Upload Video Questions for Glenn “Big Baby” Davis http://bit.ly/GlenDavis_Questions ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New Merch https://theovonstore.com ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This episode is brought to you by… Manscaped Visit https://manscaped.com and use promo code THEO for 20% plus freeshipping MyBookie Visit https://MyBookie.ag and use promo code THEO to double your first deposit ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- James Blake https://www.instagram.com/jamesblake/ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Intro Tiny Sandhu Outro “Drunk Outdoors” - North Mississippi All-Stars http://bit.ly/DrunkOutdoors_NorthMississippiAllstars_ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://bit.ly/TPW_VideoHotline ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Patreon Gunt Squad Name Aaron Rasche Alex Bmayer Alex Hitchins Alex Mcminn Alex Person Amy Love Anthony Holcombe April Schultze Ashley Konicki Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Herron Benjamin Streit Blake Thompson Brandon Woolsey Brian meek Chad Kleier Christopher Becking Christopher Burton Cody Anderson Cody Kenyon Crystal David Christopher Dentist the menace Dionne Enoch Dusty Baker Eric Tobey Gillian Neale Ginger Levesque Greg Salazar J Garcia Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter James Schneider Jameson Flood Jayme Sta Jeremy Weiner Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joey Piemonte Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan Josh Nemeyer Joy Hammonds Julie Ogden Justin Doerr Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Lawrence Abinosa Lea Rashka Leighton Fields LJ Logan Yakemchuk Madeline Matthews Matt Nichols Megan Price Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Miles Sadler Mona McCune myinitialsareOKbutimnot Nicholas Leach Nick Roma Noah Bissell Passenger Shaming Qie Jenkins Raye Vella Roxy Deputy Ruben Prado Ryan Hawkins Sagar Jha Scott Turnbull Shane Pacheco Shona MacArthur Starvin Marvin Zamora Stephen Trottier Suzanne O'Reilly Tanner Marvel Taryn Feingold Theo Wren Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Tito Liebowitz Tom Kostya Tugzy Mills Vanessa Amaya Vince Gonsalves William Reid Peters YardDart 11b Yvonne Zeke HarrisSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Man, just got done watching a little bit of that James Blake live on Instagram.
And man, he's a real...
Oh, you know, if you pick James Blake up and you put your ear up next to him, you just...
That guy, it's he just, if you're not familiar with his tunes and his, you know, vocalry, get out there.
I mean, that guy's got Siegfried and Roy living inside of his dang tonsils.
You know, he just, he's that whistler.
Man, I just listened to, I was really listening just now to him on Instagrams and it, yeah, it just opened up just damn, two of my chakras fell open.
You know, he's that papa lock.
If your soul is stalled out on the side of the of the stole, of the soul earth system, then check out some James Blake audio.
And you can find him on YouTube and you can find him in everywhere, anywhere you listen to music, you know.
But he just, he shows up and he just got that Jimmy stick and he'll just, I mean, the boy will make you damn, he'll make a tear flow out of your heart.
You're like, dang, I thought we were just working with blood.
But next thing you know, your aortas are really, they slang in saltwater.
You feel me?
So I'm lifted, man.
I feel lifted right there.
That's the power of music.
And it is quite a power.
Let's get into the episode, gang.
Let's get into the episode, gang.
Let's get into the episode, gang.
And that ain't, that's not James Blake, that is Tiny Sand who.
And he just hit the email opened up yesterday, and I grabbed that email, and it was from the man himself, Tiny Sandhu.
And he's been sending in Diddies from the beginning of this podcast era.
And that was a cover of by him, For the Love of Money by the OJs, and that's a cover.
And just nice of him, you know, a time when people are really, a lot of us, there's that energy where, you know, there's just uncertainty.
I'm cloaking myself in uncertainty.
And here he is saying, look, here's a certain tune, and this is for you, and I'm going to give something of myself.
And that's Tiny Sandhu with that ear, diddy, man, that thing crawling inside of your ear like a little ant.
And he gave us that hit.
Gang.
I hope you guys are well.
I hope you guys are well.
Thank you for being here.
I'm here, and you are here.
And that is a good start.
You know, that's a good start.
I'm happy to be alive today.
What am I doing?
I made a gratitude list this morning.
You know, just things.
I'm happy to have arms.
You know, I'm happy that there's, you know, that the calendar works.
You know, imagine that.
You got, you know, the calendar, everybody thinks the calendar just happened.
You know, like two people were standing around wondering if there would ever be a Thursday and then just out of the sky, a calendar just fell and they said, oh, dang, they got it.
Somebody graphed it out.
You know, somebody did the dirty work.
But a lot of people don't realize that, yeah, the calendar is basically the calendar is it's, well, shit, what is it, dude?
The calendar is like the, it's like kind of the, honestly, dude, it's like kind of a mentally handicapped periodic table if you look at it like that.
Like sometimes a calendar will be outside playing in his yard and the periodic table will drive by in a straight up Corvette, you know?
And the calendar will be like, oh, dang, boy, I'm still on the tricycle.
You know, I'm not shit compared to that bad boy right there.
So the calendar really is really a second class set of organization compared to the big dogs, like the periodic table, the food pyramid, what else?
Iambic pentameter, different, you know, large, different things that are really more popular, kind of, I guess you could say.
But what are we talking about, man?
I don't know.
I don't know anything, man.
Does anybody?
You know, today it's Monday afternoon.
The days of the week are running together.
You know, time has got, I mean, things are, people are inside.
The postmates guy showed up in the rain last night and it felt like a damn, it felt like, I felt like I was in that movie, The Notebook.
Dude, he showed up and I just, I mean, it was just wild.
I started hearing just romantic music and he's standing there and he had two kebabs for me and I didn't want him to leave, bro, because I hadn't seen anybody.
You know, and I just yelled.
I said, I think you forgot a side item.
And he turned back, man, and it was crazy.
and the rain was coming and lightning.
Wow.
Wow.
And he turned back and he goes, No, it's in the bag.
It's in the bag.
And I looked in there and it was in there.
And it was in there.
But when I looked back up from the bag to like acknowledge to him that it was in there, he was gone.
And man, it was just, it was a lot.
You know, it was a lot.
And I'm sitting in my apartment and I'm just wondering, do I call him back?
You know, do I call him and say, look, the side item was in there, but you forgot the silverware, bro, and the napkins.
You forgot that.
You know, but I just, I figured that he kind of said his piece and I'd said my piece and I'd already given him a tip and we just, I figured I'd just let things be where they are and leave it in God's hands.
But that's how, you know, it's just people are starved for attention.
It's, it's interesting because it's kind of like a time where, you know, on one level, it's like, and I'm talking about coronavirus.
Some people don't know what's going on.
There is a virus that is attacking people, senior citizens, a baby, Italians and Spanish people.
So those are the ones really taking an L right now real heavily.
They're basically the Minnesota Timberwolves or the Golden State Warriors of society right now.
You know, they're the ones having the rut.
They're the ones that are really at the bottom.
So it's, I don't know what I'm talking about.
I feel nervous too.
My chest feels tight.
I feel nervous.
Why do I feel nervous?
I don't know.
I think I've I don't know.
I think I've felt nervous for a long time.
I feel like I'm going to mess up or something.
You know, I have to let myself know that I can't mess up.
Not that I can't, but that there is no messing up, you know?
Just be alive and just, you know, just chill out.
You know, there's no messing up.
You know, sometimes I guess, I don't know, I'm just kind of feeling this, but I always feel like there's this thing, like, I'm going to mess up.
I'm going to mess up.
I'm going to mess up.
And it just gets exhausting, man.
And it's not even something I think a lot of times, just something I feel.
But I'm not going to mess up, you know, and you're not going to mess up.
I'm sure a lot of people out there right now kind of question what's going on with, you know, I know a lot of people are worried about their jobs and worried about their finances and worried about what's going to happen to them.
But, you know, it's interesting because I think there's something that happens inside of all of us.
Or anyway, there's something that happens inside of me during a time like this where there's a fear where it's like, okay, am I going to be okay?
What's going to happen to me?
What's going to happen?
You know, are they going to, you know, are they going to stop allowing people to do podcasts?
And is there ever going to be stand-up comedy with crowds again?
You know, those types of fear things will get into my head.
I'm not saying those are realistic.
I'm saying those are fears that will get into my head.
But then also there's this other garden inside of me that says, oh, how could I help?
You know, what can I do to help?
You know, do I have employees?
Are they worried about their jobs?
Can I communicate with them and say, hey, you know, we're going to do everything we can to stay, to make sure that, you know, that we bear this together kind of, you know, and that I don't just let you bear this by yourselves.
Or, you know, what can you do to call a family member who might be worried about losing their job?
And you say, hey, you know, you could come stay here.
You know, little DeAndre could sleep in the refrigerator.
We'll leave the door open.
He could sleep in there at night.
We'll unplug it and then plug it back in during the day.
You know, so that the cold air won't kill him at night and he can get a little bit of rest.
You know, you could share the bed with me and Victor, you know, or me and Horatio or me and D or me and Denise, and they call her D. You know, there's just like ways, so there's two gardens I think that go in me.
And one of them is like, you know, one is more of a garden of fear and one is more of a garden of hope.
And, you know, what are some joys I can embrace in this time?
I can be relaxed.
And I notice I relax a little more.
Took a nap.
Dang, boy.
And I like them nap and naps, dude.
I like them.
I'm a real napodactyl.
You'll see me, if I'm, I'm that napodactyl, boy, you see me fly through the air and then just fall asleep and just coast right into the side of a damn hillside, right into a mountain, right into a, um, uh, what is it with the things that die that don't do well in Oklahoma, trailer park.
You see what I'm saying?
I'm that napodactyl boy.
I'm that toucant.
They call me toucant Sam.
I'll be flying through the air just beautiful colored.
And then I'll just doze off and just dive bomb into something.
You know, I'm that sleepy creeper, boy.
I like to rest.
You know, it really resets me.
So this has been a nice time to have a little bit of rest.
You know, there was something needed here, especially, man, in America.
They got us working in the world.
We were working.
They got this invisible wheel going that I'm running on it.
For me, I felt like I'm, and I'm just realizing, Oh man, what am I?
I'm trying to keep up with something that's invisible.
You know?
I mean, these are just things I'm thinking.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
I feel nervous today for some reason.
And I think also that this disease that's going on, this coronavirus, this is really a city.
This is a city.
In the city, you get a different experience.
You know, in the city, you get, okay, we need you to stay away from each other because people can run into each other.
People will touch each other.
No freeze tag.
You know, they got a lot of gay men sometimes, I'll be honest, but in the park by me, and this is, I'm not saying anything, you know, everybody's probably gay, but I'm saying this, this is more drug-induced homosexuality.
And you know what I'm talking about.
You know, you play, you know, you play in hoops, you know, nobody, you play hoops with six or seven guys, nobody's gay.
You play pool with four or five guys, nobody's doing anything homosexual.
You know, you play marbles with three of your buddies, nobody's doing anything gay.
You throw 11 grams of meth into any one of those games and the whole game ends with people, you know what I'm saying, overtime is just a bunch of gay male activity.
And that's because of the drugs.
Think about that.
Think about that, man.
You know, you throw nine grams of methamphetamines into an Easter egg hunt.
And that thing ends, bro.
A lot of people, you know, a lot of young men, you know, getting nude with each other, you know, balancing chocolate on each other's backs and everything.
So, but what else are we talking about?
I don't know why I feel so nervous, man.
I just feel, oh, I had a coffee.
That could have been it.
I haven't had a coffee in probably three weeks.
I do have an announcement to make.
I am 23 days off of, no, I am 18 days off of cigarettes.
I was scared to tell people because I'm scared that if I tell them, then I'll start smoking again.
You know, there's something sometimes if I tell people what I'm doing, then I won't, then I worry that I'll stop doing it, you know, or something I won't take care of myself or whatever it is.
But yeah, man, it's really one of the one, it's one of, there's a lot of bright spots in my life right now.
You know, when I think about it, I made a gratitude list.
Let me see.
I've been making them.
What is, and so, but, but one of the things I'm grateful for really right now is just that, is that solitude from cigarettes, the space that I have from them right now.
Because I don't mind getting that little nick a hitter, baby, you know?
I don't mind dousing myself up with the devil's, you know, with the devil's garden with those garden sticks, bro.
That's all it is, bro.
A cigarette is just a bunch of dirty salad rolled up into some paper.
You know it.
But it's nice to be a little bit separate from them and get to feel my own vibe running through my veins sometimes.
But what have I been doing, man?
I've been making gratitude lists in the morning right now to help me.
I'm trying to work on my gratitude.
And so that's one thing I've been doing.
Today, I'm thankful I'm not alone.
I'm just reading a couple things from my list today.
I'm thankful there are people who love me that are just a phone call away.
Sometimes I forget that.
I feel like people don't love me, but they do.
They're just, I got to make an, I have to meet the love halfway, you know.
I'm thankful to be alive and to be amongst other things that live.
So that's one thing I'm thankful for.
And I'm thankful I can read.
That's a gift, man.
Imagine that.
You can't read, bro.
You staring at a bunch of words and you don't know what it is.
You don't know if it's a little zoo.
You think it might be a zoo for letters.
That's some people's reality, man.
But I'm thankful that I know how to decode them.
And that's called reading.
So, yeah, man, what else is going on?
What have I been doing?
What's been happening?
I don't know.
This weekend, oh, I went on a hike yesterday.
I know a lot of people are going to hate hearing that, but there's hike in Los Angeles.
There's a lot of hiking.
So I went out to a solstice trail.
And one thing that's nice when you get out on a hike, man, I start to want to get lost, honestly.
You know, I'm a big Hansel and Gretel fan.
I'm a big Goldilocks fan.
You know, if you're out of town, when I was young, if you were out of town and had a couple of bags of instant oatmeal, I'll sleep in you.
I'll throw on a fucking yellow wig and I'll Jimmy open the back door of y'all's complex.
I'll get into bed.
You know, I'll have two packets of them instant cheddar cheese grits and get in the damn bed.
So that's, you know, I got that little dirty girl inside of me that likes to live like that, that little sleep over slumber slutsky.
You feel me?
I'm not afraid to get into somebody else's bed, dude.
I really am not.
I never, you know, people used to do hide and go seek at my friend's house.
And the first place I'd go hide in somebody's bed, I'd get right up in that bitch.
Sometimes they come in the room and they'd be like, damn, there's no way Theo's hiding in grandma's bed, you know?
And grandma's downstairs.
She's, you know, on the phone.
She's bitching at somebody because the reader's digest showed up and it was all soaking wet.
And I'll be laid up in there.
You know, I'll have a jaw full of damn maple brown sugar oatmeal instant.
And it's lights out, dude.
I'm that kind of, that's who I am.
You know, I'm that risky, I'm that brave sleeper.
I'm that, that nocturnal, you know what I'm saying?
I'll fall asleep with fucking oatmeal in my mouth, son.
Gang shit.
Gang shit, boy.
What am I talking about?
I don't know.
But sometimes that's what this is, man.
You know it.
I know it.
And I don't know it at the same time.
I want to let you guys know that we had a live date coming up for the podcast live in Los Angeles, part of Netflix Festival.
And that is going to be moved to be decided date.
And the Nashville date, April 17th, that is probably going to be moved, like literally today.
It's out of my control.
I said, let's do it.
You know, I said, I'll do a hologram.
I'll do a damn diorama.
And we'll pass that thing around.
You know, we'll mail it to each person's house individually.
Okay.
You know what I'm saying?
Get another postage.
That's all you need.
We'll take it for everybody who bought a ticket.
We got their address.
We'll do postage.
And damn, bam, hit them with it.
They get that diorama with a little audio box next to it.
You press the play, you look in the hole, bam, daddy's there.
But that's not how they want to do it.
You know, they say they want to move the date at the Ryman Auditorium there in Nashville.
And so that looks like it's going to happen.
There will be refunds or whatever's the scenario.
And the point of contact, they will let you know that, the point of place you purchased your ticket.
So I'm sorry about that.
It's not me.
I told him, I said, I'll drive through everybody's yard and yell out a couple riddles.
That's what I told them.
I'll put Ari Manis in the trunk of my car, have him pop out, do two or three minutes at each person's house.
And we out, son.
We're that roving jokester.
But that's not what they want to do.
So those are the tour dates right now.
That's what's going on with that.
Man, I'm so glad I came in here today, and I'm so glad that you're here.
And man, you know what?
I'm just really thankful for this music, right?
When I came in, somebody sent me a text message.
They said James Blake is playing on live.
And I went there and starry, starry night.
Man, if you really, you know, sometimes I need other things to get me into a vibe.
And I'll do music.
I'll watch those videos where, you know, they surprise the military dad surprises his kid at school.
Jesus, man.
That shit had me leaking, bro.
Leaking.
Dude, I was watching him at breakfast one time.
I'd eaten half the milk out of my cereal bowl.
Dude, I cried so much the milk was back up to the top.
It was skim by then, but that shit was up.
That shit was suddenly, my honeycombs was in the deep end again, you know?
Man, I'm just grateful to have a perception that's feeling okay right now, that I'm not in fear.
Because there's a lot of people that want to help each other.
There's a lot of people that want to be there for each other.
And those are the people I think we're going to see the most during this troubled time.
You know, it made me like, it's so funny because when you see somebody in person now, you really want to see them.
You're like, oh, what's up?
What's going on?
You know, they got on my street, they got a mental fella, and this dude is really, I'd say he's 5% mental, 95% physical.
You know, he wear, like, he don't really have a lot of body definition, and he walks a dog, you know, when he's out there, and you can't really talk to him.
He's definitely, he's here physically, but he's not really here, like mentally and emotionally.
You know, he's like the opposite of a hologram, basically.
Like a hologram, you get all the vibe of him, but they had to make the rest of it.
This dude is, you got the rest of it, but the vibe is just is a vortex, you know.
And, but when I saw him yesterday, I pulled up.
I said, what's up?
What's up?
You know, what's up, baby boy?
What's up, boy?
Hit that horn.
And he fucking got a little bit scared, but then he kind of calmed down.
And he kind of looked at me for a while.
And for him, that's really a big step I noticed because he doesn't look at people very much.
He really, he just walks his dog and kind of kind of seems scared.
You know, he's kind of like a boo-radley, like a, like a thicker kind of boo-radley, like kind of a honey boo, boo radley.
But anyway, nice to see his ass.
And I just felt more like, okay, here's a human.
This is a human.
We forget.
And this is all city stuff.
I'm talking from a city perspective.
I live in a city.
In a rural area, man, I think this shit is just pretty chill.
This is just the devil playing hiding.
This is just the devil playing freeze tag with a lot of seniors.
So that's what's up, man.
Yeah.
Have me a little drink right there.
A little hit of something.
But yeah, what else is going on?
I am purchasing a weapon.
I got a gun on the way.
Everybody knows I got that six gauge and I got me a, I think it's like a sharpshooter, Z71 or something.
Double barrel, pretty much.
And I think it's even well, I got one of the ones you load from the front.
So you know somebody going to pay the piper if they come piping.
But anyway, yeah, you got sometimes you, I say do have a weapon.
Do have something to take care of yourself.
It could be anything.
And You don't have to have a gun.
You don't have to have a cannon.
You know, you wheel that bitch out onto the porch and light it.
And you don't set any stockades behind it or bricks up under the back tires.
And that bitch just, the recoil blows right into your damn living room.
You know, send your cousin straight to heaven.
You got to have, you know what I'm saying?
The weapon could be anything.
You do a bow and arrow.
You do a tripwire.
You know, you do that gay wombat where you hang them from the bottom of a tree.
When somebody comes by, glitter them right in the face, bro, and then tickle them until they admit that they might be interested in men, bro, even if there's no drugs.
So you got to recognize that everybody has a different type of weapon that they can get.
But I'm not saying run around with a weapon, but I'm saying it's never a bad idea, I don't think, to have the opportunity to protect yourself.
If you're in an area that needs protection, you know, if you live next to a domino's pizza, you're probably going to be fine.
Because when pizza's around, everybody seems pretty calm.
So, but yeah, it's hard.
It's a tough time to get some things, you know.
You know, it's a tough time to get a, you know, a 12 of eggs if you want it or get you a jar of milk or a pack of booty Kleenex.
But the hardest thing to get a hold of right now is a senior citizen.
For real.
They got them locked up right now.
Okay.
If you want a senior citizen, guess what?
You can barely get one.
I'm serious.
Try and find a senior citizen.
Try and play a game of hide and go senior citizen.
Dude, you're going to end up with nothing.
You want a graham cracker?
Great.
You want a graham mother?
Fat chance, little Randall.
I mean, you got to go to the dark web, really.
You got to go to a dark alley.
You'll see somebody in the distance being like, hey man, you know where I could get a...
Right, you kid, right?
Not a me-maw, a me-me, a Grampy, a pop-pop.
Your search for an abuelito must stop.
It's true.
You want a recipe?
You want an old story?
Huh?
You want a black and white picture of somebody dressed up like they're in the military from a long time ago?
Fat chance.
You want a ceramic frog that's part of a larger collection?
Well, how you going to get it?
You want somebody to pull a fake quarter from behind your ear?
Not right now, Bucko.
You can't find a senior citizen right now.
You can't find one.
You want a musty smell during a hug?
Huh?
You want a replica teacup from the Titanic?
Autographed by Abraham Lincoln's cousin, bruh?
Fat Shance.
I'm just saying, the hardest thing to come across right now is that SC, baby.
That Senior Citizen, bruh.
Come on, man.
Come on.
You go, hey, man, who you got in there?
We ain't got nobody's here, man.
No, we ain't got no Ethels, man.
We ain't got no Mr. Harolds.
We ain't got no Hank Sr.
We ain't with, nah, man.
We don't have, oh, no, we don't have a Gertrude in here.
You got the wrong place, buddy.
Get to stepping.
But I saw a walker parked in the front yard.
That's nothing, man.
That's nothing.
Times have changed, buddy.
You want to hear a fable?
You want to hear somebody talk about Audrey Hepburn?
Not today.
Not today, son.
You want to see an adult that only eats real soft food out of a blender?
Not today, bucko.
You want to see somebody that makes a lot of noise when they put their pants on, bruh?
You want to see somebody that could take a nap, dude, for no reason at all?
Not today, buddy.
You want an eight ball?
That's easy.
You want an 88-year-old male?
I don't think so, son.
Keep it moving.
It's just a tough, it's a tough, it's a tough time to get a senior.
That's what I'm saying, man.
And we got to keep them safe, man.
And it's kind of nice, isn't it?
It's kind of nice that seniors suddenly are the gold.
They're the gold, man.
They're the diamond.
You got to protect them.
Doesn't it feel good to want to protect your family?
Doesn't it feel good to check in with your grandparent, let them know, hey, I got you.
You know, I still don't, I can't come visit you now.
At least a lot of people, I can't come visit you now because, well, you know, it's an excuse at least.
I haven't visited you for four years, but I still can't come.
But I love you.
And that's all they want a lot of times, seniors.
They want a call from you.
I got to let you know today's episode and support for this past weekend comes from Manscaped.
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Look, I've taken care of my balls and I've taken care of my nuts and wiener throughout my life.
And the area around my thighs, bruh.
I like them bitches.
I put a little polish on them and stuff at night, a little soft polish, bruh.
You know what I'm saying?
A little something I put out on the couch, a little widemans, wiedemans.
I put two dabs of that and some tan polish on them sometimes.
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We had some beautiful calls that came in.
Let's get into a few of them.
We had that intro sent in by Tiny Sandwho.
I'm hot off of those James Blake riffs.
If you need something to open up your heart in this time, man, those James Blake riffs really do do it for me.
And it's just, it's like somebody, I can't even explain it, man.
You know, some people are instruments on the earth that God uses or whatever higher power you believe in uses.
And that man has one of those instruments within him.
Let's take some calls.
Here we go.
Yo, Theo, this is Gavin.
Just wanted to call and tell you happy birthday, man.
Oh, thank you, Jasmine.
I appreciate that, man.
Yeah, I'm getting to be an adult, brother.
I'm getting to be an adult, and that's sweet of you to make that message, man.
And yeah, dude, Jasmine, that's a beautiful name.
That's a unique name.
That's a name of a rice as well.
Jasmine Rice, or a mixed girl even.
So that's, you know, a couple beautiful creations right there onward.
It's a big day.
And I also had a question for you, man.
So with this coronavirus going around, we're all quarantined, man.
So how are you keeping, how are you staying fit?
Did your personal trainer give you any workouts to keep that booty thick?
Damn.
Is there some secrets you're holding from us?
Trying to find out, man.
I don't want to get small.
Help me out.
Oh man, I'm doing it.
And they got a little training speakeasy going on.
They got the windows boarded up, but you slip in through the side, and next thing you know, you kettlebelling.
Next thing you know, you drinking some, you know, they got a water machine, and you getting water and struggling in between the water times you're allowed to drink.
And it's beautiful, man.
So I'm doing that.
I'm taking this week off, I believe, to focus on yoga and rolling out my body.
You know, I really want to take advantage of my physical body while I still can, while I still have this vessel.
You know, I want to be able to do everything I can physically still.
So I'm trying to stay active and fit.
I've been running two and a quarter miles.
Two and a quarter stars.
I've been running two and a quarter miles and getting that big two quarter in and focusing on some yoga and rolling my body out.
I'm that tight white, bro.
My body gets real conjoined during the center.
You know, I'm built like a damn gingerbread man.
So I'm sweet, but I'm, you know, it's hard to get the arms and leg.
You can't do a lot of stuff.
You know what I'm saying?
I've always had limited reach, limited lookability in my neck.
If I hear something behind me, I don't even give a fuck anymore.
That's where I'm at with my dexterity.
So I used to be that owl.
You know, I'd spin.
I'd fucking spin around.
They used to call me Tony Hawk of the damn upper vertebraes.
I'd do a 760 on the damn, just being curious with something behind me.
But that's changed, man.
So I'm staying a little bit busy with training, man.
I appreciate you asking, though, and I appreciate you thinking about me and asking about my birthday, man.
I'm happy to be alive.
And I'm happy that I was born.
You know, I'm happy that my mother had me, and I'm happy that my father had me.
You know, I have a lot of gifts in my life.
I'm happy that I can feed myself today.
I'm happy that, you know, that I have a roof over my head.
You know, I'm, and I, and I know I'm just saying things that are pretty normal, but I'm trying to really get these things in my life where they fit, where I feel them inside of myself.
So I'm trying to work on them every day right now and really have some gratitude.
And I'm happy that I'm able to love people and I'm able to feel love.
You know, it's real hard for me sometimes to do that.
Man, I don't know why I'm so nervous today.
It could have been that coffee.
But what a gift, man.
What a little, you know, some little gifts.
I'm happy that I have brothers and sisters that I know that love me, you know, and just that I have the ability to care about people.
What a crazy gift that is inside of us.
Like, what if we just saw people?
And, you know, animals are beautiful, but I don't know if they can love each other.
I saw two fucking ravens beating the shit out of each other earlier by a band and pumpkin patch over there off the 170.
So I'm just saying that we got some beautiful gifts.
Let's take some more calls, man.
Gang.
What up, Theo, Nick?
And just wanted to say, you know, thank you.
What's up, Nick?
Thank you for calling, man.
I appreciate that.
And that's a unique name to have, Nick.
You know, we got our producer, Premature Nick, and he's really doing well for somebody that, I mean, he's always been a little skittish.
He came out there, you know, that dude came out the womb early as hell.
And he had on that damn cumber bun when he showed up.
That dude was ready to rock.
You know, he got into the world early.
So he's always, you know, he's the first to draw that pistol, man.
And it's just people playing Simon Said.
So it's, you know, he has some risky hand, you know, some brain hand movements, but he's one of a kind.
And anyway, onward.
Thanks for being you, man, and being positive.
I'm trying, man.
I'm trying, bro.
We're all trying, man.
But it's the only thing that's going to help us.
It's the only thing that's good.
You know, it's the only thing that's good.
Thank you for calling.
What else?
Being funny.
You know, I'm the funny guy here in my town where I live and among my family and friends and everything.
Oh, well, then you could have had my job, man.
Because you just got to be that and then you got to go take it out of town.
That's all it is, man.
So we probably are very similar.
Let's hear more.
And I know the heavy burden.
And, you know, there's a lot going on out there in the world today.
And it's scary.
And I've got two kids.
One with asthma.
And I worry about it.
This name's Rogan.
I named him after Joe, believe it or not.
Well, man, thanks.
I can listen to you and block it all out.
Gang, bruh.
Well, thank you, man.
That's sweet of you to say that to me, man.
You know, and I'm just part of this group.
But yeah, I could imagine if you have a son, you know, and you have a child who's dependent upon you and there's something in the air that, you know, you can't control.
You know, the feeling of that, kind of the helplessness of it, I bet is really, really tough to have on your chest and have on your heart a lot of times.
So thank you for sharing that with us, man.
know it really puts it in perspective for me a little bit oh hey Yeah, it's such a crazy thing just to think we breathe something in or we take it in, you know.
You know, and here you created this, you know, young creature, this beautiful little fella, this little Rogan, and you got him running around.
And he got that asthma, bro.
He's got them damp lungs.
That's what it is.
And we know it.
You know, you Google it right now.
You see a picture of a lung with a little bit of, you know, the condenser isn't working on it.
But, but, but it sounds like, you know, if you have a sense of humor, man, I bet that's something nice for him to have around.
Because even a wet lung can damn laugh, you know.
We used to have a buddy growing up and he would leak out of the sides of his mouth, this boy Summerall.
And Jesus, man, he, what the hell was going on with him?
But, um, but uh, he had like kind of, I guess, asthma in his tongue or something.
You know, he had that.
Or he was just like a damn, uh, he was more like a damn, what's that?
Let me Google this dog that dog that slobbers a lot.
He had that damn.
The internet is slow, huh?
Now that's something.
They got about at least Corvid 6 in this damn internet.
Yeah, I don't know.
This dude, you know, he was like one of them show dogs and mountain dogs.
Them water faces, man.
Like a water marana.
You know what I'm saying?
Just dripping out the front.
Like somebody left the faucet on, man.
This boy Sumraw.
And he's alive and doing well, man, is what I'm trying to say.
And so I'm sure just having you having a sense of humor, it brings a lot of light into your son's life, man.
And him having that light and energy in him, that's going to keep him so much healthier than anything else I Bet you could ever imagine.
You know, I know there's people for myself, man, even just listening to the music today from that artist, man.
Before I started this podcast today, I was more nervous.
I don't know what I'm nervous about.
Just anxiety.
There's stuff in the air.
I don't know.
But man, I heard that music and it just changed my heart.
It changed my brain.
And it just, so, you know, those are the instruments that I think God uses, man, you know, or higher power Buddha, whatever kind of God you're running on, you know.
God Almighty, whatever, Jim Carrey, whatever, whoever, you know, whoever's torquing your engine.
But, but yeah, man, I bet having a dad like you is definitely helping keeping the water out of his lungs, man.
So you guys stay dry over there and just keep it classy, man.
Everything's going to be fine.
And thanks for sharing some sentiment with us, man.
That goes a long way.
You know, just reminding it, it just puts me in a place where, you know, when I'm reminded of humanity or something that makes me feel, it's almost like my feelings, my body just gets set onto a thing, like a bed or something.
I just feel calm.
So thank you, brother.
Let's get a call right here that came in.
985-664-9503 is the hotline.
And I'd love to know for next week, what are things that are affecting you guys with the virus?
Like, what are your thoughts?
You know, what are your fears?
Are you scared?
Are you doing okay?
You know, what are the thoughts of people in America?
What are you thinking?
What are you, you know, I know the news gives us a lot of information and too much information sometimes.
And sometimes very, you know, information that's not really for us.
You know, it has a different purpose, fear tactical.
But I know there's a lot of factual stuff out there as well.
And I know it is a time where we have to take care of ourselves.
And what's going on with you?
Let me know, man.
Leave a voicemail and we're going to get into that next week.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, big fan of you.
Big fan of the podcast.
You know, with everything going on in the world right now, especially in the country with coronavirus, I thought maybe, you know, to lighten the mood, I would write a little song, you know, Plain White Tees, Hey Dare Velila, the song.
I wrote a parody to that, so I changed the lyrics and made it my own.
It's called Hay There Corona.
I'm going to sing it for you, Acapella.
Okay, so, okay, we got a little canary right here, this fella, and he said he's going to do it for us.
He's going to do a song for us.
So thank you, buddy.
Thank you, buddy, buddy.
And you got this song.
You got that hitter stuck in your throat.
He's about to serve it.
From Hey There, Delilah to Hey There, Corona.
Let's hear that hit.
I don't have the greatest voice, but I did drink honey tea recently, and I've had a couple of ugly potato chips to soften the oldie sausage ice.
Okay.
So he had a couple honey teas and he had a sausage.
So, yeah, sausage, that grease sometime will, that'll sweeten your pipe, bro.
You know what I'm saying?
That'll fucking, you'll have just a C-flat just fly out of your throat on accident.
You know, you'll be talking to somebody and just, hmm, let's hear it, gang.
Here we go.
Hey there, Corona.
I heard it's bad in New York City.
First you got Tom Hank Sarita.
Don't you dare go for P. Diddy?
That'd be cruel.
Now the kid's got two weeks off of school.
Two weeks this year.
They gave him two years now, I think.
Dude, they got one kid.
I saw an eight-year-old.
He said he's never fucking going to school.
He told me.
He told me to go fuck myself.
And he misspelled fuck.
He wrote it down.
So he really needs the education is the saddest part.
Homeward.
That ain't cool.
Hey there, Corona.
You ain't nothing but a virus.
Your name makes me want a cold one.
But we don't want you inside us, not at all.
And now we can't go through them all until next fall.
Oh, you've got us quarantined, though.
You've got us quarantined.
Oh, you've got us quarantined, though.
You've got us quarantined.
A couple weeks seems pretty bad to be cooped up with mom and dad.
We're running out of TP as we speak.
Corona, I can promise you this wasn't like the Spanish flu, but my social life will never be the same.
That's true.
People shutting their crotches down around this time of year.
You can't even get somebody to show you their body.
Omward.
And you're to blame.
Hey there, Corona.
Once we finally get past this, we can go back to our lives and we can start to wipe our asses like we do.
Oh, this has been because of you.
But I know we're gonna make it through.
Hey there, Corona, here's to you.
This one for you.
Oh, you've got us quarantined.
You've got us quarantined.
Oh, you've got us quarantined.
You've got us quarantined.
Fucking got us quarantined.
Stay safe out there.
Gang, man, thank you, brother.
Look at you just serving that thing, bro.
That dirty canary just landed on your leg with a broken wing.
And you tickle him and he spits up that hit, bruh.
That's beautiful.
Praise God, Daddy.
There you go.
Hey there, Corona.
And hey there, Delilah.
I think, what is that, Beck originally?
I think that might be a Beck hit, if you listen to music or not.
All right, let's take one more call right here.
And we got a lot of great ones coming up over the next couple of episodes.
And we got Big Baby Glenn Davis coming in here.
And I'm real curious to see what's going on with that gentleman.
And he's from, he went to play basketball down there in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
And he's a big man.
And I've always been a regular man.
So just to, you know, to have the, you know, like if him, he looks at a ski, he looks at skiing and he thinks, oh, I could probably, I could let people do that on my back if I wanted.
But me, I don't look at it like that.
I look at it as something that's hard to do.
Okay, let's take another call that came in right here.
Onward.
Hi, Theo and Nick.
This is Aunt Vic and Grandma calling from Central Illinois.
We didn't know if you had run out of soap and fragrance.
Oh, yeah.
And if you did, we might need to send you some more.
Thanks, Bye.
What's up, Aunt Vicki and Grandma out of Central Illinois, huh?
Yeah, you guys sent us a lot of beautiful hair lotion and different body potion underarm scents.
Thank you very much.
I'm still using a lot of the lotion.
I'm still using the hair polish.
I'm still using what else?
A lot of that sandalwood scented body sauce or something.
You know?
Fuma.
What is it called?
Fumire?
Fumer?
Cologne.
So thank you so much for that.
No, I still got about another probably 240 ounces of cologne to go through.
So, I mean, my neighbors are pissed, dude.
I fucking sprayed the whole carpet with it.
So I'm good right now on that.
No, but that's sweet of you.
That's sweet of you to think of me.
You know, that's sweet of you just to think of anything.
You know, and to call in and think about me right now and how I'm smelling and how my body, my skin is doing.
You know, that's thoughtful of you.
So thank you.
You know, I have some of the stuff I have too much of it even.
So maybe I'll give some to the king and the sting guys and girls over there.
But no, that's so sweet of you.
I don't know if I even got to call you and thank you for that.
I know we talked about it on the anthrax challenge.
But actually, we're going to do another anthrax challenge.
I got some birthday gifts that have come in here from different people and thank you so much.
And I just think it's a good time.
This is just a nice thought.
Like, who can I call now and think, okay, who can I help?
What can I do for somebody?
How can I be of assistance?
You know, what can I do?
What do I have that somebody else might need?
You know, maybe I got an extra $100.
What is it doing for me?
You know, if I know somebody's losing their job.
It's kind of funny because suddenly like money is, you know, and look, I'm fortunate enough I have enough money to get me through the month, you know?
But it's funny, like, suddenly it's like having stuff seems greedy, more so than ever a little bit, if you know that other people aren't going to have stuff.
So yeah, what a time for us to really get inside of ourselves and call others, you know, call a young fella, you know, or a young woman and say, hey, how can I, you know, let me mail you a thing of soap.
Let me, you know, let me send you a thing of apple cider.
You know what I'm saying?
Let me email you a, you know, or let me, you know, let me overnight you a couple grams of tiller milk or cheddar or something.
Let me do something.
Let me fucking cut you off a little half a handful of summer sausage over there.
And fill your palm up.
You know, grease your palm with actual greased meat.
Let me do something for you.
Let me give, you know, let me give you, let me, let me give you a bag full of, you know, lime slices.
Do something for somebody.
Here's a cut of lime, bruh.
You know, let me brush your teeth for you.
Come over here.
Let me brush your teeth for you.
You relax.
You know, it's that time of year where it's that time of life.
You know, it's interesting.
It's interesting that we're in this time right now and this is an opportunity for us to think about, yeah, how can I help this person?
What can I do?
Something little.
And it's not like, hey, here, I'm giving you something.
It's just, hey, how are you doing?
What's going on?
You know, and also to be brave enough for us to let other people know if we are struggling and if we're scared.
You know, that's hard for me to do a lot of times.
I have a tough time when it comes to the communication of if I'm scared.
You know, or like just yesterday, I was wondering, like, man, I wonder what my mom's feeling.
Like, has she been scared?
Would she tell me if she was?
You know, because seniors, man, that's the hidden.
That's the real.
We got to hide them, bro.
Put your granddaddy in a safe, dude.
You know what I'm saying?
You know what I'm saying?
Set Mima on a mousetrap.
Somebody goes to get her, bam.
They done.
You know, it's time we got to lock them up.
You know, hide your grandma, hide your grandpa.
Because COVID-19, they out here and they, you know, they geeking out.
They getting people.
That thing will show up like little Daniel, bro.
I'm fucking break out all the windows in your lungs, dude.
And say he didn't do it.
You did it.
You know you did it.
I got to go to an AA meeting, man.
Honestly, that's where I'm going.
So I love you guys.
Thank you for having me in your life today.
Thank you for being in my life today.
Try and keep your heads up.
I know maybe I'm, you know, it's easy for me to talk sometimes.
I know that I can, you know, I have a, you know, my rent is paid for the month and, you know, and I have money to go to the grocery store this week.
So I know maybe I sound, you know, I might sound like I'm coming from a perspective that other people aren't coming from.
I don't know.
I don't know everybody's life.
But I just, I hope that everyone just stays positive as they can.
You know what I'm saying?
We got this shit, bruh.
We got this, dude.
COVID-19, they're going to better come back with the remix, dude.
I ain't going down to that.
Corvid 30, Corvid 60, none of it's getting me.
COVID-7000, maybe.
Maybe I'll start to struggle.
I'll pull a nade off of my chest and throw that bastard.
You know, I'll break out that freaking six gauge, that seven gauge, bruh.
You know, I'll do the bow and arrows.
Pot ow, son, Cupid, dude.
You in love, dude.
And now you're done.
Now you're done, son.
So stay alive, baby.
Be good to yourselves.
You deserve it.
Let's move out here with a little bit of North Mississippi All-Stars.
And they got this hit for us right here.
And this thing is called Drunk Outdoors.
And they're supporters.
And they've been awesome.
And they're a beautiful group.
They've been playing for so long.
If you want to check out some other good music that'll put you in a good vibe, we'll put a link to them below in the YouTubes.
and that is off their up and rolling album, The North Mississippi All-Stars.
Let me holler at you, come on, step outside.
We got $10,000, Charlotte, we go right.
Let me holler at you, step outside.
Go get your drunk outdoors.
Go get your drunk outdoors.
And they made a special one just for us.
I'll play it next week.
I'll play it next week.
You can get a little bit.
If you got money, get that hit up.
You can get a little bit.
Get that hit up!
If you feeling lonely, man, love somebody.
The way out of ourselves is through somebody else, man.
I believe that, you know.
and i don't always do it but i do believe that it's there's truth in that
Get that hit out.
Thank you guys, man.
Be good to yourselves, man.
You guys deserve it.
We all deserve it.
And let's stay in the light, baby.
We got this.
gang.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Swiya.
Easy to you.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John Maine.
I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh, no!
Wow.
I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
