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Nov. 3, 2020 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

01:09:16

E304 Booty Hawk

New Merch https://theovonstore.com ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This episode is brought to you by: Ship Station https://www.shipstation.com and click the microphone at top of home page and type in theo for 60 Days Free Betterhelp https://betterhelp.com/theo for 10% OFF your First Month ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Music: “Do More Good” - Cordovas https://youtu.be/RLYqwb3TN3Q ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://bit.ly/TPW_VideoHotline ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastw... Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEK... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Producer: Nick Davis https://instagram.com/realnickdavis Associate Producer: Riley Mau https://www.instagram.com/riguythecameraguy/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Time	Text
	Hello, darkness, my old friend.
	What's going on, guys?
	What is going on?
	You know, I ask you all the time what's going on, and then I just say, I just tell you what's going on.
	But I don't know.
	I'm happy to be back here in the Central East.
	I know that, you know, I'm happy to be back here.
	And I got here and had to have that one egg dinner.
	You ever end up on that one egg dinner?
	You get home and you don't have groceries.
	You've been out of town.
	It's too late to thaw out something.
	It's too late to thaw out a little sirloin or a cut a hawk or something or a chicken thigh.
	It's too late for that.
	So you got to manage with what you have.
	You have to manage.
	And so you know, you end up opening the eggs and you got one egg left.
	That Uno Huevo, baby.
	That Lance Armstrong, dog.
	You say, damn, man.
	And you just make that one egg.
	You know, and it's heartbreaking a little bit, but it's also, it's better than nothing.
	It's better than nothing right there.
	That one egg wonder, that's what they call me.
	That one egg wonder.
	The election, it's coming.
	It's here.
	The results are going to come in slowly.
	I think it'll be probably a month.
	Could be a weeks.
	Who knows for everybody?
	They got to get the mail-ins, the email in.
	Some people traveled back in time and wrote who they voted for on a cave wall.
	They got to go back in time and do that.
	They got to use the Ouija board and see who everybody voted for from the 1700s.
	You know, they got people doing all kinds of people.
	Some people paying money, have the plane right in the sky.
	Joey, Donnie.
	A lot of tablets are going to happen.
	They got to tableture all the votes.
	And then we'll know.
	And there's some people they think, oh, it's going to, you know, everybody, they're going to, people going to go crazy.
	They're going to be people, you know, Paul Bunyan's going to go through the streets.
	People's, you know, they're boarding up Beverly Hills.
	People just, you know.
	I guess if, look, if you want to go, if you want to go hard, it's a good day to go hard.
	You know, maybe it's if that day, if you want to get out and steal some sandals and throw a damn, you know, a wheelchair through a Panera bread window, get out there and live your life, sucker.
	Okay, if you want to set a Baskin Robbins on fire and, you know, kickstart a batch of grilled rocky road, get out there and be somebody.
	But I'll tell you this, baby.
	I'm only about 48 hours off of pornography at the moment.
	And I believe that adult asthma is a choice.
	And that's who I am, baby.
	let's get into it Here we go.
	Well, the young and the old, the sick and the cold, the ones that just long get out of control.
	The ones that are calm and the ones that are cold and everyone's standing around the table.
	The meek and the mild, the weak and the wild, the ones who won't speak this mean to a child.
	Those who have lived with their feet to the fire and forgave every miserable jailer.
	This is that uplifter right there.
	You can feel it.
	Hey, I love them all.
	Ain't gonna quit.
	That goes double for you.
	Gonna do more good.
	Gonna talk less shit.
	That's about all I can do.
	Oh, yeah, man.
	You hear that?
	Hey!
	That's a good one.
	Let's get that again.
	Here we go.
	I love them all.
	Ain't gonna quit.
	Ain't gonna quit.
	That goes double for you.
	That goes double for you.
	Gonna do more good.
	Gonna talk less shit.
	And that's about all I can do.
	Amen, brother.
	Gonna do more good, gonna talk less shit, and that's about all I can do.
	That right there is a band, an outfit right there, musical crack up called Cordovas Do More Good.
	I'm gonna do more good.
	I'm gonna talk less shit.
	And that's about all I can do.
	You know, people saying catastrophe.
	Oh, the volcano is going to go off.
	You know, people are going to be lighting volcanoes.
	People saying, oh, be careful, you know.
	Guns are going to be shooting themselves.
	It's going to be a crazy day.
	And I don't believe that.
	I believe that the hype, all the BS from the election and the dololly, all of that is done.
	It's kind of hacky now.
	It's been done.
	You're going to go out there and spray paint on a building?
	What kind of rerun shit is that?
	People are going to have to up the ante or do nothing.
	I believe it's just going to be passive.
	I just believe that it's been, it's already, you know, it's already all been done.
	You know, I just, I don't know.
	I think it'll take a while to get the results for the election.
	And I think it's, you know, it's normal.
	You know, it's pretty normal the way it always goes.
	The election always happens.
	This time, it feels like, though, that everybody is, and I don't know if people, if everybody is really bought in more, but they saying it.
	The most early ballots ever cast.
	But that's because nobody has anything to do.
	You know, a lot of people aren't working.
	People can cast their ballots early.
	You know, the poll places have been open.
	Usually they're open on one day.
	Now they're open, you know, a couple of weeks or whatever it is.
	So you can have the early voting.
	Some people know a decision early.
	You know, some people don't know a decision real early, man.
	But it's kind of like a little bit of a Super Bowl.
	It'll be fun.
	You know, I always find election night is kind of a fun night.
	It's fun to watch and see it all kind of come in and see how it shakes out.
	You know?
	I think that Trump will win the election.
	I just think that people say, who do you think will win?
	I think he will win.
	The incumbent, I think it's called.
	Let me look it up.
	Incumbent.
	Currently holding office.
	The incumbent usually wins that second term.
	I think George W. Bush was the last fellow that couldn't handle, that couldn't handle at all.
	And so they, you know, they belted him out.
	But the incumbent usually wins.
	So did I bet a couple grand that Trump would win?
	Yes, I did.
	Yes, I did.
	So we'll see.
	Now, did I have that money because Bryce Mitchell won the other day?
	Yes, I do.
	Yes, I do.
	Thank you, Bryce Mitchell.
	I don't know if anybody watched the MMAs, but Bryce Mitchell got it done over there, and he had a great fight against Philippe.
	And both of them are great fighters.
	Sometimes I want the fight to go on for 16 rounds, 17 rounds.
	I want to see them.
	I want to have one round where they just tickle each other.
	You know, just full-body tickling.
	No crotch or nothing, but the rest of the body, you know.
	You know, nonsensual kind of regions or whatever they call it.
	But anyway, yeah, I wanted to have this episode today.
	You know, I think we're going to start coming out on Tuesday.
	You know, not doing Sunday night gives me a little bit more of a, I can enjoy my weekend.
	I can plan a weekend and enjoy it.
	So we're going to see how it goes.
	And, you know, it's all a learning curve.
	But I appreciate you guys being here with me and just being a part of my life.
	And especially being a part of this past weekend.
	I really do.
	You know, what else is going on?
	I went to Baton Rouge over the weekend to go trick-or-treating with the kiddos out there.
	Some kid called me a fag, actually.
	Some little kid in the street.
	He called me an American fag.
	And then he laughed, and him and his friends laughed, and they were on scooters.
	And I don't know, whatever.
	What else happened?
	Oh, some guy said, oh, are you dressed as Theo the comedian, Theo Von the comedian?
	And I just kind of looked at him and he's like, that's awesome, man.
	And then he walked off.
	I thought that was kind of interesting.
	You know, I don't, and I also, the more I was thinking about it, I don't know if I think the Democratic Party expects to win, really.
	You know, when you think about it, they put up an older guy.
	You know, they just, there hasn't been a ton of campaigning by him, by Biden.
	I just don't know if they expect to win.
	I almost feel like they don't expect to win.
	But also, what do I know?
	What do I know?
	You know, not too much, really.
	I'm one guy who just, you know, who has one vote and that'll be that.
	And I'm glad that I don't get to make the choices.
	I'm glad that I only have one vote.
	Because that means that it's not all on me.
	Isn't that nice?
	There's one nice thing about the way it's set up here, the system.
	You get one coin in the well.
	And if you're lucky, they count it.
	That's the wildest thing.
	A lot of countries, they go throw the coin every year, and no, but they don't even count that bitch.
	There's somebody in the bottom just catching coins and buying themselves a new Sega.
	You know, new Atari 6000 or whatever it is, PlayStation.
	So hopefully our votes count.
	That's what I do.
	You know, that's one thing that I like to romanticize sometimes is that our votes do count.
	But I'm coming out to you out here from the Central East, and a lot of calls came in, a lot of beautiful people, and just wanted to make sure that we got an episode in to stay on track and just to let you know that, you know, that this podcast will be here for you every week.
	Or that we're going to try and do our best to be here for you every week, the same way that you've been here for me every week.
	And the last thing, you know, I'll say really on the politics side is that I think we're quickly headed towards multiple parties.
	You know, we're too diverse these days in our theories, in our thoughts and in our cares and our passions and our passions to not have more choices.
	You know, imagine if you just still had two flavors of ice cream.
	It's just time for more parties.
	And I think we're headed there.
	I think by the time the next election comes around, hopefully there will be, you know, stronger options out of different channels.
	because I do believe that people are getting more fired up about politics overall, and that's exciting.
	You know, it's kind of crazy when you go in there to choose on election time, you go in there and dude, you look at the first two, the president, and then after that, sometimes they'll have a senator or something.
	Then after that, dude, there's like 30 things, and you're just like, most people are like, I don't know.
	I just start filling in whoever has a nickname.
	Oh, Spicy Williams?
	Oh.
	Check on that, Mitch.
	You feel me?
	Oh, Rocky Crab, check on that bastard.
	Oh, Buzz, there's always some guy named Buzz, you know?
	Oh, there he is right there.
	Harry Buzz Watson.
	Oh, we got to have Buzz in there.
	You can't have a Spicy and not have a Buzz.
	So.
	Oh, Knuckles.
	All right.
	We'll do a Knuckles, bro.
	We'll do a Knuckles.
	That's how I start voting just by nickname.
	If you have a nickname, you get my vote.
	That's how I usually am after a president.
	So, you know, I don't know, man.
	Either way, I got to go to work.
	What else?
	Let's get into some of the episode and some of the calls.
	As always, the hotline 985-664-9503.
	And we asked who listens to the episodes last time.
	And so let me throw some of the retorts we had occur right here.
	Here we go.
	Hey, Theo, this is Andrew from Atlanta, Georgia.
	What's up, Andrew?
	Over there from Atlanta, baby.
	In Atlanta, man, Atlanta is about the most urban city you can get.
	I mean, it is blacktastic, baby.
	I mean, it is, you know, it's like Black History Month, you know, started a city.
	So if you like to, you know, you love hip-hop, all of that, the Falcons, they got everything over there in Atlanta.
	Onward?
	Let me just start off by saying I love the podcast, man.
	Me and my dad listen to it every day, pretty much, or every time there's a new episode, at least.
	I'm a senior in high school, man.
	Oh, you could finish that, man.
	High school is easy, man.
	I'm going to be honest with you.
	Looking back, there's some kids that didn't finish high school.
	Fuck them, bro.
	You know what I'm saying?
	It's high school, dog.
	It's high school.
	If you even know 1492, you get half the answers right.
	If you read the Scarlet Letter, you get four out of five answers right.
	So, I mean, that's an 80 right there.
	That's a C. Onward.
	Out here in Atlanta, you wanted to know who's calling into your show.
	I work at Dunkin' Donnett's, bro.
	And I've been working there for two fucking years now, man.
	Oh, damn, you've been a long time slinging them sweetbreads, baby.
	You've been a long time stacking them sugar doughs, huh?
	And you don't sound thick, man.
	A lot of times, if somebody's been working around sugar, their saliva gets thick.
	You know, when their dick gets slow and their body gets slow.
	But you sound healthy, man.
	You sound pretty lean to be over there in that donut domicile gang, brother Homer.
	So it's a lot, man.
	But I know all about them donuts, all about that coffee, you know, that bean juice we got out there, brother.
	Oh, yeah, I feel you, man.
	And I'm glad to know that somebody out there in the Dunkin' Donner world is hitting the podcast.
	I'm glad to know, man, because I've had a couple Bavarian creams, baby.
	And I'm not talking about Donners, baby.
	I'm talking about a couple big girls in my life.
	You feel me?
	You know?
	Kind of girl you kiss her and you end up with a little bit of custard in your mouth.
	You know what I'm saying?
	And amen, PG, baby.
	Praise God.
	But thank you for listening, man.
	And God bless you and God bless your daddy over there, too.
	Y'all eating Donna's together.
	You know, a little family eclair.
	It's a family eclair.
	It's a family eclair.
	All right, let's see who else listens.
	Onward.
	Hey, Theo, this is Emily from Jacksonville, Florida.
	What's up, Emily?
	Duval.
	And Jacksonville is a good place to get electrocuted by a down stoplight.
	You know, I've been in Jacksonville a couple times and you'll see a couple down stoplight.
	Somebody goes up, you know, some homeless dude goes over there to pick it up and see if there's, you know, any drugs under it.
	And he gets zapped out.
	So praise God, baby.
	Onward.
	I'm a paralegal by day and a chilies worker by night.
	Oh, damn.
	I got to hear that again.
	And a chili Florida.
	I'm a paralegal by day and a chilies worker by night.
	Oh, man.
	I like that.
	You know, one thing I heard about chilies is that they don't really have a grill in the back, that they draw on all the grill stuff onto the food and they just put it in a microwave.
	But that doesn't mean that you're not, you know, a great person.
	And what is a paralegal?
	What is that, a narc?
	Dude, I remember at school, they have a narc sometimes.
	And a narc is some little dude who's really kind of like a little bitch.
	He's the kind of dude he's afraid to smoke dope, so he's going to rap people out.
	And the cops, every year, they invite over his family and they give him a little merit badge or some, you know, some little something fake.
	A little lasso or something.
	Say wannabe on it, you know, PD wannabe.
	And he gots a little lasso.
	You know, and a little plastic badge or something.
	He breaks that bitch out or something.
	Come on, man.
	Come on.
	So, yeah, I don't know if that's a narc or not, but paralegal sounds sounds like that.
	Onward?
	Get that hitter.
	I listen to your podcast all day while I'm at work at the law office.
	Sometimes I have to catch myself from laughing, catch myself from crying sometimes.
	But I'm listening to your episode on Monday morning from this past week.
	And hearing you listen to the rain is probably the best thing that I could have listened to all week.
	Just, oh, is that rain outside?
	It's the little things in life.
	And I had kind of a rough week this week, starting a new week.
	And I have to say that put me in a happy place.
	And I'm ready to get going.
	I appreciate it, man.
	Well, thank you, sweetheart.
	That's kind of you to share that moment.
	Yeah, you know, it is those little things that really kind of remind you of, you know, like somebody listening to the rain or if you see a little baby's feet.
	If you see a little baby's feet, man, they're beautiful.
	And in Vietnam, bro, I'm not lying.
	They'll eat a damn baby's foot.
	And you didn't hear it from me, but you know it's possible.
	But yeah, there's just some things that just kind of make you feel good.
	And yeah, I was excited, man.
	It's just been so long.
	It's just been so long since you get that weather on even a semi-regular basis.
	Just to see some leaves blow by.
	You know, you see a little kid out there, some little fat kid with a kite.
	And he's like, daddy, it might pick me up.
	It might blow me away.
	And I look over at the daddy.
	Me and daddy both know little thick, you know, little thickolous.
	Lil' thick Nick ain't getting lifted up by a kite, baby boy.
	But it's just nice to see that moment, you know.
	Yeah, life has these little moments, man, that remind us that it all makes perfect sense, you know.
	That we're at the bank and that it all makes perfect sense.
	You can close the cash drawer, baby.
	Thank you for calling, though, and thank you for listening, man.
	Baby girl, I mean, not man, but thank you for listening.
	And whether you a narc or whether you slang in them Chinese, you know, the whatever it is called, Alaskan egg rolls or whatever y'all have at Chili's.
	Makes girlfriend love them.
	And her and her family would drive 100 miles to go to a damn Chili's.
	You know, and one time they, you know, they'll be crying and stuff because it's closed.
	Look, get it together.
	Let's take another call.
	Here we go.
	And as always, the hotline 985-664-9503.
	Hey, Theo, this is Crossfire Joni.
	I'm in Southern California.
	And I just want to tell you, I just love your show.
	You're doing a great job.
	Thank you so much.
	I have a question for you.
	I'm just getting over cancer, and my hair is gone.
	Thank you for calling in, Crossfire Joni.
	And I'm sorry that you have cancer.
	You know, I haven't had it, but I'm sure I'll probably have it.
	And cancer, you know, cancer is that ninth reindeer or whatever.
	You know, and that bitch is a gangster.
	Let's hear more.
	I'm starting to grow back, but it's still gone.
	And I'm wondering, what do you think?
	Do you think I should wear a hat or do you think I should just go all natural?
	Okay, let me back it up again.
	It's starting to grow back, but I'm just getting over cancer, and my hair is gone.
	I'm starting to grow back, but it's still gone.
	Yeah, hair don't like cancer.
	If you have cancer, your hair will leave.
	You know, and that's age-old.
	That's a, you know, that's the cat chasing his tail right there.
	Let's hear more.
	And I'm wondering, what do you think?
	Do you think I should wear a hat or do you think I should just go all natural?
	You think, someone to get your opinion on that?
	All natural or a hat or a scarf or something like that.
	Oh, baby girl, you got to get your little hat.
	Get your little crown.
	Get your little crown, baby.
	Wake up with the king, mama.
	Get that BK.
	Get that BK headpiece.
	Get your whopper and get that free hat.
	You know what I'm saying?
	You could do something beautiful on your head.
	I think enjoy it.
	Embrace that beautiful little bald top.
	You know, and you can even flirt with the guy and say, hey, the curtains match the drapes, you know?
	And they'd be like, you don't have any hair.
	And you'd be like, gang, gang.
	So I think there's some real opportunity there.
	But y'all say get you a beautiful little hat.
	Get you a little, you know, get you that freaking little scalp cardigan or something.
	Get you one of them little Jewish hats, that little, you know, that little hair wallet that they wear.
	Get you six or seven of them.
	Stack them bitches up.
	Lily pad your whole damn head up.
	But I think, yeah, be magical.
	You know, get a damn edible hat.
	You talking to somebody, it's going, well, you break them off a day, you know, 30 calories of your cap.
	Man, that's something, that's beautiful.
	But I think those are some things you could do.
	But I think you embrace it.
	And it sounds like you already are.
	I think it's, you know, I think it's sweet that you even asked me.
	I think it's brave, you know.
	I think it's brave of you.
	And you could also grow that skullet.
	You could grow that skullet.
	And that's when you're going out of business in the front, but you still partying in the back.
	Get that hang time off the back, that gang plank.
	What else?
	Could you do some cute borettes, maybe?
	Get you a couple borettes, little canaries or something.
	You could do some ear piercings that could be fun.
	But you know, it puts it in perspective because I'm always worried about my hair and I'm worried about how I look and I'm worried about this and that.
	And here you are, you know, you can't even bring hair to the show right now.
	But you're still showing up.
	And that's cool, you know.
	You could do the key mullet where you got that chemo but a little bit of mullet off the back.
	But I say be just as brave as you have been in defeating cancer.
	I say you be just as brave in sprouting something beautiful up top.
	And have fun with it because you just, even you calling and asking this is inspiring because you're just making me, you're making everybody that's listening right now realize, man, what am I worried about?
	You know, what am I worried about?
	I'm worried about how I look if my, if my, you know, if my leggings match my neck brace or whatever, if you were in an accident or something after a, you know, a cardio class or whatever.
	And the truth is that, you know, we got little ladies out here beating cancer and, you know, just saying, hey, do I go hat or no hat?
	Yeah, here's what I say.
	Put a damn nipple on the top of your head and break out that third titty.
	Tell them it's that third titty, baby.
	But I think you're beautiful for calling and just thank you for brightening my day by sharing your experience.
	You know, because you share your experience and your strength and your hope right there.
	All in one.
	And that's pretty remarkable, I feel.
	Information today that today's episode is brought to you by Ship Station.
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	Mm-hmm.
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	First, I'm going to let you know this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.
	You know, I recently started seeing a new therapist, and I'm glad that I did.
	And I went two times last week, and I'm going to have to do Zoom this week because I'm not in Los Angeles.
	But everybody needs some help, I think.
	We all need someone to talk to, especially as times get more and more disconnected as humans do.
	You know, and actually really disconnected of sharing our feelings.
	You know, there's a broad range of expertise in BetterHelp's counselor network, which may not be locally available in many areas.
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	You know, you may need a counselor that can really be specific and they may not have in your area.
	They might just have a veterinarian.
	And you go to there and you tell a dude all your problems and he fucking, you know, he neuters you.
	You're like, this ain't going to help.
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	BetterHelp wants you to start living a happier life today.
	Visit betterhelp.com slash Theo.
	That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P and join the over 500,000 people taking charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional.
	And we have a special offer for this past weekend listeners.
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	That's betterhelp.com slash T-H-E-O.
	Let's take another call in here.
	As always, the hotline 985-664-9503.
	Hey, Theo, this is Garrett Callaway.
	I live in a small town in Oklahoma called Salsaw.
	Hey, Garrett.
	Thank you for calling, my friend, and happy election time to you.
	And thank you for calling.
	I work with mentally disabled adults with what I do.
	So it can be a pretty wild day at work.
	But I just wanted to tell you and ask you how you would respond in this situation.
	Okay, passing morning meds.
	You know, not always do they take them, but you know, the meds, you know.
	Okay, so you're giving out morning medication there.
	And you, that slanger.
	Homework.
	You got the oxies, you got the Xanax, you got all that.
	I'm a recovering addict, so it's hard when you got a refrigerator, you know, a refrigerator fire.
	Oh, yeah, when you get messed up enough on pills, you start saying the ox of a bet.
	That's what we used to call it.
	If somebody was too high on pills and they start saying Yeah,
	that's that alphabet, man.
	That's the oxphabet.
	If people's on too much oxycontinence, bro, and they're trying to do letters.
	Onward, brother.
	Pharmacy is sitting right next to your office.
	Makes it tough.
	Anyways, they don't always want to take their meds.
	Well, they can go 90 to nothing real quick.
	Amen, man.
	You got to hit them with that Mary Poppins.
	You know, you got to hit them with that spoonful of sugar, dog.
	Gang.
	He went to his room, and I don't know if he was stashing this thing or if he just done it right there and then brought it back, but he brought a full turd.
	And he threw that motherfucker, and it hit right next to me.
	Woo!
	sniff
	Yeah, man.
	Well, look, we used to have this fella growing up named Kyle with two Ys.
	And he, uh, and his parents would even get a little bit, it was Kyle.
	You had to kind of ride that second syllable for a second.
	But he, uh, but Kyle would, he could, you know, turd in his hand or do a turd or whatever they call it.
	And I think it was his.
	I never saw him actually do it, but he always had one near him or on him or whatever.
	He'd throw it up in the air, bro, high as the sun.
	I mean, this thing, you know, this thing knew NASA.
	And he could come down and have it land right on his arm like a hawk.
	Just right on his arm like a damn hawk, man.
	Like that booty hulk.
	So, you know, there are a lot of people.
	There's a lot of people doing everything out there.
	Juggling everything.
	And yeah, they say if you get hit by somebody, throw, you know, somebody, you know, humaturd at you, you get hit by it.
	It's seven more weeks of winter.
	I think is the old saying.
	But anyway, man, let's hear more.
	Hey, this thing was hard.
	Like it didn't even hit and crumble.
	It didn't hit and splatter.
	Okay.
	Thank God it didn't splatter, but it hit and just fell straight down.
	All right, well, y'all got to hydrate them boys over there.
	In the words of Dustin Poirier, y'all got to stay hydrated down there.
	You know, you can't be having dehydrated people also on OxyContins.
	You know, just all strung out like a damn cactus, man.
	So, look, keep them hydrated, buddy.
	And maybe that's, you know, this dude's just trying to let you know he needs more.
	He's trying to show you by example, hey, look, daddy, I'm obviously missing some moisture.
	So you might be able to help him out right there.
	But thank you for the call, man.
	And stay safe, man, and wear a visor.
	And that's the number one preventer of getting faced out by a booty piece, man.
	Is that visor, baby?
	But yeah, Kyle catched that thing right on his arm.
	Man, I remember he tried to get a job at the Renaissance fair.
	He went over there one time by the fairgrounds and hummed up a little, you know, just a real, just a, I mean, just hummed this little booty, just a little damn booty rascal high up into the air and caught that thing right on his arm.
	God, it was beautiful.
	Just laying just with it, you know, no bounce, just like damn Dominic Mociani.
	Pop.
	So let's see who else listens to the pod, man.
	Here we go.
	What's up, Theo?
	This is David from Georgia.
	What's up, David?
	How you doing, brother?
	Thank you for calling.
	You want to know who your fans were, so here you go, boy.
	On the trash service, making them think you back rope dollars.
	Okay, you picking up garbage, baby.
	Trash.
	And you know what they say?
	One man's trash is another man's trash nowadays, man.
	Onward.
	Always listen, riding the truck, riding on the back of the truck, driving the truck, doing paperwork, dumping this trash, dumping that trash.
	You know, garbage stuff.
	Big fan of the show, man.
	Keep up the good work.
	And loyal P.S. to my customers out there to all y'all throwing away them beer cans and blunt wraps.
	Stick it safe on me.
	Dang, there you go.
	He said you got to think of your local garbage man.
	If you're going to put a beer or blunt wrap out there, that's fine with him.
	You know, nobody ever thinks about that.
	Leave something nice for your garbage man.
	Leave him a little six pack.
	You don't think he needs a damn beer?
	Leave him a little something, a little Benignari's out there or something.
	You know, a little haggandaz, baby.
	A little friendly as ice cream.
	Leave him a little pint of something special.
	A little bit of grilled rocky road there.
	You know, we forget about that.
	These boys are good people out there.
	And they want, you know, we can leave them a little something, a little treat, especially around the holidays.
	Think about that.
	Leave your trash man something nice.
	That's a good idea.
	I'm going To try it this week, I'm going to try to leave something nice out there for the garbage man.
	He comes on Thursday, so I'm going to try to leave him something nice.
	What else we got here, man?
	Thank you for listening, man.
	I do appreciate that.
	And thank you for picking up the trash.
	You know, we want to get a garbage man in here.
	So we want to get somebody in here who does garbage or who's done garbage, you know, past tense.
	Who else?
	Here we go.
	What's up, Theo?
	This is David out in Aubrey, Texas.
	What's up, David, out there in Texas, man?
	And my friend just moved to Texas, man.
	No, he didn't, actually.
	My bad.
	Onward.
	Just catching up on your podcast, and you're wanting to know who all is listening.
	So building superintendent out here, residential construction.
	So driving around a lot.
	Have a lot of time in my truck.
	So get to listen to your podcast.
	So you loitering.
	That's called loitering, David.
	I'm going to tell you that straight up, man.
	And that's fun.
	You know, I appreciate loiterers, man.
	I love the French.
	I love anybody that, you know, staying active and driving around and just looking at stuff.
	That's called lurking as well, baby.
	Let's hear more.
	Just want to let you know, I've listened to every single episode of yours.
	Damn.
	Man, that's wild.
	No matter what.
	Listen through it all the way from the first second to the last second.
	And, man, you do awesome work, so appreciate it.
	But, man, yeah, I love everything you're doing.
	Thanks for just keeping us in tune with ourselves.
	Love you, bro.
	Gang, gang.
	Gang, man.
	Thanks, man.
	Wow.
	That's wild, man.
	That's crazy, man.
	Thank you so much, man.
	Thanks for checking it out.
	You know, I definitely had some moments this weekend where I was like, man, I just can't believe it I get to have this job.
	You know, and just get to share what's going on with me.
	And I try to share what's going on with you too, you know, with the hotline.
	And you guys do a great job of that.
	Excuse us, thank you.
	Thank you guys for letting me be a part of this group.
	You know, I mean that.
	There's so many times where, you know, I feel like I don't have nothing.
	And then I'm immediately brought to the reality of the fact that, man, you got a lot of people that care.
	And you guys remind me of that constantly, man.
	So thank you.
	Thank you very much.
	And stay safe out there, David.
	Well, basically a peep in time, it sounds like, man, you're driving through neighborhoods, daddy.
	Dude, I would love it if a peep in time got busted and he was listening to this past weekend.
	That'd be pretty cool.
	I mean, that would be next level.
	All right, let's hear something else here.
	One more call that came in of who listens to the podcast.
	What's up, you little dust bears?
	This is Colin from Cincinnati.
	Gang, gang.
	Gang, baby.
	Thank you for calling in, Colin.
	In Cincinnati, a friend of mine got beat up by a couple of urban women one time, and he was trying to hold on to some milkshakes, and they kept beating him, and he kept spilling a little bit each time they beat him down.
	My friend Gary, onward.
	I'm a January, the middle school man.
	I tell you what, I'll be walking around here cleaning up these little snotty-ass rags and all these little candy wrappers and whatnot.
	Oh, yeah, man.
	Little detention thoughts.
	All them little children.
	You know, you out there goodwill hunting, man.
	And I'm glad you're not a pedophile, bro.
	And I'm glad that, you know, that you're just doing the work out there and getting it done.
	Yeah, man, these little kids.
	I saw some kid this weekend.
	He said, oh, he said, he goes, if you die, can I have all your YouTube subscribers?
	I said, damn, bro.
	They savages, man.
	They're savages without the tribe, a lot of these children, man.
	But I'm blessed that you listen, man.
	Thank you for checking it out.
	What else we got?
	I'm sorry to just be going through calls this week, but it's just kind of where I've been.
	And I just wanted to make sure that I kept, I was going to wait till later in the week to do an episode, but I said, you know, I just got to show up.
	I got to be there and get this episode out for this week and in the beginning of the week.
	And there's a lot of people who are going to be watching the election.
	And, you know, it's, yeah, I mean, it's, look, I know some people, it's a really serious thing, and I respect that.
	You know, it's just tough.
	Right now, I'm personally at a space where I just don't, I don't like the way they have us all fighting against each other.
	You know, when you look at the different news sites and it's the only thing.
	And of course, the polls, they say it's close because that's how they keep us coming back.
	You know, and I think just in a bigger space, I'm just worried about how addicted we are to the information and to the, you know, to that next thing, to that next hit.
	And they've just had us fighting a lot.
	You know, I talk about it sometimes.
	They've just had us fighting.
	And I don't want to not like people because of their political views.
	You know, I don't want that.
	I don't want to not like people because of what they think politically.
	I might not agree with them, but for years in my life, I haven't agreed with people with their beliefs.
	It used to not even be that big of a deal.
	In Los Angeles, it's a bigger deal.
	Out here in the Central East, it's not as big.
	Most people are just kind of living their lives.
	They're going to vote.
	Somebody will win.
	Blah, blah, blah.
	But it's definitely become a more marketable thing over this past four Years, I think.
	And also, this is just my perception.
	I could be totally wrong.
	But I don't want to not love or care about people because our views might be different.
	You know, if they say something, I don't have to chime in with my side.
	It's hard to do, though.
	That shit is hard to do.
	All right, let's take another call right here.
	Hey, what up, daddy?
	This is Reddick from Lou Golf, South Carolina.
	What's up, Reddick?
	And you name after J.J. Reddick, one of my favorite players, and he plays for the New Orleans Hornets.
	And he's that three-point shooter, Daddy.
	He's that Chris Kyle, baby.
	He's gunning from deep.
	Man, they should have a ladder right next to him because that dude is shooting from the deep end.
	You feel me?
	Gang.
	So I got a situation.
	There's this girl I love.
	I've been dating her for six years, and I'm thinking about asking her to marry me, dude.
	Wow, man.
	You think about getting that marriage going, huh?
	Oh, okay, man.
	Okay, you that crazy cat.
	But I'm scared to ask her dad for her hand.
	And I'm just wondering what I should do.
	Should I take him out to dinner to ask?
	Should I ask him to step off to the side?
	Be like, hey, can I marry your daughter?
	Any suggestions, dude?
	Yeah, I appreciate it.
	Man, that's a tough one.
	I would not take him to dinner.
	Because you get there, what if y'all having a little side salad?
	You ask him, he says no.
	And then you got to finish a whole fish dish in front of the dude.
	You're trying to down some group or knowing that dude hates you.
	That's going to be a slow swallow, brother.
	And then what if he orders dessert?
	That dude already hates you and now he's ordering dessert?
	You're like, damn.
	I mean, you could freaking you could torch the top of that creme brulee with your stare, I bet, at that point.
	Yeah, I would just take him aside, man, or I'd go meet him one-on-one.
	I wouldn't do a phone call.
	I wouldn't text him either.
	That's shady, bro.
	I would take him off side to side, you know, just meet him somewhere for a few minutes.
	And don't meet him somewhere kind of nice if you can.
	You know, or somewhere where you can both get away quick, a rest area or, you know, like maybe a Pete's coffee house or Don.
	I don't know if you've ever been to Donnie's Coffee.
	I don't know if it's a chain or not.
	Donnie's Coffee, they got like this big mule kind of thing outside.
	But anyway.
	But dang, man, that's cool, bro.
	You going the old-fashioned route.
	Asking the dad, gonna get the blessing.
	It's a beautiful time of year.
	The holidays are coming up.
	You know, one thing that's beautiful to see is people thinking about, you know, the news just saying, oh, the election, people are thinking about other stuff.
	People are living their lives.
	That's what we got to keep doing.
	That's what they don't want.
	They don't want us to keep having our own free will.
	I believe that, baby.
	All right, let's get into another voicemail here.
	Here we go.
	What's up, man?
	I'm watching an episode last week, and you're wondering who's out there listening.
	So, you know, I'm a business owner and a good father, but I also live in my sister's basement on an air mattress, and I'm an ex-convict.
	Amen, bro.
	Always wanted to be an ex-con, bro.
	Honestly.
	Thank you for calling.
	Onward.
	I'm looking around this playroom that I live in and thinking about the days when I was an ex-convict and wishing, you know, maybe that I would have snuck in an iPod and been able to listen to this past weekend.
	It would have made my time quicker.
	Because, you know, now that I'm down here and staring at all my snacks in my mini fridge and my bachelor pad here, you know, I just want to say I'm grateful for a little bit of entertainment from you on a Sunday morning while I think about while
	I think about not being with my daughter and my family anymore.
	But if I get off the phone, I can keep listening to the episode and shake out some of this bad energy.
	So thanks, man.
	I appreciate what you do.
	Gang, bruh.
	Gang, gang.
	Thanks for calling, man.
	Yeah, and I wouldn't call that bad energy, man.
	I appreciate you sharing kind of what's going on.
	You know, I think a lot of us, when you share that, we can relate to being somewhere and missing someone that we love or not being able to be a part of a system of love that we're not, you know, directly connected with anymore at the moment.
	But it sounds like a couple of things to me, Sam, you know, and I know you're not asking for any of my suggestions or anything, man.
	So yeah, I guess I won't really share anything like that.
	But, you know, just thanks for sharing, man.
	And I believe that God has, you know, powerful things in store for you and Powerful feelings and powerful connections with your own family.
	And who knows?
	Who knows with how many others, you know?
	But I think we can all relate to that feeling that there's somebody out there right now and they, you know, you wish you could be with them.
	if times were different or if circumstances were different or if things hadn't played out the way that they could, that they did.
	And I don't think it sounds weak you saying that.
	I just think it sounds like it sounds like you're grateful for where you're at.
	And it really sounds like you're really grateful for those people that you're, you know, your daughter or whatever that you're not allowed to be or that you're not able to be around right now.
	And I don't know aloud.
	I shouldn't have said that, but that you're not able to be around.
	Because I'll tell you this, you wouldn't have any feelings about it if you didn't care.
	You know, and I think God can feel us caring, you know.
	So just keep keeping on, man.
	You know, you can do it, bruh.
	I really believe that you can do it.
	And it sounds like you are.
	And I think that the gifts, man, I can just tell when I hear your voice that the gifts are just, you know, it's all going to be there.
	It's just probably going to take a little while.
	And I know I don't know that.
	I'm just saying that.
	But yeah, just thank you for sharing, man, because I think that just puts everything into perspective for a lot of us.
	Yeah, we're all going to vote for some rich, you know, egomaniac in the next 24 hours, but the real votes are what do we do with our time?
	What do we do with our love?
	What do we do with our emotions?
	Do I vote to invest those into people that I care about?
	Do I vote to do something nice for somebody?
	Do I vote to call a hotline and just let the world know that I love my daughter?
	You know, when I think, man, I would love it if I had an audio recording of one of my parents from when I was young just letting, just a voicemail recording of them just saying, you know, just letting it be known that they love me.
	You know?
	So anyway, man, I'm not trying to harp on your call, but I just wanted to say thanks for sharing that, bro.
	And ex-convict is fucking pretty gangster, dog.
	You know, that's pretty freaking G. And if Trump wins, dude, you'll be able to work forever, dog, you know?
	If anybody wins, all these people are ex-convicts, man.
	It's a dirty world out there, man.
	It's a dirty world, man.
	And we got each other.
	We got it all, man.
	We got life, bro.
	And we got each other, man.
	And I'm thankful for that.
	So, what else, man?
	And, um...
	I don't know, man.
	What do you...
	I prefer the outdoors.
	Yeah, why is that?
	I don't know.
	There's just something special about living outdoors.
	I was in scouts, obviously, and I've always loved camping.
	And when you...
	You go right back indoors, kind of.
	Kind of, yes.
	However, sometimes whenever I camp, I sometimes don't even bring a tent.
	Sleep under the stars.
	Oh, okay.
	Dang.
	Yeah.
	What's been up, man?
	How was the Halloween weekend?
	Oh, man.
	It was fantastic, I gotta say.
	Oh, wow.
	Did you dress up?
	What happened?
	No, I didn't dress up.
	I just hung out with a few friends at their apartment.
	just hung out at night damn bro that sounds kind of um what would I You hung out at night.
	Who was his group?
	Was it just...
	Oh, dang.
	So was it a quatuplet or whatever?
	Four of you?
	Yeah.
	Okay, nice, man.
	And what did you guys get into?
	Anything fun?
	We did a few drinking games.
	Everyone tried to get me drunk, and it was great.
	And what's your preferred drink of choice?
	Man, there's something called a Schoferhofer, which is a German drink.
	They have all these different flavors.
	My favorite is the grapefruit, because my buddy back at home, Andrew, he's German, and he actually gave me that as my first drink to have.
	And that's my favorite all-time drink.
	Damn, favorite all-time, baby.
	Nice, man.
	What else has been going on?
	else?
	I mean, I had my...
	Really?
	Mm-hmm.
	Like, what do you mean?
	Like a...
	Sure.
	Okay.
	Well, you said you'd had a drink before, so I'm guessing it's not your first drink.
	Nope.
	Let me think.
	Your first doing fireworks or something?
	Nope.
	I've always done fireworks on 4th of July.
	Amen, bro.
	Your first.
	And you don't do drugs, right?
	I don't.
	Huh.
	What happened?
	Let's just say I had a first interaction with a lady.
	What, bro?
	You mean like what do you mean like first like are we talking sex, I guess?
	Are we talking okay?
	No, no, no.
	Okay, sorry, and maybe I was jumping to the conclusions there, and that was I'm obviously a tramp, but um no, you're good.
	Uh, what, so first kiss, maybe?
	Yep, bingo.
	No way!
	Yeah, it was, it was great.
	It was a good time.
	No way, and so what happened?
	Take me through some of that.
	You got this, so this is what the your buddy's girlfriend's friend?
	Buddy's girlfriend's friend.
	Yes.
	Yeah, so she is from the west side of Tennessee, and she came by.
	And so we were just hanging out, and it was great.
	And when you saw her at first, did you know there was any interest or no?
	No, I didn't think of anything at all.
	That was the weird part.
	And so, I mean, actually, that was the normal part for me.
	Of course.
	And I was like, okay, you know, you know, she's friends, you know, whatever.
	So we were hanging out, having a good time.
	And there were some times where, like, so let me skip forward a little.
	My buddy Joe, he texted me because we were all sitting next to each other.
	So he texted me.
	He was like, hey, dude, look at the signs.
	And he was like, yeah, dude, that's all I'm going to say.
	And I was like, hmm.
	So I've been thinking past, like, that was later that night.
	So I was thinking all the other hours in the night.
	And I was like, hmm, that totally makes sense.
	So I was like, okay.
	Oh, it all came and it all made sense at that point.
	Right.
	At that juncture.
	Right.
	Called a juncture.
	And yeah, so we ended up watching Nightmare Before Christmas.
	And I was kind of drunk.
	I was like, not feeling great.
	And so she was like, yeah, do you want to sit on the couch?
	And I was like, yeah, that would probably be great.
	So she took my hand.
	So she took the lead, it sounds like.
	She did.
	But the thing is, when she took my hand, she didn't take it, you know, like, you know, just holding on to me or whatever, grabbing my arm or whatever.
	No, she literally did the full-on, like, closed-hand.
	You probably can't see it because of the monitor.
	Yeah, I can't see it.
	It's that guy.
	Oh, the full closed hand thing, interlocking fingers.
	And I was like, hmm, okay.
	I can roll with this.
	So then you guys were sitting on the couch?
	So, yeah, we were sitting on the couch, and it was all four of us.
	We were watching Nightmare Before Christmas.
	And were you nervous?
	Well, at that point, I was like, okay, you know, this is fine.
	I didn't think anything about First Kiss or anything like that.
	So I was like, okay, you know, I was totally fine.
	Like, you know, she was comforting me.
	It was great.
	She was cuddling with me slowly, more and more.
	And I was like, hmm, okay, I'm liking this.
	Dang, boy.
	And so then.
	So then, my friend, Joe, and his girlfriend, they went down to pick up some cookout from one of my friends that brought it for us.
	Now, that's always the moment, bro, when the other couple leaves the room, suddenly the heat is on.
	Right.
	He took his girl with him.
	Yeah, he took his girl with him, and I knew what he was getting at.
	Of course, man.
	That's bro code shit, bro.
	So then after they left, we were talking a little bit.
	And then, yeah, we just...
	Did.
	Yeah, a lot of firsts for me, I gotta say.
	Because that's also a first of her making the first move.
	Wow.
	And so how long did it last?
	Quite some time, I gotta say.
	The Jess Lockwood ellipse over here.
	Dang, bro.
	And so was there any, like, was it, did you guys just kiss for a while and then separate?
	Was there like a snuggle at night or what was the deal?
	It was a snuggle.
	It was a nice snuggle, I gotta say.
	Were you pretty drunk?
	At that time, no, I wasn't.
	And did you get?
	No.
	Okay.
	No.
	So I know for a fact it was definitely real.
	It was definitely something, not just drunkenness.
	So did you get her number or what's the deal, man?
	I have her number.
	I have her Instagram, Snapchat, all of that.
	You have mail.
	And yeah, it was a lot of fun.
	So she's back at home, but I've been texting her back and forth.
	Wow.
	You think there's something up, maybe?
	Possibly.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, we were talking about it.
	Maybe, but she's coming back.
	I think she is.
	Oh, yeah.
	She comes back to Nashville about once a month, I found out.
	It's suddenly how suddenly they come back once a month, you know?
	It's just the old.
	It's the way it is, man.
	Exactly.
	Wow.
	Riley Mao, you're growing up, brother.
	First kiss ever, huh?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I was pretty excited.
	It was a great time.
	Dude, that's awesome, man.
	That's awesome, man.
	And was she a redhead?
	Maybe.
	How'd you know?
	I just found...
	Yeah.
	I just felt it, man.
	Oh, wow.
	Yeah.
	I just felt it.
	Yep, she is.
	Amen, man.
	Well, we'll see, man.
	It's probably downhill from here overall.
	I'm just saying.
	I mean, it's uphill, but it gets to be a rocky road, brother.
	True.
	You know, there's adultery.
	There's all kind of stuff.
	But you're just starting out, man, and that's what's important, dude.
	I'm happy for you, man.
	Thank you.
	Yep, and I appreciate you sitting in here and being a part of the episode.
	Yeah, that's it, man.
	Love wins, you know, Riley?
	Yeah, for sure.
	Definitely.
	You know, people are going through everything, you know.
	People are, you know, getting beaten cancer.
	People are, you know, overcoming their past.
	People are getting their first kiss.
	People are starting a new workout routine.
	People are learning to relove people that they had loved before.
	You know, people are learning to let go.
	People are, you know, being brave and asking, you know, asking some girl's dad for the hand in marriage.
	And people are sweeping up after kiddos.
	people are living life, man.
	That's what's important.
	You know, get out there and live life.
	Did it make you feel more alive?
	Yeah, it did.
	For sure.
	Yeah.
	I love that, man.
	We'll go out the way that we came in, man, with each other for one.
	And then with the Cordovas.
	And do more good.
	I want to let you know that whoever you support politically, that's perfectly.
	That's great.
	And I would never try to sway anybody in any direction.
	Your reality is your reality.
	And we just do our best, man.
	We do our best.
	y'all be good to yourselves gang We're the young and the old, the sick and the cold.
	The ones that just long get out of control.
	The ones that'll call and the ones that'll fold.
	And everyone's getting round the table.
	The peak and the mild, the weak and the wild.
	The ones who won't speak this week to a child.
	Those who have lived with their feet to the fire And for gay and very miserable jailers Hey, I love them all, ain't gonna quit And that goes double for you Gonna do more good, gonna talk less shit And that's about all I can do
	Now the free and the chain, the simple and plain The ones that just can't seem to hit where they hang The ones that get by on their family name Those who have no one to call on The freaks and the
	prideful, the peaks and the outfalls The ones that just wait till their dreams are all stifled Most too afraid to admit they've been lied to Martyrs with no soul to fall on Hey, I love them all, ain't gonna quit That goes double for you Gonna do more good, gonna do more good
	Do more good than the top less shit.
	That's about all I can do.
	Do more good than the top less shit.
	That's about all I can do.
	Look out, ladies.
	Riley Mao is on the prow.
	Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
	The answer may shock you.
	Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
	Sometimes I won't.
	And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
	You have three new voices out there.
	A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
	I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
	So great.
	All right, so we are easy to do.
	Anyone who doesn't listen to Kai Club is a dirty, bloody white guy.
	I'll take a quarter bottle with you to add a bit of quarter.
	I think Tom Hanks just butted out me.
	Anyway, first rule of Kai Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
	Second rule of Kai Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
	Third rule.
	Like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

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