Theo talks about clowns and magicians, finally getting a tour bus, what his most recent touring was like and takes calls. Happy Thanksgiving!
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If there's something that's interfering with your happiness, that's okay.
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All right, check, check.
Check, check.
Happy Thanksgiving week.
It's that holidays, you know, I got to shed the skin of the year and just start slithering into some what I hope is comfort.
You know, it can be real stressful.
But I want to put my slippers on now.
You know, the holidays can be real stressful.
You just feel like a voodoo doll for commercialism.
You know, here's a deal.
Here's this.
Here's something.
You know, don't you need a shiffer robe?
You know, it's just something, you know?
Full send, get it.
There's just something.
Here's a deal.
You'll see somebody put a damn 10% off pamphlet right into a hole where somebody's dead, what they call it.
Grave hole.
You'll see somebody giving them 15% off.
Like, damn.
If you're giving 15% off to a dead guy, he's 100% off.
God already gave him 100% off.
I'm grateful to be here with you today.
I'm grateful to have a smile on my face.
I'm grateful to have a face that can smile.
All right, we're going to start off the episode with a call right here that came in through a cellular call.
Hey, Theo, what's going on?
I've called you once before.
My name's Will.
I just wanted to apologize, you know, right off the bat because I did it.
I wore a leather jacket to a Mexican restaurant last week.
I took my mom.
Dude, look, Will, I don't care if you took Little Red Riding Hood, okay?
I don't care if you got Goldilocks to wake up and brought that broad out the bear trap, son.
You don't wear a leather jacket to a Mexican restaurant.
Think about doing it.
You don't.
Okay?
You don't do it.
If God himself came back, they might find him at a cantina, but they won't find him in a leather coat.
Have some respect for yourself.
Have some respect for your mother.
Imagine people seeing her walking in there and the man bringing her in there as some young man in a leather jacket bringing her in there like she's some kind of damn little Latino lollipop.
Come on, man.
Let's get into it, baby.
Life is a salad, and the Lord is my vinaigrette, son.
You know that.
You gotta take it where you can get it and get it while you can.
I hope you're getting some thanks in your life today.
I hope you're getting, you know, I hope you're filling your cup up.
You know, sometimes I do a lot of pouring.
I always think my cup is a pitcher.
And I forget that I also have to fill up my own cup.
You know, I got to make sure to keep my own cup filled with things that make me joyous.
You know, maybe, you know, petting a damn little animal.
You know, picking a blueberry or something.
Doing something joyous.
Whistling.
You ever see somebody whistling?
Damn, they're doing well.
My God.
You ever see somebody whistling?
You almost want to damn kill them.
You almost can't take the joy.
They got so much joy, they damn got a little tune coming out of them.
My God.
It feels like a lot sometimes.
But that's what I got to remember.
As I had me a sip of this liquid death.
That I can't always be a pitcher.
Sometimes I got to be a cup.
Because I'll have nothing and pour you something and tell you it's something.
I'll say that.
Hey, look, you want a sip?
Then you and me, we both sitting there pretending we got water or Kool-Aid or something.
Or D.R. pepper.
You know, it just.
But that's, you know.
That's sometimes just how I am, man.
Thank you for being here.
Happy Thanksgiving to you.
If you celebrate Thanksgiving, some people don't.
I think Canadians maybe.
But y'all might as well, dude.
You know, y'all been locked down for COVID since damn freaking 91 or whatever.
I think they took the doorknobs off in Canada.
It's locks only.
You can't even get outside if you want.
You can't even have a friend.
They outlawed handshakes.
They outlawed hugs.
You just got to stare at somebody real hard from close.
You see two people just damn staring at each other.
You're like, get a room.
It's a different time, different place.
I'm happy to be here with you on a solo episode.
I was excited.
We had a turkey farm, Rand.
If you haven't gotten to check that out, really interesting to hear what a life is like of a man dealing with that much turkey.
Because turkey meat, that's God's titty.
You know that.
You know a turkey boy.
If you get in there with both hands, you'll find some milk.
Praise God, baby.
Praise God.
Yeah, I'm excited.
I got off the road.
I'm going to share.
These trees are so close.
We got to take these out, man.
I feel like Vietnam came back.
I feel like somebody sold me a damn two batches of Vietnam in here.
These trees are leaning in on me, and God bless them.
But come on, fellas.
These things could be spies.
Who knows?
Who knows?
Are the artificial plants in your house listening to you?
I'm Alex Jones.
Are the artificial plants in your house listening to you?
Tune in now.
Who knows?
We got a lot of great calls that came in, man.
Thank you guys so much for hitting the hotline, 985-664-9503 for giving me a life on the air, whatever this show is.
I don't know what it is a lot of times, but I know that it's us.
I do know that.
We got a call that came in right here.
Let's check it out.
Leo, what's up, buddy?
It's your boy Caleb out of Springfield, Missouri.
What's up, Caleb?
Springfield, Missouri, baby.
That's the home of the national anthem, actually, I think.
Or no, basketball.
Just on my way home from work, man.
I'm a bartender, mixing up drinks, probably spilling mushroom.
But anyway, I have a special question for you, man.
Okay.
There's a lot of performing characters, you know, like in the performance industry.
Which one out of these two do you think houses more pediophiles?
Clowns or magicians?
Because hear me out, man.
Those clowns, they're coming to your kids' party, folding balloons and shit.
Well, clowns, and I hate to interrupt you, but I can because I have these buttons.
But clowns is, and thank you for the question, man.
I mean, clowns is, think about a man putting on lipstick.
Okay?
And it's legal now, you know, and that's great.
Good.
Think about a man putting on lipsticks, man.
And then imagine he put it on his whole face.
That's a clown.
A clown is that dude when you were young, you gave him a lipstick or something, and he put it on his whole face.
That's a clown.
You know, they busted a clown in our area when I was young.
They busted this fella, and everybody at first thought he was just kind of, you know, kind of chubby and had seasonal allergies.
But then they realized he was a clown.
So they busted him, you know, because I guess at the time I didn't know if it was even legal to be a clown when I was young.
You'd see somebody, you'd see it all the time, the cops pull over a clown.
Like, damn, they got, you know, what'd he do?
You know, and they busted this fella.
And I remember he might have been on drugs or uppers or something.
Will this plant get away from me?
Am I on drugs?
But they busted him on an upper or something.
Anyway, he took his clothes off at the thing at the scene of the not crime.
It wasn't a crime yet.
They had just pulled him over.
He took his clothes off, and he had painted clothes on his whole body.
So that's where you're like, what's going on here, buddy?
And then it's a crime because now he's naked.
So now it's a scene of a crime.
The guy, basically just DIY crime.
But yeah, so that's a clown.
I think a clown is somebody that's afraid to ask you to hold their wiener.
100%.
A clown is somebody who's afraid to say, hey, whether they're young or whatever age, they're afraid to say, hey, I got something for you.
I got that breadless frank.
You know, I got that breadless frank for you.
You know, I got that freaking long beef, shelless taco.
They're afraid to say it.
And they don't know how to do it, and so they start to paint themselves, you know, like a peacock.
A peacock will do different variety with its feathers.
What is going on with these?
Get away from me.
So I had to move that tree.
A peacock will do different variety with its feathers, and I think that's kind of what a clown is.
A clown is somebody that's afraid to ask you to hold their penis or wiener.
The craziest is a female clown.
Dude, a female clown?
That's the craziest.
If you see that, you get 40 points, baby.
That's insane.
It's like, did somebody molest you at a pizza party?
Or did somebody, you know, somebody, you know, palming that tit at a Comic-Con and you didn't want it?
Like, how do you become a female clown?
That's crazy.
And then if you're sexually attracted to female clowns, dude, you got to seek help, I think.
But who's most likely to molest?
That's a good question, man.
Or who would I rather get molested by?
Let me listen to the end of the question again.
I'm sorry, brother.
I forgot it.
Or magicians.
Houses more pedophiles.
Oh.
Clowns or magicians?
Okay, well, magicians, a magician's, a magician's is, I think, like, magicians will touch you.
You don't even know it.
You know what I'm saying?
You wake up in the day, you know, you wake up and you got a little rape kit or something next to you.
You know, and I'm not joking about that kind of stuff, but a magician is the kind of guy that'll be like, hey, you see this rabbit?
And next thing you know, your whole family's got handprints on their nuts.
That's a magician.
Yeah, you don't even know you got molested by magicians.
You don't even know it.
That's the thing.
It might be 20 years later, you pouring yourself a little cup of milk or something, and you have that flashback.
You know, suddenly you feel, you know, David Copperfield is in you, you know, he's hiding in your buddy's ass or whatever, doing something, you know, doing something he shouldn't be doing.
Magicians are like that, they're like the silk sheets of touching you.
Because you don't even know if they're touching you or not.
And next thing you know, your watch is gone and you sitting in a therapist's office and you've got two dolls in your hands and you're trying to explain something.
You know, one of the dolls has a top hat on.
And you paying $110 to be in there.
That is magicians.
They're the silk sheets of touching you.
Because silk sheets, silk sheets, you don't, the interesting thing about silk sheets, you don't know you have, if you under a good silk sheet, you don't even know you can't feel it.
You ever get in your grandmother's bed and you win there and you just snuggle, you like, and they got silk sheets.
Because they used to be freaks, son.
And they got this, and you can't even really feel it on your body, but you know it's there.
You see it, but you can't feel it.
That's how magicians will, that's how magicians will touch you.
A good magician has already molested you.
You don't even know it.
You just wake up kind of shook in the crotch and in the brain.
It's like that touchless car wash kind of, you know, you wet, but you don't know what happened.
That's magicians, man.
That's magicians, baby.
So.
What do you think, Riley Mao?
Would you rather get touched by magician or clown?
Yeah, I would say probably.
I don't know.
I would go for clown.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Why?
Why would you say clown, Sari?
I feel like, I mean, you know, magicians, they're.
How do I put it?
Magicians are.
And you probably get approached by a lot of these types, do you?
No, not really.
No.
Nobody believes that.
I'm going to be honest with you.
Nobody believes that.
And I hear you.
And I'm not trying to denounce what you're saying, but I think people find that hard to believe.
Go on, though.
Sorry.
So, I mean, I think, you know, magicians, you know, they're at part of the world.
If you had to have somebody molest you, basically, I'm saying, if you had to have somebody molest you, who would you rather?
Clown or magician?
Or magic man or whatever?
Honestly, I don't know.
Yes.
Okay.
Yeah.
And I don't want to, you know, pressure you into picking either because it's unbelievable.
It's tough enough.
People do get molested all the time, and we shouldn't force each other to choose one.
So are you okay with that?
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
How you been, brother?
How you doing on that bust, man?
Anything new?
I know a lot of people, you had a lot of fans out there, you know, were shocked at the unbustable Riley Mao, you know.
I mean, in prison, you would be a damn, my God.
I could somebody trade you for nine packs of cigarettes in San Quentin right now, you know.
How's it going with, you know, the sexuality and everything you're ejaculating?
Still the same.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, still trying to find that girl.
Wow.
So you still have never geysered out, really?
Not yet.
Mold Faithful over here.
Damn, boy.
Dude, I could sell you to Elton John right now for Thanksgiving, baby.
You'd be that little dinner ham, son.
My God.
Well, I'm proud of you, man.
Has it been getting harder?
I'm sure, like, you've had people in your DMs trying to, you know, maybe holler at you or get you to even just probably damn cough on their plants just to see, you know, just to get them to bloom.
I mean, have you had anything like that?
Yeah, I've had many DMs.
People are like, yeah, you got to just try.
You got to go for it.
I'm like, I mean, I don't respond to them.
And what do they mean?
They mean ejaculating?
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
And I'm just like, you know, it'll come when it comes.
Yeah.
Yeah, it will.
And what about at night?
Is your body just giving out at night?
Sometimes you wake up and you've just been, you know, and you got, you know, you got something you could sell on the dark web?
Not that I could think of.
Okay.
Wow.
You got holiday planned, Rally Mao?
I do.
Oh, good.
What are you going to get into?
I'm going back to California.
Oh, really?
Oh, wow.
And what are you guys having, like, a meeting over there or something?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just a little meeting.
Okay, and what is it?
You know, just a dinner party.
That's it.
Okay.
Yeah.
Nice, man.
Enjoyable.
You guys celebrate Thanksgiving?
I am.
Good, man.
Well, welcome, baby.
We're happy to have you.
We're happy to have you.
Will you stay here with me for a little bit?
Yeah.
Okay, cool.
Sounds good, man.
We've got some great calls that have come in.
You know, life is a different bag for different people.
Sometimes it's a Versace, and sometimes it's a knapsack.
You know, sometimes you got a Tumi backpack or Tummy or Tumi or Tummy.
I don't know what it is.
T-U-M-I.
Do you know what that is?
I do.
What is it?
Too much information?
Yep.
But sometimes, you know, sometimes you have a damn, you know, a luggage and sometimes you're holding your nuts.
It's just, there's different ways to carry things.
And we all carry some type of baggage.
And we got a beautiful call that came in right here from a gentleman.
And this is a good, good man, and I'm happy that he's calling.
Let's hear it.
Hey, Theo, what's going on?
My name is Dalton.
I've been listening to the show off and on for a while now.
Dirty Dalton.
Thank you for hitting the airwaves, brother.
God loves you.
Doesn't he Riley?
Yeah.
God loves everybody, doesn't he?
He does.
God, I like hearing it.
I knew it, and I doubt it sometimes, but I believe it.
Onward, let's hear more.
Just want to say I love everything you do, gang, gang.
But a couple episodes ago, I think it was on the Swipe Society episode, you mentioned something about your uncle, or I forget who got hit by a train.
Yep, my mom's brother, actually.
Killed by a rail car.
Onward.
And died.
And I can relate because when I was in high school, it was probably like 10 years ago, I was actually hit by a train on the way to school.
I was walking to school and I lived.
And yeah, I don't know if you want me to, I can send you an article link to the.
Oh, damn, I thought you were going to say you could send me a leg or something.
Damn, Bub.
You got hit, baby.
I'm sorry, Bubby.
Damn, Evander Holyfield of Vehicles bit this man.
God.
That sniper, baby.
That Chevrolet Ford Pontiac sniper, dog, got him.
Damn, Dalton.
Hit by a train.
And that's it, dude.
That's it.
Look, we've all got a different train in our body, don't we, Riley?
Yeah.
I mean, you got that slam track is going to fly out of your little body.
But my God, Dalton, I'm sorry to hear this, brother.
And I just never talked to nobody that's been hit by a train because my uncle was dead before I knew him.
I think before I was alive.
But God, there must be a small, really club of you guys.
You guys have a.
Well, I'm not talking to you.
I should probably.
Let's hear more.
The article or whatever, but it was a life-changing moment for me.
Like, basically, I survived this accident.
And if I could go back, honestly, I wouldn't change a thing.
I would probably get, you know, I wouldn't change.
Damn.
He would run it back, people.
Are you hearing what's happening here?
He would run it back.
Two trains.
This dude, wow.
He would run it back.
What is our pain bringing to us?
You got me lifted here, Dalton.
What is my travesty in my life?
What joy?
What is it bringing me?
There must be something.
If this man been hit by a damn train.
A train from movies and books, Polar Express, Tom Hanks shit.
And he said, bring it again.
Let's run it back.
And you got me lifted, Dalton, because you're making me, because I sit here and I cry to myself that my life is bad.
My life is too hard.
Certain things happen to me and I can't handle it.
And you saying, let's run it back.
That's powerful, man.
Would you get hit by a train twice, Riley?
No.
Let's hear more from Dalton, a real man.
I wouldn't change a thing.
I would probably get, you know, I wouldn't change.
I would probably, you know, still get hit by the train.
It was such a life-changing moment for me that it was probably the most important thing to happen to me in my life.
It really put things into perspective.
But, yeah, I just wanted to share that thought, my experience.
I love everything you do, bro.
Peace out.
Wow.
Wow.
We got a lot to be thankful for, you know.
I'm not mad enough to get hit by one train and your boy Dirty Dalton.
Old freaking Amtrak Dalton out here saying, run it back, fam.
Load them cars up.
Put coal in them.
Put cornmeal in them.
Put lead in them.
Put another train in the train.
And let's run it back.
You feel the power in that, Riley Mal.
I do.
You think you...
Are you?
No.
I'm not man enough to say, hit me once, train.
But when I look at the trains on my track, man, there's, you know, am I willing to say, hey, let's do this again just to see what I can become if I go through this one more time.
It's a weird time to sell you stuff, but fitting right in with the holiday season, what would you do if you didn't have high-interest loans or credit card debt?
What would you do?
Maybe you get you a little vacation or something.
Get your wife a little aquarium.
Huh?
You know that bitch.
She's been saying for years, get me wet.
Well, here's a fish tank, mommy.
Now you go, you know what I'm saying?
And here's you a little gift card or something.
Go get you a little something.
You handle it.
Daddy did his job.
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Do you get your body hair, Rally Mail?
You get pubic hair?
I do.
Okay.
And do you treat it or you're still in a safe zone?
Still in a safe zone.
My man, my man.
My man.
What are you thankful for this year, Bub?
Oh, man, I'm thankful for definitely not thankful for having a girlfriend because I don't have one.
There you go.
Now, tell me this, though.
Could you, are you saving yourself for marriage?
You're just saving yourself for a woman?
I'm a little confused on that.
Yeah, pretty much for marriage.
Okay.
But you got to start the first ingredient is that for a male.
Right.
And have you been on any dates recently?
I was on one.
Cool, man.
It was just the coffee date.
It was from Hinge, but it wasn't anything.
And what would you wear?
I just wore a nice shirt, slacks.
Oh, nice shirt is good.
Some cologne.
You did?
I did.
Wow, you went cologne, huh?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, damn, boy.
Damn, Big Daddy, huh?
Splash that up.
God.
Did you smell good, you think?
I did.
Did she say anything about it?
She did not.
That's good.
One of my friends told me that I did smell really nice, though.
That's good.
That'll keep you alive.
I mean, that's kept me alive before, somebody telling me that kind of stuff.
It's a simple compliment, but it can do a lot.
Right.
And so when you got to the date, was it comfortable or uncomfortable?
Right when you saw her, was it a good energy?
Tell me about it.
Yeah, no, it was a great energy.
She just never responded back to me after the date.
Okay.
So she didn't really feel that lifelong deal.
Right.
Okay.
Dang.
And was she red-headed or brown-headed or what?
She was like a mixed brunette blonde.
Oh, God, she sounds hot.
Oh, God.
That's good.
Could you draw a picture of her, you think, if you had to?
If I tried, yeah.
That's awesome.
I love that.
All right.
Let's get into some more voicemails that came in, man.
As always, the hotline, 985-664-9503.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, Riley.
Happy Thanksgiving, Theo.
Hey, this is Maddie Camacho.
I was just wondering if you know of any tour dates yet that are going to be happening in 2022.
I was thinking of getting my boyfriend a ticket for me and him to one of your shows as a Christmas gift.
I thought that'd be like the best Christmas gift ever.
Well, thank you, Maddie.
Sorry to cut you off.
But I'll listen a little more.
Sorry.
We love you, but I just didn't know if you have any dates yet that you haven't released for 2022.
Okay, yes, I do.
I don't know.
I know Florida is going to happen in February.
I know, you know, there's less restrictions on theaters and places.
So that's why I've been staying in some warmer climates.
So Florida will happen.
There will be some other places happening in February.
Canada, it looks like, is going to be in late April and May.
So, I mean, we're going to be going to places in Canada that I don't even know if they exist.
So that should be interesting.
You see them online, but, you know, Canada is basically like that.
It's like that kind of that safe Russia.
You know, you'll see like a whole town online, but you get there and it's nothing.
It's a Christmas village sale or something.
Or it's just a lot of camera work and, you know, a lot of bullshit.
You know, a lot of people just eating.
You know, a lot of people fucking just looking at each other's nuts.
But yeah, so there will be, I hope to have them on sale in the next two weeks.
So yeah, so there should be some available for around then.
Oh, and also Coachella, California, that's December, I think, next Saturday.
What's next Saturday the date?
Do you know?
Rally Matt.
I believe the 4th.
Yeah, it's December 4th or 5th in Coachella, California at the Spotlight 29 Casino.
Those tickets are on sale through theovon.com slash tour.
So thank you guys for the support there.
Yeah, the tour.
So let's get into the tour.
So we got a tour bus that we leased.
So that was really, you know, for me, it's really about just having, just taking the pressure off myself.
Instead of trying to arrange like, you know, or work with my tour manager to arrange like a sprinter van or this or that.
This time we decided to get a tour bus.
And it was exciting.
You know, you sleep in there, so it's, you kind of like, it gets a little hamster cagey.
You know, you definitely, now I see why hamsters have a wheel in there.
Because your blood, you get real coagulated.
You just get real, you know, everybody's like on the same menstrual cycle or whatever, even if it's men.
You know, everybody's just noses will start bleeding at the same time for no reason.
It's just, because we just had three men in there.
It was myself, Ari Manis, who was the opener.
And then the bus driver, Bizzle Gibbons.
No, it was the tour man, Bizzle Gibbons.
And he's a Canuck.
And then Mr. Gary was the bus driver.
And I grew up with a kid named Gary, so I'm used to being around Garys.
And Garys, you got to get used to.
It's easy, though.
Garys are usually pretty docile, you know, but you got to get used to them.
And I didn't see the bus driver for the first four days.
Because basically, you get done with the show, you go to bed, and he comes on and drives at night.
He's almost like, who's the person that gets in your dreams and makes you do or makes things happen?
Riley, who is that?
Do you know?
I don't.
Great.
The guy that gets in your dreams.
He like, oh, I'll see what I'm going to do here.
Like a dream man.
You look that up for me, do you mind?
Yeah.
By the way, do you have the password for the computer?
What?
You don't have it?
No.
Unbelievable.
Never mind.
We'll be fine, man.
Okay.
What are we living in, people?
How many trains have you been hit by, son?
Where are we?
This is the problem with society.
This is why, you know.
Glad to have you here, brother.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, Riley.
All right, let's just keep it moving.
Oh, but yeah, so I never saw Gary.
You get in there, you go to bed, you wake up.
I got a little bit of nice, you know, you know, there was one time I had a little bit of interaction with a woman, you know, a little bit of sexuale, if you will.
Not full sexuale, but definitely, you know, being around each other and seeing what was happening at a close range.
A lot of close range, basically.
So that was good to get involved in a little bit of close range and know I'm straight and know everything is chill.
Always a good time.
But the nice thing, too, was sitting in, and God bless that woman.
And also the nice thing was sitting as the bus drove through the countryside, just sitting in the back.
And you're looking out the window and you're like, damn, okay, beautiful, beautiful.
Let me look over here.
Oh, fine as hell.
And it's nature.
It's not bitches, dog.
It's nature.
Because nature is all the bitches.
If you really give a good look at it, nature is all the bitches, man.
And I got my hand in my pants now and I'm taking it out.
Okay, but here's some questions that came in from you guys just from the tour and stuff like that.
So let's get into a couple of them.
Hey, Theo, man, this is Max.
I'm out here in Columbus, Ohio.
Big Max.
And Max is as much as you can have.
So that's quite a responsibility as a person.
Onward, brother.
Security guard and visitor experience, gallery guard at the Columbus Museum of Art here in the city.
Watch after that art.
Oh, damn, baby.
So you guarding art.
You that freaking Vincent Van Gangbanger, son.
You out there, huh?
You Banksy Siegel.
You out there.
You quick drawing McGraw, baby.
You guarding art.
Damn, boy.
Keeping them betchas off them etch of sketches, daddy.
Let's go.
Onward.
This past weekend, I got to go to your show over at the theater in here in Columbus.
First time I got to see you.
So, man, that was huge.
I've always wanted to call you and just tell you this past weekend I finally got to go see your show.
I've been listening to your podcast since 2018.
And I love what you do.
I really love you, man.
You're an inspiration to me, a lot of people.
So, yeah, I just wanted to call and say thank you for a great show this past weekend.
I'm still thinking about it, how much fun I had.
You were just a fantastic comedian, fantastic entertainer.
And yeah, I love you, bro.
I just thought I'd let you know that.
Thank you so much.
Oh, thanks, man.
That's nice of you to say it, dude.
I appreciate it.
I probably let that go on too long with you saying nice stuff, but thank you, man.
I'm glad you had fun.
Your voice just makes me sound excited.
I'm excited because you're excited.
I'm glad that you could do that and feel some.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I really am.
I'll say this.
By the time that show got to Columbus, that thing was hot.
Dude, that second show in Columbus, I should have done 40 shows in Columbus.
And we'll probably come back through.
Some places, you know, we just, I've been having to mitigate the amount of shows I can do in cities because just my, I've just been dealing with a lot of stress and stuff, you know, but, dude, when I got off those two shows, it was hot.
From where this tour started in St. Louis, when people were just, you know, there was some guy who couldn't stop belching in like the fourth row.
His wife's like, you know, doing reverse CPR on him.
He's breathing through his wife.
Just some guy who just had too much meat.
You know, some guy that was just over-meated and he can't handle his own life.
And now his wife's having to hold down his body air.
You know, from that, from those shows where it was just louder, more drastic, and then you get to all aboard, son.
This train don't stop here anymore.
I think that's an old song.
I don't know if it is or not.
Shit, I might have made that shit up.
I might have never even heard that shit.
You ever do that?
You ever started singing a song?
You don't even know if you ever fucking heard the song, baby.
Gang.
But thank you, brother.
You stay hot on that art, fam.
Let's hear another call that Came in right here, man.
Gang, gang.
Hey, Theo.
This is Alex from Maine.
I saw you in Portland this past Tuesday with my girl.
I was the guy wearing the shirt with bananas on it, that fruit shirt hit her.
The show was awesome.
You were so funny, man.
Thank you, Alex.
Thank you for bringing your lady out and making the evening.
If you've ever been to Portland, Maine, it is amazing city.
Amazing.
It blew my mind that that's what was happening up there, that that's what God put up there.
I thought it was a couple people up there, you know what I'm saying?
Frickin' trying to, you know, use a crowbar to get up in each other's clam holes.
You know what I'm saying?
A lot of people out there trying to use a damn shoehorn and trying to shoehorn their way into a little neck.
Gang, baby onwards.
I was just curious, did you in the show early, because of the kind of loud, possibly drunk people who kept yelling out, there was a lady a few rows behind me who yelled out, like, your ass is hot or something.
And like, people laughed.
White lady probably.
But then she did it a second time a few minutes later, and you looked a little bothered.
Oh, they want that grizzled Eddie?
No.
No, I didn't.
I didn't.
Portland show, let me think.
No, we got off stage.
Oh, no.
I remember.
We didn't end early.
I think we did about a 50-minute set and then we did a meet and greet.
Or, you know, just I was feeling pretty good.
My energy was feeling good.
And so we got to meet some people.
You know, just met who was around.
So I think that was pretty much it.
I loved it there.
I loved Portland that Tuesday night.
You know, I have a special place in my ticker in my heart, mi corazón, for Portland.
You know, I used to, I remember touching a girl's body when I was young up there off of Islesboroughs Island.
And I don't know who, I think it's named after like Larry Islesboroughs or something.
I don't know.
But oh, I remember being in an abandoned summer home in an attic in Maine and touching some girl's body and a bat tried to attack me same time.
And it's hard to play the fiddle when freaking Satan's trying to, you know, when he's sending one of his little hitmen at you.
You know, when he's sending that little fucking dirt sparrow at you, dog.
So, you know, when Voldemort's got that little fucking, you know, when, you know, you got that little Voldemort goose out there hitting the air, that bat.
So that was tough.
I remember trying to, you know, be really, you know, I was young and I was trying to really enjoy this girl's, you know, my, you know, we was doing body time a little bit, you know, a lot of close range.
And that bat.
So anyway, I have a special place in my heart for Maine.
And Maine, everybody out there is insane.
It's crazy.
Everybody out there is fucking crazy, dog.
Maine is crazy, man.
We got some lobsters.
We went and the late, I was like, how's the lobster?
She's like, it was swimming out there yesterday.
And she literally pointed to the water.
So that's God, baby.
That's God, dude.
That's God's sink up there, Maine.
So there we are.
I'll tell you this, man.
We'll get into some more.
Thank you guys for being here today.
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That is code Theo for 30% off your entire order at trylgc.com slash theo if you want to know what's going on with your levels if you think something's going on at least now you can know how you holding up riley doing great yeah what are you getting for christmas you asking santa for anything or anybody or your somebody parents yeah asking for a girlfriend fuck really man yeah are you joking with me or you really want a girl yeah wow bub
damn now gee are you worried that if you if a girl come along you could just she might not even what you know you're just gonna take you know sometimes somebody serve you something and you don't know what's in the kitchen because you haven't really had a had a snack right are you worried about that at all not really and how quick can you get from first date to marriage do you think in y'all's religion i'm not sure there
you go damn well you never know boy damn you willing to get there though yeah definitely say you meet a girl she seems great how quick would you be willing to get to marriage four five six months yep amen boy amen dude you better sell tickets you better sell a live stream when you get that stream live baby you better sell you know what i'm saying you better definitely
sell an eight buck tickets i'll sell it to it i know a couple dudes out in la a couple of uh executive producers that would definitely pay to see some of that action all right let's get into a couple more calls here um here we go hi theo it's ava from maryland um i'm calling because we just got home what's up ava from maryland baby let's go um i'm calling because i just got home from your show
you were just performing in baltimore and it was awesome i um thank you thank you that's sweet of you to say it uh some of them run together a little bit but not always um um i think it was a pretty big venue in baltimore so thank you for coming out i bought two tickets initially because i was going to go with my boyfriend but we're not together anymore so i couldn't find anyone to go with me so
i just went by myself and i felt kind of uncomfortable um and then once you got on stage you know it was just the energy in the room was just it was just so full of love you know and i didn't even notice you know that i was there by myself anymore um it sounds kind of lame but you were awesome you were great we loved you um come back soon please we all want to buy tickets oh gang
baby thank you thanks for the nice words and thanks for being brave enough to go somewhere by yourself you know we're all by ourselves in a way in the world we're you know we have you have but you're all there's this you know the mainframe is in us you know we see out of our own eyes you know we have our own perceptions so in a way we're always kind of all by ourselves but i i can imagine yeah i get if i got to go eat
something by myself i'm like i'll pull the waiter over i'll say bring the appetizer fast don't leave me sitting here doing nothing i'll tell them i'll tell them straight up dude riley there's a lady right there i know and why i mean are you how how do we you know are you missing these babes man we got to get you out to a beach or something maybe where the babes are yeah i'm down um
but thanks for coming ava thanks for coming in there solo i'm glad there's you know there's a lot of love in these audiences i agree you know i constantly hear from people it's like the best group um you get some free bird you get people crazies as well but a lot of love out there and uh i just think it's so sweet that even that you you decided to come even though you know your man bailed out he missed out that's what i say that he missed out but you didn't gang baby um what
else do we got here um i feel like that's a lot of stuff so far what else oh they have some new merch available we got a new bait a new like uh fish in and outdoor kind of line that is available so you can check that out at theovanstore.com um let me see what it says because uh new get that hitter bait and
tackle collections availables black friday sale going on now through monday november 29th at 9 p.m 20 off all be good to yourself and get that hitter merge gang also the new i'm upstairs collection is available uh so new designer tees long sleeves and hoodies yeah a lot of neat lot of nice christmas gift options um also if you are a patreon member we have low patreon
but if you are a patreon member you get you'll get early access for ticketing and uh you get discount codes uh for merch so just letting you know because we don't do a big patreon over here um you know we do a lot of just a um money for single moms and that sort of uh deal what else oh what else happened on the tour let me think about that uh we almost went to the osu game but
it was getting cold and we'd had a long couple of days you know because you by the time you get to a place you get going it's noon um uh oh burlington oh this happened in a couple spots people have to wear the uh mask now in some theaters.
And I didn't know it.
So in Burlington's, man, I'm out there.
I'm giving it my all.
And I'm like, man, the response, I'm not feeling some of the response.
And then halfway through, I realized these people are wearing masks.
I didn't even realize it.
And that kind of became a theme in a couple of the places we were.
You know, the theaters would ask someone wear a mask.
Some people would, some people wouldn't.
Which is fine.
You know, do you?
You know, if you want to have a mask, I have it on.
I felt like, but the requirement of it, that was a little bit, that was tough.
Because some places they would make you, or they would come and say something to you.
So I just want to say thank you to everybody who's putting up with that kind of stuff.
I know it's not easy, you know, just dealing with that sort of thing.
So I know it's not easy.
I know it's not easy.
I don't want to look past that.
I want to say thank you.
Yeah, because some people bought tickets and then they realized they have the theaters put in these mandates.
And Andrew Schultz just said, fuck you to a theater and went to another place.
And I love that.
And I would do that too.
I think, you know, I got to get a better idea.
Oh, he went not because of mandates.
He went because they said he had offensive material.
They didn't want his type of material or they gave him some notes.
And good.
Fuck them.
Fuck them people.
People should be able to pay to go see what they want.
I then also believe people should be able to go to a place where they know people are going to be masked or not masked.
I mean, this shit's almost ridiculous now.
Most people have forgotten they even cared about COVID.
That's the crazy part.
I have friends like eight months ago that were like, you know, that maybe didn't have some of the same thoughts I did about it.
And now they forgot about it.
They wouldn't even be around, you know, and now they forgot it.
So it's like, I think a lot of that stuff is, I think a lot of that's kind of dissipating.
You know, when I look back on certain things that had my energy or that were making me upset, it's like, you know, you read articles now about like BLM found, you know, guys still fighting for BLM like in parks and stuff.
It's like, what?
The people that came and that money sailed.
The t-shirt vendor for that, he showed up.
He's gone now.
You know, it's all these little things come that get our attention, get our money.
They get y'all money.
They got, you could donate $70 to some damn, to a black arts foundation, and that guy got busted or whatever.
And I'm not saying it's just a black, I'm not saying just black thing.
It could be anything.
It could be a damn, you know, Norwegian, you know, orange company.
And you out there eating all these oranges for these bitches on a Saturday, getting vitamin C'd up, and next thing you know, they leave town.
They don't even, they don't give a damn.
They, you know, vitamin C you later.
These bitches out.
All they was in town to get the, get the cash.
And you for, but we forget about it.
Thankfully, we forget about those things too.
Can you imagine if the stresses we had just stayed in us forever?
Well, that would be me.
Anyway, I don't really know what I'm talking about.
We had some, in the last episode, we had I got a pee, guys.
I'm going to be right back.
What else is going on?
Let's get into a couple more calls, man.
Not to be call heavy, but I just haven't gotten to spend time with you guys in a while.
And so I like to hear what's going on from your end.
What were the other shows like on the tour?
Let me think.
Oh, in Albany, man.
We got it to be in this building called The Egg.
So the bus pulls in at night.
You know, you don't know.
So we go up in the elevator.
We're downstairs.
And suddenly, I'm upstairs.
What do you need?
Honey, can you, I'm upstairs.
I'm upstairs.
God, I love it.
So, shit, what was I talking about?
What was I talking about, Riley?
The downstairs on tour.
Oh, yeah, so we got stuck in the...
Yeah.
Hell yeah.
Finally, Riley Mao.
You know, you hold out hope that a guy's going to, there's going to be something in him.
For as much as that's trapped in this dude, you'd think some information would be stuck in there.
Times have changed, okay?
Species are different.
People are different.
This theater dude in the Albany dog, this shit, it shocked me.
The thing, it looked like a bowl of like low mane or something.
I don't know what the hell.
We got images.
If you're on YouTube, man, we got images.
You will be shocked that there is a building that looks like this in America.
You'll be shocked.
I had no, and we were inside it.
So someone tagged me on the gram in the story and said, hey, is this where you are?
And I'm like, yeah, I guess so.
I guess so, dude.
And that's where we are at as humans.
I don't even know what building I'm in.
I just know that I'm upstairs.
God.
What do you want?
So that was wild.
Oh, walking down the streets of Al Banny, dog.
That's shit.
I didn't know Al Banny was in it.
I Didn't know about it.
You know, if somebody said, you know, hey, Al Banny, I'd say, what are you saying, guy?
What are you saying?
Could you draw a picture of Al Banny, New York?
I don't think I can.
And so that's what I'm saying here is that I didn't know.
And then we walk down the streets afterwards and it's like all these blustery leaves blowing and big leaves, those big ones, you know, all winterized.
They're browned out, you know.
These things are all BLM'd out, these leaves.
And they're on the ground just like just like map, like ancient maps.
You know, they look like a map from like a different civilization, from like a different galaxy or civilizations.
And so, you know, it was beautiful, though.
It's beautiful.
It's unique.
Some dude outside, some dude said, hey, I'll give you 40 bucks.
He said, hey, give me 40 bucks and I won't beat the shit out of you.
And I was like, all right.
I'll do that, dude.
I got that same deal over in Delaware, son.
I've seen this deal.
So that's a, you know, that's that safety tariff, baby.
I paid that bitch straight up, son.
That's that safety tariff.
If you ever finally did get to ejaculate, Riley Mount, would you keep it or you'd let it go?
I'll let it go.
Oh, man.
You'll wish you had it later.
I know that.
I always wish I had mine.
So just a side note, nobody has to know you keep it.
Right.
But I'm trying to think of anything else.
I mean, it was all great coming out on the stage, seeing everybody's hyped up.
In Buffalo, we got to go see the Bills Stadium.
My boy Harrison Phillips over there plays football over there.
He's a football guy.
And he plays number 99. And I got to go in the locker room, man.
Got to see A.J. Klein's locker.
And who else Diggs, Mr. Diggs' locker?
And Josh Allen's.
You know, we got to be in there and look and touch like the medical tape and stuff.
And then we went out to the field.
There was a high school game going on, some children playing, you know.
And, you know, Joey Diaz would have sprinkled a little bit half an eight ball out there.
But whatever, dude, that's a different guy, different time.
But that, oh, here was great.
So we're in Buffalo's and we go to the see the tour of the stadium.
And afterwards, we got a car to come pick us up because we don't have a car.
That's the thing about the bus.
If you're in the bus, the driver's gone all day.
He's asleep somewhere.
He's at a holiday inn select or like at a Hampton Inn, which is where I hope to be buried at.
You know that.
And what happened?
What was I talking about, Riley?
Do you remember it?
The bus driver, Hampton Inn.
Before that.
Oh, the Bills Stadium.
So we get in the car to leave.
It's dark now.
We start driving about 10 feet, and the driver, you just hear him go, gang, gang.
And we're like, oh, shit.
So we were so hyped, man.
This guy, he had a crazy story.
He told us all this wild story about drugs and youth pastoring and all kind of shit.
You know, some real total gang, gang, gang shit.
You know what I'm saying?
What kind of stuff you hear on here?
So it was really, but it was crazy.
We're just sitting there in the dark and we're just heading back and we got it, you know, the show starts in an hour and 20 minutes.
And then you just hear gang, gang.
And he said that him and his wife were going to the show that night.
And they were going to go to dinner first.
But this call came in and he took it because he's just doing work.
And next thing you know, he's picking us up.
And he's like, it's just kind of wild, you know.
So he took us to get some wings and then dropped us off.
And we got to meet him and his lady Leah, I think was his wife's name, after the show for a bit and say, hey.
And that was cool, man.
Just the people you meet.
And, you know, we didn't put a meet and greet on the tour because it was, I've just been stressed.
It's been hard to know what your stress level is going to be.
And so it just have to take it.
I try to do it when I can.
So if some places I didn't get to meet some of you, I'm sorry.
You know, and we'll try next time.
And in other places, sometimes I'm just feeling okay.
But I got to have something in my cup, you know, because otherwise I'm just getting out there and we all, you know, and then I'm not myself and I don't want to be not myself.
I'm tired of that.
I can't be it anymore.
I'm tired of it.
All right, let's get one more call or two that let's get one more that came in, man.
We had some stuff about hearing compliments and stuff and we'll get into it next time.
I want everybody to go enjoy their Thanksgiving, enjoy their Thanksgiving week.
I'm excited.
I'm excited just to, yeah, I got some family I'm going to see, and I'm looking forward to that.
Here we go, man.
Here's a call that came in.
Hey, what's up, D.O.?
I'm giving you a call because I just'm downstairs, man.
I just got a lot going on in my life.
I kind of just don't feel like I have anybody else to talk to right now.
It's just hard.
I've been there, baby.
I've been there, man.
Thank you for sharing.
Onward.
We got some bad news about my mother-in-law.
She's got stage four inoperable cancer.
And, you know, my wife and I have a wife and our two small kids.
I work full time.
I'm doing grad school at night.
And uh I don't know, it just feels like things are falling apart for me.
I'm trying to find joy and not letting anybody take my joy, but it's hard.
It's hard right now, man.
You know, like my marriage is situation is kind of coming between our marriage because it's hard.
I don't know how to be the best to everybody.
Just be strong, you know.
It's hard, man.
I want to hug.
But I thank you for your podcast, man.
It helps.
Sorry.
Nah, don't be sorry, dog.
I just wanted to say thank you.
I'm just being here.
It's a bright spot in my life.
And I'm thankful for that.
And that brings me joy.
Thank you, brother.
Gang, man.
Thank you, bruh.
Thank you for calling in.
Thank you for sharing what's going on with you and just in a real way.
You know, I was crying somewhere yesterday at a Starbuck.
So I'm damn crying at a damn Starbuck, you know.
And here was the crazy part.
I'll tell you this.
This is a true story.
I'm not trying to laugh.
I'm just, but I literally had been crying in my truck in a Starbuck, dude, right?
So look.
Some guy drives, he's in traffic on the road out in front of me, and he's like, he's like, what up, motherfucker?
He starts like flipping.
He's like, motherfucker.
He's just flipping me off.
And then once he gets my attention, he's like, gang, gang.
But I'm just like, little did he know I'd been sitting there freaking, you know, just letting all these fucking ghosts outside, you know, the ghosts inside of us, whatever they are, they turn into water and come out of our face, you know.
And I don't know if I should even keep that call.
I don't know.
Maybe we'll keep this call in.
I don't want to be disrespectful to you by putting your feelings out there.
But it's a lot.
Yeah, I think we all feel a lot of pressure to be everything.
It's this never-ending thing.
And I think it's so sweet that you care about your mother-in-law.
Most people would go to a, they would go somewhere and buy stage four inoperable cancer for their mother-in-law.
You could sell kits of that on Etsy right now.
A lot of it would be women using fake male screen names or male emails to buy it for their own mothers.
You know, the devil is out there, man.
But you're doing good, man.
I'm just here to tell you you're doing good.
And, wow, I feel like I'm talking to myself.
You notice, don't be so hard at it.
Man, it's so funny.
These are all the things that people tell me.
Wow.
And I don't even have a family or kids or a real job.
You know what I'm saying?
You out here doing real stuff, man.
You on the front lines, baby.
You getting hit by trains, baby.
You know, so it's okay, dude.
You know, it's okay.
And you know why?
Because a long time ago, men was in, we was in groups and tribes.
And if you had a feeling, you would share it with somebody and you had somebody right there to be there with your feeling.
And just don't be afraid to lean on the people around you, you know.
Just hug your wife a little extra.
Hug yourself a little extra.
You know, I think you're doing great, man.
You sound, if you're brave enough to share what's going on with you, man, damn.
That's huge, dog.
It's huge.
You doing that just lets me know I'm okay.
I'm not carrying any shame for being out of the damn Starbucks I'm out there.
You know, putting extra salt water in my damn salted caramel bachiatty or whatever, dude, these bitches or whatever.
I don't know.
But sorry, I'm not much help right there.
But you're doing good, man.
You're doing things I'm afraid to do.
Have a family, have a wife.
You giving me strength.
You know, and they need to get a damn hug machine at the CBS, dog.
That's what they need, huh?
You might ask it on a date, huh, Riley?
Yeah.
There you go.
But they should have, how the CBS don't have a damn hug machine at it.
They got a red box for $1, somebody can come up behind you and mug you.
That's all a red box is.
You get up there, you put a dollar in, and somebody jack your ass from the back.
And now you sitting there, you got a copy of them.
You wake up, you know, two towns over, and you being sex trafficked or whatever, but you got a copy of Home Alone 3 in your pants, you know, stuck in your pocket.
It's just, but they need a hug machine at the CBS, dog.
And when I see you, I'm going to give you one.
And just thank you for, you know, just sharing your truth, bruh.
And sharing what's going on.
And I'm sure, look, you hear this voicemail, you probably left this voicemail a week ago.
You're in a better place now.
But we'll all be thinking about, you know, your mother-in-law and just giving you the strength man.
What do you do riley when somebody doesn't have strength?
What do y'all do over at the church?
What do y'all do?
Just pray over them.
And do you have to physically be over them like a fire or you can do it like uh over Zoom or just over anyway?
You can just do it by yourself right now if you want to dog.
You just think about it.
We'll be thinking about you dog.
I'll tell you that.
Shit.
Half a million people listening to this show.
There's half million people that have been thinking about you while this shit's going on.
But maybe that might make you feel more because if I told you that many people, but it's so funny.
I feel like I'm sitting there listening to myself for a second.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank everybody that's come out to the shows, man, and been a part of my life.
And let me be a part of your life.
You know, there's so often I can't love myself.
And you guys love me.
And it's crazy.
You know, it's just that's what we do for each other.
We just love each other until we can love ourselves.
Gang.
Gang on that.
Gang.
You know what?
I'm going to go out a good way, man.
It's an old-fashioned way.
It's the way how we all got in.
some of this.
Um.
Come on.
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.
Tell them, Riley.
Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could I be so far from my home?
Thanks for being here with me today, Ryan.
Thank you, Theo.
Appreciate you, man.
Thank you to Spencer Leah Tao for producing and editing this episode.
Thank you to Colin Reiner for producing this episode.
Thank you.
you to you, whoever you are.
I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time for me to step that parking break and let myself on mine shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you a story I've been singing just for you.
And I I've been moving way too fast like a runaway train.
Like a train.
Run it back, baby.
Come on.
In these rails that I've been riding on, the walls so thin that they're damn near gone.
I guess now they just work with the last.
You like this song, Riley?
I do.
I do.
To make sense of what I can tell you my story.
shine on me and I will find a song we'll sing it just for you and I will find the words to help you make it through if you call my name I'll sing it to you shine that light on me come on Raleigh Mell let it loose baby
let's go Taiwan baby shine on me and I will find a song I'll sing it just for you shine on me shine oh
yeah oh yeah oh yeah shine on me shine on me oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah Oh, man.
Life is a salad, baby.
And the Lord is my vinaigrette, son.
You guys be good to yourselves.
You deserve it.
That is Shine by Bishop Gunn and the beautiful vocals of Mr. Travis McCready right there.
Unprecedented talent in that band, Bishop Gunn.
And I'm going to keep them on my thought list.
I hope they can put it back together.
I'd love to see them back out there making good music.
We all would.
You guys be good to yourselves.
I'm thankful for you, gang.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweet.
Is it there?
Anyone who doesn't Listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
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