Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool

Oct. 29, 2020 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

01:40:19

E303 Jo Koy 3

Jo Koy returns to talk to Theo about meeting strange men at the beach, printing comedy DVDs in their hotel rooms, and their struggles to earn respect in the industry. New Merch https://theovonstore.com This episode is brought to you: Magic Mind: https://magicmind.co and use promo code THEO for 10% off Zebra: https://thezebra.com/theo Lucy: https://Lucy.co and use code THEO Bridge Credit Solutions: https://bridgecreditsolutions.com/theo Music “Shine” - Bishop Gunn http://bit.ly/Shine_BishopGunn Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://bit.ly/TPW_VideoHotline Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Large

Audio Only |

Scroll

Time	Text
	Today's episode is brought to you by Magic Mind.
	And you want to know for a fact that the flow state now comes in a bottle.
	And you can drink it, you can devour it.
	I like to shake mine and then have it.
	Oh, yeah.
	You can check it out, magicmind.co.
	Use promo code Theo for 10% off.
	If you're tired of coffee, then try this.
	Today's episode features a beautiful man, and this is a comedy man, and he's got so many big things happening in his life.
	I think I'm just amazed we're even able to have him in here today.
	And he's a man of comedy, and you know him from Netflix and television.
	Ladies and gentlemen, my friend, Mr. Joe Coy.
	I'll take that parking brake and let myself unwind.
	Shine that light on me.
	I'll sit and tell you my stories.
	Shine on me.
	And I will find a song I've been singing just for me.
	Shine on me.
	Wait, are you dating away?
	I've been dating a girl on and off for a couple years, and then now I think we're not dating, so I'm just chilling.
	So are you in your head a lot?
	Like, do you hear words underneath sentences?
	Or do you, like, it's kind of like paranoia because we're in a certain position now?
	Does that make sense?
	Like, what do you mean?
	Like, like, okay, like, I know, I know that I, like, I make a certain amount of money.
	Okay.
	I know a lot of people.
	You know what I mean?
	Like, we're not looked at the same way.
	This is going to sound so.
	I don't want to sound cost-effective.
	You could sound arrogant, though.
	I think some people could sound arrogant.
	I don't think it's something that you could do.
	So I think no matter what you say, it's coming from a place where it's like, okay, I'm just trying to share what I'm feeling.
	That's how I feel.
	So it hinders my dating life.
	Really?
	Yeah, man.
	And I hate it because my trust is so, I've been burned a lot by, you know, by people I've dated.
	And then, and then, and it's just like, my trust is just so bad.
	Like, what are you in this for?
	Why are you with me?
	Why?
	Like, there's only one person I really trust, and that's my son's mom.
	She was with me when I had fucked up teeth, when I was working at Nordstrom Rack and Borders, doing Coke, working at some Marina Del Rey cleaning yachts and then running over to Laugh Factory and doing stage time.
	So she was there.
	I trust her.
	I don't trust anyone that came after this.
	It's really sucks, man.
	It really sucks.
	Sometimes do you feel bad for not like committing to the mom?
	Oh, to the mom.
	No, I think we both have like a great understanding.
	Man, we're if anyone gets a divorce, her and I should write a book because we are the greatest divorced couple of all time.
	If my mom and dad could have just done what we did, I mean, we'd have a great life right now.
	Like, I, like, maybe I wouldn't be so PTSD about my childhood.
	You know what I mean?
	Maybe I wouldn't be so holding on to certain feelings that I've had, you know, with my mom and my dad.
	You know?
	Yeah, it's damaging, man.
	Like, those relationships, and then you start to exhibit the same relation.
	You exude and do the same practices that were done to you.
	And I was starting to, Theo, when we first divorced, I was being that guy, you know?
	I'll make it harder for this bitch.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	Why, yeah, struggle, bitch.
	And then I was like, I remember my mom's like, you remember how you felt when, ah, shit, I don't want to put that out there, but, you know, I love my dad.
	You know what I mean?
	But they were going through a time and I didn't see my dad.
	And I don't ever want my son to feel that feeling of the dad not around.
	Yeah.
	And being a phone dad.
	Happy birthday, son.
	Like, it fucking hurts, man.
	Yeah.
	And, and I see it with you.
	That's why I don't know what I, you know, I don't dig into you, but when you do your, like, your single mom shows, that comes from a place, right?
	Like, is it because your mom was single?
	Yeah, my mom was single.
	I think, yeah, I think sometimes, you know, we just send some money out to some single moms.
	We'll, like, every now and then just write out some check, just nothing crazy, a couple hundred bucks.
	No, but that's so dope.
	But we have like a little group that we kind of try to add to over the time.
	But it's funny because I was thinking the other day, like, why do we do like what it?
	And I think it's just like, I think because I wish maybe somebody had like given my mom some extra money to do something or, and not that these women even need it.
	They might all be rich.
	I have no idea.
	Yeah.
	But, um, but you're also setting a trend and starting something new.
	Like, as long as you can plant the seed, as long as like, you know, you have a beautiful platform and you speak to a lot of people, a lot of kids too.
	And if they see something like that, that's inspirational.
	That, that teaches them not to, you know, oh, Theo did it.
	I'm going to do it.
	And that's, that's something I didn't have.
	I don't know how old you are.
	I'm older.
	I'm 40 years old.
	So I'm older than you.
	Not by much, but enough to like, during my time, I think divorce was new.
	Oh, wow.
	You know what I mean?
	I think divorce was new.
	And was there shame with divorce then?
	Yeah, like there was that.
	That's when all the divorce courts started coming out and all the divorce shows were coming out.
	And, you know what I mean?
	It was all new for everybody, you know, and, you know, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't get mad at my dad.
	I, you know, I tell my dad I love you so much all the time, but I also tell him I understand.
	Yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	It was a different time.
	Yeah, it was a different time.
	It was like their role models were like, had like, drove like Ford LTDs or whatever.
	Yeah.
	They had a pistol.
	Yeah.
	Several shooters.
	Yeah, six shooters with old bullets.
	It was different.
	Yeah, it was a different time.
	They always went off because there was no safety.
	You know what I mean?
	No safety.
	Because that guy, right?
	They always had uncles that told dirty jokes.
	Oh, it was disgusting.
	But there were dirty jokes that they got from a book.
	Yeah.
	Remember there was a book they used to sell?
	It was like, they used to have like the worst dirty books.
	I remember going there as a kid and say, do you know what I'm talking about?
	I don't remember that.
	I remember I was.
	Like truly tasteless books.
	Please look it up, Nick.
	Post it up.
	What up, Nick?
	When I was a kid, I remember a kid came to the school and this thing called the Truly Tasteless Books joke.
	And was he hiding it from the adults?
	Oh, it was, yeah.
	It was like a satanic book.
	You know what I mean?
	And we all gathered around during lunch and we all pulled it out of the table.
	Just Died.
	Died laughing.
	The most crudest, nastiest things you could ever read.
	We used to have a fella, we used to pay to have a dude who you'd pay him a couple dollars and he would draw you a piece of a little crotch at recess.
	This dude, Nick, bro.
	Was it Nick was his name?
	What was his name, Nick?
	Nick was the rapper.
	I don't remember this guy's name.
	But yeah, man, for a couple dollars, he'd sketch you out a beautiful piece of hood.
	And it just looked like it, huh?
	Bro, and if you had one of those, you were good for the weekend, you know?
	If you had a couple dollars to get you a little sketch.
	And I remember I used to bike across town to go.
	They had this man, and he had a family.
	And I would go over to his house, and I was like buddies with his son, and they had pornography up under the sink.
	Yeah.
	That's where it was.
	Oh, and I'd bike five miles over to their house on the weekend to go to the bathroom to pretend I was pooping for like an hour.
	Oh, and it was massive, right?
	It was a massive poop.
	You didn't even poop.
	Yeah, dude.
	And I'm just in there just jerking off and feeling sorry about myself.
	Then I had to come out of the bathroom and pretend to be friends with their son for a while.
	Yeah.
	And then you also had to let your semi go down.
	Oh.
	Because just because you're done, it's not.
	It doesn't go back to its resting place.
	It still has a lot of energy, a little life.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	You're still kind of excited, too.
	You think you could probably do it again?
	Oh, yeah.
	You're ready.
	Like, I'm just, yeah, I'm just waiting.
	I'm like building up steam to get back in there, you know?
	My friend's dad had a stack of magazines in his bathroom, and I always wanted to use his dad's bathroom.
	It was on top of the, you know, the tank, and it was like sports illustrated, sports illustrated, and then another magazine, mechanics, popular mechanics, and then the goodies.
	Tits only.
	Oh, yeah.
	Jugs.
	Jugs.
	Yeah.
	And he just had to use, he had to remember what magazine was on top.
	Yes, remember all of that?
	He had to pull it out slowly.
	Don't bend any pages.
	Set it down on the ground.
	Set it down.
	Don't get it wet.
	Don't get it wet.
	Bro, all of the...
	As long as you didn't put it back on top.
	Oh, if you put it on top, it's done.
	The whole mission is done.
	Then you blame it on your friend.
	Your friend did it.
	Yeah.
	He did it.
	And then the dad's like, oh, my friend, my son is a piece of shit.
	Yeah.
	Your son is.
	Yeah.
	Because I had no idea about these magazines.
	Which ones?
	Jugs.
	What is it about?
	Milk?
	Yeah, what is it about?
	Gallons of milk?
	Is it Instacart?
	What are you talking about?
	I cleaned my son's bed.
	I had to throw his bed away.
	He's had this bed.
	By the way, Theo, you don't have kids, right?
	No, I don't have any kids, man.
	I would like to have a kid, though.
	I'm putting that out there, man.
	Nice.
	You're going to love it, by the way.
	Really?
	Oh, it's the greatest thing in the world, having a kid.
	The saddest part is when they get old or older, they want to throw things away.
	And it's like you're throwing your heart in the garbage.
	So my son wanted to rearrange his room.
	He's had this room, you know, there's Michael Jordan stuff everywhere.
	It's bad.
	It's, you know, it's from six to, you know, whatever.
	He's got all these things that I bought to, and now it's just in the way because now he's into making beats.
	So he wants to clear.
	Yeah, you want that fang.
	Yeah, man.
	And I'm telling you, I was crying on the inside, but I'm not showing him any emotion.
	I'm just like, yeah, throw it.
	Yep.
	Yeah.
	Let's scoot that out, man.
	Get that out of here, man.
	Let's fucking get, yeah.
	Yeah, let's get you a chair.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	But I'm crying.
	It kills me, bro.
	But anyways, so I bought him this, what is it called?
	Tempurpedic mattress bed.
	Whatever it is.
	Oh, yeah, that's nice there.
	But it's a sofa bed.
	So it looks like a red sofa.
	But when you open it, it's tempur pedic.
	It's an amazing hideaway couch.
	I don't like that.
	It's amazing.
	Like when you lay on it, it doesn't feel like one of those regular couch beds.
	It feels like a bed.
	He's had it forever, but my son's sick of it.
	Right?
	He wants it out.
	So we got rid of it.
	Damn.
	Bro, the mayhem that's underneath this bed.
	Because there was no way you could move this thing.
	It was so massive.
	When we finally got the guys to move it and we all looked at the ground and I'm like, Joe.
	It's like a time capsule.
	Bro.
	What was it?
	Like all kind of.
	It was socks.
	Oh.
	It was.
	Did it feel seaming?
	Kleenex.
	Did it have a seminarish vibe?
	Everything.
	Everything.
	Everything was a DNA episode.
	Everything was like a CSI episode.
	It was just everywhere.
	I took pictures of it, video, drew a chalk outliner on each sock.
	Oh, each sock.
	Yeah.
	Just billions dead.
	Murder.
	This is a mass murder.
	Dude, I can't believe, and this is something that's probably obtuse, but something that's coming soon, is that think of all of the value, the nutritional and value that it's in semen, if you really think about it.
	Yeah, no shit.
	And people are just tossing it.
	Oh, dude.
	Bro, it's people who have to do it.
	So much and then go have some fucking ruffles.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Like the total opposite.
	Some dudes just.
	Bro, you actually have the ingredients to make a human.
	And you fucking throw it on the floor and just grab a drumstick.
	And you're trying to get the chocolate from the bottom of the cone.
	You still have a little steeve on your hands.
	Oh, yeah.
	Praise God.
	God, brother.
	What are we?
	Monsters.
	And we don't give a shit, bro.
	No.
	Oh, dude, they had this big guy who used to jerk off and he would bring it on the bus and throw it at the kids when the business.
	No, he didn't.
	Yeah.
	This big red fellow, this big ginger guy.
	You know, sometimes stories are so fast.
	Yeah.
	And so there's so much detail that people don't know if you're lying or not.
	Oh, I'm not lying, man.
	I'll tell you about this.
	Are you telling the truth all the time?
	I'm telling the truth probably 95% of the time and 92%.
	These are amazing stories.
	Dude, and this handicapped kid would always try to catch it from him all the time, which is the craziest part.
	See, I don't know if that's the embellishment.
	Uh-uh.
	It's real?
	Dude, this kid, they used to.
	What was the handicapped kid's name?
	I don't know his full name, but his nickname was Thundercat TJ.
	Thundercat Johnson, dude.
	And he would try and catch Semen out of the air.
	He didn't know it was Seaman.
	He just thought it was candy.
	Thought it was a buddy.
	He thought it was a parade.
	He would pretend like there were bands coming.
	He was out there, man.
	So the red guy would jerk off in his hand, toss it, and then in super slow-mo, Thundercat would just...
	He had that Chris Carter on him.
	He had some hands on him, I will say that.
	And sometimes he would grab some mixed.
	He would grab some.
	He'd catch enough.
	I'll tell you that.
	He'd catch enough to probably feel good about himself.
	But that's the crazy thing, you know, it's like, you know, one man's trash is another man's treasure, or whatever they say.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And that's good product right there.
	But think about the fact that we're just like, you know, people are going to the store and getting all of this macadamian oyster, you know, cream for your, and all of it.
	And everybody's just, meanwhile, their three kids in the back of the house are just blowing through the best salve that God ever made.
	This will get rid of wrinkles.
	You know what's crazy?
	I was watching something on Ellen's, but I feel like we're almost there.
	No, I was watching something on Ellen and Sandra Bullock was on and Ellen was like, why don't you tell the people why your face is so beautiful and tight?
	And then they said it was from like kids when they get the circumcision.
	No, that breast meat.
	They said that that's inside the makeup that she uses.
	What?
	And that's why we're going to hell, man.
	Are you kidding me?
	That hurts me.
	That hurts me, man.
	Thinking about that, they're cutting it off of people, sometimes adults, too.
	That means there's a back-end business to the snipping.
	Like, he's like, you know, this is good for your kid.
	And, you know, this will be cleaner for that area.
	So I'll cut it off for this much.
	And then he charges them.
	And then when he gets it in his hand, he runs through the back door.
	He's like, I got two.
	Yeah.
	I got two.
	I got two.
	Like, he's selling a tattoo to a game.
	Yeah, I got two of these.
	I got two O-rings.
	Who needs two O-rings?
	Who needs two of that frickin'?
	Who wants that nine-month calamari, huh?
	Extraction from a piece of skin that came from far, far away, and they somehow figured out how to extract its foreskin from a Korean baby.
	There you go.
	And you know what's a sad thing?
	Oh, what?
	And they're saying it nonchalant.
	Like, what?
	And I'll ask you, since you're closer to this, really, Element, is why would Koreans be more likely to give it up?
	Why is that?
	My best friend was Korean.
	He wasn't circumcised.
	I don't know why I just told you that.
	Maybe he didn't want to sell it.
	And he passed away?
	No, not him.
	He's still alive, but his brother did.
	How'd you know that?
	I don't know, man.
	How did you know that?
	You sounded like he passed away when you first started talking.
	Oh, no, no.
	He just held on to his meat.
	Yeah, I wonder why.
	I wonder why that they went Korean.
	How do you get that?
	Why did they go Korean?
	I'll tell you this.
	A brother ain't giving it up.
	That's out the gate, dude.
	You tell a brother we're going to carve a little bit of your meat off, bro.
	And they're the ones who can spare it.
	Meanwhile, they're hitting up a Korean guy who's got the freaking 11th pinky out here.
	And they fucking chopping off 30% on him, bro.
	Damn.
	Let's cut that thing off.
	I'm going to make cufflinks out of it.
	Right here.
	Now, we're going out to you, honey.
	Yeah, that's the move.
	Those are nice cufflinks.
	What is that?
	That's me.
	That's me.
	Make your face nice and tight.
	Keep you young, bitch.
	Oh, yeah.
	Let's keep, we got a question right here from a beautiful couple right here.
	Let's hear what they have to say.
	Yo.
	From one Cajun Asian couple to another, you and Joe.
	What do y'all what Asian type do you think is the sexiest?
	Gang, gang, buzz, buzz.
	Wow.
	Gang.
	Let me think about that.
	What type is the sexiest?
	And you're Pinoy.
	You're full Pinoy.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Well, no, I'm half.
	Okay.
	Half white, half Filipino.
	Praise God.
	Praise God.
	Yeah, I'm biased, man.
	I'm going to have to say Filipino.
	Yeah.
	You know, my son's mommy was Filipino.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, you got to say that.
	You don't have a child.
	I like the mix, too.
	I like the mixed babies.
	So I like a little bit of white with a little Filipino.
	Yeah.
	I like that.
	Oh, yeah.
	Like an Asian with like a hazel eye.
	It's like, wow.
	Yeah.
	That happened.
	Like a teriyaki salmon.
	Yeah.
	That's good, right?
	I think so.
	Yeah, it's more like Alaska, but it's Japanese.
	Yeah, I like that.
	Japanese Alaska.
	That's good shit, right?
	Yeah, it's like when you see a white guy doing the limbo, you know.
	Yeah.
	And he's good.
	Like his toes moving forward.
	Like, where did you learn that, sir?
	Don't worry about it, man.
	It was a cruise.
	It was a cruise that I was going to do.
	Don't tell your mother.
	Don't tell your mama.
	Dude, there's something about the white dad that crushes the luau that just saves the family.
	Yeah.
	And he gets like free pineapple or whatever for the whole table.
	And he's a king, dude.
	Yeah.
	But he was like, it wasn't good, but it was so funny.
	Yeah, but it was good enough for them.
	And he doesn't know any better.
	He doesn't know.
	And they got pictures.
	Yeah.
	We all remember that.
	Oh, I remember going to the beach, man, and we got, and, you know, we'd go out during, we'd steal some liquor during the day and go bury it in the sand and then go get it back at night like a, you know, like turtles do.
	And so then we'd dig it up at night and go drink it.
	And then we'd meet up with strangers on the beach, strange women.
	I met this girl that was in the Wiccan one time, Witchcrafter.
	What the fuck?
	And me and.
	She wasn't into it.
	She was in it.
	She was doing it.
	She was literally walking on the beach in the middle of the night.
	No, man.
	At age 15, dude.
	And we fucked, I don't know what we did, but we did something, man.
	That is always the creepiest story.
	And especially on the receiving end, as a kid, it's a cool story, but when you're a father and your kids come back from the beach saying that shit, because my son did it in Maui, they came running back in, they're like, Oh, we met some dudes on the beach.
	I'm like, The fuck, what do they look like?
	Like, well, you don't hang out with dudes at the beach.
	No, they were cool, dad.
	No, they're no, they weren't.
	Yeah, no man talking to 15-year-old kids is cool at the beach.
	That's true, man.
	Dude, when I think back, because when I, we had this fellow named Richard Langenstein, and the listeners know this, and this fellow was eventually convicted or semi-convicted pediophile.
	But when I was young, he was just this cool guy that we went to smoke weed with and would buy steaks.
	Yeah.
	Did you fall asleep a lot?
	Huh?
	Did you fall asleep around this guy?
	Dude, there's a couple of half memories that I have that I don't want to read all the way through.
	Yeah, yeah, don't go through.
	I don't want to read the second half of the book.
	But at the time, we thought it was so cool that he drove one of my friends to Vegas for the weekend, right?
	Like, pretty sketchy.
	Right there, right there.
	Accused religious brother, accused of moles and student.
	But this was after.
	And you knew him.
	Oh, yeah, dude.
	I used to smoke weed with that fella, man.
	He was a teacher at our school, man.
	He was a teacher?
	I introduced him to like half of my friends.
	What the fuck?
	So here's what I didn't even realize, man.
	I was a freaking like a penis mule for this guy.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Yeah, you were bringing him in.
	Yeah, it is because I met him at school.
	He was a substitute teacher.
	You were like that girl on Smallville, Allison Mack.
	Yeah, yeah.
	I was a recruiter.
	You should be serving 120 years right now at the Free Ghalain, dude.
	But anyway, but at the time, it's so crazy at the time how I thought, oh, it's so cool.
	It's so normal.
	I'm just, I'm lucky we met this cool guy.
	Now, when I think about it, okay, if at 40 I'm smoking weed with a 15-year-old.
	Yeah.
	I'm not doing that.
	No, man.
	It would be insane to do that.
	It doesn't even make sense.
	No.
	It's so wild how from the other side of the cliff.
	That's what I'm saying.
	It's so clear.
	You got to remember, I'm taking responsibility of all my nephews.
	Like I've told their parents, I got it.
	Don't worry.
	They're going to be safe.
	And they come running back into the house and they're like, yo, we met these dudes, man.
	There's no COVID.
	Duncan took a hit.
	Like, my oldest nephew took a hit.
	I'm like, what the fuck are you doing?
	What are you guys doing?
	What's going on?
	Why would you do that?
	Who are these guys?
	Duncan just disappeared.
	Yeah.
	Duncan got his nails done by some guy.
	I feel weird if I hang out with Gianni.
	He's only 24. Yeah, that's a good point.
	That's eight years.
	Does it feel weird?
	15?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, man.
	If I get a DM or anything like that, it's always like, hey, man, thank you so much, kid.
	Tell your mom and dad I said hi.
	I swear to God, I don't.
	Bubba, bubba.
	I mean, hey, tell your father, Mr. Coi, says thank you.
	All right, man.
	Do your homework.
	It's sketchy now, especially, dude.
	Hell no.
	I'll ask a girl straight up if they're going to try to meet to me or not.
	Yeah, you should.
	Yeah.
	Just so I have it in writing.
	Yeah.
	You know?
	Yeah, that's good.
	Like, wait, this girl's meet-to-am and said she wasn't going to meet to me.
	Yeah, wait a minute.
	You said clearly you weren't.
	Yeah.
	What?
	Yeah, what's going on here?
	But I'm going to go through.
	Let me think.
	Nick dates an Asian girl, too.
	Vietnamese girl.
	Oh, Vietnamese.
	They're nice.
	Oh, yeah.
	They're firecrackers.
	Yeah, she keeps me in line.
	They've been through a lot.
	Yeah.
	They've been through a lot.
	Oh, yeah.
	So, yeah.
	You better watch your back on.
	Her parents came by boat.
	Wow.
	Well, yeah, a lot of them did.
	Stayed in Hong Kong for a while.
	Oh, yeah.
	And a Vietnamese person, they could sleep on a rack of a car.
	I saw a Vietnamese person fall asleep on a whole thing of cans.
	Unbelievable.
	Just recycled cans.
	Beautiful.
	Every turn was just...
	You can't fuck with me.
	My next-door neighbor was Vietnamese, and he was the shit, man.
	Talked shit, had the thickest accent.
	Yeah.
	And was in my face when we played ball, man.
	You can't call me dude.
	Fuck you, dude.
	Swear to God.
	His name was V, by the way.
	V. My next-door neighbor.
	Every Vietnamese person's name.
	V. And he had hair just like you.
	Oh, yeah.
	This is 1983, man.
	He had the tight sides and the long.
	He's like, dude, fuck you, dude.
	Take that.
	Take that, dude.
	Yeah, dude.
	That's where I got my accent from when I do the Vietnamese accent.
	It's always V. Oh, that's awesome.
	He was so funny, man.
	Is she funny?
	Is she funny?
	She's hilarious.
	Yeah.
	I don't know what it is about.
	I think, Theo, when you get like when military presence is there, does this make sense?
	And I think they absorb that culture and that lifestyle.
	And they get, you know, when you tell a joke, they get it.
	Right.
	You know what I mean?
	Does that make sense?
	I think so, because they probably were like, a lot of what they probably saw was a lot of American stuff.
	Yeah, and they hear American humor and the way they talk and like the little words that we use and they get it.
	Does that make sense?
	And so they're like, can't translate it, huh?
	Vietnamese are gangsters.
	Oh, they're gangster, bro.
	They're like, they're gangster business people.
	Like, Louisiana has one of the largest populations of Vietnamese in the U.S. We're the only Vietnamese person in the House of Representatives.
	The only Vietnamese is at Louisiana because of all the fishing industry.
	So they come down there hunting shrimp and they stay.
	Did not know that.
	Ahuang.
	Ahwang.
	Ahuang.
	Ahwang Cow.
	Joseph.
	He goes by Joseph Chow.
	Of course he does, dude.
	Would that be pronounced Cow?
	Cow?
	Joseph Cow.
	Joseph Cow.
	That's a good call.
	I bet it would.
	My girlfriend helped secure two pounds of weed for Boosie Badass.
	Yep, we had to pay Boosie Badass and weed when he showed up.
	That's beautiful.
	That's a beautiful thing.
	That's a great thing.
	But that's a BS, man.
	They'll get you anything.
	You need tables.
	You need a wedding.
	Yeah.
	And they don't give a fuck if the order's wrong.
	Have you ever seen that?
	Yeah.
	Vietnamese don't give a shit.
	When I ask every time for my pho, that's Vietnamese, right?
	Pho.
	And I, and in fact, this just happened.
	We can call my son to verify this damn story.
	And once again, I ask, no cilantro.
	I can't stand cilantro.
	It fucks up every meal.
	And I go, please, no cilantro.
	No problem.
	No cilantro.
	Boom.
	Fucking cilantro.
	Damn.
	I go, this cilantro.
	No green.
	She goes, okay.
	And just walked off.
	That's amazing.
	Okay.
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	Well, you want me to put my hand in there?
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	Because that's what's really cool.
	One by one, asshole.
	I don't know, man.
	Yeah, there's something more like, I don't know.
	White culture gets so a little bit too proper over time.
	And a lot of these cultures that have had a lot more of a rot-gut experience or a tougher upcoming in the past 100 years, they really, there's so much more humor, bro, on that side of that.
	Bro, I love how you describe that.
	That's so true, man.
	So much more humor.
	How'd you say that?
	Rut-gutted?
	Rot-gut.
	Rot-gut?
	It's so true, man.
	Like, when you go through just shit and your only form of entertainment is yourself.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	Oh, yeah.
	And you can only be funny and make fun of yourself, man.
	That's why they are who they are, man.
	Like, that's why Filipinos are like that.
	It's just, that's our form of entertainment.
	When you're broke and you don't have any money and you depend on the family to be the entertainment at the party.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	Like, I don't know.
	That made sense how you said that.
	No, I think, look, when you look at a lot of cultures, that's where a lot of humor really comes out of, you know, is some type of, not turmoil, really, but just, I think a place of unrest or not having something where you need to become an instrument as a person.
	You need to become funny or become because it's not there.
	There's not the other elements that you have to get the entertainment.
	Exactly.
	So it's like, unless somebody's going to go rent a VHS, you know, which somebody has the money to do once a week, then otherwise, somebody's going to have to start entertaining.
	Yeah, someone's going to juggle, motherfucker.
	Somebody's got to juggle, dude.
	So grab those three balls and do something.
	Parties in two days.
	That's it.
	Yeah.
	That's the truth, man.
	I think there's something about that.
	But yeah, I'm going to go through and rank now.
	Japanese, and I've, you know, I've long been, you know, I'm not anti-Japanese.
	Yeah.
	But I get no Japanese person, it's hard to know if they care what's going on.
	Living, the sea, it's just like, all right, you know, I never, I can't tell if they've just come from a fire or if they just got a massage.
	Like, I just.
	Oh, you mean their expression?
	I have no idea.
	Never.
	Like, I went to a Japanese, a buddy of mine married a Japanese girl was at the wedding and I was like, dude, are you sure this girl like you?
	Like, I have zero vibe off of this girl.
	Really?
	Yeah, it's just crazy.
	And I think it's just because if you don't grow up around a certain population, you have just have no idea what their expressions are like.
	That's true.
	Like, Filipinos a lot easier.
	China's, they're more gangsters, bro.
	China is really like the black community of Asia, really.
	Chinese people are funny too, by the way.
	Chinese people.
	Chinese people don't care if they die, bro.
	You'll be walking down the street with like in Shanghai, somebody dies, they make a soup out of them, put a sign up.
	What the fuck?
	Bro, sell fucking whatever his name was, you know, him key soup, and it's a fucking funeral lunch.
	And everybody goes back to work, bro.
	Those people keep it moving.
	Yeah, they don't have time.
	They don't have time, bro.
	There's 1.9 billion, Theo.
	Oh, it don't matter.
	You know what I mean?
	When one drops, it's like you get to open your arms just a little bit more.
	You can do a full stretch.
	Three more die.
	Oh, so bad at...
	Yeah.
	Oh, you fucking finally can get a knock in.
	Yeah.
	They're like, oh, the Chinese, and it's not...
	Yeah.
	We have a lot of space.
	I'm so sick of people going, man, we're so overpopulated.
	I'm like, have you ever flown from LA to Vegas?
	Yeah.
	You see all that land?
	You ever fly from like Omaha to, what's the next state over?
	Cincinnati, maybe?
	Cincinnati.
	You ever go to St. Louis to Denver?
	Yeah.
	It's land.
	Look at all that land.
	What the fuck are you guys talking about, man?
	It is only populated wherever you live.
	Yeah.
	Oh, man.
	There's so many people in Los Angeles.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Go to Victorville.
	Yeah.
	Go to Needles.
	Go to Needles.
	You ever fly from San Antonio to Dallas?
	It's ridiculous.
	So much land.
	Oh, yeah.
	So much land.
	Stop it.
	We got room.
	There's not enough people.
	I think more people are starting to spread out now, especially.
	I think during this whole pandy, a lot of people were like, hey, I don't know what this rat race is that I'm stuck in.
	I want to go see about being a human being.
	I think places like Utah are getting busier.
	Also, states without taxes, without state taxes are getting busier too.
	Oh, way busier.
	I'm in Vegas now.
	Yeah, how is that good?
	I love it.
	I got a house in Vegas.
	I mean, I have a house here.
	Right.
	But Vegas is where I like to go.
	I'm always in Vegas.
	You should go to Vegas.
	You know what?
	I would consider it.
	I think I'm going to try Nashville for a little while.
	Yeah.
	But then I would consider Vegas.
	Yeah.
	The reason why I like Vegas so much, it's an hour flight, man.
	Yeah.
	You know, you go to Nashville, what is that, two and a half?
	Oh, that's more.
	It's like three and a half hours.
	Yeah.
	See, that's an event.
	Yeah.
	That's a lot of planning.
	Whereas you live in Vegas, you're living your life, and it's like, hey, we need you to do so.
	I'll be there at 6. Yeah, that is cool.
	You know what I mean?
	That is pretty cool.
	At 11 a.m., you could have a call and decide you need to be there the next morning.
	And at 5 p.m., you could take a flight and be fresh and ready the next day.
	Yeah, that's one thing.
	One thing that's nice about Nashville is the proximity.
	Like you can drive to, you want to go perform in Huntsville, it's two hours away.
	You want to perform in Indianapolis?
	It's four hours away.
	You want to perform in Cincinnati?
	It's four hours away.
	Like you just don't really realize how many places you could just go do comedy that are within, you know.
	Yeah.
	You could just, you know, get on a plane at 11 and be at your hotel by 2 p.m.
	I love Nashville, by the way.
	It's cool, man.
	It's interesting.
	It's completely different.
	Oh, it's completely different.
	Yeah.
	It's like a Western version of New York.
	Yeah.
	Like when New York was like that big jazz movement and entertainment movement.
	You know, am I making any sense?
	back in the day, you could just go to New York and everyone was playing jazz music everywhere and like jazz was huge.
	I wasn't from that era.
	I just heard this story from Cosby.
	I seen it in, you know, like movies and just like, man, I wish I lived during that time.
	Yeah.
	Go to these clubs and all of a sudden this musicians were just playing and like, you know what I mean?
	And you hear all these stories.
	And then all of a sudden you see, I go to Nashville and it was the same thing.
	It was like I was seeing, I don't like country, but when I'm in Nashville, I love country.
	Yeah.
	Because I see it.
	I see those stories come to life.
	That whole jazz movement in New York, I'm seeing it in Nashville.
	I'm walking every bar.
	There's someone playing.
	Someone's playing.
	I went to a brunch and there was a band play.
	I got off the plane.
	There was a band play.
	I bought CDs.
	I still say this every time.
	I have this CD from the Gin Sisters.
	I don't know if they made it or if they became big.
	Let's look them up, man.
	Gin Sisters.
	And I got off my plane in Nashville and a huge crowd wrapped around them.
	All they had was a speaker, an amplifier, and I think two sisters.
	I hope they're sisters.
	And they were playing.
	I bought their CD.
	And that's what live music is.
	And that's what that whole live music is hungry.
	When someone's hungry, you buy into that.
	There's that energy.
	When you see someone just, I'm in an airport plane.
	It's like, yeah, man, I'll buy that.
	What is it?
	I'll buy it.
	I love it.
	I'll support it.
	Yeah.
	What about this?
	Do you find that it's tougher to recreate that desire as you achieve more success and stuff?
	No.
	You don't?
	No, I don't.
	Wow.
	I don't.
	I'm still thinking of things that I need to do.
	Well, I'm still thinking of things that I need to do.
	Yes.
	And it burns inside me.
	Like, I can't wait.
	Wow.
	I'm working on this project right now.
	I don't sleep.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, man.
	Fire.
	Like, I'm on fire right now.
	And you're up for an Emmy right now, aren't you?
	It was a People's Choice Award.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	For that special.
	And that special that I shot in the Philippines was burning inside of me for years.
	And for it to come to life the way it did, I was so excited.
	I don't know.
	I can never explain it to someone what that special meant to me because we live in a time now where you get to watch, you get to go online and see whoever it is that you are.
	If you're Vietnamese, you can go online and find Vietnamese entertainment of all kinds of singers, whatever.
	But try doing that in 1982 and try and find a Filipino that looked like me doing stand-up when you only had three channels to go from.
	People thought you were Sinbad's son, a lot of me.
	Yeah, a lot of people thought I was something.
	They didn't know what I was, by the way.
	Because I was a mixed kid.
	I was a military kid.
	So, you know, I had the hazel eyes, but then they were like Asian looking.
	Like, people always ask me, what are you?
	But anyways, what I'm getting at is just like, that's what that whole thing was.
	Like, being able to create something to help inspire other kids that are trying to get into this business.
	Oh, I can only imagine something like that, what that will do, that fuse.
	You know, like I just remember the first time I ever even went and saw a stand-up comedy.
	I didn't even know you could do it.
	I'd never, I know my brother had like gotten the videos of Eddie Murphy and stuff, but I didn't know.
	You didn't even know there was like a club thing.
	Yeah, they wouldn't let me come watch those with them.
	So I would just hear about it and I would see Living Color.
	But I was in college and somebody took me to the comedy club and there was a man up there.
	I think it was Mark Gross.
	Do you remember him?
	I remember Mark Gross.
	Great joke writer and he's just up there telling jokes and I'm like, this is a job.
	This is insane.
	Yeah.
	Loved it.
	And yeah, and it just blew my mind that that was the real thing.
	But I could only, and that was probably where the seed comes from.
	So I can only imagine if you're sitting in the Philippines, you know.
	I wanted to go to the Philippines with it.
	I wanted to be able to show the world like, yo, this is the culture I'm talking about.
	These are our people.
	They speak English.
	You know what I mean?
	The best people, dog.
	So I've been to the Azores Islands over there.
	Was this it?
	Let's hear it.
	What's this?
	This is Theo was asked, which person would he say, it's related.
	Which person would he send to be an ambassador to the aliens?
	I mean, this is factual right here.
	It's documented information.
	Probably a Filipino, dude.
	I'm really infatuated by Filipinos.
	They're happy.
	They're joyous.
	They call them the smiling people somewhere on the internet.
	And every Filipino I meet, they're real gracious.
	They do a lot of senior care centers, hospice.
	So you don't fucking, who else you're going to send out there, dude?
	You know what I'm saying?
	I love it.
	I need that video.
	Can you send me that video?
	That's true, man.
	Oh, I got to put it.
	Filipinos, a lot of, and what a lot of people don't realize is before you die, a lot of, the last person a lot of people see is a Filipino person.
	Man, so true.
	So true.
	That's pretty fascinating when you think about that.
	When you think about whatever scope of God's world that it is, that that is the last, I don't care if you're white or black or whoever, there's a pretty decent chance.
	It's going to be a Filipino housekeeper.
	You're going to housekeeper or someone that works in nursing.
	Care, yeah.
	Nursing, yes.
	That's so true, man.
	So many nurses.
	That's crazy.
	Yeah.
	I wonder if that starts to wear.
	I wonder what effect that has on the culture over time, if it has any.
	It has none.
	Wow.
	It is literally a part of their DNA.
	Like I said earlier, man, when you have absolutely nothing, like when you actually go to the Philippines and visit it and you realize, holy fuck, man, I'm spoiled.
	I need to shut up.
	I need to really not talk when I, you know what I mean?
	Like I, you go there and you see these kids barefoot.
	And I remember we were shooting something and this brought a tear to my eye.
	We were shooting something because I wanted to show the guys just like these monuments, right?
	And there was this woman that was, you know, she had a cart and she's selling, you know, fried food, right?
	And then her kid, barefoot and everything, after we bought the food, she takes his clothes off and just gives him a bath right there.
	Oh, yeah.
	Full on back.
	With a soda?
	With a soda.
	With Mountain Dew.
	Oh, yeah.
	No, but like full on shower, and the kid's happy as hell.
	Oh, yeah.
	And she's bathing him with soap and everything, cup of water, puts a cloth, dries him off, clothes back on, he takes off running.
	It's just another day for this kid.
	Yeah.
	But when I saw that, I was like, holy shit, man.
	That's life.
	That's real life.
	So it's like, what do you do?
	What do you do to get out of that, right?
	You try and learn to speak English, right?
	You got to learn to speak English.
	And then you got to become a nurse.
	Why?
	Because everyone needs a nurse.
	Everyone needs a nurse, just like you said.
	You got to make yourself useful.
	Yeah, you got to be of need.
	Yeah.
	And who else to get?
	Someone that's willing to do it?
	You know what I mean?
	Someone that speaks English?
	And I need to get out of this situation.
	So yeah, I'll take care of him.
	It's on his last day.
	Yeah, I'll be there.
	Wow.
	I'll make sure that his or hers last days are the best last days ever.
	It's pretty interesting, man.
	Because, yeah, it's a lot of, I wonder how many people in their lives have been racist or had racist thoughts, you know, especially.
	And even if they weren't their own, they learned them or whatever.
	And then they're laying on their deathbed or whatever.
	And the person that's there usually, that's what's crazy about life, man.
	Yeah.
	The person that's there usually is probably of another ethnicity.
	Yeah.
	You know?
	That's so weird.
	I never even thought of that, Theo.
	That's so deep, bro.
	It's just interesting.
	Think about that.
	You're just laying there and like.
	And life just moves on.
	And you have to, at that point, you have to inside of yourself think like, man, I have to, I can't be hateful because I need this person.
	Yeah.
	You know, even if I just need them just to be the last person that's there when I'm gone, when I leave.
	Just hook me up with a little bit of morphine before I go.
	Yeah.
	Just say, yeah.
	Or something.
	Just tell whoever comes in the room that I was a decent person.
	I was a decent man.
	I was a decent man.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	I never even thought of that.
	Look, there's no secret.
	There's no secret that Americans have been overpaying for car insurance.
	In other countries, you might get car insurance $30, $16, Mexico.
	But in America, it's been reported that Americans are overpaying on car insurance by over $21 billion.
	Yep, that's Americans.
	But searching for a better deal can take hours.
	So that's why we don't do it.
	And it usually results in a barrage of unwanted spam calls and emails and other, they mail you literature, bullshit literature.
	Until now, thanks to thezebra.com.
	Thezebra.com is the nation's leading car insurance comparison site because it's the only place you can get side-by-side quotes from over 100 providers and choose the best for you in 90 seconds or less.
	And they'll never sell you information.
	Sometimes you see somebody, they come running up to you, hey, hey, is this your name?
	Do you live at this place?
	And you don't even know them.
	And that's because they bought your information off somebody behind a building.
	TechCrunch calls the zebra kayak for auto insurance.
	How much can you save on car and home insurance?
	Go today and start saving at thezebra.com slash T-H-E-O.
	That's thezebra.com slash T-H-E-O.
	Spelled T-H-E-Z-E-B-R-A dot com slash Theo.
	Go save.
	If it's time to quit, it's time to quit.
	And I'm not talking about masturbatory activities at the moment.
	I'm talking more about nicotine.
	Thankfully, Lucy Nicotine is a company founded by Caltech scientists and former smokers looking for a better and cleaner nicotine alternative.
	Researched and developed for three years to be made for people, not patients.
	Lucy has created a nicotine gum with four milligrams of nicotine that come in three flavors.
	Wintergreen, Cinnamon, pomegranate.
	Lucy also has a lozenge with four milligrams of nicotine in cherry ice flavor.
	Ooh, she's sexy.
	Each and every flavor actually tastes great.
	It's 2020.
	Get rid of your cigarettes.
	Unplug your vape.
	Throw out your dip and get some loosey nicotine gum or lozenges.
	This is the real deal.
	I quit smoking seven months ago and I feel great.
	I could blow up a balloon or something for the children at a party.
	And I don't have to be sad about it.
	If this isn't for you, it might be for someone else in your family, a grandparent or somebody, an uncle or even just a shady character that comes around to smoke.
	That's right.
	It's the real deal.
	A subscription to Lucy comes directly to your door each month and you don't have to leave your house because Lucy has delivery down.
	That's right.
	Go to lucy.co and use promo code Theo at checkout.
	That's lucy.co use promo code Theo if you're trying to quit.
	This is a good way to try.
	Feel good about yourself.
	Lucy.co promo code Theo.
	It's pretty interesting, man.
	We got a white fella right here who's obviously likes the Lakers and we're excited to have him.
	What up, Theo?
	What up, Yosef?
	Body by Bourbon here.
	I knew you're from back in the day on Chelsea Handler as one of the panel.
	You were hilarious.
	I was just wondering if you missed doing those shows or do you enjoy doing stand-up more?
	The Mufungo skit with the cool whip container as a child is easily one of the funniest things I've ever heard.
	No one ever wanted to trade for those Doritos or Oreos, man.
	It's a shame.
	Or got a Cuban rest shot.
	Not a lot of Mufungo was sold that day.
	Other than that, Gang Gang.
	Oh, that's nice.
	Gang man, he's just a fan, huh?
	That's awesome.
	I miss Chelsea.
	I was doing stand-up before Chelsea, but I always tell people she was the new Johnny Carson.
	When Johnny waved you over to the seat, that meant you made it.
	And I felt the same way with Chelsea.
	If she invited you to that pound you slayed, man, you made it.
	They came to see you.
	Wow.
	I was so nervous that one time I went.
	Yeah, man.
	Too nervous.
	I couldn't handle it.
	Really?
	Yeah, I think I was never a big Chelsea fan.
	And then it was just, it was just, I was just nervous.
	It was like the only thing going on for a lot of comedians.
	Yeah.
	You know, I mean, you guys were like top of the, you know, you guys were, you guys were getting on television every week.
	Every day.
	Every day we were, every single day we were on, which was crazy.
	They thought we were a cast.
	People thought we were a cast.
	I felt like I was on a prime time sitcom.
	That's how I felt.
	It was crazy.
	It's wild.
	Yeah, it was nuts, man.
	People were coming out for those shows, man.
	I was always so uptight.
	And then I just was not a Chelsea fan.
	So I just, I think that made me nervous.
	She was kind of intimidating.
	That made me nervous.
	I was just kind of nervous at that time.
	I think I just wasn't being myself, really.
	You know, I was like, all right, how do I look?
	Am I okay?
	You know, is every, are my eyes open?
	Like, just thinking about all these other things and just being funny.
	But did you, here's a cool question.
	Did you, did you know who you were yet?
	Like, I feel like, and it's just me talking.
	I feel like when you started doing after your last special and then you hit the pod, right?
	After the last special.
	Yeah.
	I felt like that's when Theo became Theo.
	Yeah.
	Like I feel like your voice really just like cut right through after that.
	I feel like during Chelsea, I think you were still in that stage of I'm funny, but I don't know.
	Am I right?
	Yeah, totally.
	I don't know what I am.
	I don't know what I'm doing.
	I'm trying to be like a white guy that could be on a sitcom.
	I just didn't know what I was doing.
	Yeah, you knew you were funny.
	I was afraid to be myself, I think.
	You know, I was afraid.
	You know, there's not a lot of acceptance of southern style comedians, really.
	There's not a lot of southern.
	Since the blue collar tour, there's not even, and I don't consider myself a southern comedian, but.
	I don't think anyone does.
	They don't have that.
	They just haven't really taken anybody from our area even.
	Yeah.
	Like, I don't like it when people, I would never want to lay, like, I would never label Theo as a Southern comic.
	You're just a comedian, and you're really fucking funny.
	Just like when people go, oh, funny Asian American.
	It's like, bro, I'm just a comedian, man.
	Yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	Like, there's no difference from me and you.
	We're funny for what we talk about.
	You know what I mean?
	And, you know, I think there are different genres of comedy.
	You know what I mean?
	There's a puppeteer, and then there's a dancer, and then there's a magician, and there's political, and there's all kinds of shit.
	That you can separate us by.
	But we're storytellers, man.
	We're comics that tell our stories.
	Yeah, I like that.
	That's a good point.
	Yeah, I never really felt into that space kind of, but I think I always felt like I had to fight this label or something.
	I think a lot of the war was possibly even in my own head, you know?
	No, it was.
	You were right because I felt the same way with me.
	I felt like, I don't understand why you guys are making me fight for this.
	It's obvious.
	I'm funny.
	Yeah.
	So that's why I love Chelsea so much because she saw it right away when, you know, I used to open for John Lovitts.
	And then, can I tell you this story?
	No, I didn't.
	So I used to open for John Lovitz at the Laugh Factory.
	And this is when I'm cleaning yachts and selling shoes at Norton Rack.
	I remember I was going to Norton Rack and I look at my phone.
	It's just a number and I answer it.
	And it's like, hi, it's John Lovitz.
	And I'm freaking out because I used to impersonate him in school.
	You know what I mean?
	The liar and all that stuff.
	You know, all those jokes.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And then here he is actually on my phone.
	He's like, I really, I've been watching you at the Laugh Factory and I really want you to open for me.
	You'd be hysterical.
	I'm doing a show.
	I'm doing a show every Wednesday night.
	Love it's Wednesdays or some shit.
	I don't know.
	Love it or not.
	I'm trying to make shit up.
	And then so I was like, yeah.
	And I started doing these shows with him.
	And next thing you know, this is a true story.
	You're going to love this.
	This is such a fucking weird thing.
	You ready, Nick?
	I don't know if I told you this story, but he goes, he goes, I'm going to start.
	This is so funny.
	I'm going to start putting this lady on the show.
	Her name is Chelsea Handler.
	She's so funny.
	She's my only friend on Myspace.
	What the fuck?
	He goes, when you go home, go to your MySpace.
	She's my only friend.
	Her and Tom.
	And I went home and it was literally Tom and her.
	And that's when I found out who Chelsea was.
	And she started doing these shows.
	And after every show, she would talk so much shit.
	So while John's on stage, she's just talking shit.
	And then she was like, I want you to be my sidekick.
	I got this show idea and we're pitching this show.
	And I want you to be my sidekick.
	And so I was pretty much supposed to be chewy.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	And then I turned it down, but we went through all kinds of like, you know, like meetings.
	They weren't like full-on production meetings, but it was like ideas and going through the meetings and getting ready for the pitch.
	And then finally, I was just like, I go, hey, Chelsea.
	I called her on the phone.
	I was like, hey, I just, I really want to be my guy.
	Like, I don't want to be a sidekick.
	I'm trying to find this.
	I want to do my own special.
	I want to blah, blah.
	And she cursed me out, bro.
	Damn.
	She's like, oh, good luck with that fucking shit.
	Watch this.
	And she's just cursing me out.
	She's like, this show is going to be a fucking hit.
	You made the wrong fucking decision.
	And then she hangs up the phone.
	I'm just like, huh.
	And six months later, Chelsea lately is just blowing up.
	Wow.
	And I'm at Nordstrom Rack.
	And I remember my ex-wife picking me up.
	And while she's driving me home, she's like, I'm recording this show right now.
	We got to get home.
	This lady, Chelsea Hamlin, she's so funny.
	And I'm like, that's the fucking show I was supposed to be on.
	Dang.
	And I remember I was so depressed and wondering why, you know, why I said no to it.
	And for six months, I didn't get a call from her.
	And then finally, she called me.
	But anyways, what I was getting at, like, I feel like I'm always fighting to tell people I'm funny.
	Chelsea was the only one that said yes.
	And it was funny because it was just like Comedy Central's passing on me.
	ABC turned me down.
	You know, I got on this one pilot.
	They fired me.
	And it's just like, like, what is going on?
	Why don't I have an hour yet?
	Like, I don't understand why I don't have an hour.
	I'm crushing on the road right now.
	Why do I have an hour?
	So, yeah, I feel you, man.
	I just like, what is it that you're not getting?
	Is it because you guys don't get it?
	Because the country gets it.
	Right.
	Why aren't you guys getting it?
	So, wow.
	Did you feel that way when you were shooting your shit?
	Yeah, I mean, I guess I felt, I started to get upset.
	Like, you go into a lot of rooms in LA and it's a lot of the same person when you go in there.
	Whether or not the industry wants to really admit it, I feel like it's always, it's usually like a really liberal person.
	And that's fine.
	It's just always the same person.
	So it's like at a certain point, I'm like, well, how can any of these people have any?
	Like, at a certain point, there's just too much of the same, they're just looking through too much of a similar lens.
	Just like if I went into a place and it was all like redneck women or something, at a certain point, I'd be like, this is just too, there's too much of a monopoly on the point of view.
	Yeah, exactly.
	And at a certain point, it's just like, I'm just like a salmon, but the water's too thick, man.
	It's just like, this, you know, and it made me feel like, but it also made me feel like really unwanted.
	It made me feel.
	That's how I felt.
	And it made me mad because it was like, man, I, you know, you're supposed to, you're telling me that I'm supposed to come out of my small town and get to Hollywood and this is where you can make it.
	And this is, but then I get there and it's like, you don't want any, nobody like me.
	You don't want anybody like me.
	And I think it was also like around, I mean, I think I kind of made my switch for things like right around like the last election.
	And it was like, like somebody wrote an article about my special where it was like, oh, this guy would be a perfect, this is the Trump's perfect special, you know?
	And it's like, don't you see this is a character?
	This is like, don't you have any satire?
	Like, what a fucking idiot right now.
	You know, like, it just, I don't know, man.
	I just felt so turned off by such a industry that was supposed to be welcoming to everybody.
	And then it felt like, oh, not everybody.
	Yeah, not everybody.
	You're so right.
	And then they put you in that.
	Oh, there you are.
	Yeah.
	And then it's like I already have a favorite stand-up comedian.
	He may find his kindred spirit in Theo Vaughan.
	And that's just fucking, I mean, what an asshole.
	And this guy's long been a shitty writer.
	Yeah, I mean, he doesn't have a career.
	And then you know what else?
	Don't shout this guy out, by the way.
	And then, you know what I mean?
	Like, you shouldn't even put it up because you're giving them energy.
	Yeah.
	Which is stupid because obviously this guy is desperate.
	He was always desperate.
	And he would always write about like the super, like Schumer.
	He would always, and they would always make fun of him behind his back.
	That was the craziest thing.
	He'd always been like, oh, he's such a loser.
	And he's meanwhile just peddling to write whatever article he's doing for him.
	Just the whole industry kind of made me a little bit sick.
	But that's when I started doing podcasting.
	And that's like when TFATK had me on.
	Rogan had me on.
	You guys had me on over there when you were working at Corolla Studios.
	Yeah, you crushed.
	Just different stuff.
	And that's when you found it, right?
	Yeah, that's when I was like, oh, I'm just going to talk about stuff that I know about.
	I'm just going to talk about just my life.
	And you know what's cool is like, as much as that pisses me off, right?
	But I'm kind of glad that that happened.
	Yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	Especially with Netflix.
	Like, I told you the story, right?
	I had to pay for it.
	Yeah, you had to do your own.
	Yeah.
	And like, I did not understand why I had to pay for my own special.
	Like, I remember backstage after I taped the first show, me and my agent, my manager, and I'm just like, this is so unfair.
	Like, I was so mad.
	Like, this is bullshit.
	Like, I don't get it.
	Oh, it would have made me mad.
	Yeah, because it's like, you know, because say, oh, by the way, they already said when I said I was shooting in Seattle, they made sure to call and go, hey, we just want you guys to know we're not interested.
	Like, they really wanted to make sure that we knew that.
	So, like, just imagine the pressure, bro.
	And like, and my son's laying on the couch in the green room.
	I'm broke after this special.
	I'm done.
	All the money that I saved up, done.
	And then I was just like, this is bullshit.
	Why do I got to fight and sell this?
	And then they still, yeah.
	And then you have to put it on their network.
	How much did they?
	Well, here.
	Oh, hold on.
	I don't want to get fired from Netflix.
	I love Netflix.
	Don't get me wrong.
	It wasn't their fault.
	Right.
	You know what I mean?
	It was just the uphill we're talking about.
	It was the uphill.
	It was the obstacle.
	They were booked.
	They were legit built.
	And who's to say, who's to say?
	Because I use this example all the time, right?
	Like, it's like, you can't get mad at someone that's responsible for billions of dollars, right?
	And they hire certain people like, all right, you get 50 million.
	I want you to buy a bunch of talent.
	Yo, it's their job to write these checks, right?
	And say my special flops, which I knew it wasn't, but say it did.
	They're the ones that get in trouble.
	So it's like, imagine if I had a couple million dollars and someone goes, go find me some talent.
	Like, that's a scary job.
	And I get it.
	And I do understand it.
	And I know I'm making excuses, but I'm also happy that they didn't give me a special because I went and shot that thing myself.
	And I went on to shoot three more on my own for Netflix.
	And the two that I shot after that, they gave me the money.
	Like they literally just gave me the money and said, here, here, we're all in.
	Just you shoot it.
	You did so good on that first special.
	We don't want to touch it.
	They gave me full creative control.
	Wow.
	So it's like, yeah, I was fucked up with the obstacle that they gave me.
	But when I showed them that I could do it and give them a good product, they bought three more from me.
	Right.
	So it's like, yeah, it's so crazy.
	Yeah, it's like you just got to get that scale to tip.
	You just have to.
	And maybe that's what it was with you.
	Maybe it's like, yo, you keep getting pushed up against the wall.
	And then finally you're like, yo, fuck it.
	I'm right here.
	I'll just do this is what I'm going to do.
	I'm going to do me right here.
	Yeah.
	And then you, look what you did.
	Now everyone's on you.
	And now we have, yeah, now we have a new special that we're doing with Netflix, which is cool.
	But yeah, I feel you.
	I think it's just like, I don't know.
	Sometimes it did just seem like the journey, like the struggle was easier for other people.
	But it's like, oh man, Theo.
	Yeah.
	We both know.
	Yeah.
	And it did make us bad.
	Because I know who you're talking about.
	Yeah.
	It's not fair.
	We came up at the same time.
	Yeah.
	So you and I both saw certain comics and we're not hating on them.
	We're not.
	But we just knew that there was an obstacle and it wasn't fair.
	Yeah.
	Because I know what you're talking about.
	Because I would watch a special and go, what the fuck?
	Really?
	Fucking really?
	But I wouldn't go public with it.
	I wouldn't be like, yo, fuck this.
	Oh, I always have to bite my tongue.
	But I knew.
	Nick doesn't.
	Yeah.
	But I knew my time was coming.
	I knew it.
	And if I had to make it, then I had to make it.
	And I'll still make it, dude.
	They gave me another one, by the way.
	I just signed another deal for my fourth.
	That's crazy.
	And I'm ready.
	And they want me to shoot now.
	And I'm like, no, I know exactly when I'm going to shoot it.
	And I know exactly where I'm going to shoot it.
	And that's where it's going to be.
	Dang.
	That creative control is so important, right?
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	And that's one thing that's nice about Netflix is that they give you that.
	Shout out to all of them, by the way.
	I just want to do that.
	Robbie Prague, Neil, Joanne, they, man, Robert Guillermo, yo, they are amazing over Netflix.
	Yeah.
	And, yo, and I always say that, you know, what I just told you right now, I did on stage in Malaysia, right?
	I was doing this huge venue in Malaysia, and I told the whole Netflix story about how they didn't give me the deal and how I tried to get them to come down, and they kept canceling, you know, come to this show.
	I'll fly you out.
	I told my manager, I'll fly them to San Francisco.
	I'll leave the jet running.
	Come watch my set.
	We'll shuttle them back to the jet and fly back.
	Like, I wanted that special so bad, bro.
	And they kept turning it on.
	And I was like, I don't get it.
	Like, why don't you want to see what I'm doing right now?
	Like, I was really hurt by it.
	And I was saying this on stage.
	And then I, you know, and then ended the story by saying, hey, I shot it myself.
	And then they bought it from me.
	So what I'm trying to say is don't let obstacles get in front of you.
	It's like an inspirational story, right?
	And then they were there.
	And I had no idea that one of the execs was there.
	There he is.
	And he was in line and he came and, you know, the meet and greet.
	And my fucking heart fell out of my chest.
	That would be hectic.
	And I'm like, yo, I don't want to say his name, but I go, I go, you know, I'm just telling my side of the story.
	And, you know, but as you can tell, I gave you guys love it.
	He goes, yo, you don't need to explain.
	He goes, I want you to tell that story.
	He goes, please tell that story.
	In fact, do that story on your next special on Netflix.
	Tell that story.
	Yeah.
	And I was like, he was cool with it.
	And when he said that, I just hugged him and I was like, thank you.
	I just, you know, there was just a lot of struggle that I was going through.
	A lot of tears.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah, there's nowhere to put it all a lot of times.
	There's nowhere to put it except in your work.
	Nobody wants to hear like a lot of the, you know, the sob story just doesn't really, there's no real place for it.
	There never is in the world.
	It's like all of your.
	What do you think that is, Theo?
	What do you think it is that people don't want to hear the sob story?
	Well, it's not even a sob story.
	It's an emotional story.
	It's a right.
	It's a grind.
	Like when people hear like what you just said to me, like I didn't know that about you.
	I didn't know you were struggling through that.
	I really didn't.
	I always looked at you as the guy that was like killing it.
	And it was kind of making me jealous because I knew I had like at least 10 years on you.
	Yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	But I never said that.
	Every time I told you, I praised you.
	I was posting your.
	You're always super nice, man.
	Yeah, because you're funny.
	You're really funny.
	But that inspires me.
	Like when I see someone blowing up, that inspires me.
	It's like, okay, it's possible.
	What is it that people don't want to hear?
	Is it because they don't want any motivation?
	Do they not want to be inspired?
	Do they like being where they're at?
	Does that make sense?
	Yeah, I think it makes sense.
	That's a good question, man.
	I think the motivational side of it, there's a place for it.
	There's a place to share your struggle.
	There's a place to share what happened and what it was like and your point of view.
	I think what there isn't a lot of times is there's no, here's what there isn't.
	There's never an apology.
	There's never like an from the industry, from whatever your idea in our heads of what the industry is.
	There's never like, hey, I'm sorry we didn't, you know.
	There's never, and I think that sometimes like can be like, it's just an unforgiving business.
	There's no apologies.
	There's no whatever.
	And it's in the end, it's just what I've learned about business.
	That business is just, you know, like you said, it's somebody in an office who, you know, finally Robbie Prowl came and saw me downtown at the Wiltern and we crushed it.
	And it was like, and he was really great, gracious backstage and like really kind.
	And like, and it was different.
	Like, you know, in my head, I'm always thinking like, oh, these people don't like me or they don't, you know, you know, and, but all that's just my side of the story.
	They're just doing business.
	They're not thinking about me.
	They're just thinking about whatever they have to do that day in their business, like anybody else.
	But there's never an apology.
	That's, I think, there's never, it's like that about a lot of things in life.
	Like there's never, you know, there's never, like maybe your dad behaved a certain way when you were young.
	There's, there's no way to get a like a healing from it.
	Sometimes there's just never a healing.
	You have to do it all yourself.
	Yeah.
	You have to like just forgive, you know, even if you made the war up in your own head or whatever, you have to forgive.
	You have to forgive.
	You have to, there's never that moment of like, hey, we were wrong, you know?
	And I don't know if that's one thing about life that's kind of tough sometimes is, you know, because I struggle with my relationship with my mother.
	But at a certain point, it's like, what am I going to do?
	Hound?
	Like, you know, she's an older, she's getting older now.
	It's like, all I can do is be forgiving, you know, just I may never get whatever it was I needed her to, you know, to say or to do.
	That shit may have long sailed, you know.
	Man, we are the same person, man.
	Yeah, you're so right about that.
	And it's hard.
	It's a hard pill to swallow, too.
	It's a hard pill to swallow.
	Ego is a motherfucker, bro.
	It's scary, bro.
	Look, I want to tell you that I have been having an issue getting a home mortgage loan and refinance.
	And one of the reasons is because I got a couple of dings on the credit.
	You know, I call Experience and I say, hey, boy, you danged up.
	You banged up, son.
	I didn't make a couple payments on time, timely payments, they say.
	Well, thankfully, I'm working with a company called Bridge Credit Solutions.
	They are different.
	They are backed with 100% money-back guarantee for any items they cannot remove.
	That's right.
	You will not find that anywhere in the credit repair industry.
	You'll know exactly what you're paying for at the beginning of the repair.
	Bridge Credit Solutions prides itself on its lightning-quick turnaround time.
	They will guarantee removal of certain negative items in as quick as 24 hours.
	That's right.
	Now, you will need to have Bridge Credit Report access prior to scheduling your audit.
	They cannot go over your credit report without it, but that costs just $1.
	They are very personable and they take credit repairs seriously.
	You can call or text no matter the hour.
	Go check them out.
	They're helping me.
	BridgecreditSolutions.com slash Theo.
	I see with a lot of these athletes, too.
	You see them struggling with ego.
	You know, Antonio Brown and Michael Thomas is having an issue this year, it seems like, with the Saints.
	Just like the hype and the, you know, just what it is.
	I mean, that's a separate avenue, but just what that does to us thinking about ourselves.
	Well, it's not us thinking.
	What I meant by ego is like just being a little too prideful where you're like, I know I'm right.
	And until you say sorry, then we can just not talk.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	Is that what we're saying?
	Oh, yeah, totally.
	Yeah.
	That's a good point.
	Yeah.
	It's like until you figure out your side of it.
	Yeah.
	But then sometimes it's like you're holding a grudge.
	It's never that's never going to be completed from the other side.
	Yep.
	So then it just leaves you sitting there with the pieces and it's like, okay, well, what are you going to do?
	You're going to keep cutting your wrist with these pieces or you're going to fucking, you know, you're going to make them into like a stained glass window and fucking move on.
	You know, it's like, but it's hard.
	And sometimes you'll make the window and that bitch will fall apart again and you'll fucking get them back out.
	It's so true.
	It's crazy.
	It's on the ground again.
	It's so beautiful for a minute.
	Yeah.
	For a weekend.
	It made sense.
	It's back on the fucking ground.
	It's going to take me months to fix.
	But then also it's like, you don't like, I think you don't realize that you're the story for people a lot of times.
	Like, man, Joe Coy had to make his own, had to convince these people.
	And to me, it would be the most obvious thing.
	Like, you know, it always seemed like they're making, they're looking for diversity.
	They're looking for, you know, who else?
	What other, what are they going to get?
	Manny Pacquiao to fucking tell jokes.
	He can't even hold the microphone in the gloves.
	That's crazy.
	I seen him.
	I seen him.
	I kept slipping.
	This microphone, it needs to be stickier.
	So it's like, what was their plan?
	How are they, and then, and then the gift you also give them by reaching this audience.
	Yeah, man.
	Like, fuck, bro, that's a huge gift.
	And so it's hard sometimes to feel when you've been burned to then turn around and realize that now you're just gifting, you know, even more of, you know, of an audience to this already huge, you know, conglomerate.
	But that's just.
	I'm just happy that you and I live in that time where we got to show these kids that, hey, you got to open these doors.
	Yeah.
	No matter how many.
	People also did it by coming to see us, by not giving like fans.
	That's what it is.
	Support.
	Yeah, man.
	People are like, I'm going to go see Joe Coy make this special because I know that he brings joy to me.
	Or I'm going to go be there at the Wiltern and have a great time.
	And all those people don't realize that all of that goes into that moment where the executive finally says, oh, okay, this is a new piece of business for us.
	Yeah, exactly, because that's how they see it.
	You're so right, man.
	It's just, it's tough when art and your heart meet, you know, when art and business meet each other.
	Yeah.
	It's just, it's a, it's just a tough thing, man.
	It is.
	Here's a fellow right here who has a, wants to chime in.
	Yeah.
	He looks like he's been growing a baby hair mustache for a long time.
	Oh, yeah.
	This guy definitely.
	What's up, Dio?
	What's up, Joe?
	Hey, what's up?
	My name is Troy.
	I live in Ohio.
	I just got home from work.
	Long day at the office.
	My question to you two is how do you stay positive knowing that your dreams are pretty much in the gutter?
	You had to cash in that corporate check in order to pay for some bills and didn't end up getting that dream.
	You know, both of y'all are stand-up comedians.
	Both of y'all do your thing.
	But for those others out there, people like me, what have you got to say so that we can keep on trucking?
	Man, how crazy that you press played at that video after we just said this?
	And that's just like Nick's on point, man.
	Nick's on prox does a great job.
	But man, like there's a lot of people out there that think like that.
	And like, yo, it's done for me.
	Did you think like that at a point?
	So take us there and then take us out of there.
	Bro, when I was working at Nordstrom Rack, I swear, and Tony Rock just got a deal with some, I forgot what the show was, but it was being produced by Will Smith.
	And, you know, and we're doing the Laugh Factory every night.
	And I'm at Nordstrom Rag.
	I'm crushing every night, bro.
	I'm wearing waiters' outfits.
	I got mustard and shit on my chest.
	And I'm crushing, you know, alongside Tony and Dane and Bob Sagett.
	Like, I'm fucking slaying, bro.
	But then I'm shelving shoes, and I'm trying to buy diapers, and I'm just trying to make these DVDs to sell.
	And barely shelving shoes, I'll be honest at Nordstrom Rack.
	Yeah, man.
	Rarely do you get a match.
	Rarely.
	And by the way, when I say shelving shoes, I'm just grabbing the shit that's on the floor and throwing it back on the rack.
	Oh, I've left in a sandal and a boot.
	Oh, 150.
	Easily.
	Oh, man.
	When they always came to ask me for a size, I go back there.
	I literally went back there to not look For that fucking size, I gave two shits.
	It was a five-minute break for me, and then I came back down.
	I'm like, I can't find it.
	I think someone that tried it on left it out there.
	Good luck.
	And you just see this bitch, like, well, my God, can someone pick up these fucking shoes?
	There's so many.
	It was like supermarket sweep for your feet, I feel like for real.
	That was just insane.
	I remember I was walking down the aisle because I had to pick up shoes and put them in a trash can.
	And then you fill up the trash can, then you re-restock it, right?
	As I'm going down each aisle, there's a lady that had a shoe on and it didn't work.
	And she just kicked it.
	And we both, our eyes locked.
	I'm like, you bitch.
	And then she's like, I'll get it.
	I'm like, yeah, bitch, go get it.
	And won't you get the rest?
	You're the reason for this mess, you bitch.
	She's just in there, this Ursula footwear.
	Yeah, yeah.
	She's just trying them on and kicking them off.
	But what I was saying is, dude, there was times where I wanted to quit, man.
	I just wanted to quit.
	I was getting so mad.
	You know, you see all these guys just getting stuff, man.
	And you're just like, dude, what am I doing?
	Why am I doing this?
	Even my mom was telling me, just get a full-time job already.
	Like your son's getting older now.
	And not older, but he was like two.
	But she's like, you got to start thinking about, you know, school.
	What kind of school?
	What kind of insurance are you going to get your son?
	Like, you don't have a job.
	Like, you're working part-time.
	Like, and that shit is in your ear, but it's also like reality.
	You're like, yeah, I got to start thinking about my son.
	Maybe I'll go be a manager at a bank or something.
	Like, I'll throw in the towel.
	I don't know.
	So, yeah, a lot of that was happening, but I was like, no, I refuse.
	I couldn't do it, man.
	I just kept selling to I, you know, I shot it.
	There's an hour special floating out there.
	I know someone has it, but I remember paying someone 500 bucks or something like that for like three cameras to go shoot me somewhere.
	Wow.
	And I was going to sell that as my special because everyone else was getting specials and I couldn't get one.
	I was like, I need a special.
	And I went and shot it.
	It was like somewhere on Sunset Boulevard, some art museum or something like that.
	And I went and shot it.
	And it's out there.
	Yeah, it's floating out there somewhere, man.
	That's awesome.
	Yeah.
	That would crush if you got your hands on that.
	I know.
	Crazy, right?
	Yeah, I'd sell, I'd find that and sell that, crazy, right?
	You know, I used to burn DVDs in my friend Chris.
	Oh, yeah.
	Did you buy the three-disc tower and you burn them like that?
	Yes.
	Yeah, I did that too, dude.
	I'd cart that thing.
	I'd put it in my bag, take it to wherever to fucking loony bin or whatever, set that bitch up in the hotel.
	What?
	And fucking burn those things.
	I'd burn the name of the DVD on it.
	Dude, some of the sketches on it, they weren't even fucking mine.
	They were just shit I'd found on the internet that I put on.
	That's funny.
	That's so funny.
	Totally, bro.
	There was some shit that some of it was just like this black guy singing, dude.
	There was like, I don't even know what this shit is.
	Oh, how funny is that?
	Theo's favorite things to watch.
	That was the name of your DVD.
	Hey guys, I'm Theo Vaughn.
	These are some of the funniest things I like to watch.
	Thank you for buying it.
	Dude, one time a lady brought, I just sold her the case on accident and she got home.
	It came the next day.
	Oh, there was no DVD in it.
	Broke my heart, man.
	And I would print off down in the lobby of the business area.
	I would print off like all the little DVD inserts and put those things in, man.
	It's so funny.
	You want to know what I did?
	My friend Chris worked at Blockbuster Video.
	And, you know, this is, they would buy DVDs, right?
	But it would be Sony and all that, right?
	The covers.
	But they wanted their covers to say Blockbuster on the inside of it.
	So they would take those covers and throw them away and replace those covers with Blockbuster covers.
	Wow.
	And they would have garbage bags full.
	Bro.
	I had thousands of Blockbuster, like, whatever, those covers.
	You know what I'm talking about?
	Covers cases.
	I had cases.
	That's what they were called.
	I had so many of those, man.
	That's classy.
	And that's what I put my sleeve in that.
	It looked like a legit DVD, bro.
	That's awesome.
	I even scanned a barcode and it's in the bottom right corner.
	No.
	I'll send you a picture of it.
	I think it's like, it's probably soup.
	Yeah.
	If you scan it, it'll probably say Campbell's.
	I'm not even joking.
	I even got the logo that said DVD and I put it on the spine of the thing.
	I went and got those printed off at a legit printing company.
	It said Joe Cois DVD volume one because Jay-Z had a volume one.
	I sold those for five bucks a pop.
	But you buy a stack for $100, right?
	Yeah.
	There was a stack for $100.
	You get 100 DVDs and I sold them for $5 a pop, man.
	After profit, I mean, your profit was $400.
	Oh, you can make, yeah, dude, if you were making some money, man, because you didn't make any money going to do the weekends.
	No, no, you never made money on those weekends.
	Dude, I remember I went over about 10 years, I had 27,000, I think, in credit card debt just from doing the road, you know?
	And it was just, man, that was scary.
	That was pretty scary.
	That was rough, man.
	But I think with having a dream or how you bounce back into it, man, I think one thing that's interesting about these days is you can start so many new things.
	Like you couldn't back in the day.
	Yeah.
	You know, like rarely back in the day did someone go from being like a realist, like a miner in a coal mine to like a real estate.
	Yeah.
	You know, but you could do fracking now, and then two months later, you could be mixing beats.
	Like you could be DJing weddings.
	And I think there's unique ways you can find to create talent and create like some type of revenue for yourself if you want.
	You know what I said the other day?
	With all the tools that these kids have now, right?
	They have so many tools, man.
	You can make your own book.
	You can make your own magazine.
	You can make your own movie in the palm of your hand.
	It's getting easier.
	Legit, your own movie.
	Your camera is legit this close to being a red camera.
	Yeah.
	Like it's the quality is so good.
	And everything is in the palm of your hands.
	And what I'm trying to say is, if you're not doing something because you have an excuse because you need something else, you're literally just lazy.
	Right.
	And that's, that's your only problem.
	It has nothing to do with what you got or how much money you got or I need this or I Need that you are literally lazy, you're a lazy person, and that's the only thing you need to work on.
	And you can, and that, and that's something that can be kind of cured, you know, and not even to look at it like also maximizing your laziness, yeah, man.
	You know, like if you're gonna be lazy, be lazy, but also have some semblance of a plan of when you're not gonna be.
	Yeah, but yeah, I think I feel like you know, your dreams can change at any time.
	I mean, Nick was a degenerate gambler, yeah, and a drunk.
	Nick, yeah, I think Nick dropped out of school.
	Both of those things, though, so I want you to, I want everyone to know, I know Nick as well when he was over at Corolla, and he would roll up and go, hey, man, the trunk of my car is missing.
	Where is it?
	It's behind a bar.
	Yeah, and then when I did get fired, yeah, Theo likes to say pick me up off the free agent website.
	He was on CBS Sports Fantasy, yeah.
	Yeah.
	He was always great, man.
	Nick was always great.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, Nick's one of a kind, man.
	He's a unique guy.
	He's a degenerate gambler.
	But Nick was living in his car, and Nick went to Vegas to play cards.
	It's close.
	I played full-time online poker after college, and I dropped out.
	But then separately, I just quit my job, full-time job in Minneapolis and drove out here and lived in my car until I got the internship at Corolla.
	And he hired me full-time.
	But like literally to work in podcasting.
	So I think there's ways.
	Yeah, there's just like, I think there's different times in your life too when it is tougher.
	Like this gentleman's saying, you know, he might be at a different point in his life.
	You might have a wife or kids and responsibilities.
	You might have a family member you're responsible for taking care of.
	There's a guy, Justin McClure.
	Will you look him up real quick on Facebook?
	So he's a comedian and he ended up getting married and he has two daughters.
	And now they have a like a Facebook Live show that's like a really popular show.
	Really?
	And he just, you know, we worked together a couple of times.
	Really, really nice guy, hard worker.
	And he just kind of figured out how to make something work for him.
	And now they have like a family show that, you know, that helps bring in revenue for their family and stuff like that.
	And it's on Facebook.
	That's cool, man.
	When you travel down that path and you stay on that path, it eventually works out.
	It works out for something.
	I think like sometimes you don't know where the path is going to go.
	And that's the hardest part.
	Like knowing like, because I used to do this thing called crank texting where I would just text strangers, right?
	Like just text random phone numbers.
	Yeah.
	And I would just say, hey, what's up, right?
	Yeah.
	And then I'd get into a conversation sometimes and somebody would think I was an old friend or something.
	Hey, is this Randall?
	And it's like, yeah, I haven't heard from you in a while.
	And then next thing you know, I'm asking if I can come stay the night.
	And it's like, you know, I'm in this crazy conversation that makes no sense, right?
	It's not even real.
	Yeah.
	Like I was in relationships with people.
	Like, oh, bro, crazy stuff.
	Crazy stuff.
	So, I mean, I texted probably about 40,000 numbers over a couple of year period.
	Are you serious?
	Dude, I was so lonely.
	I would text I would text batches.
	This is when you were on the road or you were just doing this?
	This was all the time.
	You could bring up crank text, Nick?
	This was all the time.
	I would just start texting strangers.
	Yeah, I just got into it.
	And sometimes I would just text just a group of people, you know?
	Just cranktext.com.
	Do you renew this domain every year?
	I think so.
	Let's see if it's still a good idea.
	So obviously it needs to be adjusted here for the screen somehow.
	But yeah, you get into different conversations.
	Like I would text people in a certain area code, like in Indiana, and I'd be like, we're raising money for Civil War reenactments after school team, right?
	And you get into real conversations.
	People start leaving you voicemails.
	And next thing you know, you have this whole conversation.
	Then you can take it and you post it in here, right?
	So you get into, like, you know, this one was one I would text.
	Thank you for, what's that?
	The Hellmans one.
	Thank you for entering the Love Your Hellmans contest.
	We'll be contacting you once the judges have reviewed all entries.
	Good luck and thank you for loving your Hellmans.
	So you just send that to strangers and people are like, what in the fuck you talking about, dude?
	Or you send them a picture, you know?
	Oh, Hellman's man.
	And then they have to reply.
	But anyway, I got into insane conversations.
	I would text a group of people and I would be like, oh, Ricky won third place.
	And I would get a picture of an Asian kid with a trophy and just send it to all of them in a mass text, right?
	And so somebody would be like, who's Ricky, right?
	And somebody would be like, take me off this chain, right?
	And somebody would be like, oh, bless his heart, man.
	And then somebody else would be like, who in the fuck is this, man?
	And I'd be like, if some of you guys cared, if you had been there, if you cared more, you'd have been there to see him win, right?
	So anyway, I get in this crazy conversation with people and I would just save them and put them online.
	Anyway, fast forward.
	That was your idea?
	Right.
	That was my idea, right?
	This is probably a decade ago.
	So Howie Mandel was looking for somebody to host a prank show.
	So I had done this for years, man.
	I'd spent a ton of money paying people to edit them up.
	Spent a ton of time, ton of time.
	And he's like, oh, I like your prank website.
	And so that's how I got a job hosting his prank show.
	So he saw it.
	He saw it.
	Yeah.
	And so it was like, I'd spent all this time doing it and it wasn't getting anywhere.
	Yeah.
	I just didn't have the PR to make it pop.
	And then it got me a job on his show.
	And it wasn't like my type of show, really, but it was a great opportunity.
	It gave me enough money where I was able to then to pay back the comedy debt that I built up.
	And you also have a relationship with Howie.
	And now I still have a relationship with Howie.
	Yeah, which is great.
	So, which then introduced me, he got me on like Arsenio Hall one time to perform.
	Just little things.
	So it's just like, you just don't know what you're doing now, where it could end you up sometimes.
	Yeah.
	Yo, and when you give up on that, it's gone.
	Or when you stray off that path, you know what I mean?
	And go off into a different direction.
	And if your heart isn't that way, nothing's going to happen.
	Right?
	Yeah, your heart has to be there though.
	Your heart has to be here.
	And whether, no matter how bad the struggle is, as long as your heart is there, things will happen.
	I keep saying that.
	Like, every time I go on this road, something just comes into my path.
	It just happens.
	You know what I mean?
	And then next thing, this relationship starts.
	And next, you know, I'm building this.
	And now I'm writing this.
	And that's what it is.
	It's just staying here, man.
	Once you give up and stray off, like, if I would have became a manager, like my mom wanted me to be, I'd be at Wells Fargo going, hey, man, let me tell you this one joke that I got.
	You're going to love this one.
	They're like, oh, God, here comes that manager guy.
	Here he comes again.
	Here comes Zinger.
	He's always got a pocket full of zingers.
	When I was living in my car, I started a website because they just released this thing on NFL.com.
	It was called the All 22 Cam.
	So you could actually see the place because you can't see that on TV.
	You can see what the safeties are doing.
	And I wanted to break down the X's and O's.
	And I bought a website called PackersFilmroom.com.
	And I didn't know what I was doing, but I learned how to build a website.
	And I was living in my car.
	So like $150 for a domain at that time was a significant amount of money.
	And it went for nothing.
	It didn't do anything.
	But I learned how to build a website.
	And a bunch of that stuff when I got hired at Corolla, I immediately started doing some of that stuff for them.
	And I just learned it.
	Yeah.
	So at that time, it was a scary investment, but you were so, your heart was in it that thank God you did that because it gave you the tools that you needed when you did get the opportunity.
	Right?
	Doing something is always better than doing nothing.
	I guess what we're trying to say is risk.
	Yeah, some risk takers.
	There's risk takers.
	There's risk takers, yeah.
	And you also don't know what the things you've been doing where those elements are going to be needed or when that value is going to pay off.
	Yes.
	You just don't know when that value is going to pay off sometimes, man.
	You know, now Nick has another MMA podcast, and they talk about gambling on fights, right?
	So he probably didn't know.
	Yeah, yeah.
	I haven't really put one out, but I'll put some content online, and people are into it.
	It's fun.
	And it's just what I like to do.
	But who knows, you know, who knows a decade ago when he's, you know, just playing online poker, you just don't know sometimes.
	And you still don't know.
	That's the amazing thing about life is that it'd be like, oh, I still didn't realize this little thing that happened so long ago is going to pay this unique dividend in a financial way or a spiritual way or all types of ways.
	That's crazy, man.
	My live from Seattle, the special that I had to shoot, the opening joke was a joke I wrote when I opened for Corey Holcomb on some nightclub that was out in, what is that freeway, the 18 or whatever?
	Just some weird freeway when you're going towards Magic Mountain and then it goes Palmdale.
	It was out in Palmdale.
	And I was opening for Corey Holcomb and it was at a nightclub.
	No one was allowed to sit on the dance floor.
	They sat on the outside of the dance floor.
	We performed in the middle of the dance floor because the owner didn't want you to scratch up the dance floor with chairs and tables.
	It was so good.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Scratch up the dance floor.
	So I went up.
	I killed.
	By the way, every comic always says they kill, right?
	So I killed.
	And then we're driving back and I'm not getting any love from Corey.
	You know what I mean?
	Like, I'm like, so now I got to like bait him into a compliment.
	And I'm like, yo, man, I destroyed that shit, right?
	And he's like, yeah, but still don't know who the fuck you are, motherfucker.
	And I'm like, what?
	What do you mean?
	Like, I don't know who the fuck you are.
	Like, who are you, Joe Corey?
	Like, you just did a bunch of bull shit.
	Like, you did all that.
	Basically, I was just doing the easy shit, right?
	To be funny.
	Right.
	But I don't know who you are.
	Like, who are you?
	What are you?
	And then I swear to God, man, that whole ride was just kind of like, I mean, we were still joking around, but in my head, I was like, fuck, I gotta, I gotta write about who I am.
	Wow.
	And, and I, and, uh, and I, by the way, I was still opening for Corey, by the way.
	And I tell this story in my book because it was such a, it was one of those moments where you get, you get hip checked and you get hip checked hard because I was, I was killing so much that I thought, oh, that's, I'm a comic.
	I'm a comedian.
	Until you, until you open for a, a veteran and he's like, who the fuck are you, bro?
	Like, what's your voice?
	Do you know your voice?
	What are you?
	And mixed play.
	And I went home and I literally was just, I couldn't even sleep, Theo.
	I just kept looking at the ceiling, just like trying to figure out how do I tell people who I am.
	And I never talk about my dad.
	How can I say my dad real quick without going into it too deep?
	And that's that opening line that I say in that special for Live from Seattle was written that night from Corey Holcomb like 14 years ago.
	Wow.
	It was a 14-year-old joke that I never used.
	Isn't that crazy?
	It's crazy, man.
	There's jokes that I'll be afraid to use for a long time, you know, for some reason.
	And they'll finally come to the surface.
	But yeah, it's amazing, man.
	Mixed plate, that's the book, guys, if you want to grab it.
	Yeah, man.
	Pre-order.
	It's not out yet.
	No, March.
	Wow.
	We're supposed to be out this year, but I can't do a book tour.
	Oh, yeah.
	So we want to wait until it opens up.
	We might postpone it.
	We don't know.
	But I still want to be on the road when that book comes out.
	Yeah, it'd be fun.
	Yeah, man.
	Just interact with people about it.
	We both did that Sam Adams deal.
	That was because of you.
	Yeah, it was cool.
	I wasn't even supposed to be on that thing.
	That was a good deal.
	Peo called.
	I'm glad I did.
	Yours was really cute, man.
	P.O.'s amazing.
	I want everyone to know that.
	I thought yours was cool, man.
	Let's watch it real quick.
	Oh, man.
	Telling jokes for a living.
	This is my dream come true.
	Always wanted to be a comic, and I love it.
	I'm Joe Coy, stand-up comedian.
	And I'm here to toast my mother.
	That two-pack, baby.
	Without her, none of this would have happened.
	I think a lot of people forget to just be grateful.
	People do stuff for us, and then we just act as if that's what they were supposed to do.
	It also sucks when you help somebody and they walk by and you're like, son of a bitch didn't even thank me.
	Ungrateful shit.
	My mom sacrificed everything to give me the opportunity to live my dream.
	And this toast was the best opportunity for me to say thank you.
	You know, when my mom and dad divorced, I was right around 10, 11, and she became everything.
	She was pretty much the backbone of the entire family.
	When I said I wanted to be a comic, her head was like, what?
	Are you crazy?
	I remember working in a showstore.
	We were still doing stand-up at night.
	My mom was just like, I told you, stop doing this.
	You're going to be broke.
	No, we live in a country where Dreams are possible and it can happen.
	Just give me some time.
	Since day one, I wanted to make sure that the world could laugh.
	And when I tell your story on stage, it's something that I'm very proud of.
	For years, I was like, How am I gonna talk about my mom?
	I didn't want to go up on stage and just be like, Oh, I'm Filipino, and Filipinos do this.
	If you listen, you're gonna be like, Oh, my mom does the same shit.
	I mean, you're doing great, and I'm proud of you.
	You wanted me to be a lawyer.
	Well, we digress.
	Now I see being a comedian, my goodness, I mean, you're 1,000% secure.
	Sam Adams, it's grassroots, it's family.
	What I take from that is the same thing that I got from my mom.
	And that's why Sam Adams is the best beer for this toast.
	The reason why I brought you here today is I wanted to toast you.
	This is hard.
	Harder than I thought.
	Pretty lady, man.
	Woo!
	It's a little too much.
	When you came to this country, it was to give the kids an opportunity that you knew that you would never have.
	Everywhere I go, people will be yelling your name and they clap their hand.
	And I know it's because of you.
	So I also want you to know that I'm so proud of you.
	You see, you started this.
	You're the reason why I've been able to do this.
	Thank you for everything you've sacrificed.
	This is for you.
	And I love you.
	Did your mom drink beer and toast you?
	You got me all so much.
	Thank you.
	Oh, I always cry in here.
	I got a lot of money.
	I cry too, lady.
	That's good.
	Yeah, that's good.
	I love it.
	It's cool.
	You want some more?
	Yeah.
	You want some more?
	What the fuck?
	That's nice.
	Why'd you do that?
	Bro, I didn't plan on watching it all the way through, but it's nice.
	It's a nice sentiment, man.
	You know, it's important.
	Oh, man.
	You know, it's hard to have moments like that with our parents, I think.
	It's hard to get to those moments and then actually follow through and actually have them.
	Yeah.
	Like sometimes I'll have an idea in my head, like, okay, I want to talk to my mom about this or say this or, you know, tell a family member this.
	But when it comes down to the moment, I just don't really follow through the way I want to.
	I'll back off at a moment when I have a feeling of some sort that's uncomfortable.
	Yeah, you're right.
	It's weird, man.
	It is weird.
	But it's important.
	You know, it's important, bro.
	That was cool.
	I didn't know he was crying.
	I was trying to fight my dude.
	Did you see me, Nick, do this?
	I looked out like, oh, man, not now.
	She's a pretty lady, man.
	Did you hear what she said?
	That's when you know I'm not lying about my mom when she goes, when I knew you were 1,000% secure.
	Oh.
	Those were those conversations when she would tell me to quit.
	Yeah, secure, that's a unique word.
	People don't just throw that around a lot of times.
	She was all about benefits and health insurance, security, retirement.
	Like, dude, like...
	Yeah, man.
	Really?
	That's my mom.
	That's how she talked.
	You know, she was married to two soldiers.
	So that's all she talks about.
	My mom's been talking about retirement since she was 36. You just live first?
	Talk about retirement later.
	That's funny, man.
	Yeah, it's powerful, man.
	It's interesting, man.
	It's interesting to see.
	Thanks for calling those guys, by the way.
	That was really cool of you.
	Yeah, that was great.
	Well, they had a cool campaign, man.
	It was a cool campaign.
	You did yours with...
	Oh, yeah.
	So mine was just at the Laugh Factory with the audience.
	Brendan did his, I think, with Brian.
	Yeah.
	Who else?
	Segura, Shafir.
	Oh, how was Segura's?
	I didn't see that one.
	He might have done his wife.
	Oh, yeah.
	Probably, yeah.
	I got to watch it.
	But pretty cool, man.
	Thank you, man.
	Yeah, thank you, man.
	Thank you for coming in today and just chatting.
	It was good.
	Some of the things you said I needed to hear, just like, you know, just kind of stay the road and just be reminded of like, you know, that I still want to be funny and I want to like, you know, to just find that dream, that passion.
	Yeah.
	You know, and realize that I still have stories that I want to tell.
	And even more so, like, who am I?
	Yeah, man.
	You know, like, I love telling stories and I love telling, but sometimes it would be brave to even get even more into who I am.
	Oh, I wish you would.
	But that's why when I said that last time about your cartoons, I'm like, dude, this has to be a series.
	It's like you have a story after a story after a story and they just keep coming out of you.
	Yeah.
	I can't wait to see all of them.
	By the way, my son's a huge fan of yours.
	Oh, that's cool, man.
	Yeah, he loves you, man.
	Yeah, he's a handsome guy.
	He's growing up, huh?
	Oh, yeah, he's great.
	He's going to be 18 here pretty soon.
	I'm going to have those socks.
	We'll put them on the shelf.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	Hang it.
	Oh, we want him here.
	We want him here forever.
	I'm going to send you the picture, man.
	My favorite part is what we both looked down at, and then we both looked at each other.
	And he's like, I'll pick him up, dad.
	Let me pick him up.
	No shit, Joe.
	Yeah.
	Does he have a funny vibe?
	What's his vibe?
	Oh, he's very funny.
	He's got it.
	I don't know what he wants to do.
	I know he loves making beats, but I really see him acting.
	And man, if he could do stand-up, man, I would love to open for my son, man.
	Ooh, that'd be cool.
	I would love it, man.
	I would love to just retire and be like, hey, son, can I just do five minutes in front of you?
	I would love that.
	Dude, that'd be so cool.
	That would be so cool.
	Have you ever known anybody that got to do that?
	I think only Damon Jr. is the only one I know.
	Oh, that's true.
	I don't know if they tour, but that would be dope to have Damon and Damon Jr. on the same ticket.
	One of my favorite nights ever.
	I was over at Hunter Henry.
	Hunter Hill has a show over at Usta at La Cena to get the black box over there.
	And Damon Wayans was going to be there.
	And I grew up on Living Color.
	Of course.
	By the way, Last Stand.
	I think that's his special.
	I think that's what it's called, his HBO special.
	You guys, you have to watch it.
	It's great.
	It's a beast, man.
	I haven't seen it.
	Crushes.
	You go watch it.
	All right, go ahead.
	I'm sorry.
	But I told a joke and I heard him laugh at one point.
	He was in the back of the room.
	And it was like every moment of my childhood of like impersonating him out in the street with my friends and everything.
	It was just, it did all come full circle.
	It was real cool.
	That's so cool, man.
	It was pretty dope.
	Mixed plate, you can get it early.
	Pre-order now, right?
	Yes.
	Pre-order joeque.com.
	And thanks so much for coming and spending time with us.
	Nick, you have anything else?
	No, thanks for gripping Joe.
	Dude, that was amazing.
	It was fun, man.
	That man.
	That's shit, bro.
	Love you, bro.
	Love you.
	Now I'm just floating on the breeze.
	And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
	I must be cornerstone.
	Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind I found.
	I can feel it in my bones.
	But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking break and let myself on mine shine.
	Find that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song I will sing it just for you guitar solo
	Now I've been moving way too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of high past.
	And these wheels that I've been riding on, they're warned so thin that they're damn near gone.
	I guess now they just were built to land.
	Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
	The answer may shock you.
	Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
	Sometimes I won't.
	And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
	You have three new voicemas.
	A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
	I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
	So great.
	Hi, Sweet.
	Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy-bloody wika.
	Charmaine.
	Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
	Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
	Oh, no!
	Oh!
	I think Tom Hanks just buckdowned me.
	Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
	Third rule.
	Like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

▲