Kyle Dunnigan talks with Theo about breastfeeding as a child, going in for your first kiss, the possibility free will doesn't exist, starting a comedian fight club, and more!
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Today's guest is really just a patented individual.
This man is a patented style of creative.
And I think if God could have patented him, he would.
And so I'm just so happy to hear.
I'm so happy to have him here today.
He's already making me laugh, and he's not even here yet.
But he has so many great characters.
You have to check out his YouTube channel.
We will put it below as the first link for you to please go and check out.
You know him from his Fresh Prince of DC on YouTube, his Craig's News Live.
You know him from his impersonations of the Jenners and the Daddy Mama and whoever, I can't remember, Caleb Jenner and all of those people.
And what I'm telling you, the Kardashians.
What I'm telling you today is we have Mr. Kyle Dunnigan.
For me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind.
Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song I've been singing.
I'll just go.
I'll be moving.
We probably have similar kind of maybe genetic hair planets.
Yeah, well, you're from I think we're from the same type of community.
From Louisiana?
No, I mean old country community like English area Italian.
Is this you?
I'm Polish Nicaraguan, but really?
Yeah.
Okay.
Different.
Somebody fucked on a boat probably to get me.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
That's not really a land animal, but it's a strong mix, though.
Yeah.
I don't know if it's good.
Hey, Kyle, can I have you pull the mic a little bit closer?
Yes.
We kind of do a soft start.
We're rolling.
Yeah.
Oh, I like to soft open.
Yeah.
You were late.
I'm a never late, by the way.
Are you really?
Yes.
Like, I am upset.
I'm late.
And I, when I was younger, my mother was like, the bus is coming.
The bus.
Screaming every morning.
We never were late, but I have it in me.
Even if I'm going.
Was it really coming?
Yep, eventually, but we never were late.
Right.
You know what I mean?
Like, she was, we'd have 40 minutes and she'd scream this.
This moment when the bus would, when it left, she would have to drive us to school.
But she never did because she was a panicked person.
And you were out there.
Now, did your mother have extreme, was she like one of those extreme panicky people?
Yeah, her anxiety is through the roof.
And it's really affected me, to be honest with you.
If we're going to get honest on this podcast, I'm affected.
Did your mother breastfeed you?
No.
Everything wrong.
Also, I was a caesarean, which makes you a sociopath.
Oh.
Sociopath.
Yeah.
Oh, you came out the belly.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
My friend was breached birth out the belly.
I'm like, how do you even do that?
No, I don't think that's a thing.
Oh, he did it.
No, but I don't think you get breached birth out.
You're a breach birth, and then you get out the belly.
This kid Allen did it, yeah.
They said it.
I mean, everybody knew it.
His mom, everybody kept saying it.
And nobody ever said it about anybody else, so I would imagine you did it.
And he seems like the guy that did it, dude.
I didn't get oxygen for a long time.
And I came up purple and they put me in an incubator.
And the doctors prepared my parents that this one may not, you know, be mentally well.
And I have a theory.
I think I was born, I think I was like a genius.
And then I got a little retarded.
And now I seem like average intelligence.
Yeah.
Do you know what I mean?
Like gene-tarted.
Exactly.
I like that.
Exactly.
Yeah, man, I could see that in you, man, because you definitely really, I could see you, some doctor walking over to your parents with like a shoe, empty shoebox.
You're like, hey, you might want to put some hay in this thing, you know?
Yeah, he's going to like that.
Yeah.
And I did show bad signs when I was younger.
Like I would just fly a kite for hours and just with my tongue out.
And I was very focused on things.
I think I probably was Asperger or something.
No one tested you back then.
They just were like, he likes to stare at kites or he likes to play with string or whatever.
Right or something.
And now they would say.
Yeah, yeah.
And I would just like plank on the piano just for hours, like just listening to the.
Old D-flat, the neighbors called you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's it.
Yeah.
That's wild.
So your mom was yelling for the bus.
And what were you got?
Who was in the house?
She still fills me with a lot of anxiety.
Everything is like she's defusing a bomb.
Like, you have to put the thing in that.
Like that.
Everything.
So I have a very solid trigger to being late, which I'm sorry I'm late.
I don't like being late.
And I was very anxious to hold right over.
And I sped past a cop.
That's where I was at mentally.
They don't care anymore unless you are literally driving by shooting people.
Oh, yeah.
I feel like they're not stopping anyone.
I know cops.
My brother's a cop.
Is he really?
And I mean, the way this whole thing is set up, how you're going to risk your life and your career by, you know, he was telling a story, some guy was like, it was his, I shouldn't even say, never mind.
They like someone who's doing something very illegal, and they just let him go.
They're just like, I can't even.
The black and white thing is so intense.
It's like, I just not be involved in this.
Oh, if you're doing black crime, you are free to go.
You can run into any.
You can do any.
It's like that's what it feels like because if somebody records it, then suddenly you're the bad guy.
Oh, yeah.
And they get like a certain amount of the recording, and then you're just fired immediately.
But also, these guys, cops, just to defend cops for five minutes.
Oh, totally.
Imagine a job where you go where people are being assholes all day.
Like they're being assholes over here, and you go there, and they yell at you and they spit on you.
They're like, okay, that's finished.
Now there's these other people being assholes go over there.
And then 20 years of that, here's what they need.
Not, you know, they need 20 minutes of therapy, mandatory.
And, oh, we got a camera move.
We used to be a peeping Tom also.
We don't talk about Nick that's a bit more.
Yeah, he has like a silent premature baby.
Is that right?
Yeah, me too.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
But anyway, this should be a group.
There's got to be a Facebook group, huh?
Adult creamies.
Yeah, definitely.
I'm just wondering about the effects of it and what they were on me.
They got to be heavy, dude.
It's like you ever take a cake out of the oven like a few minutes early and then the oven breaks and you can't do any more baking of it.
Yeah, all the time.
And you guys have to eat that kind of like crater cake, you know?
Although, and that's that example, I mean, cookie, like fake cake batter is like a flavor at some ice cream powders.
You know, it's delicious, even uncooked.
Yeah, but it's just like humans.
Some people chocolate, some people vanilla, some people got the sprinkles in them, gangman or whatever, you know, the fun fetty guy.
Rum raisin.
You know, Paul Newman loved rum raisin.
I worked at this Haagenda store in Westport, Connecticut.
He'd come in every now and then.
Only guy who would get the rum raisin.
Wow.
You know Paul Newman?
Kids don't even know who Paul Newman is anymore.
They think he's a condom or, you know, condom sauce maven.
Yeah.
Sauce Maven is the word.
Well, anyway, my childhood was tracked.
My mother would film my room with clowns.
That's another thing she did to me.
Well, I want to know more about a little bit of this birthing and the breastfeeding specifically before we move on.
Because my mother had small breasts, dude.
And I almost remember trying to get milk out of it, and there's nothing in it.
There's no way you remember that.
I think I, because sometimes I swear to God, Kyle, sometimes I will kind of lay down and go like this, and it makes me, I almost feel like it's dinner time.
You know, like it's like, I almost remember being, I know it sounds crazy, it's not like a real memory, like some girl at a bar was like, I remember being eight months old.
Like it's not like that.
It's like a genetic reconcili, it's like a genetic, it's like a ghost in my body that comes to the surface of my skin when I do this, like a ghost that has an idea that happened a long time ago.
How old are you when you stopped?
Maybe that's a fair when I stopped breastfeeding?
Yeah, maybe you were 11. No, no, no.
I was younger than that.
I don't remember.
But I don't ever remember seeing my mother's breasts past four or five.
And I remember being a little bit more.
Do you remember seeing them?
Yeah.
You can, in your mind, imagine what your mother's nipples look like and know what they are.
I wouldn't say know what they are.
I remember them, I think, as a feeding domicile kind of.
But do you remember what your mother's nipples look like?
I don't ever saw them.
I never saw my mother's nipple nipples.
I never saw them.
No.
Even as you got a little older.
Especially.
Oh, Kyle.
Your mother would be nude around the house?
I saw my friend's mom's boobs a lot.
My friend's mom would just walk in buck naked and I like I was 13 when you're really interested, you know.
Dude, my friend Scott's mom, walking down the hole in front of me one time, dropped something or the Lord took it out of her hand and set it on the ground.
For you, yeah.
Bro, she bent over to pick it up and had no underpants on.
Oh my God.
And I was like, I'm coming over here again.
And that's when they didn't clean things up down there.
Oh, it was, oh, it was definitely, it was just like.
You prefer that now?
Because the first time you get sexualized, you usually are into that.
Like certain people who, you know, were into feet, like they saw feet when they first got sexually awoken or they, you know, had someone, we know somebody who, like, one of their first experiences was a girl told him to masturbate in front of her.
A girl told him.
Yeah, to masturbate.
And that was like first sexual experience.
Locks in your brain.
And then for the rest of your life, you're chasing that dragon.
That's what we see.
So did you have that with, do you now like it not groomed?
No, I will say this.
The first time I ever masturbated was on a shelving unit because I climbed up this shelving unit.
My brother had some magazines up there.
I crack them open.
They had a can of mint julep liquor.
Yeah.
And cracked that thing open too.
And so I'm sitting on this shelving unit, dude, on the top.
Wait, I'm sorry.
Like that, like a shelf like that?
That's a shelving unit.
It was metal, though.
It was like one of the metal ones with the cross, with those cross straps in the back going up the X's, kind of.
It was metal.
And you were up on it.
Oh, yeah.
And you were on the top.
13 or 12?
Yeah, I was probably about 11 or 12. And I got that nudie mag.
I think it was called like Bust or Odorve or something, like a French one.
Swank.
And I got, yeah, something like that swank rub or something, you know, just something like.
I don't think a rub is one.
I'm sure it's one.
I don't think.
If not, we're going to go up with it, dude.
It'll be premature babies.
Yes, that was kind of vivid.
Wait, that would make so much noise and not be at all stable for you to collect.
I think that's what goes into it for me, honestly.
Why didn't you just take the magazine down and go somewhere else?
I mean, that's because it was in my brother's closet.
So it was already like the most remote place I could be from my parents or anybody.
Could you come down from it?
Why'd you have to be at the top of it, Master?
Because that's where I got it.
And I think I was just so in.
I was there.
Does that image do a little something when you see it?
That's what I was going to say.
When I'm buying a, if I'm by like an old, like a, I don't want to say a poor shelving unit, but like the poor kids had them.
It was a style the poor people had.
I can't.
So when you're in like a marshals, you might come across that and things.
And I really do.
It like makes me want to climb back up there.
Like almost my arms will start going like that.
But I remember ejaculating up there for the first time.
Yeah.
You never forget that.
Oh, I was, I couldn't believe it.
I was like, where, where?
It is a moment where you're, you don't even know what happened.
It's like disturbing.
You think you're going to die.
You don't know what's going to happen.
You don't know if you're about to win something.
Yeah.
And it's coming from like, I mean, it's your like genetic, like, it's like the dinosaur in you.
Yeah.
You know, it's like that dirty reptile.
It's like something billion-year-old.
I mean, you see, it's in all of us, all animals.
And also with the breastfeeding, I saw this monkey, they reunite with its mom, you know, after whatever.
And I just knew to find her nipple.
And it's just all genetically coded in us.
That's why I think we're very much, much more machines than we think.
The free will, and that's who we are.
A lot of it we're on some sort of code.
Don't you feel like we're sort of your behaviors, a lot of it like that exactly is coded in.
And I think there's a lot more stuff we don't think about.
So do you think we have a lot of free will?
No, I don't.
Actually, Sam Harris is a book about it, and he totally does not believe there is.
And it freaks you out.
Here's why I also think you need to put a lot of weight into what he's saying is because you don't want to believe it.
It's like heaven.
A lot of people believe in heaven because you want to believe it.
When there's so much evidence there isn't heaven.
Well, I wouldn't say that.
Well, what about this?
Okay, the idea.
There's a highway to it.
Oh, no.
That was a great movie.
Dude, it was.
Yeah, that show was great.
But listen, if you've got, let's say you get amnesia, for example.
Okay.
A little blood gets taken away from your brain for a bit.
I believe it.
And now you can't remember your family or who you are.
You telling me you take all the blood out of your brain and you're dead, you suddenly remember everybody?
What is that?
And they go, oh, that's the soul.
Where's your soul?
You don't have a soul when you're alive?
Wait, so what happens?
I don't have any blood?
Yeah, you have like, if you're dead, you have no blood.
Okay.
I mean, nothing's running through your brain.
Right.
When you had amnesia, you didn't remember anything.
How do you now remember everybody and yourself?
How is that possible?
Once you're dead, you mean?
Like when you go to heaven, you remember your family and stuff?
Yeah, and you're like, yeah, you don't.
Exactly.
But most people believe in heaven because they want to believe it, which is getting back to free will.
Most people, including myself, and I had to put the book down because it's disturbing because he puts a very good case together about how we don't have free will.
And it's a white guy?
It is a white guy, unfortunately.
It's a white guy.
No, I still believe.
Look, I believe, honestly, mostly white guys, if I'm real honest with myself.
You know what I'm saying?
I mean, I believe other people as well, but when I think about people that I believe about a lot of stuff, a lot of them are white.
I believe like a casual guy.
I just go by tells, you know, touching the face.
If someone touches their face when they talk to you, especially on like a moment that's important, if you ask them a pointed question and they go, no, I didn't do that.
They lie.
That's a lie.
Biggest tells the touch face.
Is it really?
Part of it's actually biological.
Like you actually get blood taken away from your face when you lie.
You feel guilt or whatever.
And so it becomes a little itchy and you kind of want to touch.
No.
But it's also just like you're trying to cover your mouth a little bit.
Right, trying to hide the truth.
Because you believe you're an honest person.
So you're just like, it's like a cognitive dissonance.
You're just, you have a little brain flash.
Also, there's microaggressions.
Yeah.
Someone will make a quick expression if you catch it.
And that's all in Sam Harris' book?
No, this is other stuff.
Oh.
But so you, so going back to free will, yeah, sometimes I wonder if, and now we're so getting programmed by stuff, it's like that our free will, whatever little we have, it's almost like there's so many dog whistles out there now.
Yeah.
You know, like just with the internet and just, you know, the advertising.
It's like so hard to battle it.
Yeah, you're getting programmed.
And you also, your thoughts come from your subconscious, you know?
And then you think you thought your thought, but you didn't.
It just kind of popped into your head.
You notice it.
But see, now, then, but then here's, and you're actually a great case for this because you're like a very interesting guy, man.
And so you're one of the few people in the world that I see where I'm like, oh, this guy has unique thoughts and ideas.
So it's interesting that you would kind of go with that because I feel like that doesn't really define you, really.
Do you think it does?
No, I think I'm just a product of my mother screaming at me as we've covered.
Yeah.
Things in my childhood where, you know, there's some underwear pulled up higher than it needed to be in the back.
On men or women?
On myself.
Oh, really?
By others or by you?
By others.
you know, some little bullying.
And then there was like, I was very tiny.
I was miniature for so long.
And I really liked girls.
You know, you have that age where you want to be...
Dude, there's nothing crazier than some little guy that wants to fuck everyone.
Yeah.
You don't want to talk about it.
But I was like, oh, here we go.
Look at him.
Look at him.
He's holding his dick up.
Yeah, yeah.
And he's just swinging a big dick, but he's tiny.
He's swinging his dick at the airport.
And it looks bigger because he's so tiny.
Oh, yeah, it's crazy.
Yeah.
And then I was voted class clown.
I cried.
Oh, you cried?
And they found out about it.
I cried.
I mean, I didn't cry like whale cried, but I was in the hallway and I found him and I just started tearing.
And they changed it to best personalities.
They felt back for me.
The idea of being a clown to me, first of all, I was never, I wasn't trying to be a clown.
I was trying to be cool.
Pull up a clown, Nick.
Please.
You don't want a shelf.
I didn't mean to rupture you, man.
But you were trying to be cool.
Now, what methods were you using to be cool?
You know, like hair combing, gels.
Yeah, okay, and then this I get into this psychology.
So I get voted class clown.
My mother knows what I'm said about it, and she starts filling my room with clowns.
And I'm.
Why?
I don't know.
But I was so beaten down with like my voice didn't matter when I was younger that I never said, I don't like this.
I just sat in my room with clowns just for years.
And my phone would ring, and it would just be this, like, laughing clown.
What?
It would go like, ha ha ha, that's hysterical.
No way.
And that was my phone.
And I'd be like, hello?
Oh, my God.
I didn't like that.
Oh, my God.
Years later, I went to therapy.
I'm like, why'd you do that?
You were like, Willie.
That was almost Willy, like a very cheap Willy Wonka kind of going.
I just can't believe you had the clown phone.
That was awesome.
It was like a clown that was sitting.
It was like this, kind of, it was sitting on the thing, and its eyes would light up the creepiest thing you can imagine.
And it would laugh.
I would just pick it up and talk to my one friend.
Look, I'm making this sound bad.
I had great parents.
No, and I had a great childhood, but there were certain moments where, you know, that are clear.
What do you think it did to you?
Is that the phone?
Yes, that's it.
That's so funny.
Can you play a video of it laughing and bozo the clown phone?
Yeah, please do it.
I want to see him get erect.
Oh my god.
You know how you were getting hard by that countertop?
This is making me moving unit.
This hit me in the gut right here when I saw that clown.
It made me nauseous.
Here we go.
Oh my gosh.
And that's your phone.
It goes, that's hysterical.
It's kind of a cool phone.
Remember Bozo the clown, that show?
Vaguely.
One of my friends was on it, I think, or somebody told me they weren't.
I just always thought they were.
I knew a clown.
You ever meet a real clown?
And you get to know him as a person?
Oh, no.
Yeah, I knew a clown.
He was in a show.
Did you do a lot of stage shows?
Like, I started off as an actor thing.
I didn't honestly, this is another thing.
My mother pushed me.
I never wanted to get on stage or anything.
I was pushed to audition.
Uh-uh.
Yeah.
And what about your music?
Make her sound horrible.
She's actually very...
And I think I was the last one.
She's like, this one's going to do this.
And then I was on a movie and we had a nanny for a week.
My parents went to like Australia.
And she's like, do you not want to be here?
And I was like, no, I don't.
And she's like, okay, let's go home.
It's the first time an adult like listened.
Oh, I felt.
I'm exaggerating, by the way.
No, look.
You remember moments.
And like, my parents did an amazing job, but there's like moments that I remember.
Yeah.
And then I. Yeah, I just got back from this therapy, this trauma center for like a week.
And you talk about all like your like growing up stuff and like the things that shape you, why you behave the way you do now.
Yeah.
And you fascinate.
Because you can't, there's moments that are so impactful that right on the slate of your personality when you're younger.
You can't protect a kid enough.
Even if you're the best parent, he walks out and someone, you know.
Somebody throws a fucking little harpoon or something at him and scares him.
A dog bites him.
Yeah.
And you didn't do the right thing after?
Yeah.
And then there's one girl, someone's a teacher said to her, you're perfect.
And then she became anorexic.
She remembered that moment, I have to be perfect.
That's my identity.
You can't help but like run into traps.
Yeah, I don't think that's what I, that's one thing I was realizing after that week at this place.
I'm like, is there any way to do it right?
No, there's so many variables.
You run into so many.
In one day, think about how many little things happen to you.
And then when you're younger, you're just so absorbing it.
And you're trying to find out what's my identity.
Who am I?
And so those are really clue.
And if you get a dirty clue from someone, a red herring.
Yeah.
You know, experiment in the 70s when they said, all the brown-eyed kids are dumber than the blue-eyed kids.
Blue-eyed kids are smarter.
They've never done this experiment now.
Yeah, it was a famous experiment.
And then the blue-eyed kids started to do better on the test.
The brown-eyed kids started to do crappy.
And it just, this insidious thing seeps into your head if you don't.
But as a parent, your job, you can't control it.
Do your best.
Best personality, they changed it.
Was it a small school?
Yeah.
It was like 150 kids in our class.
That's a pretty decent amount.
Only I wasn't tiny about it.
Were you dating in high school?
What was it?
I tried, and I was like the friend they would tell.
Like, I fucked this guy.
I'm like, I fucked this up.
He was Jeremy last night.
Yeah, I love this girl who loved my friend, who was like treating like trash.
And I was that guy, like, who's that guy, John Cryer?
I was just John Cryer all the time.
Oh, yeah.
Remember that Pretty in Pink?
Uh-uh.
Is that that movie?
He just cried all the time.
He played Ducky.
You don't remember that?
He played Ducky in that movie?
Uh-uh.
Here he is.
Here he is.
Ducky.
That was me.
The worst person to be in.
That's John Cryer from television.
Two and a half men.
Two and a half million.
There you go.
He's talented.
I met Molly Wingrow did a podcast I used to do.
She came on it?
Yeah.
No.
And she was cool.
She hates 80s music, which I found fascinating because she sort of made that kind of popular.
She's in the videos.
Or she certainly gets packed into it.
I know.
You think she...
I think you don't experience them the way other people did.
Is that it, you think?
I don't know.
Well, I don't know.
Like, Charles in Charge guy hates Charles in Charge, you know?
Really?
Scott Bio.
I bet Small Wonder still likes it.
Do you ever see Small Wonder?
With that, oh, is that the guy?
The robot girl?
Is that with Jerry O'Connell?
You might want to check this out.
No, this.
Small Wonder was the most amazing TV show they ever made on the air.
It was a man who was a robot engineer, and it's the worst acting and writing you've ever seen.
The wife's like, but you're a robot engineer.
She tells him what his job is, to tell the audience what he is.
So then he made this robot that his boss didn't like.
A robot that would make everyone a kajillionaire.
And so he takes it home and he works on it at home.
And then she becomes part of the family.
And here's a scene from it.
My name is Robbie.
She's a robot.
The daughter.
My name is Vicki.
Pleased to meet you.
Come on, Luke.
Come on with the child.
Don't you really?
She looks four seasons.
Her mom is thickly thick, huh?
Yeah, she's from some Adams movies.
Yeah, he was old.
No!
It's just a new dance!
See, I know it too!
That kid never worked again.
None of them worked again.
The kid got molested because of his next credit.
Sadly, that's Joe Biden right there about to smell that lady.
Look at him grab her all aggressive early 80s style.
Dude, is it you know, I mean, you do so many great characters, man.
Are you starting to feel like, well, first let me ask this, do you think that the bot, do you think Biden has that perv streak in him?
I don't, I, I, I, I sometimes wonder, am I just watching enough weird edits of shit?
Or is this obvious?
I think he's just from, he's a very touchy guy, but I don't think it's a perv, I'm going to do some, sexually assault you, I think, because he does it to like all different types, like kids, old men.
I mean, he's like sniffing old men's hair and he's touching everybody.
He's touching women more, obviously.
But like, I think he's just, I think he's just a touchy guy, my opinion.
You got shades on.
I want to put it on.
No, no, I got.
I have shades.
I just want to be cool.
I'll take mine off if you want.
No, I want to put mine on.
Are yours pretty expensive?
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Those are good.
Were you devastated?
Was there a time in your career where you got devastated out here?
Where you're like, I'm not going to be anything?
Yeah, like this morning.
No, I never felt like I made it.
I always felt like I was...
I mean, when I look back, I got to save at the last minute every time, every stage.
I mean, I started off doing, you know, sketch and improv.
It was what I'm more suited to than stand-up.
And then I'm like 25 and I have no money.
And I'm like, oh, there's no money in this.
It took me all that time to go, there's no money in doing sketch.
No one said, don't do that.
Yeah.
There's no money in that.
Yeah, like you should get SNL if I saw Miracle.
But other than that, so then I was like, okay, I'll do stand-up.
So I did that.
I got really lucky to make a living doing that.
I felt like, you know, this owner of this club took me under his wing because it wasn't a very assertive person.
Yeah, it's interesting.
I would wonder how you would kind of, yeah, what was your beginning stand-up?
Was it kind of like Brett Weinbach kind of?
You know what I'm talking about?
Yeah, I love Brett Weinbach.
Oh, he's so funny, man.
I'm just trying to wonder what because I don't.
These are too dark.
Are they?
They're too dark.
No, you put yours on.
Yours are lighter.
You can see.
I can't see through much.
Yeah, Brett Weinbach.
I really started.
I started to see her early.
I had bad management when I was younger, and not that they were trying to do a good idea.
See, I would go up and I would do like a guitar song, and then I would do a character.
It was weird.
And back, you know, when I started, it was like, you know, Tim Allen or whatever, you got a deal by talking about yourself.
And so they were like, don't do the guitar, don't do the characters.
So I listened to them because I just listened to what everybody tells me.
Me too.
And then I got to a point where now, luckily, with like the internet and the Instagram and stuff, I can do, I'm finally doing what I should have been doing.
The whole time.
Yeah, but I was just adults were telling me, you know, successful managers.
And so I thought that they knew best.
And yeah, I didn't have that inner thing where I listened to, I'm starting to do it now a little bit more.
Yeah.
Yeah, man.
I mean, I feel like you're coming in your own at like a lightning speed with Craig's News Live.
Craig's News Live is interesting because some people hate it.
Like, it gets a real response.
Some people watch it because they hate it, I think.
It's got like, I would say 90% of the people who follow me hate it and wish I'd stop.
And there's 10% that are mad that I don't do it more.
You know, I do it like once a month now.
And no one's happy, by the way, with anything I put out.
Because I put this like, where's Caddy Daddy or something else?
So I just cycle around.
And you know, with making money on the internet, you got to be consistent every week.
And I can't be consistent.
So now what I'm trying to do is do like a weekly show where I do a little bit of everything, which is, which is, I don't know if I can handle that much of a workload of trying to write and shoot and edit.
And I also have to edit.
You know, I'm not a fast editor.
It feels like a lot of work, but it feels like so, what I love is that it's so, like, you can tell that you're on every twist and moment of it is associated to you, you know?
So it's so specific.
Yeah, man, it's awesome to know that you're like existing out there and making cool stuff.
I'm so excited.
That's really nice because I really feel like it was like Hail Mary Pass this happening.
And YouTube, Instagram, I don't make any money.
I'm trying to get everyone over to YouTube now.
I don't make any money on Instagram either.
Yeah, I'm trying to shovel everyone to YouTube and that's where you can make some.
They'll get there.
They're getting there.
Yeah.
And I finally got an advertiser yesterday, which was like, because I wasn't making any money and working like, you know, 10 hours a day.
But yeah, e-forms.
Oh, I've used e-forms before.
Yeah, they came through.
And they're sponsoring the Fresh Pres of DC show.
They're like the advertiser on that.
Oh, great, dude.
Yeah, I saw the first episode.
How was the response to that?
Really good.
It's been really good.
And I'm trying to dovetail it so I can not, it's not Biden every week, and I'll start adding other characters.
Like, I'm going to have, you know, Caitlin come in, other, and even like, I did this time canceler sketch that people asked for.
I only did one of them, but I'm going to have my other sketches, other characters come into the show and make it like a more general show, not just always about Biden, because I think that would get old.
Yeah, that's a good point.
That's a good read, man.
Yeah.
I've done the Craig.
Dude, I was on a date actually recently, and I may have tried to make love to this woman or not, and I kept doing the Craig's Zeus Live Boys.
And she hates me now.
No, it was good.
I don't think it was meant to be, dude.
It was a good litmus test.
Oh, it was so much fun.
I couldn't stop doing it.
Which part?
Which they could be.
And I was like, Yeah, I'm not even, I can't even get hard.
Can't record test peanuts.
You're talking about your dick?
Yeah, I don't see why that wouldn't be sexually sexy.
These kids are being so bad in here.
You know, doing stuff like that.
Like, for some reason, every time I make out with a girl, I'll always be like, oh, these kids are being so bad.
I always say that for some reason.
Like, oh, these kids are being so bad in here.
Oh, Craig's News Live.
I think, and she's like, why do you keep saying Craig's News Live?
I couldn't not say it with me.
That's so funny.
Film that next time you do that for me.
We'll put it on Craig's News Live.
You know, just be like, if you do this, I'll put you on the show.
It'll start other people doing it.
If we can get everyone doing that when they start making out.
I love that moment when you first make out with a girl.
I love hearing the stories about it because it's so awkward.
You're invading their space.
And some girls, you know, when you're younger, when we were younger, it was like, I used to ask, and they were like, don't ask.
And now it's like, you better ask.
So it's like, all weird.
Nothing's that clear.
And I'll tell you this, if anyone's curious on how to make that first move.
Yeah.
Because some guys go in too early, whatever.
Some guys don't know when you, you've got to go by touching like a leg first.
Then if she touches you back, then you go to the next thing.
You wait for her to respond.
You have this little physical dance first.
You don't go in for a kiss just out of nowhere.
Or it's the end of the night.
I'm going to just reach in, hang back, let a night go by that you didn't make a move.
She'll think you're cool.
I knew this girl who was so, I was fascinated with how she got girls.
She was lesbian.
She got girls to like her.
And straight girls, she would convert them.
And this, I think, works in LA more than other places.
Thaontology, baby.
Absolutely.
This one time we're at this Charlie Sheen roast.
Fun fact.
You wrote on it.
No, I was just at it.
Someone invited me.
So I was sitting at this table with her and this pretty girl sits down.
And I could see she clocked my friend as, like, oh, she's going to want me.
And then.
Wait, the pretty girl sits down.
Yeah, and she's like, clocks like a lesbian.
Oh, okay.
This is just an example of like...
So the lesbian girl turns her back, fully, takes her chair and goes, and puts her back to this girl.
So now this girl sits up like, how'd this happen?
Now she needs approval from this girl.
So then the pretty girl goes, I'm going to go to the restroom.
Can you watch my purse?
And she goes, no.
Like that.
Wow.
They dated for two years.
Anyway, just a little fun fact for everybody.
Yeah, and I'd be like, yeah, put your purse in my heart.
I'll hold it.
Yeah, that's what I would do.
I'd be like, okay.
Whatever you want.
Why don't you just pour all your lipsticks down my throat?
I'll regurgitate them.
Yeah.
It's like you feel like you want to please, but it's also not being mean.
There's books on this.
I'm not an expert.
Yeah, that guy wrote it.
I read those books.
How to nag a woman.
They used to call it nagging.
Yes.
That book was called David or Malin.
The games.
The game.
The game.
The game Mallon or whatever his name.
What happened to him?
Obviously, the guy disappeared.
I don't want to guess, man.
Yeah.
Is he married now?
Let's see if he's married.
If we could see a clip of...
I don't want to No, that's fine Waste anyone's time here But it does kind of work I I I think you really Neil Strauss Oh, he looks really different.
He wears a hat.
He's a big astronaut's name, too, Neil Strauss.
It sounds like a very good astronaut name.
You want to make out some more?
I'm having...
My whole thing, if I look back, the women in my life, it's been like they...
Really?
You had Spade with him kind of a double date one night, didn't you?
Yeah.
Yeah.
You just mentioned it.
He said, oh, yeah, yeah.
He's like, got Done again out of his house.
We got a couple whipper snappers who were taking it off.
Sometimes they're like...
No, because one girl was a girl he was kind of dating or something, and then the girl was her friend or something.
Yeah, I'm not talking bad about him.
I'm just, and I wouldn't have to talk about it.
No, I'm trying to navigate.
If this girl's watching, I don't want to insult her.
Oh, she was.
But she was sweet.
She's like a sad men watching.
But she was sweet, but she just didn't know.
A generational disconnect?
It was more than that.
Like, this is an example.
You know, like, me and Dave are pretty square.
And she's like, oh, my friend, this was like three girls with us.
This might have been a different thing than he was talking about.
But she went in the bathroom.
They went to the bathroom to do cocaine to the girls.
It was like a nice restaurant.
They went to do cocaine.
And Dave goes, oh, they could do it on the table.
And she goes, oh, they can?
Okay.
And she went to get up and go tell them they could do cocaine on the table.
Like, they didn't get jokes.
Right.
You know, like in a way that blows your mind.
Yeah, but it was German or something.
Might have been German.
But that's interesting.
Yeah, yeah.
Dude, I'm still thinking about No.
Oh, you know what?
I had the Sports Illustrated flip open football phone.
We got that thing.
Looked that thing up, dude.
It was horrible.
It was such a piece of trash.
Getting the- But it was so huge when I was young.
We saved the Kool-Aid points and we got – Oh, you, I always wondered who was able to save all those Kool-Aid points.
We did.
Is that your phone?
Yep.
That football?
Yeah.
That is cool.
We thought it was cool, dude.
Well, we had very different phones.
It fell off.
Yeah, yeah, we did, man.
We had different phones.
One of the most impossible things ever.
Everything I get him, he always wants to be turned.
The stores are busy.
The cashiers are impatient.
This does it busy.
Everybody in that video looked trance.
It's a telephone.
My goodness, it's a telephone inside of a football.
Football.
Inside of a football.
She's looking for the fast.
It's a phone call.
It looks like a football phone.
It is a phone call.
It looks like a regular phone.
The problem was it would fall off the stand.
It comes on her actual idea.
NFL stand.
It would fall off and hang open, and then it would be.
It fumbled itself, kind of.
All right.
I want to let you guys know I got some tickets coming at you.
I will be running my Netflix special taping over there in Nashville.
And that is August 13th and 14th.
Those will go on sale next Friday.
Also, on sale now, Huntsville, Alabama.
Just going to be practicing some of that material for it.
And that's Huntsville, Alabama.
August 8th, 9th, and 10th.
One show each night.
Those are on sale right now.
Also still on sale, we've got, oh, St. Louis is sold out.
Get all your tickets through Theovon.com slash tour.
Any other site, there's going to be upcharges.
It's going to be scammers and hype beasts.
So get them there, Theovon.com slash tour.
The new dates are for Theo Von Live, and the Huntsville and Nashville are for the Dark Arts finale.
So looking forward to seeing you guys everywhere.
Thank you for supporting me.
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Stay gold, pony boys.
Dude, I'm still fascinated on that moment of being young and going in for that kiss.
I know.
I remember I was at a fire.
This is the first time you went in for a kiss?
Yeah.
Okay, let's hear this.
These are fascinating to me.
I was at a fire, dude.
Somebody had burned down something in our town, right?
How old?
I was probably, I would say probably 12. And I biked over to this fire and this girl's over there.
And some big dude was like, you fucking pussies need to kiss, right?
And we were too young even hear anything like this.
And I like was in love with this girl and she was like a hot dog.
Oh my God.
And I look, I was not, I was like not a cool.
I was not a kid you would kiss if you were a girl.
My friend was, my friend Scott.
He got all the kisses and I would just be like, oh.
And I fucking didn't know what to do.
I didn't even know how to do it.
I was like, you pussies better kiss.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And so I opened my mouth and just like started moving towards her face.
And she like let me get like right onto her face and I didn't know what to do.
And it was just so uncomfortable.
You just mushed your like mouth on her mouth.
You just pushed it.
I just like.
Yeah.
Was it good?
Did you like it?
It was scary.
I was, my, all I cared about was hoping she cared.
Like, okay.
Just hoping it was okay.
Like, is this okay For her, and then, like, she never really even looked at me after that.
And she played volleyball, and then her name was Emily.
And a couple years later, she let me brush her hair at a campfire.
So, I'm like, I wonder if fire has something to do with it.
Oh, she linked it up, but she had beautiful hair like a horse, dude, and she would let me brush it at a fire.
Nice mane.
And then she went bang at some dude in the woods or something.
Yeah, right.
At least I got her like prepped up.
You got her, yeah, prime.
I was like, hey, get out there, give him hell, you know.
I had my first kiss was this girl was, she was like 13. I was like seven.
Oh, God, bro.
Listen, I'm with like her, her friends, and she was like dating, whatever.
You're 13, you're dating, whatever, some guy.
Like, we were all the Hampton Beach in New Hampshire and sitting around, and she's like, why don't you take me on a date?
And they're all laughing.
Like, she just kept saying this stuff to me.
And they're like, yeah, take her to McDonald's.
And I was like, I don't know.
I don't know.
Then everyone went inside and I was standing on this step, I remember.
So I became her height.
And she came up to me.
She's like, see you later.
And then she just like made out with me.
And then she was in her bikini and she turned around.
So like, it was, I was, I guess I was sexually assaulted, but it was great.
It was like, not, you know, sexual is bad, but like that was not a bad moment.
That is a good memory that I have of being.
That's inappropriate of her, I guess.
But she's 13. That's pretty young.
But still, I was like seven.
That's great.
It was great.
Then the next time was I, it was like, remember Truth or Dare?
It was a big way you got a kiss, first kiss?
And they were like, French kiss, whatever.
I didn't know what French kiss was, but I knew it was like something with a neck.
That's what I thought.
So I was like, I think you lick their neck.
But I was like, 60% sure.
Yeah, yeah.
So they were like, Kyle, French kiss Tiffany.
And then Tiffany gets up and I go to my friend who said like the thing to French kissing.
Hey, I don't feel like French kissing right now.
Can I just like kiss her regular?
And he was like, okay, regular.
But I just dodged a ball.
I would have licked her neck.
Yeah.
I would have just like, oh, Tiffany.
Like a couple llamas saying goodbye to each other.
Yeah.
Wow.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
It's so crazy how there's so much going on inside of you in those moments.
And the rest of your life, I'm just sort of like living off.
I remember the first time I saw a boob in the moonlight.
It was the first time I saw a live boob.
Oh, God.
And like, I still remember it.
Like, you remember your mom's, I guess, was your first boob.
Yeah.
Wait, we never talked about your mom's nipples.
You don't remember exactly.
I have a decent memory of them.
Are they big areolas?
Are they small?
Yeah.
Can we confirm that?
I don't want to.
Could you call your mom to confirm that?
I love my mom.
I don't want her to.
I don't want to.
I mean, I know.
Oh, could we?
It would be.
It would be.
She wouldn't tell.
Do you want to draw them?
Huh?
You want to draw him?
You could draw them and then you send her.
You could see it just right?
Hey, mommy, just right.
Yeah.
Dude, I saw my grandmother's breast.
She was changing shirts one time, even though she wore only the same shirt all the time.
I think she just went and changed to like a fresh one.
And I walked by the room and her door was open and she was just sitting on her bed and her breast rotten.
She saw me see him.
And she hated me for it.
She didn't go, oh, honey, I'm just glared at me.
It was like something was wrong with me.
Yeah.
Oh, really?
I met a guy last night.
A guy met a girl on a date last night.
He goes, hey, I really like your hair, right?
Nice guy.
He goes, I really like your hair.
She goes, it's a wig.
Like, it's his fault.
Yeah, like, it's a good wig then.
Yeah.
She's like, it's a wig.
That's something going on with her.
I like your fucking fake hair then.
Who gives a dang?
Be nicer.
No, she's got a lot going on.
Oh, yeah.
Nothing weirder than a mean grandma, though.
That story is upsetting.
I had one grandma that was a little.
She wasn't.
We were riding the car.
She was smoking on the back.
And I was, as you know, very quiet child.
I never spoke up for myself.
And I was about to vomit.
So I said to her, Nana, do you mind not smoking?
I don't feel well.
It was very hard for you to even say that.
So she goes, just kept smoking.
And I got off, and I remember I barfed on my flip-flops.
I can still see the barf on my flip-flops.
And she wasn't like, oh, I'm so sorry.
You did tell me that.
And I'm sorry.
She's like, I got to kind of clean up your flip-flops.
I loved her, but she didn't.
It was a more day.
And we're also softer people.
I was a sensitive kid.
So things hit me like really.
I like internalized everything.
Yeah, me too.
Like, I remember my grandparents, we were driving one time across America or somewhere.
It had to be America.
Yeah.
And I think my grand, somebody accused me of pooping myself.
And I didn't.
A grandparent?
Yeah.
Or somebody said, hey, somebody pooped themselves in the car.
You know, and I was the only one in the car that wasn't a grandparent, you know?
So, but I hadn't, I kept like thinking, like, you know, you can feel like if there's poop in your pants.
Yeah.
I couldn't feel that.
So I was like, I don't, I didn't do it, you know?
And my grandpa had done it, right?
He took me to the gas station or whatever, though, went in the bathroom and like washed my butt as if I'd done it.
Did he also wash his butt?
Yeah.
So he literally got back in the car and he used you to cover his shit.
And my grandma hated me for it.
Dude, my grandma was nuts, man.
She had like this lady that would bring her pet raccoons and I couldn't go in there when they were in there.
Pet raccoons?
Yeah.
This lady named Del was her name like the computers.
Oh shit.
Well, maybe your grandma's trying to protect you from like a dangerous animal.
Nah, she just wanted to be together with that lady.
She just wanted them all to herself.
But it was just a different time.
Yeah, I think generations are different too.
So it's weird because I feel like our parents probably didn't like attach so many of their feelings to their parents and stuff or their behaviors to how they were raised.
Yeah, it's different.
But now we kind of do that a little bit more.
You think back and go, why am I like this?
Yeah.
There's a lot of shoving down in the generation before us.
Now it's almost too much saying how you feel about things, I think, publicly.
I see so many videos and I think you could have kept that to yourself.
Yeah.
Yeah, there's some stuff like that Demi Lovata girl keeps coming out of the closet every week as something new.
Yeah.
You know, she's gay, she's straight, she's a merry-go-round, she's a bartender one week.
There's a video, this girl online, and she's explaining how she changes gender.
It could be on the hour, but it's like, how am I supposed to know?
So she has bracelets she wears, and she's wearing this, this, this means this.
It's exhausting to be your friend, I would think.
Yeah, I would bet, Miss Man.
What is this?
Yeah.
And also, well, now it's come full circle because you have transgender, you have men competing in women's athletics.
That I love sitting back and enjoying this show because it really threw a monkey wrench.
People don't know what, because it's like you're trying to support and hate this same person, and you're like, your mind explodes.
And you got to feel bad.
Imagine you're a woman and you worked your whole life.
I'm going to the Olympics.
Everyone's like, you're the best and you're the fat.
And then this 43-year-old guy comes into this.
this is not going to last.
There's no way this is...
You can't be biologically a man and join in a female Olympic sport.
Warren Hubbard has become the first ever transgender athlete.
And is she packing mood or what's her deal?
Do they say?
Why don't they just make a section for transgender people?
Yeah, maybe that's the answer.
I think that's the answer.
And don't even make it the Olympics at first.
Just make it like just a national chat.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, see if there's enough to even make a competition.
You might only have to.
There's not going to be enough of an audience.
They probably know that the financials don't work out.
I'm sure Triller would sponsor it, dude.
The people that did that.
Oh, yeah, Triller.
God, they're making money.
I don't know if they are, dude.
It looked like a place where they had too many concerts in it and stuff.
I don't know.
Didn't he make 20 million off that?
We're thinking of something else.
Those fights?
One of those kids, dude.
Wow, we got to do it.
What if we fought?
What could we make?
If we, you're, I think 20. We take our audiences, we say, we're going to fight, and it's going to be all out.
Like, we're going to, we don't want to fight.
That's what's fascinating.
Oh, that's exactly.
You know what I mean?
Like, we're going to get in the ring.
We don't want to fight.
And we're going to, but we're going to.
Until someone falls down for real and hurt.
Well, fall.
Yeah, but that's called knocking somebody out.
Yeah, until someone's knocked out.
We fight.
There's no bell.
It has to be a bell.
There's no ref.
It's just us.
Oh, no ref.
Yeah.
I like that.
What would we make?
I think 20K each.
That's not worth it.
If you said a half a million dollars, we'd have to do it, wouldn't we?
Is that a half mil?
I think you would have to fight.
What would be, let's do a comedian matchup, and maybe we could put this card together for people.
And maybe we don't even fight.
We were the announcers.
Boom.
Now we're making money.
We're still making our 20, but we're not crying.
We'll get.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who could we pit together?
I think you have to put Chris Delia.
He's in the first.
He's the main card.
Yeah, he's on the main card.
We'd have like Eliza Slashinger in the lower card.
I'd go Chris versus Eliza.
Oh, my God.
He would destroy her.
I mean, she would not.
I don't know.
She's got pretty jacked arms.
I don't know.
She would probably take the women's Whitney, maybe.
Whitney versus Eliza would be quite a matchup.
Both athletic.
Whitney's got them heat bags I want her, dog, them tits.
Wait, does that help the fight?
I don't know.
It would help me watch.
Eliza's loaded up.
I don't know.
Saratiana.
Eliza kind of has that angry voice.
Eliza's just like toned from anger.
Yeah.
Those are rage muscles.
Oh, dude, she's always mad.
Saratiano get destroyed.
I mean, absolutely pumping.
She's from Georgia, dude.
She would bite the frickin'...
She would grapple well.
That's a good point.
She gets him on the ground.
And she's a child, so she has something to fight for.
Yeah, exactly.
That gives you the double strength thing.
Yeah, half these faking overies have nothing out there going.
Annie Letterman would do pretty well, I think.
Annie would do well.
Yeah, she's tough.
Greg Fitzsimmons was out a lot of street fights when he was younger.
Greg, I think, would have put him in against a woman.
That's what it is.
It's like...
Yeah, it's like that is the fight that people want to see.
Did you and Annie date or no?
We didn't date.
We weren't boyfriend and girlfriend, but we were hung out for a little bit.
And women end up just hating me.
That's the pattern.
Do you think, have you been in a real relationship?
Yeah, I've been in a bunch.
Oh, wow.
Really?
And what seems to be the thing?
Is there like an ending piece?
Like, mine, I have like big commitment issues.
And then I'll have some sexual malfunction as I get into relationships.
Oh, okay.
So I just don't get as like exacerbated in my penis or anything if I'm just like with the same partner, you know, kind of deal woman.
Yeah.
But so I just, you know, so that usually kind of my relationships will fade out there because I think I don't want to commit.
So my body's saying is like, we're not going to fucking clues along the way where you go, oh, I shouldn't do this long term.
I shouldn't have a baby with this person.
A lot of my relationships, I look back and I imagine like drawing it out in your head.
You're like, what is it like if you had a kid?
I always do that.
And I imagine like in a room with the baby going, mommy's not happy today.
We got to be quiet.
And then I go, okay, this is not long.
Listen to that song In the Arms of the Change.
Yeah.
Mine is a drift where I think I have it fixed.
I think my next relationship will be like a forever longer term thing.
It's because I don't, I wasn't expressing my problems enough.
I squelched them.
We're going back to the same patterns.
And then it builds up like resentment or something.
And there's like a drift and then we kind of break up.
That's usually what happens in my past relationships.
Are you a real hammer in the bedroom or are you more like a delicate man?
It's a hammer time.
Really?
One, yeah, cannot even imagine that things change and the lights go out.
It's always that's the key, that's the thing, yeah.
Like, I know a famous musician that people say is like a love maker, and you would never expect it.
Like, he lights candles and stuff, and it's like a dude, you'd be like, What?
I don't do that, but I, and I think it's key.
Like, when you're younger, you listen and ask what they like, and then you start to get like a Rolodex of ideas and stuff, yeah.
And just you could feel out what type likes what, and then, you know, but young guys don't ask, you know, I couldn't.
And in my ear, when I was young, I was so horny, I would be like, I would ask anything, like, how are you doing?
And all I would hear, as soon as they were talking, was like, oh, what the fuck?
It was just like, I couldn't hear anything.
It was just so, it was hard to like pretend you were hearing, you know.
Yeah.
Then it's like, I mean, you know, could you have a baby?
You think?
I could see you holding a baby.
I could see you escaping to Canada with a baby if things got bad here.
Yeah, that's what I would do.
That's exactly what I would do.
Go to Canada.
I can think about having a kid.
I mean, the thing about having a kid is nobody sells that very well at all.
I mean, you hear them, they go, oh, it's changed your life.
It's a lot of work.
It's not like it's great.
It's never that.
Be prepared.
Your relationship's going to change with your woman.
It's not going to be more of a partnership.
So you got to say goodbye to the romance.
It just, that's been.
So documented.
Do you want to have kids?
I think I need to get to a place where I want to.
I'm sorry.
I could see you being a good dad.
You should be a dad.
That'd be good.
I think I would.
I just don't want to be...
I want to have...
That's it.
Yeah.
I just, not that I'm not there, but just the thing is, it was never go and it needs you all the time.
Yeah, never go.
It's like, how did it wear that?
Yeah, it's got too much batteries in it.
And if you stop it, you go to jail.
Here's a guy right here who's doing well right here, my buddy.
This is Gary Larson's son, who used to draw the caricatures.
No shit.
He kind of looks like one of the characters, not really.
But that would be cool, though.
Theo, Kyle, what's up, guys?
Hey.
I was just wondering, how do I know if you're not a deep fake?
Oh, shit.
Gang.
This is going to happen five years from now.
That'll be a real legit thing.
What is it?
So I'm already fake.
So a lot of it's like, yeah, it's funny.
When I'm watching the characters, it's like, when I'm watching your characters, I feel like I'm watching them.
I know it's your creativity behind it, but I feel like I'm watching them most of the time.
Well, you know, it's funny.
I don't use the deep fake technology that's really good.
Mine is a shitty, janky thing because I found that the real deep fake is creepy and not funny.
Like the wrong side of your brain is freaked out when it's close to the person.
Yeah.
Like, I don't know if you've seen the real deep fake ones that look really good.
Have you seen those?
I think I've seen some of them.
I got one of Tom Cruise.
Yeah, like this.
That's my friend Miles Fisher, dude.
Is that right?
Yeah.
He's dancing, you know, reminds me was once in Russia.
I ran into Gorgon.
Like, it's amazing.
That's a really good deepfake.
That's not a deepfake.
This is not Tom Springs.
Yeah.
God, that's amazing.
But this isn't.
That's just him.
He looks like this.
But they just.
No, that's the Tom Speaker's face on it.
They put Tom Spruce's face on him.
He already does a good impression himself.
Oh, okay.
But the default.
He's fooled a bunch of people.
He's got a TikTok account that's like.
Good for him.
It's amazing.
But anyway, I find it's not as funny.
Comedy doesn't work when your brain is like, wait, something's wrong here.
It's like the brain needs to know something's wrong.
Yeah, just feel comfortable and relax.
Like South Park looks really goofy.
And the face swap thing I have looks very goofy.
It's clearly like kind of broken.
But that, I did a Comedy Central pilot and we used this extreme deep fake and it was like creepy.
It wasn't funny.
And they didn't pick it up, huh?
No.
But I'll tell you this.
It was crazy what I made, what I did with their money.
It was crazy.
It was awesome.
No, it was crazy.
It was?
Did you ever put it out?
I just put like everything I do.
Here's what I thought.
I was like, I'm going to show them, and I could lead a sketch show because I could do music and these other things.
But then I like, I wrote this script and then I thought, you know, it was like a three-part, like A, B, and C plot time jump script.
It's always already confusing.
Yeah.
And then I'm like, I'm going to have the commercials and show like my other characters within that.
But you can't jump away from a, these are things I learned.
You can't jump away from a narrative story and go somewhere else for any more than like 10 seconds.
Like family guy will do a quick joke, but you got to come back to the story.
I would go away for like a minute, minute and a half.
So then it feels like you just turn the channel on the person.
It doesn't work.
Even it's funny.
They're like, I was watching that other thing.
Then the time jump and the three plots made it really confusing.
It was just so it just looked like you were changing channels.
It was crazy.
So do you confuse yourself sometimes with kind of the, with trying to put it all together?
Yeah, I'm still trying to figure out how to do a weekly show where I don't lose my mind, where I'm satisfying people and I have a regular show so I can make a living doing this.
Because right now it's like, you know, I do shows like I started doing this like Sylvester Stallone show, which was gaining followers and stuff.
But then it's like other people are like, there's too much of this.
I stopped doing it and that drops off.
And those people are like, where's that?
It's just like, I got to do one thing and somehow do little clips of everything.
I'm not sure.
And you were doing Craigslist Live five, four days a week?
I was doing it so much.
That was just like a, for me, it's just trial by fire and just, I'll get better if I just keep doing this.
And I was just kind of feeling that way about it.
You're going to, you're going to, it's all going to, I mean, it's happening.
I feel like it's growing.
Your channel's growing.
Yeah, it's growing and getting advertisers.
I can get off the grid with having to worry about a network and all that stuff.
Because what I do, I don't think is easily advertised.
It's very offensive to a lot of people.
Kind of.
I don't feel like it's just genuinely funny.
Or it's, well, I feel like it's not offensive personally because I don't want to hurt somebody's feelings.
I just know it clicks all the buttons of an advertiser that says, no, we were not going to advertise it.
Right, but that's all going to.
I feel like slowly that's going to change.
I mean, in five years, every other person is going to have a network, you know, a small little network.
You can see it, like, even with podcasting, it's like Rogan was this thing that is like insurmountable, you know, and then there will never be another Rogan, you know, there will just be other small, there'll be some big podcasts, like Dak Shepard and like, I mean, there'll be some big shows, but there will never be, I don't think, there'll just be a bunch of other kind of smaller tiered shows now.
And then there will be even different ones, you know, and it'll like, it's all getting different, you know?
Yeah, I think, I think we're in the right pocket for the future.
But it's funny because YouTube is now, I guess, like, they take so much money.
First head of podcasts.
Netflix hires first had a podcast.
Netflix hires Jerry Eaton.
Oh, okay.
I don't know if I would watch podcasts on Netflix, though.
I don't know.
I feel like they're just getting into it because Amazon's taking over all of a sudden.
That's the weird thing, though.
It's weird that, like, I don't know how they're going to...
Who knows what will happen?
I love YouTube.
It's just they take like 50% of your super chats.
Yeah.
30% of your 30% of everything else.
Like your members.
I have members joining.
They take that much of a super chat.
Yeah.
That's unreal.
Patreon's only 5% to 8%, but it's harder to get people from YouTube.
That's the thing.
The problem is people don't want to get off a platform.
Getting people from Instagram over to my YouTube has been like a sludge.
It's been tough.
And then getting them to Patreon is another thing.
So I was like, let me just do it all on YouTube.
But yeah, they take so much.
It's brutal.
It's crazy, man.
And the government takes 50?
Yeah.
Like California and the federal government, it's always like 40-something percent.
And then, yeah, it's pretty crazy.
It's crazy for, yeah, California.
And specifically for LA, it's an extra percent.
So it's 14% living in California on top of it.
Yeah.
Kyle, have you thought about doing seasons?
Like maybe do 10 episodes.
Instead of trying to do that every week, do 10 episodes?
I think that's the way to go.
And I will give you credit for that idea.
That's okay.
Here's a beautiful question from a guy right here.
Good man, probably.
He's leaving his family.
Someone's like to imagine what this is.
Yeah, it does seem like he just left them.
Fan of your work.
Been following you for a long time.
Theo, you as well.
You to man.
Yeah, guess this question is for Kyle.
How have you felt in terms of recent censorship and kind of shadow banning?
I don't know if I want to call it that serious of a term, but I'm sure some of your videos and stuff like that get kind of swept under the rug sometimes based on the content and the people involved with it.
So not to get too serious, but just kind of want to know your feelings on that without getting too political and see what you think about the algorithms that's going on on social media right now that kind of favor certain things and kind of hide others.
So cheers, man.
Keep it coming and a big fan of y'all's work.
Gang, gang.
He's in a Honda Civic, I believe.
He could be, and it looked like it was a stick shift as well.
Did you pick that up at all?
The stick shift?
Yeah.
I didn't clog that, but he also maybe might have a dog.
If I'm looking at that back seat, is it dog hair?
No, it's like just a design.
No, it's a good question.
I look at this stuff.
He also shaves his neck well.
Do you know what I mean?
That's not easy.
He's got a clean.
That's a strong beard.
Oh, he definitely.
I would eat out of that neck.
You know what I'm saying?
He moisturizes it, yeah.
If he's that clean if he doesn't get the blue eye off of the question, brother.
Yeah, that's a good question.
That's a good question.
And it is really exciting.
Biden's stuff might have gotten a little bit banned on.
I don't mean to be paranoid, but when I look at like percentages and then comments, because they don't ban those, there's definitely some squelching going on because it's not tracking with other videos.
You could tell by like percentage and comments, kind of how many views a video gets.
And the Biden stuff has just been like really squelched on Instagram in particular.
Yeah, I mean, it's crazy how much the media influence.
I mean, just politics, it's just crazy how much it's gotten.
I stopped tagging.
I didn't tag Biden's time because my last video, I just didn't tag him.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't think you need to.
But it's crazy.
I mean, the power that they have too, because it's like that's our only way to communicate now.
I know.
But when there's money involved, and I don't think it's some dark, you know, whatever people think.
I don't think it's really a political thing.
I think it's money.
I think it's like advertisers want to stay away from some political so YouTube gets that clue.
And so you're not going to be making much money off your video.
But if you do a Trump, if you had done a Trump one, I bet they would push it.
Oh, maybe.
I don't know the answer, but I think they don't like anything political on YouTube and Instagram.
I don't know the answer, but I definitely.
It could be true.
I don't know either.
But luck, I mean, the thing we have is like, yeah.
But it's like anything that's not like anything that's instant, like it definitely.
Mainstream media certainly skews more leftist.
Yeah, yeah, totally.
I mean, no doubt.
CNN is the most ridiculous channel.
It's gotten so bad.
I used to be a CNN watcher, man.
Like five years ago, and now I'm like, nothing.
This is just anarchy.
This isn't even real.
Jeffrey Toobin apologizes on CNN, just real quick.
So funny.
Have you seen this?
Yeah.
I mean, this is the channel now that this guy, he, and he says here, he didn't know the camera's on.
The conversation's over, but they need to, he needs to go to therapy to be a better person.
Yeah.
Better person who knows how to work Zoom better.
Yeah.
Like she, like, she acts like she doesn't masturbate in this.
I wonder if I did the shorter one.
What the hell were you thinking?
Yeah, it's like it's just so bizarre.
It's bizarre, yeah.
That's why, and this is one of the things that's helped create such a better world for hello, Allison.
It's been a while.
It has been a while, indeed.
I feel like we should address what's happened.
She has the most I don't masturbate dress on.
Oh, definitely.
I don't even have a vagina.
In fact, I look, once a month, I cough a little bit of blood into a napkin.
That's it.
That is what she has.
Maybe once a month her nose runs just a drip.
Look both of his hands up on the table.
I guess I'll recap.
I'll do the honors.
And she's just a poor choice of word.
Perfect.
You were on a Zoom call with your colleagues from the New Yorker magazine.
Everyone took a break for several minutes, during which time you were caught masturbating on camera.
Emasculated, man.
You were subsequently fired from that job after 27 years of working there.
And you have been on leave for example.
You have to do all of this.
Why would he not do this?
Because it's already done.
It's already as hilarious as it could be.
That's a good point.
Start there.
To quote Jay Leno, what the hell were you thinking?
Well, obviously, I wasn't thinking very well.
And it just drag him through the mud and say, what a bad person I am.
He's just in the other cameras on.
Yes, it is.
I didn't think I was on the call.
That's your defense.
Other people could see you.
a really good defense.
It's like jerking out front of a window.
Like, oh, I didn't know someone could see me.
I mean, it's a little different because it was a Zoom call, but he really should know the etiquette with the lights on.
I don't know.
What happened?
Yeah, he's at that age where you don't know.
I'm shocked.
I'm amazed the guy still jerks off.
That was the most surprising thing.
Well, that's what I was thinking.
Imagine the first time he jerks off again after that and looking at his dick like, you son of a, you got me into this.
But I'm still going to come back.
He's like an abusive husband you go back to.
That's when you've really lost the fight.
It's like that movie The Five Penis or whatever, kind of.
What's that movie?
I don't think that's right, but it's almost like it reminds me of like Bobby Brown and Tina Turner or whatever.
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
Exactly.
When he went back to his penis, even though it got him into at-home mess.
Yeah, he just slowly unzips his pants and sees.
I'm going to do it again.
Yeah.
Or I'm going to teach you.
Oh, you think?
Maybe.
That would be, I think, a healthier thing to go at it.
Yeah.
With that attitude, little boy.
Yeah, you son of a bitch.
Get a little bitty fucking dog leash around him.
You like the camera on?
You turn the camera on again.
You like that?
All right, next question.
Spin, donkey.
Spin.
That's insane.
Like, why wouldn't you just say the guy had a natural deal?
He forgot the Zoom thing was on.
It's like you can't laugh it off.
But the weird thing is, it's like the more that we have to say things that are, we have to call out ridiculous because the more that we don't, the more it becomes, that's the norm.
Yeah.
Really, that's a great point because there's nothing left.
Like the major networks and outlets are acting like this is normal and that he needs to bow to the holy people who are the people that don't everyone relates to him that's watching.
He's like, oh man, that would suck.
Right.
Who are the people who are like, oh, I can't imagine how this guy even do what's going on?
Yeah, who's going like, I'm glad he apologized to me?
Is there anybody at home?
Thank God Toobin apologized.
Now I'll listen to his thoughts.
Right.
So then what are we apologizing to?
It makes no sense.
It's all a big show.
It's silliness.
And I mean, luckily there is YouTube and stuff where we can make people could talk and Twitter people can people barely can though.
Twitter's, I mean, Twitter.
Yeah, it's getting suppressed.
Twitter's bad.
I mean, you just get attacked.
You say black Twitter gets insane.
It's like people that have, It's just like a big group.
It's mostly black people on Twitter.
I guess it might also be white Twitter, but they also hashtag it a lot, black Twitter.
And it was like, black Twitter, go get them, you know?
And it's like some lady named Antendra who has literally 230,000 tweets.
And it's like, what?
How could you, and it's just like tons of people like that.
And it's just, it's just amazing how we let Twitter run everything.
Like you would think if something was this bad for us, if it caused this much pain and panic in the world.
Like I even had this.
This came up, I remember.
Comparing coronavirus to the what?
Oh, I said this was right at the beginning of coronavirus.
I said coughing is the new n-word.
And B-E-T online.
That's a good point, though.
Crushed, bro.
That must have got a lot of retweets.
Oh, it was so great.
People are happy to retweet.
Yeah, decent amount anyway.
A ton of lies.
That's a good point, though.
You're right.
People really got upset if you coughed.
Yeah, really upset.
Because I've done both, dude.
And definitely the cough was.
That is a brave tweet you did.
That was a cough.
That is a brave tweet.
You know what's funny?
I got a text from my agent.
I got a text from freaking like a guy who was an agent of some of the biggest stars out there.
That wasn't me tweeting.
Who was like, love that tweet today, bro.
Like, there's so many people that are cheering on anything that's just.
Because it's like now it's the punishment is so severe.
You are brave to put that out.
It is a legit brave thing to do.
Because the punishment is like.
But look at a guy like Morgan Wallen as a white musician, right?
He does country music.
His ticket sales quadrupled when he just said the N-word, N-I-G-G-A, calling his white friend that, right?
And not even like as like a, you know, he just said like he heard on rap music or whatever.
Yeah.
So I think there's the way to use this whole thing, and I'm not saying go out and yell the N-word or write it on a bird.
You made a comedy joke that's not.
You want this now.
You want people to, can you believe he did this?
You almost want the canceling because it's only going to help.
Yeah, that's why I hope YouTube is like...
But that's the thing that you can't control is if the platforms will let you remain.
Yeah.
Yeah.
and it feels like Game of Thrones almost.
Yeah, I worry about my YouTube channel.
I'm concerned.
Do you?
Go to Nick for that.
Nick's a good judge.
Do you think, or not look at it, Nick, but do you think you would worry about Kyle's YouTube channel?
I really don't, because, like you said, it's only the appearance of the money because you're talking about political, but the stuff you're making fun of is like, has nothing to do with political beliefs on either side.
Well, there's a lot of stuff there that, I mean, there's Caitlin Jenner's stuff as a big hilarious.
There's a big crazy.
You see her drive down the road the other day and someone's like, go get them, Joe, or whatever they call her now.
And she's like, thanks, buddy.
Yeah, baby.
Thanks.
Man, if I had an extra eighth day of the week, if I had Saturday, Sunday, Grunday, maybe Grund Day or Gang Day, that'd be good.
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Get healthy.
Yeah.
Dude, in a year, in two years, you're going to have your own studio.
You're going to be making half a million dollars a year off of YouTube.
And you're going to be in a great spot, man.
That is a dream to have your own thing where you're not.
Because even just being an actor for all those years and just waiting for an audition, and then you go in there, and then they're like, you're like, am I good enough?
This is awful.
Yeah.
And you wait around.
You're a sick little biscuity freaking chick that's never done anything.
And then you're doing someone else's writing that you don't like.
That's the worst.
Can I please have this job?
I did that forever.
I stopped going out on auditions and stuff because all the time it takes to memorize and then we're driving to the thing anyway.
And then showing up unprepared.
That's what I would do all the time.
I'd drive over there so unprepared.
One time I came back from, I remember this, I came back from Las Vegas.
Somebody give me while I was there a rock of cocaine.
I'm not even joking.
I've never tried cocaine.
As big as this little thing's head.
Yeah.
It was a full rock.
I was like, he's like, you want some coke?
I was like, yeah, I do.
And I was like, all right, I'm going to go in the bathroom.
And he hands me literally this thing.
It was about two-thirds the size of a baseball.
So I'm like, it was a chunk.
It was a rock.
I've only seen.
I go in the bathroom and I'm like trying to rub it against my face.
And that can't be the way you do.
I remember I couldn't even eat at the buffet the next morning.
I fucking couldn't get my face open.
But that day, I had to fly home to LA.
And just rubbing a rock on your face?
Yeah, dude.
I had an idea.
The whole way home?
And I even dropped it on the bathroom floor on accident.
And it didn't break, dude.
Wow.
So it was definitely, I think it was cut with quick crete.
Did you ever do it?
So I get to the audition.
I am so jacked out of my brain from doing cocaine for a few days.
I go in there and I tell the lady, right?
This character would be a lot better if the character had this cocaine problem.
She's like, oh, really?
And it had nothing to do with the script.
Are you high on cocaine at that moment?
I was still heavily under the influence.
I remember having all like these little sores on my tongue that happened from like just like the cocaine sounds will get on your tongue and then it kind of burns it.
Jeez.
And I was like, you know what would be great?
It was like this new age Snow White that they were doing.
I was like, as if the guy...
Yeah, I was on cocaine.
So it was like Disney.
Is that a cocaine?
Cokehead we got on the Disney show?
How were they play all day.
I've never tried cocaine.
This goes back to like free will because the first time I saw people do cocaine, they were so annoying to me that I just didn't do it.
Oh, you'll eat your neighbor's ass, dude, but you won't want to talk to him.
Yeah, they were like, everyone's like, everyone's like waiting to talk next.
But but but my car, but but but my car.
Yeah.
And it's horrible up to 5 a.m.
You'll fucking get it.
Dude, you will swap email addresses with a dolphin when you're on cocaine, dude.
Everybody like comes up with big ideas and then nobody can even wake up for three days.
It's a nightmare.
I am so glad I am not on cocaine today.
Me too.
I'm glad.
Praise God.
A lot of beards in the questions.
Yeah, did we answer that guy's question?
Thank you.
What was his question?
The censorship one?
I suppose?
Yeah, do you worry about it?
I guess you do if you say.
I do.
I mean, I feel like my latest videos on YouTube have been repressed a little bit on Instagram too.
The Fresh Prince of DC?
Yeah, it's just it's not matching up the numbers and the other percentages.
It seems like something's very suspicious about the...
Yeah, and plus friends that always like things.
Even though they watch my thing, they just like it.
They just like whatever.
Friends of mine, they just never saw it.
They just never saw it.
So it's like, I don't know.
Well, I know Trump, I think, has a lawsuit, right?
He's trying to get against these organizations.
Maybe that would be one awesome thing that comes out of Trump, man.
Because it is not...
It's weird when something else has control.
It's control.
The one thing that's good about YouTube is if people like and make comments and share it, that does help the YouTube, I've noticed.
It doesn't help the Instagram, but YouTube, it does a little bit.
Big tick!
Big tick.
Okay.
Three real nice.
Terrific.
So terrific.
Today, in conjunction with the America First Policy Institute, I'm filing as the lead class representative.
Where is he?
He looks like he's at the White House.
I built another White House.
The big tech job.
That's smart.
He keeps it looking like he's still there.
It is true, huh?
Look at that seal he's got.
Mark Zuckerberg, Sunder Booce.
Real nice guys.
Nice guy.
Real nice guys.
Maybe Trump will be enough of a hitman to get this done, though.
Yeah, I mean, he's the leader of...
I think Trump was just too...
I heard so before, I would hear so many stories about how Trump would get something built somewhere and then never pay the people.
You would hear just so many, like, it's just dirty business.
I feel like he was just a dirty businessman.
I think he had some good intentions.
I don't think he was the guy to be able to pull them off.
I think if he almost just didn't talk the whole time, he'd still be president.
He just sat and just was like, I think people, you know, the whole, all the movement of people where they've already talked about was just really powerful and just used CNN.
Like every day, they just talked about that guy.
And they used to do now.
They're just so much more.
They don't know what now they're just like, can we bring Toobin back to yell at him more?
They don't know who they animated.
They're so woke too that they can't even really talk about anything.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah, I got rid of my cable.
I got rid of my TV stuff.
I did, and then I got hooped.
I think I'm going to get it back, though.
Yeah.
Nice guy for sports.
Yeah.
I'm one of the fights this weekend.
We got to get our thing going.
Our new Comedy Fight Network.
Yeah.
The Comedy Fight Network.
I would love to see one other matchup, I think, on there.
On the Bill?
Yeah.
We have Eliza versus Craig Fitzsimmons.
I guess they have to agree to this, too.
We have some hurdles to overcome.
Yeah.
I don't think Greg's right for Eliza.
I think there's a better...
Someone she doesn't like would be nice.
Okay.
So anyone?
Yes.
So anyone.
Right.
We got into a mask thing a couple of weeks ago.
It was just.
Oh, really?
I was like, it was just crazy.
She does comedy correctly.
Do you know what I mean by that?
She's got it down.
Like the bells and whistles of how to do it and get a reaction.
She really is a very good technical comedic performer.
She knows the list.
You know the lists at the end for a standing ovation?
No, I don't ever look at that.
Oh, yeah.
If you want a standing ovation, you just get them?
Yeah.
Or if they ever wane, which they're doing.
I mean, that's not right to say.
But I mean, I put in the work.
I think I just get them.
There's definitely ways.
You know, he said, tell me George Wallace, what is the list?
You know what it is?
No, it's just like, it's a list joke where it's like, it doesn't give me any joke.
It goes, I went to Starbucks.
Oh, the Mocha Tappuccino long list.
And then they give you a nice applause.
I do notice that.
She does very good technical stuff like that.
She knows what she's doing.
She has some new, yeah, some new, like, it's like, not anti-Christian, but she's like, you're Anglos.
Yeah, she writes.
And then it's like a listening.
So then it's like people are clapping.
She could write a book on comedy.
I don't think we could write a book on comedy.
I think she could write a book on comedy to make people.
I think she has like, she's thought it out.
Dissected it.
I don't know.
Are you writing a comedy book?
Sorry?
No.
No, I'm not.
I just don't know about that.
Yeah, what else can we talk about, dude?
I'm trying to think of something really interesting.
How about a humiliating story?
How about Till?
All right, we'll tell you.
People like to hear humiliating stories, I find.
Because then they feel better about their life.
Yeah, you know, I got plenty.
Here's a guy.
This is Darren Till.
Yo, yo.
Yo.
Hopefully the interview is going pretty good.
If not, you guys can answer this question.
With a beard.
What do you guys like to do outside of comedy?
In your free time?
What do you guys like to do for fun?
Love to hear it.
Hope you guys are doing awesome.
All right.
Rock and roll with me.
I like this guy.
I can hang out with this guy.
He's high as fuck.
One eye is very high.
I think he has a shallow gape on that eye.
I don't think he's fully eyed out.
It's very red.
He's got great teeth.
A guy who flosses, you know, is a good tub.
He's got a good fan going.
His family's deceased in the next room, but he just murdered his entire family.
He's taking a bath.
This is his second bath.
The first bath got the blood off.
Now this is his relaxed bath to think about the murders.
Yeah, he just might send some Ruben's to soul in a few minutes, but he can't decide if it's too up-tempo for the time.
He did just buy some fans from Home Tour.
That are blowing the other room.
He said, do you have any loud fans I could buy?
And I said, right here, sir.
And they're helping after the blood cleanup.
This marble backdrop?
He's doing well.
He's doing well.
What was his question?
Unless he bought a piece of marble behind the tub just.
Yeah, like the rest of the room is just a cracked end, but the corner's nice.
What do I do in my spare time?
Yeah, what do you do?
I write music.
People don't know that.
I write classical music.
You do not?
I'm getting a piano right now.
Yeah, I got it.
Yeah.
Do you might get a Young Chang?
Have you ever seen it?
Oh, yeah.
Wait, is that what I have?
I'm looking at Young Chang.
I rented mine.
I've rented mine.
I think it might be a Young Chang.
Wow.
I wish I had a picture of it.
Yamaha, Yung Chang, Pearl River.
What are some other ones I'm looking at?
I love.
I think mine's a Young Chang.
That's cool.
Do you play piano?
I used to play.
Not well, but I used to play.
Yeah.
I like Young Chang, man.
Yeah, that's my big hobby.
That's you right there?
That's me, yeah.
Wait, there's more?
And that you playing classical music?
No, my classical music is not.
I never put it out.
I just like, you know, I give my mom a song.
I'd have money for gifts I wrote or things like that.
But I think I might put an album out, but I don't think any, like, who would want to hear that?
Of classical music?
Yeah.
I don't think there's a big audience for that.
I don't think there would be a huge audience, but big fans of yours would like to, I would have it.
I think especially even if it's not even that great.
Just light piano songs in the background when you're doing dishes or something?
I would love that.
That guy in the tub would actually be nice if my songs were playing, my little piano songs, relaxing tub.
Maybe I'll do relaxing tub music.
I'll be in a tub in the album cover.
I miss album covers, but.
Me too.
Relaxing tub music is good.
Yeah.
Kyle Dunnegan's relaxing.
What do you do for your free time?
What is your spare time?
I don't know, man.
Probably worry about stuff.
Oh, that's right.
That's my number one hobby, actually.
Never mind.
And I don't even realize it sometimes.
I'm like, sometimes I'll catch myself doing it.
What do you worry?
You seem not worried about anything.
I'm getting less worried.
Me too.
What else?
A good thing about age is you do get less worried.
I just don't have the energy for it.
But I like to go do yoga.
I like to do a little bit of fitness.
God, you don't seem worried.
Really?
If you were to ask me, who's the one person that's least worried that I know, I would have said you.
Wow.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Thanks a lot.
That's good to hear, man.
I feel like I'm slowly getting less worried.
Like things come to you.
You're doing great.
You tweet the end where it seems like a guy doesn't really care.
True.
I will say this.
I do start to feel a little bit more like just willing to say what I want to say recently.
I'm kind of tired of being hammered up.
Like I'm doing like a Netflix special in a couple weeks.
That's one of the things that's kept me like scared, I think, a lot of times of trying to be just say whatever I want.
Yeah.
And trying to write this animated thing for Netflix.
I just worry that these corporations are going to have to be a lot of fun.
You don't need them, though.
You're off the grid, I think.
You'll be okay financially even if you don't have any Netflix things.
Yeah, that's true.
But you kind of want it, though.
Netflix, I feel you kind of want that exposure sometimes.
But I don't even know if you need it that much anymore.
Yeah, I don't have it at all.
They are not interested.
They have not called me.
Well, look, in a year, they'll call and you won't even want them, dude.
That would be the greatest thing.
My first Netflix special did nothing for me, man.
Oh, really?
Absolutely.
Like, I remember, I've told this story, but I went to Chattanooga to this show.
There was this thick girl, and I ended up probably hooking up with her.
I don't remember, dude, but thank God she was there.
You don't remember?
Somebody console me.
I probably do.
You think maybe you did, but you're not sure.
I mean, I probably could.
Who knows?
Who knows what happened?
I did.
But this is what happened.
I went time, I don't jump to the story, but I one time was going, I was so drunk.
I knew she was big in my head.
Yeah.
But I sobered up the moment I looked in the mirror.
We were in a bathroom.
And I looked and I saw my hands were on her pockets, and I saw how far apart my hands were.
Wow.
They were like three feet apart.
It was so sexy.
Yeah, it was nice.
Anyway, go ahead.
God, it's kind of funny.
So you, Eunice?
You know what the thing is about kind of thicker women sometimes?
It scares me, I think.
It's like, I'm not going to be able to do this.
Okay.
It's not their body type I don't like.
Yeah, you're right.
Fear of inability.
I also feel like, are they attracted to me?
I'm so tiny.
Right.
Yeah, I'm just a little giblet to them.
Yeah.
Like, they must be like, oh, how am I going to hold on to this?
How do I hug a pencil?
Yeah, you would feel them kind of wrestle you around and they've got control.
Yeah.
That can't be sexy for them.
Yeah, like, hey, why don't you adjust my C-spine while we're in this race?
So what happened with this girl?
I don't remember what happened.
What were we talking about?
You were in Chattanooga?
Oh, yeah.
So I went to the show.
I had a Netflix special came out.
This is my first weekend.
I get there.
Nobody.
No way.
And the special just came out?
Yeah.
Like 20 tickets.
Wait, did you have time?
What about the show after that?
I mean, did you have time for them to...
It was heartbreaking.
Damn.
Yeah, I kind of want to do one just so I could say I had one because I feel like that's some kind of like doing Letterman or something.
That's something now it's like doing...
Mark Normans blew up on YouTube, his special.
Yeah, he did a smart thing.
He just put it on YouTube and it really helped him out.
I do think that that's the move.
I think after this, I mean, if this one goes through and we get it out there, but I always worry about like, man, if I say, if I do, if I did one thing, is it going to cost me my special?
Even with Mark's millions of views now, he's only doing the half hour, not only still a good accomplishment, but he's on like the comics thing where they give like 10 people a half hour.
That just announced he has a half hour on Netflix coming up.
Oh, okay.
He probably got that maybe before.
Oh, maybe.
I don't know how long it takes for them to process.
You know, that's a good question.
After this, I think you'd get a full one after.
But how was your sales?
Are your tickets getting better?
Yeah, I canceled my last tour because of COVID, but the sales are pretty good.
But I don't do huge theaters.
I do like small 300-seater things.
That's great, though.
I mean, it's somewhere because you go to clubs.
I would go to clubs anyway.
It's like, it's still, it's awesome.
I have trouble also satisfying that thing.
Like, some people will yell at Caitlin or something, whatever.
I'll come out as Craig sometimes, and it's just like, I'm jumping around, and I want them to enjoy the whole show.
And it's like, you know, it's just a tough thing.
But they enjoy you.
I think that's one thing that I don't even recognize at this point.
Like, I didn't really realize it until I sat in the audience.
I watched Brendan Shaw perform one night, right?
Yeah.
And I watched him.
I sat there.
He was performing in Nashville.
So I went and I sat in the crowd.
And people that are fans, they just want to be there with you.
Like, for me, I'm always so high in my head about the material.
I'm like, it's going to be okay for him.
But they just want to be in the room with you.
It's almost like they're saying, it almost felt like the fact, because this is the vibe I got from the fans around me who are watching him, that they were just happy.
They just want to be in the room and having a good time with you.
Here's where you're wrong.
Okay.
You're right about you and Brendan.
For me, I don't really exist to most of the people who follow me and watch my stuff.
It's like Caitlin or Biden or Craig.
It's like someone else.
I'm actually just starting to put myself.
I'm going to start putting more videos of myself out because I think that is the way to make more people happy is to have myself involved as a real person because they're like, I'm living and dying off.
Is this funny?
Is this thing funny?
And I've always known that with a stand-up, always felt I was living and dying.
It's like you're a personality that people really enjoy.
And I don't really have myself out there as a personality.
I have like my comedy bits, my, you know, impressions or whatever.
So it's not a hang for them to be with me.
I don't think.
You know, I don't know.
I think you're creative and so unique enough that for me, it would be like, I want to just know more about who this person is.
And so I think it's almost novel in the way that that's where they can get to know more.
Like, who's behind this thing that I love?
It's so powerful, though.
Like, also, Thompson grows like that too, where it's like, you guys are their friend.
And they want to come and like have a party with you guys.
It's very powerful and great.
And I'm jealous of that.
I'd like to get some of that.
Did you ever do a pod or no?
I did years ago.
But I also was kind of sidekicky.
I wasn't the driver of it.
I would just kind of jump in with stuff.
But that did actually help my sense.
To people to this day, I would say 10% of people come to my shows are from that podcast.
So it is more powerful to do a podcast in terms of getting people to your shows.
It's interesting.
And I find the most people that come up to me and say, hey, a lot of times they're people that I would like to know anyway.
So it's like you kind of relate to people that you would probably get along with.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
It's like you don't really get fans.
You almost get like, if you had unlimited amount of time, people you would be friends with.
Yeah.
It's kind of interesting.
And you get to talk the whole time, which is great.
In the relationship.
Yeah, that's kind of nice.
That's kind of, it's a little bit hectic, too.
What news we got?
We got any news?
Yeah, let's see.
The Tyson Fury fight was postponed because he tested positive for COVID and so did this camp.
Oh, damn.
Oh, one other thing, one last thing about people we're just talking about, which I'm jealous of, is creating content.
Like we've talked for an hour and a half or something.
Like we can chat and have fun and just talk and there's content and it goes out.
You can monetize it.
What I make, like to make a minute of what I make, like I can't crank this.
I'm going to try, but cranking like seven minutes out a week is, you know, there's a whole TV shows doing, trying to do that.
Yeah.
All with all the staff and everything.
And it's really hard.
So doing a podcast, I think I need to do a podcast.
And so I can, because I think things that come out every week, that's been my, I think, slowing me down is I will take a month break.
Well, you can't burn yourself out also.
It's a lot of work that you do, especially if you're doing the editing.
This Biden thing, no joke, took me about 300 hours.
It took me six weeks to do 20 minutes of this thing.
That's so good.
Yeah, you're making like a, I wonder, but the good thing is it sounds like if now if you got some ad revenue starts to come in, maybe you can hire somebody.
Could you think you could hire somebody to do the edit or is it that close to your?
It's funny.
I've had a couple people edit, but it's like, you know, with comedy, timing is a lot.
It has to be really good timing because I need to go back and adjust little things.
But I need to loosen the reins a little bit and let someone else.
I'm just particular about it.
So I was on IG clips and different things.
I'll be like, oh, what about, you know, because you know the timing.
You know what it is.
You want it to be what you imagine.
And then like I'm doing the lighting and there's no director.
So then I'll do a whole, I'll shoot for like a half hour and then realize like my ear was out of the hat wrong and to go redo it.
There's no one.
There's so many people here.
Why is all these people here?
They all need to be there.
Yeah.
Anyway, I discovered that.
It is pretty fascinating.
You do realize like you're doing it at a lower budget thing or at like a lower level that you realize what everybody's for.
The amount of time I have to deal with wigs is disturbing.
That's beautiful.
It is beautiful.
It is kind of beautiful.
Here we go.
What we got here?
That's just him talking about corn pop.
Oh, yeah.
It's corn pop.
He's a bad dude.
Come on, man.
I learned that it makes a difference.
This was the diving board area, and I was one of the guards, and there weren't a lot of three-meter board.
And if you fell off sideways, you landed on the darn cement over there.
And Cornpop was a bad dude.
And he ran a bunch of bad boys.
And I did.
And back in those days, to show how things have changed, one of the things you had to use, if you used pomade in your hair, you had to wear a bathing cap.
And so he was up on the board, wouldn't listen to me.
I said, hey, Esther, you, off the board, or I'll come up and drag you off.
He didn't say that.
So he came off, and he said, I'll meet you outside.
My car, this was mostly, these were all public housing behind it.
My car, there was a gate out here.
I parked my car outside the gate, and he said, I'll be waiting for you.
He was waiting for three guys in straight razors.
Not a joke.
There was a guy named Bill Wright Mouse, the only white guy, and he did all the pools.
He was the mechanic.
And I said, what am I going to do?
He said, come down here in the basement where mechanics, where all the pool filter is.
You know, the chain, there used to be a chain that went across the deep end.
And he cut off a six-foot-length chain.
He pulled up.
He said, you walk out with that chain.
And you walk to the car and say, you may cut me, man, but I'm going to wrap this chain around your head.
I said, you're kidding me.
He said, no, if you don't, don't come back.
And he was right.
So I walked out with the chain.
And I walked up to my car.
And they had, in those days, you remember the state race.
Get them shirts, get them rusty, put them in a rainbow.
Boring though.
Get them rusty.
And I looked at him, but I was smart.
This looks forced to smoke.
I said, first of all, I said, when I tell you to get off the board, you get off the board, and I'll kick you out again.
But I shouldn't have called you.
Esther Williams, I apologize for that.
He said, you apologize to me?
I said, I apologize, not for throwing you out, but I apologize for what I said.
He said, okay, close the straight razor.
My heart began to beat again.
Got some laughs.
Long story, though.
She was a female swimmer in like the 50s.
That's our president.
And that's when you're doing well.
Not the Sonet.
He was a bad dude, man.
He was a bad dude, man.
Corn pop.
Corn pop.
Hey, corn pop.
I got a chain.
Wrap it around my face.
Not my face.
Corn pop.
Not my face, my thumb.
Where am I?
You feel his whole team was probably just like, their buttholes just clenching as that story went on.
How long is it going to...
I don't think he's going to do a second term.
Second term?
I don't see how he can do another year.
I don't really.
I grew up with a senior citizen father.
It goes pretty quick.
I feel like it's going, right?
Yeah, I do too.
I feel like it's.
It's not a joke, is it?
I mean, I remember when Reagan, towards the end, they hit it.
We won't be told about it.
Reagan was someone's talking about, he was in the plane.
He's like, they look like little ants down there.
He was having to deal with some major issue with Iran or something.
And he just was talking about ants.
Nancy Reagan, this was like right after he just got out of office.
He came home and he would go to a different office just to be in an office.
He'd come home.
He'd came home.
His hand was all wet.
And she's like, what's in your hand?
And he opened up, it was from a fish tank.
It was a White House, a mini White House with a fish to swim around next to.
And he said, this has something to do with me.
It was a fish?
No, it was the White House in his hand.
Oh, a little one?
A little White House from like the fish tank.
And this was like.
He took it out of the bottom.
He took it out of the fish tank.
It was like, this has something to do with it.
He was just at office.
Oh, wow.
Scary.
Anyway.
Almost like.
Everything's fine.
Yeah, like deadliest catch, kind of.
Exactly like that.
Wow.
What did that guy want to know?
Oh, that was Joe Biden.
Sorry.
What was his question, though?
I thought that was a question.
We actually didn't play a question.
Another beard.
One more.
I know.
Are your fans mostly bearded?
You know what I did notice?
The most blue-eyed fans I'd ever seen were in Ohio.
Interesting.
You have a little facial hair.
I wonder if they're copying it.
They're like part of your team.
That's like the sign.
No, I cannot see that.
I actually have a choke.
That's an amazingly thick beard he has.
This man has beautiful hair.
I would fucking put that on the top.
I worry about the top because of the do-rag.
I worry that there's...
He's got that Joey Fatone gene.
Fatone vibes.
I got a question for Mr. Kyle Denagan.
Kyle was curious.
What's with the voice?
Is that just a natural-born talent that you can match your voice to all them people's voices when you're doing impersonations?
Or is that something that you learn you can change your voice like you have the voice of a chameleon?
Something like that.
Anyway, me and my brother Tilton come to see you here in a Richmond.
Oh, little Tilton coming up.
Beautiful.
Bring his little ass out.
Gang, Daddy.
Thank you.
Yeah, do you think you created the voices?
Did you do it when you were little?
What did you do?
Yeah, I would do like, you know, my teachers and stuff like that.
Yeah.
Would you do it at recess and stuff?
Yeah, I remember I did a talent show.
I did some of the voices of the teacher.
One time I got into high school, they did a town show, and someone was like, my friend was like, you should do stand-up.
Another example of someone just telling me what to do, and I just did it.
I look back and I'm like, I had no, and I still struggle.
I had no impetus to be like, I want to do this.
I was just told you should just stand up 20 minutes before the show started.
You know that you can't do that.
So anyway, I just did like impressions of the teacher, but I got suspended and dragged off the stage.
It was my first stand-up show because I did do like some stand-up about, it wasn't even that dirty, but the guy before me got suspended, so there was suspend happy.
I said like something about a cock.
that's something about like, you know, kids talk about, Yeah, cock, or something about dicks.
That's cool.
And the host, this girl my age, came up.
She whispered in the middle of the show, she goes, you can't say that.
Mrs. All is going to suspend you.
It stopped the whole show dead.
And then I was like, I'm not allowed to say penis anymore.
And I started saying other things.
And then they eventually dragged me off.
Anyway, what was my point?
Yeah, I did.
Yeah, I think part of it's like I have a long neck.
I can move My vocal cords really far and stretch them, I think, part of it.
I think the other part is like musically, I think if you have a good ear with like tones, you can kind of match people like that.
Yeah, and yeah, that makes sense, man.
If you can do the piano, and then you can play yourself.
I was also a very disappearing kind of child.
Like, I like Craig, that character, I've been doing that since I was probably seven years old.
I have pictures of me doing that because it was when my mother would listen to these other characters.
This is working at Deep Podcast, but like she would listen.
She wouldn't listen to me, but when I was someone else, she would listen.
So I ended up, I think that pushed me.
You talk about free will.
I think that also pushed me a little bit.
Oh, I could totally see that.
Like creating, finding some way to be heard.
And to not be yourself, do something.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think I got attention for like kids.
You have to be.
Michael Jackson.
That was a big one.
When I was younger, I loved this girl who loved Michael Jackson.
She had Michael Jackson written on her shoes.
And I would do Michael Jackson for her.
It was my way to talk to her.
Really?
I just realized that.
That was probably huge for me to like doing impressions.
You would just go up to her and do it?
or whatever.
Oh yeah.
I do some water.
I see it behind me.
I don't remember.
I don't know.
I don't know.
One day I saw she scraped.
She scraped Michael Jackson off her shoe and I was devastated.
Like I felt like it was me.
She was scraping away.
Dude, I remember the first time I ever touched a boob went to the movies, right?
And this girl was jacked.
My first girlfriend was a fucking second based on the baseball team, I think.
Really?
Jack.
And that makes the boobs look smaller when she's got big shoulders, right?
She's a tight boob.
Dude, it could have been a guy.
It could have been a guy named Susanna.
She's beautiful, grew up to be a beautiful lady.
But at the time, she just had these hard fucking ripping tits.
And that was your first experience with boobs?
Yeah.
Do you like them like that?
Because it was your first?
Sometimes that lights up.
I remember one time I met this lady in North Carolina, and she had breasts where they were like malleable.
Like you could shape them into like a diper.
Yeah, and they would stay.
No way.
There's something wrong with that.
Bro, it blew my mind.
And it was so scary being at her place because I felt like I was on drugs.
I think I'd probably been drinking or maybe had a little bit of weird.
That might have been a breast implant that was bad.
It could have been a bad.
Yeah.
That's definitely what it was, I think.
Yeah.
That's not a problem.
It would have been some heavy play dough in there or something.
But it was, yeah, I remember you could shape it and it would stay that way.
Yeah, you can go to Mexico and get some weird stuff put in.
Get those lava lamp tits where they kind of move up and down.
Yeah, yeah.
It's crazy.
Like glow.
But anyway, what was that question?
There wasn't one.
Oh, I was a movie.
Yeah.
Feeling into her bra and just fucking blew.
You just leaned over and slid it in?
We're making out at the movies, man.
Oh, I just got a flash of something.
Yeah.
We're making out at the movies.
Yeah.
And I just, she had a button-up.
She wore a lot of button-ups.
Okay, kind of unique for a young woman, but a lot of buttons.
Professional.
Yeah.
She was a pro.
Yeah.
She was a pro.
So you leaned, did you unbutton or did you slide in in between?
And she let you.
I tried to go up the bottom, but the buttons.
The texture cut my, the, the tautness from where the buttons in the shirt cut my ability to reach up.
So then I had to go in through the.
He must be like, look at this guy's trying to sneak in.
They have so much time to just judge us.
Oh, yeah.
We were making out hot and heavy, dude.
Yeah.
God, we were fucking.
This is your first boob.
Oh.
And you reached in.
Strong.
Well, actually, the first breast I ever touched, but it was more child.
We were more real, real child, real children.
This girl, they had an electric fence.
Girl, let me feel a tip through it.
Do the electric fence?
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
That's got to.
You might be into kinky shit.
That's your first experience.
It was scary, man.
It was hard and it was risky.
And I think it always made me really nervous after that.
Cause it was like you're like, boy, that's linked up with sexuality and risk.
Because you could barely, like, I had to like barely kind of get my fingers over.
And she had her boob out or just was over shirt?
She had like a little sundress kind of on.
So it was over.
Oh, oh, nine.
Okay, that's a little young.
So it wasn't a tit yet.
I mean, it was, it was a, you know, it's still.
You still liked it.
I remember seeing down a girl's shirt when I was like seven.
She was like six and I thought it was hot somehow at that age.
I don't know how.
I was like, I was seeing something I wasn't supposed to.
Oh, yeah.
But there was nothing there.
We used to watch the movies with friends.
I had like pretty hot friends in high school.
This girl Leslie Gerard.
Put my arm around her.
Yeah.
I wasn't dating her.
I never had guts to make a move or anything.
You just put your arm around her.
I remember watching a movie, and I remember pushing down on her top boob here, and that was so hot to me.
Can you imagine that being like...
Even though it was far away from the nipple, but it was like, it was mushy.
Still counts.
Oh, man.
It's so disturbing to be a guy.
Somebody needs to answer that clown phone.
I think this thing is ringing off the bottom.
It's available.
I should still have that.
Man, well, we learned a lot today.
Whatever you do, Carl, you just have to keep going, man.
We just need you in the world.
Thank you, too.
So entertaining to watch, bro.
I love it.
I really do feel like I'm doing what I like to do, which is awesome.
Only thing is I'm exhausted, but I'm happy.
That's fine.
I don't have a social life at all.
You don't?
I really don't.
I mean, I had a girl come this past weekend.
She stayed for the weekend.
She's a disaster.
Where'd she come from?
England.
What?
She lives here, but she came back early.
She was working in England.
Like, her thing got postponed because of COVID, but she flew in.
It was really, yeah, it didn't.
What was it, a disaster?
It was so much drama, dude.
I was really like my best self.
You know, I wasn't even me.
I was like this prince who hold door opens, get you what you want.
And I told her before she came, I was like, I have to work.
I have this thing I'm making.
I don't need to feel ignored.
I learned that.
Because girls would be like, you didn't tell me.
I was like, don't come if you're going to feel ignored.
I've got to work.
And she's like, oh, I've got plenty to do.
So the first few days I took off, which I couldn't even afford, but I really did like her and it was going well.
And then the third day, right when I started working, it was like, I mean, she was crying on the couch.
She was like, she was in the dark at one point, just like sitting in the dark.
And I'm like, Japanese?
I see why you asked that, but no.
But I would like be rushing to work because I just did until four in the morning.
She knew I was getting like an hour's sleep, and still she couldn't.
Some people can't not have attention.
It really is disturbing.
And I do like the free will thing.
I don't think she could help it.
It was just very uncomfortable for her, for me to work.
We're such creatures of discomfort.
It's a lot of life is balancing your discomfort, really.
Yeah.
Or hiding it.
Yeah, you're going pleasure, pain.
You're going like how much pleasure is going to be to how much pain.
And then you'd make your subconscious makes a decision.
That's going back to free will.
And then you think you thought it and you didn't.
See, that's the part I don't know because I think there's some free willies out there, man.
It feels like it.
But no, that's just the trick.
That's the trick.
Leslie Glacier Nikki Glazier was in here talking about that.
Oh, yeah.
She loves Sam Harris.
Yeah, she loves it.
And so I'll investigate and see if I can get some feedback for you.
I would like to hear your thoughts on it because I also disturbed by it.
I had to put the book down.
They did scientific experiments where they know which hand they're going to raise before the person knows it.
Uh-uh.
And what is that for?
Pledge of Allegiance?
No, just experiment.
Oh.
Yeah, I don't know.
I would always, I usually get the wrong one and then I do the right one.
Yeah, and then they also found people make up why they decided it.
And the experimenters know it's pretty freaky.
Freaky stuff going on, guys.
You are a robot.
You can audio book.
You can download it.
It's not long.
Why do you serve that?
I don't know.
There's some things.
It's like, why do we allow them to exist?
It's like.
It's no fun.
You're right.
It's no fun.
Right.
And having no heaven is insanity.
I hate not having a heaven.
Although I'll tell you one thing.
Not having a heaven, it does make you wake up here.
Like, if this is it, it's almost a crime to not realize this is it.
I got to get busy.
Yeah.
You know, but you did DMT.
Have you tried DMT yet?
No, I'm scared.
I want.
I'm too scared.
If you try it, then you see what happens when you die.
I'm terrified.
You'll be fine.
You might not.
I feel like I'm mentally not ready.
Yeah, you might want to stay where you are.
You're doing good where you are.
You might.
We need you in this realm.
Kyle Dungan, ladies and gentlemen, you can check out Craig's News Live.
You can check out The Fresh Prince of DC.
YouTube's a place to go.
I'm done with Instagram.
There's no money.
And you can find Theo here in a bunch of other places.
You can find me here.
His website.
Do some other podcasts, Amanda.
I would love to do more.
Yeah, this has been great chat.
And also, I think our fight idea is not something that should die here.
This should be something we talk about.
Yeah, maybe in the comments, you guys could put other bouts that might be good.
Who would you like to see?
I would love to see Bobby Lee.
He just doesn't have the physical acumen anymore.
He wouldn't do it.
And his body's fading fast.
We can't have someone drop dead.
That's the worst thing.
Yeah.
They don't have to be comedians.
Maybe we could just start our own fight club that's like funnier or it's more like because these things are no fun.
If you see Lamar Odom and what's his name fight?
That kid?
Nick Carter?
Aaron Carter.
We could probably just contact these people and be like, here's $100,000.
These fans want to see it.
That's a lot of money.
It's a lot of money for someone who was on Saved by the Bell or something and wants some money.
Like Elizabeth.
That guy died.
Dustin Diamond.
But Elizabeth's still alive.
But yeah, they just had Aaron Carter and Lamar Odom just be.
I mean, this was insane, bro.
Wait, who?
Aaron Carter's nuts.
Wait a minute.
The reach is insane.
Oh, he's six feet.
He's not that short, but Jesus.
This guy has an 11-inch reach advantage.
I worry about Lamar's heart, to be honest.
When did this happen?
How did he miss this?
Chuck Lego.
Lamar does have Coke.
What?
It was like two weeks ago.
No one knew.
No one knew somehow.
How many views does this have?
Let's do this.
Look at this little twerp.
He's six feet.
Oh, my God.
He's throwing bombs.
Oh, just one little flick.
That did nothing to Lamar, though, huh?
I don't know.
Lamar is that fucking co-kart, dude.
I bet it did.
Now it's started getting real.
Now it's over.
Man, this is a hate crime, man.
He's six feet tall?
That's a hate crime.
He's seven feet.
Who's six feet, Aaron?
That's what it says.
He is six feet.
He looks five feet tall there.
Now he's just on the run.
Oh, my God.
He's got to answer to that.
What is Lamar?
He's got the low pants even on the fight.
Who's hotter, you think, out of these two guys?
No homo.
Lamar or Aaron?
Harder.
That's tough, huh?
It depends what they're doing to me.
Am I doing something to them or am I receiving?
No, no, no both of you guys, you're not even around them.
It's just, yeah, this isn't a date, dude.
It's just like you see them somewhere.
Or just, they're both swimming.
I mean, you're talking about their headgears blocking their face, but I would.
Body-wise?
No, just I'm not talking about them overall.
Who's hotter out of these two man?
Who's hotter?
And I don't care who is.
Wait a minute.
Is there more fighting?
I hope.
Is that it?
That was it?
They ended it early, I thought.
Lamar's hotter.
I mean, he destroyed him.
But we could have something like that.
Yeah.
We host it?
Would I host it?
We host it.
You and I got to host it.
You and me and you host the fight.
They could wear big headgear.
It's still funny, but they won't get hurt.
And it's still funny to see.
Who would we get to fight?
We could have the fans.
We could just ask what they want to see because there's a lot of people that be celebrities that you don't see anymore, but someone who's on full house or something that they need money right now.
You give them money.
They go in the ring.
We get 90%.
Just kidding.
Kimmy Gibler versus Elton John's son.
Yes.
Magic Johnson's son.
I think the audience will come up with really creative people.
Send in videos to TPW with your suggestions.
Yeah, because if they come up with...
Right.
But how do we make the money so we can pay them?
We do a live show.
We rent out a little area for the ring we rent a ring it'd be easy to do it'd be easy but say then how do people buy it they buy it on pay-per-view so we advertise we could do one of those live shows things like they do we advertise okay so let's say for example we sell 10 000 tickets right to the live box 50 000 yeah okay if you think we could our two audiences okay say we sell twenty five thousand tickets that's going to be safe yeah okay ten dollars a pop okay i think you can probably have more you
can get probably fifteen people fighting their fame that they're their beloved characters from tv you're gonna make 300 grand then so you're gonna have to pay 100 grand to the fighters so that's 50 each for the two fighters you can make 200 you're gonna owe probably 10 to the you're gonna probably have 10 in charges and like venue and insurance so then you're down to 120 and then we gotta pay 12 musical acts that's
true we're gonna have to get a musical act to perform too i can get one so cheap that's amazing but also now look at this we need more fights that's only one fight we need three fights well the undercards are gonna get it's just gonna be for fun they're gonna get a few couple of grand and maybe the the the the the the they get 30 grand each i don't think you even need to pay them that i really don't it's fun they'll have a headgear on it's fun i would do it if anyone cared what i'd jump in the ring on local fun on local fights the undercard fighters usually they
get like a 200 but then they get like what about down and outs someone who's like needs fucking money who are you talking about somebody in a coma no someone who's just like their wife took all their shit some story we built this guy needs a this guy needs five grand yeah and then we show the clip of him like fuck my wife that fucking bitch that bitch and then maybe it's a guy who cheated on his wife with him we develop a nice little story like hey i'm randall yeah i fuck his wife i don't care i'll beat him his ass too yeah i've been fucking her and
i've been hitting her i could edit that package yeah dude that's okay now you're talking we built we could put those videos on our whatever his little clips get them excited you know yeah yeah i hammered his wife and i'm still looking at him yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah colin theo's boxing down and out down and out boxing blowout and then there's a prize i don't know there's some nudity yeah nude card girls and
men and men nude men and women card girls and boys they just come out with their dicks i would get children no we do it in a uh international area we do it on children's island and it's and it's nude children this is why we workshop now yeah yeah we got it we got more to talk about but something like okay okay we're on to a good idea guys you can follow find kyle done we'll put his links to his youtube channel actually we'll put it as the first link the first link to this video is to kyle's youtube channel please
go and subscribe to it so you can see him yeah please like let's get that algorithm let's let's let's get that algorithm you want to have sex again all right can't do it dude it's been fun being here good chatting with you yeah man we were done okay now i'm just footing on the breeze and i feel i'm falling like these leaves i must be cornerstone oh but
when i reach that ground i'll share this piece of mind i found i can feel it in my bones but it's gonna take a little time for me to slap apart and
let myself on the
runaway train with a heavy load of my past and these realms once so thin that they're damn near gone i guess now they just were built to lay ladies and gentlemen i'm jonathan kite and welcome to kite club a podcast where i'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events stand-up stories and seven ways to pleasure your partner the answer may shock you sometimes
i'll interview my friends sometimes i won't and as always i'll be joined by the voices in my head you have three new voice messages a lot of people are talking about kite club i've been talking about kite club for so long longer than anybody else so great hi sweet is it they anyone who doesn't listen to kite club is a dodgy bloody wanker jarmine is
