Theo talks about how he spent his Thanksgiving out in the Central East, gives more advice on how to crush your "Best Man" speech and tells us how to keep good Karma coming our way during this holiday season.
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Music:
"Get It While You Can" - Robert Finley
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Producer: Nick Davis
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Associate Producer: Sean Dugan
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Amen And that's what they say sometimes you see amen Some gay fella will say it like that You know he'll kind of they'll use it to holler at you You know if you got a buddy that's a homosexual or a you know registered you know or not registered but just you know gay some men is gay and you know that's how it is sometimes you see a man
and next thing you know they trying to you know do a piggyback on the front of you and that's you know that's just that's society bro that's society and that's I mean they've they legalized it and that's what it is baby so um what else is going on man who who knows baby boy who knows what's
up uh hopefully your spirits are hopefully you had a good uh weekend got that turkey hopefully everybody got birded out because that's what they hit you with that bird and a lot of things can happen after Thanksgiving meal you know a lot of time somebody will steal your wallet right at when you buzzed out on that bird you know you have a little bit of that turkey bro
and next thing you know somebody stole your rims off your car they say damn they hit you with that bird that air dope baby the lord's perka said baby i'm talking about that turkey i'm talking about that damn that shit a turkey bro if you i bet if you see if you snuck up on a turkey bro i bet they know what i bet a turkey knows how to use a pillow that's
what i bet if you see a turkey animal in the woods or whatever i bet they i bet they know how to use a pillow because that's a damn that meat will tire you out you follow i mean that that turkey will you you know it'll really soften your damn pecker all right uh what's going on we'll see let's get into it right
here man uh thank you guys for being here this is robert finlay get it while you can make
Coming and moving fast But you got to take it when you can get it And get it while you can Oh yeah
a chicken yeah
man and that's adulthood right there that's robert finley and that's a beautiful right there beautiful urban gentleman hitting them the high notes and the low notes and the in between maybe damn he just i mean that man he's a real damn billy goat of of just charisma and and capability man when he really if you go watch him watch his video on the internet robert finley
get it while you can and you got to get it while you can baby because they they ain't always giving it out you know they you sometimes you go outside and there's no wind out there sometimes you run out there with a kite and nothing and you just nothing a squirrel run by flip you off bruh
and that's you know something you know God don't always make wind so you got to just get it while you can baby because not every day is it is is the is the world gonna offer you the same stuff so we gotta keep our cup on us man when we go out there and if it's raining you gotta get you get you half a cup
get you a little quarter quart you know get you a third of a gallon baby and just you know hoard a little save a little fill it up when you get a chance you got to get involved in the world I got to I got to stay active I got to you know if I see somebody laughing having a good time I can't just you know go sit out in the van I
got sometimes it's hard to stay you know to go over there and chuckle with them and absorb the the joy sometimes it's hard for me to put my kite into the wind you know and trust the breeze I but then I but then I but then if I don't then I then I can't I can't be pouting when I don't have no gusts in me I can't be pouting when
thirsty for some kind of happiness because I didn't run my cup out there earlier.
Thank you.
You know, when that breeze is a going, when the water is a falling, when the sun is a shining, you got to take it where you can get it.
And you got to get it while you can.
Baby, that is Robert Finley.
And you'll enjoy that.
I hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving.
You know, it's interesting.
I didn't have a big plan really for Thanksgiving.
And David Arquettes lives out here now.
And he's in a new wrestling documentary.
He came onto this podcast and he invited me over.
And he gots a wife.
He got two offspring, males, juvenile males.
And so I went over there and drove out to the country.
And another buddy invited me over to do some four-wheeling.
I went over there.
And it was nice.
I had a nice time.
You know, I had a nice time just getting to see a family.
And his mother-in-law made some like a salad.
The salad had a, I was like, damn, somebody, they might have a little bit of Alzheimer's in the recipe.
You know what I'm saying?
They had a couple ingredients in the salad recipe.
I was like, I don't know.
This thing got a damn pineapple.
You know what I'm saying?
It had a little bit of, you know, this thing a little bit heavy on the bay leaf.
You'll see, you know, it have two, you know, half a marshmallow and a bay leaf in it.
Be like, damn, this thing.
But it was a good time, man.
Really enjoyed myself.
And, you know, and part of me, I was like, I don't want to go.
I'm just going to be at home.
You know, I don't have a plan.
I didn't go home.
But I'm glad I put a foot forward and say, you know, I'm just going to, you know, I'm going to go get out in the system.
I'm going to go get out in the just into the flow of the world.
And I ended up having a nice time.
And I think it makes people feel good when they invite you to do things and you say us.
I think it makes people feel, you know, I think it makes people feel good.
You get to, you know, they invite you, come on and do it.
Oh, come out here, come to the zoo.
Well, I don't want to go to the zoo.
You know, I don't want to smell monkey shit and get sunburned.
But you do it and then it's fun and they have fun.
You know, and then now you got a little bit of connection and you got another little anchor in the world.
I'm not preaching.
I'm just saying, yeah, I just, because sometimes I struggle.
I want to say, you know, oh, they're just inviting me because they feel sorry for me or they're just, you know, they just, they're just offering me that because they, you know, they feel like they have to.
A lot of that shit is in my head.
People want to do nice things because people want to do nice things.
And the gift that I can give sometimes is just saying yes, is getting and just being involved because if I don't, I get isolated.
And this past week, I've just been saying yes, man.
I've been saying yes.
And I've been getting it while I can.
That's Robert Finley.
What's going on out here?
I watched a Tyson fight last night.
And dude, I was most excited about seeing Jake Floyd against, what's his name?
Nate Robinson.
And dude, I thought Nate Robinson was going to whoop his ass, honestly.
Because I've fought black dudes before and they'll beat your ass.
And so I thought that was kind of how it was going to shake out.
But damn, bruh.
Jake Paul, man, he seemed legit.
It was hard to get a real take on it because Nate was just coming at him.
Nate kind of had that bulldog, like a bulldog with an ear infection.
You ever see that dog?
And he trying to bite you, but he also, he don't aim correctly because his, you know, his equilibrium is on, you know, it's got a bad wheel.
So he's biting, but he's, you know, he missing to the left every time he try to, you know, to teeth you down, to gum you up.
And Jake Paul, he really, he made that dude pay.
He made him pay.
I mean, he put him out, son.
So you got to give props to both those dudes for getting out there.
That shit looks scary.
Them dudes start throwing them fists, man.
So yeah, I enjoyed watching it.
I mean, the whole, I didn't like all the rapping and shit.
I'm like, what is all this shit?
I felt like I was trapped in a nightclub in Jacksonville, Florida.
I was like, this shit is crazy.
People are fighting.
A lot of smoke in the air.
A lot of dance, like just one dude dancing by himself.
It definitely had a very Jacksonville vibe to it.
But so watching the Tyson thing, I wasn't excited about it.
I watched it on Stream East or whatever, where you get the free stream pirated.
I'm the captain now.
I did the pirate and while I was at Pirate, you know, I stole the shit.
I stole it.
And yeah, I didn't.
I just felt like, I don't know if I didn't feel like it was for me.
I thought the ring looked like a video game.
They really went for this video game look, like complete black in the background.
I don't even know if they needed at the Staples Center.
I wonder what the cost was of that.
Because you got to shell out them ducats.
You want the Staples Center.
You could have done that in, you know, you could have done that at a Staples, at an abandoned Staples, you know, one of those Staples that got looted out there in Los Angeles or Portland.
You could have done that on Damn Isle 6 on envelopes.
But I just don't know what the cost was to do it at the actual big Staples Center.
But I guess it does add a different mystique to it.
And as viewers, hell, we don't even know if they really did it at the Staples Center.
They could have been showing it from the helicopter and not doing it.
They could have done that anywhere.
What else?
I watched it.
What did I feel like?
I felt like it was exactly what I thought it was going to be.
I'm glad I didn't pay for it.
I wanted them.
There was too many rules going into it.
And there was too much hugging.
Mostly the thing about the Tyson fight, it made me remember to call my grandfather.
And my grandfather is dead.
So I just prayed a little and almost Ouija boarded him, but I didn't even honestly know him that well.
And he was my step-grandfather, and he used to take us on a motorcycle.
And we used to catch fresh catfish, and he would have them, you know, he'd put them on that stringer, and I'd put them over my shoulder.
And I barely had a shoulder.
I was probably four years old.
Hell, half the fish was older than me I caught.
You know, I'd have 19 years worth of fish on my back, and I'd just strap them bitches on.
And he would just let me sit on the back of the motorcycle.
I'd hold on to him with one arm and just, you know, shoulder a little batch of bullheads, spoon river catfish, shoulder them over my other shoulder and just and then get over, you know, get back to the house, back to the house.
But yeah, what else?
I remember, you know, it was Jones Jr. looked scared or just more nervous.
He definitely looked gassed out pretty quick.
You know, and I've seen senior citizens fight.
You know, in my neighborhood, when I was growing up, this man, Mr. Polito, got in a fire, he got thrown into a ditch fire by Milford King, and Milford died.
But this is when he was alive.
And Milford was our school bus driver, and he was shirtless.
And a lot of people think, oh, school bus drivers should have a shirt on.
Well, hell if they should, baby boy.
You know, a lot of school bus drivers, they don't need a shirt.
You don't need a shirt to drive a bus.
That's a damn myth.
You know, that's a myth amphetamine, bro.
That's people smoking ideas that aren't facts.
And Milford was redheaded, and he had red chest hair and back hair.
And he probably weighed about 305 pounds, 378 pounds.
And he spoke, I thought he spoke a different language, but he just couldn't talk well.
You know, I think they probably taught him about three quarters of the alphabet.
And the last quarter, it was just, I mean, he was just damn Vanna Whiten out there.
He's just spinning letters.
He didn't know what the hell is going on.
He'd put a seven in the middle of a sentence.
You know, sometimes he'd throw a damn an asterisk in the middle of a damn word.
He don't, you know, he didn't know.
He wasn't fully equipped.
You know, if knowledge was an 18-wheeler, this dude probably had about a, this dude has seven tires on him.
He was that kind of guy.
But he fist fought this old man named Mr. Polito and threw him in a ditch fire in our neighborhood when they were both pretty much near senior citizenship.
And when I saw this fight, that's the first thing I thought of.
I said, oh, they should put a damn fire in the middle and let these dudes fucking get Irish, bruh.
Because they run in this weak ass, you know.
I mean, that's the thing about when old people fight of different cultures, they fight differently.
You know, you got two old brothers out here fighting and they've actual fists fighting.
They got it all gloves and everything.
You throw two old white dudes out there, somebody's ending up in a damn fire.
So, it's cultural, baby.
It's cultural.
But yeah, it's a good time to be a part of Thanksgiving.
And, you know, there's something about that day after Thanksgiving, too.
When you're just sitting there and, excuse me, I had a little bit of water.
And it feels like a the day after Thanksgiving, it feels like a Saturday, but it's not.
It's like, oh, this is kind of nice.
And it's just like, oh, you can feel the whole world start to take a sigh of relief.
It's like, oh, we're just going to just kind of lazy our way towards the holidays.
You know, it's a good time to check in with a friend.
You start remembering friends.
Oh, you know, I should check in with them.
I should send them a text.
Say, hey, you know, hey, Ronnie, bro.
I love you, bruh.
Hadn't talked to you in a couple years.
And then his wife writes back, Ronnie's dead.
Ronnie died a couple, you know, Ronnie died 18 months ago.
Head-on collision.
Like, oh, damn, well.
But it's just that time, you know, where you just remember to check, you know, you go tickle somebody.
You haven't touched them maybe in a, you know, you haven't touched your wife in probably seven months.
You go tickle that bitch over there.
She making a souffle and you sneak up and just finger rib that bitch up, you know?
Surprise her, get that jump back in her.
It's just that time of year, you know, it's that time of year where maybe your neighbor got some little pet bird and you run over there and seed that bitch up, give them a pumpkin seed or something, give them an acorn.
It's that time of year.
You know, maybe you take a little, you take a muffin over to a senior citizen.
And you got to pour some water on it, dampen it up so they could swallow it.
But you give them that gift.
You hit them with that fluffy cake, little bad boy, that muffin.
Treat that old bastard, you know, treat them nice.
That's what time it is, man.
That is what time it is.
Get that hitter merchandise has hit the website, theovonstore.com.
We got the restocks are in.
So if you want to get something, you can get it.
And that's how that works.
That's called getting something.
And you can do that.
The episode of Man Up is up on Sticky Rick about this thick boy, and he was doing masturbation and everything.
But he's trying to turn it around.
And that's on YouTube.
So you can check that out.
Comedy Central passed on the show.
You know, they were too busy picking up dog shit.
And they passed on our show.
So that's why we do this.
People say, well, why don't you do, why don't you, because, because, man.
And I don't really have a, I don't have, people say, well, you sound real salty about it.
I'm sugary about it.
You know, it was the gift that I didn't really know was that we were going to be able to get in and do our own stuff.
But at a certain point, you start to realize that some of these places do not want your kind around.
And you start to wonder why.
You do start to wonder that.
What else, man?
What else really has been going on with me?
I had a tough day the other day.
Thanksgiving morning, man.
I was crying outside of a donut shop in my truck.
You know, I wasn't touching myself or anything, but, you know, so that's how that day kind of started.
What else was happening?
Oh, we're going to do a lot of law, you know, like, you know, a little bit of like calendar laundry here.
We're going to do a belated Christmas special talent extravaganza with Tammy, with Chelsea Lynn Tammy.
That will be, that's going to be postponed.
I think we're going to do it after the New Year's.
Just to have more time and to really make it special.
Or especial, baby.
Which sounds like a disease, but it's special in Spanish.
So we're doing that.
I'm going to let you know right now, though, that if you're getting a gift for somebody, get them the sounds of the world.
You know, one nice thing about music is that you can hear it.
Imagine watching somebody just push buttons on a piano and nothing.
Or watching somebody think that they, you know, pluck on a guitar, but it don't make any sound.
You'd think they had heavy autism or HA.
Well, 2020 is throwing us a gift for the holidays.
This is the go-to gift.
And what I'm talking about is the silver bullet gift idea of Raycon wireless earbuds.
I want to get everyone a gift this year that's going to make them go, hey, thanks.
You know what?
I actually did need this.
I'm actually going to use this.
And that's Raycon wireless earbuds.
You know, I've had different earbuds and I didn't like them.
One of them, I put them in.
All I could hear was, you know, all I could hear was my neighbors and they're fist fighting.
Two lesbians over there.
Beating each other about, you know, something.
Something they hired a shoddy contractor to, you know, redo a porch and they was Nim Mitches was pissed.
But with seamless Bluetooth pairing and a comfortable noise isolating fit, you can start listening right out of the box and keep listening for hours with Raycon wireless earbuds.
That's what the game changer is for me, is the amount of time that they last for.
The audio quality is amazing.
Comparable to what you get from other premium brands, except Raycons start at half the price.
Don't pay for that extra pricing.
You don't need it.
Best of all, this is something people can use for calls or music, for work or play, at home or on the go.
It's a gift that keeps on giving.
Raycon's being generous for the holidays as well.
So on top of their everyday great prices, they're offering our listeners 15% off right now.
Go to buyraycon.com slash T-H-E-O today to get 15% off your Raycon order.
That's B-U-Y-R-A-Y-C-O-N dot com slash T-H-E-O.
Support this past weekend.
Get someone the gift they will use.
Buyraycon.com slash Theo for 15% off.
We had a lot of really special calls and this and thats that came in.
And I'm going to get into a few of them.
And here's one right off the bat.
Theo, this is Kenny calling from Portland.
Hey, Kenny, thank you for calling.
In Portland, they say they got a lot of beautiful strippers up there and a lot of rain.
So if you like that WAP, that's your territory, baby.
You know?
If you like a damp girl that's really pale skinned but tatted up, if you like one of them Antifa bad bitches, that's your territory.
Onward.
I had an idea here.
I have a PlayStation 5 that I got for my work.
I'm not really a big gamer, but I would like to offer that for one of your struggling singer moms.
So if you have any ladies out there that are trying to make your kid happy on the holiday, I have a PlayStation 5 that I'd be willing to donate only because your show gives me hours of entertainment throughout the week.
You're very positive.
I love the things that you have to say and gang gang.
Gang gang, man.
Thank you, Kenny.
Man, that's where it's at.
You know, that's where it's at.
And we would love that.
If you know a single mom that could use this gift, you can hit the hotline 985-664-9503.
You know, and just think about it.
If you don't, don't give us some lady that can't use it.
Don't give us some lady that's going to sell it and buy Delaud out there or buy a couple grams of this or a rock or crack.
You know, if you have somebody you think can use it, has some children that, and if the children are already dumb, they might not need a PS5.
Get them bastards a PS3.
But if you got a woman that's got a couple of kids.
That's very kind of you, Kenny.
We'll reach out, man, and we'll see what we can do.
We'll take a couple of suggestions.
If you can hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.
That'd be awesome.
You know, it's that time of year, man.
It's that time of year to extend it a little if you can.
You know, the other day I was, where was I?
I was eating breakfast here out here in the Central East, which is where I'm at.
And I ended up paying for the breakfast.
There was a couple sitting outside.
And when I walked in, the guy said, hey, and him and his girlfriend were just visiting in town.
And so before I left, I just bought my meal, bought their meal, and just left, you know.
And then, and I'm just saying that because about two weeks later, I'm across the street eating breakfast at a different place with Josh Wolf.
And we get up to pay and leave and they said, oh, somebody bought your meal.
I said, dang.
Didn't know who.
I don't know who it was.
You know, some damn Scrooge McDuck got warm-hearted.
You know, got them A orders, just fired.
You know, he grilled his own A orders with the Lord, with that Lord's Traeger or something.
Something hit him.
He got heated in the heart and somebody bought me that damn meal.
So that's what, you know, it's just, it's just, that's karma roulette.
And karma will really, this is the time of year when karma is out there.
Karma got on the Zoot suit.
Karma's listening to 21 Savages.
Karma's out there, baby.
Karma got his nose hairs clipped out.
He's out there.
He's got a fresh set of tits on.
Karma's living hard right now.
This when karma is paying attention.
So it's a great time to extend that olive leaf to somebody.
How can I help?
What can I do?
And when I get up in the morning this week, what's been making me feel good is just saying, what can I do?
What can I do for somebody that's not me?
Who can I call that would like to hear my voice today?
And not in like an ego way, but just who can I call that I know could use somebody just they're looking for anybody in the world to call them and say, hey, how are you?
Where's your head at?
Where's your heart at?
And sometimes that can be you.
That can be anybody.
But I have to remember when I get up to ask myself that question first.
So anyway, what a small little world how that worked out.
But thank you, Kenny.
We'll find someone who can use it, I think.
So hit the hotline if you have some suggestions.
I'm going to tell you right now also that we got this call that came in right here.
Hey, Theo, this is Saleem coming at you from Victoria, British Columbia, and Canada.
Saleem.
And man, thank you, Canada, for being you.
You know, sometimes I fall asleep at night, I think about Canada, bro.
I'll be honest with you, dude.
No homo, bro, or no snow-mo.
But I think about Canada.
And I think sometimes I just, I'll lay in bed, I'll just think about damn Canada, bro.
And I'll think about a newborn baby just riding naked on a, just on a damn reindeer's back.
And just looking for God, bro.
Both of them, the little babies on the back of the reindeer.
And he just looking for the Lord, bruh.
And there's just something beautiful about that shit, bruh.
And I'll be honest, I'll be the first to tell you, I didn't think Canada was a real place when I was growing up.
When I was young, somebody said, hey, a wolf, you know, a wolf attacked, They had a drawing at school.
It was a picture of a wolf attacking a boy.
And it said Canada on it.
I said, damn, boy.
So I thought Canada was just a place where America, where we, you know, practice safety equipment, where we mailed safety equipment to see if it worked and then mailed it back.
I thought it was a company.
You know, kind of a, you know, probably a 3.5 star company out of five stars.
But that's a myth, man.
I've been smoking myth amphetamines, bro, if I'm thinking that.
I've been getting high on myth amphetamines if I've been thinking that because Canada, Canada's amazing.
If you meet somebody from Canada, bro, hug them.
Shake their hand.
Fuck them.
Treat them well, baby.
Feed them.
You know?
Massage them.
Garage them, bruh.
Put them in your garage.
You feel what I'm saying?
Do something for them because they're good people.
Anyway, thank you, Salim Onward.
And I have a thing going on.
I recently met this girl that I really like.
And the issue, though, is she is very COVID conscious.
I guess not an issue that makes sense.
And basically, we're going a couple days.
We're hanging out from a distance.
And we can't really make any physical contact or kiss each other, hug or whatever.
And that's tough, I feel like, for me.
I don't know what you think about no physical contact in a relationship.
And also, I'm heading back to Ontario outside of Toronto in a couple months.
So I don't know, you know, really what I'm doing or why.
So you're Canadian.
She's afraid of COVID.
This is like Snowmeo and Hachu Liet.
You know, she's scared of something.
You really, you know.
And you're from the great dub in, baby.
You feel me?
That white north, bro, that Blanco up top.
Gang shit.
Onward.
But the circumstances point no, but I like her and I like seeing her.
So love to hear your thoughts.
Love the podcast.
You're a hilarious guy.
And you've taught me a lot just listening to you talk.
Gang, gang, brother.
Gang, baby.
Thank you, Saleem.
And let me tell you, I'll say this.
First of all, man, I think, you know, this is a beautiful story.
And this is why I listen to this podcast, because sometimes it reminds me that there is still a human part of life.
Sometimes it does.
Sometimes it don't remind me of anything.
But sometimes it reminds me that there's still this element of people.
There's still this fabric inside us that wants to be seen.
And that fabric a lot of times, it's like the text.
It's like the textile of just of the human condition.
And sometimes it's fun, and sometimes it's real, and sometimes it's tragic, and sometimes it's sometimes it's alive, and sometimes it's dead, almost.
But it's just bare.
And it's nice, something about this does that for me, this call, because it just, you know, not every relationship is come over here and let me look up your booty.
You know, there's a lot of love out there that still has this old-fashioned wagon wheel kind of environment.
You know, there's a lot of love out there that's like, hey, I met you and I'm thinking about you.
And it's not a million texts a day and it's not a, you know, look, I'll be honest, I met a girl a couple months ago and we met up in a park.
And, you know, I tried to get to see her tits from about 20 feet away.
She said no.
And she drove off and she thought I was probably a piece of shit.
And she was probably right.
But you're doing something else, man.
You have a really, there's a love thing going on there.
And you're just kind of contemplating, well, what if I, you know, I could lose this girl.
I could go on, you know, I have to go.
And that's called extradition when you got to leave the country.
And I'm, you know, I'm glad that not everybody's allowed to stay.
Unfortunately, if you run over here with a damn hatchet and shoot up a dollar general, they let you stay.
But, you know, you're a decent Canuck over here doing, you know, trying to fall in love.
And they, you know, but those are the rules.
But what were we talking about just now?
But love, man.
There's something special about that.
You know, there used to be something special about when somebody wasn't around just thinking about them.
Man, I remember I had a big crush on this girl, Katie.
And people called her kind of fat Katie, I think, but I just called her just Katie.
And if she was fat, man, good.
That meant there was more of her, bro, because I was in love with her.
And I wrote Katie on my pillow, and some of them would just go lay in my bed and just hug this pillow as hard as I could.
And I just hoped that somehow she just knew how much I just cared about her.
And somehow, in that little process of me hugging this pillow, that was the old school, like just texting her, stalking on Instagram.
That was the old, that was, it was a real visceral thing.
You know, back in the day, somebody would get a knife and they would just go out to a park bench and just be like, I'm going to fuck Bridget.
And they would just write that in there.
And that, you know, it was just, that meant something.
It was putting it out into the world without putting it right into somebody's damn ear hole.
And it gave the world a chance to say, okay, maybe this will land over by them or maybe it won't.
We let the world play a role.
It used to be you'd put your feelings onto a kite.
It used to be you'd put your feelings like a, you know, you'd take them and you'd blow them into a balloon of sorts and just let them off into the world.
And maybe they would land on the person's heart they were intended for.
Maybe they wouldn't.
But now it's everything's so direct.
We just take it and we write it on an arrow.
You know?
Damn it, I love you.
And I'm a pervert.
And you just, now you just fire it right at them.
And we just, the world, we don't let the world work.
We don't let the world have a say anymore.
So I feel you, man, there's something magical about if you go or if you stay or if there's something magical about being at a distance.
Because we used to always have to be at a distance.
You couldn't permeate someone as immediately as you could now.
you had to kind of let the world play a role But I love where your head's at and I love where your heart's at, man.
And I think one thing you can do, this is a great time for some romance, whether this works out or not.
It's a great time, you know, to do something like do a scavenger's hunt.
Thank you.
You know, you could do something sweet.
You could, you know, put a message in a bottle and throw it in her yard.
You know, you could do something like that.
mow a message in the grass, you know?
*vroom*
Let me hit that.
You wrote it over there.
But it's a chance, man.
It's a real chance to do something kind of sweet, I think.
Yeah.
And you could do a poem.
Use your words.
That's a great idea.
Use your words.
You know, write her a letter.
Write her a letter about how you're feeling sexually.
Do her a poem.
You know, maybe sex feed away.
This is for you, baby.
This called sex feed away.
I want that booty, but the air got diseases.
I want that CUDA, but we got to bleach our creases.
I want that monkey and I want it on my tonsils.
But I don't want you to die, baby.
I'm COVID conscious.
Gang, baby.
Hit her with that.
Hit her with that.
Bam, that word hammer, dog.
But yeah, use your words.
Use your feelings and let it ride, man.
Mail it to her.
Mail it to her.
Stand out.
But thank you for that question, man, in that call.
Gang shit, praise God, man.
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All right, let's get into a couple more calls here.
Here's we go.
Hey, Phil.
This is Luke from Kansas City.
Luke from KC, and we appreciate you, brother.
And I was in a burning building once in Kansas City, but I just made a sandwich, and so I didn't evacuate, and I ate that sandwich.
Omber?
I'm over here trying not to delete one of these cigarettes, but I got burning in my pocket right now.
I just wanted to call and say I love the show, man.
I really appreciate it.
Make me laugh, man.
Your commentary on Tampa, which I have a good friend in the Trickington Underbelly of Tampa was spot on.
Oh, yeah.
Tampa's a good place to get a, I mean, somebody will take your organs right out of your body with a knife and then freaking, you know, sell you a cigar, bro.
Gang, shit homeward.
I just had a question about, you know, I have a son.
He's coming of age, you know, not too soon.
He's nine.
But I know that, you know, the time's coming for the birds and the bees.
And I just wanted to get your take on how do you break that down?
You know, I know I didn't really get too much explaining when I was younger.
And I just want to give them the tools, man.
And I just want to give you, you know, what are your thoughts on the birds and the bees to a young man?
Thank you.
Amen.
Thank you so much for that question.
And he's talking about sex.
He's talking about sex.
He's not talking about pets or anything like that.
He's talking about sex for children.
And, you know, it's here's the thing.
I think the thing is with talking about sex with children, you want to be the first person to kind of to present it to him.
You want to be the diving board.
He's going to hear something.
He'll hear a word.
You want to be the one to start to present it to him because I remember when I was young, they had a fella in our neighborhood who ended up actually taking his grandmother's life.
And she was our lunch lady and R.I.P.
Annie.
And she'd scoop you out the peas and shit fucking, by the time she got that scoop to you, she'd have half the peas on there.
She had damn dyslexia in her wrists.
You know, she couldn't put together a damn scoop of peas.
But anyway, what was I talking about?
Oh, this dude.
So he made, I mean, he didn't make it, but he, this dude, one time, you know, he masturbated.
And he J-O jerked out, you know, spraying out, they called it locally.
But he jerked up and he made us kind of watch him.
He didn't make us watch him, but this was right after football season ended, right before baseball.
So kind of that time when there wasn't, you know, not a lot going on.
And so he, you know, it was opportune time.
If you, you know, this is, you know, if it was just, you know, time you'd almost try anything.
You know, you'd try, you know, you know, you'd eat laughy taffies, even though you hated them.
But anyway, this guy jerked off, made us watch him.
Anyway, his dad saw it happen.
And his dad was not pleased with it.
So I remember his dad made us sit in their house and he put like stick them on our hands, you know, like spray enamel.
And he then he would put our hand like a sand, like a coarse kind of sand.
And then he made us look at pornography in their living room.
And so we're there watching.
And he told us, he said, you can't touch yourselves, you know, so everybody's just sitting there damn erect.
And the dad was making chili the whole time.
He's making chili in the kitchen, man.
So I can't even drive through Cincinnati without just springing board.
You feel me?
But anyway, but here's what I'm saying is I didn't know anything about sex and you want to be the one to introduce him to it.
You don't want some guy, you know, spray enamel in his hands out there and making him watch pornography.
So you just, you know, you got to be a part of his life.
I remember I heard the word dildo, and somebody at school was like, Do you know what a dildo is?
I was like, Yeah, and I didn't know, and they didn't tell me.
And then I'm on the school bus, and I told the school bus driver, Miss Hazel, I told her straight up.
She had them big-ass dildos on her chest.
And she sent me to the principal office.
And this one, they still spanked you.
So Lawton McKee, this man spanked the F out of me.
But nobody still told me what it meant.
I just didn't know anything.
You know, it was just a different time, man.
My buddy Scotty's dad, he came one time.
I was staying with them.
He came in the bedroom.
He said, look, first time at his house, he goes, you fellas can sleep pole to pole or hole to hole, but don't sleep pole to hole.
Man, I didn't know what the hell he was talking about, dude.
We tried to figure it out.
We're laying there and flipping over and doing this and that.
And hell, I know.
I just slept on the floor.
I slept at the foot of the bed next to a damn, they had a golden retriever.
But anyway, I'm saying you want to be the one to talk to him.
You want to be the one to present the information.
I remember another buddy of mine, this boy Jeff, and his daddy did mail.
And his daddy did, you know, postmanning.
And he one time, he said, you want to don't want to find a loose woman, he said.
And he put like a little bag over my head from the store, a tight bag, and he put it on my head, kind of taped it around my neck a little bit.
He said, you feel that?
I said, yeah, I can barely breathe, you know.
And then he took that off, and then he put his mailbag over my head, U.S. postal mail set on U.S. mail.
And he said, you feel that?
And you got all this room in that bitch.
And he said, you want the first one.
And so that's how he was trying to teach me about women and loose women.
And he said, if she'll smoke, she'll poke.
And I mean, if a woman was doing a cigarette, they was willing to do sex.
You know, just old little limericks and stuff.
Scottish kind of stuff.
So anyway, I think you just want to be the person to talk to them.
You know, you want to be the person to talk to them.
So maybe just ask him, I think a good way could be, is there words that you haven't heard before?
Are there words you have any questions about?
Are there terms you've heard?
You know, do you have any thoughts about your body?
Do you have any thoughts about other people's bodies?
You know, have him draw a titty.
See where he's at with it.
You know?
Have him, you know, ask him if he knows anything about a cooter.
See what he says.
He might not know nothing.
So, but anyway, but that's a suggestion I have.
If you have a suggestion on how to teach a child about the birds and the bees, you can hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.
Speaking of suggestions, man, we had some that came in last week.
It was for this gentleman out of Baton Rouge, Luke.
And he was going to be a best man for his brother.
And Luke, we got a couple of suggestions that came in here for you.
Here we go.
Yo, what up, Theo?
This is Evan calling you from Denver.
I'm fresh off of Best Man Speech, so figured I'd hit up, I think your boy Luke.
A little nervous for his.
A few pieces of advice I would say, just as far as structure, hit him with a joke out the gate, and then pick one or two characteristics of your brother that you really admire, and then think of a couple stories to illustrate those.
Throw in a couple jokes in between.
You want to keep it around, like, you know, like you said, three to five minutes, but also have a mic drop line at the end.
Mine was, I addressed his wife, and I was like, if he's as good of an older brother as he is a husband, you guys are going to be in for a hell of a ride.
So pick a line to leave him on, too.
And also outline that shit.
Write it out beforehand.
You do not want to be standing up there with a piece of paper.
It's your damn brother.
You got something to say, so just outline it.
Fill in the spaces.
Speak from the heart.
Leave him on a banger.
And that's all you can do, man.
But love you, Theo.
Appreciate it.
Gang, brother.
Thank you.
Thank you there, Evan.
From Denver, and that's information from the mountains.
Denver.
That's high-altitude information.
You know, somebody give you a little swamp fact or something.
Fuck all of that.
I want that freaking, I want the shit that's been at the top.
You got to think about where you get your information from.
Some people, you get information from somebody, and they're giving it that, you know, they live six feet above sea level.
What?
I don't want that ratchet ass shit.
That shit's barely uphill, baby.
I want to hit, you know, I want somebody from Kilimanjaro.
I want somebody from Denver.
I want somebody even from Dam Boise.
I want that up top information.
That's altitude knowledge, baby.
You got to think about that.
I would agree with most of what you said there.
I would not agree.
I would say around two minutes.
People's attention spans disappear fast.
I totally agree with you.
Would want to chart it out.
Have it written out on a van.
Don't be sitting there six minutes before writing that shit on the back of a parking ticket.
And I wouldn't masturbate a couple days before.
I'd go into it with a little bit of fervor.
You know, you could even eat some liver.
I've been eating liver.
Yes.
And that could help you.
But those are good suggestions, man.
But yeah, I would get a little bit closer to two minutes, but I would end on a good note.
You don't want to have to stand back up and be like, oh, and one more thing.
That's an L right there.
Let's hear more.
What's up, Theo?
This is Grant calling from Lafayette, Louisiana.
And this is calling related to Luke's question about how to do the best man speech for his brothers.
So whenever I heard that, you know, it kind of related to me because I also have my brothers winning coming up in April, and I'm also the best man.
Okay.
Well, so this is going to be a good, let's see what you got, baby.
Thank you, Almer.
I think you hit it right on the head when you said, you know, leave it something short and sweet.
But I think it really is like a tough balance, getting something that's meaningful and also white.
So, like, I think what I'm going to try to do is really just kind of give some kind of insight on what it means to what it's like to be his brother.
You know, probably mention something about, you know, maybe mention some events about growing up what it was like.
My brother sometimes he would leave me, let me jump the basketball and leave me hanging on the rim and pull my pants down and run away.
Or, you know, maybe we had a little beat my ass with some cocaines in a Walmart, a little brother battery going on.
And then.
Oh, yeah.
My brother beat me one time with a full can of corn.
Onward.
After that, maybe talk about something, how y'all's relationship kind of had an impact on your life.
So that way you have a little bit of humor, make it light, and then also a little bit of meaning in there.
And then wrap it up.
You know, just kind of wish them good luck.
And if you want, tell them you love them.
So, Luke, hope this helps, man.
Theo, I'm looking forward to seeing what you got to say about it.
Gang, baby.
Yeah, that's what I love, man.
What is it like to be his brother?
What is it like to be a younger or older brother?
What has it been like to watch them adjust and grow?
What is it like to see their bravery heading into a marriage?
What skills have they shown you as a brother?
Not skills, but abilities, capabilities.
What are some of their characteristics that you know going into a marriage that's really going to serve them well?
That's really going to serve the wife well.
You know?
He's taught me this.
And, you know, I've watched him do this.
I've watched him do that.
And if he takes any of those things and, you know, and you could always leave with a joke at the end.
If something ever happens to him, you know, you've already been with somebody in the family, so, you know, sign me up.
Just like a funny little, you know, something chill at the end.
But a lot of great suggestions there, man.
And best of luck to you, Luke.
And if you get the, have somebody video it if you want, Luke, when you do it, and get it right.
But what else do we have, man?
We've covered a lot.
Everything's going to be okay.
We've covered a lot.
What else is going on right here?
Oh, well, I'll tell you this.
We have Tony Manderich coming in onto the podcast this week.
And that's going to be really interesting to hear his story.
So really, really, really excited about that.
And if you're not familiar, he was drafted, I think, second overall by the Green Bay Packers.
And he really had some struggles and what his life was like then and what it's like now.
So I'm really looking forward to that.
Let's hear another call that came in right here.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, this is Abby calling from Long Island.
Hey, Abby.
Thank you so much for calling.
And I used to drink Long Island iced teas when I was in high school.
We would go to this bar about 30 miles away.
We were 16 years old.
They would let us in.
It was drinking with Lincoln.
And you gave them $5 and they gave you like this little fake emancipation proclamation.
And every time you went up to the bar, they would check off one of the things on it and you would get a drink.
But they had a boxing ring in the middle.
And kids would get wasted, and then older kids would come from a nearby college and really pretty much beat the shit out of you.
But anyway, Onward.
Love the show.
My boyfriend actually introduced me to you when we first started dating and it's been a really fun thing for us to bond over.
Well, thank you.
And that's nice of you to say that, and that's smart of him to share.
Onward?
Give a gift.
Anyway, the reason I'm calling is to ask you for some advice for my boyfriend.
He's been having a really tough time at work lately, just not enjoying it at all.
And he gets caught in this really negative downward spiral of emotions.
And sometimes that negativity gets brought back into his personal life with him, you know, just unmotivated to talk to anyone, do anything.
And it makes me sad, you know, because he's such a wonderful person.
He doesn't deserve to feel like that.
So I guess I'm just asking you to give him some advice.
I know he'll be listening.
How can he stay positive throughout the day?
Or how can he separate his emotions during the workday from his emotions in his personal life?
Thanks for anything you could offer him.
I know he'll really respect and appreciate it.
Well, that's sweet of you to say that.
And it's nice that you care.
It's nice that you care about how somebody else feels.
You know, I can tell you just what my experience has been because I've really struggled with this this past year.
I mean, I have been angry.
I got really angry this year.
I do also think, I want to say, I think I have a pinched nerve in my back or in my neck.
I'm going to go get checked out because this whole year I've been having a lot of pain and I cannot, it's been very hard to make it go away.
It just will not.
And so I think there might be more than like mental stress going on.
You know, one thing that's, I'll just tell you what's helping me right now is making a gratitude list in the morning.
You know?
And getting up and saying, today I get to do this.
Today I'm thankful that, you know, that my mother is alive.
Today I'm thankful that I get to eat breakfast.
Today I'm thankful that there is a world that exists.
Because otherwise I get up into nothing.
There's nothing.
You know, I'm thankful that I have a towel in my bathroom.
I'm thankful that I can pay my rent this month.
I'm thankful I have a girlfriend that cares about how I feel about myself and about others.
This would be something that could be on his list, and that was about you.
But just things like, I'm thankful that I have a job.
You know, sure, it sucks to go to a job every day if you're not grateful you have it.
It sucks.
You know, I'm going skiing this week.
I'm going to Tahoe.
And someone the other day is like, what are you up to this week?
I was like, oh, I have to go skiing.
I said that.
I have to go skiing.
And that just shows you where my level of gratitude is at, not in a good spot.
They said, you have to?
I said, well, you know, I get to go skiing.
I get to go, you know, I get to eat breakfast.
I get to wake up and hit my knees and thank God that I'm alive if I want to.
I get to put on face moisturizer.
I get to smile at somebody.
I get, you know, it's just the perspective.
It's just the perspective.
That's what it is.
It's the perspective.
And that's where the choice is mine.
The choice is mine.
If I choose, it's easy to choose to get up, get immediately on my phone, start judging, start feeling sorry for myself.
It's easy.
And the sad part is it's become comfort.
It's become like our phones and all of that, the immediacy of all, it's become such an addiction.
I need this right now.
This should be, let's, you know, you know, I don't take time for myself to evaluate where I'm at each day before I get into my world, into the phone or computer and let it all hit me.
So for me, this is the only thing that's been helping is just gratitude list.
Having some gratitude because this is life.
This is it.
And it's a great time of year to be thinking about this kind of stuff.
It really is.
It's a great time of year to be trying.
And it's nice that you care.
It's nice that you care.
So thank you for that call, Abby.
And thank you.
Thank everybody for being here.
You know, and the best thing then is, Abby, is in if once once he's feeling good, then he can be a part of making somebody else's day.
That's the thing.
That's the thing I want out of the world.
I want somebody to say, hey, man, you made my day, man.
Hey, when you call and check, hey, nobody was recognized.
Hey, and if I'm just thinking about myself, it's hard for me to recognize those things.
And I'm not preaching.
I'm just saying, look, I struggle with this all the time.
I have to go skiing.
Man, that shook me to the core when somebody brought that to my attention.
You know, I'm grateful.
Here, I'll read some of mine right now to you that I made this week.
Today, I'm thankful that God has a plan for me, even when I don't feel I have a plan for me.
You know, today, and I don't even know if I believe in God sometimes, but I'm trying to, so I'm trying to just practice it.
Today, I'm thankful that I'm not responsible for everything.
God, thank God for that.
Today, I'm grateful I get to meet my friend Josh for coffee, and I'm sure as hell going to get a few eggs and sausage patties.
And I prefer patties to links.
I don't like the links.
They make me feel honestly homoerotic, bro.
So I ain't doing that.
No cap.
Today I'm thankful I got to watch my favorite Christmas movie, Family Man.
If you haven't seen it, sit down with somebody you care about and watch it.
Today I'm thankful my mom is alive.
Today I'm thankful God trusts me sometimes.
Today I'm thankful I can try again.
Today I'm thankful I'm going skiing next week with my white friend.
So those are just some things, man.
And I don't get it done every day, but I know this, when I do do my gratitude, listen, I feel better.
Because when I start to isolate and start thinking everything's bad, then I separate myself from my friends, from my loved ones.
And then I'm sitting there sometimes wishing I were doing some, like I'll see people having a good time and I'll want to be a part of it, but there's this chip on my shoulder inside of me that's, I don't know, it's like anger.
It's like, it's almost like there's this tether that wants to keep me from having fun.
And it's usually judgment.
I'll judge what's going on.
But man, I know the more that I get out there and get uncomfortable.
And that's one thing I did take away from that Mike Tyson about.
He said, was doing stuff that's uncomfortable.
Sometimes the most uncomfortable thing for me is to laugh when somebody says something.
Or to be, when somebody introduced me to somebody, I know that, you know, I could tell them something and give them you know just to be like oh I don't know what you're talking about tell me about it even though I might already know it's just playing the play in the game you know it's easy it's always the game instead of just thank
you guys for being a part of my life I'm just going on the road I
don't know if that's true but I hope it is all right man we'll get out of here the same way we came in in here through our mother's vagina you guys be good to yourselves you deserve it and this is Robert Finley get it while you can man you gotta see this video this is this man's awesome find
a lovin' woman who's gonna break my back working for
a living robber Take
it when you can get And then while you can You got to take it when you can care And then while you can come on man,
that is beautiful Robert Finley's Get It While You Can from his album Going Platinum and you can enjoy his sounds right now.
Man, that's an uplifter, isn't it?
Oh, that is good.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweetheart.
Is it to you?
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John.
I'll take a quarter pottle of cheese out of the glory.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kai Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
