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Aug. 10, 2020 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

01:19:12

E291 When Flavor Hits

Back from scouting Nashville. A little scared. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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	Yeah, when I was young, it wasn't there.
	I mean, I remember when Butterscotch first hit the scene, and they didn't, it just, people were shocked.
	You know, people, they didn't know what to do.
	I remember, you know, people covering their children's eyes and, you know, people just hanging garlic on their door.
	And people, it just, because it had never been.
	You know, this is back when they only had a certain amount of flavors in existence.
	You know, they had strawberry and they had vanilla.
	They had chocolate.
	Those are easy.
	That's basic.
	That's your natural three.
	You know, and then somebody come along with a mint.
	Somebody come along with a banana.
	And, you know, and then the flavor the palate, you know, the flavor rainbow was getting thicker.
	And then somebody added in, I don't even know what they added in at that point, peanut butter, bacon.
	You know, raspberry.
	Some asshole said, hey, what about raspberry?
	And people said, oh, all right.
	Dang it.
	And things was getting wild.
	And then I remember butter scotch hit.
	And I remember where I was, man.
	I was in second grade and I was in math class and I didn't know what was going on.
	You know, they were talking about, you know, addition and subtraction.
	And I just, I mean, my world was just starting to damn fall apart.
	And somebody handed me one of them, one of them BS's, baby, just wrapped up in a beautiful little cellophane skirt.
	You notice in a little damn plastic straitjacket just sealed off at both ends.
	And I opened that bastard up and I put it in my mouth and I just, it was like somebody had just, I mean, it was butter and scotch, you know, it just, people didn't know.
	Nobody done anything like this.
	You know, maybe you'd seen it written on a toilet wall or something, you know.
	Larry loves butter and Larry loves scotch.
	But you'd never see Larry loves butter.
	You wouldn't see, it just, it just, and then it hit the scene and it was, you know, all the fatties, all the thicket thicks out there wanted that butter.
	And all the drunket drips out there wanted that scotch.
	And you'd see people fist fighting for them.
	You know, you'd see people just beating their damn stepdaddies with a freaking, you know, just beat, you'd see somebody beating somebody else with a damn bike chain for a damn worthers, you know.
	It was just, it was a different time, baby.
	It was a different time, man.
	God is good, brother.
	Let's get into it, gang.
	Let me holler at you, come and step outside.
	You got two dollars, don't you?
	We gon' ride.
	Let me holla at you, step outside Bump in the trunk out the trunk Let's go get drunk outdoors Let me know where the dance floors Let's go get drunk outdoors Now we're cooking with gas on the front burner Hot wind gas station down on the corner Cooking with gas on the front burner
	Come on Bump in the trunk out the trunk Let's go get drunk outdoors Let's go get drunk outdoors Let's go get drunk outdoors If you got
	money, you can get a little bit If you got money, get that hit up If you got money, you can get a little bit If you got money, get that hit up If you got money, get that hit up If you got money, get that hit up If you got money, get that hit up
	Damn, that right there is the North Mississippi All-Stars and a beautiful conglomerate of sound and emotion there called Drunk Outdoors.
	And that is off their album Up and Rolling.
	And they included that.
	They were thinking about us when they put this hit together.
	And I was in a bathroom this weekend and I saw a poster for them on the wall as I was holding my penis and urinating.
	And that's beautiful, man.
	Good to be here with you.
	And it is another week we start just tumbling down the hill, just rattling along the road.
	You know, we are that tumbleweed.
	Heavy on the tumble, baby.
	Heavy on the weed as well.
	And we just keep riding this dirty breeze that is this disease, man, that's doing whatever.
	You know, it's out there lung chasing these senior citizens.
	I mean, you know, a lot of seniors are locked up right now.
	You won't see them as it should be.
	But yeah, where were you when a flavor hit?
	Do you remember?
	Do you remember where you were when you first learned about a flavor?
	Because I remember that butter scotch, baby.
	That thing came across the aisle.
	It had been, you know, probably smuggled into who knows into the country, probably from the Midwest.
	You know, smuggled into the country, but already in the country, you know, kind of deal.
	And it had probably been in six, seven children's hands at school before it hit my hand.
	And I opened that beautiful little brown bitch up, that little mixed mofau.
	You know, and I'd never had anything brown in my mouth, son.
	You know, I was young, you know, and I hit, you know, and I put that thing, and I just didn't, it was just when you first had a taste of something new, you didn't know things could exist, man.
	And every now and then, still, I got to pull my damn car over if I think too much about a word as originals.
	If I think too much about a, you know, a unique type of caramel candy, I got to pull a damn car over.
	You know, take a break.
	You know, maybe listen to a little Jeff Buckley or something.
	I got to pull a car over and relax.
	You know, I miss, sometimes I miss the innovation of being young, of being new in the world.
	Because everything you saw was new.
	You saw somebody, you know, maybe you saw two homeless people, you know, one of them ripping the other one's tooth out out by the donut shop doing bootleg dental.
	But it was beautiful.
	It was new.
	You know, maybe you see a man hugging somebody and his family too hard.
	But, you know, you hadn't, you'd never seen it like that.
	It was new.
	You know, you just, things were different.
	You just, there was, I like the novelty of being youthful and of just of nouveau, of things being exciting.
	There's something beautiful about that.
	Of somebody hitting you with that, with a new taste.
	Here's a spare rib and you're like, well, what is this?
	Is it, you know, I thought it was from the dang Bible when I read it on a menu.
	I said, well, damn, is it, you know, does the church run this place?
	And my mom say, no, this damn Ground Patty Jr.
	This ain't the church don't have nothing to do with this joint.
	You know, just ignorance and dining.
	That's when it all merged.
	What's going on?
	I got back from Nashville.
	I had a nice time.
	Some people say Nashville.
	Some people say Nashville.
	And people that say Nashville are obviously out of their damn tongues, brother.
	You know that.
	But I had a nice time and I went out there to Percy Priest Lake.
	Camping Lake area.
	Kind of place you can go missing easy.
	That kind of joint.
	Went out there swimming.
	I wanted to get in that local water.
	That's the kind of place will cure your jock itch, you know.
	That kind of thing.
	You know, you dip locally, bro.
	Dude, you won't scratch, man.
	Because every June and July, I really come along that southern, you know, that summer, I got that summer scratch going.
	And one half of the inside of my, you know, near my body, near my, you know, near my little, my little life bag, my little hot sack there, you know, near my little, them jolly ranchers, you know, near my nuts.
	And I get jock itch around them.
	And there's no shame in it.
	You know, I told the man about the church.
	I remember when I was probably 24, I told this man, I was in South Carolina, and I went in there to the little booth or whatever, the photo booth or whatever, wherever you tell the man the stuff you've been doing that's wrong.
	And I said, damn, baby boy.
	You know, I didn't say it just like that, but I said, you know, DBB, you know, Your Honor.
	I said, I've been, I've been having, you know, jockage.
	You know what I'm saying?
	I've been scratching right around the old devil's appendix, man, my nuts.
	And, man, I think, honestly, I think the guy wanted to see my damn nuts, dude.
	It was, I mean, you know, some of these, you know, some of these churches, when you get really, when you stop by in the daytime, that's when the real shady stuff can happen.
	But yeah, I had a beautiful time in Nashville, man.
	You know, went swimming out there at Percy Priest State Park.
	I walk up and some lady just sitting in a little folding chair just yelling at all, some lady, yelling at some kid named Audrey.
	Audrey!
	Audrey!
	And there was a little breeze.
	I don't think the woman could tell there was a breeze coming in off the lake, just pointing right at her mouth.
	So all her words were not going very far.
	And this lady must have yelled Audrey 200 times.
	Audrey!
	Audrey!
	Get off Audrey!
	And little Audrey, bruh, look, I ain't saying she gonna live a wild life, but this little bitch didn't give a dang, bruh.
	Lil Audrey didn't give a S-H-I-T, baby boy.
	Audrey, get over Audrey!
	And this little smokestack, this little Lady, she was puffing on it, you know, she was, you know, just locomotiving on the back end of that Winston, baby, just hitting that sucker hard.
	And it was nice, man.
	I had a nice time over there.
	Met this white guy stopped by and he let me drive a nice, he had a real cool truck, an old truck.
	This thing got it kind of made, it's not really painted, but it's almost like they just rub the rust right onto the sides of it and it just, you know, kind of thing.
	you got to get a tetanus shot if you want to switch into third gear.
	You know, one of those old trucks.
	And yeah, just enjoyed myself, man.
	Really enjoyed myself.
	What else did I do?
	Oh, man.
	Oh, this was the worst, dude.
	I hit a, you know, I hit a dog with my car.
	At night, I hit an animal, you know, a little animal, you know, a fast little animal, a dog.
	You've seen, you know, a dog.
	And that, dude, I'm driving, right?
	And I'm not under the influence of anything except being a little too emotional, bro.
	And, you know, being maybe a little bit of a bitch sometimes.
	And, you know, I can't find my retainer.
	I haven't been able to find it for about a month.
	So that's the only things I'm really under the influence of.
	And this dog, this white dog, comes running.
	I mean, galloping, really.
	I mean, it almost looked like a real fast little pony.
	You know, real, just, you know, just like a damn, like America's fastest little pony.
	Like one, almost like one of them little Japanese animals you see on the Instagram when they giving them pills over there in Japan and getting them doped up.
	And a little, you know, they got a little cat or a little tiger, a little Bishon or something, got his tongue hanging out of his mouth.
	And they got to squeeze his neck real hard to get his eyes open.
	You know, and they say he's a, you know, oh, he's a miracle animal or something.
	You know, oh, he's a, you know, everybody loves him.
	Yeah, but he don't have any feeling in his body.
	You know what I'm saying?
	That little thing is, you know, he's on so many somas, you know, he's on so many Perco sets.
	This little damn animal, little Mickey or whatever his name was, little NJ or whatever they call him.
	But anyway, sorry.
	So this dog comes just running, and then I slam on the brakes.
	And it was over, they had like a greyhound station over there, and I couldn't see at first.
	I mean, the dog was, it was in front of my car, and I hit, you know, and I hit it, man.
	I didn't hit it, but I hit, I slammed on my brakes.
	I didn't feel anything.
	I didn't feel a thump or a hit or anything, man.
	And I just was frozen in my car.
	And then two people came running up.
	You know, this one guy, kind of a kind of chocolatey kind of guy.
	And then this other lady, more of a Rubin-esque kind of white lady.
	You know, kind of lady, looked like, you know, and she didn't have a lot of teeth.
	I will say that.
	I'm not judging her.
	You know, you don't need teeth.
	A lot of people, teeth is overrated.
	You know, teeth is something that's a delicacy according to this gal.
	You know, she didn't have any teeth.
	She didn't have them.
	I don't know who had them, but she, you know, she didn't.
	And anyway, so they start yelling.
	They say, back up, back the truck up.
	And man, I'm just spoo.
	I'm just scared, man.
	I'm just sitting there.
	So I back up about five feet, and I'm in like an intersection.
	It's not real busy, but I'm around maybe sixth and MLK Jr.
	Boulevard.
	And then I see the dog, and he's laying there, and he was like a little pit bull kind of dog.
	And he just wasn't moving or anything.
	And so I didn't know what to do, man.
	And next thing you know, the lady's over by the window, this lady, and she kind of, she reminded me of like Grover or like Oscar to Grouch or something a little, but kind of sexier, but also, you know, Greyhound sexy kind of, you know, kind of lady that, you know, she probably had skin cancer, bruh.
	I'll be honest with you.
	You know, if I had to guess, dude.
	Anyway, man, so she starts saying, oh, he needs CPR.
	He needs CPR.
	Then other people are starting to migrate over from the bus station.
	It's right there.
	So then this other lady says, I'll do CPR for $80.
	And I'm like, what?
	You know, I'm thinking that, you know, this is some kind of a scam or something.
	But the dog is, I mean, I saw the dog running.
	There's no way I don't think they could get the dog to lay there and pretend that, you know, I don't know.
	So anyway, I gave the lady the $80.
	She started doing CPR on the dog.
	And they couldn't get it.
	They couldn't get it to breathe, man.
	And this is sad, man.
	The whole thing was sad and it happened fast.
	And then the lady, you know, she was just so angry at me.
	And man, there was nothing I could have done.
	Like, I'd never seen a dog running this fast.
	It was just galloping.
	Like, it was just in a damn contest or something.
	Like a, you know, just like a damn, like a little, like a galloping contest or something, you know, of quickness.
	You know, like it had been going to quickness classes and this was its, you know, midterm.
	And that bat, you know, that little beautiful animal, it uh, anyway, I don't, so she starts getting upset and I don't know what she's yelling either.
	You know, she kind of had like a kind of like a puppet.
	You know, sometimes if someone doesn't have any teeth in their mouth, you get a vibe that they have that they seem like a puppet.
	You know, because a lot of puppets, they don't put teeth in their mouth.
	It's just cloth and just somebody's hand under, you know, behind it and under it.
	And so she said, that's how she was.
	She was coming at me and kind of, you know, getting squirrely a little.
	And she said she needed money for a new dog.
	and I gave her 60 bucks.
	I dropped that hard 60 on her and I left, man.
	And I saw they had an officer there on the corner, and I asked him, you know, what do I do?
	You know, I paid for the CPR.
	I gave, you know, I gave 60 for the next, you know, for some animal, a new animal.
	And he said, look, man, it wasn't your fault.
	You know, he did help me feel a little bit more chill about it.
	He said it wasn't your fault.
	But man, that shit hurt my, that hurt me.
	You know, and I've had bad luck, man.
	I hit a dog.
	I was late for work one time, and I hit a dog over there.
	I was supposed to be at the seafood joint.
	And I showed up late, and I was crying, and they fucking fired me.
	You know?
	And they had some hot bitches that worked over there, to be honest with you.
	No offense.
	You know, bitches.
	But they had, you know, some real fucking leg over there.
	So anyway, man, sorry, I'm just, I'm horny and I'm, you know, thinking about the past at the same time.
	But what else happened, dude?
	Oh, so yeah, so the officers say, you know, it didn't look like you could have done anything.
	And they shouldn't have that dog down here unleashed.
	And, man, I'd never seen, this may have been the fastest animal, you know, this Santa's little helper, man.
	And, man, it just, you know, and I had another issue when I was working on a farm a long time ago.
	I backed over a deer with a bush hog.
	And I, man, and that, I'll never forget the sound of that, man.
	So I'm sorry, man.
	I'm not, you know, I'm learning to love animals more as I get more adult.
	You know, I don't have any issues with animals.
	I have had extrenuous, poor luck around animals and around, you know, animals that are trying to live longer than, I guess, whatever.
	You know, I just, I'm not help.
	When it comes to animals being alive, I don't, you know, I don't do, I don't, I'm not helpful, I guess.
	But otherwise, you know, I had a beautiful time in Tennessee, man.
	It just, it just was a way more relaxing environment.
	You know, kind of hopping around and, man, just beautiful.
	You get outside of the city and you see, you're driving through these neighborhoods and you just, you see a house that is look like, damn, you know, like, it just looks like a Marvin Gardens or something.
	You know, it just looks real, a lot of fancy stuff.
	A lot of old school looking white houses too, man.
	Like kind of real slavey type of vibe, a little bit of them.
	You know, some of that's, you know, it's a little too much, but that's just, you know, that's, I mean, that's just kind of history kind of stuff.
	But yeah, you see somehow you're like, well, it just, you know, we should, we got to do something to future it up a little bit.
	You see some old school historical joints out there.
	But that was that, man.
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	But my, how times have changed.
	You know, nowadays you'll take a little machine and put it right up next to your wiener, right up next to your pecker, you know, next to your body meat, bruh.
	That spitter.
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	You couldn't even carve your wiener off if you wanted to.
	Praise God, baby.
	You know, when I used to live in Mississippi, I worked on a farm over there outside of Natchez, Mississippi, and they had a fellow up there, and his family ran the Ramada up there.
	And he was high on drugs and took his own penis off one time at a barbecue when he was high on LSD.
	Sweeney, they called him.
	Sweeney was his name, and they eventually called him Noweenie Sweeney when he took that sucker off, bro.
	Went one for one, 100% batting at his own crotch, bro.
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	Oh man.
	You know, oh, I got to tell you how much time right now I have no smoking.
	Man, I'm grateful for this.
	Y'all going to be shocked right now.
	I have five months, three days, and 17 hours.
	Cigarette free.
	And sometimes I want one of them bastards, man.
	Sometimes I want that little snake tail, bruh.
	Satan's little freaking walking stick, bruh.
	That cigarette.
	You know?
	Mother nature's dirty little dick, bruh.
	That cigarette.
	But I'm five months clear off of them.
	And I will say this, it's nice not to feel like I need to have one a lot of times.
	That is pretty nice.
	Now, what I'm only 24 hours off of is, well, let's take this call right here.
	And this fella will kind of get into this topic a little bit right here.
	Onward.
	What's up, Theo?
	This is Joe from Apopka, Florida.
	What's up, Joey?
	Down there in Florida.
	And Florida, you know, if there's a place you want to run, you want to hide.
	You know, Florida is it.
	A lot of criminals at the top.
	Criminals throughout.
	But it's really, it gets real country up at the top, and then it gets a little more Latino, and then it gets fully homoerotic down there by Key West.
	Or K-Dub, they call it.
	Or Gay-Dub, they call it down there.
	And shout out, too, to my little god cousin, Dylan.
	And he just came out the closet and his dad took his truck away for two weeks.
	And that's where, you know, that's why, you know, it's, I think, I mean, it's, you know, that can happen.
	You tell dad you're gay.
	He says, well, all right.
	You're going to lose that truck for two weeks, Bucko.
	You're going to think about this.
	So that shit is baffling.
	But shout out Dylan, my little God cousin, hitting them Ubers, bruh.
	And hitting them wieners out there, bruh.
	Live your life, little daddy, you know?
	And, you know, hopefully after the two weeks, you know, you get your truck back and you and your dad can see eye to eye and everything will be, you know, moving forward.
	But that's wild, isn't it?
	Imagine you told your dad you're gay or something and he goes, well, oh, all right, you gay, buddy?
	Okay?
	Let's see you be gay without that truck.
	Okay?
	Let's see you be gay without that truck.
	So that's the most, that's the most rural shit I've ever heard, man.
	You come out the closet, you lose your truck for two weeks, man.
	PG, baby.
	Prajorda.
	Let's get this call anyway that came in here right here.
	And the audio is a little bit low on this sucker.
	I don't know what's going on.
	What's up, Dio?
	This is Joe from Apopka, Florida.
	I've been struggling, man.
	Trying to stay away from that single-player devil's intercourse.
	You feel me?
	Talking about that jacking off, buddy.
	Oh, yeah, I feel you, man.
	Yeah, I feel you, man.
	Baiting your own branch.
	You know, hunting butter with your hand, bro.
	I feel you, man.
	I feel you.
	I got about...
	I got about 17 hours of no masturbation right now.
	Let's hear more.
	Sorry I interrupted you, man.
	Trying to stay away from it, man.
	I have a girlfriend, and they're room with a lot of stuff in the bedroom.
	You feel me?
	What do you do?
	What should I do to stay away from that shit, man?
	Because it's coming for me, bro.
	I feel the dark arts coming for me.
	Let me know.
	Oh, hell yeah, man.
	And you can even, I'll listen one more time.
	You can hear a dog in the background there.
	Bro, I feel the dark arts coming for me.
	Right there.
	Let me know.
	Right there.
	Yeah, man.
	Well, it's hard.
	You know, and I appreciate you calling and sharing it, you know, and bringing it up, man.
	That's the hardest thing I've found.
	You know, it's so hard to stop touching your own penis, you know, because it's hooked to you.
	You know, it's hooked to you.
	It's like tying a biscuit right to the side of a fat fella's head, man.
	You know.
	And there's unlimited joy in your own penis.
	That's, that's, you know, I respect what God does, but at a certain point, he could have, you know, he could have scaled back.
	He could have took a couple scoops of joy out of your wiener.
	But he didn't, man.
	He was just shoveling in the joy into your own, you know, your body dick, man, your penis.
	And it's too much.
	And here's the crazy thing about masturbation and trying not to do it.
	God gave you two hands.
	You could break one of your hands and still jerk off completely fine, brother.
	Still touch yourself completely fine.
	And I feel you, man.
	I mean, sometimes it feels like the devil himself picks my hands up and puts them onto my stick, man, my little body gun.
	My dick.
	And I hate it, man.
	You know, I've been masturbating for 20 years, brother.
	I mean, if I'd have put that time into the piano, bruh.
	If I'd have put that time into learning the French horn or learning how to do, you know, do yuggling or whatever.
	Magic.
	Actually, I'd probably rather just jerk off than no magic, though.
	That's crazy.
	But, man, I wish I had a, you know, I wish I had a way for you right now.
	Because I don't like doing it.
	That's the thing.
	That's my thing.
	I'd rather save up that nut, you know, that bust.
	I'd rather corral that energy and just feel the fish just swimming against the dam.
	You know, because that's my energy.
	That's my solidity, man.
	That's my chief.
	And here I am just, you know.
	I mean, imagine if you, you know, you punched a hole in the front of your gas tank while you're driving.
	It'd be stupid.
	So I feel you, man, especially if you got a girlfriend and stuff, just do your best.
	I think some meditation helps.
	And just try and maybe even share with your girl.
	Say, look, I want to say, look, I want to apologize if we haven't been sexual because I've been struggling with this.
	Because, man, I've struggled with a lot over the years.
	You know, I used to, I'd set a date up, have an excitement for a date one evening, and then I'd jerk off at 6.30.
	And we supposed to meet at quarter to 8. I call at 7 and I say, I can't make it.
	I'm sick or something.
	But the truth was, you know, if I've already masturbated, I don't care if it's Christmas.
	You know, it's like all of my intrigue, all of my excitement, all of my hope and possibility, it's all just gnarled up in there in my chi and backed up in my little body nuggets, man.
	My scroda, my nuts.
	So, but, you know, talking about it, the first thing that's important and I'm going to try, I'm going to see what I can do, man, because I want to, you know, there was a time there where I was really trying to have nocturnal emissions.
	You know, hunting that night bust.
	And I want to get back there.
	Because when you bust in a dream, man, that's something bigger than you.
	You know, that's something bigger than all of us.
	You know, that's really, that's when we win.
	I feel like, man.
	So best of luck to you, man.
	This episode, I want to let you know, is brought to you by Blue Chew.
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	We had some neat calls that came in.
	You know, I was thinking this weekend, man.
	I was, you know, recently in my life, I've been really stuck on just the fear side of things.
	Just really living from a place of fear.
	You know, afraid to kind of make a choice, afraid to speak, afraid to.
	You know, there's just so much fear, I think, out there in the air right now that I notice it for myself.
	It's starting to infect the other areas of my body and my life, my action.
	You know, I'm so scared to be, to try something, to do something, to take an action.
	You know, I'm so comfortable.
	I'm so, I'm just trying to stay comfortable.
	And what I'm missing out on, I realize, is the opportunity for adventure, you know, for possibility.
	You know, I was over there in Tennessee this weekend and Nashville is beautiful, man.
	And I start thinking, well, what would it be like if I spent time here, if I, you know, was back and forth between the two coasts?
	And, you know, what would it be like?
	You know, it's like, and then I just start to be like, oh, I can't imagine.
	Like, you know, I'd have to find this would be new.
	I'd need to get a new vehicle.
	I need to get a new home.
	I need to get, you know, all these things, these, you know, all these things I need to do.
	You know, all these fears really.
	And I look at them as fears.
	I look at them as fears instead of as opportunities.
	Instead of saying, oh, man, this could be exciting.
	I would get to do, I get to do that.
	I get to do this.
	I get to, you know, I get to see that.
	I get to imagine what it's going to.
	Instead, I'm like, oh, man, I have to do this.
	You know, what about, oh, and just, I just realized so much of my life I live in the fear side.
	You know, and I approach a lot of my days and my moments like that.
	Whether I'm considering a new city or whether I'm considering even dating.
	You know, I go into dating like that.
	Oh, man, you know, I don't even give things a chance to be love or to be bigger than just a couple dates or just a flyby night or a little touchy.
	You know, I don't really give things the opportunity.
	It's just too, I just stay in the safety.
	And I'm just, I just realize like, man, just how much possibility I miss out on.
	You know, and just how much, yeah, just how much difference.
	You know, how just the risk of kind of letting go of the shore and just seeing what any of the rapids are.
	You know, I don't know how somehow along the way in my life, I just got more, I just got comfortable with playing it safe.
	And I think that's fine.
	You know, I think it's fine to play it safe.
	I just, you know, I can play it safe when I'm back in the ether.
	You know, I can play it safe when I'm back in the palm of God's hand or in the ball sack of the great maker.
	You know, I'm out here and so often I just get stuck.
	You know, I just don't want to I just hold on to the branches of comfort so much.
	And I didn't even, it's just before I even go into things, like I'll go, I'll see, you know, I'll stand right there and look at the rapids and say how exciting they are.
	But so rarely am I willing to just really let, just see what something new could be like.
	Yeah, I just noticed that this weekend, or this past week, because I had so much fear just being in a new place and thinking about just new opportunity.
	I leaned more into the fear instead of the possibility.
	Yeah, it's like I'm afraid of, I'm almost afraid of just trusting life.
	You know, I'm afraid of just trusting like a higher power, just trusting that there's something new out there, that there's just, I don't know, I can't explain it a little.
	I'm just, I just, I always hedge my bets.
	And some of that's smart.
	But man, they're just how freeing it would feel to just say, you know what, I'm going to see what comes.
	You know, I'm going to lean into the wind and not into the cliffside, you know, not into the rock.
	I'm going to lean into the I don't know and not be as safe.
	Because I need excitement.
	I need, I need, it's just, it's such the juice that this whole guava is based on, man.
	Is that, you know, is just taking a chance sometimes and being a little risque, man.
	Yeah, I'm not, I don't, I don't, I just, I guess I started to feel kind of disappointed when I was like, man, I went to Nashville, I checked it out, I Was I was excited, and then I got home and I started to feel scared.
	I started to feel like, oh man, but everything's going okay here.
	And it's like, yeah, but maybe everything's going to be okay no matter what.
	Maybe this will be maybe something I need a challenge.
	You know, I used to love the challenge so much.
	I used to love to show the world I'm going to do something.
	And somehow I got so set in the safety that the feeling I only even know sometimes is the feeling of the net against my back, you know.
	That safety.
	Man, just to, I only, you know, I got so accustomed to these training wheels that I just have lost some of the muscle that it, that amazing muscle of balance, of balancing yourself as you ride.
	We got some calls that came in, man.
	Let's get into one or two of them.
	Let me see what we got here.
	Here we go right here.
	Hi, Theo.
	My name's Justin Cart from Nashville, Tennessee.
	What's up, Justin?
	I was just in your area, brother.
	And you have a beautiful area down there.
	A lot of trees, water, everything, man.
	You know, electricity, everything.
	Baby, do it.
	Just calling because this past weekend, me and a bunch of friends of mine went and camped out at the Tennessee River.
	Unfortunately, one of our friends took his own life a couple months back.
	And we all just now got to do the memorial because of the COVID pushing everything back.
	And I just wanted to say that if anyone out there is like going through some shit and like don't think they can talk to anybody, man, just reach out to someone, man, because your boys and your family, everyone's going to miss you if something happens.
	And no one likes that, man.
	And man, everyone's going to take care of yourself.
	Look out for everyone you love.
	Gang, gang.
	Amen, man.
	Thank you for that.
	I'm sorry to hear about your friend.
	Yeah, there's a lot of, you know, I've worried recently a lot about, you know, a lot of my friends who were struggling with addiction, they can't get help right now.
	You know, a lot of the AA rooms have shut down during this.
	You know, there used to be meetings all the time.
	And now if somebody's struggling that, you know, those meetings aren't there.
	And it's just so, I mean, I don't know what's worse.
	I can't imagine what's worse.
	I would personally rather take the risk of dying of the disease than not having AA rooms be open.
	You know, I have one buddy, man, he's been struggling so hard, you know, going on benders for weeks at a time.
	And I just keep telling him, hey, man, just hold on.
	You know, just because there's not these in-person meetings.
	The Zoom meetings aren't the same.
	And so it's, you know, just so many levels that people are being affected by the separation of humanity.
	You know, we need each other.
	That's why we got arms to re, you know, to hug, to tickle.
	You know, to pat that tit, baby.
	That's why we have the reachers because we got to feel something.
	And this gentleman called with another line.
	Here we go.
	Sorry, man.
	I forgot to add one thing.
	This is Justin again.
	But after our memorial service, we went back to our campsite.
	And, you know, we all had a, got a little baggie of our boys, our boys' remains.
	We got some ashes, you know.
	Oh, yeah.
	That death dust, baby.
	Oh, yeah, baby.
	God's eight balls, son, onward.
	We came back to the campsite, rolled up a little duty, sprinkled our boy on that, a little bit of a boy on that.
	Blowed him up to the sky, man.
	He hit good, though.
	But he made the joint run, but I kind of figured he would.
	Amen, man.
	And that's one way to do it.
	That's Native American.
	Smoking your friend's body parts, you know?
	You know, cooking your buddy up straight into your lungs.
	That's Native American.
	There's no other, you know, that's how you do it.
	Put your buddy, bowl him up, smoke him out, you know.
	Oh, we're cooking up Lil Randall right now.
	You know, we cooking up a little bowl of Steven, R.I.P.
	Steven.
	You know, I remember we smoked up, we had a dude named Lester, bro, and we smoked his little ass.
	He was real small.
	You know, he was just a pony of a man.
	And we cooked his little ass up and smoked him out of an apple.
	Praise God, man, back in the day.
	And that's Native American.
	You know, anybody could bury their friend and do, you know, let's put him up there over by the hill by the haunted house.
	Let's do that.
	You know, anybody could have their friend cremated and nothing.
	Let's throw him out of this, you know, let's throw him off the parking garage of this crown, this crown plaza hotel out here near Dayton.
	But to really celebrate somebody, if you want to get back into the old ways, you got a body, you know, you take a sack of that body dust, sprinkle it into a little graham dish, bro, and cook that bad bastard out.
	You know, R.I.P.
	Barbara, you know.
	You know, give me look past it, you know, past that freaking little that John.
	Past that John of Lil Henry's little ass.
	And that's a way to show respect.
	That's called respect.
	So, but I'm glad that you guys enjoyed it, man.
	You know, it's funny.
	You want to take care of yourself.
	You want to go into the world smelling good, feeling good.
	You know, you want to go into the world with creams and solutions on your skin that elevate you, that let people know, hey, this guy's a professional.
	This guy don't want to smell like junk.
	This guy don't want to look like junk.
	He wants to be special.
	Well, that's why I want to let you know about Hawthorne and why you should give it a try.
	Hawthorne has a website you can go to and you take a quiz, a brief quiz that they have set up.
	And they'll let you know what type of smell-good potions and feel-good potions are right for your style of human.
	You know, they ask you how many times, you know, how busy are you?
	What kind of hairstyle you got?
	Do you have a mustache?
	Basic things that'll help them figure you out.
	And next thing you know, they hit you with some easy-to-buy online, luxurious scented goods.
	Yep.
	Do you wear old spice?
	Well, that's got to change.
	Do you wear CK1 from high school?
	That's got to change.
	You're going to get the scents that Hawthorne suggests.
	They'll give you one for work and one for play.
	No one else has such personalized products.
	All you do, take a quick two-minute survey and Hawthorne tells you the two colognes that are best for you.
	And I said survey, I mean quiz.
	It's risk-free with free shipping and free returns.
	See how it works.
	Throw a dab on your neck.
	Put a little batch on your back.
	See if things change for you.
	Check out Hawthorne.co.
	That's Hawthorne with an E. And use my promo code Theo to get 10% off your first purchase.
	That's H-A-W-T-H-O-R-N-E dot CO.
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	Hawthorne.co.
	Smell good.
	Get the accoutrements.
	You know, different people make different choices for their bodies.
	We had a call that came in right here.
	Let's hear it.
	Hey, CO.
	How you doing, man?
	My name's Jesse.
	I was a United States Mariner.
	I was a mariner for about five years.
	I just recently got out, man.
	Calling in for some advice.
	My dad called me the other day.
	He owns a strain of motels over there in Flint, Michigan.
	He's been in the hotel business my whole life.
	Oh, yeah.
	Over there in Flint, baby, those dirty water motels.
	You know?
	Those brackish little bed shops, baby, onward.
	He was telling me he wants to get a low back tattoo.
	Ooh.
	Dude, I'm going to tell you, man, you can't.
	You can do what you want, but you also can't get a low back tattoo if you are a man.
	Okay?
	This ain't the future.
	This is right now.
	And that right there is a gateway drug to homosexuality and probably prison time.
	And it's fine if those are the things you're looking for.
	But if you're just looking to do a little snazzy body art, you don't get a lower back tattoo.
	Especially if you slang in hotel rooms, man.
	You're going to have a couple fellas trying to sleep up in your ass, brother, onward.
	Being a straight single, man.
	I told him I wouldn't recommend getting anything tattooed on your lower back as a straight man.
	But, you know, he's my dad.
	I want to respect him.
	I wanted to hear him out.
	And he said, well, son, I want to get the hotel logo tattooed on my low back.
	Well, look, man, you know what, actually, bruh?
	Get it.
	I say you get, dude, get two flames coming off the side, coming right around to his hips.
	The end of the flames is ending right down towards his nuts.
	Get that.
	Get a big, huge banana right up and down his spine, man.
	And get the hotel or whatever it is, Ramada, you know?
	Jerry's tight stay right there above his ass.
	Get that?
	Do him right.
	Treat your daddy right.
	What am I talking?
	Why am I saying no?
	When I should be saying yes, lean into the fun.
	That's why.
	Too much I'm telling, don't do it.
	Don't lean into the fun.
	Take a chance.
	Rent your daddy a nice brother with that big body hammer for tonight.
	You know, big Stanley.
	Big Stanley the stallion.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Get your daddy dick down properly.
	Out there.
	Let him live his life.
	I'm sorry I said no.
	I am sorry that I said no, brother.
	Go on and get it.
	And I hope your dad does it all.
	I hope he does it damn all, dude.
	And I hope he probably does oral.
	You know, live a little.
	PC, baby, praise Christ.
	Let's take another call, man, right here.
	What's going on, Theo?
	This is Billy Marshall out of Delray Beach, Florida.
	Billy Marshall.
	And man, I fell in love one time with a girl from Delray Beach, and I met her on Twitter.
	And we texted and sexted and everything.
	Sent drawings of my dick and everything to her.
	And she would, you know, tell me what her breast felt like and everything and describe it and send me, you know, little envelopes and stuff like that with perfume on the cotton and all of that.
	And we texted for months and months and months.
	And finally we saw each other and we just, it was just, it was bafflingly bad.
	We could not get along for shit.
	So anyway, onward, brother.
	And today was one of the craziest days I ever had at work.
	I started working at this pest control company in February.
	Okay, pest control.
	And we need it, man.
	I'd love to see a real little rodeo man out there just corralling roaches.
	You know, somebody on a Quidditch broom just chasing a bunch of bees, trying to get them bastards to chill out, trying to keep them away from a picnic.
	We need pest control.
	We need somebody out there wrangling these thoughts out there.
	You know, corralling these bitches into an urban outfitters or something and helping keep the world tight.
	Onward?
	And today, they're like, all right, go out to the property and go around the buildings and put your rat baits out, the contract with Lumatrac, if you know what that is.
	Oh, yeah, man.
	Killing rats, bro.
	And it's, look, when you come to the rat king and you're talking about killing rats, man, you got a lot of nerve.
	But I respect your position, Homeward.
	You're on the touch control.
	But anyways, I'm doing the box, and after I do the box, I look up and I see 10 sharpshooters looking right at me with their rifles aimed right at me.
	I was like, I looked at them.
	I said, what?
	And they waved me over.
	I walked over to them.
	They said, there's a bomb in that building.
	And I changed the bait.
	Law, the bomb.
	The bomb didn't end up going off, but the bomb squad was there.
	And I changed the bait.
	And then the bomb squad got me.
	But, man.
	That's one of those things, too.
	I was high on marijuana.
	Like, that was an interesting experience, high on marijuana.
	And there we go, right there.
	And that's the truth of it all.
	Is that pot can be a gateway drug, man, to bombings.
	You do a little weed and somebody blows up your fucking cousin, bro.
	You know, you get high and suddenly you think they got a, you know, somebody taped a bunch of C4 up under your Silverado.
	So it's, I've been high enough where I feel like somebody's trying to bomb me, but to just be high and then they, and there's real bombs, that's some fuck, that's awesome, dude.
	Dude, I remember the drug dogs would come to school and they would come smell everybody in the class and they said they were smelling if you had any weed on you, they would know.
	And I remember raising my hand and I said, well, what if you're just high?
	Will they know that?
	And the teacher and the police officers were not happy about that.
	Because I didn't have any weed on me, bro, but I had that shit in my brain.
	You know that.
	So what else is going on, man?
	What else?
	They had some neat calls came in.
	All right, let's get into this last call here.
	As always, the hotline, 985-664-9503.
	Thank you guys for being a part of this episode.
	We have some new items, too.
	New merch items that are pretty neat.
	We got those hot hose hit shirts featuring your boy Lil Daniel out there.
	And some other new items, some fresh Rat King Vermin with the Sermon hitters.
	And you can check all those out at TheoVonStore.com, I believe, or through TheoVon.com.
	And thank everybody for supporting this podcast and for being a part of my life.
	You know, I can't wait till the world opens up and I can get back to telling jokes.
	And thanks for just bearing with me, you know, and we bear with each other.
	It's been a tough time, man.
	It's been tough to stay in the joy.
	You know, there's a lot of things out there trying to divide us.
	You know, trying to divide people by easy things.
	But, you know, we got to refuse to let them do that.
	You know, and we have to refuse to do that for ourselves, you know.
	You know, I accept that challenge.
	I'm not going to let things, if I can't help it, I'm going to work harder to not let things take that love out of me.
	You know, I'm going to lean into the things that are tough and just put, you know, spread a couple of damn pints of joy jam on my shoulders and just lean head into it and see if I can't sweeten the deal that way.
	Let's take one more call that happened right here.
	Here we go, gang.
	Hey, man, my name is Blake.
	I was just wanting to call.
	I had some things to get off my mind.
	Thanks for calling, Blake.
	Onward.
	My girlfriend just passed away of an overdose like Sunday night.
	Man, I'm sorry to hear that, man.
	I'm really sorry to hear that.
	Onward?
	You know, I was awake crying all night.
	And your podcast came out, and at the end, Evan Barcelona's song was on a thousand times.
	And I don't know, man.
	It seems like it put everything, you know, in the right perspective.
	Like it was like I've got to go on and continue with life and make her proud.
	Because that's what, you know, that's what I imagine she would want to be, and that's what I would want to hear if I was in her position.
	And, yeah, I'm just, yeah.
	It's been a kind of rough couple days, man.
	He did a really good job of bringing people that down in any kind of way.
	You bring their spirits up.
	Just because I believe it's because you've been there.
	You've been through a shitty time before, and you've been through shitty times before, and you know that you don't want other people to feel like you did.
	I think that's great, man.
	Love you, man.
	Gang, gang.
	Love you too, bro.
	Thanks for the nice words, man.
	Sorry.
	I'm so sorry to hear about your girlfriend, man.
	You know, I'm sorry to hear about that.
	You know, addiction, that's powerful, man.
	It's scary.
	And, you know, she didn't want that.
	She didn't want, you know, she didn't want to be addicted.
	You know, it's a real, I mean, it is a real, it's a real dirty Batman that's out there, man, addiction.
	But thank you for just sharing what's going on with us, man.
	I think that reminds us.
	And, you know, I don't want to be, you know, I don't want this to be like a downer type thing.
	It's just this is a reminder that life is a gift, that this is a fragile bridge we're walking on.
	Thank you.
	You know that this is a limited time offer.
	And that we have to make the most of it.
	And that it's time to lean in to life.
	It's time to lean into life for all the risk and for all the reward, you know.
	Thank you.
	You know, that's what it is.
	It is a chance for us to feel risk and to experience it.
	And whether that risk is falling in love or trying a new job or trying a new skill or, you know, those are the those are the those are the gifts, man.
	Those are the those those are the that's the purpose of it.
	You know, if I just stand the whole time and I just stand in the safety of it all, then I'm not really getting the most out of this vessel.
	And I'm not trying to preach at you.
	I'm just trying to remind myself, you know, just not to be afraid to try something new.
	Not to be afraid to walk into a relationship with the possibility of it being more.
	You know, I'm just trying to remind myself not to be afraid to live, man.
	To make mistakes and to make non-mistakes, whatever those are called, okay things.
	But either way, just not to be afraid just to live.
	But I'm sorry to hear about your girl and thank you for the nice words, man.
	I don't know what I'm doing ever.
	But being alive, it's not easy.
	But I think it can be easier if I'm just not that afraid sometimes.
	And it sounds like that she would want you to be the type of person that just goes onward, brother.
	Anyway, I didn't mean to, you know, and look, you could always put her in a joint like your boys and them.
	You know, you could always roll up a J of your lady and huff down and get gassed out.
	Praise God, brother.
	We're going to finish up.
	We'll finish up right here.
	Actually, this man is out of Nashville now by way of Nebraska, and we'll finish up with some of his song right there, and we'll play it for you and for your girl as her spirit goes on, man.
	You know, because I do believe that this life here is just a park.
	This is just a parking spot on a really, really wild ride.
	And we can do nothing with it, or we could put the tailgate down or the sunroof open and just live it up.
	You know, make the most out of this parking lot.
	Or you could park in a handicap spot illegally and play it safe, man.
	And I know we need a little bit of both, but man, I'm ready to take this placard, this fake handicap placard off of my dang thing and start to just live a little, baby.
	Thank you for anybody that called in and that was supportive of the podcast this weekend.
	If anybody out there is going through a tough time, you know, just know that you're not alone and that people are thinking of you.
	And I'm going to do, let's just do our best to go out in the world and be a part of other people's joy.
	You know, what happens if you show up to work tomorrow with a gift for everybody?
	Or with a different attitude?
	What happens if you show up tomorrow for the boss that you hate and you get him something nice?
	You get him a little necklace or something.
	Or get him a little, you know, a thing of saltwater tappies or something from the zoo?
	You know what happens, man?
	What happens if I show up to my life with a different vibe?
	You know, what happens if instead of coming in every day with a sword, I show up with a damn hug gun and just start just slanging hugs, baby.
	Just double arming them efforts.
	This is Evan Bartels with a thousand times.
	You guys be good to yourself, man.
	deserve it, guy.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	And I'm sorry, there's a little...
	There's a little...
	Well, this ain't sad, it's just a little beautiful, man.
	It's a little beautiful.
	I could see the rain coming from a hundred miles away, baptizing empty skyline with the hope of better days.
	And I tell myself this will all be fine And I watch you from a window Outbuilt inside my mind I wonder who I
	am, the way I am Every man that's walking Will fall from time to time Every time I feel the thunder I remember I'm just a child I would die a thousand times Before I ever let you
	down guitar solo And next week, we're going to ring all our single moms that we've, you know, kept up with over the years and just do a check-in with them.
	You know, we want to see what it's like for them as they start to send the kiddos back to school and just get a couple of takes on it, man.
	You know, and check in with them magical women, man.
	You know, check in with them beautiful Mietches that are the single mothers that keep a lot of us going over the years and have done so.
	Gang right there.
	know that.
	T4TLI ain't worth the trouble that they cause you so happy.
	I ain't burning the candle at both ends I just throw the whole damn thing to the fire And I tell myself this will all be fine I would die a thousand times Before I
	ever let you down I wish it was easier I wish it was easier
	I wish I had to kill I would die a thousand times waiter
	land you down and that is Evan Bartells right there off his EP Promised Land and you can purchase that album there on iTunes or check it out how you however you do music.
	Evan Bartells.
	A beautiful song, man.
	You know, a beautiful song.
	You guys be good.
	Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
	The answer may shock you.
	Sometimes I'll interview my friends, sometimes I won't.
	And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
	You have three new voice messages.
	A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
	I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
	So great.
	Aye, Sui.
	Is it Dale?
	Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
	Jamain.
	Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
	I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
	Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

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