ladies that lady used you she probably have a bunch of pictures of men on her phone that she may get cats and you wanted him now look at franklin he's got it look at him look at that tabby look at ryan over here with that little siamis come on baby you're better than that let's hear more she takes her cat and my cat i take better
care of these goddamn cats than she ever could she's doing this just to get back at me i mean is she wrong or am i just bitching man i you can't be doing that bro you can't take on an animal because some lady needs you and wants to see you like that she wants to look across the room and see you with your cat and she gots her cat it's just you you tougher
than that you know i don't want some lady looking over and i got a cat that she made me get bro i'm upstairs baby if you need me i'll be over there petting my dick no i'll be over there petting myself i'll be over there licking my own skin you know i don't need i'll be over there with a damn parrot or a damn uh pit bull baby or a damn gay friend that's
a prize fighter that's italian baby i'll be over there with billy conforto dog i'll i'll sit over there with a ghost i don't need to be sitting over there with a cat that a woman made me get damn bro good luck dog and be lucky she took that cat i used to live with a guy over here kenny bro and he would uh get stoned and make his cats jump up in the little boxes and shit and i'd have to sit out there and watch that shit see and i was that's and
i was you i was you man i'm watching i'm fucking out here this dude he fucking high, and I'm out here, you know, and I'm fucking high watching these cats in the dude's boxes.
What the fuck am I doing?
And wondering why I'm lonely.
I'm out here watching some man teach a cat to do box tricks and shit in our living room.
And neither one of us were really gainfully employed.
Dear God, bro.
Praise God.
All right, let's hit a couple of these, man, and see what we got here.
Hey, Theo.
My name is Kate, and I just listened to your episode about ayahuasca and your mom and starting to feel your feelings again.
And I was incredibly touched.
Thanks for the call, Kate.
Thank you for reaching out.
The hotline, as always, is 985-664-9503 onward.
And I think I was kind of getting serious a little bit throughout a lot of it.
It reminded me of my own experience not thinking I had feelings for decades.
Well, I mean, not decades, but a long fucking time.
And once I started feeling them again, having an interaction with my dad where I was just crying and so devastated by something, and he was looking at me like I had three eyes.
Like, I remember him saying, like, do you want a beer?
Do you want a glass of wine?
Do you want to go out to dinner?
And I was like, no, I just want you to fucking look at, like, just listen to me or hold me or cry or show some kind of semblance of emotion.
Like, don't try to patch this up with food or alcohol.
So just to say, like, a lot of us have had this experience realizing that our parents couldn't have this open emotional awareness with us.
And it's a really shitty thing to realize.
And I think it's kind of like the equivalent of grieving, a death, like what you might be going through is some kind of grief for something that you didn't receive in childhood that you needed and didn't have the words to express or know that you needed at the time.
Yeah, look, look, I appreciate the call.
And she's talking about the last episode.
If you didn't hear, I was talking just about the experience that I've had with trying to get off antidepressants and doing ayahuasca and just all that's come up during it and everything.
Yeah, you know, I think it's tough.
A lot of us when people, we, we, well, there's a couple things.
For one, we tend to, yeah, when people, there's so many things that can distract us from our feelings now.
There's so many, just, so many things that can just, you have a feeling, you reach for a phone, you reach for a cigarette, you reach for a video game, you reach anything to not have this kind of human experience.
and And I don't know how we stop that, especially now with phones.
I mean, we're just addicted.
If there's any, there's no bigger addiction than a phone.
It just, it's almost like we've let electronics beat us kind of in a way.
Or we've let like, I don't know.
We've let here, let me listen to what you said again.
I remember him saying, like, do you want, do you want a beer?
Do you want a glass of wine?
Do you want to go out to dinner?
And I was like, no, I just want you to fucking look at, like, just listen to me or hold me or cry or show some kind of semblance of emotion.
Like, don't try to patch this up with food or alcohol.
Yeah, I think there's, yeah, so I think there's a lot of, yeah, we try to patch things up.
We try to, we don't know what to do.
And some parents come from a generation where feelings were, they didn't have, there wasn't feelings.
There was no responsibility.
We're at such a place in the world, especially in like this capitalist country of America, where we're all kind of so satiated and there's so much less for us to do physically a lot of times that we're fucking sitting around here, you know, I'm sitting around here, you know, sunbathing in my feelings.
You know, literally just sitting here eating feeling soup.
It's like I'm just, and I'm not knocking it.
I'm not, but I think a lot of our parents were from a different generation, different time, you know, where things still needed to be done with the daily routine and the responsibility.
And like, you know, people used to have kids because they needed them to help on the farms.
That's a few generations ago, but it's not that, you know, it was just a different, you would lose more kids in childbirth.
It was just, there was a lot more, things were more industrial in some ways.
And more natural in some ways.
I think nature and the reality of things was a lot closer.
Because there weren't so many things to separate you.
And people used to get sick and die more.
There was just a reality was so right there.
And now it's like everywhere, you know, there's a medicine for everything.
Everybody stays alive till, you know, we live in longer.
So there's some semblance of that, You know, we all have these desk jobs where we're sitting here looking at ourselves and looking at feedback.
It's just about us.
It's just this mental loop where it's probably unhealthy for us.
And so, yeah, I think we're just in different times.
You know, I think it's so I think that's part of it.
So sometimes our parents, they just didn't have, it wasn't, it's not a part of their language.
I think for some of them, it's not a part of their language.
But yeah, you know, this whole experience going through the ayahuasca and trying to stay off antidepressants has been tough.
Because I just had all these feelings that had never been anywhere.
They've just been stuck in me.
So it's like.
And I could never, I always remember asking myself, how do I feel about this?
I could never, I couldn't even get a feeling.
It was always just this kind of comfortable space, you know, or semi-comfortable space.
But yeah, thanks for sharing, Kate.
I think there's, you know, a couple of things at play.
One, where our parents had, they, they didn't have that, the luxury, if it is a luxury, of wandering through their feelings so much.
Because they had to actually deal with stuff on the outside.
They had real things to deal with.
Whereas today, on average, a lot of that has been, it's pretty comfortable for most people in America.
So you're just kind of left like the only, the last frontier is inside of ourselves now.
And so that's where some of us are maybe exploring.
And then since we're not using our bodies and stuff as much, then there's just, you know, I think there's like this weird time where we don't, a lot of us, you know, our nature doesn't know what to do.
I think there's a weird thing going on where we don't feel of use.
And so I don't know.
I don't know exactly what I'm saying.
I don't know.
Sorry.
I don't know exactly what I'm saying, Kate, but I do appreciate your call, and I appreciate you sharing your experience.
Let's get another caller or two that came in, man.
Here we go right here.
Hey, Bo, this is Rose.
I just from Dallas, Texas, and I just want.
Hey, Rose, from Texas.
Yeah.
The yellow rose of Texas, that used to be a thing.
I don't know what it was.
I think it was a garden or something over there.
And I don't know what happened to it.
Probably that Roundup Ready of Monsanto killed a lot of that shit.
But I love you.
Thank you for calling in, Rose.
Let's hear more.
I want to let you know that I listened to your last solo album, and I'm the mother of five sons, no daughters, and I consider myself a pretty loving mother.
Damn.
You really got that.
Your uterus is a damn little cock gun, baby.
That thing's firing out wieners, baby.
Damn, bro.
Praise, baby.
Praise.
Thank you for sharing, man.
A ma'am or young lady.
I don't know, you know, who knows?
But thank you for the call.
Let's hear more.
You have five sons.
But the words that you said really spoke to me about being there for them, not having an answer, not having a suggestion, just sitting with them in their pain.
And I'm trying to raise strong men, but I needed to hear that.
And I think that not only will I be a better mother, but you'll help me raise better men.
And I just really appreciate your vulnerability and your just access to your feelings and willingness to share that.
It means a lot to all of us.
And I hope you know that.
Gang Dang.
Gang Rose, thank you.
Yeah, and I think I could be extra sensitive about this, the relationship and my relationship with my mother because I didn't have a father relationship.
And I was also a sensitive kid.
So you put all that stuff together.
You know, it can just, it can really be kind of like a little Andrea, like a perfect storm, kind of like that movie where they killed that guy.
Ahab or whatever.
I don't know the guy's name.
But anyway, but thank you for sharing.
Yeah, and that's cool.
You got five signs.
That's awesome.
Yeah, I think it's just.
Yeah, I don't know how to have a better, I mean, I don't know how to have a better life.
I mean, I guess I do, but it's like, I don't know.
I don't know what, you know, I don't know.
But I appreciate that.
And I didn't have any choice but to be where I am.
Like, you know, I wasn't feeling good.
There's nothing I could do about it.
I've been trying everything.
So I just have to be, I think, on this space that I'm on right now.
And, yeah, I think you sound like you're doing a good job just from your voice.
And I hope you are.
And, yeah, and I wish you the best of love and connection over there with your children.
All right.
Yeah, and I want to thank everybody.
A lot of nice messages and stuff from last week's episode and just for the support.
You know, just for the support.
I'm feeling excited this week.
I'm going back to the ayahuasca treatment.
I feel, you know, I'm feeling good, taking care of myself.
yeah.
But I do appreciate it, you know.
It's just been, it's a wild journey.
Like, you know, I don't know.
It's like, this is just where this is my life.
And yeah, I'm just really grateful for the support, man.
A lot of nice words.
You know, a lot of people going through their own journeys and things and trying to keep themselves healthy and well.
And I don't know what it is.
I don't know if it's that maybe humans, we don't feel of use.
We feel disconnected from nature.
I'm not sure.
I don't know if America has much more mental health problems than other places or emotional wellness problems, you know.
Because I also don't know if some of my problems feel like they're mental health or if they're more like just emotional wellness, you know.
I mean, I took a long sabbatical on medicine from having feelings.
So, you know, when you really open that back up, it's going to be a ride.
But, yeah, just grateful, man.
Grateful for a lot of beautiful messages.
And just for supporting the podcast.
Excited to do some shows.
Got to do some shows last night, this two nights ago.
What else is going on?
I'm feeling a little bit overwhelmed.
I got a busy day that I got to go do some other stuff.
And this week is going to be busy.
I'm going to Vegas to interview.
We got somebody coming up on the pod.
So going to interview them.
And then going back for the ayahuasca treatment this weekend.
So, you know, just a lot.
A lot going on.
Getting out on tour next week.
And, yeah, still kind of high from that Super Bowl.
It was a long, you know, it was up late.
And yeah, I don't know.
I'm feeling pretty chill, man.
You know, I'm feeling grateful that I have things to do.
And this is where we are, baby.
This is where we are.
Yeah, so I just want to thank everybody.
And what else?
That's it.
That's all we got.
I hope you're doing well and happy Valentine's Day to you.
And I hope you get a little chocolate or something.
You know, I remember when I was young, my mom used to always give us these chocolates.
She would give us that little Russell Stovers, Daddy.
Damn, that little bitch had about four in it, I think.
And one year we had a little bit of money.
She gave us that bitch had six in it.
Damn.
And I loved them all, except for the one with the strawberry cream in it.
I would trade that one to my younger sister.
Lie to her about what it was.
Oh, yeah, you'll love this one.
And that was what it was, baby.
That's, you know, that's capitalism.
That's how it works.
I think let's get out of here the way that we came in, man.
I really like this tune.
This is North Mississippi All-Stars.
I love you guys.
Be good to yourself.
And damn, dude, I got to go to the Super Bowl, bro.
That's crazy.
So that's really, really, I never would have thought it.
If you'd have told me about the Super Bowl, I'd have said, damn, bro.
No way.
So, but that's not what I'm saying now.
You guys be good to yourselves, baby gang.
Let me holler at you, come on step outside.
You got some dollars down to each other, we gon'ride.
Let me holler at you, step outside.
Pumping the drunk out the truck.
Let's go get drunk outdoors.
Baby, I'm ready to dance floor.
Let's go get drunk outdoors.
Now we're cooking with gas on the front burner.
Hot wind gas station down on the corner.
Cooking with gas on the front burner.
Pumping the drunk out the truck.
Let's go get drunk outdoors.
Baby, I'm ready to dance floor.
Let's go get drunk outdoors.
If you got money, you can get a little bit.
If you got money, get that hitter.
If you got money, you can get a little bit.
If you got money, get that hitter.
Get that hitter.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sui.
Is it there?
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John.
I'll take a quarter pot of cheese at a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
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