Theo is back from the east coast to talk about his idea of heaven now compared to when he was young, his shows in New Jersey & Maryland, and his hobbies.
Upload Video Questions for Chris Distefano http://bit.ly/ChrisDistefano_Questions Upload Video Questions for TJ Miller http://bit.ly/TJ_Miller_Questions Theo is back from the east coast to talk about his idea of heaven now compared to when he was young, his shows in New Jersey & Maryland, and his hobbies. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New Merch https://theovonstore.com ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Betterhelp Visit https://Betterhelp.com/Theo to receive 10% off your first month ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Outro “Anything You Want” - Bishop Gunn ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://bit.ly/TPW_VideoHotline ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Patreon Gunt Squad Name Aaron Rasche Alex Bmayer Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Amy Love Andrew Valish Anthony Holcombe April Schultze Ashley Konicki Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Streit Brandon Woolsey Brian meek Chad Kleier Christopher Becking Christopher Burton Cody Anderson Cody Kenyon Crystal David Christopher Dentist the menace Dionne Enoch Dusty Baker Eric Tobey Gillian Neale Ginger Levesque Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter James Schneider Jameson Flood Jayme Sta Jeremy Weiner Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joey Piemonte Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan Josh Nemeyer Joy Hammonds Julie Ogden Justin Doerr Kevtron Kyle Baker Kyle McGreevy Lacey Ann Lawrence Abinosa Lea Rashka Leighton Fields LJ Logan Yakemchuk Madeline Matthews Matt Nichols Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Miles Sadler Mona McCune myinitialsareOKbutimnot Nicholas Leach Nick Roma Noah Bissell Passenger Shaming Qie Jenkins Raye Vella Ruben Prado Ryan Hawkins Sagar Jha Scott Turnbull Shane Pacheco Shona MacArthur Stephen Trottier Suzanne O'Reilly Tanner Marvel Taryn Feingold Theo Wren Thomas Adair Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Tito Liebowitz Tom Cook Tom Kostya Tugzy Mills Vanessa Amaya Vince Gonsalves William Reid Peters Yvonne Zeke Harris
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Premature Nick showing up early with these bevs, boy.
Shout out, Nick, that Iggy Azale, huh?
Oh, come on, guy.
This guy's lost his mind.
This guy has lost his mind.
Yeah, I got me.
Sorry, I got to give me a couple nice beverages right here.
And I got that green machine or something, whatever they call it.
And I got the brown one, too, with the protein in it.
And I'm bevin'.
So if you hear somebody slizzerping over here or somebody catching a dram or somebody just adding their own human drip over here, that's me.
That is me.
Oh.
Man, I can't, dude, when my heaven now, my heaven used to be different.
My idea of heaven.
My idea of heaven used to be different.
And first, let me just let you know where we are.
This past weekend.
And thank you guys for joining us here.
I'm Theo Vaughn, and I'm part of this past weekend.
And when I was young, my heaven now, when I was young, heaven was different.
I thought, oh, you go to heaven.
The first thing I thought about, honestly, was the food.
I thought about the food.
Because you know, if I'm going all of that way and I'm dying to even get into the joint, they better have some entrees.
You feel me?
They better have a couple soup douge and douge mine, baby.
We all better be having soup.
And that's the first thing I thought about when I was a child.
When I thought about heaven, I thought, oh, man, they're going to have all the different, you know, you have a breakfast item right here.
And you have a little over there.
You got an extra chocolate area if you want to run through there and get some chocolate or do that or whatever.
You know, I just thought they have spare rib, that kind of stuff.
I'd never even had spare rib, but I'd heard about it.
And sometimes if you met like a rich man or something like that when you were young and you smelled his breath, you might catch that hit of SR off that bad boy.
I'm talking about spare rib.
And you get that just, oh, okay.
I see what y'all doing at home.
Y'all got a little bit of cash at the house.
But that's what I thought about heaven when I thought about heaven.
When I was a child, my heaven had all kind of, they had food.
They had a big table with food on it.
And then what else?
Sorry.
They had a lot of clouds, I remember.
My heaven, it was a cloudy heaven, like, and not like, I guess, not like 70% chance of rain or anything like that.
It was overcast but fluffy.
That was my idea of heaven.
It was overcast but fluffy and kind of warm.
Like probably clouds that were maybe, you know, 400 count or 200 count or at least 80 count.
Dude, I got some pillows at home.
These bastards are probably about four count.
You can feel the quills from the, I don't even know what animal it was.
It said it was goose, but I bet it's a little bit more of a warbler.
It seemed like they plucked about 2,000 warblers and threw these feathers into the pillow.
But if you lay in one position, then that quill comes out and gets you.
You got to turn.
It's like, oh man, right then, note, note, note.
And finally, you get in the right spot with no quills.
And that's when you're like, oh, hell, yeah.
Come on, boy.
Now we living.
Now we're living, just laying in the Lord's lap, baby, when you get that nice, comfortable pillow.
I can't believe people don't have pillows installed around our head or neck.
People get tattoos all the time.
Oh, that ain't comfortable.
You see somebody with a tattoo.
It's nice.
It's artistic.
It's drawing.
But it isn't, you know, it's not comfortable.
If I saw somebody got a pillow sewn into the back of their head, come on, boy, I'd be right.
Look, I would understand it.
I say, oh, yeah.
I see what you're doing there.
You just got that big, just that.
That way, anyway, somebody, even if you fall down, you have that nothing.
Stay down.
You trip over something, stay down.
Now you're napping.
There's definitely a beauty, I think, of, you know, I think there's just going to be new things we're going to start doing in the future that we're not doing yet.
Where we're taking care, you know, sew a pillow to your head or, you know, add maybe some piping or something on the outside of our knees and legs to give us more sturdy.
Because people aren't that sturdy.
Run and push someone, I bet you they fall over.
Nine out of ten times, if you run and push somebody, that bitch is going down.
But then change your game up, change your vibe up.
If they got, you know, a couple of pieces of PVC pipe hooked on each leg, baby, who knows what could happen?
It might take you a half hour to really bring them down to the ground.
So anyway, just kind of, but what was your idea of heaven when you were young?
You know, what was it?
And what is it now?
That's what I think.
Now, my idea of heaven, No emails.
No emails.
No smartphones.
Just dumb phones.
Remember the dumb phone?
Do you remember the dumb phone?
You had to go over to it.
It was making a loud noise.
You had to pick it up.
And somebody would ask.
They got to ask for one person.
Is Randy there?
Nah, and you could lie to him, but you could lie so easily.
Even if you were Randy, you could be like, Randy ain't here.
Oh, you got the wrong number.
We don't even have a Randy around here.
Let me see if Randy is here.
Randy?
Nope, he ain't here.
Remember that, man, with the dumb phone.
You could, anything.
The dumb phone, and also, if you answered, you didn't want to talk to somebody, you could wrap the cord.
It had a cord.
You could wrap the cord around your neck.
T-Y-O-L, bruh.
Take your own life right there.
You're like, dang, man.
What happened to Bert?
You'd be like, well, somebody called.
He couldn't handle it.
And now he's in heaven.
But yeah, that's my heaven.
No email.
Dumb phones only.
And what else?
Still food.
And I'm thinking now more nachos, more chicken picata, maybe.
Where else?
What else would I have?
Definitely still the desserts, but more of like, I would go with a coconut.
When I was young, it could be anything, just sugar.
It could be a table full of sugar.
I don't even care.
Just let me stick my head in it for about 19 seconds.
You know, I don't even care.
I don't care if they just put a bunch of laughy taffy under my tongue and punch me right in the mouth.
You know, when you're young, you don't care.
But now when I'm older, I want my heaven to be a little bit more, I don't know.
I guess I just want different things in it.
I want, you know, I definitely want a lot of people there.
But honestly, dude, if somebody's real chatty, you could DH them, bro.
Put them in a different heaven.
Because I ain't, when I go to heaven, dude, I ain't doing a ton of listening.
Okay, I want a quiet heaven.
So if y'all want to get a different heaven, if they got kind of a more urban heaven or something, then y'all can do that.
But I'm staying in that low, just kind of mild, maybe a breeze.
The loudest thing is a breeze.
You know, maybe a breeze that could sing.
So it's just kind of lonely teardrops.
You know, a breeze that kind of just could also, you know.
You got that yummy.
Her branches green beside me.
Like, I don't want anything real loud in my heaven.
But we'll see, man.
And I want the joy there, too.
I want everything to be joyous.
I probably won't even be able to judge when I'm in heaven now.
There won't be as much judgment.
Gosh, that would be nice.
To have less judgment.
Imagine somebody's just, imagine that.
That would be really just the biggest piece in my whole heart and brain.
If there was less judgment inside of me.
Because if you crack me open, dude, you got about a thousand judies fall out, bruh.
Because I'm judgment.
I'm judgment, bruh.
Dude, if you saw me at a flavor for ice cream, I'm judgment chocolate chip, papa.
I just, it's hard not to judge sometimes, you know, it's hard.
But also, the judgment of me allowed me to be able to do stand-up comedy and do comedies.
So there's, you know, it's, that's double sword, man.
But, but yeah, what was your heaven like now?
Do you have a different heaven?
And now I think more there is, when you're a kid, a heaven is just, they got animals there, but you could pet them more, I think.
They have alligators, but they're not dangerous.
You might see an alligator and he's, you know, if you ask him if he's ever eaten like a human, he would, he would tell you, but he would, he wouldn't just tell you in front of everybody.
He would kind of whisper to you later or kind of write it on a, you know, maybe on a on a napkin or something or something and give it, slip it to you.
Say, yeah, I've had a little bit of, you know, you know what I'm saying?
I've had a couple Viettes by the river, you feel me?
I've had a couple bad bitches came down by the water.
And I was on, right.
But I think, you know, it's just different now because what am I talking about, but I don't know.
But yeah, if you have it, what was your heaven?
Did you have a different heaven when you were young as to what your heaven idea is now?
You know, now my heaven has more like loved ones in it.
It's not just about what I want.
It's more, I think, about a little bit of, you know, there's other people I want to make sure everybody, you know, gets in.
You know, it's like, I don't know.
Anyway, if you ever thought on what your heaven was like as a child, maybe, if you had an idea of heaven and if what it's like now.
And some people, you don't believe in heaven.
That's fine.
You out here working, just kind of milling around, baby.
That's, it doesn't sound fun to me.
I like more of like a, you know, that's, I'm a romantic.
You know, I'm a romantic.
So, but what else?
Just got off the road, man.
I'm tired.
And I am tired.
And sometimes I pretend I'm not tired, dog.
I'm tired.
I'm tired.
I could use somebody to just stitch a real big ass pillow to the back of my head, son.
That'd be nice, wouldn't it?
But I think we'll see that as the future goes along.
We'll see more accoutrements that are built onto us to help us live through the daily day.
Because it's amazing we still have to wear like a SPF to fight the sun.
You would think that they would have some sort of an enzyme or something we could just put right into us, an injectable or even like a spare layer of skin that we could just kind of roll on, you know, or dip ourselves in once a year.
Like, what'd you get for Christmas?
Oh, I got dipped, you know, so, oh, okay.
So no sunblock for you.
You could just do whatever you want.
Yeah, you know, you know.
But then all the ladies will be like, they only want to date guys that have been dipped, and they don't want to see some poor guy just rubbing, you know, doing it the old way, just laying that, just that human drywall cream, that SPF.
You know, it'll be different.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
But I never have, boy.
Gang.
Thank everybody that came out this weekend.
We had a great time traveling over there on the eastern side.
And where did we go, man?
Oh, we went to Oxen Hill.
No, we went to Red Bank, New Jersey.
Yeah, we went over there, Red Bank, New Jersey.
And that show had originally been over for Sayersville, where people say stuff and, you know, and that's what they do.
But this, Red Bank was, it was good, man.
We came out with that hot hit right out the gate.
And we had a young fella brought out a single mom, Maria.
We brought her out.
And we're going to do something nice for her.
So that was really great.
What else?
I had a friend of mine, Brittany, brought out her fiancé and her whole family.
And they came out and she brought her mother out.
And, you know, just some good Jersey people, a little bit of cheetah print, some perfume, bruh, you know, kind of stuff.
Make you really make me feel real vri.
You know, make you feel real vriile, bro.
Make a lot of your blood kind of crawl in your extremities, bruh.
You know what I'm saying.
So just really nice.
It was nice.
A lot of, just great people.
I want to thank everybody that came to that show.
That was that hard hitter.
And dude, in the winter, if you go through like when you're driving along through like New Jersey and all of that, a lot of the woods and stuff, there's a lot of factories and woods.
So you could see a factory like, oh, what are they making?
And a guy's like, oh, we make socks over there.
That's a sock plant.
Like, damn, y'all in there making socks, dude.
That's crazy.
Because you see these guys, they're all tough and sweaty and this and that.
Like, oh, what's going on?
You know, nothing.
Bah, bruh, bah, baa.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
But then you find out they're making socks.
It kind of like, damn, what y'all doing then?
You know, but, you know, much respect, man.
A lot of sock makers out there that's, it's, you know, it's not anybody could do it, I guess.
But yeah, you see, you know, different, they got smoke coming out.
And all, they got a lot of plants.
They got petroleum over there.
They got guys making salve and making, you know, what else?
What other plant did we find?
Somebody that worked at a jam factory making jams and jellies.
I say, dang, bro.
And this dude was so skinny, too, the guy I met.
He working over there for Smucker or whatever, or some bootleg jam company.
You know, some off-brand jam.
You know, Shiny's Jam.
You know, or Sparky's Jelly.
You know, or Robert's Sweet Spread.
You know, some guy working over there at some halfway house jam outfit where they probably got, you know, 12-step meetings in the evening.
But, yeah, you know, they just had different factories and people came out.
So a lot of beautiful, good people came over there to Red Bank.
And actually, we had a call that came in about it.
Let me hear that.
Here we go, gang.
Hey, Theo.
This is Argash from Minneapolis.
What's up, Origas?
And that is a very special name.
Aurgas, it sounds like something out of the Greek.
You know, oh, Aurgas.
You know, we used to have to go.
He lived on the mountain.
And we had to go up there to get a bag of lightning from him or something.
Or get a couple grams of olives or whatever.
You know what I'm talking about?
Fables, fablery.
Let's hear more, Oregas.
Thank you for calling in.
Minneapolis.
I don't know if you've ever been to Minneapolis, man, but it's a good place.
A lot of fish out there.
A lot of lakes.
And it used to be a big lake, but it dried up.
So now they have a bunch of tons of little lakes.
So you have a lot of fish that got displaced from their families because they were swimming over here looking for something.
And then the lakes, things dried up.
And now, you know what I'm saying?
They'll never see their grandfather.
So if you put your ear up to the water over there, you can really hear a lot of the it's almost like a swan, you know, you can hear a little bit of the sadness of just kind of what's occurred there amongst those water critters.
Let's hear more, brother onward.
I saw your February 27th show in Red Bank, New Jersey with my best friend.
He and I made an agreement a long time ago that we would see our favorite comedian together if one of them ever had a show near one of us.
Okay.
So that's a unique agreement, too.
A lot of men don't make an agreement like that, I don't think.
We would see a show if he was near Us and we would see a show if he came near us.
Let's hear it.
After a lot of grinding, we were finally financially stable enough to do that.
So I flew out to meet him in the flesh for the second time and to see your show.
I loved every second of that shit.
Wait, hold on, let me hear one part again.
You met him.
Meet him in the flesh for the second time.
So you met him in the flesh for the second time.
This is your best friend, you said, buddy.
So dang.
What, dude?
So I'm thinking, how do you, if you don't, I mean, I guess, yeah, you can have a best friend you don't know.
You know, you could have a best friend you don't know.
That's a unique way to do it.
That's a special, you know, that's like almost like, I guess it's like believing in ghosts or something.
Hey, you got to meet my friend Todd.
I haven't met him, but that don't mean shit.
You feel me?
I guess you could do that.
Hey, you got to meet Gary, bro.
I don't know him.
There you go.
But no, man, I'm glad you guys were able to piece this together, and I'm glad I could be that glue.
I'm glad I could be that secret sauce that brings a couple of mystery bad boys together.
The flesh for the second time.
And to see your show.
I loved every second of that shit.
We sat third row and laughed the whole time.
And we definitely enjoyed that thick-ass booty.
He was sick.
Loved it.
But thank you for an amazing night out with a friend.
And thank you for all the dark holes, your soft voice, and magical amazing.
Whoa, daddy.
Thank you, brother.
Thank you.
Thank you for calling.
And this sounds like a sound real homoerotic, brother, to be honest with you, at the end.
And I'm not really, I'm not judging you, but I'm definitely saying that it's super obvious.
If you're not a gay man, then you're surprised.
You're probably surprising a lot of people.
Because a lot of people probably think you are.
That you love men and you are a man.
Which is fine, man.
You know, I don't even think, I mean, a lot of women are making it, you know, it's damn, bro.
This your best friend, dude.
It sounds like y'all are lovers, bro, buddy.
It sounds like you guys are sexual men.
And that's, you know, that's something.
It's a way.
Hey, look, there's more than two ways to freaking Philae a falcon, you feel me?
So if you had to get, if you get out there with another man, especially in Minneapolis, it's cold out there.
Sometimes it gets so cold, your eyes freeze.
You don't know who you're fucking.
You might be fucking somebody for a couple months and then your eyes thaw out and you're like, damn, what's going on, Christopher?
So, but I'm glad you guys were able to make it, buddy.
I'm glad y'all able to make it, boy.
That's important.
And I'm going, look, honestly, dude, if two men want to meet up and fuck after my show, dude, they can do it.
They can do it.
You know, y'all want to do that?
Y'all want to be wild and stuff like that and cut the lamps off or maybe leave one lamp on so you can still see some of that ass meat, brother?
Then do what you got to do, bud.
Do what you got to do, Bradley.
Do what you got to do, Ernesto.
You know, I don't care.
Do what you got to do.
Y'all want to do that?
Do it, do it, do it, do it.
So, have fun, man.
I'm glad you guys had a good time.
I'm glad you guys had a good time, man.
Amen, brother.
Praise God.
All right, man, let's hit one more call that came in.
What up, DF?
This is Derek from Richmond, Virginia.
What's up, Derek?
Over there out of Richmond.
And Richmond is a lot of presidents buried there.
More presidents buried in Richmond than anywhere else in America.
Over there at the Hollywood Cemetery, I believe.
And I went there one time, actually, probably seven years ago or something, with a comedian.
And he was an urban fella, and he got bit by a dog there on the property.
So, let's hear more.
I'm leaving D.C. right now.
Just saw you at the MGM last night.
And, man, it was.
Oh.
Okay, let's hear more.
It was such a great show.
It was so much fun.
My girlfriend got me the tickets for Christmas, and I've just been looking forward to it all weekend.
And you killed it, dude.
It was so much fun.
I laughed the whole entire time.
My girlfriend was laughing the whole time.
Even afterwards, went in there to take a piss, and me and all these random dudes are just holding our dicks and pissing them some porcelain and just talking about how great the show is and how much we love you.
So just keep it up, man.
Everything you're doing is great.
Dang, man.
What is going on, man?
I think our audience is changing.
Yeah, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, man.
Thank you so much for coming out, dude.
And look, to be honest, man, that MGM show was tough.
You know, the security at the venue was lackluster, I felt like.
One of the security guard, people were hitting me messages later said that he was asleep by the stage.
So, you know, it was a big, just a, you know, there was just a lot of, I mean, this guy was just a lot of running backs, you know, a lot of skill position players.
And this guy, this, just bad security, man.
So that was a, and it was Ari's least favorite show.
The opener, Ari Manis.
He said of all the places we've ever been, that was his least favorite.
Or not least favorite show, but least favorite experience.
But, But yeah, I just felt bad because people at the front were so loud.
There was some guy who was a complete alcoholic that really wrecked a lot of the show.
This real selfish dude up by the front, honestly.
And I know I'm kind of, you know, but fuck that dude also.
You know, like, kind of like, I don't know, maybe I should, but also fuck the guy because he just yelling shit the whole time.
You know, it wasn't about me.
He was making it about him.
And that was just a tough one for me, Ben.
And it was just the venue.
It was so loud.
And there was some guy in the front dressed like the wolf of Wall Street.
No, like American, like Christian Bales in, what is it?
It's not Tuck Everlasting.
What is that movie he was in?
Where he throws a liquor on the lady in the bathtub and he's a murderer.
American.
American gangster?
No.
What is that?
American something.
But yeah, I just, they had two extremely drunk women in the front.
It was what it was, look, man.
It was what it was.
That's what it was.
But what's important is I felt like everybody in the back had a blast.
And the people right in the front, it was really hard for them to stay involved.
But yeah, man, look, I gave him all on that show.
I broke out everything I had.
I gave him all.
I was fighting to keep it up.
But it's just tough sometime at the venue when you got to police the crowd so much and then you can't focus on your on doing the on being entertaining.
But I'm glad you had fun, man.
I'm glad you and them fellas was in there holding y'all's meat.
And just talking about me, I guess, man.
Damn, this episode, we really, maybe everybody's gay, bro.
You know, maybe everybody's gay, dude.
I don't know, man, but.
And look, I think especially like Minneapolis, if it gets cold enough, man, that's not gay, really.
If it's two degrees and Steven and Wallace suddenly are having sex, are they gay men or are they doing their best because it's cold?
You know what I'm saying?
You have to, everything comes into account.
But that was very sweet of your girl to get you this ticket, and I'm glad that you had a great time, man.
I had a great time.
I just always, I wanted to be the best.
And it just, the staff at the venue, that just wasn't, honestly, I thought they did a shitty job.
I didn't think they did their job.
So, gang shit, bruh.
All right, we got a Patreon question came in right here.
But first, let me tell you about BetterHelp.
This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.
BetterHelp will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist.
You can start communicating in under 24 hours.
It's not a crisis line.
It's not self-help.
It is professional counseling done securely online.
And sometimes we all need help.
You know, we all need help sometimes.
You know, it's funny, my mother texted me the other day and she said, that's what she just kind of said.
We'd been having a conversation about stuff and she said, you know, we all need help sometimes.
And man, it just really, that really resonated with me.
We really do.
And better help is an opportunity.
If you don't have therapy or counseling in your area or you're afraid to go see one, you think it's lame, you think it's gay, bro, you think it's this or that, then this is an option.
It's online.
It's on the phone.
It's over FaceTime.
It's not a crisis line.
It's professional counseling.
You can log into your account anytime and send a message to your counselor.
It's available worldwide.
It's committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches so they make it easy and free to change counselors if needed.
BetterHelp wants you to start living a happier life today.
Visit betterhelp.com slash Theo.
That's better H-E-L-P and join the over half of million people taking charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional.
Special offer for this past weekend listeners.
Get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash Theo.
And this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we all need help sometimes, man.
I think it's easier to get help, but it's hard to like to say it almost sometimes.
It's hard to say, I need help.
You know, there's a story about they had this man, Ronald Ochsner, I think was his name.
And there's a hospital down in New Orleans called Ochner.
And they spell it some way that it's impossible that you would ever know how to pronounce it unless somebody told you.
But then that's vintage Louisiana.
You know what I'm saying?
That's why Louisiana is so special, because if you want to know something about it, some of the words and this and that are so confusing, you got to hear it firsthand from somebody.
And that's what makes it a community effort.
That's what gives it that vibe, is there's so much mystery hidden in the way that they put the wording together that you have to have somebody explain it to you or somebody to be there to help you experience it.
And that's what gives it its core, really, of connection and tourism and stuff like that that you find there, Louisiana.
But this man, Ron Ochner, he was a doctor, famous doctor.
Like if you saw somebody that was doing well, They're like, wow, man, how are you doing so well?
They say, well, I went to see him, Ron Ochner.
And he started a hospital, and he was like the smartest doctor.
He was like the smartest doctor around.
And one day he was at a convention and they were serving, they had London broil as the premier meat at the function, luncheon, function luncheon, the luncheon.
And he was choking.
He started choking on it.
He started choking on a piece of that broil.
You know, just that hot, just a hot try tip was just really, really trying him.
And he went in the bathroom and choked to death at a convention of doctors because he was too embarrassed to check in and see what was up.
He was too embarrassed to just say to somebody else, so he died in the bathroom and choked to death.
But just a reminder that, yeah, sometimes we need help and sometimes the hardest part is to ask for it.
Like if somebody would have walked in on him and seen him struggling, he'd have said, yeah, I need help.
But to go out and present yourself as something that is not that's imperfect or that isn't perfect, you know, that's the, that's really the that's one of the real toughest points is just that just surrendering and saying, yes, help me.
You know, I can't, I need air, I need this, I need love, I need peace, I need vision, I can't see for myself, I can't, whatever I'm seeing isn't clear, something's wrong, I need help, but anyway, that's what's going on.
We got a Patreon question from Joey Piemont, and I know he does Hangover Candle Company, and they've supplied us with so many candles, and I want to say thank you, Joey, for those.
Beautiful.
And he said, Theo, you stay so busy and give us so much content.
When is there a bit of extra time just for yourself?
Do you have any hobbies?
Well, honestly, I wasn't even going to do this episode today.
I was going to just chill.
And we came in because we didn't need it for ads because we have a guest episode this week with Chris DiStefano tomorrow and TJ Miller coming up.
So if you have any questions for those guys, hit the hotline or send us a video through the website of video question.
Or you can hit up Real Nick Davis on Instagram and ask him how to send a video question for either one of those guys.
You know what I just started doing?
I started reading more.
I'm going to try to focus more on my AA program now that I have, now that a lot of the big touring is over.
I started playing chess the other day on my computer.
Actually, not the other day, maybe about two weeks ago.
And I like it.
It's just me against the computer, and it's just regular level.
But I like it.
You know, I like just, I want my brain to think about other stuff than work.
And so those are things that I'm doing.
You know, I'm going to Maui this weekend to do a show, and then I'm going to relax and work on meditation and go to some AA meetings.
Sometimes it's like you, you, and I don't think of it as giving myself, but you, yeah, there's so much output that I don't even know what's going on inside of myself sometimes.
So I want to do some kind of just human accounting and balance the books inside of myself a little.
And I hope to focus on a little bit of that more as the future comes along soon now.
Another question we have here.
Michelle Mildred from Patreon said, do you have bougie requests for snacks or decor in your green room?
If not, if you could have a dream green room set up, what would be in there?
Like if you were an insanely big rock band like the Stones or like Crystalia, what would you require to be in there before you go to your green room?
Money is no object.
Well, I don't know if I would care.
Well, Crystalia, probably it's easy for him to have whatever he wants in his green room because he was born in a green room.
If you don't know that about him, when he was born, there was everything there.
Snacks.
Oh, little pitchers of milk and different types of milk.
You know, oh, you want some cutter cheeses?
Oh, you're a newborn.
Who cares?
Here's half a handful of brie.
Because that's how Chris...
Oh yeah.
*giggle*
That's how he, you know, because them fancy boys, that's how they present them to the world.
They come out of one vagina and then another one, another one, it's this big.
And then another vagina has a trumpet in it.
It's just playing a trumpet.
But you know me, boy, I had a freaking elbow crawl, dude.
I had elbow crawl.
And that was it, bruh.
They had half a Winston on the way out of my mother's son.
That's how I came out.
There wasn't nobody.
There wasn't even a doctor out there.
My mom was at work when I was born.
She said, well, go on home.
I'll meet you home.
I'll meet you home.
What?
She said, pick up something if you want.
Stop by the Popeye's.
Get in a fight with a big sister if you need whatever you need.
Get a two-piece.
And get in a fight with somebody.
Get your arm stuck in somebody's weave.
Do what you got to do, fam.
I said, dang, so I learned to walk out of necessity.
But yeah, in different green rooms, different things.
I have simple stuff in mind.
I have a little bit of berries in there, raspberry, or blueberry, or blackberry.
And I have some sliced turkey on a plate.
And that's what I like.
And coffee, but I think I might be allergic to coffee.
So I've been having a back off of that.
But that's it.
Those are the things that I have.
Oh.
Yeah, I wasn't going to do this episode, but honestly, I'm not even joking.
The reason I did was because this is what we do.
You know, sometimes we don't want to show up and we show up.
You know, sometimes we don't want to show up, but we show up.
And honestly, I feel better now than when I was uncertain if I wanted to or not to do the episode.
Let's take a call off of this one.
Here we go.
The hotline is always 985-664-9503.
Yeah, what up, Theo?
It's your boy Bubba from Orange County.
Bubba from the OC, huh?
Hmm.
And we used to have a fellow by us growing up named Bubby Jenkins.
And his brother drove a Bush Light truck.
And Bubby was real.
He had a real, he was real edgy.
He was real edgy as a child.
We're all edgy in our neighborhood.
I mean, I'm surprised if you'd have tested our neighborhood for a cliff or a steep embankment or drop off nearby, we'd have tested positive.
Because we was on edge, baby.
We was edgy.
And Bubby had a low basketball goal by his house, and we'd go there and dunk on it.
And we would dunk on each other, and then everybody would just end up beating the shit out of each other just because, you know, fouls and everything and just being poor.
But anyway, what you got, Playboy, Bubba?
I'm just wondering what are your thoughts on this virus, bro?
You think it's coming for you?
You doing any precautions to take care of yourself?
I just want to know what you got.
That coronavirus, man, COVID-19.
Well, I don't know if you guys know or not, but the primate center that I grew up around in Covington, Louisiana, and they had us out there wrangling chimps.
And when I was probably, I don't even know.
I don't even know how tall I was, maybe titty high on a middle-aged woman.
You know, top of the titty.
But, you know, they gave that same center where monkeys escaped in my hometown growing up.
They gave them $40 million to fight this virus or to try and cure it.
Dude, I'm telling you this, man.
In my town, bro, they ain't curing shit, man.
You know what I'm saying?
No doubt.
I'm not saying, but look, they got a Popeye's four blocks from the freaking primate center.
Nobody's curing shit around there.
I'm not saying they're not doing a decent job or this or that or they're not going to test and do the test and stuff.
But look, if you come down by the Chufuncta River and you expect us to solve it all, save the world, we're not doing that.
We don't do that.
We want the monkeys to have a little fun.
We want everybody to flare up a little.
We're doing Mardi Gras.
We're doing recipes.
We ain't doing all of the bullshit, saving everybody.
That's not us.
Somebody has to go.
Somebody has to go to heaven.
Somebody has to go to hell.
I grew up in the stray animal belt.
I grew up in an area where the number one currency is anecdotes and stories and memories.
You know, that's the vibe of Louisiana.
It's about the fun and about the mystery.
And so that's what you get around us.
So you come down and you can pump $200 billion.
You could put a billion dollars in.
200 billion, baby, or 1 billion.
And look, I'm telling you, you'd be better off just buying you a dozen of fresh oyster with a little bit of bread pudding dessert and calling it a wrap, son.
And save you, monkey.
And save you money, too.
But what do I think about the coronavirus?
Here's what I think.
I think we'll never know right now how real things are or how real things aren't.
I don't believe you could trust.
I do not believe that you could trust news out of China.
I do not believe that you could trust mainstream media to tell you anything that doesn't have some other side of it for them.
They want to scare us because they can sell ads.
They keep us glued to their television.
You know, I think it's always a good idea to take care of yourself.
You know, it seems like it sounds like the cold.
It sounds like the flu.
And it doesn't seem like statistically compared to bigger disease compared to other diseases that it's really doing anything.
You know, you could die of anything now and you could just say it's corona.
I mean, it sounds like the vaguest shit I've ever heard.
But it just sounds real popularized.
You know, it's like there's always been, you know, swine flu.
There was SARS.
Remember all of this?
Nobody, nothing.
Nobody ever, none of that shit did anything.
Nobody knows anybody that died from SARS.
What?
No, some people thought it was a test.
One guy took it.
Now he's an attorney.
Out there outside of Folsom over there in Livingston Parish, Louisiana.
So it's a hit or miss, but this is a miss, I think, for me.
Now, do I think that I think it's a perfect, I think this is a perfect example for us to see the power of the media and how much they can scare people.
And we're just at a time now where people don't believe the news anymore, rightfully so, and they shouldn't.
And it's a great time to take care of yourself and take care of your own and trust your instincts.
You know, the number one news source that most of us have, I think, is our instincts.
And sometimes it's hard to read them, but that's okay if something bad.
If you get them wrong, you get the instincts wrong, you read them wrong, you mess up, then that's why you got to be a good person because then you go to heaven, baby.
And then they got what you want up there.
They got the snack table, baby.
They got unlimited videos.
They got it all.
Gang.
Let's take another call that came in right here.
985-664-9503.
Hey, Theo, this is Johnny from Rhode Island.
I had a quick question for you.
I feel a little weird about this one, but whatever.
So I'm 26 years old.
My cousin's 21 years old in college.
And I'm not going to lie, she's a pretty good-looking girl.
She's been posting pictures on Instagram.
You know, I haven't really seen her that much since she's gotten older.
Oh, if you've never even seen her, then she could be your best friend, dude.
Quarter an hour previous caller, homeward.
She looks pretty good.
Her family's got a beach house right near my father's.
And, you know, she invited me to come with her friends out to the beach this summer and hang out with them.
Is it weird if I go?
Should I bring some of my friends?
I mean, I don't want to be staring at her.
I don't want to do something stupid if we get a little drunk or whatever.
So, you know, tell me what I should do.
Should I hook my friends up?
I don't know, you know.
Well, I could tell since it was the last thing you offered, the last suggestion you had was to hook your friends up.
So I know you're taking that off the table.
Look, I think you love your cousin.
I think you're attracted to her, I think.
Is it illegal for a cousin?
Sex.
Hold on, Johnny.
Sexual relations between first cousins are illegal in Mississippi.
I know, Johnny, right now.
Sorry, what's your name, Johnny?
Let me make sure, Johnny.
Let me hear.
Hey, Theo, this is Johnny from Rhode Island.
Yeah, Johnny.
Yeah, Johnny, I know right now you are hoping that your state doesn't come on this list.
Sexual relations between first cousins are illegal in Mississippi, thank God.
Kentucky, mm-hmm.
Texas, Wisconsin, North Dakota, South Dakota, and Nevada.
They are unregulated but generally frowned upon in all other states.
Generally frowned upon.
So that could be anything.
Washington, D.C., and territories.
Those are other places where they are unregulated but generally frowned upon.
Look, man.
You know, love is love, man.
You know, the guy called from After Oxen Hill show, D.C., and he's holding his wiener in there with other men, and they enjoyed the show.
That's some type of love, dude.
It's not, you know, it's...
They came up together, you know, and they met for the second time or whatever, their best friends or whatever.
And they are obviously lovers and gay men.
But that's love, man.
So if you want to...
What you don't want to do is seem like a pervert.
You don't want to go out there and be perving out on your cousin if she's not returning the vibe, bro.
That's a no.
Because that's your cousin.
That's your real cousin.
You're going to have to see her at future events and shit.
You can't pop a couple Molly and roll over there to the family reunion and shit, man.
You can't.
Or do you want to be that dope-ass cousin years from now that tried to hook up with the hot cousin in the family?
I would just say, I would look at the future.
Five years from now, say you're at a family reunion.
What does this look like if I do it now?
And take the vibe from her.
Do spin the bottle with her and her friends.
See if they make it so there's no chance, like, okay, you know, Larissa can't spin if John, yeah, or something.
If she does that, you know, you gotta, y'all gotta think outside the box, dude.
Because if you think inside the box too much, you could have a baby that has, you know, too much legs.
So you gotta stay classy, brother.
But at the same time, if somebody gets divorced, y'all might not even be cousins anymore.
So you also need to, you know, love is love, brother.
Love is love.
But so I would go to the beach.
I would bring a friend.
But there's nothing wrong with lusting after a cousin.
There's nothing wrong with that.
It's just how you proceed through it.
That's where things could get unique.
I used to date a girl, and her cousin was into her.
Now that I think about it, her male cousin, she had a cousin, a male cousin who loved her, who was into her, and who would try hitting on her.
And she thought it was so fucked up.
She just always thought it was kind of weird.
They're still friends, they're still good buddies and cousins, but she always thought it was a little strange.
So, anyway, that's just like a little view from the other side of the tracks.
What else we got here that came through?
Oh, we'll get, we'll get, last week we talked about was there ever anything in your life that you let go of that you wish you hadn't?
And people hit the hotline with a couple of thoughts on that, and let's get to those right now.
Theo Vaughn, what is up, my brother?
This is Dak coming from the other coast, all the way on the other side of the country in North Carolina.
What's up, Jack, from the NC?
And North Carolina is a, it's quite a real secretive and unique area, and people love it there.
You know, people always talking about the outer banks and the inner banks and, you know, Wells Fargo, all of the shit over there.
People love it, gang.
Just watch hits and practice, said to hit the hotline.
If you had something good and you just gave it away, like, dude, I remember back in high school, dude, like, I was able to really, it seemed like get any girlfriend I want.
Yeah.
And imagine what that's like.
But, you know, everybody has a time in their life where they're a champ.
You either get that champ early or you get that champ late.
But everybody has that time to be that chirping champ.
We all get it.
There's some moment in the world.
And here's the thing.
If you chirp early, you don't chirp late sometimes.
You know, but everybody has that chance to be a chirping champ.
Let's hear more.
Had a lot of good girls.
And dude, I would always just give them up.
I'd always break up with them because I always just wanted another one.
Like I wanted a better looking one or I wanted a funnier one.
And like, you know, I've really struggled to even get in a relationship nowadays.
I'm 26 years old.
It's been a while since I have an actual girlfriend.
And I don't know, man.
Yeah, I just think it's kind of funny.
It's like, I don't know what part of me is always just like doesn't want to express this good thing and like always thinks there's something better.
You know, maybe there is.
Maybe there is a reason I let them go and maybe something good is going to come down the line.
But nonetheless, it is just kind of an interesting part of my ego as well.
Anyways, appreciate you, dude.
I'll see you later.
Gang, bro.
And thank you for the call, man.
Yeah, it's, you know, we always can be kind of hedging our bets, saying, or not unhedging them.
You know, we always saying, okay, well, this situation is good, but I'm willing to set it to the side and see if another one comes.
You know, and then I think sometimes another one might not come.
I mean, you sound young enough, and I mean, you are young enough.
You're 26, you said, but you sound wise enough and aware enough where at least you kind of see what's going on and you, you know, at least you're self-aware, you know, so you're going to, it's going to fit, it's going to work out fine for you, brother, because, you know, now you're calibrated and you'll know, okay, you'll know when what's right is right comes next.
But yeah, it's interesting how there's a part of us that's always like, okay, maybe there's something better, maybe there's something different.
You know, there's always something different.
Maybe there's something better.
Why we're not happy, why we're or maybe why we are happy, but we just want to roll the dice.
Yeah, it's there's a great value in being able to say, I am happy and to not have that, let temptation get you.
That's one of the worst things about social media.
It's just there's always temptation.
There's always advertising can reach us.
There's always something telling us that we could be different or better.
There's always some chick running by in a bikini with, you know, size 11 titties over there and small feet.
You're like, damn.
But you don't see the aftermath when she goes and sits out in her brother's truck or whatever and she's shooting up or she's, you know, vomiting out the back of a van or something.
So she could take a do, you know, because she's all, you know, twerked out on bang energy drink and hasn't eaten in a month.
We don't see the full role.
It's that temptation.
But yeah, to recognize when we're really happy inside of ourselves, there's a real value in that.
But you have other good opportunities come along and you sound like a wise young fella.
And thank you for sharing that experience.
Yeah, because it's interesting.
It's like, you know, I've asked God for things in my life and then he gives them to me or the powers in the world give them to me and I have them.
And then as soon as I kind of have them, I say, well, maybe I'll go back to the poker table one more time, you know?
And whatever that little battle is right there, that's, man, there's something, that's real strong.
That's powerful to be able to say, man, I'm grateful for what this is.
And I'm going to take care of this gift that I have.
And I know with dating and stuff, I'm kind of generalizing it, you know, but and dating is just kind of a specific thing.
But yes, you know, that's the gambler, man.
That's the gambler.
Gang.
Hi, Theo.
My name's Jennifer, and I just heard your podcast about how sometimes it's difficult to figure out you have something really good and how our ego can sometimes get in the way.
And I wanted to share my story, and especially because I'm older, I'm in my early 50s, and this happened when I was in my early 20s.
And thank you for calling me, Jennifer.
Yeah, well, let's hear about it.
So I wanted it to be a little cautionary tale for the young folk that listen to your podcast.
I was dating a really wonderful man.
He was my first love, but he didn't make a lot of money.
He was a lifeguard.
I met a guy who And you really named one of the jobs, probably the lowest money-making job that there really is almost, besides somebody just walking around looking for money.
And the second one is just probably lifeguard.
Let's hear more.
Thank you for the call.
Who was an investment banker and made a lot of money, spent a lot of money on me.
And so long story short, I dumped the lifeguard thinking, oh, I've got a maid with this guy, the new guy.
And he turned out to be a major douchebag, quite surprised.
And when I went crossing back to the lifeguard, he was already dating a professional volleyball player, and his attitude towards me was pretty much fast to the sand.
And to this day, I regret having done that.
So just as I say, if you have somebody good, don't be so sure that you've got a million more chances to meet better and better people because that doesn't happen too often.
In my case, I never found anyone I liked as much as the lifeguard guy.
Thank you.
Love you.
I love your podcast.
Big hugs.
Gang.
Thank you.
I love you too.
And I appreciate that.
I appreciate you sharing that anecdote from your life.
Yes.
Yeah, I mean, you know, they say you don't know how something good, something is till it's gone.
But yeah, it's just so like we get gifts, you know, sometimes.
And sometimes they're people and sometimes they're things and sometimes they're experiences.
But I think the people one is most important.
You know, when you get that gift of being able to know someone or have that time, have someone's time, have someone care about you.
And it's nice, you get to care about somebody.
That's one thing that I've really started to learn in the past years in my life is just how much I really enjoy caring about someone else.
It's nice.
I mean, it's really nice to just have somebody to care about.
You know, make sure that somebody is taken care of.
Make sure that somebody is warm and comfortable.
And make sure that somebody is not scared.
You know, make sure that somebody is just loved.
You know, make sure that it's nice because when you have somebody and you get to do those things for somebody and they accept them and they give them back to you, that's a real that.
They don't advertise that, man.
You know, that's something that comes from the inside of us.
The only time you know when that's really right is when you get that inner advertising, when your heart tells you, yeah, this is something.
There's something real over here.
But thank you for sharing your tales.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
And thank you guys.
Thank you guys for everybody that came out this weekend, man.
We finished it up in Virginia Beach and over, no, in Newport News, or bad news, they call it.
But it was good news on that night.
And so many, just, I met so many people, wonderful people before the show, after the show.
I tried to meet as many people as I could.
And if I didn't get to meet you, then I'll meet you next time.
And those were the makeup shows.
Those were the last of the makeup shows.
Except for Brea, which I'll get to sometime this year.
I'm just going to go over there and work on new material a little later in the year or in the summer or something.
But thanks for sticking with me.
Thanks for being a part of the Dark Arts Tour and for checking it out.
And yeah, it was just this weekend was so much fun.
It was so much fun.
And I know a good thing.
And that's why I showed up today because I know a good thing.
And a good thing that we have, that I feel and have felt from everybody across this entire country and really across the whole world.
In Australia and in the UK and Norway and Sweden and somewhere else.
It's just that there's a good energy in here.
And I hope to focus more on that and work more on that and figure out how we can start to do more good things together and for others.
And gang, bro.
All day.
Thank you so much for the love and support.
Um...
Thank you.
Thank you.
And we'll finish out with a little Bishop Gunn right here.
And we'll keep it a little bit.
Let's do something fun with Bishop Gunn here.
Anything you want.
Because I think together, man, we figured out together we can have anything you want.
If you're struggling out there, keep your head up.
You know?
If you're unmotivated, just put the next foot in front of the other.
You could do it.
You know, if your brain doesn't want to do something, just move your feet and your brain will follow.
I know that.
It really will.
Just get going.
You know, you can do it.
If you're struggling with something, you can do it.
I know you can.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
I learned that from you guys.
All right, man, let's get through it.
Be good to yourself.
gang.
They can spot you, high-heeled shoes, eyes so blue, shining from a mile away.
Every night looking so right, dressed so tight.
Shellin' with me.
Time on your wrist, checking out a list.
Looking to assist with another man's fantasy So you take another toe, blind her to a coat, do it till you're broke to escape reality I can hear you saying That's what I hold you got on me Don't make me spend all night alone If you'll just give me what I need You
can have anything you want I'm 18 Have a green with a big screen.
I'll go with a bright light shine.
I'm up here, 21 years with the black fields.
Getting ready for the next thing.
Keep more tails about their wheels.
It goes on and on and on Not to mention you crave attention in a close easy But for how long?
Oh, but you can't say That's why I hold you not on me Don't let me spend all night alone If you'll just give me what I need You can have anything you want Anything you want
Ooooooh Ooooooooh Yeah.
Yeah.
We'll be right back!
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voices today.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
So we are easy to do.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dirty, bloody white guy.
I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule.
Like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.
