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“Runs in the Family” - Matthew Koziol
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“Shine” - Bishop Gunn
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Run a cheese check on your daddy because, you know, my dad was real old when I was born.
And when I was young, he was even older.
And the older I got, the older he got.
And I was kind of chasing him, you know, age chasing.
And then he died.
But a lot of times we do pizza.
You know, I was on different sporting teams or my sister was on a little sporting team, you know, little lesbian group.
And then they would have a pizza party.
It used to, originally it was if you won.
If you won, your team got a pizza party.
And then that evolved to even if you got second.
And then it became hell if your team even, if you even had a team, you'd see some kids just all wearing the same jersey, never played anything eating pizza.
So it became really just anybody could do it.
But they used to say, run a cheese check on your daddy because my dad was so old, when he'd have pizza, you know, the cheese comes off that pie.
When you release that slice off that circle, you really get a lot of that, you know, those little kind of like a cheese web, kind of like a lot of little cheese, little string cheeses that go from the slice back to that motherland, that master pie circle.
And so a lot of times, you know, my dad, he didn't know what the hell was going on.
He didn't know, you know, who was, who was his kid or who was black or who was white or anything.
I mean, he didn't know if you were a car or a person.
I remember one time he put a half a gallon of gas into the back of my pants.
So you just, you know, daddy would have him a slice of that pizza and he'd have cheese just draped all over him.
And some of the kids would say, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, run a cheese check on your daddy.
And you'd have to just kind of, you know, check on his face like that.
You'd have to do that dang, dang, da, dang, dang.
And cheese check your daddy.
Make sure you don't have any just cheese just draping off his face.
You know, like somebody's trying to speedlonk off his face or something.
And so, you know, you just want to make sure, you know, that was kind of that deal.
But yeah, check, check, chicken check.
That's a popular term.
They say chicken check.
Because a chicken, you don't, a lot of people don't think about a chicken.
Think about a chicken.
Now what?
A chicken, seeing a chicken used to be like coming across a McDaniels, bro, when you're driving.
And you see the arches.
You say, oh, dang, that's a McDaniels right there.
That's the same in the old days.
If you came across a chicken in the 1600s, 1700s, that's like pulling up on a restaurant.
You know, you're riding with your family.
You guys are in the, you know, riding in a horse cart or whatever.
And you see a chicken, they say, dad, dad, stop there, dad.
Stop at that restaurant.
And the restaurant's just over there.
It's like, and y'all go over there and slice and dice.
And mom does her thing, and that's family dining.
That's 1600's family dining, man.
And the chicken dies, but hey, somebody's got to go, man.
And that's called that chicken check.
Happy autumn.
We running right here.
We're running up on the heels of winter.
If you listen, you can really feel, if you listen with your emotions, you can really feel us just kind of lapping up onto the onto the heels of winter.
Just nipping at the heels.
Just nipping at the heels of that icy bitch, Miss Winter.
And she's doing her thing.
But we coming at her, baby.
Let's get into the episode.
Let's get into the episode.
This is a little Matthew Kaziall with runs in the family.
It's out of my hands and in my blood.
Amen, baby.
It's red in a lecture, and I can't pay up.
It's by the way, you watched in the mud.
Can't take my thoughts without before.
Tell them, baby.
Catch me on Grindr, huh?
I wear the coat that I'm cut from.
There you go, Matty.
It's just a matter of time.
There ain't no stopping the setting sun.
Can't watch the sin from the hairs that made me.
Can't outrun with bronze in the valley.
*music*
Runs in the family Runs in the family you you you You can cut me down, but the roots run deep.
I ain't gonna die when they bury me.
Amen, Maddie.
You can cut me down, but the roots run deep.
I ain't gonna die when they bury me.
I wonder what I'll do when I die, you know?
If I lay there, if I'll probably try to sneak over and just tickle somebody else that's been laying there.
Piss somebody off, man.
Hey, hey.
Cut out all the bullshit.
I wonder what my neighbors will be like where I get buried.
That's why, you know, people want to get buried by their family, but you got to think about that.
You got to think about that.
You want to get buried, you know, I mean, it's nice to be by your mom for like an hour, but I don't know if you want to be buried right by her.
It's nice to be by your uncle, bro.
But if he, you know, if he gets into gambling or shit, it ain't fun.
You know, it's just, it's like, where do you, who do you want to be buried?
I almost wish that they had a, um, they had a funeral parlor that had a kind of a 10-disc changer.
Remember them CD changers, them 10-disc changers?
That they had one of those in the ground and everybody was on kind of a lazy Susan and you just got to kind of, you know, just do like a little bit of speed dating kind of while you're in the dirt.
Just something where you could cross paths with some difference.
Because yeah, for the first hour or two, it'd be cozy being with your folks, but man, about 10 p.m.
And after they shut down, they saw, you know, a couple episodes at Law and Order SVU and they're turning down the lights, you're going to want to howl a little.
You're going to want to get out.
You're going to want to throw one of your bones into the distance and let some dirty dog go get it.
You know, that's one thing about skeleton.
That's why I think if ghosts were made, you know, if they had real skeletons, dogs would attack them all the time.
So you got to think about that right there.
I mean, you know, you couldn't send a skeleton real far without a dog getting that bitch right by the neck or by the Cossacks or whatever.
Or the occipital or whatever.
I don't remember.
You know, I only got a B in eighth grade in science, but, you know, shout out to science, bro.
We had a, when I was young, we had a science teacher and he used to do deltoids at the gym.
And he would do deltoids all the time.
And he would also, at the same time, eat altoids.
And so his big thing, he would get you to come over by him and he'd be doing deltoids and he'd blow a little bit of mint smoke out of his mouth and be doing altoids.
He'd have nine altoids in his mouth.
And I'm not saying that, I mean, I don't know what the pH balance is of somebody's breath if they got nine altoids in them, but I mean, you like a damn Christmas chimney at that point.
You run in a lot of heat, I feel like.
And shout out to that man, Mr. Cave, man.
And he went to jail for, you know, dating underage ladies.
But before that, he was a good man.
I'll say that.
And I think he served his time, too.
So it's, you know, and he looked good in a tank top.
I'll say that shit.
You know, I'm an adult and he's an adult, but hell, he looked good in a damn tank top.
What's going on?
We just had the death man in.
We had Frank Giles in here.
And I tell you, you know, it's interesting when you meet a man that's that close to the dead.
And you're right there, you're with him.
You know, it's interesting when you meet a man who's carried that 15-inch baby and tucked him into a car seat next to him and driven him over there to the death grounds.
It's interesting to be that close to that man and just kind of just hear his feelings.
Hell, I asked him straight up.
I said, let me put my hand on your chest.
You know, let me feel the drum of death.
Because when he walks in the room, baby, that's it.
You were to-go order for the Lord, son.
It's time to box you up.
And so, yeah, I guess I start thinking about that around this time of year.
What's it going to be like when they roll it up one more time?
You know, I tried to fake my death when I was about 20. I'll be honest.
And my friend Paul called a couple people and said, hey, you know, Theo's dead.
And the crazy shit was none of them even told anybody.
So we planted a couple seeds and that shit didn't even grow, bro.
And then we forgot about it.
You know, we was doing weed.
We was doing cocaine, daddy, you know?
I mean, I was anyway.
I don't know if he was, but, you know, my favorite type of weed was cocaine.
You'd see me snorting a bowl of weed, you know?
Get that little, that Thanksgiving for your snout, Daddy.
I'm talking about cocaine.
Dude, I remember I had some good cocaine one time over there in Tucson, Arizona.
Hell, I put two grams in my cars out of gas, and that bitch ran for a half an hour.
The headlights wouldn't work, but hey, you can't have it all, daddy.
You can't have it all, and that's God, man.
What else is going on?
Did a show last night out here, out here in the Central East.
I want to thank everybody that came out.
It was a beautiful time, man.
You know, and just good to just Be in a room with people and laughing and feeling good, you know, and really just feeling good.
And, you know, we had a nice time.
A couple of young bucks around here got up and did some comedy to start the show off.
You know, I was on the show, and you know, they're only the crowds here at half capacity.
So they're, you know, only allowed about 160 people or something, 150 people in the showroom.
So it's kind of nice because it's almost like you get to practice, but it's still a regular show for everybody that's there.
And, you know, it'll just have to make do for now.
You know, I'm grateful to have just a spot to get out there, man.
It really is.
It really is a good deal.
But yeah, we had the death man in here.
We had him right here.
And it's crazy.
I mean, say fast forward 40 years from now, 80 years from now, when I die.
Or when I, you know, go on.
I should have put my order in.
I should have said, hey, Frank, I want this.
You know, I want this and this.
I want the strawberries and whipped cream one under each arm when I'm in that basket, Daddy.
And I want that wicker casket so you can still smell me.
So the ladies could still get off of my bro loan, you feel me?
But I don't know.
It's tricky.
How do you want to go?
Cremated is too much.
I don't want to be, you know, I worked one day as a damn chef's apprentice over at Roadhouse Cafe or whatever that shithole was.
Link Law.
I don't know what it was, dude.
They were supposed to be selling charred grilled steaks, but the FDA showed up and popped them and got them.
They were selling illegal meat.
You know, they had to hit a raft in there.
They had to hit a pony or something.
You know, some of the shit they were selling was illegal meat.
And that's the second time in my life I've been popped at a joint where they're selling illegal.
You know, I was out in Tucson, Arizona, and they had this little chef fella named Lil Scotty, and they popped him, and he wore a big ass hat too heavy for his neck.
And you would see him kind of like this a little bit.
And the hat was so damn heavy, it would close his eyelids, man.
But, you know, when you're a chef, they don't give you like a medallion.
You know, some things they give you a medallion if you do well.
But a chef, they give you a big hat.
Looks kind of like an atomic bomb explosion shape.
And he was so damn proud.
And I think his daddy thought he was bigger.
And his daddy hadn't seen him in a while.
And his daddy got him too heavy of a hat for his little neck.
And so he had that big bastard on there.
And he could barely keep his eyes open with that heavy bitch on there.
But they, yeah, they were selling illegal seafood.
And I remember the FDA showed up and popped everybody, dude.
You know?
Some dude asking me if I know about shrimp.
Bitch, I don't know about shit.
I'm a bus boy.
Okay?
And they need bread on eight right now.
So don't try to tangle me up all in this little mermaid bullshit.
But anyway, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to get all fired up.
But yeah, we out here.
That's what I'm saying.
And I forgot to tell you a little bit more about that song on the way in that was Runs in the Family by Matthew Kaziall.
Talented young fella.
And we'll have the link there to his sounds.
You can go get a hold of them and see what's going on with him.
And what's going on with you?
I'd love to know.
I'd love if you guys could hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.
And just let me know who's listening to the show.
If you work at a kindergarten, say that.
Say, hey, this is Rhonda.
You know, I work at a kindergarten.
You know, I like Skittles or I like to, you know, blow a Winston every now and then.
You know, and I like to listen to the podcast.
Or, you know, this is Timothy.
And I'm 40, but I still go by the name Timothy.
And, you know, I'm a janitorial.
I do janitorial by the church.
And I listen to the podcast.
Hit the hotline, man.
Let us know who's listening just so I know what's going on out there.
I think it's raining outside.
Wow.
I don't know if y'all can hear that, but that's really rain.
Wow.
See, I think I would like a cat when I go, I'd like a casket that every now and then comes up to the surface.
you could get hit by a little rain, you know.
We got a lot of great responses that came in about people talking about rejection.
And, you know, I'm thankful for the stories, man.
A lot of just people sharing rejection.
And we'll get into it in just a minute.
And I'll talk about rejection.
But first, I got to let you know about magic spoon.
And magic spoon is, I mean, it's not what you think it is, man.
Or it might be.
You know, when I was growing up, cereal was important in our household.
We had five major food groups, and they were cereal, cereal, cereal, cereal, and serel.
And that was it, man.
I remember at one time we had 27 boxes of seral in our house.
And you could go in there.
And sometimes it was, you know, the older kids would lock you in the cereal closet.
You know, and you'd be in there just frost or flaking your face off and stuff.
You have as much cereal as you could have, and you'd cry until somebody let you out.
But it was nice, man.
And it's nice to go back to those times in your life and sit at night and have you a bowl.
You got the baby put to bed, you know, little Abigail's put to bed.
You know, you clean that diaper off and little Abigail's resting, you know.
Or little Lance or whatever his name is, little Lance a lot.
You know, you took the chainmail off of him and put him to sleep.
And now it's your time to have you a little something.
To hit that freaking, hit that face of yours with that magic milk and magic, you know, sustenance.
And who does that for you better than anybody is Magic Spoon?
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What's blueberry?
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And look, I'll tell you this, it tastes amazing, man.
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Go get a taste of your childhood.
Man, that rain is really coming in, man.
If I keep talking about it, you can't hear it.
You guys aren't even believing, man.
But this rain, man, it sounds like about 30 German shepherds pissing on a tin roof, man.
This is a hardy batch, you know?
This is that kind of rain where it's like you've been in a conference for three hours and the guy wouldn't stop doing the PowerPoints and you didn't want to leave because you're already on, you know, kind of probation or light probation with the boss.
So you waited till the end of the deal and then you chirped out of that out of that Crown Plaza showroom and hit that urinal, baby.
You know, I wish they came out with a product where you could throw it in the urinal and they would clog it up for about two minutes.
Whenever you urinated, you could see how much you did.
Because that's one thing I don't like is you do urine, but you don't know how much.
I mean, what's the point of even, you know, what's the point of even pissing if you don't know how much you did?
You know, what's the point of making urine if you don't know how much you just made?
So if we could find a way to briefly kind of clog up a toilet just long enough for you to kind of have a little bit of pride in yourself, I think people would feel, you know, that pride might carry over back into the workplace.
So that's just me spitballing, baby.
That's what they call me, baby, spitballing Vaughn.
What else, man?
What else is going on?
Oh, we got these rejection calls, man.
They're good.
They're really, really good.
So I want to get right into them, man.
And thank you guys for being a part of this show.
The number is always 985-664-9503.
And I want to thank Riley Mao is not here today.
And it just didn't fit kind of with the schedule.
We'll have him back at some point.
We got producer Sean in today, and he's not in here right now.
He's at the Hardees.
But he is helping us, and we are grateful for that, man.
Thank you very much.
Let's hit a call.
Let's hit the hotline.
Here we go.
Hi, CEO.
This is Ashley calling from Indiana.
Ashley from Indiana, baby.
And Indiana is a real, yes, a popular state.
One of the probably 50 most popular states right there, gang.
And I just heard your segment on being rejected.
And I've never actually been rejected, but I did have to reject someone one time.
And it was super embarrassing.
I had a client at my vet clinic where I was a receptionist for a long time.
In a vet clinic, you know, that's where they bring animals.
Oh, you got a little pony and he's got asthma.
They bring his little ass in there, you know.
You know, or you got a little squirrel, bruh, and he got maybe a leak in his vas deferens and he's eating nuts, but he's blowing them at the same time.
You know, it's just, they do all kind of stuff like that.
Shit you can't handle at the house.
Gang, baby onward.
And took care of his dog and gave him his medicine and told him how to take care of his dog and told him to have a great day.
And he left and he called me back about 10 minutes later and said that he knew he was a little bit older than me, but I was really kind to him and he had just gone through a divorce, so he wanted to take me out on a date.
But I obviously, Well, at the time I had a boyfriend and I said, I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend, but being the good receptionist that I was, I told him that I could speak down his name and number and call him back at a later time if things changed.
Well, that's kind of perfect, Ashley, to just be, you know, get that response.
Take his number, save it for later.
Because you also don't know what can happen.
You don't know what God's doing for you.
You know, you may be getting, you know, that man could be your second husband.
What if times get different?
You know, what if your fiancé or whoever that man, the boyfriend falls into a volcano and now you don't know what to do?
And you hit up freaking Dog Daddy and he's got a little bit of money.
Next thing you know, you know, you over at his house early one morning making a couple of quick cakes for him in the pooch.
It's, you know, it's, you just don't know.
You got to save numbers.
You got to save numbers.
You got to, you got to hedge your bets.
You know, my daddy used to, he used to, when the church plate would come around, my daddy would throw a business card in it.
You know, you're supposed to put money in there and he put that business card in.
And I think he thought they were like drawing for like a free lunch or something, but he would throw that business card in there.
And he didn't even, hey, he, he didn't even have any business.
His business was nothing.
His business was trying not to, you know, sleep on the sofa at night.
That was his, his business was just trying not to make my mom mad.
But he would throw it in there, dude.
I don't even think it had any phone number on it.
I think it just had his name on it and said business card on it.
And he'd throw that bastard in there.
You know, I think he was just hedging his bets.
You know, just in case down the line, you know, he's thinking maybe the Lord needs somebody and whoo.
He hits, you know, he's got that card.
Everybody else has just been tithing cash, but Pops throws in that little that little connection piece.
So let's hear the rest of the call, man.
I'm sorry I interrupted you, young lady.
I don't know why.
I don't know.
It was like I was trying to get him in for a raby shot the next week.
I don't know what was going through my head.
It was super embarrassing, and I took out his name and number and held onto that piece of paper like I was going to call him back at some point.
So I really hope that guy moved on, and I think he will too.
So good luck out there.
Well, thank you.
Yeah, and this is, you know, I got rejected by a woman at the Crepery.
And I still sat there point blank and ate a crepe right in front of her.
So you may see me on a future episode of Mind Hunter.
But I'll say this, Ashley, one of the reasons, and I'll get into the psyche of a male.
One of the reasons this man probably did this is because you took care of his dog.
And in fact, a dog is an appendage of a man's, you know, private, baby, that wiener.
And some men got that little yapper.
Some men got that growler.
Some men got that snuggler wiener.
Some men got that winter wiener where their wieners always kind of hibernate.
But if you treat a man's puppy well or treat his dog well, then he, in his mind, that's a reflection.
Oh, this is how she's going to treat the rest of my body.
You know, a dog is really, it's an extension of a man, and it's not exactly an extension of his privates, of his penis.
But it kind of has that same, if you had an extra penis that could catch a frisbee, that's what your dog is.
You got to think into the male psyche.
And so if he sees you treating that thing, he sees you, you know, petting the dog and giving it a little, you know, maybe a little treat, maybe a chicken liver, he's going to say, oh, you know, if she'll take care of that, she might take care of the rest of me.
Because, you know, I remember being really young, you'll try to, I remember your penis becomes so alive at a certain point in your life.
I mean, when you're 13 or 12 or 14, your penis is like a, I mean, it just, it's just so damn insane.
It's like having a, um, it's like having a chatty friend.
You know, you're trying to be cool and be calm and then grab, grab, grab, grab, grab.
I want some tips.
You know, your penis just activates and you got to do something.
You got to handle them or mangle them.
You know, I remember when I was young trying to even feed my penis like a little Cat and Crunch.
I remember I'd get a little pocket knife and cut the Captain Crunch kernels into halves and try to, you know, feed one of your damn wiener, I guess.
Or just, you know, being young, man.
Anyway, I think that's why the man hit on you because you came at the dog.
But I think it's beautiful and I think it's a compliment.
And he probably just was looking for somebody to show him a little bit of care.
And you were the first one around him, you know.
It's crazy how we all could use some care, man.
We all use somebody to pat us on the neck or to, you know, throw a frisbee or give us a little chicken liver.
Man, y'all can hear that rain.
It is cool, though.
I almost wish I was out in it.
And the police as well.
You hear them?
Police are around here.
*sad music*
But yeah, I went kayaking out on the Harpeth.
About a two-hour run out there.
You know, a couple People out there drinking Mountain Dew Code Reds, you know.
And it was nice, man.
This one nice thing out here in Tennessee.
It was really a perfect day because the weather was, it was fall, but it was hot.
So it's 80 degrees, but it's, you know, October, whatever, 20th or something.
So all the foliage had shifted.
You know, because Mother Nature likes to use different crayons, man.
She don't, you know, she goes heavy on the green for a while, but once she starts to realize there's other colors in the box, that bitch gets extravagant, baby.
And one thing in Tennessee, you can see that foliage, man.
So you could really, you just, you know, we're just yakking through these creeks and you just see the, just all these trees and leaves and just the endless soundtrack of God, man, nature.
It's just a playlist that...
It's just a playlist that's...
Thank you.
Thank you.
As far as we know.
Let's take another call.
985-664-9503.
What's up, Theo?
This is Chris from Connecticut.
What's up, Christopher?
Chris.
And Chris is short for Christopher a lot of times.
Or Christmas or Christening.
Or what else?
And that's it.
Let's hear more.
I'm calling about getting turned down.
It just made me think of a story from college.
I had went to a bar with a couple of my friends.
It was after an intermural softball game.
Oh, yeah, intermural softball.
I feel you, baby.
Intermural softball, dude.
There was always some psycho on every team.
He had on like nine headbands.
He's putting on eye black.
He's doing Coke.
He's like, then he hits a double and tears his ACL.
His name's always Hank.
Let's hear more, brother.
Let's go, Christopher.
So you know how that is.
But basically, I'm dancing by myself, which is another great part of the story I forgot.
But I'm dancing by myself, and some girls dancing with some guys.
And I look over, and she kind of gives me the swoop to pull her in.
So I kind of swoop over, I'm thinking smoothly, and start grinding up on this girl.
And she's digging it, you know, she's down.
She's grinding up on me, and we're dancing.
And I just went in for the kiss thinking, like, you know, next step is to try to make out with her.
And she stops me immediately and goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, you are too sweaty.
And truth be told, I've just got to be honest, I probably was too sweaty after that softball game.
But yeah, that's my turn-down story, basically.
She wasn't having it.
So hope that works for the podcast.
Love you, man.
Gang, gang.
Buzz, buzz, as always, and keep shit going, man.
We love you.
Love everything you got.
Love you, too, man.
Thank you, bro.
I love you too, man.
And thanks for that statement.
And I'll tell you this, man.
You know, sweat is really, sweat is that body river.
It's that baby glaze, man.
I mean, sweat is, it's a part of, you know, a mother sweats when she bring her child into the world.
You know, you don't want to, you know, be born and your mother's dry as hell.
Like, damn.
Who's this am, you know, who's this dang arachnid?
You know, you want to be, you want to, you want that drippy mom after it.
You know, you don't want, I mean, I want to be born.
I want my mother in a damn tank top.
You feel me?
I want her looking like she just had a, you know, had been doing two a days.
I don't want one of these dry ass mothers having a child.
And that's sweat, man.
Sweat is just advertising that you've been trying.
That's all it is, man.
You know, it takes eight minutes to get sweat.
Sweat's not a free gift.
You know, anybody could just do some bullshit, but somebody's got to do some bullshit at a decent heart rate for eight minutes to be sweating.
And way to go dancing by yourself, man.
That's dancing by yourself, the ultimate sign of confidence.
If you look at different television shows or programs or even drawings, some drawings, you'll see somebody dancing by themselves.
And there's nothing, it's a sign of confidence, man.
If a guy's dancing by themselves, at first, a lot of other guys will be like, man, look at this fool.
But nine out of ten times, that guy ends up dancing with a woman.
Some woman meanders over to that guy.
There's something magical about it.
There's something magical about that, just that confidence, baby.
That French confidence, man.
There's something just warm about it.
There's something inviting.
So more power to you, man.
It sounds like you're on a great track.
You're dancing by yourself.
You're doing your own thing.
You're doing softball.
Do co-ed softball.
That way, you're kind of killing two birds with one stone.
Hit it inside the park homework because that's all people hit in softball.
And then dance when you get to home plate.
And you already have women there at the place.
You don't have to go to the pub.
Dude, I remember one time we used to play softball, and they put this dude, Ladavius, man, and he was an urban youngster, if I'm real honest with you.
And he might have been a little bit shh.
He might have had a little hit of Shanghai in him or something.
But he, I don't know, he had that kind of, he'd look a little, you know, sleepish, if you will.
He had that ghastly kind of vibe.
and he was in a wheelchair, bro.
He was WC'd up, and they put him out in left field by me.
So I had to be out there with him.
So every now and then, you know, the ball, if it got hit high enough, I'd try to push him over there to get under it, man.
And we were, man, we were horrible.
We were horrible.
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All right, let's take another call here.
Oh, T.O., gang, gang.
Gang, baby boy, what's happening with you?
What up, son?
Not much.
Hey, long time, first time here.
Hey, I was calling about the rejection, and one time my first day in my brand new apartment, I get in the elevator.
There's this just gorgeous for that moment way out of my league.
Comes tonight, got me and my dog, right?
Oh, yeah, you got that little hitman with you, baby.
And she's actually excited to see the dog.
She gets in all happy, starts petting my dog.
Oh, yeah, and this goes back to it.
Once you touch that dog, and the man imagination goes from that wiener dog to just that wiener.
You feel me?
I froze up, man.
I locked up.
Only thing I could come up with was, oh, you like dogs?
And she looked at me like I was probably the dumbest thing on planet Earth.
Gave me a smile, probably because she felt bad at me.
But then we had to take the elevator 10 stories up in this awkward, embarrassed.
I didn't know what to say.
I was all red.
I was sweaty, man.
I've never been the same since.
Gang, gang.
Gang, brother, you never will be the same, man.
That rejection, it sticks in you, man, like a magnet with talons, man.
It just gets into you.
It eats your ass, baby.
It eats your ass with buck teeth.
Oh, man.
And the elevator, I mean, first of all, there's so many things going on in that story.
First of all, elevators, if we just build an elevator that went all the way to heaven, we wouldn't have a lot of the problems we have.
But instead, we're building three stories.
Sometimes you see a building with two stories as an elevator.
Bitch, just throw your friend up there, dog.
Fucking jump.
We're wasting all of this money.
And also, if we had an elevator that went all the way up to heaven, you know, we do two stories, three stories.
You know, you go to a dentist.
You go to some tax evasion place.
You go to chiropractor, bro.
Dude, look, if a chiropractor ain't on the first floor, that place is a scam, bro.
Okay?
Facts.
You know, I don't want to go to the bent house, daddy.
I want to go to the penthouse, man.
I want to go all the way to the top.
We should make an elevator that goes to heaven, man.
Think about it.
That way, when you're ready to go, you're ready to go.
It's not a bad idea, man.
But dude, yeah, it's so tough when you get with a girl, you start, and you have a chance and you're like, oh, you like dogs?
And then you just, there's nothing you can induce and your voice gets locked up.
And you have to ride floor after floor just thinking, what do I say now?
And anything would have been okay.
You could have said anything, man.
You could have said anything.
You're just looking at your dog.
keep petting your dog like a pervert.
Oh, that's heartbreaking, man.
And I've been there, and we've all been there.
I mean, if you're listening to this podcast, you've definitely been rejected by women.
And we've all been there, man.
We've all been there.
Oh, that's a frustration.
Just each floor.
Ding, ding.
I'm a loser.
I'm a loser.
Oh, it's hectic, man.
But at least you were in the elevator.
At least you had a chance.
You know, I don't want to realize sometimes, but I realize men get with who they're brave enough to talk to.
That's who you end up with.
A man's wife is whoever they were brave enough to talk to.
Unless the woman picks the man.
Sometimes that happens these days.
I'm drinking this mountain water called Liquid Death.
And it's supposed to be one of the most fine waters they have from Australia or somewhere.
Damn, it's good too, man.
God, it tastes wet, bro.
Damn.
It tastes like a million children just kind of gleeking into your mouth, you know?
And not children like children, children, just like hypothetical adult, you know, non ageless children.
I'm not talking nothing wild, bro.
So get off my, get off of me on that.
But yeah, man, hey, at least you had a dog, bro.
At least you and your dog are sitting there and your dog's like, man, I did my part.
I wingmanned as good as I could.
She petted me.
All you had to do was say something.
I think you owe your dog an apology, though, brother.
But I feel you, man.
Thanks for sharing.
We got another call that came in here, 985-664-9503.
What up, Theo?
This is Greg.
So you mentioned rejection.
What's up, Greg?
And that's short, usually for Gregory or Gregarious is something different.
That's more of an urban name.
But Gregory for a white.
Let's go.
Check this out.
I was in Somalia, like the worst place you could ever be in the world.
Yeah, I don't know, dude.
I've been to a Wawa in Philadelphia after about 1.40 a.m., dude.
And I saw a guy shoot a.22-caliber gun Right through a ham and egg sandwich.
And that shit fucking blew out the glass.
And that shit was pretty dicey, but not challenging you.
Just kind of trying to relate, I guess.
Onward?
Getting shot at.
And I get back to our base.
And I have a letter from my fiancé.
Hold on, I'm going to back you up so I can hear all your story.
I'm sorry for interrupting you.
And thanks for your service, man.
Well, check this out.
I was in Somalia, like the worst place you could ever be in the world, getting shot at.
And I get back to our base, and I have a letter from my fiancé saying she just moved in with some dude.
Rudiac did.
Had to go out in the desert, look into the sun until my tears dried up.
Anyways, hey, I love your show.
Gang Gang.
Gang, bro.
Dang.
Man, that's hectic, man.
That's hectic, man.
Oh.
You know, I bet I'm going out on a limb here.
But I bet, I bet it was real painful at the time, man.
But I bet after a certain point, or in hindsight, years later, I bet you're able to look back and be like, man, I'm glad that I was far away.
Because then you're not there to have to deal with the breakup.
You're not right there to have to drive past each other and see each other at the twice daily or at the Tom Thumb or whatever.
You know, it's...
I think there's probably some blessing in that.
I remember I went to Kuwait one time to do some military shows and I was on cigarettes.
And I was doing cigarettes, bro.
I'd puff out, bro.
I was jerking off and puffing out.
You know, I was basically just doing my best.
And I remember it was too hot to even smoke.
It was too hot to even smoke a cigarette.
The air outside was hotter than a cigarette was.
So if you inhaled a cigarette, it was almost, it was a colder, it felt like, than the regular air.
So it was just worthless.
You know, it was pointless.
It just, you could just inhale the regular air and it felt like a cigarette.
So hot.
And I remember some girl went on their morning run or something and she stopped by my little cabin or whatever and tried to make love to me and I couldn't get an erection.
So, I mean, she was petting my dog, man, with, she was petting my dang dog and that thing just wasn't waking up.
I think about, I mean, damn, it was just old yellow, bro.
My wiener was dead, man.
What else, man?
Oh, I'll tell you that.
One thing that about being in the elevator that gets my girdle, I mean, it just boils my damn beef.
Boils my beef.
Is when somebody gets in with a little child.
And they're like, okay.
Okay, Tanner, press the button.
And Tanner's standing there.
He's got all 10 fingers up his nose.
You know, he's just straight bug hunting.
He don't give a damn.
And they're like, all right, Tanner, press the button.
And Tanner's like, then he beats his damn little booger hunters up against the, like, you know, up against all the buttons.
And it reminds me, actually, I got to tell you this one story.
I'm in an elevator.
I'm going back to elevators, and I'm in the elevator.
I get in, and this couple gets in at the same time.
And they have a little child, man.
And this child probably been alive maybe, I'm guessing, probably 170 days.
You know, he still smelled a little gamey.
Still a little gamey in the air.
And, you know, like if an animal came up, I bet he would pick that little baby up by the back of the neck.
You know what I'm saying?
He's still a little fresh out that mom body.
So we're in there.
We get in.
And I felt like the mom had maybe been drinking.
And she said to the husband, she said, oh, honey, maybe Dunstan will want to press the button.
And first of all, you can't name a baby Dunstan.
You can't name a baby Dunstan, man.
I think Dunstan is a baseball bat.
You can't name a baby Dunstan.
Think about a baby named Dunstan, dude.
Yeah, you can't.
So I'm looking, I'm like Dunstan, and I'm looking at the baby, and I'm thinking, well, surely she doesn't mean the baby.
The baby is five months old.
That baby couldn't.
Dunstan don't have it.
He can't move his arms.
He's like a scarecrow with no scare in him.
He can't do nothing.
I mean, a snake could eat him.
Dunstan don't have any capabilities.
So she's like, honey, honey, maybe Dunstan would like to push the buttons.
And I'm standing there like, we got to get going.
You know, it's been about 18 seconds.
That's a long time for an elevator to start in modern day.
So then the husband, he has this look on his face like, what?
Like, I don't know.
But then you can tell who wears the pants in the family, the lady.
And I don't know if she like wanted to show off for me or what she's thinking, but next thing you know, the guy like puts, you know, Dunstan by the buttons and he don't do nothing.
I knew he wasn't going to do nothing.
And I'm thinking, man, I wish I had a law degree.
Somebody needs to be here on behalf of Dunstan.
Somebody could have Dunstan's best interests, man.
And then they take Dunstan, man, and the dad, like, puts him by the thing and he's not pressing him because he can't press him because he can't do anything.
The only thing he's pressing or even thinking about pressing is just pressing a tit into his face, you know?
He's that milkhound, baby.
He's that fucking leche weasel, daddy.
So now he like takes the baby and like pushes the baby against the buttons.
Like the side of the baby, like the shoulder and the ear in the head.
He like pushes like three buttons with little Dunstan is pushing him up against the buttons, man.
And I pushed my own, man.
He's like, what floor do you want to go to?
I was like, I'll give Dunstan's already done enough, man.
We're going to four fucking floors that none of us are on.
I'll go where I need to go.
I'll handle my own shit.
All right, let's take another call here.
Yo, Theo, what's up?
It's your boy Matt from fucking New York.
What's up, Matt?
And good to hear from you, my man.
And thank you for calling and being a part of the show.
And New York, one of the premier states, one of the first states they ever had, New York onward.
No, I heard you got rejected.
It sucks, man.
I've been there.
Thank you, brother.
Yep, we all have, and it's good to hear that others have.
More?
So I had a funny rejection story.
So I was working at Planet Fitness at the gym.
I don't know if we're going to call Planet Fitness a gym, man, but I'll go on with you.
I'll go on with you here.
This cute Asian girl would come in there, and I kind of had a thing for her, so I'd flirt with her, you know, whatever.
Oh, yeah, baby, that Pinoy daddy, onward.
And I was nervous to ask her out, though.
She seemed really shy.
I couldn't tell if she was into me or not.
And that's the Asian dilemma right there when it comes to white males and Asian women.
You have no idea.
You have no idea.
You could be getting married to an Asian woman and you have no idea if she likes you or not.
There is no...
No one has any idea what is going on.
You could be a brain surgeon.
You could work at a Hardy's.
There's no gives.
Onward.
And then some of my coworkers hyped me up.
They're like, yo, man, go for it.
Go for it.
So I thought, oh, I'm going to do it big.
I'm going to buy her a flower.
I got her a rose.
And I hid the rose behind the desk and I waited for her to leave.
Oh, man.
So much romance.
And this is the most embarrassing thing because she walked out into the parking lot and I followed her out.
Now saying it out loud, it sounds so creepy, but at the time I thought it would be like romantic.
And I said, hey, excuse me.
And then she turned around and I gave her the flower.
And I was like, you know, maybe we should go out sometime, you know, give me a chance, blah, blah, blah.
And she's like, she was so, she felt so awkward, I could tell.
And like, at this point, I knew I fucked up.
And she's just like, oh, I'm busy with school and stuff, whatever.
And then like, it was horrible because then she would come in to work out and I'd have to see her again.
And every time I was like trying to hide and shit.
So, yeah, we've all been there, man.
So don't feel bad.
But anyway, gang, gang.
Gang, brother.
Dang.
What a story, man.
Oh, I can feel it.
You hid that flower the whole time.
One of your co-workers notice.
They're all like chatting behind your back like, damn, he's about to fucking take an L. You know?
And you're all fire.
You hyped up.
And once your mind goes over that cliff of I'm going to take a flower to a girl, it's, bro, it ain't the 1800s.
I feel you.
I love the romantic side.
It's just not as appreciated these days.
People think you're a stalker.
People think you're a stalker who also has a green thumb.
But man, I commend it, bro.
You hiding that bitch.
You got a little bit of foliage tucked off behind the Z-Rocks.
You sneak over.
Ta-da.
She's shocked.
And then she gave you the most age.
I have to go to school more?
I have to go to school more.
Come on.
At least come up with some other.
I'm on, you know, do something else.
I'm on swim team.
I have to swim all the time.
Anything other than that.
I have to go to school.
But honestly, bro, in some Asian traditions, man, that's the thing.
It's school or die, bro.
There's not a lot of middle ground.
You know, and a lot of Asians, they get a B, they go missing.
And that's documented, man.
And then going back to the gym, man, I respect the hustle.
I don't know if it's anytime fitness or planet fitness.
One of them, dude, it's like $7 a month.
You go in there, there's a cocaine anonymous meeting going on in one corner of it.
Lil Boosie's in another corner shooting a rap video.
You know, some guy's using one of the overhead pull-down bars to pry off an ankle bracelet.
Someone left a baby in a box at the bottom of the stairmaster.
There's a produce section for some reason.
There's people practicing for supermarket sweep in there.
It's just, there's some guy who has an aquarium.
It's like, what?
It just, none of it makes any sense.
A lot of people are just going there to bathe.
Some guy's storing stuff in there.
Like you go in, some guy has 40 locks on all the lockers in there, and he's just storing all of his shit instead of getting like a regular storage.
And I don't know if that's anytime fitness or planet fitness, but one of them, man, one of them will leave you wanting more sometimes.
But you get that grind, baby.
You get that grind.
And that's what's important, man.
And that's what's important about your story, man.
You got that grind, dog.
Dude, I remember when I was in, let me think, sixth, seventh grade, there was this rich girl.
And I don't know, she might not have been rich, but she was rich to me, man.
She had two parents.
She had a cat that was doing well.
You know, she was, they were, you know, she was doing good.
And I remember we went to their basketball game and I got me a flower, bro.
I got me a rose in advance.
And I got, it was nice, dude.
It was like $2.20.
And they wrapped it up and that was an extra dollar.
And I went all in.
I had to get a ride all the way out to the other school.
And I went with one of my, oh, I actually rode out with one of my buddies because he was dating another girl.
And he was dating another girl.
And so we went to the basketball game.
And, dude, she was on the cheerleading team.
And at one point, they sat down because they, you know, they dance team or something.
And I walked over there, dog, and my face was turning red as could be.
And I got down on one knee, bro.
Down on one hoof, man, like a marriage.
I didn't know what to do.
I didn't know how to do it.
I got down on one knee, bruh, like a marriage.
And I gave this chick a dang rose, man.
And the ball came bouncing over like the, you know, I wasn't even playing ball.
Like, you know, like, what a loser.
I think some kid called me the N-word again.
It was just bad.
I think even the referee called me the N-word.
But that was love, man.
I gave it a shot.
You know?
There's something valuable in that.
You know, you're unforgettable.
You know, you're dancing, bro.
Everybody else is standing around and doing this and sliding into the DMs, man.
And you're sliding into that demilitarized zone, baby.
You're sliding right into Shanghai, man.
You know, you're showing up in real life, sliding into the DMs.
But that rose, baby, that Shakespeare move.
And there's some value in that.
You know, you're dancing, man.
Everybody else is kind of doing the walk, but you're dancing.
And when you dance by yourself, dog, that never goes away.
However you do that in your life, it comes out in all different types and facets, man.
So that's what we do here, man.
We get rejected, bruh, but we show up.
And I'm happy to be showing up for myself today, man.
It's not always easy, but, you know, you guys are always there for me and support.
And I appreciate that.
And I try to do the same as much as I can for you.
So, gang, man.
Love you guys, man.
Yeah, what else do we have going on?
We got some good episodes coming up.
Joe Coy will be on.
What else?
We're trying to have, we've got a couple of neat guests on.
I don't want to say them yet because we're close to having them, but, you know, we're really hopeful.
And what else, man?
I just hope you're doing okay wherever you are today.
You know, I hope you know that you're loved, man, and there's people thinking about you whoever you are.
Even if maybe you feel like there isn't.
Sometimes it's not that people don't love us, it's that we can't feel it.
You know, and I hope you find a way to get out there this week and drop that rose, bro.
Hit somebody with that foliage, dog.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm a damn dandelion.
That's some little hoe, bro.
Be real with it.
So we'll go out the way that we came in, man.
Because that's life, baby.
How we gonna go out?
How we gonna come in?
We gonna dance while we here?
We gonna show that foliage while we here?
Damn, your co-workers, bro.
They let you ride out into the distance, dog.
Damn.
But that's fine, man.
They ain't us, dog.
They back there doing it.
You're going to find somebody.
You're going to find your lady Guinevere, dog.
Amen.
100%, fool.
100%, fool.
We'll go out the way we came in, man, with Matthew Kaziol and runs in the family.
I would tell you of any new shows I have coming up, but I don't have any.
You know, we're still dealing with the disease and COVID lurks, man, or does it?
Who knows?
We don't know everything.
The elections coming up.
You know, I've already made my choice.
I choose people, man.
I choose people over politics, man.
I just been thinking a lot about it.
And I'm just not letting these forces divide me from people.
I mean, we're already losing connection here and there.
And now they got people putting us on different sides, playing this big dirty game of Red Rover.
You know, I will vote.
I will vote.
And I encourage you to vote for whoever you want to.
Whoever you want to.
But in my heart, I think I need to make another choice.
And that's for people, man.
You know, but also I don't know what I'm talking about.
But I love you, man.
I'll see you at that Anytime Fitness, baby.
Anytime Fitness and Florist Gang, this is Matthew Kaziol with Runs in the Family.
be good to yourself.
*Music*
It's out of my hands and in my blood.
It's out of my hands and in my blood.
It's read in a ledger and I can't pay up.
Bliss by the wicked and washed in the mud.
Can't save my soul, so let the valley flood.
I wear the club that I'm cut from.
Come on, man.
It's just a matter of time.
There ain't no stopping the Santa Sun.
Can't wash the sin from the hairs that made me care Now run with Gruns and the family Gruns and the family You are the king Way to go, baby.
We get rejected, baby.
We keep rolling, baby.
We've all been rejected, dog.
Crying onto my father inside my feet.
Find me in the rejection section.
Pray for mercy, but it won't come cheap.
Pray for mercy, baby.
It's just a matter of time.
Come on, Maddie.
There ain't no stopping sensory.
Can't watch the sings from the head that made me care.
Runs in the family.
Runs in the family.
Man, that's a good time, Webby.
It runs in the fair lane.
It runs in the fair lane.
Wow, unless Matthew Kaziall runs in the family.
I want to just take a second to thank everybody, too, that supports the Patreon.
Man, we don't, you know, we don't push a big Patreon, and that's fine, and we don't want to, but we're just doing some good stuff over there.
And for the people that do, I feel like I don't say thank you enough.
So thank you very much.
And we love you.
Yeah.
Now I'm just floating on the breeze.
And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.
I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking break and let myself unwind shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song I will sing it just for you.
And I've been moving way too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of my past.
And these wheels that I've been riding on, they're once so thin that they're damn near gone.
