Theo is back from Canada and discusses his Toronto Shows, Bishop Gunn taking a hiatus, takes some calls about how people practiced kissing,
Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New Merch https://theovonstore.com ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PowerDot Visit https://powerdot.com/theo and use code THEO for 20% off Postmates Use code WEEKEND for $100 of free delivery credit for your first seven days when you download the Postmates app Shipstation Visit https://Shipstation.com and use code THEO to try for free ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Intro “Shine” - Bishop Gunn “Makin’ It” - Bishop Gunn ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 Video Hotline Upload here: http://bit.ly/TPW_VideoHotline ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Patreon Gunt Squad Name Aaron Rasche Action Jackson Adam White Alex Bmayer Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Amy Love Andrew Valish Anthony Holcombe Ashley Konicki Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Herron Benjamin Streit Brandon Woolsey Brian meek Christopher Becking Christopher Burton Cody Anderson Cody Kenyon Crystal David Christopher Dentist the menace Dionne Enoch Dusty Baker Eric Tobey Gillian Neale Ginger Levesque Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter James Schneider Jameson Flood Jayme Sta Jeremy Weiner Joakim Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joey Piemonte Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan Josh Nemeyer Joy Hammonds Julie Ogden Justin Doerr Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Lawrence Abinosa Lea Rashka Leighton Fields LJ Logan Yakemchuk Madeline Matthews Matt Nichols Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mona McCune myinitialsareOKbutimnot Nicholas Leach Nick Roma Noah Bissell NYCWendy1 Passenger Shaming Qie Jenkins Ruben Prado Ryan Hawkins Sagar Jha Scott Turnbull Shane Pacheco Shona MacArthur Stephen Trottier Suzanne O'Reilly Tanner Marvel Taryn Feingold Theo Wren Thomas Adair Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Tito Liebowitz Tom Cook Tom Kostya Tugzy Mills Tyler Harrington (TJ) Vanessa Amaya Vince Gonsalves Vincent Gil William Reid Peters Yvonne Zeke Harris
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I'm just sitting on your front porch, wondering how could I be so far from my home.
And my mind is somewhere else.
But when I find it, I'll patch up where it's been blown.
I'm just falling on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it in my bones But it's gonna take a little time For me to set that parking brake And let
myself unwind Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will...
Find a song, I'll sing it just for you.
And that is Shine by Bishop Gunn, right there.
And it is February 24 in the year 2020.
And we're getting into the future, aren't we?
You know, a lot of people didn't think we'd get this far into the future.
Like, I think if you dug up some people who are deceased or something and you said, hey, hey, hey, wake up.
Hey, wake up.
How far in the future do you think we'll go?
I bet a lot of them would not have picked this far.
But we're making it.
We're making progress.
That is Shine by Bishop Gunn.
And some bad news came out of their camp last week that the band has canceled future dates as of right now and has taken a bit of a break, a sabbatical.
I don't know what their plans are.
I tried to get in touch with my little nephew over there to see what was going on with them, but hadn't gotten too much information, and that's where we are.
But man, I would hate to see them not be able to make it happen.
Because they got a beautiful little outfit.
Beautiful little musical outfit right there.
And that's Bishop Gunn.
Just back from Toronto.
Oh, I want to thank everybody who came out.
That was just fire.
Man, it might have been some of the most hyped crowds.
I mean, people just...
He had a he was, he had, I think, was just donating his own blood into a bag and just threw a bag of it up on the stage.
Wow.
AB positive.
Let's go.
People were hype.
Man, it was magical, man.
We have four shows over there at the Queen Elizabeth Theater.
Sold them out.
And thank you so much, Canada, beautiful Canada, for coming out.
And people I notice in Canada, it's so friendly.
Like, people apologize all the time.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Ooh, he's sorry.
Ooh, sorry, sorry.
One guy came across a parking lot.
I'd never even seen him or he goes, oh, sorry.
He's like, in case I ever bump into you, I'm sorry.
I was like, what?
It's almost like people are just trying to be out or they're like they're trying to have like a polite off.
Like, oh, you think you're sorry, bro?
I'm sorry.
Dude, and I don't mean sorry, like as in incapable or not going to fare well or not going to do something well.
I mean sorry as in, oh, oh, oh, my bad, you know.
Oh, it's okay, you know.
Oh, but yeah, they're like, oh, sorry.
And they're like, oh, you think I'm sorry?
I got a friend that's even sorrier.
Oh, oh, this guy, he's so, he, he, oh, he apologized, he apologized always, always.
He's so apologetic.
I'm the most apologetic mother around.
People just like, I'm sorry.
Jumping off building.
I'm sorry.
I guess.
But anyway, people just so polite.
Had a good time, man.
Just such a great time.
And thank everybody for coming out and enjoying it.
And enjoying the just the joy, man.
Just the sheer joy in that theater, in that theater.
And what else?
I'm home.
I'm headed this week to Red Bank, New Jersey on February 27th.
That's Thursday.
Oxen Hill, Maryland, February 28th.
And Newport News, Virginia, February 29th.
Those are sold out.
And then we got the Castle Theater on March 7th in Maui.
And the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville on April 17th.
And there are still tickets for Maui.
I believe that Nashville is sold out.
So that's crazy, man.
I can't believe I'm going to get to go to the Ryman.
Dude, some people treat their dogs like a slave.
You notice it?
So I went to the park this morning to get a little bit of heat, a little free heat from the sunshine, you know?
A little bit of that vitamin D, straight from the vitamin G-O-D.
You feel me?
I'm talking straight off the tit of the Lord, the sky.
And just catch that free heat right in my face And neck.
And I went over there and I was just sitting in the grass making me a little gratitude list and doing a couple etchings and stuff on one of those legal pads, you know.
And this man, I heard this old man, he's like, Charlie, he goes, Charlie, get over here.
Charlie, get over here.
And I thought it was two, you know, kind of drug-induced or, you know, drug-induced homosexual men doing, you know, splitting up a, you know, a gram or a vial of a vial of speed.
But then I look over and this man, who I'll be honest, this man looked like duty, bro.
This man looked like just man, just real, just, just duty, duty.
And he's yelling at this dog because the dog smelled something or saw this.
And the dog, he's over there, he's investigating.
You know, he might have a little bit of hound in him or a little bit of investigator gadget or whatever that guy's name was.
Remember that show?
But the dog, you know, he's sniffing on an orange peel or doing something, you know, or smelling a park needle or something or whatever.
And the man's like, sharks, get over.
Just yelling at him.
And Charlie, first of all, Charlie was way healthier.
This man looked like, just first of all, looked like somebody had shaved his whole body with like a one or like a one and a half.
He had a fade like on his arms, shoulders, everything.
Just real bristly looking dude.
Kind of guy, he looked like he was like a pipe cleaner.
You know what I remember pipe cleaners?
Remember in school, sometime if you was one of the weirdo kids and they at the art class, they would give you these pipe cleaners and say, hey, do something with this.
And you'd be like, well, what do I do?
They'd be like, ah, we don't know.
Just do something.
We hoping you graduate soon because nobody could stand you, you know?
And yeah, this dude, I'm thinking, man, this dog.
And then, so then the dog comes over by me.
And now I'm kind of pissed because I'm sitting there trying to do a little bit of legal work or whatever, you know, writing stuff and drawing.
And this man's, Charlie, leave him alone.
So I said, dude, I said, Charlie ain't messing with me, man.
I said, you messing with me by yelling.
You messing with everybody, sir.
And fuck it.
Just, I don't know, man.
And the dog went over to him and I just felt like, I don't know, when Charlie left, dude, I felt like, damn, bro.
Charlie don't want to be with that man and that man treats him bad.
That's how I felt, dude.
So, but yeah, Charlie was like a big dog.
And I'll be honest, I slipped him a piece of Nicorette.
So Charlie fucking get that hit from daddy right there.
So that guy can kiss my ass, bro.
What I'm saying is you can't, your dog is not a slave.
He doesn't work for you.
Okay?
You can't, you know, say this.
Do this.
Charlie, get in the house.
No ham hocks, Charlie, nothing for you.
You can't be like that to an animal.
You got to treat an animal a little bit kinder, I think.
But I don't know.
I don't know their backstory.
This shit just made me mad.
I don't see a lot of animals and stuff.
So here in Los Angeles.
So it just made me kind of upset.
Anyway, what's going on, man?
Good to be here.
I feel a little bit rattled.
It has been all over the place.
And I'm so excited that we got these shows coming up this weekend.
These are makeup dates.
And just happy to be getting them done.
These are the last of the makeup dates except for Brea and we'll do them sometime.
What did I see on the Washington Post the other day put up a thing?
Oh, they were talking about...
On the circuit, on the political circuit.
And I'm not much of a political.
I never, you know, ever since I was young, I've never, I've never thought a politician is or politics going to save my life.
Them dudes ain't doing shit for us.
You know, I've always thought if my bed's going to be better, I'm going to have to make it that way.
You know, if I'm going to have a little bit of, you know, if I'm going to have a little bit more nud in my scrot, you know, a little bit more gumption in my scrotum, you feel me, then I'm going to be have to want to put it in there.
I'm not relying on the government or something to make my life better.
But it just blew my mind how suddenly they came out with a report that now that Bernie Sanders is winning in the Democratic regionals or whatever it's called, semifinals or whatever, that Russia is helping him.
And I'm just like, you got to be kidding me with this shit.
You got to be kidding me.
You telling me that this dude, that every time somebody starts winning, Russia helps them?
It's just the worst excuse, man.
It just made me like, it was just like, it's almost like sometimes the news thinks that we're so dumb.
It's like, you really think I'm dumb enough to believe this?
The last time Donald Trump was winning, oh, oh, Russia helped him.
Oh, this time Bernie said, oh, Russia helped him.
It's like whoever they don't like, they make up this story.
I don't know, man.
It just blew my mind.
I was like, do you really think maybe humans are that dumb?
Maybe I'm dumb for thinking that we're not.
It just, and how is a country helping somebody win an election?
They put ads, even say if they do put an advertisement on internet, if they don't go in there and pull the arm, the Vote the what is it called?
If they don't pull the poll or whatever for you, if they don't tab you the vote, if they don't do the voting for you, then they're not doing, nobody could do shit unless they're making robots and sending them in there dressed up like people.
Oh, I'm just here to vote.
Charlie, get off and get away from that guy.
Anyway, that shit just had me riled off.
I was like, you got to be kidding me.
Now you think that just because this guy's winning, that they're going to, that the Russia, it just made me, it's like, oh, I just wish somebody would just, you almost wish somebody would just burn down one of these news places because it's just bullshit, man.
But what are we to do, man?
What are we to do?
I got nothing.
Oh, what else happened this weekend?
Let's hit the hotlines.
People called in from the Toronto show, and I'd love to hear some thoughts and some reactions.
And here we go.
Hi, Deal.
This is Lisa calling.
My friend and I were lucky enough to see you Friday night in Toronto for the early show.
Oh, thank you for coming out there, Lisa.
And you got a friend, too.
I'm glad you and your friend came.
And that's nice if you got a friend, you go do something.
Oh, me and my friend are doing this.
Oh, we're having a, we're splitting a cabbage.
We're splitting a, you know, we're doing a tandem bike.
So onward.
And I just had to call in to say we had so much fun just laughing our heads off.
Everybody around us is just doubled over laughing.
I mean, I've been to a lot of shows, but I've never laughed that hard at a comedy show.
But genuine question, when you're up.
And look, and I hate to interrupt you, but sometimes the laughter, it'll bring it out of you.
It's almost like an exorcism, but a good one.
It'll make something come out of you.
A secret.
Sometimes people laugh so hard they tell a truth about themselves.
They let a secret loose.
Some guy the other day, he laughed so hard at the show and he's just like, he came out of the closet.
He's like, I'm gay.
And his buddy's like, Patrick, dude, what are you talking about, Patrick?
Have another beer, man.
Your wife's going to pick us up in about 20 minutes, dude.
She's going to be pissed, bro.
Have two beers, Patrick, and calm down, bro.
You're going to be fine.
You got to get back to your wife and kids, man.
So you don't know.
Somebody, you know, somebody, sometimes that giggle will just wiggle something right out of you.
It'll just shake a truth right out of your freaking lie booth, right out of the back of your brain.
You'll just be like, I killed somebody with a shovel.
Like, I love licorice.
People just, you know, I don't wash my husband's clothes, but I tell him I do.
So he's always wearing dirties.
You know, you just, sometimes when that laughter gets you, Lisa, it can really shake something out of you.
It can shake the mainframe, and that's when maybe a little dribble of some truth will just leak out of your feet.
You know, suddenly you'll slip in a fact about yourself that you never wanted to admit.
I like the smell of my own ass.
You know, something or something like that.
You know, sometimes you'll just, a truth will just whip right out of you that you don't want, you know.
I've been saving all my back hair that I shave off in a bag under the sink in my bathroom.
You know, it just, that's what can happen.
My tits smell like tangerines.
So anyway, a lot of truths and old secrets can come just avalanching out of your freaking brainstem.
Let's hear more, Lisa.
Up on stage, can you hear how hard we're laughing?
Like, are you able to get that positive feedback from us?
Because, I mean, every sentence you were saying at one point, everybody was just dying laughing.
Man, it was just incredible.
So thank you so much for coming to our neck of the woods.
Thanks for everything.
Well, you guys have a beautiful neck of the woods up there in Toronto.
And I never thought Canada was real when I was young.
And I've said that before.
Drop my keys.
You know, I thought if you died in Canada, you woke back up in America.
That's something that I thought or that I'd heard or that I just thought and then pretended like I'd heard.
You know, I thought maybe Canada was just a place that they practiced safety equipment.
Like if you ever saw a helmet or some knee pads or, you know, if you was at doing the bumper bowling and they had the special lanes on the side for the kind of kids that had a hit of that tism or just youngsters that wasn't used to pushing ball and you say, oh, all that's from Canada.
But as far as the laughter goes, you know, it's really you can, what can you hear?
Yeah, sometimes I feel like I talk too fast and I step on people's laughter.
In a comedy club, I'm so used to that.
I'm more used to the area.
And so I know how to manage that room size of a room better when it's about 300.
But in some of these theaters, you get upwards, you know, 1,000, 2,000.
It gets tricky.
And I can't see anything when I'm up there.
I can see maybe the first two rows, kind of.
And then it's just lights.
It seemed like somebody, you ever been outside and somebody's pulling a boat up on a dock?
And you're like, oh, are they going to park this thing?
Are they just going to shine that light in my eye for an hour?
It's like that.
It's like two people are parking boats, but none of them will park.
They're just...
Or it's like two motorcycles coming at you diagonally and the light are just hitting you.
So you can't see anything.
You kind of have this light in your eyes.
So sometimes it feels like you're performing to it's almost like it's an experiment or something.
Like there's just you hear like a laugh, like a kind of like the sound of laughter, but mostly you just see these two lights and you feel like you're just performing into nothing almost.
It's really bizarre.
So sometimes it's nice at the end of the show or some in the beginning, the light man will pull the, will bring the lights up for a second and then you can see everyone and it's it is a 180 from what you've been seeing the whole time.
So sometimes people will react or do something in the audience and if I don't react to it, I can't see it.
I have no idea what's going on most of the time.
But man, it was so much fun.
There was one moment where they brought the lights up.
It was on Saturday, I think.
And man, I felt like, I just felt people were having so much fun and cheering.
Man, it just, I don't know.
I just felt, it doesn't feel like it's for me, I guess.
It just feels like people are having a good time.
But it just felt cool.
It was like, wow, this is something just fun to be a part of.
So I'm just glad you guys had a good time, Lisa.
I'm glad you and your friend came out and enjoyed each other's company.
You know, there is something nice after the show if I get to see some people and stuff and just, you know, knowing people had fun, man, it means a lot.
You know, we had one young gentleman, this Italian, and we used to call Italians, we'd call them headlights when I was young because they showed up in groups and kind of bothered you.
But this beautiful young Italian, he had a tall friend with him, real long Italian, one of the male eyes.
And he came to four shows.
And I think he had just knocked this girl up, beautiful young fellow.
I'm not sure what his name was, Tito or something.
And I don't know.
Antigua.
I have no idea.
But I can't remember.
But very nice young man.
Knock on Wood.
I don't know what his name is.
And I don't even know why I'm knocking on wood.
What else?
But that was good.
It was a good time there.
Let me hit this other hotline call.
Came in 985-664-9503.
What's up, Tio?
I'm here with my friend Sam.
Hey, what's up, Tio?
Gang, gang.
What's up, Sam?
Gang, brother.
And there's a lot of people named Sam in Canada.
I realize that onward.
We just drove from Montreal to see a show in Toronto.
The Friday night show, to be specific.
And, bro, there's some fucking asshole right behind us arguing and yelling and stuff.
I don't know what happened, but you kind of addressed it.
You said the person, you're like, what's going on?
And the person's like, cut.
And you're like, oh, you're cutting yourself?
And the guy just dies.
But it was a great show, man.
I don't know.
There's people walking around and shit, but don't let that get in the way.
That was dope.
Yeah, I just want to know how you felt about the show, because I remember at one point you kind of stressed out.
What do you guys think, Sam?
I don't know, but we love you, Steel Von, and we're here to support you.
So let us know what you think.
Thanks, man.
Gang.
Gang, voice.
Eh, gang.
Gang.
Dude, thank you guys for driving, man.
I hope y'all made it home safe, man.
If you didn't make it home safe, then you're in heaven, bruh.
So either way, you won it.
Man, it was wonderful.
You know, Canada, the general feeling I have when I'm in Canada is such a feeling of safety.
You know, in America, I feel like there's always a little bit of uncomfort.
I feel like it's, and maybe it's just because I'm in Los Angeles.
I'm in like really the devil's den here.
I'm out here in the damn devil's dimple, just feeling him grin whenever he wants.
But in Canada, there's just, there's just a friendliness.
There's a, not everything has like a wage to it.
Not everything has like a, like a, like there's just something more genuine about it.
It's really, really, it's so pleasant to be around.
So yeah, dude, I just had, I had such a great time.
I mean, I had such a great time just going out and people are just, they're having a good time.
There's more of an ease in people.
It's like somebody just put a, you know, two cans of ease and just squeezed it right into somebody, everybody's neck.
Everybody's just eased up.
Not like that guy at the park is like, get off Charlie.
Build me a shed or whatever that guy was, dude.
They need a police need to get that man.
Because he's treating that dog like a damn indentured servant.
But yeah, man, it was just a blast, man.
It was just, it was just, I'm trying to think of a better way to describe it.
But I mean, my stress level has been high, man.
I really can't wait to take a break.
You know, I used to feel, you know, honestly, I used to feel a lot more dialed in even when I was doing the podcast.
It was easier for me to connect and to kind of drop into what was going on.
But I have been under a lot of just stress, just a lot of the traveling and stuff.
And I don't talk about it sometimes, even though I do a lot, I feel like, because once you kind of start doing well, I feel like, once you start having some success, nobody wants to hear you complain, really.
Nobody, you know, it's like, so it's sometimes that kind of, that stuff, it's a little tough for me to talk about some of that stuff recently because I feel like nobody wants to hear the dude that's doing well.
Nobody wants to hear him complain.
You know, but yeah, I'm trying to take more methods to deal with some of My stress a little bit.
You know, I flew in a day early into Toronto so that I wasn't jammed up on the same day of the show, having to travel and then go straight to the show.
I'm going to go to Maui in a few weeks and hopefully have some few days to just get connected to nature.
Just stretch out.
Be an ostrich puts my legs into the sand and be like that, maybe.
Maybe see a tit in the distance or something.
You know?
Maybe I'll bring Charlie with me.
If I see a nice tit in the distance, have him go get it.
Char Charlie!
Go!
Man, that guy, dude.
I'm going to start calling Charlie next time.
I'm going to impersonate the guy.
I'm going to hide behind the tree in the distance.
And when he says something to Charlie, I'm going to say something to him.
You're doing fine, Charlie.
You're doing great.
You got the day off.
Let's take one more call that came in right here.
Onward.
Hey, Theo, what's popping off?
It's Dingo out here in central Oklahoma.
What's up, Dingo?
Thank you for calling, man.
That's a rare name, brother.
But then what?
Onward?
I was just scrolling through Facebook and I saw kind of a heartbreaking post that Bishop Gunn was going to be halting all activity.
I guess they're going through some struggle.
I thought since you're the guys that introduced them to us, I would give you a call and see what your thoughts are and hope that they hear this and knows that there's a lot of people that care a lot about them.
And we hope they can work out whatever it is that they're going through and come back to us.
Anyways, love you, Theo.
You're the best, man.
And you can do it.
You're good enough.
You worked all your life for it.
Thanks, man.
Thank you, bro.
It was nice.
That was nice of you to say that.
Yeah, man, it really makes me sad, dude.
You know, I saw that post as well on Facebook.
Yeah, it just, you know, I want the band to, they're so good, man.
I really believe they're so good.
You know, and they've worked so hard.
And they've done so many shows.
And I think some of the stuff that, from my perception, it seemed like some of the stuff they're struggling with is just internally between them.
And they're trying to figure it out.
And I hope that they do, man.
You know, I don't want to take words out of their mouth.
I asked Bern Sharp, the drummer, if he would call in today.
And I don't think he was up for it.
So I'm going to see if he'll check in next week and maybe give us a little bit more information.
But yeah, just heartbreaking.
Heartbreaking, man.
It just shows you how rare something, when something's good, it's rare.
Man, when something is good, it is rare.
And then you think there's going to be, oh, this could happen again easily.
Or this could happen again in a moment's, you know, something else could happen.
Something better.
But we don't want to, it's, it's not that we don't want to settle, but it's why, I wonder why we don't know, why we aren't able to notice when something is really perfect.
And I struggle with it.
You know, I think there's going to be something different.
I've got, you know, maybe there's a better opportunity or maybe there's someone better.
But thanks for saying I'm good enough, man.
I appreciate that.
You know, it's funny, sometimes when I'm on the stage and the lights come up a little and people are cheering, I feel like almost like turning around and looking behind me.
It's like, what are they?
Is there somebody, you know, what is this for?
You know, it just, I mean, I know that people are there and they're excited and they're excited to see the show and stuff, but I don't know.
It's interesting, man.
But yeah, I hope Bishop Gunn gets it together, man.
I really, you know, I love the vibe that they have.
And just they got this soul.
They got this soul.
And it's, maybe if you have a thought about that, I'm going to get to the hotline call about practice and kissing and how people did it in just a second.
But if you, if there was something good in your life, if there was something, when you had something really good and you let it go, you thought there'd be something different or you thought there'd be something better or maybe a...
You know, the ego is, you know, our ego starts running before we've passed the baton a lot of times.
And I just want to, maybe, and maybe nobody will have anything, but if you do, hit the hotline with that.
985-664-9503.
And I love you guys, man.
I just want to tell you that.
I love you.
And thank you.
You know, one thing I just, I don't know, man, I've just, you know, you guys have all helped make my dream come true, you know, to be able to make people laugh at a big, at a level.
And if this is the greatest my career ever gets, and this has been amazing.
And, you know, I just feel really blessed.
But I'm realizing it takes a group really to make a blessing, you know.
So, gang.
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Thank you guys for all the love.
Now, last week we was talking about kissing, smooching.
And I talked about a couple things when I was young.
You know, when I was young, not everybody knew how to kissing people wasn't, it weren't the first way you knew to say hey to somebody.
First, they teach you the handshake.
And that's basically saying, hey, let me touch you real quick.
Let me touch you.
Say, okay, I'll let you touch me, but just my hand.
I say, okay, that's an agreement.
That's a handshake.
And then they do a hug.
Hey, I'm going to trust you enough to put both your hands and touch my back really quick while I touch your back.
Okay, and go.
Boom.
Okay.
That was good.
And then it gets to another level, though, when your body starts to get hot.
When your loins start to look around, you feel me.
Because when you're a man and you're young, you can only look around with your head and your neck.
But at a certain age, your wiener says, hey, I'm about to peek around as well.
And that is called, what is it called?
Shit, I don't know.
Purberty.
And that's almost full purberty, baby.
That's when you're getting lit, bruh.
That's when you suddenly lit for some tit, dude.
But what I'm telling you is this, what I'm trying to say, is that we all started practicing away kissing.
I shared about mine last week.
And so you guys had some calls that came in, and I want to hear a couple of those.
Here we go, gang.
Hi, Theo.
This is Mofo from Idaho.
What's up, Mofo?
What's up, Mofo, from Idaho?
And Idaho is a good place if you want to get kind of windburn on your face and sunburn at the same time.
And if you want to look for gold but not find any, but still dress like you look for gold, then Idaho is a beautiful spot.
Great place to get sunburnt and go missing as well.
A lot of missing people in Idaho.
Onward.
So I'm the youngest of six, so I had older siblings.
And we had a Barbie head that was like a head and shoulders and neck.
So you could do her hair and her makeup like it was like a mannequin head.
So when I would get a chance to be alone with this Barbie, I would practice kissing.
I think we're alone now.
There doesn't seem to be anyone around.
Okay.
So you kiss that little baby, that baby Barbie.
Let me hear more.
On her neck and her face and everything.
Damn, this shit turning me on a little.
Well, I'll be honest with you, dude.
Dang, this shit got me working, dude.
This shit's going to bring old Patrick out the closet.
You feel me, man?
This shit got me going.
Let's hear more.
I'm going to back it up a little bit in just so I can hear you.
Tell me what happened again.
Onward.
The chance to be alone with this Barbie.
I would practice kissing on her neck and her face and everything.
And it always, it never failed.
Every time I went to do that, one of my siblings would catch me and be like, Mo, are you kissing the Barbie's neck?
And I'd be so fucking embarrassed.
So that would just go on and on.
And also, you know, the poles in the basement.
I used to put on my roller skates and like swing around the poles and practice kissing on those.
And again, somebody would always catch me and be like, what?
Are you kissing the poles?
Anyway, so funny.
Oh, yeah.
Look, everybody's got a way.
You know, that's interesting.
You kissing plastic humans and you kissing poles.
You know, that's really, you could work at the mall.
I mean, it almost sounds like you could work at the mall.
But yeah, everybody had a different way.
You know, some people would do something different, man.
I had this boy live across the street from us named Robert, and he would put his hand in the hot water and get it real hot.
And he would make that kind of kissing area, like a little lips with his hand where you put your, curl your fingers and your thumb across the front.
And then he would kind of kiss that when it was all warm.
You know, everybody had a little something.
We would heat up the oyster.
You know, every now and then things got a little bit homosexual with the kid.
You know, if it's young fellas, they're kissing on each other's neck a little.
But when you're a child, anything gay is not gay.
Gay is just children.
You know, I remember I found two of my nephews one time in the bed, and they in there butt naked.
So what am I going to, you know, they're children.
And one of them had a bunch of damn little Hershey's kisses in there with him.
He had a whole damn stack, a couple of them on his belly and stuff starting to, and some of them were melting a little bit and the chocolate was getting on his skin.
But what am I going to, you know, that's nothing.
That's children.
All right, let's take another call that came in here.
Hey, Theo, this is Coke.
I used to practice kissing on an apple.
I would take a bite.
I would take a little nibble out of the apple.
And then, you know, it would leave like a little hole for like, you know, you used to put your tongue in there.
Damn, boy.
Man, this shit got me feeling some type of way.
You know, you're out there getting that fruit, dog.
Putting your tongue into that fruit, boy.
You could have at least had a little bit, you know, you could have cut open the orange, bro, and purved down into that sucker.
I used to do that when I got a little bit older.
I'd dig out the middle of an orange and throw three of my fingers in that bastard.
Let's hear more.
And it was kind of a sweet treat at the same time.
So that was kind of how I used to practice kissing when I was young.
And I really like the podcast, man.
I really like your content.
And just keep doing you, baby boy.
Gang, thanks, Colt.
I like that.
I like a man name after a weapon as well, Colt, you know?
Or maybe, who else?
Ninjastar.
And if you don't think there's probably a young black woman out there named Ninja Star, then you're probably wrong, baby girl.
Kissing on Apple.
Let's take another one that came in.
How you practiced getting that lip locking going, gang.
Hey, CO, I'm calling all the way from Pennsylvania.
Damn, from PA.
And that's Amish country.
If you want to see what your grandparents did, drive through PA, man.
You get out there out near, what are some of those areas out there where they got, I mean, you could smell the butter, you could smell the breast milk in the air.
I mean, these women got some breasts on them, too.
That's the breast belt.
Do you be driving, you hit a speed, like, what is that, a speed bump on the interstate?
You'd be like, no, man.
That's just a couple titties crossing the road out there.
Because it's that kind of place, man.
And they got skin just so milky.
My God.
The milky skin.
I mean, just make you want to just, I mean, goddamn, every titty look like a damn every titty looks big and good out there.
But there's nothing like a real milky breast.
You know, a lot of times they try to push.
These days, they push these different type of breasts, this and that.
You know, oh, here's that lean titty, rock witty.
What?
A lean titty.
People want the breast.
The breast is supposed to be the breast, you know?
You know, I remember when I was growing up, we had a lady that worked at the, at the, This lady, we live in an apartment for a little bit, and it was four apartments in one big building.
And we would play football in the backyard out back, and they had this, that big area, and we'd get out there and just be our, just pretend we were heroes, you know.
And you had different, you know, you had a hole in a certain part, you had to go around, and they had drainage coming off of somebody's laundry room, so you had to be careful.
And if somebody was running their dryer, that hot air was puffing out of one area.
So that's where we would do the intros at the beginning of the game.
We say, oh, starting quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles.
And your boy would come running out of that dryer smoke.
From the laundry room.
And then we played a game.
But they had a lady who did a verbal sex work by us.
And she was like a hotline worker.
Back in the day, they used to have a, if you call on the phone line, you dial 1-900 big titty or something.
A woman would answer.
And she'd be like, yeah, yeah, you know, this is Diane, you know.
This is Diane breast or something like that.
You know, this big titty.
What can I do for you?
And she would sit there and she would like, oh, yeah, let me, I'm taking your pants off right now.
Oh, yeah.
You know, oh, I'm choking you right now.
Oh, I'm, you know, I'm spitting in your belly button.
You're like, what?
I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm hiding olives in your ass.
You know, they would get real nasty and stuff.
But she was doing verbal sex work, and every minute she kept the person on the line, she would get more money for the family.
But one of her windows, her window was down by the other end zone where we played football.
So you didn't even want to go score down there sometimes when she was getting real vulgar, you know?
She'd be like, oh, I got three olives.
I got three olives in my ass, you know?
You'd be like, oh, I'm making martinez in between my tats.
You know, she'd be just getting crazy.
Oh, yeah.
She'd be down there, yeah, give it to me.
You'd be like, what is going on?
All right, let's take this call that came in right here.
Here we go.
Hey, CEO, I'm calling all the way from Pennsylvania.
And this regards to your last podcast about practicing your kissing.
And I used to take a nice, juicy, soft mango.
Just bite a little small mouse hole in the side of it.
You start making out with a mango.
Let me know what you think.
Dang, boy, you sound like a pervert, bucko.
What do you sound like?
Dude, you're doing something wild.
A mango, first of all, mango is the straight-up slut of produce.
You gotta think that.
You think when other, when tomatoes see a mango coming, they ain't saying, oh, look at this thought over here.
Dude, think about that.
You don't think when two peaches, they sitting around, they on a swing set, just peaching, you know, maybe splitting up a Perco set or something, and then they see this bitch mango get out of a taxi, you know, they both thinking, oh, look at this over here.
Charlotte, get over here, Charlie!
I'm telling you, bro, mango is a straight slute of the fruit kingdom.
Gang, bro.
Thank you for calling, man.
And get out your mama's refrigerator, bro.
You sound like you got to stay home if you being like that.
Onward?
Hey, Theo, this is old Dunn.
I'm out in the Bay Area, California.
I was just listening.
What's up, old Dunn?
Thank you for calling, brother.
Onward?
I listened to your podcast, and it made me think of how I used to practice kissing.
I used to make out with my elbow pit on the inside of my forearm.
And I used to fucking give it hickeys and everything, dude.
That was my shit.
I think I did it for like a year.
Everybody knows he did it for way longer, too, even though you just said that.
But onward, brother?
And then I don't know why I stopped doing it, but I hadn't thought about that in many years.
Thank you.
Keep up the good work.
I love the positive message you bring with the humor attached.
Gang, bro.
Thank you, man.
Thank you very much.
Thanks for calling, man.
Look, you're making me think I have a limited neck.
My neck, I got a medium to lower neck.
If I look for something, I can't look real long because I got to bring my neck back to center.
I got to recenter my neck.
Some people got that neck.
They over here.
They over there.
They doing laundry.
They looking for this.
You know what I'm saying?
They own a lost and found.
They could do multitask with that fucking big reacher.
With that fifth fucking limb, baby, that neck.
But my shit, limited time.
I got that limited look piece, baby.
So I couldn't really get into the crease of my elbow very much.
But I bet I did try that.
Let me try it.
Oh, yeah.
Now that's the second I put my face there, I remember I definitely did.
Oh yeah, man.
Damn.
Dude, dude, my elbow crease tastes like it remembers me, dude.
I'll be honest with you, boy.
Damn, this chick is fine as hell.
Dude, and I remember even this, dude.
This is so perverse.
I can't even believe I'm telling you this.
As I got older, sometimes my underarm had the vibe, the scent of a woman to it.
And I would sometimes put my face right down in there and get a couple of huffs off my own, off that my own fucking little reach crevice right there, that iron pit.
And then I would use that, you know, I fuel myself to pleasure myself, you know, and do masturbation.
So, damn.
Almost wish I hadn't said that, but you know what, whatever, man, that's who I am.
That's who I am, dude.
Because I wanted that full-body experience.
Because sometimes one of my underarms, one of my underarms always smelled a little bit gut, that spaghetti, kind of that Italian, you know, it's something under there.
I'm running like a primavera, you feel me?
But every now and then, one of my underarms had a more of a kind of a fertile, feminine kind of, you know, it kind of had the, it kind of had the same tenor, the same kind of hit that you could get the same hit off of it you would off of a woman's body.
And even maybe a vagina, even if I'm being real honest with you.
And I know this is gross.
I know this is kind of graphic, man.
I'm sorry about that.
I'm not trying to be disgusting.
I'm just trying to be honest with you.
But so I'd get a couple hits of that and then I would use that because that would get my brain all fired up with that hot pouch, you know?
It would just fuel that because I would have the scent.
I had that scent of a woman right under my arm, that hoo, you know?
And so I'd get a couple hits of that and then use that to power my ability to touch myself.
But yeah, man, we all did something and it's okay.
That's nature.
Nothing wrong with you and there's nothing wrong with me, man.
We got a couple more that came in and I got to tell you about this last ad for the episode.
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Oh, these are good, man.
Let's take another one right here.
How you got that smooch?
How you got that smooch practice?
Because look, some guys lucked out.
Some fancy guys, if you was real rich, maybe your mom come downstairs and give you a little kiss or something to stay heavy with you if you had a stepmom.
Maybe she sleep over once a month or something.
You're like, damn, I don't even know what dad's for.
He's just a bank.
Because I'm the one, me and Ronda are seeing each other now.
But if that wasn't your case, then you had to learn to kiss somewhere.
And if somebody wasn't kissing you, you had to find a way.
And that's who I am.
And I appreciate you being similar.
Let's go.
Hey, Theo.
Calling about the practicing kissing here when you're young.
I think I was in sixth grade.
You finally merged schools with like four different elementary schools.
You got all these girls there.
I was like, I need to practice.
I would take hot showers homewards.
I would stand up for the shower.
You sit down and build a faucet.
So it's like pairs.
Like, you know, when you first start to go to the bath, you turn it to a shower.
He practiced from that boy.
You know, it was smooth, it was chrome, it was shiny.
He said, I'm going to give this guy a little tongue, pretend it's a girl, look at your own reflection, and be like, close your eyes and just picture a nice moment.
But, all right, that's all.
Dang.
Dang, bucko.
That's one way to do it, man.
Dang.
And that's how you end up selling.
And that's how you end up selling bathroom equipment for the rest of your life, man.
With that kind of love for the game right there.
But yeah, I could understand what you're saying.
See your reflection in something.
And then you go kiss it.
Now, if you sucking on the front end of a faucet, that might be kind of homoerotic.
You might be getting a little bit homoerotical right there, bro.
You might meet a man.
Hell, you might end up dating the 10 man.
You know, if somebody in the next room is watching Wizard of Oz, and even through the television, that 10 man sees you sucking on the end of a friggin' dripping faucet, boy.
Boy.
That mad metal maniac's going to pop right out of your screen, bro.
And he's going to want his chrome, Paula's daddy.
Look, stay safe out there, man, wherever you are.
I am saying that.
And thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing that.
That.
Let's take another call, man.
Let's take one more call that came in here to the hotline.
I appreciate you guys being so supportive.
I'm excited about going to Maui in two weeks.
If you have a friend on the island, tell him to get that hitter, man.
Grab some tickets.
What else?
Yeah, I just need to have a little bit of break, man.
I feel a lot of stress in my shoulders.
It's like a tingling that's in my shoulders and my neck.
And I think I might be allergic to coffee, too.
So, you know me, dude.
I got all the problems, baby.
Oh, I'm wearing this Joe Musgrove today, too.
Son, got this beautiful hitter right here, Pittsburgh Pirates.
Shut out one of the best in the game right there.
Gang, bruh.
Gang.
There we go.
Hey, Theo, this is Amber from Illinois.
I just wanted a call to address the zookeeper that was on in the last episode.
So I work for Ecological Restoration, and I think if the Zookeeper is having some ethical dilemmas about working at the zoo, that ecological restoration might be a good option for him because you're helping the animals.
You're helping kind of improve the areas where they live and get rid of all the damage done by humans to the natural areas.
And you're also, you know, still outdoors.
You're not having to work inside or anything.
You're still having a positive impact on the environment without all the ethical dilemmas because you don't have to see animals getting mistreated and things like that.
Yeah, now look, I feel you're there, and I appreciate the call.
Last week, we had a gentleman, he was really, you know, he was having this come to Jesus moment about working at the zoo and not liking the system.
But I'm ready to say this, that, yeah, some animals get mistreated in zoos and things like that.
I mean, I saw blackfish, and I don't know if you've seen that, but it's about, I guess, how they treat black fish.
And the shit is, I mean, that shit's, it's a little heavy, man.
You know, it's like kind of like 12 years a swimmer, kind of.
But this, um, but some animals learn dope shit, let's be honest.
You got animals down there at SeaWorld and at Wally World or whatever.
They'll spin a, you know, spin a ball in their nose.
None of these bastards out in nature are doing that shit.
They fighting.
I know you've seen planet Earth, but a lot of animals are out there beating each other's asses.
Let's be honest.
I'm not saying they're not beautiful and that they shouldn't be allowed to do it.
But some animals are learning useful skills as well.
It's not just a one-way street.
But that is a great option, man.
Ecological restoration.
I say let animals go if we want.
But don't be shocked.
You know what I'm saying?
When little Bridget gets fucking clotheslined by two orangutans.
And they want to be sexual or want to be nastier.
You know what I'm saying?
Don't be, don't come crying then when your cousin gets fucking shanked by an angry otter, bruh, with a sharp palm.
When some angry otter swims by at the YMCA and fucking, you know what I'm saying, clips your little kiddo's tendons.
Don't be, oh, what happened?
You can't have it all.
There's a trade-off for everything.
So next time you see a full-blown white seal at, you know, over there at Water Park and he can do the stanky leg.
That ain't that bad, man.
He ain't doing bad.
But there's an option for you, young fella, that called last week, Eco Restoration.
And thank you, young lady, for calling in.
And that's where I think you sneak out into the wild and kind of make things better for animals and then sneak back.
And you're a zookeeper, but you're kind of like on the side.
So I'm curious to see.
Maybe, I don't know if humans will be around forever.
We might be something that kind of comes and goes.
And then animals can get back to whatever they were doing here.
I bet they were dancing before we got here.
But I'll say this, dude.
Every now and then, you realize humans don't take that good at care of animals.
And that's why you got to freaking slip little Charlie a piece of Nicorette at the park, baby.
You feel me, boy?
Charlie gonna be getting bucked every time he goes to the park now, bro.
He gonna be over there running over there behind the federal building trying to bum a Winston off of somebody.
Charlie!
He gonna be doing one of them Zen packs with Jesse Lockwood and the gang.
Thank you guys so much, man, for supporting this past weekend and everything.
You know, we got some new merch stuff coming up soon.
And what else is going on?
A lot of neat stuff, man.
Oh, we need a single mom for coming up for New Jersey and for Oxen Hill, Maryland and for Newport News, Virginia.
So if you have a friend who is a single mother, we would like to treat her out to a night out and take care of her babysitter costs and make sure that she can have a night out of laughter.
And we want to thank our Patreoners for helping us support that program time and time again.
We keep doing our best, man.
We keep doing our best.
That's what we do, you know.
That's what we do.
You guys be good to yourselves, man.
Just keep making.
And I'm going to go out with that with Bishop Gunn because I hope they do make it.
I hope they can figure things out over there.
Man, it's a wild house how we can have so much talent in us and have so much turbulence in us at the same time.
It's wild to be on that balance.
I'm amped up today, man.
Gang, you guys be good to yourselves, man.
this is making it by bishop gun I ain't seen home in about a hundred days.
I can almost hear mama pray for my restless soul.
And I ain't made a dollar, I ain't spent.
But where it's going ain't killed me yet.
I still get where I'm bound to go.
I'm making it.
I'm making wrong feel right.
I'm making it.
And it helps where I'm headed then I'm making good times
And most all of my plans slipped right through my hands and wound up next to me, broken on the ground.
If this bottle was an hourglass, I'd say that I'm about an hour past the minute I should have put it down.
But I'm making it, I'm making wall feel right.
I'm making it, and it helps where I'm heading in.
I'm making good time.
Taking good time
Between the lives that I've crossed and the friends that I've lost, I'm left here alone in my sleep.
But I'm in pretty good shape for the shape that I'm in.
I'm making it.
I'm making it.
I'm making wrong feel right.
I'm making it.
I'm making wrong feel right.
I'm making it.
I'm making good time.
Amen.
I hate sleeping home in about a hundred days.
I can almost hear mama pray for my restless soul.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voices.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Do you know what I mean?
Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh, no!
Wow!
I think Tom Hanks is a bloody guy over there.
Anyway, the first rule of Kai Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Second rule the Kai Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
No rule.
Like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
