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Jan. 6, 2022 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

02:08:25

E374 Robbie Williams and Mark Hayes

Robbie Williams is an English singer and entertainer with 11 #1 albums in the UK, who holds the world record for most ticket sales in a single day. Mark Hayes is an Irish comedian and writer who resides in Los Angeles. Robbie Williams and Mark Hayes join the show to discuss mental health, losing your virginity, and the contract that was put out on Robbie's life. They also discuss supernatural activity in Los Angeles, and crushing hotel minibars on Ambien. Theo names all the British people he can think of. Find Robbie Williams IG: https://www.instagram.com/robbiewilliams/ Find Mark Hayes IG: https://www.instagram.com/themarkhayes/ -------------------------------------------------- Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://theovonstore.com Podcastville mugs and prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com -------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: BetterHelp: https://betterhelp.com/THEO for 10% off your first month. Peloton: https://onepeloton.com Try the Peloton app free for 2 months. Bridge Credit Solutions: https://www.bridgecreditsolutions.com/theo Schedule your free credit audit now. Modiphy: https://modiphy.com/theo Get 50% off your starting cost and the last website you'll ever need. Liquid Death: https://liquiddeath.com -------------------------------------------------- Music: "Shine" - Bishop Gunn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek -------------------------------------------------- Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 525 Royal Pkwy PO Box 292634 Nashville, TN 37229 -------------------------------------------------- Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips -------------------------------------------------- Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Producer: Jake https://www.instagram.com/jakerohret/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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	Welcome to the show today, guys.
	I want to let you know that I have some tour dates.
	If you want to see me in live, in the live space, visual, real time, they call it IRL.
	Jacksonville, Florida, February 2nd.
	I'll be there.
	St. Petersburg, Florida, February 3rd.
	Orlando, Florida, February 5th.
	Lafayette, Indiana, February 24th.
	Rockford, Illinois, February 25th.
	Chicago, Illinois, February 26th.
	Tulsa, Oklahoma.
	Oh, that's sold out now, May 6th.
	We may add one there.
	And then Los Angeles, California at the Wiltern, May 7th.
	That is all Return of the Rat tour.
	You can grab those tickets or on tier now, theovon.com slash tour.
	Today's guests are two men who are from another country and they left their country.
	I'm not sure why exactly, but that's what they did.
	And we're very happy to have them here today.
	They are one of the greatest-selling artists of all time, of modern time, of all BC, or ACAD, Mr. Robbie Williams, and comedian Mark Hayes.
	Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song I'll be singing just so And I'll be moving
	Yeah, what's the most fancy thing ever that you bought for yourself?
	What's the most fancy thing that I ever bought for myself?
	What a really big house.
	Yeah, bought a really, really big house.
	Like, because I had a place that I would say was quite humble for me.
	Yeah, looking back.
	Yeah.
	And that was like a mansion.
	It was like a mansion in Beverly Hills in a gated community.
	But then I just was like, I want to put my foot down on this and out on it.
	Bought a place in Beverly Hills that's 20 acres.
	That you have right now?
	Yeah.
	Oh, 28. 20 acres.
	20 acres, 30,000 square foot.
	No way.
	Yeah.
	Wait, that's 20 acres.
	Jesus.
	Dude you could I've got 27 toilets.
	That's unreal, isn't it?
	Yeah.
	But let me tell you the thinking.
	Okay, sorry.
	So the thinking is this.
	Let me push this back.
	So you make some money.
	Yeah.
	And then you want to keep that money.
	Right.
	And then you want to do things that you understand.
	And I don't understand much.
	So, you know, you've got all these stocks and shares and investments that you can make.
	I don't understand them.
	What do I understand?
	I understand bricks and mortar.
	So if I have some bricks and mortar and the stock market and everything goes to hell in a handbasket, it still exists.
	The bricks and mortar will be there.
	So I took the money out of the investments and invested it into bricks and mortar and bought this place, 20 acres, 30,000 square foot, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
	And you're just like, ah, I did a grown-up thing.
	I did a grown-up thing.
	And I'm really proud of myself.
	And then you go, right, okay.
	What you don't take into consideration is 20 acres needs tending in Beverly Hills.
	Oh, yeah.
	So you need two gardeners.
	And then hold on, though.
	So then you've got your insurance for the house.
	So the insurance on the house because of the fires is 700 grand.
	Wait, so the insurance because of fires is 700 grand a year.
	Yeah.
	What?
	Seriously?
	Yeah.
	And then you have your house tax thing each year, which is 400,000.
	So basically what you don't take into consideration when you buy bricks and mortar, especially in California, is that, okay, so you need two gardeners, three housekeepers, a house manager.
	Wow.
	I have security.
	Two nannies.
	For you.
	Yeah.
	Just for me.
	So basically what I'm saying is you can't win anyway because, you know, the tax of actually the life tax, the head tax of having a property that big, you just can't enjoy it.
	You come downstairs.
	I've got to laugh off the mic a little.
	Sorry, it's good.
	You come downstairs and you see 11 cars parked in your car park outside and they all work at yours.
	Wow.
	So, you know, I'm basically wandering around a super yacht on land.
	So it's sort of like drain, it's like a super yacht drain, but on land.
	Why?
	Because you constantly just see the money going by, you mean?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	You just see, I walk down and.
	Everything looks like an expense, kind of?
	Well, I walk into the kitchen today and there is one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight people and none of them are my family.
	Do you know what I mean?
	And they're all doing a job for me.
	And so it's just like, you know, like an old taxi where you're just sort of like watching the cash go up and up and up.
	Even earlier when I walked in, how many people were like cooking food?
	There was eight people in the kitchen.
	Yeah, so there is.
	Not including us and the four kids.
	Yeah.
	That's why it's like it feels homely here.
	There's so many people and like the food was cooking.
	Oh, that's nice.
	So my big expense is on people that work for me.
	Right.
	I'm not a big, I'm not a big sort of needless.
	For example, if I want a like bling watch, I'm like, love hip-hop, I want a bling watch too.
	I then get in touch with the company and see what I can do for the company to get the watch for free.
	Oh, I see.
	So you like to save money in some senses?
	I don't know what that is.
	That's what we – That's the level of money I'm willing to spend on a studio is one where you have to hear something in the distance every bit.
	Anxiety.
	So what's going on?
	I don't know, man.
	I think I just get overwhelmed.
	I don't like being like a boss.
	I don't like having...
	I don't get to be as creative, you know?
	So when I'm listening to you say that you have help and people are helping you, I'm like, that really perks my ears up.
	But then you just have another level of problems.
	Before you got anxiety about being the boss, you were anxious about something else.
	Yeah.
	So you're just swapping problems.
	Yeah.
	But mine sounds like a better problem than yours.
	There's a fountain out front of it.
	But my problem does feel better than yours.
	Yeah.
	I win.
	Who's got better problems?
	That would be almost a great game show.
	It's just like somebody's like, I've got Down syndrome.
	And somebody else is like, I've got anxiety.
	And people vote in the crowd.
	I'd be like, I've diarrhoea.
	Yeah, yeah.
	I got a paper cut.
	I chafed a nipple.
	Well, here, do you know when you were growing?
	Yeah, I wore a sharp shirt.
	There was no anxiety when you were growing up, was there?
	Yeah, was there or not?
	No, you didn't know it was anxiety.
	Basically, you were just on high alert all of the time because I'm from not a lot of money.
	I mean, I'm from a rough area.
	Like Billy Elliott.
	Exactly like Billy Elliott.
	Yeah, like Billy Elliott.
	I love that movie.
	So there's no anxiety, but like I thought that when I was growing up, I had like a psychic ability to know that there was going to be trouble.
	I thought that it was like I've got this inbuilt radar that detects trouble.
	But actually what it is, is you're around sociopaths and psychopaths.
	So you're actually scared all of the time.
	That's what you're calling it.
	Yeah, all of the time.
	Just living in fear all of the time.
	And like my wife, who's from Beverly Hills.
	Yeah.
	She's had an en suite all of her life.
	I'm from a place where we had a bath on Sunday and I was a third in the bath after Monday.
	You're a third in the water, huh?
	Third in the water.
	Yeah, you're freaking collecting coins at that point, brother.
	My grandma, right?
	My grandma didn't have an indoor toilet until 1983.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Just out in the alley.
	Out in the yard.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	Someone's hot.
	She could have an OnlyFans now, though.
	That's what's crazy.
	Yeah.
	Is it now that...
	But that's...
	Somebody would pay for it.
	I'm sure Colin or Jake, one of these guys would freaking chip in on it.
	I've seen some pretty dark stuff, I'm sure.
	Yeah, so what will we do?
	So a lot of fear.
	So you always felt fear?
	Because one of my first feelings that I ever remember in the whole world is being afraid.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	My first memory is lucid dreaming that I could fly.
	Oh, damn.
	And then I woke up and nearly threw myself down the stairs.
	Yeah, but because I was born in a pub.
	Yeah, yeah.
	So like we lived in a pub for my first four years.
	So I know that my first memory, I must have been three or under, and it was lucid dreaming.
	Who are you?
	Who am I?
	Yeah, because I've just been doing a load of talking.
	We're just sitting here with Robbie Williams and Mark Hayes.
	I mean, we'll do an intro in the beginning, too.
	And you guys are mates, and you guys are from another country.
	Oh, yeah.
	Ireland, England.
	Two separate countries.
	Two separate countries, yeah.
	Yeah, to us, I think it does run together, you know.
	I feel like America's getting so weird.
	People are starting to go back.
	I've been seeing Mayflowers and stuff, ads on the internet for the new Mayflower, and it's heading back across to England.
	I think people are...
	A bit cooked, yeah.
	I think people are willing to take on an iceberg just to maybe change the scope of things.
	Here's the thing, though.
	I think America is so good.
	No matter how mental it gets, we'll still come.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Because you're just like, you just see Baywatch or you see like MTV.
	You're like, oh yeah, I want that.
	Yeah, you see one warm tit on a show.
	Yeah, and you're just like, oh, this is better than a cold tit.
	I've lived in LA for 21 years.
	And I don't know if you have this with LA or you have this at all.
	But like every five years, I'll try and leave LA.
	Something will happen where I'll just get pissed off.
	And there'll be like a bunch of things or a bunch of people where I'm just like, you've really let me down in only a way that people in Los Angeles can let me down.
	Oh, yeah, that's true.
	And then I go, no, no, no, I am leaving.
	And then I get on the plane and I take all the dogs and the children and my clothes and a land in England and I god, I need to go back.
	This is shit.
	Have you had that happen?
	All the time.
	Every time you're here.
	I've done it four times.
	Really?
	Yeah, like I bought a house in the countryside in England.
	I bought this.
	It's a castle, isn't it?
	Yeah.
	Bought this place in the countryside in England.
	And like, this is our forever home, wife.
	And we are living here now.
	And we'll leave those people, dastardly people in Los Angeles.
	And the children will grow here and we'll provide memories.
	And I better not tell her that I hate it and I want to move back.
	Second night.
	Really?
	Second night of buying the house.
	I was like, I don't like it.
	Really?
	Was it the English anxiety coming in?
	Because I get that in Ireland.
	If I went home and like sat in my couch, I'm like, oh, this is where I was trying to get away from.
	Yeah.
	do you think it's because something feels like simpler there?
	Does it feel like not like what are some of the feelings that would make you think that it's too quiet?
	Is it too simple?
	Is it too old-fashioned?
	Like, are there things that make you think like I think in Ireland it feels a bit restricted, whereas in LA, like anything could happen?
	There's opportunity.
	You're walking, yeah, and like sometimes it obviously does.
	Yeah.
	Most of the time, obviously, it doesn't.
	But in Los Angeles, you just think, I am going, I'm walking around the corner, and Adam Sandler is going to go, we should do a biopic about your life where I play you.
	And I'm like, yeah, Adam Sandler, that should happen.
	It's delusional that everyone of all levels thinks.
	Yeah, isn't it?
	There's a guy who's Spider-Man screaming at people.
	He's like.
	I think it used to be more like that was a possibility, though.
	You know, I think it used to, I don't, or that used to be certainly a dream.
	Do you think that's still, I think maybe in our age, that was a dream.
	Like, you're like, yeah, I can walk down the street and like Eric Estrada's going to walk up or freaking, you know, I'm trying to think of somebody else.
	Lou Farino.
	Yeah, Lou Farigno, dude.
	I finally stood behind at a post office one time.
	And his wife, I think he's deaf.
	I didn't even know that, which makes the whole Incredible Hulk way more messed up, I think, dude.
	Painting the deaf guys green.
	In 21 years of living here, the only thing that has actually happened like that, where somebody walks up to you and offers you something, was I was at Galleria 16 in the Valley, and I was offered the chance to be The Bachelor.
	Really?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Do you know who you are?
	I don't know.
	I didn't have that look.
	Yeah, maybe.
	Maybe it was a while ago.
	But the only thing that's ever happened was sort of like you could be the bachelor.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I think a lot that kind of took over where it was like reality shows people could get like would you be the bachelor?
	No.
	No, why?
	I just would have, I think I'd have, uh, that's a good question.
	Why I couldn't be the bachelor, man.
	I think I would just be kind of scared.
	I would just be, I don't know, I'd be flirting with the chicks, but then like I'd be trying to purv out at night probably and like sneak around or something.
	I don't know.
	I'd probably get busted, masturbate.
	You know, something bad, something that would make me seem a little bit strange, I think.
	Your true self comes out?
	Yeah, I think my true self can't help but come out.
	Okay, let's pitch that show.
	Okay.
	But let's pitch it where it's called something else now, but it's the same as The Bachelor book, The Pervs.
	Okay.
	What streaming service is it on, or what TV channel is it on?
	What's it called?
	The Perv?
	The Perv.
	Maybe called.
	Who's Tom Thumb?
	Isn't it a famous character?
	Tom Thumb?
	Yeah, he's in the fairy tale or something?
	maybe like a peeping Tom, something for peeping Tom's, but where they're like doing well.
	Maybe, maybe you wouldn't be, Maybe you'd be the presenter of that.
	Oh, yeah.
	And then you wouldn't have to be the perv.
	Yeah.
	I could be like the Perv Wrangler.
	The Perv Wrangler.
	Yeah, I'd be the Perv.
	I'd make a good process.
	Hey, listen, straight after this, Ted Sarandos, hop in the car, we'll go pitch it.
	Here we come, Mr. Sarandos.
	Back to the England thing.
	Yeah.
	Take some explaining.
	So you get over there.
	This is what happens for me.
	Okay.
	So at one point in my life, I was ridiculously famous in a country that you haven't been to.
	Right.
	But ridiculously Michael Jackson style famous.
	Right.
	And how old was he?
	How old was I?
	Yeah.
	I became famous when I was 17. Oh, man.
	Yeah.
	I joined a boy band when I was 16. The boy band took off.
	Right.
	And then when I was 21, I left.
	And then I had a solo career and sold 80 million albums.
	Jeepers.
	Hold the record for the most tickets sold in a day for a tour and blah, blah, blah, blah, and all of that business.
	So this meets with, I'm sober, right?
	I'm a sober guy.
	Right.
	But this meets with depression and anxiety and mental illness and extreme fame and extreme success.
	Yeah.
	And I came to America to promote an album.
	And I'm over here promoting this album and I'm in like Milwaukee and I'm doing a radio station to eight people at seven o'clock in the morning.
	And like I already have like millions in the bank and a huge following.
	And like I'm in Milwaukee and I'm depressed and I'm anxious and there's a guy going, G Robbie, that was a great performance.
	I hope we can play your record.
	It's seven o'clock in the fucking morning.
	What's this?
	Hope I can play your record shit.
	And so I'm going around America doing all of this stuff and I'm like going, hang on.
	So all of this fame's making me anxious and depressed.
	And if I go to America, I'm famous in Papua New Guinea if I'm famous in America.
	So this realization's happening as I'm traveling through America trying to break America.
	And then I remember doing like a rock the vote performance in New York.
	Like, and I've never voted in my life.
	And I'm trying to tell the kids to vote.
	And I'm like, this is, this is not authentic.
	And then I'm like, hang on.
	What am I doing here?
	Why am I trying to break this?
	Why don't I go and live there, live in an anonymity, and then have a nice life?
	So the pair, the grown-up driving the car made a decision to not promote in America, not do anything.
	So 21 years ago, I moved here and turned everything down.
	I was offered in the States.
	Like the Bachelor?
	Like The Bachelor.
	So basically, this is what happens is that I live in anonymity here and I really, really enjoy that.
	Wow.
	Then I try to move back to my home country and remember that I have no anonymity there.
	And that makes me feel anxious and depressed.
	And then I move back to Los Angeles.
	So that's basically what happens.
	You know, keeping things fresh is tantamount.
	It's paramount.
	It's important.
	It's one of the premier things.
	And I have trouble keeping things fresh.
	You know, I'm not a real, I'm not that fresh, man.
	I'm not that fresh.
	If you look in the CRISPR drawer in my house, you're not going to, there's nothing in there.
	You know, I don't really have that much that's fresh in my world.
	But who does is Peloton.
	One Peloton.
	That's right.
	They've got the bike, the bike plus, but they're freshening things up for the new year.
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	It's easy to stick to your goals when you freshen them up, when you spray a little bit of that.
	Imagine it's taking your goal, one of your goals, and opening its dang mouth and just spraying mint, breath mint in there.
	Damn.
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	This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp.
	You know, man, I've had a lot of unmanageability in my brain.
	And then it's in my life.
	You know, what starts upstairs in my head ends downstairs in my life.
	And so I've got to manage that.
	I've been spending time recently to take more advantage of getting well.
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	That's insane, man.
	What a crazy, that Los Angeles would be a place that you would come for comfort, I feel like.
	You know?
	Yeah.
	But it's interesting.
	A lot of rappers, they say that they don't like to live in their hometown because people will kill them, you know?
	Like a lot of like, like Lil Boosie was in here and he said he doesn't like to live in Louisiana because people will kill him there because they get jealous and stuff like that.
	Is there a lot of that kind of stuff in England?
	I've never ever said this, but yeah, I had a contract out of me to kill me.
	No way.
	Jesus.
	Never said it publicly ever.
	Did you put it out for someone?
	Was it PR?
	Yeah.
	Is it still out?
	No.
	Does it go away?
	Went away.
	Jesus.
	What happened?
	I have friends.
	Damn.
	Yeah, I have friends.
	But like, you know, that stuff sort of is the unseen stuff that happens when you become famous.
	Because you were insanely, yeah, being insanely famous, I can't even fathom, you know.
	Like, I've been over to like, like, I've spent time around Justin Bieber.
	That kind of stuff is insane, you know, to see some of these UFC guys.
	It gets pretty insane.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	But I can't because it did you feel like you needed to escape then or did you feel like you were just going the way.
	Or did you feel like you wanted to go somewhere else, if that makes any sense?
	Well, there's that.
	There's like a few levels of fame and what it does to you.
	And the first one is, fuck.
	And there's a couple more I can't remember.
	But the fourth one is like acceptance.
	You know, you sort of rally against this, your privacy being taken away from you.
	And you rally against it by trying to be normal.
	And trying to be normal, but also I'm going to be small so you don't beat me up.
	I'm a dickhead.
	Don't hurt me.
	And I'm going to go to all the normal places.
	I can't go because people want to kill me.
	But it takes a while to get to acceptance.
	You can't do it.
	Yeah.
	Did you go to the shop in England?
	Yeah, I could with my COVID mask on.
	Oh, yeah, but you couldn't just like walk down the street and pop in.
	No.
	Really?
	It would have caused like, oh, fuck.
	Well, you know, it's like I have anxiety and I don't like meeting strangers.
	But like strangers want to meet me.
	Yeah.
	And I feel really uncomfortable about it.
	And it's like thinking about it now actually gives me anxiety.
	So it's like it's a trigger.
	It's like, and also you've got to be the mayor of the best town that anybody's ever visited.
	Or else people go, he's one of those famous people that are a dick.
	Oh yeah, you've got to be the nicest guy ever.
	The nicest and actually I hate having my picture taken.
	I fucking hate it.
	I hate it with my wife.
	Oh yeah.
	Like she does Instagram and I'm just like the fuck off this no.
	Like the act of having a picture taken makes me go for whatever reason that is probably because so much users and the Chinese believe this and I don't really even believe in the Chinese a lot of times but I believe that it takes your soul.
	Yeah.
	It's not the Chinese.
	I thought it was like.
	The Indians.
	I thought it was the Indians.
	I think that's a made-up.
	Well, the Chinese borrowed it because I remember I was in China one time trying to take a picture of somebody and they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no.
	They come up and try to cover the camera.
	Yeah, they don't want because they said it captures a little bit of you.
	So I think it could make sense that after someone has been so like, and I don't want to use the term exploited, but you, you know, so much of your image and your voice and everything is used for artwork or ambiance or transaction or whatever, that something's got to leave out of your spirit, it seems like.
	It seemed like it would, do you feel that at all?
	Did you ever?
	Well, that it takes a bit of your soul.
	Maybe subconsciously, that's what it is that makes me feel anxious about it.
	But what happens in the process is this, is that I'm a chronic people pleaser too.
	It's like I want you to think that I'm the nicest person that you've ever met because if you don't and you go away having a bad time having met me, I'll feel really awful.
	But also at the same time, but also at the same time, it's like, I don't want you to have any time with me at all.
	So what I do is I become agoraphobic, but like happily agoraphobic.
	And what is agoraphobic?
	Not like crops or something, huh?
	Agoraphobic is like where you're scared of.
	talking about?
	No, it's where you're at Agoraphobic is like where you're scared of going outside.
	But I'm not scared of going outside.
	I just don't want to.
	Yeah.
	So, but it's either, but I do it also here in Los Angeles where I'm not known is that I'm not bothered to go outside.
	I've been outside.
	One thing, if it gets interesting, I think, and if you want to have a bad time, first of all, go see one of Mark's shows.
	That'll definitely put you fucking down the dumps.
	Yeah, you'll need to call a janitor to help you.
	But it's interesting that one of the things that happens is you have with people, you have the same interaction over and over again, that it gets to be not mundane because each person is, you know, they're a new soul and you're, you know, there's, but it becomes, there does become a repetition to it.
	And sometimes I think as somebody that's creative, repetition isn't something that makes you feel comfortable, maybe, or that you're like attracted to, kind of.
	So I think sometimes that can be a little bit strange.
	Does that make any sense?
	Well, there is a repetition, but there's also being an introvert, doing an extrovert's job.
	Yeah.
	My job is to be an extrovert, but actually why I was taking all of those drugs is to make me feel okay because I'm an introvert.
	Yeah.
	I want to be the life and soul of the party.
	And I also want to have things in common with everybody.
	And, you know, but I haven't because actually what I want to do is just stay in my bedroom all day.
	Yeah.
	It's crazy that being on stairs is the only time probably you get to do both.
	Yeah.
	Have you got kids?
	I don't have no kids, man.
	Have you managed that?
	I don't know.
	I just think I can't.
	I'm not that good at sex.
	I'm not like a pre, like if somebody were picking people for basketball, but it was for sex, they'd be like, you know, I'd be the guy at the end that's like, hey, what about me?
	You know?
	But I think I just haven't really, I don't know.
	I think I'm.
	How old are you?
	I'm 41. I'm 40. I'm 40. You look that up?
	I'm 40 or 41. I'm 40 or 41?
	So what do you think is going to, I mean, I need to have a family.
	So I'm trying to get some help right now for like, I got a lot of commitment issues.
	41. There you go.
	Bam.
	So.
	Do you go to therapy?
	Yeah, so I'll go to therapy at 5 p.m.
	tomorrow.
	And I'm thinking about going away next month, doing like a couple of week or a month men's retreat somewhere to work on like intimacy issues.
	I just have a lot of like commitment.
	I just really have a tough time committing.
	Just fucking do it.
	Yeah, I like your attitude.
	No, but I'm on the other side.
	Don't do it.
	Yeah, this guy is the worst.
	Yeah, but he's so unconscious.
	Yeah.
	Oh, he is unconscious.
	He's completely and utterly unconscious.
	It's like you've stripped away all of your stuff.
	You're sober, right?
	Yeah.
	Okay, so you're a sober guy.
	You don't get the joy of being unconscious.
	You see your problems and you go, oh, I've got to deal with that.
	He's dealing with nothing.
	No, no, he's not.
	It's great.
	Yeah, he's in the HOV lane.
	He has nobody in the car with him.
	And he's not even in a car.
	He's moving backwards.
	Yeah, he's moving backwards.
	He's moving backwards and he's walking backwards.
	I enjoy it.
	He does.
	That's the thing.
	I was just thinking it's better to be unconscious.
	Oh, he's like a hot dumb girl trapped in a daft man over here.
	Feeling away, man.
	And I say that lovingly, bud.
	I say that lovingly, too.
	I say that with like pangs of jealousy.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah, to be just happy and just...
	I call him sometimes just to get happiness out of him.
	Sometimes he told me a funny thing.
	He goes, the more I get to know you, the sadder it is.
	But like, you're in that predicament where it's like, it's bad.
	But it's not bad enough.
	Not bad enough for him.
	I don't know if it ever will be.
	Yeah, that's it.
	It just stays above the zone.
	Yeah, because mine is sort of like, you know, break out in Hancock, lock me up.
	Really?
	Oh, yeah.
	Lose wife, lose kids, lose job, lose everything.
	Oh, yeah, but I wouldn't have that.
	You need to get famous so bad things can happen to you.
	Oh, it would be bad for him.
	It really would.
	Like, he hasn't got a fucking clue.
	He would be busted immediately for something.
	Yeah.
	So you just need a bit of fame.
	Yeah, you actually...
	You're good.
	He's right in the zone.
	Oh, you're in a perfect spot, Mark.
	You're always having fun.
	He loves chasing the ladies, and the ladies love him somehow, you know?
	Yeah, they really do.
	It's charm, I think.
	Good looks.
	Mostly good looks.
	It's charm.
	Charm, charm.
	It's charm.
	It's like Pete Davidson thing, isn't it?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, dude.
	Yeah.
	It's probably good hair.
	He looks like Pete Moss Davidson, you know?
	From Culture Club.
	Bring up Pete Moss.
	Can you bring it up?
	P-E-O-T-M-O-S-S.
	There you are.
	Yeah, he's like Pete Moss Davidson.
	It's just an actual.
	Yeah, there you go.
	Look at that preserved forest moss.
	That's him right there.
	That's my hair.
	Get a good look at him?
	Yep.
	Yep.
	That's him.
	Is that the reference that you were going for?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, just kind of a damaged fern.
	I take all these as compliments.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, sometimes I think, did you have like a lot of problems with like commitment and stuff like that?
	Was it hard for you to get a wife?
	I mean, I'm sure it was easy because – Wow.
	And I could have missed it.
	And it was a slide indoors moment.
	And you may have missed the perfect person for you.
	It's too late.
	No, you stay away.
	Okay, so here's the thing, right?
	I'm anxious.
	I'm depressed.
	I can't keep my penis in my pants.
	I can't look after myself.
	How the hell am I going to turn up and be a decent human being for another person?
	Right, exactly.
	I'm listening now.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	So that's what I was thinking.
	It's like, I can't do this.
	I can't be the person that I want to be or the person that you need me to be.
	So I'm not going to bother.
	Right.
	As it happens, 17 years later, four kids later, I am that guy.
	And I was that guy.
	And I was given the, I gave myself the opportunity to be that guy.
	My beautiful wife gave me the opportunity to be that guy and believed in me.
	But did you just say one day I'm that guy?
	Did you go to like therapy?
	Did you do other things you did that helped you get there?
	It's like giving up drinking or giving up drugs.
	It genuinely is one day at a time.
	17 years worth of days later with my wife, I'm in a monogamous relationship with somebody that I really like who's really cool, really great to look at, really smart and really creative.
	And you can be that guy.
	Yeah.
	Me too.
	You can't.
	You can't.
	You're so far away from being that guy.
	It does sound like a big leap of faith.
	Oh, it's the biggest because not only that, she gets half if I'm not that guy.
	That's what I was going to say, because then you just, I like to project in the future and be like, oh, yeah, but if it doesn't work, fuck it.
	Don't leap.
	But you're more, if your wife, that's got to be crazy to go to bed at night and know if your wife kills you, she's coming up roses.
	I don't even think about that bit.
	But at the start, it was just like, there is.
	When you said, you're going to be my girlfriend, were you serious about it when you said it to her?
	No, I didn't say that.
	I broke up with her three times.
	Nice.
	You're going to come back.
	Yeah, and like the three times that I broke up with her, she didn't even know.
	She went back to a house and then a flatbed truck turned up with a car on it and bin bags full of clothes turned up.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah, I was such a pussy.
	I didn't even tell her that we broke up.
	You didn't even tell her savage me.
	Yeah, but it's a very Irish English move.
	Yeah.
	Like, guess what I got you for Christmas, an apartment?
	Like, there you go.
	Yeah, but that's insane.
	Yeah.
	That's like, I know guys in Ireland who be like, yeah, I got a dumper.
	And next, they'll come back and be like, we're engaged.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	They're like too weak.
	Oh, it's most, I think it's most men, or it's hard to just communicate with a woman.
	It's like looking in the face of like a puppy.
	I'm going to break somebody's heart.
	And I didn't have the balls to do it.
	But I was like breaking hearts left, right, and center because, you know, I am a man of means with a level of fame.
	Right.
	So, you know, and not but ugly.
	So I'm like a good package to people.
	Right.
	And those, so like, it'd be just like a girl would come in and go, right.
	She walks into Pantsdown Palace and then goes, I actually pause.
	I'm going to put a pause on this because I want to wife him.
	Oh, yeah.
	Oh, you remember you told me that.
	So there wasn't a lot of sex happening because girls would just go, this is a good deal.
	I'm going to play my cards here.
	Yes.
	Did you, in Britain, what time do y'all lose y'all's virginities at, like in the UK?
	Is it like 10 or 11 or is it 17?
	Like a lot of guys.
	I say it's 15 to 17. Wow.
	And indoors or outdoors, people doing it more.
	Usually a field.
	Oh, wow.
	Well, I was a latch door.
	What do you call them in America?
	Latchkey?
	Latchkey kid.
	So you had the, so if you was home, nobody else, it was just you.
	Yeah, so I took the girl back to mine.
	Oh.
	And then it was like, I was, I was like, I can't do that.
	I'm scared.
	I can't do this.
	Of course.
	And then as she was leaving, I saw all of my friends' faces pointing and laughing at me.
	So like Lino and Giuseppe and Emmo and Pete and Tate all going, ah.
	And I was like, no, I must do this.
	Oh, laughing.
	I thought you were laughing because no, laughing because I wasn't going to do it.
	So I go upstairs and I go into my room and it's a single bed and we can't fit on it.
	Oh, yeah.
	Only room.
	No way, really?
	My mom's.
	That's all right.
	You're a bad man.
	That's all right.
	What about you, Marky?
	How'd you get rid of it, huh?
	I remember I was grounded, so there was a time crunch.
	And this girl was like, oh, my friend wants to meet you.
	Oh, this is bad.
	I was wearing white jeans.
	It was at Christmas.
	Oh, yeah.
	And I met her like behind a wall.
	Like, we were in muck and stuff.
	It was raining.
	And she just kept giving me green lights to keep going.
	At one point, I was on my knees in muck.
	Oh, I have a clue what I was doing, not a clue.
	I was just like, instead of raining and stuff, and just it happened.
	But I didn't realize that there was an ending.
	That's beautiful.
	I just thought you were just doing it, and I was like, okay.
	Hold on, so there was no ending for you?
	No.
	Wow.
	Damn.
	Because I didn't even know.
	Yeah, but like, mine was over in seconds.
	Mine always, I've ended.
	I end sex early.
	I am not.
	Yeah, people do in sex, they start breaking a sweat.
	I'm like, how would you ever break a sweat, dude?
	I can start a TV dinner and I am done with sex with enough time to fucking be right by everybody.
	I'd have to have sex with people I didn't fancy just to have long sex.
	Oh, wow.
	Oh, damn.
	Now we're talking issues.
	That was an Irish thing, too.
	You'd fantasize, you'd have sex with your pet, but you wouldn't fantasize about the hottest girl.
	It's the girl that you would have sex with if no one found out.
	Oh.
	So how old were you?
	I was, I think, maybe, I want to say maybe 15 or something, behind a bowling alley in our town.
	And you could hear the pins going down inside, you know, give me power.
	I felt like it did anyway, you know, just hearing there, you know, like people in there just, you know, and people started throwing rocks at us as well, just like in the Gaza Strip or like in the Middle East.
	And I was just doing what I could, man.
	So they started throwing rocks at you because they knew that you were having sex or friends that were throwing the rocks?
	Yeah, they were excited or they were trying to, you know, cause mayhem or something, you know, or just be a part of it.
	I think they were jealous.
	It's like, I can't be there with this rock will and they would throw a rock over me.
	Okay, so here's a question.
	Can you remember the third person that you had sex with?
	I can't remember the second one.
	No, because I remember the second, but I don't know her name.
	Oh, I have heard.
	Second, okay, second person you had sex with.
	I have no idea.
	That's weird, isn't it?
	Yeah, that is weird, isn't it?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	And then third is just like, what?
	It could be anyone.
	I haven't reached the third person yet.
	They could walk up right now and I'd have no idea.
	Yes, very pleased to meet.
	Oh, we've met before.
	Oh, yeah.
	Have you ever spoken to your first since?
	No.
	But I put her name in a song of mine and perhaps I shouldn't have done that because she'll be a mom.
	Oh, yeah.
	You're like you talked to your son.
	I think it depends on the woman.
	Some women don't mind if you kind of idolize moments like that or not idolize, but like put them into memoriams or whatever.
	Like Deborah.
	I lost my virginity to Deborah.
	She was in the vicinity of Deborah.
	Was it Deborah that was no, no, it wasn't Deb, man.
	Deb was willing, though.
	I know that.
	Deb is always willing.
	Is Deborah a name in your country?
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	I did have sex.
	One of the first few was Deborah.
	That's unbelievable, man.
	This guy's shocking.
	This guy's like a halfway house for your time.
	Okay, good.
	Question.
	Have you been close to having a committed relationship with somebody?
	No.
	Never.
	I've been in some, but I've just always been like cheating or running around.
	I just think there's some, I have some, like, complete agitation towards like anything.
	I don't want to say owning me, but I think things like that feel like they own me, like a relationship, or anything saying this is mine.
	So now you're a sober person.
	Would you do the same thing?
	Would you cheat on somebody being the Theo that you are now at 41 years old?
	I think that's why for the past, like, I haven't gotten in a relationship in a long time, you know, and now it's been about four years.
	But because I got to do some work in some of that space, you know, I'm trying to work in SLAA right now.
	And you just, even just like little things, like go two weeks without interacting with texting anything with women, you know, just little things like that to try and like just get on your own two feet, you know, just so I'm not using interactions with women as an outlet for like uncomfort.
	That's what I do.
	I get a little uncomfortable and then it's like, oh, maybe set up a date sometime.
	So I want to have things be more meaningful.
	And I'm going through my steps again right now.
	I've had some slips over the pandemic, but in general.
	Have you come close to being with somebody that you just think is she's amazing?
	There was a girl I was seeing that was really great.
	And I think now when I think about her, it makes me feel kind of sad because I didn't really meet her halfway, you know?
	And because then I feel bad because I kind of monopolized their time, you know?
	That's what I feel the worst about, I think.
	You monopolize their time how?
	By like knowing I wasn't really ready to have a strong commitment, but letting them believe that I was, you know.
	And how long ago was that?
	It was probably the last relationship I was in.
	It's honestly been all of them, really, but I think it hurts more the older we get because it's like, you know, people's time is more precious to them.
	And also, you know, you think that you're going to have this all sorted in the near future.
	Yeah.
	And then you walk through the horizon and you're 41. Yeah.
	And it's not sorted.
	And it's still the problem that it was when you were 24. Yeah.
	It's a little better.
	When I look at Mark, it's almost like you know, like in the movie where the Christmas movie where they go look in the window and they see the past?
	Yeah.
	So that's where I was, kind of.
	So progress.
	So there's been some progress, but it's just got a little bit of stagnation, but you're right.
	It's like, yeah, I thought things would be different where I'm at, and I'm not.
	So you basically have to give the booze up when it comes to sex.
	You basically have to do the same thing that you did with booze and drugs, but also with sex and the flirting and the, and I don't know how you deal with social media because I met my wife before Instagram.
	I met my wife before Facebook.
	I met my wife before TikTok and all of those things.
	But like, if I'd have been around then, that would have been an extra thing that I have to un-addict myself from.
	Yeah.
	That's the thing.
	There's so much temptation.
	Yeah, it's unreal.
	You think, oh, I really like this girl.
	And then just the most unbelievable girl will be like, hey, what are you up to?
	Yeah, I'll be driving home trying to get home.
	And Mark will send me some images.
	Some girl, what about, you know, Donna's going to be there?
	And I'm like, you know, I just.
	I live vicariously through Mark.
	I do too.
	Sort of like this one.
	I'm like, whoa.
	And he's like, this one.
	Yeah.
	It's mental.
	It's mental.
	He's mental.
	I live vicariously through him.
	And the cops even show up vicariously sometimes, like even just in my visions.
	But it is tough.
	You were saying something there.
	You're like, oh, you think it's going to be different soon?
	That's funny because I always think that too.
	What?
	Yeah.
	We're walking through the horizon.
	Yeah, yeah.
	You will find yourself in the place that you are.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Be like, oh, give it six months, and then I'll be ready for it.
	And then it's two years later, you're like, well, we're still having fun.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Still having fun.
	And now, especially in LA, the fun is all the, there's always the possibility.
	Like, you can.
	You're going to have to be the bachelor.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	You're going to have to be the bachelor.
	And so even if you don't, you turn them down, you walk down the street thinking, oh, I'm a bachelor.
	Somebody wants me to be a bachelor.
	You go home, you leave your family, and you're the bachelor.
	But it's true.
	It's just always that temptation out here.
	There's this weird thing.
	And you can just, you can be at the cleaners here and see like a beauty.
	You know, it's like, it's, it's never ending.
	It's what they called the, you've got to catch them all.
	You've got to get them all.
	What they call them.
	Oh, Pokemon.
	Pokemon.
	Got to get them all.
	Yeah, that's it.
	And it's like, I'll think I like a girl sometimes.
	And I'll be like, oh, I should text her.
	And I swear to God, I'll just be like, shit, what's her name?
	And I'll just be like, let's begin with C, D. And then in my head, I'm like, come on, I really like this girl.
	Oh, dude.
	And then someone else will text me and I'll be like, okay, it's you.
	Yeah, that is a prison to find yourself in.
	Yeah.
	Is it a prison or an open field?
	Well, it's an open prison.
	It's an open prison that you can leave at any time.
	But it's, you know, if you know that you are going to fall in love or fall in lost with absolutely everything at any given time, it kind of makes sense that you go, oh, well, that's me.
	And this is what's happening.
	I just don't do anything about it.
	Yeah, that's kind of where I find myself a little time.
	It's like, or that's where I'm wondering if that's where I'm at.
	Like, yeah, because I just don't see, you think things will be different.
	Like you're saying in a few years, I'll get there, something will be, and then you get there and you're like, oh, and I don't need, I'm not a big run around or anything even.
	I just notice that I give into like little things of affection, attention, just little things like that that I don't want to, I just don't want the same thing.
	I want to see if there's a different possibility, you know, because even if just like, you know, flirting with the girl or I'll feel uncomfortable, I'll feel like I've had a bad, I'll set up a date, you know, let me go on a date.
	That'll help, you know, like, so I just want to, but I'm not, I find myself in spaces where I'm not making myself really available, you know, if that makes sense, because I'm just my, the reasons I'm doing stuff aren't motivated always from a place of like, maybe this is what's, or from love or anything like that.
	They're just kind of motivated from a place of like, what feels kind of comfortable.
	What would be fun?
	You know, and sometimes it's just fun.
	I met my misses when I'd retired because like things got really sort of.
	Was it dicey out there for you?
	Mentally just completely ill and just like, well, it's my career that's doing this, so I might as well not do my career.
	Yeah.
	We're retired from what?
	From the famous.
	Oh, from the singing.
	No, no, no, from the singing.
	Oh, right, yeah.
	Yeah, yeah, from the singing.
	So like I was retired.
	And then I met my missus and we just had three years with her of not going out.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah, so we were just at the house and it just cemented this thing.
	And then I realized that I need purpose and I'm ambitious and I need to go out and do things.
	So I unretired and went out into the world.
	But now I'd cemented this relationship with this person and I went back out into the world and I was like, oh, I can't do the things that I used to do.
	So how do you you clue in quite quickly.
	Really?
	It's like, okay, so I'm not flirting.
	Right.
	I'm not going to the club.
	Yeah.
	I'm not going to the pub.
	And I have to own everything that I used to on.
	And I did it.
	Fucking did it.
	And if I can do it, anybody can, well, not you.
	But if I can do it, anybody can do it.
	No, I like Kieran.
	I appreciate you kind of sharing some of that, man.
	Because, yeah, I think that's just kind of where I'm finding myself, you know, and I'm not.
	And part of me, I'm kind of excited about.
	I had like five days where I didn't have any interaction with anyone and I was doing real good.
	And I started to feel like a good relationship with my higher power.
	I was like, really like, oh, man.
	I had a little bit more time.
	I was looking at my place like, oh, maybe I'd like to art or something, you know, like, or get a candle or something.
	Because like everything in my house is the previous owners.
	It's like it's all like their stuff, you know, like there's pictures of Eric Fanley in the bathroom.
	It's just like.
	But don't you also think that when I get a missus, she'll do all of that stuff.
	Yeah, but I don't want to just hurry a missus in just to get, you know, a love.
	But you're 41, you're hurrying nothing.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah, that's true.
	Women complain about that, about guys in LA.
	They'll be like, I'm not ready to settle down.
	And there's 57. See, I don't want to be that guy.
	I want to at least get in a place now where I could at least try, I think, to have a relationship with you.
	Also, I'm getting big vibes that you'd be an ace dad.
	Oh, thanks, man.
	Thank you.
	No, not you.
	No, I'm getting like big vibes that you'd be an awesome daddy.
	Oh, thanks.
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	Bing bong.
	Yeah, I could think I could be a good dad, dude.
	You know, I think some of it would be a little dicey, bro.
	You know?
	But you must have taught that.
	If there's kids that got to be a bit of a double dude, no, no, no, it would be dicey as fuck.
	What, for him to be a dad?
	For you?
	Yeah, yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah.
	Absolutely.
	Like, I'm an agoraphobic that can't look after himself.
	I'm depressed and I'm full of anxiety.
	What have I got to offer?
	Yeah.
	That's, you know, it's like I wasn't going to get married and I wasn't going to have kids just because of the nothingness that I had to offer the world where those points exist.
	And now I've got four kids and it's true I have nothing to offer.
	But your kids, you could put them in another wing of the house, man.
	You could put a kid in a room until he's six.
	You know, I still feel that way about the kids.
	You know, it's like I'm like sporadic dad.
	Yeah.
	I'm in, I'm in, I'm in.
	I'm watching the football and doing art and writing songs.
	I mean, like, you know, I am sporadic.
	Also, you know, that was another thing about kids is that if I'm agoraphobic, if I have children, it will mean that I have to leave the house.
	The kids will smoke me out of the house.
	Does it work?
	Not really, you know.
	But like, I feel that everyone doesn't think they can be a dad, and then it just happens.
	Do you think, but that's bad.
	When it happens that way, I think it's not really the best way, you know?
	Yeah.
	Like, yeah, Mark is unbelievable.
	I can't even believe I'm sitting here with him.
	Sorry, sorry.
	This guy is just one of a kind, man.
	That's really nobody likes him.
	You told me before, you're like, you were saying something, you were describing a bad guy, and then you were like, you're that guy.
	And I was like, wait, wait, wait, no, no, no, no.
	Take that back.
	And you're like, no, no, I was describing him to say you're that guy.
	And I was like, no.
	But I do think it is like, oh, I might be that guy now, but in three years.
	Do you think you could ever get to a place where you could...
	Really?
	Yeah, but I think now Rob has made me realize, oh, think away.
	Then you die.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, because you're not there.
	Yeah, you're like rungs away from that.
	This ain't even a great spot.
	You better get over here pretty quick.
	But then Mark's the guy you go to if you want to know what's going on, what's fun.
	He is always kind of keen to what's good out there.
	I'm a fun guy.
	Do they have like a lot of, I feel like in England and in the UK, that's all of you guys, right?
	That they have more superstition than they do over in America.
	Oh, yeah, I think so.
	Is that true, you think?
	Well, I think anxiety in Ireland just comes from your mom.
	She'd be like, don't touch chicken ever.
	You'll get Salmonella.
	You'll die.
	and every time now I'm near a chicken, I'm like, I hear my mom's voice.
	Or like prayers, catalysts, catalogues, or whatever.
	Yeah, what we are.
	Yeah, catalogues.
	We're like laps catalogues.
	We're catalogues.
	It's insane, though, because you'd be like, don't do that, don't do that.
	Don't do that, don't do that.
	You're like, what the fuck should I do?
	That's where my sweating comes in.
	Oh, you're sweating always.
	And it's weird, too, like in Ireland.
	If I told my friends I went on a date with a girl, they'd be like, that's gay.
	Oh, yeah.
	And people die in Ireland all the time from coughing and everything, huh?
	You always see that in a movie.
	People dying from like...
	Well.
	Whatever, man.
	Yeah, that's exactly.
	Slow cable, mate.
	You got some pleurisy.
	What's that movie with Tom Cruise far and away?
	He thinks it's Martin Day, Ireland.
	I just see a lot of people coughing and not doing well.
	Still dealing with the Spanish flu.
	He thinks people in Ireland are coughing at napkins with blood on it.
	Have you left America much?
	Yeah, yeah.
	We did some shows in the UK last year, two years ago.
	How did they go?
	They did well.
	We did Manchester, London, Glasgow.
	Shout out Glasgow.
	Yeah.
	And somewhere else, brother.
	Stockholm, somewhere else.
	Stockholm, Stockholm.
	Stockholm, Sweden.
	Lovely Stockholm.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	So it was fun, man.
	I really liked it.
	It was, I think, during, I don't know if it was winter or if it was like at the beginning of the pen.
	I don't know what was going on, but it was kind of a quiet time.
	But Durban.
	What was this?
	Durban is last time.
	Durban.
	Durban's like South Africa.
	That's Australia, isn't it?
	I don't know where he went.
	No, Durban.
	Yeah, this is a different time.
	So what was the superstitions, yeah?
	Oh, well, like, in Ireland, here's a dumb one.
	Touch wood, all right?
	Touch wood.
	And then I saw a guy after a soccer game one time, and he was like this.
	Yeah, that's OCD, though.
	Yeah.
	No, but he goes, boys out.
	You're like, I'm blessed.
	I'm saying, Hail Mary, full of grace, or father.
	And I was like, that's so dumb.
	And the next time with a big exam, I swear I was like this.
	Hail Mary.
	But that's OCD.
	But y'all got more ghosts.
	Y'all got more older stuff over there.
	I'm saying, because of time and everything, you guys have a lot more ghosts over there.
	Oh, yeah.
	You are closer to the woo-woo in Los Angeles than you are in England.
	It is so more paranormal and weird and UFO-y.
	We actually got a question.
	I forgot about this.
	It came in right here.
	Hey, Theo.
	My name's Gabby.
	I'm from New Zealand.
	I'm a big fan of yours.
	Actually managed to catch a show of yours like in 2017 at the comedy store really, really randomly when I was in LA for a week just on holidays.
	I was really, really stoked to catch that.
	Also a big fan of Robbie Williams as well.
	I do have a question for him.
	I saw him on the Skinwalker Ranch documentary.
	I was quite surprised to see him there and I just wondered what sort of interests he had in, you know, paranormal experiences or if he's had any alien experiences, you know, anything in that kind of realm.
	I would just be really interested to find him.
	Dark arts, maybe it's called space spirit.
	Yeah, I've had loads of people.
	You've been involved with it.
	I've had loads of experiences.
	And more of that's obviously from the UK.
	No.
	That's what I find hard to believe, Robbie, is that.
	Listen, I've got a thousand-year-old home in England, right?
	Yeah, it used to be one of Henry VIII's wives' houses, Catherine Park.
	And I feel closer to the weird here in Los Angeles than I do back home.
	Something like a transmitter.
	Lost Angels, Los Angeles.
	It's a transmitter that turns on when I'm here.
	Things haven't happened since the kids have been around.
	But do you want me to tell you my UFO stories?
	Yeah, if you got something.
	If you're keen to, do you know it?
	Probably.
	So I am.
	You need to get abducted.
	So I am sat on a sun lounger with a girl beside me.
	So it's over 17 years ago because of the wife.
	I think you're going to say over 17 years old.
	She was over 17 years old.
	We've had some issues in our industry.
	And I'm looking, we're both looking up at the sky.
	And all of a sudden, I would say the size of a quarter of a football field, your football field, square, matte black, just silently came in,
	completely sober, silently came in, and there was yellow underneath it, and it sort of had like this artexing feel with matte black underneath it.
	It came in silently and then silently left.
	And I could have hit it with a tennis ball.
	No way.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Jesus.
	And you saw it?
	Absolutely positively.
	Did you feel like then that you got to see something like that because you were famous?
	Did that ever cross your mind?
	Like, is there a reason why I get to see this?
	Is it like, is the other side trying to communicate with me?
	Well, yeah, there is because of narcissism.
	Yes, there is.
	There is that.
	Yeah, but there's so many thoughts.
	That's one of them.
	But I also thought, oh, that's ours.
	I didn't think it was aliens from a different planet.
	Oh, that's huge.
	Inside me just went, there's some exotic technology that we're not supposed to have, that we do have, but it's ours.
	I didn't feel as though it was little green men from outer space.
	And that was in the UK?
	No, it was here.
	the other one is: I wrote this song about alien abduction called Arizona.
	It's not one of my best songs, it's a B-side.
	But I'm sort of like listening to it in the studio and smoking a cigarette overlooking the San Fernando Valley.
	And you whittle, you whittle at lyrics to get them right as best as possible.
	And Arizona comes on and this gold ball appears in the sky over the San Fernando Valley.
	And I'm like, nice try, Venus.
	I know that's Venus.
	You're not going to fool me.
	I'm not going to be like one of those, woo, UFO people.
	And then I thought it was Venus during the day.
	Oh, yeah.
	Arizona, the song, ends, the gold ball blinks out.
	And I'm like, interesting.
	Put the song on again.
	So they put the song on again and the gold ball comes back.
	Songs about alien abduction.
	And I'm like, no, you've got my attention.
	Song ends and the gold ball beeps out again.
	I'm like, wow, that's a happy coincidence.
	So I said to the lads, I said, lads, come out and look at this.
	Put the song on and look over there.
	Song goes on, ball comes on.
	Song ends, ball goes out.
	Wife arrives.
	Babe, this thing's happened.
	Come see this.
	Look over there.
	Song on, boom, gold ball.
	Song ends, gold ball comes out.
	Six times it happens.
	After the sixth time, me, the wife, and my two friends go back into the bedroom where the studio is and we go, fuck, what the?
	And as we say that, a black strip comes through the door about 20 feet away.
	Black strip like this, elongates through the middle of us.
	Elongates through the middle of us, goes to the window, and then follows itself out like that.
	What?
	Yeah.
	Jesus.
	What the?
	Yeah, listen, I've got loads and loads and loads of them.
	No, that's too many already, man.
	Yeah, I've got loads of them.
	Yeah, I've got loads of them.
	Wow.
	Yeah, so this.
	Did you feel like it?
	Do you feel like that was related to any territory?
	If I was guessing, what I think that might be or might not be, is interdimensional.
	Yeah.
	Or a figment of all our imaginations.
	Everything's on the table.
	Nothing's off the table.
	Could it be duct tape between different realms or something?
	You know what I'm saying?
	You don't know some of the things that are holding together.
	It was exactly like duct tape.
	It came through the room and then went and followed itself out of the window.
	Damn.
	Yeah.
	I could see something like that in the few, 200 years from now.
	You order duct tape into the room and it shows up, you know?
	Do you know what Skinwalker Ranch is?
	Uh-uh.
	Okay.
	Google Skinwalker Ranch and check that out.
	That's what the nice lady was talking about.
	I'm on a documentary about this ranch in Utah, I think it is, where things happen.
	Really?
	Damn, it's a dark artist post.
	Let's post my own at Skinwalker Ranch.
	Who's some of my favorite British people?
	James Blake?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Is that just, just a, just.
	James Blake's a nice English person.
	Yeah, I love him.
	Who else do I think is great?
	Oh, I know who.
	Darren Till.
	Who's that?
	Darren Till, fighter.
	Oh, is he a fighter?
	Yeah.
	Big fan of his.
	I don't know that many others, actually.
	The Beatles?
	You?
	Yeah, the Beatles, but I'm not that big on them.
	You too?
	U2 is okay.
	Yeah.
	U2 is okay.
	The Rolling Stones?
	Yeah, Rolling Stones.
	Rolling Stones.
	Who else?
	Black Coffee in Bed?
	Have you heard that song?
	No.
	This feels like an alien experience.
	What else?
	I'm trying to think of things that are British, because we didn't have a lot of...
	I remember the map in our town, Canada, they didn't even say Canada on it.
	It said, like, it had a picture of a wolf attacking a boy in a coat, you know?
	And that was the whole thing for Canada, you know?
	If we had a map here, could you point to England, do you think?
	No, I know I couldn't point to England.
	I could point to the area that it's in, though.
	Could you point to Hawaii?
	Yep.
	Could you point to Montana?
	Nope.
	Say, I can point to Montana.
	Could you point to Florida?
	Yes.
	Where are you from?
	Florida is easy because I'm from Louisiana.
	Okay.
	So Florida was like our main...
	Like if you saw somebody, I remember when I was a kid, if you saw somebody, their shirts had Florida on it, you were like, damn, dude.
	Those people are traveling.
	What about Rhode Island?
	Could you?
	No.
	I could find that.
	Nobody could find that.
	I could.
	It's the clitoris of America.
	But isn't it the fine now?
	Is it the smallest state?
	Yeah.
	You're welcome.
	It could be.
	Well, it'll get taken over soon.
	I'm sure it'll get taken over soon.
	What else do we have?
	Let's get another good question that came in here for the gents, eh?
	Oh, RW.
	What's up, Theo and Robbie?
	First of all, hope you are doing well.
	Secondly, I am right now stuck in quarantine for two weeks because Australia does that to you.
	I'm at Art Willie Land.
	Yes, Theo, you've got to come to a flip off this rant back here.
	So do you, Robbie, actually.
	My mum would be stoked.
	But my question is, when do you think the world is going to be back to normal?
	And do you think it is?
	And if yes, how long do you think it's going to take?
	Love you, soul.
	Gang, gang.
	I love him.
	I love him, Brady Ray.
	Yeah.
	Oh, Willie.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, I'm a big fan.
	People love him.
	He's easy to love.
	He is.
	He's a dude.
	I mean, I've never met him, but you can just tell that he's the nicest person ever.
	He's great.
	He does, too.
	He came on here.
	He was on here once.
	So was Chris Hansen, who you mentioned earlier, was on here.
	Oh, really?
	I guess we've had an interesting group.
	Mark?
	We've done it all.
	Probably the best part of it.
	So the question is, when do we think this is going to be over?
	Are you shocked at how much, like, because we've already given two years of our life to this thing.
	It's been two.
	It's fucked up.
	it's been a long time, man.
	Imagine people, this is shit that breaks my heart when you think of people that was like, you know, trying to maybe women that was hoping to have a child and looking to meet someone, and they don't have that chance now because of, I'm not saying it's not a deadly disease, but it's not this deadly, man.
	That's my thoughts.
	I mean, I probably shouldn't have brought that into it.
	But when do you guys think it'll be over?
	That's more, that's a better.
	I think every summer we're going to think it's over, and then every winter it's going to come back.
	And every time that I've had a guess at when this is going to be over, I've been completely wrong.
	So when this started, it was like end of January, February, nearly two years ago.
	And I was like, this is going to be over by June.
	And now we are two Christmases nearly into it, and it's still going strong.
	It's terrifying.
	You know, it's terrifying for many, many reasons, but like selfishly and personally, I haven't been able to gig.
	I haven't been able to do a tour.
	Oh, yeah.
	You know, and I'm hopefully going to go on tour end of next year, but then you see how the end of this year has gone.
	Am I going to be able to do that?
	Am I going to be able to look after my four kids?
	Keep them in the lifestyle that they're accustomed to?
	Who knows?
	My spidey senses, which were so wrong last time, mine say we've got this for five years.
	Really?
	I thought another year, maybe.
	Well, as you said, I forgot about like summer seems okay.
	And then winter, you're just like, oh, it's a new strain.
	But in some parts of the country, it's not.
	You can go to different parts of America and they're not even doing it.
	They're acknowledging it.
	Yeah.
	Really?
	And they're not.
	The hospitals aren't filled.
	So it's definitely interesting how different parts it's more of a, it's more catered to, you know, it's more, or it's more, there's more preventative measures, I think.
	Well, there is, you know, there is a topic that it would do us all a great favor if we didn't discuss what we really thought.
	Yeah.
	Okay, we'll do that then.
	It almost sounds like my love life where I'm like, ah, I'll fix it soon.
	It's the summer of sex and then the winter of discontent.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Just staring at me.
	Where are you on the whole, you know, sort of because you've walked through the horizon.
	You're past 30 now.
	You've done a bit of time on the planet.
	Yeah.
	Where are you with the is it just like an oblique concept that's out here somewhere, the commitment, the settling down?
	Or is it in the forethought of your mind?
	It's in when I'm hung over.
	So it's something to feel depressed and anxious about.
	Yeah, be like, oh, that would be nice.
	It's kind of like the song.
	When you need love.
	Yeah.
	When you need tension.
	And then when the serotonin comes back, I'm like, oh, I'm having a great time.
	Okay.
	Yeah.
	Here's the thing.
	Do you need to be in a relationship?
	Do you need to have commitment?
	Do you need anything?
	I don't think so at the moment.
	But like your moment, you think you're still looking out of these eyes that still think they're 19, 20, 21. But they're not.
	I don't think so at the moment.
	It's like you're going to be having a free bus pass pretty soon.
	Do you know what I mean?
	And, you know, so I just don't think so at the moment.
	Like, I'm in a very happy, committed relationship, and my life is so much better because of it.
	I don't want to go anywhere or be with anybody other than my wife.
	That aside, do you need to be in a relationship?
	Yeah, maybe you don't need to.
	I don't think you need to, man.
	You're doing well.
	Do you need to ladies like that?
	Do you need to?
	I don't know, man.
	I always have a problem.
	I just always think something's wrong.
	You know, I have a lot of whatever that is.
	Like, oh, I'm always, like, there's always some emotional deficit going on, you know?
	The dis-ease.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, I have a constant discomfort.
	Yeah, I have a constant discomfort.
	Do you not have a constant discomfort because you booze and you sort of self-medicate?
	Yeah, yeah.
	Because I'll have to.
	Yeah, like I've got anxiety.
	Now, let me ask you this, right?
	You don't have a drink for four weeks.
	What's your mental state like in four weeks' time?
	Oh, I'm not.
	I'm just a bit bored, but I also have pain in my lower back.
	Okay.
	So you're drinking for pain, huh?
	No, no, no.
	Oh, you're an American then.
	Stress.
	You're in a UK.
	I remember I stopped like for four weeks a couple of years ago.
	Sober, October or something.
	And I was like, I couldn't lie down.
	That's your liver, Bub.
	No, the pain in my back just was like not.
	Does your back feel round and it's kind of down over here by the bottom?
	It was there.
	Is it here?
	Yeah.
	Is it there?
	Yeah.
	That's your liver.
	That's your liver, man.
	No, no, no.
	This is after four weeks.
	You think you have a soft round back?
	Yeah, because it's constantly inflamed.
	But then you don't drink, so you come with nothing to numb it.
	This is a subject.
	We're better off not doing it.
	So it's not that.
	No, it is, yeah.
	It's in the bone.
	Oh, no, no, no.
	It was like in here.
	You're going to pass a stomach one.
	That's liver.
	Oh, right.
	So, but when I was walking into a stone, that's a crack rock, dude.
	You're going to pass a stomach.
	Walk into my booth and disappear.
	Speaking of the Roland Stones, you're going to roll a couple out of your wiener one day from all of that drink specials building up in him.
	That's your liver.
	Bro, Mark would be the best thing.
	Mark would be like at the bar, you know, in some of the high tables.
	He'd put his computer on the table at like a nightclub.
	Get his computer out there just at a nightclub, get his earthings, and pretend he was a DJ dude.
	So all the drunk chicks would come up and talk to him and be like, yeah, I'll play it in a second.
	Just fucking emailing people.
	Are you writing?
	Are you being creative?
	What's your outlet apart from...
	Outside of podcasting and comedy, what are your creative outlets or your outlets at all?
	It probably has been kind of, I think socializing Has been one.
	So that's something I do want to cut back on, which includes like dating erroneously.
	How do you do with socializing?
	I do okay.
	I think fortunately with stand-up, it builds a lot of that is built into it.
	So it's like you almost count kind of sometimes stand-up as my socializing because you're at the club.
	Do you feel okay?
	So you feel like your tribe is comedians.
	So you feel comfortable within that tribe of people?
	I think so most of the time.
	Outside of that tribe of people, how are you socially?
	I like spending time within the recovery room, the recovery group, talking with people like that.
	I love that kind of stuff.
	But I need more time for myself.
	I got to do some things for myself.
	I do everything.
	It's just been work.
	So I think part of me is.
	You are checking yourself into a men's recovery place to give yourself some space.
	So you're not, are you, is that like rehab or is that like a meditation place?
	I don't know, actually.
	I'm talking to like five or six of them right now, just trying to decide, you know, investigating.
	And how long will you spend there?
	I think I'll probably just do two weeks.
	Okay.
	And what do you hope to get from it?
	I would just want to think, I want to build a relationship with my higher power.
	I want to have, I want to go over like some intimacy issue kind of stuff.
	And what else, dude?
	Did you have a relationship with a higher power when you were growing up?
	No.
	No.
	And what is your higher power?
	Just God.
	Just God.
	Yeah.
	A God of your understanding or a religious God?
	A Christian God?
	Yeah, I kind of attach it to a Christian God because that's what's most familiar for me.
	But I just believe in God.
	Have you had your atheist moment?
	I think I did when I was younger.
	I didn't think that God existed, all this kind of anger.
	But I don't think I have that anymore.
	I want there to be a God.
	I want there to be something that cares about me.
	And do you pray in the morning and at night?
	Yeah.
	And you've started to do that since you were in recovery?
	Yeah.
	Mark?
	No.
	No.
	Mark, you need a cup.
	I'll throw.
	I'll fire off a few for you, man.
	Yeah, definitely.
	But I almost, I was telling Rob earlier, there was a girl recently that I was chatting to Will a while back, and she was very much into the Bible and religion.
	And I caught myself.
	Well, like, I thought, I was like, oh, yeah, I'd love to read the Bible too.
	Oh, yeah.
	Not lying in the moment, but afterwards, I was like, what am I doing?
	You can't read.
	She's like, do you want to go to mass?
	I'm like, it's one of my favorite things to do.
	I vomited on a woman once on accident and then met her at church in the morning.
	She's like, you're not going to meet me.
	And I was like, I'll meet you.
	And I show up just eyes just so red, just horrible.
	So what was your drug of choice?
	I think just feelings, my own feelings is my biggest drug.
	Just thinking of just my brain is just my thoughts and my feelings.
	I've never really struggled that much with addiction, with like substances, you know?
	I think I relate a lot more with like SLAA type stuff and those type of things.
	How do you sleep?
	I don't sleep that great.
	Me neither.
	Me neither.
	What do you think that is?
	Do you think we're also just getting to be an age where we don't sleep well?
	You think it's kind of like a Oh, no worries.
	Don't worry, man.
	You can't drink any water after about maybe 7 p.m.
	Really?
	Because it just keeps coming out of you.
	Really?
	That's why I see old people.
	They're just traveling around pee in different places.
	They're like dogs, yeah.
	Like it's just started to happen where I, you know, like normally I would close my eyes and when I did fall off to sleep, I would stay asleep.
	But now, but now I go to sleep and then I wake up five times.
	Really that?
	Jesus.
	And that's happened in the last 12 months.
	Well, there's machines talking in the distance, too, while we're laying there.
	It's getting fucking pretty weird, you know?
	That information is traveling through the air into your phones and computers and printers and satellites and all.
	Have you been addicted to ambient at any point?
	No, never.
	I would do it.
	What's that again?
	It's sleep.
	Nighttime, baby.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah.
	Were you?
	Uh-oh, yeah.
	Were you really?
	Was it good?
	What'd you do?
	What would you do on it, huh?
	Sleep eat.
	Oh, yeah.
	So I would sleep eat.
	Get up and have a pie, eh?
	So I would sleep eat, yeah.
	There was one time we were in Ireland and I was doing a show and they bought 32 Euro.
	So like $32 worth of chocolate.
	That's the last.
	Right?
	Yeah.
	And because of Ambien, I ate 32 worth of chocolate asleep.
	What?
	Completely asleep.
	It's like a Japanese game show.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, you could do that.
	Yeah.
	That's unbelievable.
	And did that cause you to shut it down?
	You're like, I'm going to roll the dice again, see what else I can eat?
	No, by that time, I'm in on.
	I'm addicted, so I needed to go to sleep.
	I'm also on tour.
	And if I don't sleep and I'm on tour, then I'm going to just not perform the way that I performed in the last gigs.
	And oh my God, and I'm tired anyway.
	So all the way through that tour, I was sort of like living like a monk food-wise during the day, sort of my body as a temple.
	But then at night, I'd be taking these ambient and then I would be eating the mini-bar.
	No way, geez.
	Yeah, I'd be eating the mini bar.
	Do you actually, you don't remember any of it?
	You don't remember any of it?
	I don't remember any of it.
	But also, another one was sort of like my security on tour, they'd have the ambient and I'd be like, can I damn it?
	So they'd give me the ambient, right?
	And then I'd go next door and then I'd have my ambient and I'd fall asleep on the ambient and then I would get up completely naked.
	Yeah.
	Go through to security room and have a conversation with them as lucidly as this.
	But completely naked.
	And asleep.
	And asleep.
	That's beautiful.
	And then I'd wake up the next morning.
	I'd wake up the next morning and I'd go, I'd say, I didn't do it, did I?
	And then this look on their eyes would just be like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	You did.
	You did do it.
	That must be tough to get off.
	Yeah, it was, yeah.
	Yeah.
	Jeez.
	because like you said, if you need sleep that much and then you can't sleep, you're like, just give me the fucking pillow.
	That's the worst, especially if you're on tour.
	Like, if you get stressed out, like, I gotta, if I don't get my sleep, I'm not, um, dude, dude.
	I've been in positions where I play Wembley Stadium.
	Wow, I'm awake at 12 o'clock the next morning, and I've got to play Wembley Stadium again in eight hours' time.
	And I haven't been asleep, and there's no drugs.
	I'm completely and utterly sober.
	It's just my mind is going because you're in front of 80,000 people and you've just shared this mass experience with them where you just like, you create your own drug inside of you.
	So you're creating dopamine, adrenaline, serotonin, but like this crazy moment because there's 80,000 people looking at you and then you go back to the room and you're sort of like, oh, but then you've got to go do it again.
	And that's why touring crushes me.
	It's like, do you enjoy touring?
	No, I don't at all.
	Do you enjoy the gigs that feel spiritual and otherworldly?
	Oh my God, I couldn't even tell you what they're like.
	They're unfucking believable.
	You know that moment where you're in the pocket.
	You're in the pocket and you can't miss and everything that you do and you just free float.
	Yes.
	That is absolutely otherworldly and incredible.
	How often does that happen on tour?
	Not very often.
	Why?
	Because I've had three hours sleep in the last week.
	Oh, God.
	And you've then got to do the thing.
	You know, your performance.
	You've then got to go and do the thing again, which is why I got addicted to ambient.
	Thing that I did last few weeks.
	Have you tried magnesium to sleep?
	Yeah, I have been taking magnesium and it helps if I remember to take it.
	Yes.
	So how many milligrams are you taking in that magnesium?
	Two pills, two white pills of it?
	200 milligrams.
	I don't know.
	I feel it.
	I think I feel it.
	Yeah.
	So did you take it last night?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	So I think the magnesium has been giving me anxiety though.
	Fuck.
	Oh, really?
	Fuck.
	So I've been taking magnesium a lot over the last couple of weeks.
	I've noticed that I'm grumpy with the missus.
	Oh, really?
	Oh, yeah.
	Are you sleeping?
	Are you sleeping?
	Yeah, I'm sleeping.
	Well, there you go.
	And you can't have it all.
	Yeah, but so I'd notice the anxiety too.
	So I've knocked the magnesium on the head last couple of days and the anxiety is gone.
	I don't know.
	Oh, really?
	It's a dirty battle.
	It's a fucking dirty experiment always going on inside of us, it feels like.
	What time did you wake up?
	I went to sleep probably about 11.30.
	Woke up at 3 in a fit of anger for about 40 minutes and then went back to sleep.
	Fit of anger in the middle of the night.
	Yeah, I'll do it.
	I'll figure it out.
	Yeah, yeah.
	I've never heard anyone.
	So you wake up in a fit of anger about not being able to sleep or wake up, no, my brain starts thinking about something, then I'll start doing something online, and then I'm angry.
	Because I don't have a lot of time during the day sometimes, so it's like, oh, fuck, I got a little bit of time.
	And then I'm too angry, then I need to go back to sleep.
	So I'll probably get into a nap today.
	So what is your...
	You ever had that?
	Yeah.
	When your face just kind of orgasms.
	Okay, but like daytime sleep.
	Daytime sleep, when you wake up from it, do you need sugar?
	Oh, yeah, I do.
	I haven't noticed that.
	Daytime sleep, if I wake up, I need chocolate or I need...
	Yeah.
	It's unreal.
	But you're freaking eating chocolate in your damn sleep, bro.
	You're that nicer body crane out there.
	I've knocked it on the head.
	I've knocked chocolate on the head, cake on the head.
	Really?
	You can't do one way of cake, man.
	I'll get married just to have some damn cake, boy.
	I love cake.
	Which is your favorite cake?
	I kind of like, let me think, I like a coconut cake.
	What about red velvet?
	Because I didn't know red velvet existed until I came to America and I was just like, uh-oh.
	And have you had this cake celebration cake?
	Uh-oh.
	And it's like got rainbow colours in it and like Skittles in the middle or whatever.
	What, really?
	It's a real thing?
	Oh, yeah.
	I've been at it.
	Yeah, I don't know if...
	That's another thing that nobody touches on is you not eating.
	So you're like an anorexic alcoholic.
	Yeah, but are you sick?
	You're sick, yeah.
	Lay down here, we'll take your temperature.
	I eat like healthy, but like, I won't eat it.
	If you put fries here, I'd be like, I'm grand.
	Like, women would get upset if I went to dinner once in a blue moon.
	They're like, just try this.
	I'd be like, I'm okay.
	I'm okay.
	Now I just say, I've gluten.
	And they're like, oh, I'm sorry.
	Dude, in 20 years, we're just going to be having smoothies.
	Nobody's going to eat cake anymore.
	I had the kids gave me a bug, and I lost seven pounds in a week.
	Oh, that's awesome.
	Yeah, it was amazing.
	But I've used it as the great reset dietary-wise.
	Oh, you actually, I thought you were going to eat more cake.
	No, no, no, no, no, because I wasn't caking it and I wasn't chocolating it.
	How did you cake them?
	Well, but what I was doing, which was lying to myself, with keto bars.
	Have you seen these keto bars?
	Keto bars and protein balls.
	So you've seen these like bounce balls and da-da-da and all of these sort of things.
	Basically, they should just be like calorie balls and calorie bars.
	So I was like, I was not having the chocolate or the cake, but I was nailing these things.
	So now what I've done with this great reset is I've got rid of those.
	And every time I want one of those, I go for a banana or I go for an apple.
	And it's nowhere near as far at all.
	But you can't be old and fat.
	You can be old, but you can't be fat.
	So I'm just trying my best not to be fat.
	Have you ever been fat?
	I was maybe fat when I was a little bit, when I was young, like in the spring.
	But not as an adult.
	Have you been fat?
	I would do it.
	Yeah, when I was young.
	I remember my nana called me fat.
	I was on TV singing, like in a choir.
	And I had a close-up, I think, and I came home.
	I thought I was like in a boy band.
	And then my Nana was like, I saw you on TV.
	You look very fat in the face.
	Wow.
	Yeah, and that messed me up.
	You want to hear a weirder story?
	After she passed away, I couldn't take photos because I'd always be like this.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And after she passed away, the first photo I took, I was just like, oh, Nana's dead.
	But that's so mean because I loved her.
	But I was like, Well, I can smile again.
	She died during the pandemic, eh?
	Yeah, I actually thought she died like a year before.
	Remember, you told me that.
	Yeah.
	She was in like hospice.
	And then I was like asking my parents every day, how's Nana?
	Is she alive?
	And they're like, Yeah, she's hanging on.
	And I asked like four or five days in a row, and I was like, This is getting morbid.
	Like, I don't want to keep bringing it up.
	I want to be like, so anyway, it's sunny here.
	So I said, Was your nan your example of love when you were growing up?
	Was she just like a wonderful person?
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, she was, but she'd feed me cake and stuff.
	But she'd call me fat.
	Treat you warmly, though.
	Yeah.
	But she said fat in a loving way.
	Oh, you're fat, mother.
	It didn't feel like it, definitely.
	No, no, and it never would.
	Oh, you're fat.
	I didn't know I did it.
	My brother saw me fix him up.
	Oh, hang on.
	So your grandma passed away just recently.
	So, and it's only just recently that you've allowed yourself to smile with a fuller face.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, in photos.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Just like, just like out and about now in Los Angeles, you're like, she's dead.
	Like, if someone takes a photo, I won't go.
	Yeah.
	You know, when you make that dumb.
	If they're like, hey, make the Nana's alive face.
	Yeah.
	No, I do that a lot.
	I go like.
	And there's another thing that, okay, so side view.
	So this here, this here.
	Okay, so if you put your tongue on your...
	Oh, it makes your chin pop out some, eh?
	Take a photo after the three of us are just like.
	Yeah, but you haven't.
	Why have you, why'd you do that?
	Because you've got a chin.
	Oh, yeah, I just like having a little bit of hair on there.
	It reminds me of like...
	Insecurity.
	And you're keeping the mullet.
	I think it's warm.
	You rock the mullet.
	But you've had it forever, right?
	I've had it.
	When I was a child, I had it, and then I didn't have it when I moved out here for a while.
	And then I just like my hair long.
	It doesn't feel, for me, it's not like a gimmicky type of thing.
	Some people get like a gimmicky type of haircut that, you know, for some purpose.
	I just feel most comfortable in it.
	Oh, and oh, man.
	Did you ever go through it?
	Did you go through it?
	No, I'm losing my hair.
	Oh, you're doing fine.
	No, I'm doing all right.
	But then if it shines on the top of it, it becomes like baby's bomb.
	I went to go and have a thatch.
	I went to go and have the...
	Oh, did you do it?
	Yeah.
	I went to have it done and the guy was like, bad news.
	Because they harvest it from here, right?
	Yeah.
	So bad news, your hair is so thin, we can't harvest it from there.
	It will do nothing.
	So I was like, fuck, I'm going to have a second opinion.
	Second opinion was, your hair is that thin, we can't harvest it from there.
	It will do damage.
	Thank God you came see us because other people would have harvested it and fucked it up.
	So what I did was I had these injections and I won't tell you how much they were, but they were absolutely like a fortune.
	Two vials of this stuff where they numb your head and then they do this, they put these vials in.
	And in five months' time, your hair will grow back much thicker.
	And it costs the same price as my grandma's house, right?
	Yeah.
	Nothing.
	Nothing's happened.
	We're now seven months in and nothing's happened.
	You can't tell because, but like when I'm on stage and there's a 40-foot screen of me at the back and I'm giving it the bigger and I'm doing the sexy like that and they're going, yeah.
	And then I look behind me and there's a guy with like double chin and no hair.
	It's like, oh, thank you for humoring me.
	Do you think it's hard to, that's one thing that's interesting about like the way we capture ourselves now and especially like at your level of fame and popularity that you've had, Robbie, that is it hard to live up to try and always live up to that?
	Like live up to like, you know, because you're captured at such a young, vibrant time in your life that you gotta like, fuck, you know?
	Well, I was, I was, my nickname in the press was Blobby Robbie through the 90s, which really damaged me.
	Kind of thicker?
	Yeah, like I have a tendency to blow.
	Like scone, huh?
	Yeah, and then go down again.
	Like damp scone.
	But it sort of damaged me.
	And it's something, you know, it's like I don't want to look in the mirror.
	I don't want to look at myself.
	If I'm doing a photo shoot and they'll say, do you want to come and check this out, see how you look?
	I'm like, no, thanks.
	If I'm shooting a video, they're like, that was a great take.
	Do you want to come and look?
	No, thanks.
	So I just don't like looking at myself, which is another one of those things when people are going, can I have my picture taken with you?
	It's basically going, hey, you know, all those things that you hate about yourself.
	Now is the time to hate yourself about them.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Like your rock DJ video where you're stripping naked.
	It's like ripped and stuff.
	If I had like a really good video like that and then saw a bad picture, the self-hatred would be...
	Yeah, because being like obese and being body dysmorphic.
	Like the first time that I was told I was body dysmorphic, a therapist.
	And what does it mean body dysmorphic?
	You can't read that good or you can not read, but you can.
	Sorry, not read.
	Oh.
	Yeah.
	So it was like a compliment, though, when the therapist told me, it's like, you're body dysmorphic.
	I was like, thank you.
	Thank you.
	But like when you're body dysmorphic and obese.
	Oh, that's awful.
	Because not only are you fat, but when you look at yourself, you're fatter than Jesus.
	Yes.
	God.
	But then you know that.
	The guy visions.
	You know that one where you're just like, oh my look awful.
	And then 18 months later, you look at that photo and you go, I was in good shape.
	Oh, that's so annoying.
	That's buddy dysmorphia.
	Oh, dude.
	When I look at younger pictures of myself, I'm like, God, you were a handsome guy.
	If I only thought then that I was handsome, it would have been such a different fuck.
	Instead of every day thinking I was horrible looking.
	You're a striking looking guy.
	You're a good-looking guy.
	I'm happily married.
	Saw you in the...
	Saw you in the car park and decide, yeah, I think I was a good-looking lad.
	I think, like, you waste your 20s thinking you're ugly.
	Yeah.
	You spend the whole time, like, being like, fuck.
	I'll see a photo and I'll be like, I remember being so uncomfortable that night thinking I look like shit.
	I look bad.
	And now I see it.
	I'm like, oh, fuck.
	I was dapper.
	Well, that's pretty.
	Why do we do it?
	Okay, here's the thing, right?
	I'm in an L, everything.
	Lodge, everything.
	I know I'm an M. I know I'm an M. I haven't been in an M for a long, long time.
	Like, I haven't been an M for 15 years, 17 years, since I met the wife and became happy.
	Really?
	Yeah, I haven't been an M anything.
	And this is what happens with me and weight is like I get overweight and then I do something extreme to get underweight.
	And then I get to underweight, but I'm really unhappy because I'm not satiated and my body's going, feed me, feed me, feed me, feed me, feed me.
	And I'm like, I look wicked and close for that two seconds, two seconds that that happens.
	The minute you stop being abusive to yourself by, you know, not giving yourself nutrients and food, you instant, so I'm like yo-yoing all the time.
	I can feel yo-yo in.
	Yeah.
	And you're not even yo-yoing, but you're watching the yo-yo go.
	So it's like you're like judging yourself at every different, every fluctuation of it.
	Like general people.
	It's hard being alive.
	It's fucking tricky.
	Life is fun.
	as we all get depressed.
	That sounded forced, but...
	I feel you.
	What who has that joke?
	It's so good.
	Oh, Norm McDonald used to tell a joke.
	People were always like, man, I can't believe it.
	So-and-so killed themselves.
	And he's like, you can't?
	Haven't you ever been alive?
	By the way, when Norm passed away, I just spent every waking hour listening to old interviews, listening to stand-up sets.
	Just like, there's a channel on YouTube.
	It's like not normal whatever.
	But he's just the best.
	Yeah, he's great.
	Absolutely.
	Unique.
	His British sense of humor kind of, you think that it cater to me.
	Yeah, sort of outsider.
	Is it British?
	Yeah, because it's so dry.
	Yeah, dry.
	Yeah, maybe that's the aspect of it.
	Jimmy Dore, I really like.
	Listen, and he just had a.
	Oh, no, who else am I thinking of?
	Who's a British comedian?
	Just had a special come out on Netflix.
	Jimmy Carr.
	Jimmy Carr.
	Jimmy Carr, yeah, yeah.
	And Jimmy Dore I like, but Jimmy Carr is a really nice guy.
	You guys look a little bit alike.
	Jimmy.
	Yeah, he's a mate of mine.
	We do look a bit alike.
	A little bit, yeah.
	I think we got the same plastic server.
	Give me the Jimmy.
	Give me the Robbie.
	The full Jimmy.
	Yeah, let's get one more question, then we'll get you guys out of here, man.
	I appreciate your time today.
	What else we got here, Carl?
	What's up, boys?
	I have a question for Robbie, if you don't mind.
	Robbie, some of your biggest gigs arguably have been in Australia, down under?
	Yeah.
	I've seen one in Melbourne.
	It was massive.
	Unbelievable.
	We went with my mum and dad.
	Absolutely massive.
	What do you love about Australia, Robbie?
	Theo, I know you've been to Australia as well.
	Anything you love as well, mate?
	Gang, gang, boys from Melbourne, Australia.
	Gang.
	So it is a bit of anxiety, right?
	So I was watching, I'm a fan of yours and watch podcasts and always dip into your world to see what you're up to.
	And there was a Nick Swanson.
	Nick's, that's his name.
	Oh, yeah.
	The podcast that you did with him.
	And then there was the questions at the end.
	And I was like, no one likes me.
	Who's going to ask me?
	Oh, you thought.
	Let's go to a question.
	There's none there.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Let's go to a question.
	There's just going to be somebody abusing me.
	Yeah.
	What an asshole.
	Why have you got him on?
	I didn't even know where he was going with that question either.
	Yeah.
	We had a bunch.
	Do you know what?
	I absolutely...
	Here's my answer.
	My answer is, if you could be born a different nationality, you have to choose one.
	Mine would be Australian.
	I would choose to be an Australian because I just absolutely love Aussies.
	I absolutely adore Australia.
	It's like if I'd have come from Australia, I'd probably have a different relationship with it.
	Like in Australia, in England, I'm not allowed to be me.
	I'm not allowed, you know, tall poppy syndrome, kill their own, let's, you know, build them up and then kill them and then keep killing them until they're dead 70 times.
	But in Australia, they just allow me to be me and my sense of humour.
	And they don't misquote me.
	And it's like Australia is like England, but without the shit.
	And I just adore being there because I just feel as I can exhale.
	You know, it's like I feel as I can let the stomach just go.
	And oh, God, I can be myself.
	So my answer to the question that I posed, if you could be born again and had to choose a different nationality, who would it be?
	Australia.
	Wow.
	Australia.
	I go maybe.
	I love Australia too, man.
	I love, what I love about it is just like the energy over there.
	People are excited.
	People are willing to risk their lives every day for nothing, you know?
	Yeah.
	They'll die for nothing, dog.
	You know what I'm saying?
	It's like, yeah, it's just a bunch of human Red Bull cans, you know?
	They're just willing to do whatever.
	Nothing's off limits there.
	They just, and they're just real like loving and fucking outgoing.
	They'll fucking love you so much, they'll fucking kill you.
	They're just really, really fired up, man.
	They'll jump off of something and die, you know?
	Just to give you a note.
	So they're just, yeah, I love Australia, man.
	I would probably go, I would go Australian.
	I'd even maybe go dark Australian, maybe like a little mix, maybe white abo or something.
	grilled Australian, you know, just to have a little bit of that darker ambiance, but also still be Australian, you know, a little bit more bush, uh, but still whack, you know, still a whack.
	I'd go French, oh yeah, just to be a complete cunt to lean into me, oh, yeah, and I could speak like, no, what do you mean?
	My kids speak French.
	Oh, my God.
	My kids are fluent French.
	Really?
	Fluent.
	How did it happen?
	My wife's a francophile, which means she thinks she's French.
	She's from Coldwater Canyon, but like she thinks she's French.
	So my wife speaks French, Italian, and Turkish.
	And my kids now have conversations in full French.
	Really?
	Oh, my God.
	About me.
	That's espionage, though.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, it's super annoying.
	If my kids were sitting around speaking in French, looking up at me and laughing, and you're like, what are you saying about me?
	Nothing, Daddy.
	You also just did an impersonation of every character from Waterboy, too.
	Yeah.
	So I think, I mean, that's insane, though, man.
	have French speakers in your own home and you don't know what's going on, dude.
	That's...
	And I took him out on his scooter, and there was a lady, we call them lollipop ladies.
	What are they called here?
	The people that pedestrians?
	Not probably.
	No, no, no.
	The ladies that helped, or the men that helped kids get across the pedestrians.
	Oh, traffic guards.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Traffic guards.
	And she's like, she looks at me, she goes, and I'm like, ah, I'm really sorry.
	Anglaise, pardon.
	And then Charlie, my six-year-old, goes, the lady says that there is a race in town and there's going to be lots of people coming through on bikes and it's going to be really dangerous.
	You better go across the road now.
	Really?
	I was just like.
	Charlie's taking care of you.
	Yeah.
	You're getting lit around by the six-year-old.
	Charlie.
	That's a cool name for a kid.
	I like that.
	Charlton.
	Oh, Charlton?
	Ooh, that's a risk.
	Why?
	But Charlton just sounds like, because I think it's a candy also in America, the Charltons.
	Oh, it used to be a dance, actually, the Charlton, didn't it?
	That's the Charleston.
	Oh, Charleston, yeah.
	Close, though.
	So definitely, you could see him doing some dancing.
	I've got a Charlton, a Bo, a Coco, and a Teddy.
	Oh, man.
	Teddy's Theodore, eh?
	Yeah, Theodore.
	Theodore, yeah, yeah.
	Good name.
	Where does Voe come from?
	Don't know, it just sounds good.
	Do you know what I'm saying?
	Do you ever watch The Dukes of Hazard?
	Oh, yeah.
	Did you watch it?
	Bo Duke.
	Oh, yeah.
	How's that spelt?
	B-O.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	But that's how I wanted Bo to be special.
	Oh, yeah.
	Because of the Dukes of Hazard.
	No, it isn't.
	It's B-E-A-U.
	You lost that battle?
	Yeah, I did.
	Yeah, but like I remember.
	In your head, you're like, B-O.
	Yeah, it's still B-O.
	One of my good mates from growing up is named Bo, actually.
	Yeah, Bo is a popular name in Louisiana.
	It's a real popular name.
	It's a rednecky name, right?
	Let me think.
	It can be, but it also is kind of like an affluent name.
	So I think it depends on how you spell it.
	B-O is probably a little bit more rural.
	And then B-E-A-U is a little bit more like French.
	French, yeah.
	Beauregard.
	I'd have wanted Beau to be called Beauregard.
	That's a good name.
	No, it's fucking not.
	Beauregard?
	No, it's not.
	Beauregard!
	Beauregard, there's no fucking name.
	From Stoke.
	From Stoke.
	Yeah, but still, dude, you need to be from East Sussex.
	Is that a place?
	East Sussex.
	It sounds like one.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	What about...
	Anxiety.
	How's your anxiety been during the...
	Yeah, yes.
	So how's your anxiety been through this podcast?
	Mine's been good until you asked me a question.
	You've just been the audience.
	Yeah, popping in.
	You've done a great job of being that.
	Mark's very supportive.
	I will say it's one really...
	One of them is that he's very supportive.
	He's a good comedian.
	He just can't understand what he's saying.
	You know what I'm saying?
	So it's almost trickery because he can be like, I'm great at this.
	And then you just don't know what he's talking about.
	My new thing is to explain the joke to the audience.
	I'm like, all right, this is why some of you didn't laugh.
	Let me announce it.
	Do you worry about that being in America and trying to being successful in the career that you're choosing to be, but in a place where they can't understand you?
	Yeah, I'm just trying to figure out how to navigate it.
	Do you clip your words so that people like instead of like, if I say the path, I have to be like, oh, it's on the sidewalk.
	Yeah, but it's not, you know, like bonnet, boot.
	It's not all of that.
	It's your accent.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah, definitely.
	I'll be like, but if I call it out, if I say like, I went to the bar, and then people are like, he went to the bear?
	And I'll be like, oh, I went to the bar.
	People know you're at the bar.
	Yeah, but like, no doubt about that.
	Yeah, but like if you're road testing material and you're like, that didn't work, it's like, do you know if it didn't work?
	Because they just didn't work.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	That's what I have to figure it out.
	I'm like, oh, if I even say like the star, like she had stars in her feeling on her ceiling.
	She had stars on her feeling.
	That's a rash mark.
	But I was like, why do they not get?
	And I figured out then they think I'm saying she had stairs on her feeling.
	On her ceiling.
	Right, right, right.
	So I'd be like, oh, no, stars, like, twinkle, twinkle.
	I just have to explain it a bit more.
	I have to treat the audience like they're dumb.
	Yeah.
	Do you know what that means?
	We're getting dumb here, dude.
	America, we're getting dumb fast, man.
	There was one more interesting thing I was going to ask you, but I think I almost forgot what it was.
	No, I don't get too much anxiety around you.
	You're very welcoming, I think.
	You have a very welcoming and inviting personality.
	You ask a lot of questions.
	And so I think it, yeah, I don't feel a ton of anxiety around you.
	Do you, when you do podcasts, do you revise the night before or do you just rock up and hit it?
	Sometimes I revise.
	You know, when I talk with Mark about you coming in, like, you know, I know about your career, but I didn't know like what your energy was like, really.
	But Mark, you know, you just said you're basically just a pretty normal guy to be around and that it's engaging conversation.
	And so I didn't think too far past that.
	We got some questions from folks.
	And then, yeah, I just like to kind of see what's going on with the day.
	But if we had an author come in, then we like, we had an author come in the other day.
	And so with him, we, you know, went through and read like half the book as much as I could.
	Do you think Joe Rogan sort of just rocks up these days?
	Or do you think that he puts in a bit of a mix?
	I think Joe Rogan, and this is something I learned about him recently, was that he always was very, people would say he talked too much, he said.
	He said, people when I was younger would say, man, you talk too much, you know?
	And then look what he did with it.
	He like is extremely curious.
	So he has, I think, a very curious nature.
	So curiosity, I think, if you have it inside of you, it makes your brain, it like gives your face questions all the time to ask someone.
	So if your curiosity is really working, I think my curiosity works better when I'm feeling good, when I'm not like in a space of self very much where my brain isn't kind of worrying about things in my own world.
	So I think the healthier I am mentally and stuff, the more curiosity I have and the better I do.
	But what do I think Joe does?
	I think at this point, he probably has enough comfort with how to do certain things.
	He knows the mechanism.
	Yeah.
	Do you, when you're doing podcasts, do you find that you are insanely concentrating?
	Do you find, like, for example, when I'm doing a podcast, whether I did one interview where I was asking the questions, but the rest of the time I'm on podcasts, I am just hyper-focused.
	Wow.
	Are you hyper-focused in these moments?
	Or I was watching you do the Nick thing, the Nick Swanson thing, and it was just like it was just chatting the shit between two people, and it felt very natural, and it felt very comfortable.
	Yeah.
	If this is on and I'm here, I am just like, like I've taken seven Adderall.
	I haven't taken Seven Adderall.
	Let me think.
	I guess I do feel more focused than usual.
	It's kind of a respite from the rest of my day, so I'm grateful that I have to think about other people and just be involved with others.
	So that's nice.
	But do I feel hyper-focused?
	I think it depends.
	I know that people like when people are just having a conversation, when it doesn't feel sometimes like there's a ton of planning, I find.
	And what does the rest of your day look like?
	The rest of my day looks like I'll probably patch up with these guys and make sure everything's good.
	Look at some social media clips and stuff like that.
	I got a check-in with a sponsor.
	So I had a little bit of a falling out with a sponsor.
	So I need to check in with him and decide what I'm going to do.
	Are you on meds?
	No.
	I've been off for like about two months, but it's also scary because I feel like I had, because I got on them like 15 years ago, I think because I just had, I felt like I wasn't having a lot of feelings.
	So I'm like, it's one of the reasons I'm not having feelings because I'm on these meds.
	Like, part of me, I was thinking, sometimes like, it's hard for me to, like, I feel like if I want to, like, fall in love with somebody.
	So I was like, maybe I'm not.
	Maybe I'm not.
	Maybe I'm not feeling love because I don't.
	And how do you feel about that being two months off them now?
	I feel like I have a lot of, like, I've been kind of like a little bit more tearful, honestly, dude, a little bit more emotional.
	Yeah, yeah.
	So that's been a little bit, kind of almost a little bit alarming.
	But then part of me is like, maybe there's these feelings that have been needing to get out for so long and they haven't.
	So I just don't know.
	For me, and I am not.
	Yeah.
	Obviously, we're not doctors.
	And I'm not saying, I'm not suggesting.
	We've never had a doctor in here.
	Mark's a doctor.
	I'm not suggesting anybody do what I'm doing at all.
	It's not what I'm saying.
	Just how this is working for me.
	I'm on motherfucking meds and that's the way it's going to stay.
	Wow.
	That's it.
	I am totally in.
	I don't need to go and evaluate, see if there's some feelings that need coming out.
	I spent, I would say, 1990 to 2006 in abject misery of some form or another because of my poor mental health.
	And I don't want to waste another second in there.
	That makes sense.
	You know, and that's, that's, for me, you know, it's like I'm in the relationship with my misses.
	I've got the kids.
	For me, it makes total sense just to be like, okay, this is my life.
	This is what I need for it to happen.
	This is what I'm doing.
	Wow.
	I think about that too.
	I think about getting back on, actually.
	Yesterday was the first time I thought.
	What were you on?
	Just on Sertraline or something, generic Prozac, I think.
	Fluoxetine.
	What milligram?
	Pretty low dose.
	Like 10. Yeah, maybe 15. Okay, it's nothingness.
	And have you not had the zaps coming off them?
	How did you wean off them?
	I weaned pretty decently, like cutting down pills, getting the smallest pills, and then cutting them in half and stuff like that.
	No, I haven't had anything like that.
	I've just been more emotional, I notice.
	Like I start talking to somebody and then I'm bawling up and they're like, sir, this is a Carls Jr.
	And we're closed.
	Sorry, mate.
	But that happens with me.
	It's like I all of a sudden, we'll just.
	Yeah.
	And my wife will be like, boozy.
	And I'll be like, I don't.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	But what I've done is forgotten to take my meds for six days.
	But I don't know that I've forgotten to take my meds until – And it happens twice a year.
	Where I'll just be like, I don't.
	And my wife will be like, because she responds so much better to tears than anger.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	It's like, I am angry about your timekeeping.
	And she'll be like, and then like I get in trouble for being angry about her timekeeping.
	But if I went, I don't know what to do with your timekeeping.
	She'd be like, I try to make it happen.
	But it's the weirdest thing with the meds where I just forget to take them occasionally.
	And then I make the solemn swear that I will never forget to take them ever again because it's really bad.
	And then I just forget.
	Do you ever feel though like if you take the med, you're giving it, like there's just some like big pharmacy system you're giving into?
	I don't know if I feel that way.
	Oh, I kind of, I've never taken meds and never cried.
	So I'm the opposite of both.
	No.
	But I just wonder why would God put us together where we don't, or you know, why would the, why would we be put together where we need some other thing?
	You know, it seems like we would be okay.
	But maybe also having meds could be just a side effect of where we are as a population and species and time.
	Like we're way different than what things used to be like.
	Yeah.
	You know, the past is a different country.
	They do things differently.
	That's a great statement.
	The past is a different country.
	Yeah, it's all sorts of changed.
	That's why, you know, everybody's frigging mentally ill now is because of what society is doing to itself.
	And if I can just have like a breather, if I can have something that gives me a breather from myself, I'm good with that.
	I'm good with that.
	It's kind of like, why would you get a haircut if God didn't want you to?
	Why would you put on clouds?
	Yeah, so like, it's kinda like Those cheap shoes.
	Oh, that's a great joke.
	Maybe we'll finish there.
	Can I ask about your teeth before you go?
	Yeah.
	Are they yours?
	Yeah.
	Well done.
	Thanks, man.
	Oh, wait, actually, these two are fake.
	Hello?
	Yeah.
	Are yours yours?
	The K-9s.
	Those are yours.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, you got good teeth.
	You got good white teeth.
	Mine is getting a little beiged out.
	No, yours are.
	He's got American teeth, doesn't he?
	Such amazing teeth.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Wow.
	When I was young, I had spaced out teeth.
	And then you, did you have a retainer?
	Yeah, I got the retainers, yeah.
	Sometimes I wish I could go back, but it's all good.
	I want teeth like you.
	I'm going to go and get some teeth like in a bit, yeah.
	Gonna click around.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	You kind of, I feel like you have that kind of like Andy Dufrane like runs a train, like you were like a train conductor kind of.
	You don't want those bright white teeth that people get in like Zimbabwe or something.
	Oh, no, no, I don't want a mouthful of teeth like that.
	I want yours.
	Yeah, but you look as though you've got a mouth full of teeth.
	They don't look like yours.
	Oh, really?
	What is it, right?
	Economic background when you growing up, not great, right?
	Yeah, not great.
	Shitty.
	Yeah, shitty.
	What is it about your economic background growing up?
	Shitty.
	Teeth amazing.
	My economic background growing up?
	Shitty.
	Teeth brown and bitty.
	What happens?
	What's the psyche with America and the psyche with the UK and Ireland where we're just like, fuck teeth?
	Maybe in America, they think everyone can be a movie star.
	Do you think that's what it is?
	Well, they can't, because you possibly can.
	Yeah, like, I just don't think they can.
	Like, teeth are down the line.
	Yeah.
	Like, haircut, nails.
	Yeah, I mean, it's past liver for you.
	Well, I think generally, like, I also noticed, like, if you do, like, a lot of, I thought when I was in the United Kingdom or Britain that they had more, a lot of the women, the men were better looking than the women, I felt like.
	That makes sense.
	I thought that.
	And, you know, it could have just, I didn't see a ton of couples.
	I probably only saw about 80 couples, you know, and a lot of lonesome men, which is my audience.
	But, which I'm grateful for, guys.
	But I felt like maybe the women was more, you see a lot more tanned women as well.
	Like the fancy women in England is real tanned up.
	Fake tan.
	Yeah, it's like a popular thing, you know?
	They were all in sheets.
	That's one thing when you arrive in Los Angeles.
	just the amount of good looking women is just unbelievable.
	I know we touched on it before, I was like 23 at the time.
	I'm going to count 50, see how many fit women there are.
	Oh, yeah, they're awesome.
	I'm just like, one, two, three.
	It was like the ratio was 50 to 50. Really?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	It's fit to non-fit.
	It is on the wheel here.
	That's true.
	People are just at least fit.
	They're like a, they fit well.
	Yeah, everybody's, yeah, people could do a medium here and they're okay.
	Do you think that, oh, shit.
	I don't know what it was.
	It was good, though.
	Oh, did you ever hire one of those dating services if you got some money to help you find a decent lady?
	Because I wonder if when you're popular at your level of fame, how do you seed out, you know, like seed out?
	I didn't want to be in a relationship, so no.
	But I would have done if it had carried on longer.
	I met Ida when I was 32. I'm now 47. Yeah, yeah.
	You look great for 47, mate.
	Well, thank you very much.
	Yeah, I like that.
	Yeah.
	So I probably would have done eventually, but at that point in time, I didn't want to be in a relationship.
	So, no, I didn't.
	Imagine you won Tinder.
	Raya, innit?
	Are you on Raya?
	Yeah, it's awful.
	Is it?
	Why is it awful?
	Because you just, like, you match and you talk and then it stops.
	There always is on that side of right.
	Shaq is on there, I heard.
	Yeah, like all these famous people.
	Yeah.
	So if you're not Diplo.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	If you're not Diplo, you're not getting to look in.
	You get an initial look in, but then they'll match with someone else.
	Yeah, to look out.
	Yeah, the conversation is very...
	Too bad.
	And you, John.
	Are you on those things?
	I'm not on.
	I think about it sometimes, but I'm trying to go the other way right now.
	I got to get a little bit of space, but I just don't need to be doing anything like because I'm just feeling compulsive about it.
	That's what I'm overall working on.
	It's just compulsivity.
	Find someone you really like.
	Then don't be a cunt.
	And that's a possibility, too.
	I want to leave that door open.
	That's all you've got to do.
	The second part is hard.
	But then, you know.
	I don't know.
	I also think there's a time in your life where you get to where you're ready to do that.
	And I think it's part of me feels myself getting there a little bit.
	That's really bullshit.
	Yeah, that's what it is.
	That's what you're saying the whole time.
	Yeah, that's what I was saying the whole time.
	It's like, I wasn't ready at 32. Apparently I was because I have been since I've been 32. It's like you are ready now.
	Yeah.
	You know, you just don't know it.
	You know, if she comes in and she makes you laugh and you trust her and you like looking at her, marry it.
	Marry it.
	Marry it.
	And then, like I say, I'll swear again, don't be a cunt.
	And then you win.
	Yeah.
	When you were saying that, I got a bit anxious.
	Yeah.
	The marriage?
	No, the whole like, it's that easy.
	Those three things.
	Oh, yeah.
	I got anxious.
	I was like, oh, but what if there's another girl who's also...
	But that's going to happen always for the rest of your life.
	Yes.
	But then I'll be like, you wait here.
	I'll be right back.
	That happens with me when I'm watching the television.
	Like, oh, she's...
	And then I go, oh, yeah, this happens all of the time because it's like that thing inside me.
	And then, you know, it's like, I have an amazing wife who's fit and great to look at.
	Makes me laugh.
	And I trust her.
	And like, what am I, you know, what am I, what would I be swapping for?
	Yeah.
	What would be better about any of these other people?
	But here, I'll swap for the possibility.
	So that's something that.
	So you got to look at, yeah, what is, like, what, yeah, what would you swap for?
	And sometimes you never make a list of the values in the one thing that you have.
	And so there's always, like, that's what I noticed too.
	If I don't ever really kind of make a list of what, like, oh, well, with this, I have like, always have a friend.
	You got like a teammate, a freaking, somebody to watch, do things with.
	Like, if you never really list that out, then you'll just always think there's this invisible idea of something over here that's better.
	That's what I noticed.
	I have this invisible idea that I've never even looked at.
	Like, well, what is this idea?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	You know, it's just a fucking, and then you get over there and it's just some fucking lady smoking outside of a building.
	Like, who is this?
	Like an oblique, Morpheus, just blob of an idea over there.
	It's like the sort of grayish with tinges of black and then you're sort of like, I don't know what it is, but it's better.
	Yes.
	That's what it is.
	Yeah.
	It's always going to be out there, man.
	Thank you for your time today, guys.
	Yep.
	Robbie, Mark, it was a pleasure, man.
	Thank you.
	Thank you for having us.
	I'm just falling on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
	I must be cornerstone.
	Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it in my bones.
	But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking break and let myself on wine shine that light on me.
	I'll sit and tell you my stories.
	Shine on me.
	And I will find a song.
	I will sing it just for you.
	I'll see you next time.
	Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
	The answer may shock you.
	Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
	Sometimes I won't.
	And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
	You have three new voice messages.
	A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
	I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
	So great.
	Hi, Sweet.
	Here's a deal.
	Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
	John Main.
	Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
	I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
	Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

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