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Jan. 2, 2021 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

01:47:52

E315 Virtual Gnomes

Theo takes a look back at the insane journey that was 2020, featuring some of the best TPW highlights and guest interviews from this year. Thank you so much to everyone who's continued to support the podcast over these past 4 years. Onward to 2021. Get your ticket for Theo and Tammy’s Belated Christmas Talent Extravaganza: https://bit.ly/christmasextravaganzatickets New Merch https://theovonstore.com https://bit.ly/theo-von This episode is brought to you by: Athletic Greens: https://athleticgreens.com/theo Magic Mind: https://magicmind.co and use promo code THEO for 10% off Music: “Shine” - Bishop Gunn http://bit.ly/Shine_BishopGunn Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://bit.ly/TPW_VideoHotline Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw Producer: Nick Davis https://instagram.com/realnickdavis Associate Producer: Sean Dugan https://www.instagram.com/SeanDugan/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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	What a year, huh?
	What a year.
	Dude, if you had a bag full of years and you pick this one out of the bag, just say they blindfolded everybody, and you reach in the bag and everybody gets a year.
	Dude, this would be a freaking wild one to draw.
	What a year.
	The shake-up, baby.
	The shake-up.
	Mother Nature just unleashed that, you know, she unleashed that dirty sauce out into the air.
	And people getting it, people getting lunged out.
	On Mother Nature, she threw that dirty dust out into the air.
	People getting lunged out.
	People on, you know, just shook.
	People shocked.
	People can't, you know, people getting gripped out by the disease.
	Man, a damn guy in Tennessee blew up a freaking an RV.
	A good RV.
	The guy parked it out in front of a Hooters and damn blew it up.
	And Twin Peaks is better anyway.
	And I know, and you know it.
	And I'm not trying to tell, I'm not trying to preach at you, but I'm just saying, damn, Twin Peaks is better.
	All the good, you know, tits, all those good, you know, them front bags, baby, you feel me?
	All them freaking, mmm, them milky headlamps, they've all migrated long ago over to Twin Peaks.
	I mean, really, the only people still working at Hooters is orange bitches.
	Let's be honest, and no offense.
	El peros de naranjas.
	But that's the facts.
	That's the only people still working at Hooters are mostly really teachers' assistants who are afraid to do OnlyFans and orange bitches.
	That's facts, man.
	Dude, that is facts, baby.
	It's the new year.
	It's the new year.
	We did it 2021.
	We're in the future, baby.
	This is the future, man.
	This is what Elon Musk puts on his salad, baby.
	This is the future.
	Can you even imagine that we are, this is the future.
	We are every actually every moment you're doing the future.
	When you start a word, where you end is in the future, man.
	That's crazy.
	We're here.
	This is it.
	2021 has been a wild one.
	I don't even know if I have any music.
	Do we have any?
	You know what?
	There's something on here.
	Hold on.
	Oh, yeah.
	It's that gentle.
	It's that euthanasia soundtrack.
	Music
	Oh, yeah.
	This is when your doctor tells you you shouldn't have any more sugar and you just lay in bed and have a damn brownie or a snick of doodle, man.
	And this is Megan Wofford, Auld Lang Syne.
	This is that end of somebody's life.
	You know, down the street, some man down the street, his life is ending.
	And he finally has a, you know, can admit that he molested somebody or did something, you know, threw a frisbee when somebody bent down and picked it up, touched it or, you know, did something wild.
	but he denies it and just goes to heaven or hell.
	you can hear the frisbee Oh, yeah.
	There you go, right there.
	That is all Lang Syne.
	Auld Lang Syne.
	It sounds, you know, that's the New Year's anthem.
	People, some people don't know what it's called, and it's called Auld.
	Old Lang Syne.
	And I had a waiter like that once at a mellow mushroom.
	He made like extra sounds like when he was talking, you know?
	Like, out of each order.
	Like, what?
	He gives a couple of rain theory.
	Hey, you need your appetizer.
	Hey, you ain't going tonight.
	He made his own background noise, you know?
	It was like, oh, we're going to see you tonight.
	Like, what, dude?
	Why are you...
	You got some...
	Like, what, dude?
	Just tell, you know, if you just tell me what you have.
	Good to see you guys and not even see you, really.
	Just see you with my heart and with my imagination.
	But I just can't believe that we're making it this far.
	And it is getting unique out there.
	You know?
	I mean, some fella damn blew up a RV, a decent camper.
	Okay, that thing slept six, honey.
	But in the end, it Slept one, you feel me?
	But some man kill bossed that bitch over there downtown in the Central East out there in Tennessee, and he was lonesome.
	It said, You know, there was a little here and there he said something that he, you know, he thought about lizard people or something, but you know, he was probably listening to Tinfoil Hat.
	I have no idea.
	But he, you know, the guy, I mean, it was a lonely dude that blew himself up.
	And I'm not shocked.
	First of all, it's hard to park down there.
	Let's be honest.
	Downtown parking, who has not wanted to, sometimes when I'm downtown and I'm looking for parking, I literally wish that my glove box was a little oven and I just want to put my head on there, in there, and go full blast, honey.
	I want to set that bitch on nine and grill my thoughts because I'm damn angry.
	That's why.
	God, people have been angry this year, man.
	This year got everybody.
	Who knows?
	Who knows?
	Look, virtual reality.
	You'll see a lot of children nowadays.
	You drive down the street and there's a kid in the yard.
	You'll just see him hiding behind nothing.
	He'll just kind of be crouching like he's and he's playing hide and go seek in his head with virtual, you know, with somebody in damn Guantanamo Bay or Russia or somewhere.
	You know, Michigan.
	And it's, you know, the virtual reality, who knows what it's going to be.
	There's a new thing where people just have jobs in virtual reality.
	So now, this is unbelievable.
	The highlight is you have a lazy child with a thing on, with the VR on, like flipping burgers or, you know, working at a Shake Shack or, you know, making Kleenex or working at a Kleenex factory.
	It's just on.
	So now you can't even get your kid to work, but he'll put on goggles and go fucking work at a job that's not even real.
	Oh my God.
	And part of me, look, I'm no scientist, man.
	If you logged on here, ended up here somehow through some chat room or portal and you think that I am a science man, then you are a real stray animal because that's not factual.
	I'm not.
	I don't know anything about science.
	And I'm probably a part-time believer in science.
	So it depends on kind of when you catch me and how I'm feeling that day.
	But oh man, what was I talking about?
	I don't even know.
	I literally do not even know.
	I know that today's episode is brought to you by Magic Mind.
	I do know that.
	And we're very grateful for them for coming on this year, this past year.
	They are the antithesis of procrastination.
	You're tired of procrastinating and change the way you do things.
	You know, nothing changes if nothing changes.
	I heard that.
	And Magic Mind will change things.
	It is basically the organic version of coffee.
	And you can check it out at magicmind.co and use promo code Theo for 10% off to try it out.
	I got a little vial of it right here.
	That header.
	And yeah, it really puts you into a flow state.
	You know, a lot of people try to achieve flow state and to really assist yourself, that helps.
	Yeah, we're in the future.
	I mean, it's just crazy.
	Like, sometimes I start to think, what if the disease, you know, bro, first of all, think of this.
	When COVID came out, you know, whatever they called it, COVID-19.
	First of all, a lot of people thought it was a wide receiver, okay, for Texas Tech or somebody.
	People are like, damn, COVID-19, man, this shit is fucking people up.
	People are like, damn, how many touchdowns did he have, you know?
	But then it hit, remember in the beginning they put everybody on ventilators and it killed thousands of people for no reason.
	They just plugged people up to these things and we're just reverse vacuuming out people?
	We are just animals, man.
	We don't know what's going on.
	But I start to wonder what if, because I don't know how it's going to just suddenly, it's going to just disappear.
	You know, a lot of people are susceptible or questionable about the vaccine.
	And I don't blame them.
	Dude, this vaccine seems like something somebody made at the last minute to get a C. And I only say that because I'm that guy.
	I'm the dude who was writing, who was writing a book report on the bus.
	You know, I'm the dude who would find the one Asian, not even Asian, semi-Asian kid and like I beg him to give me the answers.
	And he didn't even go to our school.
	He worked near the school.
	And he still knew the answers, which was crazy.
	You know, I'm just curious.
	I mean, I'm just, you know, I'm hopeful that we get into that this year brings some answers.
	I mean, I start to wonder where virtual reality are kids going to, like, is everybody just going to move back in with their parents and do fake jobs, like do, you know, some kids just laying in his room all day with his mouth open, working 60 hours at a calendar factory?
	You know, just gluing Sundays onto A, you know, onto a sheet of paper.
	You know, I just don't know.
	I just start to wonder, like, and then the kid gets off of the thing and he just feels like he's been at work all day, but he hasn't.
	And then, what if our world, like, we don't start to be outside and do stuff anymore, and we actually just start to be in this virtual reality world.
	So then everybody starts to get virtual reality to go, you even have to have it to go to anything.
	We're all just laying on our floors with our mouths open and just going to work in our heads or doing this or doing that.
	You know, we're at a party, but where nobody's even there.
	We're all just.
	And look, virtual reality is powerful.
	It's powerful.
	Man, I went to the Fox Labs, and it's not like animal sex or anything like that.
	It's like, what is it?
	It's not like endangered species sex.
	I mean, it's like the network, the Fox Network, Fox Studios in Los Angeles.
	And they took me in the virtual reality room one time, and they showed me some of the stuff they had.
	Well, they had a game where I could see little gnomes.
	I was like in a woods, you know.
	And you could walk up to a tree and open little doors and they had like little gnomes in there would look up at you.
	They're in there, you know, brushing teeth, putting on a coat, doing deonorant.
	You know, one of them's in there sneaking a little head of pudding before bed, the little one, you know.
	And you open the little doors and peek in their tree home, and they all look up at you like they're kind of spooked.
	And then you close it and you're back out in the woods, and there's little bridges going from trees to trees in the woods, and little gnomes would run across them.
	And the little gnome would hand you a little, he'll trade you something, a little peach, you know, for something a little shoe polish.
	You know, like prison.
	You know, he'll trade you a fucking, you know, he'll trade you maybe a little bit of light oral, you know.
	Not oral sex, just, you know, just not like a kiss, but just at least whistle in my mouth or something while I touch myself.
	Kind of shit.
	But anyway, man, I don't know what I'm getting at.
	I'm just, I'm just starting to wonder what are the next futures going to look like?
	Because for me, I think I kind of evaluate the future come January 1. And that's when I start to look at the past.
	And so that's when I'm starting to wonder as I see virtual reality.
	You know, when I was young, if you want to do virtual reality, you had to do a little bit of acid.
	Hit your little LSD.
	You know?
	You know, you take a little couple grams of, you know, mushrooms, bro.
	I remember doing mushrooms at school once, and I remember I had on a green shirt, and I thought it was a snake.
	And so half the day, I spent half the day hiding from my left arm.
	And that's hard to do, bro.
	That is, I mean, that's the real rodeo right there.
	You know, I know a lot of these guys in the PBR circuit and stuff, they get out there and they do, you know, eight seconds on fiasco, that famous bull, but I'd love to see an MFer get out there on about 60 grams of psilocybin and fucking hide from his left arm.
	That's Nate.
	What else I want to think?
	Oh, I want to let everybody know, January 15th, we are doing a live show.
	It is myself and Chelsea Lynn, trailer trash Tammy.
	And it's going to be fun, man.
	She's so creative and just, she just has so much joy in her.
	You know, I mean, damn, if you, you know, you shot a missile at her, you just, joy would blow up all over everybody.
	So you'd see somebody just damn slip in a puddle of J-O-Y.
	But I'm so excited about that.
	I really am.
	And it's made me feel creative again thinking about that.
	And we've shot some sketches, and we're going to have some live performers.
	It's going to be something.
	And we're trying to pull it all off live.
	So you can get tickets now.
	The link will be at the top here in the information.
	And you'll also be able to watch it for about 10 days after that on the link.
	And it's going to be great.
	We're really putting a lot of effort into it.
	So I'm excited about that.
	I'm excited to give everybody like a cool product and just to do something fun with her and to go outside of my comfort zone.
	You know, and last year I really got in my comfort zone.
	And I just think I got scared a lot of times.
	You know, because, you know, I'd had a couple of years where my career had gotten bigger.
	And I don't know what happened this past year.
	I think I just got kind of spooked, maybe.
	I don't know.
	Stress, lost.
	Everything.
	You know me.
	Jesus Christ, man.
	I'm Hanson Land Gretel, bro.
	You know what I'm saying?
	I don't know what the fuck's going on, man.
	But I'm always missing in the woods, brother.
	But yeah, you'll be able to grab a ticket to that.
	And thank you so much for the support in advance.
	And I'm excited to do something with just really a special female talent, I feel like.
	And a special talent anyway, no matter if she has, you know, that vagina or not, Daddy Gang.
	And then some of this episode is just going to be flashbacks from the year.
	And producer Nick and our producer Sean in the Central East.
	They're going to put together some clips from the year that they really enjoyed.
	And what else?
	You know, I went home.
	I saw my family, man.
	Everybody got gold chains I got from the I rolled up at the K-Jewelers and this fella Big Anthony in there.
	Little thick fella, kind of mahogany looking guy, kind of mixed, you know, maybe could have been he was either kind of black and white or maybe Turkish, you know, kind of black and mild, I think.
	You know, some yeah, he was kind of black and mild, you know.
	He was beans, but he was rice, you feel me?
	But anyway, shout out Big Anthony over there off the interstate who hooked me up with, you know, a good deal on a decent amount of silver, brother.
	And gold.
	Actually, I stopped over there at Cole's in my hometown and bought a damn, bought everybody, got golded out in my family.
	So praise God, man.
	I'm hopeful.
	Hopeful that they all liked it and the kids got a nice piece of neckwork.
	And I got one, man.
	You know, nothing crazy, but, you know, sometimes I like to freaking flex a little.
	And that's okay, man.
	Yeah, it was, you know, I got, what else is going on, man?
	What else is going on?
	Oh, we got a really cool guest that's going to be on later this week.
	So that's going to be exciting.
	The holidays were good, man.
	I drove home.
	Dude, I went to the slowest Starbucks.
	I want to say it was in Hattiesburg, Mississippi.
	And if you haven't been to Mississippi, it's very, I mean, it is like, what is it like, man?
	It definitely, it's a little slave-y if you're in some places.
	It's a little like, like you see some of those houses where you're like, that looks a little slave-y.
	But dude, this freaking Starbucks, they had nine employees, dude.
	Or they had six employees and they had three people who I think had just bought shirts who were like maybe in like a local freaking S-Buck, you know, like a damn cheer team or something.
	I don't fucking know.
	You know, just give me a Venti, you know, just I'd never been in a place where so many people were working and nothing was happening, you know?
	And then this one fellow, this big, I mean, Husk Varna, this dude who was built like, I mean, he had, this man was built, you know, and he had that body hair.
	And he was also, I'll be honest with you, this fellow was probably homoerotic.
	And, and, because I would tell you, because each time he picked the ticket, he would say, I'm Simeon, and I'm the bad boy that's going to be handling your beverage.
	And at first, it's cute.
	It's kind of funny.
	Like, okay, okay, Simeon out here.
	You know, this MF are about to wrangle a damn, you know, a chocolate, you know, whatever it is, Spanish, you know, custard medium.
	And this shit would take forever, bro.
	The shit would take forever.
	So, anyway, I don't even have a story about that.
	I don't know.
	It's just like, if you work somewhere, then just work there.
	All you got to do, if you, it's like, customer service has gotten shitty.
	It's gotten shitty, man.
	And maybe it's just, I don't know.
	Maybe in a minute, you know, maybe I'm just complaining.
	But I had to wait 25 minutes for an iced coffee.
	And in today's society, I could understand if it's 1800 and you got to go down the street, you got to hustle the beans, you know, you got to trade your daughter's, you know, virginity for a sack of good coffee and you got to come back up.
	You got to grind it yourself.
	You know, you got to send your lady to the stream to pick up a batch of H2O.
	She's got to come back.
	You got to get a fire stick or a hot rock and beat it in the water, you know.
	I understand if that's the thing.
	But these bastards have, they're basically sitting at the mission control of coffee.
	They got machines.
	They got grinders.
	They got gravity bongs.
	They got anything you could want in there to put together coffee, flavor, or essence, and water and get you out the door.
	And this big bastard, Simeon, is over there drawing fucking wreaths, you know, damn coral wreaths or whatever, into the coffee, you know, and drawing like a lit, like a, he put one thing, he said, he told the lady it was like a, like a kiss, like a lips kiss.
	Bitch, get the coffees.
	Get the coffee, Simeon.
	Jesus, man.
	I mean, literally, I stopped.
	And I just want, I just wanted, I just shouldn't have stopped.
	I should have left.
	And that's my choice, man.
	That's my choice when I can't handle it and I stay.
	That's my choice.
	So this year, do I have any better choices?
	I just want to find more gratitude.
	I want to be more grateful.
	I should be grateful to live on a planet where I can pull over and ask nine people to help me get a coffee and a half hour later I can have one.
	I should be grateful.
	You know?
	But I had a nice time with my family, man.
	I got to see my sisters.
	I got to see my beautiful nieces.
	They're growing up.
	My sister-in-law is just a real, man, she just worked so hard to put together a nice Christmas for us.
	And I got to spend time with my mother, man, and it was nice.
	You know, it was really nice, man.
	We had a couple moments that I thought were just nice moments.
	You know.
	And I'm just proud of my mother, man.
	You know, I know she listens to this podcast, and I just want to say I'm proud of you, Ma.
	You know, I think you are, I'm proud of you.
	So I hope you know that.
	But what do we have, man, for you guys, man?
	I got my love for you.
	I love you.
	And thank you so much for being a part of this, man.
	We've been doing podcasts for over four years now, and that's a lot, man.
	What else?
	I went to jiu-jitsu a bunch the past two weeks.
	Man, if you're struggling with some stuff in your life, man, get into jiu-jitsu, man.
	I'm sure that I'll lose an arm here in the next week or two.
	And, you know, I'm sure my life won't be the same.
	I'm sure that I'm going to, you know, I'm going to have arthritis or something in a month.
	But there's just something about it.
	There's just something about it.
	So, so thank you guys, man, for being a part of my life.
	And I'm just trying to stay hopeful and excited about this new year and to just challenge, try and challenge myself.
	You know, there's things we can do where we could just look at the negative and sometimes we do that and that's okay.
	But it's nice when we can reframe it, you know, and we can also look at the good side of stuff.
	I hope that you guys all have the energy to do that in this coming year.
	And I hope that I do too.
	So, gang, baby, you know, I'm saying we can do this.
	Sometimes we think we can't, but I believe that we can.
	I'm going to turn the episode over to Nick and Sean, who are just, I'm not sure how they're going to package in clips from the year that they really enjoyed, and these are their choices.
	And I'm going to let you know also on the way out that today's episode is brought to you by Athletic Greens.
	Look, man, get Athletic Greens if you want to feel activated.
	I mean, Athletic Greens will give you Athletic Browns, baby.
	I'm telling you that.
	And they are just a real composite of the things that really tickle you.
	You know, it's like them.
	It's like almost like just them walking through a forest with your mouth open.
	And you get to the end of the walk and you look back and none of the trees have any leaves on them.
	And that's because you've been filled up with that chlorophyll impurities.
	One of the ways I've taken ownership of my health in this past last year is with Athletic Greens.
	And it is a game changer.
	Dude, you take that packet, you empty it into the water, that's what I dug you, one ice cube.
	And I'm at the age now where I refill my trays.
	People are like, how old are you?
	I'm like, I'm at the age where I refill my trays.
	Honestly, I felt like I was channeling Crystalia right there.
	I felt a little Dalia-esque.
	And happy New Year to Crystalia, too.
	I hope that he podcasts again this year, man.
	That's another thing that I hope.
	But one of the ways I've taken ownership of my health is by taking athletic greens.
	And I like it.
	You get that water.
	You get the athletic greens.
	You get the ice cube.
	You get it going.
	And you treat yourself.
	With so many stressors in life, it's difficult to maintain effective nutritional habits.
	That's true.
	I think we've started to feel like we are almost robots and we can keep going without taking care of the equipment because we see so many other things do that.
	But we are still one of the most complex and intricate machines.
	We need to take care of ourselves.
	One tasty scoop of athletic greens contains 75 vitamins, minerals, and whole food source ingredients, including multivitamin, multiminal, probiotic greens, superfood, brain food, everything.
	Get it all.
	Simply visit athleticgreens.com slash T-H-E-O and join health experts, athletes, and health conscious go-getters around the world.
	And you will also get a free year supply of vitamin D. That's right.
	Again, visit athleticgreens.com slash T-H-E-O and get your free year supply of vitamin D and five free travel packs today.
	So that's what you want to get.
	That's the deal.
	Man, I just don't want to let y'all go.
	I'm excited.
	I'm hopeful.
	I feel good today.
	You know, and I need to recognize when I do feel good and just say that and just shout it from the rooftops.
	And also to recognize this year could be the year.
	This year could be the year we settle a lot of the beefs.
	There's a lot of beef out on the street.
	You know, RV owners and people that work at Hooters.
	They beefing.
	Black people and aliens, blacks versus aliens.
	And that's a new thing.
	I've asked probably about 19 black people now, and they probably about 13 of them have said, you know, have led, you know, have kind of supported some of that, that there's a lot of black alien beef out there.
	What else?
	What else is, you know, people's beefing, other people.
	Mississippi State and whatever team they played the other day.
	You know, so hopefully some of this shit gets figured out as we head into the new year.
	But happy new year to you.
	And let's see what the boys have.
	I guess coming up now we'll have maybe a series of clips from the year.
	I'm not sure if I'm supposed to introduce that or if Nick is going to put something together, but there's a series of clips from the year that'll probably play now.
	And I wish you guys all a beautiful start to your lives and to your world.
	And it's nice to have a new beginning.
	You know, especially it's hard right now for a new year, I think, to feel kind of different because we're kind of locked into some of our same patterns.
	But I think it can.
	You know, it's like when you get new bed sheets or you get your sheets clean, that makes me feel good.
	So that's what I'm trying to imagine.
	Me just lay, just getting in there and it's nice and clean and the bed been made and it's cozied up.
	And maybe I reach under the edge of my bed and get a little skiddle, a little something, you know, something I hid under there.
	A little treat.
	One of them little laughy-taffy singles, not the long ones.
	And, you know, I like to fill my mouth with a snack before I go to bed.
	anyway yeah onward to Amsterdam
	so
	And that is a hit from Amsterdam High Six, is the name of that band.
	H-Y-S-I-C-S with that regional hit called Made in Amsterdam.
	And that's a strong.
	You could feel the beat in there.
	You could feel the undertones and the different overtones as well.
	Amsterdam, the Dutch, baby.
	The Dutch.
	By far some of the most aerodynamic people you'll ever see.
	I mean, the Dutch are downhill.
	They're downhill individuals.
	They will.
	They are in motion.
	IMD, baby, the in-motion Dutch.
	You don't see a lot of still Dutch.
	Name 70 still Dutch.
	Nobody can, brother, okay?
	They're in motion.
	Doesn't matter.
	They're on a tram.
	They're on roller skates.
	They're sewing a magic carpet and riding on it at the same time.
	The Dutch are doing things.
	If you don't have any missiles, fill your freaking Dutch buddy's mouth up with gunpowder and send him on his way, bruh.
	He'll get the job done.
	They are movers.
	Tell someone in Amsterdam to keep a secret, no problem.
	They will never stop long enough to even share what you told them.
	I mean, everywhere you go in Amsterdam, they're just on a train, on a bike, on a boat, on a bird, on a rumor, on a breeze.
	It's just the Dutch are coming and going.
	I saw a dude pass by on a Falcon, putting on skis and worried he was going to be late for a regional avalanche.
	They are on the move.
	Where are you going, brother?
	Oh, there's a ship.
	You know, there's a unicycle.
	There's a bicycle.
	Doxycycline.
	Rocky Johnson.
	I'm catching him.
	He's headed to heaven.
	Yeah, got to catch the five train, man, to a canoe, to a Uber pool that actually drains into a real pool.
	And it's a whirlpool.
	And then I'm meeting Jorin Vander Salute.
	And hopefully, the Bermuda Triangle will still be open because we got to be there.
	I can't believe they let people get high there.
	There's way too many moving parts.
	It's almost like trying to smoke a blunt in the middle of a game of Tetris on difficult.
	I mean, I can't being high there just everywhere.
	It'd be like being high in a, like, in a conveyor belt factory.
	Bruh.
	Nah, fam.
	Nah.
	Maybe, you know, catch me.
	I'll be in the hammock area.
	But Amsterdam, they, the Dutch, man, I'm telling you, they're aerodynamic for a reason because they're on the move.
	And look, if you see a Dutch person, this is how you see them.
	That's a Dutch.
	Oh, what's oh, what's that?
	Oh, that's a Dutch.
	Oh, dang.
	Man, what was it?
	Oh, a Dutch?
	Cuckoo!
	What was that?
	Oh, dang.
	Oh, ah, boom.
	What's that?
	Oh, is that hail?
	Nah, that's a batch of Dutch, son.
	The Dutch are coming and going.
	They're in motion.
	Whoa.
	Somebody just pulled the floor out from under me.
	Nah, that's a shift, son.
	That's plate tectonic Dutch.
	Beautiful city, beautiful people, but you got to be ready to move.
	To move.
	Everything's in, you know, even the cows there, they running, bro.
	They're not grazing.
	They don't.
	You'll see a cow jump over the moon.
	Dude, and do it a couple times that day.
	Everything there.
	On the go.
	You get a steak at night.
	There's no meat on it.
	This cow, damn.
	Who's this?
	Cyril Lewis?
	This thing ran right out of his own meat.
	And the steak be like a damn nogged, bruh.
	Like a beef nogged.
	You could throw it up in the air.
	And that's nothing, bruh.
	You know, you got a mouth full of ampster steak.
	Stay Dutch, baby.
	I got a debate for y'all.
	Raising canes or Chick-fil-A?
	Raising canes.
	Gang, gang, go tigers.
	Gang, bruh.
	Damn, duh.
	Raising cane, duh.
	What?
	Raising cane, duh.
	They sub, bruh.
	Damn, chick-fil-fil-a.
	Raising cane, bro.
	You tell me that is shoot.
	Oh, my God.
	No comparison.
	You tell me you make it through the Atlanta airport without hitting the Chick-fil-A, showing up at the counter, seeing the beautiful fucking girls that work at the counter.
	Admit it.
	They got the best-looking women that work at the counter.
	You know when I started eating Chick-fil-filt?
	When I came home from prison, flying in the airport.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	You fly Delta, do you?
	Yeah.
	So I was raised on Raisin.
	It's no other chicken finger.
	That was the other first other chicken finger.
	I never ate his axe.
	Yeah.
	I still ain't ate that.
	I still ain't ate that shit in Atlanta.
	I looked at it.
	I say no.
	They took my disturbane Raising Cane.
	I looked at it.
	I say, hell no.
	Because I was raised on Raising Cane.
	Like, since the first ones in Louisiana, like, I was raised there.
	Yeah.
	But, dude, Chick-fil-A, man, you get that little chicken sandwich.
	You open that bitch up.
	It's in that foil, bro.
	That thing looking at you like a little newborn baby.
	Got that pickle on its head.
	I've ate it before, but I just don't like them soggy-ass pickles.
	All right.
	Y'all got them soggy-ass pickles.
	The ice cream pretty good.
	The fucking nuggets too small.
	One of those nuggets is three McDonald's nuggets.
	Now, come on, I'll five chicken-filt-ass up.
	Now, I like chicken-filt, but they ain't messing with no raising cane, though.
	What's your idea of that, man?
	Like, truck driver wild bird meat.
	You know, do you think it might be going to his brain a little bit?
	Anyways, man, thanks, I hope you're doing good.
	Thanks, brother.
	Back at you, man.
	Oh, I think if you have a little bit of stretch, brother, ain't nothing wrong with you.
	You know, there ain't nothing wrong.
	You wake up in the morning, have a couple eggs, and I hit a stretch.
	You know?
	Not everybody gets to have ostrich, so maybe, you know, you should.
	You know, your brother's lucky to have that delicacy, baby.
	You know, some people that say you can't eat this and you can't eat that.
	And I say this, watch me.
	Okay?
	Unless you're going to come by my house and stand by my plate, I might have a little something.
	Okay?
	Sometimes I might have me a little cut of hawk.
	Alright?
	I might have me a little basket of uh or half, I might have me half a basket of seal nuggets.
	All right, y'all don't tell me what I can have and what I can't.
	Y'all never know.
	I might have a little bit of canary brittle before I shut it down for the night.
	I might have some adolescent back ribs.
	I might bring a nine in the joint and have a Popeyes chicken sandwich, okay?
	I might have something rare.
	I might have a little bit of, you know, I might have some Doberman on brioche or some carp tarts or some goldfish fillets with a little bit of reindeer remolade drizzle.
	Everybody has different desires.
	So if you got a little bit of stretch over there, if your lady's drop, you know, visiting another man and dropping off a little bit of that freaking long neck o-meat to him, well, more power to him, bro.
	That's family.
	You know, what I hate the most is when my sister drives past my house and don't bring me shit.
	So thank you for calling, man.
	And I hope everybody out there drops off some rare meat to somebody that they love.
	He does have a different accent, so maybe that's, you know, that's how they would say my name.
	A lot of French fans do.
	Yeah, that guy was from France.
	Was that guy really from France, you think, or was he just saying that?
	Yeah, he was really.
	Oh, that guy's from France.
	He had a weird sound.
	Who would just say I'm from France?
	I don't know.
	But you're right, though.
	Maybe he lied.
	He could lie.
	Yeah.
	I'm not saying he's a liar.
	Sorry, man.
	I'll say it.
	He could be.
	I'll say it.
	I'll take the pressure off you.
	And I think the mullet goes, I think we got four different types of mullet.
	What do you got back there?
	Mine's, yeah, it's growing out a little bit.
	Oh, you got that New York City mullet, dude.
	It's a little too long up top.
	Maybe if I think if I combed it all the way down, it would look more like beautiful, bro.
	Yeah, you look like a damn raccoon that's going to prime, though.
	I kind of feel like that right now, I'm not going to lie.
	It's wintertime, and like wearing this kind of shit makes my hair look like a rat's nest, but it is what it is.
	It looks great.
	I do too, man.
	I think you got some beautiful hair.
	We're like four weather.
	Dude, I used to have like Jeff Leopard hair magazines.
	Oh, it's beautiful, Hardy.
	You're doing great.
	My hat's already back on.
	I'm like, all right, anyway, what about your girl?
	Yeah, you got that bird's ass.
	I got that lead.
	Mine is a little bit more like women who prefer the company of women, I feel like.
	Mine is definitely...
	Morgan's is more mullet.
	Yours is more, I feel like, kind of.
	What is yours, Ern?
	Dude, I don't know.
	Well, when I get it trimmed upright, and let it sit down correctly.
	It's outgrown.
	I got to get Amy to cut it.
	It's actually, bro, it's actually a bullet.
	Because I do it straight.
	I don't know what you're doing.
	I like that the best.
	When I do it straight across the top and let it drop.
	Oh, the Lord will find you if you keep it like that.
	People aren't really cutting beautiful.
	Because I can put it back for a casual seller.
	I wouldn't.
	I like that.
	That's real.
	I would do that and drink out of the bird bath in the front yard, dog.
	You know what I'm saying?
	That's full prop.
	That's almost like a British.
	That's like a British sort of.
	I did this before Miley did it.
	I will say.
	He did.
	I know I did.
	And I know Miley's seen it because my name gets dropped.
	All right.
	And I know she said, who's Ernest?
	What a name.
	And looked it up and saw my haircut and said, they'll never know I took it from him.
	The majority don't.
	He's trying to get Miley Cyrus on a song.
	I'm trying to get Miley Cyrus on the phone and figure out what she figured out.
	That's what I'm saying.
	Bullet page.
	Sorry, page.
	Golly.
	I'm passionate.
	Ernest fucking heated, huh?
	Sorry.
	I drank a suicide on the way here and I'm geeked up.
	No, you remind me of my Aunt Sally, dude, right now, honestly, dude.
	100%.
	And she's badass, too, but you borrowed one of my dad's shirts one time to go swimming in the pool, bro.
	It was not made of wood.
	It was not.
	Does she smoke Virginia?
	Bro, she smoke medium-sized Virginias, bro.
	She's a bigger guy.
	Call him all Sam.
	Damn, dude.
	Damn, I look like Aunt Sally.
	I mean, bro.
	She was beautiful, too.
	She won seventh place in a beauty contest.
	But there was 30 entrants.
	There was 30 entrants.
	All right, 30's not bad.
	There was 30 entrants, dude.
	That's top third almost, you know?
	Shoot, yeah.
	Come on, buddy.
	We're in the top third.
	Dude, lips come, baby.
	Do it.
	Yes, sir.
	I don't think we even answered that guy's question yet.
	Yeah, we'll get to it.
	What's your favorite?
	What's your most excited?
	You got to tell me.
	Yeah, what's the most excited one?
	And we're going to learn.
	I didn't do it right either.
	Yeah, what's the most excited one, man?
	Damn, Morgan.
	That's a hard question to answer.
	It is, really.
	And you shouldn't have to answer something like that.
	A bee don't know nothing.
	A bee is like a blind guy with a damn hatchet.
	You know, he don't know you from Adam, bro.
	You know?
	He'll sting his fucking stepmother if you give him half a dollar.
	Like, a bee don't give a damn.
	If you crack open a bee, there ain't a damn in that thing.
	They had a fella out there who was a groundskeeper.
	And a groundskeeper basically is somebody that's homeless, but also, you know, kind of hangs out in one specific area.
	And this fella, B.I., they call him, he would, he had a glass eye or some type of textile eye.
	You know, this fella had something happen.
	You know what I'm saying?
	He lost one of them bad sightballs and somebody, you know, hooked him up with that replica.
	And he would get bees.
	There were bees everywhere.
	Bees on everything.
	There was bees on everything.
	Bees on every trash can had a thousand bees on it.
	And he would take a bee and he would sting right into his own eye with it.
	And it would freak the kids out because we'd never seen it.
	And then here you go.
	He's doing it.
	Bees, baby.
	Mother Nature's freaking pitchforkers, dog.
	And this fellow would just sting his own eye with them.
	Just take him and just sting right into his own eye because he had a, not a homemade eye, but semi-homemade.
	You know, to step up from homemade, like maybe they'd made it in home ech.
	So he had that, you know, he had that home ech eye and he would just, and if you didn't know, the new kids didn't know.
	So every time after lunch, he'd get a kid over there and get his, get a live bee and sting his own eye with it.
	The idea of anything that's like, you know, you're turning a straight guy.
	Yeah, people, that's like a fantasy that people have.
	But here's the thing.
	If you do that, are they straight?
	Right.
	That's the other thing.
	Like, there's a lot of people out there that are like, yeah, I fucked a straight guy.
	It's like, yeah, maybe not.
	Maybe not.
	Maybe they weren't being honest with you.
	Yeah, you fucked a liar.
	Yeah.
	You fucked someone who's claiming to be straight, but it's like, yeah, I know, like, I've met guys and they've been like, yeah, I've never been out on a date with a guy before.
	I'm like, that's a lie.
	Yeah.
	I'm not the guy that brings you into homosexuality.
	You've been here.
	Yeah, I'm not the gateway drug.
	I'm not the guy.
	Yeah, I'm not the one.
	Taylor Lautner, who's like, you're like, let's give it a shot.
	I'm like, you've been down the road a little bit here if you're going out with me.
	You've been down the road.
	You've had some experiences.
	You don't go straight to like meth.
	You hung out in some college party, smoked a little weed, then lost your job and decided, you know what?
	I want to taste glass in my lungs.
	Yeah.
	No, there's, there's, yeah, I'm not the gateway drug.
	I'm not like the fun party drug.
	No, so I think that the people, yeah, obviously, if it's a legit straight guy where you're like, whoa, this guy's legit straight.
	I think a lot of people are fibbing.
	Right.
	Especially in Hollywood.
	I think they're lying.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Now, do you think there's also, now we talk about drug-induced homosexuality a lot on this podcast.
	Sure, okay.
	And do you believe in that?
	That at a certain point.
	I believe in drug-induced drug addiction.
	Right.
	So I believe that you will do that.
	I believe that you will do things to get drugs.
	Right.
	But do you think, though, that people will get fucked up enough that at a certain point, like at 10 o'clock, everybody's having beers.
	Nobody's gay.
	At 1 a.m., when somebody has an eight ball of Coke in them, suddenly two guys are gay out of the group.
	And you're like, oh, this is.
	It might be that, or it might be two guys love Coke.
	Right.
	Like, like in that Tiger King thing, those guys weren't gay.
	Right.
	They went with women right after that.
	That was their.
	Right.
	Yeah.
	He was their supplier of drugs.
	I see.
	And then after that, they were like, yeah, I want to fuck women.
	So they engaged in gay activities to get drugs.
	I don't know.
	I'm not a doctor.
	Is it possible that if you're doing drugs, you start to be like...
	Yeah, but it's easier to be anything.
	When you're on drugs, it's easier to be anything.
	Like when I used to drink, I thought I had money.
	I didn't have any money.
	But I was drunk.
	So I thought, I was like, oh, it's easier to be rich.
	I'm rich.
	Here's money.
	Dinner's on me.
	I was like, it's so easy to be rich.
	I don't have any money.
	Then you soap up.
	You go, I don't actually have money.
	But when I'm drunk, I feel like I have money.
	So you act like you have money.
	I see.
	Yeah.
	So yeah, so yeah, drug-induced, anything could happen.
	Anything could happen.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, especially the drugs that they have now.
	You know, like, it's like the argument.
	It's like bath salts.
	It's like, is it easier to fight a pit bull when you're on bath salts?
	The answer is yes.
	You know, it's like, would that, but that person probably wasn't a complete stranger to that type of behavior.
	Right.
	That person's probably choked a fucking Jack Castle before.
	Yeah, that person's probably dropkicked a cat or something.
	Yeah.
	And they just got really into like fighting pits, you know, when they had.
	Yeah, so maybe for some people, it's them taking on a fear that they didn't know that they had.
	That might be it.
	Yeah.
	Do you think some people view homosexuality as a fear?
	Yeah, sure.
	I think anybody, anytime you lose control of your image, you're scared.
	So when you say you're a gay person, when you say you're a political, like if somebody says I'm a conservative or I'm a liberal or I'm a socialist or I'm gay or I'm a vegan, all of a sudden you lose control of your image.
	You lose control of your individuality because that group is associated with all kinds of things.
	Some of them are great, some of them aren't.
	So the minute that people view you as a member of a group.
	Oh, it's scary.
	And people lose their ability to manage their own image.
	And then people are like, oh, well, you're a gay.
	Are you like this?
	Are you going to act like this?
	Or whatever?
	So I think the fear is the stigma that's attached to that group.
	So for a while, there's a stigma attached to homosexuality.
	and I'm sure there still is in many parts of the country and everywhere.
	So the stigma, people fear that.
	Do, um, Probably on the apps.
	I don't really answer a lot of the app things, but yeah.
	You see that, though.
	Yeah, I do well with Mexicans.
	I don't go out with Mexicans.
	That white delight, I bet they hit on him.
	Yeah.
	And I'm not racist, but I just don't ever, like, I never.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah.
	No, I just, you know what I mean?
	I think a Mexican man would be easy to date, kind of, you know, especially because there's a language barrier.
	I've gone out with Spanish guys.
	I don't know actually, like, when you say Mexican, I think of like some guy.
	Like a 5'4?
	Just a guy in a truck.
	Okay.
	A dude in a truck who doesn't speak English.
	That's a racist thing.
	But I've never been out with, I think, with an official 100% Mexican guy.
	Right.
	But I've gone out with guys that were Hispanic.
	But a lot of guys hit on me that are like from other parts of the world.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	White people don't are not into it.
	Interesting.
	Interesting.
	I think I'm the symbol of, I think a bigger white guy is a symbol of prosperity to other races.
	Ooh, I could see that.
	Yeah, so I think, I think.
	Because you come, yeah, they're used to seeing you come to their country to like get to date to date and for sex.
	Yeah, they're like, oh, this is the guy who comes down for sex tourism.
	Let's just get him now.
	Let's just steal his wallet now.
	This is the guy who shows up on the train and looks around a little bit and nods and taps his cane on the ground.
	He's got to go to the Philippines for the food.
	So let's just rob him now.
	Let's just take his money now and he doesn't have to buy the flight.
	That's crazy.
	Yeah, you almost look like a guy who goes.
	Like FDR's grandson.
	You look like a guy that would go, you know, the Eli Roth hostel, that movie?
	I look like a guy who goes to Bratislava and who wants to just saw people in app and then just goes back to his bank job and just sit back on the golf course, just hitting balls.
	Just like, yeah, I went away.
	There's a great little spot you can go and just saw people's limbs off.
	Great tacos.
	Yeah, good tacos, a lot of fun.
	So I think those people see me and they're like, oh, good.
	You know, fat white guy, maybe prosperous.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, that's totally wild.
	Yeah, you seem like the guy who made like the monopoly, that old guy, like his son, like kind of one of his sons.
	I'm the guy that didn't earn the money, but somehow I have it.
	Yeah.
	Like I didn't earn it.
	I didn't come up with the thing.
	Yeah.
	But like I'm Orville Redenbacher's great-grandson.
	Yeah.
	And we just made my living.
	Lonnie Redenbacher.
	Lonnie Redenbacher.
	I just made my living popping corn.
	And I just sit at the local bar and I'm real free with my opinions.
	And I've never earned a dollar in my life.
	I've never earned an honest dollar in my life.
	And I'm just living off popcorn money from like four generations ago.
	Oh, man.
	That's great.
	It's like being on your Twitter, dude.
	Yeah.
	That's good.
	That's what I look like.
	Yeah.
	But again, you can't control your image.
	Right.
	I just look racist.
	I look like a...
	Yeah.
	I look like a cop who shot a toddler.
	Ooh, yeah.
	But you look like the cop that are like, whoa, how'd this guy get on?
	Like, this guy.
	How did he get on the force?
	Yeah.
	How do you, how did he?
	Like, if you've been on the force for eight years, it's like, oh, yeah, he's been on the force for eight years.
	But if he just got on the force.
	How did it even happen?
	Yeah.
	How did it even happen?
	Who did he bribe to get it?
	We'd steal some liquor during the day and go bury it in the sand and then go get it back at night like turtles do.
	And so then we'd dig it up at night and go drink it.
	And then we'd meet up with strangers on the beach, strange women.
	I met this girl that was in the Wiccan one time, Witchcrafter.
	What the fuck?
	And me and.
	She wasn't into it.
	She was in it.
	She was doing it.
	She was literally walking on the beach in the middle of the night.
	No, man.
	At age 15, dude.
	And we fucked, I don't know what we did, but we did something, man.
	That is always the creepiest story.
	And especially on the receiving end.
	As a kid, it's a cool story.
	But when you're a father and your kids come back from the beach saying that shit, because my son did it in Maui, they came running back in.
	They're like, oh, we met some dudes on the beach.
	I'm like, what the fuck?
	What do they look like?
	Like, well, you don't hang out with dudes at the beach.
	No, they were cool, dad.
	No, no, they weren't.
	Yeah.
	No man talking to 15-year-old kids is cool at the beach.
	That's true, man.
	Dude, when I think back, because we had this fellow named Richard Langenstein, and the listeners know this, and this fellow was eventually convicted or semi-convicted pediophile.
	But when I was young, he was just this cool guy that we went to smoke weed with and would buy steaks.
	Did you fall asleep a lot?
	Did you fall asleep around this guy?
	Dude, there's a couple of half memories that I have that I don't want to read all the way through.
	Yeah, yeah, don't go through.
	I don't want to read the second half of the book.
	But at the time, we thought it was so cool that he drove one of my friends to Vegas for the weekend, right?
	Like, pretty sketchy.
	Right there, right there.
	Religious brother, accused of moles and student.
	But this was after.
	And you knew him.
	Oh, yeah, dude.
	I used to smoke weed with that fella, man.
	He was a teacher at our school, man.
	He was a teacher?
	I introduced him to like half of my friends.
	What the fuck?
	So here's what I didn't even realize, man.
	I was a freaking like a penis mule for this guy.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Yeah, you were bringing him in.
	Yeah, it is because I met him at school.
	He was a substitute teacher.
	You were like that girl on Smallville, Allison Mack.
	Yeah, yeah.
	I was a recruiter.
	You should be serving 120 years right now, P.O. Free Ghelane, dude.
	But anyway, but at the time, it's so crazy at the time how I thought, oh, it's so cool.
	It's so normal.
	I'm just, I'm lucky we met this cool guy.
	Now when I think about it, okay, if at 40 I'm smoking weed with a 15 year old.
	Yeah.
	I'm not doing that.
	No, man.
	It would be insane to do that.
	It doesn't even make sense.
	No.
	It's so wild how from the other side of the class.
	That's what I'm saying.
	It's so clear.
	You got to remember, I'm taking responsibility of all my nephews.
	Like I've told their parents, I got it.
	Don't worry.
	They're going to be safe.
	And they come running back into the house and they're like, yo, we met these dudes, man.
	Duncan took a hit.
	Like my oldest nephew took a hit.
	I'm like, what the fuck are you doing?
	What are you guys doing?
	What's going on?
	Why would you do that?
	Who are these guys?
	Duncan just disappeared.
	Yeah.
	Duncan got his nails done by some guy.
	I feel weird if I hang out with Gianni.
	He's only 24. Yeah, that's a good point.
	That's eight Years that it feels weird, 15?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, man.
	If I get a DM or anything like that, it's always like, hey, man, thank you so much, kid.
	Tell your mom and dad I said hi.
	I swear to God, I don't.
	Bubba, bubba.
	I mean, hey, tell your father, Mr. Coy, says thank you.
	All right, man.
	Do your homework.
	It's sketchy now, especially, dude.
	Hell no.
	I'll ask a girl straight up if they're going to try to meet to me or not.
	Yeah, you should.
	Yeah.
	Just so I have it in writing.
	Yeah.
	You know?
	Yeah, that's good.
	Like, wait, this girl's meet to me and said she wasn't going to meet to me.
	Yeah, wait a minute.
	You said clearly you weren't.
	Yeah.
	What?
	Yeah, what's going on here?
	That coronavirus, man.
	COVID-19.
	Well, I don't know if you guys know or not, but the primate center that I grew up around in Covington, Louisiana, and where I, you know, they had us out there wrangling chimps.
	And when I was probably, I don't even know.
	Just, I don't even know how tall I was, maybe titty high on a middle-aged woman.
	You know, top of the titty, but, you know, they gave that same center where monkeys escaped in my hometown growing up.
	They gave them $40 million to fight this virus.
	Or to try and cure it.
	Dude, I'm telling you this, man.
	In my town, bro, they ain't curing shit, man.
	You know what I'm saying?
	No doubt.
	I'm not saying, but look, they got a Popeye's four blocks from the freaking primate center.
	They ain't, nobody's curing shit around there.
	I'm not saying they're not doing a decent job or this or that or they're not going to test and do the test and stuff.
	But look, if you come down by the Chufuncta River and you expect us to solve it all, save the world, we're not doing that.
	We don't do that.
	We want the monkeys to have a little fun.
	We want everybody to flare up a little.
	We're doing Mardi Gras.
	We're doing recipes.
	We ain't doing all of the bullshit.
	Saving everybody.
	That's not us.
	Somebody has to go.
	Somebody has to go to heaven.
	Somebody has to go to hell.
	I grew up in the stray animal belt.
	So you come down and you can pump $200 billion.
	You could put a billion dollars in.
	$200 billion, baby.
	Or $1 billion.
	And look, I'm telling you, you'd be better off just buying you a dozen of fresh oyster with a little bit of bread pudding dessert and calling it a wrap, son.
	And save you, monkey.
	And save you money, too.
	Learn the dirty behaviors.
	The M-word.
	First time I ever heard the N-word, I was in first grade, and these black kids came into our neighborhood.
	We lived in a poor white neighborhood, and there was a poor black neighborhood across Nebraska.
	Not Nebraska.
	I forget.
	Well, dude, that's pretty far then.
	No, no, no, no.
	That was the street name, not the.
	Oh, right on, bro.
	Yeah.
	And so.
	Damn, this dude did not live by black people.
	He said they fucking lived a state away.
	I'm like, wow.
	They were in Nebraska and we were in Florida.
	And it was scary, man.
	I got to be honest with you.
	It was touch and go at times.
	Yeah, dude.
	I mean, we heard stories.
	Oh, yeah, the rumor mill.
	I saw a note in a bottle one time in the river.
	It was crazy.
	Watch out for the blacks.
	They're coming and they yell up on your shoulder real quick.
	Yeah.
	That's crazy, man.
	Oh, the N-word?
	Somebody said it?
	So these black kids lived across this main street from us, and then they came into our neighborhood, I guess, and stole my football.
	My football had a Duke Jr. with a shoelace, a tan shoelace as the strings we used to play in the street.
	And so the string for the shoelace ripped.
	My dad replaced it with a tan shoelace.
	It was very distinguishable.
	And a little part.
	We couldn't tie it.
	So there was a little part of the shoelace sticking out.
	So they came into our neighborhood and they asked if they wanted to play some football.
	And they had my football.
	And these two brothers, Daryl and Darren, like, yo, they must, I mean, when I remember this story, I feel like they're 18, 17. They're probably just like 10 and 11. Yeah.
	And I was six.
	Yeah.
	And they were like, yo, this is football.
	And they're like, no, this is his football.
	This little other little black kid.
	And they're like, fight him for it.
	And I was like, I'm first grade.
	I was not fighting anyone.
	I was wearing a loincloth and knee-high moccasins.
	Oh, yeah.
	And so, um.
	Danny's fighting your sexuality, bro.
	My dad's like, get him some knee pads.
	He's going to be sucking dick.
	So, uh, so so.
	And he's going to need knee pads to do it.
	What a pussy.
	That's the crazy part, man.
	What about the good old days, man?
	When you would suck dicks.
	You get on your knees when you suck a dick.
	Be a man about it.
	Yeah, bro.
	Support the union.
	You freak.
	What kind of gay guy puts on knee pads?
	Yeah.
	Dick like a man, man.
	A backup gay dude.
	Do you mind if I pull my socks up?
	Oh.
	Oh.
	That's hilarious.
	Oh, my God.
	Both my socks up.
	I don't want to skin my knees when I suck your dick.
	Go ahead, buddy.
	Whatever you got to do.
	Whatever you got to do, man.
	Do you mind if I pull my pants down for some cushioning on my knees?
	Oh, fuck.
	What if I take my shirt off and just tie it around both of my knees?
	Hey, is it cool if I take my shoes off and put my knees in my like, damn, dude?
	I don't even think you shouldn't even be gay, little guy.
	Anyone who does that, you're like, this is your first time sucking dick.
	You do this a lot.
	Just sitting on your fit and kneeling on your fingers.
	Bro, actually, if you had to blow some, dude, that's not a bad, like, I would go through all of those things before you got to have some ways to get out of it.
	I've gotten down on my wife on the side of the bed with my knees on the wood floors.
	And I'm like, grab a pillow, put them under your knees.
	Yeah.
	but anyway, so these black kids come in the neighborhood and they're like, fight this kid.
	And I was like, I've never been in a fist fight, I don't want to be in a fist fight.
	And then Daryl and Darren looked at me like, Are we going to have to do this for you?
	And I was, in my head, I was like, give him the fucking ball.
	I don't care.
	My dad already bought me a new one.
	And then they got in a fight.
	They get into a fight.
	Daryl fights one of the dudes or Darren.
	One of the, one of the younger one fights a black dude.
	And they're all, it's like, it's like five black kids and then seven white kids or eight white kids, more white kids because our neighborhood.
	And the dad comes out and the dad starts chanting, fight, fight.
	And we're in a white.
	White don't win.
	We all jump in.
	And I am, and I, and then he's hitting me.
	It's your ball, motherfucker.
	Chant it, chant it.
	And here I am, just some first grader in a loincloth and knee-high moccasins, just fight, fight.
	And then I said, then I said the word in front of my dad and it was fucking over.
	Really?
	Oh, it was.
	Your dad fought him?
	No, no, no.
	My dad took me down to their fucking house, walked me down, stood in the fucking thing.
	I said, don't ever talk to my son.
	Don't ever.
	I told my dad if it didn't happen.
	They stole my ball.
	This is what he asked me to say.
	Don't ever talk to my son.
	And we moved out of that neighborhood month later.
	Month later, we were out of that fucking neighborhood.
	When I was growing up, you knew not to say the N-word.
	If somebody beat your ass, that's how you knew.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Like, that was the litmus.
	It was like, that's how you learned about it.
	It was like, oh, somebody said it.
	Somebody got their ass beat.
	And then that was it.
	It's so funny, man.
	I never heard it.
	Like, I mean, I heard it when I was, when we lived in that neighborhood, and then I never heard it in our new neighborhood, never heard it.
	And then I never, I never heard it.
	I heard it a little bit in high school, but we had a black friend, Cari Brown, and all the kids that grew up with him would drop the word, but as a, like, not, not derogatory, just as like a joke.
	If it was the punch, like in a Louis EK way, if it was the punchline of a joke, meaning towards Cari or but very lighthearted.
	And they were like guys that he grew up with his whole life.
	And then I heard a lot in college.
	I heard it fucking, I went to Florida State and we were segregated.
	It was like Famu in Florida State.
	So I heard it a lot in college.
	Famu was more black college?
	100%.
	Yeah.
	And I used to drive the black chicks.
	They'd call.
	They always lived in one dorm.
	It's so funny.
	I ran into this woman the other day who went, a black chick my age, who went to Florida State and I said, hey, do you ever take Safe Escort?
	That's what I drive them around campus in like a K car.
	Do you remember a K car?
	Pull up a K-car, can you?
	It was like the fucking biggest beater you could ever have.
	I think it's called a K-car or a Q-car.
	It's like an old.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	That was it.
	Oh, yeah, Renault.
	That's a Renault, isn't it?
	Chrysler K. But it was white.
	And so, and man, they would, what would happen is you knew if the black chicks called on a Saturday night, because it was just taking people to the library is where you're supposed to go.
	Okay.
	But if the black chicks called on a Saturday night, you knew they wanted to go to Famu from Florida State.
	Okay.
	And we weren't allowed to drive to Famu.
	But once they got in the car, you had to take them wherever they went.
	So what would happen was they go, we have a pickup at Debane Hall.
	Based on 111, I have a pickup at Debane Hall.
	Her name's LaQuisha.
	And you go, okay.
	You'd be like, is it how many passengers?
	And they're like, just one.
	That's what they say.
	And so you'd pull up, and then she'd like wave to you, and you go, hey.
	And as she waved, they'd pile in the other side of the car and sink it in.
	They go, we're going to fam you, bitch.
	I loved it, though, because I love hip-hop.
	So I would just talk hip-hop with them the entire time.
	I learned about Wu-Tang Clan that way.
	I bought the Method Man album through them.
	I learned about Suave House, MJG and 8 Ball.
	Damn.
	It was like the funnest for me because I loved hip-hop.
	Oh, yeah.
	And so we would just, I'd be like, what are you guys listening to?
	And I was driving them for like fucking 20 minutes.
	And y'all were listening to what?
	There was no player and there was no player in there.
	Sometimes they'd have.
	And we all wearing seatbelts and everything?
	Oh, there'd be so many people in those seatbelts.
	I was back when seatbelts were like Who wore seatbelts?
	I see my kids put on seatbelts.
	I'm like, what do you guys need knee pads for blowjobs?
	You got to put your shoes in, your knees, and your ASICs where you blow a guy, huh, kid?
	Take out your inserts.
	You know, I took some biscuit out there to the lake to feed to some ducks.
	And you know me, man, if I'm in a new area, I like to get acclimated with the animals, bro.
	I'll pet an animal, you know.
	I'll pick a snail up and walk three or four feet and set him down.
	You know, save him fucking five days of travel.
	That's who I am.
	You know, I'll pet a dog.
	I'll whistle at a falcon.
	I'll fucking, you know, I go out and feed a duck.
	I see a duck.
	I feed a duck.
	And I give a duck bread, right?
	So anyway, I'm feeding them.
	Next thing you know, I start getting, I put on my Instagram story, I start getting DMs, people angry.
	You can't give them bread.
	You can't give them bread, you know?
	They'll die.
	You know, they'll eat, oh, this is what they said.
	Oh, if you give them bread, they get too jacked up on energy and they will rape each other.
	Look, man, I'm not doing all of that.
	I took a half a biscuit and went out there to treat these animals to get acclimated to the area.
	If somebody else, if they're doing all of it, you know, I'm not doing part of sexual abuse for animals.
	I'm not doing any of this.
	If they don't want bread, they just shouldn't come eat it.
	That's not on me.
	People attacking me.
	You're going to hell, bread boy, and then sending me two caskets and a picture of a duck.
	Emojis, man.
	That's Mother Nature, man.
	If there's a glitch in her pattern, she will work it out.
	And these ducks look like they wanted the bread.
	That's the thing.
	You know, it's like, oh, they can't digest it.
	They will rape each other.
	Well, look, man, I didn't come to town to be part of that.
	It's a wild thing somebody wants to have in there when they die.
	Somebody throw in a little can of ruffles or somebody put a little couple star bursts in there or something.
	Okay, you know, it's not uncommon.
	Big thing, a lot of people will take cigarettes with them, you know, because you take somebody who's smoking.
	Yeah, boy.
	You know, they'll put that, you know, cigarettes in that shirt pocket.
	You're going to want that smoke.
	If I'm dead, bruh, light me up a damn 100, baby.
	You know what I'm saying?
	I'm burning a fucking Winston, dog.
	If I'm dead, man, I ain't milling around.
	You know, I've had, you know, a lot of people put pictures of themselves.
	and what about a joint?
	Somebody sneak a joint in there sometimes.
	I'm not going to say that that's never happened because, you know, when we're standing back up there and the family goes up for their final viewing, there's no telling what they can stick in there.
	You know, I've had some very interesting stuff.
	You know, I had somebody request to be buried with their shotgun.
	Amen.
	You know, so they took their shotgun with them.
	You know, what about, can they, now if somebody requests to be buried with an eight ball, you know, and I'm not talking bowling, I'm talking that cocaine, baby.
	Can you make, can you make, do you have to do that?
	Well, the thing about it is, since that would be an illegal drug, you know, we wouldn't be required to do that.
	But, you know, if somebody, if somebody were to bring that in and, you know, stick it up under the foot of the casket, you know, I'm not, I don't keep a drug-sniffing dog at the funeral home.
	So it might just go on through, you know, it might just go with them.
	It might go with them.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, that's one thing.
	There's no TSA when you're flying up to heaven, man.
	That's right.
	That's right.
	You're not going to be searched.
	Now, what's the wildest thing somebody's put in there?
	Somebody ever put something that's a little too big in there?
	You know, somebody tried to put a little chainsaw or a leaf blower or something if somebody died doing a, you know, during a dangerous, you know, leaf blowing or something, you know?
	You know, I've never put, I don't think, any power tools in there.
	I'd go with a damn sander or something, you know.
	So what are you going to use that sander for?
	Who knows?
	But I'll tell you this.
	If you show up and you're the only dude with the sander, you're going to be steady working.
	That's right.
	But we're not supposed to work in the afterlife.
	But I'm sure there's a couple opportunities to make a little bit of a bus.
	You always want a side hustle, don't you?
	Can somebody get buried with their money if they want to?
	If they want to bring it in, they can get buried with it.
	Have you ever had somebody that that was their request and they put it in there?
	Not all their money.
	You know, I've had people, you know, want to get buried, you know, with, you know, granddaddy always kept a, you know, a $2 bill or, you know, he always had change in his pockets, you know, didn't want to go anywhere without a little money.
	You know, I've had that, but I've never had anybody say, we're going to put a million dollars in this casket.
	Yeah.
	Because, you know, then you, then you get to the age-old question.
	If you put a million dollars in there, let's say you put a million dollars in there in cash.
	And then if somebody were to take the cash and write you a check for it, you've still got a million dollars.
	So nobody normally puts cash in there.
	They just.
	Maybe we'll put a check.
	Yeah.
	So I guess if you wanted, I guess if you wanted to go with a million dollars, we could write you a check for a million dollars because you wouldn't be able to cash it.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I'd rather send the check.
	Yeah.
	Just in case later you decide, dang, I wish I had that cash.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Have you ever stolen anything from anybody?
	No, sir.
	No, sir.
	That'd be bad for business.
	Yeah, it'd be bad for business.
	You know, I don't understand why are we going to space all the time?
	We can't handle shit here.
	You know, two out of seven Americans can't swim.
	And we out there getting in the deep end of the galaxy with no floaties on, bro.
	You see what they send these dudes out there in?
	This thing like a damn 84 Chevy Blazer sometimes, the thing they send these dudes out there.
	You know, I just don't understand what we're doing.
	It's so lit, like, I'm not saying it's not fun to think about what's out there, but I just, all the, just sending people to space.
	We send two dudes out of Florida.
	A couple spring break addicts every time.
	Down here in Florida, we blasting two bad boys out there.
	It's like, come on.
	Going to space.
	The moon.
	That's the thing.
	Oh, we had a couple fellas on the moon.
	Dude, being on the moon is kind of like that guy that gets on your, like at a pool party who gets up on the roof of the house.
	He's like, come on and look at me.
	Bro, you ain't doing much up there, buddy.
	There ain't nothing up there for you, man.
	And it seems like a cool idea.
	He's climbing up.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Then he gets up there.
	It's like, man, there's no vending machines.
	There's only the opportunity for real failure.
	You know, there's only, you're going to end up in the white section of world star hip-hop videos, daddy.
	I'm just saying, man, it's time to get back to the roots.
	We got to focus on our own little space that's going on here.
	This chief calling from Texas.
	What's up, Chief?
	What up, Chief, boy?
	And you know, this fella probably huffing on that bag.
	You don't get the name Chief these days.
	Chief used to be a Native American superior term.
	If you're a captain of the Native Americans.
	If you basically this, you know, the Chris Pratagawea.
	If you're a real, you know, if you that top dog in the feather, in that feather club, then you would get that name Chief.
	But more recently, Chief is more of a, okay, you know, little Gary does a lot of Chief in that, hey, sucking on that gas, bro, puffing that, that goo-goo, that herb, baby, that, that weed, huffing that nasty, nasty.
	You know, he huffing that fuck, you know, Mr. McGregor's gunpowder, dog.
	I'm talking about marijuana.
	I'm talking about that puff, puff.
	I'm talking about that to your brain, that dope weed.
	Onward?
	I was watching the podcast, the fucking Ladies' Night one.
	Whatever the fuck that was.
	Yeah, it was Ladies' Night, brother.
	Onward?
	Watching that shit just now.
	You said, what do you think is going to go Away in the near future, talking about people getting their temps taken and shit like that.
	Right.
	We were talking about people last on last episode, we were talking about people getting their temperatures taken when you go to an event.
	You know, you go somewhere, and now in the future, they might, you know, take your temperature, check if it's snot.
	They might, you know, touch your kid's little ass or something, see if it's hot.
	See if you bringing in a little Timothy or whatever with that hot ass.
	Because you can't do it.
	You can't do that.
	You're not going to be able to do that as well.
	You bring in that up temperature Tempathy.
	It's not going to go over well with others.
	Let's hear more, brother.
	Thank you for the call.
	What's going to go away, I think, you know, you're not from Texas like I am, you know, but they probably had 10 or 15 Mexican restaurants in Louisiana.
	What's going to go away, though, is chips and queso and chips and salsa, son.
	That shit is done.
	That's not going to be on the menu no more, son.
	Unless you get it individually, it's not an appetizer no more.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Because what's everybody doing?
	They're getting the chips.
	Bringing chips to the gist.
	Putting it straight in their mouth.
	Going back to the chips.
	Going back to the gifts.
	Putting back straight in their mouth.
	Damn.
	Lean with it.
	Rock with it, huh?
	No, you can't sanitize every time you touch a chip.
	You know what I mean?
	Them chips are just going to be too salty after a while.
	So yeah, R.I.P.
	to R.I.P.
	to queso insults the gang gang.
	Gang, bro.
	Man, wow.
	I hadn't thought about that.
	Yeah, each person will have to bring a couple of their own chips from home.
	But yeah, you can't have that group.
	You can't have that swimming pool in the middle of the table.
	That little cheese fucking strip mall in the middle of the table and everybody's just scooping in, getting this.
	Picking up a pair of Adidas or picking up a pair of Motorola or something or get some speakers or some fucking Chinese food.
	That Chang Chop, you know?
	Hmm.
	That's going to be interesting, man.
	Yeah, that could be one thing that could go away.
	Now you got to bring in a couple chips from home or something.
	You got to write, you know, your name on a chip.
	Darren.
	You know, Lil Ricky.
	And Lil Ricky got four chips.
	You know, and Darren got nine chips.
	Darren's big ass got nine chips.
	And Ector.
	Ector over there, and you know, he got, you know, chips running his family, so he got 40 chips.
	Come on, Hector.
	No, you got 40 chips, bro.
	Shoot the nine-pointer, Papa.
	And I can't imagine y'all aren't doing swinging, and there's a lot of swinging out there in the Midwest, too, especially in Missouri.
	Do you encounter any of that?
	Hey, do you hear any stories of it?
	Is there any no, actually, if there's it, mostly what I see is men that are single out there picking up the lot lizards.
	Okay.
	You know, and they'll get what they want and then send them on their way.
	Then they stop to the next truck.
	You got to worry about them girls sometimes because I've been told that they can actually lay underneath your trailer.
	And as you're coming out to say, if you're a man, you're standing out there taking a piss.
	They cut your ankle.
	They can cut you.
	Cut you in the back of the ankle like on the hostel.
	Rob your ass, just like hostile.
	And that's, you got to watch them.
	I've watched them at night when I'm just pulling in and it's two o'clock in the morning.
	And it's been raining.
	I'll see, you know, it's actually raining.
	There's a woman walking around in a pair of shorts and high heels.
	And she's tapping right over.
	Well, it's dark.
	Can't really tell.
	That helps.
	But you see her, you know, going from door to door to door to truck to truck to truck.
	And then the next thing you know, she disappears for about 20 minutes.
	Then she's out again.
	You'll see a light on in the truck.
	That's the dome.
	Then you know that's how it's like.
	That's the dome on the car.
	I know what you're doing.
	And then she'll come out, but I've seen them walk around the trucks like they're looking for shit.
	Right.
	Or maybe they're going to disconnect something or pull something.
	You got to watch them because you don't know what they're doing.
	Started running into this same fella in a car right up alongside of me, just grinning and a waving, you know, from his car.
	And I'm like, hey, how you doing?
	And I'm driving on, you know, next thing I know, he's blowing his horn.
	So I glance down and he's got his junk hanging out.
	Oh, wow.
	Okay.
	His penis, huh?
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	Oh, wow.
	Then he backs off.
	Okay.
	Then he comes back up alongside of me again.
	He's grinning even bigger this time.
	Oh, yeah.
	His pants are down to his knees this time.
	Okay.
	Well, I'm sitting here just driving, you know, like literally wanting to put my hand next to my face, you know, and just kiss here because I'll slow down, you know, for them to speed up a little bit.
	Then they'll go back and then they'll keep alongside of me the whole time, no matter what I'm doing.
	Oh, yeah.
	Regardless of the traffic that's going on around us.
	It's just you and them in the world, huh?
	It's like I was slow dancing.
	I saw this guy five separate occasions.
	Same stretch of 65 in Indiana.
	And I named him Jerk Off Jim.
	Oh, yeah.
	He's out there, huh?
	He painted the steering wheel.
	Yes, he did.
	What color?
	The white.
	Ooh.
	That body glaze, I bet.
	Damn, nasty.
	So now you can see his penis.
	Now, can you see from the truck from your?
	Oh, yeah, it's the perfect view.
	You can see over to the driver's side.
	I can see everything.
	Wow.
	Inside of a vehicle.
	A four-wheeler.
	So if I'm driving, right, and I have my penis out.
	Yes.
	Can you, and you're in a rig?
	Yes.
	How can you see my wiener?
	Can you see it through the front window?
	No, it's from your side window, the passenger side.
	You can see from the passenger, from a river.
	You're passing me?
	Wow.
	So you're passing me in the fast lane.
	I'm in the slow lanes, two-lane highway, like I-65 is through Indiana.
	Yeah, I could see everything inside of your vehicle.
	Your back seat, front seat, driving.
	So if I put my penis out, you could see it.
	I could see everything.
	That's awesome.
	I could almost count the hairs.
	Oh, wow.
	Almost.
	Hell yeah.
	I didn't know y'all had such good sights.
	Oh, it's a hell of a view.
	It's the upstairs view from, you know, seeing y'all from downstairs.
	It was like, remember when you got one of those shitty sprint phones, those Next Tails or whatever?
	But you could only, you could call people, but then you could just talk to, also you could talk to one person.
	So you could call anybody you wanted, but then you'd be in the middle of a call like, yeah, everything's going good.
	And then your cousin or somebody, fire department, whoever, the only other person that had the walkie, your girlfriend.
	She's like, we need some fucking milk.
	And you'd be like, honey, hold on, buddy.
	Remember that thing, that next hell?
	We need some fucking milk, Randall.
	You're like, oh, oh, fuck.
	Oh, hold on, Damien.
	Oh, must be, lines must be crossed up.
	And then you slick, sneak, click over.
	Sorry, I'm saying, hey, I'm sorry.
	I'll be right there.
	There's a long line.
	There ain't no fucking line.
	You're lying.
	Oh, I'm sorry, man.
	I gotta go, bruh.
	Remember that fucking next telebitch was bright orange, dude?
	It looked like they had it colored because it looked like you were going to need to be rescued.
	Like anytime you get that bright colored shit, bro, that's fucking...
	Like, oh, look at this.
	Don't you want this hot orange?
	And that shit is hot orange.
	Like, the hottest orange you could get is $3, $3.40 for this.
	7XL.
	And it's like a fucking V-neck.
	V-neck in the front, turtleneck in the back.
	You're like, what?
	And it's hot, hot orange, bro.
	And it's always usually a, it's only a black dude could wear it.
	Let's be honest, bro.
	Only a black dude could wear it.
	And they'll look good in it, man.
	It'll be triple lime.
	That's the color you'll see on the thing.
	It'll be bright, bright green.
	The kind of shit, like you can't.
	The guy, like if you drive past it on the interstate, it's obviously the definite manager of the guy who is doing the construction.
	It's that, it's like triple lime.
	And it's size 14, double medium, bro.
	And that bitch got two arms in the front.
	It's got an arm out the back for exhaust, like heat exhaust.
	This shit is, I don't know what we're talking about, bright colors.
	They got bright colored shit.
	And it's mostly, it's predominantly a lot of times for the urban community, let's be honest, bro, because they look good in it.
	You know?
	If white people wear really bright colored shit, it look like they need to be rescued.
	For real talk.
	Look, black people wear something, oh, that's triple lime.
	Oh, Ernie got that triple lime header on.
	Oh, oh, he must be getting married, you know.
	Oh, he got that triple lime fucking overcoat with that double vanilla cumber bun, bro.
	Oh, he must be doing a wedding.
	I don't know what a crepe is, but I didn't care.
	Once I saw this lady working there, I said, all right, you know, I'll lead him until, you know, she and I are married if I have to.
	They had a girl in there, and I saw her, and, you know, I made some small talk, and it was awkward because we both had masks on, you know.
	Having a mask on, it's kind of like the beginning of like Shrek or whatever.
	You know, because you don't know how anybody really, you're not getting the full package.
	You're just kind of getting that Japanese package of somebody, you know, kind of snout up or mid snout upwards.
	You know, you're kind of getting that, you know, like everybody's kind of a desert nine.
	You know, when they got that Middle Eastern, you know, a lot of Middle Eastern women, they wear the kind of that word yarmul, whatever it is, that that muffler.
	You know, they wear that front muffler.
	You can't see them.
	I was in Saudi Arabia one time at the airport, and they had a man there, and fat fella, I'll be honest with you, he really was.
	And I had, if I could think of another word to describe him, I would use it.
	But I cannot.
	And this man was what you would call a fat fella.
	And he had about five women with him, all of his wives, and they all had on that, you know, just that little kind of, they're all wearing like a what's behind door number one kind of curtain right on their face.
	You know, you can't see them all.
	So that's called that Desert 9, you know, or that Desert 8. Everybody's kind of a Desert 9 when you can only see the eyes.
	So she said, I don't know what she said.
	She might have, who knows?
	She could have been calling the police.
	But I was like, oh, do you, you know, maybe we should watch the fight sometime?
	And that was kind of weird because I don't even know kind of how she responded.
	If she was like, yeah, or maybe.
	And then I was like, oh, do you have a boyfriend?
	And that's how I said it too.
	Like, do you have a boyfriend?
	Like, I just got so just, I was just strung up.
	You know, just like when you see a rabbit and he's got one of his legs caught in the wire.
	You know, do you have a boyfriend?
	And that's how I was verbally.
	You know, I was that verbal kind of hung rabbit.
	And then she'd like given me like my plate and fork and knife that comes with your food that you order.
	And you just go sit down at your table and then it comes out.
	And I was the only person in there.
	So now I have to sit and I, this is where I really messed up.
	I sat facing the counter.
	I sat facing her at the counter.
	And then I had to sit there and just eat a crepe, which is the loneliest, saddest thing you can eat as a rejected man.
	It almost feels like one of those Japanese game shows, like, oh, you lost.
	You eat the crepes, you know?
	And so I'm sitting there just eating this sad, every bite tasted like this girl did not like me.
	But I did it.
	I did it.
	I went in there.
	I asked her out.
	I didn't get, she didn't, there was no option.
	And I asked her her name again, and then I sat and point blank ate a crepe in front of this woman.
	Very, very sad.
	So I went to the park this morning to get a little bit of heat, a little free heat from the sunshine, you know?
	A little bit of that vitamin D, straight from the vitamin G-O-D.
	You feel me?
	I'm talking straight off the tit of the Lord, the sky, and just catch that free heat right in my face and neck.
	This man, I heard this old man, he's like, he goes, Charlie, get over here.
	Charlie, get over here.
	And I thought it was two, you know, kind of drug-induced or, you know, drug-induced homosexual men doing, you know, splitting up a, you know, a gram or a vial of a vial of speed.
	But then I look over and this man, who I'll be honest, this man looked like duty, bro.
	This man looked like just man, just real, just, just duty, duty.
	And he's yelling at this dog.
	Because the dog smelled something or saw this.
	And the dog, he's over there, he's investigating.
	You know, he might have a little bit of hound in him or a little bit of investigator gadget or whatever that guy's name was.
	Remember that show?
	But the dog, you know, he's sniffing on an orange peel or doing something, you know, or smelling a park needle or something or whatever.
	And the man's like, shorts, get over.
	Just yelling at him.
	And Charlie, first of all, Charlie was way healthier.
	This man looked like, just first of all, looked like somebody had shaved his whole body with like a one or like a one and a half.
	He had a fade like on his arms, shoulders, everything.
	Just real bristly looking dude.
	Kind of guy, he looked like he was like a pipe cleaner.
	You know what I remember pipe cleaners?
	Remember in school, sometime if you was one of the weirdo kids and they at the art class, they would give you these pipe cleaners and say, hey, do something with this.
	And you'd be like, well, what do I do?
	They'd be like, ah, we don't know.
	Just do something.
	We're hoping you graduate soon because nobody can stand you, you know?
	And yeah, this dude, I'm thinking, man, this dog.
	And then, so then the dog comes over by me.
	And now I'm kind of pissed because I'm sitting there trying to do a little bit of legal work or whatever, you know, writing stuff and drawing.
	And this man's, Charlie, leave him alone.
	So I said, dude, I said, Charlie ain't messing with me, man.
	I said, you messing with me by yelling.
	You're messing with everybody, sir.
	And fuck it.
	Just, I don't know, man.
	And the dog went over to him and I just felt like, I don't know, when Charlie left, dude, I felt like, damn, bro.
	Charlie don't want to be with that man and that man treats him bad.
	That's how I felt, dude.
	So, but yeah, Charlie was like a big dog.
	And I'll be honest, I slipped him a piece of Nicorette.
	So Charlie fucking get that hit from daddy right there.
	So that guy can kiss my ass, bro.
	What I'm saying is you can't, your dog is not a slave.
	He doesn't work for you.
	Okay?
	You can't, you know, say this.
	Do this.
	Charlie, get in the house.
	No ham hocks.
	Charlie, nothing for you.
	You can't be like that to an animal.
	You got to treat an animal a little bit kinder, I think.
	Yeah, it's interesting.
	I think people, you know, they look to Santa, I think, as like a symbol of like hope and love, you know, a symbol of magic.
	If you think about children, most children are takers.
	They take stuff.
	They want stuff given to them.
	Oh, yeah.
	There are very, very few children that are what I call giver children.
	They want to give to other people.
	They don't want something for themselves.
	So when that child, when I see that child and we're done with the visit, I bring the parents in and I said and I said, and that's when I make the gift of the bell to the child.
	I have the parent and the child there and I'm explaining to them what's transpired.
	And I'll tell the child that every time you ring that bell, I'll be thinking about you.
	Oh, I love that.
	You know, there's something special about just being that, it's almost together, like you're like a middleman for, yeah, it's like you're like a middleman for some of the joy that's out in the world.
	Right.
	That must feel pretty interesting sometimes.
	It is.
	It's a lot of responsibility, but it's gratefully accepted responsibility.
	Amen.
	This is Kenny calling from Portland.
	I had an idea here.
	I have a PlayStation 5 that I got from my work, but I would like to offer that to one of your struggling single moms.
	So if you have any ladies out there that are trying to make your kid happy on the holiday, I have a PlayStation 5 that I'd be willing to donate.
	Gang Gang.
	Gang Gang, man.
	Thank you, Kenny.
	Man, that's where it's at.
	We would love that.
	It's that time of year, man.
	It's that time of year to extend it a little if you can.
	You know, the other day I was eating breakfast here, and I ended up paying for the breakfast.
	There was a couple sitting outside.
	And when I walked in, the guy said, hey, and him and his girlfriend were just visiting in town.
	And so before I left, I just bought my meal, bought their meal.
	And I'm just saying that because about two weeks later, I'm across the street eating breakfast at a different place.
	And we get up to pay and leave.
	And they said, oh, somebody bought your meal.
	I said, dang.
	Didn't know who.
	I don't know who it was.
	You know, some damn Scrooge McDuck got warm-hearted.
	You know, he grilled his own A-orders with the Lord.
	He got heated in the heart and somebody bought me that damn meal.
	That's karma roulette.
	And karma will really, this the time of year when karma is out there.
	Karma got on the Zoot suit.
	Karma's listening to 21 Savages.
	Karma got his nose hairs clipped out.
	He's out there.
	This is when karma is paying attention.
	So it's a great time to extend that olive leaf to somebody.
	How can I help?
	What can I do?
	And when I get up in the morning this week, what's been making me feel good is just saying, what can I do?
	What can I do for somebody that's not me?
	So anyway, what a small little world how that worked out.
	But thank you, Kenny.
	We'll find someone who can use it, I think.
	So hit the hotline if you have some suggestions.
	And we did.
	We had some calls that came in, man.
	And here was the first one that came in.
	Hey, Seo, this is Mike from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
	I just wanted to maybe nominate my sister.
	She works really hard.
	She has two kids.
	One's eight, one's 10. They're real big in the video game, so I thought that would be perfect for them.
	They're great kids, and she's an awesome mom.
	Thank you, Mike.
	I didn't mean to cut you off there, man.
	But yeah, we'll connect you with Kenny.
	And, you know, that's Kenny, man.
	That's Kenny helping out there.
	Those things are hot commodity, bro.
	Damn.
	Dude, somebody be dying of cancer.
	You offer them some plasma.
	They say no, but you hit them with that.
	And they want it, bro.
	Let's hit some other people up.
	Hey, Theo, it's West from Minneapolis, man.
	I got an excellent single mom that she's working to get her kid back.
	She has him about half the year right now, and she's going to have them over Christmas.
	She has a really great kid who was a big gamer, and she manages a gas station, so she's out there grinding every day.
	Amen, brother.
	I think we can help out with that.
	Let me give you a buzz right now.
	Hello.
	What's up, Wes, bro?
	How you living, man?
	Good.
	Who's this?
	This is Theo, man.
	Theo Vaughn, the comedian.
	Oh, get out of town, man.
	What's up, brother?
	Not much, bruh.
	It's looking for the Lord.
	You know me, boy.
	Amen.
	Amen.
	Yeah, I appreciate your call, man.
	It's really nice of you to call just that you left on the hotline.
	We'd already found, somebody had already had called before they got the PS5, but there's a company that helps us out sometimes.
	This company called Magic Mind, and they wanted to offer a PS4, or I think it's a PS4 and a television.
	Maybe I don't know if the kiddo would, you know, if that would be something that they would like.
	Man, that would be amazing, dude.
	You have no idea how awesome you just made my day.
	Dude, you made me feel good, man.
	I appreciate it, man.
	Have a good day, dude.
	And we'll circle up with you, bro.
	And thanks for thinking of somebody else, man.
	Awesome.
	Peace.
	All right, gang.
	Hi, Theo.
	My name is Tim Tedder.
	I figure let's call in right now and see what we can do.
	Hello?
	Hey, what's up, man?
	This is Theo Vaughn, bro.
	I'm calling just about, you called a couple about the podcast, about the, we're talking about the PlayStation.
	Yes, sir.
	My gosh.
	Wow.
	How are you?
	Thank you so much for calling.
	Oh, yeah, man.
	No worries, man.
	Thank you for calling, bro.
	So we gave away the PlayStation.
	Somebody else had called before you, but we want to do something nice.
	Maybe we could just at least set you guys up with like a gift card or something, maybe to Best Buy or to some other place.
	Wow, Tio, I just don't know what to say, man.
	I just, I wasn't expecting this at all.
	And I think that's a great idea.
	And that'll be just such a great Christmas.
	This is her first Christmas in Portland.
	And that'll just be so awesome.
	So awesome.
	Thank you.
	Man, thank you, bro.
	I don't know these people, but it's just, you know, it's your own kindness and your own thinking about somebody else.
	And it's funny how one thing like that kind of spurns the other ones, you know?
	All right, gang Tim, bro.
	Be good, man.
	Okay.
	Thank you.
	All right.
	Cheers, brother.
	Hi, Theo.
	This is Susie again.
	I'm a single mom.
	I have been looking for this PS5 everywhere.
	And I'm trying to get it for my daughter for Christmas.
	She's been doing really good in school.
	Here in Michigan, we've been shut down because of the Rona.
	I feel you, baby.
	That dirty Rona, bro.
	That's that lung AIDS, baby.
	Let me call you.
	See what we can do.
	Hello.
	Hey, what's up?
	Who's this?
	Hey, it's Susie.
	What up, Susie?
	What up, Theo?
	How are you?
	Mark, Theo's on the phone.
	I want to thank you, first of all, just for thinking of somebody else and just, you know, calling and leaving your voicemail.
	I thought it was really sweet of you.
	The problem is we already gave away the PS5, but I wanted to try and think of something else that we could do that you think would be nice.
	Oh, my God.
	I don't even know what to say.
	How about this?
	I know it's kind of impersonal, but what if we just gave you like a $500 gift card and you could do something nice for you guys, something that you wanted to do?
	I know it's not a PS5, but.
	No, I appreciate it so much.
	We've been struggling.
	I mean, I try to, you know, my attitude is always positive, but just to hear from you is just, wow.
	Speechless.
	Well, that's sweet of you.
	Thanks.
	Thank you for making my day, and thanks for the nice words.
	Oh, Theo, thank you.
	Thank you so much.
	Merry Christmas to you, your family.
	Like, I love your podcast.
	I can't wait to hear the next one.
	Oh, my God.
	I don't even know.
	Wow.
	Thank you for the phone call.
	You're welcome, Susie.
	Thank you.
	You bet.
	We love you.
	Bye-bye.
	Hey, Theo.
	My name's Caroline.
	I'm from Gaston, North Carolina, right outside of Charlotte.
	My nephew was diagnosed with cancer like a year and a half ago.
	But I was just listening to your podcast, and I heard about the guy that has the PlayStation.
	He just wanted to donate.
	And my sister, she has two kids, and her oldest son, Adam, he just passed away in October from cancer.
	He was 16. And then she has a younger son, Andrew, and he will be 15. He just lost his brother.
	And I know she was trying to find the new Xbox or the new PlayStation to give to him for Christmas.
	That would kind of be special.
	Well, thank you so much for this.
	Let's see if I can get a hold of you.
	Hey, Caroline.
	Hello.
	Hey, what's up?
	This is Theo.
	You called into the podcast the other day from the podcast.
	Oh, my God.
	Yes.
	How are you?
	Holy shit.
	How are you?
	I'm laying on my floor right now, freaking out.
	Oh, damn.
	Well, look, just, you know what I'm saying?
	Keep your clothes on, sorry.
	I don't want to get accused of nothing, you know?
	Oh, my God.
	I was literally just talking about you.
	I'm like speechless right now.
	My face is like pulsating.
	Damn.
	You might be on drugs, I think.
	Damn, I'm not.
	I feel like I am, but I'm not.
	Okay, well, look, it sounds like if your damn face is pulsating, you might want to G up a little bit.
	You might want to, you know, you might want to use a skin softener or something.
	No, I just wanted to say your message was so sweet.
	I thought it was very nice of you to call.
	I think PlayStations are just all sold out, so we're committed to help find like an Xbox.
	Do you think the kids would want that, or do you think we should just wait whenever PlayStations come back?
	He would prefer an Xbox.
	If he got an Xbox, he would poop in his pants.
	Well, damn, y'all's whole family need to tighten up, it sounds like.
	We do!
	We're going through stuff.
	All right, y'all.
	Be good.
	All right.
	Stay off them Perco sets, girl.
	You know it.
	Okay, I will.
	Okay, deal.
	Deal, deal.
	And I will, too.
	Okay.
	Okay, deal.
	Okay, deal.
	Bye.
	Oh, man.
	That's great.
	That's sweet.
	I think we got to a good space here.
	I think we got to a good space.
	You know?
	These are our lives, man.
	These are our lives.
	These are our lives, and we got to live them.
	You know, we got to live them.
	So if you're struggling with some motivation, I really hope that you find it and just take that next step.
	Take a small step.
	And a few small steps make a big step.
	And a few big steps make a real distance.
	This is our lives.
	You know, and we all have different ways that we go about fighting.
	But we don't give up.
	You guys be good to yourselves, man.
	And I'm going to do the same for me, man.
	We deserve it, Brother Gang.
	I'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could I be so far from my home.
	And my mind is somewhere else.
	But when I find it, I'll patch up where it's been blown.
	Shine that light on me.
	I'll sit and tell you my story.
	Shine on me.
	Thank you.
	Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
	The answer may shock you.
	Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
	Sometimes I won't.
	And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
	You have three new voice messages.
	A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
	I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
	So great.
	Hi, Suiar.
	Easy deal.
	Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
	John Main.
	Hai, I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
	Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
	I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
	Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

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