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May 25, 2020 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
02:08:21
E279 Neal Brennan 2

Check out Neal Brennan 1 http://bit.ly/TPW246_NealBrennan    Neal Brennan https://www.instagram.com/nealbrennan/ -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   New Merch https://theovonstore.com    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This episode is brought to you by…   Raycon https://buyraycon.com/theo for 15% off   Betterhelp https://betterhelp.com/theo for 10% off your first month -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   Music “Shine” - Bishop Gunn http://bit.ly/Shine_BishopGunn    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hit the Hotline  985-664-9503   Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://bit.ly/TPW_VideoHotline  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   Find Theo   Website: https://theovon.com  Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend  Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw   -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Time Text
Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
And this is a pizzeria that has, oh, just pizza and things that are going to really make you feel good inside of your mouth and body.
Gray Block Pizza, get that hitter.
Today's guest is making his second appearance on this past weekend.
He is the co-creator of The Chappelle Show, and he has some specials on Comedy Central.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Neil Brennan.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Well, thanks, man.
I just went.
Oh, you know what happened?
I went to the pool the other day.
Did you?
Went to a hotel, called a hotel, said, hey, can I go out to the pool?
Guy said, yeah, you can.
It was like a gay guy.
And so I think out of the gate, it was like, you know, and I don't sound ugly.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm not saying I sound like a...
He put the phone out, like, come on over.
That's really what it was like.
So, you know, he was like, yeah, come on over, you know.
And then I. What hotel?
Can you say?
Yeah, Mr. C's Hotel in Beverly Hills.
And I called.
I went over there.
Was the only person at the pool.
Where's Mr. C's hotel?
Is this a guy's house?
I don't know if this is a hotel, man.
I went with Max Girlfriend and we sat out there and just caught some sun.
And here was the interesting thing, though.
There's no smog in the air.
So the sun is.
It's interesting.
It's direct.
Yeah, it's getting people.
Yeah.
And you also have good skin.
You're tan.
You tan.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm okay with that.
I can handle sun.
Some people, you know.
You can't handle it.
Yeah.
You seem like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can't.
You're a slave to the.
Like, if sun sees you, it's like, oh, yeah, we're bidding on this guy.
Get him.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like, they're that motherfucker.
Put him on the boats and send him over.
Let's go.
Yeah, not.
That's crazy.
Every time you leave your house, it's got to be like that.
Yeah, yeah.
It's not that bad.
My dad used to get, again, my dad's 10 kids.
Angry, violent, all the shit.
Irish Catholic.
Fight the sun kind of thing.
He grew up one of 13 kids born in the Depression like crazy.
He used to.
No heartbeat.
I mean, he had such bad skin that we would drop, like we took a, we, we took a vacation in California one time, and it's like seven of us in a station wagon going to like Lompoke and just whatever.
And my cousins are in Lompoke.
You know that.
Everybody saw that coming.
Neil Brent's definitely got cousins in Lompoke.
So my dad, the first day, got such bad sunburn on his hands that it bubbled up.
From the stitch.
Bubble?
Yes.
Through the window on the stairs.
And I even remember I was like eight going like, how much were you driving?
Like, how the fuck did that happen?
Bubbled up.
So the second day, he wore black gloves like a murderer.
Driving with black gloves on with like eight children.
Furious the whole time.
The whole time.
Why do I see this suddenly being a Papio tune?
Do you see that, Nick?
I suddenly see this being one of the animations.
Great.
I like it.
Yeah, now.
Can you imagine the fatherhood you have to have in you?
Just the virility you have to have, first of all, to have 10 kids.
Then to sit there and hold onto a steering wheel while your skin is bubbling.
Bubbling.
Just to take your 10 kids to go see more families.
Lompoke.
Yeah.
To get, to go to Solvang, to look at the windmills in Solvang.
Yeah, it was a, I don't know what made it work.
I mean, I don't know what the, I mean, it's fucking crazy.
But the fact that he, because then later I went to the Caribbean 2005, if you can believe it.
And when he was like, and somehow my feet, my feet got sunburned.
Oh, yeah.
The top of my feet.
And then I had the bubbles.
And dude, you can't, if anyone's ever had blisters on the top of their feet, I wouldn't rule it out for you.
You'd look like you're done.
Oh, you're done.
You can't fucking, you can barely walk.
Like, you don't have the ecosystem of your foot is so delicate.
Yeah.
Like a bubble on, you're almost immobile.
It was fucking crazy.
And I don't even know.
It was like from 10 minutes in the ocean.
But it's usually not that bad for me.
Like, I used to caddy.
But do you have to think about it when you leave home?
Like, I feel like, you know, if you live in certain neighborhoods, you have to think like, oh, I have to look out for these people.
Yeah.
I have to look out for this, you know, ants or something.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, that's what you mean.
But do you think ants?
You know, like if you live in like a, you know, like when I was young, you know, ants was always like, oh, are there ants out there?
Yeah.
But do you have to look, do you have to think about that?
Like, shit, man.
No.
If I'm going to the beach, I'll think about, if I, like, I live in Venice and sometimes someone goes like, let's take a walk.
I'm like, Venice?
Yeah.
Wow.
And I'll be like, we got to take a walk?
All right.
Like, if it's on the beach, I'll be like, oh.
Let's talk about routes.
We'll have to flip off to Libya.
We got to turn around.
I see you in the Caribbean going out to the beach at night.
No, I mean, dude, it was wild.
It was wild.
Turks and Caicos.
The top of my feet got sunburnt and I just put an aloe on there.
Turks and Caicos sound like a couple of Latino hitmen, don't they?
How about the cutest Latino hitmen?
Yeah, you're goddamn right.
They're at Mr. C's hotel this afternoon.
Yeah.
Did you drive over here in that Tesla?
Yeah, man.
Yeah, sure did.
Did you get one yet?
I didn't get one, man.
But the new ones, I think, are coming out with an American flag hanging off the back.
We were talking about this yesterday, man, and it was literally the funniest thing that I talked about in a while.
Just the fact that, well, Elon Musk tweeted some stuff.
What did he write, Nick?
He wrote the quarantine is stupid.
And then he's on some like free let me open up.
Yeah.
He wanted to open his business in Redmond, I think it is.
Alameda County, Redmond.
He said they were going to have to arrest him.
He was just going to put his workers on the line.
He tweeted, take the red pill.
Yeah.
Got a lot of people.
He basically, like, all the people who, all the liberals who bought a Tesla are now like, what did I do?
It's so fucking funny.
Because I love when anybody gets fucking fucked over.
I don't care if it lives.
It's fucking hilarious.
It's kind of like when Hulk Hogan started wearing that black stuff.
Remember when he started wearing the black stuff?
Right?
Yeah, I remember it.
And you're like, what is going on?
Yes, absolutely.
Yeah, that's so bizarre.
And you tweeted something too about it, didn't you?
It was so funny, man.
Did you tweet something about it?
No.
I mean, I've tweeted like, I'm on the side of like scientists and stuff.
Yeah, that's funny.
That's Elon on the right.
That's new Elon.
And old Elon.
Old Elon's like, I got electric.
I believe in the electric future, brother.
MAGA.
MAGA.
America gasoline-less again, baby.
Yeah.
Cancel, cancel culture.
He's just been going in.
Yeah, he's basically just on some MAGA shit.
It's crazy.
He's done Joe's podcast twice.
Liberals are like, what the fuck?
Who is this guy?
Liberals are going to have to get up.
Now they're all stuck with the cars.
And the crazy thing about the cars is you can't lease them, right?
You can.
I lease mine.
I didn't think you could, but you can't.
I thought you had to own it.
No, I did too.
I was going to be like, oh, here you go.
Am I going to get rid of this thing?
Just come and take it.
Stuck with this electric American flag right there.
What have you been doing, man?
What have I been doing?
Not much, man.
How often do you hang out with your ex-girlfriend?
We hang out a pretty good bit.
We turned into really good friends, you know?
She's pretty much like my best friend, I guess.
And do you think, like, well, maybe we can...
Nick's shocked to hear that.
This is a hell of a way to find out.
She's my best friend.
No idea.
We talk every three days.
I'd hate to meet his enemies.
Yeah, we just, well, during quarantine, it's like you kind of, I think in the beginning, like we hadn't been talking for a while and then got, everybody got spooked, you know?
So I was, I know that she was kind of scared.
And I think I was scared.
So I was like, you know, you just wanted to be around people that you cared about if you could be around anybody.
Were you scared?
Because when we talked at the beginning, you were like, it's fucking better be real.
You called me like, hey, what is this?
You're like, is this real?
I didn't know.
And I didn't know if maybe you knew something I didn't know.
Like, you know, probably I know rich people.
Like, do you know some shit?
Yeah, it's Blake.
Is Blake Griffin?
Yeah, like, is he, how's he dealing with it?
Yeah.
No, they're all, all the rich people are abiding by it.
Yeah.
Well, it's, I mean, it's super comfortable.
I mean, I think this thing's been pretty comfortable.
It's a very, that's a funny way to go.
It's like, this is a pretty comfortable national sacrifice.
Yeah.
If you have money.
If you have some money.
Right.
If you've just got off the road, a podcast.
If you have either a savings or a thing you can do without it, it's right.
I agree.
It's kind of a vacation.
If you're in the second month of using the $1,200 stimulus check and you are like, what the heck is going to happen next?
Yes.
And you're waiting on pins and needles for the government to send another check.
That's a different person.
That's a different life.
Yes, that is truly fucking got to be horrifying and scary as shit.
Like hour to hour.
And I wonder how then, like, at that point, do you feel like you would batten down with your wife and family?
Or do you think you'd be like, I got to get away from them?
You know, like, they're the ones bringing me down.
Well, people were all saying that domestic violence is going to go up.
But the stats I saw didn't go up that much.
Went up like 5%.
I haven't seen anything.
And there's always people beating chicks in the park bar over by where I live.
At Park, Park.
There's like Westwood.
There's a lot of homeless people out there.
People that are just aren't going home, basically.
And they're going to be serious fights at night.
Do you really?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know what's funny about fights at night is like you'll ever be like lying in bed and it's like 1.45 in the morning and you'll hear like, ah!
And you're like, well, I hope that works out.
Like, I'm not getting involved in that.
I wish them the best, but I'm not calling.
I'm not leaving bed and I'm not investigating in the slightest.
Yeah, total opposite of what I'm doing right now.
Boy.
Well, you made your choices.
Here's the worst.
Sometimes I'll be like, will you keep it down out there?
Look, I don't know what y'all are going through.
Yeah.
That is a funny thing where you're just like, yeah.
Good luck.
Do you think sometimes I feel like if this is like our Vietnam, this is like the softest thing?
It's nothing.
But it's nothing for us.
Because just like Vietnam would have been nothing for us.
We're not in the front lines.
Yeah, like we would have been, you would have been, I mean, if we were 18, we probably would have gotten drafted.
You probably would have gotten drafted before me.
Really?
Yeah, because I think they did like, I would have been able to call, or whatever, like something like.
You'd have been the bookkeeper, My foot hurt or something.
And they believe it.
Look at these sunburns.
I can't, man.
Y'all better have some SPFs.
Yeah, I'll go, but like, how much sunscreen?
Yeah.
I feel like Southern people had to go.
I'm sure I'm wrong about that.
Well, I think they were probably more adamant about it.
It's like, they'd be like, you don't have any arms and legs.
You'd be like, well, I can do it, sir.
Yeah.
But I also feel like to my mind, Vietnam was all like black, Latino, and southern whites.
Yeah.
In my head.
I don't even know if that's true.
I think you get into Iowa, Pennsylvania.
There's tons.
that's where a lot of your white service people come from, I think.
And then, yeah, I guess the South as well.
What does this say here, Nick?
It's just casualties during Vietnam, but it doesn't split it up by, it has all one side together.
So U.S. has lumped it with people, but there were 1.1 million deaths on that side.
But there was also a draft, right?
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
And the draft, I think, they favored.
I'm sure, like, I went to college.
You went to college?
Where did you go to college?
Oh, yeah, I did.
LSU?
I went to LSU.
Yeah, I went to a couple different spots, but I definitely went to LSU.
Trying to find your groove?
Yeah, I just wanted to be on the move, man.
It just seems so weird to be like, I'm in one place.
Is it?
I feel like this is a...
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, man.
I didn't.
Why are we here, man?
Somebody's over there.
I always had to go.
There was always something somewhere else.
Yes.
Oh, something's like, you know, trying, because I don't know.
Do you talk about your 20s much on here?
I don't talk.
I mean, honestly, dude, it's hard for me to remember some of it, you know?
Because of drugs or alcohol?
I think just because of time.
Like, it's just hard to, like, our lives are so interesting now.
Like, I mean, I remember in my 20s, you know, like I'd done reality television and then I moved and then I traveled around a bunch to different schools.
And then I went on semester at sea.
It was like a school on a cruise ship.
And so.
Was that for TV?
No.
That was just like as a student.
Got it.
So it just got a job.
After the reality thing?
Yep, a couple years after.
I just got a job in the bookstore on this cruise ship and we went everywhere.
We went to Vietnam, actually.
And.
Did you like being on the boat?
Yeah, it was pretty fun.
Dude, you start to become like Lord of the Flies on it.
It's called Semester at Sea.
You start to become, like in the beginning, everybody's kind of chill, and you're like, okay, this is what's up.
By the end, by the end of three months, like you would be literally sitting in class in a male bikini, like everybody.
Like it was like everybody's suntanned.
Everybody, like you'd be trading like shoe polish for a little bit of liquor at night.
Like it was just.
Oh yeah, there's probably not a bar, right?
But they had a bar, but if you wanted your own liquor, you can only get two wines.
You could each get two wines.
So you could...
Yep.
Did they, and it was drinking age was 21?
Drinking age, I'm not sure.
Oh, it must have been 18, I think,'cause you're out in the ocean.
'Cause once you get out in international waters, it's Maybe there is no drinking age.
Yeah.
I mean, there was...
It was bizarre being on there.
Were you drinking a lot?
Oh, yeah.
You could drink and everything.
Nobody was doing drugs or anything.
I wasn't even doing drugs at that point in my life.
I didn't even drink that much.
But yeah, every night people would go drink, play games.
And were you one of the better-looking people?
I've always been about an eight.
If I have sun on me, I definitely look better.
Because if you get a tan, it kind of makes your nose look a little smaller and stuff.
Yeah, you're very insecure about your nose.
You have a pedonkadonk.
Yeah, I got that fucking...
I got that junk in the front trunk, you know?
Brendan said I should wear a thong on my nose sometime, which is right.
I do hope one day my nose is in a little boosie video.
That's one of my life.
But it was fun, man.
It was funny.
We went to all these countries.
We went and saw Fidel Castro speak in Cuba.
Really?
Yeah.
And was it remarkable?
A lot.
I mean, if you knew Spanish, it definitely helped.
But it was like a four-hour speech about how the stuff that he did in Cuba, like the things he implemented, like the positives of it.
Yeah.
So it was kind of, what would you call that?
Propaganda.
Propaganda.
Yeah.
But was he a good speaker or was it?
I thought he was good.
He was tall.
He kind of had, it was kind of like a little bit of like a, I don't want to say like a Mexican Phil Jackson kind of, but he kind of had.
Yeah, but you said it and it's right.
Yeah, he kind of had that island-y Phil Jackson kind of vibe, you know, the suit.
And then some kid ran down there and wanted to get his passport signed by him.
And everybody got all excited.
And he was shot.
Yeah.
That boy got shot.
That was fun, man.
Yeah, that's, because I feel like you, I was, I was at CVS yesterday, and I thought about you for some reason.
Thanks, man.
There was a lot of, there were just, at one point, were you like a flip-flop person?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because there were just flip-flop people.
I was like, I feel like Theo was probably this at some point.
Maybe when you were on The Real World or those shows.
Were you kind of that kind of guy?
I don't remember really.
I mean, I definitely remember in my 20s.
Man, it's so crazy.
A lot of that part of my life just those years just kind of blur out.
I remember going to like, you know, I went to different colleges.
I went to Loyola.
You know, it was just, yeah, in your 20s, I was more like, you know, muscular, kind of big hair kind of guy.
Just, you know, happy to be alive, you know.
Is that true?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I had a lot of like social, sexual anxiety in my 20s.
And it was hard to get them.
Now you can get them anywhere.
Hell, we have some, you know, you know.
A buddy of mine.
You told me to smell Nick's breath and catch a boner.
I mean, you know, I'm just saying, like, every, everything in here is probably sponsored by this.
A buddy of mine reminded me of a story yesterday where he he had he was in a relationship.
He had ED with the girl because like he couldn't get over her ex and then she got upset because of it.
Like she's like, you don't think I'm good looking?
And so he went to an erection doctor.
First of all, took the bus to the to the erection doctor, which you don't, just right there, you've already lost.
Well, taking a bus will keep my dick down for a half.
So the erection doctor gives him basically, I think it sounds like a sialis or something.
This is like 20 years ago.
And he goes, you're going to get an erection.
And at a certain point, like if it, if it doesn't go, if you don't get an erection Within the next two hours, something's wrong.
And if you do, you know, it'll be fine.
But if it doesn't go away, you got to come back.
Right.
Okay.
So my buddy takes the pill.
Oh, yeah, you got to take it right now.
I took it right now.
I walked out the door.
I just fucking boned.
You fucking barebacked that thing right then.
You fucking rode it.
Somebody's getting butted.
Was I supposed to take it?
So I look like I took it.
He goes to see the Mel Gibson movie Payback and just gets a rod.
Just like a rod where he's like, wow, this is real.
It starts getting uncomfortable.
And he's like, shit.
He goes to the bathroom.
Yeah, it's hard.
It's a hard.
You get real hard.
He goes to the bathroom and it's like all purple.
He goes, he's like, I can't wait.
So he literally like kind of shuffles back just kind of with an open boner through his pants.
Yeah.
And the doctor, he said the doctor looked at it.
You know how the doctors aren't supposed to react?
He could tell the doctor kind of was like, oh, and then he's like, all right, we're going to have to take it down.
Doesn't say what that means.
Yeah, it's not like it's a flag at a funeral or something.
Exactly.
Take it down.
All right.
Is it that simple?
We're going to send the guy out with a trumpet.
Yeah, just put a blanket over it.
There's nothing you can do.
Yeah, it's not like a parrot.
You can just put something over it.
Yeah, like now it's not.
It's like a fucking tea cozy.
So the doctor literally says to my buddy, he takes out like a huge, like a huge syringe.
And he says, my buddy, you're going to want to grab the bottom of the table, which is like, God damn.
He sticks it in his dick.
The blood, my buddy said, spurted into the syringe.
Oh, man.
And took it.
And then, like, just, he just drained the blood out of his dick.
And what did they do with the blood?
I don't know.
He didn't tell me.
Oh, I'd want to go back.
You want it back?
Blood that goes to your penis.
That's good blood.
That's extra valuable blood.
I mean, that's the good stuff.
The guy already has this problem.
You're going to take the whole thing.
But my buddy said 20 years later, he still has a scar on his dick.
Which is fucking insane.
So that's my boner pill story.
Dude, that boner pill story is so good, it's not even yours.
I know, it's not even mine.
And he reminded me of it yesterday.
This same buddy has one of my favorite stories.
You know the hill on La Cienega by sunset?
Yeah.
And my buddy had a, I don't even, I guess he had a stick shift, but he went on, he was on that like at like 8.45 in the morning and he couldn't get up to the point where he just was flipping out so bad that he caused like horrible traffic.
And then he finally just had to like pull over into one of those driveways.
He had like back up into one of those driveways.
He didn't have the power?
Yeah, he just couldn't figure out how to do it.
Did he have a Volkswagen rabbit, do you know?
I don't know, but like the tires were skidding and people were just going around them.
That shit makes me laugh.
So he just had to abandon his car after a while.
He's just like, I can't do it.
Now's not the time.
Dude, those rabbits are hill rigged.
Yeah, they were not.
They're volunteering rabbit halfway up a hill, man.
Yeah, now they got it, so it'll stick.
But back then.
My mom used to have one, and we used to always have to give up on a hill, you know?
Yeah.
Like you'd be going, you'd be like, oh, yeah, there it is right there.
Look at that bad.
Yep, that was the one.
Yeah, and a lot of the gas was in the trunk, too, the way they had them built.
So it was like, that was one of the problems.
A lot of the gas would just even weigh it back even more.
It was a real test.
Beautiful.
It was a test of hand-eye coordinate, like figuring out you're going backward.
But he just didn't.
Excuse me.
Oh, yeah, this house was penalized.
He's getting scared and like getting more.
And it's, you know, rush hour in the morning.
Strong.
Everyone's honking.
And finally just quit.
He hits.
Fuck it.
This is not for me.
I have a segment that I want to play with Theo.
And we talked about it before.
I don't know if you're rolling, but that I look at Theo.
The wonder of Theo is that I don't know what you're going to say from minute to minute.
Okay.
I don't know when you're on stage.
I don't know what you're going to say.
So my point is I don't know what you know.
I have no idea what you know.
As I told you, you doing your act.
You look like a guy who has matches, right?
Yep.
I believe that.
You look like I could be anywhere in the world if you texted me and said, I'm outside, I would believe it.
Okay.
I would come and get, like, just, yep, that Theo's outside.
That makes any fucking anywhere in the world.
I got to go to get Theo.
We're at the United Nations.
He's outside.
He's outside.
He said he's outside.
Okay.
I believe that.
I don't know what.
So the question is, I don't know what you know.
And I feel like you know, I know you know more than I think you know.
Okay.
But I don't know what the breadth of the knowledge is.
Okay.
So we're going to play a game show called What Does Theo Know?
I want you to play along at home.
Maybe you'll throw some music underneath this, some game show music.
Play along at home.
What does Theo know?
Do I just tell you things?
No, I'm going to ask you questions and then people will guess whether you know it or not.
All right.
Okay.
And I'm going to guess too.
Yeah, you will tell us.
I'll tell you if I think you know.
You'll weigh in.
He knows.
You know what he knows?
I think I know, but I don't know what you know.
Yeah, no one knows what Theo knows.
All right.
All right.
Let's do it.
Name five members of the 1985 Chicago Bears.
I believe you know this.
You almost don't because of your age, but I believe you can muscle it out.
All right, I'm going to go with your boy Sean Gale, who murdered his wife.
You fucking know.
Then, if you know Sean Gale.
But I know that because I'm a dateline fanatic.
Outside of that, I'm going with your boy.
Oh, I will go with this.
The quarterback, that legend, Jim McMahon.
Okay.
Who I met at a golf tournament in Palm Springs, and he had this little kind of thick Jewish woman as his girlfriend.
And she said he goes, this lady will always eat my butt.
That's what he told me, which is kind of crazy, I thought.
That's the sort of thing I expected you to know.
And, bro, I watched him drink 18 beers, man, at this point.
Yeah, that guy's a wild.
He's wild.
And he would stand up when he would say that about the lady, and he would kind of, he had pants on.
He was like, kind of pull his butt apart, which was crazy.
And I think I got high with them, actually.
But anyway.
So Sean Gale.
Sean Gale, I don't know, was on that team.
He might have been after that team, but I'll give you Sean Gale and I'll absolutely Jim McMahon.
And I'm going to go with your boy Richard Dent right there.
Richard Dent.
Yeah, if you know Richard Dent, then you're going to get him.
And I'm going to go with Sweetness, Walter Payton.
Yep.
We're up to four.
And I'm going to go with, of course, who else is it?
It's that guy for Draytor Perry.
Yeah.
Who else do you know?
Sean Gale, the killer, right there.
Yep, he was on the team.
He was.
I believe he returned kickoffs.
I believe he returned his wife to heaven, too, dude.
Yeah, Roni Rooter.
Willie Galt returned for that.
Oh, Willie Galt.
Willie Galt.
Yeah, goddamn.
Dude, Black People used to have much more kind of old school names, I feel like.
Yeah, they had like, it was before the apostrophes and the Kwans.
Yeah, Willie Galt, you know.
They had like southern, they had like sharecroppers names.
Yeah, they had definitely like holdover, like second, third-hand kind of names like that.
Like I remember like you meet a guy named Lilac or something like that, and you'd be like, that is a, you know.
L-I-L.
L-I-L-A-C.
Yeah, like the, like the flower, yes.
Or Toby.
Yeah.
Or Toby, yeah.
All right.
Toby's a little too.
Toby's a little rich.
Toby, I can't get, I can't.
And he doesn't even know.
I can't endorse that.
Have you seen that Roots movie?
Yeah, me and my grandma watched it on Christmas.
You know what's interesting?
There was a...
Every Christmas you watch Roots?
No, just one time, but we watched a good four hours.
Well, first of all, to get the feeling, to get the Christmas spirit.
When my grandma gets wrapped into something, she just went.
All right, fuck it.
Let's open some gifts.
It was post-gifts.
Anybody who watches it more than once.
Four hours?
Jesus.
What about O.J. Simpson is in it?
O.J. Simpson is in roots.
Yeah.
I forgot about that.
There's a lot of legends in that movie.
Who else?
Sterling Sharp, maybe?
No.
Oh, they're making a new one.
They did make it.
It came out.
It just wasn't that popular.
Oh, wow.
You know what was interesting?
I read an article about Michael Jordan yesterday.
There was a new one on ESPN where they said he used to be super disruptive in class after he saw Roots.
Really?
Which was like kind of mind-blowing to me because he just seems so apolitical.
Yeah.
But he saw Roots in 79 and was like, started fucking with people.
I'm assuming white people, which is really surprising.
There's a good, it's a long article in it.
Dude, I remember seeing it.
I got it through Netflix sent it to me.
And this is when you had to get it each week.
And I was like, holy shit.
The old one.
Yeah.
I was like, what happened to these people?
Like, they kept sending it.
Like, you had to wait.
Yeah.
You had to wait for you to mail it and then mail it back.
And you felt so bad you would just wait by the mailbox.
Be like, just wait.
Like, man, I'm sorry.
You'd apologize to all the vibes.
Yeah, I remember walking up to the mailbox and being like, ugh.
Yeah, you're learning a lot.
Ed Asner is in it.
Yeah.
I love that.
Lou Gossett Jr.
Yeah.
Plays, I believe, Fiddler.
Is that his name?
He was good.
Yeah, it was.
Yep.
Lou Gossett Jr.
No, Chicken George.
He played Chicken George.
Did he pass away?
I don't know.
Did who pass away?
What about that 6ix9ine?
Lou Gossett Jr.
Louis Gossett Jr.
Do you think we'll ever get to a place where 6ix9ine will be in Roots?
What?
The rapper 6'9?
Oh, Takashi.
Like, yeah, yeah.
Do you think we'll see?
Oh, like, we'll do another Roots and a remake.
And I don't think he could play a slave.
Oh.
He's also not black.
I thought he was Puerto Rican.
But you know what I'm saying?
I know.
Force diversity and stuff like that.
With everybody being allowed to play everything.
Yes.
And yes, he would qualify as a lesbian.
Okay, go on.
Name.
Can Theo Vaughn name four films directed by Spike Lee?
I think you can.
I don't think I can, but I'm going to do it.
I'm going to say.
Audience, think about your answer before he begins.
First of all, I don't like Spike Lee.
Okay.
So that's why I picked him.
He's a political.
I think he just looks like shit.
I don't care about the direct.
I mean, yeah, some of the movies are whatever.
I mean, I liked definitely White Men Can't Jump and Poetic Justice.
He was not involved in either of them.
Are you serious?
He wasn't even close to them.
Were you thinking he got game with Denzel?
That was likely.
I was thinking about White Man Can't Jump with Denzel.
Kevin Can't Jump, you're thinking of...
You're thinking of.
Yeah, I just think Western Times is overrated.
That's what I mean.
I shouldn't say I don't like him.
I shouldn't say he looks like shit.
I just, you know, he looks like somebody that fucking managed one of those places at the Dave and Busters where you go cash in the tickets.
He looks like the dude that managed that for like 40 years.
And then I just don't think he made that much good stuff.
What did he make?
So that's, you can't.
You could not answer.
No, that's interesting.
Okay.
All right, that's the...
Oh, wow.
Malcolm.
Malcolm X. Have you ever seen Malcolm X?
Malcolm Fever.
I haven't seen Malcolm X. Malcolm X could be.
the original one.
But yeah, from like 91?
Oh, yeah, that was a good one.
That's Spike.
Wow.
Yeah.
Black Klansman, did you see that?
No.
I didn't see any of that.
Jungle Fever.
She's going to have it.
A lot of L's, bruh.
Yeah, I mean, he started taking L's pretty regularly.
I just think he's overrated.
I'm sure he's probably a neat guy.
Yeah, 25th Hour.
People like that movie.
I didn't like that movie.
Bamboozled.
He got game.
He got game.
You know what's great about He Got Game?
It's just watching Ray Allen shoot.
Really?
So it's Ray Allen plays like a college basketball female.
Yeah.
And there's scenes where him and Denzel are arguing and Ray Allen's shooting jumpers.
And he makes like nine in a row from three at one point.
But it's in a scene and there's no edits.
Right.
And it's fucking, you never see someone shoot like that.
Like, it's fucking, it's crazy.
Because you just see a guy just make where you're like, are you, you know, you ever watch like Steph Curry videos where he's just like, and you're like, this is weird.
Yeah.
Like he was electronic.
Electronics.
Yeah, like the he might be a witch.
That's haunted by a video game.
Yes.
I got a question for you.
How long do you think Tekashi69 will live?
I think it's under a year.
Really?
I really do.
I think he I just think someone's going to kill him.
Like for all what he did, I don't see how you survive that.
And I also don't see how he gets bodyguards.
Like I don't, I don't, how desperate must a bodyguard be?
Because he's also going to die.
But bodyguard, that's your job.
I mean, you don't, I don't think you have a bunch of plans if you're a bodyguard.
You know what I mean?
Like, I don't care if you have like a bunch of.
You don't have like a five-year plan.
You don't have like, I want to be here, then I want to be a different kind of bodyguard.
No.
Yeah.
Just be big and walk.
And get hit by stuff.
Yeah.
Stand in front of shit.
Get hit by cars.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Take arrows.
Yeah.
Do you, but with that said, with that, will you be a little disappointed when he dies?
I think he is, I'll say this.
I find him to be a hilarious cartoon brat.
Yeah.
In the abstract.
You want to talk about a living troll.
Yeah.
I mean, a living, a living, he's like, he's like, if you, remember that Twilight Zone where there's a thing on the wing?
There's like a monster on the wing of the plane?
Uh-uh.
It's, that's what Takashi looks like.
He just looks like a little goblin.
Trey goblin.
He's a fucking legend, I think, dude.
I mean, I think he, I think, I agree.
I don't think he's going to live that long.
Okay, is that what you're talking about?
Yeah.
This looks like some spikely.
The 83 version of Twilight Drone.
Oh, it's a new one.
I like that.
No, but that one's good.
He's more of like a snow.
Dude, but here's the thing, though.
His music is good.
Oh, yeah.
That's the thing is I've never listened to his music.
I will say I listened to XXX and Tasiona after he died, and I was surprised by how good it was.
Yeah.
I was like, oh, this is like, there you go.
That's more what I was thinking.
But he trolls.
Oh, yeah.
I can see that a little bit.
Takashi.
Well, he's going to have to.
It's going to be a unique world that he lives in because he's always going to have to be in hiding.
Does he have to go back to jail?
Do you know, Nick, if he has to go back to jail after the virus?
I don't know where it's at.
I don't think he's out because of the virus.
I think he's out because of the...
I think he's out because...
Because he just did...
But here's the thing.
Did they even bust anybody that he snitched on?
I think they did.
They must have.
I don't think they would bargain.
I don't think you would get a plea deal if you didn't have good information.
Because that's my guilty pleasure is going and watching his stuff sometimes and seeing what he's up to.
I watched the video.
He's a living troll.
Yeah.
But he recently tried to out Billboard.
He was saying that Justin Bieber and Ariana Grande paid to get number one on the Billboard.
Yeah, he was saying that at the last minute, people would buy listens to their songs or something.
But I mean, I think that kind of stuff has always been like those charts can be manipulated, I feel like.
Yeah.
Well, what's funny is like the song is called I'm Back Are They Mad?
Yeah.
Well, it's like, yeah, of course they're mad.
You fucking snitched on a gang.
He did lie.
or he snitched or whatever.
But I can't believe there's so much...
Like, that's what I wonder.
That's the only.
Yeah, first of all, it's like, yeah.
Kodak Black don't seem like he has a real code of conduct, you know?
Yeah, I think the thing is you're not, the one thing you're not supposed to do is you just can't snitch.
If you're all doing crime, you can't flip.
Right.
That's the only, I think that's the, but none of them.
Yeah, that's a good rule.
Yeah, like none of them have, like, to your point, I don't think that they don't have a code, but it's, they start doing it because they're desperate.
And then it's like, well, they made that decision.
They did crime because they're desperate.
They're going to turn because they're just going to, what's the desperate, and if you're in a desperate situation, he's going to take the, he's just going to continue to take the, I bet he dies of an overdose.
That would be more.
Really?
Yeah, because I don't, I'm sure his existence is a form of misery.
It's like angry and fucking, ah, it's, it's got to be scary as shit.
Like your body can't take that kind of stress.
Yeah, I agree.
The constant like, oh, them, them, them.
Them, them, them.
And you really do have people out to kill you.
Yeah.
To kill you.
Someone could openly say, I want to kill you.
And everyone would be like, even the cops would be like, but is he now under with witness protection?
Is he under are police watching him?
Like, are they protecting him as well?
I don't.
That I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't think the cops are going to protect him.
But I don't change your identity.
I'll tell you what, here's a question.
We don't know this.
We definitely don't know.
All right.
What is Takashi's plea agreement.
All right.
This one I think you will get.
All right.
Name three people who have served as governor of California.
Oh, Gavin Newsom.
Sonny.
Sun.
I know this.
I can't believe you're about to say who you're going to say.
Really?
I can't believe that you.
Because I didn't even remember this one.
I don't know if I remember, but let me think.
Reed, I think his name was Sunshine Brown.
Sunshine.
Jerry.
Yes.
Jerry Sunshine.
Sunshine was like his nickname.
Yeah, Sunshine.
Jerry Brown?
Wow.
And oh, Villaragosa.
Antonin Villaragosa?
No, I don't think he was governor.
It wasn't?
Oh, also.
He was the mayor.
Yeah.
Yeah, I thought, those were the ones I thought you would get.
I thought you might get Pete Wilson.
There was a second governor of, he's really old, but his name was Sonny James.
Did you mean Sunny Jim Rolfe?
No, I did not, even though that guy.
Yo, be honest, did you mean Sonny Jim Rolfe?
No, that guy looks like he definitely has your, he would get sunburned.
He would have to wear leather driving gloves if he drove my family around.
Look at that mustache.
What a mustache.
That's a goddamn broom.
What do you are you like?
What are you okay with right now?
Like, what are you okay with as far as like socially right now?
Do you feel like?
I don't.
Would you go on a date?
Would you take a date somewhere?
I don't think I would.
I don't think I would.
Because I don't, I mean, would I have a date over?
I don't think I would do that either in that I don't want someone I don't know at my house.
Right.
But is that just a general rule of thumb?
No, I would, well, no, the problem was that was like my, I mean, I would just go like, let's just go to my house.
And like, I'm just.
You have a nice place?
Yeah, it's nice, but it's not like, it's nice.
But it's meaning I'd rather do that than like, let's go to the fucking bumper car or whatever people do on dates.
Right.
Miniature car.
Like, I just wasn't, I don't really drink.
So that really reduces what you can do on dates, as you know.
Yeah, so you would rather take just a more low-key approach.
Yeah, like, let's just order some food and talk and talk and watch Netflix and talk shit.
And if you're going to make a move on a chick, do you kind of do the couch kind of move?
Is it that sort of thing?
Yeah, I have a couch and.
Yeah, but it's like you kind of scoot closer on the couch.
I feel like most of my first kisses in the recent life have been in my car.
It's a Tesla.
So I mean, say no more.
The MAGA kiss or the MAGA.
Yeah, it's a MAGA wagon.
It's so great.
Can you imagine how many angry liberal people?
It's got to be nice.
Furious.
Furious.
It's proving the opposite of what you want it to signal.
Wait till one day he just presses a button and the Patriot plays on the desk with Bald Eagle.
So it's been a mic.
But on the couch.
Yeah, rarely is it like the first kiss on the couch.
Usually it's in the car because we go somewhere or whatever.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And then it's like, okay, goodbye.
That's what it's like.
Dude, what do you like?
This is always the weirdest moment, I feel like.
Here's how you know.
I feel like if a girl doesn't want to kiss you, she gets out of your car real fast.
So that's the vibe I kind of take is like, okay, there's an opportunity to kiss, maybe kiss here, you know?
I think if there's any delay, they, here's the, if there's a delay in like, okay, so then do something.
Now, if she double checks, sometimes they'll double check their bag.
They're like, oh, do I have everything?
Yeah, do I have my keys?
That can sometimes be a feint.
That can be like a fake out.
That like kisser.
That's not it.
That's not a green light.
If there's just a delay and like a beat of like, huh, that's the time.
A thing that I do sometimes, Theo, is I will say maybe a half hour before, I'll be like, you know, I'm going to kiss you.
Just so you know.
Ooh.
At the end of the day.
Just FYI.
I like that.
Yeah.
That Cupid's arrow is coming.
A little Cupid arrow.
I got him in my quill.
I like that, yeah.
Let me show you.
Yeah.
Little, just say FYI.
Oh, that's a good idea because it's like flirty, but it's kind of like.
It's flirty.
It's you're asking, you're basically asking for consent.
It's like reversing.
And you're being assertive, which women like.
Yeah.
They like, like, I want a guy who's like assertive.
And like, so you just go, and then if she goes, no, you're not, then you're, okay.
Yeah.
You're like, you're damn right I'm not.
Who even wants?
I don't even like his.
Yeah.
I fucking hate mouths.
Now, here's the crazy thing.
Do you ever notice, like, my whole life I've been like this.
Like, I've been like, so if you are, like, I just don't know what I'm talking about.
And then my brain kind of shuts down and I can't even hear what I'm saying anymore.
And then I'll just go in like real quick.
I feel like there is that thing.
No, it's like when a bomb goes off in a movie where it's like, or there's that, like, that's what it's a bit like before you're going to move in for a kiss, where there's a bit of like, it's a netherworld underwater.
It's not normal life.
It's a little heightened and there's a little like fear.
It's like a move.
It's like we're taking this to the next.
I'm always like, yeah, I love going to different places.
There's just something like, it's always something.
The last line before you make out is always like a bummer.
Like, no, you're right.
We should.
Yeah.
It's horrible.
Oh, really?
Your parents are.
Chickens are great.
They have overinflated the COVID death rate.
Yeah.
That is a funny.
I remember the first time I kissed a girl.
It was like, I was like in sixth grade, fifth or sixth grade.
Yeah.
And it was like sponsored by another couple who were hooking us up.
Me and this girl.
Was it like a church group?
No, well, it was Catholic school.
And so they were like, we're all going, let's go to the park, make out with Margaret.
What's her name?
This is back in the 1800s.
Yeah.
Wait, I think I saw this.
Was this Little Women?
Yeah, it was Little Women.
It was Little House on the Prairie.
Sense and Sensibility.
Margaret, again, no one thinks you know Sense and Sensibility.
That's what I'm talking about.
Dude, one of the best movies to take a nap to in the history of the world.
Put on Sense and Sensibility and lay down.
Even the voiceover of Sense and Sensibility is a whisper.
Scorsese directed Sense and Sensibility.
Really?
Yeah, that's a fucked up.
Yeah.
The fucking King of the Gangsters also directed Sense and Sensibility.
Anyhow.
It was good.
So as they were going, Margaret, I was on the ground.
Margaret, grade older, she's coming in for the kiss.
And the last thing I heard was she was a grade older.
Yeah.
They said, open your mouth to me.
And then I opened my mouth.
And then I was like, oh, this is weird.
do you just fucking tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue do you think going back to that space that you open your mouth and you open your eyes wider at the same time when they said that just out of like some weird like Oh, yeah, I could see.
I think my eyes were closed and they were like, you got to open your, hey, guy, you got to open your mouth because this isn't going to be anything.
If you don't open.
I don't think they were like clamped.
Yeah.
I just think that they were not.
It was not kissing.
They were not in a kiss position.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, guy, not the kiss.
The door's closed, buddy.
You got to get going, man.
We got to look.
We feel awful.
All right.
Question number four.
Theo, what is a, and do you think Theo knows the answer?
Does Theo know what a carburetor is and does?
Yes.
Yes, he does.
I'm going to say I think he does.
Do you think so?
is the sort of thing I expect you to know but if you told me you didn't because I feel like a carburetor takes heat off of the engine.
What do you think, man?
I have no idea.
Does it have smoke in it?
I'm looking.
Carburetor.
I like that you're trying to think of the times you've heard it.
People talk about it.
Yeah.
A carburetor is a device that mixes air and fuel for internal combustion engines and the proper fuel.
Yeah, I don't know.
That carb.
You got to use that carb.
And look at what they call it in Australia.
You'll like this.
What?
A Carby?
A Carby.
Of course.
Because it's Australia.
They put a Y on the back of everything.
I met a guy from Australia the other day.
That Carby.
Yeah, so Carburetor.
All right, so that, I bet a lot of people are surprised you didn't know.
Because I didn't really know.
And I still don't even now that I know what it is.
I'm like, I don't really know what that is.
It feels like it's part of the engine.
Yeah, it sounds like it is.
That carburetor boy.
It is part of the engine, but I don't.
Let's not count that one.
Oh, I'm counting it.
Okay, count it.
So you did know the Bears.
You didn't know Spike Lee.
You did know California.
You did not know what a carburetor is.
Okay.
Here's one.
Okay.
Will Theo know what AIDS is an acronym for?
I think you will.
I'm going to go with autoimmune deficiency syndrome.
That is correct.
I believe it's acquired immune, but it might be autoimmune.
Either one is right.
Nick?
Acquired, but autoimmune is fine.
Did you ever think you had AIDS and got tested for it?
No, I mean, other people think I haven't.
Really?
I mean, look at me.
I've never think AIDS.
No, I know.
AIDS, like something lesser.
Like H5P.
Like, you're not full-blown.
I think maybe that you had a neighbor that had polio.
That's what I would think, dude.
I never No, but you remember having sex in the 90s.
Oh yeah.
It was like a, it was you, Oh, there was a full fear.
Think about AIDS.
Like, really think about AIDS.
More than I think about STDs now.
You would think, am I going to die from this?
Oh, I remember being so angry at somebody when I was young that I told people they had AIDS.
How old?
Man.
Like, grade school, high school?
Now that I sound it out, probably graduate school.
Probably 29. Wow.
Were they...
I don't want to know any follow-ups.
I don't want to know any more.
Did they ever confront you about it?
No, man.
It's not funny, and I hope that they're doing good, too.
Is there something interfering with your happiness, with your joy, with that sunshine getting inside of your body and just bouncing off inside of you?
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What about this, though?
I wanted to ask you this, actually, is do you...
Do you...
What are we talking about?
AIDS.
I'm talking about AIDS.
I look like I've...
So whenever, yeah, in my 20s, I had pretty heavy erectile dysfunction.
I just had severe anxiety with what I had, sexual anxiety.
So, man, I would get like...
Do you have...
I still have it.
Neuroses?
I still have it.
Like, I still get like, yeah, like, I still definitely have, like, some issues.
Like, if I get in a relationship, like, I don't, like, it's just tough for me to want to have sex if I'm in a relationship, that kind of thing.
And have you, like, talked to a therapist or a person?
Oh, yeah.
They're tired of hearing about it.
Honestly.
What do they think it is?
Fear of intimacy?
Yeah, probably fear of intimacy.
But it's not like performance, like, I'm not a man or I'm not going to be good at it or I'm not.
I don't think it's that.
Yeah.
And when I was younger, I just didn't know what it was.
I just knew that I was just super, super nervous.
And so I remember going to the doctor one time and saying, look, I just want to make sure that I know that this is just in my head or if it's in my body.
Right.
Because this reminded me of the story you're talking about, your buddy.
So they gave you an injection, this man, and this guy was a complete asshole.
I think if you're going to inject something to somebody's penis.
Yeah, that's, yes.
have a little bedside manner.
A little something.
Yeah.
This guy was like that monkey on the Donkey Kong just fucking humming barrels.
This guy did not care at all, right?
Like he'd throw a barrel of softener at a dick on a ladder, you know?
Like this guy just.
But here's what they did.
They injected something into your penis and they say that it's going to, it's going to get hard for a while and then you have to just monitor and let them know like how long it stays hard for.
And you basically just stay in this, I stayed in this room for like six hours.
And it was the scariest thing ever, man.
And did you have a boner the whole time?
Yeah, I had a boner the whole time.
And yeah, it starts to get, it gets kind of discolored and you're like, what is going on?
You get scared.
It hurts.
Yeah.
It's just too much blood trying to get out of your penis.
It's like all your blood wants to, it's almost like trying to, like your blood is like trying to have a bloody nose, but it can't.
Yeah, but it can't.
And it's like, it just, man, it hurts so bad.
But I need to find out.
Yeah, it's nothing physical.
You don't have any physical.
Were you not supposed to jerk off?
Did he give you a direction on that?
I can't remember.
It was too painful to masturbate.
Wow, that's interesting.
Yeah.
Because the injection was just to make sure that the blood flow was working.
Yes.
So it was like, okay, we're going to see how long these things in your penis blood tanks or whatever will stay full.
And, oh, dude, it was so scary.
And the guy was so mean.
And I was just, not that you're supposed to be, I guess.
No, but if you're dealing with dick stuff, it seems like, you know, be humane about it.
Yeah.
Because it's a tend for a guy, it's like a, it's a, it's a cause of fear and like vulnerability.
Yeah.
And I was flirt, I was flirting with a way.
I mean, I'm always flirting with whoever.
Yeah.
You know, I'll flirt with everybody, but, oh man but that yeah that was miserable but it did help me realize okay it's nothing physical in my body yeah so there's nothing my body's were you relieved that there was nothing physical or were you like that took off a ton of okay because i just had no idea i'm always like maybe i'm not stretching enough maybe i'm not having enough lemonade you know just anything yeah it could be like i don't know if i can have that it'll clog my dick up you know no two pieces of cheesecake no way you know and this is probably before google so it's just all word of mouth yeah dude yeah when google could just be anybody it
could be any fucking yeah google was just a anyone you were talking to was google who really was google an older relative yeah yeah was absolutely fine you little fag like all right yeah well then there it is that's my there's my answer yeah it just gets so like i don't know man but anyway so that was relieving just to know that but would you go down on women or do something to uh to kind of take the
focus off of you or to push the focus off i would do anything man i would be like oh i gotta go you know let me get something to eat oh anything anything to kill time so people don't have to fuck you know and i don't have to be one of those people even though i wanted to be one of those people but would you start would you like get would you would you ever do the thing where you give them an orgasm and then you like oh you know what i'm not we don't have to worry about men no that's been later in my life like i'm not into it like ejaculating or anything like that like that's kind of i
don't really do that anymore like if i'm doing sex i'm not doing any i'm more i'd rather not ejaculate now i feel like it's almost it's more avant-garde or something or more not avant-garde but more this is where i go i have no idea what you're gonna say when you go now ejaculating and i'm like really could say anything well i want to be on that you know i want to i'm always trying to think of like yeah i just i don't know coming on somebody seems old-fashioned we talked about this the other day didn't we or
ejaculating onto somebody just seems so like game oh it's so it's so game of cavey yeah it's like caveman yeah it's like ejaculating your own house yeah you know yeah or something like get out what are you doing yeah go in the go in the go to the bathroom yeah yeah what a creep what do you yeah your penis has a problem yeah like why would you what's happening yeah it is so graphic and so like it's crazy because women just like you know shake
yeah whereas we have a deliverable yeah yeah yeah yeah we have a new thing like look at this thing i have a thing a third thing now i conjured this thing up what about this like i've seen that um but yeah man that stuff was always tricky for me and the worst thing is is figuring out like being sexually comfortable for me anyway the toughest thing it's just you're like man i want to figure this out but
then time keeps ticking and you're like i'm gonna have to really 100 figure it out in this life you know yeah yeah that's the yeah that's a funny thing where i don't know if we talked about this last time but it's like yeah i don't know maybe i don't get married hey that doesn't happen for me maybe there's not enough time in life for me to crack that 80 years man just it's a 190 year problem yeah it's a 190 year riddle and i just can't i don't have time i'm never gonna there's
no point in starting because i'll never solve it's not solvable yeah for yeah sometimes i think that about certain things like especially when it comes to like kind of relationships and that comfortability and that sort of thing and yes and the intimacy and relationships for me i'm just like man and at a certain point i don't want to endanger anybody else's feelings that's exactly dude that's and i don't know if we talked about this before that's exactly the point it's when guys guys do the most damage when they think they can be good
like i'm no i'm a normal healthy person meanwhile you're like no you're not yeah in the back of your head you're like you're not normal and healthy yeah but you're like no i want to be the kind of guy who seems normal and healthy and you're just not and then they ruin women's lives yeah yeah because women want to believe it and women is it he's done it women and did you did you get married no did you did you ever live with somebody uh i kind of am at the moment and are you any good at it yes i'm i work all
the time so it helps uh yeah yeah but we don't have any gifts for it for no and it's true yeah that's my biggest or maybe some guys do i will say i don't have many and sounds like you don't have many yeah i think it's really tough i mean i think that's one of the reasons i like sometimes i like spending time with my ex-girlfriend because it's just we at least like get along well and it's easy yeah and the expectations are manageable the expectations are manageable and i care about her it's like and there's not like we don't have like a real sexual uh there's not that
element in our relationship really so we it's just like a friendship really yeah and so it's like i almost start to think sometimes i don't know man maybe this is crazy to think but it's like maybe i just would get married to a friend or something and just you know well then you're into do you need a companion because there have been times during this this covid where i've been like man i'm glad no one was here this whole time right like or i'll be here i'll be like someone would have had a girlfriend would
have been here the whole time and would be with me right now yeah and i and i wouldn't be escapable yeah you just can't and that's where i'm like i'm not i don't think i'm built like that i don't need a companion so a lot of people do i don't think i do from what i can tell but do you think you would like to challenge it because i think that too for myself sometimes it's like okay sometimes i think well then maybe i but am i willing to challenge myself
enough but what's the challenge it's like it's like see if i can just be like can i get through it yes i can get through there's something about that though there's something about some guy seeing some guy you know right before he dies and his wife's right there and he's like i did it yes you know there's some element of like yes like, I respect that guy.
When I see that guy, dude, and his wife is saying something, and he hadn't heard her for 12 years, you know, because he's heard it all.
He knows what it is.
You know, there is some.
There's a level of like, well, I just salute that guy.
Absolutely.
Do you salute her, though?
If the places are traded, if she's in bed, she's on her deathbed and he's been a loyal husband.
I mean, I think the, I mean, yeah, I think it's great what she's doing, you know, but I think the women salute her.
You know, like, I only, I guess I'm thinking specifically from a man, you know, like.
Well, that's the thing of like the men, sometimes it's not hard to be around women, but like we don't have a ton in common, just like naturally, like the way we, the stuff we talk about, the way we deal with each other, like men fuck with each other constantly.
Oh, yeah.
And we're interested in different shit.
Like women generally don't love violence the way we do.
They don't love competition.
There's whatever.
There's just like a lot of significant differences.
There are a lot of ways in which we do line up, but then there's a lot where we don't.
So I don't, sometimes I find that I can't, the good stuff isn't worth the bad stuff.
Meaning the stuff where it's like butting heads isn't worth the like nice parts.
Sometimes it is.
Sometimes it is.
But it's like it.
So I can get through this.
I've stayed in relationships I didn't shouldn't have stayed in.
Oh, yeah.
Because of like, I wanted to make a fucking effort.
Yeah.
I'm fucking.
Get in there, Admiral.
Yeah, like I fucking did it.
Get back in there.
Yes, I fucking throw the quarter off of my fucking face.
Yeah, I can do it, but it doesn't mean I should.
And that's the thing that bothers me about kind of societal norms is like, you should.
It's admirable.
I was like, why?
It doesn't mean, it's just a thing that I got through.
It's not a thing that, why do you want me to do a thing I don't really enjoy?
Right, but then I want, right, I agree.
I wish I enjoyed it.
I'm also saying I wish I enjoyed it more.
I wish I was an easier.
I wish I had an easier person.
But there's something also then about being part of, but I don't know, but I agree.
And then I think like, but then also there's probably somebody that, you know, needs to be loved out there and I could do my best to help them, you know, or to love them, you know.
And then I think like, you know.
There's billions of people that need to be loved by you.
Right.
So then if you could just get one, you know, get them in the house, you read together sometimes.
No, I know, but then it just becomes like a bird.
You're just getting a bird.
I mean, you're getting each other's birds.
You're getting iguana.
That's fine.
I think some relationships are like that.
I think some of them are you guys are each other's pets almost in a way.
Yeah.
You know, I think.
Look at my Rodney, you know?
Yes, I think that's a good thing.
The way they talk about men is like that.
We're like, see, and you see what I did?
And I got him a shirt and I got him the douche.
Come on, Rodney.
Show him your new shirt.
And then we're like, huh?
Rodney's been dead for a month.
But there's something, though.
But being alone, being alone isn't fun either a lot of times.
Being alone long term, I think it gets lamer, though, as we get further into our lives.
I think it gets lamer.
And sometimes you're like, can you still relate to people as much?
Are you just that?
Well, that's the problem.
People start thinking you're homosexual as well.
Oh, there's Gay Randall or whatever.
He can't, you know, his wife, you know, he don't have a wife.
Yeah, they don't put anything on.
If you're married to a woman, I did a joke about that.
Oh, he collects little pictures of men?
Yeah, he does.
Yeah, no, and that's the joke I was.
I did a joke about, as a woman, don't give you any.
I'm 46. I've never been married.
Women are like, this guy's a maniac.
Oh, yeah, you're getting into that freaking, yeah.
Fucking maniac.
How old are you?
I am 40 years old.
Yeah, you're welcome to it.
I'm 40. I'm going to be 41. Yeah.
Next year.
Yeah.
So, like, I'm in the fucking, I'm in the, like the, I used to do a joke, like, women would give me more credit if I'd been married and murdered my wife.
Yeah.
Then having never been married.
Like, something's the matter with you.
Yeah.
Most of my, the biggest thing I feel like I want, I just want to apologize to any women that I've ever been in relationships with.
I think what we're trying to say here is, sorry.
I feel like, yeah.
Well, I bet you're a decent, I bet you're like nice.
Are you not nice?
Oh, yeah, I think that I am nice.
I'm mostly nice.
I mean, I have like, I have a like jagged personality, but I'm not when I was young, it was like a separation disorder, though.
Definitely.
Well, like.
Like, I remember my first girlfriend, like, she, she, you know, kind of banged some other guy.
And then I remember I put an air in her shampoo.
Huh.
And, like, I was, you know, I was looking, I was headhunting, you know, and I was going to start with the hair.
You know, I was just angry or like, I mean, that's, that's, I don't think you would have done that for no reason.
Yeah, I think I was young, too.
Yeah.
You know, that's some of that's that young thing.
Yeah, like you don't know what else you think that's, well, now I have to put an air in her shampoo.
Yeah.
Like naturally.
This is how this ends.
Yeah, this is, that's the, that's the logic.
Yeah, this ends with her looking like a little bit of.
Did she end up using it?
Like, like, uh, not Doc Rivers.
I don't know who I was thinking of.
But she didn't.
One of her roommates used it.
But she was fine.
And I didn't know anything about it.
I mean, Nair is such a strong smell, they can tell instantly.
Oh, yeah.
I've never, I don't know what it smells like.
It's not like burned.
chemically?
It smells like...
That's what it smells like.
It smells like, oh, wow, this is kind of cool, but then you're like, oh, this could be really dangerous.
I had a Theo thought one time where I was thinking, and I was like, I should give this to Theo.
Where I was thinking about sex, like the smell of sex afterward.
Oh, yeah.
And I had the thought, it smells like people been doing arts and crafts.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And then I thought that I should give that to Theo with their body, dog.
Yeah, been making some arts and crafts.
Did you ever, I don't even know why I'm talking all this today, but did you ever feel like one of your underarms smelled like vagina sometimes?
Did that ever come to your mind?
Well, this is another question that I was good.
What's the longest you've gone on COVID without taking a shower?
And how bad did it get?
Oh, nothing too crazy.
I would say maybe 72 hours probably.
If I'm not feeling good, I'll have to go back to sleep and restart my day.
That's when I'm one of those kind of people.
I have to take a nap.
If I get real angry or anything, I have to take a nap and then kind of restart my day.
Basically, like a seven-year-old.
Put yourself in timeout.
But if I can't do that, if I can't fall back asleep, I'll take a shower.
And so that'll get me, it's like a recalibration.
72, that's three days?
Yeah, I would say three days.
Casual.
What do you think, Nick?
For me, personally, I shower every day.
I love showering.
It starts my day.
Oh, God.
Damn.
Sorry, bro.
Sorry, Obama.
It's relaxing.
Sorry, Chancellor.
Yeah, I think I went four days during COVID, and it smelled like Wrigley Field after the seventh inning stretch.
That's getting messy.
The bathroom, the long urinal.
If you've been to Wrigley Field, they used to have like trough urinals.
Oh, yeah, family style.
Yep.
And that's what it smelled like.
Oh, yeah.
And then that was on the bottom.
Up top, I would say it smelled like pisseterias right there.
There it is.
Not the ivy.
I love that.
Oh, you could eat out of those.
Yeah, that's wonderful.
That's a salad.
It's a salad bar right there.
That's a buffet.
That's a before photo.
And up top, it smelled like someone was making soup.
Oh, yeah.
But no one was making soup.
Yeah.
I get that beefy smell sometimes.
Yeah.
Where it's like onions.
But do you ever have that, do you ever notice one of your underarms and be like, oh, wow, that smells like a wimp, like a female's kind of...
I mean, I think it's the same dynamic, which is a closed-up space with a sweat.
Yeah.
Closed up.
Yeah, I mean, they add another element.
Yeah, yeah.
But yeah, that's interesting because I always thought I was the only person, and I can't tell anybody this.
I always felt like it was this crazy secret that I had like a vagina under, like, or like I was supposed to be a woman.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, when you're young, you think, like, oh, my God, you know, there's like a woman trapped under my arm.
Yeah.
Or, you know, just crazy shit.
Yes, of course.
What else we got?
Nick, anything else good?
Hold on.
Oh.
Okay.
I believe you're going to know this.
Name two books by Ernest Hemingway.
Oh, I know this one.
What did the audience think?
He kind of told me.
I would have guessed yes.
I think he knows literature quite a bit, actually.
I hear some crazy references pulled out.
And I'm going to go with Sun Also Rises and Moby Dick.
Half right.
He did not write Moby Dick.
Are you serious?
Yeah, I had the same thought, and I can't remember who wrote Moby Dick Dick.
Did one of his friends write it?
Who wrote it?
Oh, man, I can't remember either.
It is Herman Melville.
Do you want a third?
You want to guess a different one?
Hemingway?
No, I just knew that one they had us read in high school, Ernest Hemingway.
I never really liked Hemingway, man.
I thought it was good.
I think Muriel's pretty hot, but I never heard of it.
You haven't?
No.
It was always a little, I don't know, short.
I like the short sentences.
He was like super into outdoorsy guy shit, right?
Yeah, he hunted and stuff like that.
Yeah, yeah.
Oats.
And he was just like Cameron Haynes, basically.
Yeah.
This is kind of early Cameron Haynes, I guess.
All right.
We did not, I'm surprised.
Sorry, folks.
He did not know.
This one, I think you're going to know.
Name three songs.
Can you name three songs by Def Leopard?
Let me think about it.
Def Leopard?
Uh-huh.
I would say.
Sound Def Leopard.
No.
Fuck.
I would have guessed you did.
I would have guessed you did.
I was going to say cherry pie.
That's what I was going to say.
That's Warrant.
That's Warrant.
Yeah.
That's Warrant, bro.
I fucking love Warrant.
Here we got The Old Man in the Sea for Whom the Bell Tolls.
Those are not Def Leopard songs.
That is Hemingway, Books, In Our Time, Sun Also Rises, Farewell to Arms, 2 Haven Have Not For Whom the Bell Tolls, The Old Man in the Sea.
What do you think?
I have a question then.
What do you think?
How do you think comedy looks after this?
Where do you think we go from here?
I don't know.
I mean, everyone has a different theory.
I've never been where people are like, people were saying early, like the comedy middle class is going to be fucked.
Like people that are open micers that work day jobs will be fine because they can, and then like headliners will be okay.
I don't know if anyone's going to have to stop doing stand-up.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, I don't think anyone, I don't know how many clubs are going to shut down completely, but so you just headline fewer clubs, I guess?
Well, yeah, I mean, there's less money coming in.
I mean, we had Brad Williams on the street.
Yes, I think that there will be less money, but I don't think it'll be you can no longer be a comedian.
I think you can still make a living doing it.
For some people, it will be a worse living, but I don't know.
I was supposed to start a show in New York, like a one-man show, May 5th.
Wow.
And had the theater and everything, and then it's just gone.
Do you, I mean, I can't help it.
It's interesting because you can find an airplane.
Yeah.
But you can't sit in a venue, you know?
Well, that's what the, the I read yesterday.
I think 50% of job, like hospitality and live events is down 50% employment.
So half the people are unemployed.
But then there's, I read another thing where they, there are venues like 300 Cedars are basically saying to headliners, like headliner headliners, like there's a place called City Winery in New York.
There's like eight of them.
There's like in different cities.
It's basically a live music venue or performance venue.
They basically said to headliners, like, we could have 80 people in here and you can charge whatever you want.
So there are certain acts that are thinking, like, I could charge 300 bucks a ticket.
Right.
And if it's 80 people, that the gross is 24 grand.
Right.
Maybe I can walk with 14 or whatever.
You know what I mean?
Like something.
Or you get the whole door.
Like if you, if you have fans that can pay a lot of money, you could do shows tomorrow.
Right.
You just have to charge people a lot of money.
Yeah.
In order to enforce social distancing, you're gonna...
I don't fucking know.
It seemed, right?
What do you think?
I think so.
I think, yeah, I think you get back to, I mean, I think, you know, some of the clubs are opening up.
They had 100 people and 125 people and the ones at in Oklahoma City and Salt Lake City.
I just wonder if they're going to, you know, if that works.
I can't see them after, you know, a couple of weeks not sliding in an extra table here or there, you know, or like, I mean, a little bit of that's going to happen.
So you're going to increase that.
Will there be raids?
Or will people I had the thought and I and I'm fairly I'm not certain about much in COVID.
There's not going to be another lockdown.
Meaning once this lockdown's over, they're not going to be able to do another one.
Right.
I just don't think people are going to go for it.
Yeah, I don't know if people, because I think people are like, okay, we did, we tried to flatten the curve.
I think now too many people just don't know what to believe.
There's that.
I also think even if there's a second wave in the fall, I think you're not going to be able to shut the country down.
I just don't, I think people are going to be like, nah, man, we did it.
We gave, we did three months of a worse life for almost everybody.
I have a worse life for everybody.
It's a worse life, right?
It's more like a different life.
Yeah, but I think for a lot of people, even I'm not that social.
I still wish I could go work and socialize, right?
I don't think people are going to go for it again.
I think it'll be some of it on the right will be, we don't believe you, and some on the left will be like, ah, come on, man.
Like, we did it once.
The economy's on life support.
Yeah.
And so that's the, I think that this, if there is a second wave, I think it's going to be every man for himself.
I think people are just going to be like, there you go.
I love that.
You and Shav are going to be fucked up.
I've always called every man for himself.
What do you think?
You like that, Nick?
I don't know if you, you could completely quarantine and not leave your house if that's the fear if you're older.
That's what I'm saying.
Like, my mom's 87. Yeah.
And I've had to like yell at her and be like, look, stay home.
Like, well, no, no.
You're 87. If you get COVID over 80, there's a 20% chance you die.
That's a freaking rap report right there.
Yeah.
Now, having said that, there was a guy, show the picture of the guy who was at Miami Music Festival, and he almost, he was ripped.
It was on BuzzFeed News.
He was yoked, and then he, and then he got.
Is it Aaron Berg?
This guy was on steroids.
Oh, that's funny.
I didn't even think about that.
I'm so naive.
Yeah, he probably, if you don't get steroids for a while, especially during this thing, then you're going to be able to do it.
No, if you do Miami, yeah.
I think this, I went to high school with this kid named Chris.
I think, is that him?
What's this guy's name?
Yeah, that guy doesn't have any steroids left.
I've seen this kind of shit.
And if you completely stop lifting, you don't eat, you dehydrate.
So he was in intubated for six weeks, and he thought it was a week.
Wow.
Yeah.
He said to the nurse, I'm about like, hey, so it's been a week.
She's like, a week?
You've been here six weeks.
Living off the freaking government's dime, this bastard.
Just laying there in a coma, bro.
Wake up, man.
Bro.
Yeah.
You got to get back out of that.
Bootstraps it, bro.
He went from you to me, basically.
Yeah, he's dying off, dude.
Fucking poor guy.
Holyo nation, dude.
It was 26% of his body weight in six weeks.
That's a lot.
Yeah.
But that's what I was saying.
Like, it's going to be Everyman for himself.
I was joking on the way over here that there should be, you know, like the NFL Combine?
Yeah.
That should just be like, if you can run the 40 in under eight seconds, you're good to go.
Like you can, you're good.
Do you on the starting line with their buggy?
They're going to be it.
Just like, are you fit enough?
Yeah, you'll be all right.
The chances are you're going to be fine.
Yeah.
Because I truly don't believe they're going to be able to do it again.
I don't think, I think enough businesses will be like, I'm not going to have a business.
Yeah.
I think there's like a quarter of businesses are fucked anyhow.
Well, a lot of people are operating in the DL.
I go to a trainer and see a trainer on the DL, you know, like, and it's, you know, they have a curtain in front of the, you know, right so nobody could see.
Yeah, I know people are getting like secret haircuts, back alley haircuts.
Yeah, I went out one yesterday at a garage over in Residento.
Somebody got me off Twitter.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, that's so funny.
So I had to finish it up myself a little bit.
She didn't do bad, but she didn't do great.
What do you think about the Joe Rogan deal?
There I am right there in that garage in Resident, man.
I rolled in.
That's so funny.
Her and her husband do it.
That's so goddamn funny.
It was pretty good over there.
I gave her a nice tip, I felt like, and they were her husband has two kids that he's divorced, but he has two kids that moved to the town I'm from, actually, in Louisiana, and they're living over there.
How old are they?
Like a daughter.
They're not of age.
I mean, the daughter sounded hot, but she's young, you know?
But that's what the lady said.
I didn't say that.
I didn't even ask.
Rogan, I think it's fucking awesome.
I think it's...
What do you think it's going to do?
Well, we talked about this on the phone.
I don't think it's going to do much.
I think it's good.
I think it's unequivocally good.
Because when Howard Stern went from radio to satellite, it was almost like he left popular culture.
Whereas Joe podcast is already not, it's already like off the beaten path.
So I think he's not going to be reduced culturally at all.
Right.
Like there's not, he's not going to miss.
I don't know how much that means to him anyway, but I don't, he's not going to be any less relevant culturally.
And it sounds like a lot of money.
And with very little downside.
It's like his listeners have to listen to ads.
I think there'll be a subscription if you don't want to listen to ads.
Same as YouTube, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
It seems like he, I mean, he's like the guy to do it because he got, like you said, he got everything he wanted.
He's licensed it, so he's not giving up IP.
He can still put out YouTube clips, which is like his biggest growth.
More people watch his clips than his full episodes on YouTube anyways.
Yeah, I don't see the downside.
People are like, oh, Spotify might be able to control him.
A, I think that's why he likes to.
They don't want to control him.
I mean, the reason he's popular is because he talks about 10 things.
Like, you know what I mean?
I don't think they're going to be like, could you just focus on UFOs?
Yeah.
Like, it's just, they're not going to.
And also, once, if he feels like, if he even sniffs like they're trying to control him, he'll just go, fuck this.
Fuck this.
I think that's why he said fuck this to YouTube because they are doing some of that slightly censorship thing.
Oh, are they really?
Yeah, I mean, just like if you talk about Corona, they'll demonetize you.
Yeah, and I think that kind of stuff could just be getting stronger, you know, as we go along.
It definitely seems like on Twitter, it's like extremely, it's a very liberal app, it seems like, you know, like, so I think that, and, you know, I think that I could see some of the other, you know, the giants, some of the other social media giants.
And YouTube's almost, it's really kind of like social media in a way.
But I'm curious to see what Spotify's new interface is going to look like because they're going to start video and they're going to have his full episodes.
And then are they going to buy other stuff to supplement it?
Because you can't just go there.
I promise you they're going to ask you, Schultz, Santino.
I'm sure they've already asked Burr.
Does Obama have a deal at Spotify?
That's a rumor that I heard.
There you go.
Spotify's deal podcast.
Yeah, that was back in June already.
Yeah.
So, yeah, like, I'm sure they've already asked Burr.
I'm sure they've already asked.
Bill Simmons, they gave him $100 million.
They gave him $100 million.
I think it was $100.
Yeah, I think $150.
But the difference there, they bought the ringer, actually.
Joe Rogan just licensed it.
But they also pay Amy Schumer.
She has a Doomer Show.
Joe Button.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Joe Button.
I think they'd rather have more than less.
There's no downside.
But a lot of my podcast just streams on Spotify.
Joe wouldn't give it to them, I think.
Right.
Yeah, I don't think, I mean, and they're going to license, I guess at a certain point he'll be able to get it all back.
Yeah.
Will they take everything he has on YouTube and put it onto Spotify?
The full episodes, yes.
And it's going to be like a slow transition.
Okay.
So it's been, yeah.
So he's got a huge library.
He's got 6,000 hours, I would guess.
Wow.
He's done maybe not 6,000, but definitely 3,000.
Yeah.
So I think it's good for both of them, honestly.
Their stock went up 10%.
Yeah.
Like on the announcement.
It's good.
That's all they wanted.
I wonder what their platform is going to be like.
I mean, it is time for YouTube to have a competitor for sure.
Yeah, and I don't know if that's the...
Yeah.
But yeah, that's the, I'm happy for Joe, and it seems like there's no downside.
And that's a smart investment on their part.
I think I said to you on the phone, the fact that Comedy Central or a network never got a bunch of podcasts, video podcasts, and just put them on Comedy Central at 10.30, the way E used to put Howard Stern on, it's still baffling to me.
It's still, because you look at the amount of hits it would get, you'd be like, those better numbers than Comedy Central numbers.
Yeah.
So why would you guys, and I think it's because they didn't feel like they did it.
Yeah, like Loveline at night.
Remember even having Loveline on, that was like having a podcast, basically just sitting there.
And that was kind of a pop, that was a popular show.
Yeah.
But Loveline was the like a produced version of the radio show.
I don't even think they needed to do all that.
Yeah.
They could have.
What people didn't realize is this is enough.
Yeah.
This is enough.
They used to, I mean, Howard Stern used to show it, and then they acted like, well, that didn't happen.
And then I guess Imus did it on, he used to be on MSNBC.
It's going to be, I mean, it's definitely going to be interesting.
Yeah, I think for Joe, it's really a no-lose.
He does licenses.
You know, he can have it back, I'm guessing, whenever he leaves.
The thing about Joe is he doesn't seem rich.
Right.
Even though he's been rich and now he's getting to wealthy.
Yeah.
He just hasn't really changed.
he looks like he'd look if he worked construction.
Yeah.
Almost to the outfit.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, it's on nothing's different, which is part of his ability.
He just doesn't, that's his sensibility.
It's like t-shirts and jeans.
Yeah, and a pocket full of fresh hawk meat.
What about the Comedy Central?
Can you pull up Andrew Schultz's video about Comedy Central, please, on his Instagram?
I love this shit.
Schultz called me on the way over here.
He did?
Yeah.
How's he doing?
Good?
Good, yeah.
He's always good, huh?
Yeah.
He's got a good disposition.
Yes, he does.
God, lucky bastard.
Central got fired last week.
Oh, I heard like every exec at Kavi Central got fired last week.
What the fuck?
I don't wanna dance on nobody's grave, but that's what you get, you stupid ass!
Bitch, you bitch!
That's that Takashi right there.
That's that Takashi right there.
That's awesome, man.
That's good.
That's crazy, man.
Yeah.
I mean, we were talking about it yesterday.
They have passed on so many...
I've never understood why they wouldn't just give people the benefit of it.
Meaning, sign people to a three-year deal and go, just come up with a show for yourself.
Yeah.
And they go, all right, we'll shoot it.
And then they're going to do another one.
Do another one.
Do another one.
Like, just if you're.
I have a theory that they didn't ever really like the shows that were hits for them.
Like, they didn't like South Park.
They just found it crass.
Or Tosh.
Tosh, they didn't like.
It's just fratty.
What they call fratty.
Yeah.
Like, oh, what is this junk?
Yeah.
That's what's paying your salary.
Yes.
That's the shit that keeps like Review and Nathan for You don't make money.
Tosh fucking makes money.
Chappelle Show makes money.
They thought that I think they didn't like the tone.
It's just not like sophisticated and buttoned up.
So it wasn't.
The Daily Show was kind of created in-house.
Doug Herzog, who was the president, was like, we should do like a sports center for the news.
Right.
And they love John, and that's a big moneymaker.
And Colbert was a fucking great show, too.
Like, both very good shows and very profitable for them.
And then, but they're now, they had, all the people there had nothing to do with them.
So they want to make sort of more broad city and they want to make like Jordan Kepler, whatever that show was.
They picked up some.
It's like, what is this?
They made a lot of stuff that I felt like was very leftist.
They didn't stay in the middle of the road at all.
Well, they are not in the middle of the road.
The people that work there are not middle of the road.
So that's what I'm saying.
They think Tosh is fratty and Chappelle shows kind of fratty and South Park's kind of fratty.
It's so crazy.
I just don't understand that you would.
I don't know.
It makes me mad because I went in there so many times and pitched them so many things.
I spent a year developing this really great project with them that I think I'm probably just going to end up releasing on YouTube, you know?
It just burns me up sometimes, man.
Yeah, I did a couple piles for them and they didn't pick them up.
And I was always like, you don't want to just pick it up just because of Chappelle show?
Just maybe?
Just me.
I don't know.
Fucking maybe I'm maybe I'm maybe I'm good luck or something.
I always do well.
Like I did an hour on their network.
It rated really well.
Yeah.
They just I don't I think certain people they just don't they like who they like and they don't like who they don't like.
Yeah.
And there's just nothing you can do about it.
Well, they always like if a girl wants to sleep with you or not.
And you can't be like, don't you look at this tie.
I don't care.
I've already decided.
Right.
And they make their mind up.
They like sophisticated, alternative Williamsburg-y, Silverlake-y.
That's their, that's their, the people who works there's personality.
Yeah.
And so you seem crazy.
You're like southern.
What?
Well, they hadn't had a southern person on the network.
I can't even remember since when.
It's just so messed up because, you know, they say they're like, oh, we want to, you know, we want to put alternative voices and this and that.
But it's like to get from, you know, a place in like a small town in the south to get here and then to be able to continue to like, you know, weave your way through this place and then you get to a level where you finally have some opportunity and they say, oh, no, this isn't for you.
It's like, do you know how fucking hard it was to do this?
Yeah.
Like, it just.
Well, that's, I mean, the good news.
It's not really progressive.
It's like progressive is, you know, I don't know.
It's high, it's, it is because like progressive should just be the funniest people, but then they would get in trouble in the press and amongst their peers for not being more for not being more representative and shit like that.
Like, so it just comes down to like, I told Charlemagne this one time.
I was like, white people don't make black movies because they don't, they go to a cocktail party, making a black movie doesn't give you any cachet.
They're like, oh, like if you made, if you make like a Cohen brothers movie or if you make like a, if you make No Country for Old Men or Fargo, that's, and you go to a cocktail party, you're going to fucking run that motherfucker.
Right.
But if you are.
If you make a Tyler Perry movie.
Right.
If you make The Cupboard 7 or whatever.
Ooh.
Yeah.
Like, so there's just no, there's like less incentive.
And that's like with a lot of TV execs, they don't, their circle is all liberal snobs.
And that's the thing I was saying to you on the phone yesterday.
It was like, as a comic, because we're comics, we travel all the time and we see people killing who we don't agree with.
So we, every night, we get our point of view, like supported and not supported.
So we know, like, our, yeah, my point of view is funny and I think it's right.
And then I go on, I talk my fucking liberal shit, then you go on after me and do whatever I do.
Do your thing.
You do as well, better, around the same, whatever.
So I can't be like, my point of view is the only point of view.
Like, you can't.
As a comedian, I cannot think that.
Because A, I have to travel to Dallas and Houston and Austin and New Orleans and like places where people are not like me.
Right.
But how closed-minded is it to act like those people's sense of humor isn't relevant?
Like that's the crazy thing.
I just think that they're biased and they don't even, they think that people, those people's sense of humor is less, is just less sophisticated.
And what I would say is they're not, obviously it's some of it is, but there's some dumb white, there's some like, it's not all fucking earnest goes to camp.
Yeah.
And in fact, a lot of people, that's so old shit.
It's almost like, but by alienating a lot of that part of the country, you alienate a lot of great storytelling.
You alienate, I mean, you just alienate so much, you know?
Yeah.
I just don't understand it.
Now, the good news is you failed all the way to the bank.
You know what I mean?
Like you failed and no one, That's the thing you always want to do.
You want a fucking trophy and a party.
Right.
And we'll never get, like, you won't get press coverage for this.
You won't get.
I think most people would look at your views or downloads and be baffled.
You know what I mean?
Like, they'd be like, what?
For that, for just that, they don't understand.
They literally are confused by it.
So that's the great thing about doing stand-up is like, you just go, oh, I'm not, I'm like, I'm me, you, Joey, Joe, and Whitney could all go back to back.
We all do around the same as well, and we all have completely divergent political points of view or cultural points of view.
And that's what's fucking awesome about it.
Yeah, and that's how their network should be, I feel like, a lot of times, or how it should have been.
Right, because they don't know how to, I think I told you that they didn't know the Chappelle show, when we first started, they would go like, this isn't, they like wouldn't like jokes or sketches.
And we're like, can we show it to the crowd?
Do you mind?
And then we'd show it to the crowd and it would kill.
And the first couple episodes, they were like, well, your crowd isn't our crowd.
It was like, what are you talking?
It was just people with biases didn't want to believe that this thing that they couldn't, if they didn't understand it.
And then finally, after six episodes, they said, we don't understand it.
And you can kind of do whatever you want because they didn't understand it.
Man, I mean, it just, to just act like something doesn't exist.
Yeah.
That's almost the crazy thing sometimes to have like something.
Why doesn't it exist?
It's the most, it's almost worse to me than like a racism in a way.
It's like a.
It's a classism.
It's like cultural snobbery and it's cultural bigotry in a weird way.
Yeah.
To act like you're a man.
Prejudging you because you have a mullet and you get your hair cut in a garage.
I accept you.
Yeah.
No, no, but that's the thing.
It's like they would go like, what?
They're, you're like a fucking, you're a fucking, you're a fucking Gator man or whatever the fucking, what was that Gator show?
Yeah, like, oh, this boy's been swamping.
You're a swamp thing.
Like, you're so far off the...
You can invest a little bit of money in your own cameras and you make great money.
And you get the underdog status that is its own reward.
Like, it's more rewarding than you would actually.
Yeah, you're probably, it is.
You'll feel like everyone's rooting for you.
There's always a little something you want that wedding, though.
There's always a little.
I know.
Because I think it's anything.
You just want to be told you're part of the group.
Yeah, that's the thing.
It's like, it's the thing of like, oh, you don't exist.
It's like, man, that's how I felt most of my life while I even had to fucking start telling jokes.
And then I get all the way here to California to the place where it's like, come here if you feel like this.
And I get there.
And it's not even about feeling like that.
It's not about that, really.
It's about, oh, it's really, oh, we determine if you are okay or not.
You're like, oh, so this is exactly the same thing that I did, that I disprove once.
This is not pretending that I left.
This is exactly the same thing that ignited all this in me in the beginning.
Yes.
Is that, oh, we don't see you.
Yeah.
You're not seen by us.
And I think the...
It's really the most messy.
It's like it's kind of painful and unfair.
It is.
It's like, and I don't, it's a limited thing.
They have a limited resource.
They only can show so many shows, whatever.
I get that.
But as people that feel like, hey, we're sensitive and we work hard and it's very hard to, and you have no, the amount of times I'm told you're invisible, people would be baffled by.
Yeah.
And you had one of the biggest shows.
Yeah.
But like I get, so I do big show.
I'm not, I'm talking about like in stand-up, anything in where it's like I big show, I do a big show and then do a Netflix special that's popular and good.
And then I do a half hour Netflix, popular and good.
And then like Dave Chappelle's getting honored by the Kennedy Center and they go, will you write for this?
I'm like, will I write for it?
No.
Not even a little bit will I write for it.
It's just like this constant heat seeking and it's never merit.
It's never just like, I think you're fucking funny.
Yeah, it's just no one's making any, it's just weird.
It's like, why would you spend your whole life afraid to make a choice?
Or have people on that are, like if you have a show, a podcast or whatever, like, just have people on that you're fucking good instead of like, let me see, how many followers do you have?
Well, it's the worst thing it became about, yeah, I mean, fuck them, bro.
You know, and that's what I like about Joe's success is that he truly just did the thing he liked.
He liked UFOs, he liked UFC, he liked drugs, he liked weed, he liked fucking conspiracies, he liked, and he just was like, oh, talk about that.
Let's get somebody in.
He loved comedy, and it just becomes like, great.
And he had people on based on, I want to have you on.
I don't know if you're popular.
I don't know anything about you other than I saw you and I thought you were good.
Not like, there's no calculation and there's no like, well, you seem cold.
Like they just were like, you're good.
That's it.
Full stop.
Or you do well.
You kill.
Yeah.
That's what it's like, almost like the combine thing where I almost feel like if you do a show and you get laughs above a certain decibel meter, you're good.
Right.
You can do, you're allowed to do whatever you want.
Not anything you want, but it just seems like, well, what's the, it's just you personally, it's just you say no and it's not based on fucking anything other than your taste and your biases.
Yeah, just it's crazy.
It's crazy how you can just, I never felt more, it was a couple years ago, man, especially right when all the Trump stuff or whenever like the political.
I remember.
I remember you were like mad for a year.
Oh, it just, because I just like, man, it was like, man, this is where you're supposed to come if you want to be open-minded and think about things.
And, you know, and this is where, and it just wasn't that.
It was just a lie, you know?
Yeah.
And it was like, oh, so you're telling me that we don't judge people, we don't look at this, but then that's exactly what I worked so hard to get my head out of the ground on Groundhog's Day.
Yeah.
Well, a lot of times it's like people, they don't, they're not against bullying.
They're not against racism.
They're against bullying against them and bullying against racism against their group.
They're not against it at large.
So that's why it's perfect.
Yeah.
No, I know, I know.
That's the thing is like, that's why it's like, I know, I know.
And you know, I know.
Yeah.
You know, I know what you're feeling.
And that's like, like, I'm a, like, I was thinking on the way over here, like, we're similar in that we're like not exactly of either thing.
You're not exactly, I'm sure people in Louisiana think you've a little Hollywood and people in Hollywood think you're a little Louisiana.
And you're like, and I'm like a nerd, but all the nerds think I'm a jock and all the jocks think I'm a nerd.
And I'm like, and the, and white people think I'm black.
Yeah.
And black people think I'm white.
And I'm just like, ah, I, and you end up feeling isolated.
Yeah.
And, and it's like, it's a source of frustration.
Sort of frustration.
It's also a source of, though, like, I mean, you know, I'm kind of wallowing in that a little bit.
I'm almost getting into self-pity a little bit, but it's like, yeah, it's also a source of like, oh, this is what has probably always driven me.
So, and thank, I'm glad they, that they served another dose.
I'm glad that you have guys like Schultz who are like, I'm free enough to say what I want, you know?
Yeah.
But that's the great, but the funny thing is, like, all things comedy or any podcasting network is going to be more valuable than Comedy Central in five years.
Yeah.
So as much as it's like, it's just one of those things of like, you're getting, you're 40. You see cycles now and you're like, oh, fuck.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
That's surprising, but like, I made a bunch of money on DVDs.
What?
Yeah.
What are DVDs?
Yeah.
Like, there's...
Like, you just have to stick around long enough to, and if you're, and I was talking to a buddy of mine who's a musician.
And by the way, no one feels like they've made it.
That's the other thing I've learned is no one feels like I'm on top of the world.
Like everyone's like, has a list of fucking grievances and people that fucked them over and things they'll never give me.
They'll never give me that.
Like a buddy who's a big singer and he's trying to get a, he's like, I need two more hits.
Then they can't say shit to me.
Oh, wow.
And you're like, still?
And I'll tell you after who it is, you'll be like, that's so God.
No one feels like they've done enough.
And no one feels respected enough.
No one feels like legitimized enough.
Even the most legitimized people.
That's the good news.
Now, I would say that you and I have a legitimate grievance.
Yeah.
I mean, I think it's just that thing.
I think it's.
And you want to feel like you belong.
That's the thing is more than anything.
It's like, I'm mad I'm not on this.
You probably are like, I'm not mad, but I'm like.
No, no, but you know what I mean?
Like, there's all these groups.
Yeah.
And you're like, I don't, I mean, I know what, I know in the ways I'm not like these guys and I know the ways I am like, but, but we all want to be in the.
Right.
We all want to be included.
Yeah.
That's all we all, that's all we want at all.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like we just want to be included and it's hard.
And that's, I think, the thing that liberals don't understand about conservatism the last five years.
It's just like, it's just been, they've just been excluded for so long culturally and a bunch of other ways that it's like, well, fuck you.
This guy at least cares.
This guy's like me.
Right.
More.
I mean, now, having said that, he's not at all.
Like Jared Kushner and fucking, they're worse than any liberal you can ever meet.
But I'm saying, like, like, I get it.
I get it.
I get the anger and resentment you feel from being excluded and looked past.
Yeah, that's the thing I think.
Just not being seen.
Yeah.
I think everybody feels that.
You think, Nick?
Everybody wants to be included.
You know?
Like, I feel bad sometimes if we're doing an episode and I don't talk to Nick.
Like, I don't mention Nick.
Yeah.
Not because I think Nick's sitting there thinking, oh, I wish he would mention me, but it's like.
But you're a hypocrite if you don't think that.
You're a hypocrite if you're like, we're not left.
Right.
Are the lights on us good?
Stay back behind that glass, monster.
In fact, close the door.
The open door is freaking me out.
Hold your breath and get underwater somewhere.
But no, it's just because I know that everybody wants to feel mentioned.
Everybody wants to feel, yeah, we just want to feel like a part of something.
Yeah.
Which I think is one of the reasons why people come out to LA a lot of times because they maybe some people anyway.
Yeah, they didn't fit in where they didn't fit in.
They didn't feel a part of something or they didn't feel like, yeah, they had the full feeling.
Yeah, but I'm not, I'm not, I get it, and it's, I'm like, I heard Nipsey Hustle one time.
I used to say this to Dave and then Nipsey Hustle said a version of it.
What I used to say to Dave is like, before Spellshot, like his curves fucking fucked.
Half Bay came out, didn't do good.
Did another movie, didn't do good.
He was just like mad and pissed off and like floundering kind of.
And I was like, they'll let you back in, but you're going to have to walk.
And they're not going to give you a ride.
They're not going to make it easier in any way.
And Nipsey Hustle said he's like, yeah, I'll get, I just have to take the steps.
Like, you're not.
You just get to the point where you go, I'm never going to be given.
They're never, you're never getting a wedding.
Right.
I'm never getting a wedding.
I will never get that like.
That marriage, ironically.
Yeah.
I will never get the marriage to, I will never get, I will never feel the love and the acceptance that I would get from being like, I auditioned and they said, you're going to, we're going to put you on a show.
And then I did a show and that was a hit.
And then I decided, hey, I want to sing.
And then I like it, for us, it's not like that.
It's like, well, it's like someone's car and their cousin.
Yeah.
And this.
People shitting on you and like looking down at you.
And like, it's just never.
And it's the sewer, man.
Yeah.
And all it does is just makes you more empathetic and makes you and it makes people root for you.
Yeah.
I don't think you will ever not have.
That's the thing.
As much as you're, you think your southernness is a liability, but it's not.
It was.
Now it's selling point.
Yeah.
You know?
Well, thank you.
That's a nice compliment, I think.
But it's also true.
It's like now I don't know where most of your listeners or most of your viewers are, but it's.
They're all over.
They're just regular people, really.
That's what I mean.
And it's not fancy.
It's not Hollywood.
It's also not premeditated.
Yeah.
It's like, and so you see it as like for years, people like, this fucking swamp thing's here.
And now it's like, the fucking swamp thing's here.
Yeah.
It's like, goes from, or like the Rat King, like this fucking Rat King's out here.
And now it's like, fucking Rat King's coming.
You might have to come back soon, man.
Yeah.
Yeah.
People are excited.
Yeah.
Dude, we sold so many rat, we sold a ton of Rat King shirts, man.
Yeah.
And it's fucking fun.
And it's fun being the Rat King, too.
Of course.
And it's fun that the whole world is turning into WWE, man.
That's what I think about.
Like, like we're talking about, like, what's his name turning into the heel Hulk Hogan, you know?
And I had one question.
So you and Dave Chappelle, you guys are on talking terms now, right?
Yeah.
And were you guys, so for a long time, because what was that?
Like, you guys had a.
We were.
And it's okay.
We don't want to talk about what you don't want.
The way the show went.
Basically, the way the negotiation after the show got popular was just not, like, good.
Did you have a...
Were you able...
Kind of separately.
Right.
So where, and that's the problem.
You know that that's the problem.
And I told him before we started, I go, you know, they're going to play Divide and Conquer.
They have to pay you.
They don't have to pay me.
So the only way they'll pay me is if you make them.
And then they played him.
It's just so many people come between when something's popular, you just get layers of people that want to seem more important and want to seem like they're doing things to protect Dave.
it was Dave in that case, but it's a bunch of people.
It can be a fucking...
Do you know what I mean?
Because they're not writing, they're not directing.
They're not in the shit.
You mean like an executive?
Not executives, like more like lawyers, agents, managers, that type thing.
They resent you because you have to be included because I do the show.
I don't call the nigga.
I make the show.
Did you?
So then that creates separation and then he left and it was fucking like that added to it.
Was that a surprise when he left?
I mean, like in retrospect, not really, but that's a pretty big swing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, what do you guys think?
Yeah, like going to Africa is like, that's pretty big.
Like, I didn't see that coming.
Although, like, that's exactly out of proportion.
That's as out of proportion as the rest of the show.
Right, right.
Where it's like the most popular shit.
And then, like, what's the leaving the show version of the Rick James sketch?
Going to Africa, right?
Not telling anyone?
All right, I'll do that.
So there's that.
And then we didn't really speak.
We spoke a little bit.
And then since like, we've been cool since like 07. Yeah.
Yeah, I know you guys are, I know you guys have been for a while.
Whenever you watched The Last Dance, did you think of yourself like a Scotty Pippen at all?
Of course.
Yeah.
I watched, I mean, I said it in Free Mics.
It was like Scottie Pippen.
It was like, it's like being on a team with Michael Jordan.
And so it's funny seeing Pippen get mad.
It's like, I want to call him and be like, Pip, there's nothing we can do.
Yeah, he's going to be.
There's just nothing you can do.
I'm going to play for Birmingham.
I'm going to play for Birmingham.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And there's nothing.
And also like, I got to get my...
They can't.
The audience only understands single...
No one's ever been on, like, even when they say a dream team, one of them's better.
Yeah.
They always, it's like, LeBron and D-Wade.
It's LeBron.
Right.
Capital LeBron, smaller D-Wade.
Or LeBron and Anthony Davis.
But the mixture makes it.
Of course.
Right.
But, and then if you're Dave, you don't want to fucking acknowledge a mixture with a fucking white person.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
And I get that.
Fucking, you know what I mean?
Like, yes.
If you'd have been black, do you think that the show would have been picked up for another season then?
Well, it wasn't picked up.
It was picked up.
If I'd have been black, that's a really good question.
I don't.
It's impossible to know.
It would have been a little.
No, but then, yeah, there's a different.
There would have been like a lot of the same ones and then a host of other ones that I probably don't even realize.
Right.
But no, of course.
So it's like they don't.
You watch it and you go, yeah, Scotty Pippin's fucking great.
Yeah.
It's just not as great as him.
He shows up.
He's just not as good as him.
It's like that deal with that all the time.
Like there was a, there was a, I went on after Dave at the Comedy Cellar one time and the MC was like, it's next co-creator Chappelle show.
And I go, and I go on, I'm like, Co-Creator Chappelle show is a really good credit unless Dave just went on.
And then it's nothing.
It's like, yeah, it's fucking great.
Oh, that's interesting.
Unless the fucking guy was just here.
It's not there.
You're just like, ugh.
So I get the, it's just an insurmountable.
I don't, but I will say I'm not, I'm not jealous.
I'm not really jealous of Dave.
Even Chris Rock said that one time.
He's like, you're just not jealous.
You're just, I don't like, I'm mad.
I have like personal argument shit with Dave, but I'm not like, I should have been Rick James.
Yeah.
I'm like, it's fucking very different skills.
Yeah.
And so I'm happy to be myself.
And to the underdog thing, it is fun to climb out of it.
Yeah.
It's fucking, sometimes I look at my career and like, this is a fucking miracle.
Wow.
It's a miracle that like I was a writer for a TV show that was really popular and now I'm a kind of famous comedian.
Yeah.
That's fucking impossible.
Like I wasn't a comedian and then I like figured out how to do it and like it's it's crazy.
Yeah.
And not even like suck my day.
Like I just mean like right neither.
I think about it.
You just get like objective.
You look at your career objectively, your life objectively.
You have to look at things.
Yeah.
I mean even well looking back on Chappelle can you see like was he just under you think like looking back now and knowing how we see like people get stressed and the overwhelmingness of things do you think yeah I think it's just stress and I think it's not it just once things are not fun it's not and also once you're talking about that much money and people know how much money you're making and it's on the cover of the paper and it's like it's not it's like yeah it's it's it's like uh the difference between I've said
this to a basketball player like difference between a rookie contract and a max deal rookie contract everyone feels like they're even if you're the best rookie they're like man you're making five million bucks that's pretty fucking good and then you get your max deal you're making 33 million a year and they're like I don't know what you're gonna do but it fucking better be good go no go show me mr. 33 million dollars and it's just a less fun position to be in yeah
which is the thing of having never had a wedding like you know we'll we'll never get I don't think anyone will ever be like okay Mr. Smarty Pants or whatever like I don't think that that's a thing that we may never have to deal with and that which is good which is a good that's an advantage that we don't have to we'll have to deal with like it's not as good as this last thing or any of that stuff but it'll never be like I feel like Joe
somehow got around it I don't think anyone resented him and I think it has to do with his looks and clothes um and habits I don't think his habits yeah and his habits too he lifts people up a lot you know yeah he does I feel like include people a lot yeah so that's the but I don't but like you know me and Dave argued about it for six hours like three weeks ago really oh that's fun it's fucking hilarious it's hilarious it's so interesting but yeah what I mean what a comedy because yeah like to
think that to go then to comedy central and they won't give you a new show and then you're like wow I mean you had to feel well they wanted me to produce black sketch shows that I can do till I die um they'll give me please yeah you got blank check for that but I'm like I don't want to this is not what I, that wasn't even, it was a black sketch show, but it was more just a show about Dave.
It wasn't like, and then black, something black will happen.
Yeah, do something black.
And then something black.
Do blackness.
And so yeah, it is, I don't get many opportunities.
They, there's just people have a bias against me and that I don't understand.
Because I get, I was watching an old clip of mine from eight years ago because I thought I was good.
I was like, I'm good.
And everyone would be like, no, no, no.
And somebody who like literally said comedian X is better than you.
And I was like, okay, so I sent him a clip from my Comedy Central half hour.
I did get on Comedy Central barely.
A half hour of a joke from eight years ago.
And it was a fucking good joke.
And I was like, so why did you tell me that so-and-so is better than me?
And he was like, I don't know.
I just had a bias.
I just had a bias.
And it's like, people don't want to.
Something about me, people think I'm racist, people think I'm arrogant.
People think I'm cold.
I don't know.
But it's not.
I just don't get the benefit of the doubt.
Damn.
Yeah, but I guess who wants the benefit of the doubt, right, Nick?
Fuck yeah.
Stay in your home.
We don't serve it here, man.
Now, don't put me on here because I don't want to feel like I didn't earn it.
Do not put me on here.
I will say we didn't pick those people.
It was just the animator.
We didn't pick it.
Just the guy, this guy, Papio Tunison.
He's Poland.
Oh, oh, God, I got it.
People he listened to.
He just sent us this one day.
And Gianni was like, we should put it on the wall.
Oh, we sent you the thing.
Okay.
Got it.
Nick hates it.
He looks like himself.
I look all sad.
I'm a pretty chipper guy, I think.
They got you.
I gotta say, man.
They really captured you.
But it's so funny, man, the feeling of like, yeah, I'm not included.
Yeah, like, I'm not at the wall at the improv.
And we didn't have it.
Right.
Yeah.
And I'm just nothing to do with it.
Why not?
I know.
Why not?
And I think that's what I'm saying.
Isn't it funny to see, though, that we didn't even really have anything to do with it?
I know.
And then I make this narrative up about how all you guys think.
And meanwhile, you don't, it hasn't even crossed your mind.
You haven't, but that's what the human fucking brain does.
Yeah.
We just want to be included, man.
Yeah.
Neil Brennan, thank you so much, man.
You got it, buddy.
Now I'm just floating on the breeze And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking break and let myself on wild shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my story.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song.
I will stay there just for you.
And I've been moving way too fast on a runaway train with a heavy level with a ladies and gentlemen.
I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
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And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
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