Theo talks about his recent experience with intensive therapy in Arizona, breaks down the Olympics controversy and Tour de France crash, and discusses how far Sonic restaurant has fallen since his childhood heyday. Plus, Theo sits down with his little nephews, Max and Zephy, to ask them some very important questions.
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I'll suck that jelly, bro, right out your freaking nephew's neck.
You know this.
You know what I'm saying?
I'll get that she's serves, boy.
I'll suck that preserves right out your grandmother's freaking spinal column, boy.
You know?
L5S Yum, baby.
You feel me?
I'm getting it.
And let's start this podcast today, baby.
I got that raspy voice.
And a lot of y'all already wet from it, baby.
A lot of y'all already greased up down in that bottom knuckle, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
That wiener.
And a lot of y'all fellas probably already sadly, I mean, not sadly, it's okay.
And it's good if you are.
But some of y'all already probably dripping off that bag from daddy.
Making y'all damp, baby.
But that's what it is.
What it is, what it ain't.
Does the baby need a spank?
Let's go.
You know it.
and i know I'm on a come up Yeah Feels real good after I've been so blue I'm on a come up I'm on a come up You know it It feels so good to have a brand new view
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Well, I just broke off with my baby Now I can finally get the love in you Come on Here on a come up
Well, I just moved up to Lucky Street When the mayor came and said to me Here on a come up Here on a come up And it's plain to see between you and me We got so much lovin'in chemistry It's found a come up It's been a come up Where good things keep on comin'And there ain't gonna be no runnin'
No, I'm on a come up Mmm He's on a come up Well, I just got home and now I'm back I got so many people asking where I'm at I've been to Tennessee I'm in Ohio Atosca-loosia Women know I'm on a come up Yeah Mmm Mmm Nothing really more to say Hey He's on a come up
Well, if you're asking me what I really wanna do There you go, right there, and you know exactly what it is, baby, and what it ain't.
Does the baby does the baby need a spank?
That's Eddie 9 Volt.
Right there, Eddie 9V with the come up.
And I actually went to see them play the other night over there in out in the Central East.
I went and tried to see them.
And I got there late because that's the kind of guy I am.
You know?
Hell, I'll be late to everything, man.
You know, I climb and moan coughing late.
There'll be people out there at my funeral.
And I climb, I'll show up and be like, oh, sorry, guys.
You know, traffic.
You know, where I was just, you know, my hair was wet.
And then I'll get in there.
I climb it and coughing everybody.
Okay, go on about your thing.
You know.
Had me a liquid death.
I got to keep that pole moist, baby.
I got to keep that.
I got to keep my spout lavished up because my throat.
I was out in Phoenix out there.
The rally in the valley.
People are fired up out there about their hoops team.
And they're playing hoops out there.
They got a lot of brothers out in the desert and I think one white.
And they hooping the hell out of the damn ball out there.
And that's it.
And so everybody's fired up out there.
And I was out there.
I was out there.
And, man, it was, dude, it was definitely a good time.
Good time out there.
I stayed at this kind of sober living place while I was there.
And it was, they had a guy, like, one night they had, somebody got in a motorcycle accident.
And they came to the door, like the police came.
And I felt kind of bad because the day before we were all going to the gym.
If you've never been to a sober living, sometimes when you're there, everybody, you get in a van and y'all all go somewhere together because you just, that's who you are.
You know, it's like a daycare, but for adults that are that would sometimes rather probably have drugs than lunch.
So if you're like lunchtime and somebody shot up, it's like that sort of camaraderie, that sort of club style, style.
And so, um, so anyway, we got there.
I got there and because I went to this therapy thing for a week to this like kind of intensive therapy place because you know me, bruh.
I got, uh, I either have something, I either got, you know, I'm always put pressing the gas on that something's wrong with me pedal, you know?
So I'm in that freaking HOV lane, bro.
something's wrong with everybody.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm bringing us all aboard.
So, anyway, I'm at this sober living dude.
They got a guy.
It's like, you know, it's regular people.
If you've ever been to one, it's a real hodgepodge of America.
It's kind of like a lost and found, but a couple more lost.
It's lost heavy.
And so I'm there, you know, I roll up and they got a dope.
There's one guy, 65-ish, you know.
And whenever you ask him anything, hey man, what's going on?
Just staying sober.
Just staying sober.
What you doing?
He just needed to be sober.
He would put his hands up like it was like the police were.
Like every time he was like, hey, man, is there any milk?
I'm just being sober.
You know, not from around here.
Like, everything was like, I remember like one time I just asked him a question, you know.
I was like, hey, what's the weather like?
And he handed me his license and registration.
So, you know, there's some real, you know, America's top miscreants.
You know, it's the real, it's regular folks, man.
You know, and I could have stayed in a hotel or motel or, hell, I could have been homeless if I wanted to, but I chose to be here, there, where I was.
So, yeah, it was wild.
They had a Hasidic Jewish dude.
I don't know if you ever even seen this.
This guy had on like all these coats.
He had like, he looked like, he looked like Biggie Smalls, but like Biggie Smallsberg, kind of.
Like he had on like, he had on like a jacket.
It was so thick.
It was 1 probably 11 degrees out there.
You know, you could feel a fucking, I mean, it felt like there was a dragon outside.
That's the levels of air heat.
Because the air will hold heat.
The air is just really just a briefcase for damn heat or cold.
You know?
That's Mother Nature's briefcase, man.
The air.
Because that's where she puts all of her shit, you know?
But anyway, so this fella, man, he was as, I mean, he was, you know, this little gimbal spinner was about as damn Jewish as you could get.
He had on, he had on the hat.
The hat had on a hat.
He had like, he, uh, and if you haven't seen a Hasidic Jewish person, you got to look it up.
Because I'd never seen it.
I'd seen it maybe, you know, in the distance.
I'd seen like one of these HJs at a distance, but I'd never seen up close.
You know?
And this fella, he had on the hat, he had on the drapes, the curtains.
He had on a door.
He had on 19 layers of clothing.
He had socks.
His socks were wearing brasiers.
I can't even imagine.
He was wearing about four loads of laundry.
And he shows up and he's like, holy!
And it was 119 degrees.
And if you don't know anything about Hasidic culture, they can't drive on the Sabbath on like from Friday sundown, I think, until Saturday sundown.
So these fellas, these bad boys and girls, they got to walk.
So this dude had basically, I mean, he'd probably come from Mars.
You could hear his, like, his shoes, it was just whatever, it was just like, he's like, hi!
It's hot.
Like, yeah, it's hot, man.
And so, you know, people's there, everybody, you know, it's a damn sober living.
Some dude, you know, one guy in the kitchen, I'm like, oh, man, we're having dinner.
I'm like, this salad is so good.
And he's like, yeah, it's really good.
I was dead for 30 minutes two weeks ago.
So everything's good.
Like, damn, okay, bro.
Okay, man.
Damn.
So you really, you really tasting this ranch.
You really tasting this fat-free ranch today.
And you're really enjoying and appreciating and gratitude in that ranch.
But this is, what, it was cool that they had like a little place to swim in the back and it was so hot.
The water, you got in the water, it was like being in a, it was like hiding in somebody's mouth.
Say you had, say you were playing hide-and-go-seek with people and somebody had a heat stroke.
A real big person, big, big, probably 11 feet tall, maybe 600 pounds.
And you hid in their mouth during hide-and-go-seek.
And you hid in their mouth.
That would be what the heat was like, that hot, you know, somebody who had a heat stroke and was also they were lazy.
They was also, somebody was pouring heat on them.
Somebody had two bags of damn heat and was just filling them bitches up with it, warming them.
So that was wild.
And then, so the crazy thing is, so we're all going to the gym one day and this one fella had gotten a new motorbike.
And he's kind of coasting through the red lights and just living life, you know.
And, you know, and I respect no helmets because the Lord is looking for some people.
And everybody wants to be alive and everything.
And I get it, but we don't know what it's like when you die.
I mean, it must.
Here's the thing: it's so good, I bet it's so good.
Nobody's coming back from it.
There was a couple ghosts, I think, that came back allegedly from the 1700s or whatever.
But them bitches, apparently, they fixed heaven up because nobody's been coming back.
Name the last ghost you even heard about.
You know, Ray Charles maybe or somebody.
I don't even know who.
I mean, he's not a ghost.
I mean, he's blind, but that's not a ghost.
A ghost is if you can't see them.
So he's like a reverse ghost, you know?
But, but anyway, so we're out there.
We're going to the gym in the van.
You know, if you do sober living, just, you know, you're that dirty grade school class.
You know, you're just that, you know, you're a little more lost than found.
And so we rolling out, and this other fella had gotten a motorcycle.
And so we zipping and zoo dadding and doing this and doing that and let my daddy.
And I tell the other guys in the van, I said, hey, I said, I used to talk about organ donation.
Cause my sister, make sure my head is all right.
My sister got an organ when I was a child.
And she got liver.
She got liver.
And which I would have got two hearts.
You know?
You're like, hey, what do you need?
I'll be like, hey, man, throw another freaking throw another pump in here.
You know what I'm saying?
Boy, I'll be running hot, dude.
All the dance moves you could do if you was double-hearted.
So anyway, so anyway, this guy's skirting and stuff.
We're all headed to the gym.
This guy's skirting around on his bike.
And I say, man, guys, you know, I said, he's really reckless.
You know, he's a reckless man out here.
And I said, a lot of organ donors.
The next day I come home.
And the fella, the police had shown up and the fella had been in a accident, in a coma, or comma.
You know, they're both pauses.
And we're like, what?
I'm like, am I predicting the future right now?
So it was just, you know, and I hope he's not.
You know, I need to check and see if he's, I'm going to text somebody right now.
See if the guy's still combing it up.
Yeah, I'm going to see if he's okay.
So anyway, they had a candlelight vigil like on the third night, the fifth night.
It was cool.
We got to sit in there and watch some basketball games together and hockey, the Canadiens, you know, those frogs, bro.
I don't know if anybody follows hockey, but it'd be awesome to cheer for the Canadians if everybody else in Canada didn't hate them.
That's the weird thing.
Montreal's like kind of that French bad boy, you know?
It's like everybody else is in a big fight, and then you got some dude over there smoking a cigarette and sucking on the freaking, on the, on the dirty side of a crepe, you know what I'm saying?
That back hole, baby, that back jaw, you know?
Somebody freaking, you know, sneaking into a crepe all nasty from the back, dude.
Eat a crepe from the front, you creep.
And crepe and creep is just one letter different, bruh.
So if you want nasty eggs, dog, get them French, you feel me?
Get them French.
Praise God, man.
And then the last day I'm there, the Hasidic guy shows up.
Hello!
This dude had, I mean, I don't think you'd ever seen regular non-SIDS, you know, non-Hasidic people because it's a real tight cult.
It's basically like they're like the financial Native Americans kind of, you know, they're real, or I don't, they're like, man, they're real religious, like way religious.
Like I was telling my friend Josh Wolf about it, and he said that Hasidic people don't even consider him Jewish.
They're like, you got to be in there.
But that guy, they gave him a chapstick, somebody, and he never used it.
So for the next like 14 hours, this dude is over there just going hard, bro.
Just going hard on some pink lemonade, baby.
He had that pink lemonade chapstick, and every dude, about every nine seconds, you'd look over and he'd be like, oh.
Dude, that dude, I think he, by the time I left, man, he had chapstick his whole face.
He had chapstick his, he just couldn't stop, man.
You know, and thankfully we're all, you know, everybody that's in the places had some issues with addiction, so at least he's in the right place now.
But, and also, at least if the sun hits him now out there, he'll have a little bit of a of a block on him, you know, because that's hello.
Dude, it was anyway, it was needless to say, it was a wild week.
But what else?
We had Mario Gutierrez.
If you get to check out that jockey episode, man, it was real fascinating to hear about a jockey.
And just to see that you're on the horse, You know, that it's on the horse, you know, like you ever get the sushi, they put the rice down first.
You know, they put that little baby bed of rice, bruh, and then they hit that bitch, that little dose of fish, bad.
You feel me?
They really just lace that thing up with that little freaking, it's just like a little baby sleeping bag of pescado on their fish.
Get your little tuna on there or something.
A little salmon, you know.
Some people go, eel, perverts, but I don't.
I don't.
But that's kind of how it is with that jockey that the horse is that rice, and then it set that thing right on there.
You know.
So it was just real interesting to hear what it's like to be that little baby bird and be going for the prize and getting the money for the rich people.
And it's really just rich people saying, hey, won't you ride on this for me?
I mean, let's.
It's rich people paying small people to ride on an animal, which is very Roman sounding, I think.
But what do I know?
My nephews are in town.
I'm going to try to have them on this podcast at the end of the episode.
What will that be like?
I don't know.
But I think it'll, even if it's just for a few minutes, I think it'll be entertaining to them.
And yeah, that could be fun, man.
Got an announcement to make.
Gonna tape a Netflix special coming up.
And that's gonna be in Nashville, Tennessee.
We will tape it in the Central East.
It's just the way it worked out.
I was looking to go to Dallas, but I'm also very excited to be in Nashville for it.
So that's going to be a real excitement time.
And I just feel lucky.
I feel lucky that I have the opportunity, you know, to get out there and we'll light up the dark arts.
That's what it's going to be.
You know, so if you've already seen the dark arts, you might not want to see it.
If you want to see the dark arts in a theater and you haven't seen that, we'll be taping that over at the Rhyming and we're going to do a couple of shows.
And I'm excited about it, man.
I'm really excited about it.
Come on, hello.
I'm upstairs.
I'm upstairs.
Still thinking of tour names?
Return of the rat has been ringing around in my head.
Return of the rat.
What else can I tell you that happened?
Oh, got an update.
The fella is still.
Oh, he's still in a coma.
Oh.
And he has brain damage, actually.
So, man.
My heart goes out to him.
And it just.
You know, this guy was a warrior.
The second you saw this guy, he was a warrior, you know.
He's just one of those people that just, some people just are so fearless.
You know, this fella was just tatted up, just freaking, he was a real warrior.
And there's something to be said for going out hard.
And I'm going to keep him in my prayers, man.
And hopefully he bounces back.
But just a crazy timing.
Just what a week at that place.
You know, what a week at that place.
And it just reminded me how much I don't spend that much time around people.
And so it was nice just to be around people.
You know, to sit and watch the game split a little orange, bruh.
Oh, you want some orange?
Oh, you want some orange?
Oh, this dude's nodding off, bruh.
He's been on them heroin hitters, dog.
Wake him up and fucking hit him with that vitamin C baby slice, dog.
That anaranjado.
And I think that means orange in Spanish.
What else is going on?
I've been trying not to masturbate, man.
And I haven't been having any luck with it.
Or I have been having luck with it.
But I haven't.
I've been masturbating.
That's what I'm saying.
So.
Yeah, I'm not bad or anything.
I'm not a bad guy.
I just been masturbating, man.
Sometimes I get squirreled out.
You know, sometimes I just get so, like at night, sometimes I get so squirreled out.
And it feel like the devil just put damn 70 squirrels in my fucking arms.
And I just, I get like that.
And I just have to damn, I just have to make something come, you know?
And I hate to say it like that, but I just have to damn, you know, I hate to use that language, but I just, I got to make something, you know, I just feel like I got to make something spray.
And I'm glad I'm, you know, at that point, I'm glad I'm doing it to myself and not, you know, on, you know, on taking somebody else's body or, you know, doing anything wild, you know.
So, so yeah, sometimes you just got to, you know, all you got is that little baby griddle, you know, and you got to grill your own cake.
And that's what I've been doing sometimes.
So I would like to back off of that, especially in the summer, man.
You don't want to be jerking yourself down and then the heats hit and you're like, oh, fuck.
I feel like a raisin and I don't have any coom in my body, bro.
I don't have any of that freaking NUT, that newt.
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You know, I've been having a tough time with the Sonic commercials.
Is that the only place that we are eating now?
Is that it?
Every commercial I see is just Sonic.
It's like, hey, is that the best we can do as a family now is to sit together in a car somewhere?
There's some kid.
He's like, he's 11 genders.
He's got that coin thing on his belt or her belt or on his neck.
He's on suicide watch.
He's on a ransom list.
He's an orphan.
He's a burn victim.
It's always somebody that works there.
They have every impediment you could have.
You know, the guy been hit by a car.
He's been hit by a truck.
You know, it's like it's definitely somebody that God is looking for.
Okay.
That's who is the employee.
And they used to roller skate out to you.
You know, kind of cute.
A little scary when the girl will come out and roller skates is pregnant.
That's the spooky one.
You're like, okay, we just wanted a couple blizzards.
We don't want no zygote, but I hope Henrietta don't trip on one of these cracks in the pavement.
You know, we'll just, you know, God forbid, you know, she lose her child because we wanted a damn McFlazzle.
And then the family, your family's sitting in there, dad's in the front.
I just wonder what is this like for kids now?
At least when I was a kid, we went to the pizza hut.
We went in there.
My dad got a beer or pulled one out of his pocket that he brought in there and asked for a cold glass.
My mom sat kind of near my dad.
I don't think she cared about him, but I do think she wanted pizza.
I really do.
And we would sit in there.
They would give us some quarters.
My dad always had quarters.
You know, he was older.
They had quarters.
They used to have quarters.
And he would get a couple out, give them to us.
We'd go play the video games.
We lose.
Sometimes we fuck up.
It takes three quarters.
You put in one.
You're fucked.
You know, you didn't read the direction.
You're just hitting the button.
Nothing happens.
You tell the guy there, he doesn't know he makes pizza.
You tell the delivery guys going on.
You're like, the quarter.
He's like, I'm high.
I just got robbed.
You're like, well, we're getting robbed.
Everybody's getting robbed.
And then we played a game.
Then when we'd had any more, we would look under the machines.
One of us would, we would use all of our little baby strength to lift the machine up.
Somebody would reach under there, pull out half a hamster full of hair, pull out half a hamster of hair.
Four barrettes.
You know, and maybe a quarter.
Maybe a quarter comes out with it.
Then we get the pizza, the deep dish.
Pizza Hut used to have the best pizza.
Pizza Hut is a crust of its former self.
Now they're shooting the fucking crust up with cheese.
It's like, you know, it's like that Bob Baffert scandal.
You know, You don't know what they're injecting into this shit to get you to believe in it.
I remember when the crust stood on its own.
You know, when is a real Italian gonna make a pizza place that has some freaking zagon, huh?
When are you gonna put some real gonads on the fucking pie so we can enjoy it again?
This shit out here, Domino, it's just a flavor.
It's not even a thing.
It's not even, it's barely pizza.
And Sonic, you're sitting, dad's in the front.
It's like the best we can do as a family is drive, sit in the car.
You got the kid in the back.
He has probably asthma and autism and asthmatism.
He fucking can't breathe or know what's going on if there's loud noises.
It just, you know, dad's up there spilling chili on himself.
Mom's over there huffing birth control.
You know, I just don't know.
It used to be, at least on the commercials, they were around a dinner table.
Now it's like, hey, drive over here.
You know?
Park here by the freaking busy road.
Oh, smell the exhaust.
While little Lawrence in the back seat chokes on his damn grilled cheese.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm salty about it.
I don't know why I'm salty about it.
I like it.
I like it.
It takes forever, though.
At least there used to be the roller skating girl.
You know, you see a couple young tits come out on some wheels, you know, make you touch a fucking crotch for a second.
But now, you know, who knows what it is now?
It's just damn, you know, it's some kid.
He comes to the window.
He tells you he's an orphan.
He's like, you know, I'm an orphan.
I'm like, do you have the burgers?
Okay?
We're not here for anything but the burgers.
Do you have the burgers?
Do you have the burgers?
Hey, do you have the burgers?
He's like, I used to be in a wheelchair.
You're like, do you have the burgers?
I can't live downstairs anymore, baby, because you know where I am.
Amen, baby.
Praise God, Rat King.
Oh.
What else?
What else happened?
I got some plants.
I got some dang marigolds.
I got some azaleas.
I put in, I installed them bastards.
Went over there to Home Depot.
And the crazy thing about Home Depot, they give you that cart in the plant section.
It has like 12 wheels, but it also only somehow has two wheels.
You know?
It doesn't go any direction, really.
It looks like kind of a piece of a merry-go-round that got taken apart.
You're like, I know where I'll just take this right over.
Freaking kill some contractor.
You're just trying to buy a damn gradioli.
What else, man?
Let's go to a call.
We got a lot of cool stuff.
Here's something that happened in the news.
Bring out a sign, and down goes Tony Martin.
Oh, Tony Martin.
You hate to see this.
I don't know what I think of this yet.
I'm going to have to take a day to process what I think of the spectators on the side of the road.
But yeah, unfortunately.
Tony Martin.
And that is the Tour de France, which is basically steroiding and biking.
I've met other friends in it.
They're all, this whole thing is just a damn dope show.
I mean, it's basically Marilyn Manson, but everybody's real athletic.
It's everybody's out here.
It's all just, I mean, they're drinking each other's blood at night.
They're doing it all.
You know, these people's on antifreeze, over freeze, decadent.
They're shooting 200 damn things a decadent right under their damn armpit.
Testosterone.
Everything.
These guys are fired up.
They're French and they're fired up.
And somebody got in the way with a sign.
And I'm not going to say who it was.
It was a woman.
And I'm not going to say who it was.
Allegedly, I don't know if they know who it was yet.
But some lady, some meme-making fuck whistle, okay, and yeah, I'm fired up today, got in the way with a sign so they could get a cute video while the French, okay, no matter what you think about them, are doing this shit.
And I think they should have let the guys I think you almost got to let them go back and run over the ladies' legs with the bike.
That's it seems fair.
Got some shows added.
St. Louis, we have, it might be sold out.
If it is, we might add another one.
Cincinnati, you can get tickets.
Charlotte, you can get tickets still.
And Durham.
Chattanooga, Show added there.
Knoxville, Wilmington Wilkes Bar, Minneapolis, Richmond, Baltimore, Portland, Maine, Burlington, Vermont, Albany, show added, Buffalo at Kleinhein's Music Hall, and Columbus.
We've added a show over there.
And I'm going to say thank you, man.
You know, I think I was really scared over the pandemic.
You know, I just said, when I get back out there, will people come and see it?
You know, and so I'm excited to know that you guys are coming.
And I'm going to bring some heat, man.
I'm going to bring a little bit of heat.
So get your chapstick on your face.
Okay?
Because daddy's about to blaze them eyebrows off.
You know what I'm saying?
Gang, gang, boy.
I'll eat one of my damn nuts, bruh.
You know what I'm saying?
And say I didn't, fam.
Gang shit.
All right.
But that was a tour de France, and that's what's going on.
That's what happens when you're fucking around out there.
So, you know, and everybody, it's just, it's just, we've come to that place where it's more about the picture of the thing than even the event is going on.
It's more about the meme.
It's more about the moment.
It's interesting because it's the minutiae.
It's more...
But also, would anyone even know about the Tour de France if this lady wasn't standing there with a sign?
Would anybody even know that these freaking Royd monsters who were blowing their nuts out?
Remember, Launce Armstrong blew one of his damn nuts out shooting up.
I mean, you know, if he stands on his head, that's like a seal with a ball on his nose.
You know?
That dude's one riding, bro.
And he.
And at least we knew because he won so many.
But if the sign shit doesn't happen, maybe it could all be a ploy.
It could all be a ploy to get us to watch.
So here's a couple of video questions that came in.
I want to thank you guys for sending them in.
What's up, guys?
Vo a quick question.
My roommate's dating a roller derby chick.
She's 6'3 ⁇ , has a pretty crazy mullet.
It's nothing like yours.
But every time she comes home with my roommate, she wants to fight me, tickle me.
She's always saying really rude things to me.
What do you think I should do about this?
Because I can't hit her.
I could easily beat the shit out of her, but she's pretty big.
She wants to act like a guy.
Should I treat her like a dude or should I just treat her like some weirdo at the gas station?
You know, I was at the gas station the other night, man, and it's shit is lit out there.
There's a fellow there, I swear it was Bobby Lee, okay?
And Bobby will deny it because he's sleeping.
You know, no wonder you live forever if you're Asian.
If you sleep 21 hours a day, then you're probably going to live a long time.
So I think a big gal like that, take her back, man.
I think once a woman gets up over 6'2, they ought to say it's a man.
And I'll say that again.
I think once a woman gets up over 6'2, there should be, you know, I don't know how tall you are, brother, that sent this in, Blake.
You know, and thank you for the question, brother gang.
Praise God.
Don't let the Lord miss you, man.
You know, I told someone, I say, you know, one time, I said, man, I'm really looking for the Lord, and they said, the Lord ain't lost.
And that hit me right in the dick, man.
Sorry, man, I'm really, and I'm not sorry.
You know, I got to let some of this stress on my body.
I have had so much stress in my neck and top of my right part of my back for a year and a half.
It will not go away.
I do not know what is going on.
I'm 20 days off caffeine right now, thinking maybe that could help.
So, but I'm not complaining.
Here's what I'm saying, bro.
I think at a certain point of 5-3, guys should be able to fight a 6-2 woman.
Thank you.
And you're thinking about it too right now, and you're not really disagreeing.
So I think, yeah, I think you definitely should not, you know, I think you can take her back, though.
I think you can, like, wrestle her.
You know, and the times are changing, man.
It's trans now.
It's like they got womans fighting men.
They got sheep fighting people.
Lamar Odom beat the last bit of sexuality out of damn Aaron Chalmer.
So, what the hell, you know, that's where we are.
Would it be shocking?
I think as long as you put it online and let people bet on it, you could fucking attack her at the house if you want.
But I don't know that.
You know, I would ask your friend and see what he thinks, man.
I think you have a middle person there.
But I would definitely wrestle with her.
You know, or tickle that bitch real hard, dog.
You know?
So praise God, brother.
Thank you, brother.
Thank You for being a part of my life.
I'll have my nephews in here in a few minutes.
Let me get into a little more.
Here's a video question that came in.
These are all video ones.
What's up, Mr. Vaughn?
Charles here from Pemberton, B.C. What's up, Pepperton, B.C., man?
Not sure that is before Christ.
So I don't even know.
You know, and I believe in God.
I don't know where this...
I'm going to have to look it up.
And maybe go to a service there or something, man.
Thank you, Brother Onward.
Got a quick question for you.
You ever tried a snowmobile out before?
They're a big thing out here.
Just wondering if you ever give a shot or what you think of them.
Gang, gang.
Gang, baby, snowmobiling.
And that's the Lord.
If you can't walk on water, I guess at least you could freaking ride on frozen water.
And so I like what you guys are doing out there and seeing what God likes y'all being out in the cold.
You know, God will let you out in the cold, but at a certain point, he shuts it down and you die.
That's the risky part about it, baby, is that second part.
So let's see what we got right here.
Here's a question that came in from a pretty much a white guy.
What up, Theo?
This is Jackson Larson coming at you from Grand Rapids, Michigan.
Grand Rapids, baby, good place to get some food at night.
And wish you had a different wife.
I noticed that a little bit when I was there.
People kind of, you know, hugging their wife, but kind of looking around.
So thank you, Jackson.
Onward.
Just wondering if you got any advice for a couple of dudes renting a house together.
I know you've been an adult tenant.
And I just wondered if you got any advice for, I don't know, just living on your own for the first time, figuring it all out.
Yeah, I think if you're a fella living on your own, you got to really have a good time.
And this one thing that goes back to even just being at that sober living place last week, I want to have a good time.
You're around people.
Utilize that.
Don't isolate.
You know, in college, I lived with a fella and he was kind of an exotic dancer kind of guy.
And he tried to kill himself.
He jumped out of the window, one-story building.
We were on first floor, dude.
Tried to jump out and didn't do shit.
Just got stuck outside.
But yeah, man, I think you just got to spend time together, man.
You know, living on your own.
You're not on your own.
You're with somebody.
So you got somebody in there.
And set up times where you check on each other.
Make sure people aren't dead in the house.
You know, hey, buddy, if it's 1 p.m., you haven't heard from me, come in there.
You know, take my damn pressure.
You know what I'm saying?
Make sure I'm good.
So praise God, brother.
Stay alive.
Let's see what else we got that came in.
Olympian who turned back on flag during anthem says she feels set up by U.S. track and field.
Oh, I saw this.
Gwen Berry turned away from the flag while the anthem played.
She later draped a t-shirt that said activist athlete.
Yeah, athletes can do whatever they want.
I think we definitely have been through a time where we got used to, as a country, for a long time, the athletes being happy to represent the country they were in, represent America.
It's so funny.
There's a lot of people who were like, fuck America, but America is just a society.
That's all it is.
And there's a lot of people out there who act like society, like it's all some big plan against them.
It's just society.
You know?
The activist athlete thing, I think some of it gets a little bit old.
You know, it's like, look, people have already done it.
Just play your sport.
That's kind of how I feel a little bit.
I also feel like she can do whatever she wants.
I feel like she'll just turn a lot of people off.
Some companies or something will come along and use her to be a voice for them to get some product pushed across.
And that'll be that.
You know?
Now, though, it's a lot more pressure if she doesn't even win.
She got third place.
Third place.
Yes, it's great.
It's still the Olympics.
But let's get first place.
You didn't even beat two other countries, okay?
You're like, my country sucks.
Like, it would have been better if you'd have gotten first.
Your country would be better.
So, I don't know.
I just, I'm not, I'm from the time where, man, it would have been anything to be able to perform for the U.S. This isn't my country.
It doesn't respect my views.
It's just a group of people trying their best.
That's all the country is.
And she just wants to make it about her.
That's what I think it is.
And that's just more the society.
It goes back to the lady at the freaking with the signage at the Tour de France.
She just wants to make it about her.
You know?
It's just like, how can I make this about me?
And in some ways, it's just kind of the generations that we're in right now.
We want to have our own platform.
Oh, this is who I am, but this is also how I feel.
I mean, I do it here on this.
But there is an interesting thing, because we long have expected athletes just to be an athlete.
Like, you're at your job.
But I do feel like it's kind of, I feel like it's disgraceful to America.
That's what I feel like.
I feel like, yes, you can do it.
But there's just a lot of people, there's no gratitude for where we are.
You know?
The national anthem upset her.
It was hot out there.
I get it.
Some of those things, look, it's too hot.
Maybe they should have put them under a thing.
She would have been more comfortable.
I was thinking about what I should do, Barry added.
Eventually, I just stayed there and just swayed.
I put my shirt over my head.
It was real disrespectful.
I know they did that on purpose, but it'll be all right.
I'll see what's up.
I see what's up.
Yeah.
Look, I've had this mentality.
People are out to get me.
It's all about me.
I don't know.
I think get first.
Get first and then we'll talk.
That's kind of how I feel on it.
But it makes me not want to cheer for her.
I'm an American.
You know?
I'm an American.
And, you know, and I want to say thanks to everybody who's working right now and actually trying to work.
There's so many places there's nobody showing up to work, apparently.
You know, I get groceries and in the bags, there's these things.
It's like, we will interview you on the spot today.
People don't want that job, man.
People don't want to work.
So if you are working, that's awesome.
I commend you.
You know, I'm working too, and I'm trying my best.
And some people will say, well, some of us can't get jobs.
Everybody can get a job.
You know, I used to live with a fella and he would jerk off at night while his family was asleep.
You know, and I know some of y'all know about it.
And I would elbow crawl out to the kitchen and see what was in the fridge, try to do it without him knowing.
You know, he'd be at the computer and I'd reach in the fridge real slow, get my hand in there and stop the light thing, and then open the door and try and get what they had in there.
They usually had olives and tostitos.
They were wealthy, but they didn't show it in their food.
They did other shit.
Boating.
That man said, you always need to have a job.
You always need to have a job.
As a human, you need to be working.
Just as a soul, as a thing, you need to be doing something, contributing to society.
It's just society.
People are like, fuck America.
Go somewhere else.
And especially if you get third place, go somewhere else and get third.
Bitch, we number one here.
Biden orders airstrikes against facilities used by Iran-backed militia groups.
I don't know a ton about this type of thing, but he probably thought he was ordering lunch.
You know, he probably, dude, I just see him like every couple of minutes just take a pocket full of children's hair out of his, like a handful of children's hair out of his pocket and just get that hit, baby.
What?
Huh?
Hello?
Who knows, man?
That guy is so old, bro.
Look, and I'm telling you this, I grew up with an old dad.
That dude's starting to fall apart.
Okay?
Are we pretending he's not falling apart?
The dude can't get through a freaking solid idea.
He's muppeted around.
It's not a safe place to be, I don't feel like.
I really don't feel like it's a safe place to be.
Because it just feels like if the leader could be controlled so much by anyone who even tells him it's nap time, anyone with a freaking bootleg Golden Girls episode, I want to tell you right now that dinner time can be chaotic.
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You know, if you're unhappy, you can adjust It.
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All right, let's hit one more call here, and then we'll get to my little nefs.
What up, Theo?
This is Molly from Wasa, Wisconsin.
First of all, I want to say thank you for the existence of your podcast and for the existence of you.
You really inspire me to talk to people.
It's not always been easy for me to have normal conversation.
I got a lot of that social anxiety.
But I listen to your podcasts every single day almost, or King Listing or something like that.
And it kind of inspires me to just let the conversation go where it might.
And you don't have to overthink anything.
But anyways, I have a question about traveling.
My birthday is next month.
It's my golden birthday.
And I kind of want to take a solo trip somewhere in the States just for the weekend.
I know you've traveled a little lot.
And so I'm wondering where you think some of your favorite places to like listen to music, meet some people, go to the bars, and maybe a museum, a park.
I don't know.
Maybe get some non-local gold member for my golden birthday.
I don't know.
Okay.
You're trying to catch a little bit of pain on the road.
I feel you, baby girl.
And thank you for the kind words.
I want to say that first and foremost.
And you seem like a decent gal and even better than decent.
And yeah, if you're trying to get it all, you're trying to get a food, a drink, and maybe get curled up with somebody.
You know, maybe get squirreled out, you know, with that hard freaking squirrel.
That pant squirrel, bro.
You know, that one that comes taxidermied by the lower baby erection.
Um...
You're in Wisconsin.
What is a fun.
I feel like in the summer, Minneapolis feels like a fun spot.
If you're going to go to like a city.
But that's probably close to you, Minneapolis, Wisconsin.
HL's capital, I think.
Or no, is that Madison?
You don't want to go somewhere too hot, that's the thing, unless there's water there.
You know, South Carolina is pretty dope.
They have like Folly Beach.
They got some really great beaches over there.
I used to go out there a good bit.
You can actually do some surfing.
But if school's not in, I don't know what some of the nightlife is there is like.
The food is really great.
It's hot as hell, though.
Denver, what is Denver like in the summer?
Shit, I don't know, lady.
You know, honestly.
I don't know.
But happy birthday to you.
And yeah, I feel you with the social anxiety, man.
I think a lot of it is a byproduct because we're less connected now as humans.
So what used to feel kind of normal to our parents is awkward to us.
You know, I'd been dating a gal a while back and then she texted me and ended things.
And that shit made me mad, man, because, but that part of me didn't know she's 28 or something.
I don't know.
And so I was like, well, maybe she just, that's her.
They do that.
But then you're just sitting around one, you know, it's like, I don't know what I'm talking about.
Jesus Christ.
All right.
Thank you very much, Molly.
And you seem like a great lady and you be swell out there and stay safe too.
You know, if you're a brave woman, you're going out there by yourself.
What's a great city to go to?
Toronto is awesome.
If you haven't been to Toronto, I think Toronto, man, I really love it.
You know, I just, they're still screwing around up there with the COVID shit.
It's like, what are you doing?
It's barely real.
Figure the shit out.
It's barely real.
Figure it out.
So, let me see if there's anything else.
We had a lot of great stuff.
I don't want to just not talk about anything.
Let me see.
Hey, CEO, this is Adam from Salt Lake again, man.
Also, I forgot to ask you.
Adam, thank you for calling, man.
And Salt Lake is real good, man.
If you like looking at white people, dude, you will love it.
I've been up in them dark arts, you know?
I was just wondering, too, I forgot to ask you, I've been trying to look around for some AAs and some NA meetings?
What do you look for in going into an AA where you can really kind of feel comfortable about what you want to talk about?
Thank you for the call, man.
This is a cool question.
My experience with going into an AA meeting, or my suggestion I would offer to anybody who asked about it, would be go to three meetings.
Try out three different ones.
Make sure that one of them is a speaker meeting where somebody is speaking for like an extended period of time.
It could be 10 minutes or 15 minutes or sometimes it's 30 minutes, 40 minutes.
But you want to hear somebody's story.
And then try some other ones.
Try one that's a co-ed.
one that's maybe just men or women if you're one or the other and And then make a decision for yourself.
Because they're different.
So you want to get, they're not all the same.
And I would just say listen for the difference.
Listen for the similarities, not the differences.
That's what they say.
Listen for the similarities and not the differences.
Because it's easy for me a lot of times to sit there and judge things.
You know, instead of be like, well, what is what am I okay with in here?
Instead of finding all the reasons already why I can't stand something.
Because then I'm just not giving myself a chance.
But it's really interesting to go to, whether you feel like you have a problem or not.
It's really interesting to go to some type of 12-step meeting.
So best of luck over there, brother.
I'm sure there's a lot of good ones in Salt Lake.
All right.
All right.
Hey, Theo.
My name's Will, and I'm from Charlotte, North Carolina.
What's up, Big Willie?
And I just graduated.
Gang, baby, that's a dub on the board, baby.
Big Will getting out there in society.
Welcome to society, Will.
Poop out here.
Good class 21. And I just want to let you know that I use some of your words as a new quote.
You know, I remember I was listening to your podcast one day and some kid, he was like 21 or something, called in, and he was like, hey, if you have any words for your younger self, what would you say?
And I was sitting there listening to the podcast, and you were like, you're talking about, you just go for it.
And some of your exact words, which I use my sneaker quote, here it is, you go.
He said, ask her out.
No matter who she is, whether she's a job, a new city, an actual person, whether she's an opportunity or fear, whatever she is, man, ask her out.
And that's why I suppose this is my sneaker quote.
I just want to let you know, man.
And I don't know, it's one of my dreams to be on the podcast.
And maybe one day I'll be there.
I just want to let you know that your words and even the craziest stuff you've ever said and the most deep stuff you've ever said, it's all stuck with me.
And I just want to let you know that you're very important.
It's a real model of my life.
Thank you.
Thanks, man.
That's real, real sweet of you, bro.
Or not sweet of you, I'm saying, bro, no homo, dog, but you feel me, dog.
You know, that's nice, you, man.
appreciate that.
Uh...
Yeah.
*sniff*
Yeah, man, I appreciate that.
You know, we all want to have those moments where somebody lets us know that they care, you know?
And those always hit me so hard because I just didn't have a lot of that as a child.
And people, you know, I had a lot of trauma as a kid.
And people say, well, sometimes you're like, well, you talk about that a lot.
Or don't dwell on it.
It dwells on me.
You know?
And so, I mean, even if I look at the career choice I made, I needed like, I needed people to care about me, but even at a distance from a stage, like I needed, I had to keep this amount of control over how I let someone see me and care about me.
Anyway, kind of diatribing there, and I don't want to get too out there before I get in with my nephews coming in and these little sugar tanks in here.
But thank you, man.
I appreciate that, man.
That means a lot, dude.
That means a lot that you care.
And I think if you're able to express to people how you care about them, man, and we've lost that along the way.
Just letting people know, hey, you know, you mean something to me.
We, you know, like the woman on the podium with the athletic thing.
What if she just said, I'm so happy to be a part of this country.
It doesn't always represent everything that I feel or say, but I'm happy to be in a place where we can all feel and say freely.
But maybe she did that by just saying what she wanted to say.
I don't know.
I don't know, man.
I don't know exactly what I'm thinking, but thank you, man.
I'm excited that you're graduating.
Good luck out there in the world.
And yeah, ask her out, man.
You know, guys, you know, it's like, you know who a guy's girlfriend or wife is?
It's the person they were brave enough to ask out.
Yeah, whatever it is, we got to ask her out.
We got to ask her out, man.
Dude, a couple weeks ago, girl on the beach.
I freaking, she was leaving to go to her car.
I strategically left at the same time, okay?
Am I a stalker?
I don't think I am.
Okay, it was daytime.
It was hot out.
If I stalked, I would do it in a colder climate or time it, you know, nighttime.
But I started talking to her.
We had a mutual friend.
I got her IG.
I messaged her.
She didn't message me back.
Okay?
So, first of all, Kate, why don't you eat one of my nuts?
And secondly, I did what I could.
I showed up.
You know, and I was, and for like 40 minutes, I was sitting far away from her on the sand and I was trying to think of a reason to go over there.
And then I saw a bird over there.
And I was going to try to go and look at this bird.
But then I'm like, what fucking guy is like, hey, look at this bird.
Hey, what are you doing here?
You know, like, I just couldn't think of a line to come off of the bird.
Hey, you know, oh man, there's birds out here.
What do you, what, do you know anything about them?
You know, I just couldn't think of anywhere to go with it.
So that's where I'm at.
My family, so I don't want to spend a ton of time on here, but I do want to get my nephews up here.
I'll be right back with my nephews.
Zephy is one of them's name.
And the other one is name, Max.
All right.
Sitting here right here, actually, with my two nephews right here, a couple young buckaroos.
And tell me about yourself.
Let's start with you, brother.
My name is Max, and I'm eight years old, and I'm taking an eight-hour road trip from Louisiana.
Okay.
And what brought you here to this area?
What brought you out here to the Central East, brother?
You looking for work or what?
No, my parents said that we were going to go because it's a summer break and we have nothing else to do at home.
Okay.
And this fellow over here, and how do you know him, this other guy?
Oh, he's my brother.
Okay, are you guys friends also, would you say, Max?
Or what do you feel like?
No.
Okay.
We can be friends, but we can be mortal enemies as well.
Mostly mortal enemies, though.
Alright, and your name, bud?
My name is Zeffi.
I am nine years old.
And um.
You're looking for love?
Not yet.
Okay.
He stopped for like three seconds.
That's fine, man.
I've been there, dude.
I've definitely had times where I was looking for love and times where I wasn't.
Did you marry Morgan Wallen?
I wouldn't marry.
I mean, I don't think both of us prefer women.
Yeah.
So, but...
I kind of get that.
I think if there were...
I don't know.
I don't know if he could.
Communicate with each other if you lived in a different universe.
I don't know.
It's a great question, man.
It is a great question.
If we live in a different universe, I don't know.
I guess we would probably...
I think you would probably have to create a way to get there, like a shuttle ship or something.
Like a space travel.
Or you could just dream of communicating.
Infinity War.
It was either an Infinity War or in game.
They went in the ship with the Guardians of the Galaxy.
this closer to you.
And they broke through the space and it created like a...
Look, I'm not doing that.
I got enough going on here right now.
I mean, there's like space could do that because he's like Albert Einstein.
I'm not doing it.
I'm saying.
I'm doing stuff at the house.
You bought a bunch of flowers?
Why does it say that tree?
I'm kind of $120.
Because it was a $120 tree.
What kind of flowers?
You got like three of them.
Sean likes to spend that money.
What kind of flowers?
I'm not sure.
So let me ask you a question, guys.
Are you guys single men?
Let's go one at a time here.
Let's start with you, Zephyr.
Are you single these days?
What's love looking like in your life?
Have you started thinking about girls or that kind of thing?
Or what happens at nine years old?
I like thinking about food.
Okay, yeah, me too.
But, like, I'm not that much of a person that will start a conversation.
I can sit and wait because I don't want to be mean to, like...
But like, I usually don't like to engage in conversations.
Okay, so you're more like the, you'll continue a conversation, but you won't start a conversation.
Yeah, it's like if you're in a video game, you land somewhere that is not contested, but you're not afraid to fight.
Right.
Like that.
Okay, okay, I got it.
And Max, what about you?
Are you the kind of guy who will start a conversation?
Do you even know how to communicate?
What is going on with you?
I really don't know how to talk to girls at all.
Okay.
And I like this one girl in my class, but I get bullied.
You get bullied by her?
No, I get bullied by everyone because I like a girl.
Dang.
Yeah.
Did you let her know or not?
It's at school, but like I think I'm done.
I think it's with every elementary school crush.
Bye.
You wait till they find out that they like you.
That you like them.
So how do you let someone know, say if there is a crush, right?
Which is totally normal.
I was boys.
You just...
Yeah, yeah, that's my old move, dude.
Okay, so I have this really funny story.
Or leave town.
That's what I would do.
Leave town?
I have this really funny story that started at like the beginning of the school year, and we were still laughing at it until the end.
Okay.
And this kid, my best friend, who was my best friend, his name is.
Randall?
No, Ocean.
And he liked this girl named Clarice.
Stop it.
And they liked each other, and then we were like...
And are they still together?
I don't think they didn't find each other, but they're probably.
What do you mean find each other?
I mean, they have.
Are they real people, guys?
To be real, I have no idea.
it's probably like a virtual assistant that he uses.
Of course.
That's what I was going to guess.
Now, let's talk about some of you guys' plans for the future.
I know you guys right now are, you're nine years old, you said, Zeffi, and Max, you're six years old.
I can start.
You're six years old?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, I can start.
Yeah, I just want to know some of your plans for the future.
I want to be a future.
And be honest with me, please.
I want to be a foot doctor.
Oh, really?
Podiatrist, they call it.
Footman, they call it.
Wait a minute.
What if the patient has foot fungus?
Will you eat it?
Look, question.
Will you eat the foot fungus or will you throw it away?
Do you know foot fungus tastes like goat milk?
Really?
I drink blue cheese every day for blue cheese.
Blue cheese tastes like goat milk.
I know a friend that's addicted to blue cheese.
My friend is addicted to inoculations.
In my cereal.
Yeah, this is not true.
Most of my friends are addicted to it.
This isn't true.
In my cereal, instead of using milk, I use goat milk with foot fungus in it.
I'm addicted to caramel.
Really?
Yeah, I take bottles.
He's addicted to caramel out of it.
Okay, so you want to be a foot doctor?
And Zeffi, what do you, when you think about your future and where you are now, do you have any big plans?
Do you have any, like, what do you, like, what do you kind of see yourself in the future a few years down the road from now?
Do you see yourself kind of still living in the same house?
Do you see yourself having a job?
If it's a few years down, I'd probably you gonna stay living with your parents?
Are you gonna no?
I want I'm gonna move out when I have the money and stuff.
Okay.
And I want to move to an apartment and get a job.
And a couple animals or something or what?
I want to get a.
Is it legal to have a bobcat as a pet?
I bet it is.
Oh.
I want to get a bobcat or like.
I really want a cockatoo or a parakeet because you can talk to them.
Funny story, actually.
My aunt and my mother had a parrot, a red parrot, and he would, and he would say, they would always say, like, shut up, Ricky.
And so, and so, um, the parrot would always say, shut up, Ricky.
Really?
And he would say, and the parrot would say, what head?
Oh, so the parrot is really, he can, he kind of has a mind of his own, huh?
Yeah, but it's like an influence from his owners, right?
He's an influencer?
Yeah, I think so.
The parrot is?
He's on TikTok.
He's not on TikTok, but The parrot went viral like a few years later.
Oh, dang.
He is friends.
He went viral on Instagram.
He's friends with Bryce Hall.
He actually cut Bryce Hall's hair.
Who did?
The parrot.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Oh, good.
I could imagine that.
Now, let me ask you guys.
My dad is LeBron James.
No, he's not, Max.
How do you know that?
Let's talk about this.
Let's talk about some things you guys are not good at.
I want you to each share some of these things.
Everything in my life.
What are you good at?
Like, eating and sleeping.
Okay, and what are you not good at?
Everything.
Do you think you guys as parents will stay together for a long time?
Have you guys talked about that?
Or what does their relationship seem like?
Yeah.
We joke around sometimes, say that they're cheating on each other.
That's right, Max.
That's very you style, but like at the same time.
That's like a bad influence for your children.
I don't have children.
But you're like your children in the future.
My child is actually.
What are you going to name your children?
I'm going to name them Goober.
I'm going to name them Goofy and Goober.
Oh, wow.
Are they going to be twins or female or male?
They're going to be attack helicopters.
Oh, wow.
Beautiful.
I could see that actually seems very on brand with where we're headed as a society.
Yes.
What do you think, Zephyr?
Now, when you start to look at the world today, do you think that the world's headed in a good direction?
What are some of your thoughts?
We need to stop the old guys that wear shirts with Russian flags on them.
Because I think they're American communists.
It's been said.
It's been rumored.
And I think...
Yeah, sure.
But global warming.
Global warming.
I'm just being serious, and we're probably just being crazy.
But look, global warming is nice when you're at the beach when it's nice and hot.
Let's be honest.
But in all reality, global warming isn't good.
Right?
I agree with you.
Except when you're at the beach.
Except that, but like.
So here's the question is, do you think enough people are willing to give up going to the beach and having a nice time?
No.
In order for the world not to global warm?
No.
Right.
Yeah, but like.
But most of the people that go to the beach are like adults and kids.
And most of the kids.
No, what else would go?
A parent?
No, an attack helicopter, bro.
We brought our dogs Who's driving the The attack helicopter, the whole point of it being an attack helicopter is because it drives itself and crashes into everything and blows stuff up, but it's an immortal helicopter.
You guys are legends.
Thank you.
And I want to ask you guys, too.
You guys are...
What age do you feel like you might want to settle down?
You mean, like, let myself go?
Yeah.
Oh.
What does that mean?
Getting older.
I know right now you guys try to take care of your diet, take care of your body.
37. So 37, you're thinking of starting to just let it go, huh?
Yeah, just like James Harden.
21. Yeah.
He went to the party and then he came back fat.
I think he ate a lot of donuts.
Might have.
Do you guys have any suggestions for me?
Yes.
Okay.
You should tear those curtain downs.
Curtain.
break the window, replace the windows with walls, and paint all the Simpsons characters on the wall.
Oh, really?
Because you had that in your studio in LA, remember?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Wouldn't it be a bad idea?
We've thought about doing something different.
We're working with this church curtain vibe right now.
I need something.
I have no idea what it is.
So you said you saw the first season of Stranger Things, right?
Yeah.
What's your favorite part?
My favorite part was...
I like that little kid with the glasses on.
Excuse me?
I like the little kid with the glasses on.
Who?
The glasses?
What?
What?
Hello?
I don't remember.
Are you ready?
What did he look like?
Did he have curly hair?
I don't remember.
Oh, um, uh...
What are you guys, okay?
Wait, what are you?
What are you?
Was it Barb?
Who's Barb?
Yeah.
Let's go to the Barb.
It wasn't Barb, did he?
What are the Dimmergorgans do on a Friday night?
Hey, go to the Barb.
Wouldn't we like to know?
They took her in the show.
If anybody's watching this that hasn't seen Stranger Things, there's spoilers.
My favorite part is when...
Good point.
They're like...
Oh my god.
What the?
When they're on the bike chase with the big vans and then L flips over the van with her mind.
Okay, okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Do you need a nap, sir?
How do you guys?
Okay.
We have a we have a.
Hey.
We.
I owe you.
What?
AI?
Here, do this.
Max, are you thinking about getting plastic surgery in the few years?
I want to get plastic surgery to look like my dog.
You should get a nose job.
Yeah, get a nose job.
I want to shave your eyebrows and put eyebrow makeup on.
I want to get my eyes sewn closed and write party time on each one.
I want to get my lip or my arm tattooed saying, I'm a goofy goober.
Have you not seen Spongebob?
No.
Yeah, you know.
What did you do as a kid if you didn't watch Spongebob?
I didn't watch SpongeBob.
We rode our bike.
Cool.
We made ramps.
Cool.
We hurt ourselves.
Cool.
And the one you just said was the fun part.
People would vomit sometimes.
Cool.
Uh-oh.
Pretty lit.
We used to eat ants.
I got really sick, like, a week ago, and I threw up 12 times.
And I stayed in a chair.
Have you ever had a feeling of being, like, weighed down with, like, poop?
Poop?
Do you even believe yourselves?
I mean, to realize.
Do you even believe in me?
Look, guys, I...
He reincarnated as a lawnmower, and the only thing he can't do is open foil paper.
Nice.
Nice.
Do you want to hear my Morgan Freeman impersonation?
Yes.
What is wrong with you?
I didn't start it yet.
Here's my Morgan Freeman impersonation, alright?
Okay.
They said it would take a man 600 years to get out of this here prison, but Andy Dufran did it in less than 20. Why are you like, why did I even get us on that topic?
What's something you just want to tell the people out there?
Let's give each of you guys about 30 seconds to just tell people what you want to say, and then we can – And that's all.
Okay.
Okay.
What I want to say is I feel very glad to be on this podcast.
And just a thanks to my parents for taking me out here and stuff.
And I actually want to promote CO's merch by doing like a little sequence.
Okay.
Okay.
So I have his whatever website he has.
Go buy it, please.
Okay.
All right, man.
Well, bye.
You know, I love you guys, and I'm glad you guys were able to be here today.
And we just say at the end of the episode, we say we'll probably go out with a little bit of Eddie 9 Volt again to come up.
Excuse me.
And it's the same song that we came in with.
What was that supposed to mean?
And I want to thank everybody for being a part of the show.
You can get tickets at theovon.com slash tour.
T-O-U-R.
You are what?
Don't buy through any other site because...
It's a scam website.
That's how I watch iCarly.
There you go.
A lot of scams out there.
Do governments create clouds for you to stop seeing the end of the earth?
Now, that's a question for this guy, Eddie Bravo, a friend of mine, who's not here today, but I'm going to ask him.
You guys be good to yourselves, man.
Gang.
Gang.
Gang, gang.
King James.
Yeah, yeah.
Come on.
you Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sui.
Easy deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
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