Theo talks about the differences between campers and the homeless, gives advice on how to make a good "Best Man" speech, meeting with the promiscuous Medium Debbie in the window and how to apply "Ask her out" to all facets of your life.
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Music:
“Shine” - Bishop Gunn
http://bit.ly/Shine_BishopGunn
"Makin' It" - Bishop Gunn
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medium debbie baby I don't know where to begin, man.
That's what I feel sometimes.
I don't know where.
I don't know where to begin.
You know, I think a lot of people during this pandy have been feeling like just they don't know where they are in the stream.
You know, it used to be before the disease came, you knew if you were a you know, if you were a salmon, if you were swimming upstream, looking to have an egg or something, have a baby.
You knew if you were a frog, you were kind of sitting on the bank, kind of watching things go on.
You knew if you were a snake.
You know, you kind of knew where you were in the stream.
And now I kind of feel like the stream has just gotten, it's cul-a-sacking.
You know, the stream is backing up.
I mean, it's the river's coming up in people's toilets.
I don't, you know, some of us don't know.
I just, I was in the current before.
I felt like, okay, I'm in this current.
And I know the banks I've come from.
And I know the, you know, the tributaries that have created me.
And the world had this flow to it.
And now it's like, damn, I don't know if I'm on the, you know, I don't know if I'm on the Titanic or if I'm a Tadpole.
It just gets, you know, the structures kind of disappearing a little bit from society, I feel like.
A little bit.
So I think I just got to stay in the flow.
You know, you can't get stagnant.
You know, it's easy.
You know, sometimes I just want to be on the side hanging on to a branch.
But life's changing up, man.
Life is changing up.
It's different out there.
It's just, you know, things are starting, the structure of things is starting to disappear.
Maybe your favorite Donnet shop, it's shut down.
You know, maybe your friend used to breed dogs.
Y'all would go over there and watch a couple dogs dig down a beagle or whatever.
And now that's shut down.
You know, somebody used to do a snow cone stand and now they, you know, they're doing drugs and it's gone.
It's just, you know, the river's changing.
The banks are changing.
So I'm just trying to stay current.
You know, I'm just trying to just keep I'm just trying to keep just keep kicking my legs, man.
You know, I'm trying to just keep kicking my legs, and I hope you are too.
And I'm happy to be with you guys today from the Central East out here.
And I don't know exactly what I'm talking about, but then again, I never really have, man.
You know, when I was young, they had, when I was young, a lot of people couldn't read.
You know, you'd meet a guy, he don't even, he's just standing there with a book.
He don't, you know, he's trying to, you know, squeeze a glass of water out of it or something.
Like, what are you doing?
You don't, that's, you know, that's not for that.
Some people couldn't read.
You know, you see a guy, he really, you know, he'll have a book, but he's trying to feed it to a pigeon.
Well, damn, that's the wrong idea, Rodney.
That's not for that.
People couldn't read every, you know, nowadays most people can read, or at least guess what a book is about.
But when I was young, it was different, man.
It was different.
Times are changing, man.
The current is changing.
But remember who your waves are, baby.
We got each other, man.
We got each other.
Let's get into the episode.
Let's get into the episode.
Come on.
Bishop Gum, baby, get me back to it.
Stay in the river, baby.
I'm just sitting on your front porch, wondering how could I be so far from my mind is somewhere else.
But when I find it, I'll patch up where it's been blown.
Now I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind.
I found I can feel it in my bones.
Same old stream, baby.
But it's gonna take a little time.
Live from the Central East.
For me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind.
Shine that light on me.
Come on, baby.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song I will sing it just for you.
I've been moving way too fast on the runaway train for my heavy load of my past.
Oh, yeah, and that's a beautiful tune right there.
And you know that shine by Bishop Gunn, a band that is disbanded.
And disbanding is when you leave each other.
Somebody's got an ego, somebody's got a drugs, somebody's got an angry wife, and somebody don't have any gas money, and somebody owns all the copyrights, and shit falls apart, man.
And that's disbanding, they call it.
But one of my favorite groups of all time, probably one of the premier groups.
I mean, if you divided damn Stephen Tyler up into about eight people, you'd have Bishop Gunn.
And that's their song, Shine, man.
And that makes me feel familiar.
You know, when I hear that song, I feel familiar.
I feel like a sense of like familiarity.
And, man, I like familiarity is something for me.
It's like putting on a...
You know, that's familiarity for me.
And, you know, during COVID, a lot of familiarity is what's, you know, it's been kind of eroding a little.
You know, the fabric of our lives, like they say on that commercial, Haynes or whatever it is, or downy software.
I don't know what it is.
Haines, I think, the fabric of our lives.
Panties or whatever.
But, you know, they say on there that, you know, the fabric of our lives is like society.
It's the things we're used to, you know, and it all starts to things just start to adjust a little.
And I'm not trying to put you down in a ditch here.
I'm just saying, you know, I'm just kind of noticing that in my own world, like things are adjusting.
You know, people are moving in different places and making changes.
People are, you know, the venues that were open before aren't open now.
So you can't go hear your favorite band.
You can't go hear Dan and Shea or, you know, who else, man?
Leon Bridges or Juvenile.
You know, you can't go hear your favorite musicians anymore.
It's just, you know, things are just changing.
The place you got that beautiful Don at, that place shut down, you know?
The place you used to go buy a little hat for your lady.
Get your lady a hat.
Maybe your lady's kind of, you know, she's a six out of 10, and so you get her a fucking big ass hat every now and then.
You know what I'm saying?
Kind of keep her, you know, tell her us to keep her safe, but you know what's up.
And that shop's closed.
Things are just changing.
So we just got to stand tall, man.
You know, and so I'm thinking about that for myself.
How do I stay the same?
do I manage who I am when everything else feels a little bit unmanageable you know you You know, how do I know where I'm going when the trail is like slow?
It's kind of just disappearing.
Like, you ever see that movie Back to the Future?
It's about some basically people that are hitchhiking through a clock.
And, you know, the guy's kind of a little bit of a bitch, but he, you know, he has on a life jacket.
And so he always survives no matter where he is.
And he died.
That guy died, I think, eventually of HIV.
But the movie, the first episode is about he meets Benjamin, not Benjamin Franklin, he meets Thomas Alva Edison.
And what a crazy middle name for a guy, Alva.
But Thomas Alva Edison, he meets that man, and it gets, you know, things kind of hilarity ensues from there.
But, shit, man, what was I talking about?
Yeah, just different time, you know, it's just, you know, but anyway, but yeah, but the trail that we're on, I feel like the woods or everything's just kind of dissent.
It's getting foggy.
It's getting vague.
The path that I knew I was on, it's just there's more uncertainty now.
And I'm sure, I'm, I'm, I'm not sure, but I'm, you know, it's just, that's what it's like for me.
I don't know what it's like for someone else, but that's what it's like for me.
And it starts to feel, you know, it just felt, you start to feel not unsure of yourself, but whereas it used to be you were going through the woods on a trail.
Now you're just kind of the woods or the trails kind of disappearing like in those photos on Back to the Futures.
The woods, it's just, it's, and you're like, damn, I don't know.
I don't know exactly where I'm headed.
So I just have to focus on where I am, I guess.
You know, and today I'm glad that I'm here with you.
I'm in a safe place.
And, you know, I remember for the first time I ever felt a safe place was when I was probably about 15, maybe.
And they had a family that lived in a different neighborhood than where I lived.
And I was, you know, I was a real stressed out child.
You know, I was all, I was rattled, baby.
I had a, you know, I just had really, I had that rattle in me.
If you come, you know what I'm saying?
You could hear me.
I had like a damn catalytic converter with a damn dime in it.
You know, I always had a little bit of that rattle.
And I remember when I got, when I was about 15, put the cans on.
Click News Life.
When I was about 15, a family said I could come live with them.
And they had an extra bedroom.
And I got in there.
I remember the first time I got in that room, I closed the door.
And I just felt like I had some room.
I felt like I was off the roller coaster.
I felt like I had a little bit of space.
I just remember feeling like it was the first time I had my own room.
And man, so I was excited.
And that night I got high.
I lived.
I smoked a joint inside and almost got kicked out of the place.
But what I'm trying to say is that, shit, I don't know what I'm trying to say, really.
I don't know, man.
But dude, I do remember this.
They had this girl named Debbie.
And they called her Medium Debbie.
She wasn't big, but she wasn't little.
You know, and Little Debbie had already been kind of taken over by the sugar company.
By the, what do they call that?
I know bakery, but I'm thinking of...
Pastisserie.
Let me look it up right here.
Pastisseri.
And nothing.
Nothing comes up.
Pastisseri.
And I'm talking about like a pastisseri.
Let me Google it.
Pastis.
Pastisseri.
Patisseri.
And a patisserie is a shop where pastries and cakes are sold.
Patisserie.
Yeah, so this, they called her medium Debbie.
Because she had, you know, she was really kind of big bone, you know, like a kind of big bone, like she had a little bit of Great Dane in her.
But, you know, heavy cal Great Dane that had been on like a heavy calcium diet.
She, you know, she was full throttle up in the chest like me.
You know, I'm built like a Conestoga wagon, baby.
I'm built like a thumb with an attitude, dog.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm that downhill bad boy.
If you catch me on the side to side, son, I'm ready.
I'll spill my drink.
But if you got me going barreling straight downhill, son, you know, the town that's in the valley is, they got a bowling ball heading at them.
But they call her medium Debbie, dude.
And whenever I got into that, anyway, so anyway, I ended up living with these people when I was young.
And after I got sex for the first time, you know, I wanted, you know, once you get sex, you want more sex because that's how it works.
You know, apparently what they put in sex is just a lot of good feeling.
And so once you get that sex, you want extra.
You know, you go back for second or third helpings, man.
Yeah, just put another couple scoops of that ass in there for me.
You feel me?
Just that kind of vibe.
But they had this girl named Medium Debbie.
She would come around and she would basically, she would put her body, she'd kind of knock on the window at night.
And it would have to be, this is when I was a senior in high school.
And she would put her, you'd open the window and she would kind of, you know, she was cool.
Y'all would have a little bit of a cigarette or something.
And then she would put her body, the back part of her body, you know, that ass and legs.
She'd put that in the window, front part out of the window, kind of keeping lookout, you know, like a little bit of that alert warbler.
And she'd let you kind of do at it.
She'd let you do at that, you know, you know, make out, do a little bit of sex, do that with the inside half of her.
And she'd put that, you know, that lower half of her body in the window and let you ride it.
She'd let you ride on that thing, you know, like a jet ski.
And she'd say, oh, you like that white boy?
And she was white, I think, or she was, she might have been a little bit Native American, you know, because she had that little thirsty buffalo on her, you know what I'm saying?
And so she'd like to be like, oh, you like that white boy.
You like that white boy.
And you just, damn, you just really feel the vibe, you know.
And one thing I did love about her, she had gum on her always.
She's the kind of girl you could put, I mean, if you're making love to her from behind, you could set your gum on her, you know, on her back or something.
She even, I remember, had these earrings for a little while that had two little kind of Easter baskets on them.
Just two little, just, you know, just the Lord's little coin purses, just, you know, just Jesus' little return buckets, you know, just two little Easter baskets just hanging off her ears.
And she would keep gum in them.
She would chew gum and she would keep watermelon in that little right bucket and then a mint gum in the left.
And she would just, you know, whatever she was doing, business or pleasure, she'd put the one in and when she was done chewing it or needed to holster it, she'd lobe that thing up in that lobe satchel, you know.
But damn, that was a, you know, that's what I liked about being young.
You know, somebody could come by and just put their body in your window and you could do sex and, you know, enjoy each other's company.
But nowadays, it's like you don't even know.
Nowadays, you don't even know.
You spray out of a moving vehicle who, you know, and it doesn't even mean anything, it feels like.
When I was young, you know, it just was different.
We had a fella used to bust out out of the school bus and they had a challenge fella.
You know, this fella had a straight hit of the chism.
He would catch, you know, he would fucking wore a catcher's mitt always.
And he didn't play on a squad, but he was, you know, he was mitted up.
And he would just, you know, snag it, bruh.
Shit is different times, man.
What's going on?
What have I been up to?
Well, I've been home shopping.
And when you're home shopping, it's hard.
I mean, you go in and it's like every little thing you don't think about.
Do you Want upstairs?
I mean, that's a question you never even asked yourself.
Do you want upstairs?
And I don't know if I, you know, I don't know if I like upstairs.
I guess, I guess I do.
You know what?
I do like, I like upstairs because like if you're up, upstairs always gives you an excuse.
Somebody's like, hey, can you, honey, can you help me get the, I'm upstairs.
You like that white boy.
Honey, do you, you know, Randall can't find his domino set.
I'm upstairs.
Yeah, I can't breathe.
I'm upstairs.
Jesus.
I'm upstairs.
So that's one thing I like about upstairs is you always have kind of that get out of life free card or get out of wife free card or get out of whatever free card.
You know?
The house is on fire.
I'm upstairs.
What do you want me to do?
So that's one thing.
Upstairs gives you that advantage, you know?
Upstairs gives you that advantage of being not having to deal with stuff.
But you have to ask yourself that.
Do I want an upstairs?
Do I want a pool where somebody could obviously drown?
If you have a yard, if somebody falls down in your yard, you know, unless you tie a bag of water around their head, they're going to be okay.
But if your yard is made out of water because it's a pool, then they're not.
And so that's how you got to equavolate all that.
So, and then suddenly you're like, okay, well, do I want a dog?
Okay.
Do I need an outside?
Do I need an inside?
You know, it's just, it's interesting.
Do I want a garage?
Do I not want a garage?
Do I need a fireplace?
Do I like fire?
That's a big question if you're looking for a home.
Because it's real scary when somebody, you know, I never had a fireplace growing up.
You know, our place caught on fire a couple times, but that was, you know, that was, wasn't by design.
So when somebody, you know, somebody says, hey, man, we're going to give you the opportunity to have fire inside of your house, dog, that shit seems real sketchy to me.
It seemed like a real scam by the insurance company.
Hey, hey, once you have a little fire in there, we'll charge you an extra G a month.
Because you in a, you know, you sitting there in a living room with a couple logs playing Mr. Wizard.
It's just riskier, you know, so it's just a lot of things.
You know, how many rooms do you want?
Well, I can only be in one room at a time, you know.
So, you know, no matter how fast I am.
So it's like, how many rooms do you want?
Well, probably five, I guess.
But then some places they don't have five.
They only got 13 rooms.
You're like, well, damn.
And then you're like, well, are friends going to come over?
How often are they going to come over?
Are they going to come over every day?
Are they going to come over every year?
I start thinking, well, I want to have a pool, you know, so if my friends come over, they're like, well, is that going to be three times a year?
Or is that going to be every, you know, it's just, how many times are friends coming over now?
It's just different.
It's just, you start to think about a lot of things.
And different things in a home lead you to different questions about yourself.
So, you know, it's just been interesting, man.
It's been interesting.
What else is going on?
Pittsburgh Stillers.
eight no thank you Jerry Olshansky, dog.
Thank, thank, thank.
Donnie come down from there.
Donnie.
Over there in Shinley Park with Cordell Stewart dropping bee gees on people.
You feel me?
Hey, Junior.
You got to love Pittsburgh, man.
But football even feels different this year.
You know, I'm not as engaged.
I don't care as much.
It's just there's something happening in the world where it's like the things that had become these pillars of that had become these bumpers, these day-to-day bumpers you would bounce off from one to the next and would kind of keep you going down the path.
Some of those are disappearing or they're not the same or they're you realize that they weren't what you thought they were.
And so it's interesting to be to still walk the trail not knowing who designed it or where it's going or if this was a path you chose on purpose.
It's interesting, man.
What else?
What else is going on with me?
I've been house shopping.
I've been oh, I watched the Queen's Gambit.
And look, if you, and it's not something you're going to, you know, touch yourself to.
So if you're going into it, that thing and then that.
Some people think the Queen's Gambit, they think, oh, yeah.
I've seen the Queen's Gambit, bro.
It's freaking, you know, it's that WAP, you know, but this is just a show about chess.
And everybody knows, man, I got in a fight with a kid.
We had to hug each other in the hallway in middle school, and he taught me how to play chess.
And he was kind of violent, but then he taught me how to play chess while we were in detention together.
And I learned it, and I went on to become someone that maybe played two games of chess their entire life.
But the Queen's Gambit is good if you're a man or woman.
If you're even an educated 16-year-old, you'll enjoy it.
If you're an idiot, you will not like it.
It's not for you, man.
Get a dirt bite.
But the Queen's Gambit is very entertaining, and I suggest that.
It's amazing when you see a good show, how bad you realize the other shows are.
Like you see the Queen's Gambit and you're like, how is this so good?
But all of that is garbage, man.
What am I talking about, man?
I guess what I'm always talking about, nothing really.
So how are we supposed to know what to shop for right now?
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I want to let you know right now, well, I want to let you know that the studio is coming along better and we're taking care of it.
And I'm grateful to the people that have been helping me.
And I'm grateful to you guys for being supportive as we gear it along and figure out.
It's a lot of moving pieces.
Where are we going to live?
Where's it going to be?
Part-time, full-time.
You know, it's just like I was talking about earlier with the things around us.
Everything's shape-shifting.
And you don't know if you got a Rubik's cube or a damn eight ball.
You just don't know what's happening.
But I know this, man, is that I need help.
And I have friends that help me.
And sometimes I need therapeutic help.
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There's no shame in it.
There's no shame in getting help, man.
You know, I don't know where I'd be without my friends, man.
It's amazing sometimes how your friends will just continue to put up with you over and over again.
Isn't that wild?
That blows my mind, man.
It bees my M. What else?
Oh, I want to let you know.
I want you to save time on Thursday, December 17th.
I want you to save some time out of your evening schedule.
It looks like myself and Chelsea Lynn, she's a very funny young lady.
She was on a few episodes ago.
We are going to do a live event.
And it's going to be a Christmas holiday talent spectacular extravaganza.
And it's going to be, I mean, it's going to be next level.
So we're really, really excited about it.
It'll be coming to you live, live from the Central East.
So we'll put tickets on sale for that soon.
We're just figuring out everything that's going to be in it.
And I'm kind of nervous, you know, but I'm very excited.
You know, I'm excited to just kind of try things a little bit different and just do something new.
So it'll be exciting.
So I just want to let you know, save that space on your schedule.
Probably be 7 p.m.
or 8 p.m.
Central Standard Time.
Probably 8 p.m.
And we're excited about that.
So keep your ears and your face open to that.
What else?
We got some calls that came in.
As always, the hotline 985-664-9503.
Here we go.
Yo.
Yo.
Yo, it's Christopher down in the Big Easy.
What's up, Christopher?
And I used to know a boy named Christopher, and they called him Toby or Tobias.
And some people, they open their mouth, it goes sideways a little.
And that was him.
Onward.
I want to say what up to El Rey de Rata.
El Rey de Rata, the Rat King, baby.
El Rey de Raton, El Rey de Rata.
One or the other, baby.
And that's that Spanish rat, baby.
That queso monster gang.
Dude, I actually grew up on the North Shore, and I heard about your legendary status from the Mandeville High Days that lived right around the corner.
I went to the rival St. Paul's, though.
Okay, you took in high school time, brother.
And that's when I was really first experiencing erection and really just, I mean, damn, I had a real, just a pertinent penis on me at the time.
You know what I'm saying?
My dick really had an attitude.
I had that Muhammad Ali of dick at the time.
And sorry, excuse my language, a little bit vulgar.
But yeah, brother, yeah, I don't know if I had any stuff alleged.
And I definitely, you know, I had some good times.
I remember doing a bunch of mushrooms one time and stayed in the bathroom at school all day.
And I stayed in there and just, you know, I cut all the faucets on and just tried to, I thought I could get to the bottom of the water in the city.
I was like, if I run these long enough, I'll get to the end of the water.
And then we will know the truth.
But it never happened, man.
I remember doing that.
What else?
I remember being in the bathroom another time and a friend of mine threatened our Spanish teacher.
Dude, we had a crazy Spanish teacher, man.
Mr. Vlayette.
And this dude, he would, he had his bonus points, bro.
People, everybody, bro, nobody in our school could speak Spanish.
We had people that have been in Spanish for 11 years, no Spanish.
You know what I'm saying?
Drive right through an Alto sign.
Nothing.
Just no, just nada, you know?
But he'd give you 75,000 bonus points.
If you made a casserole, you made a damn quesadilla, he'd give you 32,000 bonus points.
You bring in a habaniero pepper dog.
If you bring in just a regular can of pepper and wrote habanero on the side, he'd give you 16,000 bonus points.
Just his bonus point system was just, it made no sense, you know?
If you got beat up by a Mexican dude, he'll give you 6,000 bonus points.
So it just, you know, everything he did was crazy.
And one time I'm in the bathroom just doing peeing, you know, not doing drugs.
And my friend Paul had like a C or something or a D. And Paul was in there and Mr. Vlayette was in there.
And Paul was a tough guy, man.
Paul was my friend, and he still is my friend.
So that's called friendship.
And he was a tough guy, and he told Mr. Vlayette he was, Mr. Vlayette was peeing.
And he kind of looked like a guy that didn't have a big dick on him, if I'm honest.
I don't like to say that, but it seemed like it.
Like, if you had to find his dick, it would take you a while.
If it was outside, you know, in like a, you know, you know, like in a field of like freshly, like even if it was out on like a field of freshly cut grass, it would take you a couple minutes.
They'll probably locate it.
But anyway, you know, Mr. Vlayette's over there holding on to his penis and he's peeing.
And my friend Paul said, hey, Mr. Vlayette, if you're going to give me a D, I'm going to expose your whole fucking program.
He said, you know, I know you're giving people, you know, 700,000 bonus points for a damn, you know, for an enchilada recipe.
So I'm about to fuck you, you know, if you, I remember he said, if you don't get it right, you're going to suffer the consequences.
Dude, this student told the teacher that.
And I'm just in there pissing or pretending like I'm pissed and waiting for somebody that had a cigarette.
You know, just being in high school, basically.
And so finally he said, and Mr. Vlayette said, okay.
And he gave him a C, bro, so he could pass, man.
Praise God.
But I don't know if that's the kind of shit that you heard about me in high school or what happened.
That's most of the good stuff that happened.
You know?
That's most of the good stuff that happened to me, man.
And St. Paul's, St. Paul's was an all-male school.
St. Paul's.
That's where you went to all-male.
And a lot of parents at this time in history, a lot of parents wouldn't send their child to all-male because they think they're never going to see a woman and they're going to love men.
You know, they're never going to see a breast or see a couple bitches beating each other with Braziers or anything after the school bus, after they missed the bus because they was smoking.
So I think a lot of people was afraid to send their child over to that kind of thing.
But let's hear more, man.
Thanks for the call.
I'm really transgressing.
But he said to call in if we were listening and hell yeah, I'm listening.
I'm loving what you do.
Very uplifting.
Hilarious.
Anyway, just giving you a big shout out from the Big Easy while we get ready for that Gato Uno, that Category 1 hurricane today.
Gang, brother, thanks for the call, man.
You guys are prepared for a storm every day.
Every day down there.
If you put a slicker on a kid.
Hell, you throw a frisbee to somebody, you better put a raincoat on it.
That shit, everything down there is damn drowning.
They should have mandatory Snorkels.
But thank you for the call, brother.
And thanks for that's interesting that there's some let that there's stories that float around about me from there from being a child you know the family that let me come stay with them that's what took me from one I grew up in a totally more rural area and they lived in a fancier area nicer and that's what took me from one area to another that took me to a one you know more rural town to more of a suburb and
so I had different a plethora of experiences man let's take another call here as always the hotline 985-664-9503 what's up video Thomas here calling from Houston Texas it's trying to hold it down you know I've been thinking recently you know work is so stressful I work in a warehouse and I pull products and it might not sound stressful but
it's extremely stressful and I think I think at the end of the day most days I think life would probably be easier if I was just homeless if I scrape vibes picking up cans or you know holding out a little bucket maybe some little but the hair wrong I want to get your thoughts on that you know very simple the homeless way of living amen sir and
thank you sir and it's an important question man and it's one we all ask ourselves every day should I just be homeless and the answer changes man but the truth about homeless is look I think about it a lot is it fun to be a contributing member of society because that's the opposite of homelessness is it
fun to be a contributing member of society well let me look at this is it fun sometimes I would love to lay in the park and do dope and pretend I'm fucking somebody but I'm not yeah and have a freaking you know and have a two drink Pepsi straight out the two liter and
get sunburned yeah yes I would love that sometimes but that's gonna fade off pretty quick by about three in the afternoon you're gonna want a place to wash up and that's where it gets dicey when the drugs wear off you know when you start to know you know you start to see different birds in the park
and you know them that's that's got to be a tough moment you know most of America's homeless are drug addicted or mentally ill you don't meet a lot of yeah I couldn't pay my rent so I'm just I'm gonna live out here now you don't you don't meet a lot like that you know and yes sometimes I would like to be homeless you don't think I want to you know
hide a cinnamon roll in the woods and go get it a month later when I'm when I'm high on methamphetamines dude and I'm low on mathematics and reading yes I do but we need to be clear on who is homeless and who is not homeless people it's either mentally ill or drug addicted and it's that those are the people that's living under the interstate you know those are those roadside
warriors other people are camping so many people send me uh pictures like oh so many homeless people up here in Yosemite bitch those are campers those are campers you know homeless people ain't free solo and El Capitan Papa those are hikers okay people are like oh man just
just made my way to top of Kilimanjaro lot of vagrants up here RIP Africa those aren't homeless okay those those are Patagonia addicted carabiner junkies okay let's be let's be clear those people aren't shooting up heroin and and and playing freeze tag with their own soul behind a Carls Jr so that's what I'm saying when it come to homeless you got to know
the difference KYD baby gang baby sorry I had to urinate right there I mean if you've ever urinated man it's uh I mean it's beautiful really when you think about it you know the fact that you get to push water out of your body and it feels good I mean I never could have come up with that so
that's pretty remarkable right there and that's God baby so let's get into a little more here let's see what we got here we got a call that came in right here let's take a call yo Theo von this is Luke from down here in Baton Rouge man what's up Luke from Baton Rouge and Luke is usually from the Bible but I see you kind of
taking a detour homeward brother I'm big fan big fan actually I saw you down in New Orleans at the house of blues once it was a good great show actually but look thank you man it's nice of you to say that man it really is and yes you know it used to be that we could be out there doing it and doing the rigmarole and and doing the live show and now it's a little different now but we're here together right now and that's What's important,
and that's what's unique about this, Luke.
Is that you and I were together there, and here we back here together, man.
And that's something if you think about something, that could be it.
Onward, look, man, I got a little question.
Um, my brother's getting married in a couple of weeks, and uh, I'm I've got his best man, of course.
I know that you were actually your brother's best man.
I've got to give you a toast to him, of course.
Interesting, man.
Obviously, Luke is a stalker as well, but no, we appreciate, yeah, I was a best man at my brother's wedding.
Was I the best man?
Oh, Jesus, dude, my brother's gonna freaking hate me, dude.
I mean, my brother's my best man.
I know that, you know, I never, I don't know.
Jeep, jeeps, jeeps.
Anyway, enough about me.
Onward, Luke.
I want to hear more from you, man.
Dad, you were actually your brother's best man.
I've got to give, you know, a toast to him, of course.
I'm an emotional person.
I don't know how emotional I should get with the toast and, you know, whatnot.
So I figured I'd ask if you had some pointers since you had been there before being the best man for your brother.
If you have any advice for that, let me know, man.
Also, I hope all is well.
Show's great.
Love listening to it.
Tell all my friends about it and everything, man.
Gang gang.
Take care, buddy.
Gang gang, baby.
Thanks, Luke.
That's sweet of you, man, for the message.
And wow, you know, that's a good question.
What do we do for our brothers?
You know, it's funny if I gave my brother a best man speech now as opposed to whenever I did, apparently.
And I, dude, this is embarrassing, man.
It just goes to show how much I'm just stuck in my own head thinking about myself.
I can't even remember.
I remember, actually, you know what?
I remember playing at my brother's bachelor party, almost killed us in a 12-pass van.
We had non-alcoholic jello shots.
There's a lot of things I do remember.
It was a beautiful wedding, but I don't remember having to give a specman speech, though.
Did we do?
Jesus.
Oh, my God, dude.
I think my brother listens to this.
Anyway, Luke, enough about me, man.
That's a good question.
You know, I think, first of all, I would keep it semi-concise.
I wouldn't go over two minutes.
I think two minutes is about as long as you kind of want to go.
But, of course, obviously, I don't know, man.
You know, if you have a suggestion for Luke, you can hit the hotline.
We'll circle back up with some of these next week.
985-66495-03.
what's the best way to do a best man speech?
What's the best way to, you know, I think you want to, I think talking about a certain moment in your life when whatever your brother did or said or a behavior of his.
Oh, Jesus.
Trying to have a feeling and I get an email.
I would find a time when your brother had a behavior or an action or said something that resonated with you and just stuck with you.
You know?
You can even just specify on one moment when he just really, when he was a brother.
You know, a brother is a lot of things.
I think it's really selfless and I think it's a good brother anyway.
And it's, you know, it's loving, it's caring, it's sacrificial.
And it's hard.
It's hard to be sometimes an older brother.
It's hard to be a younger brother.
I mean, I think a lot of that could go into, you know, depending on where you are in the brother chain.
But that's a good question.
If you have some suggestions for Luke, you can hit the hotline.
Again, 985-6649503.
Sometimes I forget it.
But yeah, you know, I think just iterating something that they, a moment that they've done where they really showed you they cared about you or really, you know, and just let them know how much you care.
You know, let them just let it.
I think it's a good time really.
Yeah, you're kind of wishing him best of luck in his marriage, but it's also a moment where you get to let your brother know how you feel about him in a public way without, you know, being homosexual or without being, you know, without name-calling or anything.
You get to really just be loving.
So, and you could start off with a joke, you know.
You could say, you know, I want to, you know, I'm so happy, you know, I got my brother here, if he even is my brother.
And then call out your mom.
Say, you know, if he even is my brother, Diane.
Because we all know you've done some things.
And just let that sit for about another second or two.
And that'll do, that'll really cook up some humor.
And it could, I mean, who knows?
I don't know what your mother's like, but it could also cause some controversy.
Or it could, you know, dig up some old stuff.
But yeah, that's a great question, man.
And we'll put that out to the listeners and we'll do a response back to you on the next episode.
What else do we have here?
What else is going on with me, man?
I'm trying to think about...
You know, Brendan Schaub is coming to town this weekend, so going to hopefully get to go catch up with him.
So looking forward to that.
Dustin Poirier and Conor McGregor are fighting.
And man, this thing really hits some of the because I know you know, we've been Dustin Poirier fans here.
We've been underdog fans here.
We've been the Good Fight Foundation fans here since we got to know Dustin.
And I know it's kind of late in his career that we kind of jumped on that Bayou Bad Boy bandwagon, but we love him.
You know, we love what he stands for.
He fights for people like us.
We've always kind of felt that, I feel like.
And by him coming on the podcast, he gave us a lot of credibility and just being able to talk to fighters like him and people who are like him.
And so, you know, what was I saying?
So it's just crazy that he's getting to do this fight because he held out of the Ferguson fight because the money wasn't right.
They weren't treating him fairly.
And it's interesting to take a moment where something is not feeling fair and to stand up for yourself, to stand your ground and say no.
Because then once you say no, whatever the opportunity cart, it was coming by.
And it's saying, hey, here's an opportunity, bucko.
And you saying, oh, no, that's not for me.
And then the cart leaves.
And then you just sitting on the porch.
And then you just hoping another cart comes by.
And sometimes the cart doesn't come by.
Even for the good guys, the guys who are trying to do it the right way.
The guys who stand up for themselves.
Sometimes the cart doesn't come by.
So when you see the cart, the next cart that comes by, and that cart is a fucking Irish parade of senior citizen punching liquor junkies named Connor F. and McGregorman.
Dude, that is exciting as hell.
And it's inspiring.
That's inspiring.
So yeah, just to like have had the opportunity to talk to Dustin in between those moments when it was like, you know, I'm not sure, but this, I know that I need to stand up for myself.
I need to stand my ground.
And that's just amazing that it's inspiring to see that life will reward us.
But he also didn't give up at those moments.
He stayed, you know, kept training.
To keep training when you don't even know if there's going to be a choo choo, that's crazy.
To keep training when you don't even know if the Amtrak is still in business.
Oh.
So it's just exciting, man.
And you got to commend Connor McGregor for saying this is some, you know, because he's at a level where, you know, he's also such a business.
So when he touches something, it just generates more business to that thing.
So for him to have that part of him that recognizes, hey, let's do this and recognizes when good deeds have gone undone.
Like I personally feel like they had gone in the case of Dustin Poirier and Tony Ferguson in their quest to get just a better contract deal with UFC.
Hats off to him, man.
It's just, it's cool.
And it's fucking exciting.
And everybody wins.
Everybody wins.
When Dustin wins, then it sets up the trilogy.
When, yeah, that's it.
That's it, bro.
That's it.
So I don't know if Rogan will let me go to the fight again, man.
I think I made kind of, I think I just got too crazy last time, dude.
I punched my date.
I fucking put Mark Norman in a chokehold.
You know, it was a lot.
It was a lot, man.
God, that was one of the craziest nights I ever was part of.
I had a beautiful date.
My girl Megan, we went.
It was fun.
And it was just like, man, we were right there.
And these guys were gladiators.
That was when Dustin Poirier was fighting Tony Holloway.
God.
And that's when Israel Addisania and Kelvin Gasalam went at it, bro.
Like a couple of fucking funky donkeys, bro.
They went at it.
Oh, that was a good night.
Anyway, man, if you have some advice for Luke from Baton Rouge, hit the hotline.
985-664-9503.
Let's take another call here, man.
And then we got some great calls that came in on the hotline, and we'll get to them next week, the rest of them.
Also, I want to let you know that I've been trying to get a new home, you know, and it's my first real home that I'm going to live in and own.
And it's exciting, but I had some dings on my credit.
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All right, let's take another call here.
All right, here we go.
What's going on, Theo?
This is Julian Powers, calling from Niagara Falls, Canada.
What's up, Julian?
And that's a clean water thoroughfare up there.
Niagara, man, I want to thank you, too, because we drink a lot of that.
And we've been sipping off of y'all for a while, sucking off that clean titty while we down here flinting.
Gang shit, Omer.
And I had a question for you.
So I'm 21 years old.
I just moved out of my house for the first time.
I'm ready to take on the world.
And I was wondering what you would tell yourself if you could speak to your 21-year-old self.
Because I'm out here trying to get some life experience.
And I think I have big dreams for myself.
But, you know, I easily stop myself from achieving those dreams.
I'm my own worst enemy in a lot of ways.
Maybe it's a lack of belief.
Maybe I just don't have the right tools.
I don't know.
I think I have everything I need in me, but I just got to get my brain right.
But I'd be very interested in knowing what you would tell your 21-year-old self.
Gang, brother.
Thanks, Julian, for that question, man.
You know, what would I tell my 21-year-old self?
I would say ask her out.
No matter who she is, whether she's a job or a new city or an actual person.
You know, whether she's an opportunity or a fear.
You know, if you're afraid of heights, ask her out.
Hey, Heights, what you doing at night?
Even though I recommend doing heights during the daytime when you can see what's going on.
But, you know, like whatever she is, man, ask her out.
You know, the saddest things in my life, I remember almost touching a girl's body one time, and she wanted me to.
So I wasn't, you know, everybody was awake.
But I didn't try to.
And she was beautiful.
And I was beautiful, dude.
I was young.
And man, I just, if I could go back to that moment and just not be afraid, just recognize that I, look, whatever could be out there, I could have it.
Man, that was, you know, so ask her out, whatever she is.
What else would I tell myself?
Everything's going to be okay.
Everything you're worried about is going to be okay.
That too, whatever it is, that also is going to be fine.
Try some mushrooms, man.
Have a few more mushrooms here and there.
Do it in a safe environment.
You know, don't drive while you're doing it, but do it somewhere and have fun.
Find people that you care about that you can listen to and that will listen to you.
What else would I tell my 21-year-old self?
Take a chance, man.
You know, I remember when I was, I don't know, some type of age, but my best friend Scott, his dad, I was asking, I was thinking, you know, should I move to Los Angeles?
And he said, yes.
Yes, you should.
I said, well, why?
He goes, because you can always come back.
You can always come back.
Whatever it is, you can always come back.
Throughout my life, I've been back home to my, you know, my Louisiana homes 50 times.
You can always come back.
Whatever that thing is, that's a possibility.
Go grab that bitches by the nut.
Smoke my natch, fam.
You got to get out there.
Whatever it is, ask her out.
And yeah, and he was right.
If that man had never said, hey, you should go do that, I never would have.
I never would have tried to go do comedy or do this or go to Los Angeles.
He said, you can always come back, but go do it.
You'll never have that freedom like you do when you're 21 or whatever age.
He didn't specify because I don't know what age I was.
I don't know.
But time, yeah, time's slow, slow in the beginning.
And then that bitch will fucking Usane on you, son.
So.
But you're going to be fine, man.
No matter what, you're going to be okay.
Just remember that you already are okay.
So you got this, baby boy.
And I love you, man, and I'm excited for you.
We got some other great calls, man.
We'll get to them next week.
I think we've done a lot this week, and I appreciate you guys for being here and being a part of my life.
You know, and I'm glad at least I have this.
This is something that's normal.
This is something that we don't, you know, we just stay right in the flow of it.
You know, this is something that'll change a little, but we try not to let it change too much.
And I'm glad you allowed me to just kind of check in with you and see what's going on in your lives.
You know, we got a lot of good people out there.
And we can't forget that.
Even though the structure may get a little shaky.
The people are still the same.
The people are still the same people.
You know, the people are still good.
So you guys be good to yourselves.
And I'm going to try to do the same.
You know, I'm going to try to just work more on the gratitude.
Man, there's so many things to be grateful for, especially this time of year.
And yeah, the structure's kind of disappearing on the outside.
So it's a lot of like, what structure am I going to make for myself?
What current am I going to ride?
And if the current isn't there, am I strong enough to care for myself?
Am I strong enough to keep pedaling?
And I think I am, man.
And I think you are, too.
I'm not trying to tell you, but I'm just sharing what I'm telling you.
But yeah, go watch Queen's Gambit.
That'd be something nice you can do with a loved one.
Start shopping for Christmas now.
Get somebody something nice.
Get some flowers for a loved one.
Tip your cleaning, lady.
Take a friend to lunch.
The holidays are here already.
You know, the holidays start whenever we want them to.
So we can do it, man.
I love you guys, man.
Thank you guys for supporting the podcast.
Let's go out the way we came in with a little bit of Bishop Gunn making it.
Let's go out the way we came in with a little bit of Bishop Gunn making it.
I ain't seen home in about a hundred days.
I can almost hear mama pray for my restless soul.
This is my ringtone in the morning.
And I ain't made a dollar I ain't spent, but where it's going ain't killed me yet.
I still get where I'm bound to go.
Y'all send in some advice for Luke, man, for that fella.
The best man.
I'm making it.
I'm making wrong feel right.
I'm making it.
And it feels where I'm headed down.
I'm making good tonight.
Hold the line, baby.
can do it.
And most all of my plans slip right through my hands and wind up next to me.
I'm upstairs.
If this bottle was an hourglass, I'd say that I'm about an hour pass.
Minute, I should've put it down.
Oh, you made a beyond this.
16,000 points.
I'm gonna beat the fuck out of you if you don't give me a say.
I'm making the feel right.
I'm making it and it feels like I'm getting there.
I'm making good time I want to thank our producer, Sean, and producer Nick.
I want to thank our associate producer, Colin Reiner, and everybody who's a part of this podcast.
We don't get it done alone right here.
And I want to thank God, man, for having our backs, man.
Between the lines that I've lost And the films I've lost I'll live here alone in my stead But
But I'm in pretty good shape for the shape that I'm in.
I'm making it.
I'm making it.
I'm making it wrong.
I want to thank Bresty Jeff.
Y'all remember Bresty Jeff, man, with the breasts?
And he had his mother Ginger come in, the truck driver.
I want to thank Frank Giles.
Frank Giles, baby, making cinnabons out of the dead.
You got to respect that man.
I'm making it tight.
I'm making it.
I'm making it.
I'm making it tight.
I hate Steve Holmin about a hundred days.
I can almost hear mama pray for my restless soul.
God bless y'all, man.
Gang shit.
Be good to yourself, man.
You deserve it.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Suiar.
Is it deal?
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
