Nick Swardson is an American actor, stand-up comedian, screenwriter, and producer.
Nick Swardson is back to talk about returning to stand up, almost retiring in Key West, and his friend Norm Macdonald. Theo and Nick also discuss bots writing articles, jumping armadillos, and the future of comedy.
Find Nick Swardson:
IG: https://instagram.com/realnickswardson
FB: https://www.facebook.com/nickswardsoncomedy
Website: http://nickswardson.net/
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Music: "Shine" - Bishop Gunn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_c...
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If you're struggling with something in your brain or mentally emotions, BetterHelp.
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Today's episode is brought to you by Liquid Death.
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Today's guest is just a real energetic man.
And he's got that thing in him.
He got that spunk in him, you know?
He's a real spunk dragon if you see him.
If you beat him, spunk would come out.
That's who he is.
He's a movie actor.
And he's a comedian.
You know him from a lot of the greats.
And we're here today to get to spend time with him.
blessed by this Minnesota Vikings fan, my friend, comedian Nick Swartzen.
For me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind.
Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song I'll be singing just for me.
And I will find a song I'll be singing just for me.
Ladies and gentlemen, no, I want to just quickly say, Brian Callum, fucking eat me out.
Eat me out.
Brian Callen, where are the all right?
That's what I wanted to just kick off.
Yeah.
That's a starter meal, huh?
That's a kickoff.
That's an eat me out off.
That's a slapatizer, bro.
And would he do it, though?
I mean...
I don't know if he would seem like a real snacker to me.
I feel like he would make people do that to him.
Yeah.
Or I'm generous with my anuse.
My fucking anal tunnel.
Oh, yeah.
It's just, you know, people can just sign up.
There's a sign-up sheet outside my building.
Really?
Yeah, anybody that's walking by.
Just jot it down.
Get in there.
Damn.
Do you wish you had, do you ever wish that your anus was bigger or do you wish that it was smaller?
I've thought about that every day of my life when I wake up.
I just, I touch it and I'm like, it's still kind of medium.
But I think tighter, you know what I mean?
Just for a lot of my friends are, you know, big fingers.
Yeah.
Yeah, you, I mean, but yeah, in Titer, you could steal somebody's ring, you know, like they do on, remember on, I think, Robin Hood when he kisses the captain's hand?
Oh, yeah.
He was fucking Throbin Hood, dude.
He's hard as a rock.
No, I don't want my asshole to be too loose.
Like, I want to feel my shits.
You know what I mean?
I don't want to just fall out.
Yeah, just go AWOL.
Yeah, like somebody just throwing him on your doorstep like an Amazon guy.
Yeah.
I don't want him just fucking swan diving when I take a shit and like clean landing.
I want to feel it.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
Damn, you're like a real outdoorsman.
Yeah.
I'm very thirsty.
Yeah, you're in very old school.
Yeah, fucking, I'll take a shit anywhere.
I think in the future, people, shitting will be a thing of the past.
Actually, defecating as a human.
Like, if you see somebody go in a room by themselves to have special desecration or whatever, what's it called?
Desecration.
Desecration.
Leave their body.
Defecation, isn't it?
Defecation, yeah.
Yeah, desecration, I think, is when you put your turtleneck on backwards.
Oh, damn.
Yeah, I think that's what it is.
But damn, dog.
No, the futures is going to be like eye toilets or something, or it's like Apple will drop some new thing.
Yeah, I wonder what's going to happen.
It's exciting to think about.
Is it?
Yeah.
Yeah, I hope Apple's listening.
If Steve Jobs' ghost is here, we got to get out of fucking Ouija board.
Wake that motherfucker up, dude.
Where's your eye toilet, you fucking dead guy?
You just press a button and the meal leaves your stomach.
Yeah, you put your phone, like, just put it right against your stomach, and it just fucking absorbs it.
And then it sends it right to Brendan Schaub's mouth.
It just appears.
Brendan Shaub will be like, ooh, boo!
Eating at some fucking stupid restaurant.
And then just shit just fills his mouth like a fucking Italian chipmunk just harboring nuts for the winter.
And he gets back in his leopard skin Miata That he bought for $8 million because he doesn't know how to buy things.
Every time you floor it in there, you can hear an endangered species die, I feel like.
You can hear many special animals kill themselves.
Yeah, dude, it runs on Ebola.
Eboliata.
That's the new fucking car Brendan drives.
No, but I think in the future, everyone will wear like a colostomy bag.
you'll just empty it out.
I think actually having to go to a room to like...
I'm going to go off to a private room and get like liquids or solids out of my body.
It almost seems like you're like a bad magician.
Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it's a trick that everybody knows.
And the trick smells.
Yeah, yeah.
Like if you pull a rabbit out of a hat, it doesn't smell unless the rabbit's dead.
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
That makes sense.
Bad magic, and it's just some guys pulling dead rabbits out of a hat.
How is that not a show?
There's every other fucking show on the air.
It's so stupid.
I was like, quarantining and shit back in the day.
I can't even say that, which is weird.
So yeah, you left out of Columbus and what?
I left out of Columbus and I didn't know what was happening like everybody else.
I was like, what is happening?
And, you know, people were just, it was up in the air.
And then I went and just, they're like, you got to quarantine.
So I came back to LA and got my shit.
And then I went back to Minnesota where I'm from and quarantined in my sister's basement, which is a house that I bought her.
So your basement?
My basement.
I remind her of that every time I step foot in that fucking place.
Anyway, I'll digress on that.
But it was just weird because then it was like there were murder hornets and like all this weird shit kept dropping.
And then I love that the Pentagon revealed that they're aliens.
They're like, no, there's proof.
There's aliens.
People are like, yeah, yeah, yeah, cool.
Anyway, what's going on with this disease?
Like, nobody cared about anything.
Yeah.
They dropped murder hornets on us.
I don't even know what the fuck that is.
Yeah, I feel like they kind of like, it was a time where like they're going to slip other things out while people are heavily.
Yeah, totally.
They're like, oh, they're looking that way.
Dude, there's a lot of like distraction going on.
Well, that comes to my point.
So I was in quarantine and I got.
You're in Minnesota.
And what are you doing there?
Are you working during the day?
Are you doing anything?
Are you doing emails?
I use my fucking mind.
Okay.
So I just sat there and I read books and I got caught up on Netflix shows and I journaled and I caught up with a lot of friends and I did some podcasts and shit or like phoners and stuff.
But I just sat there and like really thought about my life and what I wanted to accomplish in my next chapter.
You know what I mean?
So I didn't drink or anything.
I was fucking sobrikai, dude.
Wow.
Yeah, I didn't fucking.
You were living clean out there.
Now, were you doing a gym?
Were you elliptical in or anything?
No, I just did push-ups.
It was like a kind of a, it was like a prison.
It sounded like you were incarcerated.
Yeah, it was a prison with Netflix.
Your sister's upstairs.
She's upstairs and my nieces and nephews and stuff.
And I was like, just don't even.
Don't come in this sanctuary.
Yeah.
And I took shits, I'm not going to lie.
Yeah.
And the dog would run in and he would watch me poop.
And then he would be like, all right, this is like the third time in like half hour.
He's like, rerun.
Yeah.
And so then I got a message from Expedia and they were like, are you ready for your trip to Key West?
I had fucking forgot that I booked a trip to Key West that December before COVID or anything.
I was like, oh, I've always wanted to go to Key West and just kick it.
You know, I've read Hemingway.
I like the show Bloodline.
So I went to Key West, Florida.
I left there.
Then I went to South Carolina and hung out with Danny McBride for like a week.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, I love Danny.
I almost moved there.
He's like, you got to move here, dude.
And I almost did, but I went down to Key West.
And I was going to go back up to South Carolina, but I stayed in Key West.
I was supposed to be there for 10 days.
I stayed for a year and a half in fucking Key West.
I was there a year and a half.
That's not a joke.
And did you start like a, not a farm, but did you do like a job or something?
Did you get hired anywhere?
Nope.
What?
I just tuned out.
I was just, everything was so fucking bonkers in 2020 that I was just over it, dude.
So I just stayed down there.
And it was so removed from everything.
Like, nobody gave a fuck.
I had no idea what day it was after a while.
And I just stayed.
I just kicked it.
Were you partying?
Were you sailing?
I partied initially and sailed initially.
Yeah.
And then I just fucking had a couple fucking pops and then I would just listen to the song Sailing by Christopher Cross and that was a lot easier.
Sailing.
Sailing takes me away and suck my own dick.
No, but it was awesome though.
Like, nobody was on Twitter.
Nobody was like, yeah.
And was it like were you doing any employment at all?
No, I didn't do shit.
I did nothing.
Did you try to get a job?
Did you fill out any applications?
I was just over it.
I thought about some shit and I was like planning on coming home.
Was that like real estate or what were you considering?
No, I was going to like shave my pubes and just make dream catchers or some shit.
Like that's what Key West is like.
Like after a year, I didn't even own clothes.
I just wore like butterflies.
Is there government down there?
I feel like it's just like basically people down there just like, obviously these people hate Native Americans and everybody because they're trying to get out of America.
Is it a lot of Cubans?
Is it Latino there?
What is it?
It's kind of everything.
I mean, it's local.
It's, I mean, it's, you know, it's a lot of tourists.
It's a big tourist spot, you know, so it's a lot of people driving from Florida.
And there's a lot of fishing.
There's a lot of fishing and there's a lot of like snowbirds.
But it's funny because when I landed, my buddy picked me up and he goes, welcome to the island of misfit toys.
And I go, what does that mean?
He goes, you'll see.
And I didn't know what that meant.
And then after a little bit, I was like, oh, yeah.
Like, everybody's just going rogue, dude.
Like, everyone's got a story.
Everybody that I met was like, yeah, I came down here like on a connection with a flight.
And then I just stayed for like 20 years.
Like, it's just the best like relief.
Yeah, I was on the airline.
They lost my family.
Like, the airline lost your family?
Yeah, I was flying over Key West.
And then I decided, fuck, I'm just going to parachute out of this shit and just open the door.
But it was awesome.
It was just, it was fucking crazy.
I can't believe I was there that long.
Wow, it was so fun!
And I met the coolest people, all the locals are great.
Really?
Yeah.
Now, is there a lot of because you seem like a kind of place where people are sneaking out, they're getting like a lot of times you see on American Greed, the guy ends up down in Key West.
Is there like a lot of hidden, like, people that could have been doing murders or anything like that down there?
I feel like it's a lot of like kind of like, you'll never catch me type of people.
I mean, you know, I didn't, I wasn't like a part of that scene, but I mean, it exists.
It's like the show Bloodline.
Have you seen that?
I saw half the first episode.
The first season is fucking dope.
It is.
But it's a lot of hiding bodies.
I didn't see that.
I mean, I hid a lot of big garbage bags that were really heavy, but I didn't look inside.
Yeah.
So it could have been, I'm just going to say it was a bunch of iguanas.
That's how I'm going to visualize it.
Did you see like – Did you feel?
Did you feel?
I feel like it's a lot of people wearing eye patches and a lot of people like, if you knew what happened, you know, you'd be fine, lad.
You couldn't.
Your motor was a R, you know, I feel like it's like a lot of like.
There is that.
There's like those bars.
Yeah.
Then there's like heavy tourist bars.
And then there's.
Is there a margaritaville?
Yeah.
I'm almost sure there was.
I never went to it.
They have like the margaritavilles, like the fat Tuesdays.
Is there a Chico's?
Is that Fat Tuesdays?
What's the one that's like the big and tall clothing store?
Obese Ricks.
Obese Ricks.
Yeah.
No.
I don't know.
Yeah, yeah.
Big and guns.
Thick Ricks.
Hey, welcome to Thick Ricks.
The guy's just fucking.
He's like a Mr. Potato, heavy on the potato.
Yeah, hey.
Mr. Potato.
Hey, do you mind just pouring some ketchup on my body?
They don't have cologne.
They just have gravy.
They just fucking.
Oh, what are you wearing?
That's a sausage.
That's Stouffer's new cologne.
Yeah, why not?
Oh, damn.
No, but it's one of those places.
Tyson doesn't deodor it.
Oh, my God.
That's amazing.
Oh, my God.
These condoms have real sheepskin in them.
It's chewy.
Oh, man.
Oh, no.
The lamb here is great.
Oh, my God.
This shirt has chocolate chips on it.
Yeah, but it's one of those places where the dive bars, like, I just didn't really go to them because it's kind of like you said, it's one of those things where I was told this, where you walk in and they're like, who are you?
Like, eye patch, fucking eye patchies.
Yeah, some guy takes his eye out of his mouth because it's wet.
It's just gotten wet enough to put back in sockets.
Yeah, it makes it sound like.
Because it's just been sweating.
But yeah, but there's a lot of great bars.
Sandbar is awesome.
It's like the sports bar there.
I was there a lot.
And it's just cool, man.
Did you think you were missing out on the world?
Did you feel that?
Yeah, I mean, I don't know who else did.
I mean, I was there just chilling, but it was perfect because every time I would look at my phone or look at Twitter, it was just, there was always something fucking bonkers happening.
Like, no day was chill.
And it would like stress me out.
And I'm like, oh, God, yeah.
So then I was like, get me the fuck out of here.
Were people down there like in, were they by, is it a lot of people trying to escape the pandemic?
Was it people believing the pandemic?
Was it a lot of like deniers?
Or was it just, what was the vibe down there?
It was a lot of, you know, it was a lot of locals and it's a lot of people that, you know, there were people that kind of believed it and kind of were, you know, not believed it, but like, were like, oh yeah, no, like, you got to be careful.
Right.
I mean, nobody was like reckless.
You know, nobody was walking around sneezing into a fucking megaphone.
Yeah.
But I don't even know what that means.
Sneezes straight into a baby's ass.
Yeah, get that baby butt.
Sneezy Jefferson.
But yeah, no, it was sneeze into him and his arms go like this.
Yeah.
Boink.
And he cries blood out of his ears.
No, no, it was chill.
They took your temperature and people wore masks.
But a lot of people came to Key West to get away from the masks.
And is there, I hear there's a lot of risque sex parties and stuff down there.
Did you see any of that?
I didn't see.
I had heard stuff.
That's kind of one reason why I was intrigued.
I'm not going to a sex party.
Yeah.
Because every party I go to is a sex party.
No.
I hear it's like a real semen-y Mardi Gras down there, you know?
Like that's kind of what you hear.
There are semen fights.
Those break out at Happy Hour.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So it's just, you know, a lot of fucking spider webs.
I'm the king of New York.
But, no, it wasn't as wild.
But also, this is post-COVID.
So pre-COVID, I heard it was a lot crazier.
They have a thing called Fantasy Fest, and they have stuff like that where they're like, dude, there's no rules.
It's just completely insane.
And is Fantasy Fest, is it a gay festival?
No, it's like anything.
It's a lot of like swingers.
Like that was kind of a vibe that I got.
It's a lot of people that are like down, like married couples from Ohio that came down for a weekend.
Oh, they wheel in there.
And now they're just, now they're wearing toilet seats.
And they always have some brother shows up in a Tony Gwynn jersey.
You're like, oh, this dude.
Yeah.
This dude's getting on bass.
And then they're like, is that Manu Bull?
And it just might be.
Rest and peace to both those guys.
They've passed.
Have they?
Yeah.
Yeah, at Fantasy Fest.
They started coming all their organs out because they were fucking so much.
Is that my spleen?
That's my spleen?
That's my spleen.
Yeah.
Sir, you're an organ donor.
Thank you.
You donated to my butt bank.
Oh, yeah.
Jing!
But yeah, it was great, man.
And then I came back.
It like kind of changed my whole view of everything.
So I came back briefly to Los Angeles for a couple weeks to shoot a commercial and just makes it look a little for what is it for Boston Market?
It was for Wendy's.
Uh-uh.
Yeah, it was like just only online.
And then I went back to my place in LA and I got a condo.
It's nice, you know, it's chill.
And I looked at all my stuff and I'm like, why do I have all this stuff?
I don't need this shit.
And I fucking got rid of like so much of my clothes, my shoes.
I got rid of my, like, I had a Rolex, I had a diamond chain.
I got rid of all of it.
All of it.
And I was just like, I don't need it.
And that's what was cool about Key West.
It's like, I was there for that long and I had maybe eight shirts, two pairs of shorts, flip-flops, and a pair of shoes.
Damn.
And I was happy as fuck, dude.
I was like, why do I, I don't need all this shit.
You know what I mean?
It was really cool.
And it really, like, made me realize how much when you just have so much shit.
I got rid of my car five years ago.
Yeah.
And like, the more stuff you have, I mean, I live in a neighborhood where I can walk everywhere, but, you know, I just got rid of shit.
And it was just, I donated it.
You know what I mean?
And it felt cathartic, you're saying?
It was cathartic.
And it's like, if you, if you're out there and you're listening, like, just look around your, you know, where you live at.
Just go like, do I need this?
So need this?
So you have a backup blender?
You don't need that.
Yeah, you don't need a fucking forth fax machine.
Yeah.
You have 40 bath towels?
Yeah.
Yeah, not too much.
You have one body.
Yeah, you have one body.
And I mean, people in QS would be like, oh, yeah, dude, you're still here.
That's dope.
And I go, yeah.
And they're like, dude, do you need another shirt?
And I'm like, yeah.
And they're like, all right.
And we would like barter.
I'm like, here, here's my spleen.
And I'd fucking jerk a spleen under their fucking grill.
But yeah, it was just, it was.
Do you really humming bats down there?
Is it the kind of place where you're jerking off or you save that more for the mainland?
What's going on down there?
Be honest with me.
With what?
Because if I get to island, if I go out to an island, dude, I feel like the first thing I want to do when I get there is spray out, you know?
Just unleash the seed.
Bust 100, son.
Yeah, I mean, it's almost like doing, it's like your own little Christopher Columbus.
It's your own little, whatever that place is called, Chesapeake or whatever.
Where'd they land at?
Plymouth Rock.
Plymouth Rock, dude.
Yeah.
No, I mean, it was.
I played with my Jennies a couple times.
I pretended like my balls were like an island and then my dick was like a palm tree.
So I'd just squeeze it and then make the tree unleash a fucking blizzard.
But yeah, I know.
I fucking teached my jens.
Was it um it was just like whatever the fuck you want to do.
It's like the movie Office Space, which is great.
If you haven't seen it, watch it.
But there's this scene where Peter, played by Ron Livingston, gets hypnotized.
He's like a nine-to-five corporate junkie.
I remember that.
And nine-to-five dude.
And he gets hypnotized and he goes into his zone and has this clarity.
Oh, damn.
And he just, the more he doesn't give a fuck, the more things happen to him that are good.
And there's a scene where his buddy goes, hey, man, Peter, what's going on with you?
And Peter just goes, have you ever done nothing?
It's so much better than you think it is.
And that's kind of how I was because I was, you know, I started comedy when I was 19. And I was immediately on TV and toured my whole life.
And I'm 45. And I was filming and touring and filming and touring.
And I never just stopped and like took a breath.
Because everywhere I went, I would do shows.
So I was always kind of, it's a little stressful, you know?
So it just was constant.
So when I got there, I think that's why I stayed so long because I was just like, oh, I've never just been like, I don't want to go through my emails.
I don't want to check Twitter.
I don't want to go on Facebook.
I don't want to do this.
I just want to like wake up, wave to the fucking sun, go get a fucking cocktail, go to the fucking beach.
It's right there.
It was just so awesome.
And the people were so great.
So cool.
So many cool people.
People struggle.
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Did you learn anything about yourself kind of in that time?
Because it is a real, because I get afraid to take a break sometimes, you know?
Well, I mean, I learned that I, to decompress and to like take care of myself.
And also just, just you know, I mean, like again, being 45, you know, the world just changed so much.
Like, we grew up without social media and grew up without all this shit and all this stuff.
And, like, I said, like, 2020, 2021 were just so, it's just still insane.
But it's like, it was just system overload, essentially.
Yeah.
So I was like, when I was quarantined, I was stone sober, I was like, oh, I want to go back to like reading and like just hanging out with, like, being with myself, you know, and not having stimulus and all these people and all this bullshit.
Would you read?
You reading books, zines?
What were you reading?
I read fucking zines.
I read books.
Yeah.
I read, yeah, I can read.
I think I used to read Outdoor American.
Can you pull that up, Colin?
Don't pull it up.
Unlike Callan and Shaub, I can read.
There you go.
Outdoor America right there.
Budget set up for fall walleye.
Go back to that.
Go back to the dime with the walleye, huh?
And what's the article at the top?
Dude, look at you.
You want to catch her brown eye.
Hey, here we go, huh?
Damn, that's what's up, dude.
That's what's up, dude.
You know what?
Ah!
Ah!
Scared.
Squid.
The old cold water crappy, huh?
Oh, shit.
Wearing how to catch fall crappie, huh?
Grab your crabs.
Question of my life.
And did you do any fishing tours down there?
Yeah, I went out.
Like, everybody there has a boat.
It's like, you want to go on the boat?
And I love the ocean.
I love the water.
It's just, that to me is really cathartic.
Do you jump in the water when you get out there?
You stay in the boat?
No, I walk on the water.
I'm Jesus.
Oh, damn.
Yeah, of course.
Yeah, I get in the fucking water.
It's a trip, dude.
So you go out like way out and it's still walkable.
Yeah.
Like, they're like sandbars, they call them.
Damn.
Yeah, it was cheap.
You really lived it up.
So was there a point where.
I would take naps?
Yeah.
I would take like three naps a day.
It was so awesome.
Dude, I took a nap, I think this is two days ago.
Probably the first nap I've taken in a couple years, maybe.
It was so nice.
It was like only about 14 minutes, but it was so nice.
I feel like it's hard to sleep at night.
It's easier to sleep, get real good rest during a nap.
Do you think that?
Yeah.
I think, I mean, I've learned with all the stuff, like, I've got a holistic doctor and people like that, you know, turn me on to certain things.
And they were like, listen to your body.
They were like, listen, if your body's tired, you should fucking lie down.
Even just 10 minutes, 15 minutes.
Yeah.
You know, if you're hungry, like, eat.
You know what I mean?
If your body's like, hey, I want to eat.
Yeah.
Like, just grab a piece of fruit, grab some fucking veggies.
Damn.
Yeah.
So what brought you back?
Is there, now that you're back in Los Angeles and in a mainland America, do you feel like there's anything that, like, was there stuff that you missed?
Do you feel like you want to do more work?
Do you feel like you want to go back there?
Like, what do you kind of feel now?
I wanted to, I mean, I wanted to retire.
I wasn't planning on coming home.
Really?
And then I met, I mean, every day I would meet fans and take photos.
And they're all like, what are you working on next?
You know, when's your next animal special?
When are you touring again?
Because all my tour dates got canceled because of COVID.
And I realized, then I would go like, oh, I think I'm going to retire.
And then people, the look on their face would be like, what?
I'm like, yeah, I don't know.
I think I might just live here.
And they're like, you can't do that.
And then, you know, like a lot of my friends and people were like, dude, you can't, you're fucking 44 at the time.
You can't just cash in now.
And they were like, you got to like keep going.
And then I talked to my agents and shit and they were like, yeah, where have you been?
And I'm like, they could hear parrots in the background.
And I'm eating a tarantula.
I don't even know what is going on.
And so they're like, just come home, dude.
Just come on, man.
You can't quit.
And I had a, it was frustrating because I had a new special before COVID.
I had all this stuff.
So I took a little bit more time and then I was like, I got to come home.
And then I got offered two movies.
Wow.
I started filming in February.
You do?
Yeah.
And then I'm starting to do stand-up again.
And so I missed it.
What's the movie going to be about?
There are two sequels.
One is a sequel to a movie called The Binge, which is on Amazon, which I had not seen it, but my friend was producing it.
And they offered me the sequel.
And I watch it.
And it's funny, dude.
There's some really funny shit.
Vince Vaughn's in it.
This is a really good cast.
It's about the movie The Purge.
You know that?
It's like a big franchise.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I saw The Purge.
Where one day you can kill people.
This one is, it's in the future, and it's like the world is sober.
And one day, everything's legal.
Every drug, alcohol, everything's legal.
Damn.
Yeah, so it's like...
And then we'll get to this question that came in.
If you had one day, what would you do where everything's legal?
What would I do?
What, drug-wise?
Yeah.
Or anything.
If anything was legal?
Everything is kind of legal.
I mean, if you get away with it, no, I mean, I don't know.
I'm not going to rob a house or kill.
I don't know.
I don't think I could kill him.
I mean.
You got to kill something, you know.
It's not that hard these days to find somebody to kill, I don't think.
I would probably...
My friend killed somebody.
By choice?
Or he just made it oopsie?
I mean, it's, you know, I'm not trying to.
Somebody fell on a gun.
I mean, I'm not trying to, like, you know.
Oh, God.
No, no, no.
He already opened the can of worms, but, you know, some guy accidentally raked himself to death in his own yard.
That's interesting.
He just punched his dick into his ass until he bled out.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Merry Christmas.
Bring that image home to your family.
Oh, bro.
There's been times where I just wanted to climb in my own ass, man.
Yeah.
That's why I mean, I did that in Key West.
And just disappear.
Yeah, you just hide in a little fucking warm cave.
And just reach out with one hand and cut the lights off like that.
Yep.
Hold it.
Just hold it over the hole.
But yeah, so I'm doing that and then a sequel to a movie I did called The Buddy Games with me and Josh DeMell and Dak Shepard, Olivia Munn.
It was a big hit.
It's on video on demand.
it's not a bunch of streaming.
We'll never see it, but you will.
We'll see it on an airplane, probably.
I feel like people move.
It's great at R, bro.
Do you feel like it's interesting how movies now have kind of disappeared?
It's like since the theaters are gone, it's different.
Yeah, but they're coming back.
I mean, movies are still, I mean, I feel bad because a lot of the movies that were like huge movies, like Dune and Ghostbusters, and there was like a handful of them that are being released, but, you know, it just, it fucking was a cockblock.
So my movie Buddy Games was supposed to be in the theaters, and we got C-Block.
Check it out.
I will check out Buddy Games because I like a title like that, Buddy Games.
It's fun, dude.
Yeah, so we're doing a sequel to that.
So I'm filming February.
I would love that.
Dude, I could see you doing like a good movie for you, I think, would be doing like something with Armadillos or like Night Animals.
I've been offered that a lot.
Really?
I'll be joking around.
No, man.
I don't joke about Armadillos.
A lot of people do.
You think you could?
I got offered a porno armadildo.
Did you really?
Damn, dude.
It just comes out at night right under your bum.
Yep, comes out while you're sleeping.
And it's the size of an arm.
Oh, it is.
It has a watch around its neck.
Yep.
Dude, that is some flavor flav right there.
Bro, you know, armadillos can jump really high.
Can we get a video of that, please?
Okay, there's the fucking armadillo.
Look at that bad girl, huh?
Shorty thick, huh?
Don't they?
She looks Mexican, kind of, with her hair like that.
Don't they have like scales or something?
What's on their back?
Don't they fold up into a ball?
Yeah, they do, because I was at a park and I picked it up and I dunked it.
And then this thing died.
It unveiled itself.
Look at that dillo.
I think they go by dillo, huh?
Yeah.
That's what Diplo, the DJ, used to be called Dillo, because he's an armadillo, I think.
Oh, I could see him being that.
I said it that joke.
They're very nocturnal.
Can we see the video of the jumping armadillo, please?
Yeah, that was what we wanted initially.
Not the fucking thing eating leaves or vagina.
Is it standing up?
That's a man.
That's a woman.
That's how bad my vision is.
Ooh!
Ooh!
She tased its pussy?
Huh?
I don't know.
That thing definitely.
Somebody.
Did she tased the labia?
That thing got a tater salad enema right there.
You saw that?
Dang, bro.
Somebody freaking got dipped in the freaking got a little bit of bowl slaw, dude.
We got an armadillo right here, y'all.
Check it out.
I'm going to slow down so we can look at it.
Look at this.
Okay, check this out.
I got this air horn right here.
Oh, that's not cool.
I'm going to see what happens when I blow it at the armadillo.
I can't see what happens.
Oh, I got to go back.
Can we zoom in on the screen some?
Right here?
I'm going to see what happens when I blow it at the armadillo.
That was cool.
Oh, God.
Why is that too?
You know, in the future, they're doing a thing now, and the future is now.
And they're doing a thing where a lot of armadillos, they're getting the scales off of them.
So it's just the body.
And you can...
Isn't that unbelievable?
The way that they're starting to.
Why don't they just get a cat?
They don't want that.
They have to have an armadillo.
Who are these people?
I don't know.
Rich people, probably.
People making your movie, probably.
Brennan Schaub has probably a fucking kennel of our fucking Dillo's.
He's probably painting them.
Rogan has a fleet.
He's got an army.
I'm sure he has a couple.
We had a question, another question about Hollywood that came in.
What else do we got?
What up, Theo?
What up, Swarty?
Yo, what up?
Morning from Phoenix, Arizona.
Yeah, the Phoenix.
Had a little quick question.
Who's more fun to work with?
Jennifer Anderson or David Spade?
To me, they're kind of both equal on the looks.
Both pretty good looking.
Yeah.
Anderson seems sneaky funny, though.
Spade's obvious funny.
Okay.
Depending on the mood you're in.
There we go.
Let's go, Swarty.
Thanks, dude.
I love that you called me Swarty.
That's my nickname.
Dude, I love that the guy A looks like me if I were a little handsomer.
Right.
And that guy moved to Arizona.
He's living kind of a geodirt existence, kind of.
Did you catch that at all?
Yeah, I caught a little bit of dirt there.
Moved to Arizona.
He for sure has a different.
Which is where Spade is from.
He's got a Dillo necklace.
Oh.
Spade and Anison.
Interesting question.
They are both very different.
You're accurate on Anison being sneaky funny.
She's very funny.
She's got better hair than David.
Ooh, yeah.
And hers is very majestic.
David smells like funny.
Yeah.
But David is very funny.
But I'm going to give Aniston the edge because when you're in a scene with Aniston, your eye to eye, when you look at David, you've got to look down.
And he's kind of like a lawn gnome.
Oh, he's got that downhill vibe.
Yeah.
But in a nice way, like a nice, funny little lawn gnome.
What about were you down there when Norm passed away?
Yeah, that was awful.
Norm was one of my best friends.
That was awful.
Really?
Yeah, that was my buddy Todd calling.
I woke up from a nap and I look at my phone.
It's my friend Todd.
I'm like, hey, what's up?
He goes, ah, were you just taking a nap?
And I go, yeah, what's up?
He goes, you haven't checked your phone, have you?
And I go, no.
And he goes, Norm McDonald died.
And I go, what?
No.
And he goes, yeah.
And it was one of the few times in my life I just hung up the phone and immediately started sobbing.
And I sobbed for like a half hour.
I just completely lost it.
He was like really like one of my close friends, and it was like cutting away for a fight, huh?
It was awful, dude.
It was just, and then I found out like he had cancer for a long time, didn't tell anybody, and it was hard.
It's still really hard.
Everyone's pretty shook by it.
Do you remember the last time that you had seen him?
I hadn't seen him for a while.
But the last time I saw him was at a bar by our place.
And he would watch.
He was a big gambler.
But the last time I talked to him, when I was quarantined in Minnesota, I'd text him and I'd go, hey, what's up, dude?
And he goes, what?
Who's this?
And he would do this all the time.
I go, it's fucking Nick, dude.
He goes, ah, Nikki.
What are you doing?
And I'm like, nothing.
I'm quarantined.
And he goes, you didn't stand up?
And I'm like, no, the fuck?
No one's doing stand-up.
And he goes, what's your plan?
And I go, I don't know.
I'm going to kick it here.
And then I think I'm going to go to Key West.
And I go, I might just retire, though, and just move to Reno and just get like a residency.
And then I'll just live in Reno and just work there.
Just be like an old comic.
And he goes, sword of God, he goes, ah, that's a good idea.
And I go, yeah, I don't know, whatever.
He goes, maybe I'll join you.
We'll both headline Reno.
And I go, dude, Reno's fucking a mess.
I go, no, I don't want to do it.
So I go to Key West.
A month later, he calls me.
He goes, hey, what are you doing?
And I go, I don't know.
I'm in Key West.
What's up with you?
And he goes, when are you going to Reno?
And I go, dude, that was a joke.
I'm not moving to fucking Reno and retiring as like a comic.
And he goes, ah, fuck.
I thought it was a good idea.
And I'm like, no.
And so that's the last time I talked to him.
And then his close, close, his closest friend, Lori Jo, I hit her up after Norman passed and I was like, hey, are you doing okay?
And she goes, one of the last things before Norm died, one of the last things he talked about was moving to Reno with you.
No.
Yeah.
And I go, are you serious?
She goes, yeah, he was like, he really wanted to do that.
And I was like, oh, and then that made me cry again.
And yeah, it was just, that was Norm.
It was really, it was awful.
Damn.
I'll tell you, I have so many Norm stories, but this is one of my favorites.
And I was on tour, me, Sandler Spade, Rob Schneider, and Norm was kind of like the wild card.
He would pop in for certain dates.
So we're in, I believe, Mohican Sun in Connecticut, and we're backstage.
Everyone's in Sandler's green room talking and shooting the shit.
And me and Norm are in the hallway hanging out.
And I don't know why to this, this long hallway, and this guy walks in, way down the hallway, walks in the door.
And I'm like, look in.
And, you know, we're always kind of suspicious about people that come backstage.
And I go, I think that guy's a gun.
And Norm goes, what?
And I go, I think that guy's a fucking gun, dude.
And he's like, oh, my God.
And he runs into Sandler's room and he goes, there's a gun.
There's a man with a gun.
And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, there's not.
There's not.
I was like, no, no, no, no, I'm joking.
There's not.
And he goes, no, no, no.
Next day there's a guy with a gun.
And Sandler goes, what the fuck?
There's a guy with a fucking gun.
And Spade's like, oh, no, what the fuck?
What's going?
And I'm like, no, there's no gun.
There's no gun.
I just, I was making like a joke just for Norm.
And Norm's like, what?
How is that a joke?
And I'm like, I don't know.
And Sam was like, Sandler was like, what the fuck is wrong with you?
And I'm like, I don't know, man.
Spade's like, yeah, real cool, man.
And I'm like, I'm just going to go to my room.
And Norm's like, yeah, I thought there was a gun.
I'm sorry.
Nick said it.
I'm like, good lord.
Real buzz.
And the guy walked past who was a security guard.
But yeah.
So he really did have a gun.
He didn't have a gun, but he just looked like somebody that would have a gun.
Yeah, well, people use guns for security, man.
It was just not a good joke on my part, especially poor Norm.
Did you guys ever work together or not?
We did those shows together, and we did like.
Oh, I got a Norm story, too.
You know, we never were on stage together, like fucking Bonnie and Clyde or whoever.
I was at a I don't know.
Clyde drives.
Oh, you can hear a security guard.
He's one of the shitter.
Oh, good.
Yeah, you can hear it.
Bro, he had...
Who norm or the security guard?
Vowel movements.
The security guard here.
And he's a parking attendant, but his shirt says security.
I'm like, that's a sounds like no one's safe from that bathroom.
But he's in there about probably, if I go in there, he's in there one out of two times when I go.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Because he has a problem.
Yeah.
Yeah, he needs an armadillo.
Oh, he needs.
He got that drain.
He does, dude.
He does.
No fucking scales.
Just clean.
No scales, baby.
This bitch is clean, boy.
Damn, I got my baby a damn freaking scaleless dilla, baby.
Damn.
I can't.
Is that a real thing?
Look at it.
People want scaleless armadillos.
You bet I'm looking at titty tonight, son.
Damn, boy.
I'll eat half of my own asshole, son.
Fuck.
It is on, bro.
I will fucking eat a pecan out of my cousin's ass, baby.
You feel me?
Let's go.
Christmas morning.
Let's go, Elvis Presley.
You think you could do a good Elvis Presley impersonation?
I could make an attempt.
Sorry.
I don't know if I would ever use it on anything.
I'll have a bleed.
All right, here I see.
Who let the dog out?
Who let the dog hell over here?
How did you give me a normal deal to work?
Then he dies.
He doesn't do stroke.
Oh, damn, dude.
He's a dark impression.
And that's, uh, who is that?
That's Benedict Cumberbatch.
Who is that?
Yeah.
That was Benedict Cumberbatch doing Elvis Presley.
And that was Steven Segal.
And that was Aaron Gonzalez.
Was that your Aaron Gonzalez in person?
Yeah.
That's correct.
Go pass.
No, so I went to I had to go to this casino one time with Norm, right?
Cowden.
He was playing on the show.
Adam Egot was there, and I somehow got booked in the feature, right?
So Norm's headline.
And I felt like Norm was on pills, or he was a little bit lit.
But I don't know if that's true.
Some people say he never did any drugs.
I don't know.
He seemed like he was off.
He took pills.
But he could have been, yeah, he could have just been having a...
Right, so who knows?
I don't even know.
But this is when I was alive and, you know, in my past.
So what happened was I go on stage and I ran the light.
Right?
And it was literally in a barn, like attached to a casino, like the place where you could hear, like, there were like live births.
Like, there was a lot going on, you know?
Oh, from animals or people?
I mean, who knows?
You know, thick thing.
You just heard the sludge.
Oh, you heard.
You heard some pussy sludge.
You let the bodies hit the floor.
There was nobody catching these things that were being born.
You know, it was just a lot of people.
They were skinny falling.
They were free falling.
And then they would hit the ground.
A lot of skinny puppy, you know?
A lot of babies that were fart-powered.
Oh, yeah.
That's my son, you know?
Oh, a little robo fart?
Just that kind of.
So who books this gig?
Helen Keller?
So anyway, he goes out there and he is like, you can barely even hear him.
It's bad.
He's just kind of garbling his words, right?
Right.
So anyway, the next day, we're all downstairs.
Jerry Mathers is there, too.
Okay.
What?
No.
Swear.
Jerry Mathers is Beaver from Leave It to Beaver.
Bring up a picture of Jerry Mathers, please.
Also, that's a real show for all the kids out there.
Leave it to Beaver.
It's called Leave It to Beaver.
Yeah.
And Beaver was like the rascal son, right?
Oh, all shows are porns now, right?
There he is, right there.
Yeah.
And what the fuck was he doing?
Giving birth?
Eddie Haskell?
I mean, bro.
That's the same show.
And yeah, Netty Haskell died recently, R.I.P., very sad.
I'm not sure what it was.
I think it was Miss.
He lived in a nice neighborhood.
I think it was Miss Applebaum or whatever.
Whoever the teacher was, he was always at odds with, you know?
Yeah.
Miss Crab Apple or whatever it was.
But anyway, so I get up.
I get up there.
Oh, in the morning.
Oh, so Mathers is there, right?
And I said to him, I was like, he's like, I was just talking.
I was a huge fan.
I had signed, I bought an autographed picture of him when I was a kid.
I had it on my wall at home.
I had a Jerry Mathers autographed picture of my wall at home.
That is gross.
Because his name was Theodore and my name Theodore.
Oh, that's right.
So I was just keyed in, right?
So anyway, God, I wish this story would end.
You were like, leave it to Sleazer, dude.
So anyway, fucking thrown on your fucking eggnog.
He's face.
Where do you live?
I said, I live in Santa Monica.
He goes, I used to get some pussy in Santa Monica.
That's exactly what he said, bro.
So right there, I'm a little shook.
I'm excited.
You know, I'm still excited that it's him, but I'm a little shook.
But anyway, in the morning, Norm's downstairs.
We'll have to play in this poker tournament that's part of the weekend deal, the package.
And Norm's like, man, a lot of hot chicks here, huh?
I'm looking around.
It's like, nobody's, nobody's hot in this area, right?
There hasn't been anybody hot here.
If somebody here were hot, you would know about it immediately.
They'd be on a calendar.
They would be on the news.
Yeah, they would be on the news.
Yeah.
Dead earlier.
Yeah, they would be on the news, bro.
Yeah, if a decent strand of jeans passed through this town, the fucking fire alarms would go off, right?
There has not been.
They would be up from the news to a milk carton in like a week.
There has not been a unique strand of GTAC to roll through this area since fucking what?
Norm was definitely on pills if he was like looking around here.
Ah, there's some tail here.
So I thought he was serious, right?
Because I don't really know him.
I'm like, yeah, man, there definitely is.
And then he goes, fuck no, there isn't.
And it just shook me.
That's so him.
That's amazing.
He like baited me into believing that he was.
Yeah, and then fucking pulled the rug out.
Dude, he was.
Fuck no, there isn't.
It's so hard because you never know.
I mean, I was one of his good friends for a long time.
I'm talking like 15 years.
Wow.
And I still was like, I could kind of gauge, but sometimes I was like, what is he saying?
Right.
But he was out of his, out of this world.
And did he chase a lot of women?
Did he have a wife or anything?
No, I never met a wife.
He has a son, Dylan, who's really cool.
So he must have did sex once, at least.
I mean, I never saw, he was addicted.
He was a big gambler, dude.
Really?
He loved gambling.
He was gambling.
He had a bit.
He always had so many gay jokes, but I never knew him to be gay or anything.
But he had a joke.
He was on Letterman.
Or no, it was Conan.
And he goes, he is promoting his book.
And he goes, yeah, it's not a memoir, but it's just a book.
And he goes, you know, I don't talk about being deeply, a deeply closeted gay man.
And Conan goes, what?
You're gay?
And he goes, what?
No.
Why'd you say that?
And he goes, well, you just said, he goes, no, I'm deeply closeted.
And he goes, so you're not gay?
He's like, no, no, I'm straight as an arrow.
And he goes, and then he goes, and I'm paraphrasing, forgive me, but he goes, you know, deeply closeted means the guy was gay, but he's so gay, he won't admit it.
He hides it.
And he's like, yeah, no, I'm straight.
It was such a fucking good bit.
Again, I fucking paraphrased it, but it's on YouTube.
That's funny, man.
Yeah, he was great.
Yeah, I watched one of his clips when he was on, I think, The View.
Did you see that clip?
No.
When they're trying to get him to, like, he's trying to be very realistic.
The show's like ultra-liberal, and he's just trying to be just a realist.
Like, yeah, that's how he was.
Yeah.
And they're like, they won't, they're like, you'll never be back on this show.
They're all joking about it and stuff.
And he wouldn't because he wasn't like just kind of conforming to whatever.
Like, I don't know, just some ridiculous story.
Why would they have him on?
I don't know.
That's so weird.
Like, he's so not.
I can see him doing it, like, if they offered it to him, but I can't.
Here we go.
Let's get a little bit of it.
That the Democrats don't steal the election from the winner, you know, but who knows?
You like George Bush, don't you?
I love George Bush, man.
He's a good man, decent.
You know, none of this.
He's not a liar or a crook murderer or anything like that, so it would be good to get the...
I think we should just go on to the next question.
Murderers.
Well, Clinton murdered a guy.
Yeah, you know, you're not supposed to put out some accusations without the way it does work.
Let's just go on to the next question.
This is not my week.
What can I tell you?
Oh, it's not mine either.
I'm being very nice, okay?
Be a good boy.
Now, Norm?
Did you ever hear that?
No.
Listen, we don't need to want to get into this.
And I don't want to hear it.
And this is not the place to make those accusations.
And you're supposed to be funny.
Let's come on, Brady.
There you go.
This is a lie show.
That's why.
Norm, but you have been properly chastised by Barbara Hall.
Now, boy, do I have to be next?
I thought it was a matter of record.
Look, Baby, let me do this, okay?
They don't even want to talk about the fact that maybe the game works.
Next talk football.
All right, man, slider.
He's doubling down.
Yeah, don't have.
Norm doesn't play by rules, dude.
That's hilarious.
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I think comedians don't kind of, do you think that there's a thing?
Like I noticed this the other day.
I was driving with a friend of mine and there was the traffic was all backed up, right?
Right.
And I just go around.
Like it's the interstate.
Like there's, you know, 700 cars in line.
I just go to the outside area where it's not a street, you know?
Yeah.
And just go.
And my friend's like, I just think that he's a comedian.
This guy, John Christ, and he's like, I think that's just what comedians do.
He's like, I think you just see, you don't want to do whatever the conformity is, you know?
Yeah, I mean, I think that's initially like how it's the genesis of comedy is going against the grain.
Like when I was in school, when I was a kid, I just would go rogue to make people laugh.
You know, so you're going against the grain and authority in that sense.
And some, you know, I think a lot of comedians, even if they don't do it on stage, they, you know, they kind of go rogue.
Yeah.
But I mean, that's how I was.
And that's when I was in Key West, again, for a year and a half.
People were like, like, I'm of the ilk of like, if somebody tells me I can't do something, I'll be like, fuck you.
Yeah.
So when people are like, well, you can't just stay in Key West.
And I go, yeah, I can do whatever the fuck I want.
And all these people are doing that.
And I'm like, you know, you're making it way worse when you keep telling me that I can't do that.
And I just, my family and my friends are like, so I mean, I don't understand.
So you're just going to just stay there?
And I'm like, if I want to, yeah.
Like, yeah, fuck you.
Yeah.
Fucking doing whatever I have with my life.
You know, I'm not hurting anybody.
I'm like just chilling on an island.
Do you, uh, do you, do you think you'll retire there?
Do you have a retire spot?
Is a retire like a real thing?
I mean, I might.
Yeah, I really loved it.
I really, really loved it.
And it was cool.
They said a really nice thing to me.
Because like after a while, you know, at first people were like, Nick Swartzen, what the fuck are you doing here?
Yeah, and there was a bar and they had like a celebrity like Wall of Fame, and they had pictures of people who had been there.
And I was like, oh, and I'd been in QS for a while.
And I go, hey, do you want, do you want my picture?
And the guy who managed it goes, no, man.
And I go, what do you mean?
He goes, because you're just Nick.
You're a friend Nick.
We don't look at you like an actor or comedian.
You're just our buddy Nick.
And he goes, everybody kind of thinks that on the island.
Like, you're just Nick.
And it was like, really cool.
And like, that's why I loved it.
And like, I'd walk down the street and people would be like, hey, Nick.
And I'm like, hi.
It's like, awesome.
That's cool, man.
And they have a lot of dogs, which I like.
Like, they let dogs in bars.
Yeah.
So you'd go to like a bar and there'd be like seven dogs.
It'd be so exciting.
And if you can't even talk to anybody or somebody's just, you can't, if somebody's just impossible to talk to, you just pet, start petting stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I knew people's dogs' names more than which is weird.
And is it, did you feel near that?
I feel like it's just, It's not like a good beach in Key West.
Is that true?
There's not like a great beach.
There's like one or two.
How do you have beat Key West and not have a beach though?
No, it is weird.
And that's kind of a misconception because I was the same way.
I'm like, where are the fuck?
Like, you can make things beach, bro.
Where's the thigh tied up?
Well, the big thing is.
I'm ready to see some fucking hips slam against each other.
Oh, yeah.
I know what you're saying, man.
I showed up and I'm like, where's that fucking...
I'm ready to sniff some fucking bunk out here.
Yeah, I want to fucking shoot a cumbrella.
Just fucking shoot it up and everybody gathers on the fucking beach.
But no, it's a lot about going out on the boat.
That's where the big thing is.
And you go out to sandbars and there's beaches out there.
And so like boating is a big thing.
Everybody's got a boat and they got a golf cart too.
You travel by golf cart.
Oh, I like that.
Which is fucking dope as shit.
And is there a lot of nudism out there?
I also hear it's like a nudist colony.
Is there some of that?
No.
There's not a nudist colony.
Could you do it?
One of my sisters did drugs one time and climbed up to a nudist colony on accident.
She was mountain climbing with a friend.
She said she was.
She was on drugs.
Those should not go together.
Drugs and mountain climbing.
And they climbed up to some place.
What drug was it, do you know?
I mean, if it's cocaine, you're like, oh, then.
I don't know.
I think it was a smokable drug, but not weed.
So something.
But she goes, yeah, and she doesn't even tell like a funny story.
She's like, we went climbing, and next thing you know, we had to have lunch at that nudist colony.
Apparently they got to like some place where they had like some nudes up there.
On top of a mountain?
Or like at a flat area that's along like by a mountain.
You know what I'm talking about?
A prolapsed asshole.
I mean, yeah, it could be.
I think that's what it's called.
Damn, the old P-lapse, huh?
That's fucking weird.
So did they have to get naked?
I don't think so.
She fucking did.
I bet she did.
If she was high on some fucking Jerry Mathers.
Fucking shit, dude.
She was fucking higher.
Hopefully she had that little front skunk out.
You know what I'm saying, bro?
What is that?
I don't know.
This is my sister.
Can we not talk about this, dude?
You fucking brought her up, dude.
You're fucking drug.
You're drug addict extreme.
You're the one who's trying to lead the country to an island that's not even an island.
What do you mean trying?
I went to the fucking thing, and it is an island, but they built a bridge so people from Miami can fucking OD.
It's not an island then, man.
It's an island.
Dude, an island.
You can't get there, bro, unless you meet a man who fucking runs a smoothie business and has a boat, dude.
Now you're man-islanding.
It's like mansplaining, but it's fucking...
That could be.
Why can't it be a Lesbo?
I'm sure there's some hearty men.
Dude, I uh let's see if another video question came in.
Anything else here we got for Nick?
See, I'm gone two years and now I'm not in demand anymore.
Oh, we got a ton of them.
Oh, look at fucking Gary.
Is this written that?
Video, Nick, to the power of two.
I just wanted to ask you guys, what was the most influential sports moment you guys have seen either live or on television that really got you up out of your chair, got your vocal cords going?
For me, it was the Seattle Seahawks beating the Packers in the NFC Championship in like overtime.
But they don't win anymore, so it's kind of hard to get a little chatty at the end, but seemed like a nice guy.
Thank you, Kyle Rittenhouse.
Kyle's a dude that's going to like...
I think so.
That guy, it seems like the dude who's like, when you're too drunk at the party, he's like, I'm not drinking, man.
I'll take you home.
Yeah.
He'll give you a ride.
He's like, sober cab, dude.
Yeah.
That's a compliment.
That's like safe friend, dude.
Yeah.
That's safe friend.
He's the guy who would get murdered by somebody for being a nice guy, you know?
Yeah, he's the guy that like, oh, that guy's got a flat tire.
And then they pull over to help him.
And then the tire iron just goes.
Next thing you know, and his jaw's fucking Alcatraz.
Yeah.
Next thing you know, you got a flat heart, bro.
You got a flat heart rate.
Your brain just ran out of air, dude.
You got PSY, dude.
Nobody fucking knows.
Why try to flex seal this shit, dude?
I just put a cannon on the way here, man.
Did you really?
I have 50 PSI right now, one of my tires.
That bitch is ready to bust.
Oh, dude.
Yeah.
Oh, to answer your question, the last time I lost my mind, I was in Denver when I was supposed to do those shows.
And I was at the bar at the hotel.
And I'm watching the Vikings play the Saints in the playoffs.
I'm a big Vikings fan of Minnesota.
And they fucking did that crazy catch, Casey Keenum, to Stefan Diggs.
And the bar was full, and nobody's watching the game because it's Denver.
So I'm watching it, and I'm like, oh my God.
And then I've rarely done this.
I just started screaming, and I fell down on my knees, and I put my hand over my head.
And I was like, oh, my God.
And I started to tear up.
And then everybody thought that I was having like a problem, like a heart attack or like an aneurysm.
So people are like, whoa, whoa, man.
Hey, hey, hey.
And then the bartender who I know, I've stayed there for fucking ever.
And he was like, no, no, no, no, he's from Minnesota.
They just scored like a crazy fucking play, like all-time insane.
And everybody was like, oh, Jesus.
And I was like, no.
I just lost my shit.
I really lost it.
That's one of the biggest I've lost.
What about you?
You're a Saints fan, aren't you?
Aren't you saying?
Are you sinking?
I can't hear you.
My other favorite was against the Saints, and Kyle Rudolph called it a touchdown.
And so I'm the only one.
Woo!
Who dat?
Dude.
Who dat?
That's a guy in your living room next week.
And then the Vikings blow it, so it all evens out.
I, you know what?
I was pretty burned.
That was one of the worst moments ever as a Saints fan, for sure.
Yeah, that had to be awful.
I paused the game for the fourth quarter.
It was literally, I think, three and a half minutes left.
And I stopped the game because I had to do my podcast because I had to get it out for the next day, right?
So towards the end of the podcast, I figure I'm just going to watch the end of the game when I get done.
We're up by 10. You know, we're up by 10. And you guys had the ball.
So I was like, oh, we got this.
We're going to move on to the next round.
And then my brother called.
I saw him kept calling.
So I actually put the call into the episode.
And I was like, what's going on?
He's like, man, you just, you're not going to believe this.
And we might even be able to, maybe we can put the clip in.
If we do, it'll be right here.
But he's like, they did some type of play and the angle the defensive guys had.
It just, and we lost the game.
And I'm like, how did we fucking, it was impossible.
And then you went to your DVR and we're like, hello, darkness, my friend.
Well, we didn't even do a crazy pick.
Everybody hurt.
He just went low and Stefan jumped over him where he should have just gone in full body.
He just tried to do like a little, I think it's called a Falcon Crest.
Yeah.
And yeah.
I felt bad for the defenders.
I did too.
That shit was horrible.
The best play I've ever seen.
I was there when Kobe scored 81 points, I remember.
That was kind of an interesting time.
That's the only Laker game I've ever been to, actually.
And what else, dude?
Oh.
You know, Sandler's making a movie about Sean Payton.
Kevin James is playing Sean Payton.
I almost gotten in the beach.
I should have gone in for that shit and played Sean Payton's wife or something.
I should have.
Or his concubine.
Ooh, I like that.
I don't know if he has a concubine or not.
I could have played Alvin Kamara, maybe.
You played Drool Breeze if I'd have been in a freaking wheelchair.
What?
Drew Breeze is dope.
No, Drool Breeze.
Say if Drew Breeze got hit by a car or something.
Oh, like an alternate universe.
You're just going to change the whole storyline.
Yeah, an alternate universe.
He got named Drool Breeze.
Yeah, and he still plays.
I mean, he's like, they want him to play, but he can't, you know.
But he still does, because he's Drool Breeze.
He's like the Stephen Hawking of footballers, kind of.
Right.
He's like, left Blue 52, Blue 52. And he just has a t-shirt cannon instead of like an arm.
So he's just like, and just shoots the ball.
Every place is a Hail Mary.
That would be a fucking amazing movie.
Dude, we just wrote a fucking hit movie.
Oh, we're good.
Yeah, I actually, I got a free to go in.
I didn't go in.
I should have, probably.
You canceled it because you had a podcast?
Probably.
Because podcast is in my control.
It's like, I like to do stuff that's in my control.
I actually might start a podcast.
Really?
Yeah.
Everybody's just been telling me, they're like, why don't you do one?
And I'm like, I don't know, because it's hard doing the road and filming.
So it'd be nice to just do a pod.
Did you get plastic surgery while you were down there?
No, why?
Your eyes look more like magnetic kind of.
I got magnets in my eyes.
Is that what you mean?
Oh, that could have been it.
Yeah.
Yeah, they injected magnetism.
Really?
Are you an evangelical Christian?
Correct.
Damn.
Yeah, I'm also an X-Men now.
Ooh.
Yeah.
Oh, you mean you got this sexual reconstructive surgery?
Correct.
Yeah.
And then also I have magnets in my eyes.
Oh, damn.
So if there's somebody's a robot near me, my eyes go right on their dick.
Or vagines and z.
Yeah, it's exciting.
Do you think we'll still have comedy in the future, Nick?
Do you think that this is something that's going to be around for a while?
You know, you start to see a comedian died the other day.
This guy, Matt Billen.
Matt Bilan.
Byland, I think.
I don't know.
Matt Bylin.
What prompted do you think comedy will be around in the future?
Yeah, I don't know.
Why'd you say that?
When are people going to not like laughing?
Well, because here's what's happening.
Robots.
Well, they have so much they can create everything now.
So it's like at a certain point, you're still going to need people when they could just create a bot of a human.
You know what I'm saying?
Comedy bot?
Or what do you mean?
Well, like, they're just starting to create.
So anyway, this comedian that passed away, Matt Bylon, Bylon, Billone, Billone, maybe Bylon.
Right.
I looked the other day.
I went on Facebook.
I put Matt Billone death, right?
Because I was just trying to find out what had happened to him.
I just heard.
And there were all these articles that were written, but they were written by bots.
So it's like, oh, that's interesting.
Now, like, because some of it didn't make sense.
It would have like some information and then like a ad for like Zales like written right into the typing.
You know what I'm saying?
Right.
It's gross.
But it's like five of the six things I even found about him passing away were written by bots.
Why don't you just call somebody that's a comic?
Right, I agree, but it just isn't that stand-up comic yet?
But yeah, but it's just interesting that inform, like, bots are writing articles now.
And some of the articles, it was information without the zay.
Yeah.
No.
Well, that's like no discount, but you got the information.
But that's like the thing about Instagram, too, is like I would meet people or friends of mine that are like whatever personalities.
But I would look on their Instagram.
I'm like, they have 200,000 followers.
I'm like, that's fucking crazy.
I didn't know they were fucking crushing it that hard.
Yeah.
And then I would like click on a photo.
I'm like, oh, it's a cool photo.
And there'd be all these comments.
And I would like click on them.
I'm like, but they would be like, hey, awesome picture.
Have a great day.
And all these like comments where I'm like, who the fuck is this?
And I would click on it.
And then a couple of my friends I called out.
I'm like, bro, there's who is Zbop Zozo Z?
Like somebody.
And they'd be like, oh.
You're not even using my holes.
That's what it'll say.
Something like that.
And you're like, what?
That would be amazing if there was a system that would sell you bot comments, but it was just they could say whatever they want.
Yeah, I feel like it's a lot of bots out there.
I just fucked your mom.
What do you think comedy will be like in the future?
I mean, where do you see it?
Do you think it'll always be around, or do you think...
Stand-up comedy.
Yeah, of course.
Because there's nothing like seeing a live show.
There's just nothing like it.
Yeah.
When you see a comic live, you know, you don't know what's going to happen.
It's fucking awesome.
But what about all those people that died at that one event recently?
You see that thing, that Travis Scott thing?
Was he doing stand-up?
No, he was just singing, but...
Those people got crushed.
I saw a video of that at a soccer match in England, and it's one of the worst.
I wish I could unsee it.
And it was a fucking mob pushing against the gate, and it was like a fucking, almost like a cheese grater.
These people were just smashed, and they all, like tons of people died.
It was awful.
That's just so sad.
That's why, like, I don't want to have kids, dude.
I don't want to send them off to a fucking concert.
And then they're dead.
What concert were you taking them to?
What was your first concert?
Radio Hood.
Oh, really?
Yeah, it was dope.
What the hell am I doing here?
Yeah.
God, they were good.
It was at a small club, Prince's Club called First Avenue.
I mean, it's not small, but it's like, you know, 300, 400 people.
And their new album, The Bens, is just that place or no?
It's not Bunkers, but Bunkers is dope.
I went to Bunkers a couple weeks ago.
Oh, yeah, you were just there.
But yeah, and so I saw my buddy.
He's like, you want to go see this band Radiohead?
And I'm like, do they sing that song creep?
And he's like, yeah, I'm like, all right.
And he goes, yeah, they have a new album called The Bens.
And we went and it was fucking insane.
Yeah.
And then I was like, hooked on going to concerts.
That's the thing about live shows with comedy.
Like, support like your clubs and go see live comedy.
Yeah, there's nothing like it.
It's so fun.
There's nothing like it.
There's nothing like it.
And you might find a little fucking diamond in the rough.
Yeah.
Like I used to bring comics that I would meet that were funny that were funny as shit, you know?
Oh, yeah.
Like I had Zach Alfanakis open for me.
I had like a lot of people that you don't know what you're going to see.
It's like a band when you go, oh, that band's great.
And somebody would be like, oh, yeah, I wanted to bring you to the concert.
Like, I saw the white stripes, you know, there.
Oh, yeah.
Fucking dope.
And I was really hip to music back then.
I had two tickets to the white stripes at the L-Ray.
It's a great venue.
It was like a third full.
Like, this is just before they broke.
But I knew him.
I was fucking hip as shit, dude.
Yeah.
And I went and it was, like I said, third full.
Wow.
And I couldn't even give the ticket away.
I'd call people.
And then years later, my friends would listen to him and I'm like, yeah, I had the ticket.
I called you.
Yeah, you didn't care.
And then I fucking took a brick.
Measure in your head.
Smashing in your head.
Brick to the eye, dog.
Let's see one more question that came up, man, and then we'll get you out.
Oh, wow.
I just came here in.
Help!
Is it Christmas already?
What's the question?
This guy's doing well right here.
See, this is what I'm talking about, this COVID video.
Yo, what up, Nick and Theo?
It's your boy Dan calling from up here in northern Maine.
Nick, I got a would you rather for you?
Okay.
Would you rather be able to read people's mind, or would you rather be able to see into the future?
Theo, appreciate you.
Love you, baby.
Gang.
Gang, baby.
Thank you.
Northern Maine.
I hope to go to Bangor sometime in May.
That's one of the only states I've never been to.
Let me answer your question.
See into the future.
How far into the future?
We gotta work on that.
Read people's minds.
The future would kind of freak me out.
The mind I could kind of learn from, but the future, I don't know if I want to know the future.
Yeah.
Because that's.
But again, how far into the future?
So let's fucking work on that.
But I'm going to go with now.
Fuck it.
I'm going to go with Reading The Future.
Because if you read somebody's mind, it couldn't be literal.
Sometimes I'll just think of weird shit.
Yeah, what if the guy's an idiot and you're stuck with him forever?
Or what if this?
What if it's Brennan Chaub?
Yeah.
Brennan's a friend of mine.
But it's only two paragraphs.
Yeah, you're like, damn, this month.
He's just like, dude, what?
Oh, you're cold, dog.
I'm going after those guys.
Oh, dude, those guys look like.
That's our fucking job.
Bro, those guys, fucking, Brennan Schaub literally looks like a fucking love seat.
Bought a Corvette.
That's what he looks like.
He looks like if White Claw were a person, like the drink White Claw.
Yeah, he looks like the abominable White Clawman.
That's what he looks like.
We love Brian and Brennan.
He looks like Paul Bunyan's gay little son, dude.
He looks like Paul Dudd.
Like he'll fucking just axe you.
He'll just axe right through his own butt.
He'll axe body spray you to death.
All right.
I got Rolo.
Yeah.
I think we covered it, man.
So is it safe to say that you're back in the business?
I think so.
I think I'm back.
So I'm just getting it all together right now.
Fucking sober Kai again.
Are you?
Yep.
How long have you been sober for?
Two months.
Wow.
Congratulations, man.
Actually, you know what?
We have one more question.
Since that, I know one of the questions that came in that was good.
Let's get it in here.
What's up, Theo?
What's up, Nick?
This is Paul from Virginia.
I know both you guys in the past have struggled with drugs and alcohol.
And myself as well fell victim to the dark arts recently.
And I'm going Into residential rehab here in a couple days.
So I was just curious if you guys had any advice for someone trying to achieve long-term sobriety.
Thanks, gang, gang.
Gang, baby.
Okay.
I mean, do you want to take it or do you want me to jump in first?
I think whatever.
And we can also, if you, I mean, I just feel like this is we could try to just share anything or experience, you know?
I mean, it's tricky.
It depends upon, A, is it drugs and alcohol?
Drugs, which drug?
You know what I mean?
I've done every drug.
You've probably done every drug.
Yeah, I think I have.
I never smoked crack.
I've smoked crack.
You have?
Yeah, I haven't done heroin.
I haven't done heroin either.
I always wanted to smoke crack.
I did it like kind of on accident.
Yeah.
I only did it once, and I was like, oh, it's this.
And then I was like, what?
And then they're like, that's crack.
And I'm like, why?
I can't feel my lips.
You can hear the trainer coming.
That's what I hear.
I just hear it's all aboard, dude.
That crack train, boy.
I know, Sprayhound, too, dude.
Welcome all aboard the Spray Hound.
You will just start.
I mean, I heard you can't even stop just the E-Jack from coming out of you.
I don't know.
I just, I did it.
I just got an accident once and I was like, I don't want to do that.
Accidental crack?
Yeah, I was like, I got fucked up.
Somebody handed me a pipe.
It was fucking glass.
And I thought it was fucking, there was some white shit in it.
And I'm like, oh, what's this thing?
I want to smoke till my fucking wife and kids are gone.
That's what I want to do.
I mean, yeah, why not?
But yeah, it was a crack accident.
Yeah, it was.
Let's go.
Well, no, it's take this seriously.
But yeah, I mean, you know, it really depends upon you.
And, you know, I'm not a fucking doctor, but in my experience, which is kind of what you asked, it's tricky.
I mean, and that's an understatement, but you've got to just really, I had to pull back a lot because I've been hospitalized a couple times for alcohol.
And I had to really get a grip on what I wanted out of my life and really take time for myself.
And, you know, it sounds corny, but love yourself and appreciate yourself and the people that care about you.
And just look at the big picture.
And it's, you know, I've seen a lot of people go the opposite and not make it out.
You really have to figure out what you want to do.
I mean, do you, I don't know.
That's a really messy answer.
No, I think that's a good point.
That's a great answer, I think.
Because that really determines it.
It's not up to any invisible power.
I mean, it could be up to God if you need to find a higher power to help you.
But yeah, I think trying to have some semblance of what your goal is for yourself.
Because a lot of times I find if I'm not, if I'm goalless and I don't have any real intention, then I'm much more likely to fall into the dark arts, really, for me.
You know, if I'm just letting the world affect me, however, and I don't have a plan every day when I kind of wake up, then, of course, I'm going to fall prey to whatever.
And there's a lot of dark forces out there, man.
You know, freaking everything, man.
Yeah, anything will pull you in.
It's really, I mean, in my experience, I've gone back and forth with alcohol.
And I've been on podcasts and talked about it.
I've been hospitalized and whatnot.
And I finally just had to find a reason and goals, like Theo said, where I'm like, you know, this is what I want to do.
You got to care about yourself and stuff like that.
And drugs are different.
So I don't know what drugs you're into.
But in my experience, it was alcohol.
And drugs, drugs just, that just made me feel like shit.
Like when I did Coke, you know, a handful of times.
You've had the fucking time.
Or a handful.
They have, yeah, a handful many times.
But, yeah, it's...
That stuff will really.
My God.
Don't do that.
You will start at the back of an animal, Sonny, and get to know it.
But you've got to want to help yourself.
You really do.
Like, if you, you know, just reach out, seek help if you need it.
But you really, really, really, it comes down to you and wanting to get help and get off that shit, man.
And it's easier said than done, but I've been down that road.
And sometimes it takes a wake-up call.
And I had a couple.
And sometimes you fucking don't wake up.
A lot of my friends, you know.
I mean, you've had friends who have died.
I've had half of the comedian friends I know.
I mean, it's just, it's just sad.
Especially during the pandemic.
It's been a tough time for a lot of people.
Yeah, I think, look, yeah, I mean, I find that 12-step has helped me.
You know, I'm just a little bit more.
Everyone's a girlfriend.
Yeah.
I'm thinking about going to a place in January for a couple weeks just to even just get, I'm not even struggling or anything right now, but just to have some time for myself to take care of myself.
You know, I've spent so much time working as well.
It's like I've never sat and thought what's even going on in my life or what do I want?
Do I want me a family or something?
Get me a little armadillo.
Yeah, give me a little armadillo, bro.
Something for your arm, you know?
Or armadillo, you know?
Armadilla.
So, yeah, get a couple.
Damn.
Well, good luck, man.
Hang in there.
It's a process, dude, but you just really just, you can do it.
Yeah, you can do it, man.
Here's the thing.
Other people have done it.
So you can definitely do it.
Yeah, you'll meet a lot.
You'll meet a ton of people.
It's more than you think of people that have struggled with abuse.
So, you know, reach out and be well, man.
Yeah.
Good luck, man.
You got this, bro.
You got this.
Some residential treatment.
All right, man.
Nick Schwartzen, welcome back.
Welcome back to the world, baby.
Yeah, good to be back.
And we'll put you up on social so people can find you and all of that.
And, man, I'm excited to see you back on stage and stuff.
I know.
I'm interested to see what's going to happen.
Two years is a long time.
Yeah, it is, man.
Rock the mic.
It's awesome, though.
Gang, baby.
Gang, gang.
Now, I'm just feeling on the breeze.
And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it in my bones But it's gonna take a little time For me to set that parking brake And let myself unwind
Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song I will sing it just for you And I
I've been moving way too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of pants.
And these wheels that I've been riding on, they're walls so thin that they're damn near gone.
I guess now they just were built to land.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
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