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May 18, 2020 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

01:49:01

E278 Back from the Road: Brad Williams & Jeff Dye

Theo talks to fellow comedians Brad Williams & Jeff Dye who just returned from their first weekend on the road since the pandemic began. Brad Williams https://www.instagram.com/bradwilliamscomic/?hl=en Jeff Dye https://www.instagram.com/jeffdye/?hl=en ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New Merch https://theovonstore.com ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This episode is brought to you by… Manscaped Visit https://manscaped.com and use promo code THEO for 20% off plus free shipping Grey Block Pizza https://greyblockpizza.com/ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Music “Shine” - Bishop Gunn http://bit.ly/Shine_BishopGunn ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://bit.ly/TPW_VideoHotline ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Time	Text
	Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
	Gray Block.
	Get that hitter, baby.
	Today's guests are two comedians who have just broken back into performing live stand-up comedy.
	That's right this weekend.
	They were in Oklahoma City and Salt Lake City.
	And I'm just really curious as to what their experience was like.
	We have comedian Brad Williams and comedian Jeff Dye.
	We have comedian Jeff Dye.
	Shine that light on me.
	I'll spin and tell you my stories.
	Because you were definitely, I remember the first time I ever met you, Brad.
	It was like I was at USC.
	I don't know what I was doing, not learning.
	I was there just as like an outsider.
	And you came up on a motorbike.
	Yeah.
	Like a small motorbike.
	And I'd never seen anything like this.
	Like, you know, where I was growing up, they had one man who was kind of a smaller man that did mechanic work.
	You know?
	Makes sense.
	You could get in there.
	Yeah, exactly.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	I remember they would sometimes open the hood, put him under there, and then close the hood.
	And he'd fix it while people were driving.
	No.
	So just, oh, he would be in there.
	Like, and he would hide.
	He would do a lot of hiding.
	I'm going to hide, you know, which I think, you know, I don't know.
	That's an advantage.
	Yeah.
	But yeah, man, I remember.
	And then you pulled up at a pretty good clip of speed.
	And I was like, oh, my God, I'm in another.
	I had just gotten into Los Angeles.
	I'm like, I'm in another world.
	Well, you know that Scare Texas show that you mentioned?
	Like, they basically, every prank involved a little person.
	Yeah.
	They're like, oh, she's afraid of teddy bears.
	What if we put Brad in this teddy bear?
	And then we'll make him run around and make him act like a teddy bear at first, but then he'll run around.
	Like, that's good.
	And then the next one's like some lab where it's a giant rat.
	And they're like, yeah, put Brad in a giant rat costume.
	Rat monster.
	Everything is based around a little person, but the guy not got no glory.
	Yeah, and I totally remember that because that Razor scooter released these electric scooters back in the day.
	But like they had one that was look really cheesy, and then they had one that looked like a West Coast chopper.
	And I'm like, all these other kids around USC get to class on a bike.
	I'm riding my West Coast Chopper Razor scooter.
	So I would roll.
	It was insane.
	I'd never seen anything like it.
	I didn't know the laws.
	Yeah, at school, because I was going there.
	I went to USC.
	Oh, my God.
	So, like, yeah.
	And I think, yeah, I booked you for like a comedy show on campus or something.
	Dude, you must have been a legend.
	UFC.
	At UFC?
	I don't know where you went.
	I'm not good with schools and letters and stuff.
	Yeah, it was dwarf UFC.
	Happened in a ball pit at Check City.
	Dude, don't start something.
	That's going to be huge.
	No, it was me and then there was a teacher there.
	Oh, okay.
	And everyone thought I was his kid.
	Right.
	That's how dumb people are about dwarfs.
	They must be related.
	Yeah.
	Everyone thought that that's how I got in.
	It's that, oh, well, your dad works at USC, so that's how you got in.
	It's like, no, I got in.
	It's because they needed someone for the pamphlet.
	Do you?
	Also, I have a regular brain and I'm a regular person.
	They think there must be something.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	No, he got in because he cast a spell on the president.
	Dude, I've always wondered, like, do you, like, you know, is it okay to talk about being if somebody is a small person or smaller or a little bit different?
	Sure.
	But what I'm thinking is, like, sometimes I'll see, like, you know, they have LGTBQ community, but they don't factor in, like, but little people don't get factored into that.
	Well, that's the LPA community.
	Oh, Little People of America.
	Okay.
	That's not even a joke.
	It's, yeah, LPA, which was started by Billy Barty, the actor.
	And then actually when they started, they were called Midgets of America.
	They changed it.
	And then they changed it.
	So that's why, yeah, there it is.
	So when they started it, it was called Midgets of America.
	This guy just killed it, man.
	This guy was in everything.
	Yeah.
	So wait, so this guy started the LPA.
	Yep.
	And so, yeah, so there's a lot of dwarves that have boned each other because of this man.
	Oh, nice.
	Because he started LPA.
	Oh, because it's a place to meet other people that are sources.
	Thank you.
	Thank you for what you did.
	Without this guy, we wouldn't have all those shitty shows on TLC.
	Which were some of my favorite shows, too.
	How do I hit that?
	I hate those shows on TLC.
	Really?
	Yeah, but they're like, we're a family of little people.
	You're like, I don't give a shit.
	And they literally like, we're just like everyone else.
	You're like, then why am I watching it?
	If you're just like everyone else, then why is this?
	But that one man meet you little, man.
	Yeah, little people, big world.
	Oh, you hate them.
	I loved them.
	No, not me.
	Bro, the sister was fine, bro.
	Why is the dad sitting in the tall dude's lap?
	Like, it looks like the dad is disrespectful.
	In that photo, it looks like the dad is sitting in the tall dude's lap.
	I hate these shows.
	I hate these kind of shows.
	Yeah, well, what fascinated about me, about this show, I remember specifically, was they ran a pumpkin ranch.
	Yeah.
	And the fact in my mind, yeah, it blew my mind that you had small people growing the largest vegetable.
	I used to do jokes about it.
	Pumpkins are big squash.
	They're just lugging around like ants.
	Bro, that's a, like, think of it like.
	Yeah, that, yeah.
	I mean, it would make way more sense that they're like, oh, they have a strawberry patch.
	Yeah, like they hustle.
	Yeah, cherries.
	Makes sense.
	Let me hustle these pump pots.
	That's where I was going to go.
	Yeah, there's like, no, no, we got pumpkins.
	Baby tomatoes.
	We're just overachievers.
	I love it.
	Do you sometimes, but sometimes, do you ever look at like a gay person or a diverse person, a black person, maybe a Vietnamese?
	That would be a fun question for me to answer.
	Let's go.
	And does it ever, but you know what I'm talking about?
	I don't know, but I just love you're searching for words to feel okay.
	Filipino.
	You know, people like.
	You know.
	But do you know when I'm talking about unique friends?
	I'll call them.
	Tread Lightly.
	Hey, man.
	We're only white guys.
	We don't got a thing.
	But is there camaraderie there?
	Like, if you see, like, if you're walking down the street, like in like a white neighborhood and there's a black guy and he's walking down the street, is there camaraderie if you guys see each other kind of?
	Oh, between like me and a black guy?
	Yeah.
	No, but I will say this.
	There's not that instant, there isn't that instant camaraderie, but I used to do a bit about this, and it's real.
	Like, I loved how black people would react to seeing dwarves.
	Oh, really?
	Like, it was never just totally different, yeah.
	It was never just like, there's a person, and like, it was never that.
	It was like, oh, shit, little man.
	Like, that's my guy.
	Like, they dab you up.
	Always like, always, like, insanely friendly, but yet kind of insulting.
	You know, it's like, oh, what up, big man?
	It's like, why would you say big man to me?
	That is, like, what?
	Do you see a guy in a wheelchair and just be like, yo, legs, what's going on?
	But also, it does feel kind of good because you're like, this black guy's being really nice to me, but also, I should get mad at him for doing this.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And then, and then, like, like, there was one time it was.
	Yo, legs.
	What a big man.
	It was back when I was at USC.
	That hurts me, man, that they do that.
	I always found it funny.
	I was at USC, and then I was on the street where all the fraternities are.
	It's called The Row.
	It's where all of fraternity Troy Rows are.
	And I was with a few of my friends, and like a group of black guys came up to me and my buddies and just started aggressively, positively complimenting me, but then calling me N-word.
	And then one of my friends got jealous.
	he's like, what?
	I'm not a, and, Like, hell no.
	So you don't, we're cool with the little ones.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I got a pass.
	So you don't, so you get, so there's times where you get an N-word pass.
	Like, not to say it, but I get called it.
	You get to be one.
	Yeah.
	You're really in.
	Yeah.
	It's crazy.
	Yeah.
	So, so there's not like, now, if I walk down the street and I see another person who has some kind of disability, either they're in a chair or another dwarf, then we give each other like a nod, like, what's up?
	Okay.
	You know the struggle.
	I love it.
	But that kind of stops there.
	It doesn't go into like, because, yeah, I always wondered, like, if you see a black guy and they're in like a platea, like, because, you know, a lot of black people feel like outliers kind of, you know, in the U.S. And so I was wondering, like.
	But they don't do that with each other.
	It's not like black people nod at like Puerto Ricans or Vietnamese or like, you know what I'm saying?
	I don't know.
	I don't think that they do that.
	That doesn't cross borders.
	Like lesbians aren't like, what's up, black guy?
	This has been three white guys discuss race.
	I don't think they do that.
	We're just wondering, I don't know.
	You're the closest thing we have to a black guy right now.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Not enough, you know, if he asked for it.
	Wait, so when you're in Texas with guys that you went to like high school with and stuff, and you guys are just, it's just you guys back home.
	Do you guys give each other N-word passes?
	Oh, that's a good point.
	I mean, people use it a lot more.
	I don't think anybody's giving passes, though.
	You guys just give it to each other?
	I think people definitely maybe stole a packet of passes.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Yo, look what I got.
	These passes we can use while we're at home tonight.
	Just us.
	I think people, somebody definitely stole a packet of passes from the principal's office.
	Where'd you get that?
	Oh, man, they're everywhere in Texas.
	Man, like, I just remember Ralphie May would always just say it and not care.
	Like, he would say it.
	Because he was at a weight.
	feel like he was like a kind of a weight you know like a like he had that like he had a he had a I I never understood how he got away with it.
	If you get to a certain level of something where it's like you feel like maybe you're an outcast or something...
	So I can say it.
	It's like, I've been to Chattanooga.
	It's like the most segregated place in the world.
	Dude, he used to say right here, black there.
	He did.
	Really?
	Yeah, he'd say, I'm the number one chatter.
	Oh, really?
	And finish it off, dude.
	Yeah, that's wild.
	And Chattanooga is definitely a little racist anyway.
	It's so segregated.
	And if he's a big fat white guy, he was probably on the white side.
	I mean just by name.
	I didn't mean just by name, dude.
	You know?
	Like, if your high school is like the nougers, like, that's insane.
	Oh, look this up.
	You gotta stop.
	There's a, I don't know if it's a high school or a college in Oklahoma where like their mascot is like the fighting midgets.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	And like everyone, there's some high schools.
	There was one in Illinois, actually.
	I know a kid that I think went to a school and the midget was the mascot of Fighting Midgets mascots.
	Fighting Midgets mascot, Dickinson high school.
	South Dakota.
	Oh, South Dakota.
	North Dakota.
	There it is.
	Dickinson changed school in North Dakota.
	Oh, the Mustangs.
	They change it from the Midgets to the Mustangs.
	I don't know if I like that.
	The little people of America have more clout than all of Native Americans.
	Because Redskins, they're just like, we're not changing them, man.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	In fact, on opening day, we're going to bring out some Native Americans.
	We'll pay them some money, put them in Chiefs' jerseys or whatever.
	Redskins' jerseys.
	Yeah.
	And say, no, we're cool with it.
	Before they even consider changing it.
	Right.
	We'll have Chief Wahoo from the Cleveland Indians, yeah.
	Who's just a white guy who's like riding a horse out there.
	I love Chief Wahoo, though.
	I'm a big fan of Chief Wahoo.
	Really?
	You know the guy?
	No, I don't know the guy, but I'm saying, like, the Indians, you know why they're called the Indians?
	I'm going to nerd out.
	I love baseball.
	Because it's from Indiana?
	Nope.
	Good guess, though.
	No, they were called the Cleveland Spiders.
	And then they had the first ever Native American on the baseball team.
	Oh, wow.
	And then they got like a second Native American.
	They were the only team that had two Native Americans.
	And so one of the guys on the Cleveland Spiders at the time goes, man, we should start calling ourselves the Cleveland Indians.
	He's basically Raz and his teammates.
	And they were like, yeah, it'd make us look super progressive.
	And it'll be good.
	So they literally started calling him the Cleveland Indians.
	They changed the team name.
	And the original Chief Wahoo was actually, he looked a little less racist.
	He kind of looked like one of these Simpsons guys.
	He was like a yellow-faced Chief Wahoo.
	And that's the thing, is Judd Apitau has that great joke they did on the tonight show.
	He's like, any drawing of a Jewish person is inherently anti-Semitic.
	Yeah.
	Because if I hand you a paper and say, draw a Jewish person, and then you hand it back to me, it's going to look pretty offensive, right?
	Because you're trying to draw the attributes of the person.
	Same thing happened with this.
	They said, draw an Indian.
	And the guy's like, yeah, it's a cartoonist.
	Here, scroll down.
	You can see that you can see it.
	Yeah, the original Chief Wahoo.
	He was kind of yellow.
	And then they had to redo it because Native Americans and people were very upset.
	But look at the new one.
	The new one, they just gave him veneers, made him red.
	They made him.
	Yeah.
	Chief Wahoo.
	And also, Chief Wahoo is supposed to mean celebrating Indians.
	Like, Wahoo, we're celebrating, so it's all well-intentioned.
	I say, like, all the Indian stuff is pretty well-intentioned.
	It's just amazing to me that they changed the name to the Cleveland Indians after they had two Indian players.
	Like, can you imagine if but that's kind of nice, though, when you think about it?
	Yeah, they thought they were doing like a funny, cool thing, yeah.
	But, like, just imagine if all teams did that, like when Jackie Robbins was the first one on the Dodgers, no, we're not the Dodgers anymore.
	We're the and then you say something towards the Jackies.
	Dude, they used to be the Atlanta Crackers, and that was a Negro League's team.
	Really?
	The Atlanta Crackers.
	Oh, that's hilarious.
	Oh, they were called the Atlanta Black Crackers.
	Oh, the Black Crackers?
	Because they were kind of saying, like, we're like our team of white boys.
	I don't know if that's how that worked, but they were the.
	There you go.
	The Atlanta Crackers played first in the Southern Association game baseball 1902.
	Yeah, and I don't know if that's why they were called that, but I think the origins of the team name is unknown.
	But there was a, if you go to the Negro League Museum, which is great.
	It's awesome.
	It plays right by the Jazz Museum.
	I didn't even have time for the Jazz Museum because I just, they thought I was patronizing them.
	I stayed over there.
	Is there in Cleveland?
	No, the Negro League Museum is in Kansas City.
	Yeah, it is awesome.
	It's awesome, yeah.
	And I stayed over there so much because I just love baseball so much.
	And they thought I was mocking them.
	They're like, nobody likes it this much.
	Like, this guy's been in there for like six hours.
	I watched everything.
	I read everything.
	That's how I know all this crap.
	But yeah, they were called the Atlanta Crackers.
	And I think that they were doing that as an F you to the White League.
	Like, all right, well, because we were the Crackers.
	Because when I saw that high school was called the Fighting Midgets, I'm like, I want a t-shirt.
	That's cool.
	I don't want you to shut down.
	Well, the intentions are good.
	I think that's how I measure it.
	Not everyone measures it that way, but that's right.
	And it's like you're naming your school the fighting midgets.
	That means you think that the midget is intimidating.
	It's powerful.
	You know what I mean?
	That means it's like, oh, you're a tiger.
	Fuck you.
	We're the midgets.
	And when in real life, we would be a snack.
	But they're like, no, our fighting midgets are tigers.
	What's worse, being ignored and acting like you're not a thing?
	Yes.
	Or being acknowledged and dealing with whatever kind of uncomfortability of that difference is.
	Does that make sense?
	No, totally.
	And because the worst thing you could do to anyone who is quote unquote different is ignore that person and ignore the difference.
	Yeah.
	Like if I see a guy, it happened this weekend.
	Oh, okay.
	So I did shows in Oklahoma City this weekend, and right in the front row, a female dwarf sat right in the front row.
	She's right, and it's just, it was like, okay, I have to mention this.
	I can't not talk about the fact that there's a dwarf right there in the front row.
	And I asked her what she did for a living.
	And no bullshit.
	She goes, I'm a psychologist.
	And I go, and I started laughing.
	And everyone's like, why are you laughing?
	I go, because she's a shrink.
	That's perfect.
	And I'm like, come on.
	Like, you've got to.
	That's perfect.
	Did she love it?
	She loved it.
	And that moment would have never happened.
	Sure.
	If I would have just ignored, like, oh, I don't see another little person in my audience.
	What's up, Big Tiffany?
	And she's like, no one's ever called me that.
	That's a big girl.
	But that's like how I want to live my life.
	It's like, I'm friends with lots of different people and walks of life.
	I don't just blanketly think I'm a good person and not knowing.
	You know how many people are like, we got to fight for these trans rights.
	I'm like, name five of your trans friends.
	And they're like, well, I've never met a trans.
	Yeah, exactly.
	Shut the hell up.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Take a trickery like that, dude.
	It's all.
	That's just hectic, man.
	It's hectic to like.
	Yeah, I think it, but naturally, you feel a certain way.
	Like, naturally, you kind of know how to behave.
	Yeah.
	You know, I feel like.
	And then you can tell if somebody else is upset.
	Yeah.
	You know, you go, okay, that was bad.
	Yeah.
	That was too much.
	And then you apologize.
	I like that you're asking him like questions.
	I mean, you guys have probably been friends for a long time, but you'll ask him questions.
	like, hey, is it okay if I just ask you?
	And that's, I think, way more respectful than having someone and just completely, like my buddy's, my buddy Nico, his son has like a, like kind of a birth defect in his hand, Yeah, kind of like an injured turtle.
	You know, he's got like three.
	Oh, like Ryan Nee Miller, kind of.
	And when I say that, what do you mean?
	I just asked.
	What happened?
	Yeah.
	And he was happy to talk about it.
	And we didn't have to be this like weird, like, hey, what happened to your son?
	You know, I think that's how you should address those things.
	Yeah.
	Let's talk about that.
	That's how I do it.
	Usually, like, if I'll see somebody that's missing a limb or something, I'll just ask them, hey, what happened?
	You know, how did you lose your leg?
	What happened to your leg?
	He's like, man, I'm just trying to get a Starbucks.
	You're like, just tell me what happened.
	Tell me what happened to that leg.
	Like, let me sign it.
	And they're like, it's not a cast.
	It's a piece of titanium.
	And they're like, well, he's like, Theo Vaughn.
	Get away from me with that marks a lot.
	Never change.
	I want to talk.
	I'm sitting here with Brad Williams and Jeff Dye, both comedians.
	Allegedly.
	Road dogs.
	We're the road dogs on that show.
	And you guys, I feel like, are both of the first guys who have gone and performed live comedy since this whole thing.
	Yeah.
	We organized Wise Guys this weekend.
	Yeah, and I was.
	And you're there next weekend, right?
	Yeah.
	And I was at Brick Brown.
	Not virtually.
	We flew there.
	We flew there.
	We did the whole thing.
	It's so crazy.
	I was at Bricktown Comedy in Oklahoma City.
	So, yeah.
	Explain to me.
	Yeah, I was at Wise Guys in Salt Lake City.
	Explain to me why it's crazy.
	Well, I guess, I mean, my first, I guess, like, I don't have any fear of people coming to the event.
	I didn't have any, my thoughts anyway.
	I didn't have any thoughts about that.
	I had thoughts about, like, as a comedian being on stage, since there's going to be less people in the audience, would I feel like bummed out?
	Would I feel like this isn't the same?
	Yeah, I thought about that.
	Like, are these waitresses going to make enough money tonight?
	I'll tell you who didn't make enough money.
	The comedian.
	Yeah.
	Well, that's right.
	Now they've got a reason to go, hey, man, we have a limited audience.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	So, you know, it's only, we have to cap them out at 100.
	I can't, like, work a bonus deal or anything like that.
	So that was it.
	But the waitresses made great money.
	They did?
	Yeah.
	Yes, because everyone's so audiences, and you guys will both know this, and maybe anyone that listens that isn't a comedian, you might not know.
	But audiences are famously, and more so than ever now that podcasts have blown up.
	People didn't used to know comedians.
	They just went to the improv and they'd maybe hope to see one famous person, and then all the other comedians, they'd be like, this is great.
	I would say in the last eight years I've witnessed with the success of you and Segura and basically everyone that's on this wall is now people, if they haven't seen you before, they're like, who's this guy?
	I've never heard of him.
	And then the vibe shifts to this weird, like, make me laugh, bitch.
	Like, that's the vibe where I'm unfunny until proven funny.
	And then it kind of is like, oh, he is funny.
	And I have never even heard of him because I listen to all the podcasts.
	I'm shocked that someone is funny that I don't know, right?
	Whereas that totally changed.
	Yeah.
	This weekend, dude, people were so generous.
	Like, one dude tipped our server like 200 bucks.
	Wow.
	All these people were gushing to me, like, oh my God, thank you.
	It was, they were just so happy.
	I was crushing on like throwaway lines.
	Like, so it was very generous.
	Yeah.
	Did you feel, what were some of you guys' fears going into it before we even talk about what the weekend, what the weekends were like?
	Like, did you have any like just our thoughts, even just thoughts?
	Yeah, I wasn't worried about the shows.
	And in terms of like, you look out in the audience and it sounds different because it's at a third capacity or half capacity or whatever it is.
	My philosophy is, okay, or I could stay home and there's no show.
	There's no one getting laughs.
	There's nothing, you know, so, and yeah, you're not going to just flip a switch and we all come back and it's exactly the way it was.
	We got to gradually get into it and, you know, kind of test the waters a little bit.
	And then if it's good, then we'll then move up to the next level.
	I was more worried about the travel than anything.
	And it was, for me, like, the worst part for me wasn't the shows.
	I love the shows.
	The audiences, much like you said, were great.
	They were so starred for content.
	They wanted to go out.
	They wanted to have fun.
	But traveling, that was weird because you had to wear the mask the whole time, which when you go to the grocery store, it's like, okay, it's an hour.
	But when you're flying, when I'm flying to Oklahoma City, that's six hours of wearing a mask.
	You don't realize how many snacks you try to sneak in there.
	Trying to drink drinks.
	Yeah, like that's six hours of wearing a mask.
	And then like- You know, yeah.
	And like, they're not serving food on the plane.
	So you got, like, if it's a long flight, you're like, okay, I got to snack up before I get on.
	And were the seats spaced out in your flights more?
	Was there something like that?
	Southwest was American Airlines did not give a you're too famous.
	You're too famous to fly Southwest, bro, first of all.
	This guy's flying Southwest.
	You're killing him, man.
	I've not been on the floor.
	I've been on fairness for Southwest.
	It was 98 bucks.
	Hey, you got it.
	So I flew from LAX to Salt Lake City, and then Salt Lake City to Seattle, Seattle to LAX because they canceled all these legs of flights.
	Longer trip home.
	There was nobody in the airports.
	Nobody on my flight.
	That was kind of eerie, but that's pretty safe.
	I mean, like, if I see no people, I'm not afraid.
	Also, I will say, and I know this is going to annoy all the liberal New York comedians that I'm going to say this, but I dealt with it pretty selfishly.
	Like, I was like, I'm not afraid.
	I want to go tell jokes.
	I'm wearing the mask out of respect for others.
	If you want to come hug me, I don't give a shit.
	Like, I'm so.
	Well, and also, like, you don't care.
	Like, for you personally, you're in that group that, according to the science, it's like you should be fine.
	Right.
	Like, you don't have an immune problem.
	You're a healthy guy.
	You got a big dick.
	Like, like, you, like, you.
	Well, I will say the people that come to my shows obviously seem to not care either.
	Right.
	And I don't see.
	So if they get me sick or I get them sick, fuck them.
	Yeah, they come out.
	Yeah.
	They came out.
	And so it's like, I'm not hurting Graham, Graham.
	She's at home.
	Right.
	And I know that that's a selfish take, and I'm admitting that I'm selfish because I just want to get back to comedy so bad.
	Yeah.
	And I'm so tired of being at my house with my dog.
	I tried to do one of those virtual shows, had a great time, but it wasn't the same.
	Yeah, I did.
	And so I need to, I needed it.
	I needed to, like, I need my hotel rooms.
	I need to flirt with girls.
	I need to tell jokes.
	I needed some sort of semblance of what I'm used to.
	Whenever you got to the club, like, did you feel like, did they seem really, really excited to, like, be back in business?
	Yeah, they were stoked.
	And the wait staff was stoked because they had a job.
	You know, that's like, people were happy, man.
	Yeah.
	It's, I mean, I'll respect anyone's wishes if they want to stay home, if they want to go out, whatever.
	But, like, I understand when you say, oh, all the restaurants are closed.
	There's some people there that just, okay, they can't hunker down for three, four months and then be fine.
	Like, their rent is due.
	They got to buy food.
	They got to do all these things.
	Like, so I respect that if they're like, no, I have to go work.
	But also, we weren't at a beach, like, laying on each other and sweating and kissing and stuff.
	I was at a comedy club that literally, like, everybody that came in had their temperature taken.
	They had their hands sanitized.
	They had to wear masks to come in.
	They had to wear their mask on the way out.
	When they get sat at their table, the tables are six feet apart.
	There's no party larger than four.
	Each comic had their own separate microphone that were sanitized in between the show.
	So, I mean, there's a safe way to do this.
	Did you bring your mic from home?
	You didn't bring it up.
	I jokingly brought a mic from home to do a gag.
	I used to do this gag.
	This is going to be bad.
	Sorry.
	Yeah, it was bad.
	Well, actually, I'll tell you, it's funny once.
	If you see me at the store and then you see me do it again in the improv, you're like, I just saw this idiot.
	So the joke is, like, I would come out.
	I did this way before the quarantine.
	I would come out and I would look like I was disgusted with the microphone.
	And I would like take it out and then put it on the table.
	And then I'd pull out like gold microphone out of my back pocket, pop it in, just act And then I'd be like, yeah, you know, they don't clean those things.
	And it just makes me look like this elitist kind of guy.
	I like that.
	The problem with that bit is it's hilarious if I'm following like that, you know, Drew, that stuttering guy, or if I'm following, you know, Theo or something.
	But if I'm following like Miss Pat and I just come out and I'm like, oh, fuck.
	Oh, yeah.
	Now the crowd's like, what the hell was that, man?
	Yeah.
	Is this dude like a racist?
	Like, so that's why I had to stop.
	I stopped doing it.
	Tommy Lee does it.
	You're like, you know those people.
	You're like, oh.
	You know, those people that aren't welcome at the VFW.
	You know what I'm talking about?
	And I'm so dumb that I didn't put that together.
	I was just like, why did nobody laugh this time?
	You look like an asshole.
	And so I stopped doing it.
	My Jamar neighbors went on before you, and now you look like a piece of shit.
	I'm so dumb and even connected.
	So I brought that same mic and did the same gag each show for this.
	Oh, that's fun.
	Yeah, because there was four mics for all.
	And I said, take one of those mics down, and I'm going to pretend like they didn't leave me a mic, and I'm just going to have to do the gag that I brought my own.
	Yeah, and that's the thing is, like you said, there's precautions that you could take.
	So it's definitely like it's not, yes, the safest thing would be to just stay in your homes and throw a blanket over you and never leave your house.
	Yeah, that's the safest Thing, but there are ways to do these shows that it's like, okay, yeah, take temperatures, stay spread apart.
	And no one was sat at a table with someone they didn't know.
	So it's like, yeah, if you came in the same car together, you sat at the same table.
	And I have coronavirus, and I feel fine, man.
	I don't know what the big hubbub is, you know?
	Dude, coronavirus models would be cool if they had like a group of men or women that have it, but that are fine.
	Pretend.
	Put some sores on us.
	I don't know who would be.
	What comedians would be at?
	I've always, Jeff's only, he used to be like kind of you.
	Maybe DeLee gets factored in, I think, by his confidence.
	Oh, for like handsome, good-looking male comedians.
	There's tons, man.
	Kevin Hart, John Mulaney.
	Lachlan Peterson.
	Lachlan Peterson.
	No one's better looking at that.
	No one is there.
	What's that?
	Lachlan Patterson.
	Patterson.
	Sorry.
	I fucked up his name.
	Lachlan Patterson.
	No one's better looking than Lachlan Patterson.
	There is that generic, like, not generic, but there's that old ideology, like, oh, he's too good-looking to be a comedian or something.
	If you look at how many, like, there's tons of good-looking comedians.
	Together?
	Yeah.
	Richard Pryor, I guess, was kind of handsome.
	You're a good-looking.
	Like, you're an attractive guy.
	Well, but then it's like Jerry Seinfeld's not ugly.
	Johnny Carson was handsome.
	Yeah, because you also have to factor in.
	Letterman's ugly.
	We're looking at it from the scope of Los Angeles, like, oh, well, I'm in LA 6 or whatsoever.
	But yeah, but then you go out to South Dakota to perform for the Fighting Midgets, and you're like, oh, I'm a nine.
	Exactly.
	This is awesome.
	Yeah, Chris is a good-looking.
	Christine Lee is a good-looking guy.
	There's like a, think about Lachlan Jesus.
	Look at Lachlan.
	That's a handsome.
	That is a handsome dude.
	What's the guy?
	I don't even know what he's talking about, dude.
	He could be a comedian.
	He could be working for Postman.
	Jack the Knight is a good-looking guy, but nobody would ever go, you're too good-looking to do comedy because that's a black guy.
	So they're just going to go, you know, his thing's a black guy.
	You can't say that he's too handsome.
	Yeah.
	You spelled Jack wrong.
	Jack, he spells Jay wrong.
	But they found it, though.
	Okay, Google's like, we know what you mean, white guy.
	I know.
	But that's the thing is, why is it when Kevin Hart's handsome, they're not like, he's too good-looking for comedy.
	Like, well, he's short and he's a black guy.
	Let him, you know, it's like, what?
	He's a really good guy.
	There's a black pass.
	You get a black pass for a lot of people.
	Super handsome.
	Yeah, so yeah.
	There's some good looking.
	You had to grow a mullet, for God's sakes.
	Everyone was going, that guy's too good looking.
	Oh, dude, I felt horror.
	I felt so uncomfortable without long hair.
	Really?
	Oh, dude.
	Once I grew my hair long, I never, now I couldn't even imagine it being short again.
	I just felt, I don't know, I just felt so exposed before.
	Dude, if you never grow up, because here's what happened.
	I saw a pictures of myself.
	I said, man, I never had long hair.
	I'm never going to have it in my whole life, I guess.
	And so then I grew it out and I was like, oh, wow, dude, I love this.
	This is what I was supposed to have.
	You look like that.
	Some asshole kept taking me to get my hair cut.
	My mother.
	Miss Bobby, dude.
	This lady named Miss Bobby.
	And I thought she was a man forever because of her name, but she wasn't.
	It was just, she was like 90 and they used to call her B-O-B-B-I-E.
	And she used to cut my hair for fucking $4, dude.
	Miss Bobby.
	Miss Bobby.
	Shout out to that dude.
	And Miss Bobby.
	She had scissors.
	That was her, basically, her.
	That's how she got the job.
	Her poppers.
	No, yeah.
	Yeah.
	You just show up.
	You cut one, you figure it out.
	No mirrors in the whole place where you cut it.
	No.
	No mirrors.
	No, she doesn't want to be.
	She's back.
	Yeah.
	So what else did the place?
	So I didn't even think about the mics.
	So the microphones on stage.
	Because I'm just trying to think, like, yeah, to me, did it feel like you guys were pioneers?
	Like, did you guys feel like, holy shit?
	I didn't think I was until I got back.
	I posted.
	You didn't post yours.
	I posted on Instagram.
	I posted all mine on all the stuff.
	Just say, hey, I'm out.
	Comedy's back.
	Let's do this.
	Come to the shows.
	Let's have a good time.
	Blah, blah, blah.
	And I must have gotten, and I'm not exaggerating, probably 40 people, 40 comics either text or called the next day.
	Looking for work?
	Looking to get?
	No, saying, what was that like?
	Oh, yeah, that's her.
	Every two.
	Annie Letterman's never called my phone in my life.
	We'll do snotty texts back and forth.
	I'm like stoned at a hotel and Annie Letterman's called.
	Yeah, she's great to sext with, even though neither one of y'all is going to hook up with each other.
	I'm no joke.
	Annie's great for that.
	She just loves fun conversations.
	She's like, well, practice sexting.
	I was bad on the phone with her because I was just going like, whoa.
	I didn't expect anyone to call.
	I don't know.
	I shouldn't have even answered.
	Yeah, I got a few comics calling me, too.
	And it's like, you guys know that it's just comedy.
	It's the same.
	It was the same.
	It was the same.
	Yeah, there's a few less people.
	I was more bummed that in between shows or during the daytime, I couldn't walk around and do things in the city.
	I did do things.
	I was bummed about that.
	I did that, but it was just the same as kind of California, like where I walked to a coffee shop.
	I was able to have coffee there.
	I sat in this park.
	There was a bar that had an open patio you could sit on.
	Oh, there you go.
	So that was kind of nice.
	And I was giddy.
	I wouldn't shut up.
	I was sitting with two friends.
	Yeah.
	And I just was motor-mouthed because I was so excited to be back in the sunshine on a patio with like a cold beer and like food.
	And I was like being able to just do.
	Yeah.
	Because I've been in my house, man.
	It's boring.
	So you were in Oklahoma City.
	Yeah.
	And that was rough because that club, it's a great club.
	It's in the middle of this downtown area called Bricktown.
	And I got sad walking around during the day because it's like, there's a minor league baseball park right there where Redbirds played.
	Oklahoma City Dodgers play.
	And then the Thunder Stadium is right there too.
	And there's a big movie theater.
	There's a river walk.
	There's all this stuff.
	I'm like, wow, if this was all open, I could have gone to a baseball game during the day, come a day early, see the Thunder play, see a movie.
	Like, it would have been a whole great weekend.
	So that club's going to be fantastic once everything starts opening up again.
	It's going to be great.
	That one's the club.
	Adam Norwest?
	Yeah.
	That's that club.
	Yeah, the same people that do Tacoma.
	It looked like they packed them kind of in on yours.
	I saw a picture of the show.
	Because I'm finding any of the stuff.
	I was looking for yours.
	When he told me you did, I was like, Brad didn't go on the road.
	Because we talked about you going to Wise Guys.
	Yeah.
	Going to the other side.
	Who was he there?
	Yeah.
	And so I was looking for it, and I only could find like a dude tagged you in a photo from the back green room area.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Where the seats were.
	Were you nervous about putting it on social media?
	I was.
	I put it on Instagram because that's people that follow you, that like they like you, they love you.
	I didn't put it on Twitter because I was nervous that someone would start retweeting it.
	I was hoping someone would start calling me an asshole for going out.
	Go ahead and fucking goddamn living.
	Go ahead, Nikki Glazer, talking about being you're such a hero for staying home with your parents.
	Go ahead, come at me.
	Oh, how heroic.
	You millionaire.
	You haven't had sex for two months.
	Get a life.
	You could do it.
	Nikki, you do grosser things all the time, bragging about anal sex.
	You're worried about a virus nobody's ever seen.
	Shut up.
	Yeah, wear a face mask on your beehole if you want to really take care of.
	There's some sort of weird heroic, like, oh, we're such heroes.
	There is.
	Well, I noticed, too, that there's this thing where I think a lot of people want you to stay home because it gives them, and I'm not saying this about Nikki, but just it gives them a sense of control and a sense of like, okay, I don't have to do anything.
	Nobody can do anything.
	There's the photo.
	It keeps him in a safe space.
	Yeah, that's the one I was referring to.
	Yeah.
	So they're pretty close to each other.
	Wow, that's nice, man.
	Yeah.
	Well, they only look close to each other compared to where I played, I guess.
	Well, that, and it's like, okay.
	I mean, I'll tell you that from this stage, this is a weird angle because, yes, it looks very close to each other.
	But it's like those photos of the beach where they're like, so-and-so's on the beach, you know, all the people.
	And then if you really zoom in, you're like, oh, no, people are separate.
	They're not like throwing a towel on top of each other.
	Or like in the NFL, they always air the game from the side.
	So it looks like those linemen are right next to each other.
	But if there was a bird's eye view or if it goes north to south, you can see that there's a gap.
	Yeah, yeah, there's a gap.
	Yeah, or like whenever you get it, catch a fish.
	Remember, if you caught a fish and you put it in the back of a fake truck, remember, and took that picture?
	You're like, look at this big fish.
	And it was just a little fish.
	Yeah, favorite fish.
	Dude, it was great.
	Grandpa obviously do that.
	They all had a great time.
	And yeah, it was just so, like, I got so many messages afterward from everyone's wanting to know.
	Yeah.
	All my scared friends going, uh-huh.
	Yeah.
	You're doing that?
	Yeah, it's almost like you guys are almost like the Neil Armstrong and whoever the and Buzz Haldrin, I feel like, of comedy.
	I'm not even joking, man.
	It was like, I was like, oh my God, because I've been taking a break from having guests, just having guests on the podcast, just been really tired.
	And so, but I was like, oh, my God.
	I said, I just have to know about this.
	And I think, yeah.
	That's bread.
	Yeah, there we go.
	Oh, nice.
	That's a good shot.
	I'm up there.
	Yeah, because I didn't do a meet and greet afterward.
	So I had a moment where I was like, all right, everyone, take out your phones and I'm going to do some poses on the stage so you can have a photo and post on your social media because I didn't want to do a meet and greet.
	So I started grabbing the mic stand and doing stuff that I would never do actually during my act.
	And I thought, ah, social distancing.
	I'll just wave a mic stand around my face.
	You must be strong, man.
	Those mic stands are heavy.
	They are pretty heavy.
	Little compact biceps.
	I also want to go in and say, and was Brad Williams, Brad Williams comic at Brad Williams Comic was amazing.
	Funny as hell for someone so little.
	What does that mean?
	That's the comment.
	Funny as hell for someone so little.
	What do you think?
	tiny person telling jokes isn't going to be good.
	I thought it was jokes.
	I thought the laughs would be one third of a...
	Man, I mean, he's tiny.
	I didn't think a tiny guy would be funny.
	I will admit, my meat and greed got irresponsible.
	Did he?
	Because, yeah, because, you know, I'm talking a big game on stage, acting like I don't care.
	I'm doing all these jokes about how, like, I was like, I didn't get my coronavirus from some millennial sneezing ominous uber.
	When I heard about it, I ordered bats.
	I ate a bat.
	That's what I did.
	I want it from the source.
	I got it the right way.
	So I'm doing all these like, and that's riling them up a little, you know?
	And so it's riling them up in the worst way.
	We're like, yeah, fuck these masks.
	What do we, you know, and like, that's the worst.
	That's irresponsible.
	But I was just doing comedy.
	And then afterwards at the mean grid, they're like, hey, can we get a party with you?
	And I was like, yeah, you want a mask or no mask?
	And they're like, dude, we don't care about that.
	And they're like all touching.
	It did get a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little.
	But do you get nervous at that point a little?
	No, I don't care.
	Yeah, then the guys were starting to lick your face and stuff.
	That was a little bit broken.
	It's the same thing I thought as earlier.
	It's like, they're obviously, you know, if they get sick, they get sick.
	Yeah.
	That's on them.
	Yeah, it's interesting.
	It's like it's definitely become, I think, a lot of people that are, it's like, you know, do I, am I risking getting sick or am I just, do I think that this thing has kind of run its course?
	Do I feel like we've done everything that we can is like by flattening the curve?
	It's always kind of two weeks, you know, every time they say like, oh, two weeks to this, two weeks to that.
	I think you just got to make your decision.
	It's like, yo, I would never judge anyone for wearing gloves out in public and doing the mask and like keeping it.
	I think that's great.
	I think that's awesome.
	I just, if you don't want to do that, you know, like, what's that one guy?
	God?
	He gave us like free will?
	Yeah.
	And we love that about him.
	We love that he lets us do whatever.
	Well, like, whatever the consequences are.
	Right.
	Yeah.
	That's your, yeah, because that's the way that I feel a lot of times.
	I'm still going to be smart and wise.
	I've always had, I feel like, decent instincts, so I'm going to trust my instincts.
	Yeah.
	And like, like my parents are both like 75, and my dad's immune compromised.
	He should not be going out.
	And if you're going to go hang out with him, you shouldn't be.
	Exactly.
	I should go get tested.
	If grandma's living with you at your house, then you have a different responsibility.
	So we're not saying everyone just go out.
	But if you're young, healthy, 30-year-old, 20-year-old, and you're like, I want to go just have a little bit of fun.
	And there was very few times someone was in my bubble.
	Right.
	To be honest.
	Like, if I look over the entire weekend, there was very few times that anyone was even that close to me.
	Yeah, there really is.
	Actually, whenever you go to a comedy club, there really aren't a lot of times, except for when you're in the green room with other comics, there's not a lot of times.
	And if you don't do meet and greet, then there's not a lot of times where you interact like real, too close with other people, really.
	You come out on stage.
	I mean, you're almost really the safest person in the room in a lot of ways.
	That is the comedian.
	That was my thought.
	And I even, when I was doing my show, I even tried to be at the back of the stage because I thought, oh, if I talk and I spit out.
	Because I've done that before where I've been on stage and I've said something and I watched the spit out.
	Oh, yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	I shout out that bus.
	And it's like, oh, that's going right in.
	Oh, that's bad.
	That guy's getting it.
	I had one guy walk on the Friday early show because we had all the microphones out there.
	All three of them, I guess, because I told him to strike one of them and then I used the thing.
	And so the other two microphones are just behind me with the things in.
	And I'm saying like, right, guys, are we really that scared?
	Even the people that are the most scared, who claim that they're the most scared of this, they're all at home going, oh, did you watch Tiger King and sending each other like big black-eyed dick memes.
	Like, nobody's really that afraid.
	If this is the end of the world, like, no one seems to really be that scared.
	And so the people are like, you know, cheering.
	And so I go, right, we're not afraid.
	And I just started palming the other mics of the other comics, like mics, like with my bare hands.
	Well, that's also because you're in Utah.
	Utah, and that basketball player, Rudy.
	No, not Ryan.
	Rudy Gobert.
	Rudy Bear.
	So I thought it would be funny to do a thing like that.
	Also, they sanitize those mics in between.
	And I'm the last guy.
	So we're going to sanitize those anyways.
	So I thought it was funny.
	Everyone's having a laugh.
	And this dude was fucking furious.
	He stood up.
	He went to the front.
	He's like, what is he doing in there?
	I mean, this is the whole thing is that we were doing this responsibly.
	And he's doing all of that.
	And I was like, wow, so that guy's kind of in the middle then.
	That guy's like.
	Yeah.
	Well, and he also watched the whole show with his mask on.
	He had like the entire show.
	Most people took the mask off for the show.
	And then they put the mask back on.
	He had his whole thing.
	How brave is that guy, though?
	Think about that.
	Like, if in your head, that's where you are fear-wise, and you go to a place.
	Yeah.
	And you're like, I'm going to rough it out.
	I'll make myself do this.
	Yeah.
	It's my wife's birthday.
	And like I said, if you want to stay home, I'm not going to make fun of anyone for wanting to stay home.
	Like, stay home.
	It's fine.
	But then if someone wants to go out and be responsible and, you know, it's like, yeah, if you're walking up to people and strangers and spitting on them or licking their faces, okay, you're kind of a dick.
	But if everyone's kind of like playing their part and doing their thing, okay, we can start coming back to what we had before.
	Well, some people are making it sound like just by leaving your home at any time to do anything, you're a part of the problem.
	Like you must be some Republican crazy person who thinks this virus isn't real.
	It's like, no, there's ways to go about your life and try to earn some money and try to have your job or try to maintain groceries.
	There's ways that you can go do your life.
	Yeah, oh no.
	Safely.
	Right.
	And responsibly.
	I got it big as good.
	Not as what it was, but it's like are people being responsible?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I had someone yell at me in my neighborhood for taking my dog for a walk because I didn't have my mask on.
	It's like, no one walks towards us.
	No one does anything.
	I'm taking my dog for a walk.
	Like that.
	And I have an 80-pound pit bull.
	I need to be able to breathe and have some oxygen to hold this fucking back.
	This dude is hated to watch you watch him.
	I should sell tickets to just me walking my dog.
	It's going, it's a midget walking a pit bull.
	Yeah.
	It's just so cool.
	On an OnlyFans, I'd watch that on the bottom.
	I'd watch that.
	I would.
	I want an image of that.
	Like, just of like Brad just mind his business.
	He's got like a.
	Oh, I probably got some photos on my Instagram about.
	Dude, you could have an insane OnlyFans, I feel like, if you really wanted to.
	Dude, if I wanted to, like.
	Like, if you want to really push that.
	Oh, so this is something that my wife and I did do because we have a four-month-old child, and my wife sold her breast milk to some bodybuilders.
	Is that legal?
	Maybe.
	There, that's my dog.
	In California, it is.
	No, you can, but like, did she make good money, or was it the same as a gallon of homogenized milk?
	How much money you have?
	No, no, I don't think you ask how much money.
	I think at this point, you just accept that they needed the money and that they did it.
	You charge if someone says, hey, man, I'm a big fan of Theo Vaughn.
	How much for your used underwear?
	You're like, get out of here, gross.
	You're gross, man.
	And then they're like, how about 500 grand?
	You're like, yeah, I'll get you a couple pairs.
	And that's how I'm thinking about breast milk.
	It's like, here I am being all judgy.
	But then when I hear the amount, I'm going to go, all right, yeah, it makes it.
	It was more than a gallon of milk.
	Let's just say that.
	And so people, what they price-wise.
	You weren't sending more than a gallon of her breast milk.
	That would take a while.
	No, the price.
	Yeah, the price wise.
	Jesus, your wife, yeah.
	She's so dehydrated.
	Now, how do you, when they get that, what do you put it in?
	Like a little bag or something?
	Yeah, there's a bag that there, because my wife would also donate breast milk to some hospitals to wear like something.
	Like Mad Max.
	Yeah, sure.
	Like Mad Mex.
	Remember those women they had to get all their breast milk?
	They were like lactation people.
	Pulling that milk out the lady right there.
	I've never had it.
	Actually, I had a little.
	I think a girl put something in my mouth once.
	Just off her feet.
	But this is at a restaurant, dude.
	This is like after the restaurant had closed, the family was still in there.
	This is after the restaurant had closed, the family was still in there.
	Okay.
	Did you like get it from the source?
	Did you like squirt across the room or how did it happen?
	From the source, man.
	I want to know where it feels from.
	This is in Tucson.
	This is in Tucson, dude.
	A lady was in there.
	You're in a panic where they'll put a little person in the engine.
	Miss Bobby's got no mirrors and she's cutting hair.
	You got to at a restaurant, a family dining establishment gave you breast milk from the source.
	She put a little on her finger, but what are these men doing with that, Brad, when they get it?
	They were bodybuilders.
	And so breast milk allegedly has like a higher protein.
	So like some bots, so like some bots some bodybuilders really like to have breast milk.
	So I've got some friends that are in that community and once they found out, they're like, dude, we get something.
	And I'm like, sure, but pay for it.
	Yeah.
	I'm going to give you my baby's milk.
	You think I'm squeezing my wife out over here?
	Yeah.
	Exactly.
	Look at this.
	Here it says right here.
	Mothers are making thousands of dollars selling their pumped breast milk online to bodybuilders.
	Some bodybuilders claim breast milk helps build muscle mass more than any other food.
	I could see that.
	You know what's interesting about making money that you feel weird about?
	Oh, breast milk is actually much lower in protein than cow's milk.
	And bodybuilders, specifically large men, need much more protein.
	Oh, so they're wrong?
	You can find us a chart actually that shows like the protein in breast milk compared to other milk.
	Yeah, but it was a nice little side hustle.
	Oh, definitely.
	So I got a golden doodle, right?
	I just got him.
	He's like, six months old now.
	Yeah, great dog.
	And every time there's been times where people go, you're going to get him neutered?
	And I say, yeah, not yet.
	He's only six months.
	His nuts haven't even dropped.
	And then one lady, she goes, oh, you're not going to neuter him, are you?
	And I was like, oh, one of these people, right?
	And so I was like, well, I mean, I don't know.
	Probably.
	I haven't thought about it.
	She's like, well, you know, it's good money.
	And I was like, what?
	And she goes, oh, well, like, what you can do is you can, there's like a stud fee where basically like if you want your dog to have sex, you'll like, someone will take your dog for a few hours, bring him back, your dog just gets to have sex, and then they come back and hand you a check for a pretty good amount.
	Wow.
	Okay.
	Yeah.
	That happens, yeah.
	That's great.
	My dog needs sex anyways.
	I'm not going to watch, but like if they want to take him off my hands for a little while, he can go do that.
	They say, Give me a thousand bucks, and then my dog comes back all happy and tired.
	I think that's a pretty good deal.
	And you got a fat G, yeah.
	It's not like a golden doodle girl is gonna show up on our doorstep, like, yo, my father lives here.
	Like, yo, we need some child support.
	Like, it seems like a totally scratching at the bottom of the door.
	Totally harmless thing.
	Now, here it says right here, in one cup of breast milk, you have 2.5 grams.
	2.5 grams of that's not much protein.
	That's not.
	Yeah, because cow's milk has 12 grams.
	How does that compare, Nick?
	Do you see the other eight grams in cow's milk whole, eight grams in 1%, 8 grams in skim?
	Yeah, so it's less.
	So it has the same amount as almond milk, virtually.
	All right, well, there you go.
	Which is not even milk.
	It's just nut water.
	Yeah.
	There you go, bodybuilders.
	Yeah, dude.
	Almond milk is just nut water, huh?
	You didn't know he's getting milk.
	Why would they call it milk?
	They should call it nut water.
	They really should, because they soak the almonds in water.
	Nut juice or nut milk.
	You know what I mean?
	Nut water.
	I mean, they should have like a rogue almond milk company, and that's what they would do to separate themselves.
	There's some bad milk out there.
	You guys are calling yourselves almond milk.
	And do you drop that off in person?
	Do you leave that at the door?
	How do they get the bodybuilders?
	Yeah, we dropped it off in person.
	Wow.
	Venue.
	Wow.
	I love that, dude.
	I like anything you wipe in the back of the car.
	She's making it.
	Yeah.
	She's in there pumping it out.
	You'll buy my urine.
	I'd be like, sure, I'll get you as much as you want.
	You're just keeping her hides, or do you keep buying her Gatorades every other 7 or 11?
	It's like hair, man.
	Hair is free, man.
	Yeah, it was crazy because, yeah, there's never a good time to go through a pandemic, but like we got the baby at home.
	So it's like, and thankfully, my wife, you know, the baby breastfeeds.
	So it's like, that's a renewable food source.
	It's like, I didn't have to go out and buy baby food or anything like that.
	We just had food for the baby.
	It was great.
	Yeah, that's awesome.
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	So what else was there like from the show?
	As I'm trying to think, like after the show, like did the energy, did the energy feel the same like in the room during the show?
	Yeah.
	More.
	I thought more just because everyone was just so excited to be out.
	Like, and there were lines that I would say that I would thought, like, all right, this is kind of a throwaway line and just something casual.
	And then it would get a reaction where I'm like, oh, shit.
	It felt like a full room for I wrote a real basic joke about how like, like, every, when the virus happened, every company had, had to put out their coronavirus commercial.
	Oh, yeah.
	Where they're just like, you know, every commercial right now starts off.
	We're going to get through this.
	Yeah, like, we get that in trying times.
	And all I said was like, does every, we don't need every company's response to coronavirus.
	And there was a cheer in the room.
	And I'm like, oh.
	That's true, though.
	Okay.
	People feel that way.
	Yeah, it's like, it's like, I get it.
	AT ⁇ T insurance, let me know what you're doing to lower my rates or whatever.
	But there's literally a commercial from Oreo fucking cookie.
	Yeah, I was getting emails from like Wells Fargo, like, don't worry.
	Yeah.
	I'm not worried about you.
	You're a bank.
	You'll be fine.
	You're a pine glass.
	We're fine.
	Yeah.
	Don't worry.
	Our ATMs are clean.
	It's so weird.
	It's like sending me figures.
	Yeah.
	It's like Coca-Cola is like, here's what we're doing.
	It's like, no, you're, you're making sugar water.
	That's what you're doing.
	It's fine.
	No, I will say the thing I was most, most nervous about, and again, this is selfish, I just thought I might be rusty.
	Because this is the longest I've ever gone without doing stand-ups for 15 years.
	So I was like, I was afraid I'd be rusty.
	But them being so generous, and then also I realized I wasn't that rusty.
	Like I felt rusty on that virtual show.
	Did it feel weird?
	Did it feel weird going back into like because if I were to get back on stage, I'm like, I have some new stuff I would kind of do, but otherwise it's like you got to change all the bits.
	And I'm just in the verbiage.
	So I could, you know, I usually get up there and I go, I just got back from Mexico, so I can go to all my Mexico stuff.
	Right.
	I can't say it.
	I can't.
	Or like if I want to make a joke about something that happened between me and a girl, I'll usually lie and be like, oh, I took this girl out on a date like, you know, the other day or like last week or something.
	But now.
	Can't say that.
	Yeah, so I had to be like, oh, I remember, God, I think it was last year I took this girl out on a date.
	But even that little adjustment was hard to do.
	And it feels so dishonest.
	But they know I haven't been doing anything.
	Right.
	Yeah.
	There's a bit I do about how like I'm it's something that my neighbor said to me because I'm never home.
	I'm always traveling.
	So then my neighbor saw me in front of my house and then said something to me like I didn't live in my house.
	It's like, I can't do that.
	That bit won't work yet.
	No, it's because it's like, no, no, I've been home for three months.
	They know me now.
	I would start jokes.
	Like I would start a joke and go, I got to change that.
	Start.
	Like, you know, that quick math you do in your head?
	Right.
	That's not going to work.
	And only a comic would notice, or only like, I, you know, quickly shift it.
	I would liken it to where if you've ever done those shows at the Laugh Factory on like Christmas and Thanksgiving where they feed the homeless and then they have you and have the comics go on stage and perform for the homeless.
	There's some bits you don't want to do for homeless people.
	Like, you know, when your car breaked?
	Oh, yeah, exactly.
	Yeah.
	You know, when you're...
	Where's all the hooch?
	They're like, what?
	I remember watching Joe Coy in one of these shows, and this is years ago, and he was doing his bit about orange chicken and Panda Express.
	He's like, you guys know what – It's like, you guys know what panics?
	And like, that's pretty...
	They know all the businesses.
	But no one knew about it in that room.
	You're like, oh, fuck.
	But you felt bad.
	You felt condescending.
	You felt like I, but that's what a president does is you have to adjust.
	And then Paul Mooney just went on stage and destroyed the room.
	He killed him.
	Wasn't he homeless now?
	Isn't that how that works?
	I have no idea.
	He had a special out a couple years ago.
	Oh, he did.
	I mean, he could also be homeless now.
	But he's just a psycho.
	Yeah.
	So I thought he's like, you know, a lot of homeless people are psychos.
	Oh, yeah.
	Speak the language.
	But yeah, so he's like, he's able to talk to him.
	Dude, the homeless people in my, so I was jogging the other day, and there's a homeless, like, I live right by a park over in Westwood, and so there's a lot of homeless now living in the park, but they got campers.
	The city got campers and put them up since the virus.
	Wow.
	Got the campers and put them in different campers.
	So a lot of times at night.
	Yeah, it's really pretty nice.
	They're nice campers.
	I'll jog by at night.
	And the other night I'm jogging by, and there's a guy out there smoking out on the, he's like sitting on the step of the open door of his camper.
	And he's got music going and it's like James Brown or something, something pretty fun, pretty loud.
	And then behind him, there's a truck, a sewage truck backing up.
	There's a guy with a hose in a full hazmat suit and PPP, like the shield and everything, walking up to it to drain the sewage out of the camper.
	And I'm just like, this is so bizarre.
	I'm like, here you have a homeless guy who's, you know, just doing whatever he wants.
	And then you have, like, how much is this costing to have this sewage guy?
	Yes.
	I mean, and literally walking up like he was in Armageddon or something.
	Yeah.
	Like, so scared, full bodysuit, walking up.
	Pandemic.
	And this dude's job is to deal with the piss and shit of homeless people.
	That's true.
	I'd be sleeping in a half-man pass dude.
	I'd need a cup of breaths.
	No job.
	He'd be telling jokes.
	He's not telling jokes to some middle class people in Utah.
	Yeah.
	I mean, this dude is...
	Did it feel like it was just the audiences that came out?
	Did it feel like it was just rich people or anything like that?
	Did it have that vibe or just felt like just regular people?
	It's quite the opposite.
	I'm just kidding.
	No, all walks of life because there is, there is definitely people that, And you're like, bro, maybe you shouldn't be spending money on a comedy show right now?
	Because there were some people that I got some messages afterward.
	It's like, oh, yeah, the whole family lost their jobs.
	Oh, no.
	And we haven't had anything.
	We're all drinking each other's breast milk.
	And our lights went out, but man.
	The fact that your show...
	I'm like, for $50 a ticket, it was worth every penny.
	Yeah, no, no, no, no.
	It's like, whoa, that was $15 a ticket.
	Pay a scalper?
	But there are some people where you're like, whoa, don't, don't, like, save your money.
	Like, save your money for.
	But then there was some other guy that, because I wasn't doing the meet and greet, I wasn't selling merch.
	And I got this message from a guy that was like, hey, you didn't sell merch this week.
	No, he goes, so you probably lost out on some money?
	I go, yeah.
	He goes, what's your Venmo?
	And he Venmo'd me a little bit of money.
	And I'm like, oh, okay.
	Wow.
	And so thank you, that guy.
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	So were you guys allowed?
	Were you allowed to sell merch there?
	My feature act sold merch.
	So I could if I wanted to, which now that I think about it, the fact that my feature act sold merch and then we were in the green room together probably defeated that whole purpose of me not selling merch.
	Yeah, the skipping of meeting green didn't help anybody.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, no.
	But I sold merch.
	Yeah, nobody wanted it.
	It's an old, my old album that like most of the, it's like been out for years.
	Yeah.
	And also it's CD.
	Oh, yeah, dude.
	I used to sell CDs.
	Bro, the craziest part was I used to bring the CD duplicator on the road.
	I had one of those three diskers.
	Oh, the three discerned.
	During the day, you're working.
	And it would say read on it.
	It would say read on it whenever it started to get the disc.
	And then you would hear it heating up.
	I had one that was pretty cheap.
	So it would heat really hot.
	And the can would start going.
	Who knows if some of those even work?
	Oh, dude.
	That's a roll of the dice.
	I got one of your CDs that was blank.
	Like, that happens, man.
	I'll do it three at a time.
	I'd pull them out early sometimes.
	I got to have a bit.
	I'll be like, bro, it ain't that good.
	I'm new.
	So you're lucky.
	You're lucky.
	Your lucky CD is humiliating.
	When people tell me they got that, I'm like, just take this new one for free.
	Yeah, it's fine.
	I have your first album though.
	Dude, I forgot about that.
	And I would go buy the clear cases and put it in and then get the X-Rocks and cut the freaking thing and put it in.
	Sure.
	And sell them.
	Yeah, now it's like you just have a, now they already have your album or they can stream it for free.
	That's what sucks is because merch is a big way for comics to make money.
	Oh, yeah.
	You make an extra two or three hundred bucks.
	It's huge.
	It's tough to not have something to sell to them.
	Yeah.
	So yeah, you had to leave a lot of money on the table if you didn't sell merch.
	But, you know, it's just, I'll get to that point.
	And if you want to buy some Brad Williams merch and just go, just go to Brad WilliamsComedy.com.
	There you go.
	There's the commercial.
	I'll send it to you.
	The good thing is you probably know like, okay, I'm just going to bring 30 or 40 shirts.
	You know, it's like I'm only going to bring this many things because it's – Yeah, I think it was 100 people per show.
	Yeah, me, it was like between 100 and 125 per show.
	But yeah, I tell you what saved my life during the damn pandemic was being on cameo.
	That saved my life.
	Oh, really?
	That saved my ass.
	Because St. Patrick's Day happened, and I said on my social media that I will dress up as a leprechaun and send a message to personalized message.
	Praise God, bro.
	I made so much money today.
	It was a big day.
	It was great.
	I mean, those are the best ones.
	Thank God for this.
	Some sort of like shtick, you know, like Scott Steiner, that old wrestler.
	He's like, you send me it, and I'll punk your wife.
	I'll do whatever you want.
	I'll run a, what is that called?
	Train.
	No.
	That's what Nick was thinking, wasn't it, Nick?
	Scott Steiner.
	But yeah, stuff is.
	If you look at the cut approach.
	No, I'm just saying, because he and his brother always did everything together.
	That's what I'm saying.
	Him and Rick.
	Those are hilarious.
	Yeah, and so he just talks shit to these people, and it's so good.
	Yeah.
	And why does he dress like a little bit of a drink?
	That was his WCW kind of like gimmick when he would come out wearing that kind of stuff.
	If you hear me.
	I miss the old, maybe the old one when he had the things on his, the wrestling thing.
	That's Rick, his brother.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	From the University of Michigan.
	He always kind of looked like just like a strong, weird collegiate wrestler with like big hair.
	And then Rick would come out like a dog and pee on the turnbuck.
	Yeah, Rick was crazy.
	There they go.
	There they are.
	But then that's the go to the next one, the steroid Scott.
	That's like the mess.
	Look at that.
	Yeah.
	And he's like 50. Look at those biceps.
	You can't build a bicep like that.
	That guy will buy your breast milk right there, man.
	That's frightening.
	That is frightening.
	Scott, if you're listening, I got breast milk.
	I will make that guy serve in his own stock.
	That's so awful.
	He's like, oh, I don't.
	What is it?
	Like where you don't where drug dealers like deal drugs, but then they use them sometimes.
	He's high on their own supply.
	He dips on his own product.
	He gets high on his own supply.
	Hey, have you been doing some of this?
	No.
	And he's like, y'all jacked.
	I love how every sports league shut down and pro wrestling was like, fuck y'all.
	Vince McMahon learns to keep going.
	Dude killed a wrestler on accident and then sued his wife for breach of contract.
	That's how evil Vince Vince McMahon does not care at all.
	The only reason he didn't do WrestleMania in Tampa as scheduled is because the city of Tampa had to be like, hey, man, you can't.
	Right.
	They had to interfere.
	You can't do it yet.
	We're going to do it.
	He's like, do you know how much money this makes me?
	Damn it?
	We're going to do it for our fans.
	Dude, a lot of places are, there's like a lot of pushback now, it seems like, because cities are saying you can do certain things.
	Can we have an article maybe something about that, Nick?
	There's cities saying you can do certain things, but then people are now like filing lawsuits that they just can't take it anymore.
	Well, something that doesn't make sense to me is like they've said, all right, the lockdown's going to be three more months, but also we're opening businesses.
	You're like, what?
	Yeah, truly confused.
	It's very confusing to me.
	Yeah, you see some articles.
	Go to the article, man.
	Does that?
	Okay.
	Still aimed at reducing the spread of coronavirus.
	We're now facing legal challenges from residents and state officials alike.
	One of these is pretty wild.
	You can't believe it.
	They're not suitable right now.
	They're already giving all their money to people stuck at home.
	That's tough.
	But I get the frustration.
	Like, you want to make money.
	You're willing to go out and make money.
	And then the government says, no, stay home and don't make money.
	And you're like, oh, so you're going to pay me?
	Well, no, we're going to give you like 20%.
	Well, it's also just tricky.
	The government isn't making the virus.
	Like, the government's like, dude, we're trying to kind of save your ass.
	Like, it's tricky.
	It's like the wrong person to.
	Well, like, look at Texas.
	It says that the Attorney General warned that he could take action against the cities of Austin, San Antonio, and Dallas if they do not scale back orders that are more restrictive.
	And that's the Attorney General.
	Then the governor is moving towards reopening the state and said that while businesses have the freedom to reopen or remain closed, local governments do not have the option to keep them closed.
	California faces a dozen lawsuits that claim the state has unjustly closed down gun shops and religious services and infringed on freedoms of speech and assembly.
	What do you think about that about a religious services?
	Yeah.
	I think it's kind of like stand-up, man.
	You got to go to that responsibly.
	That's what I say.
	Like, if you want to go to it, then go to it.
	But it's just like you got to understand.
	That's one of my biggest things.
	And this might make some of the listeners annoyed.
	People don't take their own responsibility.
	So they'll smoke for 40 years and then go, isn't it sad?
	I have cancer.
	It's like, no, dude.
	Yes, we love you, mom, but like you don't get to smoke for 40. And they'll go, oh, well, I need disability because I'm a big fat Lardo.
	And I ate McDonald's 75 times in one day for the last 30 years.
	No responsibility.
	And so it's like, they all want health care, but like a lot of the healthcare, like you don't even take health precautions.
	Like that's the beauty of freedom is that we get to do what we want.
	You don't get to do what you want and then be a victim.
	You don't get to go like, well, I should be able to jog through the park naked and no, but yes, but that's not the reality we live in.
	Right.
	Yeah.
	You jog through the park naked, stuff's going to happen.
	Yeah.
	Eat McDonald's.
	You're a lion tamer.
	If you're a lion tamer for the circus and the lion bites your arm off, you can't sue the circus.
	That's part of it.
	And also, I love that you're a lion tamer, but don't cry to me when your arm gets bitten off.
	And if you want to eat McDonald's 75 times, I love that.
	But don't cry to me about your diabetes.
	That's how that works.
	I wonder if there's a way, though, because it's all the same.
	Same with me.
	Actually, let's do this.
	Sorry, not to write.
	No, go on.
	If I get coronavirus tomorrow, that's my fault because I'm a stupid idiot who's doing comedy shows.
	Because we win.
	So it's the same thing of personal responsibility.
	That's on me.
	Yeah, it's like it'd be way safer if no one played professional football.
	But these guys, it's their choice to play professional football.
	Yeah, it's kind of that same argument.
	When people are always like, man, these football players keep getting hurt.
	But it's like, but they're playing football.
	Like, they signed up to play football.
	There was a doctor a week ago, I think, who put a picture.
	He's on an airplane.
	He's flying from New York to San Francisco, and it's a full plane.
	And he's like, I can't believe they said that this plane is full.
	You know, this is so dangerous.
	It's like him and 25 doctors.
	But it's like, but you're on the plane.
	Right.
	Like, if you don't want to be, like, it's just, it's like, we want our creature comforts, but once they start to, like, I don't know.
	You know what I'm saying?
	That's the whole road I was going down.
	It's like, everyone is so victimy and soft about that kind of stuff.
	It's so frustrating.
	Yeah, here you go.
	Dr. Ethan Weiss, I guess United is relaxing your social assistance policy these days.
	Every seat Full on the 737.
	Yeah.
	But at that point, you have the opportunity if you want to get off the plane.
	Yeah.
	I mean, you have the freedom to make those kind of decisions.
	I know that when I flew on American Airlines, there was a couple in front of me that had their infant child.
	And I just kept thinking to myself, why does that baby have to fly right now?
	But okay.
	Wow, that's your shit.
	Well, I'll even go a step further.
	So I would say, oh, maybe they should have drove.
	Don't be on a crowded plane where we share air with other people.
	Maybe they should have drove.
	Rent a car, drive to wherever this emergency destination is that you're taking this infant, right?
	And then people will say, oh, Jeff, what if they can't afford it?
	Well, they should have get a better job.
	They should have worked harder.
	Like even those things will say, well, some people can't.
	Well, then work hard.
	Just take your burden and bear it.
	If you're broke, get rich.
	If you're fat, you don't like it, lose weight.
	If you're fat and you're happy, great, flaunt it.
	You just do whatever is working for you.
	I mean, like, do better.
	Yeah, there has to be some social record.
	There's no responsive, like, there's, we keep making it so, like, we always just keep helping the lowest common denominator, which in America you can be.
	Like, I mean, I remember I've been to India before, and, like, they'll have handicapped people, like, dragging themselves on the ground because they don't have a wheelchair.
	Or like, if they're lucky to get, like, a skateboard or something, or make something like that, you know?
	Where it's like in the U.S., it's like everything we really get catered to.
	We're really comfortable.
	But they keep catering to, like, okay, somebody can, you know, not do anything their whole life, live in a bubble.
	You know, it's the worst.
	Yeah.
	Finally come out once to gun down both their parents.
	He was born without thumbs.
	So, you know, we better send him a check every month.
	And he's like, well, I can't work.
	I got no thumbs.
	Like, dude.
	And I learned all this, like my ideologies from traveling the world.
	And I see things and I go, oh, man, if they can do it.
	I was poor.
	I lived in a car.
	And I started doing, I found a job where I didn't need a high school diploma or I didn't need to, like, I found a job that works.
	I'm a moron.
	So I need to find a job where morons can make money.
	The fact that I'm rich is ridiculous.
	And it makes me go, just figure it out.
	Do what you got to do.
	At least these morons would like make millions.
	At least they found a scam to get money.
	Like they did.
	That's a great document.
	Find something, you know?
	Do what you got to do.
	It's like, I can't be a professional basketball player because, you know, you have to find another way.
	Because I'm white.
	That's a good joke.
	I had to write that one down.
	But yeah, but like, so I found a job where I could be a professional.
	Did you ever think, because you were a smaller person, Brad, that in stature only, that you should have got like an extra something from the government or anything like that?
	Like a TLC show or something?
	Like a TLC show.
	Every dwarf gets a TLC show.
	That's all they do.
	That's what it's going to be like one day.
	They should just have the dwarf network.
	We got the WWE network.
	You got like DIY networks.
	Just have the dwarf network.
	It'd be cool.
	Exactly.
	All dwarf shows all the time.
	Serious.
	The only problem with those shows is they're always trying to convince that there's nothing unordinary.
	Right.
	The entire time.
	We're just like everyone else.
	No.
	No, we're not.
	You're not like everyone else.
	I'm not like everyone else.
	The show would be super boring.
	And the guy runs and jumps up into bed.
	We want to see how you're navigating your life because it's inspirational to know that you're just like all of us.
	Except you're dealing with something that makes you different than us, but like how you're.
	Yeah, I'm not like everybody else because I have to put my bag up in the overhead storage bin and I got to get fucking creative.
	Black guys don't come up to me and go, hey, what's up, big man?
	Like, look at this one.
	Look at this little guy.
	Like, that never happened to me.
	He's different.
	Yeah, we do.
	But yeah, it's like we don't make people...
	It's like we'll just keep making it more comfortable.
	We don't challenge people.
	It doesn't seem like we challenge.
	Look at food.
	People.
	People just eat for taste.
	All they care about is their mouth.
	Food is to feel you.
	It's supposed to make your body operate at a high level.
	But all we care about is the taste part.
	It'd be like filling your car up with Mountain Dew just every day.
	And then the engine seizes and the mechanic, a doctor, is like, dude, have you been putting soda pop in this car?
	It's like, yeah, dude, loves Mountain Dew.
	You're like, no, this runs on fuel.
	And you're like, dude, it loves Mountain Dew.
	Okay, well, you're going to have to keep coming here.
	The engine's going to have to be stripped and fixed every single time you put Mountain Dew in this thing.
	You're like, Mountain Dew is what it likes.
	What do you know?
	That's what we do with our own bodies.
	We get one body in our entire life, and we just put shit in it.
	And then once we get like to 40, we realize we've got, you know, problems and we need pills and medications.
	It's like, yeah, stupid, you've been doing it to yourself.
	And we get them.
	That's the thing.
	In the U.S., we get them.
	I feel like, I wonder if we didn't have those things to help us, you know, like if we didn't know that like there's a, there's a, some bailout program that's going to be there.
	There's a way, like if we all went completely broke, we know there's probably a way where we're going to get housing somehow, that we're going to get probably able to be able to get medicine.
	Or our parents.
	Like, yeah.
	Yeah, it doesn't make us challenge ourselves any, but I don't know how you do that.
	I don't know how you do that.
	We'll know that like worst case scenario, you can go stay with your parents until you get back on your feet.
	Or like worst case scenario, especially if you're a clean person, like if you don't drink and drugs and stuff, you'll probably have a thousand couches you can rest.
	Like you'll never be homeless if you can keep up like what you're doing.
	But people that don't have that, that's why rich kids statistically, famously, don't do much because they're comfy.
	They've never had to.
	They always know that backup's there.
	And that's what people might be doing subconsciously with their health.
	It's going, eh, they'll take care of them.
	Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
	I'm sure I've done it in my own life.
	You know, I smoked not a ton, but I smoked semi-decently probably until about maybe two months ago now.
	Cigarettes?
	Yeah.
	Really?
	Over two months off of cigarettes.
	Yeah.
	There you go.
	But it's like, I can't blame it.
	I definitely feel better.
	God, it was the worst.
	Oh, you have to.
	Yeah, that's the crazy.
	Like, whenever I actually eat like a kale salad with very little salad dressing on it, I go, damn it, I feel like a lot better.
	Well, even the placebo of that, of like I'm doing the right thing.
	I've made a good decision.
	Like, I feel good.
	Like, I have, like, I don't have to do that.
	I can still go walk.
	Yeah, I can still walk around.
	You know why I never smoke cigarettes?
	Because I'm pretty susceptible to peer pressure.
	I just want to be part of the gang.
	You know, I want to be friends.
	So, like, when everyone was smoking weed, they were always like, man, this is the best.
	Let's get like a marijuana sweatshirt I'll wear to school.
	And like, weed's the best.
	And like, Dr. Dre.
	We're going to go to Janine's house.
	We're going to drink.
	You guys, we want to drink alcohol.
	But even like, so everything looks really good.
	You can get it.
	Anybody who would smoke cigarettes around me would be like, man, don't do this.
	I hate this shit, man.
	Like, wow, there's not a cigarette.
	So, like, I just saw that commercial.
	I was like, I'm never going to do that.
	I've never seen anyone enjoy a cigarette.
	That's really true.
	They're just sitting there going, I can't believe I do this.
	It's expensive.
	It stinks.
	I hate it.
	Don't ever do this.
	This is bad.
	It's so true.
	People are like, don't ever do this.
	Wow, they're doing it.
	Yeah, that was me.
	Oh, I'd be miserable and fucking smoking.
	Yeah, because no one ever does that with like good sex.
	Like, don't do this.
	Yeah, no one's ever fucking like a hot person to be like, ah, this is horrible.
	I hate it.
	You want to eat a sandwich and you're like, ooh, this is the worst.
	Don't eat one of these later.
	It's like, what?
	Brownies.
	You're doing it.
	And that comes with the placebo of self-loathing and stuff.
	So when you're doing that, you're kind of feeling gross about yourself.
	Like, man, I shouldn't be doing this.
	I said I was going to quit.
	So there's the opposite effect of that kill salad psychologically.
	But then there's so like, you know, we could like they have cigarettes.
	People can have them if they want to, right?
	They're available.
	But do you blame like the government for allowing there to be cigarettes that people can have even though they're addictive?
	It's free will, man.
	You can do whatever you want.
	But just don't cry to me when you get lung cancer.
	Yeah.
	Don't say it's so sad you died early.
	You chose that, but good for you.
	I love that you want to do that.
	Yeah.
	It's like, why do we watch the dude walk across the volcano on the tightrope?
	Because in the back of your head, you're like, wow.
	I'd never do that.
	He could fall.
	And also, I'd never do that.
	That'd be him heroic to me.
	And then if that dude fell in the volcano and died, would we feel bad for him?
	No, we'd all be like, well, he walked across the volcano.
	I always think about that with the football analogy of like, I wouldn't have posters of these guys on my walls as a kid and think they're like these hero titans if it was safe.
	Yeah.
	That's what makes them cooler than my dad.
	It's like they can let those crushed skulls and literally like throwing footballs 50. It's not like I have a poster of my stepdad Willie on my wall.
	Here's Uncle Al.
	He got his graduate degree from FBW or whatever it is.
	He's in County.
	Done.
	Look at his stats.
	Mitch Bobby.
	Look how many returns he filed last year.
	Oh, man.
	That's silly.
	What a legend.
	That would be pretty cool if they had heroic posters for this regular dude.
	Mr. Sensenbaugh.
	He's taught physical education in school for 40 years.
	Yeah, what a legend.
	What a legend.
	What do we got in the news, Nick?
	Anything exciting going on?
	This was kind of funny.
	Chuck E. Cheese, because people didn't seem to be wanting to order them on some of the food delivery apps, they changed their branding.
	Nobody wanted crappy pizza?
	They changed their branding to Pasquale's pizza and trying to pretend that urban market, huh?
	Or that Latino.
	What does Pasquale's mean?
	Pasqually is actually another member of Chuck E. Cheese's rap band.
	Oh, I hate it.
	But no one knows that.
	I hate that I knew that.
	You knew that?
	Fuck yeah.
	The animatronic rap band.
	I also love that you have a...
	It's quality.
	And then there's the purple one, and then the...
	But not Grimace, though.
	Munch.
	Little people are little people.
	When you guys see like characters, do you guys feel like there's a sense of like, do you know what I'm talking about, kind of?
	Because you guys get a lot of the same attention, I feel like, as maybe Snow White at Disneyland.
	Oh, dude.
	When you see characters like Pasqually or like Chuck E. Yeah.
	Do you feel like a symbiosis with them?
	I just go, well, they all get stared at.
	But no, it was funny because my job before I was a comic is I worked at Disneyland because I grew up in Southern California.
	And that's a great way for a high school.
	Great job, too.
	Yeah, it's great.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, it was fun.
	Great place to meet you.
	Everyone's happy to be here.
	I mean, you're not wrong.
	It is not wrong.
	Bro, it is really a homoerotic hotbed down there.
	It is very.
	It's horrible.
	I go to Disneyland all the time with my guy friends.
	Yeah.
	And no idea.
	They're probably going, eh, it's one of us.
	There's another gay guy right there.
	There's a couple graduates.
	Yeah, no, it was fun because I got a lot of attention from the girls that worked there because I was like one of the only straight dudes that you did work there.
	All right.
	I was not one of the seven.
	I was a bodyguard for the characters.
	It's called being a character host.
	Yeah, you walk around with them.
	Yeah, and just like make sure.
	Well, the seven dwarfs are actually gigantic in the costume.
	Yeah.
	Come out, they're huge.
	They should actually hire dwarfs and then make the costume smaller.
	That's what they should do.
	Yes, Mr. Munch.
	I got it right.
	There he is.
	Ah!
	I am a loser.
	The current incarnation of the characters is called Munch's Make-Believe Band.
	Oh, it's his band.
	Chuck E. Bandleader.
	Helen Henney, Mr. Munch, Jasper Jowells, and Pasqually.
	Here's the thing.
	If you're going to open a restaurant, right?
	A restaurant arcade for children, why pick a rodent to be like the man?
	Like, that's the number one thing you don't want in a kitchen.
	Oh, I think like Chuck E. Cheese.
	They're like, what are you doing?
	Chuck E. Cheese, yeah, yeah.
	It's a mouse.
	They're like, hey, Chuck E. Cheese out in the back.
	TMZ has a thing out for Chuck E. Cheese.
	Would you admit that, Nick?
	TMZ is out for Chuck Especially.
	TMZ hates Chuck E. Cheese.
	Everybody.
	He hates Chuck E. Cheese.
	Who is it?
	Your body does?
	Oh, your buddy, man.
	Gianni.
	Gianna.
	Gianni hates Chuck E. Cheese, too?
	He tweeted.
	He posted something.
	It was actually kind of funny.
	He posted something how he hated people who were getting takeout from Chuck E. Cheese before this actually happened.
	One of his friends the next day dropped some off at his house.
	And a couple hours later, Gianni tweeted, Chuck E. Cheese is better than in-and-out fighting.
	Well, he drove to Chuck E. Cheese.
	He like filmed it with his phone.
	You know how like all I skipped through most of your shit.
	I don't know.
	But you know how all young people, like, that's what the new like YouTuber and TikTok is, like, them ranting in their car.
	Yeah.
	Like, with, like, quick edits for some reason, where, like, just jumps from, like, random.
	Like, that's the whole video.
	And it's, like, them just, like, taking a hard take on, like, pineapple and pizza or something.
	But that, he did, like, a hard take on how, like, Chuck E. Cheese, they should all be closed.
	They're all creepy.
	The food is shitty.
	And he did, like, a whole thing.
	But he definitely did it before all this.
	Yeah, they go after Chuck E. Cheese all the time.
	There's always, I remember they found a piece of scalp in one of the ball pits or something there once.
	And that's what said it all.
	That's a big deal.
	But we used to go on dates.
	I remember people would do like a mate.
	I remember if your mom and somebody else's mom that had like a cute child or something, they would set you up on a little date at Chucky.
	And then we'd sit you at the other table.
	You'd sit at one table, the parents, and the kids would sit at another table.
	Like a little double date kind of.
	I always liked their pizza.
	I might get Pasquale's takeout.
	Really?
	I always thought it was good.
	I mean, it's hard to screw up pizza, in my opinion.
	Maybe it's because I was eight.
	Bro, I have no joke.
	I had my 34th birthday at Chuck E. Cheese's in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
	And I could only invite five people.
	Why?
	Why?
	That's the rule.
	That was like the amount we paid for in the package.
	Were they a little alarmed that it was a 34-year-old birthday party?
	Well, the funny part was it would be like, they had the birthday tables, and it was like Hannah, six, Jonathan, four, Theo, 35. It was your family.
	You were your family.
	And then the van would come by.
	I loved it, man.
	You know, so this is a bit I do on stage, so I'm going to try to not do it as it's a bit.
	True story.
	I went to Legoland on my day off in Kansas City.
	And it's just me.
	I was like, I could spend a day at Legoland.
	I'll just check it out.
	Like I do Disneyland or something.
	And I was going to convince one of my guy friends to come down.
	And so I get there at the parking lot.
	I felt too weird being alone at Legoland.
	So I call my buddy Derek.
	I said, hey, I'll just wait in the car until you get here.
	He gets there.
	I'm 30. I think I was 35 at the time.
	My buddy Derek's like 37 or something.
	So we meet, we go to the front gate, and they wouldn't sell us tickets to go to Legoland.
	Really?
	And I said, what's why?
	And they go, because you have to have like a kid with you.
	And I was like, well, we don't have kids.
	And they're like, yeah, but we don't just let random men walk around.
	Respect.
	And I was like, what do you mean?
	They're like, we have adult night twice a month.
	And if you want to come to adult night, he's like, I'm not here for adult night.
	I'm only in town this week.
	I want to go to Legoland.
	Wow.
	And they were like, well, and I was like, why are you doing this?
	And they're like, well, because we don't want, you know, kidnappings.
	You know, we're trying to prevent kidnapping.
	I was like, well, you're going to cause a kidnapping because I'm about to go steal a kid to get into Legoland.
	Well, also, like, would I be the best kidnapper in the world?
	Like, that kid would be so happy.
	Like, oh, this guy's great.
	My dad never takes me to Legoland.
	Drop me back up at home.
	No sex, just fun.
	Exactly.
	He didn't try to find me or anything.
	Yeah.
	Now would they let that two women go into Legoland without kids?
	We should test it.
	I don't know.
	Because they were pretty weird.
	That's a good point.
	Because, like, all right, because I've kind of a similar story.
	I was at a mall and they got those, I think they're called Busy Bees.
	It's like a Chuck E. Cheese.
	There's tubes and ball pits and shit.
	And I was in the middle of the Midwest doing shows and I'm by myself.
	I'm like, you know what?
	Fuck it.
	I guess they'll fit in those tubes.
	Let's go.
	Let's go to Busy Bees.
	So I start walking in there and they got like a, and an employee stops me and he goes like, hey, do you have a kid in there?
	And I go, nah, I just want to go in there and like, I'm small enough to run around the tubes.
	They go, yeah, we can't.
	Oh, really?
	We can't let you do that.
	I'm like, you know what?
	In this case, probably a good idea.
	Just some single white dude just walks in, just like, yeah, I want to go run around with the kids.
	That's so disappointing.
	Does it feel like a lot?
	You just went to the bathroom, shaved, and been like, I'm a kid.
	Why are you hassling me?
	Like, oh, I'm late for school.
	Have you seen P-Pong?
	Does it feel a lot?
	You have a shirt on that says Grandpa's Favorite on it.
	Does it feel a lot of times like because of your size and stuff, that you get to relive your childhood in some instances?
	Fuck yes.
	Wow.
	Fuck yes.
	Really?
	That's pretty cool.
	Think about that, man.
	I can do all that shit.
	Oh, there's a, my favorite.
	It's called Huff and Puff.
	And I could still ride that ride.
	My friends can't.
	Oh, we can't.
	We're too big?
	Too big.
	Look up Huff and Puff.
	You'll see why.
	It's a train that you sit on.
	Oh, cool.
	And then you can move the thing back and forth.
	And then that controls your speed of the train.
	Oh, they're going to pay you to be the guy.
	There it is.
	Oh, there it is.
	Look at that.
	I can still do that.
	Adorable.
	Hell yeah.
	It's awesome.
	There's Bobby Lee and his girl.
	It's always funny when I would do it.
	Because I would go to Knoxberry Farm and just be, you know, I'd be with my friends and be like, hold on.
	I got to go ride Huff and Puff real quick.
	Oh, that's great.
	Do they take photos of that?
	There must be a photo of them.
	Yeah, so there's like a video somewhere of the train going by and it's like kid, kid, kid.
	And then Brad comes waving.
	Yeah, and I bet the people love that too.
	They're like, oh, yeah, basically.
	You see a midget riding Huff and Puff?
	You're like, fuck that.
	That guy's been on forever.
	He won't get off.
	That guy's been on for 25 years, man.
	It's awesome.
	I go, yeah, well, if I can't ride some of the roller coasters, then the payoff of that is I can still ride the kid.
	Yeah, that's great.
	The kid rides.
	Yeah, and then I was watching the Chicago Bulls documentary, and I was hearing about how Air Jordans are costing people $175.
	And I'm like, oh, wow, they've only cost like $50 for me.
	Oh, that's a good thing about three years.
	They've cost me $50.
	I didn't even think about it.
	I wonder what the cost of savings is if you're a little person, the overall life.
	Well, for there, you get savings, but then you buy like a pair of pants, and then you got to get them altered and shit like that.
	Or, God forbid, you buy a suit.
	I got a couple of suits that cost me a little extra money.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah, because I have to do it.
	They tailor suits anyways, so it's weird that they...
	Yeah.
	With like the internet in modern times, right?
	Yeah, because now there's like services.
	I'm sure some of them even sponsor your podcast where you like measure your shit and you send it off to them.
	As a kid, it must have been a nightmare.
	Yeah.
	Oh, that's horrible.
	Now it's like, yeah, now there's like great places that do that.
	Did you always, not to ask questions, I don't know any other little people except for you.
	Or different types of people that aren't.
	I'll be your dwarf Google.
	Super tall, yeah.
	But do you, did you always know that you were, or at a certain point, did your parents sit you down and say, hey, man, we have something to tell you?
	Oh, so they told me I was a dwarf, but they told me before I went off to school because my dad, my family's all tall.
	So my dad told me, he's like, no, when you go to school, there's going to be some kids that make fun of you because you're a dwarf.
	So let's you and I write some comebacks for them.
	Nice.
	So my dad told that.
	Yeah, so my dad and I wrote jokes.
	My dad was like, just stop being a pussy.
	Why are you crying?
	Kids pick on kids, grow up.
	Yeah.
	So we wrote jokes.
	So then when I went to school and kids made fun of me, I had comebacks written.
	Nice.
	And I would say it to them and then they'd get all sad and I got sent to the principal's office.
	Did you feel bad stealing your dad's material?
	Do you think that that helped make you into a comedian?
	That sounds like exactly how I would become a comedian.
	But also just being different is probably why you're a comedian.
	Yeah, that too.
	But that attitude with being different, that's probably why I'm a comedian.
	That makes you funny.
	Yeah.
	So then when I go to some city and some guy yells out, Leprechaun, I'm like, really?
	You think I haven't heard that shit before?
	Let's go.
	Okay, like, and then I fire back at him.
	And he's never been funny, that guy.
	If he's still yelling leprechaun at this age, like, that guy.
	How sad is it, though?
	How sad is it as we get older when you have your friends that still tell like jokes that are just like from growing or just like the worst like little comebacks or whatever?
	You know the worst one is when people, especially grown men and grown women, anyone who I'd say over the age of 11, if you think you're funny because you're saying like a line from a Happy Gilmore movie, or like you're quoting Michael Scott from like, you stole a quote from a thing and now you put it in your own life and you think you're very funny?
	Like you suck.
	You're not funny at all.
	Yeah, you're my boy, Blue.
	Somebody keeps saying that now.
	Yeah.
	Except this one guy who did a cool video.
	He had a friend that had drowned or something.
	He's like, you're my boy, Blue.
	And he kept fucking turning the camera to the fucking body.
	Jesus.
	How crazy is that?
	See, that's where that guy's sense of humor is.
	No, that was you're blue, my boy.
	Oh, you're blue, my boy.
	Oh, well, see, that's creative.
	You twisted a little bit.
	You did something different?
	That's good.
	You're blue, my boy.
	And then a fish jumps.
	I'm like that.
	That's like, I don't fear anything about being a dad in terms of stuff that I'm going to do with my daughter.
	The thing that I fear is once I have to start interacting with other parents who just aren't funny.
	No, you don't have to put up with that.
	Oh, and then they find out I'm a comic.
	No, you can be polite, but you don't have to like, you don't have, I mean.
	Yeah, no, when they find out you're a comic, that has to be the worst.
	When you have a child, think about that.
	You have a child, so you have this connection piece to somebody else that has a child.
	So you have to mill around while your children do whatever they're doing.
	Kids are friends.
	I'm like, God, now I have to, like, you're friends with Sally, so we'd have to deal with it.
	He can just go jump in the ball pit and start running around the tubes.
	Dude, I can't wait for that day when me and my daughter are both running around the tubes of Chuck E. Cheese.
	Oh, I'm going to go back to that busy beez.
	Like, I can't listen to my dad tell bad jokes.
	I'm going to jump around playing the tubes with the kids.
	Dude, that's hilarious.
	Is your daughter a dwarf?
	Yes.
	Right.
	Yeah, I think you told me that.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Got the Asian dwarf baby, or as I like to call her, the ADB?
	Wait, were you hoping for a dwarf?
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	Yeah.
	Well, because, like, I don't want my kid to grow older and get bigger than me, and I got to, like, discipline her.
	Go to your room and fuck you, Dad.
	Well, now she's kind of on your team.
	Yeah, she is on the team.
	You got it.
	Yeah, look.
	Now she's on your team.
	So if it comes down to, like, you and, you know, you and your wife are having, you know, now it's kind of like Team Dwarf is dominating the house.
	Oh, yeah.
	Now it's like my wife can't complain if she like trips over a step stool or something because they're like, this is the world you're living in.
	This is you.
	You signed up for this.
	Look at that.
	But if she was like, she was an average height person, now her and her mom, and now you're out.
	Yeah, now look at that smile is so cute, huh?
	Yeah.
	Is there another one?
	That's the picture behind it.
	That's my baby.
	Yeah.
	I thought there's one on the ground.
	Yeah, my wife is Chinese, so we made an Asian dwarf baby.
	And what are the odds that she was going to be a dwarf?
	50-50.
	Wow.
	Yeah, so we were just kinda, that's Oh, so cute.
	Someone gave her a robe with her initials on it.
	Some pet.
	No, I knew who it was.
	Probably somebody who tries to get into a Lego lane by themselves.
	That's it.
	Don't put that on me.
	Also, that person has no idea how newborn babies or dwarfs work.
	That's a giant robe.
	That's like for like a one-year-old, like two-year-old.
	That's the best part.
	Because when all the pandemic stuff started happening, some people started talking to me like, oh, wow, that's going to suck when your kid outgrows her clothes.
	I'm like, no, we got clothes for like two years.
	hunker down.
	We're good.
	I'm He's like, four.
	Is this fit?
	Like, I'm like holding up, like, I'm like at Target, like going, it looks pretty little to me.
	But like, you're calling over another four-year-old.
	How old are you?
	Four?
	Get over here.
	Seriously, that's how it feels.
	Like, my ex grove is like a little bit of a chance.
	Try this on.
	I was like, I don't know.
	I don't have kids.
	Do you want to go Chuck E. Cheese after?
	Tell a four-year-old, like, hey, try this on.
	Try this on.
	Come out.
	Do a little turn for me.
	Let's see how it fits.
	Do they sell lingerie for little people?
	No, dude.
	No, not for children.
	I think you meant for children.
	That's my point.
	It would be the same.
	No, it's not.
	It's not.
	Because we got big asses and my type of dwarfism, the girls have some big old titties.
	Wow, really?
	Yeah, so she's going to have to be like, you'd have to have customized lingerie.
	Sometimes there's customized lingerie, but I think for the most part, stuff just fits.
	Not as much stuff fits, but there's stuff that fits.
	Oh, there is.
	Yeah.
	It's out there.
	I was going to say that would get a real dark world.
	Oh, Bronx fan, huh?
	Yeah.
	There you go.
	She isn't.
	Look, she's not a Bronx fan.
	She's like, why'd you put me in this?
	She's like, I'm God, all over the line.
	LA baby.
	That's what she said.
	Is she getting to the part where she can...
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	I love like five, six months.
	They start to really kind of get interactive and stuff.
	Yeah, like that.
	Dude, like, and not to get like too cheesy or whatever, but like when it crushes me in the best way when I wake her up in the morning and I walk in and she's kind of crying, then she looks up and sees me and then just gets a big smile on her face.
	It's the best.
	It sounds stupid and cheesy.
	I don't know.
	That's human.
	Literally the best feeling I've ever had in the world.
	I love that.
	Is just my daughter looking at me and smiling.
	It's the best feeling I've ever had.
	Better than Saturday Late Show when they're like, you hit all your bonuses.
	Ooh.
	That's a good feeling.
	That's a damn good feeling.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, you know, it's certain things like that.
	And I got friends that don't have kids and they're like, oh, so you like, you change the diapers and stuff?
	You're like, yeah, yeah, you do.
	They're like, well, but you like wiping shit?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Is that Adam Ray who said that?
	Sounded just like him.
	A thousand percent.
	I know.
	No, but like, yeah, it's like people.
	So what are you like?
	Gotta go get the diapers or everything?
	If you send him like a, you should give him like a marriage diaper.
	I'll get it for him.
	Uncle Adam.
	But yeah, people are like, yeah, like you swing your daughter's shit.
	You're like, yeah.
	Because if you don't, they're just in their own shit and you don't think about it.
	Also, I'm not a monster.
	You just let my wife do it, and I'm a like, yeah, I mean, like, like this 1950s madman dad where I'm just in the other room with a martini.
	How's that shit diaper, honey?
	Yeah.
	Also, that might be the bad part of having a dwarf daughter you rooted for.
	Because now she's going to be like, if you guys get in a fight, oh, you're the dwarfs.
	You change her.
	Because now it's team dwarfs.
	I'm big on this.
	There's like an average person war going on in their house at all times.
	Well, if something has, if something shits near me, I'm going to help it out.
	That's where I'm at.
	I don't care what it is.
	You got old parents, right?
	Yeah, that's true.
	I feel like you should play the more you know theme right after you say that.
	If something shits near me, I'm going to help it out.
	Which shows you a good person.
	Well, which is crazy to let something, you don't even be running.
	Like, where's that dad?
	You know what I'm saying?
	That's all my idea.
	Yeah.
	What else we got, Nick?
	Any other news?
	Brad did have a heart out at 12. Oh, yeah.
	I got to go because my wife has an appointment.
	Oh, yeah, that's right.
	And then I need to go watch the baby because you can't just put the baby in the crib and say deuces.
	It's not like my puppy that's sitting in a kennel right now.
	Oh, yeah, you guys continue.
	But do you mind if I plug some shit?
	No, let's plug it, man.
	Where can people check you out at?
	BradWilliamsComedy.com on Instagram at Brad Williamscomic, Twitter at funnybrad.
	Please check out my tour schedule because it changes almost by the week.
	No, no, no.
	Because things get canceled, but then other states open up, so they get added.
	So things are changing constantly.
	So yeah, just go to the website and book me on cameo.
	Go to cameo.com slash Brad Williamscomic.
	The best one I've had so far is one woman told me to tell her ex-girlfriend that her pussy was stanky.
	Oh my God.
	Stanky.
	Not stinky.
	She paid for someone.
	I guess that's good.
	You're a good person.
	I'm going to put a medical term on that.
	It's a stanky pussy.
	That's medical.
	I think he nailed it.
	Yeah, so we know.
	There's some real outliers out there.
	Yeah, so you know what?
	Go and book me on cameo.
	I'll do it.
	Like, yeah, I'm not going to say a racial slur or anything like that, but if you want me to call someone's pussy stanky, I'm in.
	Look, for $500, you want him to dress up like Dwayne Chapman, the bounty hunter.
	I would see you dressed up as a small Scott Steiner.
	Oh, with the chain and the glasses.
	And you'll just do the same smaller gimmick.
	Bro, it would be funny if for, say, like for $300.
	For $300, you're like, I will do a small version of whatever your favorite.
	So I'll do a small dog, the bounty hunter.
	I'll do a smaller.
	So great.
	You'll make a million dollars.
	Vaginitis, it's called, or trichomaniasis.
	Wow.
	That's what the women can have.
	That's what it is, ladies.
	You put whatever word you want on it.
	Get it fixed.
	Tomato, potato.
	I don't care what you call it.
	Trichomaniasis.
	Brad Williams.
	Yeah, thank you so much, man.
	Congratulations on this.
	See you guys.
	Thank you for having me.
	Yeah, man.
	You bet.
	Love you, brother.
	Good to see you, man.
	Miss you.
	All right.
	Thanks, buddy.
	All right, be good, man.
	Yeah, man.
	This will go up tonight, okay?
	Oh, tonight?
	Yeah.
	Awesome.
	Cool.
	This is a tough wall to have to change.
	You know, it's not like at the comedy store where they just put your name and cursive on the wall.
	Yeah.
	For this, you gotta, you want to add some, you want to take some away.
	That's quite a thing.
	Yeah, well, we have a guy who does animation that helps us out.
	We don't have a guy, but we have a guy who does some awesome animation that we know.
	This guy Papio Toon.
	And so he drew this one time, kind of based on the Simpsons characters.
	Kind of.
	Very much.
	So I have no idea.
	I'm not a big Simpsons guy.
	But okay, cool.
	So then, yeah, then we just blew it up and put it on here.
	It's so good.
	Yeah, it's pretty cool, man.
	It's definitely been something that people like to see.
	Yeah, man, it's just so crazy.
	You guys went out there and got into it.
	I love it.
	I was excited.
	I wanted to get out there, man.
	Like I said, the money is the tricky part.
	Yeah.
	But I think if you did it, or if, like, I think Joe Rogan's going to go to Wise Guys, that's what the rumor is around there.
	Keith Stubbs, the owner, was like, yeah, Joe's going to go.
	And I was like, well, what are you going to do?
	Just make it like $100 a ticket, but still limit it to the 100 people?
	And he's like, yeah, something like that.
	We'll probably just make the tickets 40 bucks or something like that and put 100 people in here.
	I was like, wow.
	Yeah, I guess there's certainly ways to do it.
	Also, it should be noted, it wasn't like I sought it out.
	I didn't go like, hey, someone booked me.
	The offer came through and I was like, really?
	What does Utah not have news?
	Like, how does this work?
	Yeah.
	And then I was just like, sure.
	I guess I'll just say yes the way I always do.
	Well, I was in Utah a few weeks ago.
	We went camping in southern Utah.
	Nice.
	Or Soyute.
	A lot of people call it Soyute, but they had, we went to restaurants and stuff.
	So you.
	We went and ate in restaurants.
	I went to a gay bar after the show because it was like the closest bar that was open.
	Yeah, sure, everybody.
	Oh, the old distance gay.
	Yeah, you know, I'm on foot, you know, so I got to go to the gay one.
	The car wouldn't start.
	But it sucked, man.
	We went into the bar and it was just like a restaurant.
	Like, they're like, oh, you have to sit at a table.
	You can't go anywhere.
	You have to stay with your people.
	And if you need to go to the bathroom or something, you get up, but you've got to put your mask on.
	I was like, well, this isn't a bar.
	What I like about bars, you can walk around, talk to people, and stuff like that.
	You can get your ass kicked by someone you don't know.
	It's fun.
	Yeah.
	You miss the old bars.
	You don't drink anymore, right?
	Uh-uh.
	Right, but you still will go to a bar?
	Oh, yeah, I'll go.
	Yeah.
	Socialize.
	Yeah, it's fun.
	I mean, I think it's fun sometimes.
	What I don't like, I notice that I start to not like is when people, especially women, but if somebody's really wasted.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	Just like that.
	That gets irritating real quick.
	Especially if you're not drinking.
	That shit is such a curveball.
	What's this guy's name?
	I'm trying to think of this name of this guy.
	He's a comedian, and I should know his name.
	I'm just blanking on it.
	He's like, Gay Jimmy?
	Is it that guy?
	No, it doesn't matter.
	Anyways, he don't drink.
	And he's like, Gay Jimmy.
	Oh, I thought you were going the other way.
	Drinks a lot.
	No, no.
	Gay Jimmy.
	He's a real sipper.
	No, there's a guy who doesn't drink, and he opened for me, and I was like, do you still want to come out with us afterwards?
	He goes, yeah, I just won't drink.
	I was like, okay, perfect.
	So we go out, and he left because he was so annoyed with how hammered the girl was that I was talking to him.
	He was just like, I couldn't even be around her.
	Like, I was just so embarrassed for her and so annoyed.
	And I was like, if Jeff can put up with this, he can put up with it, but I'm out of here.
	And I was like, man, I've never even thought about that.
	It's kind of like one of the perks of being drunk, too.
	Yeah, it's one of the perks of being drunk.
	You don't even notice that everyone else is.
	Yeah, it makes you judgmental.
	That's one thing I don't like a little bit.
	It definitely adds a level of what I think comes off to other people as judgment.
	So now I'm like, if people are drunk somewhere, you know, and you're not, you're like, oh, man, this girl's weight.
	Like, I just can't communicate with this person, you know?
	Because, yeah, if you'd have had two drinks, you'd probably be fine talking to them.
	That's weird.
	When I heard you stopped drinking, I was like, I considered it.
	I actually considered for the first time in my life not drinking.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Because Jordan Peterson always talks about that all the time.
	Yeah.
	He's like a big on all that stuff.
	But then I was just like, I don't think I can.
	Which might mean I have a problem.
	I don't know.
	I don't know.
	I mean, we don't cross paths a ton, so I don't know if I've ever seen you.
	So I don't know.
	There's a couple of guys where it's like, you're like, oh, this dude.
	It's a problem.
	Yeah.
	This dude's bad.
	I'm always having fun.
	And I don't have a wife or girlfriend or kids or anything.
	So it doesn't affect.
	That's never negatively affected that.
	You're probably fine.
	Yeah.
	You're probably doing good.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I go to yoga every day after the next day, sweat it all out.
	Sounds like you're having a fucking blast.
	It's a great life.
	But also, that does make me when guys I admire, I'm like, oh man, they stopped.
	Maybe, I don't know, maybe I should stop.
	Yeah, I think sometimes it's like, yeah, you start to think, is there like insider trade?
	Like, would it help me?
	Am I going to start working more?
	Am I going to start organizing things?
	I'll knock out seven podcasts in a day because I had so much, I didn't sleep in until 10.30 or whatever.
	I don't know.
	Do you feel more productive?
	I think I have over the past few years.
	I think that I have.
	But then sometimes I start to think that I get too disconnected from the fun sometimes.
	You feel that way?
	Yeah.
	I think there is a level of that.
	Like you get a little disconnected from the everyman.
	But you don't waste as much time.
	Like you wouldn't spend time with some drunk chick.
	Like just little things like that.
	I feel like you save time in.
	Okay.
	Like if somebody's like, hey, let's go do this.
	And if you were drunk, you would go do it.
	And it's just the fucking worst idea.
	But it's when you're sober, you're like, oh, I can see that's a horrible idea.
	Well, I feel like the idea that the fear of, not fear of missing out, but like the fear of like, it's not a fear.
	You feel like you're missing out on some of the fun.
	I feel like every comic goes through that.
	And maybe it's because of social media.
	Maybe it's because whatever.
	I've had a conversation with Eric Griffin.
	I mean, the people on this wall who, when they look through the scope of what they're looking through, they're scrolling through going, oh, man, you know, look at Theo and what's the fighter guy, you know?
	Dustin Poirier.
	Oh, Brendan?
	Yeah, Brendan.
	You see that and you go, oh man, I've never, you know, they look like they're having a good time.
	Look at them laughing.
	I've never been on that.
	You do feel kind of like these, like left out.
	Like, everyone feels that.
	And I think that no one's left out, but everyone is feeling that about each other.
	And I think that's like a stand-up comedy thing.
	Yeah, I could see that.
	You can't work together.
	You're a headliner.
	I'm a headliner.
	What are we going to do?
	Some weird double-hour show with no openers?
	So because I'm watching you go have fun doing something, I'm thinking, oh man, I've never played that big.
	Yeah.
	So we're forced to kind of be like separate in these things.
	And then occasionally you'll see like all of these guys together in Montreal.
	And you're like, why didn't I go to Montreal this year, man?
	Look, I'm missing out.
	And then you feel it on a smaller scale, too.
	You'll be like at Montreal.
	And you see like two, you know, Chad Daniels will walk away with, you know, some other comic, and you'll be like, where are you going?
	They'll go, oh, we got tickets, go see Chappelle.
	And you're like, well, I didn't.
	So this is just a human thing, I think.
	Of just feeling left out.
	Yeah, it's such a comedian thing.
	You're not missing anything.
	Yeah, and especially with social media now, it's like there's always an advertisement for what somebody else is doing, no matter what it is.
	So, yeah, easily you could scroll through and see 70 thing of feeling bad.
	You can't be at any of those.
	Yeah, how could that hot dog can't be?
	You can't be at all of that thing.
	Carnival, can't be at the, you know, they're out there riding dune carts or whatever.
	Can't do it.
	Oh, I should have been out in the mountains hiking right now.
	Like the way they're doing.
	Oh, lucky fuck.
	I saw a girl I haven't talked to in years.
	We never were, like, we just worked together on a TV show.
	It wasn't like we weren't like together.
	She had a boyfriend.
	Now they're married.
	They have a kid.
	I haven't talked to that girl in easily two years.
	We haven't worked together.
	We didn't text nothing.
	I saw her, her husband, their baby, and then another family.
	And they're like Jeeping up in Joshua Tree.
	And I felt left out on that.
	Damn.
	Oh, they should have included me.
	Two cute families that are like out.
	Of course they didn't include.
	Why would they?
	But my initial brain went, oh man, that.
	I'm left out.
	Come on, man.
	I should have been there.
	Yeah, there is this whole, I think, yeah, I think it's just, I wonder what the long-term psychological effects of that are.
	Yeah.
	Of that FOMO, you know, that thing where you constantly see things that you could be doing, you know, that people you know are doing, and they always appear to be joyful.
	I can only imagine the long-term psychological effects of that aren't really good.
	Because what are we supposed to do?
	You can't beat all those things.
	Yeah, it's impossible, man.
	Like, I have to coach my brain all the time.
	Like, you don't have to be jealous of these people.
	They're your friends.
	You should be happy for them, relax.
	Oh, yeah.
	You know, like that whole comic thing where you see someone feel like something, and you're like, oh, I should have that.
	I got to do that.
	And you're like, well, why did I think about me?
	Why couldn't I just say, hey, good for that comic?
	What about this?
	This is the last thing I want to think about real quick is, do you see a lot?
	I see a lot of these commercials and it's like, let's go, thank you to our first responders.
	Thank you to our, you know, our frontline workers and stuff like that.
	But then sometimes at a certain point, I'm seeing like even friends of mine put up videos like we took all this food to the hospital and literally on the video, you could see the hospital is inundated with food.
	Like, and they're like, every day we get this every day.
	And it's like, and I'm not saying it's not good.
	I'm not saying we shouldn't always do nice things for other people.
	But sometimes it just starts to feel like, who, what is all this?
	It's not like it's the military.
	You know, there's like tons of people out in the street and you have to, half the hospitals are empty.
	I'm like, what are they?
	I understand if you're buying lunch and doing something nice for these people.
	But most of the frontline workers, it seems like, are like postmates or people that are, you know, Amazon.
	That's the thing.
	U.S. mail.
	I agree with that.
	Pizza delivery people, like maybe not now as much as when this first started, when we went like real scary lots, we're like people that are just a mystery of not knowing.
	Pizza people were like, pizza delivery guys were like saving people's lives.
	Oh, yeah.
	Like The Postman, like that movie The Postman.
	There's lots of people with it.
	I'm like, are you Kevin Costner?
	And the guy was like, nah, dude.
	Think about Echter.
	And they're risking their lives coming to people's houses.
	I mean, at that time, we didn't know.
	And they're just giving people that have no groceries or anything like that.
	Like, that's, I don't know.
	I think that's, I think it's heroic.
	Yeah.
	But not now.
	Yeah, well, sometimes it just seems like, I guess sometimes you just see people, it just seems like a thing like, look at me being kind.
	But I guess that's okay.
	I guess you're just creating kindness.
	No, I don't think you're wrong.
	It does feel weird to boast about it.
	Like, look, we made 100 of these masks and we're going to go drop them off today.
	It's like kind of this braggadocious kind of, look how good we are.
	But it's them just staying busy.
	Yeah.
	And also, I think there's a lot of positive, but I see what you're saying.
	One time I was with a group and we were in.
	People can't just do a nice thing anymore.
	They got to get the credit for it.
	Yeah, it's tough.
	It's just a human thing, I think, that we're like that.
	I was in Barbados one time and we had a group and we're taking, they're like, let's take a day and take toothbrushes over to this youth facility where they don't have them, you know?
	It's nice.
	So we took them over there and the kids didn't give a fuck.
	They all had iPhones and shit.
	We have fucking toothbrushes, dude.
	We don't give a fuck, bro.
	That's really, really funny.
	Then I just felt like a fucking idiot.
	I guess we should have brought iPads or something.
	I don't know what.
	That's really funny.
	Some guys literally put me on a Snapchat like, look at these motherfuckers, dude.
	Thinking we don't brush our teeth.
	These buster pussies brought us toothbrushes, man.
	Too much.
	I should have brought Sonic Cares.
	Yeah, that's what I should have, Don.
	Those are real pieces of shit.
	Jeff Die, thanks so much for being here.
	Where can people check you out at, man?
	All things at Jeff Die.
	Just the big whirly A, you know, at, and then Jeff Die.
	J-E-F-F-D-Y-E.
	Where are you performing next?
	Do you have a spot yet?
	I'm doing LOL Comedy Club in San Antonio next.
	Nice.
	I think next weekend.
	I love San Antonio.
	Yeah, I'm excited.
	It's going to be fun.
	Hopefully by then, some of the bars will be a little bit more open and stuff like that.
	That's what I'm hoping that this is, I don't know.
	Loosening things up.
	That's what I'm hoping.
	But I mean, maybe not.
	Maybe we'll go back.
	I'm also going to do some virtual shows in between there just to make some money just so I can start working on some stuff.
	Yeah.
	I also have a podcast called Jeff Dice Friendship Podcast.
	Oh, yeah, that's right.
	Is this on all of you?
	You tape tonight, Monday night, don't you?
	Yeah, well, usually, I have a bunch backlogged.
	Oh, nice.
	Yeah, which are great.
	It's a good feeling.
	Yeah, that's been really fun because I get to do stuff like this.
	I was watching some clips yesterday of it.
	It's fun.
	I'm trying to think.
	I can't remember what interview it was.
	Because there's some people that they're not going to just come hang out with you, but if you have them for an hour, they'll sit down and say, yeah.
	Brian Kylie's got a wife and kids.
	He's like a grown man.
	He can't tell his wife I'm going to go have a beard with Jeff Dye.
	She's going to be like, what?
	But if he's like, no, we're going to go record a podcast.
	He's like, then I have an hour with Brian Kylie.
	It really is kind of a unique way that guys get out of the house.
	Or make friends with people.
	That's why I call it a friendship podcast because you literally get to just say, hey, I admire what you're doing.
	I read your book.
	That's great.
	You want to come be on my podcast?
	So it's like a productive way of having a hang.
	Yeah.
	I love it.
	I love it.
	And I love that you had me on.
	So thank you.
	Oh, gang, man.
	Thanks for coming through.
	Jeff Dye, ladies and gentlemen.
	I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
	I must be cornerstone.
	Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind.
	I found I can feel it in my bones.
	Oh But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking break and let myself unwind shine that light on me.
	I'll sit and tell you my story.
	Shine on me.
	And I will find a song I will stay there just for you.
	And I will wait for the way to play with the baby.
	Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
	The answer may shock you.
	Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
	Sometimes I won't.
	And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
	You have three new voice messages.
	A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
	I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
	So great.
	Hi, Sweetheart.
	Easy to you.
	Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
	John.
	I'll take a quarter pottle of cheese out of McGlory.
	Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
	I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me.
	Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

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