Theo discusses his view on Assimilation Theory, tells stories about The Comedy Store's late, great pianist, Jeff Scott and talks about Theo and Tammy's Belated Christmas Talent Extravaganza, the live, virtual comedy event happening tomorrow, January 15th at 8pm CT! Tickets available through the link above. Get your tickets now!
Get your ticket NOW for Theo and Tammy’s Belated Christmas Talent Extravaganza on January 15th:
https://bit.ly/christmasextravaganzatickets
New Merch
https://theovonstore.com
https://bit.ly/theo-von
This episode is brought to you by:
Athletic Greens: https://athleticgreens.com/theo
Mint Mobile: https://mintmobile.com/theo
Manscaped: https://manscaped.com/theo
The Comedy Store's Jeff Scott - Final Interview: https://bit.ly/3nM8IAX
Music:
“Shine” - Bishop Gunn
http://bit.ly/Shine_BishopGunn
"Celebrate" - Spencer Jacob
https://bit.ly/3oLMyA4
Hit the Hotline
985-664-9503
Video Hotline for Theo
Upload here: http://bit.ly/TPW_VideoHotline
Find Theo:
Website: https://theovon.com
Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon
Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon
Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend
Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon
YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon
Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw
Producer: Nick Davis
https://instagram.com/realnickdavis
Producer: Sean Dugan
https://www.instagram.com/SeanDugan/
Sidepiece: Riley Mau
https://www.instagram.com/riguythecameraguy/
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
You know I remember when I was young they had a fella in my neighborhood, this little boy named Lil Allen.
And god damn he was small brother.
He couldn't even put a large grape in his mouth.
I mean he had yet to shove it in.
And he was on every prayer list.
My God, he was just a young fellow just monopolized prayer lists around every day, every prayer list.
Alan, Alan, Alan.
Alan again, Alan, times two.
Just man, so many prayers went up for Small Allen, man.
And, you know, I'm thinking about him.
I know that actually today is his birthday.
And that is January 14 in the year 2021.
That's where we are.
And I don't know if you're Bill or Ted, but we're in the future.
I don't know if you're Tamra.
I don't know.
Hell, I don't know who you are because I don't know you.
I do not know you.
But it's a wild one out there, man.
They need to start making underpants thicker because shit is getting real.
Let's get into it.
Come on.
You thinking, oh, there's no way he's going to play it again, huh?
Well, I'm just sitting on your front porch, wondering how could I be so far from I?
Oh, come on.
Tell him, Travis.
And my mind is somewhere else.
But when I find it, I'll catch up with Risk.
Come on, baby.
I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone Oh, but when I reach that crowd I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it in my bones Come on But it's gonna take a little time For me to set that parking brake And let
myself unwind Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a way
song we'll sing it just for you And that, you know, that's Bishop Gun Shine.
And you want to put somebody in your parallelist, put that band on it right there.
You know, they got so close to Real Stardom.
They really got close to it.
And it really, and it fell apart.
You know, it's hard to, you know, they really had it for a moment.
I mean, they had it, them boys.
They were opening up for the Rolling Stones there.
And that's not a geometric deal.
That is a famous musical act or, you know, group talent quadrant.
And they were opening up for them in damn Dallas.
One of the probably 15, 20 biggest cities.
opening up for the roastos, baby.
They're rolling around.
And they let it all fall through their fingers, man.
But for a moment, for a moment, they had it.
You know, it's interesting to think sometimes how small a moment is.
You know, there's moments in my life where I want to, you know, I just want to hold on to it.
I want to, you know, I want to catch for the moment.
I want to.
It could be a birthday party.
And you blowing out a candle when you seeing that flame go out and you catch the eye of a real fine match.
And you want that moment to last.
You want to know, hey, baby, I'm fucking cutting the flame off these fucking, off these confectioners right here.
Off these sugar fucking squadrons, baby.
You know, I got us.
You want to look her in the eyes and say, look, there's more sweet where this came from.
You know, and you want to hold that moment.
And I remember when I was young, when I was a child, they had a little area by us.
It was a little preschool.
And my mom said, point blank, you want to go to preschool?
And I said, do I have to go?
She said, no.
And I said, well, let me up in that bitch.
Let me see what they're doing in that bitch down.
Let me see what they're doing in that bitch down, mom.
And I went in and they wasn't doing much.
They let anybody in preschool.
Now, college is different.
You got to test to get into it.
But for preschool, you just got to have some MF or drop you off before 7 a.m.
That was the only, you know, that was the ACT.
That was it.
Could you get out of a station wagon before 7 a.m.
Then you qualify.
And we'd get in there, we'd sit on the carpet.
They had a square carpet, and it had all the numbers and letters on it.
Or at least most of them.
I didn't know all of them.
I probably knew to about L. And they had definitely one through zero on it going up to nine and then zero.
And people would sit there and they had one television, they played different cartoons on it.
They played Gummy Bears on it.
And now it's a damn sugar treat.
When I was young, Gummy Bears was a damn, hell, it was a fucking, it was a program.
These were, you know, these were, as a child, you thought maybe you might meet them one day in the woods.
And now it's a damn, you know, it's something they sell, you know, it looks like a damn bait.
They sell it, you know, they sell it at the checkout, but, you know, it's a basic snack.
It's barely a damn sugar snack.
Shit looks Japanese, really.
But we enjoyed that, man, gummy bear.
But we would sit there and some kids would piss themselves.
Some kids didn't even know how to work their bladder.
The parents would bring them there and they'd just piss out.
Unbelievable.
And I remember outside in the schoolyard there, they had a little, somebody had cut down a tree.
They had about three feet of it left up out of the ground.
And I remember one kid ran and jumped over it.
This little fellow named Mikey.
And they called him Roger, but his name was Mikey.
But they called him Roger.
But he ran and jumped over it.
And I thought, well, I can do that.
I could run and jump over that.
But I didn't really have the same gymnetics.
I didn't have the same gymnetics as Mikey Roger, baby.
And I, you know, my father was in his 70s.
My mother delivered cookies at the time.
And, you know, that's not the real makeup of a damn preschool Gail Sayers.
So I ran, I jumped, and at the time I barely had a real, I mean, I barely had an Earl Gray of a nutsack.
And it caught on to the damn, you know, whatever tree that was.
And somebody had undeniably cut the tree down for Christmas.
It was, this was right after Christmas.
And somebody cut that bitch down and got it home and realized it was like a damn hickory or a baby maple and said F it and just put it in the yard.
But damn, boy, if I didn't snag the Lord's eyelid, baby, my nutsack on that thing.
And that hurt, man.
But yeah.
You know, that's preschool and it's hit or miss, baby.
It's hit or miss.
What's going on with you guys?
Oh, I got to tell you, we have the, and I'm excited.
Thank you guys for being here today.
Fresh off that Dustin Poirier episode.
I think I realized I've turned into too much of a Dustin fan to maybe talk with him sometimes.
I'm just such a, you know, I'm just a fan so much of who he is as a person and as a friend.
He's been a good friend to me.
And, you know, we've developed a friendship over the years, some.
And I'm not going to say we're best friends or nothing like that, dude, because, you know, I'm an adult and we don't really have best friends at this age.
But he, you know, obviously I'm a fan, undeniably.
And I'm just excited for him.
And it was just, I was just so excited to have him on.
And just like, you know, I was just grateful that he gave me that time.
This guy's about to, this man's in Abu Dhabi.
You man?
This man's in the desert, baby.
He's out there about the sand wrestle in that sand.
Castle.
He's about to castle roll.
You feel me?
And I just, you know, he's got to get counter to the ground, I think.
But well, you know, and I want to sit there and say, but I don't know.
I don't know.
Some bad bitch over there at the Nashville MMA put me into a damn figure nine last week.
So what, you know, I can't even answer the phone.
And one of my hands is all stagnant because of whatever she did to me.
Damn, hexed me.
So, you know, all I can do is just we cheer.
And but win or lose, the man's a champion, and I was just honored to be in his presence.
And that's honestly how I feel.
What's going on?
What was I thinking about?
Oh, we have the show, and it is Friday night, January 15th, 8 p.m.
You know, I'm just excited to be able to do this with Chelsea, and we're just going to try to make it fun and to try something new.
You know, I realize that sometimes it's hard to try something new sometimes as life gets going.
Oh, well, I know what it's going to be like.
Well, I, you know, what if people don't like me after it?
What if, you know, what if it's not what I'm used to?
And I have some thoughts like that, but I'm just trying to lean into it.
And I'm trying to embrace it.
You know, just grab the mole by the damn mole skin and just shake that.
Yeah.
But yeah, we have sketches.
You can get a ticket.
And the ticket means you can watch it.
It's a $10 ticket.
You can sit there 8 p.m.
Central Standard Time, January 15th, and watch it at home.
And it's going to be live.
We are going live.
We got Trey Lewis will be performing.
Larry Fleet, you heard him on here, Where I Find God, he will be performing live.
We have some sketches that are going to be live.
We have some sketches that we've Already put together.
We have a talent show with some real illegitimate talents and legitimate and illegitimate.
I mean, orphans of talents.
Like, I'm talking talents that have never met their parents.
I'm talking them kind of talents.
They're red-headed talents.
And it's just going to be something.
So.
What else is going on, man?
Oh, I had a damn dough.
My God, I had a donut.
You know, I had a...
You ever had a donut where you just, I mean, the whole time I'm eating it, all I could hear in my head, I could hear that song.
I bet you can't do it like me.
I bet you can't do it like me.
Oh, I bet you can't do it like me.
I think it's like a rap song, you know.
It's an urban reel that booty checker.
Oh, I bet you can't do it like me.
You know, I mean, this thing, man.
I put a, look, and I cut this thing into quarters because I knew out the gate this was a bad bitch.
This little Donnet.
This little sugar Cinderella, this bitch about to fucking turn into a damn tastegasm at midnight at the stroke of 12 in my mouth.
This thing, I cut it into quarters.
And that's how old I am.
If somebody asks you how old you are, you say, well, I'm at the age where I will cut a donut into quarters.
That's an interesting age, baby.
That's an interesting age out there.
And I cut this back.
I mean, this bitch was from Atlanta.
You know what I'm saying?
This bitch was about that life, but you came to it like me.
This bitch was about that life.
You know, I mean, this bitch had a couple gun shots on her, you know, a couple gun shots in her thigh.
She was about that life.
And I cut that thing into quarters and I had it, man.
It's from Five Daughters Bakery.
It was out here in the Central East.
And it was, oh, oh, my God.
This thing made me want to damn.
I had to check with the Lord to make sure we was good after that thing because it was good, man.
But that show is Friday.
It's going to have sketches, live music, a talent show.
You know, it's just, it's a live show.
And that's what's interesting about these days that you can do a show and put it straight into people.
You know, I don't have to go to some big fancy man up there or some fancy woman wishing she was a man at a company somewhere and saying, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Mr. Andy.
Hey, hey, Mr. Yavil, Mr. Barbara.
Can I do the show?
No, you can't.
That's gone.
And now you can go direct.
And so it's just going to be a nice time.
If you can't be there for 8 p.m.
on Friday, Central Standard Time, you will be able to get the show for a week or 10 days after.
You'll still be able to go online and watch it.
But I'm excited.
It's going to be a new adventure.
I'm trying something new.
And we've been working really, really hard to put on something good.
So I'm really grateful to I'm just grateful to everybody that's been helping me.
Support for the podcast is brought to you by Man Scaped.
And look, if you're a man, you better be scaped out.
You can't be bringing no, you know, them hairy nuts out there to the ladies anymore.
They won't accept it.
You show up with that little hairbag, baby.
You show up and your nuts is all braided on the sides.
Means.
You show up and your nuts have a crazy fade.
They got an MS-13 tattoo right there.
Means.
Nah, those days are over.
But what I'm telling you about is Manscaped.
Who knew smelling this good could feel this good too?
Well, Manscaped did.
That's why they released a new cologne.
And a lot of men in prison use Manscaped.
Did you know that?
I want to tell you this.
A lot of times your balls, they be wilding, bruh.
If you ever been on a bus or something, the bus got abandoned on the side of the road along the Long Island Expressway at LIE.
And you've been up all night anyway doing dope and you out there and your nuts is sitting right there under you.
People don't realize that the whole time you blowing a bag of blow, you know, you know, the whole time you freaking snout wrestling an eight ball, your nuts is right there with you, bro, suffering.
Staying up all night.
They wanted to get some rest.
Maybe they're going to see their aunt.
Maybe they're going to see their cousin tomorrow, but not now.
Because they've been up all night riding your coke habit.
With the same signature scent that's in all Manscaped formulas, this cologne is a perfect compliment to the collection.
Light, approachable, and gentlemanly.
In all the right ways, get your body right with good scent.
Calming and inviting, this signature scent introduces a light citrus burst before settling in the anchoring notes of vitiver and a woodsy masculine finish.
And we know that vitivor is a grass that only grows in Hawaii.
And now you can use the new Manscaped Refined Cologne to complete your set and smell great anytime, anywhere.
It's time to feel sexy.
Quit feeling homeless.
Quit feeling like you just had nine pence of ice cream.
It's time to feel sexy.
Get 20% off and free shipping.
Go to Manscaped.com slash Theo.
Get 20% off and free shipping by going to Manscaped.com slash Theo.
Support the podcast.
That's 20% off free shipping by going to manscaped.com slash Theo.
Look good, smell good, feel good with Manscaped.
I'm going to let you know also quickly after the year we've all been through, saving money should be at the top of everyone's resolution list.
Some people, you see their list, and there's crazy stuff up there.
My friend wrote down, go hot ballooning.
I'm like, I said, you mean hot air ballooning?
Is that what you mean, Quincy?
He said, yo, yeah, man.
Well, then write that, Quincy, because you wrote hot ballooning.
And you put a lighter to a balloon and you're hanging under from a basket, son, and you die.
And that's death, son.
That's what you're looking to do, Quincy.
Oh, man, I don't know.
So if you're still paying insane amounts of money every month for wireless, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
Switch to Mint Mobile.
It's the easiest way to save this year.
And get out of those big boys' pocket.
As the first company to sell premium wireless service online only, Mint Mobile lets you maximize your savings with plans starting at just $15 a month.
For people looking for extra savings this year, Mint Mobile offers premium wireless for just $15 a month.
Switch to Mint Mobile, get premium wireless.
If you're not satisfied, 100% satisfied, that means premium or full top-top satisfaction.
Mint Mobile has you covered with their seven-day money-back guarantee.
And you know, I like a guarantee because it's something.
That's exactly what it is.
To get your new wireless plan for just $15 a month and get the plan shipped to your door for free, go to mintmobile.com slash T-H-E-O.
That's mintmobile.com slash T-H-E-O.
Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash Theo.
Thanks you.
Thanks you.
Thank you, Mint Mobile.
Oh, what else?
Yeah, we got the show on Friday.
You can get a ticket in the links below.
We have, you know, I was thinking when I was young, they had, we used to go to this place, BJ's.
And some people think it means blow jobs, but we don't know what it meant.
But they sold pizza, you know, round Italian.
And we would go over there and mom would take us over there.
And they had a lot of little teams in there, you know, the bobcats, a little softball or something.
Or they have a little handicap, little, you know, you know, Hot Wheels, little handicap kickball team or something.
They'd be in there, them bitches.
You know, and we'd come and we'd, and we never played shit.
We'd just be in there, our family.
And they had bad pizza over there.
In Covington, Louisiana, they had bad pizza.
The middle was real wet.
And the middle was real wet.
And on some things, you want a wet middle.
But pizza ain't but pizza ain't one of them.
So we'd be in there and, you know, we had our allowance and we'd earned it.
And mom usually kept more than, we usually earned more than we got.
My mom had this allowance system where you never got it all.
And shout out to my boy Patrick out there.
And he one time won a family football pool.
It was his whole family, 40, 50 members.
When we were in like third grade, he won it.
And he won like $1,200.
This is a long time ago.
And his mother convinced him to buy a Christmas village.
And so he didn't know any better.
You know, he's damn nine.
And so he bought it.
He picked all the teams, Stanford, Texas Tech, Old Dominion.
He'd picked it all, Michigan.
And after he'd won it, I'm $1,200, which is like $4,000 today.
And his mother, he said, mama want that money.
She said, well, we should invest it.
And she made him buy a damn Christmas village that you put out on the table.
And if you think their relationship is booming today, then you don't know big business.
But I remember we'd go over there to BJ's Pizza and that video games in there.
And you had to get the manager.
Sometimes the pinball wouldn't work well.
You had to get the manager over there, this fella to come and put the ball.
The ball would disappear.
And this guy always had a couple extra on him.
And the guy, honestly, homosexual, I'll be honest, bro.
And I didn't know at the time, I was like, oh, he's just friendly.
He likes to touch my neck and back a lot.
And he's, you know, a lot older.
And, you know, and he wears deodorant on his arms, full arm.
But now I know what I'm saying, basically, homosexual.
Or home.
They call them homeowners, and I don't, but they do, but sometimes I do.
And we're talking about, damn, I don't even know.
Oh, mom would take us over there, and we'd get us a little bit of allowance.
We'd have our allowance.
And then mom, they had a little vending machine, video gaming machine.
Legalized video gambling.
You know, slots, little.
And it was the one, the early ones, it just had the cards.
It was just the five cards.
You hold a couple.
And we'd be, dude, I'd be damn 10 years old up against, they had those, you know, those double, those western doors.
And in there, they had three little setups.
And somebody, there's always somebody been had pissed back behind a couple of the machines or whatever, but that was nothing.
We didn't see it.
But you knew it had happened.
It was that kind of place.
And mom would go in there.
We give her our allowance and tell her what to bet on.
Pick three, pick nine, pick the queen.
And we lost it all.
We lost it all as a family, though.
And, you know, there's ways to.
There's a difference losing it all alone, and there's a difference losing it all together.
It just, it hits different.
But yeah, that was BJ's Pizza, man.
And then we'd have a little mom, we'd go next door that had a place called McKenzie's, a bakery.
Famous bakery.
And they ended up having, the family ended up having a damn fire and somebody burned to death with all the best recipes.
You know, but that's Louisiana, man.
And we'd go over there and get a little sugar treat, man.
A little confectioner treat.
You know, we'd each have a quarter and we could get you a little something, bruh.
You know, get you a little baby E-clair, nighttime E-clair, they called them.
Full chocolate on it.
Or get you a little one of those.
Somehow, every now and then we'd fuck up and get a meringue, bro.
Ugh.
Nothing sadder than seeing some healthy little kid, some dirty little, little dirty hands eating a damn fucking little French.
Man, look like a damn, look like Napoleon's appendix, these little things, you know?
Just piece of shit, man.
But what else, dude?
What else is even going on?
No, we've been working all day on the show for Friday.
So that's really the big thing that's going on.
Got some exciting guests.
So that's good.
Yeah.
That's it.
You guys send in some calls.
I'm feeling happy to be alive.
I want to share that.
You know, I think sometimes I don't share that I am excited to be living in God's world, bruh.
I'm excited to be living in whoever created this.
I'm happy to be in here right now.
And I got to remember to say that on the days when I'm feeling it because I don't always feel it, as you well know.
And so I have to remember to share that out loud.
So I hope you're doing well.
And yeah, and I really do.
I hope you're just rolling with the punches.
There's a lot going on right now out there.
But when I make my world small and connect with the people that I care about, there's nothing too different going on.
You know, if anything, in some ways, these times have helped me to make my life kind of smaller.
And so I have two options then.
I can enjoy that or I can not enjoy that.
And for today, I'm trying to enjoy that and I feel like I am.
So that's good, man.
Amen, bro.
Praise God, Bam PTL, baby.
All right, let's take a couple calls.
You guys, a couple calls have hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.
As always, is the hotline here on the 371st episode of this past weekend, man?
That's crazy.
That's really crazy.
Oh, I want to, if there's a memory, you know, my family would go to BJ's Pizza over there.
And years later, I would work there.
My brother would work there.
You know, we got involved.
There was a class action suit.
There was a fire.
We went through all of that.
You know, I saw some good, you know, I saw some things I shouldn't have seen over there.
I saw some things I should have seen.
You know, I ended up getting, I got a job there years later.
I got fired.
You know, I've told the story.
I was, me and the other dishwasher had a contest who could hold our head under the dishwater the longest.
You know, basic, you know, mono-e-mano type deal.
And I was down there, I'm on down there 40 seconds, 42, 43, and the seconds get hot, bro.
When you ride in dishwater, bro, that shit get, I mean, it's not only you can feel the grease building on your shirt, but you feel the ability.
You're almost a champion.
You know this little bitch ass Jason only has about 39 seconds, so I'm riding dirty now.
So I keep going him at 43 seconds.
I rip my head up out of the water and I yell straight up, champion!
And the boss had come in at the time, Wild Wayne, they called him.
And I'll say this, every Wayne somehow gets called Wild Wayne, which is bullshit.
They need to definitely see how much of these Wayne's is wild.
Because many are not.
And this man was not wild.
You know, he banged kind of a thick gal and he smoked an R.I.P.
also.
But I can't remember what.
Oh, but I yelled champion.
The boss was right there.
Fired me on the spot.
But anyway, what was your favorite place to eat growing up?
If you had a favorite mealtime, you went.
You know, before that, when my father still lived with us, we went to Pizza Hut.
And it was a damn four-star, four and a quarter four and a quarter stars it was a four and a quarter star establishment when i was young and you'd go sitting there the thick red plastic cups with the crushed ice nobody was doing crushed ice nobody was doing crushed ice and pizza did it man and people forget that a lot of people nowadays they they see p you know they just think it's basking robin's
freaking little pervy uncle bruh but they was more than that and we would go there and they had the salad bar they had pudding on the salad bar dude people would pay for the salad bar just for the pudding that's my sebastian maniscalco people would pay for the salad bar just for
the pudding that's a little sebastian maniscalco for you people would pay for the yeah i love you sebastian man um but yeah what was a restaurant that you hit that you loved give me a tell me a little bit about it maybe you and your father would hit hardy's in the morning maybe y'all hit a tim horton
maybe you guys would hit a kfc in shanghai because everything over there is a real shithole but uh but what would you hit tell me let me in on it 985-664-9503 um you know there was a death at the comedy store this week uh a man died a man died and
a man died you know a man died and and he died he died and the man named Jeff and Jeff was a pianist at the comedy store and he was probably I mean he was human furniture really he was a he was like a water fountain of that place and
I meant that because he would really he would he kind of spit a lot when he talked but also because he was a fixture you know he was he was just a beloved man he was the pianist and when you brought up on stage when he broke when you came up on stage he would play you up and you know as comedians we're so much in our head we're in our own ego a lot of times so once they call your name it's just you feel your body walking up there and then you feel your body grabbing the mic I would always say you
guys give it up for Jeff over here you know he's blind I would say and he wasn't blind you know but he would pretend he was blind you know he would just kind of blind out and and he did it every time every time I got on stage there it was just this little moment that he and I had and and I know that sounds crazy but it was just this thing that
was a constant and we would have some nice chats you know he would always tell me nice things you know hey man this thing this bit you're doing this really it's good you know you're doing a good job just keep doing what you're doing nobody's doing what you're doing and he made me feel hopeful you know he gave me a lot of hope and
he also gave me he gave me a rape whistle also but um but yeah he died you know he died and uh and he died and he died and um he died like three four days ago and
it really breaks my heart man because part of me wonders did he die from just the separation you know i think he was 60 or 70 years old he might have been 75 years old and part of me wonders how much of a man how much can a man's you know with no connection like how many more people are we losing from covid because of disconnection
and i don't know if we'll know the repercussions of some of that you know especially a lot of people that struggle with addiction and struggle with um those sorts of you know and all types of addiction you know it's like when we isolate it can be really not good and so i wonder how many how many people just stuck in their own little worlds without some reflection in the universe to
let them know that they're good or they're okay you know as much as jeff played us on his keys and brought us up there every night uh we everybody looked over at him and smiled everybody acknowledged he'd go blow a joint you know he was gassed up so that dude he missed half of his work you'd get off stage and and be ready to bring up the next person you weren't even there he literally had to work like 12
one-minute spots throughout the night and he would probably make about eight of them um but it was just he came there and he just everybody loved him he was this weird like you know some you throw one of those little rubber balls and it just goes.
It just goes.
And it's bouncing off this, and it's bouncing.
And he was like that.
just touched everybody.
And he had crazy stories, man.
He got AIDS, bruh.
He got AIDS.
And he, you know, and I would even joke from stage, you know, Jeff right here, y'all give it up for Jeff.
He's terminally ill.
You know, and he got AIDS, man.
And I think that's brave as hell.
People say, you know, you know, say this and that about AIDS, but I think that's brave as hell, man.
And he has a great episode with Brian Scolaro that is out, and he had recorded it five days before his death.
And you can go listen to that.
We'll put the link as that as well in below.
And, man, he, you know, and he just, he used to tell me about being young and being in a place called Provincetown, and it was real gay, you know, real, like, kind of gay hitmen.
Dude, come up and just stab you six or seven times with that Peter, bro, with that Wayner.
That kind of place, you know.
You're trying to buy a soda and they give you half a cup of cock.
You know, and he said he got taken advantage some, and then he ended up out in Los Angeles.
And he thought his life was going to end, but his life really began when he got out there.
And I didn't really know that I would care as much.
Not to say that meanly, but you just don't know when some people leave the earth how much it's going to hit you.
And it just, you know, it didn't.
It just made me realize how different things are going to be and how much a lot of people might be struggling.
You know, and I didn't, I didn't never know, you know, he really had, I mean, I just, for him to wake up and be positive every day and having gay AIDS, man.
And to just be, to show up every day.
You know, and that's, you know, and that's really that blood ghost, baby, AIDS.
And, yeah, I just want to say thank you, Jeff, man.
You know, we love you, bro.
And you were nice and you were warm and you were kind.
And you didn't ever be wild or try to fuck or do anything wild like that.
You just, you know, you gave homestead to people that needed it.
And I felt like you would have shared it with anybody.
You would have shared your time.
And I wish I had spent more time with you, brother.
And I wish I had spent more time with you.
You know, I wish I had gotten to know you a little bit better, man.
You know, and we love you, Jeff.
Jeff Scott.
I want to let you know that.
Oh, man.
Yeah, sorry.
I didn't mean to get off like that, but, you know, life is just this.
It's like...
Life is just like this.
Life's like this.
It's like a like an outfit or a costume or a coat.
And the second I start to kind of feel like I know what it feels like, it it turns into like a just a different and I can never I can never wear it right.
I can never know how I look in it.
I can never I can never know if it fits really.
It's just brief moments of know of life feeling tailored before it completely readjusts, man.
And God bless you, Jeff Scott, man.
And, uh...
Yeah, and we love you, bro.
You know, I don't know if, you know, and I don't know what you were going through when you were at home and you were by, you know, for, you know, what was going on, you know.
And I'm sorry that you and I weren't closer, but I just didn't realize how big of a part you were of my life and of a lot of other people's lives, man.
And I'm happy that I got to cross paths with you on this realm, brother.
Gang.
I want to let you know if you've ever had acne, baby.
But that's a dang.
Look, it's not.
I mean, it's, I mean, it's that's a, you know, a hamp.
A hamp.
When it comes to work, communication is key.
Even if you don't have a writing job, sounding unconfident, indecisive, or passive-aggressive can hold you back professionally and hurt your team's productivity.
Grammarly Premiums advanced tone suggestions.
Make sure you're always sending the right message.
Sound clear and confident in your writing and automatically replace negative leaning language with solution-focused alternatives.
With Grammarly's help, you can build stronger relationships at work, be constructive in the face of challenges, and help your team get things done.
Grammarly works where you do, so your team's projects get done Before the deadline.
And with features like comprehensive spelling, grammar, and clarity-focused sentence rewrites, Grammarly helps keep your writing efficient and mistake-free.
The right tone can move any project forward.
Get it just right with Grammarly.
Go to Grammarly.com/slash podcast to sign up for free.
Then get 20% off when you upgrade to premium.
That's 20% off at Grammarly.com/slash podcast.
So it's not a vegetable animal, brother.
It's a that's a to-go launch for a wolf.
You know, I really think you should just let the Lord work on him there, brother.
He took his blood pressure, checked his heart rate, this kind of stuff.
A little bit strange to me.
In any case, they also hit him with some antibiotics.
So we were giving him antibiotics for a couple weeks, and then he died.
They didn't work, and so now we buried him in the backyard.
God is the number one veterinarian, okay?
God is the number one veterinarian, especially for a hamster, okay?
Your hamster gots a cataract?
That means it's looking for the Lord, baby.
Your pony needs a hip replacement?
That don't mean spend $20 to get little Daisy a new piss hinge, okay?
Let the Lord work.
That means the Lord got his tool belt on and he ready to go to.
Your frog has a lisp?
That don't mean it needs a speech therapy.
It needs a grave.
A grave is the Lord's lost and found.
Let the Lord collect them and refurb them, you feel me?
Your hyena needs a chin bone?
Well, let the Lord.
Your kitten got a cleft palate?
Well, let the Lord.
Your guinea pig got arthritis?
Well, LTL, baby, let the Lord.
Y'all out here tinkering with the man's work.
Somebody out in Beverly Hills got a pet mosquito in a back brace.
Bitch, Lord the Lord.
You trying to teach a turtle Spanish?
Y'all need to quit acting like God don't do the work.
And Elon.
Okay, that's what I'm telling you right there, baby.
And thank you for calling, Ali, man.
You guys be good over there, brother Gang.
I got to tell you right now, we'll get to a few more calls.
Then we have a guest coming in.
Athletic Greens.
The reason I take it is because I don't like eating celery all day.
I don't like eating vegetable ables all day.
I like to get me some and get me some and go.
I like to get me a little agua.
Get me an athletic green.
Snip open and pack it.
A little bit of green dust smoke comes out.
And that's a vegetable above smoke.
And I pour it in L. And I put an ice cube in and out.
I get up and I hit that thing like a jaunt.
Hit that thing like a jaunt.
That's what I'm saying, baby.
And that is athletic greens.
Today's program is brought to you by athletic greens.
With so many stressors in life, it's difficult to maintain effective nutritional habits, and that's true.
You get up, you're on the go.
You already have somewhere to be tomorrow.
That's the world we live in right now.
You already have somewhere to be tomorrow.
So you're going to show up with a day's supply of vitamins and minerals inside of you?
You're going to show up on an empty tank.
One tasty scoop of athletic grains contains 75 vitamins, minerals, and whole food sourced ingredients, including a multivitamin, multimineral, probiotic, green superfood blend, and more that all work together to fill the nutritional gaps in your diet, increase energy and focus, aid with digestion, and support a healthy immune system, all without the need to take multiple products.
Narrow it down.
Quit taking this and this and this pill and this in injections.
Doing this and that, this suppository, just to feel something.
That's right.
Simply visit athleticgreens.com slash Theo.
And right now, Athletic Greens is doubling down on supporting your immune system during these COVID times and winter months.
They are offering our audience free one-year supply of vitamin D. My God, that's a whole solar system of sunshine.
And five free travel packs.
You want to leave your family?
Fine.
Take these for five days.
You'll be fine.
Five free travel packs with your first purchase.
If you visit my link today, you'll basically never have to buy vitamin D again.
No back alley vitamin Ds.
No touching people you don't know.
Having to do nasty stuff for vitamin D. It's over.
Simply visit athleticgreens.com slash Theo and join health experts.
Experts, athletes and health conscious go-getters, okay, around the world who make a daily commitment to their health every day.
Twitter is a shithole.
Again, simply visit athleticgreens.com slash Theo and get your free year supply of vitamin D and five free travel packs today.
Look, I've got my mother on athletic greens.
That's how much I trust it.
Is your mother on it?
Let's go.
Let's take another call right here.
We'll take one more and then we will get to our guest today.
Hey, Theo, my name's Aaron Hightower.
Hey, Aaron.
And thank you for calling.
I like Aaron, man.
It's a name, a mixed name.
Could be male or female pet.
Anything, bro.
Mystery.
Ghost, even.
Gang, brother.
Praise God.
I've been a video game programmer for a couple of years, worked with a lot of folks.
And I wanted to get your take on what's called the simulation hypothesis.
I think there was a story that went around December 30th or so, hit Fox News, and it's been doing the circuits I haven't seen everywhere it's been.
But yeah, there's a guy, Michio Kaku, K-A-K-U.
And he's got some comments on it.
But yeah, I wanted to get your take.
I thought you would give us an entertaining insight from your perspective, what it might all be about.
Thanks for everything you're doing, Theo.
Huge fan.
Take care.
Thank you very much there, Aaron.
Simulation Hypothesis by Kakach.
All right, this says, do we live in assimilation?
Gauging whether or not we dwell inside someone else's computer may come down to advanced AI research or measurements at the frontiers of cosmology.
After P. Okay, I'm back.
You know, do we live in assimilation?
Do we live in a computer?
Man, it really, a lot of it really starts to feel like it.
You know, and I think for me, some of it is because of how much time I spend on a computer or next to electronics.
You know, it's going to feel like it.
It's going to feel I'm going to feel like I'm locked into a database.
Of course, I'm going to feel like I'm probably being controlled by one.
A computer sends me an email.
It tells me that email usually a lot of times tells me what I need to do next.
Where am I going?
I put it into a calendar so I go check on a calendar.
And a calendar tells me, okay, this is where you have to be tomorrow, 2, 3, 7 p.m.
Here's who else is coming.
So it starts to be really that I'm following and storing things that are important to me in an electronic world.
So much so that I could easily see why if enough people suggested that we were living in assimilation, it wouldn't be hard for me to maybe feel that way that somebody was, you know, Nintendo switching me.
Especially a lot of people switching sex as they get older.
Like somebody just, you know, you know, did L2 smash the right L2 and then smash the R and then damn, you know, Larry's got a cock now.
You know, or Bridget wants some tits now.
And that could be something that's happening.
Do I feel like it?
I think if I start to give in to that idea, then that's not going to be good for me.
I wonder how I would feel, say, if I cut off all electronics from myself for six months, would I still feel like I'm in assimilation?
Or would I just start to notice that a lot of people are addicted to electronics and electronica and digitalia?
because also i don't understand sometimes if we are say we're in assimilation Sometimes I, you know, I remember sometimes I would just leave the game on.
I'd be playing PlayStation, PlayStation.
Or something I would just leave the game on.
I would go.
That's what I worry about sometimes.
Somebody started assimilation and then maybe they got attacked or maybe they went outside to get something and somebody cut them.
You know, or really disemboweled them.
And they're never coming back to the machine.
So it's kind of like in like war of, what is that thing called?
Not Sims, but it's like a battle thing where you have crops and, you know, hey, Donnie, get the wood, you know.
Hey, Cheryl, huh?
Won't you farm?
Farm!
So, you know, it has that whole thing going on.
And I wonder if sometimes that is just on that screen where they went outside to get the mail, somebody popped them off, and now they're never coming back to the controls again.
So now we're just stuck here on this one page where nothing ever kind of happens, and we're starting to lose our minds a little.
But also, I think we're just one little ice age, or not even an ice age, just like a real, you know, kind of a, it's going to be chilly out there today age and away from us having to get back to ourselves and what and what it feels like to just be to connect with a
different source.
We spend so much time connecting to this, to this source that of course we start to feel like part of it.
You know, if I have seven pickles, I'm going to feel like a little, like, you know, I'm going to feel a little green, baby.
You feel me?
And I'm going to start believing in green shit.
So I think that's where I am with it.
I never felt that the rest of my life.
So it's interesting that suddenly now, within the past five years, when we were getting so, I mean, my device is always with me.
It's never more than 10 minutes before I respond to a text usually unless I don't want to.
So, or unless I have to think about it.
And that's scared.
That's crazy.
So for me, that evidence seems more realistic.
You know, and I worry about the long-term effects of us not having an imagination anymore.
And things like that.
But I think if I start...
Yeah, I could see that happening.
I could see a huge transition of wealth in that way too, because then you only can earn money in the avatar world.
You know, in this brainscape.
So suddenly all the money, whatever you have on the outside doesn't matter anymore.
You know, I think it is interesting.
You know, I don't know if it always happens, but it'd be interesting if a great equalizer comes across and it sets it all at zero again.
And then you find out what's in you.
Oh, am I just going to cry?
Am I just going to think?
Am I just going to judge?
Am I just going to blame?
Or is some little part of me that still has a pilot light of damn manhood and bravado and womanhood going to fucking flicker and pick up a fucking hard stick and say, let's go.
I don't know.
You know, I don't know.
I do not know.
Riley Mao is here.
Riley Mao, how you doing, brother?
Good.
All right, man.
You know, it's been a while and people have been asking about you.
And I just wanted to know what the last we heard from you, you had a love in your life and you had come across some love.
And do you remember that?
I do.
Okay, good.
And tell me about that, the girl, Madison was her name.
And you guys, and it kind of fizzled quickly, I remember.
Is that something I'm recollecting well or no?
You're right.
Okay.
And take me through a little bit of that.
You guys had, how many dates did you go on?
Just one.
Okay.
Okay.
And then after that, what happened?
Things just didn't work out between us.
So we just, we just, she went back to a different state and we just never saw each other again.
And when you say that things didn't work out, what does it mean?
Because you really felt like you were into this gal.
I was indeed.
But, you know, hey, things happen.
Like what?
I mean, I don't want to get into too much detail, obviously.
But, I mean, it just, I mean, she basically just saw another guy.
She was interested in another guy.
Really?
And did you ever meet this guy?
No.
No, he's in her state as well.
Oh, it's easier.
Yeah.
So she's taking the easy way out, kind of, huh?
Hitting on some local guy.
Yep.
Yeah, I hate it when chicks do that.
Oh, he lives in my state.
I'm going to hook up with him, you know.
What else has been going on?
How has love treated you since then?
Has there been anything new on the love horizon?
Not yet, but you will be the first to know.
What?
When something happens.
Oh, okay.
Nothing has happened.
No, not yet.
Okay.
And how were your holidays?
Did you enjoy it?
Did you do something?
What did you guys do?
You guys go to Hawaii?
No.
My parents did.
They're there right now.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, they left me there.
They actually left me in California.
Went to Hawaii, and now I'm here.
And do you guys celebrate Christmas?
Yes.
That's awesome, man.
Good.
I'm glad.
You got to adapt, man.
What else, man?
What else do we need to know?
I know it's been a while, and I'm glad that you're here now, and I'm glad to be able to check in with you.
Have you been alive?
What is going on?
Have I been alive?
Yeah.
Yeah, I've been alive.
Okay, and what else, man?
Give me a little bit more than that.
Have you been outdoors?
Have you been indoors?
I've kind of been staying a little indoors just because of COVID.
Okay.
And is that fear hitting your community a lot or a lot of people going down?
No, everyone's like just saying, screw it.
Let's go outside.
Do Vietnamese people get COVID a lot or no?
I have no idea.
Okay.
Keeping it close to the vest.
Riley Mao, you'll be in the Christmas talent extravaganza.
I will be.
Exciting.
Exciting.
I'm excited to see that, man.
And I'm grateful that you pop back in.
And I'm grateful that hopefully we'll hear more from you.
What kind of ladies, if there's a lady out there that really fancies a man like yourself, a small, not small, but a still growing, maturing, malleable, Eastern kind of, you know, Western, kind of Eastern man, what type of woman do you think would deserve a man like you or is a good woman?
I'm not a guy to be too picky.
I mean, just someone that, you know, treats a guy right.
Simple as that.
Do you feel like there's...
Did it leave you hopeful or hopeless?
Did you feel like?
It made me hopeful, definitely.
Really?
That's awesome, man.
And what do you do you envision any future moves with women?
Because that was your first kiss, right?
Right.
And do you envision, like, I'm sure you started to fantasize, oh, this is going to go to another place.
Like, I've done this with women.
You know, it's like you get the kiss and you think you're going to get, you know, a double up, you know, and things are going to go crazy, and you get all these crazy, you know, ideas, and you get sensuality creeps into your body.
And next thing you know, you're just disgusted with yourself for touching yourself.
But do you, uh, how did you get, like, how did you stop the fantasies and stuff?
How did you get away from that?
Um, I mean, honestly, I just said, or I just thought in my head, you know, hey, she wasn't the one, move on.
There's plenty of people out there.
There you go.
There's plenty of koi in the pond right there.
Maybe we'll find you a love out there, Riley.
You never know.
True.
Never know what happens.
And do you have any other words of wisdom?
No?
Riley Mao, ladies and gentlemen, man.
Thank you so much for being here.
And we hope you'll come back soon.
We'll see you at the belated Christmas talent extravaganza on January 15th, 8 p.m.
Central Standard Time.
I don't even know.
Let me think if there was a song.
Oh, I know what this is.
I wanted to play this on the way out.
You guys, thank you for supporting this past weekend.
Thank you for supporting our sponsors.
You know, we got some new get that hitter merchants out there.
And a lot of stuff, but we don't have to get to it all today.
Take care of yourselves.
Stay confident.
Go Saints.
Go Bills.
And I'll see you guys on Friday night.
Celebrate living.
Celebrate misery.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
Let's have some fun while we are by Celebrate dark days.
Celebrate all your bang.
This is Spencer Jacob Grow with Never Home.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
You guys be good to yourselves, man.
You guys deserve it.
Love you.
See you next time.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Aye, Sweet.
Easy to.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John.
Hi.
I'll take a quarter pottle of cheese out of the glory.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
