Theo talks about a misunderstanding with a stranger and some of his fears of moving, and gives some suggestions to a man who doesn't know where to get his information from and a young man who thinks he damaged his relationship with his mother by smoking weed.
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Producer Nick
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How are you?
Check.
We are recording here and camera going and going.
Excelente.
And that means excellent.
In Spanish, you know, that's one of the easy ones.
There's harder ones.
Pelligroso.
And that means danger in Spanish.
So it gets trickier, you know, the closer you get to Spain, really.
You know, I made a mistake.
I saw a man the other day, and he was in a, in a, he had a hat on, right?
You know, he had that brim.
And so I went up and it said Mariners, you know, and so I said, oh, you know, are you a big fan?
You know, I said, unfortunately, you guys are one of the only teams never to win the pennant, you know, the championship, the major league championship.
And he just looked, he said, excuse me?
I said, you know, you guys are one of the, you know, Seattle.
You guys are one of the only teams, you know, to never win it.
It's unfortunate.
And he's just, you know, I said, you know, I was a Saints fan and they didn't win it for 30 years.
And, you know, I know your pain a little.
And I said, you know, and he's just kind of looking at me weird.
I said, you know, I love itchy row.
And I always have, really.
You know, enjoyed itchy row Suzuki.
If you've seen him or if you haven't, he is a man.
And I'm not going to, you know, racially profile him, but, you know, he could be Bobby Lee's daddy.
I'll say that.
You know, you wouldn't be surprised if you looked up the Sung Sang dynasty and he was in one of the arts.
You know, one of the drawings or whatever.
But, you know, I said I love Dichiro.
You know, Tino Martinez.
I'm rattling off different Mariners players.
And he's like, what are you?
And at this point, I can tell he's getting a little upset.
And I started to think something was wrong.
I started to feel high, honestly.
And he's like, well, what in the fuck are you talking about?
I said, the Mariners.
And I pointed at his hat and it said Marines on it.
And I mean, just damn, you know?
Just.
Nothing, there's something when you ask a member of an armed force, you know, when you ask a man who is a, you know, a warrior, who's traveled to other lands, you know, to, you know, to fight and, you know, try and, you know, hook up with women on his off days and, you know, or be secretly in love with men or whatever, you know, a military.
When you ask a man like that and you just repeatedly kind of accuse him of being a Seattle Mariners fan, it's, well, it's not something you want to do.
Let's crack into a tune or two.
That one, nah, let's try a different one here.
These are summertime melodies, you know, beats.
Here we go.
Music And this has that little summertime vibe, kind of.
Maybe you and your lady taking a walk by the lake or by a drainage canal or something, you know.
You and your lady splitting a piece of nicarette out there.
You look out and you see something in the water.
Music by Ben Thede There you go.
And that's beautiful right there.
That's Embrace Me Summertime by Isobel Walton.
And that is supposed to be a damn summertime kind of tune, melody, you know, something to just, you know, just give your ears a little bit of Halloween, you know, just something, you know, to somebody.
You know, my mother used to have a friend that would come over sometime and I don't know if he was a friend as much as he was just somebody that was trying to, you know, have sex with my mother.
And he used to do this little thing.
He'd put a tic-tac in his ear and then turn his head and make it go in there.
And, you know, I don't know.
I mean, honestly, I have no idea if the man ever really got it out or not, but shout out the Marines and the Seattle Mariners and do not make that mistake.
Here's one.
Oh, yeah, now this that country time lemonade kind of vibe I Oh yeah, this is definitely a couple white guys maybe split a piece of uh, you know, Viagra Blue Chew gum, you know.
that wiener gong And they're both, now it's a threesome.
They're both banging in, you know, just hammering into a young woman they've both known for a long time.
*music*
A woman who is willing to be in this.
She's enjoying it.
Everybody's doing good.
There they go.
Couple youngsters.
Getting that sex in, maybe doing a little bit of fucking right there.
Okay.
And that's some good music right there.
It is July 27th.
And it is the year 2020.
In case the aliens have heard, you know, have lumbered upon this.
You know, in case the vessel that is current society ends up in the, you know, if the realm closes and everything ends and the vessel that we are on just Titanics into the past.
And one day an alien, you know, some little sneaky ass alien, because you know how some of them are.
You know, he's probably doing a little bit of space coke or something.
Busting a gram of damn, you know, moon ketamine or something.
And he lumbers over and cracks open the time capsule that was 2020.
Maybe this will fall right out onto him.
You know?
Maybe King Griffey Jr. will join the Marines.
What's happening, man?
What have I been doing?
I helped somebody move today.
And that shit will get you.
You know, there's a thing, a service called Task Rabbit.
You put in something you want on there.
You want somebody to do something and they'll see if they'll do it.
You know, oh, Hank will do it for $40.
You put whatever.
Get me a dessert, you know, or, you know, stand in line at the DMV.
You know, fucking tickle my cousin.
Do whatever.
Do something.
You know, and you get that subordinate.
It's somebody that'll come.
They'll do it.
You know, it's anything called Task Rabbit.
It's an app.
It's an application on your iPhone.
You get that sucker.
And you say, look, you know, I want a man to, you know, fill his mouth with lump crab meat and run around a damn, you know, indoor track.
All right.
You know, Reginald, he'll do it for $40, man.
And it's just, you can get anything.
I want somebody, I mean, I think it's nothing sexual you can't get, but you could get anything else.
I want somebody to come over here and hug me.
You know, $7, $8.
Just different options, man.
They got a lot of options on there.
So I used that task rabbit, found a man to help.
And next thing you know, I got a nice new lamp.
Dropped a sofa off by my friend's house.
She decided she didn't want it after we moved her sofa out.
So then we had to go back, me and this task rabbit, this man named Andrew.
And he was tall.
This man probably damn, I mean, I'd be crazy to say nine feet, but I'd be dishonest if I said he was anything under 8-1.
This 8-1 fella.
I mean, this guy probably had a wiener on him like a damn, you know, he had a wiener that I bet would eat a worm if you fed it to it.
That kind of guy, you know, just a real.
He got that Olympic wiener.
You know, you put his wiener, you know, behind something, it'll jump over it.
That kind of, I mean, when you got that much body and that my, you know, 8-1, your dick will do a stunt.
Yo, dick will do a stunt.
And that's really, there's nothing wrong with that.
Yeah, so I helped some moving.
Oh, they had a rally not far from my place today, a protest.
And pretty cool to see, you know.
I mean, I'm all about people actively expressing their, you know, their disdain and their discomfort.
You know, people just putting their voice out in there and creating a fire with their throats and with their emotions.
I mean, at some points, it gets wild, too.
I mean, a lot of these protests have turned into just photo opportunities.
You know, little Dorothy's out there showing her, you know, showing her coochie to a damn you know to a fireman and they take a picture and say oh Dorothy's you know she's gonna save Antarctica and you're like uh I don't know You know Dorothy's gonna get some damn probably some creosote in her in her crea crotch man she's gonna get some you know she gonna end up with some damn you know a
secondhand disease I mean it's just dangerous you know you open your vagina up there out on a damn busy intersection you know shit gets dangerous it's just a lot of people out there now just looking for photo opportunities I find you know what's the best angle how can I get this thing that makes me look great and makes police or makes firemen or even anybody look bad I saw one person look like they had a fake fireman out there with them you know and
they were not tickling him but kind of trying to look like they were getting in a fight or somebody really just look like look like somebody was just kind of tickling a fat cop which that's something they should do every now and then get the fattest cop out and let everybody tickle him a little I'm not saying that will calm or quell the the some of the anarchy but I think it'll it will put a it'll help a little you
know if you saw a bunch of real dark hands tickling a fat cop that's gonna that's gonna set everybody a little bit at ease I think but um yeah what did I I saw something where some Antifa members you know someone had put on their job application that they served two years in Antifa and that they were in two battles I'm like frigging battles it
was like yeah you know I you know I served under the under the watch of milkshake 47 as we commandeered a DSW shoes you know you may know me from some of my work you know there's a Snapchat video of me beating a small business owner like I don't think you can put that on your job application oh yeah you may know me um I was I you know I
was in I served in Antifa for for for two weeks you know I I started a fire outside of an abandoned Toys R Us so you know there's definitely some Snapchats of my work just like what the F?
What the F's?
What the F's?
What else, man?
What else is going on?
Things are going on.
It's summertime.
It's summertime.
It's a time for love.
I do know that.
Yeah, watched a little bit of baseball.
What else?
You know, I didn't do too much.
Went for a couple runs.
You know, I'm going to go to Nashville next weekend, I believe.
You know, and go be around there for about a week just to kind of see what's cracking.
You know, see what's going on and get a vibe.
Waiting to hear back on the animated cartoon.
You know, we took a pitch out, like pitching out to networks for the Saturday morning tunes, you know, that are on Instagram.
And so we finally got a good package to take out a real cartoon.
We've been taking it out and I've been getting some response from a couple spots.
So I'll keep you guys posted on how that's going.
But thank you so much over time for just supporting the cartoons and just the ability to be able to do that.
You know, that never would have happened if it weren't for this podcast making these, you know, these cartoons.
And I'm a little scary because, you know, sometimes you take on a lot of burr.
You know, when you take things into Hollywood, it can get a little strange.
But hopefully we'll be able to just end up making something that's fun and have an opportunity.
You know, we're trying our best.
So I do want to let you know that.
I also want to let you know that today's episode is brought to you by Raycon.
And they have earbuds.
You know, there's a lot of them.
I mean, everybody nowadays has something in their ears.
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You know, a long time ago, I mean, I don't even know if hearing has always been around.
I mean, I wonder what senses came first.
You know, that's a good question.
And I don't even think the Bible really gets into that.
I don't think, you know, science, which is basically just, you know, kind of like an updated Bible kind of, I don't even think they get into that.
You know, what was the first sense?
I wonder which one it was.
I wonder what we need, you know, what, probably touch.
You got to have that touch, you know?
You got to be able to touch something, man.
Cup a tit, you know?
Get a berry, get a grapefruit.
Do something, get something.
You know, I remember a couple years ago, a friend of mine told me that he was, you know, in love with men.
And I had assumed, I don't know if I knew it, I had thought he probably might have been.
Or either that or I just thought this dude never going to get a woman acting the way he does.
You know, because he's acting really, you know, tender, kind of soft-spoken in the dick.
You feel me?
Like that.
And he told me, he said, hey, man, I got to tell you something.
You know, he said, I'm gay, you know?
And I said, damn, buddy, you know?
And I said that in my head.
I didn't know what to say outside of me.
I didn't know what to use.
I just, I didn't know.
And I remember, like almost as a just a reflex, I remember taking, I remember taking my fingers and putting them in his mouth or my mouth.
Was it my mouth?
I don't remember whose mouth it was, man.
I just remember my fingers got kind of wet and I just didn't know what to do, dude.
I just, I'd never, you know, I'd never been there on the front lines of, you know, kind of man to, you know, you know, men-only kind of sexual communication.
But anyway, yeah, what else, man?
You know, just getting through it.
I'm getting through it.
You know, these cases keep going up.
You know, every time you turn around, somebody got this and a new case.
You know, 40,000 people dying.
Like, what?
Wait, I just, but maybe they are.
And they always are blaming like a party on the news.
You know, they didn't say any of the, remember, that was a crazy thing.
They didn't, no one said, oh, it's the, you know, at the protest, people, it's happening at the protests.
It's fine.
But just say the truth.
That, you know, if hundreds of thousands of people get together in the street to share their voices, then somebody going to get a disease, man.
That's easy.
You know, I'm not even good at math.
I'll tell you that.
But all the news is like, oh, some guy had a party.
You know, some guy had a party outside of Siesta Key, you know?
Oh, people are getting it.
Lance had a party.
It's like, you think everybody got it from Lance's party?
No.
It happened with the protests, man.
Which is fine.
I'm not blaming the protests.
I'm not saying the protests are wrong, anything like that.
I'm just saying, why can't we just have the facts?
You know, I think a lot of people can live with the fact, oh, well, people wanted to, you know, express their freedom of speech.
So, you know, in their right to, you know, to, you know, they wanted to express their voice and people got the disease, man.
So.
But what else, man?
We got some cool calls that came in.
We got, you know, we're getting through another episode.
We had Big Tim Dylan in.
God, that guy.
He, he's just like a turnback of the clock.
If you listen to his podcast, it reminds me of a Rush Limbaugh type of guy.
He kind of takes you back to another time.
Let's play a little of this.
Let's play a little of this.
Oh, we already heard that one.
That's Summertime Forgets by Midnight.
Let's hear this one.
Summertime Nights by More Than Family.
Oh, this is nice.
You put the kids to bed, you know, or one kid if you only have one.
Then you and the missus kind of snuggle up.
Maybe an episode of 48 Hours comes on and you've had a couple beers, baby say, you're hard, you know that.
or your semi-hard, which is the best you can get.
And then both y'all, you fall asleep on the couch and your wife just goes to bed without you.
There you go.
That's it.
That's how it works.
We got some great video calls that came in.
And you can submit those through the website theovon.com.
We have a great new website that you should go check out.
Let me get to one of those right now.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Oh, hold on.
A little bit.
do a little bit of this and that.
I just want to start by saying I love everything that you and your whole crew do.
Everything from this past weekend to the fighter and the kid, tiger belly, tiger pit.
I love all you guys.
Oh, thank you.
And this is a young fellow.
This is a ginger gentleman right here.
And his name is Larry Ritchie.
Go on, brother.
But my question comes this week from the fact I grew up with grandparents, and they've always been behind the times.
And I've always felt like that wore off on me.
And I started watching you guys' show at the beginning of the pandemic to try and get an idea of like, you know, like this is what's normal, you know.
But I still feel like I'm really in the dark about everything.
So I guess my question for you is, how does someone stay informed during these times, you know, to everything that's really going on?
All right.
Stay safe out there.
Gang, gang, Larry.
I appreciate that, man.
How do you stay informed?
And he had a dog at the end there that felt uncomfortable.
You could hear a little bit of that.
Let's go back and listen to that dog.
Really going on.
All right.
Stay safe out there.
Gang, gang.
And let's hear the dog one more time.
To everything that's really going on.
So, well, first of all, you got to listen to that animal.
If you got an animal in front of you going through a tough time, man, you need to do something.
Put your fingers in its mouth or put your fingers in your mouth, brother.
Thank you for calling, Larry, and sending this video.
How do you stay informed?
I think you got to just trust your instincts.
That's one thing that I think we're getting back to.
The news has jumped the shark.
The news isn't even as reliable as the most ignorant person you knew.
They have some video and audio proof.
That's it.
But I think a lot of it is just trusting your instincts.
And it's almost kind of nice that the news has burnt itself out.
You know, it's almost kind of nice because it's like, oh, okay, here's something else.
Here's something that I know I don't need.
I believe that if people, if you're really, if you are making a point to get that news all the time, we have to be careful that we're not just getting it to fire us up.
Because I noticed it for myself, man, last week I got into it and it fires me up.
But it's not my fire.
I'm transporting somebody else's heat.
You know, I'm just, I'm not.
And I think, you know, and also just listening to yourself.
Check in with yourself.
Focus on your surroundings.
See what's going on.
You know, that's how you stay informed, man.
I think getting, you know, the thing we really need to listen to the most right now is ourselves.
You know, I do believe that our hearts will lead us into the best.
That's the best.
The best MSNBC is right in the middle of our chest, man.
Listen to your heart.
Remember that song, baby?
Listen to your heart.
There's always that like big jack dude that gets up at karaoke.
And he always will get, listen to your heart.
That's what I wanted to do.
Listen to your heart.
And people are like, damn, this guy is going to be lonely for a long time, baby.
Thank you, Larry Ritchie, for hitting us with that beautiful visual, man.
He's sending a video, man.
We had a couple calls that came in.
A lot of, you know, we put a question on the last episode about if you had to take a man on a date.
And this is no homo type of stuff.
This is straight up, just straight.
This is if you had a straight man, but you had to take a man on a date, how would you do it?
What would you do?
We had a couple answers that came in to the hotline, 985-664-9503.
Let's hear one gang.
Hey, Theo, this is Dusty from Leesburg again.
What's up, Dusty?
And I've always valued that type of name, a name that also, you know, kind of has an atmosphere to it.
Dusty, stormy.
You know, windy.
Oh, there's windy, you know.
That bitch will just scoot off in any direction.
Yeah.
You know, Buzz.
I like that kind of name.
Oh, Buzz.
There's Buzz.
You know, we've been hit by lightning and you know him.
You know, Bugs love him.
All right, let's hear it.
More of the episode, and you wanted us to call in to tell you where we'd take a guy on a date and what we would do.
And look, I want to also, and now that I'm hearing this back, this sounds extremely Gay man, which is fine.
If somebody's gay, that's fine.
And if you want to be an adult gay male, then more power to you, buddy.
I'll vote for you, okay?
Depending on what's going on and if you're legitimate.
Gang?
I'm a straight man.
Been married for, I hope my wife don't hear this.
I don't know.
A little while now.
Dude, your wife ain't listening to this damn show, man.
Gang, brother, but I like your attitude, man.
Gang.
It's five, six years, something like that.
And I don't know where I would take any man on a date, but I pretend I'm just taking me on a date.
And in order to get to my heart, you would need to take me to a nice steak restaurant.
Buy me that Porter House.
Oh, damn.
Bone-in tomahawk ribeye.
Dusty got that pricey tongue on him.
Onward, dust.
I need a medium with the outside chard.
A little garlic butter on it.
Maybe some steak rolls if you got them.
Then after that, all you need to do is purchase me a bag of marijuana.
Dang.
And get me a couple cigars to roll them blizzies up with you.
Damn, dust.
So dust is getting blunted.
And that's the, dude, if you're getting hooked up on them giants, Dusty, that's risque, man.
Because that's risque.
You know, I remember when I was young, they had a kind of a strand of weed that came through town.
And a lot of people, if they smoked it, they was doing kind of gay activity.
You know, they'd shake somebody, you know.
You know, I know my buddy Roy smoked it and he shook somebody's hand for almost a minute.
You know, where you'd see somebody doing a piggyback for no reason.
You know, I remember a couple buddies of mine smoked a bag of it for the funeral.
And they're doing piggybacks over there right next to the dead.
And that's...
I mean, that's mildly...
You know?
So it was just interesting when you think about it.
You know, but that's, I remember that strand of weed.
I don't remember what it was called.
But when that hit the scene, people were shook.
You know, wives were standing around in the yard just holding their hand.
They didn't know what was going on.
Because people was just puffing their way right over on each other's nuts, you know, and nutting around on each other's bodies and that kind of stuff.
You know, being gay.
And yeah, sorry to have a lot of this kind of talk on here, but look, this is what the episode, you know, we asked straight men, if you were to take a man on a date, how would you do it?
And I want to tell you, the number of calls that came in just blew my mind.
I mean, we probably had about 70 dates that got called in.
Here we go right here.
And I think getting it, look, man, if you're going to, that's brave of you, Dusty.
You trying to get Ben out.
You know, you letting a man give you that steak and then you letting him buy you a blunt.
Damn, you an easy date, dude.
Damn.
You an easy date, bro.
You got to tighten up, man.
Gang, man.
Onward.
Let's hear a call.
What's up, Theo Von?
Love the podcast, man.
This is Gavin calling from Redoso, New Mexico.
The lower 48, baby.
You know what I mean?
Saclo meco tu camo rita puto.
Hua guaro punya tero.
Amen, brother.
Praise God, baby PG, daddy.
You know?
Feliz Cristo.
Feliz Cristo, Papa.
Yeah, that's what I grew up with.
My name's Gavin Earl.
My parents are white, if you can't tell.
But on his last podcast, he wanted to see what you do if you took a dude on a date, no homo shit.
But my question is, what song plays in your head when it's getting butt-fucked?
No homo.
Mine's fat lip from Lint Biscuit.
You jam that song, see?
It's funny.
I think there should probably be like nothing else matters from Metallica or something.
Damn, this call took a wrong turn, bro.
You going – dude.
Gavin, you know, I respect you and everything.
Well, you just, there's nothing.
That's wild, man.
You going real deep, bro?
We're trying to keep it classy, man.
A lot of people on this, you know, a lot of us, you know, have wives or hope to have a wife one day.
You know?
A lot of us still chasing that little, you know, that body wallet, bro.
That cooter.
So that's too much for us, man.
Gang, bro.
Be well.
What else, man?
We'll take one more call that came in, man, about that.
And what people thought was good.
Here we go.
This is Adam from Spartanburg, South Carolina.
What's up, Adam?
Thank you for calling.
And that's a biblical name.
And that's a risky name, too, because somebody died.
Who got killed at beginning of the Bible?
Cain got killed.
He murdered his brother.
So, you know, keep tabs on your kiddos, man, because that was Adam's kids.
So you got risky.
That's a damn brave name, dude, Adam.
But that's okay, man.
You know, that could be part of the past, man.
Let's hear more.
I'll let you pause to do that.
What's up, Adam thing?
This is about that mandate.
If you got a, you know, mandate for a mandate, where would you go?
All straight, no homo.
Gang, bro.
If you're down like that.
But I think a perfect mandate would be a little axe throwing.
You know what I mean?
Get that bladed hitter.
Stand in line, throw it out of bullseye.
A tad bit, you know, romantic baby.
A little scary, a little fun.
You know, you ain't got a drink, but maybe whoever wants to get a little sip, get a little sip on.
You know what I mean?
Sip-on with some blades.
Sounds dangerous.
I like that, man.
I think that's a nice thing.
You know, I think that's a nice thing.
And sometimes I envision a world where things could be like that.
Where a straight man could take a gay man out to throw some maxes or, you know, hum some blades or whatever.
Or do bow and arrows or whatever.
Or shoot down a hot air balloon, whatever.
You know, spend time together without it being sexual or trying to be like that.
But it's risky too.
A lot of gay men, they love that risk.
You know, it's, I mean, dude, it's a, I mean, that's risky.
I mean, that's wild, bro.
But amen, man, I appreciate you calling in and giving us that option, dude, and just seeing what's going on.
We got one more that came in.
What's up, Theo?
I got my dog over here hacking on some parking jerky.
This is Joeby from Boulevard, Kentucky.
And I was just answering your question.
Tell a real man, but I am.
And I was taking another man out.
I'd probably take him.
He 2020.
I don't know if he's fucking with me.
Probably take him down to the Triple X theater and put on a good show and watch some fucking pussy.
You know, because I'm right gay.
So how about that?
You got, bro.
Shout out, Google.
Fuck you.
Gang, gang, buzz, buzz.
Amen, bro.
Now, that's a way to do it.
But you know, that man's going to be uncomfortable.
If you got a man, at least, you know, maybe draw some wiener on a notepad or something to save it for him.
Do something.
Don't just think about yourself there.
But also, I think that could be fun.
You know, you take him out there and just kind of, you know, have like a, you know, I think for a gay male, that's probably like going on a damn roller coaster.
Taking him to a strip club.
You know, let him, you know, hum a couple dollars at a cooter.
Praise, bro.
Yeah, a lot of great calls, man.
A lot of unique stuff.
But there were so many, man, I just, you know, I'd love to get in all of them, but it's impossible.
I can't even do it.
I mean, it's possible, but, you know, it's impossible more, more so.
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We got a call that came in here as a video call.
And so I want to peeve out.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo.
This is Oz from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.
Amen, brother.
Oz out of Bethlehem, PA, Daddy.
And Oz is a, you know, it's a, you know, wizard of Oz.
Onward.
And I just have a question for you because back in the winter was when I, man, I'm in high school and I really started smoking a lot of weed with my friends.
And.
Oh, yeah.
And that's fun as fuck, bro.
Onward?
You know, it was a beautiful thing, a little bit, just because we, you know, we had such a good time.
We were bonding, you know, it was kind of our special thing we would do.
Oh, yeah.
And I think that strand went around my town, dude.
Because we would see, you know, a lot of men doing some freaking Red Rover type shit, you know, adults onward.
You know, my mom told me the other day that, you know, it made her feel like she's not as close to me anymore since that happened back in the day.
And that, you know, that really kind of hurts to hear that, that I maybe damage my relationship with my family because of that.
And I feel disappointed in myself and like I let them down.
So I just want to know if you have any thoughts on how I can help that.
But otherwise than that, you know, I just hope you have a really good day, man.
So.
Thanks, brother.
Thanks for that, Oz, man.
I appreciate that.
And thanks for the well wishes there at the end.
Look, you know, it's tough, I think, for moms when the children get high.
Because you raise something.
If you were a mom, you raised something.
You've been feeding us in a little deal.
You got a little duckling.
You've been feeding him, giving him milk.
Giving him titty early and then giving them regular milk, refrigerator milk.
You know, you've been, you know, girthing him up.
You've been teaching them, putting knowledge in front of them, giving the summer camp money.
Give him this, give him that.
You know, give him a sign, you know, make a casserole for his ass.
Do a, you know, a party when he's 13 or whatever.
All this shit.
They do it all, mothers.
And then imagine you've been working on something forever.
Imagine, even if you're a carpenter, imagine you've been working.
You've been building a train.
You've been building this little duckling or whatever.
You've been building a little, you know, a little train.
Let's say a train.
Let's don't pick different things.
Let's pick one thing.
You've been building a train, a little train.
You've been working hard on it.
14 years.
You've been painting it.
And then suddenly you come home one day, you've been shopping or whatever, and the train is high as fuck in the middle of your house is driving around.
It can't even choot you.
It's so just, it's just back, you know, it's fucking shoving chips in its smokestack.
It can't even, I mean, that's going to, and you spent so much time fucking building that train.
That's just going to burn you, brother.
Especially if you've been hitting them big giants.
Your mom might have never smoked giants.
So she might be, you know, might be a little jealousy or jealousy, baby.
But here's what I've, if I had a suggestion, man, it would be this.
I would just communicate with your mom.
Say, look, mom, I appreciate you letting me know that that made you feel like we were more apart, you know, because that makes me, you know, that makes me recognize that my behaviors are going to have like that my behaviors could have an emotional effect on you and our relationship.
But just let her, I think if just by letting her know that you recognize that, and I would also say, you know, I do want to be able to be honest with you, you know, about things that I do imbibe in or try or experiment with.
You know, I'd like to be able to be honest with you.
You know, even if some of them you're not going to be proud of me, I want to at least be able to be honest with you so that, you know, we can be building, you know, at least we're going to build a new type of trust.
Because young trust is different.
You know, your parents, they trust you because, you know, they need to trust you because you're around the house.
You could burn the house down and all that kind of shit.
But adult trust is a little bit more different.
You know, it's a little bit more of a real, you know, there's more of a commodity because one of you guys doesn't have the hierarchy over the other one.
So I think, man, just the communication will help.
And I think just the simple fact you let her know that, you know, that it matters to you how she feels, that's probably the biggest thing.
Because you probably think, you know, she might be a little soft.
Your mom might be no offense or anything, but she might be a little soft in the heart, which is nice, but it can also be kind of hectic when they say, look, you out there running dope, you out there huffing gas.
And I'm at home fucking, you know, you know, trying to do a strawberry shortcake.
And now I feel like we don't know each other.
So, but yeah, dude, sometimes you got to get fucking gassed up.
I remember, dude, I found a joint at home about six years ago that I'd freaking hid on the top of the refrigerator in college.
So that shows you right there that the fucking cleaning lady ain't doing her job at my mom's place.
But gang, bro.
But be well, man.
You're on the right path.
And I said to say this, wear your seatbelt no matter what you do.
Wear your seatbelt.
And don't do an eight ball, bruh.
And don't even do a six ball, dog.
Stay safe, man.
You can do it, bruh.
Because the big thing is you got to stay alive.
If you don't stay alive, daddy, then it's nothing, man.
You know, we all want young people to do well.
Sometimes you see a young person, you're like, damn, I hope that little bastard does well, you know.
I want to tell you guys right now about a group that I want to support, and they are called Junior Achievement of Southern California.
Best known as J.A. SoCal.
They're a nonprofit that works predominantly with low-income K through 12 public schools.
Lessons that aren't taught in schools and may not be a priority at home, financial literacy, entrepreneurship, And work readiness.
Those are some of the things that junior achievement goes into schools and does.
40% of Americans can't afford a $400 emergency.
58% have less than $1,000 in savings.
78% live paycheck to paycheck.
JA, Junior Achievement, teaches kids things like what a budget is and why it's important.
They learn about credit scores, taxes, health care costs, home buying, car buying, etc.
Junior Achievement has programs in entrepreneurship that is one of the first programs ever.
Students actually create and build a real business with real products.
Just imagine if you go back in time and you knew all these things.
Man, it would be helpful.
Well, I want you to check out a video at the end of today's episode.
It's just showing you a little bit more about J.A. SoCal.
And there's going to be a button on the YouTube page today for today's episode where you can make a donation if you like.
You know, one of my best friends runs this nonprofit and they do some really, really great work.
You know, I've been fortunate to work and do some stuff with him over the years.
And they just do some really great work, man.
When you go into communities where kids aren't even going to learn this stuff at home because their parents aren't doing it, you know, and to get this information, to get this intel to kids, it's really important.
You can check out their organization at jasocal.org.
But even better, please consider donating to this very awesome charity by using the link button on our YouTube page.
Thank you guys so much.
All right, let's get into maybe a couple more calls.
I'm trying to think of what else is going on with me.
You know, I'm a little nervous about maybe moving.
I know people are moving.
You know, Joe Rogan's has moved.
I'm a little nervous about it.
You know, I just think sometimes it would be nice for me to have a little bit.
I've been here for a long time and there's nothing happening right now.
You know, I'm not missing anything.
The stages aren't even open to perform.
So sometimes it would just be like, oh, I could just kind of take a long, not vacation, but just kind of feel what life is like again in a regular place in America.
And I feel like that could be really, really nice.
I feel like that could really mean a lot to me.
And it's kind of scary, you know, to think about just doing something new or not doing a new job or anything like that, but just, you know, what, living in a neighborhood?
I mean, I don't, you know, just having a change like that.
You know, I would still keep my studio here and come back for the studio, come back every couple of weeks would be the plan.
But, but yeah, part of me is like, oh, maybe it would make me real feel, you know, adventurous, get that adventure in my body.
Because, you know, I would like to have that.
But man, what a smart kid.
You know, the young guy is thinking about that kind of stuff, being aware.
You know, caring what your mother thinks and feels.
It's important, and sometimes it's hard to differentiate.
You know, sometimes we only see what our mom thinks or what they say, but, you know, we don't think of what they feel.
You know, we're also in a generation and a time where people talk about their feelings more, especially on this podcast.
This, the, you know, the old slit your wrist cast right here.
What else we got?
What else came in today?
A couple of good things, a couple of bad things.
Anything wild?
Let me see.
Hey, Figo, this is Jared.
I live in Nebraska.
Not from here, but I live here.
I've been listening to your podcast for probably about a year now.
It's really uplifting.
It's helped me through a lot of crap.
I recently quit drinking.
That was about six months ago.
I just got my six-month coin.
Oh, man.
Congratulations, man.
You got that.
Six months, that's brave, you know.
And I think whether somebody has a drug, alcohol problem, or they don't, doing anything for six months, man, that's striking, bro.
That's striking.
You're doing it, Daddy.
Everything's going better for me.
Got my daughter back in my life.
And I just wanted to let you know that your positivity really shines through and it helps out people who have a hard time kind of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Well, thanks, man.
And you do that too by just sharing your voice right there.
You know, the fact that you got your daughter back in your life.
You know, that's beautiful.
You know, you got, you know, and she's going to have a different experience, man.
You know, there's no bigger experience than having somebody that loves us.
There really isn't, bro.
No homos, dog.
But, you know what I'm saying?
There just isn't.
There's no bigger experience than having that.
Especially when somebody's little, when they just.
You know, when you just let them know that they're loved.
Sometimes you got to really let them know.
You got to let them know.
You know, look, man, you are fucking loved.
You got to shake their little ass.
Write it on their fucking chest with a damn marker.
Love you.
You know?
And you shake them.
And people so rattled now.
We so rattled, we can't even feel the love sometimes, man.
But you got to get them when they're young.
And I'm glad you're going to have that option.
You're going to have that option, baby.
You're going to have that option to get the little lady and to make her feel loved, man.
That's awesome, dog.
And congratulations, man.
Speaking of Nebraska, what else?
We had a call that came in, actually a video call that came in about Nebraska, man.
And this will actually lead us out, man.
Let's hear this.
Hey, Theo, it's your boy Alex out here in Lincoln.
Neblastia.
And I noticed you were playing Evan Bartles at the end of your last podcast.
And figured I'd share a funny story about that kid.
I grew up with him.
we met in like junior high or something, and during that time when we first met, the first time I met him, he was we were at this one-act play competition.
Oh, damn, that shit sounds straight nerd alert, bro.
One-act play competition, dog?
No offense, bro.
I'm proud of you, but still, bro, gang.
A small town in Nebraska, and he was playing the guitar over in the corner, and I heard him.
I was like, damn, this kid's pretty good.
I was in the band myself, and I was a musician for a while.
And so I went over there and hung out with him.
And then out of nowhere, you know, we're hanging out and stuff, and out of nowhere, this kid somewhere off in the distance throws a fucking Oreo, dead ass, hits him straight in the face.
Oh, yeah.
And that's a damn, that's a Nebraska hate crime, brother.
That's a Midwest hate crime.
Somebody just beams a cookie at your ass homeward.
In his guitar, he gets hit in the face, picks that Oreo up, eats it, then keeps on playing, brother.
And I don't think he looked back after that point.
Also, his wrist clicks real bad when he plays guitar because he fell off my longboard years ago.
So yeah.
Just wanted to drop a funny story about him.
It's awesome.
He's getting the respect he deserves.
Well, he's a talented man.
Thanks for the call.
Yeah, man, if you get hit by a cookie, that's life.
That's life in a nutshell.
You know, sometimes you get hit by something good, but it comes at you fast.
It's dangerous.
It's risky.
You know, it might be weed.
It might be an erotic man.
It could be anything.
You just gotta play it.
You gotta keep on playing.
You know, sometimes life will be, you know, somewhere and somebody fucking hung a cinnabon at your ass.
You gotta keep driving.
Somebody gets, you know, sometimes somebody will fucking, you know, somebody will throw a starburst up in the air and then just hit it with a wiffle ball bat.
And it'll hit you right in your bare, fat stomach and your stomach fat and your body fat.
And you gotta keep on just living life, man.
Keep on jumping through the sprinkler.
Yeah, so let's go out right here, man.
We got a great little outro song right here.
And this is by that man, Evan Bartells.
And he is, you know, for the young fella that called and saying, you know, he's worried if he endangered his mother's heart.
And, you know, this is the kind of song you could tell her about.
You know.
This is the kind, you know, just let people know what they mean to you.
And it's hard, man.
I know it's hard, man.
It's so hard for me to sometimes lean into the good stuff.
You know, it's so hard.
It's hard a lot of times, man.
It's hard to feel that, you know.
Just in life sometimes, it's hard to just damn freaking love.
You know, it's hard.
But, you know, it can happen, man.
You know, but we gotta make it happen on the internet.
I don't know what I'm talking about if anybody needed that reminder.
Let's get into this song right here.
This is by Evan Bartels, actually.
And if you've never heard of this man, then I don't know where you've been, but this is a song of his that I really enjoy.
You guys be good to yourselves, man.
You deserve it.
You know that.
And if you don't, man, then there's your reminder.
piano plays softly
I could see the rain coming from a hundred miles away Baptizing empty skylines With the hope of better days And I tell myself this will all be fine And I watch you from a window I built inside my mind Wonder
why Every man I talk will fall from time Every time I feel the fun I'm just a child I would die Outside
of a soup plantation Evan Bartell's maybe out of Nebraska, that man, I believe.
So And he can do it.
He can do it, man.
That man, he does it.
And he does it well.
That's off his album, Promised Land by Evan Bartells.
And you can grab him, and we'll put a link in the information.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's just important.
You know, it's important for us.
You know, we just got to try to let people know we care, man.
It's important, guys.
You guys be good, bro.
You guys be good, bro.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voicemails today.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, sweetheart.
Easy deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy-bloody wanker.
John Maine.
I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh, no!
Whoa!
I think Tom Hanks just buttiled me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule.
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