Theo talks about something from being young.
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Check check Chinese check baby chicken check chicken sausage chick hern chickpeas check check please chicks chickadoodle dee remember chickadees remember that remember chickadees it was a little uh like a breakfast place I don't know if they it was chickadees
and you go in there and they had um you know they give you the menu and it was they would handwrite the menus every day which I think is probably why they went out of business I mean at that point you're more of a calligraphy shop or something I mean they'd hand I don't know they say home of the handwritten menu that was their big ticket that was their big you know
get you in the door deal home of the handwritten menu and then they handwrite them and then I don't know what happened I don't know what happened I don't think there was a fire or something happen uh something happened over there but um but anyway uh what's going on man not much chickadees that
was it and I go over there and get me a little breakfast you know get me a cut of ham get me a you know two bird eggs two bird eggs and a cut of ham for three dollars I remember and some of them they have sweet sweet entrees that said on there a little bonus section on the menu it said uh sweet entrees and it'd have you a little get you a little hot cake or
you know um what's that food we won in the uh war um french toast get you you know get you a little you know a savory item get you something like that chickadees it was called and sometimes I would when I missed school if I would miss the school bus they had a man that would take me to school and his I don't remember his name but
he was just kind of a kind of a mysterious looking man and he might have had I don't know cancer or something but he had um his son was named Big Donald and his son was named Big Donald even though he was little and and sometimes I would miss the bus and his son I think it maybe even dropped out of school but I would miss the bus and the dad would take me to school in his car and
he drove a car that was it wasn't a hearse but it was like it seemed like a hearse you know like they probably had ghosts in the trunk kind of thing kind of vehicle you know it was just I mean if you got in a car accident in this car you were gonna die because it was just real long and black and I think it was a horror a hearse but they had sawed off the back and made it into a regular car and
um and that was big Donald's daddy and he would take me to school when I would miss school or when I would miss the bus and um and sometimes he would come out at first and he'd say did you miss it I said I don't know and he said maybe wait a little while and I would wait a little longer and he knew it had already passed he was just kind of you know just getting me calibrated for
a life of I guess uncomfort or of you know uncertainty I don't know but he'd come out another time did you miss it I you know I don't know I don't know if I missed it I mean it's 9 a.m.
I've been out here for an hour and 45 minutes school started at 730 I probably missed it and he'd say well just you know it could show up so I sit there and wait it start getting hot have my little book bag on feel my books heating up feel my homework all hot I didn't do my homework actually man I just feel my books hot okay I'll be honest with you but and then he'd say all right come on I'll take you and I think since his son had dropped
out of school since his boy had given up on you know knowledge or blanket knowledge you know or governmental knowledge really education that they were you know that it was his chance to still have that moment with his son and we would ride we would ride in the car and I would try to you know practice it look at my book look at my spelling and and he would blow cigarette smoke
over at me he'd be smoking a pack of dorels over there and he would both windows up I mean I think he had damn glued the windows shut because he loved all the smoke he wanted all the smoke baby and he'd blow that smoke on me and ask me to spell a word and I would just try to you know my face was burning my eyes were burning and I would try to get that word out of me you know uh I
N I N C what is it buddy?
What is it?
And he'd blow that smoke on me.
Like I N C O N Spell it boy.
And he'd yell at me, spell it, boy.
And he'd even call me his son's name, too, sometimes.
Spell it Big Donald.
Spell it little Donald.
And he couldn't remember sometimes if his son was named Big Donald or Little Donald.
And he'd blow the smoke on me.
I-N-C-O-N convenience.
And he didn't know how to spell shit.
So he would just kind of, you know, kind of, there you go.
There you go.
And then he'd let me flick his cigarette.
He'd hand it over to me and let me flick it onto the floor.
But anyway, we'd stop at this place called Chickadees and go in there.
Home in a handwritten menus.
And we'd get in there and I'd read him what it said on the menu.
And I would read him straight up what it said on the menu.
Honestly, man, maybe that man, he might not even know what to read.
And maybe this was his way of just kind of connecting with an education he never got fully.
Or partially even.
Or semi-partially, you know.
I don't know, but chickadees, I remember.
And then they, you know, I think one guy, the guy with the best penmanship, didn't come in or something.
He got in a fight with his wife and then and they didn't have a menu.
One day we went in there and they didn't have a menu.
And nobody knew what to do.
You know, the waiter, just the waitress just standing there with her arms in the air and the cook just fucking gave up, you know, just cracked a couple legs right into his damn mouth and just walked out.
And I think they burned the place down for insurance.
Or for insurance money.
But anyway, what else, man?
Let's get into the episode, brother.
Bang, you know it.
Bang, you know it.
Come on.
I'm just sitting on your front post wondering how could I be so far from my home.
Come on, boy, put that negligent on.
And my mind is somewhere else.
But when I find it, I'll catch up where it's been.
Come on, little Donald.
Big Donald.
Come on.
Now I'm just folding on the breeze.
I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
When I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind I found.
I can feel it in my bones.
Get skeletal, baby.
Let's go.
But it's gonna take a little time.
Let it hit you, daddy.
Let's set that parking break and let myself unwind shine on me.
Come on, McDonald.
Come on, little Donald.
Story.
Inconvenience.
What can I get you?
Oh, you wanna move for easy?
Too fast on a runaway train with a heavy load of my paths Oh, baby.
We're just tugging that past with us.
I've been riding on.
And I feel like he's just meant to...
I in the sea.
I. It'll probably still come.
Just wait out here.
It's almost noon.
Shine that light on me.
Ah!
I'm sitting tell you my story.
You want grips with that?
Come on, me.
Come on.
Song.
I will sing it just for you.
There you go, boy.
There you go.
And that fade out.
I couldn't get that fade out well right there.
But I wanted to.
I'll say that I wanted to.
Good to be here with you.
And it is middle of July, halfway to Christmas.
Can you damn?
I mean, if you put your ear up to the beach, you can hear.
I mean, you could hear Santa just tightening up a couple toy trains out there, you know?
It's halfway to Christmas, man.
Good to see you guys.
We are here July 20th, 2020, the year 2020.
In the future or in the past, I'm not sure when this will, you know, hit you.
And I don't know if you've come from the future or the past to listen to it.
I don't know how you got to right now.
You know, you may be some people, there may be a time in the future where people are, you know, living in reverse and they just back into a day that you're just getting to.
We don't know.
We don't know that.
I'm at home and I do not want to be.
That's how I feel, man.
I don't even want.
You know, just give me a damn shovel and no knowledge.
And I'll try digging to China, you know.
Remember that when we were young?
They say you could dig to China.
Dig you a hole, you know?
Your mom get out there.
Your grandmother get out there.
Give you a little shovel.
Maybe your uncle steal one of those cement.
Those cement things that break up the cement, you know?
Maybe he steal one of those from work and he lets you and your buddy each hold one handle of it because it was too much.
That jackhammer.
And y'all just jackhamming that bitch Up you out there digging and jackhammering as children thinking, oh, we're going to China, but now you see some kid digging in China, you take the shovel from him.
Say, hey, buddy.
Uh-uh.
No, no, no.
We do not need another thoroughfare between us and China, brother.
That's crazy that children now aren't even allowed to dig to China.
You know, remember that?
Oh, we'll get there.
You come back in the morning to dig more.
Somebody's, you know, some man sleeping in the hole.
You know, his wife kicked him out.
He's doing drugs or something.
Or he was, you know, he ran out of drugs and she kicked him out and he peed in the damn hole.
And you just keep digging, man.
Piss, dirt, and all.
Just dig your way through.
You don't stop.
But yeah, Chickadees, that was the name of that joint.
And I guess, I don't know if something happened.
Some insurance scandal or something bullshit.
And they shut it down.
But yeah, I want to go.
I just, and I just got back.
I just got back from the hemp, baby, from New Hampshire.
And now I want to go again.
I want to go do something again, you know.
So sometimes when I can't travel, you know, I'll travel inside of myself.
I'll take a little vacation to just a specific time or a specific moment.
And I'll try to remember all the things I can about the moment.
Sometimes when I think of the past or when I think of something, I forget to think of all the different things, of the senses, you know, because that gives my memory more, you know, more batter to make a cake out of.
You know, I remember one of the first times I ever even performed, I was, you know, a child or something.
I think I was a child or I was just a small adult that was just lying about how old he was.
But I was, you know, just a middle-aged child or something.
I don't know, probably about nine.
And if we were bad, which we were, my mother would make us perform, do a performance so we could come downstairs and watch Rescue 911 on television.
Because that was my show, man.
That was my thing.
That was my jam.
I love to call 911.
And some of you guys know that about me and some of you don't.
I'll call them metches.
I'll text them.
You know, I texted them from the Poirier Holloway fight.
I said, they got some damn ruffians out here beating the shit out of each other.
You know, and they said, where are you?
I said, I'm at the UFC, whatever it was, 214, baby, where are you guys, dude?
Gang shit, bring the fire department.
But you can text 911 now.
But when I was young, I would call them.
I'd call them for anything.
You know, I'd call them.
If we couldn't pay the bills, I'd call them.
Hey, yep.
St. Tammany Parish, police and fire.
I may help you.
Is this an emergency?
Yep.
We can't pay the water.
Mom can't pay it.
So she, you know, she told her boss off and she got fired.
So I'm sorry.
I'm going to have to keep the line free for actual emergencies.
But at least I'll let them know.
Some of you got to let the city know what you're thinking.
You got to at least let them know what you're dealing with, you know.
But anyway, I remember, you know, my mom would make us, we'd have, she didn't make us, but we would come down and perform.
You know, we would put paint or something on our bodies or put a sheet on top of us and write chine on it.
Maybe do, you know, get in a, like a line and put a couple sheet on us and make a dragon.
We'd come down and, you know, you know, my brother would beat a little, you know, we'd have him beat a, what is it called?
He would beat like a tambourine with a spoon.
Or, you know, we had a, we had a, this man my mom dated used to do fake accidents to get money.
And so we had, I remember like a metal neck brace that he left over one time.
And so sometimes my brother would put that on and get thimbles, like, you know, metal little thimbles from sewers, sewers' kits.
And he would put them on his fingers.
And so we'd all come down and he would play kind of Chinese music on his, you know, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Just, you know, playing that metal neck brace.
And the rest of us would just be in a damn sheet.
We'd written chine on the side of it and cut a couple eye holes out the front and wrote dragon on the front.
And we would do a show, put on a show for mom.
And if she liked the show well enough, then we were allowed to sit there by the television and watch Rescue 9-1-1.
Or, you know, a couple other programs, Unsolved Mysteries, Rescue 9-1-1, America's Most Wanted.
I mean, we liked to watch shit that was very fear-based.
And we would sit, dude, we were kids.
I mean, we would sit literally two inches from the television screen.
I mean, our television was as big as two iPhone 9s.
I mean, that bitch was as big as two iPhone, like a double-wide iPhone 9. And we would sit there two inches from it and just let it all, just let the devil just go straight into our eyes.
And that was, you know, but that was some of the first times we would perform, that I would perform, I remember as a child, was coming down and doing that and performing for mom so that we could watch Rescue 911.
And here I am, you know, 30 years later, still performing for television in a weird way.
You know, in kind of a backhanded way, but, you know, still performing to be a part of the show so I could see the show, whatever.
I don't know about that part, but what else, man?
But anyway, but anyway, yeah, sorry, I was telling you, so I would, when I think back to like, if I can't go, then I'll, I'll go somewhere in my head, you know, I'll take a, you know, I'll think back to those times.
And so other things that I think about from that time, I think about the carpet.
You know, well, how did it feel?
How did the carpet feel?
Because we were barefoot, you know, it was nighttime.
We were barefoot inside, you know, and so I think about how it felt to my feet.
And then I remember the carpet, you know, the color of it was kind of coffee with milk color in it.
And so I think about that.
I think about the smell, what the smell would be like.
Well, when we went to mom's room to perform, she had usually just gotten out of the shower, you know.
And she was, she wasn't nude anymore.
We didn't do anything like that.
You had to go down the street for some of that shit.
Family nudity kind of shit.
But you could smell a, you know, you could smell the shampoo in the room.
You could smell a salon selex.
And mom had salon selects, man.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
I do not know if you remember Salon Selex.
It was about the most high-class shampoo you could get.
I mean, it had, I don't even know what it was made out of.
It just seemed like they had taken a couple beautiful women and creamed, you know, and just put, you know, cremated them or whatever and just put them right into the damn bottle.
And then they put two scoops of freaking California in there and maybe half a scoop of hibiscus simp in there.
You know.
And then they just, they would trim an angel's wings right into that bitch.
Heat it up to about 240 and then let it simmer and then bottle it.
And your mom had it.
Mom got Salon Selects.
We would wash our hair with a soap.
You know, we would wash our hair with a soap or sometimes we would put a soap bar in a sock and you would rub that on your head so as not to lose all the soap.
That way you weren't, you know, the soap would stay in that sock.
You weren't minimized.
Because otherwise you'd give us a bar of soap.
Somebody, you know, we'd use it all in one bathing.
We'd bathe for two and a half hours.
Somebody'd, you know, hide it in their ass or something.
Just, you know, children.
Being children, but when mom, when, when, and so what mom did with mom put it in a sock and we would just scrub it on her head so the soap still came out of it, but you just weren't wearing that bar down.
And I remember sometimes I'd go over to a rich kid's house and they would have a little bit of Irish spring over there.
And shout out to Ireland, man.
And shout out to, you know, shout out to Ireland and the UK and all of our good people over there.
You know?
Shout out to Jack Shore, who won his MMA fight, man.
Young legend right there.
And hell, I hope they open the borders soon, man, because I think half of us want to come back to England, brother.
I'll tell you that.
Put me on a boat, baby.
I'm joking, man.
I'm happy to be here, but someday there's something.
You know, I live in California.
It's just a little bit more, I don't know.
Too many know-it-alls out here.
But anyway, mom had the salon selects.
That's what I'm telling you.
Mom had that salon selects.
And if you, sometime I would say, oh, mom, I'm out of shampoo.
I'd run into her room and I'd reach my hand in the shower.
Mom would be in her shower.
And I would, if I was lucky, boy, she'd put a little salon selects in there.
And the problem was my body heat would start to kind of make it thinner.
You know, your body heat, like you can only hide jello in your hand for about 40 minutes before you just got a little handful of something.
And you have to tell, you have to, you know, tell people, hey, this used to be jello.
They don't believe you.
And that's what it was like.
So I'd have to run all the way back upstairs, get back in the shower, and put it into my hair before it all kind of dissipated or snuck out the little cracks in my fingers.
But damn, I love that, man.
You know, and I love when mama give me some of that Salone Selexin.
I remember, God, I remember that, boy.
And sometimes I'd wash my hair with it.
And sometimes, honestly, bro, I'd wash my damn body with it.
And sometimes, honestly, honestly, double honestly, I'd freaking lick a little bit of it right out of my damn hand, bruh.
God damn.
Forgive me, but God.
Just tasting that damn hibiscus, brother.
We didn't have hibiscus by us.
So to just get a damn hit of it out of that bottle.
But I remember that was another thing I remember when I'd go into mom's room.
You could smell that because she had just showered recently, you know.
And so you could smell it in the air.
But anyway, little things like that just bring me, you know, when I think of the, when somebody's like, hey, do you remember?
I try to think of, okay, well, what was something that I felt at the time?
Okay, I felt the carpet.
I remember that.
I remember, you know, how my body felt when I was young.
It just, I wasn't aware of it.
Now I'm so aware of my body.
I'm, you know, I got to move and I got to Think about what I'm doing, and you know, I got to reach for something.
It's all, but when I was young, everything was just, it was just, it went from an idea or a thought in my head to an action.
There was no delay, there was no age in the gumming up the works, you know.
There was no doreal smoke between my brain and my activity.
You know, it was just immediate, just chickadees on the table, baby.
But yeah, so that's what I try to think of sometimes when I'm thinking about stories.
And I think of, okay, what did I see?
What did I smell?
You know, what did I feel?
What was the taste of something?
Was there anything...
You know, was there...
Sometimes I think all of our memory, everything we've ever done is inside of us.
Sometimes I think that, but you have to get some, you have to, there needs to be a key to unlock it, like a person will talk to you or remind you of something or, you know, different stuff like that.
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Bathroom.
All right, let's take a call here from Larry the driver.
Onward.
I'm driving along here.
And Larry drives, hell, I don't know where he drives, but he's left a lot of voicemails about, you know, vehicle operation and that sort of thing.
So let's see what he's doing.
going, brother.
Into my place of employment.
And I had a thought...
And I said, who better to call from Schenectadia to share this thought with than the Theo Von Bun?
So, I just saw a guy, neighbor.
He's walking his dog.
His dog's a German Shepherd.
Very narrow face.
You know, they have features.
Then I looked at the guy and I'm like, wow, he's starting to look just like that German Shepherd in the face.
Narrow, kind of.
They were going up a hill, head pointed forward, face forward, everything going up the hill.
And then I thought, yeah, people, I guess maybe creatures do that.
We start to turn into the things or start to look like the things we look at or the beings we look at.
Amen, brother.
Thank you, Larry, for that, man.
You're right.
I think you're definitely right about, I mean, I don't know if you're right or not, but you saw what you saw.
You know, it's not like you're reporting a damn UFO.
You're reporting, obviously, a lean, you know, guy who's Italian or maybe Judeo-Italian going uphill with a German shepherd.
You know, you saw what you saw.
But yeah, I think we start to reflect what we focus on, man.
It could be a dog.
It could be a, you know, if you listen to Takashi6ix9ine all day and watch all of his videos, which are awesome, okay, I'll say that.
But if you do it all day, every day, next thing you know, you're going to get a couple Skittles embedded into your cheek, you know?
You're going to braid your hair.
You know, you're going to freaking be out of work.
You're going to be, you know, you're going to be hiding in a townhouse out there in, you know, somewhere.
Probably, you know, Toledo or Boise.
But it's like, yeah, you're going to become whatever you focus on.
But people do that with animals for sure.
You'll see a, you know, you'll see a lady with a shihzu named Sharon.
And then people start saying, oh, that's Sharon, shihzu, Sharon.
And both of them, they got, you know, matching little side ponies.
And, you know, they're both eating out of a bowl or something by the back door of her house.
It's just bizarre stuff.
You see a lot of that.
You know, you see a lot of Megan.
You know, you'll see a lady named Megan with a Maltese.
And they'll be like, oh, that's Maltese Megan.
You know, and you throw a frisbee and Megan runs and, you know, tries to catch that bitch and gets hit by Ford Fayat, bruh.
And you're like, you know.
But yeah, people start to become what they, the animals they have.
You see it with Riffraff even.
You know, Riffraff, who's that rare element, he's the you know, he's the Bermuda triangle of humans.
And he's got a couple huskies, and he starts to, you know, he starts to mimic them and sound like them and move like them.
You know, you'll see him on all fours pissing on a hydrant over there down there near Deer Park, Florida.
But I'm just saying, yeah, whatever we spend time with, you see that a lot, especially the dog human element, that combo package.
You know, somebody gets a, you know, your buddy Bernard gets a damn Burmese python.
And next thing you know, Bernard, you'll catch him one afternoon laying on the street, you know, with no shirt on, putting his stomach on the concrete to stay warm.
So there's a lot of that type of shit, man.
But gang, Larry, thanks for recognizing that.
And thanks for the call, man.
Appreciate it.
And, you know, just take care of yourself, brother.
All right?
You'd be good, man.
Onward.
All right, let's take another call right here.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, this is Sam in Nashville, Tennessee here.
What's up, Sam, or Samuel?
And Sam is often a short name for Samuel or Yosemite Sam if you're a drawing, you know.
Onward.
I wanted to ask you about performing in 2020.
I played drums for a living here in Nashville, or I did.
The city got hit by a tornado back in March.
Okay.
You could have played in our Chinese Dragon Retribution performance that we did for mom onward.
Sorry, I wasn't even listening right there because I started thinking about that.
Anyway, I'll back up.
The city got hit by a tornado back in March, which took out some of the venues.
And then shortly after that, the Corva took over, which, as you know, canceled all the tours and a lot of the gigs in town, too.
A bunch of us musicians here are talking about organizing a protest to open up some of these venues so we can get back to doing what made Nashville famous and make some music, which we're currently not allowed to do.
I know there's a lot of folks out there that don't want us to do that, and I just don't want anyone to get sick.
But I guess I'd say stay home if you're worried about it.
Not trying to be insensitive, but really itching to go back to work, make some music, and pay some of these bills.
I wanted to hear your input since you're a performer and you're feeling like struggles too.
I know that the virus is real and all that.
Especially for people up and coming, it's, you know, we got bills.
Yeah, brother.
I feel that, man.
Thank you for the call.
And yeah, that's a lot.
Y'all got a lot on the table, especially if you're up and coming.
If you're trying to, you were building momentum and then all this momentum, you know, just really slowed to a grind.
You know, one thing I'll think about that is at least everybody's momentum slowed to a grind.
So it's even, I think a lot of times it feels like it's just us, you know, or just you or just your band or, and I'm not saying you're saying that.
I'm just saying sometimes it lands on us that way.
But, you know, it's interesting that it's everyone because we're not used.
That's the element that we are not used to is that everyone had to stop.
But I feel you sometime.
I feel you.
You know, my mom said, look, if I'm going to die, I'm going to die.
You know, she's ready to get out there.
She, you know, she'll fist fight the devil.
You know, she's ready to, she wants to live what life she has.
Remaining, a lot of people do.
Large venues are tough because a lot of them, they don't want to open up because it wouldn't even, the cost to rent the space and everything, it's not even cost effective to have a show at it if you have to have people spaced out so far.
Yeah, I feel you.
Could you just have a show where it's like, hey, if you want to come, this is just listen at your own risk.
Why can't that be a thing?
You know, just listen at your own risk.
That's it.
You know, just like at the pool, they say, oh, boy, you know, if you have a bologna or something, you know, you have a little bologna sandwich.
You have maybe, you know, half a dozen Tootsie rolls or something and a bark soda.
And they say, don't swim, don't swim.
But, you know, Daniel, bro, he don't give a damn, dude.
Daniel will do.
Daniel fill his mouth with freaking, you know.
You know, he'll put three beef francs in his mouth and jump straight in the deep end, dude.
He'll plan his funeral in the morning and then die in the afternoon, bro.
You know how that's how he is.
He's risky like that.
He'll eat and swim at the same time, you know, and he's never taken a lesson.
He don't care.
That's who he is.
So it just, they should have an option, I feel like, for people that want to be Daniel.
And then it's, you know, I think then it's like we get to see, you know, we'll see what happens.
But I personally, I'd rather die over there at a damn Billie Eilis show than I would just hunkered down watching 48, you know, the first 48 again.
It's like, how do you want to die?
You know, you want to die at the Louisiana children's performance of the Chinese dragon?
Or do you want to die sitting at home watching, you know, Clarissa explains it all or something reruns?
So yeah, I'm ready.
You know, I was just looking yesterday talking to the agents About getting a tent and maybe doing shows like that.
Maybe this will, you know, maybe there will just be smaller shows and there will be more traveling type of shows coming up and it'll all take on a new way that we embrace it.
You know, I don't know.
I don't know, man.
I wish I had some solace for you, but I feel you.
You know, I'm just itching to be the biggest thing I'm itching, I'm itching to not forget what it was like before this.
Because the more and more this, we live this, that's what starts to happen.
You forget how, not comfortable, but just you forget what was going on before and you kind of become okay with this now.
And people say, well, that's, you know, there's risk to that.
That's, you know, people could die.
But then here's the thing.
Those people are choosing to go die.
You know, I think that's the core of a lot of it, too.
Some people have a different view of life.
You know, and I'm sure this differs if you have children or if you don't.
But some people, they say, you know, they had that mayor in Las Vegas, and she's like, well, let's open up and see.
You know, I thought that was pretty ballsy of her.
And of course, you can have people say, what are you talking?
But some people think when they die, there's another option.
It's not all about just this moment.
There's a deeper coil that we're attached to.
And so there's another existence.
There's reincarnation.
There's, you know, maybe you come back as a dragon with China written on the side of you.
Maybe you come back as a damn, you know, as a French option over there at Chickadee's, bruh.
But, you know, like, some people believe that, so they live life differently.
Life's different when you have this idea in your head that there's other dimensions, there's other levels you go on, you know, you look at Super Mario differently.
And shout out to my boy Bacon Arts, who made this right here.
And this is Super Mario looking like a bacon.
But then there's some people who, you know, this is it.
This is it.
And so they're so caught, you know, they don't have that extra, those next levels that they have in their psyche.
And so they think it's all right here, right now.
This is it.
But so then, of course, those types of people are going to have different views on what's going on and how we react to it in nature.
But and then there's Brendan Schaub, who almost single-handedly took out the entire podcast universe.
So, you know, there's just different types of folks.
Just joking, man.
But keep, but not joking.
You get it.
Let's take another call, man.
Here we go.
Theo Vaughn.
This is Lauren from Boston, and I am calling because I love and like you.
All right, Lauren.
Appreciate the good words.
Thank you for calling.
Onward.
I saw you at the Wilbur Theater last March in Boston.
My friend Kevin took me for my birthday.
We had super good seats right up front.
You were so funny.
You even at the beginning seemed a little bit nervous.
And then you crushed it.
Your openers were awesome.
Neither of us had ever heard of them, and they were awesome to be introduced to.
But I'm calling because I'm from New Hampshire originally.
Shout out Hamp.
Shout out in Hamp, baby.
Live free or die, son.
You know that.
That's their motto.
And maybe that would be a good place to have those types of concerts, brother, who called in a minute ago.
You know?
Out there in New Hampshire where, you know, they got Dunkin' Donnets, they got a cemetery right there.
You go to the show, you know, you hit the urgent care after, and then boom, you're in a cemetario if it doesn't work out.
Otherwise, you're living free.
Gang, man, onward.
That rural outskirt where, you know, before Trump's America was a thing, it was Trump's America.
Confederate flag up north, trucks with kits.
People say yes, spelled Y-U-T.
And a lot of those folks, you know, became Trump voters.
And I'm down here in Boston.
I went to college here and I stayed here.
And it's hard to explain to people the nuance.
You know, I'm a feminist, I'm progressive in many ways, and I still have love and respect for the people I grew up with.
And I feel like a lot of that is being washed away on both sides.
And there are little places where it still lives.
And you help remind people of that, that you can be many different kinds of a person and love many different kinds of people.
And I just appreciate it.
Well, man, this audio is jacky today.
Thank you for the call, young lady.
And I think it's nice that your boy Kevin took you out there to see the show.
And that's a real, you know, when you get out there to see the show, that's really, I mean, man, it's fun, I feel like.
You know, I've said before, a lot of times I want to be sitting in the audience.
I don't want to be up there on the stage.
I want to be out in the audience and just and be able to enjoy the show, you know.
And I do enjoy it, but it's just a different type of thing.
Yeah, you know, you know, there's a lot.
Look, there's a lot of people in America that are going to vote for Donald Trump.
You know, there's a lot of people that like him.
You know, certainly in the places that I grew up.
And there's people that are in my family that love him.
You know?
There's people that don't.
There's people that don't love him, but that will vote for him.
There's people that will vote for Biden if he runs.
There's all types.
But I do think it is interesting how I'll never turn my back on any of those types of people.
I don't think anyone should tell you who to vote for.
I really, really don't.
I think that's your thing.
And it gets to me how I see how people where I'm from or people, I see how people that love Donald Trump love him.
I see how they support him.
And I don't know.
I mean, I think there's some people that love him, but I think there's some people that just vote for him.
But I see why.
I certainly see why when it comes to being poor and white, because nobody, everywhere else, everybody else looks at you.
The media makes funny all the time.
The only people you can make fun of still are poor white people, you know, on any television shows, it seems like.
You know, if you're from a poor white place, they immediately say you're racist.
They say you're dumb, you know.
They look over us.
And, yeah, but if you're poor in any other color, or if you're impoverished from an impoverished place and you're black or Latino or Muslim or something, then you're, oh, it's, you're, oh, had such a tough time.
You had a tough upbringing.
You know, oh, and I'm not saying you didn't, but I'm just saying you have to be, it's got to be a fair thing.
I don't know.
I don't know.
But, yeah, I don't, if, if you, I don't care who you vote for.
I hope you vote for somebody that that you like.
I really do.
And I don't care what side of the track that they're on.
I really don't.
You know, I've voted for candidates on both sides, which I don't even know if you can legally do that.
But anyway, I didn't mean to just kind of ramble on a lot of that stuff.
But yeah, you know, it hurts me.
It hurts me a lot of times when I hear people say certain things.
Because they just assume.
You know, they assume that people where I'm from are racist.
Man, you know how many times we spent building habitat for humanity houses, going to help with those for poor black families in our area?
And we didn't have a house.
You know, I was on the same bus as those kids.
You know, but what do you, you know, you just, you know, you can't harbor on the stuff.
You just try and do your best.
And, you know, but I've seen a lot of great stuff from a lot of the areas that other people these days and a lot of other people, it's just the media, it seems like definitely, seems to look down on.
Except for when they want to sell you something, boy, they'll take your money.
So that's what people start to do is just be careful where they put their money, you know?
Because perspective is, some people, their perspective is just one thing.
So it's like, you can't get angry at a fish for being in water, man.
You can't get, you just, you can, but is it really that justifiable if all the fish knows is water?
And you over here telling him about air, he don't know about air.
You know, and I'm pretty, you know, fortunate.
I've been able to, you know, I've been fortunate to, you know, kind of just spend time right on the beach, you know, in the air and in the water.
And both are awesome, man.
Gang, bro.
But anyway, I didn't mean to rattle off.
That's a lot of political shit, man.
I shouldn't, you know, sometimes I don't like talking about a lot of that kind of stuff.
But we got too much stuff dividing us these days.
And they win.
When they divide us, they win.
You know that.
Gang, bro, let's take another call that came in right here.
Gang, bro.
Hey, what up, Theo?
Fucking, I'm coming from Vegas.
Just having this shit on my mind.
I don't know what to do, Doug.
I'm about to have a baby and shit.
Oh, congratulations, brother.
That's awesome, man.
If you get a baby, dude, then, you know, you get a real gift, you know, to think that somebody is entrusting you with a life.
That's pretty amazing.
You know, that's crazy that the other side of existence is straight up mailing you a life out of your girl's body, dog.
That's crazy, bro.
That's the original FedEx right there, son.
Gang.
I went to my girl's, like, Facebook and all that shit.
Come to find out, like, she's like a low-key little hoe before I got with her.
She was like fucking some fucking fool.
I don't even know.
Like, a month before she met me and shit.
Like, I've been on her, like, Facebook.
And I see, like, all the fucking motherfuckers that she used to have, like, liking her pictures and all that shit.
She don't have them on there no more.
But I mean, I had to check her, like, fucking, at least fucking three times about that shit.
And, Like, I'll be finding shit like on her conversations with like her fucking family and all that.
And she's over here talking about how she used to fucking have motherfuckers up in her fucking apartment.
Dang, dang, bro.
Appreciate the call, you know, that man, I'm sorry that, you know, I can certainly, you know, I've had a lot of experiences with jealousy, you know, and I'm not accusing you of being jealous, but, you know, you got a good opportunity right now.
You know, all the things you said she used to do before y'all were together.
She had a life before you guys, you know that, man.
So it's, you know, it's really, you know, you gotta, I mean, you can't, you gotta G up, bro.
Maybe have a Red Bull or something and just, you need to, I think you gotta find some ways to forgive her, man.
I think you have to, bro, because you can't be, you're gonna drag all this stuff along forever.
You know, I'm sorry to hear that, but you can't, what was your past like?
You know, I used to be real angry at my girl and then I realized, damn, my past was sketchy, bro.
Hell, my current is sketchy.
I'm sketchy now.
So, you know, when I've had a girlfriend and it's like, damn, you know, I used to get angry, bro.
I used to get angry at my girlfriends.
Dude, my first girlfriend, one time, I got so angry because she had dated this guy before me and I like held that shit against her.
You know, I made her feel bad and stuff, man.
She couldn't, it just, she couldn't do nothing about that, man.
That was before I even knew her.
So, you know, I think you just got to find some ways.
You got a baby coming.
Like, there's, you know, God is giving you this gift between you and this girl.
So it's obvious that there's some real power there between you guys.
And I know it's going to be hard, man, but I think you just got to forgive her and just let, you have to let it go.
You know, I maybe even find somebody to talk to about it.
I think that that could help, man.
I really, really do.
You know, and I'm sorry to just kind of sound like I'm telling you what to do, but I just want to see you enjoy this experience.
I don't want to see you look back and, you know, because it sounds like you're just angry.
And I don't even know if you're really angry at her if you're just angry, you know?
And I don't know.
I just, the last thing we need in this world is some kid coming into it and, you know, and people fighting over the past.
We've got enough fighting over the past going on in the world.
You know, and so I think if you can do it, man, you're going to have to let some of that stuff go and be a cool dad and start a new adventure with her.
You know, I know it's really hard, but you can just be supportive of her and just be a man so she doesn't have to be with these fools anymore.
You know, you're lucky you caught her from these fools.
You know, and a lot of Latinos, man, they like to fight in a car wash.
I remember.
I went to school over there in Tucson and kids always fist fighting over there in the car wash.
And then somebody get the Sud's gun and fucking go to town on some little dude, you know?
Little Ector getting, you know.
Oh, you like the Olympio Ector.
You like the Olympio Papa.
So it's, you know, it's just, you can do it, bro.
But, you know, I would find somebody that you could talk to that that can really help you about it.
And maybe even go into like a 12 steps for anger anonymous or something.
And I'm not trying to call you out.
I'm not trying to say you're a bad guy or anything like that.
I'm really not.
You know, we're just people, bro.
And it's not easy being people.
But that baby, man, I just want you to have fun with that baby.
You know?
And you got a great chance.
She didn't have a baby with any of those fools, bro.
You the one.
So go get it done, Daddy.
You can do it.
You know, I really think you can do it.
All right, let's take one more call here.
Actually, this is a good place to let you know right now about BetterHelp, that this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.
BetterHelp will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist.
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It's not a crisis line.
It's not self-help.
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There's a broad range of expertise in BetterHelp's counselor network, which may not be locally available in many areas.
You know, it's interesting.
We'll get like a gym membership, but we won't get a membership to take care of ourselves emotionally.
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Plus, you can schedule weekly video or phone sessions so you won't ever have to sit in an uncomfortable waiting room as with traditional therapy.
BetterHelp is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches.
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What else do we have, man?
Should we get into one more call?
Here we go.
Let's take this hitter, gang.
Hey, Theo, this is Mike from Illinois.
Got a question I want to run by you.
Just moved to a new town and I've got a little bit of money saved up.
And I work full-time and I'm thinking about starting up the side business.
And for years, I've been looking into it.
I think I'm ready to finally go.
I think about starting my own ice cream truck business.
I got really excited and started looking into it.
Right away, all my friends are kind of coo-pooing the idea.
They called haters, baby.
They called haters, Michael.
More?
Saying it's creepy and that it's, you know, there's a lot of pedophilia, ideology surrounding the whole thing, which I never thought about.
Well, you definitely should have thought about that, man.
You know, we had a guy by us.
They had a company called Perry's Putt Putt.
And they sold mini golf to children.
And hell, I don't even know if they sold it to us.
I think if you just showed up and had shorts on, the man would let you play it.
And the man, I think this man, Mr. Perry, he would get out there and he would, every now and then he would spin the boys around in a circle.
You know?
And he would grab you by your feet and he would spin you around.
And everybody would laugh and stuff and half the time you'd vomit or, you know, spit up a damn now and later or whatever you'd had for lunch.
But yeah, it was a real shithole establishment.
But you got to think about the, yeah, you can't, I wouldn't go alone out there.
You know, if you go in wealthier neighborhoods, it's going to be different.
You're going to deal with the kid is going to come to the thing with the parent or with a babysitter.
But dog, you roll down East McGee Street over there in Covington, Louisiana, son.
You're going to have a couple seven, six-year-olds.
Some kid trade you a video game.
Some kid trade you a freaking, you know, maybe a picture frame with his grandmother in it.
People do more trade and barter for that astro pop, you know.
For that little Mickey Mouse with the gumball nose.
Or give you that for that banana rama, you know, slick, you know, thing.
You know, that banana fudge sickle.
So, fuck, I say do it, man.
But I would get a different type of music.
I would do country music or get crunk with it, you know?
Carl's country cream van.
That's what I'd call it.
Carl's country cream van.
And every now and then you pull over and get out and do a dance.
Do something.
Come with a real ass hustle.
That way, at least if a kid gets diddled out or something or you even flirting with a kid, at least they, you know, you brought some entertainment to the village first.
Otherwise, you get these assholes rolling through the neighborhood.
All they want to do is touch kids and make cream money.
You know?
And they're not doing nothing.
But.
But yeah, man, I think it sounds pretty cool, bro.
I think, hey, you know, I get me one of them Astro Pops.
I don't even know who you can get.
I love Astro Pops, so I give you 75 cents for it.
Or let you feel my elbows, bro.
You know, that shit, boy.
Shout out Perry.
Shout out Perry's putt-putt.
Real rot gut establishment over there.
All right, I'll take one more call here.
Let's get it, gang.
What's up, Farns with the Bonds Daddy?
This is Denzel Saucington, a.k.a.
Barmella Zanthany.
I'm calling from Memphis, Ghanistan, brother.
Oh, Lord, baby.
We got a fella.
He's calling from Memphis, Ghanistan.
That's Memphis, baby.
Oh, yeah, that's home of the first 48, bro.
If you like a little bit of urban murder, bro, crack into that, gang, bro.
I just had three questions for you.
The first one was, have you ever been to Memphis for a show or for anything?
Yes, sir.
And I've been to Memphis, man.
I've been down there on Beale Street where they got the people drinking by the goats.
I've been over there.
You know?
I've been over there and seen.
I've been over to Sun Studios.
I've driven over off to Tupelo and seen where Elvis lived as a baby.
You know, I've been over there in Memphis, over to the Peabody Hotel, where the ducks roll through there.
You know, I've been over there, baby, and I love it, man.
Gang, I love Tennessee.
Onward.
If not, you should come.
We'll definitely keep you safe.
I love how that's your new motto in Memphis, dude.
We'll keep you safe, bro.
Dude, if you've ever seen the first 48, bro, that's Memphis' new motto.
We'll keep you safe, bruh.
Onward, man.
I appreciate it.
Two, you are a very beautiful man.
And that isn't gay because I like women sexually, but I just had to let you know that you are a very beautiful man.
Thank you, brother.
And I appreciate that.
And I feel a little bit more beautiful than I used to when I was young.
Which is interesting because I was definitely handsomer when I was young because I had more blood in my body and more tighter cells and everything.
And I feel you, man.
There's nothing gay about that.
You know, there's nothing real, real gay about it.
If you think another man is be, I mean, it's a little, it's definitely kind of late night, you know, cocaine vibes, kind of, if you say that, you know, that's a beautiful man, but it's onward, onward.
I know part of it has to do with that mullet, but even without the mullet, you're still very beautiful.
It's a haircut.
It's a hockey haircut, really, bro.
I don't know if you ever watched hockey or been to Europe, which is another country, but they have more unique hair there.
You know?
And shout out Hands of Nation, bro.
Gang, over it.
And I just had to let you know that.
I appreciate you, Theo Vaughn.
Dude, you said three questions.
That was one question.
And he told me I'm beautiful, bro.
That's flirting.
So to be real honest, that's flirting, man.
You know, and but hey, whatever, man.
Look, I'll say this, dude.
What about this, bro?
And no homo at all, you know, if you feel me, bro, no homo.
But if you had to take a man out on a date, this is for anybody out there, and it's for straight men, straight men only.
If you had to take a man on a date, on a first date, you had to take a man, say you go over there, you go over to the get, you know, to the side of the tracks where men love men.
And you know what I'm talking about.
Homosexuals.
Say you do it, right?
And it's great if you do, if you love, if you want that.
If you want that in your life, do it.
But if you're a straight man, what kind of date would you take a man on if you were going to take a man out?
I'd love to hear some of those calls.
985-664-9503.
We'll get into some of those next week.
If you were really to be, you know, being wild with a man, you know, if you were going to take a man out, but you're not gay, but you were going to take a man out.
And I think it's really straight of us to even talk about this and, you know, to, you know, and it's, there's nothing wrong with that, man.
So, yeah, so if you got that, man, hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.
Yeah, I want to thank everybody.
I want to thank you guys for the call.
A lot of great calls.
You know, I want to hope that everybody's staying safe out there.
You know, I want to apologize if I said anything that's just kind of too political or anything like that.
I know people get enough of that in the world.
But, you know, I'm, you know, I can't help where God put me into the world at.
And, you know, I feel like, you know, I feel like I have to believe that we're all headed into a best direction.
You know, and I believe that.
I really do.
Because I don't think that I just don't think that this whole adventure of being human is supposed to turn out bad.
Sometimes I want to.
It's fun to think of anarchy.
And, you know, it'd be fun to play Robin Hood and get on your roof and, you know, shoot people down and stuff and that kind of shit.
But, you know, it's, I don't, I think that we're all headed overall into the best, into best practices, you know.
So, but anyway, man, I love you and you guys be good to yourselves, man.
You know, you deserve it.
And thanks for the calls.
And we'll get out to the rest of them next time.
Gang.
Celebrate living, celebrate misery.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
Let's Have some fun while we all die.
Celebrate our days.
Celebrate all y'all days.
All of the payments exercise.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Also, I wanted to thank all of our Patreon supporters.
You know, we just put a new video up on there, too, just so you can check it out.
And, you know, I know we've pared down our Patreon and made it very limited of what we're offering there.
It's just basically a very low-level support of $2.
But still, there's a lot of people that choose to make that support.
And I just want to say thank you very much.
You guys be good to yourself, gang.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Suiar.
Is it deal?
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
Hi, I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
