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March 19, 2020 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

01:46:13

Bert Kreischer 2 | This Past Weekend #268

Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_ Watch Bert Kreischer’s new Netflix special “Hey Big Boy”, available now. https://instagram.com/bertkreischer ----------------------------------------------------------- This episode brought to you by… MyBookie https://MyBookie.ag and use code THEO to double your first deposit Greyblock https://GreyBlockPizza.com ----------------------------------------------------------- Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw ----------------------------------------------------------- Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis ----------------------------------------------------------- Music “Shine” - Bishop Gunn http://bit.ly/Shine_BishopGunn ----------------------------------------------------------- Gunt Squad www.patreon.com/theovon Name Aaron Rasche Alex Bmayer Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Amy Love Andrew Valish Anthony Holcombe April Schultze Ashley Konicki Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Streit Brandon Woolsey Brian meek Chad Kleier Christopher Becking Christopher Burton Cody Anderson Cody Kenyon Crystal David Christopher Dentist the menace Dionne Enoch Dusty Baker Eric Tobey Gillian Neale Ginger Levesque Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter James Schneider Jameson Flood Jayme Sta Jeremy Weiner Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joey Piemonte Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan Josh Nemeyer Joy Hammonds Julie Ogden Justin Doerr Kevtron Kyle Baker Kyle McGreevy Lacey Ann Lawrence Abinosa Lea Rashka Leighton Fields LJ Logan Yakemchuk Madeline Matthews Matt Nichols Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Miles Sadler Mona McCune myinitialsareOKbutimnot Nicholas Leach Nick Roma Noah Bissell Passenger Shaming Qie Jenkins Raye Vella Roxy Deputy Ruben Prado Ryan Hawkins Sagar Jha Scott Turnbull Shane Pacheco Shona MacArthur Stephen Trottier Suzanne O'Reilly Tanner Marvel Taryn Feingold Theo Wren Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Tito Liebowitz Tom Cook Tom Kostya Tugzy Mills Vanessa Amaya Vince Gonsalves William Reid Peters Yvonne Zeke Harris See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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	Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
	Gray Block Pizza is a specialty pizza shop, and it's a shop where you can get that pie, boy.
	So what I'm saying to you is go get it.
	If you think you can get some, then you can.
	Gray Block Pizza, 1811 Pico Boulevard on the way to the beach in Los Angeles.
	Gray Block, get that hitter.
	Today's guest is the host of the Burt Cast and has a new comedy special on Netflix, which you should check out right now called Hey Big Boy.
	It's the big boy himself, Mr. Bert Kreischer.
	How about like Ron Artest got it?
	Did he really?
	I've seen him swimming before.
	I've seen the way he swims.
	I'm not surprised.
	He strokes his way into something.
	He swims well, but not like I would swim.
	You'd think those basketball players would be Olympic swimmers.
	Yeah, well, you could really, first of all, getting in the pool, you're a third of the way there.
	Dude, I had a joke.
	Tell me when you're rolling.
	We are.
	Okay, perfect.
	I had a joke in my last special secret time.
	Not this special, hey, big boy, which is streaming right now.
	Streaming right now.
	Right now.
	Yeah.
	In my last special, this is a true story.
	Ralph Sampson.
	Do you remember Ralph Sampson?
	Ralph Sampson, basketball player, died of cocaine?
	No, that's.
	That's Lynn Bias.
	Lynn Bias.
	Awesome.
	Close.
	Oh, R.I.P.
	Man.
	He died, bro.
	Houston, Twitch, yep.
	Ralph Sampson.
	This is a true story.
	By the way, it's the end of my Nephilic specials, so no one watched it.
	But he gave a speech to us when we were at Villanova for basketball camp.
	And the two takeaways was, number one, he works hard.
	Number two, he can't swim.
	He never learned how to swim.
	Workhard can't swim.
	It's his new special.
	Yeah, Workhard can't swim.
	He said the whole time his sisters learned how to swim, he just practiced dribbling to basketball.
	Never learned how to swim.
	And my whole thing, I'm sitting and listening to this speech, and I go, who the fuck needs to learn how to swim?
	You're seven feet tall.
	Anyone in the pool, you're still halfway out of the water.
	But by the way, they would make, these basketball players would make such great swimmers.
	Manuk Boll, that fucking stroke, he'd be scraping his knuckles on the bottom of the pool.
	He could grab onto the pool and just drag himself across.
	Oh, he's built like Slender Man, dude.
	Have you ever seen Slenderman?
	I have seen Slender Man.
	Manuk Bowl is very much built like Slender Man.
	I'll turn my fucking phone off.
	I love turning my phone off these days.
	Oh, it's so nice.
	I was just in Maui, man.
	My phone was off a lot.
	You were Maui?
	Yeah.
	I love Maui.
	Dude, how nice is it?
	By the way, all that's happening is Siri is going, you love Maui?
	Yeah.
	Dude, the phones won't even go off.
	If you set your phone and say, hey, Siri, turn my phone off.
	I don't know how to turn an iPhone off.
	Yeah.
	I've never turned it off.
	You just hold this button, right?
	You have to hold both buttons of the top button.
	Oh, for real.
	That screen grab button too, the whole time.
	You have to hold it for like three seconds.
	Oh, there you go.
	I've never turned my phone off.
	Says a lot about my personality.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	All this chronic shit virus going on and my phone was like, you've actually spent 60% less time on your phone.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah.
	That's pretty cool.
	It's because of the special, and I did, and like all press was taken away.
	Oh, yeah.
	Zero press.
	But now, were you excited because people are at home?
	They need something to watch.
	I wouldn't say excited because it's true, but like my parents and all my parents' friends are at home, but they're not home in a fun way.
	Like they're in a home in a scared way.
	And so for me, I would much rather have done the, done the press I had set up, done the promotion I had set up, all the marketing I had set up.
	Dude, I had such a fucking great plan.
	I was going to do the Call and Stick to Work Show.
	I texted you about that, right?
	Calling Sick to Work Show yesterday.
	St. Patty's Day.
	Doors open at 10. Show starts at 11. Me, Bill Bird, Jim Jeffries, Smash Man Escalco, you, Dalia, Tom Segura.
	The list goes on.
	Joe Coi, everyone, right?
	Didn't release the names on the tickets.
	Just send it out to my fans on my phone number, 323-208-0844.
	Send it out to them, said, get tickets, sold out immediately.
	Do a live podcast in the OR.
	Tiger Belly, oh my God, who wouldn't see that live?
	Me and Bill Burt, live in the OR.
	We had all this shit planned, and then they called it.
	Huge.
	They called it.
	And by the way, now this is the inside baseball part.
	This is where my brain works.
	David Spade, Norm McDonald, coming by, stop by for the call and stick to work show.
	David was touch and go.
	But my plan was, this is the way my brain works.
	You throw in this call and stick to work show.
	You split all the money with the comics.
	You don't need the money, right?
	Tip all the money out to all the comics.
	And then all you ask for all your friends is, yo, give me a shout out on your social media.
	And then you get in front of like 70 million people on Instagram, fucking 20 million people, 100 million people on Twitter that are going, hey, check out my boy Burt Chryser.
	He's got a special streaming.
	That's my marketing.
	Coronavirus, I did not fucking took you.
	Do you feel like slighted?
	Do you feel taken advantage of?
	I'm cool.
	Do you feel like coronavirus is...
	Yeah.
	Here's what they just came out today and they said, like, blood type O doesn't get it.
	Like, you just, you don't, you may get it.
	You may be a carrier, but you don't feel it.
	That's, by the way, news is always changing.
	I'm not a fucking doctor.
	Right.
	But, um, but yeah, I mean.
	Who said it?
	Dr. Gupta?
	That guy always trips me out, bro.
	I want to see the horse side of Sanjay Gupta.
	Because you know he was one of the five doctors going, hey man, can you get me on your TV show?
	Can you get me on your TV show?
	But he always seems cool and collected.
	Like, you know.
	He's such a thot, bro.
	He's such a fucking...
	He was hip Indian way before hip Indians.
	Yeah.
	Dude, Sanjay Gupta is probably the first famous Indian guy.
	Bro, how easy is it to be a hip Indian, though?
	It seems like the easiest thing to do.
	No, it's got to be hard because your parents don't want you to be hip Indian.
	Oh, no, there you go.
	Okay.
	So like Russell Peters, hip Indian.
	Yeah.
	M-I-A, hip Indian.
	This guy named Shunk that I know.
	This guy that used to go to UCLA.
	Dude, his hip, bro.
	There's like four pairs of sunglasses, man.
	He's fucking hip.
	Pulls out his wiener, sunglasses on it.
	it's the thing about Indians you don't know, stereotype that they don't get out there, big dicks.
	No, really big dicks.
	Russell Peters told me.
	Well, I guess that's probably like a kangaroo.
	Yeah, dude.
	I don't know if you know this, but they got big dicks.
	You're like, shut up.
	Are you serious?
	Bro, everybody's starting to get on this big dick train up here.
	You know, big dicks used to be, that was a way to oppress minorities is to say they did it with the Jews first.
	I don't know if this is 100% true.
	Yeah, don't worry, dude.
	This whole podcast is going that direction already.
	So I think we're safe.
	The Egyptians said it about the Jews.
	They have big dicks.
	I don't know if you've seen Ari Shafir's dick.
	It's fucking massive.
	Uh-uh.
	He's got a big fucking dick.
	Really?
	A really big dick.
	But also, he looks like he would have a dick that doesn't look right.
	It doesn't.
	Yeah.
	It doesn't, and his balls look weird and his beads.
	Yeah, dude.
	So, yeah, if I'm in...
	You think his dick's longer?
	It looks like it's trying to get off of his body because that's two totally different things.
	He's got dick that goes right off the body.
	Like, his dick is right off the body.
	My dick's got body around it, like, pushing it back.
	Yeah.
	So, like.
	Oh, okay.
	Wow, that's interesting.
	Yeah, like.
	So your dick's almost being held back by the sides of it.
	It's got pubis going, like, crowding it, like, like it's his boys going like, oh, yeah.
	Come on, man, get him, get him.
	And hair and everything.
	Like, come on, man, get back in here.
	No, no, no, no.
	My body looks like it's stopping my dick from a fucking.
	No, no, no.
	Hold him back, man.
	Hold it back, bro.
	Oh, why the fuck?
	Where was that fucking joke?
	God damn it.
	And here I did something.
	That's good, man.
	You could use it next time, man.
	I'm using it.
	Dude, my dick definitely has a little.
	Oh, you have a big dick.
	I've already heard.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Who told you that?
	You know who.
	Not a man.
	I know.
	Our mutual friends.
	Who, dude?
	Tom and Bill?
	No, no.
	Oh, my God.
	Look at Ari's dick right there.
	That is.
	And by the way, that's not fluffing.
	Like, that's unprepared.
	That's just straight street dick.
	He has such a Holocaust body, doesn't he?
	His dad was in the jacked Holocaust.
	His dad was in the Holocaust.
	Was he really?
	Oh, man.
	I'm sorry then.
	Just for vacation, though.
	Oh, I can see that, dude.
	After Ari drugged me, I said, I don't blame Ari.
	I blame Hitler.
	For the drugging?
	Yeah, because Hitler did that shit to his dad.
	And, you know, his dad probably wasn't the greatest dad.
	And then he turned into Ari.
	Right.
	So ultimately, it all falls on Hitler's shoulders.
	It all goes back, man.
	That's the thing.
	You have to stop the cycle.
	Yeah.
	You know, you got to stop the cycle of hate.
	You got to stop the cycle of trouble.
	It's always a cycle.
	You know, someone always learned it from somebody else.
	Oh.
	Learned the dirty behaviors.
	The M-word.
	First time I ever heard the M-word, I was in first grade, and these black kids came into our neighborhood.
	We live in a poor white neighborhood, and there was a poor black neighborhood across Nebraska.
	Not Nebraska.
	I forget.
	Well, dude, that's pretty far then.
	No, no, no, no.
	That was the street name.
	Oh, right on, bro.
	Yeah.
	And so.
	This dude did not live by black people.
	He said they fucking lived a state away.
	I'm like, wow.
	They were in Nebraska and we were in Florida.
	And it was scary, man.
	I got to be honest with you.
	It was touch and go at times.
	Yes, it was definitely.
	I mean, we heard stories.
	Yeah, the rumor mill.
	I saw a note in a bottle one time in the river.
	It was crazy.
	Watch out for the blacks.
	They're coming.
	And they jump over your shoulder real quick.
	That's crazy, man.
	Oh, the N-word?
	So you just said it?
	So these black kids lived across this main street from us, and then they came into our neighborhood, I guess, and stole my football.
	My football had a Duke Jr. with a shoelace, a tan shoelace as the string because we used to play in the street.
	And so the string for the shoelace ripped.
	My dad replaced it with a tan shoelace.
	It was very distinguishable.
	And a little part.
	We couldn't tie it.
	So there was a little part of the shaking out.
	It was shaken out.
	So they came into our neighborhood and they asked if they wanted to play some football.
	And they had my football.
	And these two brothers, Daryl and Darren, like, yo, they must, I mean, when I remember this story, I feel like they were 18, 17. They were probably just like 10 and 11. Yeah.
	And I was six.
	Yeah.
	And they were like, yo, this is football.
	And they were like, no, this is his football.
	This little other little black kid.
	And they're like, fight him for it.
	And I was like, I'm first grade.
	I was not fighting anyone.
	I was wearing a loincloth and knee-high moccasins.
	Oh, yeah.
	And so, um.
	Danny's fighting your sexuality, bro.
	My dad's like, get him some knee pads.
	He's going to be sucking dick.
	So, uh, so, so.
	He's going to need knee pads to do it.
	What a pussy.
	That's a crazy part, man.
	What about the good old days, man?
	When you would suck sick.
	You skip your knees and you sucking dick.
	Be a man about it.
	Yeah, bro.
	Support the union.
	You freak.
	What kind of gay guy puts on knee pads?
	Yeah.
	You fucking dick like a man, man.
	A backup gay dude.
	Do you mind if I pull my socks up?
	Oh.
	Oh.
	Dude, that's hilarious.
	You mind if I'm not.
	Oh, my God.
	Both of his locks up.
	I don't want to skin my knees when I suck your dick.
	Go ahead, buddy.
	Whatever you got to do.
	Whatever you got to do, man.
	Do you mind if I pull my pants down for some cushioning on my knees?
	Oh, fuck.
	Mind if I take my shirt off and just tie it around both of my knees.
	Hey, is it cool if I take my shoes off and put my knees in my insula?
	Like, damn, dude.
	I don't even think you shouldn't even be gay, little guy.
	Anyone who does that, you're like, this is your first time sucking dick.
	I gotta do this a lot.
	Just sitting on your fit and kneeling on your fingers.
	Bro, actually, if you had to blow something, dude, that's not a bad.
	Like, I would go through all of those things before you got to have some ways to get out of it.
	I've gotten down on my wife on the side of the bed with my knees on the wood floors.
	I'm like, grab a pillow, put them under your knees.
	But Anyway, so these black kids come in the neighborhood and they're like, fight this kid.
	And I was like, I've never been in a fist fight.
	I don't want to be in a fist fight.
	And then Daryl and Darren looked at me like, are we going to have to do this for you?
	And in my head, I was like, give him the fucking ball.
	I don't care.
	My dad already bought me a new one.
	And then they got into a fight.
	They get into a fight.
	Daryl fights one of the dudes or Darren.
	One of the, one of the younger one fights a black dude.
	And it's like five black kids and then seven white kids or eight white kids or more white kids because our neighborhood.
	And the dad comes out and the dad starts chanting, fight, fight.
	And we're in a white.
	White don't win.
	We all jump in.
	And I am, and I, and then he's hitting me.
	It's your ball, motherfucker.
	Chant it, chant it.
	And here I am, just some first grader in a loincloth and knee-high moccasins, just fight, fight.
	And then I said, then I said the word in front of my dad and it was fucking over.
	Really?
	Oh, it's dirty.
	Your dad fought him?
	No, no, no.
	My dad took me down to their fucking house, walked me down, stood in the fucking thing.
	I said, don't ever talk to my son.
	Don't ever.
	I told my dad if it didn't happen.
	They stole my ball.
	This is what he asked me to say.
	Don't ever talk to my son.
	And we moved out of that neighborhood month later.
	Month later, we were out of that fucking neighborhood.
	Because people were using the N-word?
	Oh, that was the least of it.
	We let it get on fire.
	We lit this kid on fire, John.
	And he had a thing, a tub of like a margarine bowl of gasoline.
	And there was this abandoned house that these people left.
	There always is, why do people leave in an abandoned house by children?
	Dude, they were the funnest.
	Especially, did you ever break into an abandoned house when you were a kid?
	Dude, there was an Asian couple that my friend's parents were watching their house.
	They had like a dog or a cat or whatever.
	He was like, you want to go in and see their house?
	And man, this has got to be 1979, 78. Like no one knew, no one, I mean, not no one, but I'm saying like no one at Florida knew Asians then.
	Yeah.
	And we went in, remember things were like, things were like turquoise, walls were like turquoise blue with big Buddha statues and like everything was just different.
	It smelled different.
	Swords.
	I remember like a samurai in the corner and you just like big feathers coming out of vases.
	Yeah.
	And you were like, whoa.
	People were talking to you from behind fans.
	Yeah.
	They had a dog.
	They had a dog, right?
	So then, so then this kid one day goes, same house.
	He goes, yo, oh, hey, want to go swim?
	I was at a pool.
	And I was like, yeah, yeah.
	We're in first grade.
	My mom had a station.
	I guess she drops him off first, drops me off, and he goes, meet me back at my house with your swim suit.
	I'll go back.
	I'll get us in our backyard.
	They had a Doberman Pincher.
	Oh, yeah.
	They don't have that many of those anymore.
	No one's got a Doberman Pincher.
	You know what it is?
	I talked about my special, but it's Purebreds.
	Purebreds are, they're all fucking dying out.
	Oh, yeah.
	They got like a Doberdoodle or something like that.
	They had to mix them because the Purebreds were getting all these fucking problems in their body because they were breeding, like overbreeding.
	It's, you know, same thing as Hitler.
	If Hitler won the war, blonde chicks will be walking around with hip dysplasia.
	Anyway.
	Really?
	Yeah, yeah.
	I have dysplasia.
	It's in a special.
	You like that, Joe?
	It's nice.
	I have dysplasia.
	In your hips?
	Yep.
	Brody Stevens.
	Like an Australian Shepherd.
	Brody Stevens had dysplasia.
	Really?
	Do you walk odd?
	Yeah, kind of a little bit.
	If I have to walk for a long time, like if I have to walk for a couple miles, it gets bad.
	Really?
	Yeah, just like I kind of get that shake, you know?
	I think it's cute, but it hurts a little, but yeah, yeah, but yeah.
	But anyway, enough about me, man.
	But yeah, the N-word, man, it'll fly out of you.
	That's why a long time ago, I used to have a joke where I said, I don't say the N-word because I care about people.
	I don't say it because if your tongue gets used to it, if you say it a bunch behind doors or whatever, and you feel comfortable saying it, one night you'll get drunk and your tongue, it'll slip out of your mouth and you'll be in the wrong fucking place.
	I don't say it first.
	That's my rule, dude.
	You don't say it first?
	No, I never say it first.
	Somebody else has to say it, bro.
	If someone says to you, you go, all right, we're good, we're good.
	That's crazy.
	That's crazy, man.
	But I think like a lot of stuff where you can't use, like, like, yeah, you can't use the word, right?
	Like, I get it.
	Yeah.
	But I think also like I think sometimes, oh, fuck, I can't remember what I was going to say, man.
	Yeah, you just don't use the word anymore.
	I think the only place that still really uses it is mostly music these days.
	I don't hear people say it anymore.
	I don't hear anyone say it.
	I've never, I mean, I heard white people say it growing up in the South.
	I mean, all of us that grew up in the South heard it.
	Yeah.
	And heard white people use it at a McDonald's or some shit, and there was no cameras around, so no one got outraged.
	But, yeah, the only place you really hear is music.
	I mean, my bus driver is black, so I hear it all the fucking time.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, but it's like I told the girls one time the girls were in the car and they go, dad, you want to hear a joke?
	And I was like, yeah.
	So they tell me the joke and they're like, dot, dot, dot, dot.
	And then the punchline, they're like, he's a midget.
	And I was like, hey, guys, you can't say that word.
	And they're like, why?
	I go, because it's like a bad word.
	And they're like, no, it's not.
	And I go, no, it is.
	And they're like, no, he's just describing a person.
	I go, I understand that.
	But you can't say it.
	Because if you say that word and someone's, you know, a little person, they hear it, it might hurt their feelings.
	And my daughters look to me and they're like, they're not in the car, dad.
	It's just us.
	And I was like, yeah, you'd think it would work that way.
	And then Brad Williams came to my house and I was like, I'll bring the girls in the man cave.
	I go, hey, why don't you tell Brad that joke?
	And they lit up like, what the fuck are you doing?
	Wow, calling you.
	Yeah, like putting him on the spot.
	Yeah, dude, I remember they had, I remember fishing with a black buddy of mine named Devin, and he went to jail actually for murder or alleged murder.
	Really?
	But we were fishing and some kids were up on the, like on this railroad track, like up this, up this embankment from this river, and they started throwing rocks and calling us the N-word, right?
	And I'm like, not me.
	You know what I'm saying?
	You kind of back to the back of the boat.
	I think they're talking to you, Desmond.
	Yeah, like, bro.
	You're aiming horrible.
	You're hitting both of us.
	But I remember that was scary, man.
	I mean, yeah, you definitely had some people that like, I mean, I think racism is just kind of like, I mean, it's just definitely like.
	How crazy would it be if coronavirus, if black people couldn't get coronavirus?
	Someone said that they can't, but then Idris Elba got it.
	I know.
	Somebody said gay men can't get it.
	There's a lot of information going on.
	Gay men can't get it?
	That's what I heard.
	But then I think Siegfried Roy got it.
	Can you see that?
	Magician gets corona.
	Or alleged magician.
	Why wouldn't they just go, ta-da?
	I don't have it anymore.
	Siegfried Roy got corona?
	They're dead, man.
	If they get Corona, they're dead.
	Yeah.
	Magician gets corona.
	San Diego Apple's aging magician.
	Is that his thing?
	He's the aging magician.
	He's like, oh, my leg hurts so bad.
	Oh, shit, a dove came out of it.
	He just stands there on stage and he's like, I'm aging.
	We can all do that.
	Look at this.
	Look at this.
	I just got older.
	When I was growing up, you knew not to say the M-word.
	If somebody beat your ass, that's how you knew.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Like, that was the litmus.
	It was like, that's how you learned about it.
	It was like, oh, somebody said it, somebody got their ass beat, and then that was it.
	It's so funny, man.
	I never heard it.
	Like, I mean, I heard it when we lived in that neighborhood.
	And then I never heard it in our new neighborhood.
	Never heard it.
	And then I never, I never heard it.
	I heard it a little bit in high school, but we had a black friend, Cari Brown, and all the kids that grew up with him would drop the word, but as a, like, not, not derogatory, just as like a joke.
	If it was the punch, like in a Louis C.K. way, if it was the punchline of a joke, meaning towards Cari or but very lighthearted.
	And they were like guys that he grew up with his whole life.
	And then I heard it a lot in college.
	I heard it fucking.
	I went to Florida State and we were segregated.
	It was like Famu in Florida State.
	So I heard it a lot in college.
	Famu was more black college?
	100%.
	Yeah.
	And I used to drive the black chicks.
	They'd call.
	They always lived in one dorm.
	It's so funny.
	I ran into this woman the other day who went, a black chick my age, who went to Florida State and I said, hey, do you ever take Safe Escort?
	That's what I always drive them around campus in like a K car.
	Do you remember a K car?
	Pull up a K-car, can you?
	It was like the fucking biggest beater you could ever have.
	I think it's called a K-car or a Q-car.
	It's like an old.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	That was it.
	Oh, yeah, Renault.
	That's a Renault, isn't it?
	Chrysler K. But it was white.
	And so, and then they would, what would happen is you knew if the black chicks called on a Saturday night, because it was just taking people to the library is where you're supposed to go.
	Okay.
	But if the black chicks called on a Saturday night, you knew they wanted to go to FAMU from Florida State.
	Okay.
	And we weren't allowed to drive to Famu.
	But once they got in the car, you had to take them wherever they went.
	So what would happen is they go, we have a pickup at Debany Hall.
	Based on one of them, I have a pickup at Debany Hall.
	Her name's Laquisha.
	And you go, okay.
	You'd be like, is it how many passengers?
	And I'm like, just one.
	That's what they say.
	And so you'd pull up, and then she'd like wave to you, and you go, hey.
	And as she waved, they'd pile in the other side of the car and shake it in.
	They go, we're going to fam you, bitch.
	I loved it, though, because I love hip-hop.
	So I would just talk hip-hop with them the entire time.
	I learned about Wu-Tang Clan that way.
	I bought the Method Man album through them.
	I learned about Suave House, MJG, and 8 Ball.
	Damn.
	It was like the funnest for me because I loved hip-hop.
	Oh, yeah.
	And so we would just, I'd be like, what are you guys listening to?
	And I was driving them for like fucking 20 minutes.
	And y'all were listening to what?
	Hip hop?
	There was no player and there was no player in there.
	Sometimes they'd have.
	And we all wearing seatbelts and everything?
	Oh, there'll be so many people in those seatbelts.
	I was back when seatbelts were like...
	Who wore seatbelts?
	I see my kids putting on seatbelts.
	I'm like, what do you guys want?
	Need knee pads for blowjobs?
	What do you got to put your shoes in, your knees, and your ASICs before you blow a guy, huh, kid?
	Take out your inserts.
	That's crazy, man.
	Yeah, time we're just, I don't know if, yeah, I don't know, man.
	I guess they had like, I didn't, I don't know if I felt like I saw a lot of racism.
	I never hung out in like a redneck type of area.
	Like, I felt like there was more, there was also a lot of racism from black to white, too.
	Like, black kids weren't like, hey, like us, you know, there was a lot of like anger.
	It's funny, you always have anger from like previous generations.
	Like, it's always like, the shit's always so misdirected, you know, I feel like it's like.
	I told a story in one of my specials about my first throwing, Comfortably Dumb, about one of the first fights, like full-blown, not fight, I say fights.
	Like in high school, there were fights where it was a big fight and you stood on the outside and waited to sucker punch someone.
	And then there were fights where you got sucker punched or hit with something.
	I got punched one time.
	Yep.
	Dude, I got hit with a fucking, some dude hit me with a bunch of encyclopedias, literally A, B, C, dude.
	And by the time you got to E, bro, I fucking gave up.
	You're like, I get it, man.
	Elephants come from human.
	I know how this is, man.
	I know how this is.
	I know about anteaters, Arvarks, bees, caterpillars.
	I'm done, man.
	The first fight I was in where it was like squared up one-on-one, bro, that is a who was the guy?
	His name was Donovan.
	Donovan?
	White guy, black guy.
	Black dude, state wrestling champ.
	You know Calhead.
	You know Cowhead, Mike Caltza, right?
	Mike Calta found him.
	He still lives in Tampa.
	Wow.
	Calta found him.
	Oh, my space.
	This is how long ago that was.
	Found him and found his daughter and said, we'd love to have you come in studio and corroborate this story.
	And he was like, how much?
	And Cowhead's like, nothing.
	I'd rather just hear the good story.
	So I haven't heard from this guy.
	He had an IROC, right?
	With the string shirts.
	He would shake his fucking IROC, like to warm up for a fight.
	Just shake it back.
	That was sexy.
	Big wheels on the back.
	So he gets in a fight with this guy.
	I think the guy's name is Mario, I think.
	I'm not sure.
	I can't remember.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	He gets in a fight with this guy, Mario, and there's a bunch of black dudes around.
	And I run in to see, I want to watch the fight, right?
	And I peek my head in, and the second I peek my head in, Mario's unconscious.
	He knocked him out clean.
	And he's holding his hair.
	And as soon as I put my head in, they go, here's another one.
	Get him, Donovan.
	And they push me in.
	And now it looks like I'm on his team.
	And it's, yeah, because we're wearing the wave.
	It's the worst about people outside of a fight.
	All they want is more fighting.
	More fighting.
	Get him.
	He wants to.
	Yeah, get him.
	And, bro, squaring up to a dude.
	And I had never squared up.
	I had never, like, I was just trying to apologize.
	And then I realized, oh, he was just going to beat me up.
	He's squaring up to worse dude, especially if you've never done it.
	Which foot do you put first?
	I left, left.
	Like, I was squeezed.
	I'm sorry forward.
	Like I was skateboarding.
	That's crazy, bro.
	I've had to square up twice against one dude, two dudes in my life.
	This other dude I squared up against, I squared up.
	Do you remember the story when we were doing Reality Bites Back, right when we were doing the So You Think You Can Dive episode.
	I drove us all down there.
	Do you remember that?
	Yes.
	I drove us all down there.
	I remember that.
	And the practice day, the practice day that we had.
	And for those who don't know, it was a show on Comedy Central that was a great, great show to be on.
	It was a lot of fun.
	It was a big payday.
	It was cool.
	It wasn't a big payday, but a big payday for back.
	Big payday for you, though.
	Yeah, big payday for you.
	This is where they fucked up.
	I'm going to say this number.
	It's the wrong number, but it was, in my memory, it was like $8,000 an episode.
	And so all of us looked at it and we're like, it's a 10-order episode.
	All of us are like, we're getting 80 fucking grand.
	And the winner gets like a quarter of a million dollars, whatever, or $100,000.
	And then we got there the first day and realized, oh, if you get kicked off, you don't get $8,000.
	And it came cut through.
	It became cutthroat.
	So only episodes you were on, you got eight grand for each episode you were on.
	I remember this episode, somebody got kicked off.
	Me, you, Red.
	I tell this story every time I saw it.
	I saw Red Grant a week ago.
	Really?
	In Baltimore, yeah.
	I think I saw the picture.
	He came out to my show.
	Yeah, it was really cool.
	It's great to see him.
	Oh, I hung out with him and Donnell.
	I did an episode of Something's Burning With Him, and we ended up smoking weed and just bullshit.
	Oh, that's awesome.
	The first day, the very first day we're sitting at that mansion outside in Encino.
	It's me, you, Red Grant, Donnell Rollins on the step, if I'm not mistaken.
	And Kyle Cease came up, and he had the hat that said week one.
	He had a hat made out for every week one, week two, week three, week four.
	And he's with Chris Fairbanks.
	Yeah.
	And he goes, and Donnell goes, yeah, son, that's right.
	You are the week one.
	And we all start laughing and Kyle goes, I think it's spelled differently.
	He goes, no, no, son.
	You should have a hat that just says week.
	And then Kyle goes, Donnell, I think it's spelled differently.
	And he goes, not in my neighborhood.
	And then Kyle walks away.
	I go, Chris.
	And he just goes, he goes, I think I'm next.
	And just walked away.
	Dude, Donnell was so funny.
	Miu and Red Grant got naked in the bathtub with Lunel.
	Oh, yeah.
	Do you remember that?
	Yeah, yeah.
	Like, I got full-blown naked.
	Yeah, you always did.
	I got full-blown naked.
	I got full-blown naked dick against the glass, and the president, Lauren Correo, was at that shooting, president of Comedy Central.
	And it's what happened is Miyu and Red get passage to the next round.
	And they go, your reward is you get to shower and bathe with Lunelle.
	And so we're like, oh, fuck it.
	We don't care.
	Yeah.
	And so we go in.
	She's small, too.
	I think they gave us.
	She got a small body.
	I think they gave us cocktails.
	We were drinking before that.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And she got us in there.
	Yeah, pull a picture of Lunel.
	I ran into her, by the way.
	I thought she hated me.
	I ran into her in Montreal and just got fucking wasted with her and had a blast.
	Oh, yeah.
	She's fun.
	Everybody loves her.
	And we got in the bathtub and Lunelle goes, I'm taking off my drawers or whatever.
	Oh, yeah.
	Pulls her bathing suit bottoms off and throws them out.
	And I was like, fuck it, I'm in.
	So I take mine off.
	Red takes his off.
	You take yours off.
	And then she stands up and she's still got them on.
	She had two pairs on.
	And we're all sitting there naked.
	Praise God, man.
	Those are the good old days.
	That was a fucking, think about how long ago that was.
	That show was fun.
	When year was that?
	Go back to that information if you don't mind, Nick.
	That'd be 1994.
	Derived from 1994.
	2008.
	Wow.
	I got a special right after that.
	2008.
	2008.
	Wow.
	Someone.
	Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
	Keep up who got voted off when.
	Someone sent me a zip drive that has all the episodes, too.
	I have it on a drive someplace if either of you want that.
	I would love to see that.
	That was when, like, look, people, I think a lot of people in this business take ownership of when they find, when they feel like they discover someone.
	You know, like, like, there's a lot of agents that do that.
	I will say without a doubt, without a doubt, me and Amy Schumer became the biggest Theo Vaughn fans in the fucking world.
	Like, I remember me and Amy looking at each other and being like, you were so funny and it was effortless.
	You weren't even trying to be funny.
	You were just so fucking funny.
	I swear to God, I'd pay $100,000 to have all the footage, raw footage, and then cut my own show of the outtakes.
	Because there were times where you'd leave Michael Ian Black just like, huh?
	And we were crying, laughing.
	He was like a white supremacist, I felt like, his way dressed.
	I remember we go, we were all talking and we go, so what do you hope this show gets you?
	What do you hope this show gets you?
	Oh, you'd love to get a special.
	I'd love to get 30 minutes.
	I'd love to get on Premium Blend.
	And we're like, what about you, Michael?
	And he goes, a new basement.
	And we're like, what?
	He goes, that's the only reason I'm doing this show.
	I need a new basement.
	And we were like, cool.
	Yeah, he always had this white supremacist vibe.
	He just looked too white.
	Like, bro, white down a little.
	You know what I'm saying?
	He's the least white supremacist.
	Really bring up a picture of him.
	He does have a vibe of the bad guy in a Harry Potter movie.
	Michael Ian Black.
	That's not him.
	That's still looting out, dude.
	Yeah, he has.
	He texted me last night.
	Did he?
	Yeah, he texted me last night.
	He was so funny.
	Yeah, definitely.
	I'll see if I can see the text.
	He literally just texted me last night.
	Oh, he's turned my fucking phone off.
	There he is right there.
	He definitely looks like he would be giving a speech about, hey, you know, here's the problem.
	Sorry, I have women voting.
	He looks like he doesn't blink his eyes at night.
	Look at him in the water.
	Louis C.K., what's that one?
	Michael Ian Black defends Louis C.K. Oh, that's kind of cool.
	MIB's a cool dude, man.
	I love him.
	Dude, he's one of a kind for sure.
	He really is, man.
	And by the way, he's always been sweet.
	Like, ever since we met him, he's a ball buster.
	Kind of like that's his angle of comedy.
	But he's always been a very sweet guy.
	I remember we connected because both our wives are older than us.
	Really?
	Yeah, yeah.
	And his wife's older than him, and my wife's, I think me and M.I.B.
	are the same age.
	And did you ever see his TV show, The State?
	Yeah.
	Oh, bro.
	Oh, I want to dip my balls in it.
	That was the best, dude.
	How great was that?
	It was the greatest fucking show.
	I feel like what I'm hearing is you don't like the tacos.
	No, I love the tacos.
	In fact, they're the best tacos I've ever had.
	Dude, that show was so fucking great.
	Did you ever see a thousand pounds of pudding?
	Oh, yeah.
	Oh, dude.
	I could watch that show.
	That was one of my favorite shows.
	That was the first time I really got comedy.
	Wow.
	No, type in Pudding the state.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	There you go.
	That was, I think it was $240 worth.
	I'm sorry, that's a thousand.
	Every time I tell stories, it is bigger.
	Levon Barry.
	Aw yeah.
	Oh shit.
	Aw yeah.
	Aw yeah.
	It's that time.
	Oh, you know, it's that time.
	I'm Levon.
	And I'm Barry, Sagittarius.
	And it's time.
	It's time for $240.
	With a pudding.
	Worth the pudding.
	Oh, yeah.
	Mr. Boucher, come on in here.
	Let's get a shot of this book.
	By the way, they were like $40 combined.
	Oh, yeah.
	We had the $240.
	We had to have the pudding.
	Dude, we could have bought $100 worth of pudding.
	And that would have been a lot of pudding.
	Oh, yeah.
	We had to go all the way, baby.
	All the way with $240.
	With the pudding.
	With the pudding.
	Oh, yeah.
	Now I know what you're thinking.
	Marion Levone, where did you get $240?
	Don't worry, you're pretty little head about it, baby.
	And you're concerned.
	Now, if you excuse me, I gotta whisper some sweet nuts to this pudding.
	I'll just be over here minding my own.
	They were chilling.
	This is like the silliest shit.
	We were in college smoking weed watching this.
	We used to go to parties and go.
	Yeah, we did.
	I want to dip my balls in it.
	No, I don't want it.
	I can't.
	I can't.
	Does anyone have some orange juice?
	I've got some orange juice.
	I want to dip my balls in it.
	That guy, Kim Marino.
	You ever run into people like you were fans of as a kid that are fans of yours?
	Oh, I run into this lady from In the Heat of the Night.
	Can you bring up a picture of that show, actually?
	She played Althea Tibbs.
	You ever see In the Heat of the Night?
	Oh, yeah.
	Hey.
	Is that with the guy from Archie Bunker?
	Yep, Carol O'Connor.
	He's buried right near my apartment.
	Althea Tibbs, right there.
	Oh, I know Althea Tibbs.
	Wait, Althea Tibbs has been on a lot of shit.
	Yeah.
	Wait, what did you mean Althea Tibbs?
	Can we get to our wiki maybe?
	Yeah, that's her.
	Anne-Marie Johnson.
	She lives in Los Angeles.
	Yeah, I met her.
	She's seeing a man.
	She's seeing a man.
	When I saw her a couple times at different restaurants, I accosted her mildly outside of the credit union, outside of the SAG After credit union.
	Just a huge pan.
	Yeah, look at all the stuff she's been in.
	Million things.
	Dude, she's still working.
	She's worked forever.
	But yeah, she looked great.
	And I just told her, I said, hey, I'm just such the biggest fan.
	She started working before I was born.
	That's crazy.
	Wow.
	Matlock.
	Matlock was so good.
	Man, you talk about like the Me Too and all the fucking racism and fucking sexism in Hollywood.
	Imagine the shit she had to deal with.
	I bet she'd appreciate the fact that we at least knowledge it.
	She started in 1971, 1972 to 76. She was on Matlock Police.
	That was when I was born.
	She was on different strokes.
	She was on different strokes.
	I guarantee you she dated Willis.
	Oh, yeah.
	I guarantee it.
	I met Arnold one time.
	You did?
	From Hey, Arnold?
	No, Arnold.
	Not Arnold Palmer.
	No, Arnold from Different Strokes.
	Arnold?
	What isn't that his name?
	Willis.
	No, the little one.
	Oh, Gary Goleman.
	No, Gary Coleman.
	Gary Coleman.
	Gary Coleman, yeah.
	He died.
	Gary Goleman died?
	Gary Coleman.
	Oh.
	Yeah.
	No, Gary Goleman is teaching people how to fucking be comedians over daily tweets.
	Okay, we haven't seen that.
	That was 29. So he's crazy.
	I see his advice, and I'm like, I don't think I'm doing copyrights.
	I'm not writing at all.
	Tag it nine different ways.
	I tag it once and it's good to go.
	I don't know what.
	Yeah, that's it.
	I met Gary Goleman.
	Gary Coleman.
	I met Gary Coleman.
	Gary Coleman died.
	Will you look that up, please, Nick?
	Yeah, he did.
	It was a kidney failure.
	Oh, he really did?
	Yeah, because he had the little guys get kidney problems.
	So I think that's how Mini Me died.
	I think that's how Tattoo died.
	He's a beautiful young man, too.
	He died in Utah at 42. Oh, my God.
	You know, they gave him a lot of grief toward the end of his life.
	Remember all that?
	They put him in a show called Midgets versus Mascots at one point.
	Remember that?
	Can you imagine the Michigan State Trojan fighting a couple of midgets off outside of a bakery or whatever?
	Wherever they shot it?
	Look at this.
	Midgets?
	I love how Hollywood acts like regular people are the problem when they're doing shows called Midgets versus Mascots.
	That's my question.
	Who at the University of Michigan was like, yeah, yeah, I think that's a good look for our school?
	Let's beat this shit up a middle school.
	But what are you going to do?
	If a bunch of little people show up and say, hey, this is the show we want, you have to be supportive.
	What do you do?
	No, you think the midgets picked it?
	Why would they pick someone they definitely can't beat?
	How do I get midgets versus mascots?
	I got to see this.
	Oh, man.
	Wait, Scotty Pippens in it?
	Ron Jeremy?
	Jason Mews?
	Yeah, I think they put regular heighted people into the mascotery, into the uniforms.
	Oh, my God.
	I will definitely watch Midges versus Mascots.
	Yeah, it's wild, man.
	Can you believe that they have that kind of stuff, dude?
	Do you think that there's going to be that we'll be able to get back to regular humor after this coronavirus thing?
	I think it's going harder.
	I think we're going to go harder in the paint.
	Yeah.
	Because, yeah, because, right, like, I'll tell you right now, when this special, when we were editing this special, I have...
	She got a question for us, actually.
	We'll get right into that about your statement.
	Let's get this question real quick.
	Right here from Allie.
	time i related what you guys talk about okay hey hey bert this is ally from niger falls canada calling turn it up man question for bert wondering if there's any topic that is off limits or off the table regarding your daughters or your wife um in your comedy uh keep doing what you're doing guys thank you for everything gang gang huh She's beautiful.
	Beautiful lady right there.
	Are you always shocked when you see a pretty person that has seen your stand-up and you're like, You saw me?
	Yeah.
	Like, I get it if you're like 280 pounds, you got a beard, you're troubled.
	Yeah, yeah, and you're like, dude, you have cash.
	I go, I got you, man.
	We all go through those hard times.
	Yeah.
	But man, when you see her, you're like, huh.
	What happened?
	There's nothing off them.
	There's only been one subject that Isla asked me not to talk about.
	But like, I talk about her period.
	I get her period, the special.
	They're pretty cool with it.
	Although, I got to be honest with you, I don't know.
	You don't know the long-term effects of it.
	I don't.
	I wish I did.
	You know?
	I mean, not in a bad way, but you don't.
	And it's.
	Dad's gone.
	He's a comedian.
	You know what I'm saying?
	He's flying around the country telling people about my period.
	I don't.
	I can't imagine it's going to be awesome.
	Like, you know, you don't put any thought into it.
	Here's how it works.
	Right.
	So I'm on the road with, at the time, it's me, Segura and Ian Bagger doing Irvine and Brea every Tuesday, every Tuesday, Wednesday, right?
	We're just banging out Tuesday, Wednesday, Tuesday, Wednesday.
	Not on terrorists, Irvine and Brea.
	Me and Sagura are driving out.
	And then one day you tell a joke.
	The first joke I wrote about the girls was Isla was a baby and they woke up early in the morning.
	I go downstairs.
	I hear my baby monitor.
	I go downstairs.
	I'm like, what's going on?
	Why are you laughing?
	George is in a rocking chair.
	Isla's naked.
	And George is like, dad, you got to see Baby Isla's new trick.
	The dog's in between.
	I'm like, I don't fucking know.
	And I go, what is it?
	She goes, I don't want to spoil it for you.
	Isla, show dad.
	And Isla takes her finger, shoves it up her ass, and puts it in the dog's mouth.
	And that's the first joke I wrote about my daughter's dogs.
	The Jolly Roger.
	We call the happy Nazi.
	And so I go, and so I tell that story on stage and both and Tom were like, bro, that's like, that's legit funny.
	It's not a kid joke.
	That's just a funny fucking joke.
	Like, we don't have kids and we still like it.
	And that was where I flipped the switch.
	And so then, no, then Isla's maybe two or three.
	George is four or five.
	You start writing jokes about your kids and they're definitely not seeing it.
	They're not seeing it at all.
	And then I do the machine and I put all those stories I have in about the girls and it starts to work.
	Like people start to relate to it.
	I do secret time and that's when they were like, they were like, hey, like kind of curious.
	Like, what do you say about us?
	And I was like, it's not a big deal.
	This one, they were like, yo, run everything past us first.
	And so I had to run the period joke past Tyla.
	Did you sit down and talk to her about it?
	I told her, I put it, here's what happened.
	You know me, man.
	I put her on fucking Instagram stories the day it happened.
	So the day it happened, she gets her period.
	She wants to throw a period party.
	Do they do that now?
	Oh, yeah.
	It's big time.
	What?
	Oh, yeah.
	A period party?
	I told part of the story on Conan.
	God, man.
	And it went viral.
	I told just a part of the story on Conan, and it got 20 million views immediately.
	So, like, she's like, I mean, I don't want to ruin it, watch this special, but I get all the stuff for the period party.
	I dress in red.
	I'm like fucking red velvet cake.
	Fucking dude, you're going to love, dude.
	You'll love this bit.
	You'll love this bit.
	But my point is, I put it all on Instagram stories that night because I'm laughing.
	I'm dying laughing.
	And then I get in bed that night.
	She comes in.
	She's like, hey, big boy, I need you to take that down.
	And I go, what?
	I go, baby, it's fine.
	I think it's cool.
	She goes, yeah, I know.
	I don't mind people knowing I threw a period party, but I don't want kids in my school knowing I had my period.
	And I went, oh, okay, that makes sense.
	So I pull it all down.
	And then I go to Louisville that next weekend, and I talk about it.
	I try it on stage.
	And just that reaction you just had is the whole room's having it.
	But the weird part, you know me, I'm a meathead.
	I'm like a fucking mouth breather, is women are connecting with it going, like cheering for Isla, which I think's cool.
	So then I work it out a little bit.
	I talked to Isla about it, and I was like, hey, I want to do a part of that story on Conan.
	And she's like, she goes, why?
	I go, I think it's good.
	I think it's a good thing.
	I think that the thing that you're doing is going to be good for little girls and other little girls will see it.
	And the trauma that Georgia, when Georgia had her period, she was a fucking nightmare.
	And I said, the trauma Georgia went through, you can help them avoid that.
	Because Isla didn't want to go through what Georgia went through.
	So she just circumnavigated it and went, I'm going to celebrate this moment.
	Right.
	And so I told her on Conan, she watched it.
	She was cool with it.
	But then the next day, my email gets flooded with little girls emailing me, like their parents, their parents are emailing me from their daughters.
	Like, this, my daughter wants you to read this.
	And letters coming into my manager.
	Like, hey, I was really scared about getting my period.
	I've been really nervous about it, but I saw your dad's story.
	Thank you for letting him tell it.
	And then, and Isla named her period and they go, and by the way, we just welcome Daryl to our family.
	Wow.
	And so it was, so like, I don't, I don't have any limits.
	Like, I'll talk about fucking anything.
	Whether or not it goes into a special is like another thing because I got to run it by them.
	Damn.
	Like, and I know it's getting touchy for Georgia.
	Yeah, because they're cheap.
	Yeah, I could imagine that that's a lot going on.
	She's 15 and when she starts fucking up and you wanna talk about it, you know she's gonna be like, can you imagine if all your fuck ups, Yeah.
	And so it's, I don't know, man.
	We'll see.
	Who knows?
	Maybe I won't make it out of this coronavirus, and that's the end of my stand-up.
	Today's episode is brought to you by my bookie.
	I'm sure a lot of you gamblers and money snake men are out there being wild and trying to think of something to do, having to bet on things in the yard.
	Oh, bet if little Daryl will catch that acorn.
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	Yeah, it'd be interesting.
	Here's a white guy right here with something to say.
	Yep.
	What's up, Theo?
	What's up, Bert?
	This is Logan from Sarasota, Florida.
	My question for Bert is, how excited are you for all that new material you're going to get for being quarantined with both your daughters?
	It's going to be hilarious.
	And then my question for both of you guys is, do you ever go back and watch your old Netflix specials and try to build off that for your upcoming shows?
	It's a great question.
	Gang gang.
	That's a great question.
	It is a good question, man.
	The first part he asked is for you.
	Yeah, it's only been two days, so I'm not super excited yet.
	Yeah, it's funny.
	You start picking out little things that you, I mean, you know that like there'll be something that happens where you go, that's not it, but this may be a part of it.
	Right.
	And so like right now, Isla is obsessed with puns.
	So anything you say to her, she replies in a pun, I guess there's this some guy on the internet who does puns, and so she loves puns.
	Gripless.
	There's a guy named Gripless that's an artist.
	You can bring him up.
	But yeah.
	He has really good ones.
	But yeah, I don't know.
	When you prepare for a special, do you watch previous specials?
	Honestly, I've never watched my old special.
	You know, I saw it whenever we were editing it and putting it together.
	I wasn't that super that stoked about it.
	I loved it.
	You did?
	I loved it.
	I watched it on the foot of my bed.
	Oh, right.
	And before we changed our house around, I remember exactly where I was.
	I turned it on.
	I watched it on the foot of my bed.
	I watched you getting ready for it, too.
	Like, I remember seeing you getting ready for it at the Hollywood Improv.
	Yeah, yeah.
	I think, yeah, I mean, I think that's just my head.
	You know, it's like you want to.
	Oh, it's everyone's head.
	Dude, trust me.
	Sorry.
	Trust me, I did not, I was.
	So, like, press has been very weird for this special.
	And so, like, because they just pulled all press.
	So there's no press.
	It's so crazy.
	Yeah.
	And it's, dude.
	Because did you have a lot of places to go that you were lined up together?
	I lined up across the board and then, you know, everything happened.
	And they just pull all press.
	And I'm doing four podcasts.
	That's it for the whole special.
	Four fucking podcasts.
	And so.
	Well, thanks for coming in here.
	No, dude, thank you.
	By the way, hold on.
	You're one of the few people that didn't cancel on me.
	A lot of podcasts canceled.
	Really?
	Yeah, a lot of podcasts were like, no, we're not.
	You know what?
	Can we push it like a week and just see what's happening?
	And I'm like, I'm like, man, unless someone's, you know, unless you're showing any symptoms.
	And by the way, everyone's been fucking quarantined.
	The rule's 10 or under.
	It's 10 or under, and they're being safe on that.
	It's three of us in a room.
	He's not even in the same room.
	No one's touched each other.
	So like, me and Sagura did a podcast this morning.
	Everyone's like, look, people are fucking working.
	You can't not make a living or entertain people that are locked up in their houses.
	This is what we do for a living.
	Yeah, totally.
	And if anything, this is a time to do it.
	This is a time to be like.
	I'm doubling down on podcasts.
	If I did have it, I'd come in and do it.
	By the way, I wouldn't mind one of us just getting it and spreading it to all of us and going, hey guys, let's really bang these out.
	Now we're done.
	We're doing sets again.
	Yeah.
	Just for the affected.
	Yeah, now we're done.
	Yeah.
	Affected only.
	I wonder if at some point there will become a line where it's like the affected get to do stuff and the unaffected don't get to do it.
	It's like a herpes website.
	Where you're like, ah man, if you don't herpes, don't party with us.
	Dude, I thought if one day there was like a, what if one day they come out with a drug where you can live forever, right?
	But only some people get it, you know, and some people don't.
	And there's just going to be that crazy like cutoff.
	Like they're going to decide like, well, you're over 45. You're not even of use.
	Or you're over 60. You're not of use anymore.
	So you don't get it.
	They're trying to do that already still.
	So you don't get it, but under 60 gets it.
	And the government has it.
	And it's like, it's just going to be this crazy thing.
	Oh, right, where they draw the line and you got to fucking pick it.
	And there's nothing you can do.
	And marriages, your wife will be two years, three years older, or whatever.
	She can't do it.
	Ooh, that's not a bad way to go out of marriage.
	Hey, I mean, it's the law, you know?
	What am I supposed to do?
	My point is, my point is, to yours, because I loved your special and you think in your head you didn't like it or you're afraid that people didn't like it or whatever.
	That's how I woke up.
	I woke up yesterday morning, St. Patty's Day.
	I had that big fucking show planned.
	And what happens when you do press for a special is it really gets your mind off of it.
	So these first few days when people are sending in tweets and Instagrams and you don't really look at it because you're busy working and promoting and texting and hitting up friends, hey, can you tweet about this?
	And so then you don't really realize it until like come Friday.
	And then by the way, come Friday, everyone's there for the weekend.
	It's your fans hitting you up.
	So you don't think about it.
	I woke up yesterday, fucking panicked.
	I mean, all you can remember are the jokes you're not proud of.
	Yes.
	God damn it.
	And then this morning was the first time I did any real legit press where I called into radio stations and they were like, oh man, I love that joke you have about beating your wife with a mop.
	And I'm like, oh, that's a good joke.
	Or the, I had a joke that, I had a joke that went, that they memed.
	Oh, that's nice.
	I wrote it 18 months ago, performed it, filmed it November, and then 50 Cent put it on a meme.
	And it was like, and I didn't get any credit, but you know it's a good joke when it gets memed.
	Yeah.
	And so, but you don't think about those.
	You think about the shit ones.
	And so it's not until you get fucking texts like from like Segura or Cowhead or like my friends that mean something.
	They go, hey, the secret time, I thought that shit.
	I was so terrified that that special just sucked.
	That just sucked.
	That everyone was just being nice to me because I'm a nice guy.
	People like me.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, that happened to me too.
	You're just like, oh, everybody's just saying that because I watched it nine times.
	You're like, that's insane.
	Nobody's ever done that.
	Someone's like, I watched it back to back.
	You're like, no, you didn't.
	But I appreciate you saying that.
	I appreciate you making me feel better.
	I remember I did a podcast with Rogan, and he goes, he said, I mean, you can find this clip.
	You can see the look on my face.
	It's fucking genuine.
	He goes, hey, man, I watched your special.
	It's fucking awesome.
	And I went, really?
	Like, it's genuine.
	And I couldn't get past it.
	I go, wait, you really watched it?
	And he was like, yeah, it was awesome.
	And I was like, hold on.
	Like, I'm looking at, like, are you being serious?
	Like, those compliments are like the way, like, Tom Papas said, man, I love your special.
	A guy like Tom Papa says that, and you're like, his new special is good, too.
	It's fucking awesome, man.
	It's awesome.
	It's clean.
	It's not like, like mine.
	You can't watch with your family.
	Yeah, but yeah, I have one.
	What's one joke that you wish you could take out of a past one that you're just like, oh, it was just, it wasn't, it's not me anymore, or it just was too, if there is one.
	I have, I don't like the way I named, I titled my first special because it was back before clickbait was a thing, but we knew what clickbait was, but we didn't know what it was.
	And it wasn't, there was nothing really racist in it, but it was like, let's talk about Mexicans.
	Let's talk about blacks.
	Like, it just seems racist.
	Oh, yeah.
	Now, some stuff does seem racist now.
	I'll watch Old Clutch and I'm like, oh, man, that seems kind of racist now.
	But at the time, it wasn't at all.
	It wasn't like, we've also gotten so fucking, in Hollywood, have gotten so sensitive on the way that things are, like, said and not the reality of them.
	Like, I had a joke.
	I used to have a joke.
	My closing joke was about getting blowjobs.
	I forget how it went, but I remember someone explaining it to me, like showing me from a woman's point of view how that's tad bit aggressive.
	And I just did not see it.
	I was like, I tried the sensitive approach.
	No, I go, you know what women hate?
	When you grab them by the back of the head and strong-arm them down.
	I go, you got to see the look on their face.
	They're like, no, no.
	I go, I tried the sensitive approach.
	You know, sliding it in their mouth while they're sleeping.
	Just, and you're like, you're dreaming.
	You're dreaming.
	You're snorkeling in the keys.
	Feel the fish bouncing off your chin.
	So like I, those, I remember this girl going like, it sounds like you're raping your wife.
	I go, oh, no, no, I'm just fucking her asleep.
	She's like, and I was like, oh, yeah, I guess, yeah, that guess that is a little insensitive.
	But what are you going to fucking?
	Yeah, but that was a different time.
	You could fucking sleep back then.
	Yeah.
	You know?
	It was called the old moccasin.
	It was actually, a lot of women were like, thank you for not waking me up to fuck me.
	Because I didn't even care.
	I guarantee you, if my wife could find a way that I could fuck her while she slept, she would take it.
	That's what I'm saying.
	That's what I'm saying.
	A lot of wives would consent in advance to saying, yes, please.
	I had a joke in one of my specials about I took it out because it just didn't sound ripe.
	Maybe I didn't take it out.
	It might be a secret time.
	I go, you ever had sex with someone who didn't want to have sex with you?
	Not rape, but like, ever fuck your wife when she doesn't want to fuck you?
	And she's just like, hmm.
	And you're like, you're not really into this.
	She's like, no, I don't want to be doing this at all.
	And you're like, huh, that sounds like rape.
	And you're like, no, I just want to go to Target and I don't want to deal with an asshole.
	I'm probably miswording that joke, but I think I told that secret time.
	I don't know.
	Yeah, I never had a wife, but I could imagine.
	Do you think you'll get married?
	I think I would like to.
	Is it really, is it pretty cool?
	I love it.
	You do?
	I love it.
	Yeah, you've always been a big proponent of it.
	Yeah, but I'm a big, I was a better, I was, I'm a better married dude than I am single dude.
	Yeah.
	I could see that.
	You need that real, that net around you.
	You need that support.
	You need that.
	When you go home, you got that love.
	You got something going on.
	There's something fun.
	I can't imagine.
	I mean, I look at like you and Dalia.
	I know Dalia's now got a kid, but I look at you, Dalia, and that group of guys who all kind of untethered.
	And I go, that must be nice to go, I'm going on the road.
	You know, I'm going to stay on the road and then just go snow skiing and then go into another city.
	Or I'm going to do a movie and disappear for a month.
	Or in times like this, where you go, I don't have to worry about financially.
	I'm good for a couple of years, you know?
	But now as a parent and these happen, you start worrying about your kids.
	You start worrying about finances.
	And you're like, I know I'm good, but like for how long and how long?
	And by the way, if shit goes sideways, I still got to take care of it.
	Like, say the economy never recovers, never for like five years, and like, and no one goes to stand-up.
	I don't really have any more fucking skill sets.
	Right.
	But you could disappear and go bartend, be the fucking funny bartender and make $100,000 a year, you know?
	Yeah, man.
	You'd be way funnier bartender.
	I think that's a good thing.
	You'd do any.
	You'd be great.
	I'd be a really good bartender.
	But no, I think there's definitely like, yeah, there's a, it's definitely, you start to see guys like Sebastian got married and started a family, you know.
	You start to see, yeah, Brett Ernst.
	You see guys start to have kids and stuff.
	You're like, oh man, I guess this is something that I have to do if I want to do it.
	At some point, I got to start to go down that road.
	You still have time.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	You got to find the right chick.
	You got to find the right chicken.
	Yeah, that's another thing.
	You don't want to find some Muppet.
	You don't want to find some fucking dust Muppet out there who's copping grams when you're not around or doing shit like that, stealing shit from you.
	Have you had chicks like that in your life?
	I've had some chicks sell some of my shit, you know.
	When you were partying, did you date like sketchy chicks?
	I've always kind of dated some real, so a couple of real sketch balls.
	My last girlfriend wasn't sketchy, though.
	I don't know.
	I've made good girlfriend choices.
	It's just like the messing around choices where you're like, oh.
	Wait, what's the worst?
	I got to get out of this.
	Don't tell me your name, but just tell me like the worst.
	Let me think.
	I'm sure.
	Oh, I know the worst, dude.
	So there was a girl that I don't know if she was the worst, really, but there was a girl who there was a girl who had taken a bunch of stuff from Holiday Inn, right?
	And this is back when Holiday Inn put, wrote Holiday Inn on the shower curtains and stuff in their showers.
	She took the shower curtains.
	And the soaps and everything?
	No, but I'd hooked up with her at her place, and then I took all that stuff and redid her bathroom in it and put all Holiday Inn shit in there.
	But that had nothing to do with her.
	I think she was so good.
	There was.
	And then I cheated on her.
	I guess that had nothing to do with her.
	I guess that was more me.
	Let me do another one.
	Yeah, she was super sketch.
	There's one girl where I pass out her house and I piss at her hamper.
	That wasn't her, but that was more me.
	You know, I'm trying to think.
	I mean, I'm sure some.
	Oh, I remember one time hooking up with this young lady, and she's like, oh, you can bust right inside of me.
	You know, and immediately that made me not want to even be around her.
	Because that just revolted me to my core that she was just, you know, just even like, I'm not going to ejaculate at all.
	That's my new thing is I don't bust, man.
	If I'm having sex, we have sex for a little while.
	We go our separate ways.
	What do you do?
	Huh?
	I'll just ejaculate later by myself or I'll ejaculate, you know, at a future time.
	You weren't jerking off for a while, right?
	Yeah, I've been through some good phases, man.
	I've struggled recently, but I'm doing my best, you know.
	Why?
	How come?
	I just don't like it, man.
	Oh, and the girl goes, Yeah, you can bust inside of me.
	She goes, I was like, I don't want to do all of that, you know?
	And she's like, Oh, don't worry.
	I can't get pregnant.
	I don't even have any ovaries.
	That's what she yelled out of a fucking car window behind a fucking.
	What's the place where you buy printer ink and everything?
	Kinkos?
	No, no, no, no, a little bit bigger than that.
	Office depot.
	I'm like, yeah.
	Out the window of an office depot.
	I don't even got any ovaries.
	Dude, I was like, I lost him in a billiards match.
	Yeah, I lost him in a skins game.
	I'm out of here.
	Long story, I'll just say me and an octopus didn't get along.
	So that still ruminates inside of me sometimes.
	It makes me sad, man.
	It makes me sad that I ever hooked up with that girl.
	I dated sketchy chicks, but I never fucked them.
	I was always weird about fucking chicks.
	Oh, yeah, dude.
	Same, man.
	For a while, I wasn't even good at sex at all, man.
	And I've never been good at it.
	I'm not good at it.
	I'm not good at it.
	That's why I'm terrifying a lot of times.
	Oh, I just, I bust so fucking quick.
	Oh, wow.
	I'm like, literally, I don't think I can get AIDS.
	It's like the five-second rule when you drop something on the ground and you pick it up.
	You're like, that doesn't count.
	Yeah, I'm fucking, I'm not.
	I couldn't even see you with AIDS, bro.
	I couldn't imagine you with AIDS.
	Because I'm so fat.
	Yeah, I mean, you see pictures of when I was skinnier.
	Dude, I'd be an ugly AIDS patient.
	Oh, dude, I couldn't get a fucking paint.
	I had a fucking ugly head.
	Really?
	I had an ugly head.
	I've always had an ugly head.
	And when I gained weight, my head looked normal on my body.
	Oh, I could see that.
	Like, I have a big head, like a size.
	Like, put this on your head and feel how big my head is.
	My head's pretty big.
	Oh, wow.
	That's your head?
	That's my head.
	Oh, my God, bro.
	I feel like I'm in a little apartment.
	I know.
	I feel like, no joke, I'm in a studio apartment.
	Like, hold on, I'll go over here to the kitchen.
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	Sorry, I didn't do my hair.
	It normally looks a lot better, but I'm starting to get gray streaks in my hair.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	Gray streaks in my beard.
	I'm getting that.
	We've got a question right here from a guy named John Gu looks like an Islamic.
	Hey, Theo, what's up?
	It's your bud John.
	What's up, Johnny?
	And Johnny.
	Johnny.
	Totally gay best friend.
	So question for Bert.
	Given that Theo is in a 12-step program and a big part of that program is acceptance and forgiveness, do you think that you would ever forgive Ari Shafir for unintentionally drugging you and giving you Molly?
	So, hope to hear back.
	Gang, gang.
	That's a good question.
	Now, he said unintentionally.
	I think that's where we differ.
	I think he was pretty direct in his intent.
	Do you think he wanted to do it like just, do you think there's something in him that's like, I got to get a rise somehow out of things?
	And it doesn't matter what it is.
	It doesn't matter if it's like, you know, just his vibe of humor with the Kobe stuff, you know, like, or not just Kobe, but all that.
	Going to the edge, you know, I got to douse my friend.
	I got to do this fire.
	I think the two are separate.
	I'll say number one, I think Ari's always succeeded on those outer barriers of comedy, meaning really pushing the edge, really finding the boundary and then jumping over it.
	Yeah.
	Case in point, the Kobe thing.
	I'm not going to go through Ari's list of the things that.
	Yeah, 100%.
	I do think there's a part of Ari that thought, if we do a podcast and I slip him Molly, it's going to be the most epic podcast ever.
	Everyone will talk about it for the rest of their lives.
	And I think that was a part of his thought process.
	But I do think that part of his intent was, this is going to be a blast.
	Burt's one of my best friends.
	Molly's not going to kill him.
	I'm going to give him Molly.
	We're going to get high.
	We're going to laugh.
	We're going to hang out all night.
	He didn't really calculate it.
	Like, he was like, I should have checked to see if his kids were in the other room.
	I should have checked to see.
	If he had to make dinner or something.
	My wife was making dinner for both of us to have dinner with the girls because my girls loved Ari.
	And he's like, and he didn't check that I was flying that night.
	I was starting my tour that night.
	So there's a lot of things Ari didn't check the boxes for.
	He just kind of did it.
	And I mean, it's super regrettable because I still love Ari and we're still friends.
	We text all the time.
	We talk on the phone.
	But if my daughter sees me texting with Ari, she'll take my phone.
	She fucking, Georgia hates Ari.
	Leanne hates Ari.
	And that's what fucking sucks.
	And I'll never release the podcast because I just don't.
	I know for a fact Ari thinks it's epic, but I've talked too much about it.
	And if you watch it, you'd know too much about my feelings about what happened.
	As opposed if I had never spoken about it and I just released it, it would have been, I mean, it would have been, it would have, I think, it would have probably gone off without a hitch, but I talked about it so much that I just, I feel like it's not fair to show, it's not fair to show Ari being somewhat insensitive to a friend who believes he was drugged and may die.
	Right.
	Because Ari's just, he's high and he doesn't care, and I'm freaked out and I'm having a panic attack.
	And you can definitely see all that.
	And I know Ari feels differently, but.
	Will you one day put him behind a paywall, you think?
	No, I mean maybe one day like Got to.
	I mean.
	He's got to.
	I don't know.
	By the way, it's so crazy.
	Say you heard, you were like, oh, there's outtakes on Reservoir Dogs where they lose.
	Remember, there's outtakes on Lily Tomlin losing her mind on Dustin Hoffman or someone during a movie?
	To everybody, I think.
	And they were something.
	And they were like, oh, I want to see that.
	And you, as a fan, as a fan of podcasts, as a fan, like a perfect example, right?
	When you and Bill Burr did a podcast and everyone was like, bro, what the fuck happened there?
	I went right there, excited.
	I watched it.
	I didn't see what I think everyone else saw.
	Like, I just saw you and Bill hanging out.
	It didn't register for me the way it did for other people, but I ran right to it.
	I ran right to it.
	People were on Twitter.
	What the fuck happened with Bill and Theo?
	And I was like, Bill's one of my best friends.
	Theo's one of my close friends.
	Like, I've known Bill for 20 years.
	I've known Theo for 15. Like, I'm fucking, I'm going here.
	For me, it didn't, like, razzle-dazzle me.
	I can see what people were talking about.
	I could pick up on hints of it, but, like, it wasn't what I wanted to see.
	So, I know as a fan, the idea that you'd want to watch me and Ari, me get drugged.
	I'm just afraid, protective of Ari, that especially with all the Kobe shit that went down, that it would just help anyone.
	It really wouldn't help anyone.
	Trust me, man.
	Had I released it and that Kobe shit gone viral, people would have grabbed that and it would have been a bit of a drink.
	Here you're drugging a white guy.
	I mean, dude, I'll tell you right now, when it happened, Dr. Drew said, you know, just so you know, by you telling me this, I have to call the police.
	And I went, wow.
	Then I made it up.
	Then I don't know what you're talking about.
	So if I put it out there, it would have been, I think it would have been a bad idea.
	Ari disagrees 100%.
	Wow.
	So Ari says, put it out.
	Ari wants it out so bad.
	Maybe I'll sell it to him one day.
	There you go.
	Now we're talking.
	If he makes it big, which on the rate he's at, he's big, man.
	He's just fucking sabotaging himself left and fucking right.
	He's the guy that killed Kobe Ryan, pretty much.
	Yeah, in a lot of poorly written articles.
	Here's the guy.
	And look at this, the guy who's flying the helicopters, a picture of Ari sometimes.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Dude, it's bad.
	Bro, things get mixed up out there.
	It's a mashup.
	Yeah.
	You know, it's a dark art.
	He's so talented, man.
	And I think that when he does film this special called Jew, I think it's called Jewish.
	Because he's a Jewish supremacist.
	He's a Jewish supremacist.
	Yeah.
	100%.
	When he films this special, I think it's going to be huge.
	And I think people, I think it'll really, I think people will see the artist as opposed to the comic that we've all known.
	The sensitive, sweet, fucking, hilarious Ari Shapier as opposed to bloody ass rag.
	By the way, that's still part of his personality.
	Doug Stanhope will piss on you, and he's one of the most genius comics in the world.
	It's like you can be both people.
	You give me two things.
	You mean three things?
	You mean four things?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I don't know.
	I remember asking if he wanted to talk about it one day on the podcast and just through texting and then I never heard back from him about it.
	But yeah, it's interesting because if I here's what you should do.
	If you talk to him, make him talk honestly.
	Right.
	Because here's what is frustrating to me is that the con not it's not even frustrating.
	It's not even frustrating at all.
	But like the part of Ari that apologized and the part that I talked to on the phone at the end of the month when we hadn't spoken for a month and he had texted me every single day going like, I want to talk to you.
	I can't have this happen.
	I can't lose you as a friend.
	Like that guy, that guy talking about it and talking about his experience that way is so fucking fascinating.
	The part of him where it's where he shuts off and deflects and goes, what?
	There's a joke.
	Like it.
	You know, that for me, I'm not super fascinated by.
	But man, I know the man very fucking well.
	Yeah.
	And the sensitive side, I would love to hear his perspective of it.
	From more human space and not.
	From a human space, because it's funny still.
	Like me and him talking, the first time we talked, I was driving to a planet fitness in an Uber and me and him talked.
	I can see that.
	we were just back and forth, kind of having our first conversation in a month, but giggling and kind of like, like, yeah, that was a fuck deal.
	Like, I'd say something like, and then instead of going like deflected, he was fucking, I That's me asking him to do comedy and that's offensive.
	For me to go, hey, this is how you should talk about it.
	My point is I would love that side of Aria.
	I would love to hear on a podcast.
	Right.
	You know?
	Yeah, man.
	I mean, yeah, he's definitely a sweet, nice dude.
	I think he just has this wild character that is this outlaw.
	He's like the Jesse James kind of like thing.
	You can't change that in him.
	That's his whole thing.
	And that's a real thing.
	Yeah, it's real.
	He's shit on Bobby Lee's car.
	He beat up Bobby Lee four times.
	There's a part of Ari that's a fucking legit wild card.
	Let me tell you something.
	How do you beat up Bobby Lee three times and then go back and beat him up one more time, though?
	I don't know.
	I mean, it seems like it was an easy fight.
	Yeah, no shit, dude.
	Just a lot of upper cuts.
	Oh, dude.
	Or lower cuts.
	Any cuts, dude.
	Any cuts you could use on Bobby.
	Dude, definitely.
	Yeah, Bobby fuckingly.
	But Bobby Lee, Bobby Lee's so cool.
	He really is.
	He's unbelievably one of a kind.
	You and him are the two dudes in recovery that have never, ever been browbeady or like, never been like, you know, like when I say shit like, oh, yeah, I'm not drinking right now.
	And you're like, nice.
	And you're like, ass, I'm having a hard time sleeping or whatever.
	And I don't know what I said to you last time, but I said something about not drinking.
	And you're like, yeah.
	And you just got like, I heard, I know what you're talking about.
	And then I was like, all right, I'm out.
	I'm out.
	I'm out.
	And you took off.
	But both of you and Bobby Lee have always been cool about whatever fucking thoughts I have out loud, just listening and being like a friend.
	Suppose, you know, some dudes are a little bit like, hey, man, here's the deal.
	You got a problem, man, and I can help.
	I can be your savior.
	And you're like, no, you fucking can't.
	You run an open mic out of Burbank, and I'm not trusting my life with you at all.
	I'd much rather be a failed alcoholic than fucking your sidekick at a fucking AA meeting.
	Yeah, don't make me beat up Bobby Lee again.
	Jesus.
	I went to one AA meeting.
	Did you?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	This is probably 18 years.
	No.
	Was it mixed or men's?
	Mixed.
	Okay.
	Mixed.
	Is men's better?
	Men's is definitely like a little bit more, it gets like a little bit more sentimental, I think.
	The mixed ones, there's always that element of like impressing women or seeing what's going on a little bit.
	Oh, yeah.
	This was.
	You know, because they got a lot of bottle thoughts out there.
	A lot of chicks who give up the liquor just to get a man, you know?
	Yeah, by the way, I would, I can see myself totally getting sober because of a chick in AA.
	Oh, yeah.
	And then falling off with her when she wanted to fall off.
	Yeah.
	I can totally see that happening.
	But I went to an AA meeting one time.
	It was over.
	I was like, no, I guess I shouldn't say anything like that.
	Now you can say where it was on Moore Park?
	No, it was on.
	No, this was a long time.
	This one I lived in Hollywood.
	It was on the corner of Franklin and Highland.
	So it was like, I think it's Franklin and Highland.
	Yeah, Franklin and Highland.
	It's over by that Starbucks over there.
	So everyone went to the Starbucks and then walked to Chris Street to the school or library or what it was.
	It was in like an auditorium, library type setting.
	You go in, they give you the book, and you're sitting down first, and then they're going around.
	And then the guy I was with, this really cool dude, you went to support him?
	No, no, no.
	Leanne had dumped me.
	We had been dating for like four months, and she dumped me because I got drunk at a party, and I wouldn't let a fight go, like, like an argument with her friends.
	I just thought, I thought, I died on the hill.
	I was like, this is my hill to die on.
	And I got drunk, and then I couldn't rebound emotionally from that fight.
	And then she broke up with me.
	And so I just said, I'm done drinking.
	I got drunk and I lost a chick that I loved.
	And I don't want that.
	And if I want to find chicks I love that I want to keep, I got to be sober.
	That's not going to work for me.
	Yeah, I feel you.
	I tried to learn French once to get a woman back.
	I made a boat out of clay for a woman once.
	I made a mixtape for Leanne.
	You did?
	Dude, she dumped me.
	She dumped me.
	I made a mixtape, and I drove down La Brea sobbing, crying.
	Oh, yeah.
	Sobbing, crying, and put it on her car like a mixtape with a letter.
	And I went back and I cried so hard.
	This is how bad I was hurt when Leanne dumped me.
	I went into my shower because I didn't want anyone to hear me.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	But I couldn't sit on the ground.
	I didn't want to sit on the ground.
	So I bought one of those exercise balls in.
	Into the shower?
	Into the shower, but it couldn't fit through the door.
	So I had to deflate it, crying, bring it into the shower, crying, re-inflate it, crying, and sit on it crying.
	You got to breathe deep when you're crying, too.
	And so I'm sitting on, I lived up on, it's a street called Glenco.
	God, it's a Geneva man.
	Right above.
	Yeah, I know exactly where that is.
	I was sitting on there eating an Asian pear.
	I hadn't drank in a couple days.
	Not out of any other thing that I've been crying this whole time.
	Is this in the Bible?
	I feel like this is in the Bible, dude.
	Yeah.
	And so this dude comes out, lived up there, and he goes, What did he do?
	What did he say?
	He goes, what's going on?
	And I was like, I'm going through some shit.
	And I said something about it.
	Because he was a...
	He came in.
	No, no, no, no, no, no.
	I was on the street.
	I was on the street meeting the Asian pair.
	Okay.
	Sorry, I merged this up somewhere.
	I didn't know we left apartment.
	So he used to be a sober coach.
	So they'd hire him.
	Oh, yeah.
	That's a big job.
	They'd hire him to go with huge actors to their movie to keep them sober so that they could get insured.
	Get through it.
	Denzel Washington is a man everybody talks about a lot of times.
	He gets real sober for films.
	Oh, yeah?
	Yeah.
	You always hear that anyway.
	It's a rumor.
	So this guy then, that's what he did for Living.
	He made great money.
	And he was a nice man, tall guy.
	Fucking coolest shoe.
	Short guy.
	Good guy.
	No, yoked, good-looking dude, Harley, Connie Corso dog, like just the fucking, he was the man.
	Right.
	And so he just said, and he's, and he knew all the talk, man.
	He knew, but he was like in, like, he had been sober for a while, and he'd been doing this so long.
	And he tried to get you in it.
	He took you to a meeting.
	He just knows.
	All he said was he goes, I said, I'm thinking I'm going to quit drinking for a while.
	And he was like, how long?
	I said, I don't know.
	And he was like, he was like, hey, you know, sometimes it's just, it's easier to just go, let's just take today.
	Like, don't worry about when you're going to start.
	Just take today.
	I was like, maybe I should.
	And he goes, and if you want, if you need help today, like, why don't you come to a meeting with me?
	And I was like, I was like, man, my fear was I was going to start drinking because I was so depressed about what Leanne dumped to me.
	And so I said, I'll go.
	I was doing, I was like, I'll try anything.
	I was like, I'll go to a meeting.
	We went down, we got coffee.
	I'd never had coffee at night.
	I'd never done that.
	We got coffee.
	We went to the meeting.
	And he was like, just listen, man.
	You don't have to do anything.
	Just listen.
	So they're going around.
	Everyone's talking.
	And like four guys for me.
	And he hits me and he goes, hey, listen, I know you're comic.
	If you want to talk, if you want to talk about what you're going through, everyone's going to listen.
	And I was like, really?
	And he was like, yeah, just spill everything.
	You don't have to be funny.
	Just spill everything.
	I was like, all right, all right.
	Good call.
	So I'm sitting and then it gets to me and I go to stand up and this guy next to me that I didn't, he kind of was like behind me, he stands up.
	He goes, actually, I'm having a really rough day.
	And I was like, okay.
	And so I sit back down and he goes, hi, my name's dot, dot, dot.
	I'm an alcoholic and everyone's like, hi, dot, dot, dot.
	And he goes, oh, it's been a bad day.
	I woke up this morning, I sucked my landlord's dick, and then I lit his car on fire.
	And I, as a comic Theo, I went, how do I follow that?
	Like, I'm like, yo, exactly.
	So I just like, I'm fucking out.
	I'm like, I'm sitting down.
	And then I fucking, I was like, never went back to another meeting.
	I was like, I can't be.
	And then I stayed sober for eight months.
	And Leanne and I one night were in Venice, Italy.
	Why is he sober for eight months, dude?
	That's huge.
	I don't have a problem staying sober.
	My problem, if there is a problem, my problem is turning it on and off.
	Like, I don't really do it the way regular people do it.
	I don't drink during the days.
	I only drink at nights.
	But in a weird way, it's like I get the itch.
	So like 8 o'clock or 7 o'clock sunsarstetin, I go, I wouldn't mind a glass of wine.
	But once I stop drinking, like we do sober October, I have no problem not drinking.
	And by the way, I have a hard time starting drinking again.
	But once I start November 1st, I'm back in.
	I'm back in the game.
	Not every night, but it's pretty much like any night I'm on the road.
	Oh, the road must be tough, man.
	Being sober on the road was really tough because you get done a show and you're just sitting there like, so now what?
	Like, what do we eat?
	Like, what are we going to do?
	Do you want to smoke cigars?
	And so now you're smoking three cigars a day.
	And so, and I was working, I was being so healthy, but I don't know.
	When I can drink on the road, I just do it.
	Yeah, I would.
	I feel like if I'm out there, especially if I'm out there on a tour bus and stuff like that, I would just, yeah, I would probably just be getting hammered out there.
	I feel like it would be real risky.
	What was this question we had right here from a young fella or woman?
	And this is a man.
	It's kind of what you just talked about.
	Oh, yeah?
	This message is for Bert.
	Me and Theo come from the same cloth.
	Looks like I'm coming from God.
	But how do you drink so much and stop for sober October?
	How do you do that?
	I can't even imagine just stopping drinking like that without any program or anything like that.
	How do you do it, Bert?
	Gang, gang, boy.
	Yeah, how do you do that?
	You just make a decision.
	You just shut it down.
	I mean, you know, do you know ramping up until October?
	Are you like, okay, September, I'm going to drink as much.
	I got a.
	We're going to have this last night is going to be a big party.
	You have a party the night before?
	No.
	Yeah.
	No, actually, usually I'll quit drinking a couple days before.
	Just kind of prep.
	No, just because I go, I don't want to ramp up and be hungover October 1st where I'm like, oh, I'd rather have that shit day here so that if I need a glass of wine to go to bed, like if I'm like, you know, I'm going to have a glass of wine.
	So I'll kind of taper it off and then, and then I just stop.
	I've done it both ways.
	I've did it this last year.
	I got fucking wasted September 30th or whatever, and then turned it off.
	The year before, I kind of tapered off a little bit.
	The year before that, I think I didn't drink because the rule is you got to stop drinking at midnight.
	Right.
	So you can't build up to midnight and then go, I'm done.
	That's not going to happen.
	Yeah.
	So like I always tapered off a tad bit.
	But I don't know, man.
	I have a weird thing in my head.
	It's very punitive.
	I'm very punitive.
	And I'm a little obsessive compulsive.
	So like, I'm not drinking right now.
	I'm not going to drink for the next probably.
	I mean, I may.
	I never met anybody drinking here.
	No, no, no, no, no, no.
	I meant this.
	I'm not drinking right now, this time of my life.
	Oh, I see what you're saying.
	We got a lot of work to do, too, right now.
	Yeah, and I have plenty of fucking free time.
	I'm like, dude, last thing I'm going to do is fuck a bunch of free time up with booze.
	Yeah.
	It's like when you go on vacation.
	My biggest mistake when I was younger is I'd go on vacation and get fucking wasted the whole time.
	Come home and be like more tired from the vacation than I was with my wife.
	I went on vacation one time to Hawaii and my wife's like, no booze.
	I did it and I had a fucking blast.
	Up early, jogging, swimming, snoring.
	Snorkeling.
	Oh, it's like the greatest vacation.
	I love snorkeling.
	Oh, dude, Leanne loves snorkeling.
	I'm good out there.
	When I'm out there, I feel like I'm supposed to be out there.
	Me too.
	You know what we did in Fiji?
	We kind of floated the reef where they drop you off and you just kind of cruise with the reef.
	Oh.
	Is Fiji pretty cool?
	Fiji was fucking awesome.
	It was really great.
	Sorry, I'm about to say Fiji.
	Bali.
	Fiji's great too.
	Oh, wow.
	Fiji as well.
	Fiji's amazing, but Bali's fucking legit.
	I don't know.
	I wish I could tell you.
	I talked to Dr. Drew about it, why I get to this place where I shut it down and then I don't.
	And then I'll tell you right now, man, if I don't drink for this whole time we're off or whatever time we're off, I'll have a really hard time starting again.
	Do you feel like you have to drink'cause of your show and'cause of your act?
	I think people would be really, I think people would probably look at me different.
	I think people look at my show as like a reason to tap out and have a good time.
	And I think they, I think.
	Yeah, let's go celebrate.
	I'm also the guy that, like, when I go to a party, like with parents, I'm the guy that gives everyone a license to get a little loaded.
	Yeah.
	And I don't, you can never tell when I'm wasted.
	I mean, I can, but you normally people can't.
	So, so it's, I feel like they go off.
	Your lips get wetter.
	I noticed that one.
	Yeah.
	They do.
	Yeah.
	It's okay, though.
	But, um, but yeah, I don't know how I, I don't know.
	I wish I knew.
	And I've talked to Dr. Drew about it.
	I'm like, am I an alcoholic?
	He goes, I don't think so.
	He goes, but I think you're going to have health problems if you continue the way you do it.
	Yeah.
	So that's why I like turning it off.
	Yeah, he's so smart too, Dr. Drew, isn't he?
	He's, dude, he's the best.
	This whole coronavirus thing, I've been texting him about like mental health shit.
	Yeah.
	You know, I've talked about it, but no one really knows too much about it.
	But like, I definitely have anxiety that sometimes I can't deal with.
	I think that probably leads to me drinking, but there are times where I just like can't deal with it.
	And when this coronavirus kicked off, I was like anxious.
	I was like, I wouldn't leave in the bus.
	I was like, yeah, I'm safe here.
	Like, why would I get out of the bus?
	It's out there.
	But it's where it's just at your place right now?
	Where is it?
	It's at my house right now.
	Yeah.
	But we were driving across country.
	We drew from New Orleans to LA.
	And I just was like, I just wasn't getting out of the bus.
	Wow.
	And they were like, what?
	It was like, they didn't know what was going on because everyone's with me.
	But my head was just chewing the same thoughts over and over again.
	So I called Dr. Drew and he's like, all right, let's talk.
	I go, I'm actually good today.
	Yeah, he's such a nice outlet.
	He's such a really, yeah, just his tone and everything is a good way to communicate.
	We had a question that came up right here from a young woman.
	This is a man, actually.
	Young fella.
	Bert, got a question for you.
	If there's no Tito's available, what's your other go-to drink?
	And Theo, back in your drinking days, what was your go-to drink?
	Gang, gang.
	Gang, bro.
	Well, I like to do a Miller High Life was a beer that I really enjoyed.
	Really?
	And it's in Europe, too.
	And it's a beer that I thoroughly enjoyed was a Miller High Life.
	And I used to live with a man who would eat Tostitos at night and drink Miller Light.
	So sometimes I'd sit in the living room, watch him.
	He didn't know I was sitting there in the dark watching him.
	And he'd be on the computer looking at pornography and shit, eating fucking Tostitos and drinking Miller Light.
	I used to watch him.
	But yeah, when I was drinking, what else did we have?
	A little bit of Mad Dog.
	2020 was kind of popular.
	Ripple.
	A lot of the brothers would fucking let you hit that Ripple jug, you know?
	Yeah.
	But yeah, once we got into college, beer, you know, and then once I got out of there, I went through a gin and tonic phase over there in Charleston, South Carolina.
	Gin and tonics are beautiful.
	Oh, my God.
	What's in them?
	I can't talk too much about booze.
	Like, I'll literally get my hopes up.
	Like, I'll go, like, you can sell me on a drink where I go, I might need one of those.
	I talked to someone today, and he was like, I'm having a white wine.
	I'm on the keys.
	Coronavirus is freaking me out.
	I just woke up.
	I poured a white wine.
	And it's like four in the morning to me.
	Yeah.
	I'm doing a radio tour and I was like, God, I want a fucking glass of white wine.
	Wine.
	Yeah, I don't have a problem getting back on.
	Look, you like me walking my way into back drinking tonight.
	Look, I don't have a problem, man.
	I might drink tonight.
	This would be totally fine.
	But man, gin and tonics.
	Oh.
	They were gin and tonics on Monday night football.
	Oh, really?
	My sister worked.
	It's got a job at Fox.
	We just had Georgia.
	And we used to go over to her house down on Pico.
	My two sisters lived together.
	My sister and I would make gin and tonics.
	And we'd make dinner.
	We'd watch my daughter.
	My wife would go to tennis practice.
	My other sister would come home, and we'd all grill out, have gin and tonics.
	Gin and tonics remind me of Monday Night Football.
	That's awesome, man.
	We'd drink them out at this place, I don't remember what it was called, and just stand out there and look at the grass and have a couple gin and tonics, bro.
	They had like you know, like a lot of like marsh grass and palmettoes and stuff like that.
	This is in South Carolina.
	And we drink nine of them, 11 of them, man.
	Fucking drink those bitches till your eyes wouldn't close.
	It's funny.
	I don't enjoy the tones.
	I had to lay a rag over my eyes to sleep.
	I couldn't get my eyes closed if I had too much gin.
	I couldn't.
	I never, I know, I don't really love the taste of Titos and Sodas.
	I love the taste of a gin and tonic.
	Yeah.
	Like, I love the taste of a Bloody Mary, a strong Bloody Mary, spicy.
	I love that taste.
	I love the taste of a white Russian.
	Oh, yeah.
	I love the taste.
	I just got back into IPAs.
	I wasn't an IPA guy.
	Dude, I had a period where I couldn't drink IPAs because I was drinking one in the morning.
	They used to give these gravity jugs.
	I was taking a shower.
	I had to jump off the stratosphere that day.
	That next day.
	And I was in a shower in Utah, and they called it a gravity jug, and it was like a really strong IPA.
	And I was getting ready to go on a plane.
	I'm drinking in the shower because I don't want to fucking fly.
	I have so much anxiety.
	And I'm running late for the flight, and I drank too much, and I threw up a strong IPA in a shower.
	Just thinking about it.
	It's too much, huh?
	I couldn't drink IPAs for a long time.
	But those tannins and stuff from that oak or whatever gets into your gills.
	Do you know what I miss?
	Because I can't drink it because I'm on blood pressure medicine is grapefruit and vodka.
	Oh, wow.
	Grapefruit and gin is fucking awesome.
	Jeez, you've named every drink on grapefruit.
	Dude, that's very good, bro.
	Jack on the rocks.
	Double jack on the rocks.
	Lots of ice.
	That's my takeoff drink on planes.
	Oh, really?
	Sit down on a plane.
	What do you want, sir?
	I'll take a double jack on the rocks.
	Lots of ice.
	Lots of ice, please.
	These are how I take my.
	These are on my orders.
	This is when you know you drink too much.
	These are my orders, okay?
	Double Tito's soda, big glass, no lime.
	Can I get a double jack on the rocks?
	Lots of ice.
	Can I get a beer, but pour it in the glass?
	Just pour the whole thing in the glass?
	Do not just give me the can.
	Okay, no, no, actually, I think, give me the can.
	Give me the can.
	I'll pour it in the glass.
	God, man, I am really specific about how I take drinks.
	But look, I think it's also, I think men, as they get older, they get specific about how they take everything.
	You know, it's not like, don't give me this, like, just like I'm 19 again.
	It was when you were a kid and you'd have to call your dad and be like, how do I like my steak?
	And you'd be like, medium or air.
	How do I get this tide of work?
	Yeah, how do I do this?
	Now it's like you know exactly how you want things.
	It's just like, okay, this is how I do it or I don't do it at all.
	It was like the first time you ever bought a car and you like, you picked it out.
	Paid cash, boy.
	1984 Ford Escort, dude.
	With no passenger seat.
	Somebody stole it, but it had it when I got it.
	But I think the guy stole it back, the guy I bought it from.
	Really?
	Yeah, I never really went into it, but I do think that.
	But like the first car you bought, like that you went into a dealership and you said like, I'm looking at this.
	And the guy showed you things and you were like, he's like, what color would you like?
	And you had to make all these decisions on your own.
	My first car was a Expedition, an Eddie Bauer black on tan expedition.
	Praise God.
	And I remember looking at it and going, this is the car.
	This is it.
	I want the tan interior.
	Sleep in the back.
	Yeah.
	Oh, I slept in that back a lot.
	I fucked, fucked Leanne in the driver's seat one day.
	Did you really?
	Yeah, she slammed my thumb in the car door, and I didn't care.
	I just kept banging away.
	Middle of the night, that thumb started hurting more than I've ever felt anything hurt.
	And she took a needle, lit it over a match, and pushed it in, popped it, and blood squirted out of my fucking thumb.
	That was the most pain I've, that's probably the most pain I've ever been in my life.
	That fucking thumb.
	Yeah.
	The fingers are really, it's amazing kind of sometimes what's in there.
	You know, you wonder what's in your hands all the time.
	Have you seen that show, My Feet Are Killing Me?
	I don't watch that kind of stuff.
	We've got a question right here from somebody.
	Oh, John Reap.
	Yeah, what up, Theo?
	It's Nick from Melbourne, Australia.
	Cheers, man.
	My question is for Bert.
	Did the LA Marathon did the triathlon?
	What's next?
	Surely we can squeeze a big bike ride or something out of you.
	Gang Gang.
	Gang, brother.
	Yeah, Bert, it's crazy because for one end of the spectrum you hit, you hit the other end of the spectrum too, man.
	Some real pinnacles athletically.
	Yeah, I already rode a bike.
	I rode a bike from Philadelphia to Atlantic City.
	That was fucking.
	It's not that far, is it?
	It was really fucking far.
	It took me five hours.
	Oh, wow.
	Dude, that was probably the hardest thing I've ever done because I had partied the night before, but I was at my biggest I'd ever been weight-wise.
	So I rode it, and it was just, I mean.
	There's a lot of gunplay over there in Philly, too.
	Hour 25 and about, how many miles is it?
	68.4.
	68.4.
	It was fucking five hours and 22 minutes.
	I did it much longer, by the way.
	I think I did it like five hours.
	I almost probably did it in six hours.
	Wow, congratulations, man.
	That's amazing.
	We're talking about swimming the Catalina Channel.
	Me and my buddy.
	You know Dave Williamson, comedian?
	Oh, yeah.
	I do know Dave Williamson, man.
	Dave from Miami.
	He tours with me, and Dave wants to swim the Catalina Channel.
	Wow.
	And I was like, if you're going to train for it, I might as well train for it and see if I can do it.
	I'd rather swim with a guy so if the shark goes after him.
	Oh, yeah.
	And if some people, yeah, you always want to have that shark buddy.
	Like, yeah, let's get in, dude.
	Yeah.
	Well, get a couple tattoos of meat on your legs, and then let's get in.
	Get a packet of blood, just squirt it on him.
	Hey, he's right there.
	He's right there.
	I know what you're looking for.
	This is your third or fourth special.
	My fourth.
	Wow.
	Yeah, my fourth.
	And then.
	What gets easier about them as you go along?
	Really?
	Yeah, it's actually gotten harder, I think, because it's like the comfortably dumb, I just told all the jokes I had.
	Right.
	That was it.
	I was like, just told every jokes.
	I like that.
	My first special, yeah.
	The machine, I had a good length of time between that, like probably, I want to say like eight years or something.
	I don't know when I did the machine, but like maybe seven years, five years, but I had some time.
	And I had this machine story worked out, and I knew that was the end of it.
	I knew that was going to end it.
	And I had these great stories.
	I had these stories that were really working, like fighting a bear, jumping out of a plane with Rachel Ray, the machine.
	So all I needed to do was tether them together.
	And by the way, there's no pressure.
	It was Showtime.
	Everyone was like, no one's going to watch it.
	And no one did.
	But that machine story went viral.
	So then there was like a little bit of an expectation when I did my next one, but not much because Netflix was like, yeah, we'll do a special with you.
	They didn't say, like, we want to do a special.
	They were like, We'll do a special with you.
	So, we did the Secret Time, and the Secret Time was the first ever successful thing I ever did in my life.
	Where I was like, There was the actually, no lie, that was the first successful thing I ever did in my entire fucking career.
	And by the way, I'd been in the business 20 years, and that was the first thing I did that anyone ever did.
	And what determined for you that it was successful?
	I was able to sell a tour.
	I was able to sell I did Secret Time, and then like, I mean, when the machine went viral, that sold out comedy clubs for like two years.
	Wow.
	Two years straight, three years I could do, sell at all comedy clubs.
	And then when I did Secret Time, your team says, all right, we're going to make the leap to theaters.
	And you're like, I don't really give a fuck.
	The money at comedy clubs is just fine.
	And you've got to take a hit unless you do it really successful.
	And when Secret Time came out, I just didn't have the radar to like, I didn't know that people had watched it.
	I didn't know that anyone liked it.
	I didn't know that it was any good.
	I didn't have any idea what I was doing.
	I just did it.
	These were the thoughts I had.
	I had hung out with Dahlia.
	Dahlia said no one watched after 30 minutes of the special.
	So for Secret Time, based on that simple conversation I had with Dahlia, I took all the best material that I had that had been spread throughout with a closer.
	I moved the closer to 22 minutes and I took anything that popped and I moved it up front.
	Like I just, I front-loaded the fuck out of that special.
	And because I did, people got to the closer and were like, well, fuck it, I'll watch the rest of it.
	And so that was like probably the easiest I had because I had no shame about it.
	I didn't promoting the fuck out of it because I didn't, I was like, I've been failing my whole life.
	This is going to fail, but I'm not going to let it fail.
	I'm going to just swing.
	Every attempt I get, I'm going to swing for the fences and try to get it to succeed.
	And then it did.
	And then this one was like, like when you say, this one was really stressful because I was like, I'm trying some different stuff.
	I'm doing the stuff that I do well, like talking about my daughters, talking about my wife, talking about my family, talking about being a bad dad, about drinking.
	We got an adventure story.
	Like, I do all the things, but then I was like, I would watch comics that I loved do the exact same thing that they had done in the previous special, meaning like it was almost like...
	Exact same horse.
	They never changing.
	And they were changing it.
	And it bummed me out because I was like, in my head, silently, I'd go, I thought you were better than that.
	Like, I thought you were better than me.
	And I know I wouldn't do that.
	And Burr was like, fucking, you know, Burr and Rogan are two dudes that have said throwaway things to me that I've hung my fucking hat on.
	Wow.
	And Burr said one time, something to the effect of if you're not challenging yourself, then you're not getting better.
	And if you're not getting better, then why would anyone want to watch you?
	So I legit challenged myself.
	I said, I talked to Stanhope and Stan Hope, he was like, he was drinking one morning, and I was like, what are you doing?
	He goes, I'm writing knock-knock jokes.
	And I went, what?
	He's like, yeah, I'm writing goofs, man.
	Like, just goofs.
	You know, I'm fucking around.
	I'm not writing material.
	I'm just, you know, working with my brain.
	Working his brain, yeah, getting the brain to really do something.
	And he's like, we're as funny as those guys, right?
	We've got to be as funny as those guys.
	I was like, yeah.
	He's like, there's no way they're funnier than we were.
	We're funny.
	So why can't we write knock-knock jokes?
	I went, yeah, why not?
	And then I started getting obsessed with Norm McDonald.
	He's a guy that could write a knock-knock joke.
	Like, he's a guy who could take a standard structured joke and then make it.
	Now, me, I'll speak only for me, but I think all of us, me, Usagura, like our group of guys, Delia, Santino, all of us, we do what we do in our own way, but it's not traditional stand-up.
	And I'm not going to go into that, like go into like, I'm going to do traditional stand-up.
	I was like, I would like to challenge myself to write a guy walks into a bar joke.
	And so I did it, and I think it's good, and I think it's probably the best joke I've ever written, but I don't think you'd know it's a guy walks into a bar joke unless I told you.
	And then you go, oh, shit.
	And so, and like, so I did that.
	I tried to do this thing about this gun bit, which I think is one of the better bits I've ever written.
	I've seen that.
	I believe that I've seen you.
	I seen you do that, but at the comedy store, man.
	I thought it was so good.
	Yeah, and so I just tried to challenge myself.
	And if I succeeded, but if I didn't, then if I didn't, you still got the stuff you loved, but I did.
	And I think these, I think, look, it's exactly what you said about your special.
	That's how I feel right now.
	I'm super proud of this fucking thing, but like, you don't know.
	I don't want to be like some guy that's like.
	And who would I be if I, yeah.
	I think there's definitely a thing of learning to be proud of things.
	And then there's also a thing of constantly, okay, how do I, how am I going to challenge myself again?
	Where am I going to move the bar?
	Am I going to stay in this safe space?
	Take a look at where you've challenged yourself.
	Like, I heard a joke that you threw away the other day.
	And I thought old Theo, someone's telling me this joke.
	They go, it was a throwaway.
	I brought it up to Theo and he's like, oh, yeah, whatever.
	And I thought old Theo would have hung his hat on that joke and that would have been his act.
	And that would have been, he would have said every night on stage.
	Where you are today, because you've challenged yourself and taken fucking big strides, now you're fucking where you're at in stand-ups next fucking level.
	But you got it.
	We always challenge ourselves when we were younger.
	Think about it.
	If you stayed where you were at an open micro and you were like, I'm getting laughs.
	That's what I'll do.
	And we know those guys.
	Then they stayed here the whole time.
	But instead, some guys, you get those laughs in open mics.
	You're like, I'm actually better than those cheap laughs.
	I got this.
	Yeah, the cheap laughs scare me now because sometimes I want to tell a joke.
	I don't know something new to do.
	And I've been on stage that much with it.
	I want to do something new and I'll be like, oh, man, there's a couple of cheap jokes that I really like that five to eight years ago, I'd have been like, oh, definitely.
	But now I'm like, I just can't do that.
	It's not going to make me feel good.
	Dude, when we worked together in San Francisco and you sat down and you told like a solid eight-minute story about that Mexican man that went to school with you.
	Oh, yeah.
	I'm on the floor.
	You would have never had the balls to do that.
	It was like 800 people.
	You would have never had the balls to do that when you first started, but you challenged yourself and challenged yourself.
	And I think we have to keep doing that as comics when we do specials.
	We can't just go, well, Secret Time worked.
	Let me just do a carbon copy of that, change out the punchlines, but same structure.
	That structure works.
	Why wouldn't I do that again?
	Well, I think It's, I think it's, you know, and I might be thinking way too much about it.
	I know that there's probably guys like Rogan will probably be like, dude, just be funny.
	And even after all Burr's advice, he'd be like, bro, just be funny.
	Remember, that's like the rule.
	You don't have to fucking sit here like a workout class.
	Yeah, we don't have to save the world.
	We don't have to, yeah.
	And we just have to be funny.
	But also, at a certain point, you have to make yourself laugh too.
	Yeah, you have to, or you're just not going to care about it.
	You're just not going to be, unless you're a joke writer.
	If you're a storyteller, then I think it's different.
	I think we're storytellers, and I think we take people places.
	And if you want to be a good storyteller, you got to figure out new ways to, I mean, the way you're telling stories now, man, no one's doing it like you.
	And it was the truth, and everyone talks about it.
	Fucking everyone talks about it.
	But you didn't just show up with that.
	You had to work there.
	Right.
	And so why would you ignore that?
	Why would you go, okay, I'm here.
	I'm done.
	I'll just do this for the rest.
	I'll do this exact same thing for the rest of my life.
	But do you ever think, like, oh, am I going to be stuck?
	Do you ever think, though, that I'm going to be stuck here?
	Like, I'm just going to be able to do this?
	Or do you think like, oh, okay, I will continue to evolve?
	Do you ever just wonder for yourself, like, will I continue to evolve?
	I think everybody kind of wonders that.
	Is the gas tank going to run out?
	I feel like that.
	Well, because, you know, I get in my own way.
	Because I did travel channel for so long.
	And then when I got out of travel channel, I was like, I found success in podcasting and stand-up.
	And that was it.
	And I went, fuck it, I'm done.
	And I literally turned a middle finger to everyone in Hollywood.
	And they'd be like, hey, we want you to do this.
	I would pass.
	I want you to do this.
	Pass.
	And then everyone came at me with a project and I passed on everything.
	And then one day I went, I like, I like, I remember someone got like a movie.
	I mean, Tom did a movie maybe or something.
	I only say Tom because I talk to him so much.
	But like, Tom did a movie with Marky Mark.
	And I was like, why would you do that?
	And he was like, well, you got to, you got to try new stuff.
	And I was like, what do you mean try new stuff?
	Like, it's who the fuck wants to be a movie with Mark Wahlberg?
	And he was like, it's a life experience.
	Don't you want to try shit?
	And then I was like, oh yeah, maybe I should, maybe I should also, maybe I have time to also do other stuff.
	And then I was like, okay, like, I'll do, let's do a series.
	And so we did a series with Netflix.
	And then I was like, I was like, oh, maybe we can do a sitcom.
	I wouldn't mind doing a sitcom.
	And then I started going like, hey, I'm cool with doing a movie also.
	Like, I'm not, I can be in this lane and then do other stuff around.
	I got in this mindset where you look at Rogan, who's our fucking, he's our Messiah, man.
	I don't mean that like in a genius way, but like, he's our guy.
	Right, he's a template.
	He's a template, and he's put us all over and gave us all amazing opportunities.
	And every single one of us acknowledge it.
	But in acknowledging it, you also see that path that he carved through stone for himself.
	And you realize, man, if I stay in that path, I got a great life.
	Like, I can just do podcasts, just do stand-up, do spots at the store, the improv, the ice house, and fucking, there is room to grow.
	Yeah.
	But you also got to go, hey, man, I'm also not Joe.
	I'm not the best listener.
	Like, I'm not the best interviewer.
	I don't know what I'm my strength.
	I have no discipline.
	Not as smart.
	I'm not as smart.
	Like, so like, so like, maybe I should also try the things that I'm also really good at.
	And I'm saying that for myself.
	Yeah.
	Myself.
	I'm thinking of myself.
	Yeah.
	Oh, I'm the fucking, I'm a window-licking ninny.
	Like I'm definitely not.
	I'm not saying that you're not as smart, but yeah, we're not as smart.
	I'm not Joe Rogan.
	I'll tell you that, man.
	I found that out many times the hard way.
	Yeah, Slow Rogan, I think.
	I'm Moe Rogan, one of the three Rogans.
	There's Larry something and Mo.
	Slow and Moe.
	That's funny.
	Dude, well, I can't wait to see it, man.
	I haven't watched it yet, but I'm looking forward to it.
	Appreciate it, man.
	The last special I watched was Jim Gaffigans, and I really, really loved it.
	The one he did on Amazon, I thought, was really good.
	I love, dude, I love Gaffigan's one of the greats.
	Goddamn, he's one of the greats, man.
	Yeah.
	He really is.
	You want to talk about growth?
	He was not who he is today when he started.
	Some of my favorite jokes of his were dirty jokes.
	You ever go back to high school and all the kids want to call you the nickname they called you in high school, but you grew out of it?
	And you're like, hey, guys, not anymore.
	And they're like, well, if it is an old sheep fucker, he goes, one of my favorite Jimmy African jokes, he goes, hey, ladies.
	You ever go to the park on a Sunday and see that guy walking around with his shirt off with a snake around his neck and go, man, I want to have sex with that guy.
	And they're like, no.
	And he goes, oh, hey, fellas, anyone want to buy a snake?
	Jim Gaffigan is the funniest fucking guy alive.
	He's so funny.
	He's so fucking funny.
	And he's been touring for, what, 15 years?
	Oh, he's been, dude.
	He's been touring.
	He just quit to do movies.
	I watched his most recent movie.
	He's been doing movies.
	He's been doing movies the whole time.
	Did you see the one where he killed the baby?
	No, I didn't see that one.
	I saw the one where he's the Uber driver, though.
	That's where he's a baby.
	Oh, I didn't notice the baby part.
	Is that a big part of the movie?
	It's a big part of the movie.
	The baby dying.
	That's how he got some in it.
	It's good, man.
	I watched the whole thing.
	Nobody saw the whole thing.
	I'm going to watch the movie.
	Uber baby, and he put some trash away quickly and cried.
	Oh, it was good.
	It was great, man.
	He was in Super Troopers.
	Was he?
	Yeah, they talk about it.
	They said he flew in in a private jet, came in, shot a scene, walked off.
	It was super cool, walked off, got in a private jet, went back.
	And they were like, thank you.
	Yeah.
	Damn.
	Dude, hey, I got to be honest with you, man, to end this podcast.
	As a fan of yours since day one, you know, I've been a day one fan.
	Yeah.
	I fucking love watching you blow up, man.
	Oh, thank you.
	It's so fucking fun.
	It's so fucking fun.
	You make me giggle so hard.
	I was telling you, you and that Tommy Lauren fucking interview.
	Oh, yeah.
	I watched you in TJ.
	I love your podcast.
	You're killing it, bro.
	You're killing it.
	Well, thanks for just being so supportive, man.
	And thanks for just, yeah, like being supportive over the years and being like, you know, just kind of a leader in this whole industry.
	I mean, you do the same thing.
	You know, you work really hard.
	And you're one of the guys, too, that I think a lot of people think about like, oh, this guy works so hard.
	I think we're all put.
	I think this will be the next few weeks will be the test of like, let's see who can work the hardest because we got to produce something.
	We're all doubling down on podcasts.
	Maybe write a script or fucking shoot some shit.
	Who knows?
	It would be great if all of us did a project together.
	It seems like if we wrote something and just funded something ourselves, I think people would dig it.
	I would love a big movie, almost like DC Cab.
	Remember DC Cab?
	I don't remember it at all.
	It was great.
	Charlie Barnett was in it.
	Mr. T was in it.
	Bill Maher was in it.
	Oh, it was so fucking great.
	It was about a cab company.
	See, something like that would be great.
	I thought of like a wrestling league, like it's sputtering out, and it's like the last legs of it.
	The last few wrestlers are us.
	The last few wrestlers are us, and it's just the dying last couple of fights.
	We get a wig for Rogan, and he's got long, stringy, balding hair.
	Oh, that would be great.
	I like that.
	Joey Diaz is a manager.
	It's tremendous.
	You cock sucker.
	Just some shit wrestling league.
	We're all just beating Bobby Lee.
	Oh, that's not a bad script.
	Oh, it would be so good.
	Hey, have anyone heard that?
	Let's make that movie.
	Yeah, somebody wants to fund.
	Yeah.
	Somebody want to come in with a $2 million budget, man.
	We can get that thing made.
	Yeah.
	Well, maybe not made totally because we can't be around each other in groups of 10. What if we did a movie where people all have to be six feet away from each other during the shooting of it?
	Ooh.
	We'll call it ski school.
	And we'll all be in skis six feet away from us.
	Okay, dude.
	I think we're out of ideas, dude.
	Burt Kraiser, I love you too, man.
	Congrats on the new special.
	Thank you, Theo.
	And congrats on all your effort and work.
	And thanks for being here today.
	Thank you.
	Yeah, man.
	Now I'm just folding on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
	I must be cornerstone.
	Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind I found I can feel it in my bones.
	But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking break and let myself on wine shine that light on me.
	I'll sit and tell you my stories shine on me and I will find a song.

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