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Sept. 22, 2020 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

01:38:31

E297 Bobby's Belated Birthday Party - Bobby Lee 4

Bobby Lee returns to this past weekend as the 1st ever 4-time guest. New Merch https://theovonstore.com This episode is brought to you: Policy Genius Manscaped Betterhelp Music “Shine” - Bishop Gunn http://bit.ly/Shine_BishopGunn Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://bit.ly/TPW_VideoHotline Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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	And then you hear rumors.
	Theo was on PCP in Nashville.
	He ran through a wall.
	Right?
	You're like, what?
	And so then, like, you hear these stories.
	I installed PVC pipe in a wall.
	That's actually what happened.
	So that's crazy.
	This is how it translates.
	You don't do?
	No, all right.
	Your attitude's weird.
	He's passive aggressive.
	Happy to have you.
	Yeah, I'm happy to have you too, but it's like, you know, I just asked for the earphones.
	I'm on podcasts, but it's okay.
	Like, that sounded believable, man.
	You got a tan going or what?
	Dude, I was at the beach yesterday, man.
	Oh, you go to the beach?
	Huh?
	Yeah.
	That's exciting.
	Do you guys get out there much?
	No, man.
	I've been to the beach before in my life.
	I'm a beach guy, dude.
	I grew up in San Diego, bro.
	Yeah, but that doesn't mean you're a beach guy.
	Like, do you go to the beach a lot?
	Dude, look at this.
	Hang loose, bro.
	Yeah, but I've never seen pictures of you at the beach before.
	I know, because I don't have a beach body, bro.
	Yeah, you do.
	No, no, no, no.
	I look like baby whaleshit.
	That's what my body's shaped like baby whale shit.
	There's some dope urchins and stuff out there.
	Pull up a picture of an urchin if you don't mind, Nick.
	Because I don't know what it is, and I don't want to be offensive to you.
	Yeah.
	Look at that, Bobby.
	Yeah.
	Oh, wow.
	That's definitely you.
	One time I saw you, I was in the water, in the ocean.
	I thought I saw Eric Riffin.
	Yeah.
	But it was a blobfish.
	Ooh, yeah, yeah.
	And it was complaining about something.
	He was complaining about something.
	He had the glasses and everything, dude.
	What's going on?
	We haven't started yet?
	Yeah, we started, I guess.
	This is how you do it.
	This is your Bob Day party, man.
	Oh, shit.
	I didn't even realize you even did that, bro.
	Oh, fuck.
	I feel so fucking grateful, I think.
	I think that's the word to use, man.
	Thank you so much.
	You put Bob up here like this.
	And then happy birthday shit.
	You got a Vonds.
	We got it somewhere.
	Yeah.
	Safeway or whatever.
	It's not homemade.
	It's not homemade.
	I'm used to homemade birthday stuff but you know dude are you feeling well I've been starting to feel older, man.
	Bro, let me tell you something right now, dude.
	Yeah?
	My penis?
	That's how you know.
	My penis, dude, it don't work correctly.
	Really?
	Like, how does it work?
	Like, if it were, like, if when I pee, I have to concentrate.
	Like, isn't it like a martial art or something?
	Isn't it like that?
	No, no, no, no.
	What do you mean?
	You don't get a white belt, with it.
	No, but I feel like if you concentrate hard enough, you can almost.
	That's peeing.
	Yeah, yeah.
	That's pee.
	But before you would just go, I'm going to pee, and it was just like a natural thing.
	Oh, yeah.
	It's like breathing.
	You just naturally do it.
	But sometimes, like last night, I had to go, I know I have to pee, but it's clogged up.
	Maybe it was cum.
	Ooh.
	Maybe it's clobbed with cum, but it's like...
	I know.
	Because I had jerked off.
	You know, I jerked off before that?
	And it didn't come out?
	But you still felt the camera.
	No, the came came out.
	Oh.
	Thick, pure Korean cum.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And that's a delicacy, I think.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	You know what it looks like?
	It's like that foam, cappuccino foam.
	Wow.
	You know how you get a nice cappuccino?
	Yeah, that's what it looks like.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And so I was coming real good.
	Yeah.
	I'm like, ah, you know.
	Somebody told me Black Guy's Cum has music in it.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Jazz.
	It's like jazz blues kind of a thing, yeah.
	It's like Salonia's Monk.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	That's what it is.
	It's got a little Leon bridge in the middle.
	And it's thicker, too, because I've tasted it.
	It's thicker.
	Yeah, yeah.
	It's a thick, good, good stuff.
	Well, it was a fat black guys, so maybe fat black guys have thicker cum.
	Oh, I'm sure they do, dude.
	Even just by looking at them, you know they're not.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	It's got diabetes in it for sure.
	Well, they're not.
	They're definitely throwing a creme brulee.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	A cum brulee, you know?
	Anyway, I masturbated last night in the bathtub.
	Did you?
	Yeah, yeah.
	And was your wife in there with you or no?
	No, she's sleeping.
	Okay.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And she's not my wife.
	So I was masturbating in the bathtub.
	And you know what sucks about masturbating in the bathtub?
	It drives me crazy.
	You come, right?
	Is this too blue for the show?
	I think it is, but it's too blue for me.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Nick's having his lips.
	Nick just put an apron on.
	So then I had it in my hand, right?
	And so what I do is I clean it later.
	Do you just save it in your hand?
	No, no, save it and let it dry.
	No, that's crazy.
	That's crazy talk.
	No, on the side, I just wipe it on the side.
	I clean it later.
	On the side of the tub?
	Yeah.
	I clean it later.
	Right?
	So I put it on the side of the glove.
	You've never cleaned anything later.
	I've been to your house.
	You know how people have that big water jug they collect coins in?
	You had one filled with urine.
	So I did, I'm going to save it later like that, right?
	Because I like to relax.
	But the worst thing is, is that then I looked at my pee-pee, right?
	And there's still a couple, you know what I mean?
	Oh, yeah.
	Just like, you know, like sea monkeys.
	Yeah, like people on the roof during Hurricane Katrina.
	They're on the tip of my penis And they're And they're They're doing this And I'm like Like this car Yeah Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, like one of those things.
	That's what it looks like.
	One of those things that you see at a car dealership.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And so it was doing this, and then I just let it float.
	And I'm thinking to myself, do they think it's like the ovary?
	Like, we made it.
	Oh, do they think you're the ovary?
	No, the water.
	Because you're coming inside of water, right?
	And the sperm must think, right, I could see if I were.
	We thought it was going to be a long distance, right?
	We heard the stories.
	And here we are.
	Yeah, and here we are.
	And then like, no.
	No, this is.
	Yeah, this is a bathtub.
	Yeah, you lost.
	Yeah.
	So then after I do that, and then I try to pee.
	I guess maybe it's just not old age, but it's clogged a little bit.
	What I don't like is...
	What do you mean?
	So, you would dig a hole and then you would come into a hole if he caught us that we'd ejaculated onto something or you know, e-jacked onto a cloth or something or into a little, you know, you know, something.
	Maybe my sister had a little thing of cups and cupboards or some little game, you know, children's game thing or something.
	Then he would make us, if he busted us, he would make us take it out of the yard and bury it in the backyard.
	Yeah.
	What if you buried it and all of a sudden a little Theo?
	Yeah, six months later, just a little Theo just came out of the ground.
	Yeah, look at him.
	Someone used cars.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, and then my mom bought a Dodge Neon.
	She did?
	She did eventually, man.
	Man, I remember when she got that neon, bro.
	We thought we had made it, son.
	Really?
	Oh, dude.
	My mom got that neon, dude.
	My brother and I slept in it.
	She let us sleep out in it the first night we got it.
	Yeah?
	It's a nice.
	How many cars did you have growing up?
	Let me see.
	We had a station wagon, and somebody stole the back door off of it.
	And then, so then we got a Volkswagen rabbit, which was like a really small car.
	Yeah, very dangerous.
	They backfire.
	I like when you pull up a picture of that.
	Dark gray.
	What year is this?
	19. Any of those look good on the top row, I think.
	Yeah.
	87. Oh, that's it.
	Wow.
	Dude, it's a box, man.
	It's cute.
	And mom would drive that thing, dude.
	And it would be out of gas.
	She would drive it on sheer anger.
	Would freaking propel that car.
	Yeah.
	And we had a Corvette.
	What?
	My mom had a Corvette.
	And you know what my dad had?
	He had a pedophile white van.
	It's just a white van, right?
	And he would go around, you know, and I don't know why, but he would always go past schools.
	What is it about, I think there's a lot of secrecy inside of Asian men, older Asian men, where you know what I'm saying?
	No, I don't.
	Please explain yourself.
	I will.
	A lot of white men and blacks, too, I'll say it, and others, slims, everybody else, slams, people from the desert, sand Christians, everybody.
	They are more, they're more outspoken with what's going on.
	I feel like a lot of Asian people keep things very close to the vest.
	Like you'll see a guy with a van, but no particular reason, you never know.
	And then years later, you know, on his deathbed, he tells you he was, you know, he's been running a baseball card shop across town.
	All right, smuggling opium.
	Yeah, smuggling opium.
	Well, you guys don't do a lot of like you guys do more sex offender indoor.
	You don't do like kidnapping, that kind of stuff.
	I don't think, huh?
	Asians?
	Well, no, let me try to think about that.
	Because Asian man is not going to be able to catch a white kid or a black kid.
	No fucking fucking.
	No way.
	I take that very offensive.
	Dude, bro.
	Asians are quick as fuck, bro.
	The reason why you don't even know is because we do it so quick.
	There's no witnesses.
	Come here.
	That's how, you know what I mean?
	You know what I mean?
	You know what I mean?
	Come here.
	And they do, they molest quick.
	Ooh, now that I can.
	Like that, right?
	You know what I mean?
	And then we bury.
	Bury.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah, so we're quick as fuck.
	That's where I see it.
	But I've never really seen in the news, especially in America, right?
	Asian man, you know what I mean?
	Yeah.
	Moles or Asian man goes hog wild.
	You know, like sometimes younger.
	Right, right.
	Right.
	Or sometimes white people go hog wild in a mall.
	Yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	With a machine gun.
	Like a ta-da-da-da.
	You know, whatever, right?
	Yeah.
	You never see Asian dudes do it, older dudes doing that.
	You guys keep your crime, I feel, like, very close to the vest.
	And then at the last second on a death, in a deathbed whisper, you tell it, you know, like, oh, I touch all the kiddos.
	Yeah, yeah.
	You know?
	Bobby, I killed 9,342 people in my life, or something like that.
	And you're like, what the fuck?
	And then they just die.
	Yeah.
	I think that's the way to do it.
	Yeah.
	Keep your shit to yourself.
	Well, you guys come from a long history of keeping secrets and tradition, honor.
	An Asian man will die.
	An Asian man will die.
	Asian will kill themselves.
	Can you see about that, Nick?
	Asian man kill themselves, what?
	Asian kill themselves if they have a secret.
	You know, they can't handle it.
	Sepuku.
	Oh, sebuku.
	Right.
	Harikari, an alternative spelling for, is a ritual suicide in traditional Japan.
	If someone kills themselves.
	I know, but Theo, white people kill themselves too.
	They just don't do it differently.
	Yeah, but we're distressed about something.
	Yeah, that's why you think they're having a happy day?
	We don't have a forest.
	Yeah, we have a forest in Japan.
	Right.
	That's true.
	Right, that's true.
	You guys have more, it's more of like, I'm going to go over here and take my life quietly.
	I'm not going to bother anybody.
	White guys like, hey, look at me.
	Right.
	I'm shooting people at a claire's.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	You know?
	I think because Asians, especially my parents and my family, you know, we want to assimilate.
	Yeah.
	And we want to just, you know, don't be bothered.
	We're lucky to be here is the mentality, I think.
	Wow.
	Yeah, we worked hard to be here.
	We're going to just make our money and we don't want to cause any trouble.
	You know, I think the new generations of they're out there protesting and very vocal.
	But I'm in the mid-ground.
	Like I kind of was influenced kind of by the Asians that immigrated here.
	Right.
	So it's like, I don't really, I still have that old school, you know what I mean, mentality where I don't want to, like last night I ran into.
	This fucking happened, man.
	You can say it.
	Tim Robbins?
	A Chad.
	Oh, really?
	I rarely go out, bro.
	Somebody from Chad?
	You mean a black?
	No, no, no, no, no.
	No, no.
	You know, you've heard of Chad and Karen's?
	Right.
	So people that get upset about stuff.
	Yeah.
	So I was at, so last night, I look at my girl and I go, because I'm down to one pack of cigarettes a week.
	Are you really?
	Yeah.
	So I smoke one pack a week and I had run out of the week, the pack.
	So I'm like, I think I need.
	And I started smoking like the butts.
	It's just gross.
	Oh, I've been there.
	Yeah, Yeah, yeah.
	So I go, you know, Sweetie, I'm going to go to the 7-Eleven.
	She goes, I take Juliana with you, which is my niece or her niece.
	And how old is Juliana?
	She's in high school.
	She's a senior.
	So Juliana's in the car with me.
	We go to 7-Eleven.
	And I go and I go and I wait in the line, six feet, whatever.
	I have the mask on.
	And there's a full-blown fight in the counter with this white dude.
	Full-blown is also a term used for AIDS.
	I sorry to bring that up, but it's a pet peeve of mine when people do that.
	People are like, oh, man, you know, I have a full, but he had it.
	Full-blown white.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	And he was like, the guy was, Mister, Meister.
	I don't know why, but immigrants love to say that.
	Yeah, hey, Mr. Meester.
	Mister.
	Yeah.
	Mister, you need to wear a mask.
	We can't serve you.
	Right.
	And he goes, fuck you, you guys are all sheep.
	You know, he's like doing that in the store, right?
	I'm sorry, Mister, Mister.
	Right.
	And then he goes, well, I'll buy a mask.
	So he bought a mask and he kind of put it on his face.
	Oh, I hate that.
	Right?
	Like, he put it on an eye.
	One of the straps wasn't even around the ear.
	Yeah.
	He's like, give him my beer.
	Because he was buying beer.
	I'm just sitting there.
	I go, don't say nothing, Bobby.
	You know, like that internal dialogue.
	And so he kind of leaves.
	I order and he stands by the door.
	I don't know why.
	He has a shit.
	Yeah.
	And now what do you feel like he was waiting for?
	Because he was already angry at what the guy who worked there.
	Yeah.
	And that man was Asian?
	No, the Mr. Mr. guy?
	Yeah.
	No, he's Hispanic.
	Why does he sound like that then?
	Well, because I think that, you know what's fucked up when you say they do that though?
	No matter what accent I do, right?
	Hello.
	They go, why are you doing an Asian accent?
	People always do that.
	Oh, yeah, because of my face.
	Yeah, yeah.
	That's true.
	Yeah, so it doesn't matter what I do.
	Yeah, yeah, it could be anybody.
	That's you.
	That's on there.
	Yeah, so Mister Meester, right?
	So then anyway, he waits by the door and I order my shit, the cigarette, I put it in my pocket, and I'm going to the door, and the dude opens the door for me.
	And now his mask is off because he bought his shit already.
	He's like, here you go, sir.
	right now you feel like he was welcoming or he was But then I'm like, no, dude, go ahead.
	No, you go in front of me.
	Right?
	I go, dude, no, bro, you're not wearing a mask.
	I said.
	He goes, I don't have it.
	He goes, I don't have it.
	Like that.
	Right?
	Now, I look at Juliana in the car, and she's just, she has her mask on, but I can see her eyes.
	She's like, what the fuck is going on?
	Right.
	And I go, and then, and then what do I do?
	He goes, it's a hoax.
	You know what I do?
	I lie.
	You lied to him?
	Yeah.
	I go, my friend died from it.
	Oh, damn.
	Right?
	He goes, really?
	Why?
	He goes, I don't have it.
	And then I made up a name.
	I made up a name.
	And I said two first names.
	My friend David Jose.
	That's what I swear to God.
	My friend.
	I said two names.
	First name.
	My friend David Jose died from it.
	He's like, I don't have it.
	I go, go ahead.
	And we're now in a full-blown fight, bro.
	Full-blown fight.
	Juliana's in the car, freaked out, right?
	So he just, he finally relents and he just leaves, right?
	And all the Halloween candy just came out.
	That's the worst time to fight this PBS, dude.
	Right.
	Okay, so then I go outside and I run the car, open it, and then he comes to the car.
	So I remember Juliana trying to figure out how to lock up.
	It was a whole thing.
	He's like, you fucking liberal piece of shit.
	Me, right?
	You fucking, you know what I mean?
	You're a fucking sheep, you know?
	And he kind of looks at my driver's eyes as to see like what my driver.
	More of a silk.
	I wouldn't call you a wool.
	Yeah, yeah.
	There he is, right there.
	David Jose.
	RIV, dude.
	There is a David O'Say.
	Yeah, there is, dude.
	Hello, man.
	So that guy died.
	He died from the COVID.
	But yeah.
	So then I got in the car and drove away, but my adrenaline was rushing, you know?
	And whenever I lie, I feel guilty, man.
	You felt bad about lying to that movie.
	Yeah, why did I even have to say that?
	You know what I mean?
	But I wanted to prove a point.
	But then it's like, you know, then you think to yourself, right?
	Listen, like, what's real?
	Right?
	And then you go back to that movie, The Social Dilemma.
	Did you see it?
	The Social Dilemma?
	Yeah.
	Is it with Jason Bateman?
	What?
	No, no, no.
	Am I thinking of Robert Kane?
	You know what I'm talking about?
	No, I don't know what you're talking about.
	The Social Dilemma?
	Yeah.
	I think you're thinking about the social network.
	No?
	No, I'm trying to think of the movie that I'm thinking of.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Well, I didn't see it.
	I'm going to tell you that it's a Netflix documentary.
	Okay.
	And it's all, you know, how the other day all the celebrities, like, we're not going to be on Instagram and Twitter until, you know what I mean, Facebook changes there, you know.
	But basically, it's how social media, right, has done some good for our country and our world.
	Very little, though.
	People say that a lot, and it's like, people have connected that have never, that haven't talked to each other in years.
	Right.
	It's like organ donors have been found.
	It's like, dude, if you go outside with a decent organ, bro, somebody will find you, dog.
	You know what I'm saying?
	But mostly it's caused polarization in this country and a lot of.
	A lot of hate.
	A lot of hate.
	Yeah.
	And it's so, you know, people say it's Trump.
	It's Trump.
	It's like, it has a lot to do with, you know, social media.
	But so you watch that and you go, holy shit, I'm never going to be on Twitter.
	But I can't stop.
	On Twitter?
	Well, yeah, because all these guys, celebrities are like, they saw the documentary and they're like, we're no longer going to be on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook.
	We're going to protest.
	They're retarded, though.
	What do you mean?
	They're ridiculous.
	They just, they say whatever the next thing they got to do, whatever, it's always the next.
	What do I have to do today to feel like?
	Yeah.
	It's not even, there's just no uniqueness in anymore.
	Yeah, you know, I have a problem with people when they go, because sometimes I'll read a comment and go, Bobby's Hollywood or he's a celebrity.
	When people call you a celebrity, I'll be real.
	You don't feel like one, right?
	No, I don't feel like one.
	I don't either.
	Like, I feel like when people...
	Yeah, I feel like I maybe want to become one.
	You know what I mean?
	But I haven't gotten there yet.
	Well, what are you going to be?
	You're Bobby Lee, man.
	You're not going to be somebody else.
	Yeah, I kind of want to be Bruce Lee or some guy like that.
	No.
	Dude, you're way more.
	Bruce Lee fought.
	You're not a fight.
	You're true.
	But I could fight.
	Dude, you are.
	I could fight.
	Who's that?
	Here's a guy right here, a little white kid that'll fight you, dude.
	Hey, Bobby.
	I've seen Theo who's been doing BJJ lately.
	What are the chances that you join him whenever you're allowed out of the house again?
	And how long do you think it's going to be until you do comedy?
	He said.
	You can fight.
	Can you fight?
	I didn't understand what he was saying, though.
	This is what I heard.
	Okay.
	That's what I fucking heard.
	Dude, that's Charles Dickens, bro.
	Okay.
	I don't even know who that is.
	Is that the guy?
	I think I've heard of him.
	Great-grandson.
	That's Chuck Dick III.
	I don't understand what the fuck he just said.
	Tell me what he said.
	Nick can translate.
	Theo started doing jiu-jitsu, and he's wondering.
	That's hilarious.
	That's hilarious.
	I'm a female straw weight right now.
	It's just funny that you do jiu-jitsu.
	Dude, I am not that good at it.
	Yeah, I can tell.
	And I'm not allowed to.
	Don't do it.
	Stop.
	It's ridiculous.
	Bro, stop.
	Because you're in cahoots with fucking Shaab and Eddie fucking the Twister fucking.
	That guy's insane.
	What's his name?
	Eddie Boham.
	Bryce.
	Mitchell.
	Yeah, Mitchell.
	Eddie Mitchell with the Twister.
	Oh, Bryce Mitchell's a killer, dude.
	Look at you.
	You have a gi and everything, bro.
	Dude, you look ridiculous.
	That gi is stinking up my car right now.
	I know, dude, bro.
	Stop doing it, dude.
	It's a fad.
	I had to stop for a week because some of my ribs got really severely bruised.
	So I've been fighting two women, and I'm almost beating one of them.
	What have you learned to do?
	Because I wrestled in high school.
	Yeah, do you know how long your high school was, dude?
	It was different when you were in high school.
	They didn't even have like, I mean, they didn't have a lot.
	The laws were different.
	I know, but I still know how to do like a double leg, a single leg, and a fireman's.
	Oh, dude, fireman's is out now.
	Are you kidding me?
	It is?
	Yeah, it's fire persons now.
	Okay.
	They changed it.
	They did.
	What can I do now?
	I'll tell you this.
	Like, say if somebody comes running at me and they're going to hit me or attack me, it used to be I would be scared and just run off.
	Now I will let them hit me.
	Ah.
	Because you want to be able to grab them.
	It's just like now it's like, okay, I know there's going to be some confrontation here.
	I'm ready for it.
	That's literally only, that's as far as I've gotten.
	Like, okay, I'm okay right here.
	As before, I'd be in complete fear.
	I would lay on my back and kick at the bottom.
	Yeah, but my question to you, Theo, is when have you ever been attacked?
	You could easily get attacked now.
	Have you seen BLM?
	Have you seen BLM people attacking people that have been appetizers?
	Attacking senior citizens trying to finish a shrimp scampy outside of Baltimore?
	You seen this?
	No, man.
	I don't want to.
	It's going to upset me?
	Huh?
	It's going to upset me?
	No, it's not.
	It's just like angry white people with bullhorns.
	Dude, BLM's got, those rallies have gotten so bad, black people aren't even showing up at them anymore.
	Yeah.
	Black people are like, this shit is lame as fuck, dude.
	Yeah, I just, I, first of all, my girlfriend went to one of those.
	No, no, the protests are, I totally get.
	That's a different thing.
	Oh, I don't know.
	People attacking senior citizens trying to polish off a fucking thing of grilled Brussels sprouts outside of a fucking Dave and Busters.
	Well, there's got to be a reason why they did that, though.
	You know, it's about things where they're chanting and going down the street and then they get angry at people that are eating outdoors.
	Yeah, it's getting, you know, it's like on both sides, it's getting out of hand.
	Oh, dude.
	All those people that are fighting in the park and throwing like water balloons at each other and stuff.
	All of this stuff is not.
	Yeah, this isn't about anything, it feels like to me.
	See, this is where they're just yelling at people that are trying to finish their salad.
	Oh, right.
	Yeah, you know, first of all, you don't even know their backstory.
	Yeah.
	You know, it's like, you know what I mean?
	With one of the white dude could have just got out of fucking the hospital from cancer.
	Right.
	They may have black children at home.
	Right, right.
	And then the woman, right, is has a week to live because she has some sort of weird like skin disease.
	Yeah.
	Right.
	And they're like, let's have one meal together.
	Right.
	It's coronavirus, baby.
	We don't.
	No, let's go to fucking Luigiano's.
	Like, let's risk it.
	I have two T cells left.
	And then all of a sudden, you know what I mean?
	I want to risk them.
	They just ruin their fucking last days on Earth.
	I got two T cells left.
	I want to risk them for this calamari outdoors.
	Yeah.
	a shared plate.
	Yeah, people have to learn how to realize that not every...
	First Agreed.
	Okay?
	It's so complex, right?
	It's crazy.
	What you believe, you know what I mean?
	People's personal lives, it's so intricately complex that there's no way to put people in categories and boxes, right?
	So it's like you can't just make assumptions about things, right?
	And that's where we are in life.
	And I do the same thing.
	Like when I see like, you know, like hardcore right-wing, you know, it's Trump supporters, right, say some fucking crazy things, immediately my reaction is to attack them.
	But then it's like, I have to look back and go, and I'll go on their like Twitter.
	And then they have dogs.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	And anyone, anyone that loves a dog, right, to me is like, you know, has some empathy and love in their heart.
	You know what I mean?
	It's just like, you just don't know.
	That's where we are in the world, so it's like...
	I think a lot of that stuff is just fueling people to be keyed up.
	When I was young, you had to get coked up to go do some trouble.
	Yeah.
	Now people are doing a couple, you know, a couple hot tweets and you're out there fucking throwing an axe at somebody outside of a fucking abandoned Applebee's.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And then it's like people fighting for like these politicians.
	Like, I just, I don't know.
	I never understood going that crazy for politics.
	Just go vote.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And that's all you have to do.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And also, it's like, go vote.
	And it's like, you know, you have to, we have to understand that, like, you know, it's like that you have no real, the only things that you can control are the things that you can do.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	Outcomes you can't control.
	Right.
	It's out of your hands.
	And we worry about these outcomes that we're powerless over.
	Right.
	And like we have some of influence over it.
	Yeah.
	I mean, we do have some.
	I mean, we have the right to vote, and that's going to help.
	Right.
	And then you can, like, if you have a little bit of money, you can, like, donate money to somebody's campaign or whatever you might do.
	And you can also do service work and, you know, head, you know, pygmies deserve to live or whatever.
	You know what I mean?
	Some sort of like, you know.
	Yeah.
	I don't know if that's a thing, but that, you know, but.
	No, something.
	Do something.
	Shit.
	Do something.
	Give these boys something.
	Water for the blind.
	Yeah, yeah.
	But that's all you can do.
	You know what I mean?
	All this other shit.
	Wasting your time.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	That's why I've just been watching Kingdom, man.
	You know, just the other day I switched my cable, turned it off, turned off my cable.
	So now, you know, sometimes I'll go in the living room and just kind of guess what could be happening.
	And the TV's off.
	But what I'm saying is that there's ways you can save money if you want to.
	And one of those ways is policy genius.
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	They've saved their home and auto insurance customers an average of $1,127 a year.
	Who knows what weirdly specific amount they could save you.
	PolicyGenius.com.
	Kingdom.
	Do you watch Kingdom?
	I don't watch it.
	Oh, bro.
	This guy's got a question about something I think you guys have both been watching.
	Could I talk about Kingdom first?
	Yes.
	Yeah.
	Okay, let's listen to this guy.
	Okay, play the guy.
	Big Tiger Valley fan here.
	I'm crossing the tracks, huh?
	You've seen the new reboot, Karate Kid reboot.
	What you think of it?
	And if you would make a guest appearance as Mr. Miyagi.
	Game game, but buzz.
	Thank you for your question, brother.
	I appreciate that, man.
	I appreciate you being obviously this guy.
	I'm going to go out on a limb and say this guy is Filipino or athletic and relaxed Dominican.
	And he wants to know if you'd be Mr. Miyagi.
	And the wildest thing is, Bobby, I thought about that a minute ago.
	I said, I wonder if Bobby's been approached about being going Yagi, going full Yagi.
	It's funny.
	First of all, people do this all the time.
	They go, God, he looks like him, Daddy.
	Sorry.
	Go on.
	First of all, people do this all the time when they go.
	They say stuff like, why weren't you in that?
	Why didn't you do that?
	Yeah, right?
	And you go, like if some movie comes out, like Crazy Regisians.
	People go, hey, why didn't you do that?
	They didn't ask me.
	Right?
	Yeah.
	I want to be in it.
	Yeah.
	People get mad at me.
	Why didn't you do that?
	You should have done that.
	And you go, I did want to do it.
	They don't want me in it.
	You know?
	Or like, people go, like that.
	You should be karate kid.
	Miyagi.
	Yeah.
	First of all, he was like 70 years old when he did it.
	He was 51. Was he really?
	Yeah.
	I could do it.
	I'll do it.
	You would be too goofy, man.
	Why?
	No.
	Ah, you guys very much look very similar.
	And R.I.P.
	him, he died.
	Yeah.
	He died from smoking, huh?
	Well, I heard different stories that he was an alcoholic.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, you know, I have a But there's a funny story about him.
	He used to go to Hawaii all the time, right?
	Yep, the musician.
	Yeah.
	Pat Morita.
	So he used to go to Don Ho shows all the time, but he used to go there to do one joke, right?
	And so Don Ho would, if Don Ho knew Pat Morita was in the audience, Don Ho would stop in the middle of the show and goes, ladies and gentlemen, tiny bubbles to you.
	You know what I mean?
	And people go, yay, right.
	And he goes, my friend is here in the audience.
	He's a good friend of mine.
	He's a celebrity.
	He's one of my best friends in the world.
	Pat Merida, please.
	A light on him, Pat Merida.
	And Don Ho would go, stand up, Pat Merida.
	And Pat Merida's joke would be, I am standing.
	And everyone would laugh.
	But he would only go to do that one joke.
	And then you just get plastered and get blown by Hawaiian women.
	Oh, God.
	You got to love that.
	See, that's awesome, man.
	That's the good old days, man.
	When you would drive, you'd drive four hours to be part of something, you know?
	Yeah, see, I would have loved, dude, back in the day, if you and I came up from the 70s or 80s, dude, and I knew you were doing a show, I would have loved to just go with you because what else is there to do?
	Yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	Go to the movies?
	Yeah, the movies are going to be stuck in there.
	Yeah, so I would just drive and I think people like hung out more back then.
	Yeah, right?
	When things are, everything wasn't recorded, so it didn't, so like everything, like something, there was a value to the moment.
	Like, now there's not as much value to the moment.
	Yeah, it's crazy.
	And I don't know if this is good or bad, but it's crazy to think that like some of the people that have been canceled to wouldn't be canceled.
	You know what I mean?
	Oh, totally.
	Well, I don't know if that's in my head, you know.
	No, it's okay to talk about it.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I mean, say if, you know, you take, you know, half of our friends or anybody from our time who grew up on that movie, almost famous, right?
	That movie is about 16-year-old girls, I think, banging men in a band.
	And kind of chant, like, the movie, it doesn't champion it, but it definitely, like, kind of carries on, like, this is okay.
	Well, I mean, obviously the Rolling Stones and these 70s bands, when they want to go on the road, dude, they would like, like, they're half of our parents.
	I know.
	I was watching that movie once upon a time in Hollywood, and one of the Manson girls was like 16, 17 years old.
	I mean, it's not that, I'm not saying it's right or wrong.
	I'm just saying that back in the day, you know, like, you know, they used to just, rock bands used to just do that.
	They didn't ask for their ID.
	They just, you know what I mean?
	She's hot.
	She has hair on her Jam G, and let's do it.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah.
	And it's like, I'm not saying it's right or wrong.
	It's probably wrong.
	It's wrong.
	Well, it's wrong, but you did it, though.
	It's all, there's, look, there's nuances to everything.
	I remember they had a handicapped guy in our neighborhood who's mentally handicapped, and he used to kind of kiss everybody a little.
	And nobody knew how old he was.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah.
	Did you do it?
	I don't remember if I did or not.
	I probably, I think I hugged him or fucking rode on his shoulders or something.
	You look like something you like to literally lit things on fire growing up, huh?
	I would like light stuff in the yard.
	If we got half like, you know, sometimes we get an extra half gallon of gas or kerosene or something.
	We put it, light the ditch up.
	Do stuff like that.
	My buddy's car one time, we fucking put the tires in kerosene, coated them, and lit them all, and he drove down the street real fast.
	Yeah.
	Should we even be talking about this?
	Because I feel like it's going to get flagged or something on YouTube.
	Oh, no.
	He's still alive.
	No, I mean, talking about this in general, about pedophilia.
	Dude, there's a new TV show about pedophilia where they're dancing.
	If Netflix can air it, man, we can...
	I'm going to say loud and clear right now, I vote no on pedophilia.
	We too, 100%.
	I hate it.
	Hate it.
	Yeah.
	Everybody.
	And I don't care if the person is black or white.
	Nobody should get molested, man.
	What is this?
	Surgeon Material.
	Yeah, Cuties.
	It's a show about 13-year-old kids showing their booties.
	Oh, did they, did they cancel it?
	I don't know.
	No, just a lot of people are canceling their Netflix subscriptions to protest.
	Oh, my God.
	I think Polaroid is so crazy.
	Yeah, but it's also, there does, you know what?
	With all technology, going back to what you were saying, there's a spot where you're like, okay, does this stuff have any of my best interests in it?
	Like, even if you watch the, I saw this documentary last night for about 20 minutes.
	It's about the people.
	It's basically like five Jewish guys that made TikTok and Facebook like button.
	It's like programmers or something, right?
	Yeah.
	And just about the dilemma that they were all facing in dealing with is this ethical or not.
	Yeah, dude, I just, before I was telling you about that documentary, it's the social dilemma.
	That's what you saw.
	Oh, social dilemma.
	Yeah, my bad.
	So you fucking saw it.
	I saw 20 minutes of it, dude.
	Why didn't you just say that?
	I mean, explaining to you what the fuck it is, and then you're like, and then you were like, before.
	Yeah, say it, man.
	Or have Nick bring up a picture.
	What do you think Nick's here for?
	Yeah, but you didn't know what it was called?
	No, I didn't.
	And I did.
	Oh, my bad.
	So you did know.
	Oh, I'll tell you this, bro.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, last time I come to this fucking birthday party.
	Yeah.
	Where I get attacked, bro.
	So let me just tell you about Kingdom.
	I was fucking bringing it up before, right?
	And I just now remembered it.
	Okay?
	Don't get angry, but bro, I've been watching a show on Netflix.
	It's a Korean show.
	It's called Kingdom, bro.
	And you got to watch it, dude.
	It's about fucking Korean zombies back in the day.
	No way.
	Yeah, dude.
	And it's in its second season now, okay?
	Yeah.
	And dude, bro, Korean zombies, they can run far, bro.
	Kozos, they call them.
	Oh, Kozos.
	Yeah, Kozos, dude.
	Do you like watching, did you like watch Game of Thrones or anything like that?
	Yeah, I'm on the fourth season right now.
	You're really watching it?
	Yeah.
	Do you like it?
	It's good, yeah.
	I love it.
	But why the fuck did you wait so long to watch that?
	That's crazy.
	I kind of hold out with a lot of stuff.
	I'm on the first season of The Office that has finished.
	Dude, just two years ago, I watched Serpico.
	No, Cocaine.
	What's that thing?
	Up low.
	Nope.
	No, no.
	Scarface.
	Scarface.
	You just saw Scarface?
	Oh, well, it must be exciting for you.
	That's the thing.
	Everybody sees it, and then everybody's seen it.
	You can never see it for the first time again.
	Fuck TARD.
	Scarface came out in the 70s.
	You wait 40 years?
	And it was good, bro.
	Oh, wow.
	God, now you had never seen Game of Thrones, and you were probably one of those, like, I refuse to watch it.
	Yep, it was like a cell phone to me.
	Yeah, right?
	Right.
	So I'm a cell phone denier, bro.
	Yeah, yeah.
	So now that you watch it, you're going, do you like it?
	Let's rock, baby.
	I'll say this.
	It's good.
	I think a lot of it is not historically accurate.
	That's the part that I have.
	And there's also no black people in it.
	You know what I'm saying?
	If you want to up the ante, throw a couple sisters in that bitch.
	You feel me?
	Yeah.
	They stayed fucking white heavy throughout that thing.
	No, there are.
	Later, I think there are.
	Yeah, there are.
	Well, we need to get to it.
	The Incelli or whatever, I think they're.
	Yeah, that's true.
	It gets a little dark in the desert.
	Yeah, in the desert.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	But Kingdom is like that.
	So Kingdom has that vibe to it.
	But instead of like dragons and shit, there's zombies.
	But it's got like internal strife within the hierarchy of the kingdom and sabotage and all this stuff.
	But dude, it's like – It's on Netflix.
	Just watch the first in the beginning, it's a little boring because it sets things up.
	But the end of the episode, there's some cool shit that goes on.
	If you like zombies and stuff.
	But anyone watching this podcast right now, I readily recommend it.
	I saw the first season.
	It's pretty good.
	I like Korean shit.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah.
	And there's another Korean zombie movie called hashtag alive that I liked as well.
	What about Life of Hachi?
	Have you seen that?
	Bring that up.
	Hachi?
	What's the Life of Hachi?
	No, it's just called Hachi.
	It's a Korean movie about a little animal.
	There you go.
	Okay, first of all.
	First of all, a dog.
	Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
	Hold on.
	All right.
	You just said that it was a Korean movie about an animal.
	Right.
	I look on the fucking poster.
	It's fucking Richard Gere, bro.
	Yeah.
	He ain't Korean.
	And two other white ladies.
	Yeah, but still.
	I bet he's banged a lot of Korean chicks in his day.
	You feel me?
	I know.
	But you think the dog's Korean because his name is Hachi?
	Yes, it is.
	Hachiko.
	Hachiko.
	Japanese.
	Yeah, yeah, Japanese.
	That's not okay.
	Chicken na kiko.
	Dude, but you have to understand, man, coming from a...
	I know that diversity is the new mustard, right?
	I get all that.
	But what I'm telling you is I would say seven out of nine people, if they meet an Asian person, think that they are Chinese or Japanese.
	And the other ones, it's just y'all got to get stronger reps out there, I think, before you start to take some of that freaking name share.
	Yeah.
	Well, I think, but can I just defend that?
	Yeah.
	Please do.
	Yeah, I will.
	Because what you just said was cray cray.
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	And we live now in a, because of the internet, I think people are just more prone to know about that, like, other sects or denominations of Asians.
	Right?
	It's like, you know what a Hmong is?
	How do you know it?
	I know the Hmong because you saw the movie Gran Turismo or whatever that movie was.
	No, I met somebody that was Hmong.
	It's Hmong.
	Hmong.
	Yeah.
	I met them too, and then I didn't even know what the fuck they were.
	And I had to Google that shit.
	But I only know you're Korean because you reminded me the first 20 times that I thought you weren't Korean.
	Yeah, because you kept saying like Chinese and what you just said that Hachi, it's the bullshit you just did just now.
	You like, you know, you've seen this Korean movie, Hachi, and then I look at the dog and it's obviously a Japanese dog.
	And so you were like one of those white dudes when I first met you, right?
	You would go, what's up, China, my Chinese friend?
	Out loud, right?
	Or you'd go, hey, Chop Boy, what's up, Chop Boy?
	Hey, man, get, you know, let's, why don't you, I have a rickshaw.
	What's up?
	Let me get back there.
	It's like, I don't, we don't do that.
	Come and touch my wet market.
	I'm popping.
	Yeah, yeah.
	So I had to keep reminding you for like the first five years I knew you that I was Korean, but it's like there is, you know, a very big difference between all of them, don't you think?
	Yes, I do.
	But imagine this.
	Imagine you're in, let's say, you're in New Jersey, right?
	And you keep yelling at somebody, or say you go to New Jersey, right?
	And you tell somebody there, oh, you're from New York.
	And they're like, no, I'm from New Jersey.
	And they're like, whoa, but what about me?
	I'm from New York.
	And they're like, that's fine, but I just.
	People from New York and New Jersey, they speak the same language.
	Yeah, but it's still.
	They speak the fucking same language, dude.
	What are you fucking talking about?
	It's like saying this.
	You know what's a better person?
	It's like saying someone from Denmark and someone from Belgium.
	Maybe that's a better thing.
	If you look at someone from Denmark and Belgium, I probably wouldn't be able to say that you'd know the difference, right?
	Because they're similar white people, right?
	But they have different languages and different culture.
	Like one makes chocolate, the other one likes, you know what I mean, free marijuana or whatever.
	You know what I mean?
	So my point is that you're right, that's it.
	But for someone from New Jersey and for someone from New York isn't a good fucking analogy.
	Okay.
	God.
	My bad, man.
	They speak the same language, but I'm just saying, imagine being like so upset at a mall because one guy's from Tennessee and one guy's from North Carolina.
	I know, but I think what you don't realize is that when you get that shit every day, though, you know what I mean?
	Every day you wake up.
	The black guy called me the N-word the other day.
	I know.
	I know, but since I was a kid, every single day, you either have to go, someone will come up to you and go, what are you?
	You go, what do you mean?
	I'm a human being.
	No, I mean, like, you know what I mean?
	Right?
	Or the next day, like, hey, Chinese man.
	You know what I mean?
	Make me a fucking Hello Killie doll.
	Yeah, yeah.
	You're like, I don't want to make that, right?
	Make me a railroad or whatever.
	And then the next day, you know, something else happens.
	You know what I mean?
	Someone will just go, China, talk about the fucking dog.
	And then it's like, every day you get that.
	How'd you get into town?
	The river?
	Right, right, right.
	Or then you see, and then, you know, the worst videos is when I see, you know, on YouTube, I saw this guy was interviewing these girls in Vegas, these little girls, like, you know, 20-some.
	And like, would you ever date an Asian man?
	And they were all, oh, gross.
	No way.
	That's the last fucking person we would make out with.
	Right.
	And then you're watching that as, you know, you're watching that.
	You know, you click on it and you watch it and you go, oh, man.
	You know what I mean?
	It just feels bad, bro.
	You know what I mean?
	Or I could see that.
	I've had being poor, kind of.
	But it's like, I've had girls look at me, right, and go, you know, after we had make out or whatever.
	And then they say stuff like, I have to be honest.
	You're like, what?
	I just never, ever, ever, ever thought that I'd ever, ever, ever hook up with an Asian guy.
	Wow.
	And then you just kind of go, there's a part of you that wins.
	When you're Asian, that's a kid.
	yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	Like, I broke that, whatever that rule was.
	Oh, yeah, right.
	But then there's a part of me that goes, it feels bad.
	You know?
	Why bad?
	I always feel like the conqueror.
	You know?
	No, it feels like, you know, that feels like five will goes whap, you know?
	Yeah, but it reminds me of just how difficult it was growing up in this country and just like, you know, like Sadie's Hawkins, I was never asked.
	You know what I mean?
	Me neither, man.
	I never got any girls in high school.
	I had to, and I have to say this out loud, and this is the truth.
	I had to find some sort of fame towards confidence.
	You know what I mean?
	To get out in the market and to get the women.
	Like, you never had a problem.
	I've seen photos of you as a young man, dude.
	Oh, my girlfriend.
	You were cute as fuck, bro.
	But dude, I had severe mental health issues.
	I had dyslexia.
	I had something they called inner dyslexia, which came and kind of came through our area.
	I had they had a fucking, I lived with a buddy who had a fucking gas leak in his house for two years.
	Really?
	Yeah, dude.
	You know, hardest to fucking finish a test when you're asleep.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Like, dude, and people would call us, people would call, like, I used to hang out with the black kids.
	People would call me dark heart, in heart.
	They would call me the N-word and then say heart after it.
	Yeah, yeah.
	They would, people would call me, because my eyes are kind of slanted in, you know?
	All right.
	You have like a, you do look caveman-like.
	Yep.
	Like, from the nose up, very caveman-like.
	They're in right there balling out with a couple of guys.
	Where are you?
	Bottom left.
	That's you, bro?
	Yeah, it's me, player.
	Oh, shit.
	They used to call me Sugar Arms, dog.
	Our team had four kids, dude.
	Right.
	Dude, I used to ride my bike to school about five miles.
	I'd drive through this town, and number 19 would get on my bike, right?
	And make me drive him.
	He was 7'7.
	Let me look.
	I gotta look at that photo.
	I don't think that's you.
	Oh, that's me, player.
	That is you.
	Yeah, dude.
	Look at those beautiful, fucking soft hands, dude.
	Oh, shit.
	And look at the way my arms bear just kind of rest on my leg.
	Yeah, so you grew up with like a lot of diversity and stuff.
	I mean, I grew up with at least these six guys, dude.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	That's a lot, bro.
	These guys were men.
	These guys were grown men.
	How old is that guy?
	That guy looks 42, though.
	That's Don Galatis, bro.
	Do you know him?
	You know him?
	Bro, I knew him for years, and he never said one word to me.
	He was probably 31 years old.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And then he started in Family Matters.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, he always dressed up like Uncle Carl.
	Like Carl Winslow.
	He probably didn't know the guy in back of you, the white dude.
	That guy looks crazy.
	Oh, I know that guy, but he couldn't see very well.
	He had to wear those really thick shades, you know.
	Yeah, I've never seen eyebrows like that before in my life.
	Oh, that guy definitely.
	He would do it all, man.
	Yeah.
	Did you really know him or no?
	Yeah.
	Matthew Shinoverer, beautiful fella.
	You were a skinny dude.
	He's a man of Christ.
	Yeah, man.
	I can't be you.
	I don't think that's you, bro.
	Dog, I don't think that is.
	That's not you, bro.
	I don't think it is either.
	But anyway, number 19, bro, would get onto my bicycle, right?
	Yeah, yeah.
	And when he would see me coming, he would say, here comes the, he would say, the N-word bus.
	He would say, here comes the N-word bus.
	Oh, really?
	And as many black kids as they wanted to would get onto my bike and make me bike them to school, like the little engine that could.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	And I would roll up with like six black guys on my bicycle.
	And all I was trying to do was get to school.
	Literally, it would be an extra seven, probably 800 pounds of young man going into fifth to sixth grade.
	And my legs got jacked, bro.
	I could dunk at one point.
	Well, you could dunk?
	Yep.
	At one point.
	You know, I've never made a basket?
	I knew that.
	Yeah, yeah.
	I've never made a basket.
	No, I have never.
	That's a truth.
	But hold on.
	And what kind of basket are we talking about?
	Because there's no way our Asian audience is believing that you've never made a basket.
	No, I've made baskets like for the river and stuff.
	You can't tell.
	To put fish on, you're right.
	But I've never taken a basketball and thrown it.
	I don't know what that feels like.
	To stick that ball into the hoop.
	I've thrown probably 10,000 in my life.
	I've never made one.
	Damn.
	Yeah, I can't reach it.
	I think I tried to get a ladder once to do it and cheat.
	You know what I mean?
	But like, yeah, yeah.
	But I've never made a basket.
	I've made.
	Yeah, I've never done it.
	Damn.
	Yeah.
	I could see.
	I couldn't see you doing it, actually.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	You have some, like Jeremy Lin that could.
	Yeah.
	Yao Ming obviously could do it.
	You know what I mean?
	But I just never did it.
	It's just not my sport.
	I've never even, I can barely, I've only bounced it twice.
	Yeah.
	Like I can go one, two, and then I'll just lose traction.
	Right.
	It'll just, it'll pop up in the sky.
	Yeah, it's not, I mean, I feel like it's more of a learned environment.
	Now, here's a guy right here who got banned for life from Chinese Basketball Association.
	He put out, oh, here they are.
	He put out on his IG story, Chinese women got cakes on the low.
	Might switch up my stance soon.
	LOL, YOLO, I guess.
	And here he is bending some woman over, some professional lady.
	Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
	So he's in China, plays basketball there.
	Right.
	Wouldn't make the NBA anymore.
	What?
	Used to be in the NBA, but now he's older, so he's playing in China.
	So now he's playing in China.
	And now he's getting some Chinese boom tang, and he's bragging about it, and he got banned from it.
	Yeah, I guess now, what did they think that he was being disrespectful to Chinese women?
	See, that's what I'm talking about.
	You disrespectful to women?
	Pot out, son.
	Yeah.
	Imagine if they did that in America.
	Oh, everyone would be banned.
	Right.
	I mean, every video is like that.
	Right.
	What's fucked about that Is that like, dude, hey, Chinese government, whoever fucking did that, right?
	It's a cultural thing, dude.
	It's not like he's like, it's either he paid for her, right?
	Or that's his woman on the slide.
	Who knows, right?
	Yeah.
	But it's like he can fucking do that.
	I'm not saying he can't, but in China, he can't.
	Yeah, the Chinese are weird.
	No, China don't play any games.
	They don't play any games.
	Dude, when I went to Shanghai, man, they're not playing any games.
	Oh, yeah, you did go to Asia.
	Yeah.
	I went there and did some shows, man.
	I performed for the Asians, man.
	Well, wait, no, you did a show for the military bases, not Asian people.
	No, this was people, right?
	No Pirio.
	Yeah.
	How was it?
	There was a lot of expats, but there was also some Asians.
	I remember a couple, at one of the shows, some women came out trying to be wives, wanting to be wife.
	Yeah.
	Oh, dude, I want to say this.
	So I was on Instagram maybe a month ago, and this pretty hot chick, right, kept text, like, not direct message, because I don't follow her, but it's like she was messaging me, hey, does Theo respond to his messages, direct messages?
	And I didn't respond.
	But she's pretty hot.
	I looked at her fucking thing, and she keeps asking me, like, how do I get a hold of Theo?
	I really need to get a hold of him.
	With fans.
	Look at your eyes.
	What are you doing with your eyes?
	Nothing.
	This is how I look, dude.
	Oh, that's what I'm saying.
	This is how I look.
	I'm just saying, dude, like, you know what I mean?
	Because now I can see, like, you know what I mean, very attractive women trying to claw into your shit.
	Really?
	Well, how does she not just look me up and find me then and say, hey, you know, but do you get a lot of those messages?
	You don't want to talk about this?
	No, no, no.
	I'm fine talking about it.
	What do I get?
	Do you just not respond to them or no?
	Some I respond to, some I don't.
	It's definitely riskier these days after it's like, you know, you just get really scared about somebody sharing like personal communication, you know, somebody recording your screen.
	Even if it's just like, hey, what's up or anything?
	You know, like, can I get your number, this or that?
	You get scared of, I get scared of people like sharing that or like screen grabbing it and like, I don't know, it just feels like, you know, people are going to use it to mess with you.
	I mean, even after what happened with Dalia, like a lot of the stuff that got shared about him, a lot of the stuff that got shared about him, none of it was illegal stuff.
	Yeah, yeah.
	You know, and they just, people, they're like, oh, what about this 22-year-old woman that he was communicating with?
	And you're like, well, that's, there's nothing, you know, it might be a sh that's, you know, there's a difference between being a dog of a man and being a pervert or a criminal, perv.
	What I have to say about him, because I didn't, and I don't want to get in trouble.
	You know, that's the thing.
	I've been pretty silent about, you know, talking about this.
	Yeah, me too.
	But I want to say one thing, which I'm trying to gather words, is that I do the allegations are shocking, but I do have to say that he's just personally one of the nicest, generous, good guys that I've ever met in the business.
	You know, he's him and his family have only been, even, you know, when I was struggling and stuff, the sweetest people.
	And he's only been the sweetest guy, you know.
	And I've not said that out loud.
	And because, you know, we live in a world where, you know, you get this fear that, like, am I going to get canceled too?
	Or and whatnot.
	But I've been also thinking about why can't I say that?
	Yeah.
	Why can't I say that, you know, Chris Dahlia is just one of the nicest guys I've ever met personally in my life?
	You know, I've never seen him do all the things that, you know, he's been accused of doing.
	I don't, and I also, I'm, I also, you know, I'm on the side of always victims.
	You know, I feel, you know, if people have been victimized, but that's not what I'm saying right now.
	All I'm saying is that, you know, that's the thing that I've been scared to say because I don't want people to think that I'm defending him.
	I'm not.
	I'm just saying that, you know, that's what I know of him, that he's just being a good guy.
	Do you have the same experience?
	I mean, Chris has been super nice to me.
	I mean, you know, helpful with work.
	You and him are closer.
	Yeah.
	Because y'all have more of a history together.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	You know?
	Yeah.
	But it's just so uncomfortable to say that because it's like, you know.
	Yeah, and it shouldn't be.
	But it all, like, yeah, it shouldn't mean just because we talk about someone that it means like we don't like support somebody that if somebody was taken advantage of or something.
	Yeah, I don't support the behavior, right?
	That's a the behavior.
	If someone's victimized, you know what I mean?
	I'm not, I'm on their fucking side.
	That's not what I'm talking about.
	I'm just saying that why can't I say to, you know what I mean, that he is just my opinion about him, you know?
	Yeah.
	When people are more than one thing, you know, like people are.
	Like I said before, like people are complex creatures.
	Right.
	It's like when people like.
	Who's that guy?
	He's not here live, but he is a human.
	And I want to add one last thing.
	It's like the same thing as I feel about Carlos Mancia, right?
	And what he went through.
	It's like, you know, I was his opening act when all that shit went down.
	Wow, really?
	Yeah.
	What would you do?
	Did you speak up or do you not speak up?
	No, I fucking cut ties and I fucking ran like a guy.
	Wow, do you feel bad about that now or no?
	You know, there is parts of me that feel bad, but at the time, right, I wasn't, you know, I was a guy trying to make a name for myself.
	Yeah, it's so hard.
	And it's like, I was just trying to, you know, there's a parts of me that are, God, I hate talking about shit like this, but there's parts of me that's, you know, opportunistic, I guess.
	You know, I, you know, I had spent, you know how hard it is in the beginning.
	So I had spent so much time like working on this thing.
	And I just had this fear that I was going to lose everything.
	So I could tie it from him.
	And I read on the internet all these things about him.
	And it is true.
	Did he steal jokes?
	Yeah.
	You know?
	But does that make him evil?
	No.
	Agreed.
	There's part, but he's a good dad.
	You know, he's a lot of things.
	I would have never made it without him.
	He's done so many generous things for me.
	And it's like, would I say that shit around, you know, Rogan?
	No, I don't.
	I keep, you know, that shit doesn't even come up because I know how certain people feel about him.
	You know what I mean?
	But, you know, people are complex creatures, you know, and it's like.
	Yeah, and somehow it seems a lot of times like the media just can say that this person is only one thing and then we they're labeled as that and then and then that's the only thing that they are and it's like it's just so tacky like I think one thing scary it's scary scary dude it's scary true but it's also tacky it's like in a time when we're supposed to be like recognizing that you know people have depth and that people are not just one thing they're
	not just the the color of their skin or just their behavior or just this certain one thing you know that everybody has a redemption you know like it's just yeah also it's like movies that I like are redemption movies right people that made mistakes right and then they are able to at the end of the movie right you know make amends and and to change and to learn that's what life is about is to grow and make mistakes fall learn right and adjust or
	whatever yeah right but we live in a society now is you make one mistake or a series of mistakes you're out forever you're done fuck you and it's crazy because we all make we've all we are all out oh my god i made so many mistakes so many made you know i know this is a comedy podcast you make them right but this is like we i think just there's certain times where we have to be real sometimes we are yeah you know sometimes you have to be real and it's like you know especially
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	slash theo that's right 10 off if you think you need help well check it out i've gotten help for myself and i still continue to go to betterhelp.com slash theo and now back to the episode i just realized last night i'm not living a life i'm not out doing shit you've got to go to Nashville, man.
	It's totally, there's no pandemic there.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	I mean, so you go out and just go to the gym.
	You can go do whatever you want, man.
	Do you wear a mask?
	It's awesome.
	I wear a mask like when I walk into a gas station, you know, so that lady doesn't get mad.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	But I also, I thought, I noticed about a month ago, I started feeling like, are we all just pretending?
	I started getting this weird feeling like, oh, we're pretending.
	Like, there's definitely really something out there, but it's just not as dangerous as we thought.
	Yeah, I mean, because you know how I'm mindful, right?
	Yeah, right.
	But then I found, I discovered somebody that was even more crazy.
	You know what I mean?
	Not crazy, but I invited somebody.
	It's not crazy, but I invited somebody to do my podcast.
	You know, I have in-guests like this.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	But I have a plexiglass up.
	You know what I mean?
	I was the first guest back in the girl.
	Right, right, right.
	And you have to wear a mask when you walk in.
	But then when we shoot, we're 10 feet apart.
	You can take your mask off.
	We give you water or sanitizer or whole thing, right?
	Somebody I asked to do my podcast, and this person goes, nah.
	Zoom or nothing.
	Damn.
	Right?
	And I'm like, you know, Michael Crichton said that to us, dude.
	Am I really?
	Yeah, we told him to take a walk.
	Yes.
	Zoom or nothing.
	It's like, no, I wanted to tell this person, like, no, dude, we're just as fucking paranoid as you are.
	But they're like now that extreme.
	So you just don't know where people stand with this shit, man.
	But it's getting to the point where, you know, like, have you done stand-up?
	Yeah.
	I just got back up.
	Where?
	In Nashville.
	You did.
	I did three sets, yeah.
	You did Zane's?
	Yeah.
	Just 10-minute sets.
	Dude, the first one was so hard.
	Oh, it was?
	I literally got out there.
	Dumb it, dumb.
	And I got up there and backstage would be like, oh, you're going to be finding my head.
	I'm like, no, I'm not.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Yeah.
	And I always listen to my head, unfortunately.
	And so I'm up there, and man, it was scary, man.
	I like did a little, it was almost like I just did little reenactments of whoever I like, whatever my act used to be.
	Right, right, right.
	Because nothing has been super funny to me, really.
	So it's like, it's not like I've been practicing new materials.
	Like people are you've been working on new shit?
	And it's like, where?
	You know, like, the only thing that happened was a black guy called me the freaking N-word.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Did you, now when you did it, did you do all the jokes you used to do?
	Yeah, yeah.
	I threw in one new joke or one thing that I thought was funny, I mentioned, and it did well.
	But otherwise, I'm just kind of working on the old stuff because it's almost like I just need to pick back up where I left off.
	Yeah, I was thinking about doing, like, thinking what it would be like to do stand-up, and I panicked because, number one, I couldn't remember fully how to say any joke, right?
	Like, because it's all about, before I used to do it in repetition, it's like there, but I haven't done it in so long.
	And also, how would I even, I was like practicing in the mirror, like, hey, what's up?
	You know what I mean?
	Good to be here, you know?
	What's going on?
	And then nothing else came out.
	Yeah.
	Was that like that?
	Oh, it was definitely scary.
	And at about three and a half minutes, I said, hey, this is too nerve-wracking for me.
	I'm going to get down.
	No, really?
	And what did the audience laugh?
	Yeah.
	They were just like, no, but did you get out down?
	Yeah.
	I got that.
	Oh, you just bailed in the middle of the set?
	Yeah, yeah.
	Well, there was no time limit on the set.
	The guy was waiting right by the door.
	Yeah, yeah.
	So, and oh, my God, that must have been so.
	It was uncomfortable.
	Was it like now the audience, was it capacity?
	It was 150 people.
	They're at half capacity.
	Half capacity.
	So I have my own show actually this Wednesday night in 48 hours.
	And so I'm in Nashville.
	Oh, you're going back?
	Yep.
	So I'm going to practice over the next two days and watch Mold said.
	And you're going to do 45 minutes?
	Yeah.
	Oh.
	It's scary, though.
	But now I went back two more time and did other, and did a couple stories.
	And so it got better.
	Oh, it did?
	It got better, but there's still a lot of freaking rust for this first show.
	Yeah, because I keep getting invited to do like, hey, you want to do Huntington Beach?
	Yeah.
	Right.
	And it's like.
	Hey, want to come perform in this abandoned crate and barrel?
	It's like, yeah, yeah.
	Fuck no.
	Yeah.
	Or like, even like, I've had friends go, you know, I'm doing a show at my house.
	Yeah.
	For the who?
	Your uncle?
	No, I'm not doing it.
	Right.
	Have you been invited to those weird shows?
	Oh, Ari Manis invites me all the time.
	He's like, hey, you want to come over to my apartment and see who files a molestation charge against me the next day?
	And it's like, no.
	And he changes the name every time.
	It's like his burrito bash.
	He's like, we're having free burritos.
	Somebody stole my snake last time.
	Yeah.
	I just need it.
	I just need it.
	Oh, God.
	You need the real environment, Bobby.
	And that was one thing that was nice was going to a club.
	It was like, I'm not doing this in the back of a Toyota tundra.
	You know what I'm saying?
	I'm not doing this in an abandoned Washington.
	It makes me fucking sweat now.
	Bro, it was nerve-wracking.
	Yeah.
	Because we're storytellers.
	Yeah.
	I'm not a topical.
	I'm not like a guy who every week gets up and has like, oh, here's seven new jokes.
	No, we do evergreen jokes.
	Right, right.
	We do evergreen jokes that like you can tell, you know, five years from now.
	That's what I do.
	Yeah, right.
	Now, I'm going to, when I go off with a new tour, I'll have mostly new stuff.
	But right now, I just got to keep, I got to, you know, but like you have to, you know, call the elephant in the room, right?
	You have to, you can't just go up there and go, anyway, man, I had a rough childhood, man.
	My dad was crazy.
	He had a funny accent.
	You know, you have to talk about the pandemic and what's going on in the world, right?
	I don't know.
	Yeah, you can't just go up on stage and go, like, what's up, everybody?
	Man, it's crazy, man, my relationship.
	Right, man?
	Don't you hate it when women do this and men do that?
	You know what I mean?
	Black people's butts are higher up than white people's butts.
	You know what I mean?
	When they do that kind of joke, you know what I mean?
	Yeah, I guess that's true.
	Yeah, you have to go, man, at least one line referring to.
	You have to say one line referring to what's going on.
	Yeah, I think you could say, yeah, happy pandemic or like.
	Or maybe do a cough and go, oh, sorry, I'm just coughing.
	Yeah.
	I don't know.
	Or Peter Pandemic.
	Is that a new cartoon?
	Yeah, I feel like.
	Yeah.
	Oh, man.
	I'm just like sweating now just even thinking about it.
	But dude, yeah, we shouldn't not be able, we shouldn't be afraid to speak about our friends or people or even like people that have struggled or suffered or like or you know, like anybody.
	We shouldn't be afraid to think to be able to speak out loud about things.
	You know?
	Yeah, it's I don't know what I don't know.
	You know, I don't know.
	Totally.
	You know, what's offensive about it is that, you know, people thinking that I do know, like, you know, first of all, you, here's what I want to say.
	This is the truth.
	All right.
	I don't hang out with you.
	You.
	Yeah.
	Like, I don't.
	In my mind, you do.
	No, no, no, but we don't.
	I have two pictures of you on the wall.
	I know, I know.
	Now, I have fond feelings for you.
	My ex-girlfriend has a picture of you and me on her wall.
	No, really?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I have fond feelings for you.
	And if you died, bro, it would be devastating.
	Yeah.
	But, like, I don't see you.
	Right.
	We talk every other week.
	Right.
	And they're really quick.
	Like, did you get that?
	Yeah.
	No.
	Send it.
	That's pretty much something, right?
	Yeah.
	What you do, you'll text.
	Like, go, what?
	Yeah.
	How is it?
	How is it?
	Are you alive?
	Yeah, right.
	That's the interaction with it.
	If we talk on the phone, which is rare, like even for this, you're going to do it Monday?
	Yeah.
	Bye.
	Yeah.
	You know, it's like, I don't, so, you know, for people to think that.
	It's like, it's almost like spies.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	For people to think that I know what's going on in people's personal lives.
	That's insane.
	I don't know who you're seeing.
	I don't know where you're going.
	I don't know where you've been.
	You know, I don't know who you're talking to.
	I don't know nothing about you.
	Yeah.
	So people, if tomorrow the fucking CNN or somebody said, Theo Vaughn's collecting rats again for fucking puppets, you'd be like, oh, wow.
	Yeah, I'd be like, I didn't know that about him.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, there's like, yeah, like, I've never been over to like Dalia's house.
	You know?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I love Chris.
	I think that he's one of the best comedians.
	I think he's one of the funniest guys of our time.
	Yeah, yeah.
	But I'd never been to three houses.
	He's so intrinsically funny.
	I have been to his latest house.
	I went to one of his houses and he had a pool party.
	And I waited in his pool.
	I didn't get invited to that.
	So that's kind of where he and I. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I was only invited one time.
	Yeah.
	And then I left and he goes, why'd you leave?
	I go, I don't like Cheetos or whatever.
	And he's like, that's all we have.
	You know what I mean?
	And then he never invited me again.
	I went to Dane Cook's house one time.
	Me too, and he bought me a sandwich.
	He did?
	Yeah.
	He had some weird party where it was like me, him, Mark Maron by a swimming pool.
	Just y'all three.
	Yeah, yeah.
	I was like, I don't like this.
	This is not fun at all.
	Imagine being in a fucking pool party with Mark Maron and Dane Cook.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	It's just like, I love that.
	You see Shiloh Booth the other night on this thing?
	Yeah.
	So funny.
	Dane was in that.
	Didn't Dane do it?
	Dane McDead it?
	Yeah, he did do it.
	But is he the one that facilitated it all?
	No, it couldn't be.
	I don't know.
	Did he?
	Was this his charity?
	It was Sean Penn's charity.
	I know that much.
	Oh, it was Sean Penn's the one that came up with it?
	Yeah, it was for his charity.
	Wow.
	That's cool.
	Oh, so he probably needed a comedian.
	And the only comedian.
	Yeah, yeah.
	What?
	Julie Roberts is fine.
	Oh, dude, I would.
	Right?
	Oh.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Dude, I would freaking lick Skittles.
	Let me look at the whole bunch.
	Let me look at...
	All right, so I demo.
	All right, dudes.
	Here's all the people I would hook up with.
	Okay?
	And even the dudes.
	I would hook up with who's the top one?
	Jennifer Aniston?
	Yeah.
	Maybe.
	I'd go Morgan Freeman over her.
	Yeah, no, I would go Morgan.
	They said it would take a man 600 years to get in a rick.
	Right.
	I also would count all his freckles.
	Oh, yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	His chocolate spots?
	Like, you know that he has the stuff that's on his face, like above his pubes.
	So I would dig through his pubes just to count them.
	Oh, you're a dark.
	And that would look up and go, 82. You know what I mean?
	Because I got them all.
	And then I go to Ricky.
	Which is fine.
	I would do Julia.
	What's wrong with me?
	You would do Brad Pitt.
	Huh?
	Would you hook up with Brad?
	No, I would not, dude.
	I would hook up with Julia freaking Roberts, dude.
	And if she ever dies, I will buy one of her bones off of fucking.
	Okay?
	Because she's stunning, bro.
	I'm not hooking up with any of these freaking bottom heaters, John Ledge and Ray Liotta.
	What are they?
	They're not smoking cigarettes anymore.
	Are those freckles on Morgan's face?
	What are they?
	Huh?
	He got them installed, somebody said.
	At a certain point, it became like a thing.
	Right, right.
	And he got those, yeah, he got more spots.
	You know what I would do?
	I would get, you know, if I was black and I could make my face.
	He's a speckled trout.
	I would get his bumps, right?
	But I would get seal scar.
	Ooh.
	Right?
	So I can tell the story.
	I like that.
	Right.
	And then I would like, I'd probably have an eye patch.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And if I was black, I would have a small penis.
	If I could make him just so that it would surprise girls.
	Yeah.
	They go, oh, I thought that.
	You know what I mean?
	I'm like, nah, not this one.
	Dude, you got to get that big Lincoln log.
	You got to get that dark wiener next time.
	Is that Morgan Fiend?
	What is that?
	A statue of him?
	He has dermatosis Papalosa Nigra.
	I don't say Negra ever again, man.
	Don't ever say Negra again, man.
	Yeah, dude.
	That's crazy.
	We're going to say that kind of stuff on here.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Papalosa's Nigra?
	Dude, I just got six months, man.
	Congratulations.
	I worry about you.
	You do?
	Yeah.
	No, you don't.
	I do.
	Do you really?
	Yeah.
	Like the last time...
	There's not a lot of us.
	I mean, I'm going to give you a compliment.
	Alright?
	Can I give you a compliment?
	Yeah, let's be real.
	Yeah.
	I honestly think that you are either at my level or even higher up in terms of artistry.
	I would agree with part of that.
	And comedy.
	Like, that's how I look up to you.
	I think that you have such an interesting voice.
	You and I might be doing this project together.
	It's pretty big.
	We're not going to talk about it now.
	But it's a very big deal.
	Right.
	And when I found out from these two big people, they called me and they go, you and Theo, I was just like, there's not in my mind.
	I'm like, of course it is.
	Right.
	So that being said, you know, I also worry about you too, you know, because I want you here with us.
	Yeah.
	Right.
	And it's like, you know, you and I slipped around the same time.
	Right.
	Yeah, I didn't really, I didn't even talk about it really because I wanted to get six months before I really talked about it.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And so, you know, and then there was a time where I heard, and then you hear rumors.
	Theo was on PCP in Nashville.
	He ran through a wall.
	Right?
	You're like, what?
	He peed on a fucking midget or whatever.
	You know what I mean?
	And so then, like, you hear these stories.
	I installed PVC pipe in a wall.
	That's actually what happened.
	So that's crazy.
	This is how it translates.
	So then, and then it's just happy to, because I don't also, you know, want to pry into your business.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	Because I know that I don't know you.
	I don't even know who you're seeing right now.
	Yeah.
	As a significant other, because I just, you know, that's your business.
	But if you want to tell me, you'll tell me.
	But yeah, I'm happy to hear that, dude.
	You know, that you have.
	How do you feel?
	Thanks, man.
	It was hard, man.
	It was hard to get it.
	It was hard to get it.
	I mean, you know, like, and I just never talk about it that much on the, like, you know, I've always been in the program.
	So I've never, like, the most I've ever gone without a meeting is probably a week.
	But, but, yeah, I just, I was in, in Hawaii, and they, I met this dude at a smoothie shop, this shaman.
	And next thing you know, I'm using DMT, you know, at his house, dude.
	No, is that real?
	And they ran a child care out of there, too, dude.
	No, are you real?
	You did DMT?
	Yeah.
	How was it?
	I mean, I'll tell you this, man.
	I haven't smoked a cigarette since then, which is crazy.
	Really?
	Because it did work.
	I mean, I would like to say, yeah, I have no doubt that it worked, man.
	So then DMT, you did the DMT, and then after that you got sober?
	Yeah, so then I was just like, well, yeah.
	So then whenever I got back home, I just got back into the rhythm of it.
	Yeah.
	Well, I had known, I felt like a little bit before that I was going to drink, you know?
	I just felt I wasn't really doing my program as much as I should.
	I was going to meetings, but not doing it.
	And then I went to Maui and just had me a couple cocktails, man.
	Nothing crazy, really.
	I didn't do anything crazy.
	I never liked drinking.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	So I had just some tequila and water and, you know, over a couple days.
	And then I ran into that man at the smoothie shop.
	His buddy had vitamins, vitamin D3.
	And he hooked me up with a couple of free bottles of vitamins.
	And then he's like, "Hey, you gotta meet my buddy." And then that dude just...
	How do you smoke it?
	What is it?
	Yeah, he had like this kind of little piece.
	It was kind of a like a peace piper kind of thing.
	And you did it.
	Dude, it was crazy.
	And then what does it do with the feeling?
	Here's what happened.
	So basically, the whole way I interact with the world is from through my eyes, ears.
	Okay?
	Suddenly, like...
	Like everything was all just the same thing.
	And a tree, I died, and then a tree grew straight out of my mouth, straight up into the air as high as high as, and it wasn't even the air anymore.
	It was just like this traveling, this portal into like, I don't even know.
	There was no maps.
	It was all a map.
	It was all a map.
	It was all a sound.
	There's no maps?
	There's no, like, all your senses are just one thing.
	Like, um, like right now, I experience the world from me.
	I see, I touch, I have a sense of things.
	But suddenly, I wasn't the main, I could experience everything, but as everything.
	Suddenly, I'm no longer rooted to myself.
	I was just part of it all, man.
	Oh, fuck.
	I was part of it all.
	I was a piece of sunshine, and I was a bucket of sand, and I was a spiritual awakening.
	It was mind-boggling, man.
	It definitely was way relaxing in a sense.
	Like, it took a little bit of pressure off of me.
	But I want to do that thing where they do.
	I mean, what's it called?
	Acapuco?
	What's it called?
	Ayahuasca?
	Ayahuasca.
	I want to do the Akapuko, dude.
	I want to do it.
	I was watching a documentary.
	It's called Unwell.
	It's like a series.
	And people are getting spiritual awakenings from what's it called?
	Ayahuasca.
	Ayahuasca.
	And so then I turned to Kalila and I go, is that a relapse?
	Is it a relapse?
	I mean, it counts as a relapse just because, but I think it's, for me, I think it's how people count their own time.
	Like, I know anybody in the program, most people in the program would say it's a relapse.
	Because I know a dude that has a lot of time and he said to me once, I did ayahuasca like a year ago, but I don't count it as a relapse.
	Right?
	So I'm like, oh, shit.
	Is that allowed?
	I don't know, you know?
	And look, I think all of it comes down to how people have their own program, you know?
	Yeah, because I want to be able to do what you just said, like see through my eyes and be a part of the tree.
	Well, I didn't feel like I was using a drug.
	I felt like I was having a experience.
	Yeah, I want to be a part of the cosmos.
	Yeah.
	Like, I felt like I was using drugs for, hey, I want to get high.
	I want to change how I feel.
	Because you didn't want to probably do it again.
	Like, oh, how do I get more DMT, baby?
	You know what I mean?
	Right?
	It was just like one experience.
	You weren't hooked on it, right?
	No, I wasn't hooked on it.
	So it's like, I want to take ayahuasca and one time and just, you know, experience it and find – Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	You'll be every week.
	Yeah.
	Living at the zoo eating fucking leaves when people come by.
	I'll be taking pictures of you.
	You'll hold on to them and they'll take a picture of you, you know?
	Or I'll have like peacock hairs on my head and I'll be like a shaman.
	Completely naked in the form of peacock feathers and I'll have like red like mascara on and I'll be like, and just speaking some weird language.
	And then like you're going to be like, hey, you want a podcast?
	I'm like, but I'm a bird or whatever.
	I'm your patootary guy.
	You're going to trip out.
	Yeah, so I don't, so I don't know what it's going to do to me, you know?
	But if you're saying that you took DMT and then it was just like chill after that and it helped you get sober, then maybe, you know, are those helped me get off the cigarettes?
	Yeah, they are.
	It helped me get off the cell cells.
	Can I open them?
	I didn't expect it to help me get off cigarettes.
	It just did, man.
	Can I open them?
	And I'll talk more about it on a regular episode.
	I didn't even really mean to bring it up, but no.
	You brought it up whenever I was on your podcast.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	You all bought me gifts?
	Yes.
	Or did you, who bought it?
	Do you bought them?
	Open it.
	I will.
	Thank you, man.
	No one's got me a gift.
	You're lying.
	Kalila, obviously, my niece, and you know what is her mom?
	I love her mom.
	But you know what she got me?
	I'm not complaining.
	Every gift is a good blanket?
	No, she made me rice krispy treats.
	Ooh.
	But come on.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	You don't.
	Do you say thank you?
	I mean, 10 years ago, that was funny.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And then Gilbert, the guys I work with on Pocket, they gave me a video game chair.
	Oh, that's pretty cool.
	Those are dope, man.
	Oh, dude.
	Dope, bro.
	This says...
	Dude.
	This is, dude, I love this.
	Is this a medium?
	Let me see.
	I don't know.
	Thank you so much.
	It'll fit you.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Dude, does Colina wonder one of these?
	Remember I told you?
	Uh-uh.
	Yeah.
	This is from what?
	From the...
	Anyway.
	I messed it up, yeah, but it's from me.
	But yeah, man, I figured you would like that, and I knew you wanted something to sleep in at night.
	So there's something to keep you warm, all this available at Theovon's.
	Dude, this is cool.
	What is this?
	Ratking.
	The Rat King.
	Oh, my God.
	Thank you so much.
	Can you show the camera?
	Can you show the camera?
	Yeah, yeah.
	So I just got the only hope to be.
	I'm going to be wearing this shit, dude.
	Oh, yeah.
	I am going to be wearing this shit.
	I'm sexy in that.
	And again, that's Theovonstore.com.
	Theovonstore.com.
	The Rat King.
	Dope as fuck.
	And you can make it a dress if you want to put it as a belt, too.
	This is dope as fuck, dude.
	Oh, yeah, that's a holiday piece.
	Thank you so much, man.
	Appreciate it.
	You're welcome, man.
	Thanks for coming on, dude.
	Yeah, I'm excited about our project, man.
	It'd be crazy.
	We're talking about what can we talk about.
	I don't know if we can.
	Can we?
	I mean, we have to be creative and because I'm going to be honest with you.
	Can you cut things out?
	Maybe we'll talk about it and then cut it out.
	I'll be honest with you.
	When they contact me, I thought it was a prank.
	You did?
	I don't even know.
	You don't even know what it is?
	No.
	Oh, Nick doesn't.
	What?
	Nick does not know.
	Oh, he doesn't know?
	I mean, I didn't keep it from him for any reason.
	I just never.
	Well, let's just talk about it.
	And then if you want to cut it out, cut it out.
	Okay.
	How long have we done God so far?
	Hour and a half.
	It's good.
	Yeah, is that how it goes?
	I'll just be honest with you.
	I was a little low energy.
	I'm so sorry.
	I had a blast.
	That was fun.
	Yeah, I thought it was a lot of fun, man.
	I'm just going to do it.
	Did you really?
	Because I'm getting paranoid in my head.
	Because I'm trying not to repeat stories.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	All of us do, man.
	It's all.
	It's so hard that, like, I'm like, you can't say that because you already said that this date.
	So it's like, it's a very difficult thing.
	That's where I'm at right now with podcasting.
	It's like.
	It gets tough, man.
	It gets so hard.
	I talk so much that I don't even know what to say anymore.
	Yeah.
	So coming here, I felt bad because I was like, I don't want to let my friend Theo down, but I just was like, you know, I want to be able to deliver.
	You know what sucks about it too is whenever him and I do it together, people online think we're the best together.
	So it's like, I feel the pressure of it too.
	Right.
	So it's not, it's now not fun.
	I'm a fan and I enjoyed this one.
	So yeah, yeah, okay.
	But so anyway, we get a call.
	I got a call from Jay and Mark Dupless.
	You know who they are?
	Puffy J or whatever.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	They did the documentary of the Indian people out in Mexico.
	No, but they also did that one with the – Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	huge.
	Yeah, so they reached out about us doing a...
	And their first comedy they want to put out is a podcast with me and Theo, but it's scripted.
	And it's them.
	Family.
	Yeah, we're brothers in it.
	Yeah.
	And I'm the Asian.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And when they pitched me the idea, I was like, okay, I'm in.
	It wasn't just them, because I'm a huge fan of them, but it's like, I think that, you know, it's new territory, dude.
	Yeah, it would be fun.
	I mean, it would be interesting.
	It would be fun.
	Yeah, I'm liking it.
	I'm working on some of the script stuff now.
	Yeah.
	It's cool.
	Maybe I should get more involved.
	When are you going to move?
	I just got back from Nashville yesterday.
	I've been there for three weeks.
	So you already moved?
	No, no.
	I mean, I'm just there, kind of.
	There's nothing to do here.
	I mean, you know, there's time to spend with you.
	There's time to spend with Brendan.
	There's time to do podcasting.
	You know, I can't go to the gym.
	At least I can go there and women will beat me, you know?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	As I just came back to celebrate your birthday and spend time with you, man.
	That's uncomfortable.
	But are you going to physically move there?
	I don't know.
	You know, I definitely would like to have work be based out of there, I think.
	You know, we're managing it right now and trying to figure it Out, but how are you going to get guests and stuff?
	There's a lot of interesting people there.
	One interesting thing is David Arquette came here for the podcast.
	He lives in Nashville.
	Oh, he does?
	Yeah, which is crazy.
	So it's like we could have done it there.
	Wow, I know Steve Burns moving out there.
	Johnny Galecki lives there.
	Yeah.
	A lot of people know about that.
	Kid Rock.
	Dave Ramsey.
	Dave Ramsey.
	Wow.
	But there's probably tons of people that live there, you know?
	Yeah.
	And also just regular people.
	Like, we're getting a female trucker to come on next week.
	Oh, that's cool.
	We got a young fella right now, an Asian guy, sidekicking in there with us.
	Really?
	On the new episode.
	You want to show him a little clip of old boy.
	Do you go out there?
	Nick came?
	I have, yes.
	I helped him set up a studio.
	It was awesome.
	And like you said, it's pretty normal.
	Colin, can you text me that video?
	Oh, I found it.
	And you might recognize him, young fella.
	And he's Polynesian.
	He's full poly.
	Do you have a lot of body hair rally?
	I don't.
	I would have guessed that, man, honestly.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Do you have any birth defects or anything like that?
	Um, I mean, I'm a musician.
	Like I said, I don't know when you were born.
	Were you missing anything to give any birth defects?
	Indiana, it's Spanish for?
	Indiana?
	Are you good at your age?
	No, not at all.
	And I always wanted to smoke crack when I added information.
	Have you had a high drug experience, Riley?
	I've not.
	I mean, you know, I'm a Christian Eagle Scout, so I'm like the most innocent guy that you will probably ever meet.
	You know, in Bali, they have so many monkeys that a lot of them have gone into bad ones.
	They put them into detention centers.
	Do you support that kind of thing?
	Yeah, I support all monkeys, whether they're bad or not.
	Because Asians, you can't, I mean, you take a razor to an Asian, you'll barely end up with a damn sideburn on the ground.
	They're not hairy people.
	Are they?
	Are the Yokozunas hairy?
	I don't think so.
	Yeah, they don't.
	He doesn't add a game.
	He's just a gadget.
	Look that up, man.
	He's a sidekick, man.
	He's your sidekick?
	Why do you need an Asian sidekick?
	I'm employing you guys, man.
	You know what I'm saying?
	He's Polly, bro.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	He's Polly, man.
	He's from the islands.
	Maybe I'll go out there, you know?
	Well, do you ever go to Zane's or not?
	I heard one time.
	I went there once, and three people showed up on my show.
	What, bro?
	When was all this?
	Every time he referenced a show, nobody was there.
	It was so bad.
	Where if you went anywhere in America, a million people would come up there.
	I went to ask them.
	In fact, they called me like, because Santina was there before the pandemic, and Santina was like, dude, they want you here.
	I'm with the owner or whatever.
	And I go, dude, I sold three tickets last time.
	And then she got on the phone and she goes, oh, that was our bad.
	But I think it'd be different now, babe.
	This is before I went podcasting.
	Okay.
	So if I went now, I would.
	I think.
	When does it end, man?
	What do you think the next step is?
	Really, thank you so much for having me on, man.
	I was a little low energy today, but I did the best I could.
	You know, I'm a friend to you.
	Yeah, dude.
	We're friends, bro.
	Yeah, I friends you, and we together.
	Dude, what if we were brothers?
	Dude.
	Brothers?
	I almost wish that this thing that we're working on could be, you know what I mean?
	I wish.
	Live action.
	Ooh.
	Like real, you know what I mean?
	Like live action.
	Yeah, yeah, dude.
	And let's, yeah, we could be brothers.
	We could own a bakery, huh?
	Yeah, so I want to go to, let's see, I want to go to, let's, when it lightens up a little bit, I want to go to Nashville and visit you.
	Yeah.
	I really do.
	Do you?
	Yeah, you would love that.
	I don't want to stay at your house.
	I'll get a hotel.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, yeah.
	I don't want to stay at your house.
	They have nice hotels there, man.
	They're building a Soho house there.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah, so I'll go to a, so when do you think we're going to have a vaccine or something, whatever?
	I don't know.
	I don't even know who's dying from it.
	I think it's just mostly killing like older people.
	And then I mean, nobody wants to say it, but it's killing mostly Latinos and blacks, you know?
	Yeah.
	That's sad.
	So you guys are doing fine.
	Oh, Tuesday, November 3rd.
	Oh, yeah, Tuesday, November 3rd.
	Yeah.
	All right, I'm there.
	So November 4th, I'll come to Nashville.
	Okay.
	I'll get the vaccine right away.
	Okay.
	But thanks for having me on.
	Dude, thanks for coming.
	Happy birthday.
	Thanks for the happy birthday.
	Honestly, dude, because Kalala won of these.
	Do you remember?
	I called somebody.
	Yeah.
	We got that message, man.
	And I just want to let you know that you were always loved here.
	Dude, we're going to do these forever, dude.
	And if I had a box of love, man, half of it would be yours.
	But when I find it, I'll patch up with you with that little baby sheep.
	There you go, son.
	Now I'm just footing on the breeze.
	And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
	I must be cornerstone.
	Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind.
	I found I can feel it in my poem.
	But it's gonna take for me to step that finger.
	Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song I will sing it just for you And I've been moving well
	Too fast On the runaway train With a heavy load Of my hands Yeah And these wheels that I've been robbing on, they're walls so thin that they're damn near gone.
	I guess now they just weren't built to live.
	Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
	The answer may shock you.
	Sometimes I'll interview my friends, sometimes I won't.
	And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
	You have three new voice messages.
	A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
	I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
	So great.
	Hi, Sweet.
	Is it there?
	Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
	Jamain.
	Hi, I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
	Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
	I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
	Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

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