Theo and Nikki talk about what Nikki was like in high school, young love, old love, animals, and that first cigarette after getting out of work. Nikki Glaser - https://www.instagram.com/nikkiglaser
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Today's guest is returning to the podcast.
She's a very entertaining comedian.
She has a new tour that she's embarking out on.
She's also the host of the upcoming MTV Movie and TV Awards.
Ladies and gentlemen, Nikki Glaser.
I want me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind.
Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song I've been singing just so.
And I've been moving way too.
Yeah, it's good over there.
It's just like some like sometimes you have to thank you.
I get a lot of compliments on these.
They are not real snake skin, but you shouldn't even wear fake stuff.
I'm vegan.
Because if you make it look good, then people are like, I want that.
You know, if you make fake look good, then you're hurting the animals.
No, I don't, I think that seems crazy.
But do you think vegan, can you eat snake or not?
No, no, you can't eat.
People always forget that vegan is like everything.
Like I eat honey.
If something, honey's in something, I'll go, okay, fine.
But a lot of vegans like won't eat honey because it like it exploits bees.
No way.
But bees want us to have it because also when you think about all the stuff that bees do to us and all the what have bees done to us?
We're getting revenge or something.
All the child.
Dude, you know how many of summers of mine were ruined because bees?
No, they weren't.
They were ruined because of your perception of bees as being like, people are so scared of bees.
Their sting doesn't hurt that bad.
You might, if you're allergic, yes, I understand.
But like, we were so annoyed with bees, we killed them all.
And now our, like, our whole planet is collapsing because there's no bees.
Oh, dang.
But what were your run-ins with bees as a kid?
So let's get your top three bee incidents.
Well, the big one was always at summer camp.
They always had bees there for some reason, you know?
And so we'd go there to this place called Boga Phalaya Park.
And it was just like all the kids would come and it was like a bunch of this ratchet kids.
And like we'd all have our lunch box and like our, our, our Kool-Aid would like spill over on our sandwiches and it was so gross.
It was like YMCA summer camp, you know?
Yeah.
And some kids would leave during the day and just wander off into the woods and disappear.
And like, it was just, but I remember at certain areas, they just had so many bees.
They're like, like, I want to say tens of thousands of bees.
Yeah.
And you guys weren't, were events canceled because of bees?
Oh, I would say events are.
I would say, I would say kickball games ended early.
I would say lunches ended early.
No way.
One kid, a bee went up his nose.
And that was horrible.
And they had to get, this was before that.
I think they had the EpiPens or whatever.
Oh, so the skin was allergic too?
Yeah.
Or I don't know if he was allergic, but he was one of those kids who their skin was real clear looking, you know?
Yeah.
Yep.
Like one of those kind of premature baby kind of.
That's lucent kids.
Yeah, that trans kid.
Or lucent kid.
I don't know what they call it.
Yeah, I think they're called lucents.
Yeah, one of those lucents, dude.
So they got, yeah.
Yeah.
But some kids were never the same, I feel like, after that, after a strong bee came through.
Oh, people were, people are so scared of bees.
And I thought it was just a way that girls initially, I was never really scared of bees.
I was just like, okay, if they sing you, it kind of hurts.
But I think being scared of bugs is kind of like a thing girls do to like, get attention and like be like, not just necessarily from boys, but just they're not being seen enough in their families.
So they're just like, if I scream really loud about this thing that's around a lot, then I'll get attention.
And it's my thing.
I'm like girls that are like, I hate moist.
Like that's a hack one.
But people are the word moist.
You know, when girls are like, oh my God, don't say it.
And you're just like, you need an identity beyond like these things that you think are unique, but we all kind of are on board with.
Yeah, a lot of people say those types of things.
I mean, but we're all searching for an identity.
I mean, your haircut is like a part of, like, that haircut I remember when you first brought out, I thought it was for a role or something.
And now it's you.
And it's like, and it's such a look that you've inspired people to adopt it.
It's now like a hot guy haircut.
But when you first debuted it, it wasn't.
Really?
Theo, I remember you walking backstage at some show.
I think we were at one of Amy's tapings or something, and you came backstage, and I...
I laughed at your haircut.
I thought it was a joke.
I thought you were trying to joke us.
Really?
Yeah, I did.
I'm being honest with you.
But I also was like, it looks good.
You know, like the type of way, like a, like on Halloween, people still look good.
Yeah.
But then you kept your Halloween costume on it.
And I was like, and then, and now it's still here.
And that was probably six years ago.
How long has it been?
Five years ago?
Well, I had long hair too when I was a kid.
And I just liked, I never felt, I never knew I was supposed to have long hair as an adult until I had someone who's like, you didn't know you weren't supposed to?
I never knew that I was supposed to.
Oh, oh, you mean like you found your truth?
Like this is who you are.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I just never felt, I just like feel more like a man.
I feel more like a courageous man.
I feel like more like somebody that would run into a fire to help somebody.
Yeah.
Or not run all the way.
I would run close to the fire and, you know, people would be like, oh, he's going to stop.
I'd run up the stairs onto the porch.
Okay.
Because fire is so hot.
People like in movies, they make it look like it's not that hot.
Dude, fire is so hot.
It's so.
What's the worst you've been burned?
Like, have you gotten, like, what degree?
Let me think.
Probably.
Have you had some bad burns?
Oh, yeah, dude.
I went whale watching watching, but looking for something once.
And I got sunburned so bad, dude.
You had to go from whale watching to looking for your keys.
We were looking for the Lord, honey.
We were looking for the Lord.
So you got sunburnt real bad.
Yeah, I think we were doing drugs or something and they ended up out in the sun for way too long, you know.
And my friend kept dozing off.
We ended up at this Elton John concert, and he was on opioids, and he literally kept dozing off, dude.
And one time we thought he was dead, but we were so messed up.
We kept laughing.
Like, nobody would check to see if he was dead.
It was kind of like a, not like freeze tag, but some like weird game.
You know, it was like a kid's game, you know?
So you thought he was dead.
Some of you were scared by it, but mostly it was just like, like, that's hilarious.
Everybody was just laughing.
It was just one of those days.
We're like, oh, you know, Sean's dead.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
But I guess, yeah, I think things like that, bees, sunshine, things like that, I guess, yeah.
I'm terrified at the sun.
A lot of it's dangerous.
I don't go in.
The sun, I've known that aging as a woman is a bad thing.
So I haven't been going in the sun since I was in high school.
I used to always sunbathe, and I used to cover my face and decolletage with a towel when I was like 15. Like just to be like, I don't want to be wrinkly when I'm older.
I even knew at a young age when you're supposed to think you're young forever, like plan ahead.
And the truth is, it's like, you can't really stop it.
It's just going to happen.
It's hard.
I think, yeah, I think I'm starting to realize even just growing up that it's hard to get, it's hard to get older.
It's a little tough, you know?
It's like, it's kind of like, it's just so it makes me, I often realize how much time I probably wasted.
Whereas like time used to be this thing, it'd be like, sure, have some of my time, you know?
Yeah.
You'd be like, I've got as much time, you know, who wants some of my time?
You know, I used to have so much time.
It was like you're running around with this big bag of time.
And then now it's like, oh, you know, I don't have a second to spare, you know?
And it's like time, it's just.
You're right.
I mean, like, you watch all any of those things about the tech companies that are trying to create things that take our time.
Like, our time is the only thing we can't get back.
Yeah.
So it's like they really just want our, our attention and like what you give attention to.
But I feel like getting older and realizing, oh, the things I've wasted my time on have not really that kind of being like, God, I wasted so much time doesn't help me not waste time now because I'm not just finding new ways to waste it.
But you know what I do now?
Like when I find, like, what's something you wasted your time on that you can think about in the past that you masturbation probably?
Listen, I don't think that's a waste of time.
It's fucking awesome.
It's awesome, but you get the hang of it, and then it's kind of like...
You wanted to feel good.
You needed it.
Like, I feel like anytime you're doing it.
But it's like, am I still doing it?
You know, it's like when you do it again, you're like, ah.
Where do you want to be right now that doing too much masturbating didn't get you to where you want to be?
Like, you are where you, you know, like, no regrets.
Feel like everything that you want to do.
I don't think I'm where I am because I've been masturbated.
I think it's, I think I could have probably done other stuff and probably done it well.
When you think how many trades you could have learned.
Okay, so what trade do you want to know that you would take some of your masturbation time?
Like, because landscaping, something outdoors, you know, painting.
Now's the time for that when your libido falls.
Back then, you weren't going to go landscaping if you wanted to jerk off.
If I didn't have a libido, I think I would have done a lot of stuff.
I would have just someday lose it, probably, you know?
And then that's when you get into like cribbage.
No, no, not just a day.
No these days.
No.
No.
These days, you get the fake, the men now, you get a fake, you know, they have all these enhancers and everything.
They have all of this.
It's like, yeah, they're going to have, you're basically just going to have like 80-year-old zombies wandering around.
But it doesn't, it gets your dick hard, but it doesn't get your like heart hard.
So like guys, not heart, or like your brain hard, you know?
So guys will take it to fuck their wives if their wives, if they, and if they're wives won't make them do it.
But they're not, they're not propelled by sex with women.
So therefore, you're not having to like feed this addiction, which is like the porn, like jerking off is really just like a porn addiction and just like, feel good.
I don't want to feel my feelings.
It's the easiest way.
It's just one choice.
But when you don't have a libido, later on, you're just going to put that obsession into like woodworking or whatever or, you know, canoeing or when you're doing it.
It would have just been nice to have pictures of myself like in a canoe or with like a nice statue I'd done or something when I was younger.
You know?
You didn't do any, you have no accomplishments when you were younger.
You weren't like an Eagle Scout or something.
You seem like you.
I didn't know how to like whittle or do a whistle.
Okay.
If we had to do like a talent show and it couldn't be stand-up and it couldn't be podcasting or interviewing or go back to high school talent.
Let's do a talent show.
Like right now, Theo, like if you, if we were in a talent show with a bunch of comedians and none of us could do comedy, what would yours be that you have The best shot of actually being considered, like, oh my God, he's good at that.
Like, what's do you have any secrets?
Oh, no, Nick might know even better than me.
I'm still stuck on one accomplishment: you emancipated yourself when you were 14. I got emancipated when I was a child.
So, probably legal separation from family.
Yeah, I don't know how you're going to perform that at this talent show, but I think I could do it if we had like a small black box theater.
Again, it's a performative, but yes, you're right.
That is incredible.
So maybe I guess something like that.
Like, yeah, like I could probably do some Ilean Gonzalez type shit.
Like, you know, like something like that.
I could probably do some Ilean Gonzalez reenactment.
Wait a second.
Just let me get this straight.
You emancipated yourself from your parents when you were how old?
14. That's fucking badass.
Got out there, yeah.
What, can I just ask why?
Yeah, I just didn't like it there.
It just wasn't the best fit for me.
How'd you know that it wasn't even a possibility to do that?
I don't know.
I don't really remember.
I honestly don't remember what happened.
I remember we met.
Yeah, I remember we just, you know.
Do you have siblings?
That's how it came down to it.
Yeah.
I got a couple siblings.
Are you older, younger?
We're all in the, it's all a couple years apart.
Wait, what, one of them?
I'm number two out of four.
Out of four.
And you, did you, they get out?
Did they follow suit too?
Nope.
They all, everybody, some people stayed in, some people got out.
It was basically almost like that, who's that guy that had that church out in Texas or whatever?
Jeff's?
Yes.
It was like Warren Jeff's, but it was just my mom.
Oh, shit, man.
Well, and I love you, mom.
Happy Beleda Mother's Day.
She knows that.
She's got a relationship with her now.
I'm sorry, Des.
We got a relationship.
Really?
No, he was not around.
But I think it was just kind of like, you know, I think when you're like, I don't know, it was more like just, I think we were more like roommates than family kind of in a weird way.
Well, the fact that you were 14 and were able to do that, I mean, is incredible because I think that so often, I mean, I even have a hard time being like doing, saying tough things to family because they're family or doing something selfishly because you're family, like just accepting that just because they're your family doesn't mean you have to put up with whatever they throw at you.
Right.
But then also sometimes I feel like, was I just like a weak kid who was just afraid to take the fucking brunt of it?
That's so funny to frame it that way because in no way would anyone hear about a kid taking the initiative to maybe you were stupid.
Maybe you were like, mom and dad, don't get her.
Like a kid could do that.
Right.
To get me.
I didn't even have a skateboard, so that wasn't me.
To make that happen and to actually legally do that, that's someone who realized I'm smarter than this and I know I need to get out and I need to protect myself.
It's very, I mean, that's very independent at a very young age.
Yeah, I think that's what it was, just independent.
Yeah, and that's like, that's, what did you do?
Where did you go?
What was your first time?
I went to stay with friends.
Yeah.
I went to stay with friends and then I would take my backpack to school and I would find friends to stay with, you know?
So it was like kind of like this, I think it was very avant-garde.
I don't know what that means.
Were you friends with everyone in high school?
Avant-garde is kind of like, well, it's not the right use of it, but it gets the word, it gets the feel across.
So you were just fly by the sea of your pants, kind of like you were homeless.
I wasn't homeless.
I was staying with friends.
And then I finally found a friend who could let me stay full-time.
So then I went and stayed over there.
And how long?
Stayed there for a couple years.
And then you go to college?
Yep.
And we got into some mild drug issues over there.
And so then we went our separate ways, huh?
Were you in high school?
Did you graduate high school?
Yep.
So you emancipated and stayed.
This wasn't like, I'm going to go be an adult now.
No, no, no, no.
I was just, yeah, I just didn't.
I think it just wasn't like the best vibe at my house, you know?
Yeah.
Did you, what was your vibe growing up?
My vibe was like.
Were you like a cheerleader?
I could see you being like a cheerleader.
Definitely like a kind of a maybe.
Do you really see that?
Huh?
Do you really see that?
Is that sad that I see that?
I also see you as more than that, but...
Really?
Your arms, I feel like, are so straight.
Yeah, I could be.
Well, that's just not the right one to do, but like, yes, like, rah, rah, rah.
Yes, I would be good.
Thank you.
That's when I was on Dancing with the Stars, I met my partner, and he didn't know that I wasn't a good dancer.
Like, I got, I lost the show.
I was voted off first.
But when I walked in, he, you could see, he didn't know who I was.
We were meeting for the first time.
And you could see him be like, oh my God, yes.
Like, she looks like she can dance.
Like ballerina, kind of.
Oh, yeah.
And then we did like a quick, like, he wasn't even teaching me something.
He's like, okay, let's, let's just, we did a quick thing.
And I saw him age like seven.
Like his face dropped so severely of like, he knew, he knew our fate because I just don't have like a natural talent.
So I would never have tried out for cheerleaders because I wasn't like sexy.
Cheerleaders are sexy.
I wasn't like ever trying to be sexy.
Are they though?
Some cheerleaders were cute.
Well, there's like a perception of like, anyone, I didn't like to dance.
I didn't like to, I didn't want to do anything sexual.
I'm now realizing this as I say it.
That's why it was, I didn't have rhythm already.
Okay.
But also it was mainly about like short skirts and being like, like having your belly out and like being like, boys, like me.
Like I didn't like boys in high school.
I loved boys, but I was just so scared of them.
And so I would never do anything to like draw attention to myself in that way.
And what were you scared of?
That they were going to be rapers or that they were going to be like I was going to be bad at making out or that I was or like whatever we were doing that I would be bad at and they would tell their friends and make fun of me.
Biggest fear because it happens all the time because I would hear stories of it constantly every day from my guy friends.
So I saw it happening around me.
I feel like being a girl, I couldn't imagine it being a girl when I was young.
That would be fun.
Yeah, it would suck.
I mean, there's so many, I just didn't want the shit that came with hooking up with guys.
Maybe if I, one girl I remember, she blew my crush.
Oh my God, I love this guy so much.
And she gave him a blowjob and she threw up because he gagged her with it.
It's a normal thing to happen and sometimes people can be kind of hot.
Yeah, some people have small windpipes.
Yeah, she was like high school girl getting deep-throated by a guy who just got AOL at that.
Like he was getting images that probably inspired that.
And then she threw up and then the story is like, what an idiot she is, you know, and that's the whole story.
And I even perpetuated that.
Like, did you know that she threw up on his dick?
Because it was just like, to me, girls sucking penises, it was just like a betrayal of, to me as a woman.
Like, I was just like, I can't believe I did.
Whoever did it first ended everybody else's childhood.
So those people need to be called out in every town.
Oh, I. Whether it's Ronnie and Melissa.
Or whether it's Scotty and Jen or whoever got the first blowjob and received the first blowjob in your grade.
I'm not kidding you, Theo.
ruined everybody else's childhood.
I cried when my best friend since fourth grade gave a blowjob because I thought, I go, I've lost her.
Like, we don't, we'll never, you, I just want to eat nerds with you and go to the sweet factory and get a bunch of candy and then go in the photo booth.
Those days are over.
Go to the gap and like dress up in funny outfits.
I don't want you sucking a penis.
Like, what happened?
So I just.
Those days are over.
Now she's wearing short shorts and she's hanging out with me.
She's at the gas station.
She's like giving hand jobs.
And now all my friends are eclipsing me.
Like they're all making out.
Even the girl that I go, oh my God, she's never, she's going to be the last.
When we went to high school, we predicted who's going to be the first to sex, boyfriend, all the stuff.
Really all over thinking about that?
Yeah, we were like, oh my God, who's going to be the first with a boyfriend?
Who's going to be the first to get her period?
Lose her virginity, all these things.
And all the super, they all went to me.
Everyone thought I was like poised for all of this.
And I left high school a virgin who had never had a boyfriend and who had never blown anyone.
Oh, my God.
And who had only made out when a guy like had to be kind of like not tricked into it, but he had to be on spring break when no one else knew.
And then even though he wasn't the most popular boy in school and they just couldn't, it just so happened I went to spring break my junior year.
And I wasn't not, I wasn't not attractive, but this, this, this spring break, I really blossomed.
It was a good one for me.
But I'd go down to Florida and me and my girlfriends.
What part of Florida?
Fort Myers.
Oh, yeah.
So we're in Fort Myers.
Shady.
01. We called it Sboy because it was SB01.
And we're cruising down the strip.
We're getting guys cars that are just like cruising.
We're like, can we go to town?
And it's like, you're my butterfly, sugar, baby.
We're just like, wow!
Like spring break, but we're dorks.
Like we've never, a couple of us have kissed boys.
Did y'all have any tattoos or did somebody just get one?
No, we weren't 18. We were like 16. Like we barely, we didn't drink.
Oh my god, yeah.
We were, we weren't that cool, but we were just like thought we were badass.
But so we're flirting with boys, going around town, meeting guys, nothing's really popping off.
Then my, one of my friends has kind of, like, she's on the water polo team because she's kind of like likes to do boys stuff, you know?
And so she's friends with some of the cool guys.
And so she has like a maybe association with them.
And then, but we are on the beach in Fort Myers and who rolls up on the beach on a second day?
Tone Loke.
The Tone Loke of my high school.
Oh, I thought it was a musician.
No, it was Cisco.
He was shooting his video and sitting on going, yeah, no, it was the most popular boys in my grade who would never even consider.
And they rolled up on y'all?
Because they were striking out.
They weren't shit down in Fort Myers.
They were killing it in Kirkwood in the halls of Kirkwood High School, but here no one gave a shit.
They were just some dorky, like, you know, Midwest boys.
So they ran out of options because it was the best girl.
I'm telling anyone listening, plan a spring break where the hot girls group of girls is going and the guys aren't going because they will know you.
The familiarity will make them invite you over and then you'll get to kiss two of the guys.
That was my first kiss was like two of the most popular guys in school.
And then they went back and they wouldn't tell anyone and I had mono.
Oh, yeah.
There's always that chick who had mono, dude, all the time.
We had a girl who had mono for like seven years.
We're like, somebody just take her life.
Can we just sacrifice her, please, at some sort?
Something else.
God wants her back.
Yeah.
That mono was, yeah, the kissing disease and you got like really tired and it was, but yeah, I was such a prude in high school.
And we had a fellow, he'd always get hiccups around gay people too, all the time.
That guy's gay.
No, he would just get him.
It was like he just, if people was gay, he would get hiccups.
And then could you scare him out of it by...
You know, do one of the tricks.
What do you do to get rid of hiccups?
Because there's a way that works the best.
Yeah.
What do you do?
I just know they're going to go away now because I'm an adult and I don't really worry about it as much.
So when you get them, you just stop thinking about them and they go away?
Yeah, pretty much.
Or I'll hold my breath for about five or six seconds.
You just hold your breath.
It's real easy.
But when you're younger, it's like it just, you know, there's probably people who have taken their life that thought they couldn't get rid of their hiccups and just.
Yeah.
I mean, why isn't there a cure that we all just go, this is it?
Like, where's the race for the cure?
Where's Fauci?
Where's Fauci when it comes to these?
Why are we still inconclusive and it's all old wives' tales with hiccups?
You've got people hanging upside down.
Yeah.
Yeah, that should be our cause that we all settle on.
Yeah, you just hold your breath until they go right.
I remember, so when I was young, they had this kid in our school named Patrick, right?
And he got a little BJ from this girl, right?
Back to BJs, yes.
And so everybody's fired up.
People are cheering him on.
People are drawing on their notebook, like, yes, yes, yes.
You know, people are excited.
So he got one and everyone's excited.
He got one.
Everyone's excited.
Well, what happened was then his, the girl's parents found out.
So her parents had to go over to his parents' house.
Her parents called his parents.
What?
And they all had to go over and talk about it.
I would love to follow up with the dude today and hear their side of this.
That is excruciating.
So here was the crazy part.
So he let me be on the phone.
He kept the phone off the hook, you know, and you keep it off.
And he just kept it in the living room.
So you heard what happened?
What happened?
Oh, it was the most awkward conversation ever.
Did they talk explicitly about that?
There wasn't blame, yes.
There was like, hey, you know, we think it's your fault.
It's like, nobody's fault.
It's like.
Oh, my God.
When was your first blowjob?
I think it was probably the same girl, actually, a couple of weeks after that.
Honestly?
Really?
If I had to be real honest with you, yeah.
But I got real scared.
I was at a party.
I think I was probably 15. So after the emancipation.
I was at a party.
Yeah.
Things went uphill.
No, I was at a party and some girl was, it was my girlfriend, actually, at that time, I think.
I don't know if we were girlfriend or not.
Yeah.
Oh, and it was like behind a tree, but it was like the parents were at the party.
And then the mom.
This was your first?
Yeah.
The mom came around the tree.
Eo.
Yeah, and I got so scared, you know.
That's a crazy story.
Why would you just be remembering this?
You got caught getting your first clothes job.
And I was like, we're just looking for something.
You know, I just didn't know what to say.
What would you say?
You know?
And then I felt So bad for me, I felt bad for her.
The jig is up.
Like, we're caught.
We're busted.
I'm not going to use a racial slur, dude.
I'm just saying that.
Yeah.
I'm just saying that.
I mean, I don't know if it is, but I'm not even taking it.
It felt weird saying it, but I also don't feel like I would even be able to conjure what race that is.
So I feel like I'm in the clear picture.
You know what I mean?
Oh, you're totally.
I don't want to dip you out of like talking about race, but no, I think we're going to be alright.
No, I think gypsy is not a thing you should say.
Jipping someone out of something is very not good.
My brother used to work with some gypsies.
And spirit animal.
Oh, yeah.
You know, when girls go, oh, my God, you're my spirit animal.
Which that's, I get that compliment a lot.
Yeah.
It's like, I know that humans are animals, but it's supposed to be an animal.
Right.
You know, like, but also Native Americans, because that's like a Native American thing.
And we're just going like, oh, my God, like, that little koala is my spirit animal.
Like, baby koalas are my, tica poodles are my spirit animal.
And these are Native Americans are like, that was like founded on the fact that like the, like a great, like we believed in that spirit.
Like we actually thought that our tribe leader was or red bear or whatever.
Yeah, but they thought that we could think that, man.
Everybody could think that.
They're just making it like cute and like fun.
But that's because if some girl does that and she's pulling on her hair and stuff like that and she's never had a job.
They say it.
But then that girl needs to get a job.
I think she can still say that.
I also don't want a girl to be like, my spirit animal is a kid.
See, that's what I want.
I want somebody more.
If you had to, let's just say spirit animal, but what animal do you look at and you go, oh yeah, duh.
Okay.
But why?
It's just because, man, you know.
Have you always liked rats?
Rats are great.
I would want to get one as a pet, but they die very soon.
Well, I had to share a room one night with two, not rats, it's like the limousine of rats.
Ferret.
And I had to share a room one night with two of those.
No!
Wait, has he said that before?
I haven't heard it.
Oh, I'll tell you this story, David.
Wait, have you said limousine of rat before?
That is so fucking funny.
Why?
You know, ferrets urinate on each other's backs.
You are truly unfair.
You are my.
I'm just going to say SA.
I'm not going to say.
You are so funny, and I can't let the limousine of rats, a ferret, go.
If that's the funniest thing we've said on this episode, then we are not doing well.
What, are you kidding me?
You're doing great.
I think you look great.
No, I think that is the funniest thing, and I'm fine saying that's the funniest thing I've ever been a part of ever.
That's so funny.
Dude, remember epilepsy?
Remember how big that was?
I remember?
Remember epilepsy was big?
Think about the things that were big when you were young.
Evanescence was big.
Wake me up inside.
Can't wake up.
Everything.
She was like, save me.
Everything was like, I used to work at CPK.
I pour a pizza kitchen, and she would just be like howling over the every girl that worked at CPK could relate to evanescence singing that.
Oh my god.
Wake me up inside.
You get off work, you're just smoking in your car.
Oh, my God.
Yes, I would smoke cigarettes on the way home from CPK after memorizing that music.
There was nothing better than smoking a cigarette on your way home from work.
Work.
Woo!
That's a good one.
Now it's smoking after work.
No, you think?
I really enjoy it.
I love, but it's not the same.
Like, I love smoking a cigarette and like listening to it, like a great song and just feeling cool.
Because cigarettes do make you feel cool.
Vaping doesn't look as cool.
It does just because like younger people do it.
So I guess younger people are cool.
And you're like, oh, I guess that's cool.
But cigarettes, I hate them and they destroy lives.
And I haven't smoked one.
I only had one in 12 years or something.
And I quit on a dime and it's very easy to quit.
But I do think they look cool.
Cigarettes?
And they're fun.
Oh, yeah.
They were a real thing.
Now people are sucking like this electronic thing.
It just has a different vibe.
But dude, there was nothing better.
I remember I get out of work like that, bitch.
I want to have this fake cigarette and shoot this like we're like madmen.
And just be cursing everybody I worked with as I left.
Just like nothing mattered.
I was the kid.
Where were you working that you were leaving?
I was busboy.
I did mostly busboying.
Throughout the south, mostly throughout the southeast region.
Okay.
you don't want to give any chains?
Or is it just like...
There was some, I think, fraud.
And also the owner or somebody got cancer.
I think maybe his girlfriend got cancer, but also they had a fight.
They had a marriage dispute.
What else?
Well, my first blowjob was.
Okay, damn.
Well, here we go.
I know that everyone's, all you do is talk about sex, but I really, I did have a good story.
I got to talk to women about work and they just want to tell you.
I don't want to hear about.
The first blowjob was.
I wanted you to just say like a funny place you worked.
I didn't hear to hear like the whole backstory of your.
Sorry.
No, I was intrigued, even though I literally don't remember one detail from it.
Did you work at an ice cream place?
Now that I could see you at Baskin Robin.
No, okay.
First of all, I was not a cheerleader.
Dude, I would have bought a thousand scoops.
I would have let you scoop it with your hands.
Dude, that's so nice.
I really appreciate that.
Like, I remember the first time.
I would have to throw some of it off your back.
That's what I would have said, you know?
Sorry, that's out of line.
I'm sorry.
That's so nice.
I want to.
Thank you.
I like when people allude to wanting to have sex with me.
I think it's like very nice.
When it was done in a way that you're just like, when they're just like jokingly saying it, like, that means a lot hearing that from you because I obviously, that's like the struggle of my life, I think, is like wanting to be fuckable and also wanting to be funny and fun and be, and, and then people being like, God, she's trying too hard to look fuckable.
It's just like, can't, I drew, I didn't discover that I was fuckable until very late in life.
And I also am not married, so who gives a shit and whatever.
But what I was going to say about that is like, also, I even hate being like, my first bull job, because people are going to write in comments, like, all she does is talk about sex.
She's just trying to shoehorn a sex rape.
But this, I actually think it's interesting.
But what I was going to say, what did you say?
I worked at an ice cream store.
No, I worked at a pizza place and I worked at a nail or a my first job was at like a hair salon as like the receptionist and I cried on the job and my no, well, yes, but I like was taking appointments and we used to write them and I cried so much on the job.
One day my tears splashed down and like totally ruined a whole appointment And like, you couldn't read any of it.
And my boss had to comfort me.
And I just left and never came back.
And she was calling my house trying to pay me.
And I was just like, I can't be seen there again.
Like, I was just, I would tempt here in LA when I was struggling.
I was up nannying most of the time because it's just like they trust you if you're like a woman who smiles.
Yeah.
Like they don't think you'll like hurt their kids.
It's all about the JPEG when it comes to nannying, I feel like.
I mean, it's all about like the picture, you know, when you see those all-pair websites.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
And like, you want someone who has like, you know, references and stuff.
But I, I was babysitting like with a service that would just dispatch you and it's so easy.
And I babysat for Judd Apatau for a bit.
That was really cool and just like gave me like a peek into that.
Yeah.
It's like 25 bucks an hour.
It was nice.
Y'all working better rich.
But I was doing like, I was temping.
Did you ever temp?
Did you ever do girl?
What's that thing?
Sugar girls or whatever?
What's that?
Sugar baby.
Sugar baby?
Yeah.
Theo, I don't know who you think I am.
Sorry.
I don't, I cannot have sex with someone I like like, let alone.
I'm very weird about sex.
I know.
I'm fascinated by your stuff with it as well because I feel like I look at sugar babies or like OnlyFans girls and like thoughts and girls that are just like porn stars.
I like love them all and I don't know, like, but I'm still weird about putting that kind of stuff out there.
Oh, I remember first, yeah, when I even got that first blowjob, I even remembered asking my buddy to go with me because I was nervous, you know?
Yeah, I mean, I guess guys are nervous too.
I mean, I would assume you guys are more driven, but girls are like, I've got to get this out of the way.
I just, I didn't give a blowjob till I was a junior in college.
And all my friends, I was like, they were all having sex relationships.
I was just like, I haven't even had sex.
I got to blow someone.
So I was just like.
Who was it?
It was a comedian.
That's the interesting part is I can't say who it was, but it was a, it was, see, I, I was up such a pretty.
Was he tall or short?
Medium.
Hmm, I bet I know who it is.
I'll tell you, I'll tell you who it is off air, but I can't say it on air.
I don't want to know off air.
Really?
Yeah.
Okay, well, good.
I'll tell you whatever you want to know because I would trust you, but I, but I respect that you don't care.
Yeah, I don't like knowing some of that kind of stuff, you know?
I agree.
I am actually.
I like more mystery.
I like to be able to imagine you blowing a couple of different people.
I have.
Like, I mean, my roster is crazy of people you know, but like, but that's the thing.
Everyone's going to be like, she's such a whore.
I literally don't know.
I don't think you're a whore.
You're also an adult.
It's not like you're a child who's like sneaking into people's houses and talking to them.
You are a regular adult and you can have sex.
I know, but if I were having a lot of sex, I would talk about it.
It seems like I do because I talk about sex a lot, but I don't.
Like, I haven't had sex in two years.
What?
Yeah.
Oh, we're going to get right into that.
Here's a woman right here that has a question.
She's obviously, she's not doing well either.
What's up?
Is she Australian?
We can't hear her.
What the fuck?
We can't hear her.
She's so cute.
You can't even hear her.
And, you know, you think she's Australian?
What makes you think that?
I just get an awesome vibe from her.
I can only do one.
It's your girl Kevby over here in RAF Lake and Heath, England.
That's Royal Air Force Base.
Oh, yeah, I've been there.
My question for Nikki is how, and I'm sure you'll probably get five variations of the same question, but it's about coming up as a female comic.
So what I've always noticed is a lot of female comics will start out like their first like big hit gig is like a lot of sexual-based humor.
And then as the, you know, their gigs continue, it's like a playoff of the same gig.
And what pressures do you feel, I guess, as like a female comic of like, if your humor is not sexual-based, like, do people think you're not funny anymore?
Or like, what is that trend about?
I'm curious.
Obviously, not a comic, but it's something I've noticed, you know, with female comics.
And it doesn't seem like there's a lot of them.
But when there are, always, always sexual-based.
Yeah.
Just curious.
Does it feel like that as a female comic?
Thank you.
That's a great question.
Gang, gang, and I appreciate your service over there, too.
I actually did a show at RAF Lake and Heath one time.
It's a great backhanded question.
So what she was referencing is what a lot of people say is like all they talk about is sex.
And it's true because, I mean, there's this documentary called Hysterical about female comics.
And it's the last thing I'm sure a lot of people want to watch.
And I'm in it.
And I did not expect this to be so fucking good and moving.
Like I learned, I watched it and cried at my own story.
Like I don't cry.
And I was like, I saw myself as like, oh my God, you're such a scared little girl who doesn't understand her worth.
And then I watched all these female comics that I'm friends with in this documentary.
It's so well done, Theo.
You won't actually really like it.
And it's one of the, I love documentaries.
It's really well done.
And I would not, I'm in the large shit.
And is it a real documentary that's on, we can see it somewhere now?
Well, I'm, yeah, it's called Hysterical and it's FX.
Okay.
And on Hulu.
But honestly, this is not.
If I wasn't in it, I'd be promoting it.
Everyone I've told to watch it, who you would think would be like, not into that, they fucking, people have overheard me listening to it.
But anyway, I watched all my friends on there being like, what drove them to stand up?
Judy Gold, Rachel Feinstein, Sherry Shepard, Margaret Sho, who else?
And then the girl that stood up to Harvey Weinstein.
Harvey Weinstein was at a fucking open mic or the show this girl was doing and she called him out.
It was so brave.
It's fucking good.
But my point is, female comics talk about sex, at least it's presented in that documentary, because we were like silenced about our bodies and like controlled about for so long that when you talk, you want to talk about like what you've been told you can't talk about.
But for me, when it comes to sex, I've done Fallon, like stand-up on Fallon four or five times at this point.
I can do clean material.
I don't have to talk about sex.
I don't talk about sex in any of that.
And I've done tons of like squeaky things and people go, oh, she's filthy.
The thing is, I talk about sex because I like it.
I'm not trying to talk about sex with you today because I am like trying to be like sexual or because I don't really, I don't think I'm funny about anything else.
It's interesting and no one's talking about it.
People still think, oh, everything's been talked about.
It's like, no, it hasn't.
I'm still encountering things that I'm like, I need someone to process this with me.
And for me, that is saying it on stage and having people laugh and go, or tough girls go, oh my God, that happens to me too.
I needed to hear that.
And like empowering girls.
I just really want to do with stand up, talk about sex because I want men to know how we're feeling and I want to understand how men are feeling.
So I want to express what I think men are feeling and hear if that's right or not.
Right.
And like, and be and make people feel better about it because I'm just, the reason I talk about sex is because I'm so fucking scared of sex and like so also want it, but also don't want it.
And it's like the most interesting thing.
Well, yeah, I mean, sex is an interesting thing.
It's really like a, it's like, I mean, it's how we get here also.
It's like you don't even exist if somebody doesn't have sex, you know?
So the fact that it has so much magic in it.
I would be a sex therapist if I wasn't a comedian.
If I didn't have like talent in what I perform, I would still work in the sex field.
Do you think that women don't get broad enough with their topics, though?
No.
I think talk about whatever the fuck you want.
You know, like anything I do now, that's what we were talking about, like hobbies and stuff and feeling you waste time.
When I do something now that feels like if I masturbate now, let's say, or do something that I'm like, I'm trying to think of another, or get a massage.
Like I'm getting a foot massage after this one.
Really, I maybe should work on some stuff I have due.
Yeah.
But it's like those things, it's not a waste.
Like I want it or smoking weed when I probably shouldn't.
Instead of being like, you're smoking weed, this is so bad.
I'm just like, listen, I have a life where I choose what I get to want to do.
And so if I'm doing it, I must want to do it.
It must be serving me in some way.
So just cut the guilt and just enjoy it.
So that I have that approach now with sex stuff.
Like I, I will talk about whatever fascinates me, but sex still fascinates me until it doesn't.
When my libido drops, when I'm doing stand-up when I'm 60, I probably won't be talking about fucking.
Right.
Well, we can always check then, you know.
Yeah, I think it's tough sometimes.
I don't like talking about it because it just seems kind of vulgar to me sometimes.
So I like thinking about it sometimes, you know.
But I don't like really...
I guess sometimes I don't like talking about it.
It breeds shame.
You're right.
Like, I'm getting into talking about molestation on stage now.
Like, I want to do like a fucking molestation chunk.
I have not been molested.
So as someone who hasn't been molested.
Oh, you got to get out there.
I got to get.
Well, I'm going to therapy to find it because I feel like I have, I'm so fascinated by molestation and what it does to people and how much it's happening that we don't know about and how much it affects so many of my friends that have opened up to me about.
So many people were molested.
Everyone.
Jesus.
Why don't we just admit that everybody's molested and everybody?
If you're molested, it wasn't your fault.
There's nothing you did.
If you enjoyed it, it wasn't your fault.
If you went along with it, it wasn't your fault.
You were a kid.
You forgive yourself.
It doesn't mean you're gay, even if you enjoyed it and you were with a man and now you're in a relationship.
Forgive yourself.
Talk to someone about it.
I don't understand what that's like.
Do you ever wish that you were molested?
You feel like?
I have a joke about it, like being like, it would explain so much if I was able to go, oh, it's that because my uncle and that one time and my mom ignored it, but I wasn't.
I was, I mean, I was assaulted for my first kiss, but in the scheme of things, it was very, very minor.
But it scarred me to be scared of men and feel like they could just jump on me and I can't get them off of me and then they'll hate me.
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What do you think about what was the thing I was looking at the other day?
Are you dating men now?
Are you being able to meet men?
Here's a guy that has a question right here.
This guy right here is in his car.
What up, Theo Gang Gang?
What's up, player?
So I've been with my girl for about four years now, and I love her to death.
However, I feel like the sex has gotten a little predictable in terms of like I know What's going to happen, how long it's going to take, who's going to go where, kind of things like that.
And I was wondering what I can do to maybe spice things up without really having to ask her what she wants me to do to spice things up.
But I kind of want to surprise her.
I want her to be like, oh, this is new and I like it.
So what is some advice?
What are some tricks I can do to spice things up?
And my girl's a little bit more.
Oh, he's trying to be a sex guy.
I'm excited to answer this.
He's trying to be a real sex man.
What you got for him?
All right.
So some things that I don't think are for every woman, but that a lot of men don't know are most women.
And you can kind of test these out.
And like, I'm not an expert in any way and I've never thought about answering this, but I'm just going to share some things that I like that I think other women would like.
And it's being definitely a light choking can't ever hurt.
Someone like start very like this.
If she likes that, then she can tell you to go harder.
But doing that out of the blue and just even a light one still feels a little bit like, what?
Just putting that, you can't go wrong.
And if even if she's like, no, no, no, that's fine.
You didn't do anything.
You just put your, like, you tried a little something.
That's fine.
No harm, no foul.
Just joking.
Her up.
Tie us up.
We like it.
This is going to get everybody I know into trouble.
In a way, no, no, no.
Don't just do this without, like, just.
Yeah, and make sure it's indoors also.
And you can start all of this by saying, if at any point you don't want to do any of this, I will stop this.
Start it with that cat's cradle thing.
You know what I'm saying?
Don't do like, don't go boatknot.
Yeah.
Go like easy.
Just, you can get stuff on like all these websites, have like easy straps to put under the bed that you can hide before you're even fucking her on the bed.
When you get on the bed, go just like take her arm, kind of go, hold on a second.
And then she'll be like, wait, what?
And then put one hand in the thing.
Then if she's into it, like, what are you doing?
Do the other one.
Then do the, then do the legs.
Then, if she's wearing a pair of underwear that are easily replaceable, like put on a put a sleep mask on her, blindfold her.
This is the next thing.
These are all consenting.
Obviously, ask for consent.
Then there's like a writer's room.
Try to get her underwear off, but you can't because her legs are down there.
And then take a scissors and fucking cut them off.
And just be like, I don't even respect your underwear.
That is hot.
But make sure they're not a pair like Hanky Panky that are like $18 a pop.
Make sure these are some like, you know, like just one.
Even actually, if they were my good pair, I would even respect it more.
I'd be like, this fucking guy doesn't give a fuck about my nice.
You're going to, and then he would like pay me for them later or whatever.
That's hot.
And then here's the other thing.
Get her Venmo.
This guy can do with his girlfriend of four years.
He knows her well enough to be able to try all of this.
Don't do this on like a first date.
But then I would say treat her.
See if she likes to be slutty.
See if you, maybe you can like, see whatever.
You know what I want to know?
I want to know what he's into.
Whatever he's into, she's going to like, girls just want their, girls just want to feel like a guy's like.
And y'all take a bath first too, though.
I think that's important.
Yeah.
Get her in the bath.
Set it up.
Or take your own baths.
I think this cleanliness is always good.
But he's asking how to spice it up.
I feel like he's not saying that he's going to have gotten monotonous, not like musty.
Yeah.
That's not his problem, is the bath.
But yeah, we'll start.
Who's not taking a bath to?
I like a good shower no matter what.
If I'm having sex or watching TV anymore, then you go, babe, this is at your own, swim at your own risk.
Because I'm telling you right now, it's not good.
Like morning breath, sometimes you're like, it's bad, and they don't care.
That's kind of hot too.
But here's a good one.
Good girl.
Okay.
This is when you push her to do things that might be a little too hoarse beyond her comfort zone.
And like she's like, if a girl's sucking your dick and you grab her hair a little aggressively and you say, good girl, sorry, I'm not trying to turn anyone on.
It's really, it really is good.
Girls love hearing good girl.
And then the final one is tell us we can't come.
Try to make us come and then say, don't you fuck, don't you dare come.
Oh, like David Blaine kind of thing.
Don't do it.
And be like, and be like, if you come, I'm going to be really upset with you.
Like, just, you don't even need to be like, I'm going to punch you, but like, or like, I'm going to, you're not going to, you're going to get the whip.
Yeah.
Or so I'm just going to be really disappointed in you.
And she's going to be like, what the fuck and go, but I'm going to try to make you come, but you're not allowed to come.
And like, try to, if you have that power dynamic.
And then when you tell her to come, I swear to God, it will be really, really good.
And no guys know that one.
And that one is a, that one's real good.
That one's a lifesaver.
Yeah.
And to answer your, wait, what were you asking before?
Just to spice it up.
No, he had a question for me before this.
I think he meant just like get a card or something.
I think he meant to do that.
No, he meant bedroom stuff.
Yes.
But dude, he said the sex is kind of monotonous.
Yeah, you're right.
He's talking about sex.
And these are simple things.
These aren't even like up.
Bring lube into blowjobs.
Lube makes things so like sexy and wet and like pornographic that you like, girls, stop just trying to exist on your own wetness.
Like just bring in lube.
And then I literally bring in toys.
Toys.
Okay.
That guy needs a bad thing.
Hold on.
This guy's just who even knows.
But I'm giving a grab bag for your listeners because so many people are in stagnant sex relationships.
Bringing a toy into bed is so hot because I will tell you, don't be threatened by it because when a guy brings a toy in, I go, like I was telling my friend the other day, I was hooking up and this guy was.
That's all I know.
Yeah, bring your Legos.
When this guy was going down on me and it was just not what I wanted, it wasn't going to work out, you know?
But he was doing other things.
He was doing hand stuff that I was like, now that's good.
But the other stuff is just a distraction and I can't get there.
And then I was like, can I just use my vibrator?
And he was like, sure.
And it was such a much better orgasm than I could have done alone with a vibrator.
So I did need him.
And it was much better than I could have done alone with him without like, because we weren't, I was not having sex with him.
So I was like, but you know what I'm saying?
Men shouldn't be threatened by toys.
Are you threatened by them if a girl is like?
I don't think I am.
I do not know if you are.
I don't know.
Jesus Christ.
I have no idea anymore.
What I'm trying to say is I think it's like.
What, Theo?
Huh?
What?
Oh, dang.
I'm just saying that, yeah, the guy's having a tough time, and now you'll be able to help him out.
I think that that's good.
I think the guy can now have sex with his wife.
I think you're making my advice seem like too much, but I think it was fucking small done.
And I think your listeners are.
Oh, a lot of men need it.
They're going to need it.
A lot of men need it.
And a lot of girls need this.
This is for the ladies, too.
Like, we got to stop pretending like we all know what we're doing.
We don't.
And we got to.
Well, I get afraid to talk about stuff that I like.
That's one of my things.
I'll get afraid to talk about it.
I'll get afraid to bring stuff up.
Okay, so what is something you can you admit something that you like here that maybe women wouldn't know that men like that are is one of these things that I'm kind of sharing with you that you're like oh I didn't even know to think to do that is there's something in bed that a girl's done it before and you're like that's a good one I just like kind of like sneaky stuff like if I I like more of like a uh I don't like somebody who's all like fast and like it feels like they're trying to like Brazilian jiu-jitsu me I like more some of them like a little bit more of a like making love no I
don't need like a you want a counting crow song playing in Zachary like that fading no but I don't mind things sometimes a little bit more like sometimes you get somebody and they're it's just like they're so just like it's just like yes you got to be on the same energy level like sometimes it is like but sometimes like yeah too fast is like I learned about blowjobs and which I didn't know from my guy friends is that a lot of girls start at like a 10. You start second dick and you're like, I'm giving it my all.
And it's like, start at a two.
Don't give them what you got.
Go to a four.
Keep it at a four.
Go back down to two.
Go down to one.
Seven through ten.
Save seven through ten for the future.
Just save it for the end.
Like I always went in really aggressive.
Like my first blowjob was terrible.
My second, third, like I was so bad for so long.
And I probably am not that good.
But what really is good, I think, about a blowjob is you just have to enjoy it.
So now I'm just like, I try to just go like, what do I want to do?
Because if the guy thinks I'm having fun, he's going to think that he's like, he's going to be a good one.
What if a man, if you're given a oral and it's too fast, if a man tells you that, is that better if he tells you?
Too fast, too fast, too fast.
Yes, that's it.
Oh my God, that's it.
So sometimes a girl will look at you like she doesn't want to go slower, like she's in a hurry.
No, no, no.
Well, if someone can't understand that it feels better if you go slower and they're offended by that, that's not someone you should be with.
And if you're scared to communicate, and I've been like that, Theo, I had a guy once going down on me and I was just like, that's not, that's not, and I was just like, if you do this, like right here, I like had the solution.
You know, I was like, oh my God, I thought, you know, it's like a massage.
You're like, no, no, no, up an inch or whatever.
And I was like, oh my God.
And he just goes, I got it.
Like he kind of like, like I was trying to figure out the directions on people don't want to, yeah, sometimes they want to just figure out navigation.
Like, I got it.
You know, like, and I was like, it's my pussy.
I actually got it.
Like, I know how to operate this thing.
But then part of this, somebody takes away the magic.
I get it, but no, it's just like, no, it won't because he starts doing something to the spot I just pointed out that I can't do myself and that I don't even know if he's going to be able to, but let's just see.
And then I calm a lot.
Like that will be magical.
Girls don't care if it's like, you know what, he made me come.
But the coolest thing is he found it without me telling.
Like girls don't talk like that.
Just we're fine if you just do what we tell you to do and do it well.
It's like awesome.
Yeah, you're right.
So ask and tell girls because girls need to learn.
I feel like I didn't learn how to do stuff until I was in relationships where it was like, we could actually have some real conversations about what is good and what's bad.
And it's like, why make it a guessing game if you know what you like?
A lot of times is I didn't start masturbating until so long that I didn't and I didn't hook up with anyone for so long that when every all these magazines are saying like communicate with your man.
What do you like?
I was like, I'm 32 and I don't know what I like.
I don't even know what to tell a guy.
Like, what do you want me to do down there?
I'm like, just rub.
Like I used to want a guy to just rub his face in it so he hits something.
Like I don't know the spot.
But now I know a better idea.
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Well, this guy's beautiful, honestly.
Oh, my God.
I'm going to say that.
Wow.
Theo.
What up, Nikki?
Hi.
Here by the pool.
I'm a 22-year-old guy, you know, on the hunt for that kitty.
I'm always looking for different ways to approach a girl at a bar.
So, Nikki, the question's for you.
What is the sexiest ways a man can approach a woman at a bar?
Gang, gang.
Gang, brother.
There you go.
I mean, that energy, like, watch your video before you approach a woman at a bar and mimic whatever it was that you were putting it out in that because that's a sexy guy.
And, like, the way I was just mesmerized by that, it's just like very, like, hey, I know who I am.
Yay.
And that, you know, that guy used to work here.
I've never been hit on like in public, but some things that I would like to hear is like, I'm sorry, you're really stunning and seem great.
And that's not like something I would say.
Be honest.
How about honesty?
Like, you're the hottest girl in this bar.
And I know that's a line, but like, if it's true, fucking, we want to know.
What about like this?
Hey, you seem like, hey, I just honestly, I had to come over and say hey to you.
Love it.
I love that.
And she'll be like, hi.
And then you can just say, I don't even, I didn't even have a plan for this.
But what I like, one thing that I liked that my friend used to do was he would give his email to a girl.
Like he'd see a girl parking and like on a bench and be like, here, I think you're really cute.
I'd love to take you out.
Here's my email.
So let me know if you want to go out.
And it's email, so it's not as threatening.
And if I don't hear from you, I'll convince myself you lost that, but I hope I do.
And then leave.
But like, that is hot because he didn't give me his number.
So it's like kind of like, okay, I need to like prove this guy worthy of giving his number.
So he kind of negs you in a way with just the email.
Right.
And then he also makes it so like either way, he's going to be fine.
And you're like, well, then that was hot and confident.
And just what that was confidence.
Just exude that and don't wear a shirt and lose one of those necklaces.
A lot of places you can't even get into without a shirt, though.
That's true.
That's true.
Okay.
Just deep V. Just kidding.
Do never deep V. Never, never.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, I don't have any of those anymore.
After this conversation, I know.
What else is going on?
So how are you meeting?
Are you meeting people now if you're not dating?
I thought you were dating your opener.
You guys don't date?
Andrew?
Yeah.
Andrew Colin.
Andrew Collin is my roommate.
He's my best friend.
He's my opener.
I met him as my dog walker.
He's a hilarious comedian.
We have a podcast together.
Hold on.
We have a podcast together called the Nikki Glaze Podcast.
It's Monday through Thursday.
It's like a morning radio show every day.
So I would love if people would subscribe to that.
He's fucking hilarious.
I thought you guys knew each other.
I thought you were good friends.
We have met before.
He loves you.
I love you.
We share your clips all the time.
And we just think the world of you.
So I was like, you got to come with me to think of it.
Oh, that's so sweet of you.
So he's in another room.
But no, we have never, we don't have that.
It's like we're like best friends and it's just platonic.
And people are like, how could that be?
And I don't know.
It's just like, I think it can be.
We have boundaries.
And it's great.
I live in St. Louis with him.
I convinced him to move from New York to St. Louis because I didn't want to go back to New York or LA because I could get a fucking amazing place in St. Louis.
It's by my parents.
I was there for the whole pandemic.
And I was starting a podcast and I knew I needed a co-host.
And I was like, I also want, I'm lonely.
I want a roommate.
I don't have a boyfriend.
That's awesome.
I don't have, my friends all are married.
So, Andrew, will you move here?
We got a fucking penthouse, like apartment in St. Louis for fucking cheap.
We're living the life.
We're doing our podcast at home.
We wake up and we just meet.
He's got a girlfriend.
I'm trying to like date guys.
My ex-boyfriend's back in town.
Where are you meeting these men though?
And I love hearing.
I recently fell in love for the like in a deep, deep way for the first time in my life.
And I'm like, oh my God.
Yeah, it's crazy.
And it's already over, but it was awesome.
And I met that person in person like on a, on a job.
And it was just like, it was, it only lasted like three weeks.
Yeah.
Wow.
In three weeks.
So it was like mad love.
Like it was like this fast, furious kind of thing.
Yeah, it was a special thing, but it was also like, people can't believe how I'm not like, and it only ended four weeks ago.
Oh, my God.
And I am, and I thought, I was, I told this person I wanted to be with them forever.
Like, or not that I wanted to, but like, you're one of many men I could probably see myself with.
And we all share a bed at night sometimes.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, but I didn't have sex with them because I don't have sex with people until they're my, until my, they're my, like, boyfriend, you know, like, not boyfriend, but like, just, they're committed to me and, like, want to be with me.
And so we didn't never, it didn't end up being that because we wanted different things.
But I, um, but it was so nice to fall in love.
And like, Theo, I don't know that, have you ever been in love?
It's scary.
Yeah, I've been in love, man, when I was young.
No, man, like, like, love where you're, like, I'm ready to, like, be with this person forever, where you're like, I'm ready, like, I think I might, like, like them no matter what kind of love.
Like, what do you think?
And, like, they love you back and you feel like you fire anything?
Like, I've been in love before with guys and felt like I was, I was, like, literally probably in love with Dave Matthews in high school.
Like, the feelings I felt for him were so intense that they really.
Yeah, until he opened his bust, like, the urinal of their bust.
And it hit all those people on that bridge.
I love scat play.
I love when he's scatting.
Oh, wait, no, that's the Jim Norton.
Yeah.
I think he was opening up for Jim Norton.
On the Jim Norton.
Yeah, that was a bad moment in Dave Mathis.
You know how they do the River Green for St. Patrick's Day in Chicago?
He was celebrating another holiday that associated with, I couldn't think of one.
I didn't even want to try.
Do you know what I'm saying?
It's just like, I don't know.
That would have been a fun joke to make.
Do you think sometimes that as we get older, our brains get a little less acute for making jokes?
Have you started to notice that?
No, there was, the jokes were there.
I just couldn't make them because it seemed like it might be racist or something.
Oh, I was just like.
Like if they paint it green for St. Patrick, say it's brown for what's a shit holiday.
I don't know.
I just go to like brown.
What's like the most crazy thing to say about the color brown as my joke brain.
And then I go, like racial jokes.
And then I can't make any of those.
So I just go, ah, I'll just stare at Theon said and laugh.
But you're right.
I feel like as I get older, yeah, we're getting slowly like more stupid.
Sometimes I wonder if my brain gets a little less acute sometimes.
You're busting out limousine of rats.
You're just fine.
Like you, I watch your shit sometimes and I go, it's who I was showing you to someone.
I was showing you to the person I was in love with, actually.
And I was like, he is the funniest.
And he just goes, it's like his brain works.
It's like, I go, it's just, he's just so.
You're well known as someone who is just like.
Justlyn Lake and I were actually talking about you.
It wasn't Jessica Lake, but we were talking about you the other night and just saying like, how like you're you're so that your talent is so unique and like you've always been that way, but it's just like, it's just so cool to see you just like really refine it.
And I, I just love watching you and you're so funny, but I don't think you're, you will get more demented.
This, you're peaking, but it's downhill from here because, you know, like, well, Gary Shanling, did you watch that thing?
The Judd Apatau documentary, The Three Parter.
It's so good, but you see this guy that is a genius kind of start to lose his mind.
What happened to him?
You know, he was starting to get paranoid about things.
Like, who knows what it was?
I forget what happened.
I think his health was deteriorating and so his brain as a result of those things.
I forget that it could have been a specific thing that was leading to this.
But he's, you know, there's a scene of him on Conan later on in his life before his death where he's just not sharp.
And it's like talk, you feel like you're watching your uncle being interviewed, like that has good jokes, but like it's just the timing's off.
And it's like this, it's sad to see, and I know it goes.
Like if I smoke too much pot, my, my, my jokes don't get worse, but my memory for what the fuck I'm talking about gets worse.
So it gets more like disjointed.
So that's, I, I, I, I definitely feel deteriorating from just like not sleeping from, do you feel that way?
Oh, I think sometimes, yeah, I just did a ketamine.
I just went through a ketamine therapy too.
I just did a ketamine therapy for like two weeks.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
Wait, when did you do that?
Ketamine is a little, I felt a little slow.
Even in this conversation, I felt a little.
Theo, I wish I would have known that.
Wait, what?
Can you just quickly tell me what led you to do that and what it was?
Yeah.
What led me to do it?
I met this lady and she had done it.
And so.
I'm asking, like, why do you need ketamine therapy?
Oh, because I was having so much pain.
I was literally having so much physical pain from stress that I was like, I have to try something different.
So I just wanted to try something new, you know?
And so ketamine for stress, for physical pain, because they know it's mental.
Well, because I feel like it's definitely psychosomatic pain.
Like it comes literally from stress, from like things from thoughts and like stressful moments that it happens.
Have you read that back pain book, Sarno?
It's all about that.
I will read it sometime, but you probably won't read it.
No, you won't, but let me just say it's a book that has healed so many, my back pain included.
You read it and you learn that you're back pain.
I don't have any back pain right now.
But, you know, whatever you were trying to treat, the fact that you were able to acknowledge like this is stress and I need to treat the stress, not the physical element.
People are getting back surgeries.
And it's all because it's their subconscious mind is like rerouting pain that they don't want to feel up here to the weakest parts of their skeleton.
So your bulging disc is not supposed to hurt as bad as it does.
It is there, but you don't need surgery on it.
You need to just acknowledge that it's stress.
You don't even need to fix the stress.
You just acknowledge that it is and it will, it will go away.
But then you slowly treat it.
But ketamine therapy, is your pain gone now?
Well, a couple things happen.
I mean, I feel like it has been going away.
I also quit caffeine about two and a half weeks ago.
Okay, Theo.
I'm trying both those things right now.
I am totally obsessed with caffeine addiction because I am addicted to it.
And I know you asked about my ZVs if they were caffeine.
So I did note that early on.
Caffeine addiction is from my, I tried to quit caffeine for 20 minutes and was like, felt like I had COVID because of the symptoms of like in the morning, like the depression just malaise lethargy.
Lethargy.
I think it's lethargy, but lethargy too, if you want to say it that way, which is wrong, but it's fine.
But you, did you experience that?
Did you experience like, how did you do it?
I have been tired, I think.
I think I've been tired from not some of the caffeine, but also I feel, I definitely feel like some of the acute pain from the stress going away.
So that feels pretty good.
And then the ketamine thing, some of it was cool.
Like some of it got a little scary.
I was kind of glad when it was over.
I was like, how does it go?
It's just like you go, they hook you up to an IV.
You're in there with a therapist, and so you just start talking about stuff.
And then you like, your brain kind of goes through like these warp zones and stuff.
And you literally, I mean, it got, I mean, I remember at one point I thought it was a cryptocurrency.
Like you get, you go pretty deep.
You might be a little bit slower than you normally are, but you didn't affect your.
I love that I'm clearly seeing that whatever you did did not affect how funny you are and the way your brain works because I think so many people are scared if they treat this stuff, they won't be as funny.
Well, I just wanted to try it.
Like I feel like I'm healthy enough to try it.
I'm healthy enough to have an experience from it.
You know, in the end, I still feel probably like, you know, a lot of my stuff is spiritual in nature and I probably just need to have a relationship with a higher power for myself.
Do you?
But it could be better for sure.
I mean, I have one, but it certainly could be, you know.
I just got one too a year ago and like, or I've been trying to have one within a, like about over a year and like accept a God or higher power or like admit that I'm not in control of all the things.
And that's kind of like about the acceptance of like, okay, I want to masturbate.
So I'm masturbating.
I want to smoke weed.
Okay, I'm smoking weed.
Like the gentleness of like, you're not in control.
Just do, just be.
And the higher power thing and being raised as an atheist, I don't know how you were.
Oh, you always raised as atheists, really?
Yeah, like really.
We weren't raised with much, but we didn't, I just picked up things from around the neighborhood, you know, family.
Loathe's religion.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Wow.
And like, you know, like, if you believe in God, you're probably dumber.
And you probably, like, those are the things I kind of grew up with.
Like, I, my parents would catch me watching Seventh Heaven and they'd be like, what's going on?
Go memorize some fucking Marilyn Manson lyrics or something.
You know, like, go, they, they would be, like, disappointed.
I would go to Christian Young Life camp because it was just to flirt with boys and my friends.
And I liked singing songs.
I liked singing Sweet Caroline, bop, bop, bop.
Like, those moments.
And they were just like, you know, it's you.
And so now I feel really weird being like telling my parents, I was living with my parents over the summer and I was so depressed that I started praying because I just had no hope left.
I was, when you mentioned ketamine, I was like, tell me about it because I was so depressed that I called Neil Brennan, being like, I called Gary Goldman, actually, being like, I was about to call Neil, but it didn't get that desperate.
But I called Gary Goldman, being like, I'm going to check myself in somewhere because I'm fucking want to kill myself.
Like, I'm not going to, but it's bad.
My brain is turned against me.
And because my parents, I'm living with my parents, they're like, you hosted Kimmel last week.
You have all these tour dates.
Everyone's like, you have to, there's nothing that spurred this.
And it's like, I don't know what's going on here.
But I got caught praying one day because I was trying to talk to a higher power, trying to just like act as if there is.
You're like, okay, I'll just pray next to my bed.
Like I'm like a little Mormon like girl.
Like I don't know how to pray.
So I get on my bed.
Doesn't it feel like something, I feel like when I put some like, if I talk inside of myself subconsciously to a higher power.
And I'm not saying your higher power has to be any specific religion.
I'm just saying you're thinking.
But if you do that, I feel like something hears me.
Yeah, it does.
And I feel like it's that, I don't think that's a crazy thing.
I haven't always felt like that in my whole life, you know, but I feel like it does.
I can't.
And then it's nice because then life every day isn't just my responsibility.
It's not just up to you.
That's what I love about it, too, because you as a part of it been up to you.
And I've never been since you were family.
My whole life, everything's been up to me.
It's always been you.
And now you learn.
As soon as you finally accept it, which as someone who didn't believe in God and like to accept that there's someone looking out for me and that always is with me, even when I'm like having a relapse or like always, you know, I, I kind of, my, my, like, biggest problem is like, I quit drinking, but my biggest problem is like eating disorder stuff.
And it's like, even when I start to do those behaviors that I know lead to bed, or I'm smoking too much pot, I'm just like, if I sit and acknowledge like whoever's looking after me, this is the way it's supposed to be.
And just like, then I, the behavior doesn't, it doesn't.
It doesn't affect you so much.
It doesn't.
It accepts it.
Like I'm just like, okay, someone's here with me.
Like I got nervous the other day, but it's hard to remember to do that.
That's the thing of just being like, hey, sometimes I talk to dead friends and I feel like that helps me of like, hey, can you not help me?
Like, hey, will you please get me this special with HBO?
Please have them give me a special.
I don't ask for things, but I go, will you help me be okay no matter what happens with this HBO special?
And that's what I asked for.
And that just, whether or not it is true, it just fucking, it helps.
Yeah.
But it just feels like a necess, it feels like some, to have some connection to some other, to a higher source just feels like, I don't know, it used to seem like it was part of life so much more.
Even if you go back to Native Americans, like their spirit animal, the spirit, you know, like the fact that they would like pray to the sun and the moon and like to the water and like how it all works.
And then here we are out here just like, you know, it's like these things we've created, you know, all this technology and all this stuff, like it has so much more power.
You know, it takes all our attention, like you're saying.
But it's not very rewarding, though.
I don't think it gives us much of a reward.
Sometimes I'm on Instagram and I'm scrolling and I just go, you know what?
And I'll acknowledge it.
I'll go, you've been scrolling a while and you're not feeling good about this.
I just go, either you make a decision, do you want to keep doing this?
And if you do, just do it.
You know, don't have this.
Right, right.
Yeah.
Don't also do the thing where you feel bad about yourself.
Yeah, just do it, but acknowledge that you're doing it.
And I know we got to wrap things up, but fuck, what was the thing that you were saying about how long have we been going?
Praying so long.
Our 20. Have we really?
It flies by.
JC, fam.
Yeah, just be...
Order some lunch, too, actually.
Sorry, go on.
Yeah, but anyway, I got really depressed, but the thing that saved, I got like diagnosed with ADHD.
You have ADHD as an adult woman.
And I never was diagnosed with it, but I went and got like, you know, yes.
And that is, I just, it's scary to like be dependent on something, but I'm also on antidepressant meds.
I just don't want to have thoughts of killing myself.
I'm tired of it.
I'm not, it's, it's like, what is that?
I wouldn't even like sit and think like, how am I going to kill myself?
I'd just be like sitting here with you and then I would just like think of, and I'd just like, ah.
I think Native Americans killed themselves.
You know, they, I wonder, I don't think many did.
Like bow and arrow like this.
I know.
That would be the worst.
I think they might have sacrificed themselves, but I think that's a total different mental and spiritual animal than just like, oh.
And you're doing it because your dad made you because you have to sacrifice a virgin on the first full moon or something.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
It's nothing you really want to do.
So yeah.
Suicide, though, is like, yeah.
I think it's why you see a lot of people trying to get back into things that are just more like, you know, I think it's one of the nice things about actually having, getting a place that's not in Los Angeles.
I just feel there's a little bit more nature around me.
It's like I can go run a few times a week around this Lake Radnor and it's like, it's just a couple miles, but it's a lot of fun.
It's straight up somewhere you're going running.
You know, huh?
Do you care if like the gang gang shows up on your run?
Oh, no, I don't.
That's cool.
I see people out there a lot.
I see people when I'm running by.
Yeah, yeah.
It's mostly a lot of Arabs like to go walk by the They'll use a lot of parks if you notice that.
No, I am.
Middle Eastern people love to use parks.
They're smart.
Parks, like getting out in nature, it really does, it makes a huge difference.
It's a big difference.
Yeah, I was just in the Cayman Islands and I was on an island for two and a half months, dude, and there's no COVID down there.
I just stayed.
And then the show ended and I stayed two more weeks because I'm like, I'm not coming back until the States need me for something.
It was awesome.
You're working on a show?
Yeah.
What kind of show is it?
It's a, I can't say, but I'm hosting.
When is this coming out?
Tomorrow.
Okay.
Yeah.
I'm hosting a show that I can't.
It's going to be out this summer, but it's like.
Oh, fun.
It was my, it was the best thing I've ever watched.
It was?
Yeah.
It was amazing.
After like, I accepted a gig that I truly accepted based on hearing the name of it and being like, yeah, this is what I want to do.
Like, I'm loving my life right now.
And I feel like you are too.
Like, I feel like we're just doing this.
You also think you're killing yourself a second ago.
No, no, that was last summer.
Oh, my bad.
No, I got over my depression probably in the fall because I went and got treated for it.
And I like on a dime started treating my ADHD.
And I have not had one suicidal ideation since then.
Wow.
But over the summer, I was in a really dark place.
And it could come back because I've had those throughout my life.
Do you feel, see, one of my goals, I would like to get off of antidepressants.
That's one of my goals, which is one of the main reasons why I tried the ketamine therapy because it's had a lot of success with getting people off of antidepressants.
I also want to do mushrooms and LSD to treat.
People are trying a lot of stuff.
I am.
I'm going to try to get some stuff.
I also want to go to Burning Man.
Do you drink Sam Harris?
Do you like Sam Harris?
I got his app, the Wake Up.
Yeah.
Sam Harris is the reason I'm a better person now than I was the summer.
He and many others.
There's a lot of good stuff out there.
There's no free will.
There's a lot of junk out there, too.
You know, that's a tough thing.
Oh, yes.
And he might be just...
I'm just saying, but there's a lot of shit.
He might be.
Like, I know that I fall for shit all the time online.
You know, I didn't fall for that Gwyneth Poucher thing that everyone was passing around.
With the vagandals or whatever?
No, she said there was some headline the other day that was like, through the pandemic, it's been really tough.
One night I even had to eat bread and everyone's going, oh my God, I lost my grandfather, but it was fake.
She didn't say that.
I'm not shocked.
Yeah, see, that's the thing.
She maybe said a comment, but they're like, it's not real.
Well, nothing in the news, none of this is real.
But Sam Harris is someone that has like, his app is so helpful for if you're going through depression or just existential crisis.
And the fact that there's no free will has really helped me too.
Well, I think what do you mean there's no free will you mean?
Look into it.
If you read Sam Harris's book, Free Will, the concept that you have any control over anything you do, you want to talk about you're not in control of your own life.
You're really not because it's too much of a concept.
This might, if by any, by the way, this freaks anyone out right now, the idea that you're not in control of your life, because the fact is you're not, that scares you.
You should probably not trigger warning because some people with like psych, psychiatric, like illnesses can't handle this.
But basically, free will doesn't, the idea that you are controlling anything you do, the idea that I'm like, oh, I'm going to pet that rat and I did it.
Okay, yes.
I had the thought, though, of I'm going to pet that rat.
Did I choose that thought?
Did I go, I could do anything right now and I'm going to go choose.
No, it just popped in my head.
So anything that you can argue is a choice is a thought that popped in your head that you did not, that you pulled out of nowhere.
You didn't choose who your parents were.
You didn't choose that your heart's beating.
Much like those other things, you don't choose what you think.
And everything you do is based on what you think.
So if you're not choosing what you think, there's, it's either completely random or it's determinism, which is like, it's already laid out.
Does that make sense?
I mean, it slightly makes some sense.
I mean, I think it just sounds like more that it sounds like a bigger thing that we'd have to unpack.
You know, it sounds like a bigger thing.
That's the basics.
And if anyone's interested, just, I'm serious, look into, because it really helped me.
Right.
This concept.
And I didn't know it was a thing.
It's a short book called Free Will by Sam Harris.
I could see it taking a lot of pressure off of people because then it's like the decisions and the choices you make are not as they're not.
They're not your fault.
They're not going to hamper yourself as much either.
Well, nothing's your fault.
Like when they open up, this is a great example he gives in the book.
When they open up a guy that shoots up a fucking mall or something, and they're like, how could he shoot?
A strip mall.
A strip mall.
He shoots up a strip maul.
They open up his brain.
They do an autopsy and they find, oh my God, there is a giant tumor on his amygdala.
I'm just making up.
I don't know if that, it completely explains why this otherwise normal man had this complete shift and shot up the mall.
Actually, he would probably get a different charge because of that, right?
Because it wasn't his fault.
It was his brain.
It was a tumor, right?
It's not premeditated, right?
Even if he planned it, it wasn't his fault as a tumor.
We have some sympathy for that guy in a way that we don't have for a Jeffrey Dahmer, right?
Or a Ted Bundy who, whether or not they opened their brain and found something, we just go, that guy planned these things.
He's a crazy person.
When really, Ted Bundy didn't want to be born with the, he didn't choose the brain that made him a serial killer.
And you go, well, if I were Ted Bundy, I wouldn't have done that.
Yes, you would have.
Because everyone does exactly what they're going to do.
And there's no, it gives you immense empathy.
And I'm not saying I forgive child molesters or murderers or someone who could like hurt my family.
I would be furious because that's just human nature.
But I understand that when I think of child molesters, I kind of, I'm so angry at what they do and disgusted by it.
But there's a part of me that's like, no one would choose to be born with a broken body.
Oh, yeah.
There's a lot of sympathy.
They need to like get help and do what they need to get help.
But there's a lot of that I go, they didn't choose that.
And people have a hard time.
That's a really weird concept.
But if you break it down, everything is something that's weird in your brain.
So whether it's a tumor or just your brain's weird and we can't really see what's weird, it's still not your fault.
It's your brain.
Well, I think some of that will be interesting as we learn, you know, just as we evolve more and learn more and we start to see like, you know, empathy is such a big thing, you know, and just how much.
Are you good with it?
I think I'm pretty good with it, honestly, a lot of times because I've always felt that way, the way you're talking about.
Like even my friends that have gotten trouble for sex stuff, like our friends that have gotten trouble, like I usually always think like, well, what happened to them?
You know, like, how did it start?
Yeah, that's great.
But, I mean, it still doesn't take away also, though.
Also, though, you live in an environment and a society, and society is shaped where people have to have punishments sometimes and things that happen.
And sometimes some people need to go back into the broth, man.
I get it.
And I understand that we want to punish people and say, like, you hurt my friend.
I'm going to hurt you, eye for an eye.
But really, the reason we put these people away is because they harm society.
And it's not an example to people to not do that.
But it's not so much retribution because we should just be like, wow, that sucks that he's a serial killer and his brain is like that.
And we put them away, but we put them away as an example of not what to do, to not do what they do for people to do.
And we want them out there.
I got you.
And we want to protect people.
Yeah.
You don't.
No, I'm going to, I'm going to.
You're going to eat lunch here.
Okay.
Just real fast.
But I'm just going to have some lunch.
I love that.
Yeah.
I'll go listen.
Let's do it live.
You don't like them?
You can't eat them, huh?
It's not that I can, I won't.
Okay.
Oh, these are for me, too?
Oh, yeah.
No.
Thank you.
I'm not trying to be.
People hate vegans, but yeah.
No way.
Yeah.
So can you give, if you do a BJ, can you do a finisher?
Yeah, it's not harming an animal.
I mean, if you're doing it.
Now that is to be.
Listen, a couple of my early ones, my first one, might have harmed a fellow human because I didn't know what to do with my teeth.
But no, calm is like, that's fine.
You can't do it.
Seed.
Most people call it seed.
Most people call calm seed?
Or semen.
I don't go give me your seed.
I want your seed.
But I feel like calm is the one.
Really?
Yeah, I call it calm.
When you're in bed with a girl and you say, I'm going to, can you take my, can you ingest my seed?
What do you say?
Or I'm going to seed?
I'm going to plant.
I'm going to harvest.
Maybe.
Sorry.
Yeah, I say calm.
No, I'll keep it going.
So, yeah, I don't eat animals because I love animals.
Now, what if you met an animal and he's violent and he's killing other animals, stuff like that?
Oh, yeah, fucking kill him.
But he's a Jeffrey Dahmer of animals.
Still, we have to kill him because he's killing other animals.
His sacrifice will be less than how much harm he could put in the world.
See, that's one of the things overall.
Sometimes you have to do things just for the greater good of that.
Yeah, that's what putting people in jail is for.
Well, do you believe in the death penalty then?
No.
I mean, by this logic, no, because, but I believe in it because if I got that life sentence, I would really want to be put to death.
Oh, please.
I believe in it just like I'm advocating for the prisoners to have that option.
Like, just, I don't even care if your chair's not working.
Let's just do a shoot me.
Like, I would rather, like, when the world ends and the wave comes, I just want to have a, I want to have a gun just so I can, like, kill myself before some natural disaster.
That would be a better way to go than hopefully.
I think some prisoners will wise up and they will get the option to have the death penalty.
Yeah.
And some of them would choose.
People are so scared of death.
It would be better to go back into the amoeba or the sphere and have a new shot at a retribution of existence.
And it would be here and piddle around.
Like writing letters to the girl you murdered.
Like movies?
Yeah.
And just be some...
Oh, I watch those YouTube videos of them interviewing sociopaths.
I love sociopaths and psychopaths.
I just.
What's a murder you could do?
And be honest with me.
Okay.
Bill Cosby.
You could do rape?
I could probably strangle him.
Oh, you could kill him, you mean?
Yeah.
What's a murder you could commit?
Oh, like what's a good thing?
Maybe I shouldn't have said that then.
But I would love to just see his eyes pop out even more as I slowly choke the life out of him for being probably a murderer and the most prolific serial rapist that any of us have ever known.
A murder I could do, a gun.
You know, like if there was a burglar or something, like I could stab someone.
I could do anything in self-defense.
I wouldn't like, my dad always says if a guy, you're in a car with a guy and you he's taking you in an undisclosed location, you're going to get murdered, right?
If a guy grabs you and shoves you in a car and you're screaming, don't, don't try to like hang out for the car ride.
Wherever you're going, you're going to get murdered.
You got to jump out.
So just try to wreck the car, even if you're on a highway.
But the best thing to do, if you can, is like gouge their eyes.
And that would be hard for me to do just to feel that.
But actually, it would feel great to someone like that is about to rape and murder you to just go and like dig as far as you can.
You have to do it.
And then the car will flip, but you have a better chance of surviving that than he's not going to take you to go do a podcast.
You know, like you're, you're going to, it's going to be bad.
See, that's one thing I think that's tough for a lot of women is you have that chance out there of getting sexually assaulted.
You have the chance to get, like, if somebody picks me up, they just are going to want to either spend time with me or give me a ride.
That's what I was thinking about the run, but hold on, Theo.
This brings us to one of the, one of the moments I'll never forget about you that I had on the street in front of the improv on Melrose.
Do you remember?
You were coming back from your car.
I was leaving the Melrose improv.
It was probably like 2017.
And I was on a jog?
No, you were, you were coming back.
You went to, like, you were maybe coming.
Wait, hold on.
I was walking that way.
You were, yeah.
You were coming back to the improv from your car and maybe going to get something.
Or maybe you were coming for the first time.
I go, hi, Theo.
And I see you and I pass you on the sidewalk.
We're kind of further down west from Melrose.
You'll remember it.
Because you go, I go, hey.
And it's kind of in like a couple blocks more where the Comics Park.
It's C, it's scary.
It's cummy.
It's seedy, you know?
And so I do remember this.
And I was walking.
It was in a part that's a little scary.
And I go, hey.
And then you bet, you pass and you go, don't get raped.
And I go, thanks.
I was just like, fuck you, because I was annoyed because it's like, if you think, if that is sincere of like, hey, be careful, just walk me to my car.
You know where I'm going.
And then also, like, it's up to me whether or not I get raped is the other kind of, it's a funny thing to say because it's like, that's a big reach.
You know what I'm saying?
But, but just being like, don't get, it's just saying something flippant about a thing that I actually fear every time I leave there.
Right.
But you didn't know that.
And so it was me going like, I go, thanks.
And I'm in my car just like, oh, God, that was not a fun interaction.
I didn't care.
I really did get to a place of like, he doesn't know.
He doesn't know the experience of being a woman and like didn't think about it.
It was just, we were like, you were like, we were awkward almost.
You were just like, hi, and just like said something.
We all do that.
So I forgive you.
But then you texted me right after it and were like, hey, I'm really sorry.
That felt so weird and that wasn't cool to say.
And I should have walked you.
You like said all the nice things in a text like right after.
And that always meant a lot to me.
But, and I could tell that you were like, but yeah, just walk me to my car next time.
Yeah.
Do you walk girls to cars?
Yeah, I'll walk girls to cars.
I'll make sure they get in the vehicles, get girls Ubers.
You know?
Yeah, I think I do all that kind of stuff.
I don't know why I said it.
Maybe I thought that it was just a good, maybe this the environment was right for the joke.
No, it is because also I'm a comic and that's a funny joke.
Well, that's a tough thing too.
When you're talking with comics, it's like, and it's like, that's the thing that sucks about the world.
It sucks that you couldn't make a race joke a few minutes ago without everybody thinking you're a fucking racist.
Yeah, it's like you just have to.
And you kind of can.
It's like you don't have to be.
But I might catch someone in a vulnerable state.
Like you caught me in a vulnerable state where I was already thinking about being raped and I might say a race joke and it catches someone who's watching who's black and was discriminated against today all day today.
They didn't get something because they are black.
And it's just, they know it.
And then they hear me say a racial joke and it just makes them go like, God, another fucking thing.
Like, it can catch someone in the wrong time.
I agree, but then we've gotten to this space in the world where you toe around that, but I also, I want a career.
Right.
And I want to be able to say things because we have to do things that's for the common good.
Like, it's gotten to this point where it's like you're never going to make everybody on Twitter happy.
Everybody has a voice now.
It's impossible to make everyone happy.
And so you have to be able to take some risks in every facet of life.
You know?
Because don't you know that like you have to do things for the common good?
It's like 99.5% of people would just laugh at the joke.
Yes.
And then there's that.
And then there's that one person that's had a tough day.
Yes, they've had a tough day.
But we're also starting to raise people to think that just because they've had a lot of pain that I'm having.
But do you like this or no?
No, I don't.
You can't have it.
I can't have any of it, and I don't really love birds.
And so eating chickens to me seems crazy.
But if a man eats it, was that deter you from being around?
I really like a guy to maybe wrap his head around understanding.
Because I don't not eat chicken because it's not good.
That's fucking delicious.
Everything you're eating is something that I enjoyed for years of my life, and I do miss.
But I don't do things that sometimes I want to do because it's right.
Like I don't murder people that I want to murder.
I don't hit my friends.
I don't hit my mom sometimes when I want to hit her because it's not good for the greater, for the world.
And eating chickens and chicken.
Well, you have to be able to eat something at a certain point.
What's next?
And you can't have plant.
Like, you're not going to.
A salad has to be.
This thing is so stupid.
The what's next.
I understand it, but like when people go, plants have feelings.
Okay, when that's proven, when plants are like, I can see the humanity in a plant's eyes and I can see, I can see a pig and I see my dog and a pig.
It's not a hard thing to do.
I understand people can separate fish and squids, even though my octopus teacher should ruin that for everyone.
They can kind of go, okay, those things are like insects.
They're lobsters.
They're like roaches.
But when you eat a pig and a chicken, if you've ever had, I had a parakeet as a child, as a child.
They were the best.
That are beautiful.
They were the best pets I've ever had.
I loved that bird more than I've loved dogs, and I love dogs, but I had more of a connection.
That bird had more of a personality, was smarter than my dogs.
I'm more in kiwi.
And then one day I was like, chickens are fucking Kiwi.
Like Kiwi, that parakeet and chickens.
Chickens might be even smarter than me.
I don't know.
It doesn't matter if something's dumb, though, because something's dumb doesn't mean it means it should be killed.
We don't do that to humans.
But Mother Nature kills us sometimes.
Sure.
And uses us to go back into the earth.
Go hunt all you want.
Just don't make animals suffer up until you kill them.
I don't care.
When an animal dies, I'm like, fuck yeah.
It's not the killing.
Put them out of their goddamn misery, much like the jail thing.
The death penalty is great in a cow's life because the cow's existence up until the death penalty is what I'm bothered by.
Right.
And you can't guarantee that these animals are treated well.
So many are up until they're slaughtered, but because you can't guarantee, I just, you know, sometimes I look at eggs and I go, I'll buy the most expensive ones because these are probably the ones that are treated right.
But it's just a picture of a woman like holding a chicken and you're like, oh, that woman picked these eggs.
Okay, I'm going to, it's like, no, that's the label.
Right.
I don't know unless my sister had chickens and I definitely ate those chickens.
And look, the thing about it is, man, I think if you, I wish we knew, here's what I wish.
I wish we could get inside the brain of a chicken and know if they mind or not.
They definitely mind.
They definitely, any, of course they're not.
I'm not saying they don't.
I'm just saying I wish we had, and I think down the line, we will have that ability.
Yeah, and we're all going to look so stupid.
And I'm not saying that I'm perfect and that everyone needs to go vegan, but to, my mom won't watch the octopus teacher, this thing that humanizes octopuses and like not humanizes, but like makes them like you realize like they have emotions and this person, like it really fucks you up, apparently, if you watch this.
And my mom loves Calamari so much that she won't watch it.
And she goes, I feel like if I watch that, I won't eat it anymore.
And I'm like, then why?
So you're living ignorantly so that you can protect yourself because you like fucking.
But then it's always going to be like that.
But then it's just going to become whoever has owns the media is just going to be able to influence.
And then they create the products that they want us to buy then.
Okay, but like at least those products, hopefully, vegans are not doing anything wrong except wanting animals to be happy.
But people do have a lot.
I mean, people are skipping this point.
Oh, really?
People hate vegans.
I used to hate vegans.
I used to have like a bit about it in my act.
And I dated a vegan and I would call her.
Oh, I don't care if somebody's a vegan.
But don't make me have to be a vegan if you're a vegan.
No, I'm not making you.
I'm just kind of trying to say the same things that when I wasn't a vegan kind of made me see the other side and actually embrace it and really love it.
And I'm just sharing with you my experience of realizing that animals want to live just like we do.
And pigs are terrified from the second they're born.
Cows and pigs, most of them, I know not all, get plucked from the mom.
They're scared the whole time.
They're shaking.
Then they're forced.
They never have a single moment of, no, it's not, because Charlotte's Webb is, that's a good experience.
At least that pig knew some like warmth.
These animals never know warmth, a pet, never any, not one minute of it.
From the time they're plucked from their mom until they're put, loaded on trucks.
They're, they're stuck in pens.
They're just, they're just made to get fat.
There's no one that's caring about their needs.
So this animal that is capable of deep, deep feelings like your dog never sees in its however long it lives life, it never sees a shroud of kindness to it.
And then it's slaughtered.
How can you do that?
Well, shit, I'm not doing it.
I'm not doing that.
I'm having some raisin canes.
I'm enjoying it.
I mean, you can take this out because eat what you want.
I really, I don't care.
I'm just saying what I learned that that's why I can't eat meat anymore.
And I fucking hate it because I miss fucking feta cheese.
I miss frozen meat.
So is part of it that you just miss those things and you want to have them and so you're angry at other people?
I mean, that's the classic hack fucking vegan joke.
They're angry because they're weak because of protein.
I didn't say that.
I'm angry because I just don't understand why people who love dogs and I know like, you know, dedicate their lives to saving dogs can eat pigs.
I just don't get it.
Can eat pigs that they know have never seen.
If one minute of what that pig that you're eating is life or that chicken that you're eating's life happened to your, like, I don't know if you have a, you don't have a dog.
You've never had a dog.
I don't have a dog.
I've considered getting a dog.
I'm thinking about maybe getting a Welsh terrier or something.
Can you bring that up, Nick?
Yeah.
So if for people listening at home, if a minute of the pain that a chicken that you're eating or a pig that you're eating's life, and I know it's not your fault, you didn't put them in that situation.
You're just trying to eat food.
I get it.
Look at that.
But if you're, if you're a little Welsh terrier that you get someday that you're going to love more than you've ever even thought possible loving a dog, because that's what happens, if you had, if someone inflicted that kind of life for 30 seconds onto a dog that a chicken and a pig experienced their entire life for 30 seconds, you would want to fucking murder.
You would have that person charged with cruelty.
They kept them in a box for that dog that it wasn't able to run.
Its legs were scabbed up.
It had sores in its eyes.
Like the things that happen to these animals, if we had a little bit of it for our precious pets, we would never tolerate it.
Yet when we see, when we can't see the footage and we don't want to see it, so I just, I didn't do it.
And it's that kind of thing.
And by the way, I definitely contribute to horrific injustices to humanity.
Yeah, there's tons.
It will never end.
At the certain point, we can't.
I just chose one and that's my one.
Cool.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think.
But yeah, I still buy from Amazon.
So I just want to be clear.
Yeah.
I mean, like, I'm still part of the problem.
I mean, it's crazy because like there's also countries where they eat dog and they eat like things that are major problems.
I kind of like that they do.
I like that they go, you know what?
We cow.
We're going to fucking eat dog.
I wish we would start eating dog because it would make people wake up to the fact that, why isn't this okay?
I would have some dog.
You should.
You know what?
I honestly, I don't want that to happen, but I do think that people need to wake the fuck up and realize that when we go to China to like say don't have this Yulin dog meat festival, how could they eat dogs?
But I think there used to be.
When you're eating a cow, you would never fucking ever eat a hamburger.
But Nikki, I think there used to be times where there was like a connection between animals and humans in nature.
And so if they took something's life because they needed to survive, then that's what they did.
And a cow lived in a natural environment.
Or if it was farmed, it was treated nice and had a good life.
I've always said we should hunt.
I more value it when someone hunts with a knife.
When people go, what about when Rogan hunts his elk?
I'm like, do it.
Those elk lived a good life.
They just like caught a fucking stray bullet.
Like things happen, but at least they fucking fucked a lot and ate a lot and jumped over creeks and like had some adventures in their life that animals are supposed to.
So maybe you want more.
You want animals to have an adventure.
We have an outward bound experience.
We should take these animals and give them a week in the wild.
Yeah.
No, I love that.
You want YMCA camp for these animals before, and that's what a lot of, like, one more thing.
There's a thing in the vegan community that I would never do called Bearing Witness.
And PETA does it a lot where they meet up with these slaughter trucks as they're coming in.
The pigs are coming to slaughterhouse.
They're packed into these things.
And you can just see their snouts through these little cages.
And they're dying of thirst.
They're just, they're basically dead because if they were dead, who cares?
So when pigs are, when you, if I finished this soda and I was just talking to you, I would just start crinkling the can because I know it's trash.
It's going in the trash.
I'm not saving this.
I'm not trying to make this.
Right, right.
You're not going to, yeah, you're not going to give them the best last meal.
It's not like a prison system.
A pig.
So it's, that's headed to slaughter.
I'm going to, you just treat it like shit.
So these pigs are in the worst conditions headed to slaughter.
And these people go and just, it's called bearing witness because just to see, just to honor a pig's life.
They go like, I see you and I knew you were an animal that deserved more and I'm really sorry.
And just to be there and like they hold, they hold a vigil because it's sad and they feed water to these thirsty pigs through the thing.
And that to me is like, I could never do that.
I can't even look at footage.
I just read stuff and know because it, but that's the kind of thing that I hear and I just go, that's pretty much an outrebound experience of like, I'm going to show you a pet, the one gentleness you'll get your whole life because you've been kicked and prodded and living in shit and eating bad stuff that doesn't even taste good.
That's just going to make you fat.
I mean, it's just so sad.
I mean, I think some of it is not people's fault, though.
Some of it is just the way that society has evolved.
And also, if you have to feed a family, like there's no opportunities for a lot of people to go do all types of certain things.
That's why I'm saying you don't have to go all vegan.
If you can do one meal where you eat sometimes you don't have a choice like that is a specific parent that's trying to take care of their kids.
But there are plant-based options at Burger King now.
Like there's ways around it that taste good.
I'm serious.
I know that vegan stuff is expensive and I can say that it's elitist of me to be able to like, just go switch to plant-based, get meals delivered to your doorstep.
But there's really affordable options now and that's really old rhetoric of being like, it's too expensive.
There's ways.
No, but I'm just saying some people's lifestyles, it's not an option in their lifestyle.
I'm not telling, if that resonated with anyone, you want to do it, then you can do it.
All I do is I have to spread the message because it's shit like this that got me to adopt it.
And so I know I might sound like a Jehovah's Witness right now and I'm like, I have to spread the Lord's message.
That's what I feel in my heart for animals is my job.
And like I said, I am letting severe injustices of human injustices happen and I don't speak up for it because this is just my cause I pick and I'm drawn to it.
And it works.
I've made a lot of people go vegan and the only reason I went vegan is because vegans wouldn't shut the fuck up.
And so I know it works.
They were annoying as shit.
And they finally got to me.
So I have to be annoying as shit.
There's no other way to do it.
Well, some of those things got to be said.
You have a new tour that's coming, right?
Yeah, man.
One night only.
No.
Yeah, one night with Nikki Glazer.
One night with Nikki Glazer.
It's like, cause it's all about sex.
No, it's going to be amazing.
I'm so excited because, dude, my theater tour last time got stopped in the middle.
You were doing theaters for a while, right?
Yeah, I had just finished my tour when COVID started.
Your first one?
Yeah.
Like your first theater tour?
Yeah.
Was it great?
Yeah, it was cool.
It was hard.
I had been already doing clubs in a row for like a year and a half.
I was just exhausted.
By the end, I was exhausted.
That was what I felt on mine last year.
It was just doing clubs up until the first theater tour date.
And then all of a sudden, it's the theater and people are paying more money.
The pressure's on.
And I did cool stuff.
Like I finished with a dance.
Andrew, Colin, my co-host on Nikki Glazer Podcast, and my best friend and roommate.
And then my other best friend, Anya Marina, like she opened with music.
Like I had a band open and I brought my friends on the road.
It was so fun.
And then COVID happened.
It all shut down.
Right.
And then we started up again.
And I've, in COVID, I've learned how to play guitar.
I might, like, I'm going to sing a song with my friend Anya.
And like, I might do like private concerts before my shows, like at cafes in town where I just do Taylor Swift like sing-alongs.
And I'm not even joking you.
Like it's, I'm bad at guitar, but I like singing Taylor Swift with other Swifties fans.
So I might start doing that.
But like the, the show itself, and my dad and I sang over the summer.
Oh, yeah, we did a version of Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper's that's, you know, shallow, but we rewrote it about me living at home with my parents, and it was really fucking funny.
It was all about, you know, I've got to leave, I've got to go and like hearing my parents fuck through the wall.
But it was like, and it sounds like a dumb, it was really good.
And I went to voice lessons and like learned how to sing like Gaga.
And it was fucking, singing is fucking funny.
My dad's an amazing musician.
Are you a good singer or not?
I can be, but I quit singing lessons.
And I smoke a lot of pot now, but apparently my singing teacher is like, do whatever.
I'll work with it.
Like rock and roll artists smoke, so they smoke cigarettes all the time.
Like you smoke pot.
Oh, yeah.
I think everybody has some people.
It's a lot of advice that they take out with them.
Yeah.
And so I love singing.
But the stand-up show is not going to be singing.
It's going to be me like roasting, like doing roast stuff, talking about roast because people love that and they expect that from me now.
Is it a mixed bag though?
There could be singing.
There could be special guests.
There could be whatever.
There's going to be like, I really am excited about like the whole thing.
Like it's just, it's never going to be boring.
You're never going to be watching something and going like, oh my God, I don't want to watch Nikki's friend like play music.
It's going to be like, this is fucking really fucking good.
Like my friend Anya Marina is like a legit, I have friends that are talented that want to work and I can make them money this way.
It's so nice.
And then I get to bring my dad who's fucking 66. He's been playing in bars and at nursing homes during COVID, like outside their windows.
And what his name is Jim?
His name's E.J. Glazer.
And he's such a good musician.
He's always wanted me to sing and play guitar.
And when I moved back home over quarantine, this thing that my dad always wanted me to do and I was like, I'm not good at it.
I'm not as good as you dad.
And I'd like to.
Like Billy Elliott, yeah.
Like, what does a J stand for?
Ernest James?
Edward John.
Edward John.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's very cool.
And anyway, so we, so I'm going to sing with him and then I might, and then I'm going to have special guests.
Like, I just, I'm going to fly my friends out.
That's my new life.
It's just like.
Dude, I love it.
I love the fact you're able to kind of like get into St. Louis.
Yeah.
And I know you have the MTV on your team.
I was just saying that because I'm hosting them this week.
I'm like out here.
And instead of getting a hotel and just being like, I usually come out and do my stuff and then hang with my LA friends.
I was like, in case my LA friends are busy or like whatever, I'm just going to bring my friends with me.
And so I got a house in the hills on Airbnb.
And like, I brought all my friends, like who I brought here today.
It's like, so these things that I used to go like, I'm hosting this award show.
And it's like, it's me and my spray tan and like, I'm alone.
And like, I don't even know what thing I'm going to say.
And I'm like freaking out.
It's like, I constantly have friends around that are like, you're fine.
Like, let's play guitar for a second.
Oh, my God.
Let's like talk about this funny thing.
I saw like, it's just, it's so great to be in this position and to like be able to just like today, just doing work that like you like.
And getting comfortable, I think getting to a place in your life where you're comfortable to exist as you choose.
That's one thing I think I hear a lot from you, even just in this conversation, is just getting to a place in your life where you feel comfortable existing.
Like I usually, like before we started, I was like, oh, I want to check the shot to make sure.
Like, should I wear this shirt?
Am I looking like I'm like trying to be sexy?
Because I'm always scared that someone's going to go, she's trying to look hot.
When really like, of course I am.
I'm fucking single.
This is like a platform to like get people's attention.
Why wouldn't I look hot?
Like it's like married.
And even when I'm married.
So, but the thing is, I um, if I don't, if I see this later and I go, because there's a lot of times I see stuff of me and any girl and lots of guys watching would relate where you just go like, I am disgusting.
Like I have really low self-esteem when it comes to my looks.
Like it started really early and it's just there.
But now over this past year, I'm just like, I don't know what happened, dude.
Like, I just don't care.
I, like, when I see myself looking really fucking ugly and like dry skin and I look like old, like I'm like, I look like sometimes I see my face and I'm like, bitch, you're old.
And I am.
I'm 36. Like sometimes I'm like, you're, you look like 42. That's okay.
I just had a fucking dry day.
Yeah.
I need to moisturize more.
Like, and I am going to, who cares?
And the, and the way that I, like, I feel like anyone who likes me is still going to like me if I look like shit.
The people I love, when they start looking like shit, I, I'm on board.
It's okay.
You didn't let me down.
Jeffrey, you're allowed to look like shit someday if you want to, even though you won't.
Yeah.
But I love her so much, I would, I don't care.
And so now I like myself.
And now when I look like gross, I just go like, oh boy, you look at a little husky today.
And those pants were a mistake.
It's like, you just like laugh.
I laugh at like, I used to be really embarrassed at how messy I was.
Like my car, I don't want to people, I have to like clean my car if a boy is going to get in.
Now I'm just like, if this guy is someone I'm going to marry, look at, look at my trash.
This is not a bad person.
I'm a sample bottle.
Because I have LaCroix cans in the passenger seat.
Maybe that's not really.
It's so funny.
Yeah, I could relate to a lot of that.
I don't care anymore.
How the reflection is your environment looks like.
I don't want to present any way I'm not.
Because if you get to be authentic across the board and really are like, I am who I am and that's okay, then you don't have to ever think.
I literally don't have to, because the thing, I realize this about comedy and you tap into it big time because this is the thing I notice about you is you just talk and it's funny.
Like I know you're aware of what you say is funny, but you talk in a way that you almost act like you don't know.
But I also think that you can't, you're in a position now that you know that your fans get you and you know that you're funny, that you can show up and you don't really have to prepare.
You can just start talking and it's going to be good enough.
Like maybe prepare a little bit, but I could get on stage and talk about fucking anything and be entertaining at this point because I've done it that long.
And within that is like this freedom to be, people are at ease.
Audiences want to watch you comfortable.
If I'm comfortable and not worry about what you think, they lap it up.
And we feel good then too.
I notice if I'm having fun, man, if I'm in a good place, then yeah, the show's using it.
And being honest, if I'm not in a good place, I'll just be like, man, I am fucking depressed today.
Or if I'm too, sometimes I go on stage, I'm too high.
My new thing is I'm just going to be like, guys, I'm really high because the audience just wants in.
They want in on what's going.
They sent something weird.
What is it?
Oh, she's high.
Yeah, the wheat.
I took one.
I thought I wanted one hit.
I took two.
I got greedy.
Now we're in a weird place.
Now I've broken this weirdness that I, in my head, go, Nick, you shouldn't have smoked wheat before this set.
You're such a bad comedian.
Now, what's your next joke?
What's the next joke?
You shouldn't have told us.
And now I just go, I'm high, everyone.
And now it's like, okay, no more secrets.
I'm like, let's just be honest.
Yeah.
And I think that's what comedy is, just being honest.
Let's be honest.
And so, as long as you just talk honestly, it's going to be funny and good, and people are going to like it.
Yeah, I think that's one thing I'm trying to tap into a little bit more getting into some of this next tour.
One of the things I want to work on more in the coming months.
I can't wait to see your, we never get to watch anymore, but it's like, I really dig your stuff, and I'm a true fan.
And I met you not knowing what your comedy was like at all.
And you have told me this before, but for the past many, many years, you've been one of my faves and someone that I'm just like, I always watch your shit.
Thank you.
You've always said some really nice stuff to me, and I appreciate that.
Every time I see you, I'm just like...
When I see you.
What the fuck am I doing up there?
I need to just start telling the truth or the wackiest way to say it.
Or just like saying, when you say limousine of rats, right?
Okay.
How did that occur to you?
I want to know how that joke popped in your brain because I'm not kidding you.
That was the funniest thing I've heard in a while.
I don't know.
I think just something long.
And then we're talking about an animal.
You just pulled long and then that ferret.
And so then I just thought of those things.
And that's so simple.
It's like the first thing that entered in your mind.
Like, sometimes I overthink things, but sometimes I just got to go.
It's a long rat.
What's long?
Boom.
Easy.
Limousine.
Limousine.
And I don't make them anymore, so they're so messed up.
And look at that.
You got to go.
Yeah, it's like a water slide of rats.
Yes, there you go.
It's a, I mean, this joke could go, that's a, you know, one of, it looks, honestly, it looks like one of the penises in the porn that I watch quite often.
Oh, damn.
Okay.
I watched some big.
My porn consumption is just another podcast out there.
Yeah.
I mean, I feel really bad for guys out there based on porn.
I really do because even you're right.
You do, but our vaginas are different in comparison too.
So we're also feeling the same kind of insecurity.
And I just want to let guys out there with small dicks know, like, literally, I don't, you can just use a dildo to fuck me.
And then just like.
Yeah, as long as you're cheering me on, as long as you're there supporting, as long as you're not on your phone, the whole thing.
The best sex I've had is with a guy with a penis using a dildo.
Amen.
All right.
So just saying that.
Look, I think that covers everything.
One night with Nikki Glazer, right?
Yes.
One night.
Well, some places are two nights and so old.
But it's nikkiglazer.com slash tour for tickets.
They're on sale now and they're pretty happy.
People are turning out, but people really like my podcast.
Yeah.
Like I never promote podcasts because I'm always like, what am I doing?
But I love the way you're doing it at home now.
You're in your home.
Every day you like find out about, I can't help but like share gossip about my life.
You catch up on like stories going on.
It's very interactive with fans.
It's, it's, it was inspired by watching people like you and how you do it and just are yourself.
So if you like this show and you liked my appearance and you've made it to the end, definitely subscribe to the Nikki Laser podcast.
And then unsubscribe if you don't like it.
I don't care.
Yeah.
But just subscribe.
Yeah, give it a shot.
Why go?
You can jump in.
You don't have to listen to old episodes.
Just jump on in anytime.
Yeah, you don't have to start from the beginning.
No.
With Andrew Conlon and Colin.
Yep.
Nikki, thank you so much for being here today.
Thank you, Theo.
Always fun.
Yeah, and thank you, Raising Canes, for my launch.
Yes, thank you.
Next time, maybe they'll have a vegan option in the future.
I think they should.
If they did, I would be so cool with them.
They have that.
Yeah.
I don't know.
We got the, actually, the guy who started Raising Canes is from Louisiana.
He's coming on the podcast next week.
No, I know that that's like everyone's favorite fried chicken.
And so, yeah, that's pretty cool that you're having that guy.
Good on him.
It'd be interesting just to hear how it all happened.
You know?
I mean, for some of us.
I'll probably skip it.
I'm just kidding.
I support people in the...
That was the best inning ever.
Nikki Glazer, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming in.
Now I'm just folding on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind.
I found I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time for me to sleep.
